


In Her Eyes

by Forever_Without_Him



Category: PLL - Fandom, Pretty Little Liars, emison
Genre: AU, Drama, Emison - Freeform, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, Haleb, Love, Mystery, PLL, Pretty Little Liars - Freeform, Romance, Secrets, Spalison, Tomily, emison au, fetus Emison, hannily
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2019-10-30 13:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 446,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17829164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forever_Without_Him/pseuds/Forever_Without_Him
Summary: Love is not selective. The heart sees everything, but when it loves, it loves fully. For high school senior Alison DiLaurentis love is a weapon she wields for power. Until Emily Fields comes into her life and leaves her totally defenseless. But secrets from the past are bubbling beneath the surface and the two soon learn that it's not love that is blind. It's navigating it. AU Fetus Emison.





	1. At First Sight

* * *

  **A/N:** _Wuddup, PLL fam? Against all my angry inner-critic’s advice I have been able to beat down my insecurities to come back at you with a brand new fic…that I am significantly terrified, as always, to share._

_Just a few things: First, go into this knowing that the vibe of this story is very different from “Matters of the Heart” and “Still Waters Run Deep”. The biggest influential factor is the fact that this is baby Emison (compared to my adult Emison at least) in a completely alternate reality. Fetus Emison was new for me, and so was AU. So I’m a bit nervous putting it out there._

_The vibe is also different, because unlike my previous two stories, this one is not heavily based in trauma and pain. That’s not to say that everything will be all fluffy and smooth sailing. It’s ME we’re talking about here. Some shit *will* go down. And it’ll hurt. But expect a ton more comedy, quips, and feel-good moments. But it wouldn’t be PLL if in true fashion there weren’t some bumps in the road, some twists, a mess of secrets, and a sucker-punch here or there._

_Know also that this story doesn’t have the same pace as my other two, meaning I wanted to be realistic in writing the age group when it came to my version of these characters and more specifically, why they act the way they do (I’m all about character growth). This story is more about the connection Emily/Alison have than it is a race to the bedroom. They’re kids(ish)…they’re growing. This story is as much coming-of-age as it is romance and mystery. But I tried to blend everything together in a way that should hopefully keep you entertained._

_Last, ignore canon PLL family charts. I will specify who is related to who/who is dating who and how they came together. This is a story that will be with the characters you know, but their experiences aren’t the same._

_Thanks again to all you lovely people for your support. If you feel so inclined I’d love to hear your comments in your reviews (pitchforks are still allowed if you have them ready and sharpened)._

* * *

  **Chapter 1:**

**At First Sight**

Alison DiLaurentis remembered the first time she saw her. It was the last week in summer before senior year. She was walking through the park, watching all the people in her town and trolling for someone to become yet another one of her conquests. She liked to pull people in with her alluring nature and make them fall so in love with her that they would do her bidding without question.

A Queen needed her royal subjects. Her old subjects, Ben Coogan, Noel Kahn, Cece Drake, and Sara Harvey had all started to bore her. She manipulated them. Used them. But they let her, because she was Alison DiLaurentis, and she was fabulous. And anyone who was in her inner circle should consider themselves lucky.

Sometimes if they were _really_ lucky and Alison was feeling extra charitable she’d let one of them worship her body, though she certainly preferred the bedroom hijinks be with Cece, as she had a soft spot for her. And Cece was good at it, too. Alison was more in tune with her than she was her other minions. She wasn’t really attracted to the boys, and Sara was sloppy. Not to mention that Cece had a backbone, unlike the other mindless drones Alison had following her around. She was just as ruthless, if not more-so, than Alison, which is why Alison had plucked her from the plethora of students at Rosewood High back in ninth grade to be a part of her posse.

Cece was, by definition, detached in all sense of the word. But she’d helped Alison occupy her time after her relationship with her girlfriend in tenth grade went down in flames. But everything between them had always been strictly physical, because neither of them ever let themselves _feel_ anything. Neither one of them _could_ feel anything. At least, not for each other. Alison had never really felt anything for anyone. It had always been about the pleasure. Not the emotion.

Still, Cece was the only person Alison had ever even remotely cared about, unlike the rest of her goon squad. Unfortunately, Cece had graduated and moved out of the country. Sara was gone, too, which wasn’t that big of a loss, but it left a void to be filled. Because that just left her with Ben and Noel, and they were idiots. So Alison was looking for fresh meat. She was hungry and couldn’t wait to satisfy her cravings.

As she scanned the park for eligible candidates her eyes landed on a beautiful exotic girl across the trail she was on. She was leaning back against a bench, sunglasses on, soaking in the sun’s rays. Alison imagined her eyes were closed and she was just taking in the warmth of the air around her. Something about the dark-haired beauty stirred something inside of Alison.

_Hmm, what do we have here?_

A little kid rode by the girl on his bike and the girl smiled at him and her beauty intensified tenfold. Alison was awestruck. The brunette was absolutely stunning. Her dark chestnut colored hair flowed over her shoulders and down her back in waves. Her smooth olive complexion was shiny and flawless. Her legs were long and toned. The tank top that she had on was riding up just slightly enough that Alison could see traces of her lean abs, and her jeans were low enough that she could see the curve of her pelvis. Her lips were large and plump and turned up into a look of gratification, not quite a smirk, but not quite a smile. There was something behind that smile, hidden secrets of the world that Alison had to discover.

There was a dog laid out lazily beside her on the ground. He was the biggest Chocolate Labrador Retriever Alison had ever seen. The girl leaned over and stroked his head and moved her lips as she spoke to him with a gentle expression on her face. The dog’s tail thumped against the ground.

When she sat up she looked right at Alison, her sunglasses directly aligned with Alison’s eyes. And at that moment Alison felt a strange pull to her. She felt captivated to be in her presence, which pissed her off, because that’s basically the opposite of what it should have been. People should be marveling at Alison. After all, she was one of the fiercest and smartest people in Rosewood. And the hottest, too.

Yet this girl sitting a few yards away from her seemed indifferent. Oblivious. She didn’t care. And that made her insanely attractive to the popular blonde. She had to know her. She had to have her.

Alison could feel the girl staring at her and she found herself wanting to look directly into her eyes, to see into her soul. When she realized that the girl was still looking at her she took the opportunity to walk towards her. She wanted to find out more about her.

Alison had never been shy. In her eighteen years of life she’d never met anyone she couldn’t charm. She’d learned it from her mother, one of the only useful things she’d ever taught her. Alison prided herself on being a seductress. The girls who couldn’t be with her wanted to _be_ her. And who could blame them? She looked in the mirror every morning and saw how flawless she was. It’s not like she was vain. She just loved airing confidence. Confidence begat confidence. She gave the brunette her best smile and flipped some of her golden locks out of her face.

Nothing.

_Why isn’t she groveling at my feet?_

“Hey, I’m Alison,” Alison introduced herself. “Alison DiLaurentis.”

She said the name like it mattered, but the girl didn’t flinch. In fact, she barely even registered her presence. She glanced at her indifferently, or at least it _felt_ indifferent. Until she smiled.

“Emily.” There was something about that smile. Alison could feel it in her soul. “It’s nice to meet you, Alison.” There was a pause and then, “Can I help you with something?”

“No. Just wanted to say hello.”

Alison was irritated that the girl didn’t seem to know who she was. _Everyone_ knew who she was. She was someone worth talking about. And the brunette in front of her should feel honored to be in her presence. Yet she just peered at Alison through her sunglasses and motioned for her to have a seat.

“You got a last name, Emily? Or is it just like…Madonna?” Alison sat down next to her. “Or Cher? Or…”

“Fields.”

“Never heard of her.” Alison quipped. Her arm brushed Emily’s and she felt a strange electricity coursing through her body. She felt the hairs on her arms standing on end.

“No,” Emily chuckled. Good God, her laugh was even more to die for than her smile. “That’s my last name.”

Emily Fields. Pretty name for a pretty girl.

“I haven’t seen you around before,” Alison said.

“Haven’t seen you either.” Emily glanced at her, a strange look on her face, almost like she was holding back a smile. There was something cheeky about it, mischievous.

_What are you hiding?_

Was she trying to be coy with Alison? Downplay her popularity? Act like she didn’t know her? Normally Alison didn’t like that, but it suited the brunette. There was something genuine about her. Who _was_ this girl?

There was a beat of awkward silence. Alison had a strange feeling in her stomach. It was like she was afraid of saying the wrong thing. Was she…Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, _nervous_? She mentally scoffed at herself. Of course not. Alison DiLaurentis didn’t get nervous. Alison DiLaurentis got whatever girl she so desired. This girl wouldn’t be any different.

“I just transferred to Rosewood High for my senior year,” Emily said, breaking the silence. “My parents live in the district, but I’ve been going to an all-girl’s school.”

“All girls, huh?”

That sounded like heaven to Alison. She could imagine ruling the school, girls throwing themselves at her. She could be the Lesbian Queen. She could wear a tiara and carry around a scepter. She smiled thinking about it. Emily had probably been _very_ popular there. Alison suddenly frowned. She didn’t like to think about that. She didn’t want to imagine some harlot touching Emily’s beautiful body.

“My mom is really strict.” Emily nodded.

The most hilarious thing about it was that her mother had sent her to an all-girl’s school because she wanted Emily to focus on her studies and didn’t want her fooling around with boys. But Emily wasn’t really interested in boys. She’d only been with one guy. And being with him had made her realize that boys were not for her. It was something her mother didn’t know at the time. She’d basically sent Emily into a sea of girls for her to choose from. She’d essentially been a kid in a candy store.

Luckily for her mother, she was very particular about her girlfriends. There hadn’t been anyone at the school who had really captured Emily’s heart. She’d made many friends. She’d even dated a few. They’d felt each other up, but nothing ever got serious.

“Oh?” Alison asked.

She took a moment to try and interpret what it meant that Emily’s strict mother had sent her to an all-girl’s school. Emily _was_ gay, wasn’t she? Alison was usually pretty good at determining who was into what. She’d been around the block enough to know who was gay and who wasn’t. So if her mother was strict why would she put her in an all-girls school? She decided to dig for more information.

“So, strict parental units? Sounds dreadful.” Alison rolled her eyes. “My mother doesn’t care what my brother and I do as long as we keep up appearances. Debutante balls and all that. She doesn’t care what kind of girls I date...” _Shit, I sound like a whore._ But she was already in too deep, so she continued, “as long as they look good in evening wear.”

_Take the bait..._

But Emily didn’t answer the burning question on Alison’s mind.

“Huh.” Emily nodded in surprise. “You don’t strike me as the debutante type.”

“I don’t know whether to be insulted or…insulted.”

“It wasn’t meant as an insult.” Emily laughed again.

Her laugh, oh God, her laugh was just…it made Alison feel happy, weightless. Her stomach fluttered. It felt like it was doing flips.

“So, if your mom is so strict, how did you end up back here?”

_Did she find out you were into girls and then freak when she realized you were basically swimming in suitors?_

“Oh, you know, I just told her that private school was _like so totally killing me_.” Emily twirled her finger through a lock of her dark brown hair, and it made Alison wish she could do the same.

She wanted to touch her. She wanted to covet her. She’d never felt like that before. She just _didn’t_. She was Alison effing DiLaurentis. _She_ was the one who was to be coveted. And usually she was. But this girl seemed impervious to her beauty, and that both annoyed and intrigued her.

_Oh my God. Is she flirting with me or not? Is this what it feels like to be on the receiving end of being a plaything? What is happening here?_

“Also, my dad is a total sucker for his one and only baby girl, so I played that card. I played it hard.” Emily smiled.

“Ah, so you’re a daddy’s girl?” Alison teased.

God, she wanted to have this girl. She wanted to call _this_ girl ‘daddy’. Something about her made Alison want to drag her back to the bedroom and make her do things to her. She wanted Emily to tie her up and take her for all that she was worth. She wanted Emily to ride her until she couldn’t see straight.

But at the same time she wanted to hold Emily, to place delicate kisses all along her body, to cherish her and make slow sensual love to her. She wanted to make Emily feel good. She wanted to love her.

But why? Why her? Why was she so drawn to her? What was so special about Emily Fields? She didn’t even _know_ her.

_What is wrong with me?_

“It’s hard not to be a daddy’s girl. He has always been there for me. Even when he’s halfway across the world he’s still there for me.”

Alison wouldn’t know a thing about dads who were there for their children. Her dad was never around, but she preferred it that way. He was kind of a belligerent bastard.

“Traveling salesman?” Alison guessed.

Emily couldn’t help but laugh again. She seemed so happy and bubbly. She liked to laugh. Alison liked that.

“Military.” She corrected her. “We’ve moved around a lot. We were in Rosewood when I was really little, but then we moved to Texas for a while. Then we were back here. Then we were on base in Georgia for a couple of years. Then Texas again. Then Baltimore. And somehow we ended up back here in Pennsylvania. It’s not so bad though. I like it here.”

“Of course. Because _I’m_ here.” Alison hated herself the second she said it. _Jesus, be more conceited, Alison._ She snapped at herself in thought. For some reason she actually _cared_ what this girl thought about her.

“There are a lot of great people in this town.” Emily didn’t seem to mind her faux pas.

That confused Alison. Was she interested? Not interested? What couldn’t she figure out about this girl? There was something she was missing.

“My cousin Toby and his step-sister live here. Toby will be a senior this year, too.” Emily continued.

“Toby Cavanaugh?” Alison was suddenly nervous again.

Toby Cavanaugh _hated_ her. His step-sister Jenna couldn’t stand her. And the feeling was mutual.

“You know him?” Emily perked up, her smile making Alison’s heart feel like it was going to implode. How could someone’s smile look like that? Was this girl even real?

“I know _of_ him.” Alison lied.

For some reason, she found it hard to lie to her. There was just something so…free…so _innocent_ about her. But at the same time, she seemed almost _naughty_ , like she was hiding something dirty. A devious angel. God, that turned her on in all sorts of ways.

“Jenna went off to college about a year ago,” Emily said. “She hates Rosewood. Wouldn’t be surprised if she never comes back.”

College wasn’t the only reason Jenna wouldn’t be coming back. Alison had a hand in _why_ Jenna hated Rosewood so much. But if Emily knew the sordid details, she didn’t let on. How close exactly was she to her family? Were they just people she saw every other holiday or were they the ‘talk on the phone about your day’ kind of family? Alison waited for Emily to elaborate. But she didn’t say anything else about her cousins.

“What about you? What do you think of our quaint town?” Alison asked.

“I can call anywhere home as long as I’ve got family. Like I said, I’ve been here and there. But my childhood best friend Hanna lives here and I’ve got family here, so it’s home. At least for now.”

“Hanna…” Alison tried to go through the roster of ever-not-so-important people in her mind.

She vaguely recalled some blonde named Hanna who was always hanging out with these two geeky dorks in glasses, Mona and Lucas.

She was pretty sure Hanna was dating some techno-nerd boy named Caleb. Caleb wasn’t as dorky looking as Lucas and Mona. In fact, he had a pretty chill Judd Nelson “Breakfast Club” vibe about him, but he was still someone that barely registered on Alison’s radar. She didn’t make it a common occurrence to fraternize with poor boys and hobos.

“Hanna Marin.” Emily nodded. “She goes to Rosewood, too. We’ve known each other since we were babies.” She smiled. “I remember the first time I moved she threw a tantrum and snuck into the trunk of my mom’s car. We’d gotten almost twenty miles before my parents realized we had a stowaway.”

Emily smiled again and Alison felt herself wobbling like jelly. Emily’s lips were so full, so beautiful. Alison could imagine them sucking on her skin, attached to her neck, pressed against her breasts, moving against her core…

 _Keep it in your pants, DiLaurentis._ She warned herself.

“I think I’ve probably seen her around school,” Alison said, trying to sound nonchalant, trying not to let on that Emily was living in a sexual fantasy world in her mind at that very moment.

“Probably. She’s hard to miss.”

She clearly cared about this Hanna girl. That irritated Alison. She didn’t want Emily to feel affection for anyone but her. She wanted all of Emily’s attention. She wanted to be hers. She wanted Emily to see her and _only_ her.

The thoughts ran rampant through Alison’s head. Was she…was she _jealous_ of one of Emily’s friends? Why? It’s not like she knew her. It’s not like Emily belonged to her. Yet.

“My friend Aria lives here, too.” Emily moved to push some hair behind her ear as she addressed Alison.

“Aria Montgomery?”

That’s someone Alison knew. Aria and her cousin Spencer hung out a lot, which always seemed like a weird mismatch to Alison, because Spencer was high class Mensa intelligent and Aria was the daughter of two teachers and a complete romantic about life.

Spencer was all about facts and statistics and Aria was all about hopes and dreams. A pragmatist and an idealist. On paper it didn’t make sense. But the girls got along swimmingly. Sometimes they were so in sync it’s like they were dating.

“The one and only.” Emily nodded. She loved Aria. In Emily’s eyes she was one of a kind. Unique. Sensible. Eclectic, but not in an overbearing way. She marched to the beat of her own drummer.

Alison saw Aria’s personality differently than Emily did. The girl was just weird. But maybe Emily liked weird. Maybe Alison needed to like weird so Emily would like her.

 _God, what the hell is wrong with me?_ Alison uttered in thought.

She faced Emily with a cool smile,

“I had her mom for English in tenth grade. She was pretty cool.”

Alison was being generous. Aria’s mom, Ella, was as flighty and free-spirited as her daughter. She’d used a bunch of hippie bohemian exercises in class discussions. The woman had once brought a spirit stick into class and made them sit in a circle on the floor to talk about some beatnik book Alison hadn’t even bothered to read. And Aria’s dad was just as bizarre. The whole family was strange.

The only thing remotely cool about Aria was the fact that her boyfriend Ezra was in college. They’d started dating when Aria was in eighth grade and Ezra was a freshman in high school. He was an interesting guy. Not bad looking. Fun. Quirky. But also a little shy. But Alison liked the introspective thinker. He wasn’t like the other boys in school. He actually had a brain. She’d never known what the quiet poet saw in Aria.

 _Be nice, Alison. Emily likes Aria. You need to like her, too._ She reminded herself.

“Aria and my cousin Spencer are friends.” Alison tried to find some common ground.

“Spencer Hastings?” Emily asked. “I know her. We had the same first grade teacher. I remember her because the very first day of class she climbed out of her chair, walked straight up to the board and corrected some grammar mistake the teacher had made.”

“That’s Spencer.” Alison rolled her eyes with a laugh. “She hasn’t changed much. She’s a hundred and ten pounds of superiority and snark.”

“She’s captain of the field hockey team, isn’t she?” Emily asked.

Alison had to bite back her irritation, because _she_ wanted that coveted spot, but Spencer refused to let Alison have it. They were equally as good and the only reason Spencer got to be top dog is because she had scored _one_ more goal than Alison had last season. And the only reason she’d been able to score was because of Alison’s play. Alison just couldn’t drop it. But a part of that was a deep-seated rivalry in their bloodline. Their fathers had constantly been at odds when they were younger. And they hated each other to this day.

“She is.” Alison managed to say it without a drop of disdain. In fact, she sounded downright cheery. What was Emily doing to her? Suddenly she was sweet and full of nectar.

“I like field hockey,” Emily said. She lowered her sunglasses just slightly, not enough for Alison to see her eyes, but enough for Alison to see her slowly raise her brows like she was checking her out.

_Yep. Definitely flirting._

“I play it, too,” Alison replied. It didn’t come out boastful. It came out matter-of-fact, and Alison was proud of herself for holding back her ego. “So, you and I have friends in common _and_ we both like field hockey? I think it’s safe to say we should be together.” Alison realized what it sounded like the second it came out of her mouth, “Hang out, I mean…be…a-as friends.”

Holy shit, was she actually stuttering? But Alison DiLaurentis didn’t get tongue-tied. What was it about Emily Fields that left her brain fighting for oxygen? Why couldn’t she think straight around her? Was she just so awestruck by her beauty that Emily _literally_ took her breath away?

 _That is the stupidest thought you’ve ever had._ She berated herself silently.

If Emily noticed her embarrassment, she didn’t call her on it. Alison leaned down towards the dog lying on the ground and quickly tried to change the subject. He lifted his big head off of the pavement to sniff her hand. His dark olive colored eyes met hers.

_When all else fails, befriend the dog…_

“What’s your dog’s name?” Alison asked.

“Ace.”

“Aw, hey, Ace.” Alison smiled.

“You can pet him. He’s super chill.” Emily replied.

“Hey, buddy. Nice to meet you.” She scratched his head.

He didn’t have much of a response. In fact, he yawned and then laid back down. Ace seemed to be an extension of Emily’s personality. Too cool to care.

 _You will learn to love me, damn it._ Alison willed the dog to worship her the way the rest of the town did, the way Emily eventually would.

“I always wanted a dog, but my mother said they were too messy.”

“Yeah, but they’re worth it.” Emily nodded. She reached down and ran her fingers over the top of the gentle dog’s head.

He responded to her touch immediately. Unlike when Alison had pet him, he was attentive and looked up at Emily like she had created the world just for him. Alison watched their interaction with a blooming feeling of adoration in her chest. Ace’s big sweet eyes were focused on Emily with a soft loving expression in them, like all he could see was her.

 _I know how you feel._ She glanced at Ace.

There was something different about Emily Fields. Alison tried not to stare, but she couldn’t help herself. Nothing could have pried her away from the girl in front of her. She’d obliterate anything that dared to keep them apart. She felt so drawn to her, like Emily was the sun and she was being pulled into her orbit by a force stronger than she could understand, by a force that had yet to be discovered by human civilization.

“So, _Emily Fields_ …” She let the name roll off of her tongue. That wasn’t the only thing she wanted rolling on her tongue. She looked like she tasted delicious, like a salted caramel cheesecake. “…what kind of senior year are you looking to have?”

_Tell me more about you. I have to know more._

She wanted to know everything, even the stupid little small things like her favorite color and her favorite school subject, her favorite holiday. She wanted to know her favorite food. She wanted to feed her, to feel Emily’s lips sucking against her fingers. Alison felt her thighs burning.

_Fuck, am I seriously getting wet thinking about this girl I just met?_

“Memorable.” Emily smiled at her.

 _Oh, I can make it memorable._ Alison subconsciously licked her lips. _I can etch my face into your brain while you’re shouting my name. I can make you feel things you’ve never felt before…_

A man jogged up next to them, interrupting Alison’s train of thought. She wanted to hiss at him to go away, but he seemed to know Emily. After getting a glimpse of him Alison saw the resemblance.

“Hey, Emmy…”

 _Emmy._ How fucking cute was that? Alison had to work not to swoon.

“…who’s your friend?”

“Dad, this is Alison. Alison, this is my dad, Wayne.”

He didn’t look like an uber-strict military parent. He was leaning against the side of the bench casually.

“Nice to meet you, Alison.” He waved.

“You too. Emily tells me you’re in the military.” As if the hat he was wearing to keep the sun out of his eyes didn’t give it away. “Thank you for your service, sir.”

_Suck up. Suck up like you’ve never sucked up before. You want to court his daughter. Wait, COURT? Who the fuck says ‘court’? What the hell is happening to me?_

“You’re very welcome.” Wayne nodded. He pulled his hat off of his head and wiped his sweaty brow with his forearm. He glanced at his daughter. “Your mom is about finished with her cardio.”

“She smoked you again, didn’t she?” Emily teased him.

“Yuk it up, kiddo. She’s in better shape than the both of us combined. We’re getting ready to head out, so it’s about time to wrap it up.”

“Got it.” Emily nodded. “I’ll meet you guys at the car.”

“Don’t dawdle. You know how your Ma is about her routine.”

“Yes, sir.”

 _There_ was the military in her blood. That automatic reaction to answer with the only thing he wanted to hear without hesitation. Alison couldn’t stop herself from wondering if any of that would carry over into the bedroom when Emily got sexy in the sheets.

Wayne left the girls to finish up their chat.

“You sure he’s in the military? He doesn’t seem that uptight. Doesn’t seem like he’d harm a fly.”

“You should see him when you try to take his steak away at dinner. If you’re not careful you’ll pull back a stump.”

“Oh? Do they teach that in basic training now?” Alison laughed.

“No. My mom’s cooking is just _that_ good.” Emily shrugged.

A warm rush washed over Alison as she thought about dinners at Emily Fields’ house. She wanted to sit next to her at the table, smiling, laughing, putting her hand against her knee, brushing their feet together underneath the table. She imagined sharing jokes with Emily’s dad and trading recipes with her mom. She wanted to love Emily’s family and for Emily’s family to love her. She was head over heels.

_Play it cool. Don’t come on too strong. Say something smooth._

“What’s your favorite dish that she makes?” Well, it wasn’t smooth, but at least she hadn’t embarrassed herself.

“It’s a toss up between her pot stickers and her chicken quesadillas. What about you? What’s your favorite thing to eat?” Emily asked.

 _Don’t say ‘you’, don’t say ‘you’_ …

“Cherry pie.” She blurted out.

_You fucking idiot, Alison._

“My grandmother and I used to bake together when I was little.” She clarified. “Back before she died.” Her tone softened tremendously.

Thinking about her mom’s mom always made her sad. Because her grandmother was the only person in her entire family who hadn’t been a complete robot about her emotions. She’d been really down to Earth and not afraid to break a few nails or get her hands dirty. She’d taught Alison the value of love, not that she was very good at managing that love. She was stunted emotionally. She came by that honestly.

“My time in the kitchen with her was the only time I ever got to experience what a normal kid must feel like around their family.”

“You seem pretty normal to me.” Emily tried to make her feel better.

It was sweet of her. Naïve as hell, but sweet. Alison smiled softly.

“I only seem that way because of her. But in reality I’m the furthest thing from normal that there is.”

“Well, normal, abnormal, whoever you are, I like you.” Emily smiled back at her. It was a sultry smile. More than just friendly.

Alison couldn’t stop herself from staring at her lips. They looked so soft and silky. And warm. Everything about her seemed so warm. She wanted to touch her to see if she was as warm as she looked. She wanted to feel her to see if Emily’s thighs were as hot as hers were right now, to see if she was as turned on.

“You know, normal is boring anyway.” Emily shrugged. Alison saw Emily reaching for something on the other side of the bench. “I prefer the colorful life to the status quo. Makes life more interesting.” She clicked her tongue and the dog at her feet suddenly stood at attention. “I’ve got to run. But it was nice talking to you, Alison.” She pushed herself to her feet, pulling out a walking stick from beside the bench.

Alison’s eyes widened in realization. Her jaw dropped. How had she missed it?

“You too.” Alison was too stunned to say anything else.

She watched Emily walk away, her cane tapping against the asphalt rhythmically, Ace leading her. She followed.

She was blind. She was blind? But Alison had felt her eyes on her. She had felt that connection she’d only heard about in cheesy romance movies. She had looked at Emily and Emily had looked back. It was love at first sight. But how could that be when one of those people couldn’t _see_?

* * *

 **A/N:** _Surprise! Always expect the unexpected with my writing. Just FYI, writing a character who is visually impaired is part of what made me so timid about this story. Because the last thing I wanted to do was misrepresent or offend the blind community (then again I was fairly certain I couldn’t write F/F either, but you have all been very awesome about it). I was talking to a friend of mine who is legally blind about some of my reservations and he laughed at me and told me I was over-thinking it. I believe the exact words were, “hey, I can’t see shit, but I can see that you’re passionate about what you do and you’re always on your ass about it. I’m sure it’s fine, so pass the pizza and shut the fuck up about it already.” My friends are pretty much all assholes. But I love them._

_So, welcome to this new world. It’s gonna be an interesting ride._


	2. Perspective

* * *

**Chapter 2:**

**Perspective**

Alison spent the rest of her day thinking about the girl in the sunglasses…about Emily Fields. She had never felt a desire so strong to be near someone…to be with her. She was a beautiful puzzle and Alison couldn’t wait to put the pieces together. She couldn’t wait to peel back the layers and see Emily at her rawest form. She fantasized about her in every respect. She rolled around in her bed that night, unable to get Emily out of her mind…not that she wanted to. She even dreamed about her. The girl had completely consumed her.

She flopped over in the middle of the night after having the most wonderful dream about her. It wasn’t one of her typical sex dreams. She felt something different as Emily pressed her lips against her naked bosom. Her fingers were everywhere, like she was a Goddess among women. Alison was nibbling against the nape of her neck, leaving her mark on Emily’s bronze silky skin. Just like she’d imagined, the brunette tasted sweet and delectable. A mixture of caramel and chocolate with a hint of salt.

Alison bit her lip and moved her pelvis against Emily’s body, a motion she mirrored in her sleep. The covers moved in slow waves as she unconsciously clutched Emily tighter in her fantasy. She moved against Emily’s body, their chests pressing together as she rolled Emily to the side. She wanted to look over her, look down at her and see every inch of her.

Emily didn’t protest, but she certainly wasn’t playing either. She thrust her hips into Alison’s naked center and it hit something that made Alison go numb. She nearly fell over on top of her. She laid forward, tasting the dark-haired vixen’s lips again, tasting the smirk on Emily’s face. Alison shifted her legs so that her thigh was over Emily’s and moved up against her.

Alison felt Emily’s fingers drawing a trail down in between her breasts and she moved her thigh against Emily’s core. She could feel Emily’s moan vibrate against her body. She watched as Emily slipped her fingers between their joined bodies. Alison did the same, smiling.

In her sleep, Alison’s fingers were working their way down to where she needed release. But her dream was more realistic than any reality she’d ever experienced. She’d never felt like this when she was with anyone else. Emily drew her in without the promise of sex. There was something more. And when she touched Emily in her dream she saw a look of passion, of love, that she’d never experienced.

For a brief second she saw the look of ecstasy on Emily’s face. But then the screeching of tires somewhere outside ripped her fantasy world away from her and she was suddenly lying wide awake, alone in her own bed. She growled.

_Stupid fucking inconsiderate men and their mid-life crisis hot rods. We get it. You have a tiny penis..._

She sat up in bed, wet and unsatisfied. She was so pissed that it had ended. She felt like bitching about it to someone. She grabbed her phone and stared at the screen. There weren’t many people she’d bother this late at night, but she had one friend who would more than likely be up, because it was already morning where she lived. Cece was in Europe gallivanting around _without_ Alison, which irritated her, because she’d always wanted to go to Europe.

_“Hey, bitch. What’s new?”_ She texted.

She waited a few minutes, but didn’t get a response. So she started searching through some of her photos. She had a lot of selfies. She really did look good. After ten minutes of going through and deleting photos that didn’t show her in the most perfect light she got a response.

_“I really do need to get you better acquainted with our time difference, dear. I didn’t ask for a 7 AM wake-up call.”_

_“I figured you’d be flittering the streets of England and buying tea and crumpets.”_

_“Not at 7 AM. And no one flitters anywhere. Literally no one does that. We walk. With umbrellas mostly.”_

_“Sounds magical.”_ Alison added an emoji with an eye-roll.

_“Every day is glorious.”_ It was teeming with her classic Cece sarcasm. _“So, what’s up?”_

_“Met a girl.”_

_“Already? You ho.”_

_“Settle down. You know you’re still my favorite bitch. Wouldn’t dare dream of trying to put someone in your place.”_

And yet, she never had sex fantasies about Cece. Or anyone else for that matter. But even in her dreams it wasn’t just about the sex. It was about something more. Something Alison had never experienced before.

_“Of course not. No one could ever replace me.”_ Cece texted back.

_“Never. But the thing is…”_ She stopped typing for a second before she was able to put it in words, _“…she’s different, Cece.”_

_“Different how?”_

_“I think I feel something for her. I like her. A lot. Like more than the typical friends-with-benefits thing.”_

_“Wow, way to make me feel used.”_

_“Shut up. You only wanted me for my body, too.”_

_“Can’t deny that.”_ Cece replied with a winking emoji and a flame emoji. Then she added a question, _“Is she hot?”_

_“Gorgeous.”_

_“Go for it, babe.”_

They texted back and forth for twenty minutes before Cece finally told Alison she needed to go to bed.

_“But I’m not tired.”_

_“You sound like a toddler, Alison.”_ Cece scolded. _“Get some sleep. Being overtired is the number one cause of baggy saggy eyes and wrinkles.”_

_“Goodnight.”_

Twenty minutes later Alison was settling into a dreamlike state, Emily still on her mind.

She woke up the next morning to the sound of loud thunderous footsteps that were shaking the whole house. Then she heard a clatter in the kitchen.

She pulled herself out of bed and sleepily rubbed her eyes. Her first thought as she climbed out of bed was Emily. Was she real? Or had she dreamed her? She glanced at her hamper and saw the clothes she’d worn to the park yesterday sitting on top of her laundry. Of course Emily was real. Not even in her wildest imagination could she have dreamed up such a perfect woman.

She heard another loud clang in the kitchen, the sound of a utensil being dropped against the hardwood floor. She rolled her eyes. It had to be her oafish older brother Jason. He’d flunked out of the university their mommy and daddy had paid top dollar for and he was living at home again.

He had no respect whatsoever for the other occupants in the house. He watched TV too loud, blared his music so loud that it felt like the bass was a rocket propelled spaceship, and drank and toked up all the damn time. It was always worse when their parents were out of town. He thought that just because he was legally an adult he could do whatever he pleased.

She sauntered down to the kitchen and found him stumbling around. He was trying to make scrambled eggs. He heard her footsteps and turned around. His eyes were droopy and bloodshot.

“Jesus, Jason. It’s eleven AM on a Sunday. Are you wasted?”

She didn’t even have to ask because she could _smell_ the thick sour whiskey in the air mixed with the piney skunk smell from his weed.

“Oh, shit.” His eyes flickered. “It’s Sunday?”

He turned and looked at the clock, like it was going to tell him the day of the week. He huffed out a drunken laugh. He turned to face the stove, where he had a pan with sizzling eggs in it. He reached for the handle, but Alison smacked his hand.

“Don’t do that.” Alison pushed him away from the stove.

“Hey, those are my eggs.” He glowered at her.

“The last time you cooked when you were this wasted you almost set the house on fire trying to heat up a turkey in the dryer because you thought it was the oven.”

“Thanksgiving is a stressful time.” Jason plopped down in a chair at the kitchen table.

“It wasn’t Thanksgiving. It was eight days ago.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Okay, father time.” He snorted. “It wasn’t even a turkey. It was a pheasant. And maybe I like my poultry permanently pressed. You don’t know.”

“You are such a jackass.”

“Why? Because I like to partake in a little fun?”

“I’m sick of the house smelling like booze and weed.” Alison huffed in aggravation. “Just because mom and dad aren’t home doesn’t mean it’s a free pass for you to act like a juvenile frat asshole. Get your shit together.” She glanced at the eggs and saw that they were done.

She grabbed a plate and scraped the eggs on to it and then bitterly put it down in front of Jason. He stared at the eggs and pushed them around on his plate with his fork.

“Tiny unborn chickens,” he muttered. “You ever think about the fact that when we eat eggs we’re eating babies that haven’t been born yet? Who does that shit?”

“Big dumb humans who are grown, but still need guidance like a damn toddler because they’re drunk morons.” Alison grabbed an orange from the fruit basket. “Eat your fucking unborn babies.”

She poured herself a bowl of cereal and then sat down at the table with him. She watched him devour his food. She made a pot of coffee and forced him to drink it so he’d sober up some. He finally got to a point where he was coherent.

“I’m going to go sleep it off.” He yawned, pushing the chair out and standing up.

“ _Thanks for the eggs and coffee, Alison. You’re a good sister_ ,” she said mockingly, a little salty about the fact that he didn’t appreciate what she’d done for him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

That’s all she got before he disappeared into the living room.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll clean up the mess!” Alison spouted loudly and sarcastically. “Five years older than me and _I’m_ the adult here.” She rolled her eyes.

She cleaned up the kitchen and then went upstairs to change out of her pajamas. Usually her Sundays were reserved for being lazy, but she couldn’t stand the smell of the liquor and weed lingering in the air, so she had to get out. She changed into some light workout gear and decided to go to the park again. If she just so happened to run into Emily again…then what a coincidence that would be.

She rapped on Jason’s door loudly, hoping the hangover was hurting him. She always tried to remind him that being wasted was stupid, especially since he couldn’t help himself around certain substances. Fortunately he didn’t do anything heavier than weed and booze, but she was always around to remind him not to spiral into the deep end or she’d kick his ass.

“Go away!” A muffled voice called out through the door. She could tell he had a pillow over his face.

“I’m going out for a little bit,” Alison said. “Try not to choke on your vomit, okay?”

“I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

“Fucking asshole,” she muttered under her breath.

She always got a little pissy when he drank, because Jason saw what booze did to their father. At the very least, Jason wasn’t a mean drunk. He just did dumbass things like shoving firecrackers in his pants and lighting them or running around the neighborhood in his boxers wearing angel wings and a Mario hat screaming _“It’s a-me, A-fairy-o!”_ in a bad Italian accent, a dare his stupid drunk friends had pushed on him. She grumbled to herself as she walked out the front door, keys in hand.

Normally she jogged to the park, but she felt the need to be in pristine condition just in case Emily was there. She was naturally flawless, but she didn’t want to hover around Emily smelling like sweat. So she drove out instead. Since it was a weekend, it was crowded. More crowded than she liked. But Emily was worth it. Even if she only got to see her for a few seconds, it would be worth it.

She walked around the playground listening to the incessant screaming of small children. She saw a few skaters lounging around the skate park and trying to land tricks. She walked the concrete path next to the skaters, knowing that they were looking at her as she passed them. They were. One boy even wiped out because he couldn’t stop staring at her.

_Eat your heart out, boys._ She thought to herself. _Not that any of you have a shot with me._

There was only one person who had a shot with her. Only one person Alison wanted. She just had to find her.

She walked by the dog park, hoping to see Emily and Ace in the fenced in area. Then she realized that was a stupid idea, because Ace was a working dog. Of course she wouldn’t be tossing a ball for him to chase. That would defeat the purpose of his job.

She’d almost circled the whole park looking for her. She was about to give up, but then she thought of one last idea. She knew that many people had their preferred spots at the park. The skaters had their pit. The kids had their swings. The fitness buffs had the outdoor gym. Maybe Emily’s spot was right where she’d last seen her yesterday. Maybe she was lounging on that same bench, soaking in the warmth from the sun. She walked through a shaded path and out into a sunny area.

_This is stupid, Alison._ She told herself as she rounded the bend.

But there, sitting on the same bench she’d been at yesterday, was Emily. Ace was at her feet. It felt like destiny. Fate. Alison felt her heart fluttering in her chest.

_Stop being so weird._ She tried to shake off her nerves.

She took a deep breath and then walked towards the captivating beauty.

“Hey,” Alison walked over to Emily. _I love you._ She was glad the filter in her brain caught it. “Fancy meeting you here, Emily Fields.”

“Hey, are you stalking me?” Emily teased her.

Alison’s face flushed and she was thankful Emily couldn’t see it, because it was so damn embarrassing.

_Quick, laugh! Laugh so she doesn’t think you ARE a stalker!_

Alison chuckled.

“This just so happens to be the best spot to soak in the sun.” And to soak in the view of Emily’s bright light. “Is this seat taken?”

“By all means.” Emily motioned to the empty space beside her, inviting Alison to join her.

Alison sat down as close to her as she possibly could without invading her personal space, though she wanted to do just that. She wanted to touch her skin, to feel her warmth. For real _._ Not just in a dream. She turned to Emily and almost started the conversation by saying, _“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?”_ Then she realized Emily couldn’t _see_ the day. She glanced at the sunglasses on her face. She wanted to see behind them. She wanted to look into Emily’s eyes.

“So…um…” She tried not to stare, but she couldn’t help it. Not because Emily was blind, but because she was so beautiful.

“Don’t be shy about it, Alison.” Emily shrugged. “It’s part of who I am.”

“It’s just – I didn’t know you were blind.” Alison admitted.

“The all-knowing Alison DiLaurentis couldn’t see the walking stick and the seeing eye-dog?” She teased.

Ah, so Emily _had_ heard of her, or she’d done her research on her. Alison wasn’t sure whether to be proud or intimidated.

“To be fair, the walking stick was tucked away where I couldn’t see it. And as far as the dog…” She glanced at Ace. “…aren’t they supposed to wear vests?”

“Only when they’re working.”

“Aren’t they _always_ working?”

Suddenly, she felt her heart speed up in her chest at the thought of Emily unknowingly walking in front of a moving car and the dog being too distracted by a squirrel on a lamp post to alert her. She glared down at Ace.

_You better take care of her. You better never let anything happen to her. Or I’ll make Fido-soup._

“Being blind doesn’t mean I can’t do things for myself.” Emily shrugged.

Had she offended her? She hadn’t meant to do anything to upset her.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to insinuate…”

“Relax.” Emily interrupted her with a kind laugh. She could hear the nerves in Alison’s tone. It intrigued her. From what she knew about Alison, she didn’t get nervous. “People are always curious about how someone like me can get by in life.”

She smiled at Alison. She couldn’t see Alison biting her lip. Emily’s smile drove her wild.

“Sometimes I need help. Sometimes I don’t,” Emily said.

“So, how do others know when you need it?”

“I ask for it.” She replied. “Independence is a state of mind.” She turned away and listened to their surroundings. “Most people see me and they see what I can’t do. They have no idea what I _can_ do.”

“I’d love to see what you’re capable of.”

“Yeah?”

“Show me.” Alison suggested.

“Okay.” Emily nodded. She reached for her walking stick. “Walk with me.”

She pushed herself to her feet. She clicked her tongue and Ace stood up. She slipped the handle of the lead off of her wrist and against her knuckles. She pulled it taut and then put the cane against the asphalt, moving it around from side to side.

“I thought guide dogs had harnesses and handles. How come Ace just has a leash?”

“Because I like to live dangerously.” Emily lifted her brows and lowered her voice.

Alison felt a twinge of desire in between her legs. That was so fucking hot. The sultry tone was a huge turn on.

Emily chuckled and then added with a smile,

“Actually, I prefer the leash to the guide harness when we’re out in public. It works just as well for me. Ace knows what he’s supposed to do. Plus it makes me feel less…abnormal.”

“You’re the most normal person I’ve ever met.” Alison wanted to smack herself the second she said it. _You might as well have told her you were in love with her._

“Then I’m a better actress than I thought.” Emily laughed. “You just don’t know me well enough yet.”

“I’d like to get to know you.” _Shut up. Stop talking. You sound like an eight-year-old with a crush._

“What do you want to know?” Emily asked, taking a step forward.

Alison followed her. She watched Emily navigate her steps, slowly but surely. Of course, she knew the girl could walk. She’d watched her walk away from her yesterday. And she’d felt sad, because she didn’t want Emily to leave. Because she wanted to know her.

_Who are you? What makes you tic? Why are you so gorgeous? Why can’t I get you out of my mind?_

Several silent seconds ticked by. The background noises drowned out Alison’s nervous sigh. She wanted to find out everything about her, but she had no idea where to start. She had so many questions she wanted to ask. She saw a crack in the sidewalk coming up.

“Uh…” Alison uttered nervously. She felt like reaching out and grabbing Emily’s hand to guide her around it.

Emily heard Alison’s hesitance and she heard the difference in her gait as she shuffled her feet. She smiled at her.

“Don’t worry. I know the ground is uneven up ahead,” Emily said. It astonished Alison. It’s like the brunette had read her mind. “I spent a lot of time here when I was a kid. And I spend a lot of time here now.”

“You’ve got a better eye for detail than most people who have 20-20 vision.” Alison stared at her in amazement. She’d almost missed the crack in the ground because she’d been looking at Emily.

“Sometimes you see more when you close your eyes.” Emily stepped over the bump in the ground.

It was a bittersweet statement for Alison to hear. When she really thought about it she realized just how much she took her sight for granted. What must it be like to only imagine the world around you and not be able to see it? Emily felt Alison’s eyes on her. She knew what she wanted to ask.

“You can ask. It’s okay.” Emily assured her. Everyone had their curiosities.

“What’s it like? To not be able to see?” Alison questioned.

Emily took in a breath of fresh air and held it for a few seconds and then she let it out.

“It makes life more beautiful.”

_This girl is without a doubt the most wonderful person in existence._ Alison could actually _feel_ her heart glowing in her chest.

“When you live in constant darkness you do nothing but dream of the light. The possibilities are endless when it comes to what I imagine the world around me to be. I don’t see things, but I observe them all the same. I picture everything, down to every last detail. Everything I hear, everything I feel, everything I smell and taste…”

God, she wanted Emily to _taste_ her.

“…I see it all in my mind.”

“Everything?” Alison asked. She had to stop for a moment to consider everything in her life she didn’t fully appreciate.

“Everything.” Emily nodded, slowing her pace. She’d heard Alison’s feet cease their movement against the pavement. “Tell me what you see.”

Alison was thrown by the question, because the only thing she was looking at was Emily. She couldn’t take her eyes off of her.

_I see this really hot girl that I want to fuck. No, not fuck. Um...make love to? I don’t...shit, I don’t fucking know._

She told herself to play it cool. She looked around, desperate to find something to describe to Emily.

“The weather is really pretty today.”

_Really, Alison?_ She wanted to crawl into a hole and die in embarrassment. And she wanted to kick her own ass for acting like such a ditz.

“Beyond that.” Emily pushed. “Look at everything around you. Really take it in.”

Alison took a slow relaxing breath and glanced at their surroundings. She started with the sky. The backdrop of the baby blue atmosphere provided a beautiful canvas for the clouds. They looked like brilliant white patches of soft foam hugging the sky. She started to recognize shapes in them. How long had it been since she’d been cloud-watching? In fact, how long had it been since she’d stopped to appreciate the beauty in the sky at all?

“The clouds look like a thick layer of satiny cotton.” _You sound like you’re describing a menstrual pad._ She took a breath and tried again. “They look soft and comfortable, like a new feather pillow. And there are all kinds of shapes. I see a butterfly, a dolphin, and…” she blushed, “…a heart. They look so close, like I could reach out and grab them.”

“The sun is partially occluded.” Emily nodded. “Want to know how I know?”

Alison nodded, forgetting for a second that Emily was blind and couldn’t see her and that she’d have to be more vocal with her responses.

“How?” Alison asked.

“I can feel that the heat is less intense…”

_Not from where I’m standing._ Alison thought to herself.

“…and the breeze is slightly cooler.” She tilted her head up, her nose pointed towards the sky. “And it’s probably going to rain later. It smells like it’s going to rain. There’s a sweet crisp scent in the air. Kind of like the smell of clean laundry mixed with damp wet asphalt.”

“I bet you would make a hell of a meteorologist.” Alison was impressed.

“I would like to chase tornadoes one day.” Emily admitted.

“You’re insane.” Alison laughed.

“I enjoy every minute of my insanity.” Emily smiled back at her. “Tell me what else you see.”

Emily was very curious about Alison. She knew more about her than she was letting on. And she wanted to see if what she knew matched up to what she experienced with her.

Alison looked around and her eyes stopped on a couple of birds hopping around at the bottom of a tree about fifteen feet away from them.

“There are these two little brown birds bouncing around.” Alison chuckled, watching as the two birds chased one another. One of them picked up a piece of pine straw. “The smaller one just picked up this huge piece of pine straw and now he’s all puffed up, like he’s proud of himself. He’s probably off to show his manly bird-ness to some chick somewhere.”

Alison couldn’t help but smile. It was the equivalent of a caveman dragging home a teeny little field mouse for dinner instead of the buffalo he was supposed to get. She could even imagine a tiny prehistoric grunt coming from the bird’s beak as he tried to impress the chick,

_“Featherhead do good? Build house good?”_

And she could just hear the female bird scoffing and muttering about how she had to do everything. She watched the prancing proud bird fly off. He flew near a kid on a wobbling bike. Alison didn’t hesitate as she continued,

“There’s a little boy in a blue shirt riding a bike. His dad is helping him. He looks afraid, but excited.”

Alison had to stop and wonder what that must feel like. To have parents who loved you so much that they worried like that dad did.

“The boy or the father?” Emily asked.

“Both, actually.” She could see the apprehension on the dad’s face as his child peddled into a major milestone in his life. The little boy was scared, but he was ready to take the step.

He rode past what looked to be a young married couple sitting on a big blanket, sharing a lunch and smiling at one another.

“There’s a couple sitting in the shade of a really big tree having a picnic. They look really happy.”

She wanted that with Emily. _How_ could she want that with Emily? She hadn’t even known her for 24 hours. She glanced at Emily and the smile on her face made Alison’s heart beat faster.

She felt something buzzing by her face and she saw an angry creature with a stinger and her heart stopped beating wildly because of lust and started beating wildly because of fear.

“Oh, shit. And a big ass hornet.” She swatted at it out of instinct.

The bug aggressively came back at her and she stumbled, twirling around trying to get away from it. She shrieked at it and lost her footing and started to fall backwards. To her surprise, Emily caught her before she hit the ground.

Alison stared up at her, completely speechless. She wasn’t sure if it was the fact that Emily was holding her or the fact that Emily had even been able to gauge where to catch her that was the most shocking. Emily Fields was draped over her, touching her, holding her. She loved the feeling of Emily’s warm skin against hers. She felt so at home in her arms.

“You okay?” Emily asked.

_Hrpmh…_ Her mind wouldn’t form words at first. But her libido certainly had a lot to say. _Kiss her. Kiss her right now. Jump her bones. Do it._

“I…um…” _I think I just fell for you._ She opened her mouth, but then slammed it shut again. _Don’t fucking say that, Alison. That sounds like something you’d hear in an after-school special. You are not that damn corny._ It was something she would berate a typical sappy high schooler for, not something she would say. But oh how she felt it. She cleared her throat. “How did you…” She finally found her voice.

“I told you,” Emily helped her get steady on her feet. “I know how to do things for myself.”

“And apparently for others, too.” The girl was like a damn superhero.

“When I can.” Emily nodded.

“Thank you,” Alison said, nearly breathless. She almost added _“My hero_ ” to the end of it, then shook her head of the absurdity of how it sounded. “You’re really intuitive.”

“That’s one word, I guess. I’m not like some _She-Daredevil_ or anything. You don’t go blind and then suddenly develop spidey-senses.”

_Secret nerd. Love her._

“I’ve learned a lot of tricks. And I’ve gotten really good at memory retention and deduction.”

They started walking again. It was quiet for a few seconds, but then Alison turned to Emily in curiosity.

“You said you see things in your mind,” Alison said. “What do you see when you picture me?”

Emily smiled, like she’d been waiting for the question. It was human nature to want to know what their mirror image in other people’s mind was. Emily smacked her lips together and pinched her brow in thought.

“Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Impeccable dress sense.”

Alison was stunned. Maybe she _was_ a superhero. A psychic ninja superhero. Or maybe she wasn’t really blind. Emily heard Alison huff in surprise.

“Okay, do you have an earpiece I can’t see? Is someone feeding you this information?” Alison teased.

“You’re hard to forget.”

“What do you mean?” Alison cocked her head in confusion.

Emily laughed. Of course she was lost. It was so long ago. But Emily would never forget that day.

“You really don’t remember me, do you?” Emily asked.

Alison’s face flushed in embarrassment, yet again. Then she got angry at herself. Why did Emily have this effect over her?

“It’s okay.” Emily chuckled. “Don’t get yourself too worked up about it.”

“How did you…”

“I can practically _feel_ you blushing,” Emily said. She was good at guessing people’s reactions. Almost too good. “It was a long time ago. We couldn’t have been more than…five, probably. It was at the pool at the athletic club. I’d never been before because we didn’t have a membership. Girl from the wrong side of the tracks and all. But a girl from school was having a pool party and I got invited.” She remembered feeling so overwhelmed at seeing how the other half lived. Everything was so fancy. “You were there with your family.” At least she’d assumed they were her family because of the resemblance. “You were playing near the deep end and you fell in. I could tell you weren’t that strong of a swimmer and I went in after you. I helped you get to the ladder and you told me I looked like a mermaid.”

Alison’s face lit up. She remembered that day. She remembered a dark-haired little girl wrapping her arms around her and pulling her towards the side of the pool.

“You weren’t afraid of the water.” And more importantly she wasn’t afraid of Alison. Most people were intimidated by her because of her status in life. But Emily had looked at her like one little girl would look at another one on the playground. “I remember being really impressed by that,” Alison said softly. “You dove right in. No hesitation.”

“You _do_ remember.”

“You were wearing a pink and white bathing suit. You told me that being in the water made us strong, because water could get through every force on the planet. You said that even when water was trapped it found a new path.”

“My dad taught me that. It was after a swim class I had when I was two. When I took my floaties off and went under I accidentally snorted water up my nose and I panicked. But my dad calmed me down. He taught me to respect the water, but to never fear it. I ended up falling in love with swimming that day.”

“You were a really strong swimmer. I remember. You looked so at home paddling around the pool that day.”

Alison remembered a little girl, free, drifting around like she was part of the water, like it would do her bidding if she asked it to. That day came rushing back to Alison. And something she remembered clearly was the little girl looking at her and smiling before she swam off to play. Alison had watched the little girl that day, too intimidated to approach her and talk to her again. She had watched Emily, a sweet shy little girl with a bold personality and no fear. She had seen Emily _watching_ everything. She had not only been able to see, she had _observed._ Emily had _seen_ her. So, what had happened between then and now?

“I can’t swim like I used to, but if I know the area well enough I don’t mind jumping in and freestyling for a little bit. As long as I know where the edges are, I’m good. And the good thing is that a lot of the places where I used to swim, I remember fairly well in my mind.” She smiled. “Memory retention.” She tapped her temple with her index finger.

“So…you weren’t born blind?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “I lost my sight a few years ago.”

_How? Did someone hurt you? Who did this to you? I will find them and I will kill them._

Alison waited on Emily to elaborate, but she was suddenly not very chatty anymore. She sighed and shook her head, like she was trying to shake a bad memory away. Alison wanted to ask more. But was it too soon? Too personal? Maybe that was something that Emily needed to tell her in her own time.

The air was quiet as Alison contemplated the etiquette for something like this. After a few seconds a beeping noise interrupted her train of thought. She grabbed her phone and glanced at it. It was a text from her mother. Her flight had come in early and the travel arrangements she’d previously made didn’t work with the earlier time. She needed a ride home from the airport. Alison cursed the poor timing. She could spend all day with Emily and it still wouldn’t be enough time for her.

“Why didn’t you say anything before? About us knowing each other?” Alison questioned curiously.

“I wasn’t sure it was you at first,” Emily replied. A simple answer, but Alison felt like there was more to it. “There are a lot of Alisons in the world.”

But there was only one Alison DiLaurentis. And right now she was completely infatuated with Emily Fields.

Her phone chirped at her again and she huffed in agitation.

“If you need to take that, I understand,” Emily said.

Of course she understood. She was effing perfect.

“It’s my mom. I’ve got to pick her up.” Alison frowned at her phone. “But I want to continue this.” She looked up at Emily. “Since tomorrow will be your first day at Rosewood, how about we meet in the cafeteria at lunch? I can tell you everything you need to know about the school.”

Emily let out a sigh of disappointment. Was she sad that Alison had to go? Did she like her, too? Alison watched her eagerly, a little anxious about the fact that the brunette suddenly looked so downtrodden. She didn’t like seeing her sad.

“I can’t tomorrow,” Emily said. “My parents and I are still finalizing my school schedule and the accommodations the school is making for my advanced learning needs. It’s going to take them a little time to get everything set up. I probably won’t be on campus until next week.”

Alison felt her stomach tense up. A week? A whole week of not being able to sit with Emily at lunch and talk about how their day was going? Discuss their annoyances? Talk about their favorite classes? Get to know one another more? Fall in love like every protagonist in a bad high school rom-com?

“But won’t you be behind if you aren’t in class?” Alison asked.

“My teachers all wrote up and recorded special lesson plans and condensed them into audio files for my first week, because they knew we were still working out the details.” Emily smiled appreciatively. “They’ve all been wonderful so far. I think they’re actually going to get me through to graduation.”

_As if you need to worry about not graduating. You are as intelligent as you are witty._ Alison thought, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her hand.

“But it’s very sweet of you to worry about my academic career though.” Emily added. “Aria and Hanna are usually pretty good about keeping me up to speed, but I might need a proxy to help me with some of my assignments…”

“I’ll do it.” Alison didn’t even let her finish. _Be more desperate._ She chided herself in thought. “It’ll give me an opportunity to have a break from babysitting my brother.” She added.

“You have a little brother?” Emily didn’t remember a little brother.

“No, I’m talking about my older brother, Jason. He’s a man-child.” Alison called him out. She wondered how bad his hangover was going to be today. “He’s in his twenties and he still needs supervision to open a slice of cheese.” She rolled her eyes. “I know you said you were your father’s only daughter, but do you have any brothers?”

“It’s just me.” Emily shook her head.

“Consider yourself lucky.”

“People always say that about only children.” Emily laughed softly. “I don’t think you realize how lucky _you_ are to have a sibling.”

The only reason Alison felt lucky was because she was standing next to Emily. Her brother had nothing to do with it.

“I guess he’s not so bad,” Alison said. “It’s kind of nice to have someone who has the same experience of childhood as I do.” She paused and then added, “Plus, if I ever need a kidney or something, he’s a perfect match.” If he didn’t drink himself into organ failure before then.

“That’s the spirit.” Emily smiled. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

They started moving towards the parking lot.

“How about I give you a lift home?” Alison asked hopefully.

“I don’t know. I’ve been warned about getting into cars with strangers.” Emily teased. She laughed. “My dad should be done with his hike any minute. We’re going to pick up my mom from her day-time yoga retreat.”

“God, is your whole family this Zen?” Alison asked.

“Hardly. My mother is wound pretty tight.” The smile faded from her face. There was something more beneath the surface. Alison wanted to ask what it was, but she refrained.

A soft gust of wind breezed through the air and Alison felt a droplet of rain hit her arm. She glanced up. Despite the sky looking mostly blue there were a few rain clouds strewn about.

“You were right.” Alison felt another drop of rain land on her shirt.

“I always am.” Emily flipped her palm over with a smile. A cool splash hit her hand. “More accurate than _The Weather Channel_.”

“Most people are more accurate than _The Weather Channel_. A rock sitting outside tied to a rope is more accurate than _The Weather Channel._ ” Alison snickered.

“True.”

“Are you sure I can’t give you a ride? I’d hate for you to get wet.” _Unless I’m the one making you wet._ She grumbled to herself. _Stupid fucking hormones._

“It’ll pass. I don’t think it’s going to do anything but sprinkle. It’s refreshing.” Emily shrugged.

Alison smiled at her. When she reached her car she felt an overwhelming sadness. She liked being around Emily. Leaving her was hard.

“Well, Emily Fields,” Alison fished for her keys in her pocket. “It was great to run into you again.”

_‘Run in to her’_ her ass. She’d totally planned it.

“Likewise, Alison DiLaurentis.”

“I’ll see you at school,” Alison said.

“I won’t see you.” Emily teased back.

Alison climbed in her car, cringing when she put the key in the ignition because she couldn’t remember what she was listening to on the radio and she didn’t want something uncool to start blaring and for Emily to overhear. Luckily, it was just a generic pop-rock song.

Alison started to wave, but then felt like a dumbass when she remembered Emily couldn’t see. Emily took a step to the side, letting Ace guide her back to the sidewalk. She heard the engine of Alison’s car fading as she pulled out of the parking lot. Emily stood on the sidewalk, motionless.

“She really has no idea.” Emily reached out in search of Ace’s head. “What am I getting into here, Ace?” She scratched his ear. His tail started swaying.

Alison DiLaurentis was in to her. It was unexpected to say the least. Her lips curled into a smile. Coming back to Rosewood was _not_ going like she’d planned. The last thing she expected was for Alison DiLaurentis to fawn all over her. This was going to cause trouble. But she was ready for it.


	3. The Dark Side

* * *

**Chapter 3:**

**The Dark Side**

Alison spent the next several days scrolling through various social media sites and doing intense web searches on Emily Fields. She found next to nothing. There were a few public photos of her scattered on her friends’ social media sites, but Emily didn’t have any sites of her own. It wasn’t a complete surprise, because why would she post photographs she couldn’t see? Why would she waste her time behind a screen when she needed actual interaction to connect to people?

But what about the time before she’d lost her sight? Emily hadn’t specified when or how it had happened. But she imagined she would have had _some_ kind of social media presence before it happened. But if she had any kind of digital footprint, Alison couldn’t find it. She had to settle for tagged status updates from Emily’s friends like _“Love my girls!”_ and _“Night out with these chicas!”_ and photos from her friends’ profiles. The only ones she recognized were Hanna and Aria.

There were a few pictures of Hanna, Emily, and Aria on Hanna’s page. There was also one of a younger _adorable_ Emily with Toby and Jenna outside a house decorated with Christmas decorations on Jenna’s page. They were all wearing sunglasses and posing for the camera like they were _Charlie’s Angels._ In another picture she found Emily smiling with Hanna, their arms wrapped around one another. Their cheeks were touching. They were wearing matching shades. It pissed Alison off. She wanted to be in Hanna’s place.

The photos she saw of her were all perfect. Emily looked gorgeous in every single one of them. There was one with her clad out in a bathing suit sitting on a beach, a stylish pair of sunglasses framing her face. Her body was even more appetizing than Alison had imagined it. She bit her lip and let out an unintentional grunt. She right clicked on the photo and saved it to a hidden folder on her desktop, for... _future_ purposes if she was ever feeling a little frisky.

She kept searching, but the results were slim. Other than the few photos she found there was nothing else online about her. It irked Alison that she couldn’t just discover the whole life of Emily Fields online. If she wanted to get to know her she was going to have to _actually_ get to know her. How did people even _do_ that? She felt like she was back in the stone ages. She’d never come across anyone she couldn’t cyber-stalk before. Most people put their entire lives on the internet. It was just another way in which Emily was an enigma. A different beautiful enigma.

She’d never quite met anyone like her before. She’d never been so invested, so… _obsessed_. Maybe what made Emily so alluring was the fact that Alison wanted Emily to want her. Usually, her crushes flocked to her. She wasn’t used to being on the other side of it.

Alison had been with her fair share of girls, and guys. She’d practically dated half the school. But this felt different than just the lustful attraction she was used to when it came to pretty people. It’s like she felt actual physical pain not having her around, like she couldn’t imagine the world without her. It was both intoxicating and infuriating, because she didn’t like feeling so out of control of her emotions.

But then she thought of Emily’s tone firm arms around her body at the park and all of her irritation was forgotten. Emily seemed like she was in pretty decent shape. Alison was willing to bet she used a stationary bike or a pilates machine, because when she’d felt Emily’s body against hers yesterday she’d been able to feel her muscles.

Normally nothing could get Alison to let down her guard, but when Emily touched her she felt like an unmolded clump of clay just waiting for Emily’s perfect fingers to shape her into the most beautiful piece in existence. But how was that even remotely possible considering Alison was _already_ perfect?

But in her arms, _oh God_ , in her arms…she felt transported to another world. She’d actually been able to feel Emily’s muscles twitching against her body. She’d been able to feel her heartbeat. She’d been able to smell her body lotion and perfume. Emily was perfect. There wasn’t one inch of the raven-haired siren that Alison hadn’t checked out, except for her eyes. She’d yet to see her eyes, not even in the photos she’d found online, but she imagined they were just as deep and introspective as her mind.

She thought of how she’d felt with Emily’s skin pressed against hers, her plump lips twisted into a smile, her long slender fingers wrapped around her arms, slowly working their way down her body, tickling against her waistband, slipping down into her panties…

“Alison…” A shrill voice shook her out of her daydream.

Alison looked up across the lunchroom table. Spencer was waving a hand in front of her face, snapping her fingers in a crisp authoritative manner.

“What?” Alison asked sharply, pissy that her cousin had ruined her daydream. It’s like she could still feel Emily’s fiery touch leaving hot indents all across her skin.

“This is important. If we can’t get on the same page about our defense we’re going to lose the match this weekend.”

“God, save it for the locker room, _Captain._ ” She sneered at the word. That top spot _should_ be hers, but she’d just had to be sick and out of sorts the day they squared off for the coveted position. _And_ they’d used a play that Alison had come up with. Spencer never let her live it down. And she refused to let Alison be her co-captain, telling her _“this isn’t a sport where everyone gets a participation trophy”_. She was constantly throwing her Captainly duties in Alison’s face. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were related Alison would have ripped her apart ages ago.

“Rowr.” Noel spoke up from beside Alison. He lifted his brows, like he was eagerly anticipating a wrestling match between the two girls. He would be that douche who would push them into a vat of jello to watch them duke it out.

Spencer went back to talking about plays and strategy and tried to incorporate stupid shit like geometry and statistics into it. Alison feigned interest, but soon found herself drifting off in thought again. It wasn’t until Spencer addressed her with a question and then got huffy about the fact that Alison didn’t answer and threw a packet of salad dressing at her to get her attention that Alison started paying attention again.

“Why are you throwing house toppings at me?” Alison frowned in disapproval, picking up the packet of Ranch Dressing. She held it between her index finger and thumb and looked at it like she was going to get herpes from the calories.

“I asked you a question.” Spencer looked at her in suspicion. She could see that something was up. This was about more than just her normal bitchiness. “What is wrong with you? You’ve been spacey all week. Is Jason keeping you up with his partying again?”

 _No. I’m in love, you Machiavellian troglodyte._ Alison scoffed internally.

Spencer was smart in a lot of ways, but when it came to human emotions she was just as stunted as Alison.

“Yeah. He’s been on a bender.” Alison lied. She didn’t mind throwing her brother under the bus. She loved him, but he was annoying as hell. “So you’ll excuse me if I fall asleep in the middle of your stupid field hockey lectures.”

“I stopped talking about field hockey five minutes ago,” Spencer said. “Wow, you really _weren’t_ listening. I asked if you remembered to get my Trig book out of your locker.” Spencer had a frown on her face. “I need those notes.”

“Relax, Hastings. The test isn’t until Monday.” Noel replied, throwing his arm around Alison.

She immediately ducked away from him. She glared at him and he just shrugged innocently. He always had to sit next to her when they hung out. It was a little pathetic really. He thought he was hot shit just because he was a star athlete and he was always beside the hottest girl in school.

They weren’t a thing. In fact, she’d only fooled around with him a few times. It was before she realized she was more attracted to women. Noel thought Alison’s fluid sexuality was hot. Before Cece had moved away he and his teammate Ben were constantly asking if the two of them could make out in front of them. Cece had called them horny toads not fit for the swamp.

Noel liked to act like he was with Alison for appearances, but he only hung all over her to up his cred. Ben was equally obnoxious. Boys were so tiresome. She missed Cece.

Cece had been way more fun than the boys and Spencer. She ignored some phallus-related pun that Noel spouted out and looked down at her phone, pretending that she was dealing with very important business. In reality, she was texting Cece about how horrible her first week was going without her partner in crime by her side.

_“Did you really have to go to school THOUSANDS of miles away all the way across the sea? You’ve left me with mouthbreathing morons. These idiot dickheads are going to be the death of me. God, I miss you.”_

She was surprised when she got a response almost immediately,

_“You just miss me going down on you.”_

Alison laughed out loud. That sharp wit was one of the things Alison missed about her the most. But, just like with the boys, even though she’d fooled around with Cece, they’d never been anything serious.

Alison shook her head with a smirk and then sent Cece back a wink emoji, an emoji blowing a kiss, and an emoji of a sushi tuna roll.

Cece replied,

_“Don’t be clingy. It’s very unattractive, love.”_

_“LOVE?”_ Alison typed. _“God, all that European air is making you soft.”_

 _“And you and I both know you don’t like it soft, do you, Alison?”_ Followed up by an emoji holding up a peace sign. To them though, it definitely was _not_ a peace sign.

 _“You are so bad, Cece Drake.”_ Followed by a grinning emoji with devil horns.

_“No worse than you. Has lover-girl seen your dark wild side yet?”_

_“Still getting to know her. Don’t want to scare her away.”_

_“How’s it going?”_

_“She’s amazing.”_ She added three heart emojis.

Just as she was getting ready to hit send she heard Ben grunt out a prehistoric caveman noise under his breath.

“Hey, who’s the new chick?” He questioned.

Alison slowly looked up from her phone, feigning indifference, because what was some new girl to Alison DiLaurentis?

It was only when she saw her across the room that she realized who it was. The rest of the cafeteria fell away and Alison only saw _her_. Her long slender legs, her strong sturdy arms. Her radiant personality. Emily was _finally_ on campus. Alison had to fight her inner urge to leap out of her chair and flock over to her like a puppy greeting her favorite human after they’d been apart for mere minutes.

Alison smiled. She’d been expecting to have to wait an entire week before she saw her again. But here Emily was, three days later, earlier than Alison had been anticipating.

“Holy shit, is she blind?” Noel asked.

“No, the sunglasses and walking stick are a fashion statement.” Spencer replied sarcastically.

“She can be my pimp-daddy any day.” Ben nodded in approval.

“I’d love to show her _my_ walking stick.” Noel added.

“Barbarians.” Spencer muttered under her breath. She looked at Alison like _“can you believe these morons?”_

Then she saw the look on her cousin’s face. Alison was staring at the brunette like she was the only thing in the world. Spencer had never seen her look like that before. She watched Alison in curiosity. Alison put on a tough bitchy front at school, but Spencer knew when the cockles of her cold dead heart were warm about something.

Alison pretended to be impenetrable, but it was all an act to protect herself. The trouble with her act was that she’d gotten very good at it. She’d immersed herself in it so deeply that Spencer was sure Alison was starting to believe her own lies. But she saw something in her now. A vulnerability. Alison looked different. Transformed.

Spencer glanced over at the new girl. Was Alison interested in Emily Fields? She wasn’t sure if Alison remembered her, but Spencer certainly did. It was a match that was sure to end in disaster, especially given Emily’s relation to Toby and Jenna.

Alison saw Spencer eyeballing her.

 _Close your mouth, idiot._ Spencer’s eyes warned.

Alison’s jaw snapped shut and her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. God, could she have been more obvious? Did Ben and Noel notice? She glanced at them. Of course they didn’t notice. They were too preoccupied thinking with their wangs.

She peered back in Emily’s direction, trying to appear casual as she watched her. Toby was standing beside her, their shoulders nearly touching. He’d buffed up during the summer, not that Alison cared. He hovered over her like a protective alpha wolf in the wild looking after his pack. She was going to have to find that alpha’s weakness…or challenge him and rip his throat out.

They were having a conversation. The noise in the cafeteria suddenly started to piss Alison off. She wanted to know what they were saying. Did Toby know the truth about what she’d done to him and Jenna? Was he poisoning Emily against Alison? She wanted to yell, to scream, and tell everyone to shut up. She wanted to hear every word coming out of Emily’s mouth.

Toby said something to her and then walked off. Alison saw him glare in her direction. She held his gaze with a steely expression.

 _Bring it, bitch-boy._ She thought to herself.

“So, what do we think, Alison?” It was Ben’s voice. “Bang or no?”

Her fiery gaze met his. She wanted to wipe the cocky grin off of his stupid face. How dare he talk about Emily like that? She reminded herself to put laxatives in his sports drink the next time he had practice. Because fuck him.

“She’s kind of hot.” Noel smiled.

“I’d tap it.” Ben nodded.

“Don’t even think about it, cretins.” Alison threatened. She had all but staked a claim on her.

“Ow, why such bite, Alison?” Noel lifted his thick bushy eyebrows and laughed.

She wanted to take a weed-whacker to his forehead sometimes. Not even hot wax could fix his atrocious brow.

 _You son of a bitch._ Her eyes narrowed at him.

“Yeah, she’s fair game. You didn’t call dibs.” Ben agreed.

 _Dibs._ Fucking _dibs_. Like she was an object. That pissed Alison off beyond belief. She wanted to smash Noel’s fingers with a hammer and kick Ben in the balls with a steel-toed boot and tell them never to look at Emily again. Instead, she fell back on old habits. _Bitchy Ali._

“Like you’d have a shot with her?” Alison rolled her eyes at Ben. “You couldn’t even hold on to Metal Mouth Margot.”

Alison motioned to a gangly girl with braces, Ben’s latest ex. _She’d_ dumped him. It had really messed with his mind. Alison smiled as she saw her insult land. His face furrowed in irritation and he glanced down.

She was so busy basking in the glow of her win that she didn’t see Emily and Toby leave. When she turned around and saw them gone she huffed in frustration. She’d spent days daydreaming about Emily and she’d had her in her sights again and Ben and Noel had _ruined_ it.

She glanced back at Spencer and the boys. She looked at Ben with a sour look on her face. Now she had another reason to hate Ben Coogan. She really did need to find a way to drop him and Noel. They were of no use to her anymore.

She spent the rest of the lunch period sulking silently in thought. If she was a _normal_ girl she would have gotten up and gone after Emily. But she had a persona to showcase for her adoring public. So she angrily shoved flakes of her salad into her mouth until the bell rang.

Spencer tried to stop Alison from bolting. Alison knew she’d have a bunch of questions about why she was acting so weird around Emily, so she quickly fled into a sea of students down the hallway. She hid out in the bathroom until she was sure Spencer was tired of looking for her. Then she walked out into the deserted hallway…

…and walked directly out in front of Emily’s path. Emily tapped her walking stick around until it brushed a water fountain. Emily easily found it and then leaned over to get a sip of water.

Alison watched her lips pucker in the stream of fluid. God, she even drank water seductively. Alison bit her lip and then walked over to her.

Emily immediately sensed a presence next to her. She stood up and faced her.

“Alison DiLaurentis.” She smiled.

Alison felt her heart swell when she heard Emily say her name.

“How did you know it was me?” Alison asked.

“I have my ways.”

Emily certainly wasn’t going to tell her that she’d already memorized the scent of her perfume and body wash, or that for some reason she knew the unique gait of her heels. Emily could tell that she walked with purpose and confidence.

“No sled dog today?” Alison asked. “Where’s Ace?”

“Oh, he had some paid vacation time stored up so I gave him some time off.” Emily quipped. Her laughter softened. “He’s actually at home sleeping off a day at the Vet. Had to get him up to date on his vaccinations.” She smiled. “People worry about the seeing eye dogs biting when in reality it’s their people you have to worry about.”

“Uh oh, you bite?”

 _Fuuuuck. Me._ She glanced at Emily’s mouth, feeling herself throbbing as she licked her lips.

“As long as you’ve had your Rabies shot you should be fine.”

Their laughter filled the hallway. It slowly wound down and the hallway was quiet again. Alison felt nervous, her tension palpable.

 _Make conversation!_ She screamed at herself.

“I tried to follow you.” _Make BETTER conversation. You sound like a psychopath._ “Not in a creepy stalker way.” She added quickly. “Online. I was wondering about whether or not you were keeping up with this first week at school.” Now she sounded like Spencer. _Keep it together, DiLaurentis._ “I thought maybe you could use a study buddy.” _Who the FUCK says “study buddy”?_ “…so I went online, but I couldn’t find you. What’s your handle?”

“I don’t have one,” Emily replied. “I prefer to live in reality. Technology is great and everything, but sometimes I feel like dropping my phone in a vat of acid and getting lost in nature for a while.”

_Yikes. No phone? In what terrifying apocalyptic society would that NOT be miserable?_

Alison couldn’t imagine living her life without being attached to her phone. It was her lifeline. But then she started to wonder how healthy it was for her to need to have her phone on her all the time. It’s not like she’d spontaneously combust if she went without it for a little while.

“There’s just…something lost with technology,” Emily said, seemingly lost in thought.

But technology also offered great benefits. To be able to hit a button and talk to someone hundreds of miles away instantly? It would have seemed like magic to people in the past.

“Not necessarily.” Alison argued. “Without technology you wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with anyone except the people who are within walking distance of you.”

“People found ways to communicate before technology.” Emily pointed out.

“Yes, but by the time the carrier pigeons reached their destination with the life-saving information in their message the receiver of said message was already dead from cholera.”

Emily laughed. Alison was a lot funnier and lot more clever than she’d initially realized. She was different than her reputation would have people believe. Or maybe she was just different with her.

“From life-life saving messages on the legs of carrier pigeons to today’s modern Doctor Google. Who would have ever seen that coming?” Emily quipped, pointing to her sunglasses.

Alison was so intrigued by what was hiding behind them. She really wanted to take them off and look into Emily’s eyes. Blind or not, the eyes were the window to the soul. And she could feel Emily’s soul. She just wanted to see it. There was a lengthy pause of silence as Alison stumbled to get her thoughts back in order.

“It’s okay to laugh, Alison.” Emily assured her. “If I didn’t have a sense of humor about it, it would be a lot harder for me to deal.”

A bell clanged loudly, signifying that they were late for class. It wasn’t a big deal to Alison. She ran on her own schedule. She was really good at sweet-talking her way out of breaking the rules. It helped that her parents were huge donors to the school, so she could pretty much get away with murder. And even if she got some pissy substitute or something she could always claim menstrual cramps and no one would question it.

“So…” Alison suddenly found herself trying to stay afloat amidst all of her swirling emotions, “…you need someone to show you where your next class is?”

“Oh, I’m not _officially_ starting yet. I just had to come by to get the ball rolling for next week. Get the lesson plans the teachers prepared for me, double check the paperwork, get my locker assignment. That kind of stuff. My mom is waiting for me in the parking lot.”

“Oh.” Alison didn’t hide her disappointment well at all. Emily could hear it in her voice.

“But hey, we’ll be study buddies in no time. I just need a few days to get a grasp on the materials. But until then, how about we take advantage of that technology that you love so much? Grab your phone. I’ll give you my number.”

She was giving Alison her number? Bold. She liked that. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and Emily rattled off her number for her.

“Got it,” Alison said. “Can you…” She felt awkward asking, but she was genuinely curious, “…do you text?”

“I _can_ with the voice to text feature.” Emily nodded, though she said it with some reluctance. “Texting may be all the rage, but you know you can actually use it to _phone_ people and talk to them, too, right?” She gave Alison a hard time. “Call me up some time. Maybe we can even meet somewhere like they did in the olden days.”

Alison liked that she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind to her. And she liked that she was so brazen in her attitude. She was so authoritative. So sure of herself. It was maddening, but incredibly attractive. It was also exciting to think about the fact that Emily was so hands-on about things. Maybe there was something to having physical contact over the digitized version after all. It was more meaningful, more intimate.

“In that case, I’ll send you a carrier pigeon soon.” Alison quipped back.

They smiled at one another and said their goodbyes. Alison watched as Emily felt her way down the hallway with her cane. She watched her turn a corner. She felt like she was in some cheesy romance movie where she should chase after her and declare her love for her.

 _Jesus, you’ve got it bad._ She shook her head, bringing herself back into reality.

When she turned around she saw Spencer staring at her from down the hall. She was coming out of the computer lab with some equipment in her arms.

_Of fucking course. My damn luck._

Alison waved at her like nothing was out of the ordinary, like she wasn’t in love with some girl she’d just met. And then she sauntered off to class.

She knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid Spencer’s cross-examination for long. In fact, she was prepared for it that afternoon when Spencer dropped in at the DiLaurentis house to study. For most girls, studying was a cover. But not for Spencer. She took her education very seriously. She was in constant competition with her older sister Melissa, who was away at college. Spencer yearned to be better than Melissa. So she spent her life buried in books.

They’d actually almost gotten in half an hour of study time before Spencer brought Emily up. They were in Alison’s room going over their Economics notes. Alison was lying on her bed on her stomach, her book open in front of her. She wasn’t really reading about finances and stocks. She was lost in thought. Spencer was sitting in Alison’s designer frilly faux beanbag chair flipping through her book. She wasn’t really reading anymore either.

“So, what’s with you and Emily?” Spencer casually looked up from her book.

“You know her? How?” Alison questioned, almost defensively.

“You know she’s not _new_ new, right?” Spencer fished for information from Alison. She wasn’t sure how much she remembered.

“Yeah, she’s been in and out of Rosewood. She told me.” Alison nodded, pushing herself into a sitting position. It was an inner desire to be above Spencer, to be the one controlling the conversation.

“You don’t remember her?” Spencer sounded both exasperated and confused.

“Of _course_ I remember her.” Alison bit back, feeling the need to justify herself. “We met at a pool when we were kids. Except…” She paused in thought. She chewed on her lip, trying not to look like a ditsy bimbo in love. “The Emily that I remember wasn’t blind.” She tried to be casual. She didn’t need her uppity cousin getting in her business.

“Yeah,” Spencer said in a matter of fact manner, like Alison should know the entire history of Emily Fields. “She wasn’t always.” Spencer licked the tip of her finger to get a better grip on the page in the book she was reading and flipped to the next page.

“That’s disgusting, Spence. Do you _know_ how many kids have used that book before you? How many…nasty little germs are crawling on that paper?” Alison grimaced.

“You are such a little priss.” Spencer laughed.

Alison glared at her, her anger taking over for the slightest moment. But then she remembered what they’d just been talking about and her rage melted.

 _Emily Fields._ Just the thought of her soothed her emotions.

“So, do you know what happened to her?” Alison asked.

Spencer looked up from her studies. She looked conflicted.

“You really don’t know?”

Alison shook her head.

“Think about it…” Spencer furrowed her brow.

Alison glared at her.

“Just stop being a shit and tell me.”

“Fourth of July?” Spencer asked.

The date registered to Alison, but not for good reasons.

She’d done something bad two years ago. Something stupid that had gotten out of hand. It was the reason Toby looked at her like she was the anti-Christ. It was the reason Jenna had skipped town the _second_ she got into college. And unbeknownst to her, it was the reason for something far more dastardly.

“Your little fireworks stunt didn’t just hurt Jenna and Toby.” Spencer explained. “Emily was there, too.”

It had been a stupid and impulsive decision she’d made after Jenna humiliated her big brother. They’d been dating and Jenna had cheated on him, and that pissed Alison off. So to teach her a lesson she was planning to cause a little vandalism to Jenna’s pottery work in her garage. She’d grabbed a few cherry bombs and lit them and tossed them inside. One of them had landed on a flammable paint can and it had exploded and the garage had ignited in seconds. Alison had gotten so scared that she ran into the woods and hid.

Alison had no idea anyone, much less Emily, had been in there at the time. And she didn’t care to follow up on it, because she didn’t want to look suspicious. No one had ever found out who’d thrown the fireworks into the garage, though she suspected Toby had seen her and he knew, but he never came forward or confronted her for some reason. Probably because there was no proof.

Toby’s silence had always seemed odd to Alison. Because ultimately he was the one who ended up taking the heat for the fire. The cops found a bunch of unused fireworks in his room so they’d assumed that Toby was responsible. Never mind that more than half the kids in Rosewood had the same stash, because buying firecrackers is what everyone did around the fourth of July. Toby had always maintained that he was innocent, but the cops didn’t believe him. They assumed Toby, Jenna, and much to Alison’s surprise…Emily had been playing with the fireworks when something went wrong.

Alison had heard that Toby had burned his arm pretty badly and that Jenna had lost her hearing and vision in her right ear and right eye. But no one had ever mentioned anything about Emily.

“What?” Alison gasped. “But that’s not…” _That’s not possible. I couldn’t have hurt her. Please tell me I didn’t hurt her._ “The news reports didn’t say anything about her.”

“She had _just_ moved back to town. They were staying with Toby’s family while they were house-hunting. After the fire her parents were protective about her privacy. They didn’t want her thrust into the limelight. Actually, according to my mom, Toby’s and Jenna’s parents felt the same way. They were trying to protect Emily, Toby, and Jenna. Emily’s family didn’t stay in Rosewood long. I think they left to seek treatment options for her injuries.”

“Are…are you saying _I_ did this to her?” What was this feeling she felt? Remorse? Guilt? How could she have hurt such a beautiful soul? How could she have done that?

“Look, I know it wasn’t intentional…”

“That doesn’t matter!” Alison raised her voice. It was shrill and sharp. It startled her cousin.

“Whoa.” Spencer blinked in surprise. “How come you weren’t this upset about hurting Toby and Jenna?”

“Their injuries healed.” Mostly. Alison ran her fingers through her hair nervously. “Hers didn’t. God, I ruined Emily’s life.” She couldn’t quite process it.

“You didn’t _ruin_ …”

“I took her fucking sight away from her. Oh my God.” _How could I have done that?_

Spencer saw Alison clenching wads of her blonde locks as she mumbled something inaudible to herself.

“You’re really freaked about this.”

“Of course I am! She’s _blind_ because of me.” _I’m a fucking monster._

“Jenna is half blind and half deaf and you don’t give a shit about her.”

“Because she’s not Emily!” Alison let her true feelings slip. She quickly tried to backtrack. “I mean Jenna’s not…she was kind of a bitch to start with and I’m not saying she deserved it, but Emily _definitely_ didn’t…”

Spencer had never seen her so tongue-tied.

“Oh my God, Alison, tell me you don’t have a thing for her.” Spencer gawked. “If she ever finds out…”

“If you tell her I swear to God…”

“Of course I’m not going to tell her. I’ve kept your secret for this long, haven’t I?”

No one other than Spencer knew the truth of what had happened that night. If it had been anyone other than her cousin, Spencer would have alerted the authorities. But blood was thicker than water.

“But you can’t get involved with her. It’s too messy,” Spencer said.

Well, now that it was a forbidden romance it just made Alison want Emily _more_. Like a child being told they couldn’t have a piece of candy.

“I think it’s a little too late for that.” Alison admitted. “I’m not going to be able to help myself.”

Spencer grumbled and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger.

“Do you _really_ care about this girl?” Spencer asked. “You’re not manipulating her or trying to get with her because she’s hot or you think it’s trendy or because you think _you’ll_ get something out of it?”

“I…I think I’m in love with her, Spence.”

“Holy shit.” Spencer gawked, unable to stop herself from laughing at the absurdity of it. “Seriously? You just met her!”

She saw Alison blanch and look away in embarrassment. She had never seen her cousin like this.

“I didn’t mean to upset you…” Spencer closed her book and sat up next to Alison, leaning against the edge of the bed with her elbow on the mattress.

“I’m not upset.” Alison puffed back defensively, resisting the urge to shove her down to the floor.

She was Alison DiLaurentis. _Nothing_ bothered her, especially not her stupid cousin making snide remarks about some girl Spencer didn’t even know. Why should she care about that?

“Ali, it’s me.” Spencer rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to put on a front for me. I know you cried watching _The Fox and the Hound_ last month _._ ”

“You ever tell anyone that and I’ll tell everyone that you are afraid of cotton balls.”

“I’m not afraid of them.” Spencer scoffed. “I just don’t like the texture of them.” She shuddered.

“Weirdo.” Alison narrowed her brows with a smirk.

“Hey, I’m not the one _in love_ with someone I don’t even know.”

Spencer was right. She didn’t know Emily very well. Not yet. But she already knew that she was in love with her. And she’d never been in love before. At least not the warm “fuzzy googly-eyed can’t think, can’t sleep, chase each other through the airport, watching fireworks in the sky” kind of love.

“God, what am I going to do?” Alison sighed, falling against the bed on to her back.

“I don’t know.”

“Really?” Alison glared at her. “You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

Spencer’s face softened. All traces of her rigid know-it-all façade faded. She wasn’t Spencer Hastings, perfectionist. She was just a girl talking to her love-sick cousin.

“Look, Ali, I can’t tell you what you should do here. It’s an impossible situation. And you’ve had bad luck in love before.” Spencer studied her face as she spoke. “You really like her?”

“I really do.” Alison nodded.

There was a pause and Spencer sighed.

“You know it’s not just Emily you have to worry about, right? Toby isn’t going to let you anywhere near her,” Spencer said. “He’s insanely protective of her. When they were kids some little brat pushed Emily off of the swings and he came out of nowhere and tackled the boy and made him eat dirt.” She paused and thought about something. “If I recall, Emily got mad at him because she said she could fight her own battles and she stormed off and refused to talk to him the rest of the day. He was crying in the tunnel to the slide because she was mad at him. The tempers in that family…” She shook her head.

“Oh, and our family is so put together with our anger management?” Alison rolled her eyes. She felt an instinctive desire to defend Emily. “My mom shattered a martini glass aimed at my father’s head two weeks ago, and Jason broke my field hockey stick when we were arguing recently. And didn’t you throw a potted plant at your sister when she came home to visit last month?”

“Touché.” Spencer couldn’t argue. She was a little annoyed that she couldn’t argue, because she appreciated a good debate. But Alison had her beat on this one.

“We should be a Godawful reality show. _The_ _Real DiLaurentis-Hastings of Pennsylvania._ ”

“And how come your name gets top bill?” Spencer gave her a hard time.

“Alphabetical order.” Alison shrugged innocently.

“You are such a bitch.” Spencer laughed.

“All the more reason I need your help with this Emily-Toby thing. Maybe you can put in a few good words for me with him? He likes you.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. We’ve hung out a few times. We study together. That’s all.” Spencer brushed it off. But Alison saw her face redden.

“Now who likes someone?” Alison shoved her playfully.

“Even if he did like me he’s probably just using me to try and get me to spill your dirty little secrets.”

“But you won’t though, right?” Alison asked unsurely. She never knew where she stood with Spencer. They fought all the time.

“Look, I know I’m kind of a straight-laced puritan compared to you, but I’m not totally heartless. I know you were just trying to scare Jenna for what she did to Jason. Plus, at this point I’m an accomplice. I could go down for failure to report a crime, obstruction of justice…” She started prattling in legal terms. She did that a lot since her parents were lawyers. “You think I’m going to screw up my shot at Harvard over this?”

Alison nodded in satisfaction. But she was still unnerved by other people finding out.

“What if Toby already knows? What if that’s why he hates me?”

“Sure, let’s pretend there’s no other possible reason he, or half of the student body, could hate you.” Spencer snorted out a laugh. “You know you’ve pissed off most of the town with all of your Queen Bee shit.”

“It’s the cost of being fabulous.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you ought to change it up a bit. Being fabulous won’t keep you warm at night.”

Alison scowled at her, but she knew she was right. In her life she’d always used a wall of bullshit to keep her relationships mostly about personal gain and the physical aspect of feeling good. But she’d never _truly_ let anyone in. She’d never let herself feel vulnerable. At least, not until she’d met Emily. She knew things were going to have to change. And she was terrified. But at the same time, she couldn’t wait.


	4. Transparent

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

**Transparent**

It had been two days since Emily had given Alison her phone number and she hadn’t heard a word since she’d gotten the text from Alison with her number attached. Just minutes after their conversation at school she’d heard the phone alert her and an animatronic voice reading out numbers to her. It had taken her a few minutes to realize it was Alison’s number. She’d saved it to her contacts immediately. But Alison had been radio silent since then. It was confusing to say the least.

Maybe everything she’d heard about Alison’s reputation was true. Maybe she was only in it for the chase.

Emily never would have guessed that the reason Alison hadn’t called her was because she was ashamed of what she’d done, that she was scared Emily would find out and that she’d hate her.

But Emily didn’t have the energy to hate anyone. And she wasn’t one to wait around either. Her father had taught her to go after what she wanted. And that’s exactly what she intended on doing. She felt around for her phone, but she didn’t feel it sitting on the desk next to her laptop. She knocked a pile of books over and heard several things hit the carpeted ground.

“Ace.” She clicked her tongue and he was immediately at attention. “Phone.”

Ace knew several command words and he could find things she needed sometimes. He rooted around the mess on the ground until he found her cell phone. He nosed it out of the pile of books and then leaned against her and nudged her hand. She leaned over and he guided her directly to it. She put it down on her desk and leaned over to see what else she needed to clean up.

“Is everything okay up here?” Her dad knocked on the door, slowly pushing it open. “Your mother and I heard a crash.”

“Yeah, just dropped some things.” Emily nodded. “Tell mom not to worry.”

Her mother was very much a worry-wart. Her dad was the only person in the world who knew how to calm her down. He walked in and started gathering everything up. She heard him shuffling around.

“Thanks.”

“I know you could have done it,” he said. “I just wanted to save you the trouble.” He pat her arm gently. “You settling in okay, Emmy?”

“I’m fine.” Emily nodded, trying not to wince.

Every time her parents brought up the past she couldn’t help but feel a little sad about the way things had used to be. Because of everything she’d been through her mother had become overprotective. Her father tried to hide his protective streak behind his army façade, but she could still see right through him. He worried as much as her mother. It was a little annoying sometimes, but she didn’t mind. Her parents had sacrificed a lot for her.

“How are the flashes and the headaches?”

“Better. The new meds have been helping. I go back to the ophthalmologist in two weeks.”

“Good.” He handed her a tape recorder that had fallen with the braille books. “Aria and Toby still helping you with your lessons?”

“Well, I certainly can’t count on Hanna for it.” Emily cracked a smile. She loved her best friend, but a scholar she was not. “A girl from school also offered to help. Alison DiLaurentis.”

“The girl from the park?” He remembered the name.

“Yeah.” Emily perked up, but then remembered that Alison had yet to call her and she sank back down.

“It’s good you’re making friends.” Wayne nodded, running his fingers across Emily’s cheek and sweeping her hair aside. “Maybe even more?” he asked curiously.

“Dad.” Emily’s cheeks flushed and she turned away. “We just met. I don’t even know if she wants to be friends yet. For all I know the only reason she offered to help me is because she needs volunteer hours or something.”

Though Emily knew it was more than that. She could feel it. She felt a connection between them, a pull.

“Impossible. Who _wouldn’t_ want to spend time with you?” He pinched her cheeks like she was still five years old. “My little hot _tamale_.”

“Dad, please stop.” Emily begged.

“Okay.” He threw his arms up playfully. “I’m just saying, if you happen to like a pretty girl…”

So, Alison was still pretty. No surprise there. Emily imagined what the bright-eyed little five-year-old girl from the pool would look like all grown up. She had seen a few pictures of her before she’d lost her sight, but Alison had been young in them and Emily had only seen them in passing glances when she hung out with Hanna.

Sometimes when they’d had their sleepovers they’d flip through Hanna’s yearbooks or scroll through social media to see what people were up to. Emily remembered seeing a picture of Aria, Spencer, and Alison on Aria’s page that was simply titled _“whoa, talk about a throwback”_. Underneath it there was a comment from Spencer,

_“We were fetuses! I look like a cabbage patch kid! Untag! UNTAG!”_

They’d all been about ten at the time. Aria had only tagged Spencer in it. Hanna had told her that Aria wasn’t really that close to Alison, which mirrored what Alison had mentioned when they met. She’d made it seem like Aria and Spencer were closer.

That picture on Aria’s site was the last clear image she had in her head of what Alison looked like. Emily remembered the smoothness of her thick milky skin, and she remembered thinking that even though the blonde was young...her eyes and the expression she had on her face made her appear older, more deviant. Her eyes were a deep shade of bluish gray. Her golden tresses fell against her cheeks in waves, and though she was trying to appear serious in the photo she’d had a hint of a smirk on her face, her lips curved at the tips, dimples outlining her cheeks. She imagined an older more mature Alison, and it wasn’t hard to envision what she looked like now.

“I know that look.” She felt her dad swipe her cheek with his knuckles. “Someone has a crush.”

“I don’t know.” Emily tried to shrug it off. “I don’t think mom would be very happy about it.” The last thing she needed was her dad making a big deal out of it.

“You know your Ma and I are fine with it.” He assured her.

“No, _you’re_ fine with it. I can literally hear her butt cheeks tense up when I even _mention_ it.”

“She’s just not familiar with it.” Wayne tried to play mediator.

In a way, he was right. Her mother and father had both been raised a certain way and they’d always been strict in their values. Emily had only recently come out to her parents. She thought her mother was going to faint. Her dad was confused, and a little sad that she felt like she couldn’t talk to them about it sooner. But they’d both accepted her. They had faced everything as a family, and they didn’t want their daughter to feel like she couldn’t be herself, especially given everything she’d gone through. She’d lost so much. They didn’t want her to get lost in herself, too.

“Neither of us really knows much about this. We’re still learning. Give us a chance. We love you no matter what. You love who you love, kid. We just want you to be happy.” He assured her. “ _Yolo_ , as you kids say.”

“Ugh, dad. Never say that again. No one says that anymore.” She laughed. “Or at least they won’t after they hear adults using it.”

“What? I can’t say it? But I’m a _cool_ dad! I’m hip. I’m down with you kids and your sick lingo…”

“Stop, you’re embarrassing yourself. Ace even feels bad for you.” She reached out to find Ace’s head. She scratched his ears.

“Alright, alright. I’ll let you get back to your homework.” Wayne laughed. “Dinner in ten, okay?”

“Put me down for Emily plus one.” She motioned towards Ace.

“Only the finest dog chow in the land for Sir Ace…of Base.”

“Good God.” Emily uttered under her breath. He never quit.

He chuckled. She heard him walking towards the door. He stopped to pull it closed, but paused before he shut it.

“It’s good to see you smiling again, Emmy.” He nodded. “Your Ma and I were worried after everything in Maryland…after Maya…” He stopped short of finishing his thoughts when he saw his daughter stiffen up.

She was still extremely broken up over what had happened. Not a day went by that Emily didn’t blame herself for it, though it was not her fault. And she wore such a stoic mask that no one around her, aside from a few close friends and family, knew she was still healing.

“We’re just…we’re glad you’re happy. Love you, baby girl.” He didn’t say another word about Maya. He realized he’d scraped at her healing wound and pulled away from it immediately.

“Love you too, dad.” She smiled back softly.

She listened as her father’s footsteps faded as he walked away. She picked up her phone, clutching it as she thought about Maya. Her smile. Her laugh. She thought about the fact that she would never hear that laugh again. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she didn’t cry. The crying jags were mostly in her past now. But she did still think about her. Often.

She stiffened up, her emotions settling. She used the voice-to-text feature to search for Alison’s number. She tried not to overthink it. She just called her. She thought it was going to go to voicemail, but at the last second she heard the ringing stop and the line click.

Alison’s heart felt like it was going to rupture in her chest when she saw Emily’s name on the screen. She took a deep breath.

 _Be cool._ She mentally told herself as she prepared to answer. She hit a button on her screen and the call connected.

“Hello?” Alison questioned.

“Hey, Alison?”

Emily’s voice was a melody Alison didn’t realize that she needed to hear. But she was so anxious all she could think to say back was,

“Yeah?”

Emily waited for her to say more, but she didn’t. She didn’t know Alison was shaking so much that she could barely hold the phone to her ear. Alison felt like she might just blurt out everything about the Fourth of July. Emily would hate her, and she’d never feel this happy again.

“Hey, it’s Emily.” Emily threw her a bone.

“Oh, hey. Yeah. Hi.” _Shit. Fuck. Shit shit shit…what do I say? What do I do?_

“How have you been? I went to the park today. And when you didn’t show up to hog the bench I got worried.” Emily teased. “Are you stalking other people now?”

Alison knew she should laugh. She told herself to laugh, but she was too nervous.

“Oh, I’ve just been…um…busy with field hockey practice. We have a game this weekend.”

“Right. I heard about that. I was thinking about going.”

Emily was lying. She didn’t know anything about the game. But she knew Alison would be there, so she was all in.

“You go to sports events even though you can’t see the action?” But watching the action was half the fun. She felt like she’d stuck her foot in her mouth the instant it came out. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” _Dumbass._ She squeezed her eyes shut and smacked herself in the head. _Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass!_

“It’s okay.” Emily chuckled softly. She knew Alison was still learning. There was always a learning curve when someone found out about her visual impairment. “I go because I like to support my local athletes. I always wanted to be a professional swimmer.”

Alison smiled when she pictured Emily in the water. Her tan body creating ripples of warm waves, her hair flowing behind her.

“You would be amazing at that.” Alison smiled. She melted back against her bed, feeling like the luckiest person in the world just to know her. “Five-year-old me would write you a glowing recommendation.”

“What color crayon would five-year-old you use?” Emily asked curiously.

“Oh, please, I was above crayons. I was a colored pencil kind of girl.”

“Fancy.”

“What color would you like to request said recommendation in?”

“My favorite color is yellow.”

“Why yellow?”

So her favorite dishes were pot stickers and chicken quesadillas. And her favorite color was yellow. Alison made a mental note of it.

“To be fair I have a finer appreciation for all of the colors now that I can’t see them anymore. Sometimes I see auras. I’ll just be sitting somewhere and relaxing and if I close my eyes I can feel the colors and I’ll actually start to envision them. And yellow always makes me feel…” She searched for the right word, “…alive.”

The girl was a _literal_ fucking ball of sunshine. It made Alison feel like she was dissolving into a pile of goo. She leaned forward on her bed until she was on her stomach, leaning against her elbows. She kicked her feet and smiled as she listened to Emily continue,

“There’s just something about the color yellow that’s warm. It just makes me happy, you know?”

“Yeah.” Alison tried not to sound too dreamy. What was it Cece said? Being clingy was not becoming?

Whatever. What did Cece know anyway? Cece would want to _be coming_ on top of Emily if she met her. Alison shook her head with a frown.

 _Fucking hormones._ She really had to get her sex drive under control. It was in the driver’s seat a lot lately.

“What about you?” Emily asked. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Oh, that’s easy. Candy apple red.”

“That’s bold.”

“I’m a bold kind of girl.”

Alison eased right into their conversation. She had been so nervous to talk to Emily, but now that they were conversing it felt so natural and easy. Like breathing. How different would that be if Emily knew the truth about what she’d done to her? She’d probably never get to hear her voice again. Alison swallowed hard. Emily could never know.

“Hey, so I’ll be at school tomorrow. Officially,” Emily said. “How about we grab that lunch together?”

Speaking of _bold_. Alison really liked that Emily wasn’t afraid to go after what she really wanted. It was so different than the timidity of the student body she was used to. Most of the kids in her school were afraid to even look at her, much less talk to her. But Emily had called her up so casually, like they’d known each other for years and it wasn’t a big deal to do such a thing.

Alison only had a few people like that in her life, and they were all brazen and overconfident about it. Like Noel. Or Ben. But Emily did it in such a way that it wasn’t arrogant or overbearing. Unlike all the other morons who drooled over her, she actually _wanted_ Emily’s attention.

“Alison, are you still there?” Emily questioned, “Did I lose you?”

 _Never._ She was stuck to this girl like she’d never been stuck on anything else. It was so overpowering that it was almost annoying.

“I’m here.” Alison quickly replied, not wanting her to worry. “I was just thinking that maybe we could do something different than lunch in the cafeteria.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Do you know where the science lab is?” Alison asked.

“Yeah. I think I remember the way.”

“There’s an empty classroom two doors down from it that’s never locked. No one is ever in there, teachers or students. It’s the old language lab. Upper-classmen go there to make out sometimes…” Alison suddenly realized that had come out wrong and she scrambled to explain what she meant, “…not that I want to make out with you.” _Shit, now it sounds like I’m not interested. Back it up. Fix this._ “I mean, not that you aren’t hot…” _Christ. Welp, this is a dumpster fire that not even professional firefighters could put out. Pull up! You’re crashing._

She couldn’t see Emily’s amused smile on the other end of the receiver. Emily thought her being flustered was beyond cute. She could hear her nervousness.

“You think I’m hot?” Emily smirked. She couldn’t help but give her a hard time.

_I think this conversation is dangerously close to nosediving in flames. I think I’m coming off as an idiot. Stop being an idiot, Alison!_

“No?” _Yes_. _Wait, what?_ “You’re not _not_ hot.” _Shut up, for fuck’s sake. Shut up! Go back to talking about food._ “That’s not what I meant. I totally got off-track about the room. I just meant it’s quiet. The room is quiet.” Alison finally shut her anxiety up. “We’ll actually be able to hear each other without all the jocks hooting and hollering over their stupid sports.”

“Aren’t _you_ a jock, Ms. Field Hockey Champ?”

Alison smiled. She felt a warm sensation flow through her cheeks. It took her a second to realize she was blushing. She was _actually_ blushing. _Again_.

 _Why does she do this to me?_ Alison groaned in thought.

“Ugh, don’t insult me.” Alison laughed. “To put me in the same category as those demented brain-damaged boneheads that think their equipment is an extension of their genitals and treat their letterman jackets better than their friends and family is an insult to good athletes everywhere.”

_Great job. You brought it back to you being conceited._

“Noted.” Emily chuckled.

_Why is she not running away screaming or calling me a bitch?_

“Emily!” Emily heard her mother calling her from downstairs.

Emily felt a surge of annoyance. She’d _just_ gotten Alison on the phone. She grumbled out a sigh.

“I’ve got to go. It’s dinner-time, and our family dinners are apparently a big deal to my parents. Something about bonding. I guess they love me or something.”

Alison had to stop herself from saying that it was no wonder that people wanted to be around her, because she was _amazing_. She bit her tongue. She’d already put her foot in her mouth enough for the night.

Maybe one day Alison would get to experience that dinner with Emily’s family. Truth be told, she was curious about what other families did at dinners. Her family barely even uttered “hi” to each other half the time and when they did manage to get together for dinner they all sat there stiffly. Her mom usually just talked about upcoming soirees and fancy gatherings in which attendance by the whole family was mandatory. Her dad usually drank his whiskey and internalized his hatred for his family.

Jason and Alison were expected to sit there and be the perfect little children without saying a word. But did her parents ever ask her or her brother how _their_ day was? Of course not.

“So, lunch in the language lab tomorrow?” Emily’s voice brought her out of her trance.

“ _Oui, mademoiselle._ ” Alison replied.

“Ah, _Parlez-vous français_?” Emily questioned.

“It’s my favorite of the languages,” Alison admitted. “I dream of running off to Paris one day.”

“Good choice. The food is delicious. The desserts are to die for.”

“What’s your favorite?” Alison asked, desperate to keep her on the line for as long as she possibly could, like every second was a gift she didn’t want to waste.

“I love a good chocolate caramel mousse,” Emily said.

Alison smiled. She knew exactly where to get the best mousse in town. She glanced at the clock. She still had time to go out tonight and grab it before school tomorrow. She could only imagine the look that would be on Emily’s face as she sank her teeth into the delectable treat. She deserved it. She deserved everything sweet.

“Em?” Her mom called again.

“I’m being summoned. Gotta go.”

“Enjoy your dinner,” Alison said.

“Thanks.” There was a beat of silence. “Good night, Alison.”

“ _Au revoir_ , Emily.”

After they hung up Alison sat up, curling her legs up underneath her. She tapped on her phone and quickly pulled up the French restaurant she frequented with her family in the city. They were open until ten. She had plenty of time to place an order and go pick it up. She smiled to herself. She had a dazed dreamy look on her face.

“What are you smiling about?” A deep voice startled her.

She looked up and saw her brother standing in her doorway.

“None of your business.” Alison snapped.

“You are always so angry.” He shook his head. “Mom wants us to try on our outfits for the charity mixer next week. She wants to see us in them.”

“Ugh, the dress she picked is hideous on me.”

“You think _you_ got it bad? I have to wear a top hat and bowtie like a stupid fucking vaudeville dummy. I look like a washed up magician at a child’s birthday party.” He mumbled as he walked off.

Alison often wondered why Jason hadn’t run as far away from their parents as possible the second he’d turned eighteen. He still stuck around for some stupid reason. Probably because he had nothing else going on.

Alison glanced back at her phone. It was still warm in her hands. She stared at Emily’s name and the goofy smile came back to her face.

She didn’t know it, but Emily was just as distracted, their short conversation still fresh in her mind. Listening to Alison stutter nervously was the cutest thing she’d ever heard. She’d never made anyone speechless before, at least not in the way she seemed to crawl under Alison’s skin.

The brunette couldn’t stop thinking about Alison at the dinner table. She barely ate anything on her plate. She just pushed her food around and listened to her parents talk about their day. Her mother had just started a new job so she was all abuzz about it. Emily smiled politely, as she always did, and pretended to listen.

After a while her parents realized that she was being quieter than normal. Her mother, Pam, shot a concerned look over at her husband. They had some concerns about her integrating back into Rosewood.

“So, are you excited about going to school tomorrow, Emmy?” Her mom asked.

For the first time that evening, Emily’s face lit up. Because thinking about school made her think about Alison. Wayne smiled, because he knew _why_ his daughter was excited about school. He wasn’t nearly as worried as his wife.

“I can’t wait,” Emily said with a smile.

When she first learned that she was moving back to Rosewood she’d had an idea of how she’d wanted it to go. She had a plan for her senior year. But things were changing. There were things she hadn’t taken into account. And that’s how life worked. Life was what happened when you were busy making other plans. And she certainly hadn’t planned this. She couldn’t have planned it better if she’d tried.

After dinner she washed up and went to bed, wondering what lunch with Alison DiLaurentis would be like. All she knew about her was the second-hand information she got from the people who knew her, which didn’t seem to match up to the girl Alison was around Emily.

Emily wasn’t sure what to expect when she walked into the language lab the next day. She didn’t know if it was going to turn out to be some huge joke that Alison was playing on her or if they were going to jump each other’s bones. Because she felt like it could go either way.

Alison was waiting for her when she got there. There weren’t any free standing chairs, because the room had been cleaned out months ago. All that remained were a few shelves of books and a couple of desks with attached chairs. Alison had pushed two of them together to make a make-shift table. She was sitting on top of the desk with her feet against the base of the chair. She was pulling out her lunch when she heard the door open.

Emily walked in, Ace by her side. She had a bag slung over her shoulder and was using her cane to feel around the room. Before Alison could ask Emily if she needed any help, Emily assured her she had it under control. She stopped when she got to the little set up. She folded her cane up and put her things down. Alison reached out and took her hand to help her step up against the flimsy chair. She settled in next to Alison.

The lunch was surprisingly low-key. Alison was a bit reserved for some reason. Emily thought it was nerves. And she was right.

But what Emily didn’t know was that it wasn’t nerves because Alison liked her. It was nerves because she felt like she didn’t deserve her because of what she’d done.

They chatted about their families, with Alison talking more about her parents than she’d intended to. When she felt like she was getting too emo she quickly changed the subject.

“So, I brought something for you…”

She almost told Emily to close her eyes so she could surprise her, but then she looked up and saw the sunglasses on her face. Alison glanced down at Ace, who was sitting patiently next to her.

_Right. Duh._

“…well, for all of us, really.”

“Oh, um, I didn’t know we were doing gifts.” Emily had to stop herself from saying _“honey, you shouldn’t have_. _”_

Alison was just full of surprises.

“I just thought of you and Ace when I was out on an errand last night.”

Of course that errand had been planned the second she got off the phone with Emily. She reached into the insulated bag she’d used to keep the mousse cool. She pulled a ziplock baggie out from the bottom of the bag. She hadn’t just thought about Emily. She looked at the dog as she pulled a treat out of the ziplock bag.

“I brought a dog biscuit for Ace.” She looked at the food in her hand and then at Ace. “Um, is he allowed to have treats? It’s all-natural peanut butter.”

She realized she hadn’t really thought about possible restrictions when it came to service dogs.

“Yeah. But he’s trained not to take anything unless it’s from me.” Emily reached out.

Alison put the biscuit in Emily’s hand, her fingers brushing against Emily’s palm. The brunette’s skin was as soft as it looked. She held on to Alison’s hand as she let Ace know he could have the cookie. He delicately took it from their joined hands. After he finished it he was right back in working mode, looking up at Emily for his next command.

“And for us…” Alison liked saying ‘us’. She liked how it felt. She pulled the chocolate mousse out. “ _Pour vous, de moi._ ”

“Maybe now would be a good time to mention I only know a few phrases in French.” Emily chuckled.

_For you. From me. Because I am in love with you and I don’t know why._

“I brought dessert for us, too. Chocolate caramel mousse,” Alison explained.

“Oh, wow. Are you serious?” Emily gasped.

“ _Oui, mademoiselle._ ” Alison opened the box. “And I got a little something extra, too.”

There was a little plastic statue of the Eiffel Tower sitting next to the container with the dessert. Wrapped around the small figurine was a blue and white threaded cloth bracelet she’d seen at the little French Boutique on the way out of the restaurant. It had red and gold flecks spelling out _“Joie de vivre”_.

“Hold out your hand for me,” Alison said.

Emily smiled, a cool façade on her face, but inside her heart was pounding. She felt Alison’s warm hand against her fingers. Her thumb brushed over Emily’s knuckles. She slid the bracelet over Emily’s fingers. She could feel Emily’s pulse racing as she slipped the bracelet over her hand and on to her wrist.

“It’s a perfect fit.” Alison admired the bracelet against Emily’s skin.

“I didn’t get you anything though.” Emily bit her lip.

“It came with the food.” Alison lied. “I want you to have it.”

Emily traced her fingers over the bracelet. She felt the bumps of the lettering.

“What does it say?”

“ _Joie de vivre_. Loosely translated it means ‘joy of life’. You like sunshine, right?”

“This was really nice. Thank you, Alison.”

“ _De rien_.” Alison smiled. “You’re welcome.” She pulled the figurine out and then opened the container with the dessert. “Now, a little taste of France awaits.” Alison grabbed the spoons. She scooped a small amount of food on to one of the utensils.

Emily could smell the sugar wafting through the air. For a second, neither one of the girls moved. Then, finally, Emily moved forward. Alison watched as her lips closed around the edge of spoon. A tiny fleck of mousse got on her upper lip. She licked it away.

“Where did you even find this?” Emily smiled at the burst of flavor in her mouth. “It’s delicious.”

“It’s from this little French place uptown. My mother _loves_ it. She was craving it for dinner last night. Lucky us.” And the lies kept coming. But…they were good lies, weren’t they?

“Mmmhmm.” Emily looked like she was thinking it over. Alison wasn’t sure she’d bought it, but Emily didn’t call her out on it.

Emily reached out in search of the spoon and Alison handed it to her and then gave her the container. It was amazing to her how self-sufficient Emily was despite not being able to see.

“Thank you. This is incredible.” Emily took another bite.

Alison reached for a second container, her own dessert. She took a bite. It tasted divine, but it was nothing compared to the way Emily made her feel.

“Have you ever been to Paris?” Alison traced her finger along the outline of the Eiffel Tower statue.

“No, but I’ve always wanted to go. I did come close once. When I was six. My dad was stationed in Germany and I went with my mom and my grandmother to see him. The plan was to see the highlights of Europe on the trip. But I got sick and ended up being stuck at the hotel the whole time. I was so bummed. But my dad brought me all kinds of momentos. Brought the trip to me. I still have them all in a box somewhere. I remember being fascinated by seeing France in photos when I was little.” She smiled. “Sometimes I dream about going.”

“What do you see in your dreams?”

Emily put the container of mousse down and then felt around until she found Alison’s hands.

“Close your eyes.” Emily put her hand on top of Alison’s so that both of their hands were on top of the mini-statue.

“Okay.” Alison’s eyelids fluttered closed.

“I see sitting outside of a café enjoying breakfast, watching the sunrise.” Emily took in a relaxing breath through her nose. “I see walking the streets and enjoying the rustic sights, visiting all the boutiques, and trying on berets.”

A smile washed across Alison’s face. Emily would look so good in a beret. She could wear a potato sack and make it fashionable.

“I see the Seine River and the Palace of Versailles. I can feel the warmth of the sun beating through the windows of the building making the gold glimmer all around me. I can hear the crystal chandeliers above me.”

Alison imagined the palace in her mind. She felt like Emily was taking her on a virtual tour. And she never wanted it to end.

“I can hear the sounds of the people bustling around on the streets. I see…” She took a breath and then smiled, “…a sunset illuminating the city. I can see the sky painted dark pink and purple and the Eiffel Tower standing out in the distance.”

Alison could see it. She could see everything like she was actually there. The picture Emily painted was perfect. It felt so real. She saw what Emily saw, and it was incredible.

She opened her eyes and looked at Emily. The raven-haired beauty was so close that Alison could smell the sweet aroma of chocolate on her breath. Alison’s gaze flickered down towards Emily’s lips. Her body was tingling with a pulsing sensation, her brain screaming at her,

_Just kiss her!_

And for a brief second she considered doing it. She considered pressing her lips against Emily’s, imagining they would taste sweet from the dessert she’d just eaten. She imagined Emily pushing back against her embrace, grabbing Alison to pull her closer, her long tone fingers wrapping into her hair, tugging Alison’s head back just enough to expose her throat and suckle against her soft skin. Alison imagined moving forward against her, pinning her to the desk and taking her to new heights.

But then she looked up and she saw her reflection in Emily’s sunglasses looking back at her. And as much as she appreciated her mirror image, she didn’t want to see herself. She wanted to see Emily. She couldn’t take it any longer. She had to see her. _All of her_. She reached up with her free hand and gently grabbed her sunglasses.

“Can I?” Alison asked, her voice coming out quieter than she had intended.

“Yes.”

She pulled Emily’s sunglasses away from her face. Emily’s gaze was fixed, her eye line close to the top of Alison’s head.

Alison couldn’t look away. Her soft cocoa colored eyes were so beautiful and full of light. They weren’t cloudy or milky or horribly scarred like Alison expected. She could see swirls of burnt sienna in her irises. There was a spark behind them that ignited a flame inside of Alison’s chest. It was hard for Alison to believe that light was coming out of them, but that Emily couldn’t see the light around them.

Alison reached up with her fingers, but hesitated when her fingertips were centimeters away from the tops of Emily’s cheekbones.

“Is it okay if I…”

“It’s okay.” Emily nodded. She could feel Alison’s fingers hovering over her eyes, could feel the warmth radiating from her hand.

“Does it hurt?” Alison trailed her fingers under Emily’s lower lids, biting her lip.

She’d done this to Emily. She was the reason that Emily couldn’t see. She was the reason that Emily could only dream of what Paris would look like.

“I get headaches from time to time. My retinas are sensitive to all forms of light. Even though I can’t see it doesn’t mean my eyes don’t react to it. It hurts sometimes, but the drops and the meds I take help.”

Alison wanted to clarify, to ask her that she meant if being _blind_ hurt…if not being able to see was painful in ways that physical pain wasn’t. But somehow, hearing that she had physical pain was worse.

“Compared to others I’m lucky. I adjusted, you know. I still get to live my life. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do.”

Alison was speechless. So much had been taken from this girl, yet she still had such a kind heart. She selflessly thought of others first.

 _She’s way out of your league._ Alison grumbled to herself.

What would a girl like Emily Fields ever want with a conniving shrew like her?

“I’ve never met anyone who sees the world the way you do,” Alison stated.

She was so goddamn special. She saw things with her heart, and not just because she was forced to. She had taken something terrible and turned it into something beautiful.

“I’m no different than anyone else.” Emily played it off modestly. “We’re all sensual beings. In life it’s not about what you see. It’s about what you feel.” She paused thoughtfully. Alison wanted to know what was going on in her head. “Everything in life always boils down to how you _feel_. Take art for instance. It speaks to people in different ways because we all feel differently about what is on the canvas. Human beings are no different. We’re all just pieces of artwork waiting to strike a chord with the right people.”

Emily had struck more than a chord in Alison. She’d struck the whole damn instrument. The whole fucking band.

“People could really learn a lot from your perspective.” Alison smiled softly. Before she could stop herself she was reaching up to tuck a lock of Emily’s hair behind her ear. She pulled back when she realized just how intimate it was. She didn’t want to freak her out. “Sorry, I should have asked. It was just bugging me.” She wanted to see her face.

Emily just shrugged. She felt Alison’s hand drop down away from her face.

“You’re very different than your reputation would have me believe.” Emily smiled.

Alison knew exactly what her reputation entailed. And the fact that Emily even knew a sliver of it should have sent the brunette running the other way, yet here she was.

“You can’t believe everything you hear,” Alison said, a cheeky inflection in her tone.

“So you _didn’t_ give a tongue lashing to a teacher in class and send him home in tears?”

“No, that happened.” Alison owned it. “Two years ago. And the guy was a total creep. He had it coming. He would pop off in class and make fun of students who got answers wrong. I got a problem wrong one day on purpose just so I could clapback.” Then she’d dug her nails in and left marks, as she often did. She knew how to hone in on people’s weakest spots. “I’m not as terrible as I seem.” She promised.

“I’m beginning to see that.”

“So, what about you?” Alison asked.

“What _about_ me?” Emily smirked. She knew what Alison was getting at. The blonde didn’t know anything about her, and it was driving her crazy.

“Who _are_ you, Emily Fields?” What made her tic? What made her so irresistible? So easy to fall in love with?

“What you see is what you get.”

Alison liked what she saw. She liked it a lot. They talked a few more minutes until the bell rang. The hallways started to fill up with students. They could hear people shuffling by to get to their next class. That didn’t stop them from chatting. It was only when they heard a rapping at the door that they finally realized that their time was up.

“Em?” A voice came from the doorway.

Alison’s neck snapped to the side when she heard him. She whipped around and locked eyes with Toby Cavanaugh.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Toby continued, his eyes burning a hole through Alison’s head.

He stared at Alison with a stone-cold expression on his face. It was a look that told her that he didn’t appreciate her cozying up to his cousin. Spencer was right. He was scary protective, though from his standpoint Alison could see why. Emily was special in the most wonderful way. Any person would be a fool to not look out for her, though Alison had learned she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

“Be there in a sec, Toby.” Emily replied, reaching out for her sunglasses. Alison put them in her hand.

Toby shuffled away. Emily stood up. Ace stood with her. Emily felt a shift in the atmosphere. She’d heard a change in Alison’s breathing.

“He’s not as scary as he seems.” Emily smiled, gathering her things. “My parents just asked him to look out for me and he took it to heart.”

“Right.” Alison nodded. “Of course.” _And also, he fucking hates my guts, so there’s that._

“This was fun.” Emily ran her fingers against the edge of the desk.

Alison noticed her stance. Was she _nervous_? Maybe she wasn’t as cool with her feelings as she pretended to be.

“Thank you for the bracelet,” she said. “And the mousse.”

“Yeah. Any time.” _Would have tasted better if I was licking it off of your body._ Alison bit her tongue. “Maybe we can do it again.”

“Sure. I’d like that.”

The warning bell rang and they shuffled towards the door.

“Maybe I’ll see you at the game this weekend?” Alison asked.

“I’ll cheer from the sidelines really loud and embarrass you.” Emily turned around and gave her a smile.

They said their goodbyes and then Emily disappeared into a sea of students. They all gave her a wide berth, staring not at the blind girl, but at her dog. A lot of the kids were still marveled by seeing the dog in school. Alison watched her walk away. Toby was waiting near the water fountain for her. He waited on her as she refilled her water bottle. He glanced at the clock and said something to her, probably about how they were going to be late to class. She heard Emily tell him to chill out, seemingly not worried about being late.

 _Good for you. He’s not the boss of you._ Alison nodded.

She saw Emily hand Toby her water and reach down and pull something out of her pocket. A vial of eye drops. Alison swallowed hard as she watched Emily pull her sunglasses down and hand them to Toby. She tipped her head back, two fingers sliding against either side of her left eye socket. She put the drops in one eye. Then the other. Then she put the drops away and pulled out a pill container. Alison sighed. _She_ was the reason Emily had to take those meds. What would Emily think of her if she found out?

Toby said something to her and handed her back her water bottle. The hallway started to become congested and Alison started to lose sight of her. By the time the students cleared Toby and Emily were walking away. Toby glanced back, trying to see if Alison was still staring at his cousin. He didn’t see her.

“I grabbed the charger for your pocket recorder. Last thing you need is for the battery to die when Mr. Morris is going over the formulas in Trig,” Toby said.

“Thanks,” she replied.

“Your first day seems to be going well,” he said.

“Yeah.”

She was oddly quiet and he didn’t like it. He noticed the bracelet on her wrist.

“What were you doing with Alison DiLaurentis?” he questioned curiously.

“We were just talking.” She shied away with a smile. Her cheeks reddened.

“Looked like more than just talking.” He’d seen the way that Alison was looking at her.

Emily could tell from his tone that he didn’t approve.

“Toby, please don’t give me any shit for this. I know you think she’s a bitch,” Emily said with a sigh. He’d had a thing about Alison ever since Alison’s brother Jason and his step-sister Jenna had had a rough break up. “But she’s actually really kind of nice when you get to know her.”

“It’s not a good idea.” He frowned. “Especially not after Baltimore.”

She immediately stiffened.

“I’m blind. I’m not stupid.” Her tone was verging on icy.

“Look, I love you. And far be it from me to judge…” He drifted off. Actually, that’s exactly what he was doing. “Just…be careful, Em. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Relax. It’ll be fine. I can take care of myself.”

She always had, too. Even the night of the explosion in the garage. That day was such a fog in her mind. She didn’t remember much of anything. She’d been with Toby sorting through boxes one minute and then fiery eruptions were going off the next.

Toby had been torn on whether to help Jenna or Emily first. He could barely see through all of the smoke. Emily thought Jenna needed him more. The older girl had been in the worst shape. She was unconscious and bleeding from her right ear. Emily had told him to get Jenna out.

He had, and when he’d gotten her to safety he’d run to go back in for Emily, but by that time the entire garage had been engulfed in flames. He’d completely panicked, but then he’d seen movement by the side of the house. Emily had found her way out through a window and had collapsed on the ground outside, passing out. He’d gotten her away just as the garage exploded.

“Yeah, yeah. You’ve been saying that since birth.” He rolled his eyes.

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me.” Emily frowned.

“God, how do you _always_ know?” Toby shook his head with a laugh.

“I can hear it in your tone.” She shrugged.

“I need to take you to Vegas one day. We’d clean up in poker.” He walked into their next class.

Emily turned back before she followed Toby into the classroom. She could still feel Alison’s presence lingering. She could still feel the girl’s fingers ghosting over her cheekbones. She could hear her laugh. She could smell her perfume. She was all around her, gripping a part of her that Emily was all too glad to let her have.

Life was strange sometimes. She had set out with a plan in mind when she came back to town, but things were happening faster than she could grasp them. And something had happened that was changing everything. She _liked_ her. She actually liked Alison DiLaurentis.


	5. Through the Looking Glass

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

**Through the Looking Glass**

“I can’t _believe_ you dragged me to this.” Hanna sulked behind Emily, pouting as they trudged towards the stands overlooking the school’s perfectly manicured lawn.

“It was my weekend to choose our activity.” Emily’s cane tapped softly against the ground a few feet next to Ace.

Ever since they were kids Emily and Hanna had always spent their weekends getting together doing at least one thing together. It was their way of staying in touch. Even when Emily had moved away they made sure to call one another at least twice a week to check in. Sometimes it worked out that they got to visit each other for a weekend or longer, too.

They stopped at the bleachers. Emily felt around with her cane to find the first row. Ace sat down at the edge. He glanced up at Hanna as if he was telling her to sit down. Hanna’s lip turned up in a grimace, though not directed at the dog.

“Yeah, but _sports_? You know I don’t do sports.” Hanna barely had it in her to cheer her friend Lucas on in his robotics club. “That’s like lower on the totem pole than school plays and debate team.”

Emily sat her bag down and pulled out a baggie of fresh popcorn. She rolled the top open.

“Hey, you didn’t hear me complaining when you forced me to go to that stupid boyband concert.” Emily shrugged, popping a kernel of popcorn in her mouth.

The smooth buttery flavor was to die for. And it was all hers, because Hanna wouldn’t dare dream of eating the carbs, not when Halloween was just a few weeks away and she had her sexy costume all picked out.

“Since when are you in to field hockey anyway?” Hanna groaned, staring at the faded aluminum seating. There were probably _bugs_ all over the place and gum stuck underneath them. She looked a few rows up and saw what looked like a used condom. “Gross,” she muttered.

“Stop moping, Marin. I invited Caleb, too. He’s on his way, so you two are welcome to keep each other occupied.”

“Aw, you _do_ know what I like.” Hanna laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. Just try to keep the groping and the tonguing to a minimum. I can hear your lips smacking together when you make out right next to me.”

“We have never…”

“Two days ago at the mall while we were waiting on Mona to bring her car around. You moan louder than you think you do.”

“Right.” Hanna nodded. “We’ll suck face quietly.” She sat down next to Emily. She spotted the new accessory on Emily’s wrist. “Where’d you get the bracelet?”

Emily was surprised Hanna hadn’t called attention to it before now. She hadn’t taken it off since Alison gave it to her.

“Got it with a French meal the other day.” She didn’t elaborate. “Popcorn?” Emily pushed the small bag over to her to try and distract her.

“Ew, no. All that butter? It’ll go straight to my thighs.”

Emily laughed. She knew what Hanna liked and _didn’t_ like indeed. A few minutes later Hanna’s boyfriend, Caleb Rivers walked towards them. His wavy dark brown hair fell over his face framing it perfectly. Hanna smiled at him. She always felt dopey in love with him around.

Emily really liked Caleb. He’d been good to Hanna since they’d started dating two years ago. Hanna couldn’t shut up about how smart and chivalrous he was, which was usually the case when girls fawned over their lovers. But in Caleb’s case, Hanna wasn’t exaggerating. He was wickedly intelligent and he really was a decent guy.

He sat down to join them. He handed Hanna a smoothie and she squealed in delight. It didn’t take much to make her happy. Emily heard Hanna sucking on the straw.

“Did you put the sedatives in like we discussed?” Emily jokingly asked Caleb.

“Yes. Expect a complaint-free game.” Caleb nodded.

“Hilarious. You two are a riot.” Hanna rolled her eyes.

Caleb and Emily both chuckled.

“How you doing, Em?” Caleb asked.

“Can’t complain.” She really couldn’t. It wasn’t in her nature. She’d learned a long time ago that complaining didn’t change her situation.

They chatted for a few minutes as the stands filled up. The game started soon after they arrived. Emily listened to the commentary and the cheers of the crowd. She could picture the game in her mind, and the star player was a gorgeous blonde with a heart-shaped face, milky white skin, and short firm legs to die for.

Alison hadn’t missed her presence. Having Emily there could have made her lose her focus, but instead it drove her to play better than she’d ever played before. Emily made her better simply by _being_ there. She saw Spencer shoot her a smirk during the midst of the game. Alison shot her a look right back that told her to shut the hell up.

In the stands, Hanna was going back and forth between playing on her phone and making conversation with Emily and Caleb. Emily gave her credit for _trying_ to enjoy their outing, given she knew how much Hanna hated sports. Of course, she was willing to give her a pass because Emily was really only at the game for one reason.

Alison DiLaurentis.

Hanna didn’t know it yet, but Emily knew it would only be a matter of time before her best friend sniffed out her new crush. And she would not be happy.

The last two minutes of the game were insane. It even held Hanna’s attention, though part of that was because she knew the game was almost over. The score was tied and the ball kept bouncing between the two teams. With just ten seconds to go, Alison got control of the ball and she ended up scoring the winning point.

The crowd went nuts. The Rosewood players rejoiced, all gathering around Alison in delight. As the excitement died down the crowd started to disperse. Alison glanced at the other girls jogging back towards the school to change. But she was worried that she would miss Emily if she took off. So she walked over towards where Emily and her friends were seated.

“Why is Alison DiLaurentis coming over here?” Caleb questioned.

“We’re friends.” Emily replied simply. She felt her stomach doing somersaults. Alison had noticed her in the crowd.

“Since when does the Ice Queen have friends?” Hanna snorted. “I thought she just had mindless followers she beckoned to do her evil bidding.”

“See, that’s your problem, Han. You only see what’s on the outside.”

Before Hanna could quip back with a snotty retort she saw that Alison was closing in on them.

“This seems like kind of a girl thing, so I’m gonna go…” Caleb looked around, “…be anywhere else right now.”

Total dude move, though Emily didn’t blame him.

“Would you mind walking Ace?” Emily questioned.

“You know I’d adopt him if I could.” Caleb gladly grabbed the leash.

“Go on, Ace.” Emily assured him it was okay to go with Caleb.

“Have fun.” He looked at Alison and then smirked at Hanna.

“Coward.” Hanna uttered as he slunk behind the bleachers.

“Emily.” Alison smiled.

Hanna’s jaw dropped at the sincerity she saw on the blonde’s face. She wasn’t aware that Alison DiLaurentis _could_ smile. Her face was usually fixed in a complete apathetic expression or a snarky malicious grin. Hanna saw Alison’s eyes dart towards the bracelet on Emily’s wrist and the wheels in her head started to turn.

“You came.” Alison walked up next to the brunette.

Alison started to move closer to her, but then suddenly felt self-conscious. What if she was too sweaty and gross? What would Hanna think? Wait, why did she care what Hanna thought?

“I told you I would.” Emily replied. “Congrats on the win.”

“Thanks.” Alison smiled. She turned to Hanna, a little irritated at her presence. But she knew she was going to have to get used to her being around since she was Emily’s best friend. “You’re…Hanna, right?”

 _You know who the fuck I am. You made fun of my braces all throughout middle school you bitch._ Hanna thought to herself.

“Yeah.” She replied, biting her tongue for Emily’s sake. Who was she to come between her best friend and her new friend, even if that new friend was the spawn of Satan.

“Thanks for coming to support the team,” Alison said.

Hanna was there more to support Emily, not Alison, but she shrugged and flipped her hair with a smile and nodded.

“Of course. Go team go,” she said, though it was lacking heart, and dangerously close to sarcastic territory.

Alison could tell that Hanna was just indulging her. Hanna didn’t want to be there any more than Alison wanted her there. The two blondes stared at one another, both sensing that the other was not looking forward to competing for the brunette’s attention. Hanna seemed like the kind of friend who wanted her bestie all to herself…that she couldn’t share. And Alison didn’t _like_ to share. So it was bound to be an interesting ride.

“So, Em, any plans this weekend?” Alison instantly realized she’d unintentionally given Emily a nickname. _Em_? _Where did that come from? Oh, God what if she hates it?_

She saw Hanna looking at her through a furrowed brow, like _she_ owned that nickname, like Alison hadn’t earned it. Emily didn’t seem to mind at all.

“Mostly catching up on school work. I find I do better if I listen to the lectures more than once.”

“I find I do better if I write the answers on my hand.” Alison quipped.

Emily laughed.

“Somehow, I don’t think that strategy would work for me. But I’m sure your tattoos of the _Theory of Relativity_ are a work of art.”

“That’s not my only ink,” Alison said blatantly.

“Of course she’s got a tramp stamp,” Hanna uttered under her breath.

Alison hadn’t heard what she’d said because of the surrounding crowd, but Emily’s ears had been tuned into Hanna’s voice since they were kids, so she caught it. She elbowed Hanna in disapproval.

 _Freaky sonar hearing._ Hanna thought to herself. At least Emily couldn’t hear her thoughts.

“The _pristine_ DiLaurentis family allowed their golden child to err on the wild side?” Emily lifted her brows like she didn’t quite believe her. Alison did have a penchant for lying.

“They couldn’t stop what they didn’t know about.” Alison shrugged. “Plus I wasn’t idiotic enough to get it anywhere visible…”

She paused and then glanced at Hanna, who was glaring daggers at her. What the fuck was her problem? Alison sneered back, keeping her eyes locked on Hanna, but addressing Emily,

“I’ll tell you all about it sometime.”

“You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” Emily suggested.

Hanna watched the conversation like it was the most ludicrous thing she’d ever seen, like she’d hit her head and was hallucinating.

“Emily Fields, are you suggesting that you’re secretly a little rebel?” Alison asked.

Every little new thing she learned about the girl made her even more desirable.

“No, my parents actually know about it,” Emily replied.

_Still hot._

“There’s a story behind it.” Emily admitted.

“I’d love to hear it.”

She wanted to do more than just hear about the tattoo. She wanted to _see_ it, to _touch_ it, to _kiss_ it. But hearing about it was a start. She found she’d really loved talking to Emily. She would listen to her recite the dictionary and enjoy every word. Unfortunately, the voice that she heard next was not Emily’s.

“Yo! DiLaurentis!” A noisy voice bellowed over the crowd.

While Hanna silently celebrated the interruption, Alison grumbled under her breath. She regretted the day she’d chosen Noel Kahn to be one of her underlings.

“Wicked game, girl.” He jogged up behind her. He saw Hanna and Emily and smiled and faced Alison. “You going to introduce me to your new friends?”

Hanna scoffed at the word ‘friends’. She felt Emily nudge her in disapproval _again_.

“Don’t act like you don’t know me, Noel. We’ve had classes together since sixth grade.” Hanna rolled her eyes.

He squinted and turned his head like it might help him recognize her. Then he did what looked like a drunken headbob and pretended like a lightbulb had gone off in his head. Alison didn’t appreciate it. Like he had anything in his head but air? It was so dark in that boy’s mind that not even floodlights set on their brightest setting could help.

“No way. You were with Secular Sean for a year in middle school, right?” He snapped his fingers as he tried to recall Hanna’s name. “Um…Brace-face?” Noel hadn’t recognized her transformation from middle school dork to high school knockout.

“I actually go by the name Hanna,” she said stiffly. “Hanna Marin.” She flipped her hair effortlessly, subconsciously telling him, _“Yeah, I’m hot. And you don’t have a shot in hell with me.”_

Alison took note of Hanna’s hatred for Noel. They had _that_ in common. Maybe Emily’s best friend wasn’t a _complete_ bimbo.

“Hey, no hard feelings, Marin.” Noel smiled. “Everyone has a nickname they hate in middle school.”

“What was yours?” Emily tried to keep it light.

“Oh,” he said, caught off-guard by the question. “I guess Kahn-man. Lame play of my last name if you ask me. Always hated it. It was so stupid.”

“Yes, that must have been _so_ hard to live with.” Hanna snorted. She coughed “conceited” under her breath, which earned another _‘what the fuck, Hanna?’_ nudge from Emily.

“What about you, sunglasses?” Noel addressed Emily. “What’s your story?”

Alison immediately puffed up, because how dare Noel talk to _her_ girl? How dare he even look at her? Was he checking her out? He was definitely checking her out. Alison wanted to backhand him. Hadn’t she told him and Ben to leave Emily alone?

 _I am going to put Nair in his shampoo bottle. Make the fucker look like his neck blew an ugly bubble._ Alison decided. Maybe balding him would knock him down a peg or two.

Before Emily could say anything, another person walked over to join the party.

“Emily Fields,” he said.

Alison whipped her head around to glare at Ben. What the fuck was going on here? He _knew_ her? Had he gone off and researched her after Alison told the boys that Emily was not some toy for them to fight over? She was going to kill Ben. Forget the laxatives in his sports drink. She was going to inject cyanide directly into his fucking veins.

Emily felt her body stiffen when she heard his voice. Her blood ran cold. He’d always given her the creeps.

“Ben Coogan.” Emily would recognize his voice anywhere.

He also had a distinct scent. In elementary school he’d always smelled like Funyuns and dirt. In middle school, though she’d only been enrolled for a very short period of time before she moved halfway into sixth grade, it was Funyuns and sweat.

Now it was Funyuns and beer. He’d always been so greasy. He would hit on her relentlessly, even though she would shoot down his advances. The last time they’d seen one another he’d pushed her up against a wall and tried to kiss her and she’d kneed him in the balls.

“You know, I thought there was something familiar about you when I saw you in the cafeteria the other day. I just didn’t recognize the new ensemble,” he said motioning to her glasses and cane, like she could see it. She felt the motion of his hand and cringed. “Been a long time.”

 _Not long enough._ Emily thought to herself.

Alison watched the exchange curiously. Emily’s body language told her that she was uncomfortable. But why? What kind of history did she have with Ben? And why did he make her feel afraid? She made a mental note to throw a hockey puck at his head later. Or slam his dick in a locker.

These boys were making her so fucking irate today.

“You two know each other?” Noel asked.

“We go way back to the monkey bars in second grade, don’t we, Em?”

Emily flinched hearing him call her that. She didn’t like being formal with him at all. Alison noticed Emily’s discomfort. It made her angry. She immediately started thinking of ways she could destroy him, or at least his reputation.

_Ben Coogan sleeps with a teddy bear._

No. Too easy.

_Ben Coogan is afraid of the dark._

No. Too easily disproved.

_Ben Coogan still wets the bed._

Or she could go nuclear and leak the video of him getting a hard-on in the middle of Biology in tenth grade. He’d be the laughingstock of the entire town if that got out. Alison had been holding on to it in case he ever got out of line.

“So…um…” Ben glanced at her, giving her a once-over that Alison wanted to smack him for. His eyes lingered on her chest a little too long. “You’ve changed.”

The look on Emily’s face clearly said _‘no shit_. _’_

“My eyes are up here.” Emily broke the tension, remembering what a fondness Ben had for drooling over women like a Neanderthal.

“Yeah, but they’re not looking back at me. What’s up with that?”

Alison was fuming. She couldn’t believe Ben was being so cavalier about it. He didn’t deserve to be in her presence, much less talk to her. He didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as Emily Fields.

“Oh, you know how life goes. You can see one minute and then you can’t the next.” Emily wasn’t fazed. “Guess I _lost sight_ of life somewhere along the way.”

Alison smirked at Ben, thinking _“Yep, she’s that quick.”_

“She probably went blind from looking at your ugly mug.” Noel shoved Ben with a snort.

Alison glanced at Noel. Maybe he wasn’t completely useless after all.

“Whatever.” Ben muttered.

“Alison!” Spencer called from across the field.

Alison grumbled. There were too many people in the world. The world needed a new plague to cut down the population some so she could have a few minutes _alone_ with Emily.

“I should…I’ve got to go shower and get changed. The team is going out to dinner to celebrate.” Alison wanted to invite her, but it was only for the players, because the school was footing the bill. “I’ll call you later?”

“Cool.” Emily nodded.

Hanna watched her walk away, the boys following her like dogs waiting for her to give them just one little scrap. When Hanna turned back to face Emily she saw a smile on the brunette’s face. Her cheeks were flushed. Her fingers were tracing the bracelet on her wrist.

“ _You show me yours and I’ll show you mine_? What the _hell_ was that?” Hanna gawked.

“What?” Emily asked, shrugging it off.

Hanna stared at Emily, carefully reading her face. She saw Emily’s lips twitch slightly, trying to hold back a smile.

“No,” Hanna said.

“Hanna, hear me out…”

“No way.” She interrupted her. “Are you insane? It’s _Alison DiLaurentis._ You can’t let her put you under her witchy little spell.”

“You make her sound like _Sabrina the Teenage Bitch_.” Emily snorted.

“Well, if the high heel fits the cloven hoof…” Hanna shrugged. “You’ve lost your mind. What about Baltimore? If you two get close she’s going to find out. Do you plan on telling her…”

“Please _don’t_. Don’t ruin this for me.” Emily cut her off, her voice straining.

She knew exactly what Hanna was going to say. And she knew it wasn’t right to get involved with Alison given what she was hiding, but she’d found her too intriguing to ignore.

She heard Hanna mumble angrily under her breath. She knew Hanna was only trying to look out for her, but she wasn’t in any mood to hear her bitching right now. She was still riding high on Alison’s lingering scent.

Alison was doing the same. She had to fight the urge to look back over her shoulder across the field, though Emily wouldn’t know one way or another unless Hanna blabbed to her.

“You know, I’ve heard frequent masturbation can cause blindness,” Ben stated.

“If that were true the entire starting lineup would be running around like Ray Charles.” Noel scoffed. “That’s just something adults tell teenagers to scare them into loving Jesus or whatever.”

“I’m just saying, maybe Emily is a kinky little minx…”

“Shut the fuck up, Ben.” Alison finally lost her cool. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that. No one gives a shit about your moronic sexist views.”

She was so angry she snorted through her nose like a bull getting ready to gore someone, and Ben had a big fucking target on him. She glared at him, the pupils of her eyes blown in anger.

_And while we’re on the subject, what the fuck did you to do her to make her so uncomfortable? Why did she look afraid of you? Did you hurt her? I’ll kill you. I’ll kill your whole family._

“Whoa, damn Alison.” Noel seemed taken aback by her overreaction. “Are you in to her or something?”

Alison felt her face get hot. She kept her gaze fixed in front of her, looking down and trying to avert the boys’ eyes.

“No. Just leave her alone, okay?” Alison snapped. “She’s new.”

“Since when are you soft on newbies? Prudence Finn’s first week here you started a rumor she’d had a boob job.” Noel pointed out. He glanced at Ben with a smirk on his face. “Totally true, by the way.” He cupped his chest with his hands like he was groping a pair of breasts and stuck his tongue out in a lewd manner.

“Emily Fields is _off limits_.” Alison spun around and sneered at the guys. “Do you understand me?”

“Why? Because she’s blind?” Noel tested her. Alison didn’t like it. He usually cowered down like a good little puppy. Since when did he have balls? “You and Jenna Marshall used to go at each other like two screeching cats. And she was blind _and_ deaf.”

“ _Partially_.” Alison corrected him. “She could still see and hear.” He’d hit a nerve without realizing it, considering she was the one responsible for what happened to Jenna…and Emily.

“Spencer’s right. You’re acting like a real spaz lately.” Noel gave her a strange look.

Alison picked up her pace and stormed away from them in a huff. She disappeared into the girl’s locker room before Noel and Ben could interrogate her or annoy her anymore. She ran past all the other girls congratulating her for a good game and went straight to the showers. She wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

She didn’t understand what was happening to her. It wasn’t the fact that she was into a girl. She’d been with Cece and Sara and a couple of others whose names she didn’t bother to remember. What bothered her was the fact that she was feeling things she’d never felt before, with a boy _or_ a girl. _Feelings_. Actual feelings.

She threw her clothes off to the side and stepped into the last boxed off shower stall. A waft of chlorine and bleach hit her nose, mixing with the scent of the sweat in the air. She quickly turned the handle. She let the hot water run over her head and trickle down her body. She rubbed her face and groaned.

Her hormones were raging. She was high off of the team’s win. She was pissed off at Ben and Noel. She was mad at herself for what she’d done to Emily, and everyone else she’d hurt with her antics. The guilt sucked. The anger sucked. She couldn’t even enjoy her winner’s high. The only thing she could think about was Emily Fields and how the girl made her feel.

She lathered her entire body with her vanilla scented soap. As she ran her hands across her body she thought about the brunette’s strange pull, the invisible gravitational force that she felt every time she was near her. She thought about the kindness she had seen in her eyes, her alluring cocoa colored eyes. She pictured her tight muscles and her smooth silky skin. She _longed_ to have that skin pressed against hers.

She imagined Emily’s delicate fingers tracing patterns down her chest and all along her abdomen. As her hands ventured lower she realized her soapy fingers had been lingering between her thighs for longer than she’d meant for them to. She moved her fingertips in between her legs, unsurprised to find that the thoughts of Emily had gotten more than just her brain aroused.

She thought about Emily touching her and when she put her fingers against herself she was sensitive to the touch. She closed her eyes and imagined Emily as she moved her pelvis against her fingertips. She heaved out a pleased sigh as she imagined Emily’s breasts pressed up against her back, her heated breath against her neck. She could picture her long toned arms wrapped around her front, her fingers guiding Alison against herself. She could picture Emily placing soft kisses against her neck, her lips like feathers against her skin. Alison’s fingers started moving at a quicker pace. She kept moving until her hips started bucking in short little bursts against her fingertips. She started rolling her index finger in a circular motion and bit the inside of her cheek.

She heard a distant locker door slam from the next room over and she suddenly snapped out of it.

_Jesus. What the fuck am I doing? In a public shower stall, Alison? Are you out of your mind?_

She had never been shy. She’d made out with Cece in this very shower block, though looking back on it Alison felt gross about it. God knows what kind of fungus they could have picked up. But when the mood struck, it struck. She was a highly sexual being, though it didn’t always mean sex. Most of the time she just needed to make out with someone or dry hump them to get her rocks off.

But this felt different. With Cece it had been purely lust-driven. Emily wasn’t even with her and she felt content. Warm. Safe. It was strange.

“Alison?” She heard her cousin’s voice.

 _Oh, shit_. Had Spencer been in here the whole time? Had she been making noises? Huffing? Moaning? Jesus, had she subconsciously called out Emily’s name? Had Spencer heard her?

“Are you coming?” Spencer called.

“What?” Alison almost slipped in the soap on the shower floor.

_No, but almost._

“Are you almost done with your shower?” Spencer questioned. “Most of the team has already left to go to the restaurant.”

_Right. Duh. Mind out of the gutter, DiLaurentis._

“Yeah, I’m finishing up.” Alison replied casually.

She heard Spencer walk out, the door closing behind her. She pulled her hand away from her most delicate area, still feeling a tingling sensation, her body and her mind both pissed that she hadn’t finished, but even more upset that Emily wasn’t in here with her finishing her off. She pushed her forehead against the shower tile and sighed.

“What are you doing to me, Emily Fields?” She uttered under her breath.

She turned around until she felt the warm water pounding against her back, but it didn’t dull the longing ache she felt in her heart and…elsewhere. She threw her head back and let the stream of hot water wash away the soap, then she turned the handle to lower the temperature so she could cool her body down.

She quickly finished her shower and then dried off. She had her make-up on in record time. She certainly couldn’t go out to a party with a naked face, especially not one where she’d be the guest of honor because of her final play.

But the entire time she was out with her team she kept glancing at her phone, hoping to see a text from Emily.

She didn’t know that Emily was hoping for the exact same thing. Just as Alison was being seated with her teammates at _Rive Gauche_ , Emily was sitting down with Hanna outside the school at one of the picnic areas on the quad. The school usually had tailgaters at their sports events, so they were sitting down for an after-game dinner while Caleb and his friend Lucas worked on some new computer program in the lab inside. Their friend Aria had joined them for dinner.

Ace was lying at Emily’s feet, the Retriever occasionally lifting his head to make sure she didn’t need anything.

“They forgot the dressing, _again_.” Hanna grumbled, glancing at her chicken salad she’d gotten at the taco stand. “I only asked for it about twelve times.” She stood up. “You guys need anything? I’m going to go yell at the apathetic pimply twelve year old who took my order.”

“Don’t yell.” Aria scolded her. “It’s not nice.”

“Being nice only gets you stomped on quicker than a palmetto bug in the springtime.”

“What does that even mean?” Aria cocked her head in confusion, her dark cropped hair falling into her face.

“It means I’m getting my damn salad dressing and a voucher for a free meal.”

“A palmetto bug in the springtime? Where did you even come up with that?” Emily laughed.

“My Grandma.” Hanna grinned. She loved her Grandmother. She was full of ridiculous hilarious sayings that always made Hanna smile.

That didn’t surprise Emily. She loved Hanna’s Grandmother, too. She was fun, sassy, and full of wisdom. She’d spent some summers with Hanna and her Grandmother when they were younger and she always learned something new.

“Aria’s right, Han. Don’t be a bitch. Maybe try not to anger the people who prepare your food. Unless you _like_ eating wads of spit and hidden body hairs.” Emily suggested.

“Hmm…solid point.” Hanna walked over to the taco stand.

“She’s a little crabby.” Aria pointed out.

“It’s my fault for making sure she didn’t get her nap in today before we came to the game. I should have known too much stimuli would overexert her. She’s overtired.” Emily sighed like she was an exhausted mom.

“I can still hear you, you know.” Hanna spun around.

“So _so_ cranky.” Emily continued to tease.

“I’m like…ten feet away from you.”

Emily and Aria laughed. Aria reached into her bag.

“Em, I almost forgot. I had a study session with my Chem Lab partner and I recorded the notes for you. I thought since we’re doing the same unit they might be helpful.”

Aria slipped the tape recorder on to the table. Emily heard her put it down and she reached for it, feeling around for a second before she found it.

“Thanks.” She put the tape recorder into her bag. “How is Ezra’s first semester going?” Emily asked, reaching out for her sandwich.

Aria had been a little mopey because her long-time steady boyfriend had graduated and was off to his first year of college. He was at a local university, but the way Aria pined over not getting to see him at school every day made it seem like he was on a different coast…on a different continent…on an entirely different planet. Like they were two lovers separated in the midst of a war. He was literally half an hour away sitting in an uncomfortable chair trying to take notes on a desk that was way too tiny to fit his notebook.

“Well, I had some concerns that I might lose him to the hackey-sack Rastafarian bros that smell like weed and basically live in the quad…or that he’d rebel and join the ultimate frisbee frat boys, but it turns out that he doesn’t have a sporty bone in his body.”

“I meant his classes, but okay.” Emily went with it with a shrug.

“Oh, he says they’re okay. They’re apparently a lot more work than high school. I think he’s going to change his Major to existential breakdowns.”

“He’s a writer. Can’t he just BS his way through it?”

“Can’t exactly fake Algebraic equations and General Chemistry.” She drifted off in thought, placing the edge of her thumbnail in between her teeth and bit down. “He actually looks pretty hot in safety goggles and a smock though. He sent me a picture of it yesterday.” She smiled. “He’s got a really sexy young Bruce Banner thing going on. I just hope the sorority girls aren’t flocking to him.”

“Yes, because dark brooding artists are such a rarity in college.” Emily chuckled.

Aria laughed and slapped her arm.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. He loves you, Aria.”

They’d been together since Aria was in eighth grade and Ezra was in ninth.

“I know, but it still rattles my nerves. I hear all these horror stories about how high school relationships never last. And it just…it feels different without him here,” she sighed. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with confusing relationship drama.” Seconds after Aria said it she cringed. Relationships were a soft spot for Emily. “I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Emily put her sandwich down, trying not to dwell on her past heartbreaks. Something new had been sparked in her heart. And it was the first thing that had overshadowed her pain in a long time. “Hey, you’re friends with Ali, right?”

“ _Ali_? As in Alison DiLaurentis?” Aria asked. No one ever called her _Ali_. Lucas had called her ‘Ali’ once and she’d blown her top.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded.

“I mean, friends by association, I guess.” Aria nodded. “She’s closer to Spencer. I don’t think she likes me very much. But then again, she doesn’t really associate with people who aren’t royalty status. This lowly peasant is just lucky she doesn’t throw me into the dungeon to be dragon food.”

“You’re not a peasant, Aria.” Emily slid her hand over until she found Aria’s hand.

“Thanks.” Aria gently squeezed her fingers.

“If anything you could be a highly regarded wench.”

“Oh, ha ha. Very funny. You trying out for Court Jester?”

“I want to wear the funny looking hat just so I can go, ‘Christ, I’m blind and even _I_ can see this thing on my head is LOUD!’“ She mimicked having a large burly top-hat on her head.

Aria giggled.

“So, why are you asking about Alison?” Aria’s curiosity was piqued.

“We’ve just been talking.” Emily couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the mention of the blonde.

“I know that look.” Aria gasped. “Emily Fields, are you in to her?”

“I just think she’s…” Emily searched for the right word, “ _unique_. Do you know anything about what she likes?”

“Yeah, the tears of nerds and the insecurities of the entire high school population.”

“Oh, come on. She’s not _that_ bad. You hang out with her.”

“Only because I like hanging out with Spencer. But Alison? She’s…” She stopped talking and then frowned. “God, you _do_ have a thing for her, don’t you?”

“I do _not_ have a thing for her.” Emily balked, protesting way too much, letting Aria know that she was most definitely lying.

“She totally has a thing for her.” Hanna sat down next to Aria.

“Don’t you have a food service worker you should be yelling at?” Emily grumbled at Hanna.

“I tried this hippie-dippie’s pacifist approach.” Hanna nudged Aria with a huge smile. “I got a voucher for a free meal _and_ a dessert on the house. I grabbed us some cinnamon churros.”

It was no chocolate caramel mousse, but Emily wasn’t going to turn it down. Hanna sat a churro down next to Emily’s sandwich just as Aria reached to grab hers from the basket. She took a tiny bite and smiled.

“Thanks, Han,” Aria said.

“Em, you like churros, right?” Hanna asked.

“I dunno. Am I _allowed_ to like churros?” Emily muttered.

Hanna frowned and shook her head. She loved her best friend, but she could certainly become cutthroat when she was pissed.

“Hey, don’t bite our heads off just because the girl you have heart eyes for is a total…”

“Hanna,” Aria said in a scolding manner. She was ever the peacemaker. She put her hand on Emily’s arm. “Of course you’re allowed to like whoever you want. We’re just worried about what could happen if you got involved with Alison. Especially given…” She tiptoed around what she wanted to say. Emily was still sensitive about it, “…well, you know.”

“I can’t sit around and wallow forever. And Alison…she’s not what you think.” Emily tried to go to bat for Alison.

“Emily,” Aria said softly. It was a tone she often used before she was about to give someone bad news or tell someone something she knew they didn’t want to hear. It was a very teacher-like thing to do. She’d gotten it from her mother. “Have you really thought this through?”

“I already gave her the speech.” Hanna squeezed her hard earned salad dressing on to her dinner. “I’m pretty sure Toby has, too.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Emily questioned in surprise.

“He was pissy in Computer Science yesterday. He snapped at Caleb over some code glitch. And he _never_ snaps at Caleb. Those two are like _bros_ bros in that class. And when Caleb asked him what his problem was Toby kept glaring across the room. Caleb thought he had some beef with Noel or something, but Alison was sitting with Noel. Now I know he was glaring at her.”

“Maybe he _was_ glaring at Noel. You don’t know.” Emily tried to play it off.

“Oh, please. It’s totally obvious. The only time he ever gets this way is when he’s getting all territorial guard dog over you or Jenna. And Jenna’s gone and Noel isn’t exactly your type, so…” Hanna tapped her head. “I’m not stupid. I know how to put two and two together.”

“Not without a calculator.” Emily mumbled. “Is there anyone in my life who talks _to_ me instead of _about_ me?”

“We _try_ to talk to you, but you just ignore us. You’d think you were deaf instead of blind.” Hanna took a bite of her salad.

“Nice, Han.” Emily snapped back.

“What? I’m just being real. When you get in your head about things like this you seriously don’t listen to anything we say.”

“Yeah. We’re just looking out for you.” Aria added.

Her friends were right to be concerned. But Emily didn’t care. Ever since Alison had come into her life something inside of her had changed. Nothing else mattered to her anymore.

“I have enough protection in my life. I love you guys. I really do. But I’m going to need you to stop treating me like I’m made out of glass.”

“You know we didn’t mean anything by it, Em,” Aria sighed.

“Yeah, we just love you is all.” Hanna agreed.

“I love you guys, too.” Emily couldn’t help but smile at her friends. “Now can we please eat our dinner without you critiquing every aspect of my life?”

“Oh, we could talk about Aria’s latest fashion choices.” Hanna chuckled. “You should see what she’s wearing.”

“What? What’s wrong with that I’m wearing?”

“For starters your earrings look like forks. And this hemp chic ensemble makes you look like you just stepped out of a California weed dispensary.” Hanna motioned to Aria’s layered outfit, complete with a retro reggae looking jacket.

“You’re one to talk about fashion choices.” Aria scoffed jokingly. “Who wears a Versace dress and heels to a high school field hockey game?”

“I can’t say anything.” Emily smiled. “I consider it a win if I’m wearing matching socks.”

During her schooling on how to learn to live with being blind she had learned how to distinguish between different fabrics and patterns. And it helped that her anal-retentive mom did her laundry. She had a system where Emily could find anything and everything.

“Mismatched socks would still be better than Aria’s wardrobe.” Hanna teased.

“Don’t listen to her, Aria. She’s drunk on Mexican food.” Emily reached out next to her to find Aria’s hand. She planted her palm on top of Aria’s fingers and squeezed gently. “You have an awesome style.”

“Says the girl who can’t see.” Aria laughed.

“I don’t have to be able to see to know that you’re amazing and would look good in anything.”

“Aw, thanks, Em.”

“Get a room, you two.” Hanna scoffed.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” They heard chants from over their shoulders.

They glanced back and saw Noel, Ben, and two other boys drunkenly stumbling through the courtyard. Ben had a creepy gaze as his eyes lingered on Emily. He almost looked like a predator on the prowl. Even though Emily couldn’t see the look on his face, she felt a prickling sensation shoot down her spine. There was just a feeling in the air that she didn’t like. And she wasn’t the only one.

“On that note…” Hanna watched the drunken boys with a sneer on her face. “Do you guys want to take this meal to go? It looks like someone let the idiot brigade out of their cages.”

Aria and Emily were quick to agree. Neither one of them felt like dealing with the boys. Aria packed up their dinner while Emily and Hanna walked Ace, because there was no way in hell Hanna was letting her best friend wander off in the dark while there were drunken fools about…no matter how well Emily could take care of herself.

Then they all went to meet up with Caleb and Lucas in the computer lab. Both boys were startled to see them.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Caleb peered up from something on his screen.

“Why? Are you two looking at porn or something?” Hanna questioned jokingly.

“On a school computer, Hanna? Don’t be ridiculous. You know we’re smart enough to watch the really freaky stuff in someone’s basement somewhere.” Caleb quipped back. They both laughed. “What brings you to the wonderful world of coding?”

“Just wanted to watch you work, babe.”

“Bull.” Caleb laughed. “You zone out when I even _talk_ about programming.”

“Okay, we just wanted a safe spot to finish our dinner without being interrupted by the monkey boy jocks.”

“Was someone hassling you all?” Caleb prickled up, ready to throw a punch.

“Oh, just Noel Kahn and his buffoons. Don’t worry about it. We pretended to throw a tennis ball and ran off when they were looking for it.” Hanna shrugged.

“I hate those guys.” Lucas huffed out.

“Can we hang out here?” Emily questioned.

“Sure. Mi computer lab is su computer lab.” Lucas smiled.

“Isn’t it technically the school’s computer lab?” Aria asked.

“Semantics.” Lucas shrugged with a smile before he turned back to face the screen.

They stayed until the school security guard kicked them out. When they walked outside the quad was quiet and empty.

“Ah, idiot free. Just like I like it.” Hanna nodded.

“We still on for the movie tomorrow?” Caleb questioned.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Hanna leaned forward to give him a peck on the lips.

Caleb made sure that the girls made it to Hanna’s car safely before he walked across the parking lot to his car. Aria climbed in the front seat and Emily climbed in the back with Ace. The second Hanna found out Emily was moving back to town she’d bought a cover for the backseat of her car to minimize the dog hair and a harness and seat belt for Ace. Emily joked that she loved the dog more than her. Hanna didn’t disagree.

Hanna dropped Aria off first and then drove to Emily’s house. Hanna was uncharacteristically quiet. After a while, Emily leaned forward.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Emily questioned.

“I could ask you the same question.” Hanna glanced in the rearview mirror. “Straight up, no bullshit, how are you doing? Being back and all…”

“I’m fine.” Emily shrugged.

Something in her tone made Hanna skeptical.

“No flashes? No headaches?”

“It’s been two years. I’ve adjusted.”

“Yeah, and you’ve also gotten eerily good at lying. But I see right through you. After what happened…” She sighed. “I know it wasn’t easy for you in Atlanta. Houston was even worse. And Baltimore was a _complete_ disaster. I just want you to know that you can tell me if you’re having a hard time coping. You’ve been through a lot.”

“God, Han, you’re worse than my parents.” Emily laughed. “I really am okay.”

“Alright.” Hanna nodded. “It’s just my duty as your best friend to make sure of that.”

“Well, you’re doing a good job.” Too good of a job, actually.

“I know, right? I should get a raise.” Hanna beamed, holding her head high. She turned down Emily’s street. There was one more thing she needed to get off of her chest. “As your best friend I also feel like it’s my job to remind you of what you’re in for here. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’ve got everyone in your life who _knows_ Alison telling you that she’s not a good person…”

“She’s not who you think she is. She’s changed.” Emily interrupted her. She fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist.

From what Emily had heard about her, she never would have believed that Alison was capable of changing, but against all odds it seemed like she had. There was just something about her touch that left Emily breathless.

She had a way of reading a person’s soul. And with Alison she could feel her heart. She could feel what she was hiding inside. A kind gentleness that she never let anyone see. She wore a mask for the entire school, but with Emily she was completely true to herself.

Hanna sighed. Emily really liked Alison. It was something she wouldn’t have seen coming a mile away.

“I hope you’re right,” Hanna replied.

She really did hope so, for Emily’s sake. Because her best friend had been through a lot, and the last thing she needed in her life was heartbreak. And heartbreak was something that Alison DiLaurentis was known for.

“Just give her a chance, Han. Please? For me?”

Hanna hated it when Emily used her pleading puppy dog voice. She had never been able to say ‘no’ to it. It’s how she’d wound up watching _Night of the Living Dead_ when they were eight. She’d had nightmares about zombies for weeks. One night she’d woken up swinging a baseball bat at a pile of laundry on her dresser and then she’d nearly taken her mother’s head off with it when she’d come in to investigate what all the screaming was about.

“Okay. Fine.” Hanna relented. “If you like her, there must be something worthy about her deep in her little gremlin soul.”

“That doesn’t sound very supportive.”

“I like her fashion choices.” Hanna tried to say something nice. It was about the only redeeming thing she saw about Alison.

“Well, I guess that’s a start.” Emily laughed.

There was a quiet pause as Hanna mulled over a thought.

“Do you think she knows?” Hanna asked.

Emily rubbed her hand against the door frame.

“Not unless Jenna told Jason, and I doubt she did. Those two haven’t been on speaking terms since Jenna slutted it up behind Jason’s back.” Emily loved her cousin, but she also knew the girl was a psychopathic bitch. “The second she got her acceptance letter Jenna couldn’t peel out of town fast enough. I’m sure she took the last corner getting out of Rosewood on two wheels. Besides, it wasn’t Jenna’s secret to tell.” Something changed in her tone. Something Hanna didn’t like.

“You’re clearly in your head about this. Talk to me, Em.” Hanna pushed.

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“It’s just…” She sighed, her brow pinched in thought. She frowned. “She’ll look at me differently if she knows.”

Hanna didn’t think that was possible. She’d never seen Alison look at anyone the way she’d looked at Emily tonight.

“I don’t want her to think less of me,” Emily admitted.

That softened Hanna’s bitchy façade. There wasn’t much that could shake Emily these days, but her insecurities ate away at her sometimes and Hanna knew it.

“Hey, she won’t. No one will. You’re Emily Fields.” She poked her. “Annoyingly perfect in _every_ way. Like Rosewood’s own Mary fucking Poppins.” She said with a fake dramatic roll of her eyes.

“Yeah, right.” Emily laughed darkly. “It takes a lot more than a spoonful of sugar for me to swallow the shit in my life.”

“So, what are you going to do? It’s not like you’re going to be able to keep it a secret if you guys get together.”

“That’s _if_ we get together.” Emily sounded skeptical. “And even then I’m not sure…” She started picking at her cuticles.

Hanna saw the motion and reached over with one hand and batted at her fingers, stopping her from picking at her nail beds.

“Quit that. You _just_ got that manicure. I will not have my best friend ruining something I just paid for.”

Emily snickered. After a second her laughter died down. She sighed. Hanna didn’t like the look on her face.

“Have you thought about just telling her the truth?” Hanna questioned.

“What purpose would that serve?” Emily shrugged. “It won’t change anything.”

“You don’t have to be so diplomatic about everything.”

“I’ll take your complaint into account.” Emily smirked at her best friend.

“You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that?” Hanna huffed.

“Look, it’s not going to turn into anything serious.”

“Does _she_ know that? Because if she gets her claws into you it could really mess things up for you, and you know it.”

“Like Alison DiLaurentis is ever going to be _that_ in to me? It won’t get that far. She’ll probably just play with me until she gets bored and decides to move on to the next girl.”

It almost hurt Emily to say it. Deep down, she didn’t believe that. She was just telling Hanna what she wanted to hear. Deep down, Emily knew there was something there. And it was a little terrifying for her. Because she knew what she felt. But how could she be in love with someone she didn’t even know? How could she be in love with anyone after Maya?

“It’s just a little harmless flirting.” She topped off her lie.

Whether or not she’d fooled Hanna was anyone’s guess. But for Emily’s sake, and the sake of not wanting to get into a screaming match, Hanna decided to let it go.

“Well, I guess if I can’t talk you out of it…” She shook her head. “Do you want me to tell you what she looks like?” Hanna asked, pulling into Emily’s driveway.

“I know what she looks like.”

“You haven’t seen her since you were a kid.” Hanna put the car in park and unbuckled her seat belt.

“I can just…sense her, Hanna. I can’t explain it.” She could _feel_ her, every time they touched, every time they were together.

“Jesus Christ, this is going to end so badly.” Hanna snorted, reaching back to unhook Ace’s seat belt.

“You have all the subtlety of a hand grenade,” Emily said sarcastically.

“Thank you.” Hanna smiled, handing Emily Ace’s lead.

“Wasn’t a compliment.”

“You know you love me.”

“Goodnight, Hanna,” Emily said dryly, opening her door.

“Love you, too.”

Ace gently stepped over her and crawled out of the car, ready to lead her inside. Emily followed. Hanna watched to make sure she got inside before she drove away.

As Emily suspected, her mother was still up. Pam Fields always waited on her daughter to come home. She heard her shuffling on the couch.

“Hey, Emmy, how was the game?” She turned to face her. “Did you have fun with Hanna?”

“Yeah, we hung out with Aria, Caleb, and Lucas afterwards.”

“Your father says you’re making new friends, too.”

“Well, you know how all the kids flock to the dog.” Emily replied with a quick-witted smile. “Everyone wants me for the dog.”

“Yeah, well, they don’t have to deal with his constant shedding.” Pam laughed. Then she looked at Ace. “I’m just teasing, buddy.”

As if he completely understood…or cared what people thought about his hair.

Pam moved on the couch and looked up at her daughter.

“I’m watching reruns of _I Love Lucy_. You want to join?”

Emily had watched the show with her mom and grandmother so much when she was younger she knew all of the episodes by heart. She could still imagine them in her mind when she heard the dialogue. She listened for a second and could tell by the dialogue that it was the one where Lucy and Ethel got in over their heads at a chocolate factory and were shoving their faces with chocolate. The live studio audience was roaring in laughter.

Emily remembered watching it and laughing until she cried. She’d showed it to Hanna the next day and Hanna had almost peed her pants laughing. They’d laughed even harder at Lucy getting drunk off of a vitamin concoction that had alcohol called Vitameatavegamin. They laughed every time they watched it.

It had become a thing for them to watch together every time they hung out when they were kids. They had become inseparable when they were younger, just like Lucy and Ethel. And nothing had changed that. Not time. Not distance. Hanna would always be her best friend, and that’s why it was important to her for Hanna to give Alison a chance. She _cared_ what Hanna thought. They had been through thick and thin together.

“Em? I can make popcorn.” Pam drew Emily out of her thoughts.

“Uh, no thanks. I’m kind of tired. I think I’m just going to go to bed.”

Pam saw something more on her face, but she didn’t push it. She’d learned that when she pushed her, Emily just pulled further away.

“Alright. Sleep well, sweetheart.”

For the first time in a long time, she _did_ sleep well. She’d been plagued with bad dreams since she was little, and they’d gotten worse after she lost her sight. But that night she dreamed about Alison. It wasn’t uncommon for her to dream with her sight, but unlike her other dreams, when she was dreaming about Alison it was one of the most vivid things she’d ever experienced. It’s like the blonde was reaching out and touching her heart.

She dreamed that they were on top of the Eiffel Tower, hands laced together looking at the city of Paris. When she turned to face Alison she saw the most beautiful woman in the world. Her luscious golden locks swayed in the breeze. Her dazzling blue eyes sparkled. She reached up, just like she had done in the language lab at school, and tucked Emily’s hair behind her ear. Emily felt the breeze against her face as Alison leaned closer. Their lips met in a soft embrace. Emily didn’t know it, but she softly whispered Alison’s name in her sleep.


	6. Clarity

* * *

**Chapter 6:**

**Clarity**

Alison had been having dreams of her own about Emily, but they were getting increasingly more stressful. All she dreamed about was the night of July fourth. Two days before the big fireworks display that year she’d found out that Jenna had cheated on her big brother _and_ humiliated him by telling the guy she cheated on him with that Jason was a junkie who was flunking out of college.

Jason had found out through one of his friends and it had sent him on a bender. He’d nearly died of alcohol poisoning. And while Alison knew that her brother was to blame for his consumption she still felt that Jenna had played a role in his depression.

So she’d taken matters into her own hands, planning to ruin what Jenna held most dear just like Jenna had ruined her brother’s heart. She hadn’t seen Jenna and Toby in the garage that night. And she _certainly_ hadn’t seen Emily. But now that she knew the truth, that’s all she _could_ see…

Emily surrounded by a cloud of smoke, coughing, her eyes red and bloodshot. Her pupils were dilated and her irises looked black. She looked directly at Alison through the budding flames.

“How could you, Alison?” She snarled.

“Emily, I didn’t mean to…”

Flames shot up between them and all she could hear was Emily screaming in pain. Alison frantically searched through the smoke. Her body felt like it was being eaten alive by the heat. She heard a loud banging noise.

She woke up in a cold sweat. She shot up in bed, feeling fuzzy and disoriented. She fell back against her pillows once she realized she was in her room. She heard the loud rapping at her door again.

“Alison, you have someone here to see you.” It was her mother’s voice.

“Who is it?” Alison clutched the covers, still trying to recover from her nightmare. The room still seemed like it was spinning.

“She says she’s a friend from school.” Her mother opened the door. “What have I told you about sleeping late?”

“You let Jason sleep in all the time.”

“Yes, well, your brother is a lost cause. You need to pick up the slack, young lady. Maybe start by being a little more like Emily.”

Alison’s eyes widened. She hadn’t told her parents or Jason about Emily.

“Emily?”

“Yes, your friend. The one waiting for you in the living room. I must say, she’s different from your usual little delinquent friends. This one is actually polite and well-mannered. I like her.”

“Emily is _here_?” Alison nearly choked on her tongue.

God, there was no telling what horrible small talk her mother had exchanged with her. Alison couldn’t believe she’d just showed up here without calling or texting. Though to be fair, she had been avoiding Emily since the night of the game.

What Noel had said about Emily being blind had sparked her guilt into high gear. And now she was having nightmares because of it.

Alison stumbled out of bed, glancing in her mirror. She looked like crap. She wanted to strangle her mother for letting Emily in. Then she remembered that Emily couldn’t see, so it didn’t matter what she looked like.

And that was her fault. Emily couldn’t see because Alison was idiotic and rash in her life choices. She had taken someone’s sight away from her. And not just anyone. One of the most precious girls in the world.

After the third night in a row of having the same dream Alison realized that her guilty conscious would be the destruction of their relationship before it even started.

Alison sighed, staring at her reflection. Everything around her seemed blurry. She felt lightheaded. Was it nerves? Guilt? She looked at herself for the longest time. The person looking back at her was someone she didn’t recognize. There was a dark tint in her eyes and a malicious look on her face. It was as though she’d been possessed by a demon.

She frowned at herself. She took a few minutes to freshen up before going down to meet Emily in the living room. She saw her standing near the couch with Ace by her side. Alison was amazed her mother had let a dog into the house. She wouldn’t have put it past her to leave Emily on the porch or had her tie Ace up outside.

Emily heard her coming. She knew it wasn’t Mrs. DiLaurentis by the difference in their gait. She smiled.

“So, the stalker has become the stalkee,” Emily said. “Sorry for just showing up like this, but since you went radio silent I thought maybe the commies had gotten you or something.”

When Alison didn’t laugh, Emily’s smile faded.

“I…uh…I crossed a line here, didn’t I? Showing up like this?” She shifted on her feet uncomfortably. She made a motion towards the door. “I’m sorry. I can go if…”

“No, wait,” Alison said, gently grasping her arm to stop her. Her skin felt so silky. She swallowed hard. “I’m actually glad you’re here. I need to talk to you.”

She saw Emily’s smile reappear and it broke her heart. She could hear her mother rustling around in the kitchen talking to Jason. Alison didn’t want to do this anywhere where her family could overhear.

“Let’s go out on to the porch,” Alison suggested.

Emily didn’t say anything in response. Alison’s tone of voice sounded serious. They walked out on to her porch, Alison nervously wringing her fingers together.

“Okay. Am I misreading things here?” Emily asked. “Because a few days ago I thought we were clicking. I thought we were getting along pretty well. And then all of a sudden we’re back to being strangers again. Did I do something wrong?”

“What?” Alison asked in surprise. “Oh. No.” _Sweetie, no. I’m the bad seed here._ “It’s just…there’s something I need to tell you. About what happened to your family on the 4th of July.” She hadn’t meant to blurt it out, but there it was.

“The 4th of July?” She seemed confused. “You mean the explosion? What about it?”

Alison stared at her. She looked at the sunglasses on her face. She looked at the cane in her hand. She looked at the adorable, yet _needed_ , working dog by her side. All things that _her_ actions had caused.

After the silence became too much for Emily to bear she prompted Alison again.

“Alison, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

_No. It’s not. I fucked it up. I fucked everything up._

“I started that fire,” Alison’s voice came out small and meek.

“What?” Emily froze in place.

Alison saw the color drain from Emily’s cheeks. She saw the devastation and anger on her face. The girl was probably going to turn her in to the police. And worse, she’d probably never talk to her again. It would be just as well if she was behind bars if Emily didn’t love her. She’d just as soon be locked up in a cage rather than be free in a world where Emily would never love her back. Her heart was a jailed lover imprisoned, bound by chains and shackles that would never see the sun that was Emily Fields ever again.

“It wasn’t on purpose. Jenna was ugly to my brother when they were dating and I just wanted to get back at her.”

“So you thought you’d set their garage on fire…with us in it?” Emily couldn’t believe what she hearing. She took a step back away from Alison, the motion of distance between them tearing at Alison’s heart.

Ace whined, shoving his body against Emily’s trying to warn her that her foot was too close to the edge of the stairs. Emily and Alison were too caught up in their emotions to notice.

“Emily, I swear I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t know anyone was inside.” She reached out to touch Emily’s arm.

Emily jerked back.

“Stay away from me,” Emily hissed, shoving Alison’s hand away.

The motion caused her to lose her footing. Emily slipped, falling against the railing. She stumbled so hard that even Ace couldn’t keep her balanced. Alison saw it happening in slow motion and she was helpless to stop it.

“Emily!” Alison exclaimed, reaching out for her.

But it was too late. She tumbled backwards, falling hard against the pointed steps. Alison heard something inside of the brunette’s body snap and Emily cried out. Her sunglasses flew off of her face and her cane plunked against the ground. She flailed backwards, her head striking the edge of the railing and then crashing hard against the pavement below.

“Oh my God, Emily…” Alison rushed down the stairs after her.

Emily didn’t respond. Her body was limp against the ground. Blood was already starting to pool near her head. Alison cradled her cheeks with tears in her eyes. She looked up to shout for help, but when she lifted her head everything changed.

The sky suddenly darkened. There was a flash of light, an explosion. She wasn’t in her yard anymore. She was in the burning garage again. She was listening to Emily’s screams. Alison’s vision faded. She couldn’t see her anymore, but she could still hear her cries.

This time, Alison shot up on the couch. She was panting and clawing at her throat, still able to taste the soot and the smoke. Her body was hot and covered in sweat. Her eyes darted around the living room. For a second she wasn’t sure if she was really awake or not. The last part of her dream had felt so real. She’d been able to feel Emily’s pain, and it was unbearable.

She heard movement in the dimly lit room and looked over and saw her brother staring at her.

“You okay?” Jason asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

He was sitting in their dad’s lounge chair flipping through the channels. Alison bit her tongue to make sure she was really awake this time. She felt the stinging sensation when her sharp teeth cut into it.

_Good, no more of that dream within a dream shit._

But her heart was still racing.

“I’m fine,” she insisted.

“Come on, don’t bullshit me.” Jason scowled at her. He knew when his little sister was lying to him. “Why have you been having nightmares? What’s up?”

“How do you know I’ve been having nightmares?” Alison frowned at him, annoyed by his insightfulness.

 _I think I like you better when you’re drunk._ He was less observant when he was wasted.

“Come on, Al, you think I don’t know when you’re having bad dreams? You used to crawl into bed with me when you were little, holding your little stuffed lamb that grandma gave you. You’d tell me all about your nightmares and ask me if I could make the monsters go away.”

Alison had forgotten how much she’d leaned on the big dumb oaf when they were kids. Their parents were pretty much useless. She’d had no one to rely on but herself and her big brother. And before he’d turned into a boozehound he was a pretty decent big brother.

He would check the closets and under the bed for monsters and then make her feel like a big brave warrior who could take on anything. He promised to be her battle partner if the monster apocalypse happened, which it obviously never did.

Jason and Alison had their differences, but she was still his baby sister and he would destroy any threat to her. He’d once gotten into a huge fistfight with their father after the older man got drunk and started pushing Alison around one night. Their father had shoved Alison so hard that her ribs had caught the edge of the kitchen table and made her cry. Jason had literally flown over the table and tackled their dad and started beating the shit out of him.

It wasn’t often that their father drank and got like that, but it still happened from time to time, though he hadn’t laid a finger on Alison since that night. Sometimes Alison wondered if that was one of the real reasons Jason stuck around the house. Maybe he was just waiting on her to finish up high school and go away to college to get away from their toxic family.

“They’re nothing. Just SAT testing-induced nerves.”

“Okay. So then who is Emily?” he asked, concerned that maybe the girl was a new bitchy Queen Bee giving Alison shit. She’d sounded scared when she’d yelled out her name.

“What?” Alison asked in surprise. How did he know about her?

_Oh, fuck me. Is this another part of the fucking dream? Am I ever going to wake up?_

“You called out her name right before you woke up.” Jason explained.

Alison felt her face burning, flushing. He didn’t miss her reddening cheeks.

“Oh, she’s just…a friend from school.”

Jason rolled his eyes and gave her a look that told her he wasn’t buying it.

“A _good_ friend or one of those _enemy_ friends you start shit with?”

“Nothing like that.” Alison shook her head. “I like her and she likes me.”

“Oh, so she’s your new fling?”

“No.” Alison huffed. “She’s not a _fling_.” She grumbled out defensively. She felt protective of whatever it was that she had with Emily, though she had no idea what it was yet. “She’s…” Alison didn’t know how to describe how she felt. Because she’d never felt it before. “She’s just Emily. She’s my…” She couldn’t quite classify her as her girlfriend, but she certainly wanted to. “We’re friends, okay?”

“Actions speak louder than words.” Jason replied.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re saying one thing, but I’m seeing another. _You’ve_ got a crush, baby sister.”

_Stop being so perceptive._

“Shut up, no I don’t.” Alison stood up in a huff. She made a show of storming towards the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Jason asked.

“To bed.”

“What, are you skipping school or something?”

“What are you talking about?”

Alison looked outside. It was still dark out. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was just past 6 in the morning.

“You crashed on the couch last night. Don’t you remember?” Jason questioned.

Alison paused in her stride. The only thing she remembered from last night was sneaking some of her mother’s wine because she had dodged a call from Emily and was feeling guilty about it. She hadn’t talked to her since the game four days ago. Her nightmares had really rattled her and she didn’t know how to be around Emily without blurting out her secret or accidentally telling her that she loved her.

“What are you even doing up at 6 am?” Alison tried to spin it back to him.

“I never went to bed last night.” He shrugged.

That made her mad. She wanted to have the freedom of being able to stay up all night whenever she wanted and not have to worry about the next day. She trounced up the stairs angrily, stomping her feet as she went. She could hear Jason laughing in the living room at her fit.

She disappeared into her room and started tearing through her closet. Normally she’d use her sex appeal to get someone to like her. But she couldn’t do that with Emily, because Emily wasn’t interested in how she looked or what she dressed like. Emily was interested in _her_ , and that could be a problem, because she wasn’t exactly a _good_ person. And it was only a matter of time until Emily wised up to that. Or maybe she already knew, and she just liked Alison so much that she didn’t care.

She changed into her outfit for school and then put her make-up on. She stared at herself in the mirror. And she hated her reflection. She felt like a fraud. It wasn’t enough to _pretend_ to be a better person. She actually wanted to become a better person. For Emily.

Was that even possible?

And even if she was somehow able to move past all the recklessness and all the mistakes she’d made she wasn’t sure she’d ever be enough for Emily Fields. She didn’t know how to be around her, let alone tell her about her feelings. She didn’t even know what her feelings were. She didn’t know what the right thing to do was. If she told Emily it would only hurt her. She didn’t want to hurt her again.

She sighed, glancing at herself in the mirror. She wiped a layer of her foundation off and re-did her make-up, this time making it a little less loud and a lot more subtle. She exchanged her fiery red lipstick for a more natural color. She chose a lighter shade of eye-liner and eye-shadow. When she was finished she stared at her reflection, hating it a little less. It was more natural. While she had always used her flair to stand out in a crowd, she felt that the toned down look was more “her”. She silently approved herself and then grabbed her things.

Jason heard her coming and called to her from the kitchen. Alison wanted to bolt and pretend she hadn’t heard him, but she _was_ kind of hungry and she smelled something cooking. She walked in just as he was pulling a tray of biscuits out of the oven. He turned around and saw her.

“Hey, look at you. You look almost human and not like a wax figure of Boy George.” Jason noticed the change in her appearance.

“And to think I thought you might actually be up to something nice.” Alison rolled her eyes and turned on her heels.

“Hey, wait a second. I was just screwing with you. Come on. I made us some breakfast.” He picked several biscuits up off of the hot tray and put them in a basket and put them on the table, which he’d set for the two of them.

“I can’t. I’m going to be late for school.” Alison turned her nose up, still irritated by his “Boy George” quip.

“Whatever. You have time. Don’t you want that normal family relationship shit?”

Something occurred to her. Yes, he’d stayed up all night, but his eyes didn’t look bloodshot and baggy. There were usually only two reasons he stayed up for days at a time. And since he wasn’t partying…had he stayed up with her because she was having nightmares?

“Jason, are you sober?”

“So nice of you to notice,” Jason said sarcastically. “Four days now. Having a little trouble settling at night.” He admitted. “Figured I might as well do some time as big bad monster hunter brother since I’m not doing anything else but watching TV.”

“So, not drinking? What’s the occasion?”

“I’ve got an interview for a secretarial position at a law firm in a few days and I need to have my head on straight.”

“Awww, did you buy a new skirt and matching blouse Secretary Jason?” She teased.

“Very funny. Don’t make me regret being nice to you.”

“That was for the Boy George quip.” Alison shrugged with a smile.

“Yeah, we’re even. Now come in here and have a bite with me.” He walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a carton of orange juice. “Sugar free, carb free, _everything_ free just like you like it.” He grabbed a glass and poured one for her.

“Have you been replaced by a pod person?” Alison eyed him suspiciously as she walked towards the table.

She sat down, expecting a whoopee cushion noise or for the chair to collapse beneath her, because this was not like her big brother. This was not like him at all. He put a plate down in front of her with all of Alison’s favorite breakfast foods. He sat down as she scowled down at the food. She didn’t trust it.

“Okay, what is this really about?” Alison picked up her fork, poking at the food to see if it was going to explode with food dye or something. “You never cook unless you’re stoned or unless something bad is happening. So what is it? Did mom find out about dad boning his secretary? Are they getting a divorce?”

“Al, she’s known about that for years.” He rolled his eyes. “She screws her assistant to get back at him. She’s probably at his place right now.”

“Are you dying?”

“God, you’re morbid. No.”

“Did someone in the family die? Did we lose all of our money…”

“Alison, stop. There is nothing wrong. I just wanted to have breakfast with my baby sis. That’s all.”

“You know I hate it when you call me that.”

Jason grinned and shoveled some bacon into his mouth.

“That shit will kill you.” She frowned at him.

“Then I’ll die happy with the taste of heaven in my mouth.” He ate another piece.

Alison glared at him in jealousy. He could eat nothing but bacon for an entire month and he never gained a pound. He didn’t have to do much besides play basketball to stay in good shape. She felt like she had to run marathons just to lose one pound.

They spent a few minutes, _pleasant_ minutes, having small-talk. Everything was going well. But then Jason revealed his true intentions.

“So, about this Emily girl…”

“I already told you I don’t want to talk about it. Leave me alone.” Alison shoveled a scoop of food in her mouth.

“This wouldn’t happen to be Emily, Jenna’s cousin, would it?” Jason questioned. Alison almost dropped her fork. “Because that family…”

“They’re not even related by blood. She’s only Emily’s _step_ -cousin. And Emily is nothing like Jenna. She’s sweet and kind…” _And hot as fucking hell_. “And she’s her own person. I don’t care what your history with Jenna is. You can’t hate on Emily for all the shit _that girl_ pulled.”

“It’s not just her. I’m sure she’s fine. From the few times I heard Jenna talk about her cousin, she seemed like a cool chick. But Cavanaugh is a psycho and I don’t know if I want you hanging around him if he’s part of the deal.”

Something inside of her snapped. Just the thought of her brother trying to keep her from Emily sent her into a rage.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do.” Alison angrily threw her fork down against the table. “This is none of your business!”

“I’m just trying to look out for you. Emily may be perfectly fine, but the rest of that family is whacked.”

“Yeah, and _we’re_ normal?” Alison motioned to their house. “Our parents are never home because they’re too busy with their sexual conquests, and when they _are_ home they’re drunk and sniping at one another. You and I can’t have _one_ normal meal together, and we spend all of our time being mom and dad’s little puppets they can showcase for their stupid rich friends. And we don’t even have a dog.”

“…a dog?” Jason was thrown by her last complaint. “Since when do you want a dog?”

“I’m allowed to want to have a dog.” She sniped back, her tone coming out with an angry vigor. “I can do what I want.” _God, I sound like a petulant child._ “Look, I’m going to hang out with Emily whether you like it or not. And I don’t care if Toby is around.” Actually, she did kind of hate him, but she’d tolerate him if it meant being friends, hopefully _more_ , with Emily. “Spencer and Toby hang out all the time and she’s not wigged out by him.”

_And I’m a total snitch. Fuck._

“Since when?” Jason stiffened, clearly not liking the fact that his cousin was involved with Toby Cavanaugh.

“All the time at school. They have a lot of the same classes. And sometimes she meets up with him outside of school, too.”

_Stop talking, Alison!_

“Do Aunt Veronica and Uncle Peter know about this?”

“They’re too busy sniping at one another to care.” Alison shrugged. “Besides, she’s 18. She can do what she wants.” She shoved the plate away from her. “Listen, are we done here? Because I really am going to be late for school.”

“Ali, just be careful.” Jason advised. Alison scowled angrily at him as she slowly stood up. “You know, Jenna was kind and sweet when we first started going out, too.”

“Emily is _not_ Jenna. You have no fucking right to judge Emily _or_ Toby for that matter. You don’t know them. All you know is their reputation. And you should know better than anyone that reputations aren’t everything.” And with that, she huffed and walked out of the room.

She raced through the living room and out the front door, making sure to slam it as loud as she possibly could, because how dare her brother corner her like that? How dare he judge Emily? He didn’t even know her. He didn’t see her the way Alison saw her.

He also didn’t know what she’d done to Emily. If anyone was a danger to someone, it was her to Emily. But that’s not the person she was anymore. It’s not who she wanted to be. She’d spent the past several days trying to figure out who this “new” Alison DiLaurentis was. Changing herself didn’t feel like a big deal to her. But what other people _said_ about her changes _were_ a big deal. Because despite all the hot air she blew at Jason about reputations, her reputation was _everything_. So when she walked into school underdressed and her make-up looking au-naturel she practically _dared_ anyone to say something about her downplaying her look.

She saw Noel look twice at her, but before he could open his smart mouth she took him down a peg by calling attention to the fact that he was still wearing last season’s shoes, _and_ they were knock-offs with holes in them.

Taking down Ben was even easier. All she had to do was zero in on his failure of a mustache, saying that half the women in Hollywood were sprouting better lip hair. The boys retreated with their tails between their legs.

Spencer was the only one who called her out on it. Alison stopped by her locker to give her back her Trigonometry book that the two of them shared. Spencer took the book and shoved it in her locker. Then she stopped and stared at Alison.

“Your face.” Spencer seemed confused.

“What about it?” Alison scowled, puffing up defensively.

“I can actually see it.” Spencer shut her locker door with a smile. She knew exactly what this new look was about. “It’s a good look for you. Glad you ditched the botoxed Kardashian trend for a more classic Lana Turner appeal.”

“Who?” Alison wasn’t sure whether to be offended or not.

Spencer looked like she’d been slapped. That her cousin didn’t know who Lana Turner was made her feel like excommunicating her from the family.

“It’s a compliment, Alison. Not a dick. Just take it and say thank you.”

And that was all she said before smiling at her and walking away, muttering about how a little culture wouldn’t kill her. Alison glared after her as she ripped her phone out of her pocket and quickly googled the name. She relaxed when she saw the classic beauty that Spencer was comparing her to. Who knew Spencer Hastings knew how to compliment her…and actually be sincere about it?

Spencer’s words gave her the confidence boost she needed. Alison strutted through the hallway with pride, not even caring that people were taking note of her new image. Hell, she was a walking fashion design. She could probably come to school sporting a tutu and leopard print tights and it would quickly become a fad. All the little lemmings would follow her right over the cliff. But that didn’t matter. None of it mattered. She knew the only person who wouldn’t judge her was Emily. And Emily’s opinion was the only one that mattered to her. She couldn’t wait to walk over to Emily and...

 _Oh, shit, she’s here._ She saw Emily coming towards the entrance.

At first she started moving towards her, coolly, with confidence. But at the last second she panicked and then flaked. She ducked into an open room near the entrance of the school. She ended up in the school shop hiding between the gym shorts and the _“Go Sharks!”_ jerseys.

She saw the little redheaded pimply pipsqueak freshman behind the counter staring at her. She glared at him, her eyes just _warning_ him,

_Not a word you little bastard._

She grabbed her phone and started composing a text to the one person who would be able to give her the courage to be fierce…or make her realize how stupid she was being. It could go either way with Cece.

_“Jason is an asshole. High school sucks. And love is stupid.”_

Cece replied a few minutes later,

_“Something on your mind, love?”_

_“I’m starting to think that a life of vapid meaningless sex is easier than trying to have a relationship.”_

_“Of course it’s easier. With love you have to put in the work. It’s not easy, Alison, but at some point we’ve all got to grow up.”_

_“Oh, sure, ONE semester abroad and you’re suddenly a love guru?”_

_“You texted me, sweetheart. I don’t claim to know everything. I’m still figuring it out myself…with a tall delicious slice of man named Colin.”_ She’d added an eggplant emoji for emphasis. _“Is he anything to me? Not really. But who knows? I’m all about trying all the flavors before I decide on my meal. But you, my dear, you’re different. Always have been. That chip that keeps me from not giving a shit? You actually have one that works. You just suppress it. You’ve actually got a shot at this ‘love’ thing. Helps that you have a mouth like magic.”_ She added a devil emoji and a face sticking a tongue out and winking.

Alison snorted and rolled her eyes before she replied,

_“Sex is so much easier. How do I love? I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so out of my league.”_

_“Bullshit. You’re just scared. Because you’ve never let yourself love before. Don’t use that as an excuse. Love is not as complicated as you’re making it out to be. It’s just more work. You just have to figure out if it’s worth it to you.”_

It was. It most definitely was. But it was also more complicated than Cece realized, because of the 4th of July. Because of the unknown history that Emily didn’t know they shared. Because of the secrets this relationship was going to be built off of.

 _“I’m guessing this has something to do with lover-girl?”_ Cece asked.

_“Would you stop calling her that? She’s more to me than that.”_

_“Then why aren’t you talking to her about this?”_

“Shut up, Cece.” She muttered under her breath. But Cece was right.

She typed back,

_“Because I’m hiding in between boys underpants and overpriced drink koozies with sharks on them right now.”_

_“Damn, another epic Kahn party, huh?”_ Three laughing emojis followed her message.

_“Don’t even get me started on An-NOEL-ying Kahn. He and Ben have been unbearable lately.”_

_“We should have dropped them years ago. They’re both freaks and loose cannons.”_

_“I miss you being my sounding board.”_

_“I am literally texting you through an existential crisis right now. I may be across the sea, but I’m still here for you.”_

_“It’s not the same.”_

_“Jesus, there is no pleasing you. I hope new girl knows what she’s in for.”_

_“Her name is Emily, Cece. I’ve told you this a dozen times. It’s Emily. She’s kind and funny and way too fucking good for me. Her favorite color is yellow, but the color she looks best in is blue. Her favorite food is chicken quesadillas, but she isn’t picky about anything she eats. She loves salted caramel and_ _chocolate.”_ Her fingers were basically typing at warp speed as she added message after message of what Emily liked, _“She likes old music because her mom and dad used to listen to it with her when she was little. She likes movie musicals and old TV shows. Her coffee of choice is Americano…”_

And why was she telling Cece all of this? She stopped and stared at her phone. She _should_ be talking to Emily about these things.

_“Americano? I approve. You marry this girl. You marry her hard.”_

_“Holy shit, I really am in love.”_ Alison replied.

 _“Sounds like it.”_ A smiling emoji. _“She sounds great, Alison. And I really hope that whatever your damage is that you can figure it out. Because time makes you bolder and children get older…”_

 _“Don’t you dare fucking quote Fleetwood Mac at me, you bitch.”_ She added two musical note emojis and a laughing emoji.

_“What are you still talking to me for? Go get your hot cup of Americano!”_

The bell rang signaling that students needed to get to their first period classes.

_“I will later. GTG, I have to go be a slave to societal norms.”_

_“Have fun in class.”_

Alison felt a little better after messaging Cece. But she was still trying to work through her feelings. She spent the rest of the school day dodging Emily because she wasn’t sure what to say to her. Ironically, hiding from someone who couldn’t see proved to be much more difficult than Alison could ever imagine.

It’s like Emily was everywhere and nowhere at once. Alison would be sneaking out of a classroom and there Emily was, ten feet away at her locker or stopping to refill her bottle of water at a water fountain or chatting with other students.

She even managed to get cornered in the bathroom when Emily came in after second period. Alison had ended up quietly hiding in a stall, watching her through the crack in the door while she washed her hands and put her eye drops in. Ace sat at her feet, occasionally looking at Alison’s shoes underneath the stall, like he knew it was her.

 _Please don’t rat me out, Lassie._ She begged in thought.

Alison just prayed that Emily didn’t hear her breathing. She felt like she was breathing too loud. Or what if Emily smelled her perfume? Or what if someone else came in and found out she was hiding?

Emily put her eye drops away. She rubbed her cheekbones with her fingers and squeezed her eyes shut, like she had a headache. Alison frowned. So the eye drops hurt her.

_Great. Something else to feel guilty about._

Forget love being stupid. Guilt was an even stupider emotion.

Emily dropped her hands and put her sunglasses on. She rooted around in her purse until she found a pouch that held a vial of pills. Alison heard the bottle rattle as she pulled them out. Emily ran her fingers across the braille label to make sure she had the right bottle. Alison watched in curiosity as she opened the top and pour two pills into her hand. She reached for her water bottle and then took the meds.

Emily’s whole life – her _world_ , everything she knew had changed in one moment. One stupid moment that Alison had caused that had defined what the rest of her life would be, though she seemed to be taking it in stride. That didn’t help ease any of the guilt Alison was feeling.

She waited until Emily was done. She waited a good solid five minutes before she exited the stall and cautiously opened the bathroom door. She took one step out into the hallway before she realized…she had to pee. That’s why she’d gone in there in the first place. She muttered to herself as she walked back in.

An hour later she found herself in a similar predicament in the locker room. She’d just finished up running laps on the track. She had ducked out early so she could have some peace and quiet in the locker room. She needed to think. And she needed to think in peace.

She walked in to the shower stalls to wash up before going to her next class. When she was finished she wrapped a towel around her body and stepped out of the stall to walk towards her locker to change into her clean clothes. She heard someone talking. The locker rooms were empty because everyone else was still out on the track, but when she walked by the last row of lockers she saw her.

She vaguely recalled something about Emily have a free period during gym. She’d arranged swimming lessons with the assistant swim coach so she could get used to the length and depth of the pool so she’d have somewhere familiar to swim if she wanted to.

And of course it would be her luck that Emily’s locker was two lockers down from hers. And of course Emily was standing in front of her locker in a one-piece bathing suit. She had a towel wrapped around her waist. She had a pair of goggles on her head and was wearing a blue swim cap.

Her feet were bare, and to Alison’s surprise they were painted a dark shade of red, matching her nails. Alison stared at her toes from afar. She wanted to play with them, to kiss each one. Something told her that Emily’s feet were ticklish, which strengthened her desire, because she loved hearing her laugh.

She’d heard that the feet opened the doors to all of the parts of the body. There was something erotic about being able to connect to any part of the body like that. She could see herself getting Emily nice and relaxed as she worked the tension out of her feet. She wanted to press her thumbs deep into Emily’s soft arches. She wanted to find her erogenous zones. She wanted her to make noises. She wanted to drizzle massage oil on on them and slowly work her way up her long legs.

Her gaze flickered to Emily’s damp legs. The droplets of water against her skin were glistening underneath the dim fluorescent lights. She watched the liquid dripping down her calves and she bit her lip, because she could just imagine something _else_ wet dripping down her thighs.

She shook her head to try and keep her hormones in check. These thoughts couldn’t be normal. This obsession couldn’t be normal. Was this what it felt like to fall in love? Or was she bordering on creepy? She was just so lost in Emily that she couldn’t see straight.

 _Just talk to her you coward._ Alison begged herself in thought.

But her heart started racing at the very thought of it. So she stood there in her towel, unmoving, just watching and waiting for Emily and Ace to clear the area. She felt like a creepy pervert, but it’s not like she could just walk out into the hallway in her towel. She was trapped with nowhere to go, just like the bathroom. It’s like fate was teasing her. And she didn’t like it.

Ace glanced Alison’s way and Alison ducked behind the lockers, as if the dog was going to tell Emily she was there. Or shit, maybe he was. Alison didn’t know the extent of what the dog did. Maybe he did alert her to other people being around. But after a few seconds he turned his attention back to Emily.

“Yeah, it went fine,” Emily said, speaking to someone on her phone. There was a pause. “I am. I promise. Coach Fulton is helping me with the directions.” Another pause. “I know. I love you, too.” Seconds later she hung up.

That caught Alison’s attention. She loved someone? Who? She’d fight them for Emily if she had to. She peered around the corner again. She’d pulled her swim cap and goggles off.

“She’s going to drive me insane this year, isn’t she, Ace?” Emily addressed the Retriever.

 _Who?_ Who the fuck…and what gave them the right…

“Guess that’s what mothers are supposed to do though, right?”

_Oh._

Alison felt like an idiot. She certainly wouldn’t be throwing down with Emily’s mother for her affection. It was taking Alison some getting used to in coming to the understanding that some families actually _loved_ one another.

Emily reached down and unknotted her towel. Alison watched as she pulled the cloth off, revealing her full suit. It wasn’t one of the outdated school-issued swimsuits, but a snugly fitted dual toned suit with a large diamond-sized hole in the middle, revealing a portion of her well-toned stomach.

The bathing suit, which was a royal blue color at the top swirled into a darker shade of navy on the sides. A medium-sized strip of fabric on either side of her ribs was holding the top and bottom portions together. It was black at the bottom, and it was a perfect fit that showcased her tight thigh muscles. It’s like the ensemble was made for her. It looked like it would probably be easier to get on and off than a regular one-piece, which was more than likely why she was wearing it.

The hole in the front was just the right size for Alison to slide her palm against Emily’s stomach and dip her nimble fingers down in between her legs. She could just envision the two of them clutching one another in the water, finding a wall, their bodies warm and flushed together in the cool current. She could imagine Emily reaching out to touch her first, but getting her hand smacked away, because Alison had to have _her_ first. So she’d press Emily’s back against the wall and slide her fingers down the front of her suit, the water beginning to warm around them.

And after she took care of Emily, she could imagine a wild look in the brunette’s eyes as she came down from her high and having something deep and carnal taking a hold of her. She could imagine Emily spinning them around, pushing her against the pool wall firmly, giving Alison no choice but to hoist herself up against the side of the pool, her legs dangling over, just teasing the dark-haired vixen to make her want her more.

She imagined Emily pulling herself out of the pool just enough to kiss her exposed stomach, her fingers exploring the curves of her abdomen, her lips trailing lower as she pushed Alison to lay back. Alison could imagine the feel of Emily pulling her bikini bottoms down with her teeth and moving her fingers to her core while spreading her legs to kiss her inner thighs.

Her mouth would easily find her center and Alison wouldn’t be able to resist grabbing her hair and wrapping her fingers into it and guiding her. She could only imagine how it would feel to be able to feel Emily’s head bobbing with the water current and moving her fingers until Alison was a whimpering mess because of her touch. Emily would have to hold her down, because there’s no way she wouldn’t arch right off of the ground. And when she was done Alison would slip back into the water, right into her arms and feel the warmth of Emily holding her as they both relaxed into one another, hot panting messes.

Alison bit her lip as she watched Emily drying herself off. Emily flipped her hair over her shoulder and ran a comb through it before putting it up in a messy bun. She turned towards Alison, and for a second the blonde thought she was busted. Emily was staring right at her, but she didn’t say a word. Alison was hypnotized by her eyes, by her body, by _everything_ about her.

Alison could see every delicious curve. Emily’s body was the stuff she could only dream about in her fantasies. She saw a small tattoo peeking out from underneath the strap of her suit on her right collar bone. So she wasn’t just being cheeky about the tattoo. She really had one. Alison couldn’t quite make it out from a distance. She didn’t know what it was, but she wanted to run her fingers over it and kiss it.

Alison kept her hand against the edge of the row of lockers, completely spellbound, not realizing that she was inching forward. Her fingernails curled against the metal, making a scratching noise that usually wouldn’t be heard over all the voices and slamming lockers when the locker room was full. But it was just the two of them, so of course the noise sounded like nails on a chalkboard, amplified for the whole world to hear.

Emily picked her head up.

“Is someone there?” Emily called out. She reached for her cane, gripping it tightly.

 _Shitshitshit, fuck._ Alison tensed up.

Alison almost called out to answer her, but her mouth felt like it was filled with gunk and she couldn’t move. She totally froze. She held her breath, not moving a muscle. After a few seconds, Emily reached for her dog, like it was a comfort that he was there. It probably was.

She kept her guard up, but her tone didn’t sound the least bit intimidated.

“You know, you’re a great guide dog, but you’re not the greatest bodyguard. I’ll up your pay if you become my guard dog, too.” Emily scratched the dog’s head. She paused. “Eh, who am I kidding? You’d be a terrible bodyguard. You’d probably lick the intruder to death.”

She listened for a few seconds, but didn’t hear anything else. Alison saw her slowly start to relax and put her cane down. Emily sat down on the edge of the bench and pulled one of her suit straps down. She reached up and pulled the other strap down, her cleavage starting to poke out at the top. She slowly peeled the suit off.

Alison blinked and swallowed hard. She could have everything she wanted in her dreams and more if she watched. She wouldn’t have to imagine anything anymore. But as much as she wanted to look, she turned away. Because she didn’t want to invade Emily’s privacy or violate her in any way. If Emily wanted Alison to see her body that would be _her_ choice.

She quickly averted her gaze, moving back behind the lockers and leaning up against the cool metal. She didn’t even care that her hormones and libido were going to be pissed off at her later. All she cared about was Emily. This wasn’t Cece seductively throwing her clothes off in the locker room knowing that Alison was watching her. This wasn’t some game. This was Emily. Her sweet Emily. And Emily was not just a plaything.

She listened to Emily shuffling as she changed. Alison wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. Despite her warm thoughts, she was freezing. She’d been standing nearly naked in the locker room right next to the air vent, like an idiot. But she didn’t move from that spot until she heard Emily’s locker slam close. For good measure she gave it another minute before she slowly peered around the corner to make sure Emily had her clothes on.

Emily was reaching for her cane and Ace’s lead when Alison looked again. She slowly started walking towards the exit in the other direction, her cane tapping the ground as she went.

Alison had to hustle to get changed in time for her next class. She scurried out of the locker room and ran into the sea of students. Though it didn’t matter how many kids were in the hallway, because through the crowd she could see Emily walking with Hanna and Mona.

_Seriously?_

It’s like the girl subconsciously knew where she would be and she just…materialized. She quickly turned a corner before Hanna and Mona could say something about seeing her. And that became what the rest of her day was like. Emily was all over the place. Every time she saw her Alison would try to disappear into the sea of students. And every time, she could see Ace watching her, like he was judging her, like in his little doggy mind he was rolling his eyes and spouting, _“Get your shit together, Alison.”_

“Stop judging me, furball.” Alison uttered under her breath.

Alison managed to avoid pretty much all social interactions all day. Her absence didn’t go unnoticed. Emily had really been feeling the void she’d left. She felt like Alison was ghosting her, but she couldn’t figure out why. Had she come on too strong showing up at the game? Were her calls and texts too needy? Alison was suddenly very busy and didn’t seem to have time for her.

She sighed, rubbing her fingers against the bracelet the blonde had given her, unaware that Alison was watching her from across the courtyard and smiling. Cece’s words echoed in Alison’s mind,

_“You just have to figure out if it’s worth it to you.”_

Alison had known the answer all along. She had made up her mind the minute she’d met Emily. And despite all of her insecurities and her family’s reservations, all she could see when she closed her eyes was Emily Fields. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that, yes, the girl was completely worth it. All she had to do was figure out how to take the first step.


	7. Exposed

* * *

**Chapter 7:**

**Exposed**

Emily left school that afternoon feeling a little deflated. She had no idea that Alison had been watching her from around corners all day, cursing herself for not speaking up every time they’d crossed paths. She didn’t know that Alison was on the cusp of telling her how important she was to her.

Emily heard a shuffling noise coming towards her. The footsteps were heavy and it sounded like the person was wearing sneakers. She heard rustling that sounded like a windbreaker. It definitely wasn’t Alison, not in that attire. She sighed in disappointment.

“Yo, Em!” She heard his voice call out to her.

Alison felt a surge of anger as she watched him walk over to _her_ girl. She felt like going feral, ripping off her earrings, wrapping her hair up in a bun, and running up on him and attacking him from behind, yanking on his joke of a stupid side-part fauxhawk that he called a hairstyle until he had patches of hair missing. Her fists tightened. She was ready to _go_.

_Oh, this bitch…_ Alison watched as Ben crossed the courtyard and jogged towards Emily. _The nerve. The fucking nerve._

Emily had a similar reaction. She grumbled under her breath and clenched her jaw. But she could hear her mother’s voice in her head, _“Be nice, Emily. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”_

But what her mother didn’t know was that in Ben’s case he wasn’t a fly. He was a disgusting cockroach. And he thrived on vinegar. And not the good kind that was flavorful on salads. The sour rancid kind that was used in science experiments that made people gag. He was the nasty build up of crystallization in the bottle after the liquid acid corroded and turned into a combustible.

“Wait up.” Ben caught up to her.

Emily wished she was deaf, too, so she could pretend she didn’t hear him as she quickly paced away. But instead she stopped walking. Ace immediately stopped moving. He looked at Ben, but didn’t react.

“Hey Ben,” she said through her teeth.

Alison watched. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could see them talking. And she didn’t like it. She knew she had to keep Ben away from Emily. She didn’t like the way he looked at her. She didn’t like the way he talked to her. And she _certainly_ didn’t like how uncomfortable he made her. Besides, he was ignoring her orders to leave Emily alone and that _seriously_ pissed her off. Because her word was the fucking law at Rosewood High. And violators would be punished… _severely_.

_I MADE you Ben Coogan. And I can destroy you just as fast._

She watched as Ben tried to fumble his way through a conversation with Emily, looking like a stupid bumbling schmuck, because she was waaaay out of his league. They weren’t even playing on the same team...or the same sport. He looked like a huge dork. Emily kept her cool, which impressed Alison. Because she would have throat-punched the idiot by now.

“Where you off to?” He asked.

“Nowhere in particular.” Emily replied.

Like she would tell him? He would trail behind her like a drooling hormonal puppy.

“Cool. You liking being back in Rosewood?”

“Yeah.” Her tone was monotonous, almost cold.

Even Ben’s little bird brain told him something was up. And he was pretty sure he knew what it was.

“Um, listen, I know I wasn’t the nicest guy in middle school…”

_Understatement._ Emily thought to herself.

“…but you know how it is. Finding yourself and shit. I was hoping that maybe I could get to know you and you could get to know me. Wipe the slate clean, you know?”

“Ben, you know I’m gay, right?”

“Yeah, no, and that’s cool. I’m totally cool with that. Alison is in to chicks, too, and we’re friends.” He smiled.

It’s a good thing Alison hadn’t heard that statement from across the quad or she would have lit his ass up. He wasn’t her goddamn friend. He wasn’t even a fucking acquaintance. He was a lackey. No, he didn’t even have enough brains to be a lackey. He was a big shit that came out of a lackey’s ass after Taco Tuesday.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t hang, right?” Ben questioned. “Let me get you coffee sometime. As friends. No strings attached. I promise.”

Emily’s thoughts were very skeptical.

_Bullshit. You’re about as reliable as the job market in society._ But Emily knew he’d only push and persist if she said no, so she just smiled and nodded out a half-hearted, “sure.”

Ben had a look of victory on his face. He glanced at Ace.

“Never got a chance to ask you what this little guy’s name is…” He reached down and started petting Ace.

That made Alison furious.

“Don’t fucking distract him from his job,” Alison grumbled under her breath. “Don’t fucking touch him. That’s _Emily’s_ dog. Her _guide_. He’s not yours to touch. Get your Cheeto-laced ball-milk spooge-covered hands away from him.”

She glanced at Ace. The Retriever actually caught her eye from across the way. He’d been doing that with her all day.

_Bite his nuts._ She tried to send a psychic command to him.

The dog didn’t bite Ben’s testicles, but he did pull away apathetically, which made Alison smile in triumph. She watched them intently, so intently that she didn’t hear the footsteps behind her. She felt someone grab her and put two large gruff hands over her eyes. She jumped and almost let out a scream.

“Guess who?”

Alison reacted on instinct, elbowing the shit out of him. She spun around and found a very pissed off Noel clutching his stomach.

“Damn, DiLaurentis. What the hell is up with you lately?” Noel asked.

He said it loudly. Too loudly. Alison shoved him back, hoping that Ben hadn’t seen them. She pushed until they were in a small alley behind the shadows. Her body was pressed firmly against his, her hand over his mouth. He lifted his brows and smiled at her. He liked the feel of her body against his. She pulled her hand back.

“What are you doing here, Noel?”

“Um, I go to school here. What are _you_ doing?” He peered around the corner, trying to get a better look at who she’d been watching.

Alison grabbed him and pulled him back again, their faces just inches apart. Noel read it the wrong way.

“Oh, okay, I think I get it.” He grinned, his hand running up her thigh. “You miss Cece, right? That’s why you gotta get your rocks off checking out other people’s game?”

“What are you talking…”

Noel didn’t let her finish her sentence. He leaned forward and pressed his rough lips against hers. She was startled at how forward he was being. It barely registered that they were kissing, though she could taste a hickory flavor on his lips. She could smell his aftershave and could feel his stupid scratchy chin hairs irritating her sensitive skin.

It felt wrong. But she didn’t stop. The entire time he was moving his lips against hers she was thinking about Emily. How Emily would be softer, sweeter. How she would be more delicate, taste more divine.

She thought about how Ben was making a play for Emily. And that made her angry. So without really knowing why, she pushed back against Noel’s kiss, hard. She took control, dominating it, pushing her tongue past his lips, biting down hard enough to make him grunt against her advances. She felt his hand moving hers down to the bulge in the front of his pants and that was what abruptly ended the encounter.

“What the fuck was that?” She hissed, shoving his blocky chest with her palms, an angry scowl on her face.

“What? It’s not like you haven’t given me handies before. I thought you were into it.”

Noel looked confused. _Genuinely_ confused. He looked like a big dumb dog. And all Alison could do was growl in irritation.

“All you and Ben do is think with your dicks.” She grumbled.

“Ben?” Another wave of confusion. “What does Ben have to do with this?”

“Nothing. Just…I have somewhere to be.” _Anywhere but here._

“You’re just gonna leave me hanging?” He motioned down to the obvious hard-on he had.

“Jerk your own cock and just leave me out of it. I like _girls_ , Noel. And trust me, if I’m kissing you it’s just practice for the real thing.” She stormed away.

He stared at her, flabbergasted. Alison took off, running to the locker to change into her exercise attire, because she had a lot of steam she needed to burn off. The first thing she reached for was gum, to wash the taste of Noel out of her mouth.

What had she ever seen in him anyway? Why had she picked him, of all people, to be in her posse? She paced the locker room for several minutes, pissed at…she really wasn’t sure what she was pissed at anymore. Nothing? Everything? Herself? The whole world? Life in general?

She spent the next hour jogging close to campus. On her third…or was it fourth? Ah, she didn’t care. On her fourth run close to town she spotted the very girl she couldn’t get out of her mind. Emily had a bookbag slung over her shoulder and her cane was out in front of her.

_Fucking fate…_

Ace wasn’t with her, which made her nervous. Alison felt like she had a mental pact with that dog. When she wasn’t with Emily Ace was supposed to protect her, though the girl clearly didn’t need protection. Alison glanced at the brunette. She was dressed in a loose tank top and tightly fitting yoga pants that really showed off her figure.

_God, she’s so cute._

Alison took a swig of her water and wiped her brow, trying to gather the confidence to do what she’d been too chicken shit to do all day. After an inner battle with herself telling her that she couldn’t change what she’d done in the past she found the courage to walk up to her. She knew this would be their new beginning. And she was going to make sure it started out the right way.

“Emily?” She said, not realizing that she still sounded a bit breathless from her jog.

Emily perked up the second she heard her voice. Emily’s smile, which had a direct connection to Alison’s heart, formed on her face.

“Hey stranger,” Emily said.

“Hey, I thought that was you.” _Really? Could you be more cliché? Jesus…_

“It’s only been a few days. Did you forget my face already?” Emily teased.

She would _never_ forget _anything_ about her.

“I didn’t recognize you without the dog.” Alison teased back.

“Of course. It’s always about Ace. Little devil has his own fan club.” Emily chuckled. “The chicks really dig him.”

Alison smiled. She loved that the dog could be a conversation starter.

“So where is he?”

“I took him home after school. I like to let him be a regular dog with mom and dad when I can. He’s so good with me. He really is. And he does have to maintain a level of his work duties. But I love hearing my dad tell me all about him flopping around with his toy or trying to bury his bone when he’s not busy working with me. He doesn’t get a lot of time to be a ‘normal’ dog, so I try to give him a break every now and then.”

Of course she thought about the dog’s feelings. That was so _her_. Alison smiled. Emily pulled her cane up slightly.

“Plus, I usually don’t take him with me when I work out,” she added.

“Is that where you’re headed?”

That explained the attire. The _beautiful_ body-hugging attire. She took a moment to thank a higher power she didn’t believe in for whoever invented spandex.

“Yeah. You want to join me?”

“I was actually getting ready to go on a hike since it’s so nice out. Would you be interested in going with me?”

She bit her lip in anticipation. Her brain had kind of sprung the idea into her mind on the spur of the moment. She knew exactly where she wanted to take Emily. She wanted to get away from everything, but she wanted Emily with her when she did.

“Why not? The fresh air will be nice.” Emily agreed. “Lead the way.”

“Oh, so am I your new Ace?” Alison asked with a smile. _Oh, Christ. I just called myself her bitch. She probably thinks that I’m…_

“Depends. Are you good with commands?” Emily interrupted her thoughts.

Alison had to bite back a moan. Did this girl even understand what she was doing to her? Alison took a deep breath and then slid her arm around Emily’s so she could help guide her in where to go. She was so close to her that she could smell the remnants of the chlorine from the pool. She caught the scent of her body lotion mixed with it and it made her feel weak in the knees.

She tried to keep it together as she took a step forward, bringing Emily along with her. They started walking. It was silent for a few minutes as they slowly made their way to the trail. Emily decided to break the tension by asking the one question that made Alison _more_ tense.

“So, what’s up?” Emily asked. “You went radio silent after the game.”

Alison froze, her throat seizing up. Emily had said that to her in her dream. She had debated on telling her, but after her last nightmare her fear of losing Emily over her finding out the truth far outweighed her guilt. What would it _really_ change? And yeah, she knew it was partly selfish to keep it to herself, but she just couldn’t let Emily go.

Her eyes darted to the bracelet she’d given Emily. She was still wearing it. She actually _meant_ something to Emily. That’s a feeling she’d never experienced before.

“Everyone has just been all over me since the big win.” Alison lied. _No, wait. That sounds like you’ve been screwing half the team_. “I mean, everyone wants to keep going on and on about it. So I unplugged for a bit. Took your advice, actually.”

“I never said to unplug from actual reality. Just that I don’t _do_ technology.”

“Picky, picky.” Alison swatted her arm playfully. She saw Emily smile at the motion. “I’ve also been kind of busy on the home front. My parents have this huge charity mixer my brother and I are being forced into.”

She blathered on about the mixer until they got to the edge of the woods.

“So, the trail is pretty easy. But it takes about forty-five minutes to get to the edge, depending on how fast we walk. But there’s a lot of branches and roots, so I thought we’d just take it as it comes.”

“I’ll be fine, Alison.” Emily assured her. “I’ve got my trusty walking stick _and_ my guide-girl.”

Alison liked hearing Emily put the word “my” in front of “girl”, even if the word “guide” was jokingly thrown in the mix.

“I’ve just got to make a quick call to my mom to let her know I’m going to be out a little longer,” Emily said.

“Right. She worries.” Alison nodded.

“ _Worries_ is an understatement.” Emily laughed.

She called her mom to let her know she would be home late so Pam wouldn’t freak out. She told her she was hanging out with some friends. Telling her the truth would have sent her mother into an absolute panic,

_“Hey mom, I’m going into the woods with this girl I have the hots for, but don’t really know all that well. She may or may not have a plan to kill me horribly. Love you, bye.”_

After she hung up Alison looped her arm around Emily’s to help guide her along. Their embrace felt so natural…to both of them. Alison felt goosebumps littering her skin and creeping up her spine. She wondered if Emily could feel the tiny little hairs standing on end against their joined arms. If she did, she didn’t say anything.

“So, where are we going?” Emily asked.

“It’s a surprise. I’ll tell you when we get there.”

“Following someone I barely know into the woods. Every horror movie in the world has taught me what could possibly go wrong with this.” Emily chuckled. “You’re not bringing me out here to murder me and then chop me into tiny little pieces are you?”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not going to chop you up. That’s too much work. I’ll just stick you on a boat and set it on fire.”

“Ah, a noble Viking funeral.” Emily smiled. “I approve.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Alison just letting Emily listen to their surroundings. She thought about the first time she’d walked around with Emily at the park. The noises that Emily heard told a story and Alison didn’t want to interrupt the narration in her head. But she was prompted when she heard Emily laugh.

“What?” Alison asked eagerly, dying to know what was on her mind.

“I can hear chipmunks chirping. They’re like little stampeding children. I mean, I know they’re small, but for some reason they seem to defy all the laws of physics and make it sound like a bunch of toddlers recreating STOMP’s greatest hits.”

“There are three of them.” Alison watched the little scamps scurrying across the forest floor. “They’re chasing each other around.” She laughed. She watched as one of the three disappeared, thoroughly confusing the other two. “One of them just ran into this hollowed out log to hide. The other two don’t know what to do.” The mischievous chipmunk watched his little chipmunk buddies and Alison could just imagine him snickering at them. “He keeps poking his head out, but the other two don’t see him. He’s just watching them like ‘I mock you from my covert home, peasants’.”

She looked over at Emily and saw her smiling. She felt like melting into the forest floor. That smile was worth everything in the world. She described everything she could see to Emily.

They took their time. As they went deeper and deeper into nature they stopped to admire things like all the animals running through the leaves, open areas of sun gleaming through the treetops, and interesting vegetation that was growing on and around trees.

Emily’s body was invigorated by every sound and smell. She could hear the crunching of the sticks under their feet. She could smell the fall flowers in bloom. They took their time enjoying each other’s company. When they finally reached the end of their destination, Alison slowed Emily down.

“Tell me what you hear.” Alison walked with her, their bodies touching, their arms still woven together. Alison never wanted to let her go.

Emily listened, taking in the sounds of the forest. She could hear rustling in the trees where the birds were flittering around. Beyond that she could hear the sounds of a gentle trickle of water hitting a pool of some kind.

“I hear a waterfall.” Emily smiled.

The water. Alison had brought her to the water. It felt so reminiscent of the first time they’d met when they were kids. Emily slipped her backpack off and set it against the base of a tree.

“Spring Cove.” Alison replied.

“Oh, yeah, there’s a rope swing out here somewhere. I’ve heard some of the kids at school talk about it.”

“It’s about ten feet to your left.”

Emily slowly moved towards her left, her cane rubbing against the rock that was leading out to it.

“Um, you…you should probably be careful. The rocks can be slippery sometimes.” Alison slowly followed.

She didn’t want to be that overprotective douche that saw all the things that could go wrong, but she couldn’t help herself when it came to Emily.

Emily stopped right next to the rope. She could feel the sun beating down on her face. She loved the feel of the warm glow on her skin. She pulled her tank top off and was left in her navy colored thin-strapped sports bra, letting the sun hit her stomach. The way the light hit her nearly took Alison’s breath away. She was able to see her in much better light than she had in the locker room.

Alison was too busy trying to keep her jaw closed to say anything. Emily’s toned muscular abs were the stuff that Alison dreamed of. She hadn’t seen _those_ when Emily was in her bathing suit earlier. How had she gotten them? Did she just sit at home doing sit ups all day? She glanced at the tattoo again, but she still couldn’t quite make out what it was.

“How far is it?” Emily lingered near the edge, her fingers gripping her sunglasses.

It made Alison nervous.

“Pretty far.”

“You ever think about jumping in?” Emily questioned, a smirk on her face. She knew something Alison didn’t know.

“There are too many rocks and it’s too long of a drop. It’s too dangerous.” Alison frowned.

“I thought you liked danger.” Emily kicked her shoes off.

“I also like being alive.” Alison retorted, her nerves getting worse as she watched Emily rub her socks with her ankles until she was completely barefoot. She wasn’t really going to do it, was she? “The guys risk it all the time, but they’re big idiots, so…”

She watched as Emily moved closer to the edge. She pulled her sunglasses off and let the sun hit her face, closing her eyes to protect them from the rays. She could feel the breeze and smell the water.

“Em…” Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. “Emily, what are you doing?”

“Jumping in,” she said it so casually, like she jumped off of cliffs every day for sport.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good…”

Emily swung her arm out in search of the rope, easily finding it. Before Alison could stop her she was swinging off of the rocks. Alison felt like her heart was exploding inside her chest. Her heart leaped into her stomach when she saw Emily let go and disappear over the edge. She ran over and glanced down, frantically calling out her name, waiting for her to surface. She didn’t get a response.

“Oh, damn it. Emily?” Her voice echoed. Alison kicked her shoes off. “Fuck. Damn it, damn it! Emily!” Her shrieking voice echoed back at her, but still no answer.

She pushed herself up to the edge. Why wasn’t she answering? What if she’d hit her head? Was she dead? Oh, God. What if she was?

_I did not bring this girl out here to watch her kill herself…oh, fuck, if she drowns…oh my God…_

She could hear her pulse pounding in her head and every survival instinct in her body telling her not to do it, but she put one foot in front of the other and pushed off of the cliff. When she hit the water she immediately came up for air. It wasn’t as chilly as she was expecting it to be considering fall was right around the corner. The water still had a little bit of warmth to it. She was getting ready to shout Emily’s name, but she felt a warm current behind her. She turned around.

“Boo.” Emily was smiling at her from a hidden cove that couldn’t been seen from the rocks above.

Alison breathed a sigh of relief.

“You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were hurt. Why didn’t you answer me?”

“Would you have jumped in if I did?”

“Oh my God, you’re insane.” Alison huffed with a laugh. She palmed a large wave of water against Emily’s face. “We could have been killed.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Ali.” Emily smiled.

_Ali._ Usually she hated when people outside of her family called her that, but coming from Emily’s mouth it sounded right.

“You could have hit a rock or been attacked by piranhas or something.” Alison scolded her.

Her over-protection made Emily snigger.

“South American piranhas in Rosewood, Pennsylvania?” Emily snorted out a laugh, floating around Alison. “My, you have an imagination.”

“Do you often dive headfirst into uncharted waters?” Alison’s tone was alternating between frustrated and playful, because what if she’d gotten hurt?

“Ah, no.” Emily held up a finger to correct her. “Didn’t dive. I simply swung and jumped off of a rope that’s probably older than me.”

“You’ve been out here before, haven’t you?” Alison asked, piecing it together. Because there was no way anyone in their right mind would have taken a high dive off of the rocks into that cove without knowing what they were in for, blind or not.

“Bingo.” Emily nodded. “When I was little I used to come out here with Toby and Jenna all the time. Jenna was always too scared to jump. So Toby and I pushed her one day. She clung to the rope above the water for like twenty minutes before we convinced her to let go.”

_Toby and Jenna._

And there was the guilt Alison was trying to forget. Emily didn’t miss her sudden lack of conversation.

“You always do that,” Emily said.

“Do what?”

“Get quiet when I talk about my cousins.” Her face furrowed in thought. “Is there something going on with you and them? What happened? Did Jenna steal your lunch money in grade school or something? Toby look at you the wrong way on the playground?”

_Oh, if only you could have seen the stink-eye he gave me when we were in that language lab._ Alison thought to herself.

“No.” Alison shook her head. “It’s just…I was always kind of a bitch to them. And I don’t think they’d approve of you hanging out with a bad seed like me.”

She saw Emily drift closer, trying to gauge the distance between them. Emily kicked her feet a bit as she cautiously moved through the natural pool towards Alison’s voice. Her hands reached out under the water, one of her palms brushing against Alison’s side, touching her skin right where her tank top was riding up because of the water pressure. Her other hand landed on Alison’s other side, her fingers curling underneath her ribs. It sent tingles up the blonde’s spine. Her touch felt like a beautiful summer’s eve. Relaxing. Beautiful. Perfect.

Alison tentatively reached out and put her palms against Emily’s hips to steady her in the water, drawing her closer. She could feel the brunette’s muscles working as she lightly kicked to stay afloat. Emily smiled at her, part sweet, part seductive. Neither of them moved.

“I don’t think you’re a bad seed at all.” Emily argued.

_Well you haven’t met bitchy Queen Bee Alison DiLaurentis._

“Yeah, you don’t know the half of what I’ve screwed up.” She couldn’t pry her eyes away from Emily’s eyes.

“It doesn’t matter. We all screw up. We’re teenagers. It’s what we do. Hell, even adults screw up. They don’t know what they’re doing half the time. It’s just life. Nothing to beat yourself up over.” Emily shrugged. “Besides, whatever it is about Toby that bugs you, he’s never said a word to me about you.” Other than his normal overprotective bullshit. “Neither has Jenna.” Though that wasn’t _entirely_ true. Jenna had once called Alison a ‘twatwaffle that needed to be burned to a cunty crisp’ after they got into a fight over Jason’s honor. But that was in the past. “Alison, I’m sure it’s all in your head. I bet my family would like to meet you.”

Alison started to mull it over, _seriously_ consider it. She’d already met her dad and she really did like him. He seemed cool and down to earth. And her mom liked to cook. Maybe she could share some of her grandmother’s favorite recipes and see if Emily’s mom would help her make them.

“No pressure though.” Emily pulled away from Alison, finding a standing cove of water to float in on her back.

Alison watched her as she silently bobbed against the water, occasionally dipping close to the waterfall trickling in above them. Her eyes were closed, like she was at peace with the whole world. Alison watched her bathe in the warmth of the sun glistening on the water, somehow finding the spots of bright patches with perfect precision, like a meticulous cat.

The brunette looked so beautiful, so relaxed. Her hair was flowing, floating out beside her like it was part of the water. It bounced ever so softly with the current. Emily sat up once she reached the waterfall, her hand reaching out in search of the edge of it. She leaned back, letting the water wash over her like the spray of a shower.

Alison’s thighs pulsed at the sight of the water running over her. She could feel the lukewarm water around her bottom half rising in temperature as her body’s want for the girl screamed from the inside.

Emily ducked under the waterfall, disappearing for a few seconds before coming back up for air. She moved forward, running her fingers through her hair and all Alison could think about was how she truly did look like an exotic siren of the sea.

“You really do look like a mermaid.” Alison swam up next to her.

“I bet you say that to all of the girls you jump off of cliffs after.” Emily laughed.

“Just the crazy ones.”

They moved in closer. Emily reached up to run her fingers through her hair and Alison saw a lined scar she hadn’t seen before on the inner side of her right arm. It was barely noticeable because for the most part it hugged her body at an area that was usually covered by sleeves. It piqued her interest. But before she could draw attention to it, Emily broke the silence.

“So, why Spring Cove?” Emily asked.

“You like the water.” Alison didn’t even have to think twice about the answer.

“I do.” Emily smiled. “I actually had my first lesson with Coach Fulton in the school pool today.”

_Whaaat? No way! I totally wasn’t spying on you in the locker room._

“How was it?”

“It was okay.” Emily shrugged. “I like this better.” She smiled. “More nature. Less chemicals. And more…you.”

Alison closed the distance between them and reached for Emily’s arm.

“You know, I’ve gotten better at swimming since we were kids.”

She turned around and put Emily’s arm against her shoulder. She reached out and took her other hand and pulled it down around her stomach. Emily got the idea of what she was doing.

Alison slowly started to move forward into the deeper water, pulling Emily with her, Emily’s front flush with Alison’s back. Emily felt her toes leaving the bumpy underground and slowly being pulled into deeper territory away from the waterfall. She followed Alison’s movements. It was like a weightless dance.

“You’re not scared are you?” Alison asked.

“Please, who jumped in first?” Emily asked, though her grip around Alison had tightened a little bit because they were in the middle of the cove and Emily wasn’t sure which way was which anymore because the noise of the falls was echoing all around them.

Alison couldn’t help but smile at her confidence. She got the feeling that from here on out both of them would always jump in after the other.

They swam around the cove, Alison leading, looking back over her shoulder every so often to make sure Emily was still okay. Sometimes her eyes were open and sometimes they were closed.

After a while they drifted to the shore, finding a sunny spot on a large rock with graffiti etched all over it to dry off. Alison went to grab their things from the cliff and brought them down to where they’d settled.

Emily pulled a small towel out of her bag, just a little bit larger than a hand towel. She offered it to Alison to dry her face and arms and legs. Then Emily did the same. She dug around in the side pocket of her bag until she found a small bottle of eye drops. Alison watched as she lubricated her eyes with them.

“How often do you have to put drops in your eyes?” Alison felt a wave of guilt rolling over her.

“Every six to eight hours, but I’m supposed to apply them more if I go around longer without my sunglasses. Or if my eyes start to feel scratchy and dry.”

“Do they feel okay now?” Alison asked tentatively.

“They’re fine.” She nodded.

She put her sunglasses back on and reached into her bag to find her brush. She knew if she didn’t tame her hair then it would turn into a huge tangled mess as it dried. Alison sipped her water and watched her quietly.

They bathed in the sun as their clothing started to dry. Alison mindlessly ran her fingers over the lettered graffiti on the rock. It was all colors and shapes and sizes. Lovers past and present came out to put their initials on it. It was a dumb tradition, but one that Alison kind of understood now. Because when your feelings for someone were strong enough, nothing you did together was dumb.

Emily could hear the stream trickling, a waterfall in the distance. It was calm. Quiet. In her mind she could see the sunlight breaking through the trees dancing in the water like beautiful shards of stained glass. It was so quiet that she almost forgot that she was with Alison. The blonde was being insanely quiet. Emily couldn’t see her, but she felt her eyes on her.

“What’s on your mind?” Emily questioned, sitting up.

_You._ Alison smiled, wanting so badly to lean forward and touch her lips to Emily’s. _Always you. Constantly you. And sometimes Lady Gaga._

“Do you know where we are?” Alison questioned, pushing herself up against her palms.

“Spring Cove.”

“No, the rock that we’re sitting on…” Alison drifted off, feeling slightly nervous at the mention of it. “The kissing rock?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard all the legends about it.” Emily sounded dismissive, skeptical.

“Legends?” Alison feigned being offended. “No, it’s all totally true. People have been sneaking out here to the kissing rock for hundreds of years.”

“Bullshit.” Emily laughed. “You’re making that up.”

“Just because I’m making it up doesn’t mean it’s not true.” Alison shrugged. “Supposedly you come out here with somebody and you can feel the ghosts of the other lovers spying on you pushing you to do it.” She leaned closer to Emily.

“Really?” Emily faced Alison. She could feel Alison’s eyes glued to her face. She didn’t know it, but Alison was licking her lips. “Well, unlike that kid in that Bruce Willis flick I _don’t_ see dead people.” She smirked.

If Alison wanted to kiss her, she didn’t want it to be because of some stupid legend. She wasn’t going to be duped into that juvenile stuff. She wanted it to be real. Not some game. Not because they thought they were _supposed_ to, but because they _wanted_ to.

Alison was intrigued by her response. She’d given her the perfect opening. But Emily didn’t take the bait.

“Guess we’ll be disappointing the ghosts.” Alison chuckled. “Sorry, Casper. No free peep show for you.”

“Yep, go to your nearest strip joint and pay for it like every other perverted undead person in the world.” Emily added with a huge grin.

A phone went off, ruining the moment. Emily recognized the personalized ringtone.

“That would be my mother calling to make sure I haven’t been swallowed by the big bad world.”

She reached into her bag and dug around until she found her phone. She answered and talked to her mother for a few seconds, going very basic with ‘yes’ and ‘yes, ma’am’. After she hung up she laughed in slight embarrassment.

“As long as I’m living her baby I’ll be.” Emily shrugged.

“That’s a kid’s book, isn’t it?”

“Mmhmm, _Love You Forever._ My mom used to read it to me all the time when I was little.”

“I’m not going to lie, your parents sound really awesome.”

“Yeah, I’m lucky.” Emily nodded, her smile fading, something weighing on her mind.

Alison was intrigued by her change in tone.

“Something wrong?”

“No.” Emily replied, almost too quickly. She sighed. “It’s just…sometimes when my phone rings and it’s my mom calling I worry that it’s about my dad.”

“About him having to go back overseas?”

Emily nodded.

“I’m sorry. That’s probably really hard for you guys.”

“It’s part of it,” Emily said, putting up a tough exterior that Alison could see right through.

“I hope it doesn’t happen again any time soon. But if it does I want you to know that I’ll be there for you. Whatever you need.”

“Thanks.” Emily smiled weakly.

There was a lingering silence between them. Alison didn’t like it. She tried to start the conversation up again. Her eyes were drawn to the black ink near Emily’s right breast. She’d seen a peek of it in the water, too. The thin strap of her sports bra was covering a portion of it. It was tiny, but it was there. Two little hearts linked together.

“So, you said you’d tell me about your tattoo?” Alison asked.

Emily cleared her throat. It sounded like she was choking back tears. Alison peered at her and she saw something she had not seen before. Vulnerability. Emily came off as a very strong person, and she was. But there was something more beneath the surface. Seeing her emotionally exposed in such a raw way struck a chord in Alison. Alison knew how it felt to wear a mask for people. And it humbled her to know that Emily felt comfortable enough with her to let all pretenses fall away. But it upset her to hear Emily in any kind of distress. She wasn’t sure if it was her dad or the mention of the tattoo that had rattled her.

“Or…um, we could talk about something else?”

“No. No, it’s fine.” Emily reached up, her fingers searching for where her skin felt slightly different on her right collar bone. “I got it right before I turned sixteen.”

She remembered picking it out. It was right before she’d lost her vision. It was actually one of the last things she could remember seeing with perfect distinction.

“How’d you manage to talk uber-protective mom into that one?” Alison asked, remembering what Emily had said about her parents knowing about her tattoo.

Emily chuckled softly.

“How I manage to talk her into everything. Uber-guilt.” She was smiling, but it was a sad smile. “It’s in memory of someone I lost.”

Emily felt tears stinging her eyes. She pulled her sunglasses off of her face and set them down beside her so she could rub her eyes. It took every ounce of self-control Alison had to not reach out and touch her cheek and wipe away her tears.

“Her name was Maya. She died when I was fifteen.”

Hearing the pain in Emily’s voice brought out a soft protective instinct inside of Alison. Normally, she’d feel catty about the fact that someone had been on Emily’s radar, that someone had touched her in such an emotional way, but something about the way Emily spoke about Maya made Alison feel something she’d never realized she _could_ feel: sympathy.

She saw Emily’s jaw tighten as she fought back her emotions.

Self-control be damned. Alison put her hand on top of Emily’s and reached up to brush away a stray tear that Emily had missed. Emily closed her eyes, trying to memorize the feel of Alison’s touch. It was something that felt familiar. Like home. But it was also something new and sweet, and something she never wanted to forget.

“I’m so sorry.” Alison tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. She felt like shit for even asking her about it.

“After she died I begged my parents to let me do something in remembrance of her. Mom was really hesitant at first, but dad…” She smiled, “…he has one of his own. His army tat. He understood my need to always have a piece of her with me. He talked her into it for me. So right before my sixteenth birthday they signed the waiver and let me do it.”

Alison wanted to ask all about Maya. She wanted to know who she was. Why she was special. What had happened. How she could help her heart heal. But instead she just held her hand. She lowered her palm away from her cheek, her fingers lingering over the tattoo.

“May I?” Alison asked.

Emily nodded and Alison reached down, carefully moving the strap of her sports bra aside. She was surprised to find a scar below the ink, a thin white blemish on her otherwise unmarred chest.

She traced her fingertips against the tattoo. Alison had always seen tattoos as hot. A rebellious sort of sexiness. But on Emily it was just beautiful and pure. She’d done it to _honor_ someone. Not just as some act to try and be cool. It _meant_ something. She looked at it for what felt like forever, trying to imagine what it must be like to lose someone you cared about.

She ran her finger across the scar, which was interwoven with the ink. Her eyes caught the edge of the similar looking faded cut on the inner part of Emily’s upper arm. The scars traveled in a similar trajectory. The one on her arm almost aligned exactly with the one by her collar bone. It looked like she’d been cut by something, or stabbed. Maybe even grazed by a bullet. Then again, it didn’t matter how she’d gotten it. It mattered that someone had hurt her. Someone that Alison was going to kill horribly when she found them...

_Who would do such a thing?_ Alison thought murderously. _Who would dare do this to my perfect angel_ …

And then she looked up and saw Emily’s eyes. And she remembered. She’d blinded her. She looked at her scars again, her index finger lingering against the edge of the one on her collar bone. She wanted to ask what had happened. But what if it was something that had occurred during the explosion? What if she was responsible? She couldn’t live with any more guilt.

She traced the hearts, and then touched the scar. She saw Emily’s skin quiver. Alison felt tears stinging her own eyes. It’s like she could feel Emily’s pain.

“I’m sorry about Maya,” she said quietly.

“It was hard on me.” It still lurked in the darkest parts of her mind. It still affected her to this day, in more ways than one. “She was very special to me.”

Alison really wanted to ask how special. Had she been more than a friend? A girlfriend? Maybe someone Emily was in love with?

Emily could feel Alison’s hot breath against her neck as she leaned closer to admire the tattoo. When Alison looked up at her, their faces were just inches apart. Emily’s smooth brown eyes were parallel to Alison’s eyes. Their lips were hovering next to one another. Emily was just _there_.

In the back of her mind Alison could hear whispers telling her what to do. The ghosts. Emily may have not believed in the power of the ghosts, but Alison certainly did.

What happened next was a mixture of Alison’s libido and Emily’s need for comfort in that very moment. Alison was the one who moved forward first. Before they knew it, their lips were touching. Alison thought Emily might pull away, but instead she pushed back.

Something inside of Alison’s body jazzed through her veins. She saw sparks, fucking _fireworks_ exploding in her field of vision. All the cheesy romance movies she’d seen had been right about that cliché. The colors she saw were bright and dazzling and the world around them faded. All that existed was her and Emily in their own little universe.

Alison pushed against her and Emily melted into it. Alison’s lips were smooth and silky and they tasted like vanilla and cinnamon. Emily felt one of Alison’s hands against the nape of her neck and the other against her ribcage, moving down her side. Her fingers were warm and soft. Her touch made Emily shiver.

Emily reached up and found Alison’s cheek, the blonde’s soft hair falling in waves against it. She pushed her hand against Alison’s face and reached up and found the side of her neck with her other palm. Alison moaned into her mouth at the sensation of Emily’s touch. The sheer pleasure of Alison’s joy made Emily moan back against Alison’s mouth, which sent a direct spark down to Alison’s core.

Emily followed Alison’s jaw line, placing a line of kisses down until she reached her neck. Alison turned her head and reached up with her hand, running it through Emily’s wet hair. She encouraged Emily’s kisses by gently pushing the back of brunette’s head, moving her lips further against her skin. Alison turned her face, stretching her neck to give Emily’s mouth better access, because _God_ it felt good. It’s like every move she made was a motion that existed for the two of them and only them.

“Ghosts, huh?” Emily smirked against the thin skin on Alison’s neck.

Alison felt every motion of her lips and it nearly sent her into a frenzy. Alison’s breathing started getting heavier. Emily’s touch was everything she could have hoped for and more. She huffed out,

“Thought you didn’t want to…”

“I lied.” Emily replied against her skin. It tasted so divine, like sweet cream and sea salt.

Emily felt Alison’s fingers tracing her outer thigh and running up against her ribcage and she exhaled the most erotic noise Alison had ever heard. Alison dipped her head down to kiss Emily’s tattooed scar, her lips delicately grazing it, thinking of the pain she carried...and how she wanted to make that pain disappear with her kiss, how she would take her agony away if she could.

And Emily felt it. She could feel it in her heart. Alison’s lips moved against the top of Emily’s sports bra, near her right breast. She was fascinated by it. What had happened to Maya? What had happened to _her_? Who had done this to her? Why?

She pecked the scar and Emily shivered. Her mouth left a trail of tingles in its wake as she slowly moved up against Emily’s neck.

Their lips clashed again and Alison shuddered at the contact of their mouths ghosting over each other. Her gaze flickered down towards Emily’s lips as they moved in to deepen the kiss. Neither girl showed signs of slowing down. Emily felt a heated fire in her chest that she’d never felt before.

Alison was completely enamored by Emily’s gentle nature. Unlike with Noel, the embrace was heated and passionate and was being driven by an emotional force beyond lust. It’s like they were being pulled together like some kind of magnet, like they belonged.

They both turned, their bodies starting to get much closer. Their breathing became more and more erratic. Alison’s fingers lingered near Emily’s scorching hot inner thigh. She gave the tender skin where Emily’s thigh met the inside of her pelvis a gentle squeeze and Emily shuddered out an uneven breath into her mouth.

She took note of the fact that it was one of Emily’s sweet spots. Alison smiled, pushing her fingers against the spot again, this time earning a moan from Emily. She moved her fingers further along her inner thigh, her thumb slowly moving towards the moistened dip in her yoga pants. Alison could almost _see_ her arousal through the thin material and she heard her thoughts going nuts.

_OhmyGod, this can’t be real. Is this real? This feels like a dream. She’s perfect. She’s so perfect._

But then something hit Alison. An internal brick wall. A flash of light, not unlike an explosion. This wasn’t like anything she’d ever experienced with Noel or Ben or even Cece. Emily had some kind of hold over her, and Emily didn’t even _know_ her…what she was truly capable of. Who she truly was.

_What are you doing, Alison?_ She screamed at herself in thought.

She barely knew Emily. She was still trying to figure out what she meant to her. She was still wrestling with her feelings of guilt.

_This is wrong._ Emily wasn’t just one of her toys. _You can’t do this to her. You’re going to screw her up. She deserves something more._

This couldn’t happen, not like this. She had to change first. She had to be better. She had to be deserving of the beauty in front of her. This had to more than just hooking up. She needed Emily to know what she _felt_.

“Wait…” Alison pulled away just as quickly as their lips had first met. She panted against Emily’s mouth, her fingers still hooked against Emily’s yoga pants. “We…I…I shouldn’t have done that.” Alison cleared her throat.

“No. It was nice.” Emily smiled, her lips, her entire _body_ , still buzzing from their encounter. Her chest was heaving up and down.

“I know, but…I think it might have given you the wrong idea.” The words tore at Alison’s heart as she said them out loud. “We…we just met, Emily. And you…” She huffed with a smile, “…you’re incredible. But there’s a lot you don’t know…about me.” _About the broken fucking people I leave in my wake._ “And I think it’s best if we’re just friends right now.”

Emily was disappointed to hear it. Her feelings…and the way Alison had touched her had told her otherwise. But she didn’t know the full story. Maybe Alison was afraid, though of what she couldn’t be sure of. But one thing she was sure of was that in her heart, she felt something for Alison. And Alison felt the same way. So whatever it was that was holding her back, Emily was willing to work through it. She understood Alison’s plight. She understood what it felt like to be scared and out of control in love. Because Emily had a secret of her own. And she wasn’t sure Alison would be able to deal with it, that she would _want_ to deal with it.

But she didn’t want to go back to a life before she had run into Alison that day at the park. Because that day had changed everything for her. So if Alison wasn’t ready to do this, then Emily was just going to have to deal with it. If it meant they could only be friends, she was going to have to take that hit.

For now.

But it still hurt.

“I’m fine with that.” She reached down and felt around for her sunglasses, just to do something with her nervous energy.

Alison could see the pained look on her face, and she felt like a complete asshole. Emily felt Alison’s hand on top of hers, making her suddenly still her motions.

“It’s not you, I swear.” Alison could tell that Emily was confused and upset. “I just…well, I know you probably know about my reputation by now. I’m not the best when it comes to this kind of thing. I don’t really do relationships…or girlfriends. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“It’s fine, Alison.” But she felt a ripple of pain in her chest.

Alison could hear the sadness in her voice, and she was kicking herself for it. She just couldn’t stop causing her pain. But it was better she hurt her this way now than to hurt her worse further down the line.

“Emily,” she said, but then she froze. She had no idea what she wanted to say, how she could fix it.

Emily saved her the trouble. She pushed herself to her feet and felt around for her cane.

“We should go. It’s getting late. We shouldn’t be wandering around in the woods after dark.”

Alison silently helped Emily gather up her belongings. She grabbed Emily’s sunglasses, which had fallen off to the side of the rock when they’d been kissing. She put her palm on Emily’s arm and pushed her fingers into her open hand. Their fingertips touched, a feeling much like static electricity surging through the both of them. And it took everything Alison had not to take Emily’s face into her palms and kiss her again. She licked her lips nervously.

“You won’t tell anyone about this, will you?”

Another bolt of disappointment shot through Emily. Perhaps it was fear that Alison felt about her feelings. Perhaps it was shame. Maybe she was ashamed of her. Had she been wrong about Alison? Had her friends been right? She didn’t know what to think. She slipped her shades back on to try and hide the emotional tears filling her eyes.

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“I just…I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about you.” Alison was trying to protect her, but she didn’t know how to explain it. “People in Rosewood can be really ruthless.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. Her lips were in a tight grimace. “They can be.”

Alison knew it was a shot at her. But she knew she deserved the hit. She deserved worse, actually. But that didn’t change her feelings for the girl.

As they walked away, Alison glanced back at the decorated rock. Her eyes fell upon a freshly painted heart with the initials _EF & AD_ inside of it. She’d doodled it two days ago when she’d come out to the rock to think about things. She sighed, her eyes lingering on the graffiti.

_“You have a crush, baby sister.”_ Her brother had teased this morning.

But Jason was wrong. She didn’t have a crush. This girl was holding her heart in her hands. Alison DiLaurentis was in love. And she knew that it was going to end in heartbreak. She just assumed it would be Emily’s. She had no idea that it wasn’t Emily’s heart that was the one in danger of the vulnerabilities that came with heartache.

It was hers.


	8. Wait and See

* * *

**Chapter 8:**

**Wait and See**

The first thing Alison did when she got home was run past Jason so she didn’t have to be subjected to his criticism or listen to him ridicule her _love_. The second thing she did was look for a text from Emily. She was dying to call her and tell her it had all been a misunderstanding. But had it? Nothing she’d told her was untrue. She had meant what she’d said about getting to know one another.

She brought her fingertips up to her mouth and started absentmindedly gnawing on the tip of her thumbnail. She chewed and picked with her teeth until there was nothing left but the soft nail bed beneath her nail. Then she heard her mother’s voice in her head,

_“Alison, that’s a terrible habit! It’s so unseemly! We simply will not have it in this house!”_

Alison mentally flipped her mother the bird, because she wasn’t home, and _fuck her_. She was away fucking some young intern to get back at her dad for fucking his secretary.

God, her life was so fucked up.

Alison’s fingers tapped impatiently against her mattress. She grasped her phone and started typing away.

_“I screwed up, Cece.”_

She had to wait an agonizing forty minutes for a reply from her best and...really… _only_ friend,

_“With Americano?”_

Alison frowned at her response. Why couldn’t Cece just call Emily by her name? It annoyed her. And that’s precisely why Cece did it.

 _“I kissed her.”_ Alison replied.

_“So, what’s the problem?”_

_“The problem is that I felt something. ALL kinds of somethings.”_ Things she’d never felt before.

_“And that’s a problem because?”_

_“Because…”_ She sent, pausing before continuing, _“…because I’m the devil in love with an angel.”_

It’s like some ethereal being was taunting her and laughing at her pain. And she resented it.

 _“Oh, please, Alison. Get over yourself. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Stop punishing yourself. Let Emily do that for you.”_ A devil wink emoji followed up by a cop holding handcuffs, followed by a face with its tongue sticking out.

Of course Cece would _finally_ use her name, but in a sexual context.

_“You don’t understand. I like…REALLY screwed up. God, she’ll probably never want to touch me again.”_

_“Oh, there was touching, too? Do tell!”_

_“Shut up, perv. Not like that.”_ Alison threw in a frowny face and an angry emoji for emphasis. _“I freaked out and acted like a total spaz. And now I have no idea what to do. She makes me feel…ugh, I don’t even fucking know. I hate this so much.”_

_“You really like this girl?”_

_“I really do.”_ There was absolutely no hesitance in her response.

There was a pause and then three little blinking dots on Cece’s end indicating that she was either typing a message back or staring at her screen and was unsure of what to say. The first was more likely. Cece had an opinion about everything.

The little bubble with her message appeared,

_“Okay, here’s what you do.”_

Another pause. More annoying-ass dots.

 _“Give it time.”_ Cece added to her message.

 _“Really? That’s it? That’s all you got? Some expert you are.”_ She followed it with an emoji rolling its eyes.

_“No. Seriously. Let it blow over. It’s high school, sweetie. Just trust me. You’ll get your shot with her. If you truly like her and she feels the same way it will happen. So just let it happen naturally.”_

Alison fell back on to her bed and grabbed her pillow, letting out a frustrated scream into the soft downy fabric. She hated love. It was stupid and irrational. And she was impatient. She wanted to be with Emily, but not without first coming to terms with her feelings. _Feelings_. They were stupid, too. It was her dumb feelings that had caused her to act impulsively with Emily, like she _always_ did.

And now she had to _fix_ things because she couldn’t imagine living without Emily in her life. And time was like _the worst_ punishment. But Cece knew a thing or two. She’d always been a little more advanced than the rest of the girls at Rosewood High. She’d lost her virginity when she was like thirteen and she’d boasted about the older crowd she hung out with all the time. She’d spent a ton of time at college parties and she’d learned a lot. So Alison knew that if anyone knew how to let things fall in to place, it was Cece.

So Alison prepared herself for the inevitable wait.

She assumed Emily would completely freeze her out, but she didn’t. They crossed paths at school the next day and Emily was polite. But that’s where their conversation ended. Not to mention their texts and calls had stopped. It felt like the end of the world to Alison. She didn’t realize that Emily was trying to do the right thing by giving her time and space to figure things out.

Alison wasn’t used to delayed gratification. She’d always gotten things how she wanted them when she wanted them. It was really frustrating to try it Cece’s way.

Still, she waited. And things were awkward between them at first, but after a few days they warmed to each other’s company again. They started texting, though it was short and concise and usually about things that happened at school.

It was Emily who finally took the first big step back into their friendship by walking over to Alison in the cafeteria a week after Spring Cove. With five words she easily weaseled her way back into Alison’s heart, though to be fair, all Emily had to do was smile at her to make Alison feel like a soft puddle of goo.

Alison had been waiting for Emily to come around. She felt like it was important to let her go at her own pace. So when Emily approached her in the cafeteria Alison felt herself quaking on the inside, because she’d been waiting for what felt like forever to hang out with her again. So when Emily said those five words, Alison jumped at the chance.

“Got room for one more?” Emily stopped at her table, knowing she was being watched, knowing that Noel and Ben were checking her out and ribbing one another, knowing that Spencer was trying to piece her together like a puzzle.

Of course, what Alison said was the law, so all she had to do was smile at Emily and reply,

“How about two?” Alison pushed a chair out and timidly reached for Emily’s arm, knowing damn well what it was going to do to her when she touched her. When her fingertips curled around Emily’s forearm, they both smiled, trying not to blush. “You can sit at the end so there’s room for Ace. Wouldn’t want him to feel left out.”

She noticed that Emily was still wearing her bracelet. So as badly as she thought she’d botched things up, maybe all wasn’t completely lost.

She moved down to give up her seat at the head of the table. Everyone at the table had to do a double take. Hell, everyone in the cafeteria had to do a double take. Alison glanced around, daring anyone to say anything. No one did.

“Thanks.” Emily smiled, settling into her seat. It was still warm from Alison’s body heat.

She’d had her reservations about letting herself get too close to Alison, but she knew it wasn’t fair to be mad at Alison for pulling away when she was sitting on a powder keg full of secrets of her own.

Noel and Ben spent the entirety of their lunch staring at Emily’s cleavage. And the idiots might as well have been drooling. Alison hated it. The way they kept objectifying her without her knowing. Or maybe she did know. Emily was perceptive like that. But either way, Emily was doing her best not to ruffle any feathers as she tried to feel the situation out.

Alison didn’t have the patience. She’d already made the decision to phase the horndogs out of her inner-circle. After all, things were going to change with Emily around. Noel would screw anything that moved, and Ben had already tried to make a move on her.

She saw Ben biting his lip and staring at Emily with desire. She kicked him under the table, hard enough to leave a bruise. When he looked up Alison smiled innocently at him.

“Sorry, my bad. Leg cramp.” She shrugged, staring at him, just begging him to test her, because the next “leg cramp” would earn him a foot in his balls, and he knew it.

Ben held her gaze for all of half a second while he rubbed his shin. Then he turned his attention back to Emily and tried to make small-talk, with a very bad off-color quip.

“So blind _and_ Asian. Bet you’re a bang up driver.”

“Whoa.” Spencer frowned.

 _You ignorant fuckwad. I will murder you._ Alison glared at him.

Noel was the only one who had the gall to laugh. When Noel saw that no one else was laughing he immediately stopped. When his joke didn’t land, Ben cleared his throat and chuckled nervously.

Normally Emily was the first person to fall into the humor of the situation, but Alison could see that something about the boys made her nervous. And she didn’t like it.

 _You don’t deserve to be in her presence._ Alison eyed them.

They had to go. After today, it was over.

“I…I was kidding, Fields. You don’t even look _that_ Asian…”

 _Christ, he’s a fucking moron._ Alison shook her head.

She saw Spencer gawk at Ben and then glance at her mouthing an exaggerated _“wooow”_.

“…or blind for that matter. You’re like…super tall, and as far as the blind thing…”

 _Oh, it’s a THING?_ Alison’s nostrils flared in anger.

“…you get around really well. It was just a joke.”

“Maybe you should stop talking.” Alison suggested. “Words are coming out of your mouth. That’s never a good thing.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it.” He insisted. “You totally don’t look blind…” He sputtered nervously, desperately trying to pull his foot out of his mouth.

“Yeah, well, you don’t look stupid, but I’m pretty sure you are.” Alison bit back angrily. _She’s beautiful and whole and perfect and I love her and if you come for her I’ll come right back at you, claws sharpened._

But Emily didn’t need Alison to be her gallant princess riding in to save her. She came back at Ben herself, her idea of trying to be diplomatic falling by the wayside.

“Racist _and_ ignorant. Bet you’ll be a hell of a politician one day.” Emily grinned back at Ben.

 _That_ landed. Everyone at the table snickered. But Ben frowned and looked down at his food.

Alison kicked him again, harder this time, making sure that the heel of her shoe hit the bony part of his knee. She could feel it tear at the skin underneath his sweatpants. She saw him cringe and then glare at her.

 _Fucking apologize or die._ Her gaze warned.

“Sorry, Emily. Wasn’t trying to offend you.” He muttered.

“Seriously, dude. Were you born that dumb or do you have to work to maintain it?” Spencer frowned at Ben.

“God, what is with you all this morning? Are you all on your periods or something?” He mumbled.

“Say that again?” _I dare you._ Alison gripped her fork. She was thinking very violent thoughts. Like ‘four prongs in his eyeball’ kind of violent thoughts.

Ben didn’t answer. He went back to eating his lunch like the well-trained monkey that he was. He glanced at Noel with an annoyed look on his face that clearly said, _‘thanks for the back up, bro. Not!’_

When the first bell rang to signal the end of lunch the boys ran off like scared little puppies. Spencer slowly stood up. She glanced at Emily and then at Alison.

She hadn’t missed the change in her cousin since she’d met Emily. She was still trying to figure out if the change was for the better. Alison had been a little flighty at practice the other day. Spencer felt like something had shifted between Emily and Alison.

She also hadn’t missed Alison staring at Emily’s lips the entire time they were eating. And now that Spencer knew that Alison and Emily had once run into one another at the pool when they were kids all she could think about was how giddy Alison had been that day.

Spencer had been diving for rings, competing with her older sister to see which one of them could get the most. She’d come up for air just in time to see a dark haired little girl swimming away from Alison. Alison had a strange look on her face, so Spencer had gone over to check on her.

_“Are you okay?”_

_“Huh?”_ Alison had turned to face her, still dazed by how pretty Emily was. _“I thought you were with Melissa.”_

_“She’s cheating. I don’t want to play with her anymore. Who was that girl?”_

_“I don’t know, but she has really pretty hair, and even prettier lips. They looked really soft.”_ Alison’s face reddened. _“I swallowed some water and couldn’t stop coughing and she came over and helped me get to the side. I like her. She made me feel warm…and happy.”_

_“Wanna go play with her?”_

_“Mmm…”_ She’d smacked her lips together and smiled. _“I wanna marry her. But I gotta get a ring first.”_

 _“Here.”_ Spencer had handed Alison one of the thick plastic colored diving rings she was holding. It was yellow.

Seconds later Jason had leaped into the pool shouting _“Cannon ball!”_ splashing the girls and making them mad. They’d started swimming after him to try and dunk him under the water. They’d lost sight of Emily that day, but she’d never left the depths of Alison’s mind. And Spencer could see that now more than ever.

She remembered exactly how Alison had looked at Emily that day. She had the same look in her eyes now.

“Don’t be late to practice,” Spencer said, grabbing her things.

“Sir, yes sir.” Alison feigned a salute.

“Don’t do that. You know I hate that.” Spencer rolled her eyes.

“I know.” Alison smirked.

Spencer scowled at her. Whatever had changed within Alison hadn’t changed her _that_ much. She was still a snarky little shit. Spencer walked off and left Alison to finish up her lunch with Emily.

It was quiet for a few seconds. Neither girl really had much to say to one another since their day at the kissing rock. And they hadn’t been alone since then. Emily had taken the first step to try and get their friendship back on track, so Alison figured that the least she could do was break the ice.

“I’m sorry about Ben.”

Emily stopped moving her fork around and turned towards the sound of Alison’s voice.

“Why are you apologizing? He’s the one who acted like a racist jackass.” To be honest, it wasn’t a surprise to Emily. Ben had always been kind of a dick. She knew that _“we all change over the years”_ act he’d put on for her was bullshit.

“Yeah, but he was like _way_ out of line. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll be hanging out with him and Noel anymore. I never realized just how insensitive they are.”

“I’m used to it.” Emily admitted. “I’ve heard shit like that all my life.”

“It doesn’t make it okay.”

And just like that Alison was considering just how many similar comments she had made through the years. How many times had she been _just_ like Ben? She’d been around it practically her entire life. She could remember being four years old and hearing her mother saying something derogatory about a cashier from India and her mother’s friends had just laughed and laughed. But that cashier had been a person. It wasn’t right to cut other people down, for _any_ reason.

“No.” Emily agreed. “But at the very least it differentiates an honorable person from someone with no values and principles. When I meet people it doesn’t take me long to figure out who they really are.”

Alison gulped and swallowed hard. Because who she was wasn’t a great person.

“It’s not what’s on the outside that I’m interested in. If you’re not a good person inside…” She shrugged as if to say ‘oh, well’ to finish her statement.

 _Then why the hell do you like me?_ Alison thought to herself. She suddenly realized that she cut _herself_ down as well. _Man, the self-hatred with me is really strong. No wonder I’m such a bitch._

“Do you think it’s possible for people to change for the better?” Alison asked hopefully.

Emily smiled.

“Of course. People do bad things.” Emily bit her lip. Alison found her reaction interesting, like she was holding back something dark. “Doesn’t mean they’re bad people. I may be a pragmatist, but I like to dream. I think everyone deserves a fair shot.”

“Everyone but Ben.” Alison quickly added.

“Everyone but Ben. He’s a lost cause.” Emily chuckled.

“You really cleaned his clock with that clapback.” Alison laughed.

“You gave me the opening with your zinger.” Emily admitted.

“We make a good team, Emily Fields.” Before she knew what she was doing she reached out and put her hand on top of Emily’s.

Emily glanced her way. Alison pulled her hand away and cleared her throat in embarrassment.

“Sorry. I…”

“You’ve really got to stop apologizing for being human.” Emily interrupted her.

Alison blushed and then laughed. She looked at Emily and then at the thinning crowd in the cafeteria. It was starting to get quiet.

“We should get to class.” Emily started cleaning up.

“Look, about the other day at Spring Cove…” Well, she’d just gone and blurted it out. She mentally kicked herself.

Emily stopped her motions. Alison could see that it hit a nerve with her, so of course she _continued_ blathering like an idiot.

“I owe you an explanation…”

“Don’t worry about it.” Emily held her hand up to stop her from talking.

 _Don’t worry about it?_ Alison thought. _DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT? What the hell does that mean?_

Had it not meant as much to Emily as it had to her? Had she just forgotten about it and moved on? Did she care?

“No, I want you to know that I didn’t intend…” _Why does she make me so fucking nervous?_ “When we went out there…that whole thing about the kissing rock, I just…I didn’t mean we had to. You were there and you just looked so beautiful and I…I was impulsive…”

 _Just stop talking._ Alison warned herself.

But she couldn’t, because she didn’t want Emily thinking that she was just another random hook-up in her life.

“And I’m so sorry if I…”

“Alison, stop,” Emily said, her cheeks still flushed from hearing Alison call her beautiful. “You didn’t take advantage of me, if that’s what you’re thinking.” She’d wanted it just as much as Alison, probably more-so.

“No. I know. I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t doing it because I felt like I had to. I felt…” She _felt_ something for her. Why was it so hard for her to say it? “I just…I wanted you to know that I don’t think it was a mistake.”

That caught Emily’s attention.

“I know what people think of me…” Alison sighed.

She didn’t know that Emily thought the world of her. She didn’t know how deep the brunette’s feelings for her truly were.

“I don’t listen to what other people say.” Emily reached out, moving her hand against Alison’s.

Alison’s pulse automatically increased in speed. She smiled at Emily’s touch. Emily made sure she really had her attention before she continued,

“I’ve learned to rely on my instincts…” _And my idiotic heart._ Which was bound to get her in trouble with Alison. “I appreciate you trying to explain, but you don’t have to justify anything. I understand. We can blame it on the ghosts,” Emily said with a wry smile.

“Ah, those horny pervy ghosts.” Alison squeezed Emily’s hand.

Emily squeezed back. Alison traced her finger over the bracelet she’d given her.

“You’re still wearing it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Emily asked. “We’re still friends, aren’t we?”

“Yeah.” But there was a sadness in her undertone.

Emily didn’t miss it. But she didn’t push it either.

“So,” Emily said after a few seconds, pushing herself to her feet. “Same time tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here.”

From that day on Emily had a place next to Alison. And her place at the table gradually opened up a place for Hanna. Mona and Aria sat with them sometimes, too, but a lot of the time they ate off-campus to meet up with Ezra and Aria’s older brother, Mike, who was dating Mona.

As the weeks progressed they started hanging out more. Alison and Emily continued their friendship, though Alison tried to keep a clear line drawn between how close she would allow herself to get to the brunette.

Every time she saw her she had to remind herself not to leap into her arms and push her mouth against Emily’s. Sometimes she’d look at her and think about what she wouldn’t give to taste her again.

But they stayed in friendly territory. They took walks. They talked. They studied for the SATs together, though Alison was always nervous when they were studying at her house because she was afraid Jason would say something to chase Emily off. He never did. He was very cordial. Despite hating her cousins, he seemed to like her.

Emily was equally as nervous when they were at her house because she was afraid that her parents would do something to embarrass her. Her dad watched them from afar. Her mom usually made snacks for them, but Emily knew her ulterior motive was to spy on them.

They also hung out with their friends, which was interesting at first. Aria knew both Emily and Hanna _and_ Alison and Spencer, so she was the little bunny caught in the middle of two very different kinds of cliques of people.

Alison and Hanna didn’t like each other, but they stayed civil with one another for Emily’s sake. They both cared about the brunette and they were able to put aside their differences and hang around each other without ripping each other’s hair out, though they often traded quips and low-blows and side-eyed one another.

Hanna and Spencer had clashed at first. One overbearing blonde was Spencer’s limit. She wasn’t a fan of Hanna’s lack of a filter, nor her insistence in making up words that weren’t actually words. What Spencer didn’t know was that Hanna was doing those things on purpose to mess with her for always being so overbearing and controlling. They fed off of each other.

The only common ground they’d found was the fact that Hanna’s boyfriend was good buddies with Toby, Spencer’s _kind of_ crush, though she told the girls that in confidence and then threatened them with legal action like they’d never seen if they spilled the beans. But Hanna was trying to help her with her confidence and her fashion choices to get Toby to see her as more than a friend.

Spencer and Emily got along well. Spencer found Emily to be a breath of fresh air, unlike any of the other typical bitches at Rosewood. And Emily really liked Spencer’s direct no-nonsense approach to things in life. Spencer admired Emily’s fierceness, and despite her initial nerves about Alison liking her, Spencer knew she was really good for her cousin.

Emily and Spencer found a shared love of trivia games and coffee. When Spencer found out they had an affinity for the same exact same kind of coffee, down to the brand of creamer, she went from not trusting the girl to being ready to fight any bitch who said anything bad about her.

There weren’t very many people who had anything mean to say about Emily Fields. The only people who had a problem with her were Noel and Ben, but that was just because ever since she’d come into the picture Alison had completely dropped them.

Ben had apologized profusely for being a dumbass and even tried being friends with Emily, but Alison had blocked him at every turn, _conveniently_ showing up every time he was alone with Emily, once even going as far as “accidentally spilling” hot coffee on him. She always pushed herself into the picture. And Emily just let her.

It pissed Ben off to see their solidarity. It made him feel like they were ganging up on him, and it made him feel like a caged animal. So he stewed in his anger. He even managed to poison Noel against Emily, convincing him that she was the reason that Alison didn’t want them around anymore.

Noel finally cornered Alison about it, asking her what the hell was up with her choosing some nobody over their clique who had survived all of high school together. Alison just told him everyone would be going in different directions soon so they needed to branch out instead of riding her coattails.

“Maybe you’ll change your mind at this year’s Halloween bash,” he said.

His brothers were getting a live DJ and several kegs of beer.

That hit Alison in her sweet spot. She _loved_ a good rager. She started to mull it over. Who would she be if Alison DiLaurentis, the hottest and most popular girl in school, didn’t show up to a legendary Kahn party?

“Look, dropping Coogan I get.” Noel leaned against the door frame, trying to showcase his toned muscles.

His play did not do the trick on Alison, because he didn’t have anything that got her motor running. He was toned and chiseled and good looking, but he was lacking the luminous soft glow that a certain long-haired brunette had. And he had way too much dick and balls for her liking.

“He’s an idiot…” Noel added.

“Wow, so much for bros before hos. Nice way to have your friend’s back.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Ben and I only hung out because of you. That idiot and I have nothing in common. I get why you pushed him out. But what the hell did I do?” Noel frowned.

 _You exist. You breathe._ Alison grumbled in her brain.

“Give me a chance. I got more of a brain than Cuckoo Coogan. Just…come to my party.” Noel begged.

It was pathetic, really. And Alison wanted to turn him down, but the Kahns threw legendary parties and anyone who was anyone went to them. If she didn’t go she risked dropping down on the social scale.

“Fine,” Alison said. “But my friends have open invites, too.”

“How many you talking?”

“Emily.” Of course she was the first person Alison thought about.

“I figured as much.” Noel looked at her like he was insulted that he wouldn’t have guessed that. “Who else you got in mind?”

“Hanna.” Because Emily was noble to a fault and wouldn’t go without her best friend.

“Okay. She’s a little extra, but I can deal with that.”

“Spencer and Toby…”

“Toby as in…Toby Cavanaugh?” Noel’s eyes widened in surprise. “Isn’t he the dude who set his garage on fire with a cigarette or something?”

God, she worried about how quickly inaccurate information traveled through Rosewood High.

“Toby had nothing to do with that. He doesn’t even smoke.” Alison defended him. She hated that he’d taken the fall for that night. But he’d always been such an easy target. The least she could do now was try to right her wrong.

“Who else you got on your guest list? Freddy Krueger and Hellboy?” Just what his party needed. Hotheaded pyros with a penchant for destruction.

“He won’t start anything,” Alison said.

If anything, she’d recently learned that Toby was all bark and no bite. He put on a big bad front to protect his cousin, but in reality he was a big softy. He rescued labybugs and relocated them outside. He’d stopped traffic one morning so a mama duck and her ducklings could make it safely across the road. Alison saw what Spencer saw in him.

“He’ll be too busy bro-ing out with Caleb and Lucas. They’re Hanna’s plus-2,” Alison said.

“I didn’t say anything about it being a plus-2 event…”

“Well, it is now.” Alison cut him off sharply. “Actually, come to think of it, Mona needs to be in on this, too.” Hanna would act like a raging bitch if her nerdy little dark-haired shadow wasn’t invited. “So plus 3.”

“You should never plan a wedding or anything important, ever.”

“You need to invite Aria, too, because she’ll bring Ezra and probably Mike.”

“That’s outside of my jurisdiction. Take the college invites up with my brother. But don’t hold your breath on scoring Ezra an invite. Heard homeboy is a real sad sack, reading emo Shakespeare and shit all the time in the quad.”

Because he missed spending his days with his equally as love-struck girlfriend. Aria acted mopey quite a bit, too. They weren’t used to not being on the same campus. Alison used to think it was pathetic. But now that she _understood_ the attraction of love and how it filled someone’s heart when their other half was around, she got it. She enjoyed life a lot more with Emily around.

“Your brother is probably just going to invite all his frat asshole buddies. Ezra is different.”

“Yeah, no kidding. He’s a total nerd-boy.”

“He may have been nerdy in high school, but that sort of shit at college gets girls all gaga. He’ll up your street cred with the ladies. Emo sad sack high school girls love him because he’s that dark brooding collegiate poet. He could probably teach you a thing or two about how to land some smart chicks.”

She knew that would get Noel’s Neanderthal mind spinning and talking to his dong.

“Oh, smart _college_ chicks.” Noel nodded, happy and impressed. Because his older brother didn’t have time to teach Noel how to get college girls to recognize him. “Alright, DiLaurentis. You’ve got yourself a deal. Be sure to wear something sexy.” He reached out and put his big gruff hand against her arm with a smile. “There’s a costume contest.”

 _I’m sure your costume of ‘big creep’ will win in a landslide._ Alison gave him a look of disgust before nodding and then pulling away.

She left Noel to bask in what he probably thought was the afterglow of foreplay to meet up Emily and her friends out in the courtyard.

“Speak of the devil.” She heard Spencer laugh.

She walked over to a table where they were all sitting.

“Guess who just got us invited to the Kahn’s Halloween bash?” Alison said, sitting down.

“I’d rather pour sulfuric acid on myself. You know how I feel about Halloween.” Spencer frowned.

“It’s _not_ just a pagan holiday for heathens and ne’er-do-wellers to pull shenanigans.” Alison shook her head.

“No. Of course not. It’s also been completely monetized by modern big businesses to scam gullible people into forking over money for costumes and candy.”

“God, downer much? It’s supposed to be fun!” Alison scoffed. “Now, let’s talk costumes.”

“Alison, you do realize that the tradition of dressing up was to ward off evil spirits and ghosts in ancient Celtic times? People dressed up in dead animal carcasses and set huge fires that made them think they were somehow talking to their Gods. There were literal animal sacrifices. Slutty vampire costumes and candy had very little to do with it.”

 _Is there a fuckin Grinch who stole Halloween, because you would be the perfect actress for the role._ Alison looked at her cousin with her lips turned down.

“I’m with Spencer on this one,” Hanna said.

That startled everyone at the table. Hanna Marin and Spencer Hastings _agreeing_ on something? Emily had to fight back a laugh, especially given how much Hanna had _loved_ dressing up in the past. She usually planned her diet around her costumes.

“We’re starting to get a little old for it, aren’t we? It’s kind of immature to parade around in costumes, don’t you think?”

Alison glared at her. She hadn’t planned for resistance. She had forgotten that the girls were not as malleable as the boys. Emily was equally surprised. If there was ever an opportunity for Hanna to go shopping and dress up, she took it. Mocking Halloween was really unlike her. Emily assumed she was just resisting because it’s something Alison wanted to do. She played that opposite card a lot when it came to Alison.

“Han, you laughed when my mom spotted a Great Tit birdwatching yesterday.” Emily reminded her.

“Because it was funny.” Hanna shrugged with a laugh. “Tits.” She giggled. “Who names a bird a tit?”

“Some nit-tit, probably.” Aria grinned, proud of herself for thinking on her feet.

“You all need help.” Spencer stared at her friends.

“What about you, Em?” Alison faced Emily.

“What? Do I think tits are funny?” She mulled it over with a smirk. “Well, mine certainly don’t have a great stand-up routine or anything. I’ll be supporting them forever.”

The table filled with snickers and laughs. Even Spencer couldn’t help but laugh at that. But she shook her head.

“God, I’m surrounded by children.”

“Which is exactly why it’s appropriate for us to dress up this weekend.” Alison pushed.

“There is nothing about this conversation that is appropriate.” Spencer replied.

“You’re doing it.” Alison said. She glared at her with a gaze that clearly screamed _that’s final_.

“Fine, but just be aware that I am going to sulk the whole time.”

“When don’t you?” Aria teased.

“Watch it, Montgomery.” Spencer warned her, but she’d said it in a playful tone.

“Why? Are you going to summon an urban legend to come after me?” Aria snorted.

“Bloody Mary…” Spencer said in a menacing tone.

“That only works if you’re looking in a mirror.” Aria wasn’t intimidated.

“So, it would never work for me.” Emily said. “Score one for the blind chick.”

“Bloody Mary…” Spencer said again.

“Okay, we get the point.” Aria’s bravery started to waver.

“Bloody…”

“Spencer, quit it!” Aria squirmed around in her seat and looked around, like a demon was going to pop out in the middle of a bright sunny day.

Emily imagined a ghostly creature crawling up out of a grate in dirty rags wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap to keep the sun from her face and walking over to a group of unsuspecting teenagers and then _evilly_ …tapping one of them on the shoulder and asking if they had some sunscreen she could borrow. Nothing less than SPF 666.

“Hmm, this spooky stuff is kind of fun.” Spencer shrugged, glancing at Alison. “I’ll do it without the sulking. Just minimal sarcastic comments.”

“I’m in.” Aria added.

“Me too,” Hanna said, albeit reluctantly.

“And then there was one.” Alison traced her fingers over the brunette’s arm. “How about it, Em?”

Hanna rolled her eyes. Aria had the tiniest smile on her face. She thought their little back and forth was cute. She knew that even though they weren’t “together” together that it was only going to be a matter of time before they were.

“Do you like to dress up?” She cupped her wrist. _I want to undress you._ Her tone said.

Alison couldn’t stop herself from touching her. She felt a strange electric surge every time they were close. Emily felt it, too. She could feel every hair on her body standing on end as the goosebumps crawled up her arms and spine.

“I did when I was little,” Emily said. “I haven’t in a few years. But my mom and dad always push their ideas on me. This year my dad suggested a lion tamer and a lion.” She reached down in search of Ace’s head.

Alison drifted off thinking of Emily wearing a revealing bright red top, a short black skirt, fishnet stockings, tight black boots, and a whip _._

_Jesus Crist, a whip…_

“I tried the costume on and it was comfortable enough.” Emily scratched Ace’s head in between his ears. His back leg flopped against the ground as he scratched his imaginary itch. “But Ace hates the mane, so I decided not to get it.”

 _Well, we’re just going to have to change Ace’s mind._ Alison looked down at the Retriever.

“I thought maybe I’d go a little more laid back, like a police officer and her K-9 partner.”

 _Oh, God. A woman in uniform._ Alison’s thighs clenched at the thought of it. _Do not orgasm in front of your friends._

“My cane could double for a nightstick.”

Alison felt a tickle in her throat and she discreetly tried to clear it and a little squeak came out. Alison saw Emily smirk and subtly bite her lip. The brunette knew exactly what she was thinking.

_Emily Fields, you naughty naughty girl..._

Alison was slowly starting to realize that it didn’t matter what Emily decided to wear, because she liked _her_ , not what she was wearing. It was what was underneath the clothes that got her hyped up.

“What about you, Ali?” Emily asked.

“I’ve been eyeing _her highness_ , Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, Lady Gaga herself, for inspiration.” _That might be the gayest thing you’ve ever said._ “I was thinking Madonna at first, but I wasn’t feeling the retro vibe of the times. Something was lacking in the costume. It felt a little like _Queen_ without Freddie Mercury.” _Nope, THAT’S the gayest thing._

“So, what’s the plan?” Aria questioned curiously.

Alison smiled at her. A _genuine_ smile. She’d come to find out that Aria wasn’t so bad. Yeah, her parents were hippie weirdos and Aria carried some of that weirdness. But she was pretty chill.

“Clear your schedules. If you have plans this afternoon cancel them.” Alison lifted her brows. “We’re going shopping, bitches.”

“You should have opened with that.” Hanna coolly took a sip of her drink. “I’m like…really good at shopping. It’s one of my strongest attributes.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s what people look for on resumes and college applications.” Spencer snorted sarcastically.

“Don’t knock it. The girl has got a gift,” Emily said with a big grin. “I’d be happy to give her a glowing reference. She’s worked as my personal shopper my entire seventeen years of life. I can remember her toddling through the aisles and me being pulled _begrudgingly_ along as we shopped for the finest of pacifiers.”

“Hey, I saved your life numerous times. You always wanted off-brands that were recalled half the time.” Hanna shook her head with a laugh. “Because of me you had the finest name brand diapers in the land.”

She stood up and gathered her things. Aria and Emily did the same. Spencer was still munching on a croissant.

“She’s been like this our whole lives,” Emily said to the girls in a teasing manner. “She’s gone from dragging me through the baby food aisle to dragging me through department stores.”

“Sometimes I leave her on a bench to complain to strangers. The wrinkly old men who are dragged there by their wives to hold their purses love her.” Hanna chuckled.

“Oh, good. So I have someone to grump and grumble under my breath disapprovingly with.” Spencer replied eagerly.

“Now you’re speaking my language.” Emily nodded with a smile. “I’ll work on my annoyed sighs and mumbles.”

She walked towards the water fountain with a collapsible bowl to get Ace some water. Aria and Hanna walked nearby, heading for the garbage cans to throw some things away. Alison and Spencer watched Emily navigate the courtyard. Spencer turned to her cousin.

“Hates shopping _and_ takes care of her dog’s needs before her own? No wonder you’re head over heels for her. The girl is too good to be true.”

“Shh…” Alison shushed her, not wanting Emily or the other girls to overhear.

“I’m just saying, if you don’t date her I will.”

“Shut up.” Alison scoffed, but she had a smile on her face.

She looked over at Emily and watched as she filled up Ace’s bowl. Aria and Hanna walked over to her and started to talk to her. Hanna grabbed the bowl and put it down and Emily said something to Ace and he immediately started lapping water out of the bowl.

“You gonna tell her?” Spencer asked.

“About _it_ that shall not be named?” She refused to talk about the Fourth of July out in public, if _ever_.

“No. Not that. Are you going to tell her that you’re in love with her?”

The question should have startled Alison, but it didn’t, especially given there was no ill-will in the intent behind asking. She wasn’t being sarcastic. She wasn’t mocking her. She was legitimately asking her. She was being sincere.

“I don’t know.” Alison sighed.

“You two kissed, didn’t you?”

Alison whipped her head over to look at her cousin. She scowled at her. How the fuck did she know that? She stared at her, waiting for Spencer to blink, but they held each other’s gaze. She hated that Spencer was so perceptive. She hated the smarmy look on her face even more, because Spencer knew she was right.

“It’s complicated, okay?”

“Fine, but don’t play around with her, because I think you two would be really good for each other.” She’d already seen Alison taking strides to better herself. She’d watched her blossoming into an actual human being.

Alison glanced at the girls across the courtyard, still talking and smiling.

“What if I’m wrong? What if what I feel is somehow wrong?” She questioned nervously.

“Ali, I’ve seen you bounce around from one person to the next ever since you hit the top of the social food chain in sixth grade. I’ve seen you with all different kinds of people. But I have never _once_ seen you look at someone the way you look at her. Trust me, if she could see it she would know.”

Alison didn’t have to say what she already knew: Emily didn’t _have_ to see it. Because she felt it. She knew. That’s why she’d been so hurt at the kissing rock. Because her feelings weren’t lying. She kept her eyes on the brunette, watching as she turned just the slightest bit. Their gaze was aligned. Alison didn’t have to see beyond Emily’s sunglasses to know that she was looking right back at her.

She could simply feel it just being around her. The way Emily saw people was through an extension of their auras, their souls, or whatever hippie thing was cool with Aria’s parents these days. But Alison knew there was something to it. Because the way Emily looked at life was so unique. It felt like the universe only existed because she was in it.

Spencer kept shooting Alison knowing looks as the girls piled into their cars and drove to the costume shop. Alison wanted to reach over and smack her, but she knew that would draw attention to herself, so she shot her a dirty look and then pretended to feign indifference the rest of the drive.

The only one who complained about shopping was Spencer, and Alison expected it from her cousin. Because Spencer loathed shopping more than the idea of Halloween. She begrudgingly walked into the costume shop with them, but she let them know she was not happy about it. And she immediately regretted it when Aria called out to her,

“Oh, try this one on, Spence!” Aria picked a Supergirl outfit off of the rack that looked to be about Spencer’s size.

“Supergirl?” Spencer snorted. “What about me screams _action heroine_?”

“You do run around like a madwoman in field hockey.” Alison pointed out. “Faster than a speedball. Able to leap tall Defense Players in a single bound…” She teased.

“What’s her kryptonite?” Emily asked.

“Caffeine.” Hanna and Aria answered simultaneously.

“No.” Spencer grabbed the outfit from Aria’s hands. “Caffeine makes me stronger. My kryptonite is my love for you people.” Spencer replied dryly. She disappeared into the dressing room.

After a few seconds she called out,

“No!”

“Let us see!” Hanna begged eagerly.

“No. I look stupid.”

“Spencer Jane Hastings, get out here!” Alison exclaimed.

“Jane?” Hanna almost choked on her laugh.

“It’s a family name! Shut up, Marin!” Spencer called from the other side of the wall.

“Come say that to my face, Hastings.” Hanna egged her on. Really, she just wanted to see the great Spencer Jane Hastings in a sparkly red cape.

There was a dissatisfied grumble from the other side of the wall and then the door slowly opened. As she walked out there was a collective burst of giggles and whistles. Spencer glared at them.

“Can’t I just wear one of my old costumes from the drama department?” Spencer crossed her arms in front of her too exposed abdomen.

“What, like Lady MacBeth?” Alison snickered. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

“That’s from _Hamlet_.” Spencer corrected her.

“Same difference. I get points for knowing the author.”

“Please, you put a monkey in library for five minutes and then give him a typewriter he’d type the word _Shakespeare._ Even a broken clock is right twice a day.” Spencer disappeared back into the dressing room.

“Love you, too, cous.” Alison called after her. She mulled around a clothing rack right outside the door. “What’s the big deal about Shakespeare anyway? Every single one of his plays ends the same. Everyone dies. It’s like _Game of Thrones._ But everyone is old and wears powdered mops on their heads.”

“God, I wish I was in one his plays right now.” Spencer muttered. “I’d be better off dead.”

Five minutes later, Aria was pulling Spencer across the store because she saw another costume she liked in Spencer’s size. Spencer allowed Aria to boss her around, because she was tiny, but she was fierce and when she didn’t get her way it was ugly.

“Think those two will get married one day?” Hanna joked as she looked through the racks, picking through costumes.

“The little bossy one tells the tall cynic what to do. They’re _already_ married.” Emily laughed softly.

“If that’s the case we were married when we were like five.” Hanna pushed against her arm teasingly.

Alison’s eyes narrowed in irritation. She didn’t like it when Hanna, or anyone, for that matter touched Emily. It was almost a selfish childish desire to keep what was hers to herself.

“Caleb will be so disappointed.” Emily ribbed her back.

“Emily, I found the lion tamer’s costume.” Alison pushed her way into the conversation. “Maybe Ace will like it better the second time around.”

Hanna took one look at the costume and side-eyed Alison, because there was _no way_ that skimpy little costume was for Emily’s benefit.

“I don’t know…”

“Oh, come on!” Alison pleaded.

Emily reluctantly agreed, making her way into the accessible dressing room. She found the edge of the seat and sat down. Alison impatiently pretended to wait patiently outside. Hanna could see right through her. She wandered off to look at another rack of costumes.

Alison could hear Emily shuffling around. She heard a thunk and then something that sounded like “shit” muttered under her breath.

“You okay?” Alison asked.

There was a beat before she answered,

“Um…yeah.” Another pause. “I’m just having trouble with the one-piece.” Emily sounded frustrated.

“I’ll help.” Alison felt like kicking herself for how quickly she leaped to her feet. _Be more desperate._

“No, that’s okay. I…” Another thud and then another muttered cuss word.

Alison didn’t like her tone of voice.

“Emily, come on. Let me in.” Alison softened her tone. “I…I won’t judge you or anything.”

She wasn’t sure if Emily didn’t want her to see her undressed or if it had more to do with her pride, but it didn’t matter. Either way, Alison felt like she needed to help, because she’s the one who had picked out the damn outfit.

She heard Emily sigh and then she heard the door unlatching. Seconds later, the door opened just a crack. Alison squeezed into the handicapped stall with her.

Emily was holding herself up with a bar near the wall. Ace was leaning against her, helping her stand. She had the one-piece portion of the costume pulled almost all the way up on one side, but it was tight and twisted against her other side. Her arm was wrenched backwards at an odd angle and half of her bra was exposed. She sighed, feeling like a complete idiot, like a five-year-old child who got all twisted up in her clothes.

“I think the zipper is stuck.” Emily tried to move her arm, but couldn’t get full range of motion of it.

“Here, let me…” Alison moved forward, putting her hand on Emily’s arm. “Turn around and let me see.”

Emily grabbed the handrail and moved so that she was facing the wall with her back to Alison. Alison immediately spotted the problem, but was somewhat distracted by Emily’s firm muscular back. Despite her buff appearance her body looked so soft and inviting.

It sent a mixture of hormones through Alison’s body. Part of her wanted to lay her down and run her fingers and lips all along her back placing delicate kisses all along her spine, making her quiver underneath her. The other part of her wanted to grab Emily and pull her down on top of her and leave scratch marks all over her unblemished back.

“Is it the zipper?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” Alison found the verbal part of her brain. “It’s snagged on a piece of fabric. I’m just trying to figure out…” _how to not jump your bones right now._ “…I think if I just…”

She reached out and grabbed the zipper and started maneuvering it around. She pulled the piece of the costume that was stuck loose and Emily’s arm dropped back down to its normal position. Alison slowly zipped the costume up, her fingers trailing along her back. She saw Emily’s muscles twitching underneath her touch. Her fingertips bumped against a wide raised scar on the back of her neck. It was larger than the one on her arm and collar bone, but it was well hidden by her hair. She’d somehow missed it the day at Spring Cove. She saw Emily’s body tense when she hit it.

“I’m sorry. Is it sensitive?” Alison pulled her fingers away.

Emily turned around, her sunglasses still hiding her ever-mysterious eyes. She could feel Alison’s breath against her face and she was glad she had her glasses on to shield her nerves. She shook her head.

“No. It’s old.”

“What happened?”

Emily smiled, almost a pained smile like it was a memory she didn’t want to recall. Alison saw her lips twitch. She had a look on her face like someone had reached out and smacked her. And instantly Alison wanted to destroy whoever or whatever gave her the scar.

“Did…did someone hurt you?” Alison asked timidly. _Point me in their fucking direction. I’ll kill them._

“It’s…nothing. It was a long time ago.” Emily’s voice was a low mumble.

So it hadn’t happened in the fire. Somehow that didn’t make Alison feel any better. Emily pulled her lip in between her teeth, a habit Alison had learned that meant she was nervous and upset. Alison put her palm against Emily’s bicep and stroked her arm, her fingertips barely brushing the scar on her inner arm.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Alison said. “Friends share secrets. That’s what keeps us close.”

Friends. That was the problem, for _both_ of them. Neither of them wanted to be _just_ friends, but until they let down the guards they’d both put up that’s all they had.

Alison could see the struggle playing out on Emily’s face. But she didn’t know the thoughts that were swirling around in her head. Alison had no idea that Emily’s world was shrouded in secrets that were threatening to come spilling out. And when they did they would burn everything around her like a raging wildfire, leaving destruction and dust in its wake. She couldn’t let Alison become another casualty in her world. Some things were just best left unsaid.

“I don’t really like talking about it. It’s no big deal.” Emily’s chin tensed up, another habit that Alison had picked up from watching her.

It meant she was lying. But if Emily didn’t want to talk, Alison knew that pushing her was only going to push her away. So she sighed and slipped her hand down Emily’s arm. When her fingers were moving over her knuckles Emily surprised her by flipping her hand over and gently grabbing her hand, lacing their fingers together, silently thanking her for not pressuring her.

Alison looked at their joined hands and then back up at her scantily clad outfit revealing everything Alison liked about her. The girl was practically naked in front of her. Alison felt her heart beating wildly in her chest. Being in such close proximity to her always sparked a part of her that was hard to ignore. She licked her lips and subconsciously moved closer.

Emily heard, and _felt_ , her shuffling on her feet. And she felt the same feeling she’d felt out at the kissing rock overcoming her. And she was hard-pressed to stop it. She felt Alison’s body brushing against hers, and she felt her body reacting in ways it had never reacted before. She felt something hot pulsing in between her thighs. She wanted the blonde _so_ bad.

But she couldn’t. There was too much at stake. She knew she would only end up hurting Alison in the end. Because that’s the way her life worked. It was a stroke of luck that Alison had stopped their encounter at the kissing rock. At first she’d been hurt after Alison rejected her. But when she’d pulled herself out of the situation long enough to stop and think about it she realized it had worked out for the best. Because Emily knew she wasn’t strong enough to turn her down.

The only thing keeping the two of them from an inevitable heartbreak was Alison’s hesitance. But right now, the girl in front of her was far from hesitating. Emily could feel the desire radiating off of her. She felt Alison’s fingers tracing her tattoo. She hadn’t told her the truth about Maya yet. She couldn’t. Not just because it was hard for her to talk about, but because she’d have to tell Alison how she knew Maya, and she’d have to explain how she’d met Maya’s older brother first. And how meeting him had changed her entire life.

She’d have to tell her _everything_ , and she wasn’t ready to do that yet. She knew she couldn’t keep it a secret forever, but she wanted to cling to the normalcy Alison made her feel just a little bit longer. It had been a long time since she’d felt safe and secure. She certainly hadn’t expected to find that in Alison DiLaurentis, but she had.

Even when it was quiet she felt a sense of comfort and normalcy. She could still feel Alison tracing her tattoo. Her touch set Emily on fire, but she calmly quieted the flames. Instead of giving in to her urges she was able to quell her stirred emotions.

“You never told me about yours,” Emily said quietly, trying desperately to keep from turning the changing room into their next make-out destination.

“Huh?” Alison glanced up away from her chest.

“You said you have a tattoo?” Her voice was so damn shaky. She was nearly stuttering. “Tell me about it.”

Alison glanced down over her body. And suddenly, she felt stupid. Because she’d gotten her tattoo as a rebellion against her parents. And they didn’t even know she had it. _And_ it wasn’t even that cool.

“I, uh…” She licked her lips. Why were they so dry? “I used to dream about mermaids a lot when I was younger. One of my all-time favorite movies was _The Little Mermaid_.” _Shit, she’s going to think I’m such a dork._

But Emily didn’t react. She just listened.

“Something about them always appealed to me…about how…free and beautiful they were. So I started drawing them. And I came up with this design. I used to dream she would come to me and we’d run away together. She was long and lean, her tone curved back slightly arched towards the sky like the sun was kissing her face, and her beautiful black hair flowing behind her…”

She felt a huge lump in her throat when she realized she was literally looking right at the mermaid of her dreams. And…oh _God_ , she’d told Emily she looked like a mermaid when they were kids _and_ that day at Spring Cove. _Fuck. Fuck!_

“A-anyway.” Great, so she was back to stuttering again. “When I turned seventeen I forged my parents’ signature on the form, but I’ve always looked older than I am so they didn’t even ask twice before they brought the needles and ink out. It’s not big or anything. It’s maybe twice the size of your hearts. It’s near my right hip bone.” She moved one of Emily’s hands down close to her low-riding jeans, slowly moving her fingers down…

Emily cinched her eyes closed, taking a moment to appreciate the fact that Alison couldn’t see behind her shades right now. Because she was so immensely turned on, and she knew that her pupils were large and filled with lust.

 _Oh my God, this girl is going to be the death of me._ Emily tried not to pant.

She could picture Alison’s smooth milky skin around her pelvis, an exotic creature drawn there solely for someone to kiss it.

Alison pushed her fingers lower and it felt like the closer she got to her erogenous zones the hotter her skin felt. Emily could feel every crevice. Every divot. Every inch. Alison’s body felt so perfect. Emily wanted to plunge her fingers below her panty line. She wanted to feel her.

She felt Alison’s face moving closer, her hot sweet breath blowing against her lips. Emily swallowed a lump in her throat. Somehow in the midst of their conversation their bodies had melded together.

“Ali…” Her voice was soft, quiet, almost breathless. Her lips were ghosting over Alison’s. “We shouldn’t. Not if you’re not sure about this.” She ran her tongue across her bottom lip nervously, because what if she _was_ sure now? Emily wouldn’t be able to stop herself.

Alison moved her hand up against Emily’s neck, her fingertips slipping over her jaw.

“I…” _I’m sure. Of fucking course I want this. Tell her you want this. Stop being so stupid. Ask her on a date. Do SOMETHING!_ “I…don’t know what I want.” _Really? What the fuck, Alison? Son of a bitch!_ _You are literally beaver-damming yourself with this beautiful woman. I am going to find a brick wall and bash my head in._

“And that’s okay.” Emily nodded, pulling her hand away from Alison’s, painfully, agonizingly slow. “We’re still figuring things out.”

Alison glanced at her.

 _We_. She’d said _we_. Alison peered at her curiously. What was Emily “figuring out”? It was clear that she wanted Alison. Why was she hesitant to act on it? What dirty little secrets were gestating in her brain? What was she hiding from her? Was it Maya? Did it have to do with her scars? Had someone hurt Maya and then tried to hurt her? Was she afraid? What was she hiding?

“Let’s just go slow, okay?” Emily asked, though her hormones were telling her to do the opposite.

 _If we were going any slower we’d be traveling backwards._ Alison thought caustically.

But she couldn’t be mad at Emily because _she_ was the one who had fucked up at the kissing rock. _She_ was the one who couldn’t figure herself out. She wanted to scream at Emily to talk to her. She wanted to know everything. She wanted to let herself love this girl. But instead she just stood there, their faces still inches apart, their bodies so close they could feel the electricity between them. Their lips inched closer, through no action of their own. Their mouths hovered, ghosting over each other, both of them waiting for the other to make the first move.


	9. Shaded

* * *

  **A/N:** _Just an FYI, there is a little creepy darkness in this chapter. Fair warning. But there’s also some light purity to balance it out. It’s a fucking ride, basically._

* * *

  **Chapter 9:**

**Shaded**

Alison’s fingers were moving rhythmically almost through no accord of their own. She was so hypnotized by Emily’s beauty. Emily sighed heatedly against Alison’s face. The pounding noise echoing in the air could be heard throughout the entire store. Emily stiffened up. Alison huffed out a surprised gasp. Then there was another loud knock at the door.

“Hey, this is a dressing room, not the _Motel 6_! Don’t make me get a fire hose to separate you two!” Hanna threw her fist against the door again, making both girls jump.

They giggled after the initial scare. Alison continued to stroke Emily’s cheek. There was something so serene about touching her face. She couldn’t stop herself. Emily’s skin felt so good underneath her fingertips. Her other hand was firmly against Emily’s hip, holding her in place.

“She’s ever so lovely,” Alison said sarcastically, their lips still hovering against one another, but still not touching. It was becoming like a game they played. A painfully lust-filled game of chicken. Who would blink first?

“Give her time.” Emily smiled at her, knowing by now what her smile did to the blonde. “She’ll grow on you.”

“How long does it take for that growing to happen?” Alison quipped.

“Bump and grind in your own time!” Hanna called out to them.

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out. She’s _still_ growing on me.” Emily admitted with an annoyed, yet nervous laugh.

Alison helped her finish getting dressed and then put the lion mane on Ace. He looked at her with his big sad hazel-brown eyes like she’d betrayed him.

“How is Ace doing?” Emily sat down.

Emily slipped a boot on over the stockings. Alison bit her lip when she saw her in knee high boots. Her pelvis bucked unintentionally as she watched Emily slide the second boot on, moving her leg up so that Alison could see where the crossed fishnet stockings met underneath the skirt. Alison could imagine herself buried in between those thighs.

“He’s fine.” Alison didn’t take her eyes off of Emily. “He loves it.”

Ace looked up at her as if he thought she was nuts, as if he could understand that Alison was flat out lying. And he didn’t appreciate it.

“Liar.” Emily laughed. She knew her dog. And she knew he was pissed.

“What if we skipped the mane?” Alison suggested. “You could just be the ringleader of the teen circus instead of the lion tamer.” With Emily as a ringleader she’d follow her anywhere. “You could give him some time off. I’ll be your Gaga-guide girl.”

Emily mulled it over. She reached down for Ace’s head and her hand landed on the furry mane.

“What do you think, buddy?”

Ace answered by pawing at the ugly faux fur around his head, scratching until he got the mane off. He made a sound that was between a whimper and a groan and then he went right back to standing guard next to Emily.

“I think that’s a yes.” Alison laughed.

“You’re going to put him out of a job.” Emily chuckled, climbing to her feet, trying to get a feel for the boots. “Does it look okay?”

 _Duh, don’t ask stupid questions, Emily._ Alison scoffed in thought.

Alison stared at her for half a beat. She didn’t even have to have her eyes open to answer that question. Emily looked good in everything.

But seeing the tall brunette standing in front of her with a tight costume showing off her curves ignited a fire inside of Alison that not even an entire fire department could put out. Hanna might need that fire hose after all. She’d never been in anyone’s presence that could render her brain completely useless.

The first place her eyes drifted was to Emily’s tattoo. Something about looking at it made her feel like pressing her lips against Emily’s skin. It told a story. And it opened a part of Emily’s heart. It made her want to love her. To cherish every inch of her body. She was drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.

She took a moment to appreciate the full costume. It was as sexy as she thought it would be. The main portion of the costume was much like a bathing suit, but thicker and tighter with a flimsy skirt attached. The top portion held her breasts up showing just the right amount of cleavage. Alison smiled as she imagined herself pushing kisses between her exquisite bosom.

_So. Fucking. Hot._

The black knee-high boots were overlapping the bright red fishnet stockings covering Emily’s tone firm legs. The costume was topped off with a cute hat that she wore to perfection. She reached for the whip and Alison had flashes to naughty things they could do in the bedroom if they were dating. And she suddenly felt like just asking Emily to marry her on the spot just so they could have a honeymoon with Emily in the costume. Alison managed to subdue her hormones. She cleared her throat.

“The important thing is that you’re comfortable in it.” Alison somehow found the logical non-selfish part of her brain to talk for her. _Pleeeease be comfortable._

“Guess I need to try it out.” Emily reached for her cane and then felt around for Ace’s lead.

She walked around in it for a few minutes. The other girls jokingly whistled and encouraged her as she moved around in the costume. She felt silly at first, but then a certain confidence took over and she felt strangely empowered.

Not even Hanna sniping at her got under her skin. Hanna turned to her while they were waiting on Alison as she tried on her Lady Gaga costume.

“You’re really going to wear that?” Hanna asked. “You look like a whore who gave birth to _Moulin Rouge._ ”

“Great movie. Excellent soundtrack.” Emily smirked back at her. “I’m putting that in the compliments column.”

“You are such a little shit.” Hanna laughed.

Emily shrugged with a devious look on her face.

Spencer and Aria walked over to them. Aria was snickering. She had on a barista costume and Spencer was wearing a big fluffy cappuccino costume. She looked miserable, like the equivalent of a dog being forced to wear some stupid frumpy outfit she didn’t understand. She was Aria’s Ace.

“What is this? Baristas gone wild? What’s with the coffee theme?” Hanna questioned.

“I found her kryptonite.” Aria smirked. “I really like this one a _latte._ ”

“Oh, Aria.” Hanna shook her head at the pun. “You’re better than that.”

“No. I’m really not.”

“She’s just _espresso_ -ing herself.” Emily chuckled.

“Not helping.” Spencer sat down next to Emily.

“Someone is a little bitter. I think you need some sugar.” Aria teased.

“Do it and I’ll _cream_ you.” Spencer warned. She pulled the large chunky straw from the costume off of her head.

“Was that the last straw?” Aria asked.

Spencer glared at her. Hanna sniggered.

“Sorry. I’ll stop.” Aria giggled.

“You are having _way_ too much fun.” Spencer shook her head.

Aria smiled, another thought springing to mind,

“Are you saying…”

“Aria, don’t…” Spencer interrupted her, knowing exactly where she was going with it.

Aria grinned and continued, and being the giant dork that she was said,

“…I’m having…”

“I beg of you, please stop…”

“…a _grande_ time?”

“Help me.” Spencer whispered.

The girls snickered.

A few seconds later Alison came out in her costume. It fit her like a glove. There was no question as to whether or not she was going to buy it.

“How does it look?” Alison twirled, whipping around the hair of the perfectly groomed wig on her head.

“Like Gandalf the Grey if he was a nun going through a mid-life crisis.” Spencer retorted.

“Well you look like someone took a shit on a drugged out Oscar the Grouch.” Alison smarted back.

“I am _not_ wearing this.” Spencer glared at Aria.

“Come on, let’s find something else then.” Aria suggested. “I think I saw a _Cinderella_ costume in your size. We might have to shove your feet into the shoes though.”

“Yeah, I’m about to shove a foot somewhere.” Spencer muttered.

“If you can’t find Halloween in your heart, Spencer, how will you ever find a dream that is a wish your heart makes?” Aria teased.

“I will squash you like a bug.” Spencer threatened.

“Aww, do I _mocha_ you mad?” Aria fiddled with the straw portion of the coffee costume.

“I really am going to kill you in your sleep for this.”

“Worth it.” Aria shrugged.

They started walking down the aisle, Emily and Alison lagging behind the other girls. Emily was still getting used to the feel of the boots. Alison stayed close in case she needed someone to lean on…or fall into the racks and make out with.

As they cruised the store none of the girls noticed Ben standing outside the window of the shop, staring inside. His eyes were fixed on Emily. His jaw had dropped in a rather cartoonish fashion, because _holy shit_ , she was hot in that lion tamer costume. Was she that hot when they were younger?

He watched her walk down the aisle with Alison and his expression soured. He had a range of mixed emotions flurry through his brain. That should be him in there with Emily, but Alison had completely cut him off _and_ she’d made sure that he didn’t get to spend any time with Emily. And it pissed him off.

But his anger only strengthened the resolve of his lust. He smiled. Emily looked good in that costume. All he could think about was their kiss when they were younger. She’d smelled like coconut. Her lips had tasted so good, had felt so good against his. He’d never quite gotten over that kiss. The way her body felt against his. It was actually the first time he’d ever gotten a hard-on outside of his bedroom.

He’d managed to block out the fact that she’d kneed him in the nuts and told him to get away from her. She’d been confused then. He was certain. He could win her back.

As he watched Emily and her friends he thought back to the day of their kiss. He found his hand delving deeper into his pocket and rubbing up against his growing member in between his thighs. He stepped back behind a pillar where he could still see them, but no one could see him. He certainly didn’t need a repeat of tenth grade Biology. Alison had been such a bitch to him about it, blackmailing him with the video she got of his boner in class. She thought she was so high and mighty.

He thought about all of her little slights and insults and the years she’d spent cutting him down. And what was it for? Nothing. She’d just tossed him and Noel aside for the first pretty face she’d seen. And she’d degraded him, made him into a social-pariah, made him the laughingstock of the whole school.

 _Fucking Bitch._ He moved his hand faster, gripping himself through his pants.

If it weren’t for Alison he’d be the one helping Emily picking her costume out. That would be _them_ walking down the aisle together laughing and having a good time. Sure, she claimed to be gay, but he knew that was probably just some phase. He could help her over it, could help her realize she just hadn’t met the right man yet.

He closed his eyes and imagined her without the costume on and moved his hand faster. He pictured her writhing beneath him and felt sweat building up on his face. He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the pillar. He huffed out uneven breaths as his hips bucked into his palm.

He could picture her biting her lip and screaming out his name while she dug her nails into his back. His pelvis jerked and he arched his neck back and bit back a groan. He stayed outside for a few more minutes watching them from around the corner as he finished himself off.

When he was done he brushed his damp fingers against his jeans and then walked off, smiling to himself. He locked away the image of Emily in the spank bank of his mind. He had plenty to imagine thanks to that costume. And he’d see her in it again at Noel’s party. He couldn’t wait.

The girls were completely unaware that they had been a free peep show for the King of the perv club of Rosewood High school. They were too busy making each other laugh with their costume choices.

Emily walked around in the lion tamer costume for a little while, and after getting feedback from the other girls she decided she was cool with it. But the second she heard how expensive it was her face deflated.

“Oh,” Emily said quietly. “I didn’t know…” She frowned. “It was half that price two weeks ago.”

“The curse of supply and demand.” Spencer sighed.

“Uh, maybe I can just find one of my old costumes and go retro.” Emily knew she couldn’t afford it.

But Alison was not going to let that happen.

“Do you want it?” Alison asked.

“I mean, I like it. It feels comfortable. But…it’s a little out of my price range. My family and I are kind of on a budget.”

“I’ve got you covered.” Alison pulled out her credit card and handed it to the clerk.

“Alison, you don’t have to…”

“No. In fact, this was my idea. I’ll cover for all of your costumes.” She looked at Aria, Hanna, and Spencer. “Hand them over.” She reached for the tags.

The girls looked at her, wondering what her motive was, because all three of them knew she didn’t do anything without wanting something in return. Was Alison DiLaurentis doing something _nice_? Why?

After they got their costumes and left the store everyone but Emily kept waiting for Alison to use her kindness to get something for herself, but she didn’t say another word about paying. It was just another piece of the ever-confusing puzzle that was Alison DiLaurentis. A puzzle that Emily Fields oh-so-enjoyed putting together. She couldn’t stop thinking about their interaction in the dressing room. She’d never met anyone who made her feel quite like Alison DiLaurentis. She knew the relationship was trouble, but she just couldn’t find it in herself to care.

She tried the costume on at least a dozen times from the second she’d gotten home to the night of Noel’s party. She waited in anticipation on Halloween night for Spencer’s car to pull into her driveway.

She heard them pull up at seven. Her phone alerted her to a text from Alison that the automated voice-to-text feature read to her,

_“We just pulled in.”_

“Be out in just a few seconds.” Emily replied into the phone. It sent automatically.

She grabbed her things and hurried towards the door, hoping to avoid a parental lecture, because the lion tamer’s costume her dad had been talking about was a big bulky suit and _definitely_ not something that looked like Barbarella and Barnum and Bailey had a love-child.

But she had no such luck. Her parents were sitting in the living room watching a movie and cuddling. Wayne was lying upright on his back and Pam was lying halfway against his side, her legs underneath her and her hands curled into his chest. They both sat up when they heard her heading for the front door.

“You leaving, Em?” Pam moved up against the sofa.

“Yeah.” Emily heard Ace shuffling up behind her.

The dog was looking around for his lead, like Emily had forgotten it.

“And you’ll be home by eleven thirty?” Wayne asked, always the detailed one.

“Yes, sir.” Emily called out from the hallway.

“Did you remember your eye drops?” Pam questioned.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And you took your meds?” Pam asked.

Emily sighed. Sometimes her parents felt like a chore to her. And she felt guilty for thinking it.

“Yes.” She moved in front of the living room atrium and Pam and Wayne saw the skimpy costume she was wearing.

Wayne frowned. Pam opened her mouth to say something, but Wayne grabbed her arm and shook his head. He certainly didn’t want his teenage daughter tramping around like a floozy, but she was older now, and making her own choices. And it was important that they let her do so. He looked at his wife with a serious “let her have tonight” written all over his face. But Pam couldn’t shut her judgmental motherly brain up in time.

“You’re going out in _that_?” Pam blurted out.

Emily could feel her disapproving eyes staring at the costume.

“Is there a problem?” Emily questioned, her skin prickling at her mother’s tone.

She could hear Pam shuffling her feet against the cushions and huffing under her breath.

“It’s just…don’t you think you might get cold? Maybe you should take a coat.”

Emily could hear the _“or wear something else entirely different”_ vibe in her mom’s tone. If her mother had her way Emily wouldn’t leave the house in anything other than a parka and thick snow pants. Emily pushed back, though she wasn’t bitchy about it.

“We’re going to Noel’s cabin, not ice-fishing.” Emily shrugged. “There will be heat there.”

“Okay.” Pam didn’t push it, though Emily could tell by her mother’s voice that she wasn’t happy. “Be sure to stay with your friends and don’t wander off. And be careful about leaving your drink exposed.”

“And have fun.” Her dad added with a sweet peppy attitude. Emily could always tell when he was smiling.

“I will. Thanks.” She reached for the door.

She felt Ace nudging her leg, like, _“um, hello? Forgetting something?”_

“You stay, buddy.” She rubbed his head. “Keep an eye on mom and dad. Make sure they stay out of trouble.” She pulled her hand back. “Stay.” She commanded again, so he would know he wasn’t going.

She used her cane to feel her way outside, closing the door behind her. Ace sat down and stared at the door. He would settle there until she got home. He heard Wayne call his name, but he stayed next to the door.

Alison was at the edge of her driveway on her way up to meet Emily. Spencer was standing next to Toby at the car. Emily could hear them talking, which she took as a good sign. Because she knew Toby had a thing for Spencer, but he refused to ask her out because he had some beef with Alison and her family and he didn’t want the trouble. Emily had tried to tell him how juvenile and stupid he was being with his star-crossed lovers “Romeo and Juliet” bullshit, but he’d brushed her off.

And she wasn’t about to piss him off. The fact that Toby was going was one of the main reasons her parents were completely comfortable letting her go out to a party where they didn’t know the family having it, or anything about it.

Pam and Wayne watched from inside. Pam was fretting, because that’s what she always did when Emily went out.

“What if this is a mistake? What if something happens? What if she…”

“Hey, she’s a smart kid. We raised her after all. Let her live her life.” He hugged her.

Pam smiled. Wayne pulling her into his embrace and assuring her that Emily would be fine was all Pam needed to hear to settle down. They watched the kids out the bay window. Toby was talking to Spencer Hastings.

Pam and Wayne didn’t know her or her family very well, but they knew that her parents were highly regarded lawyers. They kept that in mind because it was a possibility they were going to need the services of a good attorney soon. There was a murky history they were hiding from everyone in town, something very few people knew about. And they intended to keep it that way. For the sake of their daughter. They watched as she joined her friends.

“So it’s _not_ from _Game of Thrones_?” Toby asked Spencer, thrown by her costume.

Spencer shook her head, glancing at the SWAT uniform he had on. They certainly looked like a ridiculous pair. Spencer was wearing a medieval dress, because despite Alison’s protests that she go as something cool and recognizable, Spencer hadn’t listened. She’d bought some costume of a martyr back in the Middle Ages that she was undoubtedly going to be explaining to every person who crossed her path tonight. Alison thought about it. The bitch probably liked the attention.

“Em, you look perfect.” Alison gushed as she met up with Emily.

She looked more than perfect. She looked like a goddamn Goddess. Emily had really pulled the costume off. She had the whip portion taped to her cane. She was so glad she’d convinced Emily to go for it, because the costume could certainly come in handy down the line.

Alison swished her fabulous Lady Gaga doo, and then they walked out to the car together. It was just the four of them. Aria and Ezra were coming from another party at his dorm. They were going to be a little late. Spencer had offered to drive Alison and Emily, knowing for a fact that Toby would want to ride with Emily. Caleb was driving Hanna, Mona, Mike, and Lucas.

Emily and Alison sat in the back while Toby sat up front with Spencer. They listened as Spencer tried to explain English Reformation to him. Alison was sitting in the middle seat in the back, claiming that the seatbelt behind the driver’s side wouldn’t latch, but she really just wanted to be next to Emily, as close as she could possibly get to her.

Their bodies were so close that their knees were touching. Their thighs rubbed together every time they hit a bump or took a turn. Emily heard Alison breathe deeply, trying to keep her hormones in check. Emily felt the same thing. That feeling, that spark…it was back, and it was throbbing. No words were exchanged as they turned towards one another.

Alison put her hand on Emily’s thigh and slowly started moving her fingers inward, just to see what she would do. Emily thought about it for a few seconds, then did the same to Alison. Their fingers both dared to linger lower, delve deeper, dared to test the other woman’s stamina.

Alison felt her inner walls pulsing as Emily’s touch grew closer and more intimate. Alison propped her tongue against the top of her teeth and grinned when she slipped her hand underneath Emily’s skirt. Emily squeezed her inner thigh in return and Alison nearly bit through her tongue. Alison found the sensitive area on Emily’s thigh where she was ticklish and pinched her there. Emily’s face turned red and she clenched her teeth as she fought back a laugh. A subdued sound between a snort and a whimper slipped out and they both froze.

But Spencer was still on a tangent about no one appreciating a good education, so neither Toby nor Spencer had heard the noise.

“I mean, am I the only one in this car who cares about History?” Spencer complained. “Emily, you must have some kind of appreciation for it, right? Your dad is in the army, isn’t he?”

Alison and Emily both rapidly pulled their fingers away from each other just as Spencer looked in the rearview mirror.

“Uh…” Emily’s tone was teetering in between nervous and turned on. “Yeah. I mean, he taught me the importance of strategy in certain historical wars and battles. And talking about that turned into cultural studies and traditional and non-traditional religions and how they started. I do pretty well in History since I know about the movements and reformations. The importance of knowing our history is instrumental in making sure we don’t repeat its mistakes.”

Alison smiled. Her girl was so fucking smart. That was hot. _She_ was hot.

“Thank God, someone else who gets it is in this car.” Spencer sounded exasperated.

“I’ll…try not to take offense to that?” Toby replied jokingly.

Alison snorted, because her cousin was _so_ clueless when it came to social interactions with potential partners. It made her feel better about how she was handling herself when it came to Emily. She was admittedly emotionally all over the place, but she wasn’t flat out insulting her for not knowing _Sparta_ or _Braveheart_ or whatever.

“I was just giving you a hard time.” Spencer recovered quickly. “You’re falling asleep over there on me. Can’t have my copilot sleeping in the cockpit.”

_She so wants HIS cockpit._

“Aye aye, captain.” Toby winked.

 _Nice save, cous._ Alison was impressed.

Spencer went back to chatting with Toby. Alison reached out quietly and took Emily’s hand. She leaned into the brunette’s shoulder and Emily rested her cheek against Alison’s head. Spencer glanced back in the rearview and saw the relaxed smiles on their faces. She couldn’t help but smile, because they were pretty adorable together.

They were so lost in each other that they barely realized when Spencer had stopped yammering Toby’s ear off as she was parking the car down the road from Noel’s place.

The party was already off and popping. Toby climbed out of the car first. He was going to help Emily out, but she shooed him away, trying to guide him in Spencer’s direction. He opened Spencer’s door to be chivalrous.

“Thank you, kind sir.” Spencer stepped out and dipped down in a curtsy.

A curtsy. She did a _fucking_ curtsy. Alison smirked and then whispered to Emily that Spencer was bowing for Toby. Emily snickered, because she knew Toby would eat it up. Alison climbed out and then helped Emily out. When they got to the front porch they heard a loud whooping noise.

Noel Kahn.

He was already wasted. He was wearing a pair of baby blue scrubs and a matching scrub cap. He had a stethoscope around his neck.

“Alright! Now it’s a party!” Noel walked over to them to check out their costumes.

“M’Lady…” Noel smiled at Alison. She tightened her hand around Emily’s to make a point. _I’m not your fucking lady. I’m hers._ “…Gaga.” Noel added.

He glanced at Emily and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. He had no idea she’d been hiding a figure like that. He thought back to the first day they’d seen her in the cafeteria and Ben’s question of “bang or no?” had a definitive “yes” as an answer. Alison saw him staring and she glared daggers at him.

“Emily. Rowr. Looking good.” He reached out and touched the top of her cane, running his fingers over the attached whip. Alison almost slapped the shit out of him.

He looked at Alison, a knowing look in his eyes. The little fucker knew exactly what he was doing. He grinned smugly at her before pulling his fingers away.

“Where’s the lion? Did you tame him already?” Noel questioned.

“I’ve found that the key to taming wild beasts is giving them something shiny to distract them.” Emily replied in a nonchalant manner.

Noel had to bite his lip to keep from telling her he had a wild beast in his pants she could tame. But he knew Alison would rip him a new one for it, so he refrained.

“…or neuter them.” Emily added with a dark smile.

 _That’s my girl._ Alison laughed silently and then glanced at Noel with an expression that said, _“Go on. Keep acting like a wise-ass. Because I’ll bet on her every time.”_

Noel took a step back from Emily and Alison and then looked over at Toby and Spencer.

“Hastings…” Noel looked her over, trying to figure out her costume. “ _Game of Thrones_?” He tipped his red solo cup up to his mouth and took a sip.

“It’s actually Anne Boleyn. She was married to Henry the Eighth.” She noticed Noel staring blankly at her. “She was eventually beheaded and became a movement to the English Reformation in the 1500s.” Still nothing. Did he even pay attention in History?

“Cool?” Noel wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Sick _Game of Thrones_ costume!” A drunk guy from behind Noel exclaimed.

“Yeah, sure.” Spencer gave up. “Fine. It’s _Game of Thrones._ Fucking dragons are more important than an entire country’s political movement,” she muttered.

“And…the fun police?” Noel looked at Toby.

“It’s SWAT, actually.” Toby glared back at him, an alpha male gravitas to his tone. “Seriously Whooping Ass Tonight.” He said without skipping a beat, letting Noel know that if he even thought about crossing any lines with his friends he wouldn’t hesitate.

“Kind of ironic that a jailbird is dressed a cop, but okay.” Noel snarked back, letting Toby know that he was on _his_ turf and no one was going to tell him what to do.

Spencer saw Toby’s face flush in anger. She grabbed him and headed for the drink station before he could throw a punch. She would not be happy if she got Noel blood all over her non- _Game of Thrones_ costume, though the blood would add authenticity of the violence of a beheading. But with this crowd it would more than likely be seen as dragon's blood.

“So, what kind of doctor are you? A urologist? Because you certainly like to whip dicks out.” Alison frowned at him.

Alison surprised herself jumping in to defend Toby, of all people. But Emily’s friends were her friends and she didn’t stand for anyone hassling them. Besides, Noel had been rubbing her all the wrong ways lately, strutting around like he had something to prove…like he was better than she was, that _she_ wasn’t worthy of _him_. It really pissed her off. Noel noticed her sneering at him.

“Aw, come on, I was just hazing him.” Noel shrugged. “We’re all here to have a good time. If it’ll make you feel any better I’ll go over and tell him I’m sorry.” He rubbed Alison’s arm.

Emily felt her flinch at his touch and she frowned. She felt the urge to smack him in the shin with her walking stick. She made a motion like she was getting ready to walk and used the cane as a feeler, knowing exactly where it was going to land. It slapped his leg with purpose.

“Oh, ow, easy there, Ringling Sister.” He moved back.

“Sorry.” She smiled innocently. “I thought you were a little more to my left. I was just trying to get past you to check in on my cousin.”

Alison looked at her and she knew immediately that Emily had done it on purpose. She had to resist grabbing her and hauling her into the first empty room they could find. Because _fuck_ , she was turning her on.

 _She’s perfect_.

“I’ll come with. I really was just bustin his nuts.” Noel offered.

“You might want to let him cool off first.” Emily suggested. “He’s liable to rearrange your face right now.” She knew her cousin, and she knew his temper.

“Thanks for the tip.” Noel nodded. “You two lovely ladies have fun tonight, okay? The food, and more importantly the drinks…” He held his cup up like it was the Holy Grail, “…are in the kitchen. My brothers are running some games downstairs in the pool room. So just relax, get your party on. And uh…” He sized both women up with a grin. “Halloween _is_ all about freaks, so if either of you get the urge, I’m all about freaks in the sheets…”

Emily could feel Alison shaking in anger, so she pulled her towards the music to get her away from Noel before she could knee him in the crotch.

“Why did you warn him about Toby? I, for one, would have liked to see him get his lights knocked out.” Alison grumbled as she wrapped her arm around Emily’s and guided her through the crowd.

“That was more for Toby’s sake than his,” Emily said as they came to an open area on the dance floor. “He already has one strike on his record.”

Alison bit her cheek as she tried to push away her guilt. If she hadn’t thrown that cherry bomb into the Cavanaugh’s garage Toby wouldn’t have that strike on his record.

“The last thing Toby needs is to get hauled in for breaking someone’s nose,” Emily said. “My family doesn’t need any more drama.”

For the first time, Alison heard a strange hesitance and irritation in her tone. It was a tone she’d not heard before. It was also the first negative-skewed thing she’d ever heard Emily say about her family.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”

“No. It’s fine.” Emily abruptly cut her off. “Everyone has their own set of familial issues, right?” She forced a smile on to her face.

“Right…” Alison nodded, looking at her curiously.

She waited for Emily to elaborate, but instead she started swaying with the beat. Alison joined her. But she couldn’t help but be distracted by Noel across the dance floor, cutting up and laughing with everyone. After two songs of her staring at him, Emily put her palm against Alison’s side and squeezed gently. Alison felt like jumping out of her skin. Emily’s touch felt like an electric current running through her veins.

“Stop worrying so much about Noel Kahn.”

Alison wasn’t surprised Emily had sensed it. Sometimes it’s like the brunette knew her better than she knew herself.

“He just makes me so fucking mad.” Alison moved against Emily, her warmth like a soothing summer day.

She was still pissed, but thanks to Emily she was also now slightly turned on. She held on to Emily’s waist as they moved around. Emily had one hand on Alison’s hip and the other against her arm to follow her motions.

“He only holds power over you because you let him. Don’t give him the satisfaction.” Emily reached down and gripped her hand to try and calm her down.

“Have you learned nothing about me since we met? I don’t _do_ passive.”

Alison glared at Noel, watching as he drunkenly threw his arm around Ezra and then looked at a swarm of girls around them. He grinned at the girls like it was going to suddenly create a vacuum where his coolness multiplied by like a million. Aria furrowed her brow in confusion at Noel acting like they were best friends. Ezra looked back at her, equally as confused. But the girls were totally buying into it. They hung all over him.

It pissed Alison off. It shouldn’t have. Because she didn’t like Noel. She just didn’t like the idea of him being happy. Two girls moved aside and she saw Ben standing with Noel, the two of them laughing like brothers.

_What. The. Fuck?_

What the fuck was Ben Coogan doing at Noel’s party? Noel had basically begged to stay in Alison’s inner-circle, going as far as telling her that he’d drop Ben, too, if it would make her happy. Alison said she didn’t want Ben around because of the comments he made about Emily. Yet there he stood.

They had fucking planned this.

Ben made eye contact with Alison. He had a smug grin on his face as he raised his cup and nodded his head at her.

_Cocky little shit._

As she turned on the dance floor with Emily she saw Ben staring at Emily’s ass. He turned to Noel and said something and then they were both looking at Emily like two drooling morons. Alison’s nostrils flared.

 _Avert your fucking eyes before I rip them out of your dumb faces._ She snarled in their direction.

The song changed from an upbeat melody to a slower song. Alison was so busy fuming over Noel and Ben that she had barely noticed that Emily had taken the lead and she was mindlessly following along.

“You know what? I think we should get back at Noel for what he said to Toby,” Alison said.

She had an embarrassing video of Noel getting his chest waxed when he was drunk. He’d cried. She could play that for his “crowd”. She also had some embarrassing pictures of him dressed in a bikini with a dildo taped to his head. And there was also that rumor she’d heard from Sara that he cried after the first time he had sex.

They were such buffoons. And they were even more idiotic when they drank. An idea suddenly sprang to mind. They would _definitely_ be playing truth or dare later. And she had the perfect dare to put them in their place.

“Alison…” Emily said, the pitch of her voice lowering with a warning tone.

But Alison wasn’t listening. She wasn’t thinking about the fact that this was the _exact_ same kind of behavior that had blinded Emily. It was her revenge plot on Jenna for hurting her brother that had hurt three people. But she wasn’t thinking with her brain. She was thinking with her heart. And her heart was a fucking idiot with a temper that would put _Scarface_ to shame.

It was her dumbass heart that led her into goading Ben and Noel into a dare a few hours later when they were good and drunk. She’d made an anonymous phone call to the police about boys indecently exposing themselves in public. She played the part of a sobbing scared innocent girl very well.

She wasn’t thinking at the time what kind of ramifications her actions would cause. She never did when she was in the heat of the moment. She had no idea that it was going to come back around on her. In the worst possible way.

She calmly hung up the phone and exited the bathroom to rejoin the game. Then she dared Noel and his friends to strip and run naked out near the lake. The cops were waiting for them when they followed through on the dare.

Alison knew the plan had worked when Eric, Noel’s brother, got a call that he was being detained with Ben and two other guys. Alison considered it a victimless crime because she knew Eric would talk the cops out of filing any actual charges. That’s how the Kahn family worked. Eric was good friends with two cops on the force. The Kahns could basically get away with murder. But at the very least she knew Noel and Ben would be in the drunk tank for a few hours, if not overnight.

Alison smirked in satisfaction when Eric left his own party in a huff to take care of his idiot brother.

“Guess the “Kahn-man” lived up to his middle school nickname. They probably saw him flapping with his not-so-9 millimeter in the breeze and nabbed him for a bunch of _penal_ code violations.” Hanna sniggered.

Alison was downright proud of the insult. She was starting to think Hanna wasn’t a complete dud after all.

Hanna reached into her diamond-studded purse, which topped off her Marilyn Monroe costume. The bag was slung over her shoulder. She pulled out her phone to start a text-chain about Noel. She’d been waiting for Noel to get his comeuppance for what felt like forever. She quickly sent out a group message to most of the school.

“Guys like him are generally over-compensating. My guess is they’d need a microscope to even see the little pea-shooter.” Emily added with a laugh.

 _Well, she’s not wrong_. Alison thought of the few times she’d seen Noel’s package. It wasn’t anything to write home about, though she didn’t have a lot to compare it to.

“The cops were probably too busy laughing to feel threatened.” Alison nodded with a chuckle.

“Looks like Noel was the real jailbird tonight.” Spencer smiled at Toby.

“I’m just sorry I wasn’t there and didn’t get to gloat while judging from the sidelines in my SWAT uniform.” Toby laughed.

Alison felt Emily nudge her and she looked over. It was a touch that told her that she felt something in the air between Spencer and Toby.

Hanna saw the motion, and without any prompting from her best friend whatsoever she grabbed Caleb and insisted that they both needed refills on their drinks.

“My cup is still half full…” Caleb frowned at her in confusion and looked down at his cup.

 _Oh, Caleb._ Alison rolled her eyes. Genius with a computer, but couldn’t see sparks in humans that were right in front of his face.

Hanna didn’t miss a beat. She forcefully knocked the cup out of his hand and it fell to the ground.

“There. Now it’s empty. Come on.” She grabbed him and pulled him away, all the while he had a _“what the fuck? I’m dating a psycho…”_ look on his face.

“Okay, someone needs to cut her off.” Toby watched them disappear.

Alison peered at Toby curiously. Was Toby just as clueless as Caleb? Oh, boys were so funny.

Emily took Alison’s hand.

“Hey, dance with me?” Emily asked.

Alison wasn’t going to argue with that. She helped Emily to her feet and they walked away to give Spencer and Toby time to connect. When they got far enough away Emily leaned close to Alison’s cheek.

“Are they talking?” she asked quietly.

“What else would they be doing? Macking all over one another in front of the entire student body?” Alison laughed. She watched her cousin and Emily’s cousin smiling at one another. “I don’t get why he won’t just ask her out. They’re both clearly in to each other.”

“Yes, what would keep two clearly interested parties from diving into the deep end together?” Emily grinned at Alison, clearly a shot at their slow-growing relationship.

Alison ran her fingertips against Emily’s arm. Emily exhaled heavily. Alison’s touch had a weird way to her heart. They spun around as the song came to a close. After the upbeat melody ended, a slow one took its place. A few beats into the song Emily recognized it. She drew Alison closer to her body as Rihanna’s _Stay_ echoed on the dance floor. Alison didn’t say anything. It just felt right. Emily held her as they danced around, her arm gripping Alison’s lower back, pulling her closer. Alison wrapped her arms around Emily’s shoulders.

_“Round and around and around we go…”_

Alison closed her eyes, getting lost in Emily’s motions.

_“Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move. Makes me feel I can’t live without you. It takes me all the way…”_

She laid her cheek against Emily’s shoulder. She nuzzled against the warmth of her neck and let out a sigh. When she was in her arms she felt like an entirely different person. She was a new Alison. Emily’s Alison. And only Emily’s.

She fell further into a state of content oblivion and she started to feel things happening not only in her body, but in her soul. The dance they were doing was far beyond anything physical. They were connecting on a level that took them to a different realm of reality. It was like they were speaking without words, their bodies reciting a poetry that was familiar and safe, but also new and exciting.

Alison smiled. Nothing else in life mattered because she was right here in the moment with the girl that she loved. Emily fed a part of her soul that she hadn’t even realized was hungry. And not just hungry. _Starving_. Time with her was nourishment for her whole body.

 _“_ … _I want you to stay.”_

The melody slowed down. They stayed in their embrace for another two songs before Alison realized they were dangerously close to missing Emily’s curfew, and to crossing over into less than friendly territory. Alison didn’t want their night to end. She felt like she wouldn’t be able to breathe when she let Emily go.

Emily’s hand was on the small of her back. Alison had one hand on her hip guiding her and her other arm casually resting over one of Emily’s broad shoulders. Alison pulled back to look at her. Their faces were so close that their lips were practically touching. Alison looked at her lips for a few seconds and then shook her head to bring herself out of her trance.

“We…we should probably find Toby and Spencer. I don’t want to get you two in trouble for being past your curfew.” Alison slid her hand down Emily’s arm and then linked them together so she could help her off of the dance floor. Before they could start moving another slow song came on.

“Just one more dance?” Emily asked.

She felt their connection, too. Alison smiled, a warm feeling overcoming her. She pulled Emily back into a gentle embrace.

“Sure.”

She wasn’t going to say no. She’d dance with the girl forever.

Unfortunately, like most things in life, forever eventually came to an end and they had to call it a night.

The drive home was quiet. Emily seemed completely exhausted, nearly falling asleep on the way, but Alison was still buzzing from the night they’d shared. Alison felt like every minute she had with her was special.

When they pulled up to Emily’s house to drop her off Alison walked her to the door while Spencer and Toby said goodbye at the car.

“Tonight was really fun.” Emily stopped when they got to her stoop.

She smiled, and Alison could see, could _feel_ that she really meant it. Emily didn’t want the night to end. Alison didn’t either. Because Halloween was all about facing fears and doing things that were scary. For both of them that fear was their intimacy with each other. That fear – the secrets that loomed between them shadowed them like a mystical beast in the darkness. But none of that would matter in the end. The only thing that mattered was the fact that when all of that fell away the only thing they would be able to see would be each other.

When they were dancing they’d both been able to just be in the moment with each other. But now they were standing together, no music to guide them. There was so much more underneath the surface. The pretenses had fallen away. They weren’t just hanging out together as friends at a party. All they had was the light wind in the trees and the sounds of insects singing in the night. And Alison was terrified, because all she could think about was how the sounds of nature had been echoing in her mind since their kiss at Spring Cove. And the only thing she was thinking about doing was grabbing her face and recreating that day, and taking it further. She felt like kissing her, like _being_ with her.

“It was.” Alison agreed. _God, I want to kiss you. Please. Kiss me. Can we just make out for a little bit? Can I touch your stomach? Your tits? Your face? ANYTHING?_ “Sorry I lost my cool about Noel.” Alison bit her lip in shame.

But Emily didn’t even skip a beat. She reached down and gripped Alison’s hand with a smile.

“It’s fine. You’re passionate. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I really like the way you look at things.” Alison gently squeezed her hand back. “We need to hang out more often.” She glanced back Spencer and Toby when she heard Spencer laugh loudly at something. “Just the two of us.”

“But what will the neighbors think?” Emily feigned a disapproving gasp.

“See, that’s the genius part of my plan. When they stop and stare we’ll just humbly apologize for being so radiant and offer them a cheap pair of sunglasses that we’ve marked up like 400 times to protect their eyesight from our bright rays.”

“And what will we do with our scammed money?” Emily asked with intrigue.

“Run away to live in Paris, of course.” She trailed her fingertips along the bracelet she’d given Emily. “Open a little boutique right outside a villa on the French Riviera.”

“You’re just full of surprises.” Emily smiled.

“Ali, we need to get going!” Spencer called from the curb. “If I’m late my mom and dad will be pissed.”

“Oh, pipe down, Spence.” Alison turned around to face her. “Your parents don’t even know you’re gone.” Ever since her older sister Melissa had gone off to college her parents had basically been acting like empty-nesters, sometimes even forgetting that Spencer was there. “And even if you _are_ a little late, what are they going to do? Bark at you passive-aggressively for a week? Take away your homework privileges? Make you actually interact with people instead of read?”

Spencer nodded, knowing Alison had a point. The truth was that she wasn’t really afraid of her parents coming down on her. She just liked her routine and she didn’t like to be late.

“Good night, Alison.” Emily squeezed her hand once more before gently pulling it away.

Alison hated losing the feeling of her touch. She frowned and then sighed softly.

“ _Au revoir_ , Emily.”

She paused in her motions, really wanting to lean in for a kiss. But after a few seconds, and the movement of some shadows behind the curtains in Emily’s house, Alison just said goodbye and walked away.

Emily turned around and felt for the door handle. Inside the house, her parents darted around like two teenagers afraid they were going to get busted by their daughter for snooping on her. Pam and Wayne scurried back on to the couch. Ace lifted his sleepy head from the arm of the couch and looked at them like they were crazy.

It had taken an hour after Emily left, but Wayne had _finally_ convinced Ace to move away from the front door and had coaxed him in the living room with them. He’d been snoozing on the couch ever since.

But the instant he saw Emily walk in he hopped off of the couch and walked over to her. Emily heard him coming and couldn’t help but smile. He nudged his nose against her leg and she reached down and ran her palm over his head.

“Hey, baby girl, did you have fun?” Wayne asked.

Emily had a serene expression on her face that answered for her. She nodded with a smile.

“We had a great time.” Emily shuffled on her feet. “What about you two? Did we have any trick-or-treaters?”

“A few.” Wayne smiled. “Saw a lot of little superheroes, some ninja turtles, and adorable princesses.”

“After we gave out the candy your father scared them all away with his terrifyingly bad Halloween jokes.” Pam shoved Wayne lovingly.

“Hey, I happen to find it very funny that a ghost’s favorite thing to wear are _boo_ jeans.”

“Dad, stop…”

But he was already getting started.

“Hey, Emmy, where is the best place to film a werewolf movie?”

“Oh, God.” She muttered under her breath in embarrassment, yet she still couldn’t stop herself from playing into it. “Where?”

“ _Howl_ -lywood!” He roared in laughter, as if he hadn’t told the joke eight hundred times already. He slapped his knee.

“You’re such a dork, dad.” Emily laughed.

“What’s a mummy’s favorite kind of music?”

“I’m going to bed now.” Emily started sauntering away.

“WRAP music!” He exclaimed. “Straight out of Rosewood, the Notorious D-A-D!”

“Goodnight!” Emily disappeared out of her parents’ view.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” Pam smiled, her voice had a slight tension of unease in it.

Normally, Emily could tell when something was off with her mother. Wayne was good at hiding behind his dorky dad routine, but Pam wore her feelings on her sleeves. And Emily could almost always sense it. But she was still so busy wrapped up in her night with Alison that she’d missed her mom’s emotions.

Emily went towards her room to get changed for bed. Pam and Wayne waited until they heard her door shut and then they faced one another.

“I know what you’re going to say.” Wayne frowned.

“Honey, we’ve been avoiding it for two weeks. When are we going to tell her?” Pam asked, leaning into her husband’s chest.

“She’s so happy.” Wayne wrapped his large fingers around Pam’s smaller ones. “Let’s let her enjoy tonight. We’ll worry about it in the morning.”

“You’ve said that every night for the past week and a half.” Pam frowned at him. She chewed on her lip. “It’s going to send her spiraling.”

“It won’t.” Wayne assured her. “She’s stronger than you give her credit for.”

Pam huffed out a sigh. She knew he was right.

“I know. It’s just…no matter how old she gets…”

“She’ll always be our baby.” Wayne nodded.

“What are we going to do?” Pam was on the verge of tears.

“We’ll figure it out.”

They curled up on the couch again. Wayne unmuted the television. Shortly after, Pam fell asleep in his embrace while watching an old black and white movie. Wayne turned the volume down and sighed, trying not to think about how they had _just_ gotten their daughter, who had spent her entire life in a world of instability, somewhat stable. She was happy in Rosewood. Happier than they’d seen her in a long time. And now they were going to have to shatter that happiness and break the news and tell her that the stability she was starting to build a solid foundation on wasn’t as solid as they thought.


	10. Window to the Soul

* * *

**Chapter 10:**

**Window to the Soul**

It took an additional three days before Emily’s parents were able to bring themselves to give her the news. In the end, Pam’s stubbornness won out over Wayne wanting to protect his daughter. She’d made a valid point that Emily deserved to choose how they should spend their remaining days together before everything went to hell. Wayne knew she was right. So they caught her one morning before school.

“Hey, Em, can you come in here for a second?” Her mom called from the kitchen as she was heading towards the front door. “We need to talk to you.”

Emily didn’t like her mother’s tone of voice. Pam and Wayne glanced at one another. They had debated on telling her before or after school. Either way, they decided, there was no _good_ time to tell her. At least she would have school and her friends for a distraction if they told her this morning.

Emily felt the tension when she walked into the room. It was never this quiet when her parents were around one another. She could hear her mother’s uneven breaths. She could hear her dad tapping his middle finger against the table nervously. All habits she’d learned over the years. She knew exactly what it was about before either one of them spoke. They didn’t have to say anything for Emily to know what they needed to talk to her about. She reached out to find the back of a chair at the kitchen table.

“When?” Emily sat down next to her father.

“I have to be on base in Texas in two weeks.” Wayne put his hand on top of Emily’s.

She pulled away, unable to deal with the emotional pain that came with losing time with her dad to his job, and the very real possibility that the little time she had with him before he was shipped off was the last time she’d get to see him.

“I’ll be there for a few weeks for training and then I’ll get my assignment,” Wayne stated.

Emily didn’t say anything. She just nodded in silence. She absentmindedly picked at her nail beds. She felt mother’s soft hand land on top of hers and pull her fingers away before she could do any damage to her cuticles. Pam put her other hand against Emily’s shoulder. Emily felt the tears burning her nose, but she refused to let them out.

“Emily…”

“I’m fine, mom.” Emily pulled her shoulder away. Her tone told a different story. But she wasn’t in the mood to cry. She knew it wouldn’t change anything.

“Sweetie…”

“I said I’m fine.” Emily bit back tears. She cleared her throat. “I’m not a little kid anymore. I know how this goes.”

“The good news is that we’ll be able to go out to the base to see him before…”

“I have to go.” Emily interrupted her mom. “I’m going to be late for school.” She felt around for Ace’s lead and whistled for him and then stood up. She grabbed her cane.

A few seconds later they heard a knock at the front door. The door opened and Hanna shouted a “good morning!” to the Fields family.

“Good morning, Hanna.” Wayne followed his daughter into the foyer.

Hanna saw that Emily was in a hurry. She noticed the tension. She could tell something was off. But before she could ask what was up Emily was already walking out of the house.

Her gaze met Mr. Fields solemn expression. Hanna knew something was really wrong. She suddenly felt like a little kid who was about to be told her cat had died.

“Is she okay?” Hanna questioned quietly, swallowing a nervous lump in her throat.

“She’s just upset.” Wayne sighed, looking at his daughter and her dog making her way down the driveway. “She just found out that I’ve got orders to be deployed again.”

Hanna’s heart sank. She didn’t like it any more than Emily did when he was shipped off overseas. Emily and Pam constantly worried about him. Hanna remembered one time when he was deployed when she was little Emily cried herself to sleep every night for a month.

“What?” Her lower lip faltered. “But…you just got here.”

She loved Emily’s parents like they were her own. Wayne had always treated her like she was his child, and since her father was out of the picture Wayne was the closest thing she had to a dad.

Wayne saw the look on her face and sighed. His expression softened.

“I know. But it’s my job, kiddo.” He pulled her in for a hug.

Hanna felt her eyes suddenly get wet. The living room behind them was blurry. She blinked away the waterworks and pulled back, wiping her eyes before he could see that she’d started to cry. She turned and looked at Emily.

“I’ll keep an eye on her today.” Hanna promised.

“Thank you, Hanna.” Wayne’s eyes darted towards Emily and Ace again.

“Any time, Mr. Fields.”

“Oh, come on. I’ve known you since you were in diapers, kid. You’ve known me long enough to call me Mr. _Staff Sergeant_ Fields.” He teased, and Hanna laughed. “Or just Wayne.”

There was a beat of silence and she started to try and say it, but her brain just wouldn’t allow it.

“Nope.” She shook her head. “Can’t do it. My Grandmother says it’s impolite to call our elders by their first names.”

“ _Elders_.” Wayne snorted. “Making me sound like a grandpappy with peppermints in his pockets and falling asleep watching the news.”

“Don’t you do that every Saturday?” Hanna lifted a brow in a teasing manner.

“Yeah, sure. You darn kids these days. Now _get off my lawn_!” He feigned being an angry old man.

Hanna laughed and then said goodbye. Wayne slowly closed the door. What he really wanted to do was dash outside and scoop his daughter up in a hug and never let her go. But she wasn’t a baby anymore. She processed differently. And he was trying to respect that. He knew that Hanna and her other friends would make sure she was okay at school.

He walked back into the kitchen with his wife. She was underneath an open cabinet holding a can in her hands. She was just staring at the label. She was more or less staring off in to space. Wayne walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. It snapped her out of her trance.

“What are you doing?” He questioned.

“I wanted to make Emily paella for dinner tonight. But the only cans of chicken broth I have are the high protein reduced fat kind. And Emily doesn’t like the taste of those. She likes the fat-free low sodium, and I can’t ever find it anywhere.”

“Pam, Emmy and I both adore your cooking, but that’s not going to fix this.”

“Well, I have to do something!” Pam slammed the can down in irritation, tears stinging her eyes. “This isn’t fair. Hasn’t this family been through enough?”

“It’s what we signed up for when I took the job.”

Though things had been dramatically different back then. It was before they’d had Emily. After she came along it got harder and harder for him to leave his girls. He knew how much it tore them up. He’d felt Emily’s heartache. And he could feel Pam’s distress. He rubbed her shoulder to try and calm her down.

Emily and her mother were a lot alike. Emily had a hot temper like Pam. And they both suppressed things to the point where it just took one little event to set them off and there would be a massive emotional explosion. Pam turned around to face her husband.

“But right before Thanksgiving?”

“If it hadn’t happened before Thanksgiving it would have been something else. Christmas. Her birthday. Our anniversary. It’s not a 9 to 5…”

“I know. But…” Pam tried to be rational, but her emotions were all over the place. “What about Emily? She still needs you.”

“She’s a tough kid. She’ll be okay. And she understands how this works.”

“Can’t you ask for extended leave?”

“You know it doesn’t work that way. And I’ve pretty much exhausted all my favors. I had to pull a lot of strings to get from Fort McPherson to Ellington Field. It didn’t come without a cost.”

“What if something happens when you’re away?” Pam bit her lip. “What if…”

“Pam…” He stopped her from spiraling. She always lost it when it came to him leaving their family. “Everything will be fine.” Wayne kissed the top of her head. “Rosewood is a good place. We have friends here. Family. Emily is fine. She’s adjusting well. She has Hanna, Aria, and Toby. And she’s even made some new friends.”

“Who? That Alison girl?” Her face scrunched up into a frown.

“You don’t like her?”

“No, it’s not that. I just…I’ve heard things about that family.”

“Through who? The rumor mill?” Wayne rolled his eyes. “You can’t believe everything you hear from Marion. I love my sister. I do. But she’s not the best person to get information from. After the whole Jenna and Jason break-up she soured on the whole family. Jenna really fueled that fire. You know how Marion gets about those kids.” He took Pam’s hands. “The woman loves to gossip, and sometimes that means creating her own content. If Emmy likes Alison there must be something to her. And let’s face it, she’s going to need support while I’m away.”

“How am I going to do this without you?” Pam put her cheek against Wayne’s chest.

“You’ll be fine.” He smiled down at her.

“How am I supposed to stay together without you around to keep me from falling apart?”

“I’ll make sure the place is stocked with super glue and duct tape.” Wayne kissed her knuckles. “Besides, everyone knows that you’re the real rock of this family.” He pulled her into a tight embrace. “Come on, why don’t I take you out for breakfast?” He glanced at the can on the counter. “And on the way home we’ll stop at the store to get the chicken broth…the kind that Emily likes.”

Pam nodded and went to get changed out of her robe, grabbing her coffee on the way out. Wayne knew his girls were going to have a hard time with it. They always did. He knew Pam would cry and that Emily would shut down.

He knew his daughter well…so well that he knew that she hadn’t said anything to Hanna other than a “hello” as they got Ace situated in the back of her car before they both climbed up front.

The second Hanna started the ignition, she turned to Emily. Emily felt her best friend’s eyes on her.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Emily mumbled.

“I know.” Hanna didn’t push her. Instead, she hooked her phone up to her stereo system and put on a playlist of Emily’s favorite songs. “You want _The Brew_ or _Starbucks_?”

“Whichever you want.” Emily shrugged, sinking down in her seat.

It was so hard for Hanna to let Emily distance herself, but she’d known her since they were little and she knew there was nothing she could do but simply be her friend.

“It fucking sucks, Em.” She put the car in drive. “I’m sorry. And I promise that’s all I’ll say about it.”

“Thanks, Han.”

Emily felt tears stinging her eyes, but she smiled weakly at her best friend. Hanna _understood_ her and that was why they were best friends in the first place. Well, technically they were friends because Emily had saved Hanna’s life when they were two.

Hanna had lost control of her tricycle one day on the playground and was careening towards a terrifying death over by the teeter-totters when Emily had run up beside her. She had simply grabbed the handlebars and brought the trike to a stop. Hanna had leaped off of the little vehicle and thrown her arms around Emily and exclaimed,

 _“You save-ed me! You’re my best friend now!”_ She’d dragged Emily over to her mother, Ashley, and definitively told her, _“This is my new best friend, mommy. Can we take her home with us forever and ever?”_

Of course, Ashley and Pam knew one another so they let the girls continue their little playdate at Hanna’s house.

They’d pretty much been inseparable ever since. They had been through thick and thin together. Hanna stuck with Emily the first time her dad had been deployed when she was four. And Emily stayed by Hanna’s side when Hanna’s parents got divorced when she was six.

Even when Emily moved they stayed in touch, spending weekends, summers, and holidays together. And when they weren’t together they wrote, called, and texted each other all the time.

They knew everything about each other. So Hanna had learned pretty much everything there was to know about her best friend. She knew when she was in pain. And she knew the only thing she could do was let her drown her sorrows out with music and food.

And the fact that Hanna _knew_ that is why Emily loved her. Neither one of them had any siblings. They’d grown up as sisters.

They pulled into the parking lot a few minutes late, but neither one of them cared. Hanna shut the car off and reached back to undo Ace’s seatbelt harness. Then she turned to face Emily.

“It goes without saying, but if at any point you need me today…”

“It’s not my first time dealing with it,” Emily said quietly, lying through her smile. “I’ll be fine.”

Hanna knew she was lying. She didn’t say anything. She knew it wouldn’t do any good. Emily didn’t like anyone to see her cry.

Emily tried her best to push it out of her mind. She made it almost halfway through her first class before she felt the first wave of emotions hit her with a ridiculous amount of weight. And of course, none of her friends shared the same first period class with her so she felt completely alone. She started to feel hot under her collar. She could hear the blood rushing through her head, pounding in her skull. She felt invisible walls tightening in around her. She asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and the teacher gave her permission. Emily scurried down the hallway with her cane, Ace leading the way.

Seconds later Alison heard the rhythmic tapping of the walking stick. She heard Ace’s collar jingling and when she looked out of her classroom she saw Emily walking by the partially open door.

She could tell by Emily’s gait and her hurried pace that something was wrong. Alison’s hand shot up while the teacher was mid-lecture.

“Um, can I go to the nurse?” She blurted out.

Her worried expression must have come off as queasiness because the teacher didn’t even bat an eye. He looked more annoyed that she’d interrupted him than he was concerned for her. He told her to go ahead.

Emily disappeared into the bathroom just as Alison was leaving her classroom. She pushed open the handicapped stall and walked in. The door swung closed behind her. She sat back against the seat and pulled her sunglasses off. She’d been unable to stop the tears from dripping all over them. She clutched them in one hand and wiped her face with her other. She blew her nose. She felt around for the little garbage bin on the wall and then tossed the tissue into the trash.

She heard the bathroom door open and then close and heard footsteps approaching. She wanted to die of embarrassment. The last thing she’d wanted was to cause a scene. She froze, trying not to make any noise. Maybe the person would just pee and leave.

The footsteps got closer, and she recognized the scent of her perfume. Her heart sank.

“Em?” It was Alison’s voice. “Are you okay?”

Why had it been her? Alison had already seen her break down once when she was telling her about the tattoo she’d gotten in honor of Maya. She didn’t want Alison to think that she couldn’t keep her shit together. So she didn’t answer.

“Emily? I saw you come in here.” Alison stood at the stall. She could see that it wasn’t locked, but she wasn’t just going to barge in on her. “I can literally see four paws underneath the crack. So unless someone at this school is a werewolf I know it’s you and Ace in there. What’s going on?”

Emily sighed and reached for the door, pushing it forward slowly to give Alison time to move away so she didn’t get hit by it swinging outward.

“I just had kind of a shitty morning.” Emily cleared her throat, reaching to put her sunglasses back on.

But it wasn’t in time to hide her tears. Alison saw her red-rimmed eyes and the streaks her tears had left on her cheeks. All kinds of alarms went off in her head. Had someone done something to her? Said something to her? Who had upset her like this? She would rip their throats out.

“What’s wrong?” Alison asked, kneeling in front of her, gently touching her knees with her fingertips.

Emily didn’t answer her at first, which just heightened Alison’s anger and anxiety. She had the desire to punch something because she didn’t like seeing her girl so upset. Emily drew in a stuffy breath through her nose and pushed herself to her feet. Alison stood with her, gently cupping the underside of her forearms to help her get balanced on her feet.

Alison saw her inch forward and she backed up so they could walk out of the stall. Emily grasped the sink. She reached up and wiped away some of the wetness still coating her cheek, knowing that more tears would accumulate. They always did.

Alison watched her, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to help…because Emily still hadn’t said what had happened. And it was starting to scare her. But she waited. Because whatever it was seemed really difficult for Emily to address.

Emily clenched and unclenched her jaw and then exhaled a heavy sigh. She released her grip on the sink.

“My dad is being deployed.”

Saying it out loud made her want to start crying again. Instead, she decided to shut down and bury it inside. It was easier than dealing with reality.

Alison stiffened her stance. Seeing Emily’s heartbreak made Alison want to overthrow the entire fucking army. She didn’t want Emily’s dad to be taken away from her. She didn’t want to see Emily hurting. She felt murderous. Normally she knew what to do to get her way. But she couldn’t do anything about this. And it killed her.

“He’s leaving in two weeks,” Emily said quietly.

“I’m-so-sorry.” It came out so fast that it sounded like it was all one word. She wrapped her arms around Emily and engulfed her in a hug. “I’m so sorry,” she said again, holding her, her hot breath blowing against the back of Emily’s neck.

She felt Emily reach up with one arm to hug her back. Emily took a shaky breath. Alison felt it against her chest. She held her tighter and rubbed her back soothingly. Emily got lost in the motions for a moment. It didn’t take away her pain, but it was strangely relaxing. She lowered her chin against Alison’s shoulder and just let her hold her. She took in several steady breaths, inhaling Alison’s aroma with each slow inhale. She reached up and cupped the back of Alison’s head, holding her in place. Alison didn’t move until she felt Emily drop her hand.

“Em, what can I do?” Alison pulled back to look at her.

Alison reached over to get a piece of tissue and pulled her sunglasses down and started dabbing the tears from underneath her eyes.

“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“Not about him leaving. For _you_. What can I do for you?” She touched her cheek with her thumb to wipe away a stray eyelash.

“This is just part of it.” Emily shrugged with a sigh. “When someone you love is in the military, your whole family is in it.”

Alison wasn’t sure how to respond. She couldn’t even imagine having a parent away for so long. Her parents traveled a ton and they were barely home, but this was on a completely different level. At least she knew her parents were safe in some bougie hotel when they were gone, not in some active combat zone.

She imagined she’d feel heartbroken and scared to think of them in that situation, even though she didn’t get along with her mom and dad. She still loved them in her own fucked up way. And she’d be very afraid for them if they were fighting overseas. How the hell did Emily and her mom deal with it?

“This is just the life of a military brat. I’ve been dealing with it since I was little,” she said, her emotions settling some. “Still doesn’t make it suck any less.”

Her gaze drifted off for a few seconds before she was able to gauge the area of where Alison’s eyes might be. Somehow, her eyes found Alison’s. And even though Emily couldn’t see her, Alison still felt like Emily was looking into her soul. It was a part of her that Alison didn’t let anyone see. But she wanted to bare it all for Emily. And looking back at her, she could see that Emily wanted the same thing. But there was something holding her back. Still, she could see the part of herself that Emily was trying to hide. She could see her trembling beneath the mask she had put on. And she could see that it was wearing her out.

“Maybe you should sit down for a minute.” Alison suggested.

“I’m fine, Ali.” Emily reached out until she felt Alison’s arm.

 _Oh, baby. You are not fine._ Alison could feel her shaking.

“You don’t look fine,” Alison replied softly.

“I will be. I just need a few minutes to get it together.” Emily tried to clear her throat.

She gently gripped Alison’s arm, like she _had_ to in order to prove to her that she was okay, despite Alison knowing it wasn’t true. Her fingers felt as light as feathers against Alison’s skin. And despite her broken heart, Emily couldn’t help but smile, because Alison was so warm and silky. Her skin was so delicate and felt so pliable.

Alison just let her hold her, to support her in any way that she could. She reached out and gently put her palm against Emily’s waist. She saw another smile break through Emily’s pained expression. She leaned forward until her forehead met Alison’s. Being close to her helped. Feeling her sweet heated breath against her face made the rest of the world fall away for just a few moments.

Emily lifted her head and moved her hand down Alison’s forearm and gripped her fingers. Alison brought their joined hands up to her lips and gently kissed her knuckles. She moved her other hand up and cupped Emily’s cheek.

“You want to get out of here? I can take you home if you…”

“No.” Emily cut her off, her voice strained. “No. I can’t let my mom and dad see me like this.”

“You want to go somewhere else? The…the park? Or my place? My parents and brother are out of town. You could have privacy there.”

“That’s sweet.” She had a wavering smile on her face. “But I have to keep moving forward.” She couldn’t fall apart. She couldn’t afford an emotional breakdown. “I uh…everything has to be normal. It…it has to be routine.”

Routine was familiar. She’d grown up with routine. And right now she needed familiar things to keep her grounded. It was one of the things she’d learned about control when she lost her vision. It was also the only thing that kept her sane when she felt like losing it.

“If I stop to think about it…” Her jaw trembled. “I need the distraction. I need stupid boring school work. I need to freak out over the SATs and laugh at stupid jokes and worry about whether or not I’m wearing matching socks.”

Alison glanced down.

“You are.”

Her comment had done the impossible: made her laugh when her heart was silently splitting in two.

Alison understood Emily’s needs perfectly. She knew Emily had to think about the menial things in life or she’d never stop thinking about the worst case about her dad.

“I just need normalcy, Ali,” Emily said softly. “I need m…”

She stopped short of what she was about to say. There was a pensive look on her face that was a mixture of confusion and sorrow. Alison had a sneaking suspicion she was thinking about Maya. Was Maya who she normally turned to in times like these? How could she even begin to replicate that? Obviously, the girl had meant a great deal to Emily. Alison wasn’t sure how she could even begin to measure up. She saw Emily pause in thought before she continued,

“…my friends. And…” She licked her lips. “…you.”

“I’m here. Just tell me what you want me to do,” Alison said, rubbing her cheek.

“Just stay with me for a few minutes,” Emily said, her breathing softening.

Alison thought about dancing with Emily at Noel’s party. She’d felt so connected to her. And right now it’s like she felt her pain. It made her irrationally angry. How dare the world upset her? Fuck the world. She’d take Emily somewhere safe and then she would blow it up. They didn’t need the world. They just needed each other.

 _I’ll stay with you forever._ She thought.

“Come here.” Alison gently tugged on her hand.

They sat down on a small little two-person bench near the entrance of the restroom. Emily leaned her cheek against Alison’s shoulder. She could smell her shampoo. It was soothing. Neither one of them spoke.

The silence was unsettling to Alison. She felt like Emily was disappearing into her own mind.

“Do you need anything else?” Alison questioned, turning to brush a lock of her hair away from her cheek.

Emily jumped. She seemed startled, like she’d forgotten where they were and what they were doing. She’d completely zoned out. Alison pulled back, not having meant to upset her. But then Emily turned and smiled softly at her.

“Just time.” Emily replied.

“Well, we have plenty of that.” Alison chuckled softly.

“Yeah.” Her response was quiet and sad.

The time she had with her dad was short. Time was such a strange thing. Because it was infinite. It kept moving despite what was happening around it. It was fixed. Something that couldn’t be changed. You couldn’t go back. You could only go forward. It was arguably the most powerful thing that existed. Because would the world be able to keep going forward if time didn’t exist? Or would it just be frozen in a vast state of nothingness?

It was times like these that Emily realized how lucky she was to have parents who loved her, who cared about her no matter what. Not everyone had that. She thought about the girl sitting next to her, comforting her, holding her hand. And she realized just how much love Alison had to give. Yet, she also knew that the blonde had trouble accepting it in return. She knew that Alison had never really been around healthy relationships, so she had nothing to base them on. But she still somehow found it in her heart to care for Emily.

“You know, it takes a special person to risk detention because she bolted out of class to sit with a weepy sad sack in a grungy high school bathroom.” Emily smiled sweetly at her.

“You’re not a sad sack, Em,” Alison said. If anything, she was the epitome of strength. Alison wouldn’t have even been able to get out of bed if she had to say goodbye to someone she loved. “Besides, I’ve skipped for less. It’s kind of my trademark.”

“Well, the teachers may not come down on you, but I don’t want you to get in trouble with your parents.”

“They’re not even here when they’re here.” Alison scoffed.

There was a beat of silent tension. Emily had always suspected that Alison’s home life was less than stellar. It was oftentimes the people who pretended to have it all that were hiding the deepest dirtiest secrets. Emily got the vibe that things weren’t great between Alison’s mom and dad. Sometimes when they hung out Alison would get really quiet, like something was weighing on her mind. She let her bravado down around Emily and she had a certain inflection in her voice when she talked about them. She’d never mentioned anything specific, but Emily knew. She could sense it.

“Does it make you uncomfortable when they fight?” Emily asked softly.

“How…” Once again, the brunette had plucked her darkest secrets from the depths of her mind. “How did you know?”

“When you talk about them you get this weird strain in your voice. It’s like a…” She tried to figure out the best way to describe it. She lifted her hands up and spoke as she moved them to accentuate what she was saying, “…this hesitation with a little bit of tension. It’s because your breathing pattern changes.” She explained. She reached down, putting her hand on top of Alison’s, moving so that two fingers were over the pulse point on her wrist. “And your pulse jumps up.”

 _Or maybe that’s what you do to my heart._ Alison could feel her heart jumping wildly in her chest. She blushed, knowing Emily felt it, too.

“It used to scare me when I was little.” Alison didn’t recognize the voice coming out of her mouth. She sounded so meek and young. “But not so much anymore. I got used to it over the years. Truth be told, I like it when they’re away…”

She stopped harshly in the middle of her sentence. It was like a tether yanking her back into the reality of Emily’s situation. It’s almost like she could feel the snap of her body being flung into a totally different direction, a car skidding to a stop.

 _Her dad is being shipped off, you fuckwit._ Alison felt like smacking herself.

“…and I feel like such an asshole saying that.” Alison lowered her head with a dark laugh. “I mean, with your dad…”

“Hey, this goes both ways,” Emily said, curling her fingers into Alison’s, lacing them together. “I’m here for you, too.”

Alison had known that the first day she’d met her. It bounced off of her like a bright beaming ray of sun. She knew she could trust her, confide in her. She knew she could be herself around her.

“Thanks.” Alison squeezed her hand in appreciation. “But compared to what you have going on right now, it’s not really important.”

“Of course it is.” Emily lowered her other hand until it was against Alison’s thigh. But there was nothing sexual about the touch. Alison looked down and it’s like she could see the love radiating out of Emily’s fingers. “Your life is important to me. _You’re_ important to me, Ali. And I don’t want you to think that just because I’m having a hard time that I can’t be there for you, too.”

“No one has ever done that for me before.” Alison’s face twisted into a perplexed look.

She was used to followers. She was used to people worshiping her. She wasn’t used to people actually _caring_.

“Everyone deserves someone in their life who looks out for them.” Emily replied.

_Maybe I’ve just never deserved it._

“Is…” Alison hesitated, “…is that what we are?”

“We’re whatever you want us to be.”

There was a lingering silence between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a silence that Alison somewhat appreciated. Because she was just there, in the moment. To her, it didn’t matter what they labeled themselves. All she cared about was that they got to be together, in whatever way they possibly could.

“We should…uh…” Emily moved to stand. “We should get back to class.” She held her grip on Alison’s hand, pushing herself to her feet, bringing Alison with her. “I’ll walk you.”

Alison looked down at their joined hands and then back up at Emily. She always had an overwhelming desire to kiss her, but seeing her at her most honest and vulnerable opened something inside of Alison that she couldn’t shut down. She leaned forward, ready to tackle her and mesh their lips together to make her try and forget her pain.

Then she looked around at the setting. She couldn’t let their first _real_ kiss be in the same place where Sara Harvey had given Noel head every Tuesday for a month. The bathroom was a convenient place for a hook-up, but that’s not what Alison wanted for Emily. She wanted more. Emily deserved more.

So instead of kissing her she reached out with her other hand and ran her thumb across the top of Emily’s cheekbone to get rid of the last remnant of her tears. She gently pecked her cheek and then put her sunglasses back on, knowing that if she was under the halogen lights too long without them she might get a headache.

“Thank you, Alison.” Her words meant more than just one thing. The few precious minutes Alison had sat with her had meant more to her than she knew how to say.

But she didn’t have to say it. Because Alison knew.

“Any time.” Alison squeezed her hand. “Look, if you need _anything_ …”

“I know.” Emily nodded, an appreciative smile on her face.

Emily walked her back to class, their hands clutching at one another like a lifeline. Alison squeezed her hand one last time and then told her she’d see her at lunch.

But she didn’t. When lunchtime rolled around the rest of the girls showed, but not Emily.

“Where’s Emily?” Alison questioned when she saw Aria and Hanna walking up with Spencer.

Hanna had a solemn expression on her face and her body stiffened, but she didn’t say anything.

 _She knows._ Alison immediately thought to herself. Of course she knew.

“She went home early. She caught me after second period and asked me to get her assignments for the rest of the day. I don’t think she was feeling well. Maybe an upset stomach or something,” Aria said, sitting down at the table.

 _Or a broken fucking heart_. Alison clenched her fork in her hand. _Goddamn military. Taking my baby’s dad away from her. I hate them._

Aria didn’t mention anything about Mr. Fields being deployed, which meant Emily probably hadn’t told her about it. Emily clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it, so Alison didn’t say a word. And Hanna kept her mouth shut, too, because she knew Emily would tell their friends when she was ready. Alison followed Hanna’s lead at lunch. She knew Emily’s best friend knew the truth. She could tell by the way Hanna was carrying herself.

Alison tried to call Emily numerous times that day, but she kept getting her voicemail. That night she tossed and turned, worried about her and how she was holding up. She sat up in bed, really wanting to text Emily, but it was four in the morning. And she didn’t want to come off as clingy. She was just worried. Instead of bothering Emily, she texted Cece.

_“How do I get a girl who has closed herself off to talk to me again?”_

She didn’t get a response until about an hour later,

 _“Show her your tits.”_ She’d added two peach emojis to the message.

 _“Thanks. So very helpful.”_ Alison replied, the response teeming with sarcasm.

_“Jeeze, why so grumpy? Something happen with you and Americano?”_

_“I’m kinda in crisis-mode here.”_

_“When aren’t you?”_ Cece sent back an emoji rolling its eyes. _“Hang in there, kid. Love is a Battlefield.”_

_“You’re seriously quoting Pat Benatar at me right now? Emily’s dad is being deployed, Cece. What the hell can I do to help her through that?”_

_“Oh shit, Ali. I’m sorry. How is she holding up?”_

_“I don’t know. Because she won’t fucking talk to me.”_

_“Just be there for her when she needs you.”_

_“But I want to be there for her NOW.”_

_“God, you’re annoying when you care. You really love this girl, don’t you?”_

Alison didn’t reply. Because she was too afraid of what the answer meant. Because she did love her. But she hadn’t told her. She didn’t know how. She put her phone down and sighed. She ended up falling asleep shortly afterwards.

After she still hadn’t heard from Emily by breakfast the next day she finally caved and texted her,

_“Just call me and let me know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.”_

It was two hours later when she was standing at her locker in between classes that she got a response,

_“Ace has steered me clear of all ditches. I’m fine.”_

“Oh, you can voice-to-text, but can’t talk to me?” Alison muttered in irritation at her phone.

Her phone vibrated in her hand two seconds later when Emily sent a follow up text,

_“I’ll call you later. I promise. Just been getting in time with my dad while I can.”_

How could Alison be mad at that? She read the rest of the message,

_“I know you’re worried, Ali. But I’m okay.”_

“How does she always fucking know?” Alison shook her head in disbelief and slammed her locker shut.

She looked down the hallway, which was clearing as students made their way to their next class. She saw Hanna standing at her locker and she walked over to her.

“Hey, Hanna, got a second?” Alison asked.

“Me?” Hanna’s brows angled down in confusion as she closed her locker door.

Alison never wanted to talk to her when Emily wasn’t around. The only reason the two of them hung out was because of Emily.

“You’re the only one standing here.” Alison motioned to the empty hallway.

“Uh…yeah, I’ve got a few minutes. What’s up?”

“You’re Emily’s best friend…”

There was a little bit of bite in her tone. She would probably always be jealous of all the years of friendship Hanna and Emily had to look back on. They had a whole lifetime of memories together. Alison wanted that. She wanted a lifetime with Emily.

“Yeah…” Hanna looked at her in uncertainty.

“What’s something that is always guaranteed to make her happy?”

“Ah.” Hanna nodded, her eyes brightening like she’d just found the key to a really complicated lock. “You know about her dad.”

“I assumed you did, too.” Alison admitted.

“I found out when I picked her up for school yesterday morning.”

“So, what do we do? I mean…how do we make her feel better?”

“Not much. She turns inward. She internalizes. There’s not much that can reach her when she’s hurt. She puts up a wall that not even Eastern and Western Germany could knock down.”

 _A historical reference. Hmm, she’s not as dumb as she looks._ Alison was a little shocked at her intelligence.

“Don’t look so surprised. You know better than anyone that the blonde jokes are all a crock of shit. We’re more than pretty little bimbos.” Hanna saw the look on Alison’s face.

 _She does that same freaky thing Emily does._ She didn’t like it when people could read her. It annoyed her.

“Hanna, there has to be something we can do for her. Something she likes to do. Somewhere we can take her?”

Hanna watched Alison precariously. It’s not like she didn’t know that Alison had some kind of fixation on Emily. She was nicer with her. Softer. Hanna was not used to being on the receiving end of Alison being like that. She didn’t trust it. But as Alison stood before her looking for a way to help heal Emily’s broken heart she saw a side of her that she’d never really seen. A side that _cared_. She was showing her underbelly, something she didn’t do for _anyone_.

“Listen, she shuts down when she’s hurting like this. Closing herself off is how she deals,” Hanna explained.

“So, how do I get her to open back up?”

God, was she really asking Hanna Marin for advice on how to win over Emily Fields?

_Oh, how the mighty have fallen._

“You don’t. You let her come to you.”

Well, she didn’t want to do that. She was too impatient for that. She wanted to help Emily _now_. Hanna could see the concern in Alison’s eyes. She saw something blossoming in Alison.

It was at that point that Hanna realized that it wasn’t just a fixation. It wasn’t a crush or some conquest to Alison. Emily was wrong. It wasn’t just harmless flirting. Alison cared about her. She _loved_ her. And part of Hanna suddenly felt guilty, because she knew the truth and Alison didn’t. She knew that if Alison fell in love with Emily and Emily _reciprocated_ that love things were going to get messy.

The bell jingled, echoing throughout the hallway. Hanna and Alison said goodbye and headed towards their next classes. Hanna stopped before she rounded the corner. She felt a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew things about Emily that no one else knew. And she’d always been fine with keeping her secrets.

Until now.

Because Alison DiLaurentis loved her best friend. And she didn’t know what she was getting into. The feeling ate away at her all day. Every time she saw Alison in the hallway she ducked behind a bigger student. She was quiet at lunch when all the girls got together. At one point she pulled Caleb into a broom closet when she saw Alison coming down the hall. They’d stayed there for a little while and made out. So the day wasn’t a total loss.

But that feeling of unease crept back into Hanna’s mind that afternoon when she went with Emily to get her eyes checked by her ophthalmologist.

Emily noticed that Hanna wasn’t her normal chatty self. At first she chalked it up to Hanna letting her process her father’s deployment, and processing it herself, too. Wayne had always been a big part of Hanna’s life, too. Hanna’s own father wasn’t around, so Hanna had always looked up to him as her surrogate dad.

Emily assumed Hanna’s silence was just part of her trying to deal with what she was feeling. But the longer the silence went on the more she got a feeling…a _vibe_ …that something else was going on.

“Han, you know I’m not going to completely crumble if you talk to me, right?” Emily asked, walking next to her best friend, her cane extended as they headed for the door. “I mean, I appreciate you letting me mope, but this feels a little extreme. You’re not trying out for mime school are you?”

“Sorry.” Hanna reached for the door, putting her hand on Emily’s arm to slow her pace down as she pushed it open. “I’ve been a little preoccupato today.”

“You smell like shame, pine sol, and Caleb’s aftershave. Did you two go at it in the broom closet again?”

“No,” Hanna said, almost defensively. She was mad that Emily was right. “Maybe. Shut up.”

Emily laughed. Hanna smiled. They walked out of the building.

“So what’s with the attitude?” Emily asked.

Hanna linked her arm with Emily’s to help her down the stairs. When Emily didn’t have Ace with her Hanna instinctively acted on his behalf.

“Alison cornered me at my locker today,” Hanna said.

She expected Emily to react in surprise or tense up, but she didn’t.

“I know. I talked to her about twenty minutes before you came to pick me up,” Emily said, taking a step. “My parents want to pay for your gas by the way. Dad wanted to bring me, but I told him to stay with mom.”

“I’m not taking their money.” Hanna scoffed. She thought about something. “Their food, maybe.” She nodded. Definitely Mrs. Fields’ cooking. “So, you talked to Alison?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“And what?” Emily asked.

“Don’t give me that shit, Emily. She’s worried about you.”

“Which is exactly what I _don’t_ need right now.” Emily grumbled under her breath.

“I know. I get it. All rah-rah ‘independent woman’ and that shit, but I gotta ask…what are you doing with her? I mean, have you told her _anything_?”

“I’m going to. I…” She stumbled verbally, trying to justify her thought process. “I just want to see where it goes first.”

“She really likes you,” Hanna added, biting her lip. “And Alison DiLaurentis doesn’t like _anyone_.”

“She likes Spencer.” Emily disagreed.

“Debatable.” Hanna scoffed. “Besides, she’s obligated to like her. Spencer is family.” Hanna glared at Emily. Emily could always tell when Hanna was unhappy with her. Her eyes radiated a hatred that Emily could feel. “Not to mention, Spencer isn’t the one lying to her.”

“You are such a drama queen. I’m not _lying_. I just haven’t told her _everything_ yet. It’s not something I go around blurting out to people.” Emily tried to calm her friend. “I’m not ready to pull her into it. Right now I’m more interested in living in the moment than I am looking over my shoulder. It’s my past.” She sighed with a hopeless smile on her face. God help her, she loved the girl. “ _She’s_ my future.”

“Well, what _does_ she know?” Hanna asked.

“She’s already asking about the scars.” Emily admitted, chewing the inside of her lip. “And I told her that Maya died.”

“Did you tell her _how_?”

“No. Because if she knew it was my fault…”

“Emily Catherine Fields, it was _not_ your fault.” Hanna hissed angrily. “Step down.” She guided Emily over the top of a stair.

“It was.” She argued.

“I will smack you.” Hanna threatened.

“She was his _sister_. He should have helped her. If I hadn’t been there Maya would still be alive.”

“And you would be dead!” Hanna snapped. “You can’t play the ‘what-if’ game. Because the truth is we don’t know what would have happened…”

“I do.” Emily cut in sharply. Her face was hot. “There is only _one_ reason he helped me instead. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I…” She fought the fiery tears burning her nose. “It should have been me.”

“Em, don’t…”

“It doesn’t matter now anyway.”

“Maybe not to you. But it _will_ matter to Alison. Everything you do matters to that girl. She doesn’t just _like_ you. She is smitten with you.”

“Big word. Have you been reading your mother’s romance novels again?”

“Damn it, I’m being serious here. She’s in love with you!” Hanna exclaimed in exasperation.

“She’s…no…she…” Emily stumbled and stuttered, wanting it desperately to be both true and untrue. “We don’t know that for sure.”

But she did know. And it killed her to know. Emily knew that Hanna was right. Alison was falling for her. She could feel it every time they touched. But the problem wasn’t that Alison liked Emily. It was that Emily liked her back.

It would have been fine if they were friends, but that’s not how things worked. Emily had never been able to ignore her heart. It was loud and annoying and _so_ stupid. But at the same time it led her to some of the greatest things in her life. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t terrified.

“I just…I need…time. I’m still figuring things out. But I’ve got it, okay?”

“You know you’re not going to be able to hide it from her, right? She’s like a fucking Bloodhound.”

“I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding things. No one else suspects.”

“Yes, but no one else is interested in you like she is. And the longer you keep this from her the worse it’s going to be. For _everyone_. You _can’t_ fall in love with her…”

_Too late._

“…at least not without being honest with her. If you’re serious about this you need to be up front about it. She _is_ going to find out. It would be best if it came from you.” Hanna warned.

“Hanna, I said I got it.” Emily sniped.

“Don’t you fucking snap at me. I’m just saying, you didn’t exactly plan for this.”

“Nothing in my life ever goes according to plan.” Emily laughed sourly, letting go of Hanna’s arm when she felt her walking stick bump up against her car.

She reached out and found the door handle and climbed in the passenger’s seat. Hanna got in the driver’s seat and turned the car on. It was silent for a few seconds and then Hanna sighed.

“Have you still been having nightmares?” Hanna questioned.

She saw Emily sink into her seat, clutching the seatbelt and gnawing on her lip.

“Not as much since we moved here,” she said softly. “I mean, I still have _some_ bad dreams, but it’s gotten to a point where I wake up before it hits me full force. I still…” She swallowed hard, “…sometimes I still see her. But it’s been a while since I’ve had a full blown night terror.”

“Have you talked to him lately?”

“I’ve got a few missed calls in my log.” Emily admitted. “He left a message a couple of days ago.” A heavy sigh. “He says Lily has been asking about me.”

She hated carrying around such a huge secret. She hated it even worse since Alison had warmed her way into her heart. Emily’s life was a complicated mess and the last thing she wanted to do was drag Alison into it and hurt her. But the selfish part of her also couldn’t keep her at a distance. Everything just felt right with Alison.

“How is he holding up with all of this?”

“I don’t know.” Emily sighed. “He doesn’t really like to talk about it.”

“Something you have in common.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “When are you going back?”

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to mom and dad about it. They’ve got a trip this weekend to see my dad’s mom before he…” She stopped short and bit her lip when she felt the tears.

She hated that he was leaving. She admired his job, but at the same time, she resented it.

“Yeah, the timing really sucks. If there was such a thing as the reverse luck lottery you’d win every time,” Hanna said bluntly, making Emily laugh.

It was completely in bad taste, but that’s what she loved about Hanna so much.

“They wanted me to go with them, but I think they need some time to themselves.” Emily licked her lips nervously.

As hard as it was for her to say goodbye to her father, it was even harder for her mother. Because he was the other half of her mother’s heart. They spent all of their time together. They were a unit, and trying to function without a huge chunk of that unit was heart-wrenching. She didn’t know how her mother did it – play the dutiful military wife when Emily knew she was dying inside.

She didn’t know that when she was little her mother would cry in closets and in the shower so Emily wouldn’t see her. She didn’t know that Pam would lie awake at night staring at Wayne’s empty side of the bed. She didn’t know that she had to take anxiety medicine because she jumped every time she heard the doorbell or the phone ring. She didn’t know that her mother had been hiding that part of herself for years.

“I told them to just go without me. I played it up like I really wanted to go to the field hockey game this weekend.”

Staying home just seemed like the easier choice. Emily didn’t know it at the time, but it was a decision that would change her life forever. She had no idea that something as small and insignificant as staying home one weekend would have an impact on her life that would create unimaginable waves that might inevitably drag her under.

“Do you actually want to go?” Hanna asked, raising her brows.

“It’s your turn to pick our activity.” Emily mindlessly played with the bracelet on her wrist.

Hanna didn’t miss her subconscious motions.

“Damn straight it is.” Hanna smiled.

And for the first time all day Hanna felt good, because she knew what Emily wanted…what she _needed_. She knew Emily wanted to go to that game so she could see Alison, and she knew that she _needed_ this win. She needed something to go right in her life.

“We’re going to that stupid game.” Hanna put the car in drive.

More decisions. More little factors that would alter the course of destiny.

“Hanna, don’t you dare pity-date me.” Emily scowled at her.

“I’m not. You brought me a Caleb as a present on our last venture there. You know what I like. I know what you like. It’s only fair.”

“You’re seriously going to sit through something you hate just to make me happy?”

“I’ll even eat some of that nasty popcorn with the fake butter you like so much.”

Emily laughed and shook her head. She never knew what she was going to get with Hanna. Despite their long history the girl was so unpredictable that it gave her whiplash sometimes.

When they got to Emily’s house Hanna walked inside with Emily to feel out the temperature of the situation. Times were always tense before Wayne left, though some of the things they did were predictable. Wayne was always going over documents and going through his closet. He would check to make sure everything at their place was in order, that nothing needed to be fixed. Pam was usually obsessively cleaning to try and keep some kind of control in her mind.

They found her in the kitchen drying dishes that had been through the dishwater and were already mostly dry. She hated the spotting that was left on the otherwise pristine dishes, so she liked to get them as dry as possible.

Ace was on the floor lying down and watching her work. Pam heard them come in.

“Hey girls.” She smiled. She grabbed two glasses from the dishwater and then dried them before filling them up with water, which Hanna thought was hilarious. She’d dried them specifically so she could get them wet again. “How did the appointment go?”

“Fine. No changes. They refilled my meds and set me up for my next recheck.”

“Did they give you any more information about a possible referral?”

“They’re still looking in to it.” Emily replied. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s out checking the gutters to make sure they’re in good condition for when the leaves start to come down. Then he’s going to double check the heater.” She gave each girl a glass of water. “We asked Toby to check in on you while we’re gone this weekend.”

“I’m not an invalid, mom.” Emily scoffed.

“Of course not. But leaving you by yourself makes me nervous. It’s more about me than you.”

“That’s what all parents who don’t trust their kids say.” Emily smarted back sarcastically.

“I’ll be happy to look in on her, too, Mrs. F.” Hanna grinned.

“Narc.” Emily scoffed. “Now how will I throw that huge house party with you watching my every move?”

“You’re always welcome, Hanna. The fridge is stocked with your favorites, dear.” Pam smiled, unsurprised that Hanna was volunteering. Hanna liked to hang out at the Fields house even when she and Wayne were in town. “There’s leftover paella in there, too.”

“Not anymore.” Hanna dashed to the fridge.

She hadn’t been able to eat all day because of her nagging conscience. So she was famished. She unapologetically went for the leftovers.

“Geeze, Han. Slow down.” Emily laughed. “This is my house we’re talking about. One thing we’re not going to run out of is food.”

“Hey, mind your manners.” Pam tapped Emily on the back of her head with a wooden spoon. “She can have whatever she wants.”

“She loves you more than me,” Emily frowned at Hanna.

“Because she eats my cooking and appreciates it and doesn’t give me nearly as much attitude as you do.” Pam squeezed her daughter’s shoulder.

“Yeah, because she throws all her attitude at me.” Emily snapped back. “Said with love.” She added sarcastically.

Of course, she didn’t have to throw that in there for Hanna to know that. She was lucky to have her as her best friend. And she knew that in the coming months she was going to need her more than ever.

But what she didn’t know was that it was Alison who was going to be there for her in the biggest way. Because something had happened between them when they’d been sitting hand-in-hand on that bench in that grungy high school bathroom. Emily had opened a window to Alison’s heart that no force on earth could close. Emily had showed Alison a kindness she’d never known, despite her own pain. It was a simple notion that would keep them there for each other, through everything and anything life could throw at them. They just didn’t know it yet.


	11. Blind Passion

* * *

**Chapter 11:**

**Blind Passion**

Rosewood _massacred_ the other team. They didn’t stand a chance. When Alison saw Emily in the crowd she put her all into the game because she was ready for it to be over so she could hang out with Emily. Of course, they probably would have won against the other team even if all of the Rosewood players had one hand tied behind their backs. Emily just gave her that extra incentive. She could pick her girl out of a crowd anywhere. The fact that she’d come to the game instead of going on the trip with her parents meant a lot to Alison.

When the coach blew the whistle and the final score was announced in Rosewood’s favor the team and the crowd cheered in victory. Alison and Spencer went into the locker room to change out of their uniforms. They didn’t have plans hammered out yet, but they knew they were going to be doing something with their friends. Spencer just changed into some casual clothes, but Alison had a designer outfit picked out and ready to go, complete with one of her mother’s favorite diamond studded bracelets. Only the best for Emily Fields.

“You are such a diva.” Spencer rolled her eyes.

“I’ll be sure to call you from the red carpet.” Alison winked.

“You wouldn’t last a day in Hollywood before you were a complete scandal.”

“Who said being a scandal was a bad thing?” Alison shrugged as they walked out of the gym.

She saw Noel and a few of his buddies watching them. It was clear they were talking about them. Alison tossed her hair over her shoulder flippantly and turned her face away to prove how much she was ignoring him. They walked over to Hanna, Aria, and Emily, sans Ace. She’d left him at home to give him a break.

“That last two minutes was intense,” Aria said as Spencer and Alison joined them. “You really pulled it out at the end.” She glanced at Spencer, who had scored the winning point.

“Yeah, you guys really crushed it out there.” Emily praised them.

Alison could still hear a hint of sadness in her voice. Her dad wasn’t gone yet, but she already missed him. The blonde was determined to cheer her up while her parents were out of town. She wanted to give her a weekend she’d never forget. No one would have guessed that it would be unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.

“Well, we’ve dominated in the last two games you’ve come to. You know what that means. You’re our good luck charm. Time to solidify you a spot on the cheerleading team.” Alison put her palm against Emily’s arm playfully.

Her lips twitched into a smile imagining Emily in a skintight top and a short skirt. Emily quickly quashed the daydream.

“Me? On the _pom-pom_ squad? I’d just as soon die. No way in hell.” Emily snorted out a laugh.

“Hey, you set the precedent, being all show-up and cheery.” Alison shrugged. “I don’t make the rules.”

“You _totally_ do.” Spencer argued. “You couldn’t even bother to follow my plays out there.”

“We won, didn’t we? Thanks to this pep squad.” Alison motioned towards Emily and the girls.

“Still not a cheerleader. I belong on the field, not in the stands. It is _literally_ my last name,” Emily said.

“What’s your sport of choice?” Spencer asked.

“I’m just waiting for my echolocation to grow in. And as soon as I’m part dolphin and can navigate distances in the water I’m going to put Michael Phelps to shame with my swim times.”

She’d been quite the little swimmer when she was little. She had begged to get a swim coach when they lived in Georgia. Her parents let her join a little pee-wee league, which wasn’t really a thing, but they wanted to make her happy. The volunteers who ran it thought she could definitely go places if she committed to it. Unfortunately, it had never happened.

Emily had told Alison about it one night when they were talking. Alison had been really quiet the entire conversation. Because she was the reason Emily wouldn’t ever get to be a star swimmer.

“I’m getting pretty decent at judging the distances in the school pool.” Emily smiled. “Feels good to be back in the water again. I mean, I may not ever be at the Olympian level, but who knows?”

Alison looked at Emily as Emily talked about her passion for swimming. Alison glanced at Spencer, the only other person who knew her horrible secret. Spencer just looked at her with a soft sympathetic expression that said, _“stop blaming yourself”_. But Alison couldn’t. She hated that she’d taken Emily’s dreams away from her.

“Ladies!” A boisterous voice interrupted their chat.

Noel walked over to them like he had a mission in life. Alison was still irritated at him for lying to her about Ben and inviting him to his party. It turned out that the “bros before hos” thing was true. Or in their case “trash before class.”

“What do _you_ want?” Alison immediately went on the defensive.

“Hey, now. I come in peace. You have all been cordially invited to _the_ event for the weekend.” Noel strolled right over to them and threw his arm around Alison’s shoulder. “Excellent game.” He winked.

 _Ugh, pathetic_. Alison’s gaze radiated a hatred that everyone could feel. Everyone but Noel. He was _still_ clinging to her like a child with a teddy bear. He pulled his arm away and addressed the group again.

“We’re havin’ a little after-party in the locker room, if you know what I’m sayin’.” He held his hand up like he had a mug of beer in it, pretending to take a sip. “We’re gonna kick back a little, play some games. Saturday Night Delight. You ladies in?”

Free booze did sound enticing to Alison. Because what if they had spin-the-bottle or seven-minutes-in-heaven in store? Maybe she’d get a chance to feel Emily’s body against hers again. Maybe she’d get locked in a dark room with her and she’d finally be able to admit how she really felt about her. At the very least, the alcohol would lower her inhibitions and she’d be able to let loose around Emily.

She looked at the girls to read their faces. Spencer didn’t look very interested, but then again she never did. Aria didn’t look like she cared one way or the other. She went to frat parties with Ezra, so she was used to drunk buffoons playing beer pong. Hanna looked like she’d rather pluck every hair on her body out one at a time than to associate with Noel and his barbarian friends.

She couldn’t tell what was on Emily’s mind, which was always frustrating to her. She hated that Emily could read her like a book, but that she couldn’t figure her out. It was infuriating. Before Alison could answer, Emily nodded.

“Yeah, I’m down.”

Alison glanced at her in curiosity. Spencer and Aria looked at her in surprise. But Hanna wasn’t shocked at all. Emily became reckless when she was dealing with a lot of emotions. And with her dad leaving she was due to snap.

The important thing to Hanna was making sure she was there to keep her from doing something stupid and self-destructive. Though she was a little annoyed that a high school frat party was what she was choosing to do to blow off her steam. She silently cursed Emily in thought for never having her breakdowns anywhere that was the least bit tolerable, like the mall or on a beach full of hot guys.

“I’m in, too.” Hanna peered at Emily.

There was no chance in hell she was leaving her alone in the middle of one of her meltdowns. She’d seen what they led to.

“Count us all in,” Alison said.

“Excellent.” Noel smiled. “Come on. Right this way.” He acted like it was some big red carpet event in which he was their golden ticket in.

 _Conceited much?_ Alison grumbled in thought.

Aria stepped forward first. Hanna and Emily followed. Spencer and Alison lingered.

“You _don’t make the rules_ , huh?” Spencer shoved Alison.

“Hey, I’m not forcing you to come and play.” Alison shrugged.

“You’re my ride.”

“So hitchhike.”

“Your concern with my personal safety is touching.”

“You gave a kid on the other team a bloody nose just because she got too close to you. You’ll be fine.”

“Wouldn’t have had to pop her had you not been showboating and hogging the damn ball.” Spencer muttered.

“Mmm, so salty.” Alison shook her head. “Would you like some margaritas go to with that?”

“I hate you.” Spencer laughed.

“I know.” Alison smirked. “But we make a pretty damn good team out there, don’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“Good enough to be co-captains?”

“Don’t push it.” Spencer warned her.

 _Fucking bitch_.

They walked into the locker room and saw that it had been rearranged to accommodate the party. A few students were lingering around on some benches that had been pulled together. Why they’d wanted to have their little party in a locker room was beside the girls. It smelled like moldy cheese and bleach.

Alison looked around at the small crowd. Most of the party-goers were holding plastic cups filled with what she assumed to be alcohol. Unsurprisingly, Ben was there. He side-eyed her as soon as she walked into the room. Alison glared back at him. She had a demonic gaze. All that was missing was the ominous music from _The Omen_.

They started out just chatting about the field hockey game, but then that turned into a game of beer pong, which Alison dominated at. Emily was pretty good at it. All the girls had to do was tell her where to stand. She had a precise toss that worked every time. After everyone was good and buzzed they moved on to play “Never Have I Ever”.

“Are there any virgins in the house?” Ben asked.

“To the game.” Noel added with a laugh. “Anyone here never played before?”

“I haven’t.” A meek little sophomore admitted.

“Right. So then you wouldn’t drink if that was an actual question,” Noel explained.

“Huh?” She asked in confusion.

“You drink when you _have_ done something that someone suggests you’ve “never” done,” Noel said.

“That sounds a little counter-productive, but okay.” The girl shrugged with a smile.

“It’s easier than it sounds. Like, uh…” His eyes landed on Prudence Finn, who was chatting up some senior on the wrestling team. “Prudence here would drink if someone said, “never have I ever had a boob job”.”

“Fuck you, Noel.” Prudence snapped.

“Name a time and place, baby.” He snickered and then turned to Alison and her friends. “Let’s show the newbies how it’s done.” Noel suggested. “DiLaurentis…” He glanced at her cup. “Never have I ever made out with a chick.”

Alison glared at him, her cheeks reddening and puffing out in anger. How dare he talk about her sexual conquests in front of the girl she was in love with? Why had she agreed to this? Before she could spout a hateful retort back at him she saw Emily coolly lift her cup and take a sip. Noel and Ben lifted their brows, impressed with her guts. Alison glared at them for looking at Emily, her eyes narrowing just enough to where they could see her silently growling _“She’s mine,”_ and then she drank from her cup.

“See?” Noel looked at the younger girl. “Easy, peasy. Now you try.”

“Okay.” She bit her lip. “Um…never have I ever stolen something.”

Almost everyone in the room drank to that. Hanna felt Emily nudge her, because Hanna had been a child with sticky-fingers. Never anything big. Just stupid kid stuff. It was a habit she’d developed after her dad left. She’d often shoplifted candy from the dollar store. Emily had been with her once and she’d guilted the shit out of her until Hanna took the candy back and quietly put it back on the shelf before anyone realized what she’d done.

They went around in a circle asking outrageous questions,

“Never have I ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend.”

There were a lot of people who were meek about it. Alison quietly snuck it in where no one could see, though half the school knew about her disaster of a relationship from sophomore year. She had yet to tell Emily about it, but even when she did she had a feeling that Emily wouldn’t judge her if she knew the full story.

“Never have I ever cheated on a test.”

Everyone but Spencer and Prudence drank to that one. Noel looked at Spencer like he didn’t believe her, but didn’t say anything.

“Never have I ever fired a gun.”

A couple of kids whose parents were hunters or in law enforcement drank to that. Ben and Noel both drank because they’d been to the shooting range with Noel’s older brothers several times.

“Never have I ever farted in public and then blamed it on someone else.”

Of course Ben’s question was stupid. Alison rolled her eyes. A couple of kids took a sip of their drinks while giggling, because farts were _oh-so-funny_.

“Never have I ever drunk dialed someone.”

Everyone drank. Alison watched Emily curiously, because she didn’t seem like the type to do something like that, but the brunette took a sip without flinching.

“Never have I ever walked in on my parents having sex.” The wrestler Prudence had been talking to, Sean, asked.

Alison didn’t have to drink to that one, because her mom and dad despised each other. The only time they had sex was when they were in the middle of a big fight. She’d once overheard her mother tell her aunt that the sex was better when they were angry. She’d never gotten that disturbing image out of her head. It made her steer very clear of their bedroom.

Of course, their affairs were a different story. She’d walked in on her mom and some guy from a rental car company once…

“With each other or someone else?” Ben asked, his eyes locked on Alison.

 _Fuck you, Coogan._ Alison stared him down.

“Anyone.”

Alison drank, staring daggers and Ben and Noel, who were snickering. They knew about her parents’ affairs. They knew it was a tender spot for her. And they’d call her out on it if she didn’t drink and they would tell _everyone_ about it.

“Never have I ever gotten a chubby in class.” Alison glared at Ben.

She thought he’d pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about, but instead he kept eye contact with her as he sipped his beer. A few other guys snorted and then drank.

“Every fucker in here who has ever had Ms. Sorenson better drink to that.” Ben called the rest of the guys out. “She dropped a pen in class the other day and when she went to pick it up I swear the entire class got sprung.”

A few more guys tipped their cups. The next question came back around to Noel. He slid his finger slowly around the rim of his cup. Something about his face looked angry, devious. He stared at his cup for a minute and then looked straight at Alison.

“Never have I ever called the police on someone in this room.”

She didn’t react. No one did. Because aside from Alison, no one _had_ done that. When Alison didn’t drink, Ben and Noel looked at one another.

“Bullshit, DiLaurentis.” Ben’s lips turned into a snarl.

Spencer, Aria, and Hanna all glanced at Alison in surprise. Emily’s lips curved down in confusion. Alison felt the blood rushing to her face, and she could only hope that everyone looking at her would assume it was from the alcohol and anger and not from embarrassment. The last thing she needed was for people to think she was a narc.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Alison played dumb. She was good at it. Some of the smartest girls played dumb really well.

“Do you know how much shit I got from my parents for getting thrown in the drunk tank after Noel’s party?” Ben sneered at her.

“How is that my fault?”

“We both know it wasn’t a coincidence that the cops were _conveniently_ where you dared us to streak,” Noel said.

“Oh my God…are you _kidding_ me?” Alison fought back, trying to come off as pissed off and not as someone who was trying to hide her guilt. “You think _I_ had something to do with that? Please, that’s so sloppy. I’d never be that dumb. You’re delusional.”

“Just because you have a cunt doesn’t mean you can be one and get away with it.” Ben frowned.

“Hey!” Emily snapped. Her body felt hot in anger. She was ready to explode. “Back off.”

“Or what, _Legally Blind_?”

“What did you say to her?” Hanna almost came off of her haunches and launched at Ben.

The rest of the crowd watched, waiting in anticipation for a fight. A few kids whipped their phones out. Before Hanna could get to him Aria grabbed her and Emily reached out and put her arm up to block her.

“Hanna, don’t,” Emily said, her voice steady. “The only reason he’s looking for a fight is because it’s the only way he can get a girl to touch him.”

Emily knew Hanna would have ripped the boy to shreds. She wasn’t afraid to rip hair out by the follicles. But Emily knew the hits that truly hurt Ben were the low verbal blows.

Fury flew to Ben’s face when the insult landed. He couldn’t believe her. The fucking nerve of her. He’d never even done anything to her, and she was snapping at him like that? He heard people laughing and got even more infuriated. He’d always been an angry drunk. He’d gotten that from his dad. His old man knocked him around from time to time when he’d had too much to drink. And right now he was beyond angry.

“Maybe if all the girls at this school weren’t stupid _rug munchers_ then I’d actually have a shot.”

There was a gasp from the crowd watching.

Never one to back away from a fight, _especially_ not one that involved Ben and his wimpy little white-bread ass, Alison hatefully retorted,

“You sure _you’re_ not a girl? Because you’re acting like you’re on your period. Should I tie a string around a napkin so you can stick it in your bleeding vagina?”

There was a collective “ooohhh” from the kids watching and a couple of “ugh gross” remarks from boys who were so very afraid of what a woman’s body did every month.

“Nice. Do you lick Emily’s pussy with that mouth?” Ben asked.

A couple of guys hooted and laughed.

“Okay, I think we’re done here.” Alison stood up. “Let’s go girls. It smells like sweaty jockstrap in here.”

Her friends all followed her motions. Aria didn’t like the vibe in the room. Spencer had been done with the party before it even began. Hanna hated the drunk morons she was surrounded by. And Emily knew she needed to get out of the room before she drew someone’s blood.

“Wait just a second.” Noel reached out before Alison could go anywhere.

He grabbed her by the wrist. Alison was so shocked at his forwardness that she wasn’t sure how to react. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Or the flashback she had to when her dad had pushed her into the table when she was younger. Whatever the reason, she didn’t lay him out like she normally would have.

“You’re not leaving until you admit you called the cops on us.” Noel snapped.

“You’re drunk, Noel.” Alison rolled her eyes, trying to pull her wrist away, trying not to let everyone see that he had control over her. “You got caught on Halloween because you acted like idiots.”

“Yeah, on _your_ dare!” He tightened his grip. He wanted to hear the truth.

“You can’t blame me for something _you_ were dumb enough to do.”

“I’m so sick of you getting away with this shit, Alison.” Noel snarled.

“Let her go.” Spencer snapped. She could see the fear Alison was trying to hide.

Emily immediately prickled up, listening to the confrontation carefully. She didn’t like knowing that Noel had his hands on Alison. It stirred something dormant in her body. Fight or flight. And thanks to her dad, she was very much in the fight category. She listened to the motions of Alison’s heels trying to pull away from Noel and the sound of Noel’s squeaky shoes against the gym floor.

“This is none of your business, Hastings.” Ben backed Noel up.

“I didn’t do anything wrong.” Alison tugged on her wrist. “Now unhand me before I’m forced to break your jerk-off hand.”

“Like you could do anything to us?” Ben snorted. “Maybe you should call your friends at the precinct again.”

“I’m _not_ a fucking snitch.” She was a schemer who had a problem with anger and jealousy, but she was not a rat.

“I _know_ it was you, Alison.” Noel growled. “Your little stunt got me in a lot of trouble with my parents.”

“No one pressed charges. Your record is still clean.” Unfortunately. “Unlike your tightie-not-so-whities, _skidmark_.”

That pissed him off. He was tired of Alison throwing her weight around like she was the be all to end all. He snatched her arm towards him in anger, intending to pull her away from the crowd so he could talk to her about what the hell was going on with her these days, but because of her resistance he ended up twisting her wrist roughly. He yanked so hard that her bracelet slid off of her wrist and flew up against the lockers.

“Ow.” Alison cried out as she felt a shooting sensation jolt her wrist. “Let go of me!” She hissed. “You’re hurting me.”

It was Emily who acted first. Before the other girls could even make a move, Emily was raising her walking stick and swinging it at Noel.

“The hell…” He reached out to grasp the end of it to yank it away from her, but she pulled back quicker and raised it at him again, striking him.

“She said back off.” Emily slammed her cane against the side of a locker.

It made a loud clanging noise and everyone in the room jumped. Noel reached out in a mindless act of self-defense to shove her, but Emily heard the motion. She pulled her walking stick back and slapped his shins with it before bringing it up and knocking the bottom of his chin up.

“Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Noel snapped.

“Wow.” Aria laughed.

She’d seen Emily do some pretty incredible stuff, but this topped the list. It’s like she was predicting Noel’s every movement. And she was embarrassing the hell out of him.

“She’s a ninja.” Spencer nodded approvingly, a silent _“yeah, get it, Em”_ expression on her face.

“Damn, Fields.” Ben quickly went from pissed off to turned on. “You got moves. You like getting freaky with that thing?”

“Not even if you were the last guy on Earth.” Emily snapped back.

“If we were the last people on Earth, who would stop me?” He made a move towards her.

That made Alison furious. He was essentially _threatening_ to assault her. Everyone in the room looked uncomfortable. Even Noel was a little taken aback.

Alison’s uninjured hand balled up into a fist. She was ready to throw a punch at Ben, but Emily didn’t even hesitate. She took a step back and flung her cane out towards where she heard Ben approaching.

The cane made a cracking sound when it made contact with his face, the tip of it whipping against his lip and splitting it open. He hissed in pain and then growled under his breath. He brought his hand up to his face and touched his fingers to his bloodied mouth. His teeth were covered in frothy dilute blood and saliva. He looked at Emily in fury.

“Christ, I wasn’t going to do anything you fucking psycho.” Ben took two steps back. “You know just because you’re crippled doesn’t mean you have the right to take your anger out on normal people.”

“You’re one to talk about anger.” Emily snarled at Ben. “And the only thing _crippled_ here is your fragile ego. Now I suggest you back the hell off. The next time I’ll go for your nuts.”

“You can’t just go around assaulting people.” Ben wiped the blood from his lip. “Someone ought to teach you a lesson.”

“What stings worse, Ben? Is it the fact that you got your ass handed to you by a girl, a lesbian, or someone who is blind?” Emily dared him to come at her again.

“You little cunt…”

“Dude, let it go.” Noel grabbed Ben and pulled him back.

He had never seen a mad fury like the one in Ben’s eyes. It had gone too far even by Noel’s standards. Plus, he’d realized that the altercation was turning their fellow students against them. They were _all_ looking at the boys like they were lower than scum, like how dare they assault a blind girl? The girls looked at the crowd, just as mad at them as they were at Noel and Ben. Not a one of them had stepped in to try and stop it from escalating. Some people had their phones out recording it. A few people had walked out.

Emily heard Ben and Noel shuffling towards them to get to the exit, but in a blind haze of anger she whipped her cane up between them and the lockers.

“You assholes aren’t going anywhere until you apologize.” Emily was so angry that she was trembling.

“Em…” Hanna put her palm against her shoulder.

Emily shook Hanna off, not moving a muscle. She kept her guarded stance. She wasn’t going to let Noel get away with harassing Alison. The boys looked at her in disbelief.

“Apologize to Alison, _right now_.” Her tone was downright threatening.

“You can fucking eat me, Fields.” Ben growled.

“You want to go again?” Emily questioned.

“Jesus Christ.” Noel uttered in annoyance. It was clear that Emily wasn’t going to let it go. He glanced at the blonde. “Sorry, Ali.” It was half-hearted and half-assed, but he’d said he was sorry. “We both are.” He realized that Ben wasn’t going to budge.

“Fuck that. She fucking started it.” Ben threw his arm up, nearly elbowing Noel in the chin.

“Cool it, Coogan.” Noel warned him, grabbing his drunk angry friend again. “Come on. Let’s walk it off.”

Emily lowered her cane and Noel pulled Ben towards the door. Several more students followed. Just a few people remained. Alison pulled her injured wrist up towards her chest, clutching it. Her adrenaline was wearing off and she was starting to feel the burn from where Noel had grabbed her. She didn’t realize she was shaking until she felt Emily’s soft palm against her bicep.

“Ali, are you okay?” Emily asked, her tone calm and soothing.

Alison turned to face Emily, but she didn’t have an answer for her. Because the unshakeable Alison DiLaurentis wasn’t as impervious as she pretended to be. And the mask that she wore in front of the whole school was crumbling, because she _wasn’t_ okay and she didn’t feel like she could lie to Emily.

She thought about her dad shoving her. She thought about Noel grabbing her. Her mind was racing. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She couldn’t speak. So she held back a sob and rushed out the door before anyone could stop her. The girls quickly went after her, but she’d disappeared down the hallway.

“Okay, what the hell was that?” Aria questioned, completely flustered by the fact that Alison had run off.

“I don’t know.” Spencer glanced down the empty corridor. “Ali!” She called down the hallway. Her voice just echoed back at her.

“Where did she go?” Hanna asked.

They hadn’t seen which direction she’d gone. They circled the campus looking for her, but couldn’t find her.

“She’s not answering my texts.” Spencer frowned at her phone.

“We have to find her.” Emily bit her lip. She didn’t like the idea of Alison out there alone with two angry drunk boys still somewhere close by.

“Her car is still in the lot,” Aria said. “She couldn’t have gone far.”

“I’ll double back to the locker room. See if she went back looking for us.” Spencer suggested.

“I’m going to look in the library. She used to skip class sometimes to hang out in the stacks to read,” Aria said.

Emily took a moment to appreciate the purity of the girl skipping class to _read_. That was adorable. Despite Alison’s devilish tendencies she clearly had some hidden angelic qualities she didn’t let others see. Spencer and Aria took off in opposite directions. Emily walked a few paces down the hallway. She heard Hanna following her.

“That better not have been alcohol in your cup,” Hanna said quietly.

Emily wasn’t allowed to drink, for good reason. And the entire time they’d been playing games Hanna had been side-eyeing her so hard. She wasn’t going to call her out in front of the others. She’d just been waiting for a minute alone with her.

“Relax, _mom_.” Emily shook her head. “I slipped out and dumped it in the fountain and replaced it with water before we started the games.”

“Good, because I’m too drunk to kick your ass tonight.” Hanna breathed a sigh of relief.

“Like you’d stand a chance against me?” She teasingly moved her cane over towards Hanna.

“Alright, don’t get cocky, Little Miss Fight Club.”

They walked a little farther. The only sound in the hallway was Emily’s cane hitting the ground and their shoes thumping against the floor.

“That was pretty fucking badass back there,” Hanna said. “You wiped the floor with the both of them. All that self-defense you learned really paid off, huh?”

“That wasn’t self-defense.” Emily replied coolly. “That was me having enough of Ben’s and Noel’s shit. The way they were treating her, I just…I could have done so much worse to them.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that.” Hanna paused in her stride. “Where do you think she went?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you check the bathrooms? I’ll see if there are any open classrooms she may have slipped in to,” Emily said.

“Yes, because splitting up always works out so well in horror movies,” Hanna said dryly.

“This isn’t a horror movie. This is more like a badly written and poorly acted low budget _‘Frat boys gone wild and passed out on the football field’_ movie. Besides, Spencer and Aria went off on their own and I don’t hear any screams of death, so I think we’re okay. Now, you’re on toilet duty. Just go.” Emily knew Hanna was coddling her, and it pissed her off.

“Why do _I_ have to check the bathrooms?” Hanna complained.

“Because you’re annoying me. And I said so.”

“You’re bossy.” Hanna put her hand against the ladies room door. “Alison if you’ve locked yourself in a stall and you make me crawl on the nasty-ass floor to come in and get you I will personally stick your pretty little head in the toilet and flush several times.”

The door softly closed behind her. Emily laughed as she walked down the hallway. She checked two open classrooms, but didn’t find her. She was turning to head back to meet Hanna when something occurred to her. Alison probably would have gone to her safe place if she was feeling overwhelmed. Her safe place was Paris. And since she couldn’t just hop a plane there from Rosewood High, she’d go to a place that would make her feel _close_ to Paris.

The language lab.

When Emily opened the door Alison looked up towards the noise. She was sitting on an old teacher’s desk tucked away in the back of the room. She knew she looked like hell, but she also knew that all Emily cared about was what was inside. But that part of her felt pretty rotten, too. Rotten and angry and violated. Because she hadn’t been able to protect herself against two idiots that she’d practically raised into the little monsters that they were today. She’d never quite grasped the concept of her actions having consequences, but she was starting to see the light. Everything she’d done was coming back to haunt her. And more importantly, her friends.

“Ali? I know you’re in here.” Emily stood at the door, waiting for her to reply.

She heard a sniffle. Just the fact that Alison had been crying made her heart feel like it was breaking in two, shattering within her.

“How did you know where to find me?” Alison asked, breaking the silence. Her voice sounded strange to her. She wasn’t sure if it was the crying or the buzz she had from the alcohol.

“Same way you knew that I liked to be near the water when we went to Spring Cove. I know you.”

It was weird how well they knew each other considering it had only been two months since they’d met. Alison felt like she’d known her forever, like she couldn’t remember what life was like before Emily Fields. And she didn’t want to imagine it.

“Sorry I took off. I just needed a minute.” Alison mirrored Emily’s words from the day she’d found her in the bathroom.

The two of them were alike in a lot of ways. Guarded. Fiercely Protective. Passionate. Vulnerable, but only in secret. The only thing that was different about them was how they reacted to their feelings. Alison admired the way Emily was able to keep herself so composed. She didn’t know how broken Emily felt on the inside.

“Totally get it.” Emily nodded, walking towards her. She laid her cane against the edge of the desk and then felt around for the ledge. “Are you okay?”

“Um…” She rubbed her wrist. “My wrist is kind of sore from where Noel wrenched it.”

It was hurt, but not nearly as much as her pride. She had embarrassed herself in front of Emily, and that was a pain deeper than any physical pain she had faced tonight. She hated herself, because from day one she’d picked up on the fact that Emily was in to strong women, probably because Emily was so strong herself. But tonight Alison had proven herself to be weak in the face of true adversity.

But that was the last thing on Emily’s mind. She wasn’t thinking about Alison being weak or scared. She was thinking about how pissed off she was. Because Noel had hurt Alison. And that sparked a heated fury inside of her. She’d really had to work hard to keep herself from bludgeoning those boys to death. It wasn’t very often that her temper got the better of her, but when she lost it she was like a toxic and deadly volcanic eruption, burning everything in her path.

 _I will destroy that bastard for this._ Emily thought to herself. She found where Alison was sitting against the desk and she hoisted herself up next to her.

Alison didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what _to_ say. She had so much going through her mind. And all of her words felt jumbled thanks to the alcohol.

“It’s okay to be upset.” Emily’s arm brushed against Alison’s.

“I’m not upset,” Alison said back quickly, almost sharply. “I’m _pissed_.” _And also very drunk._ And she was always fucked up emotionally when she drank. “He had no right.”

“No. He didn’t.” Emily agreed. She rubbed Alison’s small tone bicep. There was a beat of silence and then Emily’s curiosity got the better of her. “Was what he said about you calling the cops that night true?”

Alison’s breathing hitched. She felt like she’d disappointed Emily. And letting her down felt horrible.

“I…” Alison sighed and then bit her tongue. “I know you told me to leave it alone. But I have a temper. I’m trying really hard to work on it. I didn’t think it through.” She never did.

There was a pause as Emily considered Alison’s admission of guilt. She’d kind of suspected it the night of the Halloween party, but didn’t know for sure.

“Thank you,” Emily said.

“What?” Alison drew back in surprise. Had she hit her head during her altercation with Noel? Or was she more wasted than she thought? “For what?”

“For sticking up for my cousin. Noel was a complete jerk to him.”

Alison wanted to tell her that was only _part_ of the reason she’d done it. She had also done it partly out of spite, and to keep Ben away from Emily because she could tell that he made her uncomfortable. And she knew that if Noel took the dare, Ben would, too.

“Toby acts tough, but what people say about the night of the fire pushes this weird button inside of him.” Emily continued. “Kind of pushes one inside of me, too, if I’m being honest.”

 _Yet more collateral damage you caused by being impulsive and stupid, Alison._ She silently berated herself.

“You never really talk about it,” Alison said, her tone curious, but nervous. In fact, Emily had only mentioned it to her once or twice, and Alison certainly didn’t prompt her. “About that night…” _Oh my God, shut the fuck up before she starts talking about it._

She saw Emily squirm uncomfortably and she immediately regretted saying anything.

 _You are an idiot. You’ve upset her._ Even in her drunken state, she knew it was a mistake.

“There’s really not much to say.” Emily mashed her lips together. “Other than giving the cops my statement I wanted to stay out of the limelight. We all did. We were just kids. We were scared and we knew they didn’t believe us.”

“Can I ask…” Alison questioned, stopping, afraid she was going to overstep. _No...stop talking. Stop asking. Shove a sock in your mouth. Be quiet._ But she couldn’t stop herself. Her inhibitions were more than lowered. They were completely checked out. “I mean, what happened?”

She only knew what had happened from _her_ point of view. She’d tossed the firecrackers, panicked when it got out of hand, and then ran away. But it must have been totally different actually seeing it up close. Part of her regretted asking. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know. There was a reason she’d avoided the news about it. She didn’t want to look suspicious in any way. She didn’t want to be culpable. But the other part of her had an inherent need to know.

As soon as she’d found out that no one had died she’d put her blinders on to the whole situation. She had pretended the whole thing hadn’t happened. But it had gotten harder to ignore now that she was looking one of her victims in the eyes every day, and falling for her more and more with each passing second.

_What do you remember? How terrible are the nightmares I’ve given you?_

Emily sighed. Alison watched her fidget with the bracelet she’d given her. She’d seen Emily do that a lot when she was thinking. A nervous habit, probably.

“I don’t remember most of it. When I woke up in the ambulance with the oxygen mask on I just remembered that something had exploded. I remembered that Jenna was working on her clay molds behind this tarp. Toby and I were sitting on the ground sorting through a bunch of boxes. It was mostly clothes. Fortunately all our valuable stuff was in storage. I remember holding a pair of shoes, and then the entire garage was in flames.”

Alison flinched. She could imagine it. And it was so much worse than her nightmares. She saw Emily’s fingers tighten into fists. She put her hands on top of them and Emily stopped shaking and loosened her grip.

“You…you don’t have to keep going if…”

“No. I’m fine.” Emily assured her. “It’s not like I wasn’t asked to relay it to the cops a dozen times. I only really remember a little of it after the fire started. Jenna wasn’t moving and she was bleeding from her face. I told Toby to get her out and that’s the last thing I remember about being in the garage.”

Of course she’d put Jenna and Toby before herself. Alison wasn’t surprised.

 _My sweet brave girl._ Alison couldn’t help but admire her kindness.

“Toby filled in the blanks. He said I crawled out through a side window and that he got me away just before the explosion happened. Everything after that is kind of a blur. I had bad smoke inhalation and I couldn’t breathe. I passed out and didn’t wake up until we were almost at the hospital.”

“I’m sorry,” Alison said sincerely, her fingers curling around Emily’s thumb and around the back of her hand. “That you went through that.” _That I put you through that._

She waited on Emily to tell her about the vision loss, about how it must have been terrifying to wake up and not be able to see. But she didn’t mention it. Instead, she lamented about what had happened to her cousins instead. Because she naturally thought of others first.

“Jenna was never the same.” Emily bit her lip. “And Toby…” She shook her head. “He saved our lives. He didn’t deserve the shit he got. He had nothing to do with that fire. But no matter what Jenna and I told the cops they wouldn’t listen. They thought we were protecting him. And because _they_ thought he did it and _they_ created the narrative the entire town believed he was guilty. Trial by the media.” She scoffed. “He was ostracized because of it. It was completely unfair.”

Alison lowered her head. She felt so fucking terrible about that night. If she could take it back she would. She hadn’t just done physical damage. The emotional and mental aspect of the trauma she’d caused was something that would haunt Toby for the rest of his life. Jenna, too. And Emily would never be able to see again because of it.

The girls had their physical scars, but Toby’s entire reputation had been destroyed. How could she even begin to make it up to him? It’s not like an “I’m sorry I made the town come after you with angry torches” gift basket could take away everything he’d gone through.

Alison stopped to realize something. It wasn’t just about Emily anymore. She’d destroyed Toby and Jenna, too. And her stomach was _physically_ hurting over it. Or maybe it was the booze. Either way, she felt awful.

“It was wrong of Noel to throw Toby’s trouble with the law in his face. And even though I told you to let it go I’m kind of glad you didn’t. It might not have been the best way to go about it, but I admire your loyalty.” She put her hand on top of Alison’s.

Alison was lost in thought, still confused as to why she’d done what she’d done the night of Noel’s party. She’d let her anger take over, and her anger was an idiot. _Had_ she done it for Toby? Somewhere deep down in her shriveled little heart? Because she owed him? Or was it all for Emily? Had she done it for herself? Or was it a little bit of everything?

Her stomach clenched and burned. Over something that she wouldn’t have thought twice about mere months ago. She was so confused. But she was also oddly turned on, because Emily had come through for her in a way that no one else ever had.

Now that the anxiety of the attack had worn off, she realized how hot Emily looked sitting next to her. How hot she’d been defending her honor. She was hyper-sensitive to the feeling of Emily’s fingers rolling over her knuckles.

“I…uh…” _God, her touch feels so nice._ It made her feel like everything was going to be alright. She was glad Emily couldn’t see the dopey drunk smile on her face. “I’ll try not to be so impulsive next time.”

“Well, let’s hope there isn’t a next time.” Emily smiled at her.

“After tonight I doubt there will be. You really kicked their asses.” Alison laughed through her tears. “How did you manage that by the way?”

“Self-defense has always been second nature to me.” Emily replied. “Military family.” She reminded her. “My dad had me in tactical classes when I was practically a toddler. It got a little trickier after I lost my sight. But if I really hone in and pay attention I can throw punches with the best of them. And normally I don’t lose it like that, but I don’t tolerate anyone hurting my friends.” She traced her fingers across Alison’s cheek. She paused, just taking in the feel of her skin. “You’re always safe with me, Ali.” She dropped her hand and Alison almost whined at the loss of contact.

“I know.” Alison smiled softly. There was nowhere in the world where she felt more secure than in Emily’s arms. “And for what it’s worth they deserved it.”

“Yeah.” Emily moved her other hand against Alison’s injured wrist. She could feel the swelling. “I’m sorry Noel hurt you.”

Her tone sounded murderous, like she was going to stab Noel right in the head for doing what he’d done to her. The gravelly tone of her voice made Alison’s insides quiver with desire. She bit her lip, remembering where they were, and how they’d gotten there. She felt a wave of shame and guilt.

“I should have expected it. He’s an asshole.” Alison reached up, pulling her hand away from Emily’s.

She wiped away some of the mascara that was streaked down her face. She tried to be discreet about it. She didn’t want Emily to know how much she’d been crying. Emily reached up with her free hand, her fingers tapping against her arm until she reached where Alison’s hand was on her cheek. Her warm fingers closed around the sides of Alison’s hand. Alison smiled at the motion.

Emily moved her other hand to the other side of Alison’s face. She rubbed away a dusty tear that was still lingering underneath her eye. Alison tried to pull away so Emily couldn’t tell how upset she truly was. But she couldn’t hide her pain from her.

Emily could feel that Alison was still shaking. She was more rattled by Noel’s actions than she was letting on. And reliving what she’d done to Emily’s family had only exacerbated her emotions.

Emily had come to her rescue tonight. A girl she had blinded. Emily stepped up when she truly needed her. And she did it without a second thought. What would Emily think of her if she told her the truth? She would never talk to her again. She would never _touch_ her again. And that shook her more than anything Noel could ever do to her. Just the thought of losing her made her shiver.

“Alison…” Emily gently brushed her cheek with her palm. “You never have to hide from me.”

And Alison knew it was true. Emily saw her in ways that no one else did. She couldn’t even hide from her if she tried. She had been hiding behind her abrasiveness for so long now that it was hard for her to remember that deep down inside there was still a girl who wanted to be loved not for what she looked like or how she presented herself, but for who she really _was_. And she wanted that person to be _good_. She wanted that person to be worthy of love.

And all at once, everything hit her. The terrible things she’d done. The terrible things that had been done to her, mostly at the hands of her parents. Who she was. Who she was trying to be. Fears. Doubts. Insecurities. Vulnerabilities she’d been hiding for years. It all washed over her in a wave of heavy emotions. She let out a shaky breath. She dropped her head and Emily moved her hands down. She heard Alison fight back a cry in her throat.

“Ali, it’s okay.” Emily assured her. “You don’t have to hold it inside anymore.”

Alison grabbed Emily’s hand and squeezed it just as the tears started to flow again. She leaned against Emily and cried. She hated herself a little bit for it, but at the same time it felt good to know she was with someone who truly cared about her, who understood her. Someone she could just be herself with.

Emily wrapped her arms around her and held her. She stayed silent, just holding her to let her know that she was there, just like Alison had done for her the day she found out about her dad’s deployment. Sometimes no words were needed. Sometimes a simple touch was enough. She kissed the top of Alison’s head and then laid her chin against it. Alison let her emotions pour out of her in a way she hadn’t done in a long time. Her tears and mascara drenched Emily’s shirt. She pulled back and gulped back a sob.

“Emily, I’m sorry,” Alison finally got it together enough to talk again. “I…” _I’m the reason you can’t see. This is all my fault. I deserve to rot in jail._ “I…” she cried. But she couldn’t. She knew it was selfish, but she couldn’t lose Emily. “I should be the one comforting you.” She wiped her nose on her sleeve, embarrassed by the amount of snot she’d drudged up in just a few minutes. She leaned her head against Emily’s shoulder and sighed. “My problems are nothing compared to what you’re going through. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.”

She should have showed up on her doorstep with everything in the world that Emily loved. She should have called her every hour just to let her know she was thinking about her. She should have marched right down to the army and insisted that they not take Emily’s dad away from her.

“That wasn’t your fault,” Emily said, her body stiff at the thought of her dad leaving. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I basically ghosted you.”

She heard a sad quiet laugh slip out of Alison’s lips.

“It’s funny, because that’s usually _my_ go to move. Ghosting people when I want to be left alone. It’s weird being on the other end of it. Never really knew how it felt.” She curled her fingers into Emily’s, never wanting to let her go.

“I’m sorry,” Emily said softly.

“No. It’s okay. I was just concerned about you.” Alison tried to play it off. In reality she had been freaking the hell out. “What you’re going through is hard. And I didn’t want you going through it alone. You have been there for me ever since we met. And I just…I want to be there for you, too. If you’ll let me.”

Emily smiled at the sweet thoughts this girl had swirling in her head. Everyone had been so wrong about Alison DiLaurentis. She’d known about Alison’s reputation when she met her, but she also knew there was more to her than what others said about her.

She knew a little bit about what being judged felt like, so she had refused to let her preconceived notions stop her from getting to know Alison. Because she knew that ultimately the face that Alison wore was just the cover of a book that had yet to be read by anyone. And the second that Emily had looked beyond the cover she’d found that beneath Alison’s icy exterior there was a swirling sea of emotions she kept hidden. A kindness that no one else knew about.

There was a unique beauty to her soul, but no one had ever bothered to look for it. Or perhaps the right person hadn’t come along to melt the ice she’d encapsulated herself in. But she’d completely thawed for Emily. Emily knew her. She saw her for who she truly was. And she loved her.

“Of course. Yes. I appreciate it,” Emily replied. “I didn’t mean to shut you out. It’s um…” She mindlessly rubbed her temple in thought. “It’s hard for me to let people in sometimes. Even people I love and trust.” She squeezed Alison’s hand and smiled at her. “You know, moving around from place to place all my life, I was always hesitant to get attached to people, because the second you start to care…the worse it is when you have to say goodbye.”

She drifted off in thought for a moment. Alison had never realized what it must have been like for Emily, for all of the kids like Emily. To have an entire life somewhere, a life with familiarity and friends and a sense of security, and then having it all completely shaken up, to be uprooted from everything safe and known and having to start all over again.

It made Alison realize why Emily loved Hanna so much. Her best friend was a connection to her childhood she’d been able to hold on to. But what about all the others Emily had left behind? Sure, there were ways to stay in touch. But it wasn’t the same as being in the same room, walking to school together, going to the movies, hanging out. Alison would be devastated if she ever moved away.

“It must have been hard, not really having a definition of home.”

“Home is where my family is,” Emily replied thoughtfully. She smiled. “The people I really care about.” She pat Alison’s hand, making sure she realized she was included in that. “I’m still learning to let myself be okay with opening up to let love in without wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.” She paused. “And I think it’s the same for you.”

“I never really understood the concept of a real home.” Alison admitted. “My parents and my brother...they’re my family, but they’re not my home. We sit around the dinner table sometimes and pose for those perfect family photos, but it’s all empty and meaningless. I’ve never really belonged anywhere.”

Perhaps that’s why she fought so hard to stay on top, to mean something to the others around her. She had to be feared, because she didn’t know how to be loved.

“You do now.” Emily assured her. “I meant what I said the other day. I’m here for you, Alison. And I know I freaked you out by dropping off the radar, but I won’t run off to sulk anymore. I know I have a tendency to shut down, but I’ll try not to make a habit out of it.” Especially not if it hurt Alison.

Though it was going to be difficult for her to be completely open considering she had an entire life that Alison didn’t know about. Her history was more than complicated.

“You had a valid reason,” Alison said softly. “I get it. You’ve been through a lot. Bouncing around from place to place. The fire. Your sight. And with your dad leaving…”

Emily only heard about half of what Alison was saying. All she could think about was how kind and patient and understanding Alison was with her. She thought about what Hanna had said about Alison loving her. She knew her best friend was right, that she should get everything out in the open, give Alison the chance to walk away before she got too involved. Because even though her past was behind her, it was still a part of her future. And if Alison was going to be a part of that future…

When she started thinking about it she saw glimpses of her past barreling towards her, blinding her like the bright flash of headlights on a dark and twisted road. The walls were closing in on her again, but this time she had Alison by her side, so it wasn’t quite as bad. She swallowed the fear of the past. The uncertainty. The instability. She tried to drown out the pain, tried to ignore cries in her mind that she couldn’t even identify anymore.

Alison felt her tense up and she made the mistake of thinking it was because she’d made her relive the night of the fire or that she’d struck a chord about her dad. She had no idea that Emily had been through worse.

“Em, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you…” She traced her thumb over Emily’s knuckles.

“No. No, you didn’t.” Emily’s jaw twitched. She forced a smile on her face.

“What’s on your mind?” Alison asked curiously. She could tell that Emily was walking a fine line with her emotions and she didn’t want to push her in the wrong direction.

Emily bit her tongue. Alison had given her an opening, but all she could do was fight to keep her sanity. If she told her, everything would change. But maybe it would be for the better. They could stop tip-toeing around each other. Or it would just make things really weird between them. Her brain was begging her to tell her. Her heart begged her not to.

“You know, I appreciate the mysterious silent brooding hottie as much as the next girl, but you’re killing me here.”

“I’m a hottie, huh?” Despite her nerves, Emily laughed.

“Duh. And also, _that’s_ what you took away from that statement?” Alison teasingly bumped against her.

“Yeah, no. You’re right. Sorry. I was doing it again, wasn’t I? The whole ghosting thing.” Emily smiled sheepishly at her.

“Never had anyone ghost me in person before.” Alison chuckled. “Either you’re upping your game or something is wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong. It’s just been a long week.”

“You’re telling me.” Alison nodded, laying her cheek against Emily’s shoulder.

Emily smiled, moving her cheek down to meet Alison’s forehead. They sat in silence for several seconds, Emily battling her internal struggle while Alison battled the alcohol slowly seeping into her brain.

Emily moved her thigh against Alison’s. She squeezed Alison’s hand, trying to gather the courage to talk to her. She didn’t know how to begin. Her heart was drumming up against her ribcage with terrifying force. She could hear the blood rushing through her head. Alison felt her stirring, so she lifted her head and turned to face her. Emily inhaled heavily.

“Ali, there’s something that I…”

“Alison?” They heard a familiar voice echoing down the hall.

“Figures.” Alison muttered. She could never get enough alone time with Emily. She ignored the plea. “What were you saying, Em?”

“Um…” She’d lost the courage she’d built up. She swallowed a dry lump in her throat and mentally cursed at herself. But it wasn’t really the time or place. This wasn’t about her. “We shouldn’t ignore them. Spencer is really worked up. Everyone is worried about you.”

“Doubt that.” Alison scoffed.

“No, I’m serious. What happened in the locker room freaked everyone out. And Noel and Ben are still out there and they’re really wasted. We all thought…”

Alison heard her cousin screech her name again.

“They’re idiots, but they would never hurt me.” Alison glanced at her wrist. “Intentionally.”

“Ali! If this is some kind of fucked up prank, I swear to God!” Another scream down the hallway.

She sighed, knowing that she couldn’t hide forever. She wiped her face again and then gripped Emily’s hand. Emily could feel the emotion behind it. Alison needed her. And she intended to be there for her.

“Don’t tell the others?” Alison asked, knowing that Spencer was just seconds away from finding them. “I get emotional when I drink sometimes. It’s no big deal. I don’t want them to think I’m like a basketcase or something.”

“You’re not,” Emily said. “But I won’t.”

And Alison knew she wouldn’t. Because that fierce loyalty was one of Emily’s most defining qualities. She was everything Alison wanted and more. She squeezed Emily’s hand in appreciation and smiled sweetly at her. At the moment, nothing in their pasts mattered. What mattered was that they were there for one another _now_. And the present was all they had.

* * *

 **A/N:** _There’s some heavier stuff coming up in the next few chapters. Just a fair warning. Just wanted everyone to have time to mentally prepare. Also, I appreciate the patience with the slow burn. These two love-birds will have their day soon. But some shit has to happen first._


	12. Eye For Detail

* * *

**A/N:** _There's some intense stuff that goes down the next few chapters. I just wanted to pre-warn you. I have tagged this story not archiving warnings, because I dislike giving away plot points. However, tread carefully and keep a defibrillator handy.  
_

* * *

  **Chapter 12:**

**Eye for Detail**

Alison could hear the frantic tone in Spencer’s voice. She’d heard it more than once, their whole lives. It was weird, but she knew the difference in her cries. She knew that her “frustrated” voice had a hint of whininess and a bit of gruffness, like when she was pissed that Alison wouldn’t listen to her when they practiced passing in field hockey.

And she knew that her “scared” tone was a bit of anger mixed in with her regular voice. Like when Alison had leaped out of the closet at her and scared her when they were kids. And then there was her “panicked” cry. Alison heard it mostly when Spencer was freaking out over school work or boys or the time Alison had disappeared into the woods and hidden from her for hours, making Spencer think she was dead.

But this cry was something different. She was _legitimately_ freaked out. It was a primal noise she’d never heard before, like all of her emotions had combined into a giant ball of fear and anxiety. Emily was right. Her cousin was absolutely terrified. Had the altercation really been _that_ bad? And what’s more, was she so drunk that she hadn’t realized how scary it was? All she’d felt was anger and humiliation.

“Alison!” Spencer called out again, this time sounding like a shriek.

Alison quickly tried to rub her face clean. She made sure she wasn’t dripping snot and that she looked halfway presentable and then she called back,

“In here!” Her voice sounded a little gruffer than she’d realized.

She felt Emily rub her arm to comfort her. She instinctively pulled Emily’s hand closer and squeezed it. Emily squeezed back. She just felt more secure knowing Emily was there.

Spencer’s footsteps quickened. As the noise got closer they could hear more than one set of footfalls. Hanna and Aria were with her.

“God, you are such an idiot running off while Ben and Noel are still out here somewhere. I have half a mind to…” Spencer stopped bitching when she walked in and saw Alison’s face.

Alison had been able to wipe her mascara clean, but her nose was a rosy shade of red, her cheeks were puffy, and her eyes were swollen. Spencer knew her cousin well enough to know she’d not only been crying, but had been _sobbing_. She didn’t miss the stains on Emily’s shirt that Alison’s tears and smudged make-up had left.

Spencer walked towards them, Hanna and Aria flanking her. She could see how freaked out Alison was, and she realized that yelling at her wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Instead, she turned to rage at the people responsible for Alison’s pain.

“You know what? Screw Noel and Ben.” Spencer frowned. “I hope they get arrested again for running around being drunk and underage and…idiotic.” She had so many other adjectives she wanted to use to describe them, but instead she just mentally called them single-celled brain waste.

“I can make an anonymous call.” Hanna grabbed her phone.

Alison laughed weakly. Apparently she and Hanna were cut from the same cloth, no matter how much it pained her to admit it.

“No.” Alison shook her head. “I’m okay.”

Spencer gave her a look that clearly stated, _“Don’t you fucking lie to me.”_

“Bullshit.” Spencer looked at the girls. “We should probably take her home.”

“I’m _said_ I’m fine, Spencer.” Alison insisted.

“And _I_ said we’re getting out of here.” Spencer argued back.

“Whatever,” she said in a dull tone.

She was trying to maintain some sense of control, because Spencer was the boss on the field, but everyone knew that Alison was the boss everywhere else. And she was not going to stand for her uppity cousin telling her what to do.

Alison hopped off of the desk, trying to make a show of her poise and dignity. Emily was right next to her, following her movements. Alison walked with a purpose, her heels clacking against the ground. Unfortunately, with the alcohol on board her gait was a little bit off. She hadn’t felt this lightheaded sitting down. Perhaps her emotional outburst had taken more out of her than she’d realized. Or maybe the booze was starting to get to her.

Her heel got away from her and she stumbled. Emily heard it and reached for her uninjured arm, holding her steady. Alison looked at her, silently wondering how Emily managed to catch her every time she fell.

 _My hero_. She smiled drunkenly to herself.

Emily had been saving her ass since she got in over her head at the pool when they were five. It’s like they had a destiny or some shit like that. Alison never was one for believing in destiny, but she’d take any future with her and Emily together.

“We’re not going anywhere. We can’t be the first ones to leave the party.” Alison frowned.

“Everyone already bailed. After Noel and Ben got all macho with their dick-pissing contest people got uncomfortable and left in droves,” Hanna said.

“How is your wrist?” Spencer questioned. She saw Alison rubbing where it had been tweaked. “Do you need to see a doctor?”

“No. I’ll just raid my parents’ medicine cabinet when I get home.” Alison shrugged. “It’s nothing worse than I’ve dealt with on the field.”

Everyone in the room could hear the nervousness in her tone. It wasn’t the physical altercation that had left her with pain. It was the trauma associated with it happening in front of the whole student body. Noel had hurt her. He had humiliated her. How was she supposed to keep control of the school if people thought she couldn’t even keep her rogue minions in line?

“Do you want to file a report?” Aria asked. “I mean, everyone saw it, so it’s not like he can deny that he got rough with you.”

That would only make it worse. Everyone already thought she was in bed with the police. She didn’t need to prove Noel and Ben right.

“No,” Alison said, her response almost calculated. She would find another way to get back at him. A more appropriate punishment than being dragged down to the police station. Something with a little more of her…dramatic flair, so he’d know it was a big _fuck you_ from her. “Let’s just get out of here.”

“I can drive,” Aria offered. “I was drinking Ginger Ale tonight.”

Alison snickered, though whether it was out loud or in her head, she couldn’t tell.

_Little Miss Goody Two Shoes over there with the college boyfriend…_

It was hilarious to her that Aria Montgomery was the lightweight sober Designated Driver. The daughter of hippie hemp Ella Montgomery...who probably used weed lotion to keep her skin so radiant... _and_ the girlfriend of Ezra Fitz, college freshman with access to every college party, and she was as straight as an arrow. Aria pretty much never did anything to step out of line, which was ironic because her parents were the hands-off “let her do her own thing” kind of parents.

“I’m sober, too,” Spencer said.

“Of course you are.” Alison snorted. Spencer being a buzzkill wasn’t news to her, but at the very least she was glad at least some of them had practiced being sober tonight.

Hanna very blatantly admitted she was not one of those people.

“Yeah, well, I’m shitfaced, so someone is going to have to take me home.” Hanna paused and then shook her head. “Actually, better yet, take me to Caleb’s.”

“Why? So you two can bang?” Aria teased.

The girls laughed.

“ _Noo_.” Hanna exaggerated the word curtly and rolled her eyes. “Because if I come home drunk my mom will kill me. Caleb will take me home after I sober up.” Though her smile _clearly_ stated that there would probably be some form of a hook-up involved.

“I hope he wraps it up, Han. I mean _Juno_ was a cute movie, but I wouldn’t want to live it.” Alison gave Hanna a drunken smirk.

“Can we _not_ , please?” Emily frowned. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about Hanna’s sex life. She already had images in her brain she couldn’t erase.

“Aria, why don’t you drive Hanna to Caleb’s?” Spencer turned to face Aria. “I’ll make sure Alison and Emily get home okay.”

“Oh, let’s stop for a pizza.” Hanna smiled at Aria.

“Why? So you can puke all over my floorboard again? No thanks. We’re not having a repeat of the Fourth of July.” Aria rejected the idea.

Alison stiffened at the mention of the date and looked at Spencer, hoping that Hanna and Aria didn’t see her acting so fucking weird about it. She expected Emily to tense up, or shy away from the topic, but she just laughed and added,

“Your car still smells like garlic and stale pepperoni.”

“Which is weird, because I had plain cheese and green olives that night.” Hanna frowned.

They walked out to the parking lot, Hanna and Emily dawdling behind the others. Hanna was watching Alison carefully. She’d never seen her so flustered.

“Hey, is she okay?” Hanna questioned quietly.

“She’ll be fine,” Emily nodded.

“I didn’t know that Alison DiLaurentis had like…feelings and stuff.” Hanna whispered. “I thought she was all… ‘grr’.” She made an angry face. “And claws and shit.”

“Hanna, how much did you have to drink?” Emily asked.

“Well, I suck at beer pong, I’ll tell you that much.”

“Some chaperone you turned out to be.” Emily teased her.

“Chaperoning is not for the weak-minded.” Hanna huffed out a laugh. “Seriously, you good here?”

“Yeah. I’m good.” Emily promised.

“No bullshit?” Hanna’s eyes narrowed, trying to figure out if Emily was telling the truth.

“Zero bullshit. I’m fine.”

“Alrighty. Well, you know how to get in touch if you need anything.”

“Yeah, no. I’m not making that same mistake twice. I don’t need to hear you pick up your phone mid-orgasm again.” Emily shuddered.

“It was _one_ time. And I thought I’d ignored the call. But when Caleb moved…”

“Uhhh…um….no…” Emily threw her hand up to stop her from speaking, “don’t need to hear the gross hetero details.”

She had a very visual mind, so it hadn’t taken much imagination for her brain to create a damn porno of her best friend in her mind when she’d called her a few months ago to talk only to hear her and Caleb in the midst of one of their sexual encounters. It had taken her a few seconds before she realized what she was hearing, but when she’d heard Caleb tell Hanna he loved her and Hanna moan out his name Emily had immediately hung up and then had basically thrown the phone across the room like it was poisonous. She’d felt like purelling her entire brain. She shuddered just thinking about it. Not that there was anything wrong with sex. She just didn’t enjoy thinking about the people she knew going at it like jackrabbits.

When they got out to their cars Aria and Hanna said their goodbyes. Spencer climbed into the driver’s seat of Alison’s car. Alison and Emily both climbed into the back. When Spencer started the car a Lady Gaga song blared through the speakers. Alison always insisted they listen to her highness before a game, but since the game was over, so was Spencer’s patience with Alison’s favorite singer. She turned the dial down and switched the song to something that sounded like elevator music.

“This sounds like something that would be played at a _Golden Girl’s_ funeral.” Alison scoffed.

“Gee, _thank you for being a friend._ ” Spencer bit back.

“You have all the taste of a delusional grandfather when it comes to music,” she muttered, pointing a drunken accusatory finger at her cousin. “Put my girl back on.”

“No.”

“My car, bitch. My rules.”

“I’m in the driver’s seat, so you can just shut it.” Spencer ignored her.

“Maybe we should let Emily choose.”

“Oh, no. Emily is staying far away from this conflict. My specialty is beating down misogynistic boys, not dealing with squabbling cousins.” Emily put her hands up in submission.

“She likes blues and soul.” Alison ignored Emily. “Put on Aretha.”

“You have Aretha in your playlist?” Emily was impressed.

“Duh, Emily. Don’t ask stupid questions.” Alison teased.

Spencer played with the dial, hitting seek buttons until she found music that all three of them could agree on. Alison watched as Emily listened to the music. It seemed to wash over her, like she could feel it in her veins. Music was clearly important to her. The sound of the instruments and the melody of the lyrics told her a story she could see in her mind.

Alison kept her gaze fixed on her in the dim car, taking note of the happy relaxed look on her face every time they drove by a street lamp or a car’s headlights passing in the opposite direction. Alison knew she had a goofy smile on her face as she stared at her, but she didn’t care. She saw Emily relax into the seat when a slow oldies ballad came on. She seemed lost in her own world. Her lips...her tantalizing lips, curled into a serene smile.

 _She’s so pretty._ Alison felt like pushing her down against the seat and mashing her lips against Emily’s, holding her there, kissing her hard.

She hadn’t been able to get their kiss at Spring Cove out of her mind since it had happened. She’d had a taste of her and now she was obsessed with devouring every inch of her. She inadvertently moved closer to her, picturing crawling on top of her, kissing her exposed throat. She wanted to peck and caress her way down the front of her chest while slipping her pants down to expose the heat in between her legs.

She wanted to run her fingers over her damp panties and then pull her underwear off so she could smell her arousal. She wanted to bury her face in between her thighs and tease her with her tongue before lifting her long tone legs up and putting them against her shoulders so she could get better access. She wanted Emily to buck into her, pull her hair, and squeeze her thighs against her cheeks. She imagined that Emily tasted as wonderful as she smelled, as she felt. She imagined that she was like the seventh wonder of the world when she was peaking.

“Ali?” Emily questioned, her hand reaching out and stroking her arm.

Alison felt her inner walls seize at Emily’s touch. She felt a damp spot on her own panties. Her thighs twitched.

_Fucking alcohol._

She glanced at Emily to answer, but what came out as a response was a garbled mess of syllables that didn’t sound like a word. She managed to mutter out a _“huh?”_.

“Are you feeling alright?” Emily gently moved her fingers up and down against Alison’s arm.

Alison stared at Emily’s palm on her skin. She wanted to suck on her fingers. She wanted to taste herself on them after sex.

“Uh huh.” Alison managed to reply without sounding like a complete drunk.

She felt the car hit a pothole and then she remembered they weren’t alone. She glanced up front and saw Spencer look at them in the rearview mirror.

“You sure you don’t want to run by the ER?” Spencer had completely missed the fact that Alison had practically gone down on Emily in her mind. Alison’s flushed cheeks must have come off as a reaction to the alcohol and not her sexual fantasies.

“It’s just a strain. I’ll be fine.” Alison replied.

Spencer didn’t seem so sure, but she drove them to Alison’s house. They went in to get Alison settled. Her house was empty. Her parents were out of town and Jason was spending the weekend with some friends.

“Ugh, I _reek_ of boy germs.” Alison felt slimy. “I need a shower.” She frowned. “Or a proper delousing.”

She glanced at Emily for a brief moment, tempted to ask if she wanted to join her. But then she shook it off, because she knew she was wasted and would regret it in the morning.

“Thanks for the lift, ladies.” Alison stumbled towards the stairs.

Emily heard Alison’s shoes clunking against the ground in an uneven and irregular pace. She didn’t like the idea of Alison stumbling around a big empty house drunk and alone. She heard the banister squeak as Alison held on to it like she was a mountain climber who would fall to her death if she let go. She made it upstairs without incident. They could hear her fumbling around above them.

“I think maybe we should stay for a little bit,” Emily said. “Make sure she’s sobered up and that she’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah.” Spencer agreed. “I’ll let her know. And then I’ll make us some coffee. Maybe that’ll sober her up quicker.” She turned to walk out of the room, but paused in her stride. “Emily?” She turned back to face her.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for being there for her tonight.”

“Of course.”

“She doesn’t let many people in.”

“I gathered.” Emily nodded.

She heard Spencer start to say something, but then hesitate. She shuffled on her feet.

“All those nasty things Noel and Ben said…I know you know she used to be friends with them, but those things they were saying…they don’t reflect who she really is.”

“I know,” Emily replied softly. She’d been able to feel Alison’s heart on day one.

She heard Spencer walk out of the room. She used her cane to find Alison’s couch. She had been to her house a few times to study and to hang out with the girls, though she’d yet to meet her parents. Jason was around sometimes, but their parents were always traveling for something.

She knew it was a relief to Alison when they weren’t home. The more Alison let down her guard about her family the more Emily picked up on. She often wondered if Alison was scared of her parents, mostly her dad. She could hear a slight tremor in Alison’s voice when she talked about him. Sometimes it sounded like downright fear. Perhaps that’s why Alison had frozen when Noel had challenged her.

Emily heard the quick paced footsteps of Spencer’s tennis shoes heading back towards the living room. She huffed as she came down the stairs.

“Everything okay?” Emily asked.

“Apparently the coffee here at the house isn’t good enough for her highness.” Spencer bitched. “She’s so finicky when she’s drunk.” Spencer grabbed Alison’s car keys. “I’m going to make a quick run to _The Brew_ for _‘her regular’_. You want to come?”

“No, I’d rather stay here just in case she needs something.” She had told Alison she’d be there for her, and she didn’t intend to break that promise.

“Want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

She heard Spencer walk out. The house was quiet for a few minutes, but then she heard the sound of water running upstairs.

She patiently waited in the living room as she listened to the sounds of the water splashing against the shower tile and the noises of Alison rustling around. She couldn’t help but imagine how beautiful her body would look in the nude. From what she remembered from when they were younger and in the photos she’d seen before she went blind she knew that Alison was fair skinned, a creamy soft appearance that made her look like a beautiful porcelain doll.

But it wasn’t just her appearance that had captivated Emily’s heart. It was her eyes. The kindness behind the icy blue ocean of her irises. The frigid waters warm just for Emily. Then there was her smile. There was something so sweet and vulnerable about it. She’d felt Alison’s dimples, and could only imagine what her cheeks must look like when they were flushed and heated and full.

She could picture the steam from the hot shower surrounding her, her body glistening with water, droplets rolling down her back, along her sides, beading up against her breasts before trickling down her stomach to the perfect bones of her pelvis. She let her thoughts wander to Alison’s beauty and she felt a hot flash of blood rising to her cheeks. Her body felt like a slow burning ember quietly heating her up from the inside.

Ten minutes after Spencer left Alison was making her way downstairs to join Emily. She paused at the top of the stairs, running her fingers through her wet hair as she glanced down at the beautiful girl sitting on her couch. She looked so magnificent. A fine specimen.

 _Why haven’t you fucked her yet?_ She asked herself.

She grimaced. The drunk part of herself was _such_ a horny little bitch sometimes.

Alison looked down at herself and for a second the floor started spinning. She hadn’t realized exactly how drunk she was tonight. She’d only meant to take the edge off so she could be cool around Emily, but instead she’d gone full-fledged “Bachelorette Party” faded.

She clutched the railing for support as she stared at her matching silky pink pajamas. The tank top showed off her boobs and the cute little short-shorts accentuated her legs. She had on a designer silky red robe that hugged her body perfectly.

After the drunken wave passed she got her bearings and started walking down the stairs, her lacy robe flowing behind her. She mentally told herself not to trip and look like a jackass in front of the girl she was in love with. Emily heard her coming.

“Need help?” Emily questioned, stirring on the couch.

“Not unless you’re going to force me to walk in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards, officer.” She huffed out a lilting laugh. She cringed. _Oh, that sounded really stupid out loud_. She paused. _Wait, did I say THAT out loud?_

“I’ll let you off with a warning this time, ma’am.” Emily tried to impersonate a cop. She giggled, because she knew she sounded lame.

But it wasn’t lame to Alison. In fact, it turned her on. Suddenly, the blonde was imagining what it would be like to play “cops and robbers” in the bedroom. Emily cuffing her to the bed, spreading her legs, forcing her against the bedframe so she could strip search her…

She bit her lip.

 _You will not fuck this girl while you’re drunk._ Alison ordered herself. There was a pause, an internal drunken laugh and a, _“Fuck you, me,”_ before Alison was grounded in reality again.

She moved in close to the brunette, leaving almost no personal space between them. Emily certainly didn’t complain. She could smell the aroma of her vanilla body wash and her mango mandarin shampoo. She smelled like the beach, and Emily loved it.

“Feeling better?” Emily asked.

 _I am now that I’m with you…_ She paused before she answered.

“Always do after a hot shower.” Alison nodded, looking around the room. “You know you could have turned on the radio or the TV while you were waiting. Have you just been sitting here in silence the whole time?”

“I like the silence. It gives me time to think.” Emily smiled.

“You _like_ being alone with your thoughts? What’s that like?” Alison blurted out. She hated her thought process sometimes.

“Watching my heart, brain, and soul go at it like bumbling doofuses? A lot like watching _The Three Stooges_ ,” Emily said with a quiet laugh.

“What were those stooges up to while I was in the shower?” Alison questioned.

Emily grinned picturing Alison naked in the shower. Her stooges had been unusually quiet. The silence had left her libido alone to get worked up. The fourth, and probably most idiotic, stooge. Hormones.

“Don’t know. I was too busy rooting through all of your drawers.” Emily replied jokingly. “I know all your dirty little secrets, Alison DiLaurentis.”

“It’s not mine, officer, I swear. I’m just holding it for a friend.” She held her hands up playfully.

The movement jostled her sore wrist and she hissed under her breath. Emily heard her whimper and her expression immediately changed from lighthearted to concerned.

“What’s wrong?” Emily’s face brightened in alarm.

“The hot water loosened the muscles in my wrist.” She pulled her hand towards her body.

She looked at her bare arm, and for the first time since Noel had grabbed her she realized something…she’d been wearing one of her mother’s prized bracelets tonight. She’d been so shaken up she’d forgotten about it.

“Damn it.” Alison knew her mother was going to blow a gasket.

“What is it? Are you in pain?” Emily felt around for Alison’s arm. She moved closer to her and her fingers traced over Alison’s wrist.

“No.” Alison grumbled in aggravation. “The bracelet I borrowed from my mom is missing. It must have come off in the locker room.” Alison groaned. “She’s going to kill me…”

“You want to go back and get it?” Emily asked.

“No. Someone probably found it and is selling it for a profit right now,” Alison muttered. “I’ll just face my mom’s wrath.”

Or she could come up with a lie, though her fallback excuse she’d often used as a child _“Jason did it”_ certainly wouldn’t work with a diamond studded _Cartier_ bracelet. Maybe she could stage an elaborate ruse that made it seem like their house had been burglarized.

She flexed her fingers to try and lessen the numbing pain she felt in her hand. Emily felt her moving her fingers. And she could hear the discomfort in Alison’s tone. She rolled her thumb around in a circle against the bony part of her wrist, where she could feel that the tendon was swollen.

“We should probably get some ice for it. It feels kind of swollen.”

Alison’s gaze slowly drifted from where Emily was massaging her wrist up to her face. Her expression had gone from a playful little imp to this sweet caring soul. Even with her sunglasses on, Alison could feel the love in her eyes.

_She is so fucking beautiful. Is she even real?_

Smart. Beautiful. Funny. And apparently a secret ninja. She’d never seen anyone react to a confrontation like she had at school tonight, and it was in her honor. Alison grimaced, biting her lip as she looked at her wrist. What would have happened with Noel had Emily not been there tonight? Would he have dragged her off kicking and screaming?

Emily had really saved her ass. She didn’t doubt that Spencer would have come to her defense, but Alison was too proud to accept her cousin’s help. She probably would have told her to mind her own business. It wasn’t like that with Emily. She _wanted_ her attention, her affection, her presence.

_I should kiss her. I should just tell her I love her and kiss her and then drag her to my bedroom and make love to her all night. I want to feel her all over me. Inside of me._

She glanced at Emily’s long fingers and then her gaze drifted down towards the crease in Emily’s pants. And she could imagine how hot and wet she’d be.

_OhmyChrist, I bet she feels so good. I want to touch her. I want to make her cry out my name. I want to see her completely let go as her body writhes and…_

“Alison? Are you okay?” Emily noticed she’d gotten quiet.

_Fuck me. Please fuck me._

“F…” She almost said it, _almost,_ but the alcohol was slowly wearing off, “Fine.” She spouted out. “But…will you stay with me tonight?” _Shit. Well, you just blurted that right out._

“What?” Emily was caught off-guard by the request.

“My parents and brother are out of town and I don’t want to be alone tonight.” She rubbed her wrist. “Or…or we could go to your place since Ace is there and your parents aren’t home to take care of him. When Spencer gets back I could drive us.”

“Ali, you’re not in any condition to drive.” Emily replied softly. And Spencer had already done more than enough tonight. “I’ll text Toby to see if he can run by and pick up Ace and take him to his place until the morning.”

“So you’ll stay?”

“Of course,” Emily said quietly, brushing her fingers through Alison’s hair, resting her palm along her jaw.

Alison closed her eyes and smiled at the motion. Emily lowered her hand and slid it down her arm until she found her fingers and laced her fingers with Alison’s. Just as Alison was leaning down against Emily’s shoulder the front door opened and Spencer walked in with a cup of coffee in one hand and Alison’s keys in her other hand.

“Your order, _miss_.” Spencer walked over and held her coffee out to Alison like she was a waitress. Her tone was verging on icy.

“Be nice to me.” Alison pushed her lip out in a pout. “I’m injured.” She held her wrist up and pointed to it.

“I’ve seen nastier looking battle wounds on the field.” Spencer shrugged as Alison took the coffee from her. “I suppose I’ll come back and play your dutiful nurse after I take Emily home.” She turned her attention to Emily. “You ready, Em?”

“Actually, we talked about it. I’m going to stay here tonight. I know you’ve been stressing about that Chem test that’s coming up on Tuesday. This way you can get in some study time.” Emily smiled.

Alison was impressed with Emily’s attention to detail. She’d barely even paid attention to Spencer and her studies lately, though it wasn’t for lack of trying because it’s _all_ Spencer talked about. But Alison had been preoccupied with all things Emily lately.

“Oh,” Spencer said, though she didn’t seem surprised. “Well, that sounds like a plan.” She glanced at Alison, her eyes burning, _threatening_ her not to make some drunken rookie mistake with Emily.

Alison had a tendency to become overly-emotional and overly-sexual when she was drunk. And the way Alison told it to her cousin there was never any _real_ connection between people she hooked up with when she was buzzed. And Spencer knew it wasn’t just Emily’s feelings at stake. Alison clearly had something with Emily she’d never had with anyone else. Spencer just didn’t want her screwing it up.

“We can get her a little service bell that she can ring when she needs something.” Emily smiled, leaning against Alison.

“A _service_ bell?” Spencer asked in disbelief. “Hold up two fingers if this is a hostage situation.” She laughed.

“I don’t mind staying.” Emily assured her. “Really.”

“It’s your funeral.” Spencer snickered. “If that’s the case, I’m out. I know a good deal when I hear one.” She faced Alison, her eyes fixed on Alison’s like a protective mother hen telling her chick not to be an idiot. “I’ll see you later.”

“Hey, be careful walking home,” Alison said, sipping her coffee.

“I think I can walk fifty feet across the backyard.” Spencer laughed as she headed towards the back door. “I’ll be fine.”

The backs of their property lines were right next to each other. They’d always been within walking distance of each other. Some days it was convenient. Other days they both hated it. Like when they were little and their mothers would tell them to take something to the other’s house when it was cold or rainy out.

“Text me when you get there.” Alison called out after her as she put the to-go cup down on the end table.

“Maybe we should walk her.” Emily slowly pushed herself off of the couch.

 _So chivalrous_. Alison smiled warmly.

“She’ll be alright.” Alison shrugged.

Spencer was already out the door and halfway across the backyard by the time Emily had grabbed her cane. After a few minutes Alison’s phone chimed.

 _“Don’t fuck this up, Alison,”_ was all it said.

“She’s fine.” Alison assured Emily.

“Good.” Emily gently reached for Alison’s uninjured wrist to help her to her feet. “Now, let’s get you taken care of.”

Before Alison could object Emily was barking orders at her to go take something for her pain and to go lie down. The blonde blinked in surprise. She wasn’t used to having people tell her what to do, at least people who weren’t her parents. Clearly, some of the military stuff had rubbed off on Emily. And Alison found it intriguingly hot.

Alison grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and they went upstairs. She rooted through her parents’ medicine cabinet and found a pain reliever. After she took it they walked into Alison’s bedroom. Emily had been in it a few times while studying with the girls. It always smelled like flowers and clean laundry.

Alison turned the overhead light off and turned on a small desk lamp next to her bed and then crawled into bed. Emily felt around against the edge of her mattress and sat down next to her.

“I can stay with you until you fall asleep if you want. And then I can like…sleep on the couch or…”

“No.” Alison reached out and grasped her hand. _Sound less desperate_. She paused and then softened her tone, “No, it’s better for you to just stay with me.”

“Alison, if you’re worried about me finding my way around your house…”

“It’s just easier.” Alison interrupted her. “The bathroom is connected to my bedroom. It’s literally _right_ there. A straight shot. And…and I could use the company. I just…I feel safer with you here.”

And how could Emily say no to that? Of course, Alison’s fears weren’t the only reason she wanted Emily next to her. And they both knew it. Alison’s heart felt like it was on fire. A hot tingling sensation slowly flowed through her veins when she saw Emily reaching down to take her shoes off before scooting up next to her in bed. Alison frowned at the amount of clothes still on the brunette.

“Do you want me to get you some pajamas?” Alison asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.” She took the thin jacket she was wearing off, leaving her in a low cut short sleeved shirt and her loosely fitting casual pants. “Besides, I don’t think I could squeeze into anything of yours.”

Alison could think of a thing or two she wanted to squeeze.

 _You could always just sleep naked._ Alison was fortunately able to filter her thoughts before that slipped out.

She moved closer to Emily. She smelled like cocoa butter with a hint of salt, like a tropical ocean breeze. God, she felt like ripping her clothes off and familiarizing herself with every crevice of her body.

Alison stared at her. She couldn’t take her clothes off, but at the very least there was one part of her that she could see exposed. She reached up to pull Emily’s sunglasses off. She knew the light was dim enough where it wouldn’t hurt her eyes.

“I turned the lights down for you.” Alison ran her fingers across the earpiece of her sunglasses.

Emily felt Alison slipping her glasses off. Emily took the shades from Alison and reached out, feeling around for a place to put them. She laid them on top of the nightstand and then turned to face Alison.

Every time Alison looked into her eyes she felt like she was being given a rare opportunity to see into her soul, like it was a specialty reserved for only her. It did things to her, made her ache in all the right ways. She could see such passion in them. A drive to live without fear. It was what had pushed Emily to protect her from Noel and Ben.

“I never thanked you for what you did for me tonight,” Alison said, reaching for her hand. The ice pack slipped off of her wrist.

“I didn’t do anything.” Emily played it off modestly.

“You risked your life for me, Em.” Alison disagreed.

“I’d hardly call it a life or death situation. Noel and Ben have always been jackasses, but I don’t think they would have hurt me.”

Words she would soon be eating. Because people often underestimated the lengths that a scorned person would go to in order to get revenge. That animalistic desire to harm those who wronged someone festered and manifested in many different ways. And no one was safe. No one was off-limits.

“It’s like you said. They were drunk. They probably wouldn’t have intentionally done anything to hurt us,” Emily said.

“Still, you took a huge risk for me. Most people see danger and they run in the opposite direction as fast as they can.” Alison argued.

“That’s only because they can _see_ the danger coming.” Emily’s lips twisted into a smile.

She heard Alison laugh softly, the bed moving slightly when she did. Emily moved her hand against Alison’s until it was against her wrist.

“How does it feel?” Emily traced her fingers over her wrist, feeling the chill from the ice against her skin.

Alison saw and felt goosebumps rising on her arms, a tingling sensation prickling her from the inside.

_Your touch? It feels goddamn glorious…_

Emily’s embrace was like a warm fire hugging her soul. She wanted to grab her by her cheeks and hold her face as she kissed her large luscious lips. She wanted pin her to the bed and devour her body. She wanted Emily panting her name and moaning, because she was _so_ fucking sexy when she moaned. She wanted Emily to roll her strong fingers all over her core and slam into her until she was screaming Emily’s name. She wanted to leave claw marks on her back as she came undone.

“Better,” Alison’s voice came out soft.

 _Don’t come. Don’t come. Don’t come._ She could feel her body twitching in response to Emily’s motions against her skin. _Holy shit. We’re in my bed. We’re in my bed and Emily Fields is holding me. She feels so good. So warm. I never want this to end._

It was like a dream coming true. Even if the dream had started out as a nightmare at school.

“It feels like the swelling has gone down.” Emily pressed against her bone gently.

_Not in my pants it hasn’t._

“Astute observation, Doctor Fields.” Alison smiled.

Emily chuckled and then reached for the icepack with her other hand. She felt around for a second before she found it. When her fingers ran across it she picked it up and laid it against Alison’s wrist. She laid her other hand gently across the top of Alison’s fingers.

Alison couldn’t take her eyes off of Emily. She watched her every movement, every twitch, every motion. She had to resist pushing forward and capturing her lips. She wanted her so badly. And it would be the perfect opportunity. Her parents were gone. They were alone. They both wanted something more.

Yet…instead of kissing her, she idiotically used her mouth for something else – talking. And she wasn’t always the greatest conversationalist. She fumbled for something to say, just to hear Emily’s voice.

“Why did you save me?” Alison asked.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Emily seemed surprised, almost a little insulted at the question. “Just because we’re not seeing each other doesn’t mean I can’t see when you need me. I will always be there for you.”

_God, I don’t deserve this girl._

“I will never let anything happen to you.” Emily promised.

Emily rubbed her palm against Alison’s arm, a part of her feeling the same pull that Alison felt. The tense yearning desire between them was palpable. But as much as she wanted to pull Alison’s top off and feel the tender flesh beneath her pajamas she knew Alison was vulnerable from what Noel had done tonight. And she wasn’t about to take advantage of her.

“You know, I can’t quite figure you out,” Alison said with a small smile.

“Most people can’t.”

She actually prided herself on being shrouded in mystery. The less people knew, the better. She preferred people get to know her, not know _about_ her because of her visual impairment. Or other things in her past. People had a tendency to judge without getting to know the full story. It was just easier for Emily to keep quiet sometimes.

“I know I’m kind of a tough nut to crack. I meant what I said tonight about my past…and how it’s hard for me to let people in. I keep myself guarded for a lot of reasons.” She sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth. Alison cocked her head, intrigued by her reservations. “I just...I don’t want my imperfections to be what the world sees when they look at me.”

“What imperfections?” Alison asked without skipping a beat. “You’re flawless in my eyes.”

Emily’s face reddened and she smiled bashfully. And she had to fight against her instincts to pull Alison into her arms and kiss her.

“Not that you even need my help…” After the way Emily had handled Noel and Ben tonight Alison was certain the girl was actually some kind of trained CIA assassin or something. “But I’ll never let anything happen to you either.”

Though as true to her word as she intended to be, in less than twelve hours she was going to fail Emily on that promise. And it was going to haunt her forever.

“I’ll always keep you safe.” Alison moved in closer.

Emily smiled. It was a strange feeling, because people had been falling all over themselves to help her since long before she lost her vision. And she’d always been way too stubborn to let them. She’d always been determined to be the most independent person in the world. And that was how she’d gotten to where she was today.

But with Alison it was different. She felt at home around her. She didn’t mind the softer side of the blonde. Emily slid her arm underneath Alison’s midsection and curled it until Alison was moving to meld into the shape of her body.

Alison nuzzled against her and sighed. She couldn’t believe she was so lucky. God, Emily was so warm. And being in her arms felt so right. She wanted to tell her. Spencer was right. She wanted to tell her how much she loved her. She just needed to find the right words, which were unfortunately not the words that came out of her mouth,

“We should go to sleep.” She nearly whispered.

Because if she didn’t stop looking at Emily she was going to jump her bones. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself. And while that was the ultimate goal…she wanted it to be special. She wanted Emily to feel not just the thrill of lust, but the passion of love. And she wanted to be sober. She wanted to remember it, every second. And when she was drunk that lust took over and she just acted on the pure instinct of desire. When she was sober, it meant something. She wanted it to mean something. She wanted Emily to know it meant something.

Alison laid back against her pillow, one arm still draped lazily around Emily’s midsection. She closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. Then she realized that Emily couldn’t _see_ her eyes closed and she felt dumb. Then she realized she felt dumb for feeling dumb.

She thought about everything that had happened tonight, good and bad. And she thought about how Emily had been by her side through it all. She thought about how vulnerable and alone she’d felt before Emily came into the language lab. Those moments she’d shared with Emily were the first _honest_ moments she’d had in a long time. Maybe ever. Because her entire life she had been playing a role. But not anymore. The brunette brought out the best in her. The conversations she had with her felt more real to her than anything in the world. She wanted Emily to know everything about her. And she wanted to know everything about Emily.

“Em?” She yawned, moving up to lay her head against Emily’s chest again.

“Yeah?” Emily stroked the back of her head.

“You were saying something back in the language lab,” Alison said, barely able to get the words out as she fought her exhaustion. “Before Spencer came barging in like a superhero no one asked for. What was it? Was it something important?”

Emily sighed. She kept dancing back and forth between telling her and not telling her. Telling her wouldn’t change anything. But not telling her felt like lying to her about a part of herself. She fucking hated herself for being so indecisive. She felt completely torn down the middle, a constant battle within herself where she was being whipped in one direction and pulled in the other as two unknown entities battled for her.

“No. It was nothing.”

“Good.” Alison nuzzled against her, barely conscious. “I want you to know you can tell me anything.” She pressed a kiss against Emily’s collar bone.

Emily smiled when she felt Alison’s lips against her exposed skin. They were hot and full of passion, just like Alison.

“I know.” Emily replied softly, rubbing her thumb against Alison’s temple.

“You’re so good to me.” Alison closed her eyes with a smile on her face. “I don’t know how I can ever measure up. Tell me how to be as amazing as you are.”

“I’m not all I’m cracked up to be,” Emily said with a soft laugh. “Really. I’m just…me.”

“You’re perfect. And I...” She yawned again. “I want to be perfect for you.”

“I like you just the way you are, Ali,” Emily said as she combed her fingers through Alison’s hair. She moved down to kiss the top of her head, making Alison smile. “You should get some rest.”

“You’re so warm, Em.” Alison wrapped her arms around the brunette.

She could feel Emily’s heart beating softly against her cheek. It lulled her into a sense of comfort. As she relaxed against Emily she realized how high she was from the drugs she’d taken from her parents’ medicine cabinet. Even if she’d wanted to stay awake, she couldn’t fight sleep.

Emily stayed awake even after Alison fell asleep. She had a hard enough time sleeping when she was at home, but when she was somewhere else she’d learned that trying to sleep was pretty fruitless. But she didn’t mind. Because she was in Alison DiLaurentis’s room, in her _bed_ , with a beautiful girl in her arms. Who needed sleep when she was living the best dream of her life? She didn’t care if she ever slept again.

An hour later Emily could feel Alison squirming against her. At first she thought she was waking up, but when she heard the quiet meek cries coming from Alison’s mouth she realized she was having a nightmare.

“Emily…” Alison whispered.

“Ali,” she replied softly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Emily’s face twisted in confusion. She was sorry? What did she have to be sorry for? It took a second for her to register the fact that Alison was still dreaming. She probably felt guilty about the fight in the locker room and how it had escalated. Emily had learned that Alison was really good at blaming herself for things that weren’t in her control.

“Alison, hey…” She reached over and cupped her cheek. It felt hot and clammy.

Emily heard her inhale a sharp gasp and the cries stopped. Alison lazily lifted her cheek and looked at Emily in a sleepy daze, a mixture from her bad dream and the medication she’d taken. She instinctively turned into Emily’s touch. Emily heard her breathing start to even out.

“You okay?” Emily asked.

“Y-yeah?” She wasn’t sure. Was this real? Was she awake? Was Emily holding her?

The cries had stopped, but her teeth were still chattering.

“You’re shaking.” Emily stroked her cheek with her fingers. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“I’m not sure.” Alison blinked, a confused look on her face. “I don’t remember.”

And she didn’t. All she knew was the here and the now, and Emily was here, _now_. She rolled over and pushed her body against Emily’s, lying her cheek against her chest. Emily’s body heat felt warm against her face. She reached down and slipped her fingers in between Emily’s, curling them until their fingers were interlocked.

A few short minutes later she was asleep in her arms again. Emily stayed up, listening to the sounds of her breathing, feeling her soft breath against her shirt. She gently brushed her fingers through Alison’s hair. She sighed. She was falling for this girl so hard. She felt Alison move in her arms, but it wasn’t the same jerking motions she’d had when she was having the nightmare. It was a smooth subtle movement to get closer to Emily’s body, like Emily’s arms were protecting her from the world. She felt content. Safe.

“Stay with me.” Alison muttered in her sleep, nuzzling against her.

“I’m right here, Ali.” She whispered back.

She ran her fingers over Alison’s bare wrist to make sure it wasn’t swollen again. As her fingers traced her delicate skin she thought about what Alison had said about her mother’s bracelet. It bothered her that Alison might get in trouble for something that wasn’t her fault, especially given she knew Alison’s parents could be volatile at times.

She thought about the likelihood that the jewelry would still be in the locker room. Not many people had stuck around after Noel and Ben had turned into macho jerks. Alison was convinced that someone had probably swiped it from the floor, but Emily doubted anyone had even noticed it. They were all too caught up in making the fight the next viral sensation on the internet.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the bracelet. Alison had already been through enough with Noel harassing her. She didn’t need the drama at home, too. She wanted nothing more than to find her mom’s bracelet for her. Finding the jewelry was the last thought on her mind before she drifted off to sleep.

When Alison woke up the next morning she rolled over expecting to see Emily. Yet, where Emily’s warm body should have been the mattress was empty and cool. When she realized she was alone she sat up, confused. For a split second she thought she’d dreamed the entire night, but then she saw Emily’s jacket hanging on the bedpost. But her shoes and sunglasses were gone.

“Emily?” She called, thinking maybe she was in the bathroom.

When she didn’t get a response she chewed on her lip nervously. Had something happened in the middle of the night?

“Crap.” She muttered.

Had she had one of her nightmares where she was calling out Emily’s name? Had that spooked her? More bad thoughts started piling up in her head. What if it was something worse than that? What if Emily had fallen and hit her head? She climbed out of bed, reaching for her phone and was immediately struck by a wave of relief when she saw a text from Emily,

_“Went to find your mom’s bracelet. Be back with shiny things and coffee soon.”_

Alison smiled. What a wonderful person. She texted Emily back,

_“Aw. You’re the best cure for a hangover. I should drink more often.”_

The text reached Emily’s phone seconds later, just as she was stepping on a bus that would drop her off a block from the school. One of the first things she’d done when she moved back to town was memorize the bus schedule. She heard her phone go off. She pulled it out of her back pocket and hit the voice-to-text feature and it read Alison’s text to her. She smiled and put her phone back in her pocket as she went to take a seat, completely unaware that the text had alerted someone insidious to her presence.

As Emily unknowingly sped towards certain disaster Alison was staring at her phone waiting on a text back from Emily. Just an _“lol”_ would suffice. But Emily was too busy trying to listen for her stop on the bus.

After a few minutes passed and Alison didn’t hear anything back she started pacing. Something about this morning felt weird. It wasn’t just that she had woken up in an empty bed. After the fight she’d had with Noel last night she didn’t like not knowing if Emily was okay. She didn’t like that she was out there alone. So she threw on some clothes and decided to drive out to the school to help her look for the bracelet.

As she was pulling on to the street where their school was located, Emily was walking into the locker room. Her cane hit a plastic cup and it skittered across the floor. Emily gently tapped her cane against the ground around the edges of the locker. The noise covered the sound of someone quietly closing the door as they walked in behind her.

Emily walked around to where they had been last night, around where the altercation had happened. She ran her walking stick against every crevice and tapped it around, looking for the bracelet. She circled the area several times, taking her time. Because she was determined to find it.

She tried not to get frustrated when she couldn’t locate it. She thought about how if Ace could learn several command words and pick out certain objects when she was looking for them, surely she could find _one_ measly little bracelet in an open area. Too bad her dog wasn’t with her and one of his command words wasn’t “very expensive bracelet”.

She heard a small tinkering noise and her cane slid unevenly against something. She reached out and put one of her hands against the lockers and slowly felt her way down until she found where the lockers met the floor. She slid her hand over to where she’d heard the noise and smiled in victory when her fingers came into contact with the cool silver metal.

“Bingo.”

She stood back up, slipping the bracelet into her pants pocket. Just as she was getting to her feet she heard the squeak of a shoe and she realized she wasn’t alone.

“Hello?” She called out.

A pair of dubious beady eyes beared down on her just as she was spinning around. She smelled the odor. Salty sweat. Alcohol. And Funyuns.

She readied herself for a fight, but he struck fast, slamming her against the lockers. She let out a surprised gasp. Her sunglasses fell to the ground and skidded a few feet away.

“Get off of me, Ben!” She raised her cane, but he was ready for her this time.

“Nuh uh, Fields.” He grabbed the walking stick before she could use it as a weapon. “Not this time.” He ripped it out of her hands.

She heard something snap and she realized he’d broken it. She heard it fall to the ground in pieces.

“Not so tough now, are you?”

He shoved her into the lockers again and pushed his arm against her throat. She threw her elbows out by her side to try and free her arms. She pulled back and tried to punch him, but he used his body weight and height against her, pinning her in place. Her heart started beating wildly in her chest. She tried to shout, but her airway was being restricted by the pressure on her esophagus.

 _He wouldn’t…_ Emily suddenly flashed back to when they were kids and he’d backed her into a wall and forced her to kiss him against her will, _…would he?_

She couldn’t see the maniacal look in his eyes, but she could feel it in his touch. He was drunk. And apparently still very angry. She felt a prickling sensation shoot down her spine. Her extremities were starting to go numb from the lack of oxygen.

Right outside the school Alison was getting out of her car in the deserted parking lot. She saw Toby coming from the track in his jogging gear, nodding his head to some tunes that were being blasted through his earbuds. He was walking towards his car. Alison called out his name and waved at him. He pulled his earbuds out of his ears when he saw her. He turned towards her, confused as to why she was there and why she wanted to talk to him. She quickly paced over to him.

“Hey, have you seen Emily?” Alison asked.

“She’s not with you?” Toby’s brows raised in alarm.

“No.” Alison didn’t like the look on his face. “She sent me a text that she was coming here to look for a bracelet I lost yesterday. I assumed she’d called you for a ride.”

“No. I was just finishing up a run. I haven’t heard from her since last night since she asked me to pick up Ace. She must have taken the bus or called someone for a ride.”

“Maybe Hanna…”

“Hanna is with her mother getting breakfast at _The Brew._ ” Of course. Nothing beat a hangover like greasy food. “I saw them out there before I came here.” He pressed his lips together in concern. Alison didn’t like the look on his face. “She usually checks in if she’s not home.” Toby frowned.

“Oh.” Alison felt her heart sink. “But she…she’s probably okay, right? She’s pretty independent.”

“Yeah, but…”

His voice was cut off by a shrill cry from across campus inside the school gym. They heard screams. The unmistakable cries of some who was terrified, in pain.

“That’s Emily.” Toby’s eyes widened.

Alison was about to ask how he knew what her cries sounded like, and then she remembered the garage on the Fourth of July, and she realized that if anyone would know Emily’s cries, it was him.

Her heart leaped into her chest. She didn’t hesitate. She bounded forward, moving swiftly past Toby, racing towards the cries. She darted through the courtyard and towards the gym. She huffed heavily as her feet pounded sharply against the pavement. She ran down a hill, nearly toppling over. She caught herself on her palms, stumbling only for a moment when she felt the stinging sensation of the dirt and debris jabbing into the fleshy part of her hands.

Her tumble didn’t slow her down. Her momentum going forward was happening at a faster pace than she could process. She was on her feet again seconds later. All she could hear…all she was focused on was her girl crying out for help.

Emily was afraid. Emily was in pain. Emily needed her. She had promised her she wouldn’t let anything happen to her. As Alison scrambled towards the gym she became hyper-aware of how loud and heavy her breathing had become. Her pulse sounded like drums in her ears as the adrenaline coursed through her veins. She could feel her heart beating so hard in her chest that she thought it might burst through her ribcage, because what if she didn’t get there in time?


	13. Blindsided

* * *

**A/N:** _T_ _his one is intense. I don’t normally do ‘trigger’ warning stuff, but…read this one with caution._

* * *

  **Chapter 13:**

**Blindsided**

Emily struggled to get Ben off of her, struggled to breathe. Her fingers and toes were starting to go numb. She could feel herself getting ready to faint. Her fight or flight response went into overdrive. Her dad’s self-defense lessons kicked in.

She managed to throw her knee up, hitting his thigh, coming dangerously close to his crotch, but he bucked back away from her. The movement caused him to let up on the pressure on her throat. She coughed out a wheezing breath and then gasped for air. She yelled loudly, begging anyone who might be around to come help her. But Ben slammed his sticky hand against her mouth and snapped harshly for her to shut up.

His index finger was right underneath her nose, increasing the scent of his odor to such an extreme that she felt like puking. It wasn’t just Funyuns, dirt, liquor, and sweat anymore. It was greed, anger, possession, and dominance.

“Not even if I was the last person on Earth, huh?” Ben asked, his breath hot against her face.

She bit down on his hand and when he pulled back she spit at him.

“Let me go you asshole!” She seethed.

“That fucking hurt.” Ben snarled, moving to throw his knuckles against her side.

She felt the motion and squirmed just enough so that his fist caught the edge of the lockers instead. His blood from where she’d bitten him smeared against the steel door. She balled her hand into a fist and swung at him, her blow landing against his ribs.

He huffed in pain, but didn’t let her go. She drew back to throw another punch, but he angrily grabbed her wrist and slammed it back against the lockers. He backhanded her and backed her against the lockers again, this time holding her in place with his body.

“What was it you said? The next time you’d come for my nuts?” Ben asked. “Well, they’re all yours today, sweetheart.” He roughly grabbed one of her hands and moved it down against the crotch of his pants.

“Ben, stop…” Emily managed to pry her other hand out of his grip. She tried to push him away.

 _He’s not listening._ She thought to herself in a panic. _He’s not listening. And no one knows we’re here._

She reached up to smack his face, her fingernails catching his cheek, tearing into the skin of his cheekbone. She dug into his face with her nails, aiming to scratch his eyes.

He growled angrily and shoved her harder, throwing all of his weight into her, knocking the wind out of her. She gasped for breath, taking in a painful gulp of air.

“You’re going to pay for that,” he uttered angrily.

She felt him reach for her jeans, popping the button and sliding the zipper down. She tried to throw another punch at him, but he had her pinned. He felt so heavy against her that she could barely breathe. She felt like she was suffocating.

“How about that lesson?” He snarled.

“Stop! I mean it…” She tried to bat his hands away. “You’re drunk. You’re not yourself…”

“Things have never been more clear to me. After sleeping on that bus last night because of the mark you left on my face with your stupid little stick…” He glanced at the broken cane. “Couldn’t go home and explain the truth about _that_ to my dad. That a little blind homo kicked my ass? He’d just give me a black eye to match.”

“ _You_ came at me…my friends…” She stuttered, trying to distract him, trying to stall him.

“Shut the fuck up.” He shoved her face with his hand. “You know, my dad says that lesbos are just chicks who haven’t had a proper fucking yet.”

A heated flash of anger rolled through Emily’s body. She felt her cheeks get hot in rage. She moved her feet around and tried to stomp on his toes, but he saw what she was doing and moved his foot.

“You touch me and I swear…”

“I said shut up!”

Suddenly his touch went from rough to aggressive. He slammed her head against the back of the lockers so hard that she felt like something had burst behind her eyes. She felt a painful sensation shoot down her spine. The sharp latch had sliced into the back of her skull.

She heard a yelp echoing in the hollow room. Then she realized it had come from her mouth. She felt something warm trickling down the back of her neck. For a brief second she thought she might pass out, but she fought it. She knew she needed to stay awake. She needed to fight. As long as she was conscious she stood a chance.

Ben spun her around and wrenched her arm behind her back so roughly that she felt something pop. She cried out in pain. He shoved his body firmly against hers, pushing her face against the lockers, the hard metal crashing against her cheekbone. Her mouth fell open and she drew in a surprised gasp. Her eyes widened in shock.

He reached up and groped her right breast. Then he moved his hand down. She could feel him tugging at her pants, yanking them down roughly, his fingers rubbing angrily against the soft skin on her legs. He jerked so hard that the motion pulled Emily’s shoes off, twisting her feet at odd angles. Her pants fell to the floor, her shoes tangled inside of them. She started to lose her footing. The only thing holding her up was Ben’s hold on her arm.

“Stop it!” She screamed, trying to push off of the lockers. “Get the fuck away from me!”

“Be quiet.” He hissed, twisting her arm further, making her cry out again.

She felt a large burly hand tracing the curve of her hip, playing with the hem of her panties. He was pressing sloppy kisses against the back of her neck. She felt his teeth against her skin. Everything about it felt wrong. She squirmed to try and slip out of his grasp.

He spun her around again so they were facing. He wanted to see her face when he took her for all she was worth. He wanted to see her scream. He wanted her to feel as little as he felt last night when she’d hit him, to feel as small as Alison and all her teasing had made him feel all throughout high school. Seeing her squirm excited him. He could only imagine what she’d feel like with all of her clothes off, what she’d feel like inside. He thought about her slutting it up in the costume shop before Halloween, and he felt himself hardening. He roughly shoved his leg between her knees, forcing her thighs apart.

“No!” She tried to push him away, but when she moved her arm she felt a burning pain from where he’d twisted it.

His fingers slipped in between her legs on her thighs and Emily started to scream again, but he shoved his hand against her mouth to muffle her cries and placed a drunken wet kiss on her neck, his teeth grazing her skin.

Emily closed her eyes, tears forming underneath her lids, spilling over on to her cheeks. It was a nightmare. It had to be. It couldn’t be real. But then she felt his palm cupping her in between her legs and heard him laughing maniacally. And she realized it was really happening.

“Please,” she begged underneath his tight grasp. “Stop.” A muffled cry that he ignored.

He didn’t care. He rubbed his body against hers. She could feel a large bulge in his pants pressing against her and her heart thumped wildly against her ribcage. This was happening, and she couldn’t stop it. This was the stuff of her nightmares. All the dangers in life her parents had warned her about and it turned out that Ben Coogan was the most dangerous thing out there.

He smacked her thigh roughly and she felt the prickling sting of the hit burning her leg. He squeezed her inner thigh as tight as he could. She could feel every swirl of his rough unapologetic fingers. He moved his fingers away and she heard the sound of his zipper coming undone.

“Don’t.” She tried to utter from under his hand.

She bit down on his palm again so hard that she tasted blood, but the pain only seemed to excite him more. Her chest heaved as she cried. She could barely breathe. She saw bursts of lights behind her eyes, a strange fuzzy sensation numbing her face. She was passing out. She tried to throw another punch, but her free arm was completely listless, useless. Her elbow felt like it was on fire.

She squirmed and moved around and tried to buck back against him, but she was dizzy and her balance and equilibrium were off. Still, she kept fighting.

“Quit fidgeting.” He growled.

She felt the cool blade of a knife against her throat. She gasped and stopped moving, afraid that he was one motion away from slitting her throat if she didn’t do what he said.

His calloused fingers brushed the inside of her thighs. She heard him grunt and then she felt something hard in between her thighs. Just the fact that he was getting off on this made her want to throw up.

She opened her mouth to scream, but then remembered the knife. The slippery wet bulge inched closer to her center. Just as he was brushing her underwear aside he stopped abruptly.

There was a crash and then she felt his body disconnect from hers. She stumbled back, unable to get her footing. She fell to the ground…her elbow on her injured arm taking the brunt of it. She felt a flash of pain shooting through her body as all of her injuries hit her at once.

“Oh, you are _so_ fucking dead…” She heard a familiar feminine voice, but she was too disoriented to place it. “No means _no_ , you goddamn asshole!”

She heard the sound of something cracking against bone. It sounded like someone had just hit someone else with a baseball bat. She heard sounds of a struggle, then the bat hitting the ground.

“You stupid bitch!” Ben shouted angrily.

She heard the sound of a palm making contact with someone’s cheek. Then seconds later there was another loud crash. Things were falling to the ground from all directions. Emily instinctively huddled against the lockers. She heard a set of footsteps rapidly approaching and then another crash.

“Hey! Don’t you fucking touch her again!” This voice Emily definitely recognized.

“Toby?” Emily huffed out in surprise.

She heard someone moving near her and she felt a scream building up in her chest. Oh, God, was it Ben? Was he coming back to finish what he’d started? But then she heard a soft voice.

“Em?” A delicate pair of hands were on her arms a few seconds later. Emily jumped in surprise. “Emily, are you okay?”

“Ali – Alison?” She started to sit up, but then felt lightheaded.

Her eyes twitched and she started sinking back towards the ground, but Alison caught her. She could tell the shock was setting in.

“You’re okay now. It’s okay.” She reached behind Emily’s head to steady her and she felt something sticky in her hair. When she pulled her hand away she saw blood on her fingers. “Oh, sweetie…” She tried not to freak out.

“I – “ Emily choked back vomit, groaning, “I don’t feel well…” Her eyes wandered around aimlessly, like she was searching for a light in the darkness.

Emily felt cold. Her body shuddered and her head started to droop down. Her hearing started becoming distorted as she fought to stay conscious. The noises around her sounded fuzzy, like everything was happening underwater. Her eyes started to roll backwards into her head.

She felt a tender hand against her cheek, pushing her face up, sending a warm feeling flowing through her body. That touch. She knew that delicate touch. She’d yearned for that touch every day since she’d met her.

 _Alison._ Alison was with her. Ben’s touch was gone. Alison would never hurt her.

“Emily, stay with me. Can you stay with me?”

Emily could hear the distant beat of a song she’d danced to with Alison the night of the Halloween party.

_“Round and around and around we go…I want you to stay…”_

“Stay…” Emily muttered.

“I’m here.” Alison promised, clutching her hand. She wasn’t leaving. She was never leaving her again. “Just listen to the sound of my voice. I’m here…”

“I think I’m going to pass out…” Emily felt like she was being held underwater, like her lungs were filling with liquid so rapidly that she was drowning.

“No. No, Emily, listen to me. You hit your head. You need to keep talking to me. You need to stay awake.” She moved Emily’s palm up to her face and held it there. She wanted Emily to have something real as a focal point. “I’m here. Just focus on me.”

For a few seconds Emily was able to hold her concentration on Alison. The warmth of her skin. The softness of her cheek. The curves of her face. But then she started fading again. She felt like she was slipping outside of her body.

“I’m woozy…”

“You’re going to be fine,” Alison said, trying not to panic, because _Jesus_ , that was a lot of blood in Emily’s hair. But it was a head wound. And they usually bled a lot. She’d been punched in the head enough on the field to know that much. “Hey, you’re going to be fine…”

Her voice was cut off by a primal growl that sounded like it had come from a lion in the wild and not a human teenage male.

“Son of a bitch.” Toby’s blows were landing against Ben, _hard_. “You son of a bitch.”

Emily could still hear the scuffle going on around them.

“What’s going on?” Emily’s head jerked towards the altercation, suddenly awake and alert again.

Alison faced the boys.

“Holy shit, Toby, you’re going to kill him…” She said it more out of shock than anything else. She certainly didn’t care if Ben got beaten to death.

“It would be justified. No jury in their right mind would convict me…” The noises stopped and Emily heard shuffling. “If you _ever_ come near my cousin or Alison again I will fucking _end_ you, Coogan.” Toby snarled.

Ben managed to get a blow in and roll out from underneath Toby. He kicked at his ribs and pulled himself to his feet. He pulled up his jeans and made a run for it. Before Toby could grab the little punk he’d already taken off towards the exit. Alison tried to throw her leg out and kick him, but she came up a few inches shy.

“Damn it!” Toby yelled angrily. He kicked over a garbage can in frustration and it clattered against the floor, sending trash everywhere.

Emily jumped and her breathing started to become uneven. She was dangerously close to hyperventilating.

“Toby…” Alison said with a warning tone. She motioned towards Emily.

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry. Emily, are you okay?” Toby kneeled next to her.

“My elbow hurts.” Emily flinched, her brow furrowed in confusion. “I think I fell?”

She was shuddering so much that her teeth were chattering.

“God, she’s freezing. She’s in shock,” Alison said. Emily’s body was cold underneath her touch. “Grab that towel.”

She moved, reaching for a towel in a locker that had been busted open in the confrontation. Emily panicked when she felt Alison moving. She reached out frantically, grasping at Alison’s hands.

“Don’t leave me,” she begged, her eyes glistening in the fluorescent lighting. “Alison, don’t leave me.”

All Alison could think about was how she’d begged Emily to stay with her last night, and there had been no hesitation on Emily’s part. Now it was Alison’s turn to return the favor. Somehow in between all the flirting and the friendly conversations they had become each other’s safe place, a comfort they had only found in one another.

“I’m right here.” Alison put her hands on Emily’s arms. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be okay. You’re safe now. Trust me.”

She put Emily’s palm against her cheek again, just so she had something solid to ground herself in reality. Emily nodded, listening to Alison, _believing_ the words. Toby watched the interaction curiously. He’d never seen this side of Alison before. She was stripped down and baring a softness he didn’t know she was capable of. Her ferocity had shifted into a sweet quiet empathy. She was calm. Kind. And what’s more, Emily was responding to it.

Normally Emily didn’t like to be touched, and he could only imagine what she was feeling like right now. He’d also never known Alison to be touchy-feely. Yet, with the two of them it seemed to be a necessity. They not only wanted the other’s touch. They needed it. Like oxygen. He watched as Alison kept her focused. He could see his cousin physically and emotionally calming down.

He’d seen Emily go through some very difficult things in her life, but she’d always persevered. Even in the darkest times he’d never seen her look so vulnerable. And she never let anyone in. But she was letting Alison in. There was something between them, a connection beyond anything he’d ever witnessed.

He noticed a small cut on Alison’s lip. It was bleeding. Her face was streaked red from where Ben had slapped her.

“Looks like that’s gonna hurt like hell tomorrow. You okay?” He asked her as he handed her the towel.

“I’m fine.” Alison nodded, wrapping the towel around Emily’s shoulders to try and keep her warm. It fell over her body, draping over it like an open robe.

She pulled Emily into her embrace. She rubbed her shoulders gently, but vigorously, trying to create a warm friction to bring Emily’s body temperature up. Emily instinctively pushed into Alison’s body, her arms shaking, her breath heavy.

She clutched Alison’s shirt with her uninjured hand, her fingers curling tight against the fabric. There was blood on the tips of her fingers. The sticky substance was smeared on her hand and on the bracelet that Alison had given her.

“Emily?” Toby asked. “Did he…” He felt bile in his throat at the thought of it.

He’d seen what Alison had seen. He’d seen Emily’s jeans on the floor and Ben’s dick free in the breeze.

Emily didn’t answer. She lowered her head. Her body started trembling as she breathed hard against Alison’s shirt, clinging to her desperately, feeling the warmth of Alison’s body against hers, smelling the aroma of her body lotion and the detergent on her shirt. It was the only thing keeping her alert and conscious.

All Alison could think about was how Emily had held her last night, how she’d kept her safe and made her feel secure. There was a stark contrast from then and the wide-eyed look she had on her face now. It sent a flood of emotions though Alison. Her anger was at the forefront, but she pushed it aside to comfort Emily.

“Shh, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell us anything until you’re ready…” Alison brushed some of her hair behind her ear. “Do you…do you want to get up and sit on the bench?”

Emily took in a shaky inhalation and nodded, still trying to get her bearings.

“Yeah.” She still felt completely disoriented.

“Toby?” Alison looked at Toby to help her get to her feet. “Be careful. She hit her head…”

“She’s bleeding,” Toby said in alarm when he saw the injury. “ _A lot_.”

“I’m okay.” Though her tone sounded uncertain. “I just…” She squeezed her eyes shut, a reflex from the pain, “I hit my head. But I’m fine. It’s…it’s fine, Toby,” Emily tried to calm her cousin down.

“No, it’s not. Emily…”

“I just need to catch my breath and I’ll be okay.” She pulled herself up. She faltered a little on her feet. “I feel…I’m a little lightheaded.” She clutched them both for support.

When she started sinking Toby grabbed her arm and Alison put her hands on her waist. They helped her sit down on the bench. She dipped her head down and took a few deep breaths. Toby bent over and picked her sunglasses up off of the floor and sat them down next to her on the bench.

“Better?” Alison asked, sitting down beside her, her hand landing on the center of Emily’s back.

Emily nodded. She rubbed a bruise that was forming on her cheek. Her hands were shaking so badly that they were practically vibrating. It enraged Toby more than he already was. He couldn’t just stand here and watch his cousin suffer while the asshole responsible was out there running free like some escaped convict.

“God, that stupid fucker.” Toby growled under his breath. “Stay with her.” He glanced at Alison.

“Of course.” Like she would even think of leaving Emily right now? Alison had to fight back a scoff.

“I’m gonna step out. See if I can find the little shit.”

“Toby, be careful,” Emily said. “He has a knife.”

Alison hated hearing that, but at the same time she was glad to know that his ass would go away for a long time. Sexual assault with a deadly weapon. Toby was right. No jury in the world would blame him for killing Ben.

“He _what_?” Rage flashed across Toby’s face. Alison jumped at the tone in his voice. She could tell he wanted to yell and rant about Ben using a knife on her, too, but he knew how shaken up his cousin was. So he bit back his anger. “Emily, don’t worry. I’m going to find him. I’m going to find him and then I’ll be back, okay?” Toby stepped up next to her, but didn’t touch her for fear of making her feel worse. “Alison is right here with you.”

Emily nodded, still somewhat out of it. She felt dizzy, in a strange sense of oblivion between conscious and unconscious. It didn’t feel real. Was she having a nightmare? Did pain this real exist in nightmares? And normally her nightmares consisted of an entirely different monster.

Toby glanced at Alison with a look that an overprotective father might give his daughter’s date. Alison responded with a silent promise: nothing was going to happen to Emily while she was around. It was very much a look that said _“I will destroy anyone who tries to get near her.”_

Toby nodded. They had never seen eye to eye, but in that very moment they were on the same page.

Toby paced out of the room. Emily heard the door close behind him. The locker room was silent except for the sounds of Emily’s harsh breathing. Alison rubbed her back to try and soothe her. Emily was gripping her injured elbow.

“Em, can I…do you want me to look at your arm?” Alison offered.

“Um…I uh…it hurts.” She uttered, feeling like a broken record, feeling like those were the only words she knew.

“I know. Can you bend it at all?” Alison gently took Emily’s wrist, but didn’t move her. She watched Emily carefully to make sure she wasn’t overstepping.

After a second Emily pulled her arm away from her chest and flexed her arm. It was painful, but she could move it.

“Good. That’s good.”

She felt Alison’s hand gently moving up her arm, stopping at the top of her forearm. Alison was careful not to touch her elbow. There was already a discolored bruise forming, but she couldn’t see any obvious signs of a break.

“It doesn’t look broken, but you banged it pretty hard.” Alison carefully let go of her arm, noticing that she had two broken fingernails from where she’d been trying to fight him off.

She imagined her girl had put up a hell of a fight. She’d seen a bloody injury on his hand and the gashes where Emily had scratched his face.

_Oh my sweet Amazonian Warrior. I hope the fucker’s mangled face never heals. I hope he dies. Slowly. Painfully._

Alison ran her fingers along Emily’s fingernails. One had broken at the cuticle and was bleeding. It set off a rage inside of Alison.

_I will kill him. I will kill that son of a bitch. If Toby doesn’t find him I will. I will run him over with my car, back it up and smash his skull against the road until he’s vulture meat._

She tried to contain her anger, for Emily’s sake. She carefully brushed some hair behind Emily’s ear. Emily didn’t flinch, so she kept her hand up by her face.

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” Alison asked.

She glanced down, looking at Emily’s exposed underwear, really wanting to ask how far Ben had gotten, because he’d had his dick out when she got there. But there weren’t any rips in her clothing and she didn’t see any bleeding, so Alison quietly prayed he hadn’t…

“No. Just my head and my elbow.”

It should have relieved Alison. But it didn’t. Because Ben had still hurt her.

“He uh…he caught me off-guard. Slammed me against the lockers.” Emily managed to huff out.

_Death to Ben Motherfucking Coogan. Fiery painful death._

“He shoved my head into something sharp and then things started to get fuzzy. I tried to fight back, but he kept pushing me and trying to…” She swallowed hard.

_Much death. Lots of death. Murder. Maim. Kill._

“I kept fighting, but he held a knife to my throat…” Her voice broke.

_I will kill him, revive him, then kill him again. His tombstone will read, “Here lies Ben Flat Fuckhead Coogan. His last words were ‘ow, my testicles. You’ve cut off my testicles!’”_

“It…it could have been much worse.” Emily thought of the knife against her throat. “With the knife…” Her hands were trembling. “You…you got here before he…” She cleared her throat. “He didn’t.” Emily whispered. “He tried to, but…” She got choked up. “God, he would have if you and Toby hadn’t showed up. I thought he was going to…”

“But he didn’t. You’re okay, Emily.” Alison’s fingers soothingly grazed her cheek.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” Emily repeated, like hearing it out loud affirmed it.

She let Emily breathe through it. She stayed with her, next to her the entire time. When her shaking finally ceased Emily reached her quivering hand out in search of Alison’s hand. Alison took it and held it gently. They sat like that for several minutes as Emily tried to settle down. After she calmed down Alison gently squeezed her fingers.

“Can I help you get dressed?” Alison asked.

“Please.” Emily nodded.

Alison helped her get her pants back on, careful not to move too quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was trigger any panic in her beautiful mermaid. She slowly helped her step into one leg, then the other. It was only when Alison was helping her get them up over her thighs that she noticed the bruising on her inner thigh from where Ben had roughly grabbed her. She could almost see the outline of his fingerprints. She felt herself shaking with rage.

_How fucking dare he…_

“I got it,” Emily said softly.

Alison pulled her gaze away from Emily’s legs and looked up at her face. Emily tried to get her pants up herself, but she struggled with her injured elbow. Alison could see her getting frustrated, so she took over. When Emily heard the sound of the zipper she froze. She grabbed Alison’s arm and squeezed it tightly. Alison’s attention immediately snapped towards the brunette’s face and saw that it was rigid with fear.

“Em?” Alison put her palm against Emily’s neck. She saw Emily fighting back tears. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Other than the obvious. Had she done something? Hurt her? Scared her? What had happened? How could she fix it?

“Alison, what would have happened if you and Toby hadn’t come in when you did?” Emily sank back down on to the bench.

Ben fucking Coogan would be dead right now instead of just bleeding and hurting. That’s what would have happened. As it was, she was hoping that Toby would find him and finish what he started. She wanted the boy dead. She wanted him deader than dead. She wanted his family dead. She wanted their fucking goldfish dead. She wanted to salt the Earth around his house and kill every fucking living thing in their vicinity and make it so that their poisonous vibes could no longer grow anywhere.

“Shh, just try to breathe. It’s over.” She put her palms on Emily’s cheeks.

“But he…” She shook her head in disbelief. “He would have. I could…I could feel it on my leg. Oh my God, he was going to…”

_I wonder how much an RPG costs. I am going to blow his fucking house up with him in it._

“Emily, you’re alright. Toby and I are here for you. We’re here. It’s okay.” She repeated it almost like a mantra and for some reason, it soothed Emily to hear it.

Emily nodded. She was so shaken up that she didn’t realize she was crying. But Alison saw the silent tears falling down her face. Seeing Emily cry ignited a fury in Alison she’d never felt before. She was actively thinking about murder. And she actually felt capable of going through with it.

_I am going to prison. I am going to prison for murder and I don’t even fucking care. He violated her. He hurt her. She’s crying because of him. That fucking psycho hurt my sweet Emily._

She carefully used her thumbs to brush away Emily’s tears. Emily managed to smile in appreciation. She squinted her eyes when she felt the tightness of the swelling on her cheekbone. Alison started grinding her teeth.

_I will eviscerate him. This town is going to be bathed in his blood. Little pieces of Ben Coogan are going to rain down in Rosewood after I’m through with him._

Alison moved one of her palms from Emily’s cheek to the side of her neck. She slipped her other hand down Emily’s uninjured arm and laced her fingers into Emily’s. Emily leaned forward, her forehead meeting Alison’s. She could feel Alison’s breath against her face. She tried to follow Alison’s breathing pattern to stay centered. Alison felt something wet against the back of her hand and she realized that a thin trail of blood from Emily’s ripped nail was trickling on to her hand. Her eyes flashed angrily.

_Toby, I swear to God, you better find him first. Because I will do it. I will fucking kill that bastard. And I won’t feel the least bit bad about it. Matter of fact I will throw a “Ben is Dead” party and we’ll toast to his murder and I will dance on his grave…_

“A-Ali?” Emily moved her face back, drawing Alison out of her internal rage.

“Right here, Em. I’m right here.” She cupped her cheeks gently. “Just tell me what you need.”

“I just…I wanted to hear your voice,” Emily admitted.

She took a shaky breath. She started to reach up to touch Alison’s face with her injured arm, but then cringed when she remembered it was hurt. She drew it back with a surprised hiss.

“Hey, easy. Just take it easy.” Alison pulled one of her hands away from Emily’s face and put it against her uninjured arm. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“We should go find Toby. I don’t want Ben to hurt him.” Emily tried to push herself to her feet.

Alison nearly fell over in shock. Was she serious? She had just been attacked. She was actively bleeding from the head. She was bruised to hell. And she was worried about Toby?

“No, sweetie. No. You’re not going anywhere.” Alison softly and carefully stopped her motions, holding her in place.

“I…I can’t just sit here. Ben might still have that knife. And if he uses it on Toby…if he hurts him…”

“Hey, listen to me. Toby can take care of himself. He’ll be fine. Right now I’m more concerned about you.”

“I’m alright.” She cleared her throat, trying to mask her shock and fear with a stoic bravery that Alison envied.

She had such a strong spirit. Alison wished she had half the strength that Emily had. She admired her so much. How was she holding it together right now? Because Alison felt like she was falling apart.

“Please, Ali. Ben…he…he’s dangerous…”

And Toby was a hothead. He wouldn’t let Ben get the upper-hand again. If Toby found him he would continue to pummel the shit out of him until he was unconscious, knife or no knife. In fact, Ben was more likely to be stabbed with his own knife than Toby was to be stabbed with it. Toby would probably drive it directly into the tip of his dick and slice him open from stem to sternum.

“And you were attacked. You’re hurt.” Alison gently ran her fingers across the bruise on her face. There was a tiny cut that was oozing blood in the center of the swelling. Alison’s eye twitched in rage. She bit her tongue.

_Murder the shit out of him, Toby. I’ll help you bury the body._

“You’re strong, Emily, but you’re not invincible. Just slow down for a minute.” Alison caressed her cheek.

There was a pause and then Emily reached out with her uninjured arm, touching Alison’s face. Alison sighed and closed her eyes. Something about Emily’s touch spoke right to her soul. She felt so connected to her that it almost hurt sometimes.

“I heard Toby say you were hurt, too.” She ran her fingers against Alison’s cheek. It was still red and hot from where Ben had hit her. “Are you okay?”

Emily had been attacked, injured, and nearly raped and she was asking her if she was okay? The purity of this girl’s soul was something that Alison couldn’t help but marvel at.

“I’m fine,” Alison nodded, reaching up to put her hand against Emily’s wrist. She wanted to hold her hand in place forever. She wanted to feel Emily’s touch forever. “Nothing that won’t heal.”

Though Toby was right. It was sure as hell going to hurt in the morning. She could already feel a tight tension in her neck. Emily moved her fingers lower, grazing her lip. She gasped when she felt the raised welt from the cut there.

“Oh my God…what did he do to you?” There was a quiet anger in her tone. “He fucking hit you, too?”

“It’s okay, Emily. I swear. I’ve gotten worse bumps and bruises playing field hockey. Trust me, this is nothing.”

Nothing compared to what had just happened to the brunette. Alison’s heart hurt so much for her. And it made her angry. She was angry that Emily was hurt. But at the same time, the softness and tenderness that Emily was showing to her, her _concern_ for her made her want to cry. Because Emily was so kind. So selfless. And she didn’t deserve Ben Coogan harassing her.

“I am going to _kill_ him for putting his hands on you.” Emily growled.

It earned a tiny smile from Alison. Her sweet protective mermaid. Planning to kill him was something they had in common. Maybe their first official date could be the murder of Ben Coogan.

“What about your wrist?” Emily asked. “Did he reinjure your wrist?”

“It’s fine.” It was a little stiff, but for the most part her wrist was okay. It was the least of her concerns.

“I’m so sorry he hurt you.” Emily lowered her head.

“Hey, I got a few good licks in, too.” Alison pushed her chin up, needing to see her eyes. She wanted to _look_ at her, to see her. “He’s going to be hurting tomorrow.”

_If Toby hasn’t ripped him apart by then._

She was just sorry she hadn’t gotten more hits in. She’d been pissed off and ready to fight him for a while, so all the rage she had stored up inside had fueled her fire when she’d come upon the scene. She’d come in swinging, aiming for his dick, but she’d ended up smashing the baseball bat into his hip.

Then she’d gone straight to whack him in the head with it, but he’d managed to get the weapon away from her. So she’d followed Emily’s lead and had slashed Ben’s cheek open with her fingernails on the opposite side of where Emily had gotten him. She was pretty sure the tip of her nail had scratched his eye. Alison was going to gouge his eyes out, but he’d smacked her before she had the chance.

Then Toby had come into the mix and Alison had immediately turned her attention to Emily, leaving Toby to deal with Ben. Toby had flown into a rage when he’d seen what was going on. He’d seen his cousin on the floor shivering in her underwear and Ben manhandling Alison and he’d absolutely lost his shit.

Alison had never seen anyone with so much hostility in their eyes. Before Ben could get another hit in, Toby had put himself between them and started wailing on him. She was surprised Ben was conscious, much less running around.

Alison moved her hand up along Emily’s jaw, flattening her palm against her uninjured cheek. She could still feel Emily trembling. Hot tears burned Alison’s eyes. She was so irate that Ben had done this. And she was mad at herself. She felt terrible. Because Ben had threatened to assault Emily last night, but instead of threatening him with the death of a thousand suns she had said nothing. She’d been too rattled by Noel’s attack.

No one had taken it seriously, and they should have. She’d heard that oftentimes acts of this nature were alluded to before they happened. She couldn’t stop thinking about what signs and warnings she might have missed. She’d _known_ Ben. She should have known he’d do this.

She wanted to take last night back, to change it, to make it so that they’d never even crossed paths with Noel and Ben after the game. She wanted to go back in time and lop Ben’s dick off for even _thinking_ of doing this. Or maybe even further back to murder his sorry excuse for parents so he would never be born.

“I’m so sorry, Em.” Alison uttered, her emotions getting the better of her. “I should have known…”

“Hey, it’s not your fault.” Emily shook her head.

“But…”

“It’s _not_ your fault,” she repeated, her voice stronger and more stern this time. “It’s not. Okay?”

Alison nodded. Emily felt her face move. She moved her fingers away from Alison’s lip and traced the line of her jaw. She brushed her thumb underneath Alison’s eye, feeling the wetness that had pooled there.

“Don’t cry, Ali,” she said quietly. “I’ll be okay.”

 _That’s right, sweetie._ Alison thought to herself. _I’m here now._

She had to stop herself from leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Emily’s forehead. She loved this beautiful girl. She loved her so much. And she was hurt. And God, she could have lost her. And despite what Emily said, it would have been her fault. For not defending her from Ben. For losing her stupid fucking bracelet. Emily had come here looking for her mother’s bracelet.

If something worse had happened Alison wouldn’t have been able to live with herself. As it was, she was having trouble slowing her racing mind from going to the dark place, to what _could have_ happened. A world without Emily Fields was unfathomable to her. Jesus, why hadn’t she told her she loved her last night? Life was too short for this bullshit.

Alison was completely overwhelmed by her emotions. All she could do was sit there and cradle Emily’s cheeks and let Emily stroke hers. It was calming for both of them, just knowing the other was there. Emily moved some of her blonde hair behind her ear and smiled sweetly, bravely, at Alison. Her smile always made Alison feel so warm inside. And that she still had the strength to smile after what she’d just gone through…

They heard a creaking noise and Alison’s head whipped back towards the sound, ready to go full blown savage on anyone who even tried to get near her girl. If it was Ben she was ready to rip his throat out with her teeth.

There was another creak, followed by a gentle knocking. Emily jumped and dropped her hand. She instinctively put her arm out in front of Alison, a reflex to protect her. Alison blinked in surprise at the motion. The internal desire to protect people was really strong in Emily.

“Is it okay if I come back in?” Toby’s voice softly carried across the room.

Emily caught her breath and nodded, lowering her arm.

“Yeah.”

His footsteps were light against the floor. He tried not to startle his cousin. When he came into view Alison glanced at him. They shared a silent look. Toby shook his head to let her know he hadn’t seen where Ben went.

 _Murder with my vehicle it is then._ Alison was willing and ready.

Toby started to take a step forward, then paused, looking at Alison, hesitating, trying to read the room, trying to see if Emily was still in shock. Emily picked up on what he was doing.

“Toby, you don’t have to tiptoe around me.” She tried to put on a brave face.

“I’m sorry,” he said, not meaning to make her feel uncomfortable.

He just wasn’t sure what to do. Without Ben around for him to take his aggression out on, he’d reverted to being anxious about her injuries. He took a few steps and kneeled down in front of her. He ran his thumb over the welt on her cheek.

“We should ice this.”

“You didn’t find him, did you?” Emily lowered her chin, her lips quivering.

“We will.” Toby promised, a sudden wave of testosterone igniting his anger again. “I won’t let him get near you again, Emily. I swear. I will kill him myself before that happens.”

 _Get in line._ Alison thought to herself.

“We’re not going to let him get away with this, okay?” Toby put his hands on Emily’s.

She moved one of her hands out from under his and traced the outline of his knuckles with her fingers, knowing she was going to find abrasions on them. She felt the scabs. The bones felt swollen.

“How bad is it? You didn’t break anything, did you?” She asked.

“Don’t worry about me,” he said. He rubbed his thumb against her injured cheek, earning a scowl from Alison. She knew they were family, but she didn’t want anyone, _anyone_ to touch Emily, especially not right now. “We need to report this to the police.”

Alison glanced at Emily and gently put her palm against Emily’s arm.

“Em, it’s up to you.”

She knew how violated Emily felt. And she didn’t want Emily to feel like they were making the choice for her. Alison was going to report the jackass regardless, because no one touched _her_ Emily and got away with it, _especially_ not Ben fucking Coogan. But she wanted Emily to know she could make the call. She was just hoping what she was going to do was going to match what Emily wanted to do.

“Definitely.” Emily nodded. “I don’t want him to do this to anyone else.”

“You need to see a doctor, too,” Toby added softly.

She flinched at the mention of it. Toby knew he was going to get resistance, because he knew her. Emily hated hospitals.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to freak my parents out.” They’d left home for _one_ weekend and this had happened. They’d never leave her alone again. “My arm hurts, but I don’t think it’s broken.”

“It’s not your arm that worries me.” He ran his fingers softly over the back of Emily’s head. “You’ve got a pretty nasty head wound, cous.”

“Oh, is that what that raging pain is?” Emily tried to give him a smile, but it came out as a grimace.

“God, I can’t believe that fucker did this to you.” He looked at the blood on his fingers.

“Toby,” Alison hissed. The last thing Emily needed right now was to be around his masculine rage.

“Alison, it’s okay.” Emily stroked her arm.

“How hard did you hit your head?” Toby questioned.

“I never lost consciousness.” She assured him. “I just caught the edge of the locker latch when he…” Flashes of what she’d felt ran rampant through her mind. His rough angry hands. The knife. That thick bulge sliding against her thigh. Suddenly, she lost her breath, thinking about how it could have ended up, thinking about what he’d tried to do. “He…” She took a sharp breath.

“Just breathe,” Alison said. “He’s gone. He’ll never hurt you again. I promise.”

Just fucking let him try. She’d bring a hell of a lot more than a baseball bat. She’d rip his dick off and shove it down his throat. He would never even so much as look at Emily again. She would make sure of that. Ben Coogan was going to regret the day he was born by the time she was finished with him.

Emily fought back a strangled noise in her throat and then nodded. They let her calm down again. After she’d settled, Alison rubbed her shoulder soothingly.

“Do you think you can walk?” Alison asked.

“I think so, but he…um…he broke my cane,” she said.

 _What? That fucking fucker. Fuck that fucking fuckhead with dick for brains. I will shove that jagged broken cane right up his fucking asshole and rip him a new shithole. He’ll be a goddamn shish-ka-ben when I’m done with him._ Alison was so pissed she couldn’t even think straight. “Fuck” seemed to be the only word in her vocabulary. But she knew it was more than appropriate for her anger at the situation.

“It’s okay. We’ve got you,” Toby replied.

Emily pushed her uninjured arm against the bench to give herself the momentum to get herself up. Before she could put all of her weight on her arm, she felt the two of them helping her to her feet. She held her injured arm close to her body and reached her other arm out to Alison to help steady herself. After a few seconds she nodded to let them know she was ready.

“Just go slow, sweetie,” Alison said.

Emily took her advice, putting one foot in front of the other. They took several steps, but then Emily started to feel woozy. The pounding in her head intensified. Her stomach lurched. She could still smell him. A wave of nausea wafted over her.

“Emily?” Toby asked in uncertainty, afraid she was about to pass out. “You okay?”

Emily’s brain felt muddled. Her hands started to shake. Her face looked green. She wavered on her feet, her legs wobbling in unease. Alison and Toby held her up. Her neck jerked forward as she felt a hot liquid sliding up her esophagus.

Her eyes started to water. Her nose burned. She retched and then threw her face forward as she puked all over the floor. She coughed, tears trickling out of the corners of her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she gagged, gasping to catch her breath, her throat still burning.

“It’s okay.” Alison rubbed the small of her back. “It’s okay, Em.”

She gagged again, certain she was going to puke again, but nothing came out. She stood on her feet dry heaving for a few seconds. Her face was burning, sweat pouring from her pores. She was shaking. She looked up, her pupils the size of saucers. Her body started to sway and her legs started to give out.

“Toby…” Alison looked at him, her voice strained, her eyes full of fear just screaming _“Help her. Please help her.”_

Toby put his hand on Emily’s cheek. She barely responded. Her eyes flickered, her eyelids fluttering closed.

“That’s it. I’m taking you to the hospital,” he said.

Emily didn’t argue this time. Before she could collapse she felt him put one arm underneath the backs of her knees and the other against her shoulders, hauling her off of the ground in one fell swoop.

“Ali,” Emily uttered weakly as her cheek fell against Toby’s shoulder.

“I’m still here.” Alison moved forward, taking Emily’s outstretched hand.

Toby nodded his head towards the door and Alison spun around to open it for him, still holding Emily’s hand in hers.

When they got out to Toby’s car, Alison opened the back door so they could lay her down in the back seat. Emily grimaced when Alison let go of her hand. Toby leaned inside the car, gently putting her down against the seat.

Alison went around to the other side, not even asking Toby’s permission before climbing in the back with her. Nothing was going to keep her away from her girl right now. Toby wouldn’t have objected anyway. He could see the connection the two of them had. He didn’t particularly like it, because he didn’t entirely trust Alison, but he could see it. And the important thing was Emily and what she needed.

Alison carefully lifted Emily’s head and put it in her lap. She took Emily’s waiting hand again and Emily gripped it tightly. Alison’s thumb traced over the bloody bracelet on Emily’s wrist. She didn’t know if it was Ben’s blood or Emily’s blood, but either way it pissed her off.

“I told you, I’m not going anywhere.” Alison put her palm against Emily’s forehead and ran her hand up over the top of her head, her fingers snaking into Emily’s hair.

Toby hopped in the front seat and started the car. He drove quickly, but carefully, through the streets of their town trying to get to the hospital as fast as he possibly could. Alison spoke quietly and soothingly to Emily to try and keep her calm. Toby hadn’t heard Emily respond for a few minutes and he gripped the steering wheel anxiously.

“Emily, are you still with us?” Toby asked, glancing in the rearview mirror.

“Yeah,” Emily said, dazed, but otherwise conscious.

“How’s your head?” he asked.

“It feels…it’s like there’s this…pressure.” Her face felt so weird. “I think I got blood on your seat.”

“That’s nothing.” Toby tried to keep her talking. “Remember when your dad took us to the carnival when we were seven? When we ate funnel cakes and corndogs and then both of us puked on the way home?”

“Jenna cried because you hurled on her teddy bear.” Emily slowly nodded.

“Want to know a secret?” Toby asked. “I was aiming for that stupid teddy bear. I was mad at her for stealing my tokens in the game area. That teddy bear should have been mine.”

She smiled.

God, her smile was like a weapon. Alison couldn’t help herself as she pushed her knuckles against Emily’s face, delicately stroking her cheek. And suddenly, Emily turned her head, and her smile was directed at Alison. And her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes just made Alison melt. She could stare into them for days. It’s like there was an entire world behind them. Even when she was hurting there was a light in them.

“We spent all day running around, playing games, and eating junk food. We ate this entire basket of fries and we were still hungry, so my dad let us get corndogs. Then we had funnel cake for dessert. We were supposed to leave after we ate, but Toby really wanted to ride this whirly-gig ride. We rode it like three times in a row.” She took a breath. The memory felt like it was fading into darkness. “And I…” Her eyes fluttered and she started to mumble, “…I…um…”

“Em?” Toby glanced in the rearview mirror. His eyes met a very worried Alison’s gaze.

“I’m tired.”

Alison could feel her going limp in her arms. She tried not to freak out, but all she could think about was the worst case scenarios she’d seen on every hospital drama on TV. Brain bleeds. Seizures. Death by cranial swelling.

“Emily, you have to stay conscious.” Alison rubbed her cheek. “You probably have a concussion. You can’t go to sleep until we know how bad it is.”

“Right. I, uh…” She started drifting off again.

“Hey, concentrate,” Alison said. “Tell me more about that day at the carnival. What happened after you rode the ride?”

Emily’s forehead crinkled as she tried very hard to make her muddled mind work.

“We took the sky-lift across the park to get back to the entrance. Toby got scared when we were in the air…”

“I did not.” Toby bit back with a laugh.

Alison had to stifle her own laughter because she was picturing big bad Toby Cavanaugh crying into a corndog.

“Yes, you did. When it stopped because of the power failure. It was windy. You were afraid we were going to fall into the pool above the water park and drown.” Emily’s mouth twitched into a smile. “And then when we finally got back on solid ground you hugged the beam over by the exit. My dad had to pull you away from it.”

“That was a dare.” Toby tried to sound gruff and manly. “Jenna dared me.”

“Jenna was in the cart behind us. You were clinging to that pole long before Jenna and your mom caught up to us.” Emily gave him a hard time. “Just admit that you were scared.”

The truth was, he had been scared. But nowhere nearly as terrified as he’d been today. His cousin was hurt, and she could have been killed. Had Alison not showed up when she did he still would have had his earbuds in. And he wouldn’t have heard the screams. He knew how close Ben had come to actually following through with his assault.

“Fine.” Toby laughed softly. “You win. I was practically ready to piss my pants that day.”

He turned a corner. A few seconds later they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. When he pulled up to the entrance and the car rolled to a stop Emily felt the motion of the car lightly teetering and her stomach curled in on itself. It moved more when Toby climbed out of the front seat. She groaned. Alison felt her shaking.

“Hey, are you okay?” Alison felt stupid asking the question, because _of course_ she wasn’t okay. After everything she’d just been through she might not ever be okay again.

“Yeah, I…” Emily’s eyes started watering. “No, I think I’m going to be sick again.”

The back door next to Alison opened up and Toby leaned in. Alison helped him get her up. Emily grasped the side of the door and leaned down, placing her feet against the pavement for support.

She felt her stomach heave, but nothing came out. Her grip on the door loosened and she wavered, nearly falling forward. She felt two hands, one feminine and the other larger and calloused, catch her. Alison grasped her waist tightly from behind her. Toby had his hand on her uninjured arm, holding her up. She flinched at Toby’s touch, but not Alison’s. Emily knew it was irrational to panic. She knew Toby wasn’t going to hurt her. But she still grimaced.

Toby noticed her unease right away. He saw a flash in Emily’s eyes and he immediately realized his grip was making her uncomfortable. So he pulled back, looking at Alison to hold her up until she got her bearings. He didn’t even have to tell her. Alison had her.

“Em, I’m going to get a wheelchair. Are you okay staying here with Alison for a minute?”

Emily nodded in response. She heard him pacing off.

“He worries,” Emily said. “He’s a worrier. Even when we were kids. He was always so overprotective.”

“Just like your mom.” Alison stroked her cheek.

“Yeah. Exactly. It’s funny, they’re not even related by blood. He’s family on my dad’s side. But he’s more like my mother than I am.” She tried to move her arm to loosen her tense muscles. “Mmm…” She groaned uncomfortably.

“Why don’t you lie back until he gets back?” Alison suggested, moving slowly and carefully behind her so she didn’t trigger her.

She parted her legs to make room and gently pulled Emily to sit back against her. Emily didn’t resist. She leaned back until the back of her head was resting against Alison’s shoulder, her blood smearing on Alison’s shirt. But Alison didn’t care.

Alison wrapped her arm around Emily’s waist and Emily put her palms against it, her fingers curling against it like it was a safety belt that was keeping her from being flung into a dark twisted disaster.

Emily could feel Alison’s breath against her neck. It was strangely soothing. She couldn’t see the tears in Alison’s eyes. She couldn’t see her biting her lip to fight back her own cries. Because the reality of what had happened and how much it could have escalated was hitting the blonde hard.

“You okay?” Emily felt a slight tension in her grip.

“Yeah.” But it came out strained.

There was a pause and then Emily squeezed her eyes shut for a few seconds. She opened them back up.

“Ali?”

“Yeah, Em?”

“If I pass out don’t leave me.” She clutched Alison’s arm tightly.

“You’re not going to pass out.” Alison tried to assure her, though mentally she was freaking the fuck out. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“I shouldn’t have gone there alone, but I…” And then, like a lightbulb went off in her head she moved up slightly. She felt Alison’s bracelet burning a hole in her pocket. And she remembered why she’d gone there in the first place. “I was worried someone else would find it.”

“Find what?” Alison questioned in confusion, having completely forgotten about the lost jewelry.

Emily moved one of her hands towards her pocket.

“I almost forgot.” She reached into her pocket and pulled the piece of jewelry out and held it in her palm. “I found your mom’s bracelet.”

Alison couldn’t contain her tears any longer. Emily had been through all of this to find her mother’s bracelet. She’d gone out to that school for her. It’s like in knowing Alison, it had incited bad things to happen to her. She closed her eyes and silently made a promise to herself that nothing, _nothing_ bad would ever happen to Emily Fields again. She bargained with a God she hadn’t believed in since she was four years old with a clear message:

_“This girl is off limits. You want her? You have to go through me.”_

She felt an internal chill. Love was terrifying. She had never cared this much about anything in her life. It scared her that not only would she kill for Emily, but that she’d be willing to die for her, too.

* * *

 **A/N:** _I know it was kind of a rough chapter. Take a breath. Just don't use your full lungs to scream at me.  
_


	14. Under the Microscope

* * *

  **A/N:** _I’m sure all of my readers are already aware of this, but I wanted to put it out there that I do not take any heavy subject matter I write lightly. And I also don’t do anything gratuitously. In planning stories I meticulously consider every part of the plot and consider how it ties into the bigger arc. Everything has a point. Dialogue, the way things are phrased, the way things are timed, every action. All of it. My plot points never come from nowhere. Little things characters do often build into larger things and/or tie back into the plot._

_I go back and forth with myself in planning how I want a story to play out, and that includes the heavier stuff like the content of the last chapter. I know it wasn’t easy to read. It was even harder to write and edit, but it was plotted from the beginning. Early on, I did consider cutting it, but ultimately realized I couldn’t because it’s a catalyst for several characters and their direction and growth. And I also would have had to go back and rewrite Ben’s entire attitude, because he had moments leading up to the assault that couldn’t just go nowhere. There are usually indications and thoughts and troubling behavior patterns prior to, which is actually the most terrifying thing about assaults. When you get creepy vibes, trust your inner voice._

_Anyway, I’ve brought you all here for this PSA because I realize I didn’t include any authors notes about the severity of Ben’s actions in the last chapter. I wanted everyone to be able to breathe before I hit you with this long-winded “Ted Talk”. I don’t take any of it lightly, which is why I mentioned in the previous chapter notes prior to the chapter that it might be triggering for some, even though the chapter before the actual assault alluded to what was going to happen._

_All that being said, I don’t want anyone to worry about the direction of the story, because while traumatic things happen (just like in real life), Emily and Alison will always remain Emily and Alison at their cores. Which is what this fic is about._

* * *

**Chapter 14:**

**Under the Microscope**

When they got into the ER Alison sat down next to the wheelchair Emily was in, still holding her hand. Emily wasn’t shaking nearly as much. She was starting to become more cognizant of what was going on. And though she hid it well, she was freaked the fuck out to be in the ER.

“I’m going to get you checked in and get the paperwork started,” Toby said. “Then I’ll call the station and see if they can come meet us here.”

“Thanks, Toby.”

“Hang in there,” he said as he walked towards the front desk.

“How are you feeling?” Alison asked.

“I still feel sick to my stomach.” Emily admitted. She cringed thinking about the fact that she’d probably vomited on both Toby and Alison. “And my head has a slight tingling sensation when I move or breathe…or think…or do anything. That’s probably totally normal though, right?” She tried to laugh, but it hurt her.

Alison’s right hand balled into an angry fist. Her fury was radiating off of her body like a small space heater ready to ignite in the cold dark night. Because _goddamn_ the bastard who had done this to _her_ Emily.

_Fuck Ben Coogan. Seriously. Fuck him._

“Totally. Happens all the time when I try to do math.” Alison laughed nervously. She was so worried. She hadn’t cared like this about _anything_ in a long time.

There was a beat of silence and then Emily huffed out a nervous breath.

“You know, I don’t think you guys need to go to all this trouble. I just need an icepack and an ibuprofen and I’ll be okay.” Emily’s face tensed. “I’m fine. I’m just sore.”

“Em, you need to see a doctor,” Alison said softly.

“I’m just a little shaken up. No big deal. I’m feeling better. I think if I just get some rest I’ll be okay.” Her words came out suspiciously like a child who was rebelling against something.

“Tell you what, you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up and we’ll take you home right now.” She lifted her hand jokingly and extended her index and middle finger.

“Very funny.” Emily scoffed. She paused and thought about it. “Two.”

Alison lowered her hand and blinked in surprise, though she should have known Emily would see right through her.

“How could you possibly…”

“It’s everyone’s go-to. It usually two or three. I’m not a superhero. I’m just good at deduction.”

“I don’t care how good you are at statistics and math. You’re getting your head scanned.” Alison replied.

Emily smiled at her.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m acting like a spaz…”

“It’s completely warranted.” Alison cut her off.

Ben had really done a number on her. Alison squeezed her hand and moved some of her hair away from her face. Seeing the bruise on her cheek both pained and angered her. Her anger at Ben was the only thing that was keeping her from freaking out.

Emily was usually the strong one, but right now Alison knew she needed to be there for her. And that terrified her, because she didn’t know how to do that. She’d never met a problem that money or sexual prowess couldn’t fix. She’d never had to actually be emotionally available. But for Emily, she wanted to. She wanted to give her the world.

Alison watched her curiously, trying to get a read on what was going on in her mind, though she thought she had a pretty good idea.

Emily had a vacant look on her face. But it wasn’t Ben or the assault on her mind. She was thinking about the last time she’d been in the hospital. Her stomach tensed up. She tried to keep the internal panic at bay.

She rubbed her elbow. It felt larger than normal. She could feel the swelling. She sighed.

“They’re going to call my parents.” She massaged her temple, a pulsing sensation burning from behind her eyes. They’d forgotten her sunglasses, and all the fluorescent lights weren’t helping her pounding head. “God, they’re going to freak.”

 _What parent wouldn’t?_ Alison wondered. Even her mom and dad would lose their shit if a lunatic tried to rape her.

“You think it might stall your dad from leaving?”

 _Great, really dig the knife in and twist it._ Alison wanted to smack herself. _Idiot_.

“Army is army.” Emily sighed. “His commanding officer isn’t going to postpone anything just because his daughter has a few bruises and a bump on the head.”

“Yeah, but…” Alison stopped sharply, the _“you were nearly raped”_ catching on her tongue, because the last thing she wanted to do was upset her more.

“I was attacked.” Emily nodded, seemingly knowing where Alison was going with her statement. “People get attacked and hurt every day. The army doesn’t just postpone their orders. I’m alive and I’m going to be fine. Only thing that would keep them from holding off on his orders would be if I was dead or dying.”

Alison wasn’t sure what to say to that. It felt like a trap. _“Yay, you’re dead so your dad gets to stay”_ was just as bad as _“Yay, you’re not dead so your dad is being shipped far far away from you, maybe to his death.”_

“I’m sorry,” Alison said softly. She felt like she was saying all the wrong things.

“No, don’t be sorry. If you weren’t here with me I’d…” Emily trailed off, “…I’m not sure what I’d do.”

Emily reached up and rubbed her eyes. She squeezed them shut and then opened them back up. Alison could tell that she was hurting. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her designer Gucci sunglasses. She slipped them on over Emily’s eyes.

“I…I don’t know if yours are prescription or anything, but these are polarized and they might help with the light intake.”

“They’ll help.” Emily smiled sweetly at her. “Thank you.” She squirmed around in the chair uncomfortably.

“Can I get you something? Do you need anything?” Alison noticed her stiff stance.

“No.” Emily abruptly stopped moving. “I just hate hospitals.”

Her entire body tensed up. Something occurred to Alison. Emily must have spent a lot of time in hospitals after the night she went blind. Treatments, surgeries, and a variety of other things must have been done to her. Or maybe it went further back. Maybe something had happened to her and Maya that sent them to the hospital. Maybe Emily had walked out, but Maya hadn’t.

“I get that.” Alison replied. “They can be scary…an emotional place.” She carefully watched Emily’s face for a spark of recognition, something that would spawn her to open up instead of shut down, but there was nothing to indicate any emotion. “You’ve probably had your fair share of them.”

Emily just nodded to acknowledge her. She curled her uninjured arm up close to her cheek and leaned against it. She was starting to feel lightheaded again. She leaned into the palm of her hand, her neck cocking at a slight angle.

“You okay?” Alison asked. She felt like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

“My head really hurts. I think I’m going to close my eyes for a few minutes while we wait.”

“Em, no. You need to stay conscious.” Alison brushed her knuckles up against Emily’s uninjured cheek.

“I’m really tired, Ali.”

Alison panicked, because she didn’t know what to talk about. She couldn’t talk about her life and her family with her dad packing up to leave. And she couldn’t ask about her history with Maya either without bringing her to the brink of tears. So she fell back on a topic that meant something to both of them. She glanced at Emily’s bracelet, now tainted with the blood of what had happened today. But they would always have Paris, bracelet or no bracelet.

“Remember our first lunch together? When we talked about going to France?” Alison asked.

She saw Emily smile. It made her rage and fear dissipate for just a fraction of a second.

“How could I forget?” Emily faced her, rubbing the bracelet. “You brought Paris to me.” She smiled as if to say, _“you big old softie.”_

“Tell me more about what we’d do in the French Riviera.”

“I imagine we’d visit Nice.” Emily took in a calming breath through her nose.

_That’s right, honey, just go somewhere safe. You’re safe. I promise you, you’re safe._

She wanted Emily to feel the way she’d felt last night in her strong arms. She wanted to provide the same comfort that Emily had given her in her time of need.

_Need._

That’s what it was. Alison thought about how Emily had been in her bed in a different way than any of her other previous lovers, and she suddenly realized what the difference was. They didn’t just _want_ one another. They _needed_ each other. More than just sexually.

“What else?” Alison encouraged her.

“Going to the marina.” She smiled. “Walking on the beach.” She curled her toes, picturing miles of warm white sand. “Feeling the sand between our toes, the warm ocean water rolling over our feet.”

If she concentrated really hard she could hear the waves rolling up against the shore. She could feel the frothy edges of the water tickling her ankles.

“Sounds amazing.” Alison lightly drew her index finger over Emily’s palm, tracing the pattern of a seashell.

Emily smiled at her touch. Her fingertips were so light and feathery. She was so gentle. Emily wanted to kiss Alison’s fingertips and pepper her knuckles with sweet gentle pecks.

“Do you feel the wind blowing?” Alison reached up with her other hand and carefully moved Emily’s hair back over her shoulder.

“I do.” Emily had a serene expression on her face. “And I can smell the saltwater.” She could feel herself relaxing as she mentally walked the beaches of France.

A large burly man walked past them, accidentally bumping against Emily’s shoulder. Alison saw her jerk out of her daydream. She glared angrily at him for getting too close to Emily. Her eyes were like fire.

“Excuse you.” Alison shot daggers at him.

“Sorry.” He huffed indifferently through a paper mask on his face. He kept walking.

 _I will cut you…_ Alison didn’t like how unenthusiastic he was about apologizing.

She wanted him to fall all over himself and grovel in front of her girl and ask for forgiveness, because that’s what Emily deserved. Then again, that’s not what Emily wanted. She wasn’t that kind of person. She was like a quiet unsuspecting storm. She didn’t often strike, but when she did it left people like Noel Kahn and Ben Coogan cowering.

_Goddamn Ben Coogan._

“You’re being awfully quiet.” Emily touched her arm softly. “Are you okay? You’re not hurting, are you?”

“I’ll be fine.” Alison absentmindedly rubbed her wrist.

Emily felt the motion underneath her palm. She frowned. Ben had come after Alison, too, and that pissed her off. But it also worried her. She didn’t want Alison getting so wrapped up in her injuries that she forgot about her own.

“Tell you what. We’re both here…” She trailed off. “I’ll get my head checked if you get your wrist checked. Just to be on the safe side.”

Alison couldn’t help but laugh softly. Of course Emily would give her an ultimatum in a hospital.

“I dunno. What’s in it for me? Will I get a lollipop if I behave?”

“Alison, please just do this for me.” Emily squeezed her hand with a laugh. “For my own peace of mind.”

“Fine,” Alison replied reluctantly. “But I’m not wearing a paper gown that leaves my ass hanging in the breeze. I mean, it’s a great ass, but I don’t want all of Rosewood to see it for free.”

Emily laughed. And Alison relished in seeing her smile. Ben hadn’t taken the beauty away from her spirit. He hadn’t changed her. The bold woman in front of her was still her sweet badass Emily Fields.

“Now we just have to blackmail Toby into making sure he didn’t break his knuckles,” Emily said.

“That’s probably not a bad idea. He came in to that locker room and lit the asshole’s face up like they were in _Fight Club_.”

“So did you, apparently. I heard it when you went major league on him with that baseball bat.”

Emily knew that while Toby had ultimately been the one who had taken Ben down, had Alison not gotten there first things would have been much worse. In that locker room seconds mattered. And Alison had gotten there first. She’s the one who had gotten Ben off of Emily. Alison had tackled him and wailed on him with the bat and kept him at bay for as long as she could.

“I learned my moves from you, Killer.” Alison smirked, thinking of how effortlessly Emily had been able to take down Noel and Ben the night before. “I would have knocked his stupid flat head off of his body had he not gotten the bat away from me.”

Alison couldn’t believe they were having this kind of conversation. Weren’t kids their age supposed to be stressing about their SAT scores and college applications? Instead they were getting hassled by a couple of assholes and life just kept throwing punches at them.

“God. It’s been a shitty month.” Alison sighed.

“Not entirely.” Emily lifted her head with a smile.

“What good could you possibly see right now?” And there she was. _Bitchy Ali. Hopeless Ali._

“You.” Emily answered without skipping a beat.

And just like that, Bitchy Ali disappeared into a vat of smoke. Emily always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart. She was like the calm to her storm, the rainfall to put out the fire inside of her mind.

“I’d say us getting to spend time together has been a highlight,” Emily said. “Though maybe next time we want to get together we don’t end up beat up and in a hospital. Deal?”

“Deal.” Alison smiled warmly, taking Emily’s hand in hers.

Alison looked up and saw Toby approaching. They could hear him muttering about the ridiculousness of the ER and how the doctors had taken back some dude with the common cold and a woman with a hangnail over Emily’s head wound. Apparently being assaulted and bleeding from the head meant nothing to the staff there.

“Priorities.” He mumbled to himself. He walked over next to his cousin. “I called the cops and got you checked in, Em…”

“You better head back to the counter and check the two of us in, too.” Alison glanced at Emily and then looked back at Toby like _“whatever she says, goes. No arguments…”_

“For what?”

“If I have to get poked and prodded, so do you.” Emily teased.

“That’s mature. Sound logic.” Toby rolled his eyes with a laugh.

“Look, I’m not naïve, Toby. I know you beat the shit out of him. And I also know that throwing as many punches as you did, you might have broken something.”

“My knuckles are fine,” Toby argued. In fact, they were ready to go for round two with Ben’s face.

“Only way I’m getting checked out is if you both get checked out, too. It’s either that or I’m going home.”

“Are you seriously bartering with your own well-being right now?”

Alison had to snicker. Emily was persistent, she’d give her that.

“Take the deal or leave it.” Emily shrugged.

Toby grunted out something unintelligible and then muttered as he walked back towards the counter. By the time he got back he was less pissy. It occurred to him that it would probably be a good thing to have Alison’s injuries on record for the police, too. His injuries…he wasn’t as enthralled about, because technically since he had a strike against him the cops would probably figure out a way to turn defending the girls into something against him, especially since the fight had happened on school grounds.

He wanted to be more discreet about his involvement. Even so, what he’d said in the locker room stood: no one would convict him for what he’d done to Ben. And he didn’t regret his actions. He’d do it again a hundred times over.

A nurse came out to get Emily. She didn’t say anything, but Toby and Alison could see the emotions washing across her face. Toby knew why her fears ran so deep. He wasn’t sure what to say that could calm her nerves. Alison looked at her in concern.

 _“I hate hospitals,”_ she’d said.

She didn’t say she was afraid of them. Just that she hated them. But a lot of the time when someone said they hated something they were really afraid and just wouldn’t say it. It was hard for Alison to see Emily as being afraid of anything though. She’d literally jumped off of a cliff without hesitation. She faced life in the dark every day.

But internal fears were different than the things people experienced out in the world. It had to have been hell for her to experience an entirely dark world after living with vision for so long, and doing it in the hospital must have been overwhelming.

Toby saw Emily picking at her fingernails. She was mentally getting herself worked up. And he knew there was only one thing that might settle her nerves. He had seen the way she’d reacted to Alison in the locker room. When the two of them were together it was like nothing else mattered.

“Do you want Alison to go with you?” Toby asked.

He immediately saw the relief on her face. She’d wanted exactly that, but had been too stubborn and full of pride to ask.

“I could use the company.” Emily nodded, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

An enthusiastic resounding _yes_.

The police arrived just as they were being taken back to be examined. Emily was getting situated in a bed. Alison stayed with her. The cops started by getting a statement from each of them. Emily was first. When the cop asked Emily to recount what had happened Alison saw her tense up. Alison put her palm on top of Emily’s hand.

“I can wait outside if you…”

“No.” Emily latched on to her hand, squeezing it. “I want you to stay.”

Alison nodded and glanced at the cop to continue. He asked Emily about the assault. She walked him through it, her voice only quivering once when she mentioned how he’d made her grope him and how he’d groped her.

Hearing it in full detail brought back all the rage Alison had felt in the locker room. That murderous train of thought that she would have acted on if he was right in front of her. She’d grab the cop’s weapon and shoot him with every single bullet in the gun and then she would bash him in the face with the empty gun. She fantasized about killing him in the most painful ways.

But something else also happened while Alison watched Emily calmly and collectively talk her way through it. Seeing her grace and poise was a testament to her strength. She was by far the bravest person Alison had ever met. Hearing her talk about going on the defensive made her proud. She nodded in satisfaction hearing that Emily had clawed him and bitten the shit out of him twice. In fact, if he hadn’t broken her cane and bashed her in the head she probably would have one-upped him. _Again_.

The cop took detailed notes as Emily went through it. She mentioned the smell of alcohol. She mentioned yelling at him to stop. She revisited _every_ detail, and though Alison knew it had to be hell for her she didn’t skip _anything_. The policeman took note of the knife.

“You’re sure it was a knife?” He questioned.

 _What the hell kind of question is that?_ Alison thought angrily to herself.

“He held it against my neck. I felt the blade,” Emily replied calmly, assuredly.

“Any idea what happened to it? Do you know if he still had it on him when he fled the scene?” They would need to try and find it for evidence.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know.”

Before Alison could tell her not to apologize, the officer did it for her.

“No need to be sorry, Miss Fields. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Alison nodded in approval. So they’d gotten someone who actually gave a damn. That was good.

After the officer finished questioning Emily he got Alison’s statement. After he was finished talking to Alison he looked back over the notes he jotted down, trying to fight back an amused look.

“So after you came on to the scene and found the suspect,” he scanned his notes, “Ben Coogan, forcing himself on to Miss Fields here...” He nodded towards Emily, “...you ‘whacked the son of a bitch with a baseball bat and then aimed for his nuts’…” The cop had a wry smile as he read Alison’s statement. He appreciated Alison’s brevity. “…and that’s when he hit you?” He looked at the cut on her lip.

“No. He knocked the bat out of my hand first.” Otherwise she would have used his head for batting practice. “Then I punched him.” She glanced down at her fingernails, which had been scraped for evidence. “Then he slapped me,” _like a little fucking girl,_ “and that’s when Toby came in and pulled him away from me.”

She chose her words carefully for Toby’s sake. She had been thinking about how she wanted to phrase it. There was a lot of uncertainty, but she knew she had to paint Ben in the flames of hell and also keep Toby from facing retribution. She’d gotten Emily’s cousin that first strike on his record. She was going to do everything in her power to make sure he didn’t get a second one, though she highly doubted self-defense for protecting his cousin would be a problem with the cops.

“Did you see the knife?” he asked Alison.

That irritated Alison. The cop seemed stuck on the fact that they didn’t have physical evidence of the weapon, but she believed Emily.

“What I saw was the bastard’s dick out. If I had seen the knife I would have gone Lorena Bobbit on his ass,” Alison said, unable to control her anger.

The cop actually nodded in agreement. Alison didn’t know it, but he had a little sister and he would have had the same reaction. He had no tolerance for sexual deviants, and if it were up to him he’d let Alison take her rage out on the boy.

“I don’t want you to worry, Miss Fields.” The officer said kindly. “It sounds like the eye-witness accounts and the evidence are overwhelming. And since the assault happened on school property it’s likely he’ll face automatic expulsion because of the zero tolerance policy. If he shows up there we’ll be waiting. And we’ve got officers searching for him, talking to the people who know him. I promise you we will find him and detain him for questioning.”

“You’re going to put him behind the biggest sharpest bars you have, right?” Alison blurted out. _With the meanest fucking inmates who hate sexual predators and are hung like horses._

“We’ll determine every course of action once we have him in custody. I can’t say for sure what it’ll be, but considering he’s already proving to be a flight risk I imagine we’ll hold him once we get him. In the meantime, I think it would be in your best interest to have one of my units on you until we’ve apprehended him.”

“That’s not really necessary…”

Before Alison could snipe at her and tell her it was abso-fucking-lutely necessary, the cop replied,

“According to your parents it is.”

Emily snapped her mouth closed. She wasn’t going to argue with that. She hadn’t spoken to her parents yet, but the police had. And she knew they were freaking out. The cop told her to hang in there and then ordered his team to get started on a thorough investigation.

They scraped Emily’s nails for traces of DNA, as well as Toby’s. Toby was fidgety around the cops, like a child in church. They took Emily’s clothes into evidence since they had traces of hers and Ben’s blood on them. The only reason they didn’t take Alison’s clothing too is because most of his blood was on her hands. The rest of it was Emily’s blood.

They had dispatch go out to sweep the locker room for pieces of evidence and sent a pair of their finest trackers to look for Ben. Alison got some satisfaction picturing him running through the woods with a K-9 officer on his trail ready to chomp down on his arm. She hoped he resisted and the dog ripped his throat out while the officers fired multiple rounds into his face.

Alison stayed with Emily while they waited on the doctor. She talked to her, trying to keep her alert and conscious. After a while, Emily quieted down. She was worn out. Alison could see her fading.

“You holding up okay?” Alison asked.

“For the most part I think.” Emily yawned. She was definitely more sluggish than usual. She ran her fingers over her bare wrist. It felt naked without the bracelet Alison gave her. “They took my bracelet for evidence.” Emily rubbed her bare skin with a frown.

“I’ll get you a new one.” Alison assured her.

Emily took Alison’s hand and smiled.

“How are you holding up?” Emily questioned.

_Pissed that he did this. Scared because you’re hurt. Sorry that it happened. Upset that you’re in pain. Guilty for not being with you, for not being able to stop it before he hurt you. Shocked that this could happen. Terrified that I could have lost you…that he could have stripped away that beautiful soul had I been seconds later._

“I’m okay.” She lied.

“Ali…” Emily could tell that she was holding back.

Alison took a shaky breath.

“It scared the hell out of me, Emily,” she admitted. “And I know I have no right to be afraid given that you’re the one he assaulted…”

“It would have scared me, too, if the roles were reversed.” Emily rubbed her thumb against Alison’s knuckles. “You’re allowed to feel things, too. My pain doesn’t lessen yours or make your feelings any less important.”

Alison wasn’t sure how to respond to that. No one had ever cared enough to validate her feelings, especially not in a situation like this. She felt a tickle in her throat and it slowly crept up into her nose until she felt the burning pain of tears stinging her eyes.

“You are the strongest person I’ve ever met,” Alison said softly. She brushed Emily’s cheeks with her fingers and pressed an innocent kiss on her forehead.

“I’m only as strong as those closest to me.” She squeezed Alison’s hand and smiled at her.

They heard the curtain being drawn and a doctor walked over towards them reading the chart in her hand.

“Emily Fields?” She questioned.

Emily scooted up against the back of the bed and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Hi, I’m Doctor Melissa Gold. So sorry for your wait.”

“It’s okay. It’s a hospital, not a fast food drive thru,” Emily replied.

The doctor chuckled and then glanced at Alison. She noticed the cut on her lip.

“And you must be Alison DiLaurentis.” She pulled out a separate file. “Are you the…” She glanced at the two of them holding hands. She sensed the intimacy, “…girlfriend?”

Alison felt her cheeks flush. That wasn’t exactly something either of them had talked about. They knew how they felt about each other, but their budding romance was still in its early stages.

“Oh, she’s…”

“Um…we’re…”

Emily and Alison spoke simultaneously. They both laughed nervously. The doctor lifted her brows in curiosity.

“Right.” Doctor Gold nodded. “Med School 101: never assume.” She walked over to Emily’s bed side. She glanced at her chart. Her face was hardened in concentration. After a few seconds she looked up. “Emily, I’m going to take a look at you first. Then we’ll check on your friend here.” She glanced at Alison. “Alison, you’re welcome to wait in the…”

“She stays.” Emily interrupted the doctor, gripping Alison’s hand tightly.

“Of course.” Doctor Gold didn’t argue. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

The doctor did her exam. Alison could tell that Emily didn’t like being touched. She knew it was irrational to get irritated at the doctor, but she didn’t like seeing Emily so tense. But Alison had no choice but to clench her jaw and watch the doctor work.

Doctor Gold told Emily she was ordering some tests just to be on the safe side, which Emily had expected, especially with a head injury.

It was a long day at the hospital for the three of them. Alison asked Emily if she wanted her to call anyone, but Emily didn’t want to cause a fuss, so she told her not to worry about it, though her actual words about calling Hanna were,

_“Don’t. She’ll flip her shit and go out looking for him so she can mow him down with her car or something.”_

Alison was tempted to call Hanna after hearing that. Really fucking tempted.

Toby’s exam took the least amount of time. He was told to take some anti-inflammatories for his knuckles and bruised ribs and ice his hands. Alison’s didn’t take much longer. They X-rayed her wrist to look for breaks, though technically that hadn’t happened in the altercation with Ben. The X-ray was normal, so they cleaned up her busted lip and gave her an anti-inflammatory to help with the stiffness she was sure to feel the next few days.

Emily’s stay was a little more extensive because of the assault. Since she had a head injury and since she’d vomited several times they were worried about a concussion and bruising, so they did a CT scan to check for brain swelling and bleeding. They cleaned her head wound up and then checked her shoulder and elbow for breaks, but didn’t find any. They gave her some pain medication while they waited on the results of the CT.

Toby went to her house to get her a change of clothes while Alison stayed with her. The only time she stepped out was when they heard Emily’s phone ring and they knew it was her mother.

“This isn’t going to be pretty.” Emily cringed as Alison handed her the phone. “Save yourself.”

“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. I don’t mind being a buffer.”

“No, it’s okay. Go grab some coffee and something to eat for yourself. I know you haven’t had anything all day. You need to take care of yourself.” Emily rubbed the top of her hand, her fingers brushing her knuckles.

She could feel little abrasions on her thin skin, probably from fighting Ben. Alison flipped her hand over so Emily wouldn’t fret over it. She cupped her palm against Emily’s.

“Stop worrying.” Alison ordered. “Do you want anything?”

“I would if I thought I could keep it down right now. Maybe just some herbal tea?”

“You got it.” Alison nodded, walking towards the door.

Alison walked around the corner just as the doctor was approaching Emily’s room from the opposite direction.

Emily listened to the sound of Alison’s disappearing footsteps. She sighed and answered the phone. Just as she expected, her parents were freaking out. The doctor had been in contact with them about everything. Emily basically let them rant about the questions that the doctors didn’t have the answers to.

Pam was beside herself. Ben was a nice churchgoing boy with a good family, or at least outward appearances seemed that way. Like most of the kids in town, he was a good actor. So it was a shock that he’d do this. Wayne was ready to hire some of his military buddies to track the kid down and “have a chat” with him. A chat that would end up much worse than Toby’s “chat” with the boy.

The doctor came in with her test results just as she had successfully calmed them both down. She all but handed the physician the phone and let her do the rest of the talking. Emily was exhausted, and she didn’t have it in her to settle their minds.

Down in the cafeteria, Alison’s phone chimed. She had been texting Cece and Sara, explaining the situation and asking if either of them knew where Ben might go to lay low. Sara told her she didn’t know. Cece’s response was a little more aggressive.

 _“Wherever he is I hope he’s suffering. I hope Toby broke his nose. No…his whole face. And his sorry excuse for a dick.”_ She sent a range of angry emojis followed by, _“God, that little fucking shit. I wish I knew where he was just so I could hire some of my dad’s old crew to really rip him a new one and then make him disappear…permanently.”_

Alison walked towards the elevator with Emily’s tea. She typed back a response.

_“I am so pissed. I still can’t believe he did this. I want to kill him, Cece. I really do.”_

Eight angry-faced emojis didn’t seem like enough to sell how angry she was. She added three bombs going off and a skeleton head to emphasize her aggression. Alison kept typing away,

_“I mean, I know I’m kind of a bitch and I can get a bit extra sometimes, but this is on a whole new level. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel like I could actually murder him and not feel a thing. When I got there and saw his hand against her neck and his dick out…I swear…I was going to bash his brains in with that bat. I would have. I had no plans to stop until his body was on the ground.”_

_“No doubt. Is she going to be okay?”_

_“Still waiting on the doctor. On my way back to her room now.”_

There was a pause, a lull in the conversation, then,

_“Ali, are YOU okay?”_

_“A little shaky. I’ll be sore tomorrow, but yeah, I’m fine.”_

_“Not physically. You need to take care of yourself, too. That’s…Jesus, I mean, that’s a lot for anyone to try and process, and I KNOW you. Just take a few deep breaths and don’t do anything you’re going to regret.”_

Like throwing fireworks into a garage and injuring three people. Like getting nitwit boys arrested for streaking and then exacerbating the situation. Her taste for vengeance really had a way of coming back around, but not to her…to the people she cared about. She knew Cece was right. She had to chill. She felt a little bit better now that she had a little food in her stomach.

_“Emily made me go get something to eat and drink and take a walk.”_

_“Good for Americano. I really like her for you, Alison. She sounds like a keeper.”_

_“She is.”_ Emily was her everything, her happy ending, her life. The Pip to her Estella. _“She’s my always.”_

_“Well, dear, by that extension she’s family to me, too. So if you want some underground connections to take care of Ben you just say the word.”_

By the time Alison got back the doctor was gone. But Emily wasn’t alone in the room. Toby had come back with a change of clothes. He was sitting in the chair next to Emily’s bed. Alison heard the tail end of a conversation they were having. She listened for a few seconds. She didn’t want to just burst in and interrupt them.

“Would you please just listen to them? If they want you to stay you should stay,” Toby said. “I’ll stay with you if you want.”

“No. I want to go home.” She sounded uncomfortable, like just being in the hospital room was making her anxiety worse. It made Alison’s heart ache to hear it. “Everyone is overreacting. I’m okay. It’s not like this is the first time…”

Alison’s eyes narrowed. The first time for _what_? Of being in a hospital bed? Of being attacked? Or was it something else entirely? Maybe Alison was reading too much into it.

“This isn’t anything like that.” He traced his fingers near the laceration on the back of her head. “I don’t think you realize how bad it is.”

“I can feel it, Toby. I know how bad it is.” She argued. “But I’m not going to get any rest in this hospital bed. I’ll be too anxious.”

“There’s nothing to be anxious about.”

“Says you.” Emily bit back. “I don’t do well in these kinds of settings. You know that.”

“You’re safe here, Emily. You’ve got the cops in the waiting room…”

“The commanding officer said they’ll park outside wherever I go.”

“Look, just…stay the rest of the day and then see how you feel.” Toby pleaded. He glanced at the clock. “That’s only five hours or so. Then if you’re feeling better I won’t say another word about you staying the night here. I’ll drive you home myself.”

Emily huffed, but then she nodded in agreement. The room got quiet and that’s when Alison made her entrance with Emily’s tea.

“Hey, what did I miss?” She asked, walking over to the opposite side of the bed of where Toby was sitting.

“I have a concussion,” Emily said.

Alison’s anger immediately returned.

_I’m going to concuss Ben’s head. I’m going to concuss it many times. While conCUSSing his bitch ass out._

She seriously mulled over Cece’s offer. She knew the girl was being serious. Her family did things in the dark. Alison didn’t doubt they could find Ben and make him pay.

“There was a little bit of swelling…”

“A _significant amount_.” Toby corrected her, biting through his teeth, pissed that she was downplaying her head injury.

“The important thing is that there is no bleeding.” Emily’s tone was calm, but it also had a strange wave of authority in it. “The doctor just wants me to take it easy for the next 24 to 48 hours.”

“No, what she said is they wanted to _monitor_ you for the next 24 to 48 hours.” Toby corrected her.

“Well, I can _monitor_ myself at home.” Emily bit back.

“Fine.” Toby reluctantly backed down. It’s not like he could hold her down and force her to stay. “I’ll go let the doctors know what stupid-ass option you decided on, because letting the girl with the brain injury make major medical decisions is _such_ a good idea.”

He walked out of the room, his gait showcasing his pissy attitude about her choice.

“What was that all about?” Alison sat against the edge of Emily’s bed.

“My family thinks I’m a fucking china doll is what it’s about.”

Alison was a little alarmed to hear her hostility towards her family, though she understood why she was frustrated. But she could also see things from her family’s perspective, because a few hours ago she’d seen Emily lying against the locker room floor, shivering and disoriented. She’d had Emily’s blood on her hands. It’s not like she had just taken a little tumble. She’d been really roughed up. She thought about Emily’s hidden scars. Now she had more. And it was so unfair.

Alison’s silence intrigued Emily. Everyone in her life was trying to tell her what to do right now, but Alison DiLaurentis, who was the _queen_ of bossing other people around was utterly quiet.

“Ali, are you sure you’re okay?” Emily asked, drawing Alison out of her thoughts. She reached out in search of Alison’s hand.

Alison smiled at her touch. It softened her. Emily softened her. But at the same time Emily gave her this inner strength she’d never really had before. She had never been more mixed up in her life. The heightened feelings of worrying and her hatred and rage at the situation coupled with the guilt she felt for not getting there sooner was really making her head spin.

“I’m fine.” Alison replied, her voice coming out as barely recognizable. “Wrist got a clean bill of health. And the little bitch slap Ben got in before he knocked me off of him barely left a mark.”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.” Emily replied. She rubbed Alison’s hand gently. “You’ve been through a lot, too.” She echoed Cece’s sentiment about taking care of herself.

“I’m not the one with the concussion.”

“It’s no big deal.” Emily shrugged.

“It’s not just a little bump on the head, Em. It’s a concussion we’re talking about here.”

“Plenty of football players deal with concussions all the time. And they go about their daily business as usual.”

“To be fair, most football players end up losing all the elementary math and reading skills they have stored in their brain, so I get why Toby and your parents are worried.”

“Yes, well, I still know that two plus two equals potato, so I think I’m okay here.”

Alison chuckled softly. Her smile faded and she thought about something.

“That was a joke, right?”

“Yes.” Emily smiled. “That was a joke.”

“Good, because I’m going to quiz you later.”

“Am I allowed to use a calculator?”

“Fingers and toes only.” Alison played with her fingers.

She stared at Emily’s hands. She’d never stopped to appreciate how long and delicate her fingers were. They were soft, but firm. Kind of like Emily herself. She had a tenderness to her, but at the same time she wasn’t someone you wanted to mess with.

Alison had forgotten about killing Ben, forgotten about the fact that she was in the hospital. She stared at their linked hands, neither girl pulling away. She sat with her quietly for a few minutes.

Emily shuffled in her bed, clasping Alison’s hand.

“Thank you.” Emily smiled. “For staying with me.”

It was the same damn smile that had captured Alison’s heart at the park and it just encapsulated every part of her soul when she saw it again. She had to stop herself from kissing her. She’d been doing that a lot lately. The desire they had for one another was strong. But their childish stubbornness was stronger. Plus, timing was everything. Alison wanted it to be perfect. Emily deserved nothing less.

“Nothing in the world could keep me away from you right now.” Alison assured her.

“Not even a sale at Saks?” Emily questioned with a soft smile.

“Please.” Alison laughed. “I wouldn’t bail on you for anything less than Nordstrom.” Alison squeezed her hand. “I’ll stay for as long as you need.”

Emily smiled and rubbed Alison’s hand. Alison could feel the tension in her fingertips. It’s like she was buzzing beneath the surface. She didn’t like it.

“You really hate hospitals, huh?” Alison glanced around the room. She hadn’t been in a hospital in years.

Emily took a stuffy breath through her nose, still feeling dizzy from everything that had happened. And nervous about being in the hospital. Alison saw right through her. She could lie about a lot, but her aversion to hospitals wasn’t one of them.

“Brings back bad memories.” Emily nodded.

Alison couldn’t stop thinking about what Emily had said to Toby about how she’d been injured in a similar way before. She didn’t want to come right out and tell her she’d overheard her conversation with Toby, but she was curious. Her eyes darted to the scar on her inner arm near her collar bone. She thought about the scar on the back of her neck.

“Emily, have you been hurt like this before?” She glanced at her eyes and then added with a stutter, “I…I mean…other than…” She reached out and rubbed her thumb underneath Emily’s right eye. “…is that why you don’t like hospitals?”

She saw something, a twitch, a glimmer of a memory that Emily clearly wasn’t fond of. It had to be Maya. That was the only thing Alison saw Emily get twitchy about. There was a thoughtful pause before Emily answered.

“No.” But also, yes. It was a complicated answer. She rubbed her temple. Her head felt like it was being split in two. “No. I mean, yeah, I’ve been in the hospital before,” she cringed, “but it wasn’t…”

Her palm subconsciously moved from her temple to the back of her neck. Her fingers traced the scar there. There was a distant look on her face. A look that told Alison exactly what she was thinking about, _who_ she was thinking about. Maya.

“…I was…it was…I dunno.”

“Does it have something to do with what happened to Maya?”

She felt Emily stiffen underneath her touch, and she regretted opening her big mouth. What was she thinking? Bringing up one of the worst things to happen to Emily on the same day something equally as awful had happened to her?

 _Nice one, moron._ She berated herself in thought. _If a dipshit and an idiot gave birth it would be to you, Alison “Dipshidiot” DiLaurentis._

“Sorry. That was shitty of me to ask…”

“No, it’s okay.” Emily interrupted her. She couldn’t be mad at Alison for being curious. She hadn’t told her much about Maya. “Actually, if she was here she’d probably tell me not to be such a chicken-shit about staying.” She smiled, but she had a pained expression on her face. “But don’t tell Toby that. He’ll use it against me and guilt me in to making a night out of it here.” She laughed softly, though Alison could see that she was still physically, and probably emotionally, uncomfortable. “Maya was…” She got lost in thought, “…she didn’t hold back in any aspect of life. She taught me to be fearless.”

So Alison had Maya to thank for her cliff-diving no-holds-barred head-strong mermaid. Then again Emily had always had that determination. She’d had it when she’d jumped in the pool when they were five.

“You were always fearless. I remember that little girl who rescued me from drowning all those years ago.” She moved Emily’s hand slightly up and down with a smile, massaging it, her eyes watching the movement of her fingers.

“You’re exaggerating.” Emily replied with a bashful look on her face.

“No. No, you saved my life that day.” Alison chuckled.

“Well, you paid that back in full today.” Emily smiled at her.

“I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done.” Alison shrugged. “It’s what we do.” She rubbed Emily’s arm. “So, my fearless warrior, what’s the deal with you and hospitals? How do I help you here?”

“You being here is all the help I need.” Emily admitted. “I don’t exactly have great memories when it comes to these places.” She took a calming breath. “I hated them long before…” She trailed off, having difficulty thinking because of her headache, “When Maya died, I…” She chewed on her lip, “…I did not react well.”

 _Who would?_ Alison knew she’d be devastated if she’d lost someone she loved.

“I was disconnected and distant. I pulled away from everyone I loved.”

She looked like she wanted to say more, but she clenched her jaw and squeezed her eyes shut, the pressure from her head injury causing her some discomfort. For a few seconds she lost her train of thought. Was this how she really wanted to tell Alison the truth about Maya and her brother and what had happened in Baltimore? When she was drugged up and in the hospital? The situation was complicated. And it involved more than just her. She wasn’t sure how to explain it, especially since she wasn’t coherent.

“I was…reckless…” She paused, her words still lost on her. “I…uh…”

She reached up and rubbed her eyes, trying to consider how to tip-toe around the truth while still being truthful. Though she knew that omissions were basically little white lies. But what would Alison think if she knew the truth?

It didn’t help that she couldn’t find the right words, the words she wanted to say. She felt like someone had taken a shredded dictionary and just poured the contents of it into her brain all mixed up.

Alison could tell she was struggling to concentrate, that she was exhausted and fatigued and fighting to stay awake just to talk to her. Before she could say anything, Emily had opened her mouth and continued,

“I just didn’t do well. For a lot of reasons. And my mom overreacted about some things.” She paused in thought, considering. “Or maybe she didn’t. I still don’t know. It’s hard to see it from a different perspective when you’re _that_ lost.” And she had been beyond lost. There had been so much happening that she’d gotten completely overwhelmed. “When someone dies it’s like…you lose track of all reality. Of the days, the time. Until one day you just wake up.” She laid her hand back against the mattress. “And when I did I was in a hospital bed. It shouldn’t have been as big of a deal as it was. I’d been in the hospital before. Just never in that capacity. It felt different, like I was…like there was something wrong with me. It made me feel so…small.” Her face tightened. “I’m sorry. I’m not making any sense, am I?” She rubbed her right eye. “Nothing I’m saying sounds right. It’s all just…jumbled. And I don’t feel like I’m describing it right.”

“It’s okay,” Alison said softly. “I get it.”

“I’ve just never been a fan of hospitals. I’ve had this thing about them since I was six. But after Maya died, and then when I lost my sight it just kind of escalated.” Emily’s lips twitched. Her cheeks reddened, like she was embarrassed. “Anyway, it’s a stupid fear.”

“It’s not stupid, Em. Nobody likes hospitals. I’m kind of afraid of them, too.” Alison tried to reassure her. “I remember we had to come here once after my dad slipped on the ice and busted his head open. He was drunk and had just gotten into a fight with mom. And he’d made this big show out of storming out. But the idiot didn’t take in to account that there was three inches of ice on the ground outside. Mom couldn’t leave us home alone, so she brought us here.”

She peered at the picture on the wall. All the pictures in hospitals always looked the same. There had been a similar one in the waiting room all those years ago.

“I was around four. Mom was too preoccupied bitching at dad for being a dumbass to look after me. She didn’t even realize I was scared. It was Jason who finally snapped me out of it. He took me to the cafeteria to get some French fries.”

“French fries?” Emily faked a gasp. “But what about the carbs?”

“Shut up.” Alison lightly shoved her arm with a joking laugh. “I was four. And French fries were like…they were a treat for me, because my mother kept me away from greasy foods and carbs because she was afraid they would make me fat and she just couldn’t stand that.” Alison rolled her eyes. “But she wasn’t around. So Jason used his allowance to buy this _huge_ tray filled with nothing but fries. He held my hand as we walked to the table to eat and he told me that this wasn’t a place to be afraid of. He said that people got better here.”

Emily smiled. Hearing that Jason had her back when they were growing up was strangely comforting to her. And having Alison here for her now helped put her mind at ease.

“It sounds like your brother is pretty smart.”

“Well, not entirely. We both ate so many fries we ended up puking that night.”

Emily chuckled, but then cringed when she felt her injuries when she moved. But for half a second Alison had made her forget where they were and why they were there.

“Hey, take it easy.” Alison reached out to touch her cheek, hesitating because of everything she’d been through. But after a moment of doubt she gently stroked Emily’s jaw line.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. I know I have a lot of people in my corner, but I’m glad I have you,” Emily looked towards Alison, her eyes somehow finding Alison’s eyes. “I don’t know if I could handle my parents right now.”

“Speaking of, how’d it go with them?” Alison asked.

“They’re snowed in.” Emily replied. “It’s why they’re freaking out. Mom is working on trying to find a flight out. Dad wanted to rent a truck with 4-wheel drive and chain a big piece of plywood to the front and plow the roads so they could get back here sooner. And I don’t doubt that he’d do it.”

They both laughed. Emily’s smile slowly faded. Alison could tell that she was exhausted and in pain. And it pissed her off, because she couldn’t fix it.

“They want me to stay here, but the thought of staying overnight makes me sick to my stomach. And I don’t want to stay with Toby and my Aunt Marion either. I don’t want them incessantly poking me with a stick to make sure I’m not dead. I just…I want to go home. But every time I think about it I realize he’s still out there, and I know the cops will be watching me, but…um…” Her voice softened quietly, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“You won’t. You won’t be alone,” Alison assured her. _Never again._

Emily had watched over her last night. She’d kept her safe. She’d given her the security she needed. There was no way in hell that she was letting Emily go through this alone. She’d stand guard on Emily’s porch with a shotgun if she had to. She didn’t have a shotgun and had no idea where she’d get one, but she would. She would do anything for Emily Fields.

“If you want to go home I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t mind? I mean, you’ve already spent the entire day in the hospital with me.”

Alison softly put her hand on top of Emily’s, careful to be slow with her motions. She wanted to tell her that she would spend all the time in the world with her, no matter where they were.

“Are you kidding me?” Alison said. “Emily, last night you did more for me than anyone in my entire life ever has.” She’d saved her from Noel. She’d kept her safe. She’d coddled her drunken ass. “Whatever you need, I’m there.”

And she meant it. She meant it more than she’d ever meant anything in her entire life. She’d said the words before to other people, but it had always been an empty promise. But not with Emily.

Emily scooted up against the bed, the motion causing some discomfort in her arm. She tried to hide it, but she failed. Alison instinctively reached out to touch her cheek and Emily responded by automatically leaning into her touch. She looked so tired. Alison didn’t like to see her in pain, so she practically tackled a nurse and had her get a doctor to get something to make Emily more comfortable.

Emily was mentally in and out the rest of the afternoon, but she made it explicitly clear that she wasn’t staying the night in the hospital. Alison stayed with Emily while Toby spoke to the doctor at length about follow up care.

By the time Alison and Toby got her into the car she was completely out of it. The events of the day and the pain medications she’d gotten had wiped her out. Alison crawled in the back seat with her. Emily laid her head against Alison’s shoulder, her eyes closed. She fell asleep almost instantly.

The patrol unit assigned to Emily followed them at a close distance, but Alison and Toby barely even realized he was there. They had their own way of watching over Emily.

The ride back to Emily’s place was awkward and quiet. Alison saw Toby’s eyes flash to his rearview mirror several times checking on his cousin. On his third…or maybe it was his fourth check-in Alison accidentally made eye contact with him. He held her gaze for a few seconds before glancing back at the road.

“She’s okay,” Alison said quietly. “She’s still sleeping.”

The car got quiet again for a few seconds, but then Toby looked back at her.

“Thank you.” He glanced at Alison’s reflection.

Alison’s body stiffened in shock.

“If you hadn’t showed up when you did…if you hadn’t gotten there…” He trailed off, not daring to think about what would have happened to his cousin.

Ben was seconds away from going through with the assault, and Toby was outside listening to loud music. The only reason he had taken his earbuds out was because Alison had waved and shouted at him. Had he not heard her cries…

He shook his head and swallowed hard. He dreaded to think how much worse it would have been had they gotten there just moments later…or not at all.

“As it is he still traumatized her.” Alison started grinding her teeth together. She gently brushed her index finger behind Emily’s ear to tuck a stray strand of hair in place. He’d put his hands on her. He’d violated her. “He _hurt_ her.”

Murder would be too kind for that boy. If she saw him again she would torture, _maim_ him for laying his hands on her precious angel. She could feel the anger heating up her face.

“And he’ll pay for that, believe me. But it could have been worse. _So_ much worse.” He looked at his sleeping cousin, then glanced at Alison. “She’s tough.” In fact, Emily was probably the strongest person he knew. Yet, he also knew things about his cousin that no one else did. Secrets. Vulnerabilities. Insecurities. He’d seen her at her weakest. “But she’s also very vulnerable.”

It was a good thing that Emily was out cold otherwise she would have cold-cocked him for suggesting it.

“Not in the typical sense. The girl can hold her own, believe me.” He added with a soft laugh that told Alison that Emily had kicked Toby’s ass more than once growing up. “But she’s…she has…um…” He hesitated and then sighed. He was trying to find a way to put it into words. “She just puts on a really strong front. And it’s easy for her to get lost behind it without people around her knowing.”

“I know.” Alison traced a nonsensical pattern along Emily’s arm. She glanced at the bandage where the IV catheter had been. “I didn’t realize she had such a phobia about hospitals.”

“I don’t know if it’s a fear of them as much as it is the uncertainty and scary things that happen _in_ them. She’s hated them since we were little,” he said. “It’s like she could sense the bad things that happened in them. She was always a perceptive little thing.”

Of course she was intuitive even before she lost her sight.

“Not much can shake her,” he said, glancing back at the girls. “But hospitals freak her out, and it only got worse after…” He almost slipped up, _almost_. He clammed up.

“After Maya?” Alison guessed.

There was a beat before Toby answered,

“She told you?”

“Her heart is still healing.” Alison knew it. She could feel it. “She must have loved her very much.”

“Emily loves with everything she has.” Toby nodded.

There was no doubt in her mind about that. Alison wrapped her arm around Emily. Emily automatically pushed herself closer to Alison’s body. Her fingers gripped Alison’s arm.

Toby saw the motion. He still didn’t like it, but he wasn’t going to keep them apart. Instead, he did what any cousin…or big brother, would do.

“Promise me you won’t hurt her.” He glanced at Alison.

“I swear on my life, Toby. As long as she’s with me I will never let anything happen to her.”

He believed the blonde when she said that. He could see the way she looked at his cousin.

Toby nodded, his lips and brow tight in thought. It was a look that reminded Alison that Toby had a far more extensive history with Emily than she had with her. There were things Toby knew that Alison didn’t know. The way he’d reacted today had told her a lot about Toby’s character. A lot more than she’d ever bothered to find out. She saw a glimpse beneath the surface.

She saw him reach forward and rub the scarred burn on his arm. He glanced back at her again. Did he know the truth? Was that the real reason he didn’t approve of her getting close to Emily? Or was Spencer right? Was it the _years_ of mental abuse she’d put him and _everyone_ at school through? Either way, an apology was long overdue.

“I’m sorry,” Alison said quietly.

“What?” Toby glanced in the rearview mirror, not quite sure he’d heard her right.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you and Jenna after she hauled Jason’s name through the mud. And for just being an asshole _before_ their break up. I was a psycho, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re…” He heard her, but he wasn’t computing. “Huh?”

“ _Sor-ry_.” She emphasized the word. “Look, I know I’ve fucked up in the past. I’m trying to be better.” She glanced at Emily. _She makes me better._ Emily had her heart. Emily _was_ her heart. “So I apologize.”

There was an uncomfortable pause before Toby looked back at Alison again with a peculiar look on his face.

“How hard did Ben hit you?” Toby asked.

Alison laughed and she saw Toby smile.

“Not nearly as hard as you pulverized him.” Alison replied. “Thank you for that, by the way.”

When Toby had rushed in he hadn’t just come to Emily’s defense. He’d been livid about Ben hitting Alison, too. He didn’t care who the girl was, he’d been taught that it was _never_ okay to strike a girl.

“Well, despite the picture you have of me painted in your head I’m not a bad guy,” he said.

“I figured.” Alison nodded. “If my cousin likes you then I…” She immediately stopped talking.

_Shiiiiit. Fuck._

She’d just outed Spencer’s crush on him. She saw an amused smile on his face in his reflection.

“Spencer likes me?”

_She’s going to kill me. She’s going to bash my head in with her field hockey stick and bury me on the field. I will be eternally stuck in the afterlife being trampled by every heavy-footed center to ever go to Rosewood High._

An angry Spencer Hastings was one of the very few things in the world that Alison was afraid of. For a second Alison thought about trying to make up a fake cousin and pretend it wasn’t Spencer. But she knew better.

“Don’t tell her I said anything.” Alison said, her typical threatening tone seeping into her voice.

“You know, she told me you came to my defense at Noel’s Halloween party.”

Alison felt her cheeks get hot. She didn’t know if she wanted word to spread about the good things she did, because it seemed that everything good she did came back to bite her in the ass with something bad.

“Yeah, well he was being a dick,” she muttered.

She didn’t say anything else. She didn’t know what to say. This was new territory for her. Toby noticed her silence. He didn’t pressure her. He pulled into Emily’s driveway and slowed the car to a stop. The police car pulled up to the curb, ready to settle in there for the night.

“Maybe the picture I’ve painted in my head of you is wrong as well.” Toby shrugged as he put the car in park.

“Em?” Alison gently moved Emily’s body to try and wake her. “You’re home.”

She mumbled out a tired response, her eyes halfway open. Toby opened the back door and helped Alison get her out of the car. They walked inside, Emily still somewhat out of it, just letting Alison and Toby lead the way. Ace greeted them at the door.

They walked over to the couch and Emily felt around for the arm of it before she sat down. Her head was pounding. Toby pulled the meds they’d gotten at the hospital out of his pocket and looked at Alison as he put them down on the table.

“She’ll need these again at about 4.” He looked at the clock. “Which works, because the doctor wants her to wake up every four hours just to make sure she’s cognizant.”

It was almost ten after midnight. Their long hellish weekend was over. It was the start of a new week.

_Happy fucking Monday._

“And if she’s not?” Alison dreaded to think about it.

“The doctor thinks she’ll be okay, but if you feel uncomfortable about how she’s doing don’t hesitate to wave down Officer Calderon and call 911.”

“Okay.”

“She’s probably better off staying in the living room because the bathroom is right down the hall. And if she wakes up disoriented there’s nothing for her to really trip over. Plus you’ve got a cop right outside if anything goes wrong. She has a spare walking stick in the hall closet.” He pointed, walking over to open the door.

He pulled another cane out along with a few pillows and some blankets. He put Emily’s cane down next to the couch, within Emily’s reach. He glanced down at Ace, who was by Emily’s side.

“Ace has been fed and walked,” Toby said. “He’s got to maintain a set schedule. So if for some reason she’s still not coming around tomorrow morning you’ll need to feed him and walk him around 7.”

“Got it.” Alison nodded.

“I’ll be by to take over for you in the morning so you won’t miss school…”

“Oh, I’m not going to school.” Alison interrupted him.

She wasn’t going anywhere. Not until Emily felt safe. Not until Ben was caught. She was not leaving her. And even after all that, she wasn’t ever going to let her out of her sight again.

Toby saw the resolve in her eyes and he didn’t fight it. He pulled Emily’s phone out of his back pocket. They’d found it at the gym. It had been cracked in the altercation. Toby looked at his cousin and sighed.

“Thank you for offering to stay with her.” He knew it meant more to Emily than she could ever put into words. And it meant a lot to him, too.

“Of course.”

“Call me if you need anything,” Toby said. He kneeled down in front of Emily. She seemed halfway lucid. “Em, your mom and dad are going to be home tomorrow night. Officer Calderon is right outside, and Alison is going to stay with you tonight, but if you need anything just give me a shout.”

Emily mumbled something that sounded like _“okay”_ and then leaned back against the couch. Toby gave Alison one last look before he walked towards the door. Something told her that he wasn’t going home after this. She could see a spark of anger in his eyes. He was going to hunt down Ben Coogan. The boy had the entire police force after him, but God help him if Toby Cavanaugh found him first.

“Toby…” She called out after him. “If you do find him punch him a few times for me, too.”

He nodded and then walked out.

Alison took her coat off. She started making up the couch for Emily. Emily felt Alison’s fingers brush over her arm when she reached for a throwover that was on the back of the sofa.

“Ali, are you staying the night with me?” Emily yawned, still loopy from her meds.

Her head was pounding, her arm felt like it was on fire, and she could still feel that creep’s fingers on her body. She flinched. Alison saw her twitching uncomfortably.

 _Can I stay forever?_ Alison thought as she sat down next to Emily, moving her to put a pillow behind her shoulders.

“Of course.” She put her hands on top of Emily’s to try and help control the shaking.

Emily clearly didn’t remember the conversation they’d had at the hospital. It was probably a combination of the meds and the head injury. The doctor mentioned she might be a little disoriented and confused.

“Mmm.” Emily nodded in approval.

Her eyes fluttered closed again. Alison gently pulled her legs on to the couch so she could straighten the socks on her feet. The pajama bottoms that Toby had brought her in the hospital were twisted, exposing a portion of her hip bone. Alison went to straighten the pants, but she felt Emily jump and recoil, her hands curling up against her body. Alison immediately pulled away.

“I’m sorry, Em. It’s just me.” Alison put her fingers on top of Emily’s arms. Emily breathed a sigh of relief. “Can I fix your pajamas?”

“I’d rather you take them off entirely,” Emily said under her breath.

There was a beat of silence and then Alison stared at her in surprise. _That_ wasn’t a side effect of the meds.

“What?”

But Emily had drifted off again. Alison left her clothes alone, not wanting to spark any negative memories. She carefully moved Emily’s legs so they were over the top of her lap. She gently massaged her feet until Emily’s breathing was smooth and calm. She tucked the throwover around Emily’s body. She leaned back and yawned. Then she started drifting off to sleep.


	15. Eyes Wide Open

* * *

  **Chapter 15:**

**Eyes Wide Open**

It was around 2 AM when Emily awoke with a startled gasp. Alison felt the couch move and she immediately pushed up on her knees and leaned over Emily. In the dim light of the room she could see Emily moving around on the sofa, her hands out beside her like she was looking for something to steady her. Her face was red and gleaming with sweat. Her eyes were darting all over the room.

“Ali?” Emily whispered, like she was afraid someone else was in the room, like she might wake someone who wasn’t even there.

“Right here.” Alison moved closer, careful to make sure she didn’t touch her until she knew she was completely awake.

She saw a shadow move in the soft light and Ace was sitting in front of Emily seconds later, waiting to see what she needed. Alison really liked the mutt. He was a good boy.

“What do you need?” Alison asked.

“Nothing.” Emily inhaled a heavy breath through her nose. “I just…” Her hands were shaking.

Alison put her hands on Emily’s forearms to steady her and that seemed to help some of her nerves. Emily looked in Alison’s direction. In the darkness Alison could see her eyes, large and dilated. It was a rarity that she got to see her eyes, so she appreciated every second they were in her sight. But right now looking into them was breaking her heart.

“Bad dream?” Alison guessed. Even a shitty sleuth detective could have come up with that deduction.

“Yeah. It’s…” She gnashed her teeth together. “I can actually see it when I’m dreaming. It was bad enough to feel it happening, but…” She trailed off.

“I’m sorry.” It was all Alison knew to say. Other than _“I’m going to murder the motherfucker”_. “Is there…um…can I do something to help?”

“No,” she said, her tone and breathing both calm. Calmer than Alison was expecting. “I just have to ride my bad dreams out. I’ve had them since I was a kid.”

It upset Alison to hear it. Because this wasn’t just a bad dream. It was an actual living hell brought to life. All she wanted to do was make it better. She wanted to fix it. But she couldn’t. Because in truth, she knew kind of how Emily felt, to a lesser extent. Noel hadn’t actually attacked her at the party, though Alison wondered if it had just been the two of them if she would have ended up experiencing something similar. The only reason that didn’t happen was because Emily had been there for her. Alison hated herself for not getting there before Ben attacked Emily.

“Alison?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re here.” She moved closer to Alison’s body, molding her shape into Alison’s figure.

It made Alison shiver. Emily turned to face her, leaving very little space between them.

 _I wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world._ She reached out for Emily’s hand, but stopped when she realized that Emily was probably still sensitive to being touched.

She took a thoughtful pause and then licked her lips anxiously.

“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” Alison asked.

Her fingers were hovering over Emily’s hand. She wanted to grab her and never let go. Alison’s eyes flickered towards Emily’s lips, ghosting over hers. It was a feeling that Emily picked up on.

Emily didn’t respond with words. Instead, she reached out and took Alison’s hand. Something came over the brunette. She wasn’t sure if it was the meds or the lingering effects of the assault. Was it desire? A need for control? Or something else entirely?

Emily couldn’t quite place her feelings, but she knew she felt _something._ She reached up, her hand searching for Alison’s face. When she found it she laid her palm against her cheek. She felt Alison exhale a shocked heated breath against her lips.

The flickering memory of Alison pulling away from her at the kissing rock flashed through Emily’s thoughts, and though Alison wasn’t pulling away now she still stopped herself long enough to ask.

“Can I?” Emily’s lips hovered over Alison’s.

Alison blinked in surprise. Her lips fell open to answer, but she was so hypnotized by Emily’s eyes that she couldn’t say a word. Was this really happening? She licked her lips again, nodding silently, knowing that Emily would feel her head movement underneath her palm.

Emily pushed her lips against Alison’s. Alison reciprocated immediately. Their mouths melded together as they both leaned into it. The kiss felt right. It felt natural, like they belonged, like they were two halves of a whole. And the deeper they fell into it the more Emily realized it wasn’t just the drive for control that had spawned her to take this chance.

She’d been burying her feelings for Alison since the moment they’d met. She’d been convinced that it couldn’t work, that it wouldn’t be fair to Alison. But when Alison had kissed her at the kissing rock she’d let her guard down. She’d never felt anything as strong as the pull she’d felt that day. And she knew in that instant…she knew she was in love.

When Alison had pulled away it had thrown Emily for a loop, but that didn’t mean her feelings had gone away. She wanted her, _needed_ her, like she’d never needed anything else. She’d done her best to stay within friendly territory with Alison, but they shared so much with their touch that it was hard for her to push that love away. Because Emily didn’t experience love through just one sense. It wasn’t about what she saw. It was about the touches. The connections. The feelings.

Being attacked had opened up something inside of her that she’d forgotten. Life was too short. Love should never wait. She was lucky to be alive. She’d been given a second chance, and she didn’t want to waste it.

Emily pushed forward, her other hand landing underneath Alison’s clothes on her hip as she encouraged her to lie back against the sofa. Her fingers gently gripped Alison’s bare thigh. Her touch made Alison quiver and whimper into her mouth. She was putty in the girl’s hands. Emily’s fingertips gently stroked Alison’s face as the kiss intensified.

Alison could see Emily’s pupils in the dim light of the living room. They were large and dark, and Alison had no idea if it was from the lust or the concussion. Either way, she didn’t care, because… _God,_ they were gorgeous.

She softly nibbled Emily’s upper lip and smirked when she saw a bright flush of color rise into Emily’s cheeks. She maneuvered their motions carefully around her bruised cheekbone, keeping their faces at just the right distance where their lips could battle for dominance without hitting the bruises.

She felt Emily’s tongue graze her lips and Alison played with her for a few seconds, keeping her mouth closed, a huge smirk on her face. She felt Emily squeeze her thigh again and she purred out a sigh of pleasure, finally granting Emily’s tongue access.

Emily’s mouth felt hot against hers. She rolled her tongue over the brunette’s and playfully tried to hold it down. Emily wasn’t bothered at all, and easily had control of the kiss again seconds later. Her velvety lips moved in the rhythm of a perfect dance. It was like a melody that only Alison knew the notes to. The strategic beats, the rising crescendo.

Alison smiled. Emily was a really fucking good kisser, and Alison was pretty sure she knew it, because there was an air of confidence to it, like she knew exactly what her kisses were doing to the blonde. She could feel Emily’s love for her pumping throughout the blood in her veins, and her own affection was returned in the way her heart thumped wildly against her chest.

Alison could feel Emily’s chest heaving against hers, could feel her body heat through their clothing. Emily could taste Alison’s cherry lip balm and it sent a flood of warmth through her. She moved her hand delicately against Alison’s cheek. She could still feel traces of her soft baby fat. The lines of her face were smooth and even and had a texture not unlike warm silk that had just come out of the dryer. She could feel the heat that had rushed to her cheeks.

Alison moaned softly into her mouth again, moving her palm up to the back of Emily’s neck to pull her closer. When Emily’s body was pressed against hers she forgot about all of her other senses. She was caught in a whirlpool of desire. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. As she felt Emily’s lips move against hers she melted into the heated waters of Emily Fields and she sank below the surface, happy to float in the warm current.

Her palm gripped the back of Emily’s neck, her fingers trailing over the scar there. This time Emily didn’t flinch like she had in the costume shop dressing room. She didn’t pull away. Instead, she pushed more of her weight against Alison, hungrily kissing her, needing… _wanting_ more.

Alison was enamored with the blemish on her neck. Her mind was running wild. Emily had said that she hadn’t been attacked before, but _something_ had happened that had landed her in the hospital. Something so dark that it had scarred her in ways that no one could see on the surface.

 _Who hurt you, honey?_ She moved her palm against the sweat on Emily’s neck. She could feel tiny little pinpricks forming on Emily’s skin. She felt Emily shudder, the vibrations of her skin moving against hers.

It was only when her fingers hit the tip of the laceration Ben had left on the back of her head that Alison fell back into reality. Her eyes popped open. She knew she had to stop. She knew Emily wasn’t herself. And as much as she wanted to feel those plump delicate lips on hers, she knew the timing was wrong.

Emily was desperately reaching out for a lifeline, but they were in uncharted waters. And the lifeline was more than just a simple rescue. She needed more than touch. More than physical actions. She needed comfort. She needed love. And Alison was still learning the delicate balance between love and lust. She knew this was going to change things between them, and after nearly losing her she was ready for that. But not like this.

Alison pulled back, squirming underneath Emily’s sweltering body just enough so that she could push herself up on her elbows. She stroked Emily’s uninjured cheek. The brunette had a serene expression on her face, like Alison’s kiss had cured everything that was wrong in life.

“That was nice,” Emily said, a dreamy drunken smile spreading across her face.

 _She is so beautiful. I can’t…_ Alison bit her lip.

Her libido was out of control. Her thoughts were running wild. She was thinking of all the things she wanted to do to Emily. The things she wanted Emily to do to her. But then she thought about the bruises on Emily’s inner thigh and the look on Emily’s face in the locker room and the blood she’d washed off of her hands mere hours ago. Emily’s blood.

She thought about everything Emily had been through in the past 24 hours. And it slowed her raging hormones. And suddenly, all she wanted to do was hold her, feel her warmth. She wanted to cuddle her, make her feel loved and wanted. She wanted to appreciate her.

One day she would hover over this queen and worship her body. She’d memorize the features of her face as she bathed in pleasure. But it couldn’t be tonight. Not when Emily was completely out of control of her senses. Not so soon after she’d been attacked.

“Get some rest, Em.” Alison lightly brushed her cheek.

She thought she’d get some pushback, but Emily just yawned and moved against the back of the couch so she could wrap her arms around Alison’s waist. Alison didn’t resist.

“Alison?” Emily huffed, her eyes closed.

“Hmm?” She rolled her fingers through the top of Emily’s knuckles and curled them into her palm.

“I really like you.”

Alison felt her heart pumping wildly in her chest.

_Oh, God. I love you. I love you so much._

“I really like you, too, Emily,” Alison replied quietly, moving to face her, slipping one arm underneath her and the other over her waist. She leaned her cheek against Emily’s shoulder.

In fact, she more than liked her. She wanted to tell her…she wanted to shout it from the mountaintops. She had never felt like this before. God, the things that Emily Fields did to her…the things she made her feel. But before she could say it, Emily was asleep in her arms. It was a feeling Alison wouldn’t trade for the world. Because Emily felt secure enough with her to let her guard down. And that was huge. It was a responsibility that Alison was honored to have bestowed upon her.

“You have _no_ idea how much I like you,” she whispered to the sleeping beauty in front of her.

She felt Emily’s body relaxing against hers and she breathed out a heavy sigh. She could feel the brunette’s rhythmic breathing against her neck and she felt a warm prickling feeling shooting up her spine. She kissed the tattoo on Emily’s collar bone and closed her eyes.

It wasn’t until she heard the chirping of her phone a few hours later that she jumped back to life. When she opened her eyes and lifted her head off of Emily’s chest she saw the early morning sun kissing the brunette’s face. Her eyes were closed. She had a serene expression on her face. It was quiet and beautiful. To Alison, she looked like a picture perfect vision of Heaven.

She stared at her for a few seconds. Last night had felt like a dream. The nightmare had ended unexpectedly for the two of them. She could still feel Emily’s body heat against hers. They had shifted some during the night, but for the most part they’d stayed in the same position. Emily had her arms wrapped around Alison, a motion she’d done in her sleep to protect her. Even when she was asleep she felt the urge to keep the blonde safe. Even after everything she’d been through…

Alison heard her phone chiming again and she quietly squirmed out of Emily’s stronghold. She sat up and reached for her phone. She had a text from Spencer.

_“How is she?”_

So the truth was out. It honestly didn’t matter how. It was just out for the whole school to know. It was probably the parent phone tree. Surely, Emily’s parents and Toby’s parents had decided to alert the entire town of Rosewood so they could be on the lookout for Ben. Normally it would have pissed her off, everyone talking about Emily’s business like that, but she could get behind the mob mentality of everyone going after Ben with pitchforks and torches.

The first thing Alison did was turn her ringer completely off so she didn’t wake the beautiful girl sleeping on the couch.

 _“Resting.”_ Alison replied. _“The doctor told her she needed to take it easy for 24 - 48 hours. I’m staying with her. Need you to do me a favor. Get with Aria and Hanna and see what she’s missing in class.”_

_“Want me to get your assignments while I’m at it?”_

_“I’ll just charm my way into a better grade.”_

_“God, you’re such a cocky little shit, Alison.”_

_“Fuck off, Spence.”_

_“Love you, too, cous.”_

There was a pause in the conversation, but then Alison saw the little thought bubbles floating on her screen and seconds later she got another text,

_“The team and I are going to destroy Ben for this, just FYI.”_

_“You’re going to have to get in line.”_ Alison replied. _“But if you find him first save me a piece.”_

_“Deal. But I can’t make that promise for Hanna and Aria. Hanna went psycho when she found out. I mean like legit homicidal. She wanted to put a bomb in his car.”_

_“You think she could actually make a bomb?”_ Because if Hanna knew how, Alison was going to get her everything she needed to do it.

 _“I don’t know, but I’m sure the FBI is watching this conversation right now. So ex-nay on the urder-may alk-tay.”_ Spencer sent an emoji of a monkey covering its mouth.

_“PRETTY sure that Pig Latin is part of basic training for the FBI.”_

_“Well they’re going to be busy because Ben’s basically got a bounty on his head right now. Aria is like this tiny raging IED. She’s ready to go off at any minute. She mentioned something about a nail gun, sulfuric acid, and a lot of fire. She’s even scaring me.”_

_“I say let her loose.”_ Alison could picture Aria raging on Ben.

The little hippie did have a temper when pushed far enough. She’d seen her go off on some harlot who was bad-mouthing her brother in the girl’s locker room one day. Bitch could fight dirty when she wanted to. Spencer seemed to agree with Alison’s assessment.

_“She’s probably the one we really need to watch out for. Girl is off-the-charts smart with a boyfriend who probably has access to all kinds of collegiate level chemicals. She could kill Ben and make it look like natural causes. Though she needs to improve the body disposal idea. Everyone knows you use hydrofluoric acid to dissolve a dead body.”_

_“Well now the federal agents are DEFINITELY going to reign down on Rosewood. Hi, Agent Whoever-is-spying-on-this-conversation.”_

Another beep rang throughout the air. Alison glanced down and saw Emily’s phone lighting up. She saw Toby’s name pop up on Emily’s caller ID and she picked up, quietly shifting off of the couch, her eyes on the seeing-eye-dog, who was alert and at Emily’s side. She felt better knowing that Ace was there.

“Good boy, Ace. You’re a good boy,” she said quietly as she sauntered by him. “Hey.” She answered Toby’s call as she drifted into the kitchen.

“Hey. How is she?” Toby asked.

“Still sleeping.” Alison replied quietly. “You run over any psychopaths last night?”

“No. The cops nabbed him before I could rip him apart.”

Part of Alison nodded in satisfaction, _“good”._ But the other part of her, the vengeful part, was disappointed that they weren’t going to get the chance to rip his fingernails off and feed them to him. She was starting to wonder if all these violent thoughts were normal. But then she shrugged it off, because Ben was a jackass who deserved the worst.

Another beep came from Emily’s phone and she pulled the phone away from her ear and saw that Hanna was on the other line. She declined the call and went back to talking to Toby.

“Where did they find him?” Alison questioned.

“He was hiding out at some old campsite. It was actually Noel who gave him up,” Toby said. “Apparently once he found out what Ben had done he was very chat-happy with the cops.”

“Probably because he was one fucking phone call away from an assault charge himself.” Alison muttered.

“What?” Toby questioned in surprise. She could hear the fire in his voice over the phone. “What are you talking about?”

Another beep signifying Hanna’s call.

 _One freak out at a time, please._ Alison rubbed her temple.

“Nothing. Never mind.” Alison replied. “The important thing is that they got him. They’re going to lock him up, right?” If they weren’t she had plans for the little psycho.

“They hauled him into the station this morning,” Toby said.

Another beep signifying Hanna’s incoming call.

_Jesus Christ, Hanna._

“Right now they can hold him because of the statements we’ve given to the police.” Toby continued. “They’ll set a bail hearing for him soon. But they’re going to need to talk to Emily again.”

“Fuck that. She gave her statement. She shouldn’t have to relive it…” She peered around the door frame.

Ace was still sitting by her side, ever the loyal guide dog. He glanced at Alison as if to say, _“she’s okay”_ and then looked back at Emily, who was breathing softly on the couch. Alison watched the rise and fall of her chest. She took a moment to cherish every breath she took, because if yesterday had played out even the slightest bit differently she might not be around for Alison to appreciate anymore.

“That’s what I said.” Toby muttered, sounding slightly annoyed that he had anything in common with Alison DiLaurentis. “But it doesn’t work like that. There are all kinds of procedures…”

“What about the knife? And the fact that he ran, which literally _screams_ guilty? And the fact that she bit the shit out of him? And the fact that _we_ saw it? And all the evidence they have?”

“They still haven’t found the knife. For all we know the bastard dumped it in a river. And they’re still waiting on the DNA from the clothes. The movies would have you believe that kind of shit happens overnight. It doesn’t.”

There was another alert on Emily’s phone. Hanna was texting her now.

“It’s his fucking blood and they know it.” Alison snapped.

“I know. But they have to follow protocol. His parents are raising hell about it. Talking shit about cross-contamination and how DNA isn’t always reliable. So the cops need all of us to pull him from a line-up.”

“I hate his parents.” Alison growled. _They raised the little monster. Can we throw them in a cell, too?_ “How do they expect her to point him out?”

“Probably voice recognition. They’ll have each person in the line-up say the same thing.” He sighed. “It doesn’t have to happen today. He’s not going anywhere. They’ll have him for a few days. They have to wait on Emily’s parents anyway since she’s not eighteen yet. Let’s just see where she’s at when she wakes up. We’ll go from there.”

“I’ll let you know.”

There was a lull in the conversation. Alison stared at Emily on the couch. After their embrace last night everything felt so different. In a good way. She was seeing little things she’d never seen before. The sharp curves of her cheekbones, and the way the light shaded them into perfection. The tiny little faded freckle above her lip that was barely visible. The way her collar bone popped. The dimples she only had when she was sleeping. The little shine underneath her eyes. The dip in her chest leading down to her breasts. The curves of her sides. The way her shirt hugged her tight ab muscles.

Her body looked so sturdy, but at the same time there was such a softness to her. Alison thought about what that kiss last night meant, and about how she couldn’t wait to get to know her body more intimately. She couldn’t wait to give her the love she deserved. Because she was so fucking worthy. She saw Emily’s lip twitch and she couldn’t help but smile.

“You still there?” Toby asked.

“Yeah,” Alison said, her tone coming out a little breathless. “Yeah, I was just checking out Em.” Her brain screamed at the Freudian slip. “ _On_ …I am checking _on_ her…making…making sure she’s still comfortable.”

“How did last night go?” Toby questioned.

All Alison could think about was their kiss. It had been so raw and passionate. It hadn’t felt real. And for a terrifying moment she was worried she’d dreamed it. But when she brought her fingers up to her lips it’s like she could still feel the buzz of Emily’s mouth on hers.

“She did okay,” Alison replied quietly, not really sure how else to answer.

“Good.” He breathed a sigh of relief.

“She’s the strongest person I know.” She glanced at Emily.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “She’s a hell of a fighter.”

She could hear the exhaustion in his tone, and it occurred to her that it wasn’t just Emily who’d had a long night.

“You sound tired.” It sounded weird coming out of her mouth, that she was _worried_ about Toby Cavanaugh?

“I spent all night looking for a fugitive with the intent to rip his head off.”

“Right.” Alison nodded. “You should probably get some rest, too.”

Toby wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Alison DiLaurentis actually _caring_ about his state of mind?

They hung up shortly after that. Alison pulled the phone away from her ear. She saw the two missed calls and nine texts from Hanna, each increasing in worry.

_“Em, are you okay?”_

_“Where are you?”_

_“God, Emily, please answer me so I know you’re not dead.”_

_“I’m going to run my car into the police precinct and run Ben over.”_

So Emily had been right about that.

_“ANSWER ME DAMMIT!”_

_“EMILY CATHERINE FIELDS!”_

She was pulling out the full name, which meant serious business. But Alison couldn’t help but smile. Because… _Catherine_? Her middle name was Catherine? How adorably formal. And totally something her mother probably came up with and forced her dad to go along with. She continued scrolling through the angsty texts.

_“I swear to God, Ben is a fucking dead man.”_

_“Emily, please don’t be dead.”_

_“I’m bailing on school and coming to your house. What do you need?”_

Alison had to play around on Emily’s phone to figure out where the keyboard was. Emily only used the voice to text feature, so the keyboard wasn’t easy to find. But she did find it and she replied,

 _“Hanna, it’s Alison. I’m with Emily. She’s sleeping. She’s okay. She just needs to rest.”_ She started to hit send, but then added, _“You’re welcome to use my father’s Range Rover if you’re really feeling the vehicular homicide route. It’ll do more damage. He keeps the spare key underneath the passenger side mat.”_

She rolled her eyes and snorted at his stupidity…or it may have been arrogance. Because of course, who would steal from the _renowned_ Kenneth DiLaurentis?

Hanna answered almost immediately,

_“Thanks. Tell her to call me when she’s feeling up to it. Delete this message so the cops can’t trace Ben’s murder back to us.”_

Alison had to laugh.

She glanced at her watch and realized that Emily was overdue for her meds. She grabbed a fresh glass of water and walked back into the living room to find Emily stirring on the couch.

“Who was it?” Emily murmured sleepily.

Alison froze at first, because all she could picture was Emily’s lips on hers last night. All she could feel was Emily’s hand against her hip and her warm body moving against hers. And she wasn’t sure what, or how much, Emily was going to remember.

“Toby.” Alison put the phone down and handed her the water. “Sorry. You were sleeping and I saw his name on the caller ID and I thought rather than letting it go to voicemail…”

“It’s fine,” Emily sat up, cringing as the sore muscles in her body tightened.

She heard Alison pop the top from two pill bottles. She reached out to take the tablets from her, grimacing when she moved her arm. Alison immediately took a seat next to her and gently rubbed her back. Emily took the meds and downed the water. She put the glass down.

“Did they catch Ben?” she asked, playing with the hospital bracelet on her wrist. It hadn’t crossed their minds to cut it off.

_Unfortunately so. Now I won’t get to murder him._

Though maybe Hanna really was pissed enough to run a car into a building to get to him. That’s something Alison would gladly endorse. She’d sit down at the police precinct blaring a loud fight anthem and cheer her on.

_Fuck that. I’ll help her do it._

The only solace she found was that Ben would more than likely get what was coming to him in prison. There was a certain honor among prisoners. And if that honor didn’t prevail then she would just pay someone on the inside to make sure he suffered. Daily. _Hourly_.

“Yeah. Toby says they’ve got enough to hold him right now. He won’t be hurting you or anyone else ever again.” She took Emily’s hand and squeezed it.

Emily could feel the tension in her grip.

“What’s wrong? What’s the catch?” she asked.

“They need to talk to you again. They need you to identify him as your attacker.”

She felt Emily tense up and it made Alison angry…angry and upset and ready to set fire to something, because fuck any world that would hurt her girl. But after a few seconds Emily relaxed into her touch.

“Shouldn’t be too hard. He’ll be the one cowering behind two big men named Bubba when he sees a couple of high school girls approaching.”

Alison smiled. That’s why she loved Emily. Her ability to persevere _with_ her humor still intact. She saw Emily’s smile fade.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask if you’d go. I just assumed…” She reached out for Alison.

“No, they’ll need to talk to me, too, since I saw him.” Alison interrupted her. “And Toby. We’ll both pull him from the line-up, too.”

The more evidence they had against Ben the better. Alison wanted him going away for a very long time. Or for someone to shiv him his first day behind bars. Either would be fine with her.

“God, I didn’t even stop to think about how hard this must be for you two. I mean, Ben hurt you, too.” Her face was rigid. It was hard to read, but Alison was certain it was anger. “And Toby…he could get in trouble since he already has a record. And with it happening on school property, Jesus…what if he gets expelled?”

“I hardly think the zero tolerance for violence clause extends to someone defending people from a psychopathic rapist.”

“I know. I just hate that the two of you are mixed up in this.”

“I’m not,” Alison said. She’d walk through fire barefoot for Emily. Defending her felt like the most natural thing in the world to her. “I’d do anything for you, Em.” She moved her hand to her face to check on the swelling on her cheekbone. She sighed and bit her lip. “To be honest I feel kind of…” She hesitated and bit back her shame, “… _responsible_ for his actions.”

“Ali, _never_ think that.” Emily squeezed her hand.

She wanted to pull away, because she didn’t feel worthy of Emily’s comfort and understanding. Because after all, wasn’t she just like Ben? She’d hurt Emily, too. But…no, she hadn’t intended to hurt her. She hadn’t set out to hurt her on the Fourth of July.

Ben had been emotionless and violent. He’d been sadistic and detached. And vicious. Alison had just been stupid and reckless. Even so, she still didn’t feel like she deserved Emily, but she couldn’t pull away from her.

She looked at her face, and how could she help but to fall in love with her? Her eyes flickered to Emily’s lips. She longed to have them pressed against her skin. Emily still hadn’t said anything about their kiss last night, and it was somewhat jarring to consider that she might not remember it. Alison wanted to bring it up, but all she could think about were the bruises on Emily’s body, and whether or not she’d played a role in what had happened to her.

“I can’t help it.” Alison sighed. “Ben and I have been hanging out since we were in ninth grade.”

When she’d plucked him from obscurity. What if she’d never picked him? Would he have just been another regular student at Rosewood High? Would he have continued being an awkward jackass? Would he have gone on to do something worse? Would he have hurt someone else like he’d hurt Emily? Would he have killed the person? Would he have killed more than one person? Would he have become one of those psychopathic school shooters? Or would he have just been an average high school guy who moved on to get an average job and live an average life? Was it something she’d done? Or was it something inside of him? Had she brought it out in him?

“Noel, too,” Alison said. “And I wasn’t always very nice to them. Especially Ben. Before I…” _before I met you and realized what a colossal asshole I’ve been_ , “…before I stopped hanging out with him I was constantly on his ass. I said things to him just to get a rise out of him. Teased him. I treated him like shit. And then I just dropped him, which pissed him and Noel off.” Alison glanced anywhere but Emily’s face, because she couldn’t bear to see if she was disappointed. “I push people too far. And I think Ben took it out on you.”

She felt Emily’s fingers against the side of her neck, forcing her to look into her eyes. Seeing what was going on inside of her always drew Alison in.

_Please tell me you remember last night…_

“Look, what Ben did…” She cringed. She had to take a breath to center herself, “…he was always really pushy and didn’t respect boundaries. He forced me to kiss him when we were little.”

“What?” _Ben Coogan must die._ The fire returned. _His ass is going to be a filet Ben-yon…_

No wonder Emily was uncomfortable around him. The pushy little shit had been harassing her before they’d even hit puberty.

“It was a long time ago, and I thought maybe with the passing of time he’d come to understand what was wrong with his actions. I…I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, we all do stupid shit when we’re younger. And I think when I came back to town he was trying to apologize in his own way. But the truth is…he hadn’t changed. He’d just changed the game. I should have seen it.”

“But…what if he learned it from me?” Alison thought of all the terrible things she’d done over the years.

It made Emily feel physically sick to hear Alison blame herself.

“No,” Emily said sharply, shaking her head. “I do not want you to blame yourself for Ben Coogan. We make our own choices, Alison. He was drunk. And he was mad because I embarrassed him in front of everyone in the locker room. And he’s a psycho. It doesn’t matter what you said or did when you used to hang out with him. _He_ did it. _He_ refused to hear ‘no’. _He_ attacked me.” She tightened her grip on Alison’s hand. She needed Alison to hear her. “This was all him. You understand that, right?”

“I…I guess.”

“Alison DiLaurentis, don’t you dare feel guilty for this. Don’t you _dare_.” Her tone was sharp, but her words were soft and loving. “You listen to me. You are a _good_ person…with _such_ a big heart. If you don’t understand that it isn’t your fault, at least understand that.” Emily rubbed her thumb against Alison’s jaw near the corner of her mouth.

Alison felt the urge to press her lips against Emily’s thumb. She looked at Emily’s lips while biting her own. Emily gently grasped Alison’s fingers and moved Alison’s hand up to the bruise on her cheek.

“You didn’t do this. You had nothing to do with this. High school is hell on everyone. But you don’t see every single person just snapping like he did. There was something broken in him long before he got to where he is today. You didn’t make him who he is. He was always that person. Okay?”

“Okay,” Alison replied, slowly moving her hand away from Emily’s bruised cheekbone.

Her hand slid down across her chin and then landed gently on the tattooed scar on her collar bone. It sparked something in the brunette.

She saw Emily physically relax, but her face was still pensive. There was a strange expression in her eyes, like she was caught between a memory and the present. Alison couldn’t help but wonder if it was the kiss or something else.

“You okay?” Alison asked.

“Yeah.” But she seemed dazed.

Emily moved the tips of her fingers against the back of Alison’s hand. Her jaw tightened. It wasn’t the kiss. She was wrestling with something in her mind. She looked like she had something important to tell Alison, but before she could say anything Emily’s phone went off again. This time a different tone. Emily dropped her hand and felt around for it.

“That’s for Ace,” Emily said. “I’ve got to feed him and walk him.”

“I’ll do it. You just take it easy.” Alison stood up and looked at the Retriever.

He looked from Emily to Alison and then back at Emily.

“You’ll be late for school.” Emily furrowed her brows, standing up, her balance still a little wobbly. She used the arm of the couch to steady herself.

“I’m staying with you today.” Alison tried to get her to sit back down.

“You don’t have to miss school for me.” Emily pushed back stubbornly.

“You wanted me to stay. And I’m a girl of my word.”

“I didn’t mean you needed to skip school.”

Her tone was verging on being a scolding mother, because how dare Alison endanger her education? It was annoying and endearing at the same time.

“They caught him. And…I’m honestly feeling a little better this morning,” Emily said.

“Liar.” Alison shook her head. She reached up and gently touched the cut on her cheek, watching as Emily’s eyes flinched. “Sweetie, you were assaulted yesterday. There is no way in hell I’m leaving you alone. Besides, I’ve skipped for much lesser reasons. At least this time I have a valid excuse. I already talked to Spencer about getting our missed assignments.”

“Crap. If Spencer knows that must mean everyone else knows, too.” Emily cringed.

“I’m pretty sure Hanna is going to go nuclear,” Alison said casually, because she knew it wouldn’t surprise Emily.

“I’m surprised she hasn’t already. I should probably call her. Talk her out of going to the police station like Rambo.”

God, she knew Hanna so well.

“Good idea.” Alison nodded. “Why don’t you just stay here and relax? I’ll take care of Ace.”

Emily nodded, giving in. She wouldn’t admit it out loud but she had a splitting headache and she was glad that Alison was being so adamant about staying.

“His food is on the top shelf of the pantry. But he’s used to me or my parents feeding him and he won’t eat unless you tell him it’s okay with the command,” Emily said.

“What’s the command?”

“Eat.” Emily shrugged.

“Hmm, that’s a tough one. Don’t know if I’ll be able to remember that.” Alison chuckled.

“Hey, I’m the one with the brain injury here.”

Alison wanted to smile, but it still made her so mad that Emily was hurt.

“Ace, come.” Alison called.

He looked at Emily and nudged her with his nose to get approval.

“Go.” Emily motioned towards Alison.

That’s all he needed from her. He trotted towards Alison and they walked into the kitchen. Alison fed him and then took him outside for a walk.

When Emily heard the door close she reached out in search of her spare pair of sunglasses and slipped them on. She got up and walked into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. She was still trying to sort out her feelings. Everything felt like a jumbled mess. Her brain felt like it was melting.

The assault and its aftereffects were really messing with her head. Going to the hospital had brought back a hell of a lot for her, though she didn’t remember everything. Yesterday felt like a bad dream. Like she was back in the past. She remembered bits and pieces of being in the ER. She remembered talking to the doctor. She remembered her parents freaking out. And most of all, she remembered Alison. How soft she’d been with her. How loving. And kind.

And that kiss. God, that kiss had been…she still wasn’t sure it was real. Alison hadn’t said anything about it, and Emily was still trying to figure out what that meant. And then there was everything else. She still didn’t know anything for sure yet. The only thing she was certain about was her feelings for Alison DiLaurentis.

She grabbed some bacon and eggs her mother had left for her and heated them up for Alison while Alison tended to Ace outside.

Alison was certain that she was going to be outside waiting for the dog to sniff every blade of grass and every bush in the yard, but he was surprisingly fast. She walked down by the edge of the driveway while she was waiting on him to finish. She glanced at the cruiser, surprised to find it still there considering they had Ben in custody. Normally, the police department in Rosewood was gone without a trace the second they could get away from their duties.

She lifted her hand to wave at the officer in the cruiser. He didn’t see her. He was on his phone, his brow furrowed as he nodded and listened with an intense look on his face. He hung up and then started typing something into his laptop. He grabbed the car’s radio and spoke into it for a few seconds and then put it back on the rack. He glanced up and saw Alison and he rolled the window down and motioned for her to approach the cruiser.

“Everything okay?” He glanced at Alison.

“I don’t know…” Alison looked at him warily. “You tell me. You guys got him, right? You’re not letting him go or anything?” Because otherwise why would the cops feel the need to still be outside of Emily’s house?

“He’s in custody.” Officer Calderon responded. “I’ve actually got to get back to the station, but I wanted to make sure I spoke to one of you ladies before I left. Didn’t want you to notice the patrol car was missing and then get worried. I was getting ready to come knock on the door, but I know your friend had a rough 24 hours and I didn’t want to wake her if she was asleep.”

“She’s doing okay.” Alison nodded. She was back to fretting about Alison’s feelings and school habits like normal.

“Good.” He glanced at the house. “We’ll be in touch. She’s going to need to come to the station…”

“No.” Alison interrupted him. “I can ID him. She’s been through enough.” She puffed up defensively.

“You didn’t let me finish.” He seemed annoyed, and Alison started to feel bad, because the guy _had_ sat outside watching their backs all night. “She’s going to need to come to the station _at some point_ when she’s up to it. If we want these charges to stick we’re going to have to talk to her again. The ID has to come from her.”

Alison sighed, her chest feeling heavy for Emily, because she didn’t want her to go through it again.

He reached into his console and grabbed something. He stuck his arm out the window with a card in between his fingers.

“If you need anything or if you have any questions, just call me.”

“Thanks.” Alison took the card.

She waved goodbye to the officer and then walked back towards the house. By the time she got back inside with Ace Emily had the kitchen table set for breakfast.

Alison frowned when she saw that Emily wasn’t on the couch. She walked towards the smell of the bacon.

“I leave you alone for two seconds and you’re making us freaking breakfast when you’re supposed to be resting?”

“I didn’t make it. I just reheated it.” Emily argued with a smile.

“Smartass.” Alison uttered.

Emily just smiled at her, motioning towards the chair she had pulled out. Alison walked over and sat down. Emily sat down across from her, her own plate only containing a piece of toast and a little bit of scrambled eggs.

“Em, is that all you’re going to eat?” Alison frowned.

“I’m still a little queasy from yesterday.” There was a strange look on her face, which Alison chalked up to nausea. “Trust me, there’s plenty of bacon in there for another day.” She smiled. “So eat up.”

“Does Hanna know you’re feeding me the food your mom made for her?” Alison laughed.

“You let me worry about what Hanna does or does not know.”

“Seriously though, did you talk to her? She’s really freaked.” _And really damn pissed._

“I did. I called her and Aria off. Apparently they were very close to going feral.” Emily nodded. “It doesn’t help that we’re reading _Wuthering Heights_ in English Lit. Hanna is working on a paper about the themes of revenge in the novel. Kinda fueled her fire when she heard about Ben.”

“Some people deserve vengeance.” Alison said, staring at the knife next to her plate. She could imagine driving it into Ben’s skull and not even batting an eye. “I like how Brontë let Hindley’s own consumption and his humiliation after his failed assassination of Healthcliff be his ultimate demise.”

She also liked that Heathcliff beat the shit out of Hindley. That felt like it could be very therapeutic in real life.

“You a Brontë fan?” Emily asked curiously.

“I read it last quarter. I pretty much hated all of the characters, but Heathcliff was the lesser of two evils.” Alison scooped a bite of eggs into her mouth. “What’s your favorite classic novel?”

“I listen to the audio book of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ at least once a year. The way Harper Lee incorporated a childlike innocence into a novel with such heavy themes is amazing.” Emily ate a bite of her toast. “What about you?”

“Mmm, okay, so don’t tell anyone, but I have a secret fondness for Dickens.”

“Is that so?” Emily smiled. “What’s your favorite Dickens novel?”

“I’ll give you three guesses.”

Emily thought it over. After a few seconds she got a smug look on her face.

“I only need one.”

“This ought to be good.” Alison laughed.

“Well, initially I was going to guess _Oliver Twist_ , because that’s everyone’s go-to, which makes sense to me, because running away to find a better life is just human nature. And the struggle with good versus evil is something we all share. But I think your love of Dickens runs deeper than the “go-to”. Then I thought about _A Tale of Two Cities_ , because high school with all of its cliques and infighting and clashing can feel like all out war sometimes. But I think that deep down you’re more of thinker than anything else, so I’m going to say _Great Expectations_.”

Alison had to clench her jaw to keep it from dropping open and spilling food all over her plate. Of all the Dickens books that she could have picked, she had somehow miraculously picked the right one.

“I think that you can relate to someone who is hard on themselves and wants to better themselves through growth and change.”

Right again.

“And while the ending draws for conclusion on the reader’s part, I think that when presented with an ambiguous ending…that you want to have hope that the ending will be happy.”

“You are just full of surprises.” Alison smiled.

“So, did I nail it?”

_Make me want to nail you? Yeah._

“Dead on.” Alison replied. “I like the names, too. They make me laugh. Pip. Mr. Wopsle. Uncle Pumblechook. They all sound like stuffed animals.”

“You must have had some fancy-ass tea parties.” Emily chuckled.

Alison smiled at her and pushed her fork around on her plate. She stared at Emily, unable to draw her attention away from her lips. It couldn’t have been a dream. It was real. Those feelings…that passion…it had to be real. She wanted to leap across the table and recreate the kiss, beg Emily to talk about it, _anything_ other than wonder. But all she could do was stare and smile at the girl.

When they finished up their breakfast Emily started to clean up. Alison immediately lectured her about how she needed to let her concussion heal.

“It’s a memory task.” Emily insisted innocently. “Making sure things go where they belong.”

“How exactly am I supposed to grade these memory tests? How do I know you’re not just making up where shit goes?”

“If you see me putting a fork in the toaster, that doesn’t go there.”

Alison wanted to both laugh and strangle her. The girl infuriated her, but turned her on at the same time. Emily brushed her off and told her to make herself at home. She told Alison that she was welcome to shower and change into something of hers. Alison hadn’t left her side since the assault. At the very least, Emily wanted her to be comfortable while she hovered over her.

Alison took the quickest shower of her life, trying not to imagine all the terrible things that could happen if she wasn’t by Emily’s side. She quickly towel-dried her hair and then wrapped the towel around her body. She popped her head out of the bathroom and called out Emily’s name.

“In here!” Emily called back.

Alison followed her voice into Emily’s room. She found her over by her closet. She’d changed into a loosely fitting robe. She was holding a new pair of pajamas over her right arm.

“That has got to be the fastest anyone in this house has _ever_ showered.” Emily chuckled.

Alison’s eyes drifted down to Emily’s legs. She thought about the bruises underneath the robe. And she thought about the fact that Emily was standing here, on her feet, _still_ persevering. _Still_ smiling. Military child indeed. The most unbreakable woman in the world.

“Usually mom bitches about the water bill to me and dad.” She paused and thought about something. She chuckled to herself. “Though she never yells at Hanna when she stays over. That girl could take the shower to end all showers and my mom would just offer her a loofah and ask her if she needed more time.” She reached out in search of Ace’s head.

He waited until she had a hold of his collar and then slowly started walking. She followed.

“I just wanted to make sure there was some hot water left for you.” Alison moved towards her.

 _We could have conserved water and showered together. Shit. Why didn’t I think of that?_ Alison frowned.

“I won’t be long.” Emily smiled. “Feel free to go through my things. Wear anything you want. Though my clothes will probably be a little big on you.”

“Thanks.” Alison couldn’t stop staring at her like a giggly child in love.

She watched as Emily made her way out the room, somewhat assisted by Ace, but mostly on her own. She probably knew her way around her own house.

Emily disappeared into the bathroom. She was dying to get the matted blood out of her hair. Fortunately, she hadn’t needed stitches. She just had a nasty gash. They’d cleaned her up the best they could at the hospital, but Emily could still feel a weird stiffness in her hair around the laceration where it had oozed a little.

Alison didn’t turn her offer to paw through her things down. At the very least, she saw it as an opportunity to snoop around in Emily’s bedroom. She thought she could learn more about her. All she learned was that her mother had mad organizing skills and that everything in Emily’s room was meticulously placed.

She found a tank top that was a size too big for her and a pair of sweatpants. She put them on, staring at herself in the mirror. She felt a little crazy, because she could actually smell Emily’s scent on the clothes. Just smelling them made her feel like she was in Emily’s arms. She pulled the fabric of the tank top up to her nose and inhaled her scent. It made her feel comfortable, at home.

She was so caught up in everything Emily Fields that she didn’t even hear the water turn off. Or Emily making her way back into the living room. She looked at all the little trinkets Emily had around her room. It was mostly cool eclectic stuff that Emily could pick up and feel. Things she could touch to connect her to her past.

There was small carving of a dolphin that had been whittled from a piece of an oak branch. A candy dish with tiny diamond shapes cut out around the edges. In true Emily Fields fashion, the only thing in it was a swiss army knife. Next to it there was a bracelet with all different shapes and sizes of beads. There was a snowglobe with a worn photo of Emily and her mom and dad in a slot in the middle.

Next to the snowglobe there was a little handprint mold that kids always made for their parents when they were toddlers. She’d made one for her parents in kindergarten. It was packed up in a box somewhere. She looked at the little clay mold and smiled, imagining the little five-year-old that had jumped into the pool the day they met. She picked it up and ran her fingers over it. It was chipped around the edges. All the moving around she’d done, undoubtedly. Other than the chipped edges it had held up fairly well. She moved her index finger across a neatly written phrase at the bottom.

_2 yrs._

“Baby Emily,” Alison smiled to herself.

God, she was probably adorable as hell. She had to remember to ask Emily’s mother if she had any baby pictures of Emily she could look at. She gently put the mold back down.

On the other end of the table she found a decorative candle with an LED light and a small figurine of Buddha. There was an origami swan and a heavy wooden ball that had been carved into the image of an eagle. Next to the eagle there was a large conch seashell. Alison picked it up to see if she could hear the ocean. She didn’t care how old she got, she would never be too old to believe that you could hear the ocean through a seashell.

She looked over and near the very edge of the end table, closest to Emily’s bed, she saw the figurine of the Eiffel Tower she had given her during their first lunch together. Alison walked over and picked it up, smiling. It meant the world to her that Emily had kept it.

When she was done browsing through Emily’s things she made her way back to the living room and found Emily sitting on the couch listening to a recording of a lesson for one of her old Trig classes. She heard Alison coming and paused the recording.

“Find something that fits?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” Alison walked towards the couch.

“Enjoy your snooping session?” Emily smirked at her. She knew that Alison wouldn’t be able to help herself from peeking at her things.

“So that’s why I couldn’t find any of the good stuff.” Alison teased. “You knew I was coming, so you hid the contraband.”

“Exactly.” Emily chuckled. “What was your favorite?”

“I mean, besides the Eiffel Tower? I’m biased, of course.”

“Of course.” Emily nodded.

“The seashell was cool. I went on a quick little mental trip to the beach.” She sat down next to Emily. She caught a whiff of her shampoo and found herself wanting to run her fingers through Emily’s damp hair. “How’s your head?”

“Still working, but still pissed at math. How’s your wrist?” Emily questioned.

“It’s fine.” Alison rubbed her wrist.

“The truth.” Emily’s voice lowered, letting Alison know she wasn’t buying it.

“It’s still a little stiff. But it’s getting better.” She looked down at her hand.

Emily put her fingers against Alison’s wrist and when Alison looked up she found Emily significantly closer to her face. She could see her reflection in Emily’s sunglasses.

Emily chewed on the inside of her cheek nervously. She’d been trying to find the courage to address it all morning. She was so fucking scared that Alison was going to push her away again like last time. But she had to go for it.

“Ali, about last night…” Emily broached the subject carefully.

“You remember?” Alison asked in surprise.

“I was stoned. Not unconscious.” Emily smiled softly. “I’ve been trying to figure out a way to talk to you about it all morning. I’ve felt kind of awkward about it. At first I thought maybe I’d dreamed it…”

“Me too,” Alison uttered quietly.

“But I could feel something different in your tone. I felt it in your touch.” She ran her fingertips along Alison’s arm.

“Why did you kiss me?” Alison asked curiously. After everything she’d gone through, why had she chosen _that_ moment?

The brunette considered the question. Initially she’d wondered if kissing Alison had been a reaction to what Ben had done to her, a way for her to regain some control back in her life. But as she was dozing off she’d realized that it wasn’t just an impulse. It wasn’t just because Alison was close to her. She wanted her. She wanted to feel safe. And Alison was a soft landing. Alison was the key to her heart. Despite every cell in her body telling her not to, she wanted to let her in.

“Did you not want me to?” Emily questioned.

Though Emily knew the answer. She’d felt the answer in Alison’s response. She’d melded against Emily and her lips and had fallen into her embrace. She just wanted to hear Alison say it.

“I wanted to,” Alison said quietly, her fingers tracing Emily’s jaw. _More than anything_.

“So then why did you stop me?” Emily asked.

“I knew you weren’t yourself,” Alison said. “You had just been attacked and you were really drugged up…”

That much was true, though it didn’t have much of an impact on Emily’s actions. She’d felt something, despite the trauma she’d endured. Alison was familiar and safe in such a beautiful way.

“And?” Emily asked for clarification.

_And my stupid brain told me that you needed to breathe, that you needed to make sure you really wanted the kiss, that you needed love…_

“And you were totally out of it, Emily.” Alison frowned, her voice dangerously close to becoming bitchy. Because she’d done the right thing. Hadn’t she? She didn’t even know anymore.

“I was.” Emily didn’t argue. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t _feel_ it.”

She took in a quiet breath through her nose and her shoulders tensed up. Alison didn’t have to ask what was on her mind. She could see it in her posture.

_Fucking Ben Coogan._

She instinctively reached out to touch her face. Emily smiled softly.

“You know, every time someone touched me yesterday I felt like I was going to puke.” Before Alison could move her hand, Emily reached up and put her palm over Alison’s knuckles and pushed her hand further against her cheek, holding it in place. Her face aligned with Alison’s. “It made me think of Ben and I was right back in that locker room with him. Every time. The doctors, the nurses, the police. Hell, even Toby…and we’ve known each other our whole lives. But with you…” The tip of Emily’s tongue perched against her top lip in thought for a moment, “…you were the only one I wanted touching me. Because when I’m with you, I can’t think about anything else. You are constantly on my mind.”

Alison cocked her head curiously. She thought about the smile Emily had given her right after their kiss last night.

“So did you mean what you said?” Alison asked. “About liking me?”

Like it wasn’t obvious.

“Did you mean what you said about liking me back?” Emily leaned forward.

She could smell Alison’s odor, a mixture of her shampoo and her body lotion. She could also smell the faint scent of the laundry detergent her mother used on her clothes. There was something strangely satisfying about smelling herself on Alison. It was like a pheromone that told the world that Alison was hers.

“I’ve never done anything like this before,” Alison said, almost meekly. “I don’t know anything about love and relationships. Or boundaries. I just…I’ve always thought…I don’t know that anyone has ever _truly_ liked me. Every time something good happens in my love life I feel like the universe is playing a trick on me. Or that I’m playing a trick on the person I like. Like it’s not real.”

“That couldn’t be further from the truth. _This_ ,” Emily caressed her face, “is real, Alison.” She paused and sighed. “I am falling for you. And I think you feel the same way. We’ve both just been too stubborn to make this work. But life is too short for this back and forth. I don’t want to do this dance anymore.” Emily traced her fingers along Alison’s arm. “I know you feel something. I _feel_ that you feel something.”

“I care about you, Emily. So much.” Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. “More than I’ve ever cared about anything in my life.” She took a heavy thoughtful breath. “And that scares me.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how to do _this_. I don’t…I don’t know how to be someone’s girlfriend.”

She knew how to play with people. She knew how to manipulate them. She knew how to use her sexuality for her own personal gain. But love? Love was fucking terrifying for her. Because it was real.

Emily could feel it in the way she spoke. She knew that Alison was afraid, that she’d never put herself out there like this before. And that should have stopped Emily from taking the conversation any further. That hesitation should have been what kept her foolish heart in check, because she knew how their story would end. But that didn’t stop her from feeling what she felt.

“I can show you how if you’ll let me.” Emily stroked her hair.

Alison looked at her skeptically.

 _Right_. _You can just show a cold heartless narcissist how to love._

If it were that easy wouldn’t someone have done it by now? How was she supposed to be open to the idea of love if she didn’t believe in it? How did someone closed off to the idea of love actually get a happy ending?

Something registered in her brain. Was _that_ why she liked _Great Expectations_ so much? Because the heartless bitch got the kind soul who’d always loved her? Emily was right. She liked to dream of a happy ending when presented with an open ending. Pip got Estella in the end, but at what cost to Pip? All the longing…the heartbreak, the pain…yet Pip never gave up. She had a feeling Emily wouldn’t either.

“Did you know that Dickens originally intended for _Great Expectations_ to have a tragic end?” Alison wasn’t sure why she’d blurted it out. And she immediately felt stupid for saying it.

But Emily always surprised her. She simply replied,

“And yet he chose for Pip to get Estella.” She smiled.

Love for Emily wasn’t as complicated as it was for Alison. Emily didn’t like to waste time. She had learned at a very young age that fear shouldn’t dictate how she chose to live her life. And sitting here in front of someone she had very real feelings for, holding her in ways that she’d never held anyone else, she realized she was afraid, too. But for different reasons.

“Alison, all you have to do is dive in with me.”

Emily’s thumb landed against her jaw near the blonde’s ear. She started drawing soft sensual circles on her skin. Alison couldn’t help but let out a satisfied sigh. How did she know that was one of her weak spots?

_Ohhh, goddamn you, Emily Catherine Fields._

“I thought you didn’t dive.” Alison smirked. “You just swing over the ledge and let go, remember?”

Her thighs pulsed at the thought of the rush she felt after she’d leaped off of the cliff into Spring Cove after Emily. There was a sense of adventure and excitement when it came to being with Emily. But there was also an inexplicable comfort in her soul that made Alison feel the girl in every cell in her body.

“You gonna jump in after me this time, too?” Emily moved closer.

“I don’t want to screw this up,” Alison admitted.

“Mmm.” Emily shook her head. “I won’t let that happen.”

Because she knew she’d find a way to screw it up first. But she didn’t care. Her heart was stupid, and she _didn’t care_. She pushed her lips against Alison’s, moving her hands softly against Alison’s overheated cheeks.

Alison pushed back. When Emily felt Alison moving against her she was suddenly reminded of all the reasons that it couldn’t, that it _wouldn’t_ work. She thought of all the things she had hidden. All the secrets. All the lies. A life that no one in Rosewood knew about, except for her family. How could she sit in front of someone she actually cared _this much_ about and pretend like everything would turn out okay, that no one would get hurt in the end?

But all she could hear was her heart saying _“fuck it”._ None of her thoughts stopped her. She couldn’t keep herself from feeling what she felt for the girl in front of her. What’s more, she didn’t care. She didn’t care, because love was meant to be experienced. She wanted Alison DiLaurentis in a way that she’d never wanted anything else in her life.

Emily’s lips were trembling when they pulled away. Alison looked at her in concern, her fingers tracing a pattern on Emily’s strong jaw. She could tell the brunette was lightyears away in thought.

“Em? What are you thinking right now?” Alison whispered, her breath still uneven from their encounter.

“You’re right.” Emily huffed against Alison’s mouth, their lips ghosting over each other. “This is a terrible idea.”

“How so?”

There was a quiet pause in the air, the only noise in the room was the two of them breathing heavily against each other.

“Because I’m destined to break your heart.” There was an undertone of sadness in the way that she said it, like a part of her actually believed it. Like she was cursed in life…and in love.

Alison peered at her in confusion, and sympathy. Because what had happened in Emily’s life for her to believe that she wouldn’t find everlasting love? Or that she didn’t deserve it?

 _You could never…_ Alison thought to herself.

“Can’t break what I don’t have.” Alison brushed her thumb against Emily’s chin. Was she doing this? Were _they_ doing this?

“It’s there.” Emily’s hand traced up over the top of the tank top Alison was wearing, and _fuck_ , she wasn’t wearing a bra. But sex wasn’t her intent right now. Instead, her hand landed directly above Alison’s heart. She could feel it thrumming against her hand. “I can feel it.”

“Nah, it’s just for show.” Alison replied quickly.

“What are you hiding from, Ali?” Emily asked curiously.

_Nothing major. Just the fact that I blinded you and nearly set your cousins on fire._

Alison traced her fingers along the scar on Emily’s neck and she saw her shoulders tense up.

“You tell me and I’ll tell you,” she whispered.

Emily answered with another passionate kiss that Alison couldn’t deny. When she pulled away Alison whined.

“So now what?” Emily asked. “Are we just going to keep going around like this? Do we just keep pretending this doesn’t mean something?”

Alison bit her lip and nervously coiled Emily’s hair around her finger. Her insecurities had never come in to play like this.

“I don’t know. I…I don’t do girlfriends,” Alison repeated, almost blankly. _Why did I say that?_ She wanted to scream at herself.

“So, I’m just a cheap thrill then?” Emily smirked.

“No.” Alison shook her head vigorously. “God, no. You’re…” She was so lost in Emily’s arms, in her touch, that she could barely think. _Someone I can’t live without? The love of my life? My future wife? My always?_ “…different.”

“Different.” Emily nodded slowly. She could work with that. “We can do different. I’m down for that.”

 _If you’re going down, I know where I want you to be._ Alison could picture Emily in between her thighs making Alison’s body shudder in pleasure. She imagined screaming her name, her fingers tangled in her long dark hair.

“So, what does this mean?” Alison cupped her cheek.

“What do you want it to mean?” Emily asked.

“Would you…” Her voice almost came out as a squeak, “are you okay with keeping this between the two of us right now?” Alison questioned. “Just until I can figure some stuff out. I…I want you, Em. I do. I want _this_ ,” she said as she stroked her cheek, “…but I…I still…I’m…” _Scared. Excited. Thrilled. Confused. Conflicted._ Her thoughts were running rampant and she couldn’t shut them up, “I just…”

“As long as we’re together that’s all that matters to me.” Because it wasn’t about showcasing their love for other people. It was about the time they spent together. “I want to be with you. I’ll wait for you, Alison.”

 _Why?_ Alison caught herself before she posed the question out loud. It was just a foreign concept to her…to have someone care enough to give her the time she needed.

“Yeah?” Alison was surprised by her understanding.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “All we have is time, right?” She bit the inside of her cheek, because she wanted their time to start _now_. Instead, she offered Alison an encouraging smile, because she knew that this feeling was new for her. “I won’t tell anyone until you decide what you want.”

Though Emily knew Hanna well enough to know that it wouldn’t stay between just the two of them for long. But Hanna would never betray her confidence. She’d always been the guardian of her secrets.

Alison caressed her face. How could she tell Emily that she’d decided the second she laid eyes on her? She wanted to, but she was tongue-tied.

“So, what now?” Emily asked.

“I don’t know. This was your idea.” Alison laughed.

The laughter was like a beautiful melody to Emily’s ears. She could picture her smile. She could still taste Alison’s lips on hers. Alison’s laughter quieted down and she saw the expression on Emily’s face. She reached up, careful not to hit her bruised cheek. She laid her fingers against the armband of Emily’s sunglasses, pausing before doing anything with them. Emily nodded silently to let her know it was okay to take them off. She put them down and then ran her fingers over Emily’s temple with a smile, pushing some of her wet hair out of her face.

“You have such beautiful eyes.” She inched closer to Emily. She wanted to see her when their lips met again. “Promise me that if I ever do anything that upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable you’ll let me know. Like I said, I don’t…”

“…do girlfriends. I heard you.” Emily smiled, moving forward to shut her up with a kiss.

She felt Emily’s tongue gently prodding against her lips and Alison opened her mouth just wide enough to let her slip it in. She curled her tongue against Emily’s. And last night came rushing back to both of them. Alison groaned.

She. Tasted. _So_. Good.

Like a sweet nectar. Emily had a certain draw to her when they kissed. It’s like even if Alison wanted to pull away, she couldn’t. She was a siren’s call that Alison was happy to answer. Alison felt a hot burning sensation _throbbing_ between her legs. She moved her hand to the back of Emily’s neck and pulled her closer, pushing their clashing mouths further together.

When they finally pulled away both of them were panting. Emily put her palm against Alison’s side and Alison whimpered, nearly orgasming. It’s like her body went numb and the only motions that existed were the ones Emily created for her. Emily felt Alison exhale a heated breath against her face, a quiet ‘wow’ escaping her lips.

Alison saw Emily smile, but her forehead was crinkled like her head was hurting. She was squinting. Alison carefully put her sunglasses back on for her.

“Better?”

“Yeah.” Emily rubbed her temple. “Just have a headache from all the math.”

_Or maybe from the damn brain injury you have…_

“How about a little English Lit to help balance the scales?” Alison suggested.

“ _Great Expectations_?” Emily guessed.

“I practically know it by heart.” Alison said, sitting back against the couch, curling her hand into Emily’s hand. “ _I loved her against reason, against promise._ ” She rubbed her thumb over Emily’s knuckles, staring at her fingers. “ _Against peace. Against hope. Against happiness. Against all discouragement that could be._ ”

There was a pause and then Emily brought Alison’s hand up to her lips, gently kissing her knuckles before continuing the passage that she knew as well,

“ _Once for all; I love her none-the-less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection._ ”

Hanna had gotten one thing right when she was scolding Emily for getting involved with Alison. She was completely under the blonde’s spell. And while she knew that it wouldn’t last forever, she was glad the spell had been cast. She didn’t care what it cost her in the end. Because Alison DiLaurentis was worth it. But the question wasn’t whether or not Alison was worth it. It was whether Emily was truly worthy of her. She knew that Alison’s heart was fragile, and it worried her to know just how much of a hold she had over the girl. Relationships were always risky, especially in her life. Because the higher they climbed...the further there was to fall.


	16. Depth Perception

* * *

**Chapter 16:**

**Depth Perception**

When Aria and Hanna came by with Emily’s missed assignments Hanna knew right away that something had happened between Emily and Alison. She didn’t say anything while Alison was in the room. She waited until Aria took Alison to go pick up her car from the school parking lot. Alison had left it there when she’d hitched a ride to the hospital with Toby and Emily.

“I won’t be gone long, okay?” Alison delicately wrapped her fingers around Emily’s wrist. She wanted to kiss her so bad, but she couldn’t in front of Hanna and Aria.

Hanna didn’t miss the intimacy in her touch, nor the way Emily responded in a similar manner. Emily smiled back at her. Alison glanced at Hanna.

“I’m grabbing us something for dinner on my way back. Hanna, would you like anything?” She knew she needed to _attempt_ to play nice with Emily’s best friend.

Hanna seemed taken aback by the offer. She narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out if she was being sincere or if she was planning to spit in anything she ordered.

“I’m good, thanks. Caleb and I are going out tonight.”

Alison nodded and then shut the door behind her. The second they were gone Hanna side-eyed her best friend and grumbled.

“At least tell me you two didn’t get freaky on this couch.” Hanna looked at the couch like it needed to be sterilized.

Emily just smirked.

“Ugh, Em. I _sleep_ on this thing when we have movie nights.” She made a face at the piece of furniture they were sitting on.

Emily laughed.

“You have no room to talk. How many times have I slept on your unwashed sheets after you and Caleb have sucked face…and _more_ on them?” Emily gave her a hard time.

“That’s fair.” Hanna couldn’t argue. There was a pause and then a dramatic sigh, “Do you know what you’re in for?”

“Yep.”

“Does _she_?”

“We’re happy, Han. So leave it alone.”

“Fine.” Hanna didn’t argue. “Just promise me you’ll tread carefully, okay?”

Emily nodded. There was an air of silence and then Hanna shook her head.

“She’s weird when she’s in love.” Hanna grimaced. “She’s like a pod person. That offer to get me food? What even was that?”

“I told you. She’s not what her reputation has built her up to be. You’ve seen her since we all started hanging out. Tell me you haven’t seen her softer side.” Emily smiled, hopelessly in love.

“I don’t need to hear how soft _any_ part of her is. You can keep that between yourselves. You do you.” She grabbed one of Pam’s _Home Living_ magazines from the table and started flipping through the pages. Without looking away from the magazine she addressed Emily again, “You really trust her?”

“With my life.” Emily nodded. “Which she saved.” She reminded Hanna.

“Right.” Hanna glanced at the bruise on Emily’s cheek. She gnawed on her lip and considered her words carefully, which is something she _never_ did. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’d rather not.”

Hanna made a face. She didn’t like it when Emily internalized. It never ended well. She hoped at the very least she was talking to Alison.

“Just don’t bury it,” Hanna said softly, touching her hand. “And know that if you ever do want to talk, I’m here for you.”

“I know.” Emily smiled, squeezing Hanna’s fingers gently.

Hanna didn’t press her about the assault or about Alison after that. She kept quiet about both matters. There was no point in telling Emily what to do.

Emily spent the next several days with Alison and her friends, trying to regain the normalcy in her life. She had some trouble focusing on her school work, which she was keeping up with at home. She also had trouble sleeping, but she never complained.

She didn’t even mention it to the doctor when she went back to her follow up appointment to make sure her concussion was healing. She’d clammed up the second she’d walked through the front door of the doctor’s office.

Alison had woken up that morning feeling anxious because she knew that Emily was getting her recheck. She nervously awaited her call. She breathed a sigh of relief when Emily called to tell her the doctor said she was on the right track to fully recover from her injuries.

“She said I might have headaches for a few weeks,” Emily said, her voice suddenly soft. She hesitated for a few seconds, like she was holding something back. But then she continued, “But that’s nothing new for me.”

Alison suddenly realized:

 _Right. She’s done this before_ …

Emily had been through most of this when she’d lost her vision. She bit her lip so hard she tasted blood.

“What did she say about the nausea and the difficulty concentrating?” Alison questioned, sounding like a worried mother.

There was a pause before she answered.

“It’s not…” Her voice drifted off, almost like the phone was cutting out, but Alison could still hear the background noises of the doctor’s office loud and clear.

“Em?”

“Yeah. Sorry. There’s a lot happening.” She finally spoke again.

Alison heard an edge in her tone, and she suddenly wished she’d gone with her to help remind her that hospitals and doctor’s offices weren’t anything to fear.

“They’re not worried about the concussion. It’s healing fine. The difficulty concentrating and my trouble sleeping is part of it. It should get better.” She paused again. “Though some of it is psychological…from the attack.”

Alison’s emotions flooded her. Her anger, her empathy, her fear…all wrapped up in a tight little package ready to ignite and explode. She was still getting used to all these feelings. She’d nearly gone through the glass at Ben when the police had brought him in for them to pick him out of a line-up two days ago. Emily had been eerily calm when they’d had her try to identify his voice. It was almost unnerving how stoic she’d been since the morning after the attack.

“God, I still can’t believe this happened.” Alison moved her mouth in a grinding fashion. “He’s gonna pay for this. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Her voice got quiet again.

There was a pause, and then some weird static on the line. After a second Alison realized it was someone calling for her.

“I’ve got to go.”

“Everything okay?” Alison asked warily.

“Everything is fine.” She was still trying to adjust to Alison fawning over her. “They’re bringing my discharge papers. I’m being sprung from the joint.” She tried to lighten the mood.

“Are you coming to school today?” Alison knew it was selfish of her to push her to come back if she wasn’t ready, but she didn’t like the days without her.

“Yeah, I’ll be there. I’m going to stop to get us some breakfast. Want your regular?”

_Wheatgrass toast with egg whites and a side of Emily._

“Yes, please.”

An hour later they were sharing breakfast together. Alison could see a little bit of a difference in her girl. Emily was starting to get her bearings back. It helped that they were getting closer.

They took it slow and they were discreet as the days went by, holding hands when all eyes weren’t on them, sneaking a touch here and there at lunch, slipping away to kiss behind the bleachers at school.

They had a secret rendezvous in Emily’s kitchen when the rest of the girls were studying in the living room and another intense make-out session at Alison’s house before Alison’s parents had come home from their work day. They were sniping at one another before they even walked through the door.

It had been Emily who had heard the sound of the closing car doors. They’d both popped up on the couch and tried to straighten their clothes. Emily reached out and called to Ace, who sat up by her side. Alison ran her fingers through her hair and then frantically grabbed her bookbag, dumping the contents of it out to make it look like they’d been studying. She grabbed a random textbook and flipped it open just as the front door swung open. Alison’s mother Jessica walked in. Her dad Kenneth was right behind her.

“Oh, hello girls.” Jessica put her purse down.

Kenneth just muttered and waved as he walked through the living room and into the kitchen. He wasn’t a very sociable guy. Emily had only spoken to him once at the police station when she and Alison went in to identify Ben. Her mother had been polite, but her father was gruff and irritable. She got creepy vibes from him. She really didn’t like him.

He mumbled something about dog hair and then disappeared. Alison rubbed her face in embarrassment. She waited, in vain, for her mother to apologize for her father’s faux pas, but Jessica just ignored his hostility. She glanced at Ace. Her parents weren’t exactly “pet” people, but they knew Ace was not just a regular dog so they let it slide.

“What are you studying?” Jessica questioned.

“Anatomy.” Emily smirked. She felt Alison pinch her.

Her parents still didn’t know about her relationship with Emily. They didn’t care that she liked girls, but Alison knew they’d start treating Emily differently if they knew they were dating. Or…kind of dating. They still weren’t sure what they wanted to label it, but it was definitely heating up.

Alison was a little bit worried about how her parents would react to her dating a blind girl from a military family. In their eyes Emily wasn’t exactly the prestigious princess they imagined for Alison. They looked down on anyone who didn’t have the same stature they had in life. But her mom seemed to like Emily. And Jason had already told Alison that if she ever did act on her feelings for Emily he’d back her up.

“Anatomy.” Jessica sounded excited about the idea. Doctors made a lot of money, which is the only language her parents knew how to speak. “Are you interested in pursuing medicine, Emily?”

“I’m…exploring.” Emily continued to tread dangerously close to exposing them. She slipped her fingertips against Alison’s thigh discreetly, “…my options. I have a lot of them.”

She _knew_ Alison was glaring at her. She could feel the intense heat radiating off of her.

“Fantastic, dear.” Jessica kept the conversation shallow. She always did. “Keep up the good work.”

She shuffled up the stairs. They heard the back door open and then close. Alison’s dad had slipped out on to the back deck to sneak a drink.

“Oh my God, what was that?” Alison playfully slapped her hand, which was now sliding against her inner thigh. _Keep fucking going, Fields. I dare you._

“Just a friendly conversation.” Emily shrugged innocently.

“Emily Fields, that was _anything_ but friendly. That was verging on flat out telling her we’re running off to Paris to get married. You’re lucky my parents are so dense.”

“Admit it, you’re turned on right now.” Emily knew sneaking around made Alison hot under the collar…and elsewhere. The brunette lifted her brow and bit her lip seductively.

“That…” Alison stared at Emily’s lips, “…that is so not the point.”

Emily moved forward, her fingers squeezing Alison’s inner thigh. Her skin was scorching. And she didn’t realize it, but Alison’s panties were so damp. She reached up with the palm of her other hand and cupped Alison’s face. Emily had a grin on her face that Alison couldn’t resist. She moved forward and pressed her lips against Emily’s. She gripped her waist with one hand and the side of Emily’s neck with her other. For a few seconds Alison forgot her parents were home. She started to move her legs up on to the couch.

She pushed forward. Emily was impressed that she was being so bold, but at the same time the last thing she wanted was for Alison’s mom or dad to walk in and find them making out on the couch. But all of her thoughts went out the window when she felt Alison’s hand sliding up the ridges of her abs towards her left breast. She stopped on the underside of Emily’s bra.

Every time they were together Alison made it a point to make sure she wasn’t going too far. Because sometimes she could feel Emily’s body get tight in tension when they got hot and heavy, and though Emily didn’t say anything Alison knew it was because she was thinking about what had happened in the locker room. And she never wanted to go too far. Not until Emily was ready.

“Is this okay?” Alison uttered against Emily’s lips, their mouths still moving together in a slow and delicate manner.

“Mmhmm.” The vibration of Emily’s throaty reply against her lips made Alison’s thighs twitch.

Alison traced her fingers over the front of the lacy material and then gently flattened her palm over her bra. She delicately squeezed her breast while simultaneously slipping her thumb underneath the fabric and pressed it against the hot skin underneath.

Emily sucked on Alison’s bottom lip and moved her palm up Alison’s shirt, her long fingertips curving around her side, gripping the most ticklish part of her ribs. She felt Alison shiver, her body trembling in delight. Both of them were starting to feel the heat rising between them. Emily slowly moved her hand up to mirror Alison’s actions. She stopped for a brief moment when she heard a clunk upstairs. Alison’s mother kicking off her high heels.

Alison smirked against Emily’s lips. The noise had halted Emily’s motions, but it only encouraged Alison to go further. There was a dangerous eroticism that came from knowing her parents could walk in at any moment. Emily slowly relaxed again and started to move her palm towards Alison’s breast. She stopped, but before she could ask for permission Alison breathlessly muttered,

“You’re fine. I’m good.” She managed to keep the _“please just fucking touch me”_ she had on the tip of her tongue at bay.

Emily cupped her bra, her fingers curling over the top portion and dipping below the fabric. Her wrist came to rest between Alison’s bosom. She could feel her heart beating fast against the pulse point on her wrist. It was a tantalizing feeling. Emily exhaled heavily against Alison’s jaw. She heard more rustling around upstairs, but she was too caught up in the moment with Alison to care. It was only when Alison slowly pushed her to lie back and pressed their bodies flush together that Emily disconnected their lips.

“Ali…” Her voice came out a harsh whisper, “…your parents.”

Alison laughed and then gently pecked her lips.

“You started it.” She sat back up.

Emily gave her a smile that was half innocent and half coy. It was something that only Emily Fields was capable of doing. Being angelic, yet devious at the same time. Alison had to fight hard not to pounce on her again. Emily’s smile warmed something inside of her. She was so in love with her that it wasn’t even funny.

They heard the back door slam. Alison frowned. Her parents were bad enough when they were sober. She didn’t want Emily around her dad when he was drunk. She grabbed her hand and moved to stand up, pulling Emily with her.

“Let’s go for a walk,” she suggested. If she didn’t cool down she was going to rip Emily’s clothes off, whether her parents were home or not.

Emily didn’t argue. She’d follow the girl to the ends of the Earth. She grabbed Ace’s leash and they both put on their coats and strolled out of the house. Even though Emily had Ace to lead her, Alison took advantage of the fact that she could casually look like she was helping her along by locking their arms together and gripping her hand. It was nice to be able to be close to her. She loved feeling the heat from her body.

Emily could feel the heat of the sun disappearing, but she still felt Alison’s warm body pressed against hers. They walked for a little while, just talking about little things. Dreams and goals and aspirations for the future. Things they liked to do in their free time. What they wanted out of college. Some of their favorite memories. They could talk about everything and nothing for hours and it felt like no time had gone by.

After a while, Emily was curious about where they were. She’d been trying to listen to Alison, so she had only halfway been paying attention to the other surrounding noises. It seemed pretty quiet. She heard the occasional rustling of the wind, but not much else.

“Since you’re leading this train do you want to tell me where we’re going?”

“I honestly didn’t have an idea at first.” Alison shrugged with a smile. “I just wanted some alone time with you. But then I let my mind go and just let my heart lead me and I realized I was bringing you back to where all of this started.”

“All of…what?”

“Us.”

Emily beamed hearing Alison refer to them as an “us”. She’d wanted to hear that since they first met.

“The park?” Emily guessed.

“Our bench.” Alison stopped walking.

With dusk setting in the temperature was dropping, so there weren’t many people out. And their bench was somewhat secluded from the more populated areas of the park anyway.

Emily leaned over with a warm smile on her face and pressed her forehead against Alison’s. She reached up and grasped her cheeks. Their lips met in a sweet tender kiss.

“Should have guessed by the terrain and the uneven pavement.” Emily felt around to sit down.

Alison sat next to her, snuggling up against her.

“You know, when I first saw you sitting here I knew there was something special about you.”

“Stop.” Emily scoffed.

“No. Seriously. You just had this really warm air around you. And then…you smiled.” Alison still got goosebumps when she thought about the first time she’d seen Emily smile. “And I knew I had to know you. Your smile, Em…I can’t even begin to explain to describe what it does to me.”

“Oh, really?” Emily lifted her brows in curiosity, smiling at her…on purpose.

“Stop that.” But Alison didn’t really mean it.

“You were kind of cute, fumbling around…not sure what to say to me.” She reached up and put her arm around Alison’s shoulders.

“You still do that to me, you know.”

“I know.” Emily laughed.

Alison closed her eyes and soaked in hearing her laugh. She reached up to stroke her face and her nail grazed the bruise on her cheek. She saw Emily flinch. She huffed out a quiet “ah”.

“Still sore?” Alison moved her hand down to the side of her neck.

“Not when I’m with you.” Emily quipped back quickly.

Alison rolled her eyes. She was in love with a sap.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder.

She laid against Emily watching the sunset, giving her a play-by-play as the colors in the sky changed from blues and purples to reds and oranges. Alison’s focus was split between the beautiful hues in the sky and the colors of the sunset against Emily’s face.

She had a hard time looking away from Emily to describe what she was watching in the sky. She glanced at the reflection in Emily’s sunglasses. It was like looking into a mirror, a dimension Alison would be happy to be pulled into. She told Emily exactly what she saw. The way the clouds looked like roaring embers rolling into a sea of dark pink waves. The way the colors contrasted the surrounding trees, making them look like beautiful shadows of themselves. And the way the sun, as bright as it was, couldn’t compare to the lights it had created in the sky.

Alison laced her fingers into Emily’s and moved her other hand up to caress her uninjured cheek. Emily smiled and their lips naturally found one another. Alison couldn’t get enough of kissing her, of holding her, of touching her. The way it made her feel was indescribable. When they were together like this, in the quiet moments…they were in their own little world.

Two days later something happened that made their little love bubble come to a screeching halt. The police precinct called Emily’s parents because they needed Emily to come in so they could go over all of the testimony and evidence once more. Ben had been smart enough to ditch the knife, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be tried for using the weapon on Emily.

His parents were convinced that their son was just “confused” by Emily’s signals or that Emily somehow got things mixed up. That infuriated Emily’s mom and dad. On the drive to the precinct Emily could literally feel her dad’s anger radiating off of his body from the front seat, like a hot oven that had just been opened. Her mother was putting off a nervous energy that off-set Wayne’s anger. Wayne was muttering to himself from the front seat about how he was going to crack some skulls while Pam played the peacemaker, trying to help him qualm his rage.

Emily nervously curled her fingers into Ace’s fur and fiddled with his lead. She felt the bump of the speedhump as they pulled into the station. She kept squeezing Ace’s fur, opening and closing her fist in his hair, feeling the soft fur moving with her touch. She knew she was covered in his hair, but she didn’t care.

“Oh, I didn’t realize the DiLaurentis family was going to be here, too.” Pam glanced at Alison standing on the curb with her parents, who looked to be in some form of heated discussion.

Emily was surprised to hear it, because Alison was eighteen and she didn’t need to have her parents around for the questioning. Then again, Alison had told her yesterday morning that Spencer’s mother suggested they go with her for legal purposes. Alison had been completely against the idea. But apparently her parents had other ideas.

Alison was supposed to call her to let her know what her family decided, but she hadn’t heard from her last night. She’d tried calling her but the call had gone to voicemail.

Emily squirmed in the back seat nervously, mentally trying to prepare herself for the questioning. She told herself it wouldn’t be that bad. That at least Alison was here, too. She tried to tell herself she was just overthinking things, and that it would be over before she knew it. But thinking something and actually believing it were two different things. She had gotten herself so worked up in thought that her breathing pattern had quickened. Pam heard it first.

“Em? You okay back there?” She asked, knowing the answer to the question was a big fat “no”, but asking anyway.

Emily could hear his dark laughs, could feel his hands, could smell his musty odor. She could see the face he’d taken on in her nightmares.

 _“Not so tough now, are you?”_ He’d growled.

“I’m fine, mom,” Emily said in a curt manner, not trying to be rude, but trying to keep herself from having a complete meltdown.

 _“Not even if I was the last person on Earth, huh?”_ She could hear him taunting her in her head.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this today.” Pam frowned, glancing in the rearview mirror.

Emily’s face had blanched. Her jaw was tight. Pam could see the stress on her daughter’s face…in her posture. She could _feel_ it. It killed her, because she couldn’t take her child’s pain away.

“It has to be today. They can’t hold him any longer.” Wayne quickly disagreed. “We can’t let him walk. I don’t want to think about him roaming the streets of this town while I’m…”

 _“How about that lesson…”_ Ben’s sharp harsh voice cut off her dad’s voice.

Emily seized and then gasped.

“Stop the car.” She couldn’t take it any longer. It felt like the walls were closing in on her. She needed to get out.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, baby girl.” Wayne quickly pulled the car over.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. I just need to get some air before I go in.” Emily fumbled with the door handle. She gripped her cane and let Ace step out first. “Why don’t you guys go park? I’ll meet you inside the station.”

Before either one of them could object she was shutting the door and shuffling off to the sidewalk. She moved around to the side of the building, not quite ready to go in yet. Alison saw her and Ace going around the corner and she followed them. She could see the tension in her gait. She was gripping Ace’s lead like she was afraid to let go, and she was barely using her cane, which was unlike her.

“Em?” Alison said as she approached her. “Hey.”

“You’re here.” Just hearing her voice made Emily feel a little more at ease.

Emily’s cane hit the edge of a bench. She sat down. Her hands were shaking. She could barely keep her grip on Ace’s lead and her cane.

Alison sat next to her.

“Yeah, I told my parents to go on inside. They’re in there with my Aunt Veronica.”

Spencer’s mom. Emily had heard she wasn’t just a shark. She was the thing that sharks _feared_.

“She’s doing the legal counsel for us as a favor to the family. I asked mom and dad to go in to give you a bit of space. I didn’t want you feeling crowded.” Alison drifted off.

She knew that today was going to be hard on Emily. And this was just the start of it. She was going to be expected to recount what happened to her over and over again. And if Ben’s family had their way they would be taking this before a jury.

“God, Ali, I’m so sorry you’re mixed up in this…”

“Hey, I’ll gladly tell the cops, a judge, a jury, _anyone_ who will listen what a fucking slimeball Ben is and what he did. Toby and I have your back. To the end of the line.”

Emily smiled, a quiet timid smile that Alison had never really seen her wear before. Emily was always so sure of herself. So confident. This had _really_ rattled her, and that pissed Alison off.

“How are your mom and dad handling all of this?” Emily asked.

“Mostly apathetic. They’re used to me and Jason being in trouble. And for once I’m on the right side of the law. But they haven’t really been focused on me. They’ve mostly just been really bitchy about Jason using Noel’s face as a punching bag.”

“Jason got into a fight with Noel?” This was news to her.

“He found out that Noel is the one who strained my wrist. Spencer’s big mouth.” She rolled her eyes, though a part of her was happy that Jason had punched his stupid face.

Jason probably would have gone after Ben, too…had he not already been apprehended by the cops. Even though Emily wasn’t his sister, he was really fucking pissed off about what Ben had done to Emily. It just fueled his fire that Ben had hit Alison, too. He was on a rampage.

“Noel isn’t going to be bothering us anymore. And he won’t press charges against my brother either, if he knows what’s good for him. He knows he was in the wrong.”

That much she knew. One advantage of knowing the enemy so well is that she knew their limits. Though she had been wrong about Ben. He had been far more dangerous than she’d ever known. But Noel was different than Ben. He always had been. He was an absolute asshole, but he wasn’t a complete savage. He knew when to back off. And now that Jason had reminded him with a not-so-subtle nudge that Alison was not someone to be messed with, Noel would definitely keep his distance.

“Jason didn’t get hurt, did he?” Emily asked.

“Hell, no.” Alison laughed. “My brother is a screw up in a lot of ways, but he knows how to throw a punch. He’s been boxing since we were kids. He went all Mike Tyson on him. It was pretty gnarly. He messed him up.” She frowned with a sigh. “Boys and their fists.”

She’d never been a fan of the macho bravado that boys seemed to have, but in this instance she was glad her brother had stepped in.

“Does Noel still have both of his ears?” Emily couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah.” Alison chuckled lightly. “He didn’t do any _real_ damage to him. But it still pissed my parents off because he’s got a prior. DUI. And he wouldn’t tell them what set him off, so my house was like a combat zone yesterday. That’s why I never got a chance to call you last night. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How are you?” Alison asked.

“Um, I don’t know.” Emily played with Ace’s leash nervously.

She felt Alison put her hands on top of hers. They were warm and smooth. They were like a stream of calm water washing away her anxiety.

“You’re not going to be alone in there.” Alison assured her.

Emily was too lost in thought to answer. She couldn’t focus. Alison didn’t have to see behind her sunglasses in order to know that her mind was racing. To get her attention Alison carefully put her palm against Emily’s face. She moved her cheek towards her, a motion she’d been using a lot lately. It was a movement that let Emily know she was going to kiss her. Emily leaned forward and their lips met, but only for a few seconds. Emily curled her fingers into Alison’s, her lips still hovering over Alison’s.

“Our parents might see…”

“I don’t care about that right now.” Alison caressed her face.

The swelling on Emily’s face from where Ben had slammed her into the lockers had gone down, but the bruise was still there. Fading, but there. And seeing it made Alison decide that if she crossed paths with him today during the questioning she was going to choke him with his own handcuffs until he was dead, or until the police pulled her away kicking and screaming…and biting.

“Besides, do you really think your dad doesn’t know? Isn’t he in Special Ops? He probably saw this coming before we did.”

Emily laughed. Wayne had definitely caught wind of her crush long before their kiss at Spring Cove and before they were making out in Alison’s living room. He’d been teasing her about her crush since the day he found out about Alison.

They sat in silence for a few seconds, the two of them trying to keep their nerves in check. Alison saw Emily biting her lip. She could tell something was bothering her, but Emily wasn’t someone who talked about her feelings willingly. Alison had to give her a little push.

“Em, what is it?” Alison asked.

“My parents want me to see a therapist about the assault.”

“What do you want to do?”

Though she knew what Emily wanted. She knew that seeing a shrink would probably make Emily feel vulnerable and out of control, because she’d have to continue to relive it. And all she wanted to do was move forward.

“I want to go back to before all of this happened.” She fiddled with her sunglasses. “I honestly just want to get through today. And then I’ll decide on what I want to do next.”

“Well whatever you decide to do, nothing you decide is wrong. It’s _your_ life,” Alison reminded her.

“Not for another six and a half months.” Emily disagreed. “Until I turn 18 my parents still have a say in what I do.” There seemed to be a strange hesitance in her tone.

“Well, how heavy are they pushing this shrink?”

“Mom has been pushing more than dad. I think she believes she can get me balanced again. I think she’s worried that with this and my dad leaving next week I’ll have a psychotic break or something.”

“God, next week? That seems so soon.” Alison touched Emily’s arm.

“It always does.” Emily muttered.

Alison had learned that Hanna was right – Emily shut down when it came to her dad leaving. It was a self-preservation instinct. And Alison didn’t push it, because she didn’t want to push her away. Plus, she sure as hell wouldn’t want to talk about her parents going into an active combat zone.

“Therapy never seems to help. After Maya died the therapy only made it worse.”

Alison froze. She wasn’t sure what to say. Emily still hadn’t clarified what she’d told her in the hospital. And Alison hadn’t brought it up because they had both been through so much in the past few days that it felt like scratching at an old wound. She didn’t want to make Emily feel worse. That didn’t mean she hadn’t tried googling Maya. But all she knew was the girl’s name and the cities that Emily had used to live in. There had been way too many names to sort through.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alison tried to prompt her, but giving her a way to decline as well. She didn’t want Emily to feel trapped today, of all days.

Emily thought it over, but then shook her head with a sigh. She was dealing with too much to drudge up her history right now. She didn’t say much of anything after that. Alison could tell how hard it was for her, despite the fact that she tried to pretend it was nothing. They went into the station together. They each had to give their statements separately, but other than that they stayed close.

Everything was going fine until Ben’s parents ran into the Fields family and the DiLaurentis family in the lobby. Then all hell broke loose.

Ben’s parents approached Emily’s parents. Ace guided Emily off to the side, like he could sense the tension. She sat down on a bench. Alison followed her to make sure she was okay. Emily blocked out a lot of what was being said, but then she heard Ben’s mother trying to downplay it in order to get the cops to go lighter on her boy.

“I’m sure this has just all been a misunderstanding…” Ben’s mother, the tiny thing that she was, tried to play the peacemaker. Of course she couldn’t believe that her son was a monster.

Emily took a breath. This was what she’d been afraid of. That people wouldn’t believe her story, even with witnesses and evidence. She reached for Alison’s hand. Alison took it immediately.

“A _misunderstanding_?” Wayne’s chest puffed out defensively. “Look at my daughter’s face!”

He motioned to the remnants of the bruise on her cheek, which was now a shade of brownish-purple. Hearing her dad yell made Emily flinch. Alison squeezed her fingers.

 _I’m here, Em._ She was silently telling her. _You’re not alone._

“Um…” The young cop sitting behind the desk stood up. He looked like he was about twelve. The poor kid was probably fresh out of the police academy and he already had a bar brawl on his hands, and his back-up was at lunch. The precinct was mostly empty. “Is everything okay?”

“Wayne…” Pam put her palm on Wayne’s bicep, her fingers curling against his arm, ready to hold him back if it came to it.

“Your _son_ gave her those bruises!” Wayne yelled. “Not to mention the emotional impact the assault has caused…”

Emily cringed and Alison squeezed her hand again. And again, Pam pulled her husband back a few inches. She had her small fingers wrapped around his bulging arm. The tendons in his neck were large and tight.

The cop behind the desk watched the entire thing unfold, unsure of what to do.

“He’d just had a little bit too much to drink.” Ben’s dad replied.

“That’s not an excuse, Nick.” Wayne growled. He looked like he was ready to pummel Ben’s parents.

“Dad…” Emily called calmly, trying to get him to calm down.

“Let’s try to be civil here.” Ben’s mom saw the rage in Wayne’s eyes. She knew that the man could take her husband down in one fell swoop.

“ _Civil_?” Wayne’s hands balled into tight fists. He was extremely close to throwing a punch. “Your son attacked my daughter! And you’re standing here telling me that it’s a misunderstanding, that ‘boys will be boys’ and that…that’s fucking bullshit.”

Alison watched in surprise. Weren’t people in the army supposed to have controlled reactions?

“Wayne Michael Fields.” Pam growled under her breath. “Not here and not today.”

Alison watched the conversation in curiosity. Wayne seemed to be heading the charge, but the reality was that Emily’s mother was leading. Wayne took a breath and unclenched his fists.

“Ben says that your daughter struck him first. Busted his lip.” Ben’s dad claimed. “There is an entire group of students who witnessed it.”

“Well, perhaps had he and Noel Kahn not threatened the girls that night Emily wouldn’t have felt the need to defend herself from your _son’s_ advances.” Wayne hissed out the word ‘son’ like it was a poisonous venom.

“Hey, uh, let’s all just…take it easy here…” The little pimply cop moved closer to the fight, his hands visibly shaking.

He’d probably never even written a traffic ticket, much less broken apart a fight.

 _God, someone is going to get shot today._ Alison shook her head. Or at the very least, tased.

“Jessica, are you just going to stand there and let them drag Ben’s name through the mud like this? You know Ben. You know he wouldn’t do this. He dated your daughter for God’s sake!” Ben’s mother pleaded with Alison’s mom.

Alison’s neck whipped up. Had Ben told her that? Was he delusional or just a big fucking liar? They’d never even come close to dating. They’d shared a few drunken kisses, but never anything more. He wasn’t even a good kisser. His desperation rolled off of him in waves.

“That is such bullshit. We never…”

“Alison.” Her mother hissed. “Not another word…” She didn’t have to add, _“without our lawyer”_ to the end of her sentence. Alison knew that’s what was on her mind.

“We both know that she would say anything to stay out of trouble.” Ben’s mom shot a dirty look at Alison.

“That’s not true.” Emily quickly came to Alison’s defense.

Alison felt Emily’s hand trembling with rage.

“They’ve practically been glued at the hip since ninth grade.” Ben’s mom scoffed.

“What exactly are you insinuating about my daughter?” Jessica snapped.

“Probably that she takes after you.” Alison’s dad muttered under his breath.

“Why don’t you have another drink, Kenneth…” Jessica glared angrily at him.

“Jesus, no wonder Ben has gotten so messed up in this. Hanging around with people like _them_?” Ben’s dad snorted.

Emily’s cheeks felt hot with anger. Because how dare they try to spin this around on Alison? Ben had completely blindsided her that day in the locker room and she’d gone into shock after he’d smashed her head against the lockers. It was only because Alison and Toby had intervened that he hadn’t gotten any further with her. Ben was the one who should be being reamed out and criticized. Ben was the one who was in the wrong here. And his parents were _still_ standing here defending him and trying to blame someone else?

“Alison is not the one on trial here.” It was Wayne who came to her defense first.

Emily couldn’t help but smile, because her dad was always there when she needed him. Alison gave Pam and Wayne a tiny little appreciative smile. Pam nodded with a very small smile of her own. She had warmed to Alison after she found out that she had put herself between Ben and Emily when he attacked her.

“Exactly. Don’t try to push your boy’s bad behavior off on my daughter. Alison doesn’t participate in such boorish things.” Jessica scoffed.

“Yes, we already have that position filled in our family.” Kenneth glared daggers at Jessica.

“I said I’d handle this.” Jessica snarled at him through her teeth.

“Oh, yeah? Like you handled Jason’s DUI last year? Who you gonna fuck to get out of this one?”

Alison felt like crawling in a hole and dying. She squeezed Emily’s hand. A small voice that Emily barely recognized came out of Alison’s mouth.

“You’re drunk, daddy.”

Where had he even gotten his hands on alcohol in a police precinct? Bastard had probably slipped a flask in or something.

“Hey, watch it. You still live under my roof, which means you respect your father.” Kenneth frowned at Alison.

She flinched, and Emily felt it in her bones.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.” The young cop moved in front of Kenneth, swallowing so hard that his Adam’s apple bobbed.

“I _am_ fucking calm.” Kenneth argued belligerently. “And don’t tell me how to talk to my kid.”

Alison flinched again, because when he got angry and drunk bad things happened. Emily felt Alison’s hand tighten around hers. It was more than just shock. It was fear. And feeling Alison crumbling was the last straw. Something inside of the brunette snapped.

“Can everyone who was not there that day please just shut up?” She’d meant for it to come out harsh, but it came out as a rumbling yell.

All of the adults glanced at Emily in surprise.

“Talk about respect.” Ben’s father scoffed, not even skipping a beat. “You’d never catch my son talking back to me like that.”

Rage was pooling in Emily’s veins. She could hear Ben in her head, and now she believed the things he’d said about his father,

_“My dad says that lesbos are just chicks who haven’t had a proper fucking yet.”_

“Yeah, you and your fists make sure of that, don’t you?” Emily replied angrily.

Because Ben was a product of his upbringing, and his father was the reason he was a psychopath. He should be locked up, too.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Ben’s mom quickly jumped to her husband’s defense. “Those kind of accusations can seriously damage someone’s life, young lady. Just like what you’re doing to my Benny…”

“It’s not an accusation if it’s true.” Emily didn’t stop. She pushed herself to her feet.

“Em…” Alison grasped her arm, trying to stop her.

Emily shook her off. She’d heard enough. She wasn’t going to stand idly by while Ben’s parents talked shit about her and Alison.

“You know, I’m beginning to question your intentions here. Are you certain that you didn’t just misread the situation?” Ben’s mom moved towards her.

Pam had to physically hold Wayne back from putting himself in between them, which would have been a comical sight to see any other day because of their height difference, but the intensity of the situation just made it chilling.

“Honey…” Pam said quietly. “She’s got this.”

They’d taught Emily self-respect, discipline, and when and how to stand up for herself. They knew she could speak for herself, no matter how much they wanted to tell the Coogans off.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot, Mrs. Coogan,” Emily said calmly.

“I’m simply stating that it wouldn’t be entirely impossible for you to get things mixed up, what with you being blind and all.” She flippantly flicked her hand towards Emily’s sunglasses.

Emily felt the motion, but didn’t flinch. Alison saw red. She wanted to rip Ben’s mother’s arms off. But she waited. She watched Emily’s cues instead.

“This is all a little dramatic, don’t you think?” Ben’s mom asked.

 _Murder in a police station is not feasible. Murder in a police station is not feasible._ Alison chanted in her head.

“From what I remember, you and Benny were very friendly when you were younger. He said you two kissed…”

“I didn’t want it then.” Emily interrupted her. “And I didn’t want it when he pinned me to the lockers and tried to _rape_ me.” Emily drew the word out, making sure that Ben’s mother really understood what her son had done. “You _son_ attacked me. He forcibly kissed me when I repeatedly told him ‘no’. He slammed my head against the lockers, nearly broke my arm. He held me down, _ripped_ my pants off and touched me when I begged him not to.” Her hands were shaking in rage. She couldn’t fight back then. But she sure as hell could now. “Then he threatened me with a knife, pulled his pants down, forced himself against me, and tried to _rape_ me. If Alison and Toby hadn’t showed up when they did he would have forced himself on me and raped me.”

Wayne’s face was cherry red. He looked like a bull ready to charge. Pam was biting back tears. Jessica glanced back at Alison and they shared a sympathetic look. Ben’s mom looked flustered, but his dad looked unbothered.

“Alison isn’t the problem here. You’re not going to turn this on her. Or me. Your _son_ is the problem.”

“My Benny would never…”

“Oh shut up, Connie. Can’t you see it’s pointless trying to reason with a hysterical woman? You should know that better than anyone. We’ll just settle it in court.” Ben’s dad snapped at the smaller woman.

“So that’s where your son learned to treat girls like he treated my daughter,” Wayne said snidely.

“Well, maybe if you taught your daughter how to act like a proper lady instead of flaunting herself in front of the boys like some little harlot…”

Despite Wayne’s anger it was Pam who finally blew her top. She went from quiet and meek to a super-charged angry Mama-bear in seconds.

“That’s enough, Nick!” Pam yelled. “Your son belongs behind bars.” She glared at the Coogans. “Something tells me he’s better off there. It’s no surprise that with parents like you he turned into such a little shit.”

“Mom…” Emily uttered, her jaw dropping in shock.

Her mother wasn’t one to lose her temper, and she certainly wasn’t one to swear openly in front of other adults. Emily had heard her say the occasional ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ when she burned her hand or stubbed her toe, but she never casually threw it into conversations and she _never_ directed it at other people.

“If I hear one more word from either of you trying to blame my daughter or Alison I will tear you and your entire family apart in court. You better hope it doesn’t get that far. Your son _hurt_ my child…and he hurt _their_ child, too.” She motioned to Jessica and Kenneth, but leaned more towards Jessica, because she was the sober one. “And you trying to victim shame my daughter and make your son into some kind of misunderstood sad sack…ends. _Right now_. If you’re looking for someone to blame why don’t you start with yourselves? And your _own_ kid? He will get _everything_ that is coming to him and more. Because _nobody_ hurts my child and gets away with it.”

Pam’s rant left Ben’s parents speechless. Pam huffed and walked towards the door in a mad fury. Wayne quickly followed her out to defuse her before she blew up at some poor rookie in the parking lot. Kenneth wandered into a corner, not really having much to add. Jessica smiled, impressed, as she watched Pam disappear. She faced Ben’s parents with a smirk.

“Nick, Connie, if you don’t drop this ridiculous countersuit you’ll be hearing from _our_ lawyer _very_ soon.” Jessica turned towards Kenneth. “Kenneth, keys.” She flipped her fingers in irritation.

Kenneth didn’t argue. One pissed off woman was all he could handle right now. He fished his keys out of his pocket.

“We’ll bring the car around, Alison.” She pulled the drunken man towards the exit.

Ben’s parents were still standing in the hallway in shock. Alison gently took Emily’s cane from her and looped her arm around Emily’s.

“Come on, Em,” Alison said. “Let’s go.”

They walked out of the police station, leaving the Coogans to choke on their words. Alison could feel Emily shaking. But it wasn’t nerves anymore. It was anger. Her muscles were bulging, just like her dad’s. Her body was stiff and taut.

“You okay?” Alison asked as they walked outside.

“I think his parents are worse than he is.” Emily ground her teeth together.

“Your mom is a fucking badass.” Alison smiled.

“Yeah, I had no idea she had that in her.” There was a beat of silence and then Emily curled her hand tighter against Alison’s. “Are you going to be okay going home?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Emily’s stance loosened.

“Ali, I felt you jump when your dad lost control.” Emily turned towards her. She’d been more than just startled. She’d been reliving a memory. Emily reached up to touch her cheek. “He doesn’t…does he hit you?”

“Not since I was eight.” Alison answered, biting her lip. She didn’t like talking about it. No one knew about it, not even Spencer.

“But he used to?” Emily said quietly, not sure if she was more saddened or angry at the revelation.

“Just a couple of times when I was younger when he got really drunk. He used to hit my mom, too.”

Alison felt her heart beating faster as she thought about it. She didn’t really go down that particular road on memory lane very often. It felt so long ago.

“When Jason found out he laid him out. He beat the ever-living shit out of him and told him if he ever touched me or mom again that he’d kill him.” A pained smile came across her face. “And he was telling him this as dad was being loaded into an ambulance and being hauled off to the hospital. The cops looked the other way and left my brother out of the report.”

She’d found that most respectable authority figures would let beatings of perpetrators go when it involved women and children. Alison rubbed her fingers against Emily’s fingers and squeezed her hand. Emily squeezed back.

“He got his drinking under control for a little while, but then he went back to it. But he never laid a finger on me or my mom again.” She sighed, shuffling her feet uncomfortably. “My family is complicated, Emily. You know, we put on this show. We do these big huge charity events, these fashion mixers, go on cruises together. But it’s all fake. My mom is too proud to ever leave my dad. And my dad knows he wouldn’t ever find anyone else to put up with his shit. And my brother…he’s an asshole. But his heart is in the right place.” Most of the time. “And me, I…I’m far from perfect. I’m a screw up in so many ways…”

“No, you’re not.” Emily quickly shut down Alison’s self-hatred. “Alison, I’ve never met anyone like you before. I think you’re incredible.”

She unclasped her free hand from Alison’s grasp and reached out to touch her cheek. Alison pulled her glasses down and smiled when she saw her eyes. Emily moved forward first, cupping Alison’s face with a delicate touch that was somehow soft and commanding at the same time. Alison ran her palm up against Emily’s arm until she reached the nape of her neck.

The kiss didn’t last very long, but the few seconds their lips were touching felt like an eternity. Alison pushed her palm flat against Emily’s collar bone and sighed as their foreheads fell together.

“I really think I’m falling for you, Emily Fields.” Alison kissed the tip of Emily’s nose and then put her sunglasses back on for her.

“Be careful. You’re starting to sound like a girlfriend.” Emily teased.

Alison was starting to think that wouldn’t be the _worst_ thing in the world. For Emily to call her hers. For her to be able to kiss and love Emily whenever she wanted. If they had survived today being spectators to her parent’s antics and the revelation about her family and her dad being a jackass didn’t scare Emily maybe she wouldn’t run away screaming. Today’s antics were no worse than the holidays Alison spent with her family.

 _Holidays_.

That sparked something in her mind. Thanksgiving was right around the corner. She’d completely lost track of how fast time was going.

She knew Thanksgiving was bound to be a hard holiday for Emily since her dad was leaving just a few days before the holiday. Maybe they would go to Texas with him. Was that allowed? Alison felt selfish for hoping that it wasn’t, because she didn’t want Emily to leave. But she also didn’t want her to be sad on Thanksgiving. She knew the timing was shit, but she asked anyway.

“Hey, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

She thought her question would throw Emily off, but she jumped right into the conversation.

“Well, with dad leaving, my mom will probably just keep herself busy cooking for the poor or something.”

It was so very like Emily to leave herself out of the equation. Always thinking of others.

“No. _You_. What are _you_ doing?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“What do you think about spending it together?”

“You want our families to have Thanksgiving together?”

“After the shit show in there? Oh, God no. I’d never do that to you and your mother.” Alison huffed out a laugh. “My parents are…they’re terrible. I mean, that was PG compared to what our holidays at home look like. Dad always gets drunk and yells about politics and mom does nothing but complain about work and then cry into the gravy. They’re talking about going to Cape May to visit my dad’s father. But I told them I don’t want to go this year.”

“You’re not spending it with Spencer’s family?” Emily was surprised.

“My dad and his brother really don’t like one another. They’re half-brothers and there is always some kind of rivalry going on between them. They hated each other’s dads growing up. They don’t really talk much. They like to spend holidays as far away from each other as they can get. They’ll be out of town on their family cruise. They go every year.”

“Well, mom and I will probably do something for dad before he leaves.” Her throat tensed up at the thought of it. “Can’t go to the base to celebrate.” She seemed sad, and that made Alison sad. “I mean, we _could_ , but the first few days on base are usually pretty hectic, so it’s not like we’d get to spend any time with him. Mom is already talking about going up a week or so after he gets settled.”

“If you’re both going to be here, what if we just did a little get together with our friends and their families…if they’re not busy? I figure…you and your mom could use some company?” She’d heard that holidays when families were split were tough, though she’d always actually felt the opposite about her family.

Alison saw Emily’s face light up in delight.

“That’s a great idea. I’ll talk to mom. I bet she’d _love_ to cook. It would give her something to do. Her kitchen is her happy place.”

She’d always had a natural inclination to bake when her emotions were at an all-time high. It’s something Emily’s Grandmother had done, too. It was a strange form of control for the women in their family. It was a way to keep things in order.

“Hanna mentioned her mother isn’t planning anything. We could see if they want to come. And that Pastor Ted guy her mom has been dating, too.” Alison suggested.

“Yeah, Ted and Ashley, that’s a weird match.” Emily nodded with an odd look on her face. She smiled. “But she seems to like him and he seems nice.”

Emily was protective of Hanna’s mother, mostly because she’d been like a second mom to her. The summer that Hanna’s dad divorced her Ashley had spent nearly a month lounging around the house in tears. She’d basically let the girls do whatever they wanted. They’d had free range to eat all the processed sugars in the world and watch all the R-rated movies they wanted.

But they hadn’t been able to enjoy it because they knew Ashley was depressed. Hanna had taken it hard, too. After they split her dad had abandoned her. Emily had held her hand while she cried. But there wasn’t much either girl could do for Ashley. Grown up problems had been beyond their realm when they were little.

But one day Ashley had a revelation that they were better off without him. She’d taken Hanna out to buy an entire new wardrobe and they hadn’t looked back since. Hanna’s mom had been on her fair share of dates, but had always been wishy-washy about committing again. So the fact that she was committing to a Pastor, of all people, was strange. Then again, Emily couldn’t say anything, because she had fallen for Alison DiLaurentis faster than a snarky teenager in a John Green novel.

“We can invite Aria’s family, too. And Ezra. From what I heard he’s not on speaking terms with his mother, so I doubt he’s going to be spending the holidays with his family.” Alison was starting to realize that all families had their squabbles.

“Tell Jason he’s welcome to come, too.”

“Your mom will have to cook two turkeys if he accepts that invitation. His stomach is like a black hole. I don’t know how he stays so fit. He eats nothing but bacon and carbs.” She sounded irritated.

“He really is living the dream.” Emily chuckled.

They heard a car approaching, and a few seconds later Wayne pulled up next to the curb. The front seat was empty.

“Your parents or mine?” Emily asked.

“Just your dad.” Alison was confused. Had Pam gone off for round two with Ben’s parents? She looked around. She wanted to see that. She wanted to help Pam with it this time around.

“My mom isn’t with him?”

“No.”

“I better find out what’s going on.” Emily reached to take her cane from Alison. “I’ll call you later, okay?” She and Ace walked towards the car.

Emily opened the door and Ace hopped in the back seat. She crawled in next to him and shut the door.

“Where is mom?” Emily asked.

“She doubled back inside…”

“Oh, God. Please tell me she wasn’t going back to rip someone’s throat out.” Emily rubbed her temples.

“I wouldn’t stop her if she was going to,” Wayne said unapologetically. “But no. She just got so wound up that she forgot her purse.”

“I’ve…um…I’ve never seen her go off like that.” Emily admitted, a little intimidated, a little proud.

“Your Ma keeps it in check, but every so often she goes rogue. And I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of it, I’ll tell you that much. She doesn’t play when it comes to you. You know that.” Wayne turned around, his seat creaking as he did. He faced his daughter, putting his hand against her knee. “How are you doing, Emmy?”

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.” _It was worse._

“You never were very good at lying.” Wayne didn’t buy it.

Emily lowered her head and sighed.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to spend your last days in town dealing with this.”

“Hey, never apologize for something that’s not your fault. You are the most important thing in the world to your Ma and me. I’m just sorry it happened to you.” He rubbed her knee and then pulled his hand back.

Emily could tell he was still fighting his rage. She forced a weak smile on to her face. When her mother came out and got into the car neither one of them said anything to her. They could tell that she was still fuming. They had gotten halfway home before Emily found the courage to speak to her.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“Are you okay?”

“Of course I am.”

So Emily didn’t push it. But her mother was unbalanced the rest of the day. Emily could feel the tension in her household. And she was angry. She was angry at Ben and his family for causing her family’s stress. She was angry that the last few days she was going to be spending with her father before he left were going to have an undertone of uneasiness because of it.

Later that night when she was sitting at her desk listening to one of her lessons from school she could hear her mother walking back and forth by her door. She paused the recorder.

“Either come in or stay out there. You’re not a cat.” Emily moved her chair around so she was facing the bed.

She moved to the edge of her bed and seconds later she felt her mother’s footsteps getting closer.

“You’re hovering.” Emily stated the obvious.

“I am.” Pam nodded, her arms folded across her chest, her fingers rubbing her forearms nervously. “I’ve been wondering…have you given any more thought to talking to the psychologist?”

Emily answered with an uncomfortable shrug.

“It’s just…after everything that you went through…” Pam walked forward, “…everything you’re _going_ through…”

“Where’s dad?” Emily asked, interrupting her, still trying to shake off what had happened at the police station.

“In the garage beating on the heavy bag like it’s that boy’s face.” Pam sat down next to Emily. She reached out to scratch Ace’s head.

“To be honest, I was surprised today didn’t come to blows.” Emily nodded.

“I’m surprised no one threw a punch.” Pam agreed.

“I almost did.” Emily admitted.

“Well, the way you went after that boy’s parents, you’ve certainly got your father’s temper,” Pam said.

“That’s a shame.” Emily smiled. “I think yours is scarier.”

“That was…” Pam hadn’t meant to completely lose her composure like that. Her face turned bright red. “I shouldn’t have handled it in that manner.”

And her mom was back. The stiff upper lip always diplomatic “balance the scales” mom she’d grown up with.

“I was just _so_ angry at them. For them to defend what he did…”

Emily felt her shake her head. She could tell that her mother was clenching her fists. She reached out and rubbed her palm against her mom’s arm. Pam smiled at her daughter. She was so proud of the woman she’d become. Sometimes it was hard for her to embrace the fact that Emily wasn’t a baby anymore.

Emily had always had a mature presence. She had always been an old soul in a young body. But to actually watch her becoming an adult was something that Pam and Wayne weren’t prepared for. They’d raised her, and no matter what she would always be their little baby. And Pam could see that her baby was unnerved, and that pissed her off. It made her want to rip Ben and his parents a new one.

“Mom, do you really think this could go to trial?” Emily asked.

“I don’t know.” She sighed. There was a pause and then she added softly, “But if it does, we need to be prepared for everything to come out. Lawyers dig and they find the most obscure things to hone in on.”

“This whole thing has been a nightmare.” Emily rubbed her forehead. She seemed dazed.

Pam reached up and moved some of her hair out of her face to try and get a better look at her. Emily had never been one to complain, but Pam knew when she wasn’t feeling well.

“Headache?” Pam questioned.

After the loss of her vision she’d had terrible headaches, but she always hid them from her parents. There was a lot she didn’t tell them. She had gotten very good at keeping her secrets guarded.

“No.” Emily quickly dropped her hand and shook her head. “No, I’m just worried about what this means for Toby…and Alison. Toby has a record. And with Ali…I just…I don’t want her to be dragged through the mud. I mean, if what happened at the police station today is any indicator they’re going to come at her hard. I don’t want that for her.”

“She seems like she’s a tough girl.” Pam tried to reassure her. “I’m sure she can handle it.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, though she knew that Alison was just as shaken as she was about the whole thing, maybe even more. “You’re probably right.”

“You two seem to be getting along very well.”

“We are.” A smile washed across Emily’s face. “She’s really been there for me.”

Pam nodded her head and made a throaty noise that sounded like a quiet cautious approval. Emily could tell that she was holding something back. She decided to test the waters.

“She wants to do a Thanksgiving thing with us. Like a…friendsgiving, I guess? She knows dad won’t be here and she was worried we wouldn’t have anywhere to go. She suggested we do a little get together with some of our friends and their families. Hanna. Aria. Toby.”

She waited in anticipation for her mother’s response.

“I think that would be lovely. I’d love to cook.” Pam smiled.

“That’s exactly what I said.” Emily knew her mother well.

“I’m glad you’ve settled in here, Emmy,” she said, taking Emily’s hand in hers. She saw that some of Emily’s fingernails were worn and jagged. She frowned. “You’re biting your nails again.” She pulled Emily’s hand up to get a closer look.

Emily gently, but hastily, pulled her hand away from her mom’s grip. Pam sighed.

“Is it Ben or is it…”

“It’s neither.” Emily interrupted her. “I’ve just been a little stressed trying to keep up with some of my school work.”

“Em, if you’re scared about going back…”

“I’m not scared of anything. I’ve just been a little overwhelmed with the assault and with dad leaving and school and everything. I’m fine, mom. I promise.”

“Okay.” Pam didn’t push her daughter. She knew it wouldn’t do any good. She bit her lip and forced herself to ask, “So, you’ve talked to him then?”

“We’re making a plan for after the holidays. I told him everything that was happening with dad and that things were up in the air with our travel arrangements. He said that was fine. He’s got a lot going on, too.”

“I imagine so,” Pam said. “This time of the year must be very difficult for his family.”

 _Don’t remind me_. Emily frowned.

“Yeah. We’re going to touch base in a few weeks.”

“Be sure to let me know when you go. I’ll make arrangements with my office so I can take you.”

“I can take the bus. There’s no reason for you to miss work.”

“I don’t mind. I like spending time with you.”

“Weird way to spend time together, but okay.” Emily laughed nervously. “Maybe we could just do something normal like a mother-daughter spa day instead.”

“I’d like that.” She nodded. “But I’d still like to go to Maryland with you.”

It was getting harder and harder for her to get Emily to let her in. She felt like her little girl was slipping through her fingers.

“You’re going to harp on me until I tell you to come aren’t you?” Emily teased her.

“I am.” Pam replied. “It’s not just about you.”

That made Emily tense up.

“I know.”

There was a quiet lull in their conversation and then Pam turned to face her daughter again.

“Did he say how Lily was doing?” Pam asked curiously.

“She’s good. Still as feisty as ever. He says she’s getting big.” Emily smiled. “I talked to her a couple of weeks ago. I can actually understand the words she’s saying now. It’s not baby gibberish anymore. It’s wild. She’s growing up so fast.”

Pam knew how that felt. Time waited for no one. It seemed like just yesterday Emily was pirouetting into the pool with her floaties on and running around the playground chasing her father.

It was quiet for a few seconds and then Pam cleared her throat. She squirmed around uncomfortably.

“Can I ask you something?” Pam put her palm on Emily’s leg.

“Sure.”

“Are you and Alison… _together_?”

Emily froze. Because technically they were, but they weren’t “official” or “exclusive” or whatever it was called. And she was also caught off-guard because her mother never asked about her dating life. Not since she’d come out.

“We’re…” Emily wasn’t sure what to say. “…it’s complicated.”

“You sound like a social media status update.” Pam rolled her eyes with a laugh.

“Alison is just…” _My soulmate. Perfect. The love of my life. Everything to me. My always._ “She was a soft landing after I got back to Rosewood. She understands me. I don’t…I’m not really sure _what_ we are. But I care about her. A lot.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

“I think I might be in love with her, mom.” Emily said quietly, nearly a whisper.

Pam closed her eyes and swallowed a knot in her throat, but not because she was uncomfortable with Emily and Alison together. She was fidgety because she’d seen the way Alison looked at her daughter. And she knew the girl was in love with Emily. And she didn’t want to see either of them getting hurt.

“Well, I can’t tell you how your heart should work. I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do…”

Emily interrupted her with a loud laugh,

“That’s all you _ever_ do.”

“Of course it is. I’m your mother. That’s my job.” Pam chuckled.

“You could take a vacation every once in a while. Wouldn’t kill you.” Emily had a smarmy look on her face.

For a few seconds Pam forgot the gravity of everything Emily had been through. She looked at her daughter and all she saw was her snarky little girl. Her sassy little five-year-old mischief-maker grinning at her from the side of the pool getting ready to jump in even though she knew it was time to leave.

In her eyes she saw the innocent child she’d once had before life had hardened her. But that’s what life did. It forced children to grow up. Sometimes before their time. Emily had always been a wildly intelligent and perceptive child. But she’d seen her change with the years, and the hardest thing as a mother was to let those changes happen.

“So, are you two…” She danced around what she wanted to ask, “…intimate?”

“What?” Emily huffed out an embarrassed laugh. “Why…wh…um…why would you…” She stuttered.

“I was a teenager once, too. I know how much your hormones are raging right now.”

“Ew, mom, gross. I don’t want to hear about your glory days.”

“There’s no better form of sexual education than torturing you by reliving my own glory days.”

“If you really love me you won’t.” Emily shook her head.

“I’ve seen the way you are together…the way she looks at you…”

Emily took a moment to pause and think about her response.

“We’re not,” she said. “Having sex, I mean. But…I care for her. More than I’ve ever cared about anyone. And maybe one day we will get to that point.” She didn’t see the point in lying to her mother. Pam would call her on it. “But hey, bright side? At least you don’t have to worry about me getting pregnant.”

Pam’s face contorted into an angry reddened scowl.

“Not funny, Emily.”

“Hey, _you’re_ the one who started all this _intimacy_ talk.”

“Well it’s clear that you didn’t just inherit your father’s temper. You’ve got his smart mouth as well.”

“You’re surprised by this?” Emily lifted a brow curiously.

“I suppose not. You were trying to take over my kitchen when you were three. I told you I needed to cook dinner and you said ‘I got this, mommy’ and pushed me out of the room.” She chuckled. “You got three eggs from the fridge and when I tried to explain they needed to be cooked first you bit into one of those raw eggs to prove me wrong.” She smiled warmly at the memory. “I was terrified you were going to end up with salmonella, but your dad thought it was so funny.” Pam rubbed her arm. “You were a spirited little thing.”

“Still am.” Emily smiled cheekily at her.

“Yeah.” Pam laughed and ran her fingers through Emily’s hair. “ _I got it, mommy_ indeed.”

“I won’t be biting into anymore raw eggs. I promise.”

“And?”

“Um…” Emily was lost on the second part of the lesson. Her mother was always teaching her in riddles. It was annoying sometimes. “The kitchen is your domain?” She guessed.

“No.” Pam chuckled. “Well, yes. But that’s not my point. The point is that it’s okay to let people help you. I know you’ve got a handle on yourself. You’re strong and incredibly resilient, but you don’t have to be unbreakable, Emily. It’s okay to bend a little.”

Emily was pretty sure she knew what her mother was getting at.

“Fine. I’ll give this therapist thing a go.” Emily relented.

“And Alison?”

“What about her?”

“Have you talked to her about everything?”

God, her mother and Hanna were going to be the death of her, telling her at every corner something she already knew.

“No.” Emily bit her lip. “I mean, she knows I lost Maya. And she knows I’m not a fan of hospitals. But that’s about the extent of what we’ve talked about. I haven’t really figured out what I want to tell her. Or how.”

“You know, if you two do start to get serious and it…” She shifted uncomfortably on the bed, “…if you…” Pam’s face tightened. “It’s just…there’s a chance it will affect her life, too.” She sighed. “If you really care about this girl you’ll tell her the truth.”

“I don’t want her to know.” Emily admitted. Besides it’s not like it’s something she could just casually mention over lunch. “At least not yet. We’re just not there yet.”

That answer didn’t seem to satisfy Pam, but she didn’t say anything else about it. It wasn’t her decision. All she could do was try to guide her daughter, because when she turned eighteen everything was going to be in Emily’s hands.

It was hard to see her struggle. It was even harder to let her go. Motherhood was a balancing act between helping a child out after they’d suffered a fall and knowing when to lean back and let them take control of their own life. And Emily was at the point in her life where she had to learn to navigate things on her own. Pam just hoped she wasn’t heading for a dangerous collision. She couldn’t stand to see anymore broken hearts in her lifetime.


	17. Blurred Lines

* * *

**Chapter 17:**

**Blurred Lines**

The next few days were a whirlwind. Emily barely got any sleep. When she wasn’t having nightmares about Ben or about her father being shot at she was having dreams about Maya, and the last time she’d ever seen her.

Maya was too young. Far too young to meet such a painful tragic end. There wasn’t a day that went by that Emily didn’t wish she could switch places with her. It was especially worse when she had dreams about it. It had been in the forefront of her mind since she’d started seeing a psychologist again.

Her dreams were always so realistic. She felt like she was right back by Maya’s side, holding her and crying and begging her not to die. Emily saw Maya’s lips moving, but all she could hear was a high pitched ringing noise in her ears. Her conscious and subconscious were fighting. Her subconscious was begging to stay by Maya’s side. Her conscious was fighting to wake her up. Emily squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated on Maya.

_I won’t leave her. I can’t._

She knew she was dreaming. She’d had the exact same dream hundreds of times since it had happened. Seeing death was never easy. She’d seen dead bodies before. She’d been to funerals. But the bodies never captured the vitality and the spark that made the person. They were made up to look like humans, but they were nothing more than hollow wax figures. Placeholders on the Earth.

Even when she was a toddler she’d been able to tell. She’d cried at her Great-grandmother’s funeral because the woman who had read her bedtime stories and took her to the park and taught her how to tie her shoes looked like a stranger in a wooden box. A fake doll.

Actually seeing the soul leave the body…watching the light in someone’s life being snuffed out was a million times worse. She could still see the instant that Maya had started to shut down. She’d tried hundreds of times to change the outcome, to save her in her dreams. But it always ended the same way.

_“I’m sorry, Maya. I’m so…”_

_“It’s not your fault, Em. It’s mine. I screwed up…”_

More piercing buzzing sounds in her head. Emily fought it. She saw herself reaching out to Maya, clutching her hand.

 _“Please…”_ Emily wept.

_“Promise me something.”_

_“I can’t. Maya, I can’t…”_

_“Don’t blame him…”_ Maya shuddered. _“I would have done the same thing. He knows you are something special, Emily Fields.”_ She had a strange serene smile on her face.

 _“I’m not.”_ She could taste snot dripping down the back of her throat. _“I’m really not.”_ She wiped her nose. She looked around for help that she knew would never come. It never did. It was just the two of them in end. Emily fought back a cry. _“God, I never should have…”_

 _“It’s okay.”_ Maya interrupted her.

Emily lowered her head. Her body was shaking. She was freezing. But then she felt Maya’s hand against her cheek. It was strangely warm.

_“Tell him it’s okay. Tell him I love him. And please make sure he takes care of himself. Because he gets so caught up that he forgets sometimes. I need you to look out for him. I need you to promise me that.”_

Emily let out a quiet cry and then nodded.

_“I promise.”_

_“And promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”_ Her fingers grazed Emily’s cheek. _“And Lily.”_

 _“He vetoed Lily, remember?”_ Emily sniffled with a saddened laugh.

 _“He’ll come around.”_ She smiled.

Maya had just enough strength to reach over and touch Emily’s side, her fingers curling against her ribs, her thumb brushing just to the left of her bellybutton. Emily still felt the electricity from her touch. It had lasted only seconds. She pulled away and groaned out a noise that didn’t sound even remotely normal.

_“Maya?”_

Maya’s eyes found Emily’s through the darkness.

 _“I’m scared.”_ Her soft brown eyes were filled with tears.

Emily had never seen her cry. It gutted her. A sob ripped from Emily’s throat. Her fearless Maya. The girl who had never had a problem testing her limits, who had never been afraid of anything in life. She’d never known fear until today.

She’d always told Emily that people weren’t really afraid of the dark. They were scared of what was in it. Now that she was facing that darkness she truly understood that. How could someone not be afraid of what happened when their world went dark? How could someone not be afraid of the unknown? Maya started hyperventilating. Her lips trembled as she looked at Emily for help.

 _“Hey, don’t be scared.”_ Emily managed to choke out, holding back her sobs. _“Just…just focus on me.”_ She tried to keep Maya’s mind off of the inevitable. _“Remember…remember what you told me when we first met?”_

Maya smiled.

 _“Every word.”_ Maya’s face tightened in thought. She looked around and then glanced at Emily. _“You should...you should get out of here. It’s not safe. You should...”_ Maya uttered, her words becoming lost in a slurred speech pattern.

_“No. I’m not leaving you.”_

Emily leaned down kiss the side of her jaw. She felt Maya’s shaking hand on the back of her neck. Her lips brushed against Emily’s ear.

 _“I fell in love with you, Emily. And I’d do it all_ _again_ ,” she whispered. _“I love you,”_ she exhaled a breath as her body went limp.

 _“Maya?”_ She pulled back and saw her eyes glazing over. _“Maya!”_ She cried frantically. She dipped her forehead down and pressed it against Maya’s. _“Maya, no…please no…”_

She moved to put her arms around her and embrace her, but before she could lift her up and pull her close to her body she was yanked away from her.

Everything happened so fast that she didn’t even register what was going on. But she knew exactly who was holding her…who was keeping her from her first love. She knew his touch far more than she ever thought she would. Far more than she cared to.

She whipped around and started pounding against his chest with her fists. She hit him until she exhausted herself. Then she tried to rip herself away, to get free. She couldn’t breathe. She was drowning. But a hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.

_“Emily, look at me!”_

But she couldn’t see him. She didn’t want to see him. The world was spinning around her. There was a stabbing sensation in her head. She screamed out in agony and buried her tear-stricken face in her hands. She felt an excruciating amount of pain. She couldn’t tell where it was coming from, but she was certain it was her heart shattering. She felt dizzy and seconds later she passed out.

But the darkness wasn’t so bad. Because in the vast silence of limbo nothing was set in stone. Maya wasn’t dead. She could be alive in her mind. She heard a soft voice whispering to her. At first she thought it was Maya. But as soon as she heard it again she realized it was familiar in a way that she hadn’t had since Maya. It was familiar in a way that she loved.

“Em, wake up.” Alison gently jostled Emily.

“Hmm?” Emily lifted her chin and turned towards the sound of Alison’s voice.

“You dozed off.” Alison raked her fingers through Emily’s hair, pushing it away from her damp cheeks.

Something Alison had learned about Emily was that she sweat a lot when she was sleeping, especially when she was having bad dreams. They’d been watching an old classic movie on Emily’s couch. Emily had fallen asleep halfway through.

“Sorry. It’s been an intense couple of days.” Emily rubbed her eyes.

“Understatement,” Alison muttered.

Emily took a breath to try and get herself centered back in her new reality.

“What time do you have to be at the station?” Emily questioned.

“Half an hour.” She glanced at her watch. “I should actually get going.”

Ben’s lawyer was calling into question what had happened _before_ Alison and Toby came on to the scene as eyewitnesses. The lawyer had tried a bunch of bullshit to get him out of the charges against him, meaning that Emily, Alison, Toby, and their families had to make several trips to the station.

Emily and Toby had already gone in for their follow up with Rosewood’s finest. Alison had been busy with school and field hockey. And she also didn’t like prying herself away from Emily. But she couldn’t avoid it any longer.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Emily asked.

“No.” Alison answered quickly. “No. Jason is taking me. We’re meeting my aunt there. And then we’re doing some bullshit family dinner thing afterwards.” Alison lied.

There was no family plan afterwards. She just didn’t want Emily to go because she saw how much it affected her. Emily insisted she was okay, but Alison didn’t want to risk it.

“Plus, you should spend time with your dad.” Alison added softly. “Don’t let Ben take that away from you.”

Emily felt her throat tighten. A wave of grief burned through her veins. She smiled appreciatively at Alison.

“I’ll call you afterwards. I promise.” Alison moved over, kissing her cheek. She could taste the salty mixture of Emily’s sweat on her lips.

She frowned and moved her fingertips up to brush her rosy cheeks. She didn’t like knowing that Emily was having bad dreams. She hadn’t been lying when she said that therapy made things worse for her. For a brief second she thought she could feel the brunette trembling beneath her touch. But when she looked at her she was calm on the surface.

“You good?” Alison asked.

“Yeah.” Emily smiled.

And it wasn’t a lie. Because when she was with Alison she really was okay.

“Need anything before I go?” Alison questioned.

“I do, actually.” Emily nodded, reaching up to find Alison’s face.

She leaned in for a kiss. Alison’s lips met hers. She felt Emily’s mouth curl into a smile and she moved up against her, their upper bodies pressing together. Alison gently put her hand against Emily’s side and pulled back, pushing her forehead against Emily’s.

“I’ll take one of those to go.”

Emily chuckled and leaned forward to capture her lips again. She was making it impossible for Alison to leave.

When Alison wasn’t with her she was thinking about her. It felt a little obsessive. She wasn’t sure how normal it was to crave someone as much as she craved Emily. It was like an addiction. But it was the healthiest addiction anyone in her family had.

She’d heard that when people were in love it was constant heart palpitations and butterflies fluttering in their bellies. And she felt all of that with Emily, but more than anything when she was with Emily she felt calm. Peaceful. It felt natural.

She also felt fiercely protective of her in a way that she’d never felt about anyone else. So she amped herself up when Jason drove her to the police station. Her plan was to get in and get out and then call Emily.

After her chat with the cops she was quickly trying to make her way out of the building. And then she saw him. He was walking freely with his lawyer, being escorted by two officers. The first thing she noticed is that he wasn’t in handcuffs.

_Why the fuck isn’t he shackled from head to toe?_

He was dressed up in a tuxedo like a good ole boy. The cuts on his cheeks were healing, but he was still bruised to hell from where Toby had gone ape-shit on his face. He had a patch over one eye. Alison wasn’t sure if it was her or Emily who had scratched his cornea, but she was glad that he’d suffered. He was walking with a limp, courtesy of Alison and the baseball bat. He still had a bandage on his hand. Emily had done some real damage to his palm when she sank her teeth into him.

He glanced at her. She could see dark circles under his eyes. At first his expression was rigid and hard. But then an undertone of a smirk spread across his face. He shot her a menacing grin, a smarmy look that told her that he thought he was going to get away with what he’d done.

She instinctively lunged towards him.

“Motherfucking son of…”

She hadn’t gotten very far before she felt someone grab her and hold her back. Her brother, of all people. The same guy who had used Noel’s face as a punching bag was keeping her from ripping Ben to shreds.

She threatened him with the death of a thousand suns if he didn’t let her go. He ignored her. He pulled her into his body and wrapped his arms around her like a cocoon. She fought him, but he only held her tighter. As pissed as she was, she didn’t stand a chance against him.

“Get off of me!” She squirmed.

“It’s not worth it, Ali.” He pulled her down the hallway, kicking and screaming.

“Let go of me!” Alison growled angrily at him.

But he didn’t. Not until they were outside.

“You need to calm the fuck down,” he said. “The cops have him. You don’t need to start shit here. Believe me.” He finally loosened his grip and rubbed the abrasions he had on his knuckles from Noel’s face.

But Alison wasn’t listening. All she could picture was the cut on Emily’s cheek bone, the bruises on her face and thigh, the concussion. She could still see the look on Emily’s face when she had fallen to her knees beside her in the locker room. Her blood. Her screams. Her nightmares. What could have happened to her. What _did_ happen to her. Alison had bad dreams about it. She had dreams where she murdered Ben, too. She always woke up satisfied after those dreams.

“He hurt her.” Alison was so upset that she was struggling to catch her breath. “He was going to rape her and…”

“I know.” Jason tried to stay calm, because he was raging, too. But there was only room for one pissed off DiLaurentis at the moment. “And if there is a fluke and he gets out, we’ll have our chance to rip him to pieces. But if you go in there and act like a vigilante it will only _help_ Ben’s case. The lawyer _will_ use it against us…against _Emily_.” He knew that would reach her. “You give them more ammo and they will load it into a gun and aim it at her.”

Alison paced around in circles for several seconds and then screamed in frustration and sank down on to the steps of the police station.

“He’s being _such_ an asshole, Jason. Dragging this out…it’s only hurting her more. And I can’t fucking do anything about it.” She buried her face into her hands. She felt like ripping her hair out. “Why is caring so hard? I just…I want to fix it. She’s hurting and I want to make it go away.”

Seconds later she heard Jason plop down next to her. He put his arm around her and pulled her close.

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not?”

He sighed.

“Look, you’ve both been through a lot,” he said. “It’s going to take some time, Ali. Things like this don’t just magically go away overnight. It’s gonna hurt for a while. You, and especially Emily…you’re going to need some time to deal.” He rubbed her arm. “How is she, by the way?”

“I don’t know. I think she’s okay. Sometimes she’s good. But other times I look at her and I see…” Alison thought about it, “…I see how fractured she is. How much he broke her. And I worry that she’s going to hurt forever.”

“Nothing is forever.” Jason assured her. “And he may have hurt her, but he didn’t break her. Or her spirit. Bad shit happens to a lot of people.” He paused thoughtfully. “How much do you remember about the night I sent dad to the hospital?”

“I don’t know. I mean, what was that, like…ten years ago?” She tried not to think about that time in her life.

“After he shoved you into that table you cried every night for almost a month.”

“I did?” She remembered bits and pieces of being scared and upset, but not crying for an entire month.

“You had nightmares every night.” He nodded. “Sometimes I’d go get you and wake you up and sometimes you’d come in and grab my arm and shake me until I would let you get into bed with me.” He shook his head with a laugh. “I had to start wearing shin-guards to bed. You kick in your sleep.” He huffed. “Hard.”

“You did that for me?”

“Of course I did. You’re my sister.” He bumped her shoulder. “My annoying-ass bitchy little waffle-stealing sister.”

“And…you ruined the moment.” Alison laughed sadly.

“Do you still have bad dreams about it?” Jason asked.

“No. I have you,” she replied.

“See? When you have someone in your life who cares about you, who loves you, and is there for you…you look back and the bad times don’t seem as dark as they were. That’s what love is.”

Alison considered his words. But she still wasn’t satisfied.

“It’s not just that. People who do the things that dad did…or…” She tasted a bitterness in her mouth, “…what Ben did…why do they get to play these games?”

“Because the world is unfair, Alison. It’s unfair and it’s ugly and it’s cruel,” he replied. “But it’s also filled with people who are good and just.” He assured her. “He’s not going to get away with it.”

“It sucks. He shouldn’t get to do this. He wouldn’t let her fight back that day. Why does he get to fight this? He should be rotting in jail already.”

“I know. I know how you feel,” he said. “I do. When I heard what Noel did to you…” He squeezed his fists and then loosened his knuckles. “I was ready to go to jail. And I am beyond ready to do the same to that jackass in there. Trust me. But Aunt Veronica says this is all just his lawyer trying to stall. They’ve got him. They have DNA. They have you and Toby to back Emily. He’s going to jail. Let the justice system do its work here.”

Alison wanted to respond, but she couldn’t because she was so angry. She was angry and upset and overwhelmed. And she’d never felt so many feelings at once. She didn’t know how to handle it. So she leaned into her big ape of a brother and let the tears stream down her face. She didn’t care that she was ruining her mascara. She didn’t care that she sounded like a sick braying donkey. She just gripped her brother and cried hysterically. He held her until she calmed down.

Alison’s fury slowly dissipated over the next two days. And she felt a wave of relief when she heard that the overwhelming evidence and the eyewitness accounts had pushed Ben into pleading guilty to assaulting Emily, so they wouldn’t have to take the case before a jury.

The ruling had given the Fields family a few days of peace before Wayne left for Texas. They had a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving with all of Wayne’s favorites. He’d been his normal goofy self, falling back on their regular traditions. When he trimmed the excess pieces off of the turkey he held up the chunks near his ears like earrings and asked, “does this make me look fat?” and when Pam made fun of him he’d dramatically called, “FOWL on the play!” It made Emily feel a sense of normalcy.

She tried to cherish every moment. And it was all the moments of laughter and joy she’d had with her dad that she held on to when they were at the airport a few days later saying goodbye. They spent time in the lobby talking and taking pictures. Pam made them all squeeze in for a selfie. Emily had promised herself that she wouldn’t cry this time. But her rationalization went out the window the second she heard her dad’s flight called.

She was already overly-emotional because she hadn’t been able to sleep for the past week. Her sunglasses couldn’t hide the tears falling down her face. She felt her dad reach up and pull her shades off. He brushed her tears away and then he pulled her in for a hug. She could feel the crisp corners of his uniform as she buried her face into his chest, trying to memorize his scent, because she never knew if this time would be the last time she’d see him.

“I love you, dad.” She pulled back.

“I love you, too, baby girl.” He kissed the top of her head. He wiped her face once more and then put her sunglasses back on for her. “You take care of your Ma for me, okay?”

“Yes, sir.” Emily bit the inside of her lip.

“Ace, you’re the man of the house while I’m away.” He reached down and pat the dog’s head. He got a little tail wag. “But don’t be leaving hair all over my recliner, you hear me?”

Emily chuckled, still sniffling.

“I swore I wouldn’t cry this time. But saying goodbye is so hard…”

“Hey, what have I always said? It’s not _goodbye_. It’s _see you later_.” He rubbed her cheek. She could feel the callouses on his hand. She pushed her cheek into his touch. “…so see you later, alligator.”

Emily smiled through her tears. It had always been a tradition when they were parting ways.

“After while, crocodile.” She smiled at him.

“Too-da-loo, kangaroo.” He reached down, squeezing her hand.

“Gotta go, buffalo.” She squeezed back.

“Give me a hug, ladybug.” She moved forward and he pulled her into another hug and kissed the top of her head again.

“Take care, polar bear.” She squeezed him tighter.

“Bye bye, butterfly.”

Pam watched them with teary eyes, her cheeks already drenched. Wayne frowned. He hated to see his girls cry. Their eyes met and he reached out and pulled her into the hug and they stayed frozen in their embrace for a few seconds.

After a few seconds, Emily pulled away. She took her mom’s hand and silently squeezed it. Then she told her dad she loved him one more time before she walked off to let them have a few moments alone before he boarded his flight.

She sat down just as her phone went off. It was Alison’s ringtone. Emily put her cane against the side of the bench and picked up the call. She took a breath before she said anything.

“Hey, Ali.” Her voice came out stronger than she felt inside.

“Hey, Em.” Alison replied. “How you holding up?”

“I’m okay.” She pulled her sunglasses off to rub her eyes. They always felt thick and dry after she’d been crying. She sat the sunglasses down and sighed.

“Mmhmm.” Alison didn’t believe her.

In fact, even if she couldn’t see her she would have been able to hear it in Emily’s voice, despite how good she was at hiding it. Alison peered around the corner, just down the hall from where Emily was sitting.

Emily didn’t know that Alison had followed her to the airport. Alison wanted to be there for her without actually getting in the way of her family’s goodbye.

_God, I’m a psychopath. I really am stalking this girl. Or is this what love feels like?_

She’d seen plenty of bad romantic comedies where lovers chased one another through the airport, but it was never quite like this. She didn’t expect it to feel so creepy.

She wasn’t sure what had spawned the impulse to come out to the airport. She only knew that she wanted to be there for Emily if she needed her. And from where she stood it looked like Emily needed _someone_.

“Liar.” Alison called her out.

“Yeah, no. I’m a total mess.” Emily admitted. “But I always am. Mom is saying goodbye to him now. We’ll be heading out in twenty minutes or so. She usually stays with him for about ten to fifteen minutes after I say goodbye. They talk about stuff.”

And Emily knew what it was about, too, though her parents had never outright told her. It was about what to do in the event of his death and making sure all the right paperwork was in order.

“Excuse me, do you know where gate 12 is?” An older woman walked up to Alison.

Alison was kicking herself for wearing her bright red coat instead of something more bland so she could blend in with the crowd. The fashionable overcoat made her stand out in the open. She cursed her bad choice in attire and covered the receiver of the phone and shook her head and hastily walked away. Seconds later there was an announcement for a flight.

_This was a stupid idea._

“Alison, what was that?” Emily questioned.

“What was what?”

_Fuck. Fuck. She knows. She’s going to think I’m a psycho._

“Are you…are you _here_ at the airport? Did you follow me here?”

“No!” Her voice went up an octave. Since when was she bad at lying? “No, I’m watching the airport scene of _Love Actually_ on TV…”

“Bullshit. Hanna and I used to watch that movie religiously every year on repeat at Christmas. I don’t hear Hugh Grant talking or The Beach Boys singing.”

“It’s the scene with the kid running after that girl he likes.” She tried one last time.

“Sam and Joanna. Don’t test me on my _Love Actually_ trivia. I know the underscore of that scene by heart. Try again.”

Alison sighed and then stepped out from behind the corner she was watching Emily from. She started walking towards her.

“I just wanted to make sure you and your mom were going to be okay.” As she neared Emily her voice started to echo into the phone. “Please don’t think I’m a freak. I was worried about you.”

Emily lifted her head. She heard the unmistakable clack of Alison’s heels against the ground as she approached.

Emily stood up just as Alison was reaching her. Emily could smell her vanilla body wash and a splash of her perfume. They both hung up their phones. They stood in front of one another, neither saying a word at first. Emily opened her mouth to say something and then shut it again. She shook her head in surprise and then furrowed her brows in confusion.

“How did you even get past security?” Emily finally broke the silence.

“What? Like it’s hard? It’s not like this is _O’Hare International_ here.” Alison put her phone up. “The security team here is a guy with a stun gun in one hand and a sub sandwich in the other. All I had to do was drop a snickers bar and then sneak past him when he bent over to pick it up.”

She saw Emily smile for a brief second, a smile she desperately needed. Alison could see that she’d been crying by the stains on her cheeks and the bright red patches in her bloodshot eyes. She couldn’t imagine how Emily felt, because she didn’t know what it was like to have to say goodbye to someone she loved.

She looked around the airport. It wasn’t very busy, but there were a few people scattered about. There was a mixture of emotions that Alison could see. Half the people looked like they were excited to be going somewhere. Many others were saying goodbye. She saw a little girl, probably no more than three, hugging a man she presumed to be the toddler’s father. She was clinging to his neck and crying.

Alison watched the little girl, knowing that it was how Emily felt inside. She didn’t want Emily to overhear the little girl’s sobs for her daddy, though she knew she probably already had. She took her hand and pulled her towards a small alcove a few feet away.

Emily had a look of confusion on her face as she and Ace walked along with her. Alison pulled her into the secluded area. Emily still wasn’t talking. Alison was kicking herself. She hadn’t planned on getting caught. She never got caught. And in the few instances she did she’d always been able to lie her way out of it. She couldn’t… _wouldn’t_ do that with Emily.

_God, I screwed this up. I screwed this up so badly._

“Look, I’m…I didn’t mean…I’m sorry if I overstepped. I know this is…” Alison searched for the right word. Even after all the time she’d spent with Emily, the brunette _still_ made her so nervous, “…insane. And weird. And over the top. But…”

Before Alison could finish, Emily moved forward, her hand softly moving against Alison’s neck, her fingertips delicately brushing against the side of her jaw. She had every contour of Alison’s face memorized, so her lips quickly found Alison’s.

Something came over her. It was a mixture of the pain she felt from her dad leaving and the overwhelming feeling of being overjoyed that Alison had showed up for her, _again_ , without her even asking. It’s like she didn’t even have to ask. It’s just like she just knew.

She had so many emotions flooding her body she didn’t know what to do with them. Her heart had a need that only Alison could fulfill. She dropped Ace’s leash and put her other hand against Alison’s side, slowly moving her backwards until she was up against the wall.

Alison was happy to let her take control. She reciprocated by softly sweeping her cheeks with her fingertips. Her face was still warm and damp from her tears. She moved her other hand up against the side of her neck.

Any other day she would have pushed for more. Any other day she would have jumped into Emily’s arms and wrapped her legs around her waist and let her slam her back into the wall while they passionately moved their lips together. Any other day she would have nibbled against Emily’s ear and told her she was wet and ready for her.

But that wasn’t the case. There wasn’t an arousing need between her legs this time. Her heart was too broken for Emily to feel anything other than love and empathy. Alison understood that it wasn’t sexual. She knew that it was a comfort Emily needed. So she kept her kisses soft and innocent.

They stayed in their embrace, bodies firmly pressed together for a few minutes as their lips curled and curved into each other, mewls and sighs of pleasure reverberating against one another. It was Emily who finally pulled away so they could both catch their breath. She pushed her forehead against Alison’s. Alison kept her gaze fixed on Emily’s watery eyes. The tears had heightened the color of her irises, the smooth brown color swimming in a sea of dark shades of cocoa.

Alison could feel Emily’s heavy breaths against her chest. Neither one of them spoke. They listened to the sound of the bustling airport around them. People coming and going. The elation of seeing one another. The pain of saying goodbye.

Alison tucked a few of Emily’s stray hairs behind her ears. Emily finally broke the silence, an appreciative smile on her face.

“Thank you.” Emily breathed against her lips.

Somehow, Alison always came through in ways that Emily didn’t even realize she needed her.

“I…um…” Emily wasn’t sure what to say. She’d hit her emotional height.

“I know.” Alison sighed, resting one palm on her cheek and the other against her waist. “You don’t have to say anything. This sucks, Em. I’m sorry.”

“It sucks a little less with you here.” She took a shaky breath.

Alison wasn’t sure if it was from their encounter or if it was just her emotions about her dad bubbling to the surface. Alison didn’t say anything. She just held her and let her work through whatever was in her head. Emily closed her eyes and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Alison’s again. Alison watched her face carefully, her eyes never straying.

When Emily opened her eyes back up she moved in closer. Their lips met for another quick chaste peck and then Emily pulled back. Alison glanced at Ace for the first time, wondering what must be going on in his doggy mind.

 _Bet they didn’t teach you what to do in Guide Dog School for this particular scenario._ She made eye contact with him as she reached down and picked up his lead. She handed it back to Emily.

“Your mom will be looking for you soon.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want her thinking I’m a creepy stalker.”

Emily smiled and laughed softly.

“You kinda are.”

“Shut up.” Alison playfully swatted her arm.

“Seriously, Alison, who sneaks through airport security just to spy on someone?” She teased.

There was a beat of silence and then Alison replied,

“Russians.”

“Are you secretly in the Russian mafia?”

“ _Da, darling_. Don’t keep ze Americans waiting. Z’ey will get suspicious,” Alison said with her best Russian accent.

 _Oh my God, I sound like a dweeb._ But she knew Emily wouldn’t care. And Emily was all that mattered.

Emily pursed her lips in a smile and shook her head. The girl was ridiculous. And she couldn’t be more in love with her if she tried.

“ _Dasvidaniya, darling._ ” Emily replied with a sexy smirk.

They parted ways, Alison staying in the alcove while Emily went back to the bench where she’d left her things. She watched as Emily rubbed her eyes. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her eye drops. She put them in and then put her sunglasses back on.

Alison peered at her one last time before she made her way to the exit of the airport. She knew that today was going to be a hard day for Emily, but at the very least she’d been able to take her mind off of it for a little while.

Emily felt the weight return to her shoulders when she heard her mother’s shaky voice telling her they were leaving. Pam tried to hold it together, but with every step she took away from her husband, the more difficult it got.

When they got into the car Pam put the keys in the ignition, but before she could turn the engine over she felt herself crumbling. She clutched the wheel with her shaky hands and her face fell forward as she let out a choked sob.

“We’ll see him in a few weeks, mom,” Emily said softly, reaching over to comfort her mother. She found her hand and squeezed it and she felt Pam squeeze back.

Her mom always took it hard when her dad left. Emily knew it was different for her, to say goodbye to her husband, her partner in crime. She certainly could only imagine what it was like. She couldn’t relate, because even though she really cared about Alison and she didn’t like it when they weren’t together, they didn’t have 25 years of marriage under their belt.

Pam and Wayne had been together since high school. Emily had always thought it was something special they had, because most high school relationships didn’t last as long as theirs. It’s something Emily had always admired, something she’d always wanted. Something she wasn’t sure she’d ever get.

She felt her mother’s palm against her cheek. Pam looked at her daughter with an adoration that only a parent could have for their child, with an appreciation that only a mother could have for her daughter.

“You have such a big heart.” Pam rubbed her daughter’s jaw with her thumb. “You get that from your father.”

“Not all of it.” Emily smiled softly.

Pam smiled at her daughter, a gesture full of nothing but love. She had her father’s spirit, but her mother’s resolve. Pam looked at her sweet thoughtful child. Every time she looked at her she saw her husband’s strength, but her resilience. It was easy to fall in love with her. Her spirit was one of a kind. It’s like she could see past all the bad. She saw the best version of things. It made her so unique, so special.

“I love you, mom.” Emily reached up and touched her wrist.

“I love you, too.” So very much.

That love and appreciation was a sentiment that Alison echoed. But it was a different kind of love.

After their encounter at the airport Alison was beginning to understand the level of affection she had for her. She’d never felt the way she had when she kissed Emily. It felt right. Real. It was something she wanted more of. Not Emily’s heartbreak, of course. Just being there for her. She wanted to open herself up to Emily. Their kisses and their make-out sessions were nice, but she wanted more.

She wanted to walk around the park with her, holding her hand. She wanted to go out to dinner with her and kiss her over dessert. She wanted Emily to walk up behind her at school and wrap her arms around her waist and kiss her temple. She wanted her for more than just sex. She wanted people to know they loved each other, though they’d yet to say those words to one another. She was certain Emily felt the same way.

She wanted everyone to know they were together, and not because she was trying to stake a claim on her, because Emily wasn’t just one of her conquests. Her hunting days were over. She’d found what she wanted. She just needed to figure out how to tell her in the right way.

Emily was a little out of sorts for a few days after her dad left. It made Alison angry. Not at Emily. At the situation. She was mad that Emily was hurt. Because that’s the only emotion she knew how to feel when it came to things she couldn’t fix. She felt like Hulk-ing out at the government and making them send Wayne back to his family.

Emily insisted that she was fine. Despite everything she went through she said she was okay, which Alison knew was a flat out lie. But it wasn’t until two days before Thanksgiving that Alison finally called her on it.

Everyone was hanging out at a get-together that Pam and Hanna’s mother Ashley were helping Pastor Ted with at the church. After Emily had suggested the Thanksgiving she wanted to have with her friends Pam had called Ashley and it had turned from a small gathering into a dinner for anyone who wanted to come. They had decided to do it two days before Thanksgiving so that Spencer could join them before her cruise.

There had been a huge turn-out. Several students from Rosewood High and their families were in attendance. A bunch of the adults were mingling while several of the smaller children ran around the dessert table on a sugar high, giggling and snatching cookies when they thought the adults weren’t looking.

“Aw, to be young and still believe in hope.” Spencer laughed as she watched the little ones.

“Weren’t you jaded by like age two?” Jason teased his cousin.

It earned him a scowl from Toby, because even though Jason was Spencer’s cousin Toby didn’t like him teasing her. Jason didn’t let it get to him. The two of them had managed to be civil to each other, despite their history of hating one another because of Jenna.

They hadn’t really had much to fight about lately. Toby had reached out to Jason after he found out that Noel had harassed Alison the night before Ben assaulted Emily. The fact that Jason had gone after Noel for threatening the girls had earned him a little bit of respect from Toby.

They’d only spoken minimally and communicated mostly with primitive grumbles and grunts, but Jason brought up the fact that Toby beat the shit out of Ben for what he did to Emily and for hitting Alison. He thanked him for looking out for the girls.

Both Toby and Jason also knew that they _had_ to play nice, because Emily and Alison had given them separate lectures about it. Alison had blackmailed Jason into being nice by threatening to tell his friends that he teared up listening to a Whitney Houston song at the house several weeks back. She had video proof.

And Emily threatened Toby with an ass-whooping if he let his machismo and ego out of their cages. Her exact words had been,

_“There will be none of that alpha-male pissing-contest bullshit. It’s the fucking holidays and we’re going to be cheerful goddammit.”_

“I was hateful long before I turned two. I think it all went downhill for me around thirteen months.” Spencer corrected Jason.

Everyone at the table laughed. Everyone except Emily. She seemed to be lost in her own mind. Alison could tell she wasn’t mentally present. She’d been very quiet. She hadn’t eaten much either. She’d mostly just been pushing her food around her plate with a fork.

Alison put her hand on Emily’s knee underneath the table and gently rubbed it. Emily smiled softly at her, curling her calf around Alison’s lower leg. Alison slipped her shoe off and slid her foot around Emily’s and bounced it against the opening at the top of her shoe. Emily wiggled her foot out of her shoe and moved her toes against Alison’s.

Emily turned to her and smiled and then reached under the table and gently clasped her hand. Alison felt her heart swell in her chest. It was little moments like these that she cherished.

“What could a thirteen month old _possibly_ have to hate about life?” Aria asked.

“I was given a ridiculous little baby doll and a Barbie Dreamhouse for Christmas instead of the subscription to _National Geographic_ and the book of _New York Times_ crosswords I asked Santa for.”

“Oh, that must have been horrible.” Hanna feigned disappointment. “You poor baby.”

Spencer shot Hanna a glare for mocking her. Hanna just grinned back at her. She was the only person in the school who was not afraid to give Spencer Hastings shit. It grated Spencer’s nerves. And Hanna knew it grated her nerves, which is why she did it.

“Mock me all you want. But from that Christmas on, I knew Santa was a lie. Nothing more than a stereotypical caricature created by large toy corporations to increase their ad revenue and sales.”

“What a joyous holiday spirit you have,” Ezra said dryly.

“Hey, don’t blame me. Blame the adults who made it all up.”

“Christmas isn’t real?” They heard a wobbly voice from behind their table.

They turned around and saw a few children who had overheard Spencer griping. The kids were staring at them. They had looks on their faces like they’d just found out the world was ending.

“Oh…oh, no. No! That’s not what I…of course it’s real! I’m just…I’m being a Grinch.” Spencer stuttered.

The kids ran off in tears. Toby pushed his chair out and followed them to try and comfort them. Spencer smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand.

“Shit.” She uttered under her breath.

“Uh…I don’t think you’re allowed to swear in the hall of the Lord.” Jason looked around in uncertainty, like he was waiting for a lightning bolt to strike them.

“Since when are you religious?” Spencer asked.

“I’m not. But let’s not push it, okay?” He pointed to a stained glass window with people from the bible staring at them.

They could hear the children huddling together and whimpering like the apocalypse was happening. Not even Toby telling them that it was a misunderstanding satisfied them.

“You broke the children.” Aria pointed to the kids. “Are you happy?”

Spencer shook her head and then shrugged in defeat.

“Well, better they find out now than to be devastated after years of lies fabricated by the very adults in their lives they trust most.”

“You should write Christmas carols.” Caleb scoffed.

“Spencer, go fix it.” Aria ordered.

“But…”

“No ‘buts’. Come on.” Aria grabbed her arm, yanking her to her feet faster than Spencer could object.

They watched in curiosity as Aria shoved Spencer towards the kids. Spencer turned around like a defiant child with a look that said, _“I don’t wanna!”_ and Aria glared angrily at her and pointed towards the children. Spencer walked over to them. She was stiff at first, but then she saw all of their eyes on her and she loosened up.

She started saying something and suddenly her eyes lit up and she became very animated in her expressions. It was like she’d transformed into a character from a play. After a few minutes the kids were smiling and giggling again. Spencer and Aria walked back to the table smiling.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Aria asked.

“Did you fix it?” Hanna questioned.

“All fixed,” Spencer said. “I told them it was a test to see if they still believed because Santa wanted to know that kids really believed in him.”

“Nice save.” Alison was impressed.

“It was a lot easier when I realized that I was the starring act of a one-woman show and they were my audience.” Spencer nodded. “It’s like theater,” she said dramatically. “All make believe.” She threw her palms up and did some unenthusiastic jazz hands. She sat down. “I can’t wait to leave for my cruise tomorrow.”

“Now _there’s_ who really capitalizes on holidays. You want to talk about corporations making bank on the holidays, talk about the travel industry and the food industry. When else do people splurge and gorge themselves like this?” Caleb questioned.

“Personally, I think the best part of this holiday is all the free food.” Hanna nibbled on a bite of stuffing.

“Careful, or all two calories that you ate might overwhelm your senses.” Spencer snorted.

“Oh, please.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “Anyone who says they’re sticking to their diet regimen during the holidays is a liar.”

They heard a loud shriek and then a giggle from behind them. Toby was chasing the kids playfully. He had one little girl slung over his shoulder and was tickling a little boy who was valiantly trying to rescue his little sister. They were both giggling. Two other little kids were running circles around Toby.

“He’s really good with them.” Spencer watched him with a smile on her face.

Alison kicked her under the table. Spencer glared at her. Alison shot her a teasing smile that clearly mocked in a sing-songy voice, _“Toby and Spencer sitting in a tree…”_

Toby had kept his word about not telling Spencer that Alison told him Spencer had a crush on him. Like Emily and Alison, Toby and Spencer were going at their own pace. But Spencer’s crush was becoming more and more transparent.

“He’s always liked kids,” Emily said, breaking her silence for the first time since they’d started eating. “Babies really love him.”

Alison glanced over, noticing that her tone seemed somewhat far away. Was she thinking about the days she’d spent with her dad when she was little? Alison reached under the table and took her hand again. Emily curled her fingers into her palm and smiled at her. She had to resist moving in for a kiss.

Everyone glanced over and saw Toby pretend to be hurt and fall against the ground clutching his chest so that big brother could rescue his fair maiden sister. The kids both sat on top of him. He sat up with a big smile on his face.

Alison watched in surprise. She was getting to know people in an entirely different way. Was this what she’d been missing out on with all the actual human interaction as opposed to the judging she and her previous minions had loved to do? There was so much to appreciate.

They went back to their plates. Toby came back to join them after the kids had officially worn him out. Everything was going great…until an argument broke out between two brothers. They were fighting over the last piece of chocolate pie. The little one shoved the big one and the big one retaliated by putting the younger boy in a headlock.

“Hey, cut it out!” The younger boy exclaimed. They wrestled for a few seconds and then the younger boy complained, “Stop! Let me go!”

Emily froze. She dropped her fork.

 _“Let me go!”_ She could hear herself yelling at Ben.

Her body tensed up. She tried not to think about it. Seconds later the two of them toppled into a small table and knocked several empty trays to the ground. Alison felt Emily jump, her knee hitting the table, jostling it. Her unease hadn’t gone unnoticed. Everyone at the table glanced at her, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

“Everything okay, Em?” Hanna asked.

“Hmm?” Emily asked. She quickly plastered a smile on her face. “Oh, yeah. Fine.”

But her brain had already checked out. She was floating in a mindless oblivion. Alison knew where her mind was. She was back in the locker room, thinking about what Ben had done to her.

Since the attack she’d adjusted fairly well, but there were certain things that seemed to trigger that day. Alison could always sense it, no matter how hard Emily tried to hide it. Because Alison had been there, too. And the look Emily had on her face when she’d found her shivering on the floor was the exact same look she wore when she was remembering the attack.

“Do you want to…”

But Emily didn’t let Alison finish her sentence. She moved back abruptly. Her shirt suddenly felt tighter around her neck. She grasped her dog’s lead and grabbed her walking stick.

“I’m going to take a walk.” Emily felt her throat closing up.

“I’ll come with you.” Alison pushed her chair out. God, she sounded so pathetic when she pined after her like that.

“No. I just need a few minutes alone.” Emily quickly cut her off.

They watched her shuffle out of the busy church. Alison froze. She didn’t know what to do. No one said anything at first. Hanna glanced at Alison, her eyes basically ordering her to follow her and make sure she was okay.

 _“She said she needed to be alone.”_ Alison replied in silence, her eyes narrowing.

Hanna shook her head and then motioned towards the door telling Alison to follow her. Something about Hanna’s cues unsettled her. Not just irked her like her normal jealousy, but actually upset her. She wasn’t sure if it was because Hanna knew Emily better and understood her needs more or if it was because she didn’t like Emily being so frazzled and upset.

Emily had been different since she’d been attacked in the locker room, not that Alison was surprised. What she’d been through was enough to rattle the strongest of people. The problem was that she wasn’t letting anyone in. And that needed to change.

She went looking for Emily and found her outside on a bench sitting in the sun, trying to breathe slowly and calmly. She quietly approached her. Emily could tell it was her before Alison had even gotten over to her. She looked up, her sunglasses reflecting the setting sun and Alison’s own image back at her.

“You have a very strange definition of ‘alone time’,” Emily said.

“I didn’t do very well on the vocab portion of my SATs.” Alison shrugged.

“ _You_? Please.” She scoffed. “I don’t buy that for one second, Little Miss Literary Snob.”

“Hey!” Alison laughed and jokingly pushed her as she sat down next to her. _Any excuse to touch her._ She loved how warm and kind her essence was.

“Sorry, I meant literary _critic_.” Emily smiled, correcting herself.

Their laughter filled the air for a few short seconds, breaking the tension. Alison could see that Emily was masking her emotions. She always knew when the brunette was putting on a front. Emily leaned heavily on sardonic humor to fight her pain. But Alison could see that she was in pain. _Real_ pain.

“So…” Alison tapped her fingers nervously. “You’ve been lying to me.”

Emily’s heart skipped a beat and she jerked her head to face Alison. Did she know? How did she know? She hadn’t slipped up, had she? Toby and Hanna were the only people in Rosewood who knew besides her parents, and neither one of them would have dared to betray her confidence.

She held her breath, waiting on Alison to blow up at her and then run away screaming. When she didn’t, Emily relaxed.

“You are far from fine, Emily.” Alison clarified her accusation. She put her hand on Emily’s arm. “And you need to start being honest about it.” _So I can be there for you._

“I just needed some air. You and the others don’t have to go on red alert every time I need a minute to myself.” Emily reached up and put her palm against Alison’s hand and smiled.

“You’ve been quiet all night, Em.” Alison challenged her, her brow furrowed.

“I’m tired. Nightmares.” Emily explained.

She said it so nonchalantly that it worried Alison. Because it meant she was _used_ to bad dreams. Emily had told her that she’d had bad dreams since she was little, and that since she’d lost her sight they were more intense.

“What…what is it? Is it your dad? Ben?” She hesitated before saying the next thing on her mind. Her tone softened tremendously, “Maya?”

That seemed to cut into her. She stiffened.

“I said I’m fine, Ali.”

“Emily…” Alison grumbled in a warning tone. She didn’t like it when Emily pulled away from her.

“I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ll be okay.” Emily moved her hand back down. She rubbed the healing bruise on her elbow.

Alison grimaced. The fact that she was responsible for causing two of the worst things in Emily’s life ate away at her. If she hadn’t thrown those fireworks none of it would have happened. If Emily could still see she would have known Ben was sneaking up on her. He wouldn’t have been able to catch her off-guard. And Emily never would have been at the school that day if she hadn’t been looking for her mom’s bracelet. Alison started chewing on her lip. She huffed.

_It’s my fault. All of this shit it on me._

Emily hadn’t missed Alison’s silence. She reached out and grabbed her hand.

“You know it’s not your fault, right?” Emily interrupted the quiet tension in the air.

Alison looked at her in disbelief. It always made her quiver a little – the way that Emily _knew_ her. Emily could see inside of her in a way that no one else could. It left Alison feeling naked and exposed.

“How do you do that?” she asked.

“What?”

“It’s like you always know what’s on my mind. I mean I know you’ve got good instincts and intuition and everything, but I didn’t realize you had like Jedi level mindreading powers.”

“Alison DiLaurentis, was that a _Star Wars_ reference?” Emily’s lips curled into a smirk.

“Shit.” Alison laughed in embarrassment, lowering her face into her hands. She sounded like such a fucking loser. “My brother was so obsessed with those movies when we were little. I guess some of it rubbed off on me.”

“Liar.” Emily teased her, moving her face closer to Alison’s.

Alison smiled and tilted her head. She reached up, tracing the bottom of Emily’s sunglasses where the cut on her cheekbone had scabbed over and healed. She brushed her thumb across it and felt a rising anger inside of her chest. She heaved out a heavy breath through her nose. They sat there in a quiet tension for a few seconds. Alison bit her lip to keep from screaming in anger.

“I hate him so much for what he did to you.” Alison’s voice came out low and angry, hardened so much that if it was her tongue it could slice through bone.

Emily tensed up. Alison saw her flinch.

“Just another scar to add to my collection, I guess.” She rolled her shoulders.

Alison thought about the old scars she had. Emily still hadn’t told her how she’d gotten any of them. Alison had asked her about them a few times after their encounter in the dressing room at the costume shop, but Emily was always evasive about it.

The last time she’d asked about the scars was a few days ago, their last day of school before Thanksgiving break. They had gone off-campus to get a bite to eat together and Alison had seen a small secluded area underneath an umbrella. It was in a quiet and intimate spot. They’d sat down near a table on a plank meant to be a bench, Alison facing Emily. One thing had led to another and their foreheads had met just before their lips fell into a soft kiss.

Alison had turned her body and straddled Emily until she was sitting in her lap, her legs around her waist. She’d reached up with both hands, clasping them gently behind the brunette’s neck as they moved closer. She’d been able to feel the raised blemish with her fingertips.

She’d kissed her and when their lips pulled away with an audible _smack_ Alison had mindlessly started tracing the scar with her index finger. It wasn’t something she’d meant to do. It’s something that just happened. Like touching it was going to tell her everything Emily was keeping buried inside, tell her all of her secrets.

_“Em?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“You know you can tell me anything, right?”_

_“Yeah.”_

Alison had taken a breath, her eyes fixed on Emily’s face as she moved her other hand up against Emily’s front until her fingertips landed on her collar bone.

_“Your scars…”_

She’d felt Emily physically tense up underneath her and she’d watched her in concern. Emily had a habit of closing down when it came to her emotions. Alison understood the reaction. She did the same thing. But it always bothered her to see Emily close herself off.

 _“I already told you it’s nothing, Ali.”_ She’d pulled loose from her embrace. _“I was a kid. It was a long time ago…”_

Alison knew it was bullshit, but she’d watched as Emily completely shut down. She had hoped that since Emily was seeing a therapist she’d be more willing to talk about her past, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect on her. She always became like a completely different person when she pulled away.

She was doing the exact same thing now. It wasn’t intentional. Emily could feel the tension between them. She knew that Alison was fixed and focused on what had hurt her in the past. And given that her rage had yet to die down over Ben’s assault, the last thing Emily wanted to do was upset her _more_. So she tamped it down.

“Please don’t become another worrier in my life.” She pat Alison’s hand. She smiled, and it made Alison feel warmer. “I’ve already got plenty of those. What I need is a partner in crime. Someone who will jump off of cliffs with me and sneak into movie theaters afterhours to watch reels of old films and sneak into the gym when it’s closed so we can have the pool all to ourselves.”

What she wanted was for Alison to be her girlfriend. Alison could tell she was on the verge of saying it, but she didn’t quite say the words. It was something they both wanted.

Alison wasn’t sure what had been holding her back. Normally she wasn’t afraid to make the first move. Alison DiLaurentis was all about the first move. Emily had been open to the first move for weeks. She’d basically just been waiting on Alison.

Alison tucked Emily’s hair behind her ear, the same strand that always seemed to fall astray. She had memorized everything about Emily, including every hair on her head. She kept her hand on Emily’s face. She wanted to kiss her, but at the same time she just wanted to be there for her. It was so confusing. Alison licked her lips nervously.

“I hate that I wasn’t there. I hate that I couldn’t protect you.” Alison frowned.

“It’s not your job to keep me out of trouble.” Emily uncomfortably shifted on the bench.

“That’s not what I meant at all.” Alison knew how uncomfortable Emily was about others doing things for her. Her pride made her so stubborn sometimes. “But I should have been there. I want you to know that from here on out I _will_ be there.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

Alison was too busy getting lost in her own head to hear the irritation in Emily’s tone.

 _It’s now or never._ Alison could hear her brain screaming at her.

“I don’t want to be your babysitter, Emily,” Alison said bluntly. “I want to be your girlfriend.”

There was a beat of confused silence. Emily thought she was dreaming. Sometimes she had this exact dream, that Alison told her she wanted to be with her, for everyone to know. But she always woke up disappointed.

“Uh…what?” Emily asked.

Maybe she was hallucinating. Maybe her mother was right and she _was_ going crazy with all the stress in her life.

“I want to be there for you, in _every_ way. I want to do this right. You and me. _Us_. I want everyone to know. I want to be able to hold your hand _above_ the table and kiss you without looking over our shoulders. I want us to be together. _Officially_.”

“I…” Emily knew it had been coming, but she was still flabbergasted.

“I wanted to ask you sooner. But with everything that happened with Ben and then your dad leaving I wasn’t sure if you…if you still wanted to.”

“I do. Ali, of course I do.” Emily’s hand trailed up Alison’s arm until it landed against the side of her neck, her blonde locks brushing over Emily’s knuckles. “I just…um, I thought…” She was still trying to wrap her head around it. “You said Alison DiLaurentis doesn’t do girlfriends.”

“That’s because I’d never met the right girl for me.” She reached over with her free hand and put her palm against Emily’s wrist. She took her other hand and put it underneath Emily’s palm, cupping her hand and linking their fingers together. “You make me want to be someone worth loving.”

“Ali, you’re worth…”

“I haven’t always been.” Alison quickly disagreed. “Emily, you don’t know who I was before you got here.” She glanced down shamefully.

Emily had to fight back a dark laugh. If anyone understood looming secrets of the past, she did. But that’s just what it was. The past.

“I know who you are _now_ and that’s more important to me than anything you’ve done in your past.”

Alison flinched. Would she feel that way if she knew the truth about the Fourth of July? Emily smiled and palmed Alison’s cheek.

“You’re the kind of person who would reach out to someone sitting alone on a park bench.” She smiled. “Someone who would make up some fake story about her mother wanting French food just so you could bring the cuisine to school for a lunch with the new girl…”

“You knew that was a lie, huh?” Alison asked.

“You went above and beyond that day. And you’ve been doing it every day since then. At first, I thought it was just because you wanted something. But then I got to know you. The _real_ you. The you that doesn’t hide behind a mask and play a role to society every day. I watched as someone who usually kept people at an arm’s length let her guard down. I saw your heart, Ali. The day I met you.”

Alison had tears in her eyes, and she didn’t know why. Usually she only cried when she was pissed off or on her period and fighting raging hormones. But the only thing she felt when Emily touched her was… _love_. It had to be.

“You make me feel things I didn’t know I was capable of feeling,” Alison said, her breath shaky.

Emily felt Alison’s silky smooth fingers graze her arm and glide down until her hand was on top of Emily’s.

“Go out with me, Emily Fields. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to be _your_ girlfriend. I-if you’ll have me.”

Emily’s lips curled into a smile. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. It made Alison nervous. She’d come on too strong, hadn’t she? But Emily wanted it, too, right? She’d told Alison she’d wait until she was ready. Had she changed her mind?

“Okay, well, you may know how to read my mind, but I certainly can’t read yours…” Alison prompted her to answer.

Emily’s smile turned into a devious smirk. It was that devilish glint that always made Alison feel hot between her thighs. It was that little bit of _bad girl_ that Alison loved to see.

“I’m thinking. I’m thinking.” Emily brought her hand up to her mouth, tapping her index finger against her lip with a teasing smile.

“Emily, I swear to God…”

Emily laughed softly and moved her hand against Alison’s cheek. She leaned forward and pressed her mouth, smirk and all, against Alison’s lips. Alison sighed and reached up to cup Emily’s cheeks and moaned into the kiss. Emily pulled away and wet her lips with her tongue. She still had a huge smile on her face.

“You didn’t answer the question, you know.” Alison’s eyes flickered towards her mouth. She wanted it on her lips again. She wanted Emily’s mouth everywhere on her body. She felt the unyielding desire of heat throbbing against the fabric of her underwear.

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” Emily questioned. “Of course I want you to be my girlfriend, Alison.” She had a sultry expression on her face. “What took you so long to ask?”

There was that little devil again. That inkling of an imp playfully wreaking havoc.

“I had to clear my schedule first.” Alison bit back sarcastically.

Emily chuckled.

“Well, I’m going to have to fix mine. I _was_ going to ask you out. But now you’ve gone and ruined my plans.”

“Shut up.” Alison laughed, her lips puffing out, highlighting the dimples on her reddened cheeks.

She’d never done anything like this. This caring thing had her completely terrified. But she couldn’t imagine her life without Emily by her side. It was strange: to not know life without someone she’d lived eighteen years without.

As for Emily, she was terrified for a different reason. She wasn’t afraid of falling in love. In fact, she was pretty certain she was powerless to stop it. But with them getting closer she knew that it would only be a matter of time before Alison found out about her secrets.

 _I have to tell her._ She tried not to hyperventilate.

Suddenly, her nerves were returning. She moved her hand down to her thigh, her fingernails digging into the fabric covering her soft skin there. Alison saw the motion and cocked her head, a concerned expression on her face.

“You’re sure about this?” Alison asked.

Emily turned towards the sound of her voice. She hadn’t thought this far ahead. She hadn’t assumed Alison would want to turn this into more. She wasn’t expecting Alison to fall for her this hard.

So now what?

The feisty blonde truly had no idea what she was in for. Alison absentmindedly traced her fingers over the top of Emily’s shirt where it was covering her tattoo and it triggered something inside of the brunette.

Emily started to tell her about everything. Baltimore. Maya’s brother. Maya. The hospital. Lily. The scar. _All_ of her scars. The life that Alison knew nothing about.

“Ali, I should tell you…” But something stopped her, and she hated herself for it. She swallowed it all back down and forced a smile on her face. “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you.”

Not someone _like_ her. _Her_. Because there was only one Alison DiLaurentis. And Emily Fields was in love with her. And none of their secrets mattered right now.

“Well, the wait is over.” Alison grinned.

“It’s bound to be an interesting ride,” Emily said. “So strap in.”

Alison perked up.

_Wait, did she say ‘strap in’ or ‘strap on’?_

Alison had been so busy running around in her own head about the fact that Emily Fields was her girlfriend that she hadn’t heard anything but the word ‘strap’. And she couldn’t get the image of Emily screwing her brains out out of her head. And Emily didn’t help when she reached over and touched her thigh.

_Ohmyfuck we’re gonna fuck right here on sacred fucking ground._

Instead, Emily moved her hand up against Alison’s hip. Alison had to work not to crawl on top of her and pounce on her like she did in her fantasies. Emily pushed her other hand against Alison’s cheek and Alison immediately stilled underneath her touch. Emily had more than just her attention. She had her heart.

“Close your eyes.” Emily brushed her fingertips against Alison’s cheek.

Alison smiled softly and did exact what Emily told her to do. Because she trusted her implicitly. Emily felt her eyelashes flutter against her fingers.

“I want you to picture us in a private little neighborhood in Paris.” Emily’s hand moved away from Alison’s hip just long enough to pull her sunglasses off. She put them down beside her and then placed her hand back on Alison’s body, higher than her hip this time, against the side of her ribs. She felt Alison shudder. “I want you to imagine listening to Etta James. _A Sunday Kind of Love._ Just you and me, watching the sunrise from a secluded rooftop.” She stroked Alison’s ribs with her thumb, sending a pleasurable shockwave through her body. “Picture the sun slowly peeking out through other villas and the tops of buildings.” Her fingers felt like feathers on Alison’s abdomen. “And above those buildings in the distance…the Eiffel Tower is twinkling in the morning light as the clouds in the background are rolling in the sky like vivid brightly colored waves.”

Alison bit her lip when she felt Emily’s hand move away from her ribs and up to the side of her neck. Emily could feel the goosebumps on her skin.

“Can you see it?” Emily delicately moved her other hand up to Alison’s other cheek.

Alison felt her entire body warming underneath her touch. She was completely under her spell.

“Mmmhmm.” Alison nodded.

Emily cupped her cheeks and pulled Alison’s face towards hers, their lips falling together slowly. Alison could feel the purpose in her movements. She could feel Emily’s tongue graze her lips just as she parted them to let out a sigh. She could feel every motion of Emily’s fingers against her cheeks. She could feel…love. She could actually feel it.

Alison started to push back, started to move closer as their lips danced together. Behind her eyelids she could see colors bursting in ways she’d never seen before. And they weren’t just sitting behind a church on a bench in Rosewood anymore. They were in Paris. They were in a hotel and Emily was holding her, clutching her as they passionately explored each other’s bodies. She could feel the soft satiny sheets against her bare skin. She could feel Emily’s warm body pressed against hers, her fingers and mouth taking her over the edge.

Then they were outside looking at the skyline. She could feel Emily’s front pressed against her back, swaying her to the motions of the music. She could see the city, the lights, the sun. She could _hear_ Etta James. She could feel Emily’s hands on her body, caressing her in all the right spots.

Alison wanted to stay in Emily’s embrace forever. She never wanted the kiss to end, so when Emily pulled back and dropped her palms to the side of Alison’s neck the blonde whimpered out an audible cry. Her heart was pounding in her chest, beating so rapidly that she thought she was having a heart attack. Her pulse didn’t even jump this high when she was running around in field hockey. She opened her eyes, immediately meeting Emily’s dark sienna irises.

Alison blinked in surprise. The kiss left her shaking, satisfied, but wanting more. She felt like she was floating. She had been kissed a multitude of times before, but never like this. Emily had done more than simply kiss her. She had transported her to a beautiful rooftop villa in Paris. She was speechless. All she knew how to do was kiss her back. So she did. She gently pecked Emily’s lips, stroking her face before pulling back with a content smile.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Emily.” Alison lightly brushed her lips against Emily’s.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Alison.” Emily smiled back at her.

They sat outside, just enjoying each other’s company for nearly half an hour. It was only when the wind picked up and it started sprinkling that the two of them sought shelter inside the church again.

When they walked back in, hands intertwined, their friends and family looked, but no one was surprised. They sat back down at the table.

It was Hanna who finally broke the silence.

“Are you two like… _together_ together now?”

“Hanna.” Aria nudged her with a warning motherly gaze that clearly said, _“don’t be rude.”_

“What?” Hanna saw no fault in her curiosity. “They’ve been sneaking off for weeks.” She faced Alison and Emily.

“Yeah, you think we didn’t notice? We know what you guys have been up to.” Spencer added. “So are you guys official now or what?”

“Guess we weren’t as stealthy as we thought.” Alison laughed, her cheeks red in embarrassment.

 _Fuck, what is WITH this embarrassment shit?_ Only Emily did it to her.

Emily smiled, but her cheeks didn’t flush, because she’d had a feeling their friends already knew. She listened to them babble for a few minutes. Emily didn’t miss two very quiet members of their party.

Toby and Jason were both silent, both having the same thought about each other’s family, both worried that their respective family members would get hurt. But something no one at the table knew was that Toby wasn’t just worried about Emily getting hurt anymore. He had some concerns that Alison might be in over her head and not realize it.

“Did you really think we didn’t know? I didn’t score a nearly perfect score on my SATs to miss something so blatantly obvious.” Spencer scoffed.

“It was kind of right there in our faces.” Caleb nodded.

“It’s good though.” Ezra quickly jumped in, always the peacemaker. “You two are cute together.”

“Well, duh. No one is denying that.” Hanna laughed. “We just want to know the truth, because we need to know who won the pool.”

“You all _bet_ on the outcome of our relationship?” Emily asked.

“Ah ha. She said it. They’re official. Pay up!” Caleb smirked, holding his palm up and out flat.

“God, you’re so annoyingly good at algorithms.” Hanna grumbled.

“Hold on just a second. You bet on the outcome of our relationship and _didn’t_ include me in the pool?” Emily added with a laugh.

“Yeah, no. That would be like having a teacher take a test they wrote. _You_ had the answer key,” Spencer said. She faced Caleb. “I’m not paying anything until we find out more. Like _how long_ you guys have _really_ been together.” She looked at Alison and Emily.

The girls laughed. As they talked about their dating habits Alison tried to get a read on their faces. The only ones who seemed genuinely happy were Aria and Ezra. Of course, the two dreamers. It looked like everyone else had some reservations about the two of them getting closer. Not that they weren’t happy for them. They were worried for reasons unknown to the others. But with time, Alison knew that would fade. Or at least, she thought it would.

Alison looked around the church at all of the families and the couples surrounding her. She’d never been one to engage in hokey traditions about going around and saying what she was thankful for at the holidays. She hated her parents and she barely tolerated her brother. But this year, she understood exactly what it truly meant to be thankful. She had something…some _one_ to appreciate.


	18. It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

* * *

  **Chapter 18:**

**It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas**

The sting Emily felt after her dad left for the base was dulled somewhat by being with Alison. She was the perfect girlfriend. Loving, but not overbearing. Conscientious, but not prying or smothering. When Emily needed a shoulder to lean on, she was there. When Emily needed space Alison threatened the entire world around them for crossing an imaginary line she drew around her girlfriend. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for the brunette.

Emily didn’t ask for any of it, but she wasn’t surprised by Alison’s protective nature. She’d known how determined she was when they first met. And Emily felt the same way about her. She always held Alison’s hand a little tighter in the school hallway when she heard Noel’s voice or when his jockstrap friends made comments about Alison’s parents extra-marital affairs. Noel hadn’t said a word to Alison or even looked at her since Jason had beaten the shit out of him. But that hadn’t stopped the rumor mill from circulating. All the dirt that Noel had on Alison and her family was out and she was catching hell from the immature monkeyboy jocks.

When Emily overheard someone saying something she fought back, and everyone was afraid of the blind chick, so no one crossed her. But that didn’t stop the whispers. She finally got so fed up with it that she slipped into the locker room to put itching powder in their athletic cups. She was uncomfortable as hell being back in the locker room, but she did it for Alison. And a few hours later when the entire team was running down the hall with their hands gripping their genitals and wailing like children Alison watched in amusement. One of the boys was in such a rush that he wasn’t paying attention and he nearly tripped over Ace.

“Looks like they’re on fire today. Really on the _ball_.” Emily snickered, leaning in to Alison as they listened to the rush of boys whipping by them. “What do you think? Genital Herpes or Jock Itch?”

Several more boys ran by them, making miserable noises.

“This school is just filled with so many male ho ho hos.” Emily smiled. She made a face, an _adorable_ face and shook her head like she was ashamed. “That sounded a lot less nerdy in my head.”

“This is the best Christmas ever.” Alison snorted.

“Merry Christmas, my love.” Emily lifted her brows suggestively.

“Wait. That was you?” Alison whispered, watching the last of the boys disappear.

Emily just grinned at her and shrugged and said,

“No one messes with my girl.”

The look on Emily’s face was the hottest thing Alison had ever seen. She had never been more attracted to anyone in her life. She quickly pulled her into an empty room and pounced on her. Their lips moved together as little bursts of breath came out as they both became more consumed by the building arousal of their embrace.

Emily dropped Ace’s leash and moved forward with her until she heard a light bump, Alison’s legs hitting the teacher’s desk. She moved to pick Alison up by the backs of her thighs just as Alison settled back against the desk. Alison wrapped her legs tightly around Emily’s waist, pushing their pelvises together. She saw Emily feeling around for the edge of the desk for leverage and she put her hand on top of it to help guide her.

Emily moved her lips down to string a line of kisses along Alison’s jaw and neck. Alison huffed out a sigh and turned her head so Emily would have better access. Her girl knew _everywhere_ she liked to be touched, _everywhere_ that ignited a fire inside of her. She felt Emily’s tongue swirling against her skin and she quietly cried out. As always, they got lost in their passion. They made out for several intense minutes until they were rudely interrupted by Aria’s mom, Ella.

When they heard the door opening they both stumbled to their feet. Emily’s hair was a mess. Her cheeks were flushed. Alison had a look of pride on her face, not even remotely ashamed that they’d been caught. Ella looked like a deer caught in the headlights unsure of what to say. So she just told them that the Yearbook committee had signed up to use the classroom.

“Girls, this room has been reserved…”

“We were just leaving, Mrs. Montgomery.” Alison interrupted her, taking Emily’s hand.

“Ah, well, yes…practice safe…um… _activities._ ” She wasn’t sure how else to phrase it.

That just made it more awkward. Emily’s face turned a darker shade of red. She was clearly mortified. She clicked her tongue and seconds later she felt Ace next to her side. Alison grabbed his leash. They walked out together. Ella smiled as she watched them go. She was happy to see Emily happy. Aria and Emily had been friends for years. And Emily was always very sweet to her daughter. Aria didn’t have one bad thing to say about her.

As they walked out of the room Emily fell into a fit of giggles. Alison joined her.

“Oh my God, she’s probably going to tell my mom.” Emily laughed.

“So? Your mom knows how I feel about you.” She wrapped her fingers around Emily’s arm. She paused and then furrowed her brow. “She _does_ know how _you_ feel about _me_ , right?”

“Of course.” Emily nodded. “She knew before we were even out as a couple.”

“My parents are still clueless,” Alison admitted.

“You still haven’t told them?”

“They haven’t even been home. They’ve been busy with work.” Alison shrugged. “The fact that Jason knows is enough for me. He’s the only one in my family I give a rat’s ass about.” She glanced at her watch. “And according to my calculations he’s not going to be home for…hmm, the next three days.” She grinned. “Want to come over and _practice_?” She fell back on Mrs. Montgomery’s words. “I’ve heard it makes perfect.”

Emily snickered, but then her laughter turned into a quiet echo around them. She fell back into reality. She hated it when she did that.

“I’ve got to get home and pack.”

Alison frowned. She’d been having so much fun with Emily that she’d lost track of the time. She glanced at a school calendar hanging up on the bulletin board. They were off for Christmas and New Year’s break the next two weeks. She’d been so wrapped up in her girlfriend that she’d forgotten that Emily was going to Wayne’s base in Texas with her mom for a few days.

Wayne’s orders had been finalized and he was leaving four days before Christmas. Emily and Pam were going to see him one last time before he was deployed so they could spend a short impromptu Christmas as a family.

“I blocked that out.” Alison admitted.

“You and me both,” Emily said with a sad smile.

Their playful attitudes slowly faded as they walked out of the school, their arms linked. After Alison dropped Emily off at her house she went into a funk. She was going to miss her when she was away, even though she was only going to be gone for a couple of days. But she also hurt for Emily. Because despite the brave mask the girl was wearing, Alison could see how much she wanted to lock herself into her room and cry.

Alison knew it was going to be especially hard, because Christmas was Emily’s favorite holiday. So having to say goodbye was going to be even more difficult for her. But Emily had been very stoic about everything. Very rarely did she get emotional around Alison. She was usually able to dial it back. It wasn’t until the next evening when she was scheduled to fly out with her mother that she let some of her repressed emotions out. She’d gone by Alison’s house to spend the day with her. She’d managed to hold it in up until the time started winding down.

They were sitting on Alison’s couch. Alison was sprawled out across Emily’s lap, her back against the arm of the couch and her legs overlapping Emily’s lap. Emily had one hand on Alison’s right knee, her fingertips drawing circles against her delicate skin as she verbally went over Emily’s travel checklist, making sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. When Alison pulled the plane ticket out of her passport and read the itinerary to her Emily sighed and reached out to take it from her. She felt like ripping it to shreds.

“I don’t want to go,” Emily admitted, playing with the ticket, her fingers moving against it nervously. “I know that makes me a horrible person, but I…”

“Emily, you are _not_ a horrible person.” Alison interrupted her, putting her palm against Emily’s cheek.

She could feel how much Emily was shaking beneath the surface. Still, Emily refused to let herself cry. She knew that as soon as she started crying, she would never stop. She still hid the deepest parts of herself from Alison.

“I miss him,” Emily said. “I do. Every minute he’s out there…out somewhere that’s not with me and mom it’s like…I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe until he’s home again.” She grimaced. “Going out there…there is a finality to it…” She felt a lump in her throat. “I can’t say goodbye to him again,” she said, her voice quiet.

Every time it got a little bit harder. Most people thought it was the opposite, that families got used to it. But in Emily’s case that wasn’t true. Because the more she said goodbye, the more she wondered if it was going to be the _last_ time.

When she was little she would cry and be sad for a little while, but once she got older she understood what was at stake. Even though life moved forward, there wasn’t a second that went by that Emily wasn’t thinking about her dad.

“So then don’t say goodbye.” Alison tried to soothe her. “Just spend the time you have with him and when it’s time to go hug him and tell him you love him.”

That’s what people did when they loved their families, right? She had no clue. Alison debated on her advice, because what made her the expert on love all of a sudden? She stopped doubting herself when she realized that’s exactly what she’d say to Emily…if she wasn’t so chicken-shit about her feelings. Because she did love her. She loved her against all discouragement that could be.

Of course, with the two of them their actions spoke louder than words. So when Emily initiated a kiss Alison didn’t resist. She knew Emily was just avoiding her feelings, but her lips tasted too fucking good to pass up.

It was ten minutes later when Emily’s mother called to remind her they needed to get their things together to go to the airport that their heated make-out session ended. Emily did her best not to sound like she was out of breath on the phone, but the second she hung up she started huffing heavily to try and catch her breath.

Yet despite feeling lightheaded from the lack of air she leaned in for another kiss, pushing against Alison on the couch. She put her hand against Alison’s cheek and then slowly started placing kisses along her jaw. Alison could feel the wet swelling desire in between her legs growing in response. And she cursed herself for what she said next.

“Em.” She ran her fingers through Emily’s hair until her fingertips came to rest upon her face. “We have to go, sweetie. Or you’re going to miss your flight.”

_You are literally stopping a Goddess from having her way with you. You are an idiot._

“There’s always stand-by.” Emily moved her lips against Alison’s pulse point.

Alison couldn’t help but shudder. Her muscles twitched and she exhaled a heavy breath. No one had ever made her feel quite like Emily with such a simple touch. Alison looked at the beautiful girl hovering over her.

_Don’t fucking tempt me._

Emily pulled back with a smile, like she knew exactly what was on Alison’s mind. Her kisses went from heated to innocent. She sat up, allowing Alison to move out from underneath her. Alison straightened her hair and then looked at Emily. The girl definitely had the messy look of someone who had been making out with her girlfriend. Emily didn’t seem to care. She leaned back against the arm of the couch.

Ace’s collar jingled. He sat up when he saw her move, eager to help with whatever she needed. Alison had forgotten the dog was even there. That’s how enamored she’d been. She couldn’t help but wonder how the poor dog didn’t go nuts with their pheromones constantly filling the air in the room. Then she suddenly started to feel weird about the fact that he could probably smell how hot and bothered they were. He could smell the stench of sex all over them, and they hadn’t even actually slept together yet.

Alison leaned over and looked at her reflection in the glass on the end table, spotting a misshapen blemish on the side of her neck.

“Oh my God, I look like I got hit in the neck with a softball. You know your mother is going to know _exactly_ what we were doing, right?” Alison rubbed the hickey.

Emily chuckled. She reached back, fumbling through Alison’s purse on the opposite end of the couch until she found exactly what she was looking for.

“Concealer, dear.” She grinned at Alison, tossing the small container to her.

“You did this on purpose.” Alison grumbled, but she wasn’t really unhappy. She was just nervous that Emily’s mother would chase her away with a shotgun.

She’d seen the way Pam went off on Ben’s parents. She’d seen a terrifying rage, a motherly rage that lied dormant in her. And no doubt being the wife of a military man, she knew how to aim and shoot.

Alison grumbled as she opened the concealer. The mirror in the compact gave her a closer look at it. It was huge.

“Emily, do you _want_ your mother to kill me?”

The last thing she wanted to do was drive Emily and her mother all the way to the airport with a giant love mark on her neck. Pam would judge her the whole way. She was regretting volunteering to take them. She’d only done it so they wouldn’t have to pay to leave their car in a parking garage over the weekend.

“Relax. My mom is basically whacked out of her gourd right now. Flying gives her anxiety. She’s popped so many pills that she won’t even recognize her own reflection, much less a little blemish.” Emily assured her.

“It’s not little! It’s huge. Jesus, are you a vampire?”

“Trust me. My mom won’t see it.”

Alison didn’t believe her. Every time she’d seen Mrs. Fields the woman had been on top of her game.

But when she pulled up to Emily’s house to pick her up she saw a completely different person. Frazzled, yet somehow relaxed. Alison got out to help her with the bags, but she insisted she had it handled.

Emily started to get out of the front seat to give it up to her mother, but Pam told her she’d sit in the back with Ace. She was fidgety the entire way to the airport. Emily was right about Pam not noticing that they were disheveled from their make-out session.

“Alison, let me give you some money for your gas and your time.” Pam reached into her purse.

“Oh, it’s fine, Mrs. Fields. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I insist…”

“Please. It’s the least I can do…”

Emily listened in amusement as her very polite mother and her usually not so polite girlfriend bartered back and forth and got into a “polite”-off. It ended with Pam pretending to admit defeat and then slipping $20 into the console when Alison was helping Emily grab her stuff from the trunk. Alison closed the trunk and took Emily’s hands.

“You going to be okay?” Alison asked.

“I’ll be fine.” Emily smiled back at her.

The smile was a lie and Alison knew it. But she was slowly learning that even if she called Emily on it, she still wouldn’t put her burdens on anyone else. It just wasn’t her style. She was someone who took the adversity in her life and grew from it.

“Call me if you need anything.” Alison leaned forward and gave her a peck on the lips. “I’ll be here for you when you get back, okay?”

The car door opened and Ace hopped out with Pam holding his lead. She walked over and put the leash in Emily’s hand and then grabbed her bag from the back seat.

Pam thanked Alison again and then she ushered Emily inside the airport so they wouldn’t be late for their flight. Alison got back in her car and sighed.

“So _this_ is what it feels like to say goodbye to someone you care about.” She rubbed her palms against the steering wheel.

She didn’t like it. She didn’t like it at all. And Emily was only going to be gone for _three_ days. How devastating must it feel to say goodbye to someone for longer than that? Especially knowing that it might be the last time they’d ever see them?

“This sucks.” She muttered. She looked around her car. _Aaaand I’m talking to myself._

She sat in the parking lot for a little while watching planes landing and taking off, wondering which one that Emily was on. The impulsive part of her wanted to run inside and buy a ticket and take the next plane out and meet her out there. She knew it was crazy, but Emily made her want to do crazy things. Fortunately, she talked herself out of becoming an actual stalker and thought of something better she could do. She drove off with a plan in mind just as Emily’s plane hit cruising altitude.

Emily’s mother had pretty much passed out the second they were seated. The anti-anxiety drugs would keep her sedated until they landed. Emily settled in her seat, Ace next to her at her feet. He traveled very well. Better than her mother.

Emily tried not to think about the destination of the flight, because all she could think about was the fact that her dad was leaving again. She had been trying her best to find the joy of the holiday spirit, despite the fact that her dad was going overseas. Christmas had always been a big deal in her family. They always went all out with the decorations, no matter where they were. One time they were in the middle of moving and they were in a transition apartment. It hadn’t stopped her father from getting the biggest tree he could fit through the door and hanging lights outside the apartment complex.

It was a special time for Emily’s family, no matter where they were, how far apart they were. It was that instilled tradition that kept Pam and Emily smiling despite Wayne’s deployment. It helped that they were surrounded by a wonderful group of friends.

Before Pam and Emily had even boarded their flight Wayne had called his sister and asked if she could talk to her husband about decorating their house while Pam and Emily were visiting him.

Toby found out and told Spencer, who mentioned it to the rest of the girls. They all wanted to help. Hanna didn’t even have to ask her mom to help, because Ashley was a step ahead, helping Ted pick out the perfect tree for them while everyone else unpacked the decorations that the Fields family had in storage. Everyone chipped in, because they didn’t want Emily and Pam to have to try and scramble to decorate when they got back.

The adults started on the inside of the house while the teenagers bundled up and worked outside. Alison quickly took charge of her friends, directing them on where to place things. She picked up two identical penguins wearing Santa hats.

“Be careful with Pingy and Wingy.” Hanna motioned to the penguins.

Spencer laughed so hard she almost dropped a box of Christmas lights she was carrying.

“You _named_ them?” Spencer struggled to catch her breath, the heated gust coming out of her mouth creating a vapor of smoke in the chilly air.

“ _I_ didn’t. Emily did…when she was like three.” Hanna tried to remember how long it had been since she’d met Pingy and Wingy. They felt like relics. “Those two have been around so long they’re practically family.”

Alison’s heart felt warm thinking of a tiny little Emily celebrating Christmas with her family and naming the decorations. She could see an excited toddler twirling on her feet, still able to see with perfect precision. She could see her prancing around in the snow making snow angels and running into her dad’s arms and squealing in excitement. She could see her building gingerbread houses with her cousins and getting frosting on her nose.

“Let’s see, I named…” Hanna looked around and spotted a smiling snowman and she grinned. “Snowie.”

Spencer was still snickering.

“We were toddlers, Spencer.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry they’re not named Atticus Finch and Holden Caulfield.”

“No, I think it’s adorable. What’s the Reindeer’s name? Deerey?”

“No. That’s Blitzen. Duh. Everyone knows that.”

This time it was Toby who laughed out loud.

“She’s got you there, Spence.” He smiled.

Spencer smiled back, a dopey grin that only a teenager in love could wear properly. She shoved him playfully. He grabbed the box of lights from her.

“There’s one more I need to grab from the garage,” Spencer said.

“Then we shall let the untangling commence.” Toby nodded.

“And the inappropriate language that comes with untangling.” Spencer added.

Alison grappled with the penguins, trying to get them set up just right. She didn’t care that Emily wouldn’t be able to see it. What she cared about was getting it right for her.

“Alison DiLaurentis doing physical labor.” Hanna laughed as she watched the smaller blonde struggle. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“How is this?” Ezra called down from the balcony.

He was hanging a Christmas banner. He was on one side and Aria was on the other. Before Hanna could say a word Alison chimed in.

“Aria, you need to go a little to the left. It’s off-center.”

“I’d say she’s more into being the stage manager than the actual decorating committee.” Spencer muttered as she walked by Hanna.

Hanna sniggered.

They worked until the sun was setting. Alison was one of the last people to leave. She told Ashley Marin she wanted to see how everything looked when the sun went down and that she would lock up when she was done. She waited for Ashley to leave and then she slowly walked through the house looking for anything that might be askew, but she had to admit that the adults had done a great job. Everything looked so festive.

She went into Emily’s room to put the final touches on the décor, a snowflake pillow that played the version of _“All I Want for Christmas”_ from the movie _Love Actually._ She hadn’t forgotten that Emily had told her it was one of her favorite movies.

She looked for the perfect place to put it, finally deciding on a small corner of her desk. She propped the small pillow up, trying not to disturb the things on Emily’s desk. She nodded silently in approval. But just as she turned around to leave, the pillow slipped, knocking several things to the floor.

“Of course. It figures,” she muttered to herself.

She leaned down to grab the pillow and a folder of braille lettering that had fallen with it. When she was down against the ground she saw the edge of a brightly colored piece of what looked to be construction paper resting against the back leg of the desk. She reached back and pulled it forward.

When she had it in her hands she realized it was a homemade Christmas card. There was a small white handprint outlined on the dark purple construction paper that had been emphasized with texture so Emily could feel it. Alison couldn’t help herself as she opened the card to find a sweet little message with letters arranged from capital to lowercase with no organization that simply read,

_“MeRRy ChRIstMas! LOve, LILY.”_

Beneath the message there were various bumps. Someone had gone back and written the message in braille after the card had been complete.

Alison stared at the homemade card, looking at the childish writing and trying to remember if Emily had ever mentioned any younger cousins or friends with little siblings, but she’d never heard the name Lily before.

She traced her fingers over the braille lettering, closing her eyes, wondering what Emily saw in her mind when she read things like this. Would she imagine the colors? Would she see the little imperfections and sweet messy disorganization of childhood?

She flicked the edges of the construction paper, trying to determine how old it might be. It was possible that someone had come along later and added the braille. But it seemed to be holding up too well to be old. It looked more recent. She played with it for a few minutes and then put it back in the folder with the braille paperwork.

She saw one more piece of paper that had been knocked out of the folder. It had slipped under the side of a small overhang near the base of the desk. The object was much smaller than the card. A picture.

She glanced at the wallet-sized photo. In it, a younger Emily was standing with two other people. One person was a girl about her age. The girl was small in stature with smooth dark skin and hauntingly beautiful brown eyes. They were both bundled up in big overcoats wearing beanies and earmuffs on their heads. The air around them looked hazy, like it was snowy outside. They were standing outside a large brick building, their arms thrown around each other like it was the last day of camp and they might not ever see one another again.

They looked so happy, so carefree. It had to be Maya. Alison studied the picture a little bit longer, taking note of the older guy standing with them. She couldn’t tell how old he was. Late teens? Early twenties? He favored Maya, but he was way too young to be her father. Probably an older brother or a cousin. He was standing next to them with a fake stern look on his face and his index finger mid-air like he was scolding them for something. He was turned slightly, but Alison could see the smile on his face.

She flipped the picture over, hoping that maybe there would be names, dates, _anything_ on the back, but it was a white vast canvas. Alison looked at the card again. Maybe Lily was Maya’s little sister or the daughter of the guy in the photo with them. Or maybe they weren’t connected at all. Maybe the folder was where Emily held her keepsakes.

Alison studied the photo, looking for any indication of where it might have been taken, but brick buildings were a dime a dozen. There was no way she could tell where it was taken.

“Why can’t we geo-tag locations on vintage photos yet?” She mumbled. “And who even has these old timey things anymore?”

She heard a door slam downstairs and she spun around and let out a shocked squeak. She scrambled to put everything back the way it was. She accidentally bumped the chair as she was straightening Emily’s desk and it made a loud thunking noise.

 _I would not survive a horror movie longer than five minutes._ She wanted to smack herself.

“Alison?” She heard Hanna approaching. “Is that you up there?”

Alison grabbed the pillow just as Hanna entered the doorway. She played with the frayed edges of the pillow and tried to look inconspicuous. The last thing she needed was Hanna squealing to Emily that she was snooping around her room while she was away, though Emily probably wouldn’t care. Besides, it’s not like she hadn’t done it before. But something about _Hanna_ tattling on her ruffled her feathers.

“Oh, hey Hanna.” Alison smiled innocently. She fluffed the pillow for good measure.

“My mom said you were locking up. What are you doing in here?” Hanna questioned.

“I was just trying to decide where to put this final decoration.” She moved the pillow around like it was the most important thing in the world. “What are you doing back? Forget to string up the tinsel on the tree?”

“I forgot my phone.” Hanna waved her phone in the air. “I can’t go around without a phone. That’s like going around without shoes…or air.”

Alison laughed, trying her best to make it sound genuine, but Hanna didn’t buy it. She glanced around Emily’s room.

“I didn’t know you were still here,” Hanna said, her tone suspicious. “I didn’t see your car out front.”

“I didn’t drive. I walked.” Alison shrugged. “My brother needed to borrow the car this morning.” She lied.

The truth was she didn’t feel like walking through her living room to get her keys earlier because her mom and dad were fighting again. They always fought before they were leaving on a trip. Thankfully, they’d be gone by the time she got home.

“Oh,” Hanna said. “Well, are you almost finished? I can give you a ride home.”

It sounded more like a statement than a suggestion, like Hanna didn’t want Alison alone in Emily’s house. She felt like if she went through the motions of _“you don’t have to”_ she’d get the deadpan response of _“I insist”_ which would just be Hanna’s way of saying she didn’t trust her. She was so overprotective of Emily sometimes. Alison felt a bullheaded stubbornness to fight Hanna for Emily’s hand every time she was in the same room with Hanna, which was irrational considering that Hanna wasn’t a threat to their relationship. Alison was smart enough to know that her feelings of jealousy were just because she felt inferior to Hanna, because Hanna had a whole history with Emily. And she envied that.

“Come on.” Hanna didn’t give her time to say _no_. “A car ride is much less painful than frostbite.”

 _A root canal would be less painful._ Alison grumbled in thought. But since she _was_ stranded and it _was_ starting to get cold out, she played nice.

“Sure. Okay.” She looked around, finally deciding to place the singing pillow on Emily’s bed.

They walked out to Hanna’s car. Alison took one last look at the outdoor decorations to make sure they were perfect and then climbed in the passenger’s seat.

The ride started out quiet…and awkward. They never really hung out without Emily. She wondered if Maya had been this awkward around Hanna. She couldn’t stop thinking about that photo and the card. Against her better judgment, she decided to pry for information.

“Hey, Hanna…what do you know about Maya?” Alison asked.

She saw Hanna stiffen up at the question. Her hands tightened on the steering wheel and her jaw locked.

_Well, that can’t be good…_

After a few seconds Hanna managed to calmly sink back into her seat. She glanced at Alison.

“You’d have to ask Emily about her,” she said.

Of course Emily’s best friend was like a steel trap. Of course she was the one person in Rosewood who couldn’t be tricked or bribed or bought. Hanna was dumb in a lot of ways, but when it came to social cues and anthropology she was off the charts brilliant.

“Every time I bring her up Emily gets really upset. I don’t want to upset her. I’m just curious. I don’t really know anything about her.” Alison fished for information.

But Hanna wasn’t giving it up. She shrugged. Alison knew she was going to have to think of a really good reason for Hanna to spill the beans.

“I was going to plant some flowers or a tree in her memory for Emily as a Christmas present.” Alison lied.

“In the middle of winter?” Hanna lifted a suspicious brow.

“Yes, Hanna, I’m going to jackhammer the frozen dirt wearing a parka.” She rolled her eyes, automatically going into defense mode. She realized she was verging on _Bitchy Ali_ so she reined it in. “I’m talking about doing it in the spring. I just thought I’d look in to a place to do it.” Wow, that was good. _Really_ good for coming up with it on the fly. “But I don’t know anything about Maya or what she liked, so I don’t even know the first place to look. I don’t know what she was like.”

She saw Hanna’s stance change, loosening a bit. She kept her eyes on the road.

“Yeah.” Hanna sighed. “Emily doesn’t really like talking about her. Too many memories.”

“What about you? Did you know her?”

Hanna shook her head.

“Not really. We only met a few times.” She paused and Alison saw her tongue rolling against her cheek, like she was deep in thought, trying to choose her words carefully. “She was really outspoken. And completely fearless.”

“Emily mentioned that before, in one of the few times she’s talked about her. She sounds like she was pretty cool.” Alison grit her teeth, trying not to be jealous of the dead girl, but she couldn’t stand to picture Emily with anyone else.

“She was. She really brought out the best in Em.”

 _You don’t have to fucking rub it in._ Alison glared at her. She knew, just _knew_ it was a shot at her.

“So…what happened?” Alison asked.

“What do you mean what happened? She died,” Hanna said with a shrug.

_Duh, Hanna. HOW did she die? Did the same person who hurt Emily and give her those scars hurt Maya, too? Give me a fucking name so I can sit on a grassy knoll and fire a shotgun at them._

“I don’t know the specifics. Like I said, you’d have to ask Emily. But I do know that her death pretty much destroyed her.” She paused, something weighing heavily on her mind. “She blamed herself. I think she still does to some extent.”

“Why?”

She saw Hanna make a strange face, like maybe she’d said too much. There was a long pause. Alison was so over the dramatic pauses. She felt like grabbing Hanna and shaking the information loose.

“Because that’s just who Emily is,” Hanna finally said. “She’s noble to a fault.”

_What aren’t you telling me? You can talk for twenty hours about sequins, but you can’t give me ANYTHING else to go on here? You are frustrating as hell, Marin. Just fucking spill it for fuck’s sake. Do I have to string you up by your toes to get you to talk? Because I’ll do it..._

But instead of blowing her top like she wanted to Alison bit through a smile and nodded politely.

“I imagine it was tough for her. Did she lean on Maya’s family?”

Maybe an older brother? Maybe she could find him and ask him. Or maybe he was the one who had hurt Emily and she could fuck him up. And who was Lily? It’s not that she was surprised to see that Emily got along with children. She got along with everyone. But the little girl had someone in her life who cared enough to make sure Emily got her sweet messy Christmas writing in braille. It had to be someone in her family. She knew that Wayne had a sister and a brother, but did Pam have any siblings?

“I mean...Maya seems like she would be someone who had a family who loved her. And Emily seems to be really good at making friends with pretty much everyone.” Alison’s mother was proof of that. Jessica hated everyone, but she tolerated Emily. She even seemed to like her a little. “I bet they really needed each other after Maya died. Did they find support in one another?”

“Yeah. Kinda,” was all Hanna said in response.

Alison felt like begging for more information, but when Hanna didn’t say anything more she didn’t push it. She didn’t want to arouse suspicions. It was clear that whatever Emily had haunting her…Hanna wasn’t going to betray her confidence. The car got quiet and the awkward air returned. Alison nervously drummed her fingers against her thigh.

“So, what are you getting Caleb for Christmas?”

Hanna glanced over at her in surprise, like Alison had suddenly grown antlers and a beard or something. It’s like Hanna didn’t believe that Alison truly cared. It gave Alison a little perspective.

_God, was I really that terrible to her? To everyone?_

“He likes stargazing, so I got him a new lens for his telescope. And he’s needed a new set of noise canceling headphones for a while, so I got him those, too.”

Alison had no idea that Caleb was into astronomy, though it shouldn’t have surprised her. The universe was like a giant computer with all of its complex theories and vast scientific multiverses. Everything connected to everything.

“That’s cool,” Alison said. It sounded forced, even though she was trying to be nice. _God, I suck at small talk_. “I bet he’ll like them both.”

Hanna nodded. There was another beat of silence.

“What about you?” Hanna finally broke the quiet tension. “Got anything special in mind for Em?” She glanced at her. “Aside from the Maya flower thing?” Her tone suggested she still didn’t believe Alison about that.

“It’s still in the works.” Alison decided not to give too much away.

“Mmmhmm, does that mean you’ll be buying her a last minute gift card?” Hanna teased.

Alison laughed sarcastically.

“No. I just needed a little help putting it together, so I have to wait on Mrs. Fields to get back.”

Hanna was both intrigued and confused.

“Why? Did you buy her something from Ikea where all the instructions to put stuff together is in Swedish or something?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” Alison shrugged with a smile.

“So you get to know my secrets, but I don’t get to know yours?”

“More like I don’t trust you to not blab to Emily about what I’m getting her.”

That earned a tiny smile from Hanna. _Finally_. Some common ground.

Hanna pulled into Alison’s driveway and they said goodbye. Alison bolted into the house like her feet were on fire. She had almost been busted snooping in Emily’s life, not that it was necessarily a bad thing. Or was it?

Hanna was much smarter than Alison had ever given her credit for. Why hadn’t she come up with some simple lie to tell her? Why had she acted like such a spaz? She was off her game. She walked past the decorative Christmas tree that her parents put up to make the neighbors think they were normal.

The lights flickered and she reached up to turn the overhead lights on. She heard something moving in the kitchen. She reached for the poker next to the fireplace, ready to skewer any monsters that dared to try and cross her. She had sharper teeth than anything in the demon realm, she was sure of it.

 _You have watched too many monster movies._ She told herself. Or maybe she’d just been around monsters in the real world for too long.

She tightened her grip around the handle and inched towards the kitchen, suddenly super aware that her protector was in a state two time-zones away. She swallowed her fear and managed to put on a brave face. It was probably her brother.

“Jason?” Had he decided against his trip with his new work friends and decided to stay home for Christmas instead? There was no answer, so she called out his name again, this time in a stronger tone, “I’m not in the fucking mood for one of your games. So just…”

When the figure walked into view, sauntering towards her with two glasses of wine Alison dropped the fire poker in surprise.

“Cece!” Alison nearly screamed. She huffed out in shock. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, Merry, Merry to you, too.” Cece held her arms up like she was offended Alison’s first reaction hadn’t been to run into her open arms. “Hope you don’t mind. I let myself in with the hide-a-key.” She walked over to hand Alison a glass of wine. “A fake rock? How very suburban. That’s just _asking_ for you to get robbed.”

“Everyone in town is too afraid of us to come near this place.” Alison sat down on the couch. “So, what brings you to Rosewood? I thought you were going to Amsterdam with your new boy-toy?”

“Who? Colin? No, he’s long gone. I’ve moved down the alphabet to a bit of English pie named Dana.”

“You go through relationships faster than a teenage boy goes through socks and hand lotion.”

Cece laughed.

“You’re still a spiteful little thing, aren’t you?” She sat down on the couch next to Alison, tipping her wine glass up to take a sip.

“I thought that was one of the things you liked about me.” Alison replied, a little edge in her tone, but not for the reasons Cece thought.

Alison wasn’t comfortable with Cece cozying up next to her. Because she wasn’t Emily.

“Aw, don’t be jealous, dumpling. You know you’re still my favorite.” Cece teased, taking another sip of her wine.

Alison stared at her glass for a moment before mirroring Cece’s actions and taking a sip of her own drink. The alcohol tasted warm going down. She hated the taste, but she liked the way it made her feel. But the awful bitterness of it lingered in her mouth for days. She didn’t drink very often, because she saw what it did to her family. Somehow she’d escaped the addiction bug that seemed to nibble at her brother and her parents. Or maybe her addiction was just in the form of a tall beautiful brunette.

They started talking, catching up. Time passed, the alcohol slowly started to disappear. It was an interesting way of keeping time, watching the disappearing liquid in a glass. But Alison watched as her drink faded into nothing but droplets.

“So how’s Europe?” Alison traced her finger around the rim of her empty glass before putting it down.

“An idealist’s idea.” Cece shrugged. “It’s fine, I suppose.” She smiled. “Just like any other country, but with better appreciation for the little things. And shittier weather.” She put her wine glass down next to Alison’s. “So, tell me about Americano.”

Alison suddenly felt warm _without_ the booze. Emily made her feel all tingly and excited. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, and the rest of her body. She felt like her entire body was blushing.

“She’s so amazing, Cece. You would love her. She’s smart. And funny. Beautiful.” She sighed dreamily. “And completely fearless. She’s not afraid to speak her mind. She’s just...she’s so perfect.” She gushed. She was fucking _gushing_. Over a girl. “She makes me see things in a different light…like the world is brighter and more alive just because she’s in it.” She pressed her lips together in a drunken smile. “I should probably call her to see how she’s doing.” She bit her bottom lip. “She…”

She turned towards Cece and just as she made eye contact with her she felt Cece’s hand pressing against her cheek, swiftly moving to the back of her neck to pull her in for a kiss. She felt Cece’s lips move against hers. Her body completely tensed up at the intrusive motion. She’d kissed Cece hundreds of times before, but this particular kiss made her feel something she’d never felt with Cece before: disgust. She immediately pulled away.

“What are you doing?” Alison all but scrambled to the other side of the couch to get away from her.

“Just wanted to be sure.” Cece acted like it was nothing. She grabbed a compact mirror from her purse and fixed her lipstick.

“You couldn’t have just _asked_ like a normal person?” Alison snapped angrily. “Why would you do that? I’m not going to cheat on her!”

“Oh _relax_. Don’t be so dramatic, Ali.” Cece rolled her eyes. “ _I_ kissed you. You pushed me away. End of story.”

“No! Not end of story! I have to tell Emily now.” It crushed her to think that she might hurt her.

“Wow, you _really_ aren’t kidding about this one.” Cece seemed impressed. “You actually took my advice to heart.”

“This isn’t some game, Cece. I’m in love with her.”

“You know what I’m in love with right now?” Cece put her compact away. “The idea of a nice stiff drink and a _really_ good lay.”

“I’m with Emily,” Alison said, almost aggressively.

“I didn’t say I wanted it with you, did I?” Cece smiled and winked at her.

“Why did you come here tonight? Did you think I would hook up with you?”

“I came specifically to make sure you _didn’t_.” Cece smirked at her, standing up and tidying her dress.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Alison asked.

“Listen, kid, don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not worthy of this girl.” Cece flipped her light colored tresses over her shoulder as she turned around to face Alison. “ _Especially_ yourself. You have been going on and on for _weeks_ with the self-hatred. It needs to stop. You’ve changed, Ali. The old Alison would have put on her sluttiest outfit and hit the bars with me until we found some fresh play-toys.” She paused. “Or we would have fucked one another senseless.” She said in a matter of fact manner. “You never could turn this mouth down.” She licked her lips seductively. “Yet you did tonight. Here you are sitting all doped up on wine on a Saturday night getting ready to call your girlfriend to make sure _she’s_ okay.” She smiled as she walked towards the door.

“You are so fucking weird.” Alison shook her head. “This was all some sort of test?”

“Think of it as more of a…gentle reminder. Told you that you had a heart, sweetie.” She smoothed down her hair with a wicked smile on her face. “If you need me you know where to find me.”

“Hey, Cece…” Alison called out after her.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“Any time, doll. If you want to hang while I’m in town just hit me up.”

“Merry Christmas.” Alison smiled.

Cece had a devious glint in her eye, a sparkle of her bad side that used to turn Alison on. But it did nothing for her anymore. Cece let out a fake sigh and then turned her “emotional voice” up to ten as she mockingly quoted _“A Christmas Carol”_ ,

“Godbless us. Every one.” Cece threw her arm up dramatically as she reached for the door with her free hand.

“Bitch.” Alison shook her head with a laugh.

“Ho.” Cece winked over her shoulder.

“Ho ho.” Alison muttered as she watched Cece disappear out the front door.

Cece turned around and gave her one last wink as she pulled the door closed behind her. As Alison watched the last chapter of her old life close in front of her very eyes she realized exactly how far she’d truly come. Cece was right. She wasn’t the same old Alison DiLaurentis that picked up random girls and boys and dragged them to the bathroom of whatever sleazy frat party they’d ended up at. She wasn’t the same girl who preyed on other people’s insecurities and picked them apart. She wasn’t the spite-filled ball of anger who had blinded Emily and hurt Jenna and Toby. She was different. Emily brought out the best in her.

The wine in her veins made her feel warm, but it was the love in her heart that was keeping out the cold. She reached for her phone so she could call her girlfriend. She wanted the last thing she heard before she fell asleep to be that sweet raspy voice of hers.

Alison’s call was a welcome distraction from the impending doom Emily always felt before her father was shipped off to war. They talked for hours that night, Alison somehow hearing everything and nothing that Emily was saying. Every word felt like a gift to her. Every breath felt like magic. She was worried that perhaps she was putting Emily on a pedestal, but then she realized she didn’t care if she was. Emily had a magnetic pull, and Alison didn’t mind being drawn in by her gravity.

Emily was just as in awe of Alison. Over the few short months they’d spent together she’d gotten a glimpse into Alison’s heart and she loved what she saw…what she felt. Her body and soul ached for the blonde in a desperate way. Every time that she heard Alison’s voice or felt her touch she was reminded that love was worth the risk. Alison was a grip on reality that Emily felt like she’d lost long ago. Being with her brought her back into a beautiful world filled with hope. Even with her dad’s deployment looming she felt like she’d be okay as long as she had Alison in her life.

As the date of Wayne’s departure drew near Emily felt the same old feelings of desolate fear creeping up on her. The days went by all too quickly for the Fields family. Emily felt numb the entire time she was on base with her dad. It was a coping mechanism she’d developed when she was younger. She couldn’t feel the pain if she refused to let it in.

She blocked out the final part of her trip, the part where she had to say goodbye. She tried to fall back on Alison’s advice to hug him and tell him she loved him, but the pain was overwhelming. Leaving him was hard. She felt like a ghost walking through the airport with her mom, like she was out of her body and it was happening to someone else. She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t seem to muster up the energy.

It wasn’t until the plane landed in Rosewood that she felt a heavy pit in her stomach, a ball of anxiety that always flooded her after she’d said goodbye. The mental block that she’d put up had been breached. She listened to the sound of the jet engines as they pulled into the terminal. She let out a shaky breath. She knew at the very least that Alison was waiting on her.

Alison had volunteered to pick them up from the airport while everyone else got ready to put on the Christmas lightshow at the Fields’ house. Neither Pam nor Emily knew about the surprise that was awaiting them at home.

It had all been planned down to the very last second, starting with the Christmas mix playlist that Alison had put together for the ride to the Fields house. When they climbed in the car she had the volume set high enough to where they could hear it, but low enough that they could engage in conversation. She knew most of Emily’s favorite Christmas songs already, but she’d gotten a list of Pam’s favorites from Toby.

She saw Pam smile when she got into the backseat with Ace and heard Otis Redding’s _Merry Christmas Baby_ on the speakers. Wayne did a bang-up impression of Otis Redding, and the song had always made her smile.

“How was the flight?” Alison asked when Emily climbed in next to her.

“We hit a little turbulence, but other than that it was fine.” Emily smiled.

Alison could see the hurt she was trying to hide, the pain beneath her smile. She wouldn’t tell her even if she _was_ struggling.

They made small-talk on the way. Alison made sure that Emily’s mom felt included. She’d pull her into the conversation by asking her about her favorite traditions, already knowing the answers because she’d helped decorate their house. She’d learned a lot about the Fields family, though some of it still remained a mystery.

She glanced at Emily, still wondering about the picture and the card she’d found in her room. Why didn’t she ever talk about Maya? Why wouldn’t she talk about her scars? Her past? Who was that boy? And who was Lily? She didn’t really know a lot about Emily’s past. Just bits and pieces. It’s not like Emily hadn’t opened up to her. It’s just that she wasn’t talking about the things Alison wanted to hear about.

She wanted to ask her about the card and about Maya and the boy in the photo with them, but then she’d have to admit she was snooping in her room. She was annoyed that Emily hadn’t brought it up. That seemed like something that girlfriends would talk about. But then she remembered that she had a secret she was hiding, too, and she quickly shifted to the internal self-hatred that Cece had warned her about.

When they pulled into their neighborhood Alison slowed down to let Pam appreciate the decorations. She’d heard from Toby that their family had always loved looking at the lights.

“Sure is festive here this year.” Pam smiled, looking out the window as Alison drove by the decorative houses.

“My dad has always been big on decorating.” Emily told Alison.

“It’s interesting that you bring that up.” Alison turned the corner towards the Fields’ house. She pulled up to the curb of their place.

Emily heard an audible gasp come from the back of the car.

“Mom?” She turned around. “Are you okay?” _Oh, shit. Is she having a heart attack?_

Pam stared with teary-eyes at her house, decorated exactly the way Wayne would have done it. She saw carolers standing outside. They could hear them singing _Deck the Halls_.

Alison pulled her phone out, sending a text that Emily’s dad had been waiting on. It simply said,

_“They’re home.”_

“Whose idea was this?” Pam couldn’t take her eyes off of the lights.

Seconds later Pam’s and Emily’s phones both went off. Emily’s was buried in her bag. Pam pulled her phone out to see that her husband had sent a video message. She hit play and Wayne’s voice filled the car,

 _“Merry Christmas to my beautiful girls,”_ he said with a smile.

“Was that dad?” Emily furrowed her brow in confusion.

“He called your aunt and uncle to coordinate getting the house decorated. And a bunch of us heard about it, and…well…” Alison rolled down Emily’s window so she could clearly hear the carolers.

Pam squinted and she suddenly realized that the carolers weren’t just carolers. The group of singers was filled with people they knew. Wayne’s sister and her husband. Hanna and Caleb. Ashley and Ted. Spencer and Toby. Aria and Ezra.

They climbed out of the car, Pam walking towards their friends. Emily listened to the sounds of the voices of her family and friends. Alison took her hand. Emily curled her fingers into Alison’s palm and smiled.

“Thank you,” she said softly. “I don’t think you realize what this means to her…to _us_.”

“Don’t thank me. I was just a helper elf.”

“Alison DiLaurentis in red Birkenstock tights and a little green hat?” Emily laughed picturing Alison in an elf costume.

“Hey, I can pull _anything_ off.” Alison replied smoothly.

“Is that so?” Emily smirked, a tight smile on her face that let Alison know _exactly_ what Emily was picturing her “pulling off”.

They heard Emily’s mother burst into laughter across the yard. Emily couldn’t help but smile. Her mother had been in so much pain when they’d left Texas. Emily had been able to feel her emotions. So hearing her laugh meant the world to her. Alison saw Emily facing towards where her mother was.

“This was your dad’s vision,” Alison said quietly, trying to tiptoe around it out of sensitivity. Instead of pain, Alison saw a smile on Emily’s face. “He wanted to make sure you and your mother had an unforgettable Christmas.”

“He’s always big with the grand gestures. Even when I was little,” Emily said. “One year he made snow for me in a blender.”

“The only thing my parents use a blender for is margaritas and Kahlua-infused protein shakes.” Alison muttered.

Emily reached up and rubbed Alison’s arm. The blonde pretended her parents’ actions didn’t hurt her, but Emily knew Alison yearned for a mom and dad who actually cared about her, a normal _loving_ family. It’s something Emily realized she’d taken for granted for years when she was younger. Her parents loved her more than anything.

Alison’s body relaxed under Emily’s touch. She smiled at her. God, she’d missed her.

“Em!” Hanna called out.

The adults and teens were drifting away from one another. Pam was talking to Ashley, Ted, and her brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

“Go ahead.” Alison took a step back to open the back door. “I’ll get Ace.” Her foot slipped on a patch of black ice on the pavement.

Emily heard her shoe scuff the gravel. Fortunately the rest of the ground was dry, so she only faltered a little bit. She gasped as her arms whirled a little as she tried to stay balanced. Emily’s hand shot out and grabbed Alison’s arm, catching her bicep, helping her steady herself. It never ceased to amaze Alison that she was so perceptive.

“Looks like you might need Ace more than me.” Emily teased. “You okay?”

“I fall for you every time I see you.” Her face burned, blood rushing to her cheeks. _Fuck. I really went there._ She paused and then brushed imaginary dirt off of her pants. “Don’t tell the others I said that.”

“You really missed me, huh?” Emily chuckled.

_More than you know._

Alison chuckled, her cheeks rosy, though whether it was from the cold or embarrassment she couldn’t tell. She reached in and unbuckled Ace’s harness and he hopped out of the car and moved over next to Emily.

“Your guide dog, madam.” Alison reached out and took Emily’s hand, putting Ace’s lead in her palm.

“Oh, mm, I don’t have any cash on me for a tip. Do you accept kisses as a form of payment?” Emily joked.

“I’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” Alison wrapped her arm around Emily’s arm and pulled her closer.

Her body heat felt good against Alison’s chilly skin. She’d stupidly decided to forgo the coat tonight. Or she’d done it subconsciously because she wanted Emily to keep her warm. She thought about it. Definitely subconscious. Her horny little brain…

“Like Alison DiLaurentis has a boss?” Emily snorted.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Alison grinned.

She leaned forward, pushing her toes against the ground and moving Emily’s cheek towards her.

“Your request for payment has been accepted.” She brushed her lips over Emily’s.

She felt Emily grinning against the kiss. Suddenly, Alison wasn’t so cold anymore. Though Emily had only been gone a few days, it felt like it had been forever since she’d tasted her lips. Their gentle peck was over far too quickly for Alison’s liking, but then she remembered they were in front of a bunch of their friends, _and_ several adults.

She glanced over and saw Pam turned to the side talking to Toby’s mom. Toby’s dad was chatting with Ted and Ashley. None of them had seen the kiss, or if they had they didn’t seem to care. Their friends, however, were already teasing them with “oooohs” and “aahhhhs” and making kissy faces at them.

“Get a room, you two.” Hanna laughed, throwing her arm around her best friend’s neck and pulling her in for a hug.

“I missed you, too, Hanna.” Emily replied sarcastically. She hugged her back. Tightly.

The two of them had a long-standing rule about when the other traveled anywhere. It had started the first time Emily had moved away. The two of them had been crying and carrying on in the airport like they were never going to see each other again. At seven years old, it seemed like the end of the world to know that your best friend wouldn’t be just down the street anymore. The “forever” hug had been Emily’s idea. She’d told Hanna that maybe if they hugged each other tight enough their parents wouldn’t be able to pry them apart. As they got older it morphed more into a sense of relief that the other had arrived safely.

“Was the flight okay?” Hanna asked, pulling away.

“It was fine.” Emily nodded. “I can’t believe you guys did all of this for us.”

“If it makes you feel any better I was forced.” Caleb chuckled lightly.

“Same here. I was threatened with coal in my stocking if I didn’t sing.” Ezra added, glancing at Alison, who had been the one responsible for the threat.

“I didn’t hear any baritone in that choir. Coal all around for you!” Alison said with a laugh.

“Joke is on you.” Ezra smiled a cheeky smile. “I’m Jewish. I already had my holiday.”

Alison didn’t know what to say to that. She had no idea that Ezra was Jewish. She really needed to start paying more attention to the people around her. What else didn’t she know?

“Also, I’m a tenor.” Ezra shrugged.

Alison peered at him. What a little smart-ass.

_Damn, four months at college and he’s suddenly got balls._

“And Fitz for the win.” Toby slapped him a low five.

“Boys, settle down.” Spencer rolled her eyes. “And make yourself useful.” She motioned towards the car.

Caleb and Ezra walked around the car. Caleb opened the driver’s side door.

“Uh, we don’t need valet parking.” Alison frowned in confusion.

“Wouldn’t get very far without the keys.” Spencer pointed to the keys hanging out of Alison’s pocket.

“I wouldn’t count Caleb out. He was hot-wiring Big Wheels when he was still in diapers.” Hanna grinned.

Caleb leaned down and pulled the lever to release the trunk and then he turned to his friends and girlfriend with a smarmy look on his face.

“Like I’d steal a Honda? My Grandmother wouldn’t even be caught dead in one.”

“Was that a shot at me, Rivers?” Alison puffed up.

Caleb just smiled back at her. Hanna had a smirk on her face, too. She was proud of her boyfriend. Sometimes when he copped an attitude it made him look so sexy.

“It’s my mom’s car, by the way.” Alison added. “So, I’ll just give her the message and let her get back to you. But fair warning, her aim with wine glasses is on point.”

Caleb chuckled. He and Ezra unloaded the bags.

“Oh, boys…you don’t have to…” Pam called across the lawn.

“We insist.” Ezra put Pam’s suitcase against the ground and then closed the trunk.

“They’re paying penance for lack of joy!” Emily called back.

Pam gave her an odd look and then shook her head and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, _“Well, I raised her…”_

They ran the suitcases inside while the girls lingered on the porch and said goodnight.

“Thanks again for this.” Emily smiled at her friends. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was to have people in her life who cared so much about her.

Toby and his parents were the first to break away and head for their car. Spencer went with them, because they were giving her a ride back to her place.

“I love you, Em, but my nips are freezing, so we’re gonna head out,” Hanna said unapologetically, rubbing her palms against her arms.

Everyone, including Alison, laughed. Hanna made a beeline for Caleb’s car, which he’d already started and was letting warm up for her.

“Glad you’re back in time for Christmas.” Caleb smiled. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

The second he said it he realized Alison’s eyes were on him. She frowned. Why was Caleb calling Emily? Were they close like that? She’d never heard Emily say she talked to him on the phone. Caleb wasn’t really a “talk on the phone” guy. Before Alison could butt in and ask anything he was already several strides away and almost at his car.

“Are you still coming tomorrow night for Christmas Eve karaoke?” Aria asked hopefully. “My mom is making her candy cane brownies.”

“Even _this_ kosher boy will run a train on some of Mrs. Montgomery’s candy-cane brownies while singing _Here Comes Santa Claus_.” Ezra tried to entice them.

“I wouldn’t miss it.” Emily replied, giving Aria a hug.

Aria muttered something to Emily that Alison couldn’t hear and Emily nodded discreetly. Alison was still too thrown by what Caleb and Emily were up to that she didn’t even see Aria’s exchange with her girlfriend. As Aria and Ezra were walking away Alison glanced at Emily.

“So…you and Caleb do the phone thing now?” She questioned curiously, trying not to sound like an envious little shit.

“Just once in a while. He knows what it’s like to not have a dad around.”

Though their situations were different. Caleb’s parents had abandoned him at a convenience store when he was four. Fortunately his mom’s brother had come to get him at the police station, but they didn’t have the means to take care of him, so he’d ended up in foster care. Alison knew that much.

It bothered her that Emily didn’t want to confide in her about whatever she was going through. Did Emily not think she could relate and understand? She wanted Emily to be able to confide in her. She wanted Emily to talk to her. She wanted her to know that she understood her plight. After all, Alison’s dad might as well have been millions of miles away. Then again, she wasn’t sure she’d miss him if he was gone. She looked forward to his business trips. It was always a relief to know he wouldn’t be home.

Alison thought about Caleb and what she knew about his home life and it suddenly dawned on her why Hanna gravitated towards him: her dad was also an absentee asshole. They had that in common. Alison thought about it and she realized what a sorry bunch of jerkoffs the adult males in Rosewood were. Aside from Emily’s dad she couldn’t think of one father that didn’t have monumental jackass tendencies. They were all the same privileged sanctimonious assholes that thought their word was the law, and God help anyone who disagreed with them.

“Caleb has a buddy stationed overseas, too,” Emily continued. “An old foster brother. Travis. Sometimes we chat about that. And we’ve been exhausting our options on what to get Hanna for Christmas. She can be impossible to buy for sometimes, so we bounce ideas off of one another.”

Alison didn’t say anything, but Emily could tell just by the shift in the mood that Alison didn’t like it. She could tell she’d made her feel inferior.

“Relax. He’s Hanna’s _boyfriend_. He’s like my brother. It’s not like _that_. He’s not my type. Not nearly blonde enough.” Emily soothed Alison’s jealousy. “Or female enough.”

Alison nodded in satisfaction knowing that Emily was hers and hers alone. And then she was hit by a sudden wave of guilt. Because she was out here judging Emily for talking on the phone with someone else, someone Alison knew was not in to her…and she’d kissed Cece. Emily wasn’t the cheater. She was. She’d been disloyal in the past. She’d been unfaithful to the only _real_ girlfriend she had back in tenth grade. She’d hooked up with someone else when they were together. It had given her a certain reputation. Would Emily even believe her if she told her the truth about Cece?

“Ali?” She heard Emily’s voice. She glanced up at her, seeing her reflection chewing her lip in Emily’s sunglasses. “Where’d you go?”

“I’m right here.”

“Not what I meant.” Emily reached out, taking her hand. “What’s on your mind?”

Alison sighed heavily, her guilt eating away at her. She already felt like shit for blinding Emily. Now she’d _cheated_ on her, too? But…was it really cheating if she hadn’t instigated it? And she’d put a stop to it right away. Alison pulled Emily towards the porch swing and they both sat down.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Emily gripped her hand.

“Em, something happened when you were out of town,” Alison said. “Cece came by for a visit.”

“Oh?”

“It’s nothing bad, nothing like that.” Alison spit out nervously.

Though it felt like the end of the world, because what if she lost her over it? She couldn’t lie to her about it though. She already had too many secrets from her. And she’d made up her mind the minute it happened that she wouldn’t hide it from Emily.

“She…we were…I thought she just came by to catch up. But she kissed me.” She blurted out, terrified that Emily was going to rip her hand away and never talk to her again. She quickly added. “But I pushed her away. I don’t want anyone but you, Emily. I told her that. In fact, _you_ were all I could talk about. I don’t…I don’t know why she thought that I’d be into it. I promise I would never do anything to hurt you…”

She explained the situation, fumbling over her words, because she _cared_. She cared what Emily was feeling. She watched Emily carefully. She waited for the inevitable explosion, the angry rage, the _“I never want to talk to you again”_ declaration and the tears.

Instead, Emily did something Alison wasn’t used to, she _listened_ …without judgment.

“I’m sorry, Em.” She tried to fight back her tears. Because she was certain this was it. She was certain Emily would kick her to the curb. “It will never happen again, I swear. I’ll never even talk to Cece again.”

_Holy shit, am I seriously considering ghosting one of my best…my ONLY friends over this?_

Alison surprised herself. But she would. She’d cut Cece off entirely if it meant she would be able to keep Emily in her life. Was this what love did to people? Was it unhealthy? Or was it just desperation? Was she so afraid of living without her that she’d do _anything_ for her? There was no question she would move Heaven and Earth for the girl. But it still scared Alison how strongly she felt.

“Don’t.” Emily shook her head, and Alison was sure _“ever speak to me again”_ was going to follow, but instead Emily said, “Don’t cut her out of your life just because of one mistake.”

 _Um, what?_ Alison felt like a deer caught in the headlights of a fast moving vehicle.

She wasn’t sure how to react to Emily’s passiveness.

“You’re not mad?” Alison blinked in disbelief.

“Why would I be mad?” Emily asked. “You told her you were taken and she backed off, right?”

“She _knew_ I was taken and she did it anyway.”

“Says more about her than it does about you.” Emily managed to say it without an ounce of anger. “Look, I know you two have a history. I can’t change that. And I wouldn’t ask you to.”

Because Emily understood better than anyone what it was like to have history with someone.

Alison sat motionless in disbelief for a few seconds. She was so confused by Emily’s reaction. Because she knew if someone put their lips on Emily she would fly into a rage and set something on fire. But Emily wasn’t like Alison, and she was still trying to get used to her train of thought.

“Emily, why aren’t you more pissed off about this?”

“What do you want me to do? Hop a plane to England and kick her ass?” Emily questioned.

For a second Alison got lost in picturing Emily in beast mode and she forgot what they were even talking about.

“If we don’t have trust then what’s the point?” Emily stroked her hand. “The important thing to me is that you stopped her. _And_ you told me. I mean, this is high school. Shit happens. It’s not the end of the world. I’m not _happy_ about it, but I don’t have it in me to fight every person who thinks you’re beautiful, because then I would basically be fighting the whole world.”

Alison smiled and felt her cheeks get hot. It didn’t matter how often she heard Emily call her beautiful, because it felt like the first time every time. It felt genuine.

“Life is too short for games, Ali. Either we’re in this together or we’re not.”

“Together.” Alison gripped Emily’s hand between her palms. “Definitely together.”

“That’s all I need to know. Just promise me that I’m the one you want to be with, and that even if people hit on you or try to kiss you that you’ll do exactly what you did when Cece kissed you, and I’ll believe you.”

“I’m yours and _only_ yours, Em. I promise.” She squeezed her hand with purpose.

Emily smiled. She reached up to cup Alison’s face. Seconds later their lips touched. Alison shivered when she felt Emily’s lips move against hers. This kiss felt like a promise…a way for her to right her past wrongs and to prove that she loved Emily…and that she would never stop loving her. There was an invisible connection between them that neither one of them could deny. Alison wanted to say the words. _I love you, Emily._ But they got caught in her throat.

Emily pulled away and ran her fingers against Alison’s cheek. The tension in her jaw was gone, but there was still an eerie restlessness Alison was fighting against. Emily could feel a tightness beneath her fingers.

“You okay?” Emily asked.

“You’re really not mad?” Alison asked skeptically. It felt like a trap.

“You’re really freaked out about this, aren’t you?” Emily asked with a soft laugh.

_Why aren’t you?_

“You got something else brewing in your mind? More little secrets eating away at you?” Emily questioned, her tone joking, but it still hit a nerve in Alison.

_I set Toby’s garage on fire. I blinded you. I have been trying to cyberstalk your dead ex. I grilled your best friend about your past. I snooped in your room…_

“Nope.” Alison shook her head. “Just…surprised. Any other person would have accused me of lying. Why were you so quick to believe me?”

“Because no one else knows you like I know you.” Emily smiled.

The statement rang true. Emily had a sense about her. There were things that Alison had been blind to before she met her, but in seeing Emily it had opened up her eyes. How had she gotten so lucky?

“You’re too good for me.” Alison sighed, completely disregarding what Cece had told her about not looking down on herself.

Emily lowered her hand, moving her palm against Alison’s neck.

“That’s bullshit,” she said assuredly. “No one is perfect.”

_Liar. I’m looking at perfection right now._

Emily sucked in a chilly gust of air through her nose and Alison could hear her shaking as she exhaled. Beyond her relaxed façade Alison could see that she was exhausted. What must she be going through after saying goodbye to her dad?

She touched Emily’s arm and ran her fingertips over the goosebumps that had formed on her skin. Alison’s face tightened in worry. Despite the fact that Emily’s hands…her _body_ was warm, Alison could feel that there was an internal chill she couldn’t shake, an emotional freeze clutching her internal organs, including her heart.

“You should get inside before you catch a cold.” Alison moved to stand up, pulling Emily to stand with her.

“You sound like my Grandmother.” Emily chuckled.

“Old people are wise for a reason. They’ve been around the block a time or two. They know what’s up.” Alison pulled her towards the front door.

“Do you want to come in for a little while?” Emily asked.

“No, I’ve got to get home.” _I know you and your mom need some time._ The truth was that Alison was dying to go in with her. But it would be selfish to impose. “Oh, but…um…there’s pot stickers in the fridge. I assumed you guys would be tired from the flight. Last thing I wanted you two to worry about was what to do for dinner. They should be ready to go. They just need to be heated up.”

“You made us dinner?” Emily asked in surprise.

“It’s my Grandma’s recipe.” Alison nodded. “I remembered you saying you liked pot stickers. They may not be as good as your mom’s, but at least you don’t have to cook tonight.”

“Running my family around like a taxi _and_ cooking us food? Total girlfriend move.” Emily grinned.

“Hey, you know me. I shoot to score.” She realized what it sounded like the second it came out of her mouth. _She thinks I did this to get in her pants!_ “Um…not that _that’s_ what I had in mind…” _Except for every second of every day._

Emily laughed. She couldn’t help but smile when she heard Alison getting so flustered. She was new and confused about love. She was like a kitten trying to discover how that little bell got caught in the ball she was batting around.

“Well, it was nothing but net from the three point line, so you get MVP.” Emily smiled. She rocked their hands between them, slightly swinging their arms. “You got plans tomorrow morning?”

“Not if they don’t involve you.”

“Great. I’ll be by at 9. We’re going out.” She said it so matter of factly that it surprised Alison.

Normally, Alison wasn’t a fan of getting up before ten on her days off of school. But for Emily she’d stay up all night and rise early every morning.

“Going out…where?”

“It’s a surprise.” Emily lifted her brows. “Wear something warm. And closed-toed shoes.”

“Okay.” Alison’s body jazzed in excitement.

They kissed goodnight and then Alison forced herself to pry herself away from Emily. Emily listened as she shuffled over the hard ground and climb into her car. Once she was safely inside and had started the engine Emily walked inside her house.

Alison was certainly in the holiday spirit on the way home. She had no idea what tomorrow had in store for her, but that only excited her. It would be unforgettable. She knew that much. She tossed and turned in bed, restless for morning to just come already so she could see her girlfriend again. Because Christmas with Emily Fields was better than any other Christmas present she could have asked for.


	19. Do You See What I See?

* * *

**Chapter 19:**

**Do You See What I See?**

Alison rolled over in her bed in the wee hours of the dawn of Christmas Eve unaware that Emily was already up and going to work on her plan. She’d been working on it for weeks. Even when she’d left town she’d made sure to stay on track with everything.

Alison laid on her back, staring at the line of moonlight that was spilling through her partially open curtains. The reflection of light was bouncing off of the ceiling. She was in such a good mood that not even her brother’s snoring down the hall bothered her. He’d come in late and crashed.

Seeing the looks on Pam’s and Emily’s faces when they’d gotten home had made her feel something she’d never felt: pride. And not the kind of pride that came from arrogance. It was the kind of pride that she valued from an introspective view. Giving was a hell of a lot more fun than she’d ever realized.

She grasped at the collar of the oversized shirt she was wearing. Emily’s shirt. She’d kept it after she’d spent the night at Emily’s house after Ben’s assault. She could still smell her scent on it. She gripped her sheets with her fingers and pulled them up to her chin and sighed happily. She knew that she was just a few hours away from spending time with her girlfriend.

 _Girlfriend_.

She still couldn’t believe it. It felt like a dream. That someone like Emily Fields would want someone like her. But Emily loved her, despite her past. There was no greater feeling in the world.

She closed her eyes and imagined Emily’s arms around her. She imagined being snuggled up close to her, smelling the sweet scent of her skin. She rolled her cheek to the side, nestling against her pillow, pretending it was the crook of Emily’s neck. It relaxed her so much that she fell asleep.

Her alarm went off at eight and she practically bounced out of bed. She dressed herself up in layers and found a pair of hiking boots she’d never even worn. Her parents had bought them for her for a family photo, but they’d ended up changing the theme at the last minute so they’d never even been pulled out of the box.

At 9 AM sharp she heard her doorbell and she bounded down the stairs in excitement. She felt like a little kid on Christmas. She’d never felt like that before.

 _Is this what it feels like to get a present you actually want?_ She thought to herself.

She opened the door and found Emily standing there with Ace. She had a huge smile on her face and was wearing a dark gray hoodie and dark exercise pants.

“I uh…I hope I didn’t wake anyone up,” she said quietly.

“Oh, we already did our Christmas photo last week. There was no reason for my mom and dad to stay in town.” Alison shrugged. “They left two days ago for a beach trip. And Jason could sleep through the _A-bomb._ ”

If he was even home. She hadn’t heard his snoring when she woke up. He came and went at all hours of the night. She never knew if he was in Rosewood or if he was halfway to New York partying with his friends, though he seemed to be settling down and actually acting like an adult lately.

“Did you find the pillow I was telling you about?” Alison asked.

“Actually, I forgot you mentioned it and when I got into bed last night it started singing and it freaked me out so I threw a punch at it. Pretty sure Ace laughed at me. When I realized what it was I apologized to it.”

“You apologized?”

“Yeah.”

“To…a pillow?”

“Of course.”

“Oh, Em.” Alison shook her head with a laugh. “So.” She walked out and pulled the door closed behind her. “Want to tell me what’s on the agenda?”

Emily smiled and pulled something out of her pocket. She held a blindfold out to Alison. Alison looked between the dog and Emily. What was she up to?

“You’re joking, right?” Alison delicately took the silky fabric from her.

“It’s part of the surprise.”

“Okay…” Alison licked her lips in uncertainty.

The second she put it on she felt nervous and vulnerable. She trusted Emily, but she’d done so much bad shit in her past that she wouldn’t put it past _anyone_ else she knew to blindfold her just to lead her to a cliff and shove her over it.

But at the same time she felt excited…and a little turned on. It was dangerous and seductive in a way. Because she could just imagine what it would feel like to feel Emily’s light touches against her body, a soft mattress against her back and Emily sensually kissing her stomach, unable to see where she would be going next.

“Let me know when you’re ready,” Emily said.

“Um, are you sure about this?” Alison shuffled nervously on her feet.

“Trust me.” Emily reached out with her free hand and wrapped her arm around Alison’s.

“I trust you with my life.”

She followed Emily’s steps. They walked down the driveway and around the bend and then Emily stopped and put Alison’s hand against something. Alison knew what it was immediately.

“A car?” Alison felt the door handle. “And who exactly is driving us? Ace?” She started to reach for the blindfold, but Emily stopped her with a quiet laugh.

“Just get in.” Emily used her hand to lead her into the back seat.

She helped her lower her head so she wouldn’t hit it on the door jamb. She climbed in the middle seat next to her. She tugged on Ace’s lead to get him into the car with them. He hopped up and sat down, waiting for his seat belt harness to be fastened. Emily made sure he was safely buckled in and then she latched her own belt.

“I hope you didn’t hire some stranger who is going to take us out into the middle of nowhere and murder us horribly.” Alison chewed her lip nervously.

“I wouldn’t be very good with the murder part.” A familiar voice replied. Alison smelled the scent of her mother’s patchouli oils and her perfume.

“Aria?” Alison asked.

“Don’t worry, Alison. I’m a vegetarian. I don’t believe in killing. No matter how much the senior class is willing to pay.” She laughed jokingly as she started the car.

Alison relaxed, reaching for Emily’s hand with a smile on her face. It felt different to touch her without being able to see her. She could see why touch meant so much to Emily, what it truly felt like to see someone without seeing them. She could only imagine that Emily was smiling, too.

She felt a little nervous not being able to see where they were going, but she told herself to suck it up. This was what Emily felt like _every_ day. She could manage for today. Alison nervously tapped her fingers against her thigh. She had no idea what to do with her hands.

“So, Aria…” Alison tried to take her mind off of not being able to see, “…how are you?”

She heard Emily snort and she elbowed her. She missed her ribs and ended up popping her in the boob instead. She gasped and was getting ready to apologize, but then Emily started laughing harder.

 _You little shit._ Alison narrowed her eyes behind the blindfold.

“Uh…fine, thanks?” Aria glanced in the rearview mirror. Alison wasn’t a person who did _‘small talk’_.

The car was quiet again and all Alison could see in her mind was Aria’s mom walking in on her and Emily. It kept playing over and over like a loop. She wondered if Aria knew about it. The Montgomerys seemed like a close-knit family who shared everything about everything. She imagined they’d thrown a party after Aria got her first period and went out to celebrate after she’d popped her cherry…if she’d popped her cherry. She’d been with Ezra forever. Surely they had…

 _Oh, god. Stop picturing it!_ She screamed at herself when she let her mind wander to Aria and Ezra doing the horizontal bop.

“How is your mom?” Alison blurted out. She had to get that image out of her head. _Quickly_. “Had any good chats with her lately?”

“You mean did she tell me about your little _rendezvous_ at school?” Aria chuckled.

_I fucking knew it. They talk about everything._

“It was the topic of conversation for _hours_ at dinner the other night. I’m writing a college entry essay on it.” Aria smarted sarcastically.

Another snort from Emily. Alison frowned in her general direction.

“I like it better when you don’t talk.” Alison mumbled.

The drive felt like it was taking forever. She felt every curve, every bump, every stopping motion. It was a wonder Emily didn’t get carsick all the time. Or maybe it was just the way Aria drove.

When they finally reached their destination Aria turned the ignition off. She didn’t say anything. She just helped the girls out of the car and made sure Emily had Ace’s lead. Emily wrapped her arm around Alison’s so that the hand she was holding Ace’s lead in was against Alison’s arm, in between them, so Alison could feel the motion of him moving forward, too.

“Can I take it off yet?” Alison asked like an anxious child. She wanted to see where they were, what Emily was planning.

“Not yet.” Emily tapped her stick against the ground with her other hand.

Aria guided Emily in the right direction and then she watched them disappear into the woods, following a path that Emily knew very well. When Aria first found out what Emily was planning she’d begged Emily to let her walk with them, because she was afraid one of them might get hurt, but Emily insisted that she could handle it. And usually when she said that she meant it. Aria called Ezra to let them know the girls were on their way.

Alison could hear and feel the crunch of the hard ground against her hiking boots. She’d definitely picked the right shoes. She clung to Emily. She wasn’t used to not being able to see. She hated it.

“Talk about the blind leading the blind, right?” Emily teased.

“Any hints on where we’re going?” Alison asked, trying to feel out where they were.

“Just listen,” Emily said. “And you tell me where you think we are.”

Alison nodded, slowly following Emily’s motions, trusting her to get them wherever they were safely. Since she couldn’t see she was concentrating more on what she heard. She heard something that sounded like branches rustling in the wind, and leaves grinding beneath her feet. She heard something skitter up a tree.

“The woods?” Alison guessed.

“Do you know _where_ in the woods?” Emily questioned, still walking forward, using her cane to make sure there wasn’t anything up ahead that would make them stumble, trip, or fall.

Alison got quiet and she listened again. But nothing came to her. They walked, talking quietly as they made their way to their destination. Alison could hear a gentle trickle of water.

“Okay.” Emily stopped moving.

She uncurled her arm from Alison’s and turned her body towards the running water.

“Tell me we’re not going skinny dipping in our winter clothes.”

“Wearing clothes would defeat the purpose.” Emily laughed. “But no.”

Emily reached up and touched her blindfold, her gloved fingers tracing the side of her face as she pulled the blindfold off.

Alison let out a quiet gasp. They were out by the waterfall next to the kissing rock. Where they’d had their first kiss. The trail they’d taken was shorter than the last time they’d come out because they’d come in from a different way.

The water was moving slowly because of the cold air, but it wasn’t completely frozen. There were fractals of ice crystals forming over the cove they’d swam in when they’d first come out. The areas that weren’t in the sunlight were starting to crystallize.

Then Alison saw the kissing rock. It had been decorated with an outdoorsy Christmas theme blended with French style décor. There was a picnic basket that was sitting up against the rock, two plates filled with croissants, tartine with jam, fruit, yogurt, and freshly squeezed orange juice. Off to the side there were crêpes that looked like they were to die for.

There was a small shelter that had been set up around it draped in heavy material to keep the wind from biting at their faces. There was what looked like a small battery powered space heater on the rock and environmentally friendly electric blankets so they’d be warm as they enjoyed their breakfast together.

“Merry Christmas, Alison.” Emily smiled. “Well, Merry Christmas _Eve_ morning at least.”

“Emily…” Alison was speechless. “You did all this?”

“I had help.” Emily had a bashful look on her face.

“This is…it’s amazing.”

She looked up at the cliffs by the other trail that came out this way. And she suddenly realized that they were standing out here alone. She looked at the dog, thankful he’d been guiding them. But what if he’d gotten turned around and they’d ended up lost or hurt?

“So all of this centered around Ace not walking us off of a cliff?”

“Yeah, it’s a good thing we’re not cartoons. Something tells me we would have been handed an anvil and then tumbled over faster.”

“You really do like to live dangerously.” She felt her body twinge with desire. Daring Emily was _so_ damn hot.

“We were never in any danger.” Emily assured her. “Ace knew where we were going. I’ve been planning this since Thanksgiving.”

 _Don’t fucking swoon._ Alison warned herself. She’d been thinking about this for _that_ long?

“Aria and I have been walking this trail twice a week for the past three weeks. After the third time I didn’t even have to bother directing him anymore. And she checked the trail with me this morning. I wanted to make sure we could get out here okay. I would never let anything happen to you.”

Alison smiled, squeezing her hand.

“And what about the set up over here?” She moved Emily over towards the kissing rock.

They could both feel the heat from the battery powered blankets radiating off of the rock. Emily had made sure to tell the boys to make sure everything was safe before they left. She didn’t want any creatures that were braving the winter to suffer electric shocks or anything. And the last thing she wanted to do was create a fire hazard. She had a chip on her shoulder about fires.

Ezra and Caleb had stayed at the set up until ten minutes after Aria had texted them to let them know they were coming. When they heard their voices through the trees they knew they were going to get there safely, so they’d headed back on another trail.

“Caleb and Ezra came out here ahead of us to get it all set up.”

Alison stopped when she reached the kissing rock.

“Hmm, Ezra doesn’t strike me as a woodsy type.” Alison was surprised.

Caleb she believed, but she couldn’t imagine Ezra’s delicate little effeminate fingers touching anything outdoors. He wouldn’t want to break a fingernail.

“Pretty sure he was in charge of the picnic basket.” Emily laughed.

“That makes more sense.”

All of this also explained another reason Emily would have needed to talk to Caleb last night.

Alison looked at the beautiful bounty before her, and she looked at the thoughtful woman who was responsible for it. She pulled Emily to sit down on a blanket with her. They could feel the heat almost immediately. Emily heard Alison giggle.

“What?” Emily asked.

“We’re like two lizards on a heat rock trying to stay warm.” She reached back for another blanket, wrapping it first around her shoulders and then around Emily’s.

“All that’s missing is slithering tongues.” Emily lifted her brows with a mischievous grin.

It was an invitation that Alison didn’t miss. She pulled Emily closer and pulled her sunglasses down. Emily tilted her chin up and their mouths met in a warm embrace, both their lips slightly parted. Alison slid her tongue into Emily’s mouth. Her breath tasted like mint and a hint of something sweet. Emily lightly pushed her tongue forward to get her taste of Alison before they enjoyed their breakfast. When they pulled away they had all but forgotten that it was cold outside.

“It’s those ghosts again.” Emily shook her head with a quiet laugh, her eyes starting to squint because of the cold air and the exposure to the light.

“Merry Christmas, ghosts.” Alison slid Emily’s sunglasses back on.

Alison reached down for Emily’s plate. It was sitting on a warmer, keeping the bread warm. Everything else was off to the side so it didn’t melt or turn into nothingness. She gave Emily her plate.

“You really didn’t have to do this,” Alison said softly, appreciatively, as she picked up her own breakfast.

“And you didn’t have to step up and help after we found out about my dad shipping out. But you did. Ali, _this_ is what girlfriends do.” She picked up the croissant and then put her plate down beside her.

She nibbled on the bread. Her stomach had been unsettled since she’d said goodbye to her dad yesterday.

Alison ate everything on her plate, unapologetically. Keeping up with carbs didn’t count during the holidays, at least not by her standards. Emily picked and ate at her food, finishing about half before she decided she was done.

“You aren’t going to finish?” Alison frowned. “You’re going to make me look like a pig in comparison.”

Emily laughed, but something about it seemed nervous. Alison saw her gloved fingers mindlessly tracing the rock. Reservation wasn’t something she normally saw at all in the brunette. Emily was always very strong in her convictions. Maybe she’d been more rattled by Cece kissing Alison than she had admitted. Or maybe she always acted like this after her dad was deployed.

“Hey, is something bothering you? I mean besides your dad…”

“I’m just still a little jet-lagged.” Emily shook her head.

“We can leave right now if you want. I’m perfectly fine with snuggling in a warm bed and watching a movie instead.”

“Alison DiLaurentis, I did not go through all of this trouble just to bail and do something as cliché and unoriginal as _that_ romantic comedy trope.”

“You’ve really been planning this since Thanksgiving?”

“Since the moment you asked me to be your girlfriend.” Emily nodded. “I knew I wanted to bring you back here. I was just waiting for the right moment.”

Alison looked at their surroundings. Since they’d last been there all the leaves had come down. The gray sky looked limitless. The boulders of the cliffs seemed to go on forever. And the cove looked like the scene out of a snowglobe.

“Why here?” Alison asked curiously.

“Hmm?” Emily looked up towards the sound of her voice.

“Why did you pick this place?” Of all places? Alison had rejected her here.

Emily’s nerves seemed to melt away, like just the sound of her voice brought her back from something hidden in herself. She pulled her gloves off and moved closer to Alison.

“I know our first kiss wasn’t exactly without its complications.” Emily slid her hand around until her fingers met Alison’s gloved fingers. “But it’s something I never want to forget. Because that’s the day that I realized just how deeply I cared for you, and how I never wanted to let you go. I know you weren’t sure what it meant at the time…”

Alison had known exactly what it meant. She’d stopped herself from going further with Emily that day _because_ of what it meant to her. It had scared the hell out of her to feel something so real.

“I knew, Em,” she replied quietly, moving to take her gloves off, because screw the cold. She wanted to feel Emily’s fingers against hers. “I knew. I was just…I was scared I wasn’t good enough for you.” She linked her fingers into Emily’s warm hands.

“Who put that idea in your head?”

There was a beat of silence. The only noise in the air was the sound of the trickling water trying to escape its icy confines.

“Me. I’ve…I’ve done things in the past I’m not proud of.” _Like blinding the most precious girl in the world._ “I was an ugly person. I cheated on my first girlfriend. I was horrible to people.” She thought about Ben and Noel. She often wondered how much her manipulation had caused them to turn into assholes. “I hurt people. Like _really_ hurt them.” She glanced at Emily with her shades on. Emily still didn’t know the truth. Alison wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to tell her. “I had done so much bad that I thought that anything good…” Anything as pure as love, “…would be nothing more than a cosmic joke ripped away from me at the last second. And I was scared.” She bit her lip. “I was scared of jumping in and getting hurt.”

Emily reached up until her other hand was against Alison’s cheek. It was still warm from the insulation in her gloves. It felt good against Alison’s cool skin. She sighed and leaned into her touch.

“We all change and grow. You may not have known how special you were then. But you were. And you _are_. I don’t care about your flaws, Ali. I never cared about your flaws. I don’t care about perfection. I don’t care about who you were then. Because who you are now is beautiful. It’s who you are now that I love.”

Alison froze. Had Emily just said what she thought she’d said?

“When we came out here together for the first time you jumped in after me.” Emily smiled. Her voice was like a warm summer breeze rolling over her, and her words were every bit as comforting. “And I knew _then_ that I was in love with you.”

Alison had been saying that to Emily since the day they met…not out loud, but in her head, over and over, and now that the moment was here she had nothing. Her mind was a completely useless waste of space.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Emily gripped her hands tightly. “I just needed you to know.”

Alison smiled, she imagined it was a dopey “I’m in love with you, too” smile. Emily always knew exactly what to say. Alison moved closer to her, both of them with the blanket wrapped around their shoulders. It wasn’t as cold as it had been when they’d first come out.

Meteorologists would have argued that because the sun was coming out the temperature was slowly rising. But Alison knew that the real reason they were warm was because they were together. She laid her cheek against Emily’s shoulder and Emily caressed the side of her head, playing with her hair. They enjoyed each other’s company in silence for a few minutes. Then Emily moved and Alison sat back up.

“So, where are our initials?” Emily asked.

Alison was too surprised to say anything at first. She hadn’t told anyone she’d put their initials on the kissing rock.

“How did you know?” Alison questioned.

“Because I know you.” Emily laughed.

“Aria told you?” She guessed. They _had_ been hiking out here.

“She just mentioned there were some new initials and they happened to be ours. I assumed. They _are_ ours, aren’t they? You didn’t have a thing with Ezra out here or anything, right?”

“Oh, God no.” She quickly spouted out. “I mean, Ezra is a nice guy. But no.” She laughed at the idea of it. “He’s way too mainstream and over-the-top artsy for my taste. Plus he’s been with Aria since they were like…in diapers. I may be a bitch, but I would never take something that’s not mine.”

“Not true.” Emily shrugged with a smile. Alison cocked her head in confusion before Emily continued, “You have my heart.” Her plump lips flattened into a proud smirk.

“You have mine, too.” Alison lowered her head, her entire body blushing. “You have since the day I met you.”

_Say it! Tell her you fucking love her, too! Just say it!_

But Alison couldn’t speak. Instead she gripped Emily’s long fingers, staring at them for a little too long. She briefly had a flash of what they’d feel like inside of her. They were much longer than Cece’s fingers. Alison shook it off, and moved Emily’s fingers, pushing their hands down the side of the rock. She put her index finger on top of Emily’s and pushed the tip of it against where she’d drawn the heart. She moved slowly, tracing the outline of the heart, moving Emily’s finger like a pencil so she could feel it. Then she traced their initials.

“When did you do it?” Emily asked.

“A few days before I brought you out here.”

“Alison DiLaurentis, you romantic little devil.” Emily moved in to kiss her. Alison met the kiss with a quiet giggle

Emily made her giggle. _Fucking_ giggle. This love thing was so weird.

They snuggled for several minutes. Alison was getting ready to make a move and declare her love for her before lying her down and showering her with kisses, but an alarm interrupted her. Emily reached into her pocket and pulled her phone out, tapping against the screen until it went off.

“Time to head to our next destination.” Emily smiled, pulling Alison to her feet.

_Next destination?_

“What?” There was _more_?

Emily quickly sent a pre-written text to Toby to let him know they were leaving. He was about a mile away ready to clean up everything from the picnic.

“Is _everyone_ in on this?” Alison asked in surprise.

“I told them all I wanted for Christmas was a little help with this day.” Emily nodded.

Before Alison could object Ace was leading them back down the path to the car. The car that was waiting for them was not Aria’s. Caleb looked up from his phone and waved.

“Um, I don’t want to alarm you, but our driver has changed,” Alison said. “Like…significantly. He’s a dude now.”

Emily laughed. They climbed in the car.

“Put this back on.” Emily handed her the blindfold just as Alison was latching her seat belt.

“Seriously?”

“The day is not over yet.” Emily smirked.

Caleb’s driving was much less nausea-inducing than Aria’s, but Alison still got motion sick. Their next destination was an indoor ice skating rink. Emily had heard from Spencer that Alison was really good at ice skating. And Emily had great balance and had been a pretty good skater herself before she lost her sight. She was confident enough that with a little direction from Alison they could get a couple of laps in.

The rink was closed to the public, but the owner owed Emily’s dad a favor and Wayne had called it in before they left. The owner didn’t mind, because he liked driving around on his Zamboni. He’d opened the doors a little early so that Ezra and Aria wouldn’t have to wait outside for Alison and Emily. They’d set up a little indoor Rockefeller Center with Christmas music and everything.

Aria and Ezra had just finished up a few laps. Aria met them at the door while Ezra put their skates back in the rental area. Aria took Ace. They were going to make sure he got his afternoon walk and then take him back to Emily’s house. They said their goodbyes and then left Alison and Emily alone.

“Full disclosure…the last time I went ice skating it was on an icy hill…without skates…and dignity.” Alison bit her lip. “And I ended up on my ass in a ditch.” She tied her laces together.

“Full disclosure…my triple axel might be a little rusty.” Emily joked.

It made Alison feel a little better. She did enjoy skating. It had been a couple of years since she’d been, but she used to go all the time with Jason and Spencer and Melissa when they were younger.

Alison helped Emily get to her feet and slowly started leading her to the rink. Emily held Alison’s hand and used her other hand to feel around her to try and stay upright on the skates. It took Emily a few times to get her balance right, but once she got her momentum going they were skating along like an Olympic champion duo. At one point Alison started slipping and she almost fell, but Emily pulled her close to help her stay on her feet. Alison giggled, her face turning red.

They almost made it through their skating extravaganza without falling, but on their very last round Alison hit a bit of uneven ice and they both became wobbly on their feet. Alison started falling first, but Emily whipped in front of her and managed to fall into the ice first, Alison landing on top of her. The ice was hard and cold, but the fall hadn’t hurt either one of them. In fact, as their clothes soaked up the shavings of ice and melting water around them they were laughing.

“What do you think? Did we stick the landing?” Emily asked.

“Hmm…Russian judge says 5.2.”

“I wonder if it’s against the rules to do this.” Emily pulled Alison close, gripping her cheeks.

Their lips met. After a few seconds they pulled away.

“Final score is a perfect 10.” Alison smirked.

They pulled themselves to their feet and then went to change out of their skates. After they were done Emily took Alison to her favorite book store so she could pick out any books that she wanted. When Alison started to protest that it was too much Emily just smiled and told her to stop being so difficult. It was all Alison needed to hear to start picking out her favorite titles. She was like a child in a candy store.

Their next stop was a vintage movie theater where one of Alison’s all time classic movies was playing. Emily had already even pre-arranged her favorite movie snacks to be ordered. They sat down in the empty theater. Alison looked around. How had she pulled _this_ off?

“Holy shit, Em. Did you pay off the whole town?” Alison whispered, though whispering was irrelevant. Because they were alone.

“Shh…the movie is starting.” Emily smirked and gripped her hand, which was on the armrest.

The lights dimmed and the featured film started to play. They made it about a quarter into the movie before their hormones took over and they took advantage of the dark empty theater. They’d gotten so into it that they’d knocked the popcorn over. Emily took half a second to worry about cleaning it up, but got distracted when she felt Alison’s fingers sliding against her inner thigh.

She turned back into the kiss and grasped Alison’s face with one hand and slid her hand against her side with her other. She bit down on Alison’s lip when she felt Alison’s fingers gliding against her center, the friction from her clothing and Alison’s movement making her groan. Alison rubbed her slowly. She felt Emily’s pelvis buck against the motion. She released Alison’s bottom lip and took a shaky breath.

“Too much?” Alison huffed against Emily’s mouth.

Emily tried to answer, but all she could concentrate on was Alison’s ministrations. All she could manage was a slight shake of her head to let her know she was fine. She moved her hand up and cupped Alison’s right breast. Then she moved her other hand down and massaged Alison’s center, gently pressing her palm against the dampness that had already formed there.

Alison breathed a heavy breath into Emily’s mouth, a cry of pleasure vibrating against their entangled lips. The motion had given Alison some wild ideas. She wanted to kick up the armrests and push Emily against the seats and rip her clothes off with her teeth and make her scream louder than the Dolby surround sound.

Alison tried to pace herself, because the last thing she wanted was for their first time together to be in a musty old movie theater with sticky floors. God knows how much sexual fluid had accumulated on the seats and floors over the years.

It was Emily who broke their encounter. Alison felt her jump and pull away. She thought it was because of a crash sound effect from the movie. Had the lights been on she would have seen the strange look on Emily’s face.

“Sorry.” Emily laughed nervously, trying to play it off. “Forgot how loud this movie is.”

The noise had reminded her of her fall in the locker room. She’d heard a crash when she’d hit the floor after Alison had pushed Ben away from her. Her lips and mouth suddenly felt dry. She took a sip of her drink and moved in to start kissing Alison again, but then another loud noise on screen made them both jump.

“Oh, this is one of my favorite scenes.” Alison laced her fingers into Emily’s and stared at the screen intently.

She laid her face against Emily’s shoulder and Emily felt like melting. They watched the rest of the movie without incident.

Spencer and Toby were waiting in the parking lot when the movie was over. They were ready to take them to dinner.

“You’re in on this, too?” Alison asked as she climbed into the car.

“I was sworn to secrecy.” Spencer handed Alison the blindfold when she got in the car. “Also, I was told that I would get to put a blindfold on you and spin you around a few times and then see if you can _Frogger_ your way through traffic.”

“She’s kidding.” Emily shook her head with a laugh.

“No. She’s really not.” Alison snickered. She knew her cousin would never miss an opportunity to humiliate her.

Spencer was a much better driver than Aria. She was anal-retentive and meticulous, so Alison didn’t feel as carsick as she had when Aria drove. They ended up at the French restaurant where Alison had gotten their first lunch from.

Alison was running out of ways to tell Emily how amazing she was. She kept trying to tell her that she loved her, but it always came out “I love…this place” or “I really really…need to use the restroom.” It baffled her why it wouldn’t come out right. She’d felt it the day they met. Emily had said it first. She’d given her the opening.

Emily didn’t notice her nerves as they were eating dinner. Every time Alison started to tell her how she felt she’d get scared and then shovel a bunch of food in her mouth. Once she’d tried to tell Emily she loved her in French, _je t’aime_. But it came out, “jet engine” and then she just felt like an idiot and started saying other random words, pretending it was some new game. Emily went along with it, and pretty soon they were laughing and having a great time.

On the ride home Alison was completely dizzy from her excitement. Emily had done all of this _for her_. She’d never had anyone care this much. It brought tears to her eyes.

How had this girl gotten so pure? She reached over without saying a word and held Emily’s hand. Emily smiled and pulled Alison close to her, encouraging her to rest her head against her shoulder. She didn’t have to be told twice. She laid against her, so happy that she had her.

Spencer and Toby dropped Emily off at home, so she could change out of her heavy winter gear and then come out to Aria’s place for the karaoke party later.

Emily changed and then went over to Toby’s house to have a quick bite to eat with his family and her mother, who had spent the whole day with Wayne’s sister enjoying the Christmas festivities around town. Alison called her to let her know she was on her way to pick her up.

“Are you sure you’re okay with me going out again?” Emily hugged her mother before she headed for the door. “I mean. It _is_ Christmas, and I know what family means to you this time of the year.”

“It’s Christmas _Eve_.” Pam corrected her. “Sweetheart, go.” She put her palm against Emily’s warm cheek. “Have fun.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Emily grabbed her mom’s hand.

Her mother was always weird with her emotions when Wayne left.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. Ashley and the rest of the book club are coming to the house later. We’ve already got a festive night of activities planned.” Pam took a sip of her wine. The glass was almost empty.

“So, how many glasses of wine in are you?” Emily teased her for being all warm and fuzzy.

“I can have as many as I want. It’s Christmas Eve.”

“Mmhmm. You remember the Christmas that you and Hanna’s mom topped off two bottles of red wine and ended up stuck in her basement playing strip poker because you got so bored, and when dad found you you were both singing “Deck the Halls” to the clothing you’d hung up on the wall? Don’t do that again.”

“Go before I change my mind.” Her mom frowned at her. “But don’t forget to check in.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Did you remember your eye drops and your meds?” She pulled Emily’s sunglasses down just enough to get a glimpse of her eyes.

“I did.” She nodded. “I’m going to leave Ace at home though. He did a lot of hiking these past few weeks. Thought I’d let him chill on Christmas.”

“I’ll check on him later,” Pam said. She moved her fingers underneath Emily’s eyes. She gently moved her lower lids down, exposing the whites of her eyes. She frowned when she saw how red they were. “You look a little run down. Have you been getting enough sleep?”

“Yeah.” When she wasn’t having bad dreams.

Emily reached up and gently pushed her mom’s fingers away from her face. Pam sighed.

“How bad are the nightmares?”

Emily cringed. Her mother could always see right through her.

“Dr. Sullivan has me meditating before bed. It’s a whole thing.” Emily shrugged.

“You didn’t answer the question, Emily.” Pam frowned impatiently. “I know that the attack opened up something inside of you, honey. And with everything you went through a few years ago, you’re bound to be stressed. Your dad and I can both see it. And it’s perfectly normal if you’re…”

“Mom, I’m okay. I can handle it.” Emily smiled.

“I know you get anxious. You can tell me if you’re having a hard time with it.”

“Mom…” Emily calmly reached out, her hands searching for her mother’s arms. She gently laid her palms flat against her forearms, trying to get her attention. “Everything is fine. I promise.”

Pam searched her daughter’s face, trying to see if she registered any distress. But Emily looked calm.

“You’re sure you’re okay? You’re taking care of yourself? Not skipping any meals? Putting your drops in and taking your meds on time?” Pam questioned.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just a little out of it from the trip.” Emily felt her mother reach out and sweetly touch her cheek. “Got a little jet-lag. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“I imagine so.” Pam said, almost sounding like she was talking to herself. “Just take it easy tonight. Don’t overdo it.” She suggested. “And Emmy, be careful. No drinking. No drugs…”

“It’s Aria’s party. Ella Montgomery is hosting. We’re building gingerbread houses…probably for the poor or something. And then we’re hanging out to sing some karaoke. There will be no shenanigans. I promise.”

Pam nodded.

“Be that as it may…” Pam put her hand on Emily’s bicep, “…if anything happens you can call me. I know you’re used to gravitating towards your dad when you need something, but I want you to know I’m here for you, too.”

Emily furrowed her brows with an amused smile on her face.

“Okay, that was a little more after-school special than normal. You are _definitely_ cut off.” Emily teased.

“You can have my wine when you pry it from my cold dead hands.” Pam grinned. “I love you, baby.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

“Have fun.”

“I will.”

A few minutes later she was climbing into Alison’s car. They talked about their favorite songs as Alison drove them to Aria’s. _Holly Jolly Christmas_ was rocking the speakers. Emily was in the middle of telling Alison why _I’ll Be Home for Christmas_ was her favorite song. It held a lot of meaning to her, because her dad would always sing it to her, even when he wasn’t home. It’s something that Alison already knew, which is why she’d put it in her playlist. She’d been worried about using the song at first, because the last thing she wanted to do was make Emily think about her dad and upset her.

A few seconds later _Holly Jolly Christmas_ cut off and Bing Crosby came on singing Emily’s favorite song. Emily laughed, a quiet soft chuckle, with a smile on her face.

“Okay, that wasn’t a coincidence.” Emily accused Alison with a smirk. “Are you secretly a witch?”

“Even better.” Alison shook her head. “I used my normal human powers. My normal human ears. You said your dad sings it to you every year.”

“You _really_ listen to me, don’t you?” Emily asked.

“Of course I do. Because I really l…” She almost said ‘love’. _Almost_. but it got stuck on the tip of her tongue. “…like listening to you.”

Emily reached over and put her hand against Alison’s on the console. Alison drove slowly, looking at all the Christmas decorations.

“People really went all out this year,” Alison said.

There was a quiet sigh from the passenger seat next to her.

“The thing I miss the most is the lights. I can still see them twinkle in my mind sometimes, but I’m starting to forget what they look like.”

Alison squeezed Emily’s hand, forcing a weak smile on her face. The least she could do was try and paint the picture for her.

“The Maples have out these classic decorations with white icicle lights on each story of their house.” She glanced at the house, trying to look closer. “Their front windows are outlined with these blinking snowflakes that kind of look like they are frosted to the window panes.” She peered at the yard décor. “They have these really cute old-school Santa and his reindeer wooden pallets that are staked into the ground. Some of the paint is chipped, but it gives it this rustic vibe that I really like.”

“I think I remember those from when I was little. His son Chris helped him paint them.” Emily could remember the police officer’s little boy sitting in her second grade class and enthusiastically talking about how he was helping his dad with a project.

Alison looked at the next house.

“The Vanderwaal family went all out again this year.”

“Yeah, it’s Mrs. Vanderwaal’s favorite holiday. Mona says they basically start decorating at Thanksgiving. They give my parents a run for their money.”

“I’ll say. It looks like Santa’s village threw up on their property.” Alison laughed. “They have an inflatable Santa on the roof with two reindeer peeking up over the top of it. Their lights are blinking in time, but they keep changing colors every third blink. They’re green right now.” Seconds passed. “Wanna guess what comes next?”

“Red, obviously.”

“Right on the money.” Alison nodded. “They have all these inflatable characters on their lawn. The Grinch is trying to steal a string of lights that are solid green, but there are these two elves next to him holding the other end of it. And right behind them there is a group of penguins wearing Santa hats playing on a snowy slide. They have this white picket fence set up with those old school lights…you know, the big bulby ones that are all different colors?”

“I remember those.” Emily smiled.

“The Gould family has the candle thing, the eight days of night celebration Hanukkah thing…” Alison felt a little embarrassed she didn’t know more about Hanukkah.

“Menorahs?” Emily asked.

“Yeah. They have them lining up all their windows. The lights are red and yellow and the flames look like they are flickering. And they have blue flood lights aimed at the house, so it really highlights the Menorahs. They also have a string of lights in their front yard in front of these inflatable dradles that spell out ‘Happy Hanukkah’ in front of a really big Menorah they made out of their big tree off to the side of the house.”

Alison went through, describing each place in vivid detail. The house with the blue lights that looked like a moving carousel and the candy cane lights that flashed red and white. The house with the lights hanging down vertically covering the siding like those beaded doorways you saw in every seventies movie ever. The house with so many lights that you couldn’t even _see_ the house. And on top of that it had several swirly lights forming Christmas trees spread throughout the front yard.

She occasionally took her eyes off of the houses to look at the smile illuminating Emily’s face. They stopped when they got to Aria’s house, but Alison’s commentary didn’t. She took in the decorations as they walked up the driveway.

“We’re walking along a trail of blinking lights lighting the path right now. They have lights coiling up the trees in their front yard and they’ve got icicle lights on their first level and candy cane lights on the roof.”

“Yeah, her parents do the same thing every year. Aria loves to help. Mike used to pretend to be sick to get out of it.”

“Maybe that’s why he really went away to college.” Alison chuckled.

“Yes. Forget the higher education. The promise of avoiding the holiday decorating committee was his first and only priority.”

They stopped when they stepped on to the porch. Alison peered out at the Montgomery’s front yard. Then she looked beyond it to all the other festive houses. The sight was absolutely breathtaking.

“Wow,” Alison said quietly.

“What?”

“I never realized you could see the reflections of all the lights on this street on the pavement like this at night. The street looks like a reflection of rainbows.”

“I can really smell the pine.” Emily smiled.

Alison inhaled a cool breath.

“Me too.” Alison nodded. She shuffled her feet against the porch. “So, thus concludes my Christmas light tour. It was my first time being a commentator. How’d I do?”

“Fantastic.” Emily was impressed. “Except you missed one thing.”

“What?”

Emily motioned up, pointing towards something dangling from the overhang of the porch. Alison spotted the mistletoe and looked at Emily in surprise.

“How did you even…”

“I can smell it.” Emily smiled. Also, Aria mentioned she might be putting some out. “So?”

Alison leaned in at the same time as Emily and their lips met. Alison closed her eyes and hummed happily. When they pulled away both of them were smiling.

“Are you ready to kick some ass in karaoke?” Alison asked.

Just as Alison reached for the doorbell the door flung open. Aria was standing there with a huge cheery grin on her face. She had on a black sweater with a starry pattern and flecks of white that looked like snow.

“Merry Christmas!” She handed them each a candy cane brownie as they walked through the door.

“Your house looks great, Aria,” Alison said.

Aria had to do a double take. She still wasn’t used to Alison paying her compliments.

“Thanks.”

Alison took a bite of the brownie. It was the most delicious thing she’d ever tasted. She’d finished it before they’d even gotten through the living room.

“Oh, Ezra was right about these.” She reached for another small brownie.

“My mom makes them every year. They’re always a hit. Made with love.” Aria smiled.

Alison ate the second bite-sized brownie. She was craving a third, but didn’t want to look like a pig. She stared at the tray that Aria was carrying. Part of her wondered if there was another ingredient besides love that made them so _special_. They were in hippie territory after all.

They walked into the furnished basement, where everyone else had already gathered. Hanna and Caleb were just finishing something on the karaoke machine. Hanna waved at Alison and called out a “hello” to Emily. Caleb looked like he was ready to do a swan dive off of the little platform stage and end it all.

Aria’s brother Mike, who was home visiting from college, was sitting with his girlfriend Mona. They’d been dating for about a year. Mona spent most of her free time with him. Mona glanced at Alison, eyeing her suspiciously. Mona would always be loyal to Hanna, and who knows what Hanna had told Mona about her?

Hanna still didn’t trust Alison. Alison was okay with that. She was okay with slowly trying to earn Hanna’s trust. She knew it was going to take some time. And she was working on trying to win over people she’d wronged. She’d invited Mona to join them at lunch when the girls first started hanging out together, but Mona declined.

“Hey! Em!” They heard Toby call from across the room. “Come help us pick a song!”

Alison looked to their left. Spencer was sipping on a drink while Toby was talking to her about what song they were going to do. Ezra was carrying a bowl of chips to a snack table that Aria had set up.

Alison slipped her fingers into Emily’s and they walked towards their friends. Toby and Spencer were still looking at the list of songs. Caleb and Hanna had finished their song and they were standing at a table working on a partially constructed gingerbread house. Caleb was licking a butter knife.

“Stop that! You are eating the cement I need for the siding! Give that back!” Hanna smacked Caleb’s hand.

“You ate the chimney.” He shrugged.

“Ah, the sounds of the season.” Emily chuckled.

“So, we’ve narrowed it down to _Santa Baby_ and _Baby, it’s Cold Outside._ ” Spencer pointed to the list of songs.

“So a song about over-sexualizing women or date rape. Excellent choice, Spence.” Alison snorted.

“They’re just songs, Alison.” Spencer scoffed.

“Oh, what about _White Christmas_?” Toby asked.

“Yeah. I like that one.”

They headed towards the karaoke machine. Alison picked up the list and started glancing at the songs.

“I feel like I should apologize.” Emily leaned forward, her voice quiet against Alison’s ear.

“For what?”

“My singing. I’ll probably rupture a few eardrums.”

“Not possible.” Alison shook her head and needled her nose against Emily’s cheek to place a quick peck on her jaw.

They all went through a few rounds before Emily finally decided on her song. She chose _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas_ for her solo song. From the second she opened her mouth she had Alison completely entranced. She sounded a lot like Judy Garland. Alison had heard her sing here and there, to the radio and humming tunes at school, but she’d never actually heard the power behind her voice. How could she possibly think she was a bad singer?

When Emily was done Alison had tears in her eyes, because she felt like she’d seen a different...a more _raw_ side of her. She spent the rest of the time at the party with her eyes completely stuck on her girlfriend. She couldn’t wait to get her alone.

They stayed for a couple of hours. After several cheery rounds of _All I Want for Christmas is You_ and _Feliz Navidad_ they decided to call it a night. Alison and Emily left with their bellies warm and full. Emily called her mom to let her know they were leaving the party.

“We’re going to go to Alison’s for a little while. We’ve got to drop off Jason’s gifts since he couldn’t make it tonight.”

 _More like refused to hang around with a bunch of high schoolers._ Alison muddled in her thoughts.

Like he was too good for them? Ezra and Mike had come. Then again, they had both _just_ started college, so high school didn’t seem like that long ago to them. But Jason would always be “too cool for school”.

“We’re going to watch a movie and then I’ll head home.”

“Tell Alison’s parents I said hello,” Pam replied.

Alison whipped her neck over too fast and bit her lip, trying to contain her laughter.

“I will. Love you, mom. See you in a little bit.” She couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.

“Did you lie to your mom about my parents being home?” Alison snickered.

“Well, how else was I supposed to score us alone time?” Emily didn’t apologize.

Alison laughed again. Her girlfriend never ceased to amaze her. When they got to the DiLaurentis house Emily helped Alison get Jason’s gifts inside, discreetly sliding a box in with Jason’s things. She kept her fingers on it.

“I think this one is for you,” she said as she was putting the gifts down.

Alison glanced at the small box Emily was running her fingers across. She cocked her head. Sure enough, it said _Ali_ on the gift tag.

Then it sank in.

_Ali._

No one called her Ali except for Emily.

“Em, you have already given me so much.” She thought about the incredible day she’d had.

“Only the best for my girl.” Emily reached for her hand. Alison took it without even thinking. “I told you my family goes all out at Christmas.”

“Yeah, no kidding.”

Alison moved to sit down on the couch to open the gift. Emily sat next to her. She slid her fingernail into a break on the side of the wrapping paper and carefully peeled it open to find a small box. She lifted the top and her breathing hitched. Inside the box there were three things. An open locket displaying a picture of the Eiffel Tower at sunset, a chain-link bracelet with a small plate that said _amour_ on it, and bronze statue of the Eiffel Tower. It looked like it had been worn throughout the years.

“The figurine is one of the things my dad got me in Paris when I was six,” Emily said. “I finally went through my old Paris souvenir box.”

Alison didn’t know what to say. Her eyes burned with tears.

“I can’t take this from you.” She picked up the tiny statue.

“I want you to have it.” Emily replied softly, delicately putting her hands on top of Alison’s, closing them around her fingers and the small statue.

Again, Alison’s words were lost on her. She’d not only given her beautiful jewelry. She’d given her something sentimental, something her _dad_ had gotten for her. It meant so much to her.

“Thank you.” Alison leaned forward, pulling her in for a hug. “I swear I’ll cherish it forever.” She glanced at the bracelet and the locket. “ _All_ of it.” She kept her palms against Emily’s neck with a smile on her face.

After a few seconds she remembered Emily’s gifts under the tree. She put her gift down and scrambled to find the presents she had for Emily. She wanted Emily to feel as happy as she felt.

“I’ve got some things for you, too. But I just…I wanted to preempt this by telling you that I really wanted to do something beautiful for you, because you bring so much beauty into the world. And I wanted the world to have more of that beauty.” _Stop saying beauty!_ Alison wanted to kick herself. It didn’t even sound like a real word anymore. “Anyway, I wanted to do something that would be everlasting. I wanted to plant some flowers for you…” She stuttered.

“You did?” Emily seemed surprised.

Alison was so nervous that she nodded instead of answering verbally. After she’d fished for information from Hanna using that excuse she started to realize what a good idea it was. And she’d be covered just in case Hanna ever blabbed about it.

“…in memory of Maya.” The rest of her sentence came out so quickly that it all sounded like one word.

She saw Emily’s body tense, but the smile on her face didn’t falter. It looked like she appreciated the sentiment.

“That’s very sweet, Alison.”

“Yeah.” Alison nodded nervously. “I thought about it a lot, but…I…I haven’t really heard you talk about her that much and I wasn’t sure what she was like or where to plant them.”

She gave Emily a gentle subconscious nudge. She thought if she could open the door for her to talk about Maya then she could step into her past, to understand her more.

“Is that…is it weird to ask?” Alison questioned.

“Uh…” Emily wasn’t sure how to answer. It wasn’t weird. It just wasn’t a topic that came easy for her. “A little. But…but not on your end. It’s just…it’s still tender for me.” She tried very hard to fight the tears she felt burning her eyes. She didn’t want Alison to feel bad for making her cry. “She died a few days before Christmas.” She bit her tongue, because she couldn’t tell her _how_ …couldn’t explain that it was her fault. Not to Alison. Not tonight.

“Oh…Em, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have brought it up if I had…”

“No. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I know I’m really shitty about sharing stuff like this. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.” She trusted Alison implicitly. “It’s a tough subject because it reminds me about this _really_ dark time in my life.” She sighed.

“Dark? As in?” Alison pushed for more information.

Emily didn’t answer at first. She looked like she was deep in thought, like she was fighting a terrible memory. Alison softly touched her arm to try and snap her back to reality.

“It’s okay, Em. You can talk to me. I’m not going to judge you.”

Emily put her hand on top of Alison’s and gave it a soft squeeze before she continued.

“After I lost her…I just…I wanted to die. I was traumatized in a way that I had never been traumatized. I didn’t see the point to life, so I just…gave up.”

Alison felt her pulse starting to race. She couldn’t handle thinking about where her life would be without Emily in it.

“Did you…” Alison wet her lips. Her nerves were making her mouth dry. She reached out to touch the scar on Emily’s arm, then the one on her collar bone, “…you didn’t try to…um…you know…”

“No.” Emily shook her head. She reached up and put her hand over Alison’s again. “But I might as well have.” She swallowed hard and then dropped her hand against her thigh and rubbed at her pants nervously. “I wanted to. I thought about it. It hurt so much to breathe. I stopped eating. I stopped drinking. I refused to leave my bed. I refused to let anyone help me. It scared the shit out of my parents. I didn’t feel like I deserved to live when Maya was dead.”

She shuffled uncomfortably and Alison rubbed her arm to try and comfort her. Emily smiled appreciatively at her.

“I did some impulsive and reckless things.” She drifted off in thought. “But I was a different person then, Ali. Like I told you, life changes. And we change with it. But I don’t like to talk about it. Because I’m ashamed that I put my family through that.”

Alison thought about something Toby had said the night after the attack, about her vulnerabilities. She thought about the hospital and how uncomfortable Emily was there.

“You couldn’t help it.” Alison assured her. “You were grieving.”

“Yeah.” Emily sighed.

Alison peered at her. None of this answered any of the questions she had about what she’d found in her room, but it had certainly opened up the door to Emily’s past. And Alison regretted making her feel pain on Christmas Eve.

“Maya loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of the year.” Emily squeezed Alison’s hand. “And she would absolutely love your idea to plant something in honor of her. She was a _huge_ showboat.” She laughed. “I think the idea that people were paying attention to her would make her very happy.”

“Just tell me where and I’ll make it happen.”

Emily thought about it for a minute.

“She liked butterflies. Isn’t there a new butterfly sanctuary in Philly?”

“Consider it done.”

She waited for Emily to compose herself. She felt like she’d already pushed her enough. She’d made her point…that she could talk to her if she wanted to. When Emily didn’t add to the conversation, Alison reached for her gifts. She handed the first one to her. Emily felt a thin sheet of paper that had a spiky bow at the end.

“What color is the bow?”

“I went with nontraditional. It’s yellow.” Alison smiled. Emily’s favorite color.

Emily found the edge of the envelope and dragged her fingernail up to open it. She felt around inside with her fingers and felt two thick pieces of paper.

“They’re tickets for the class Valentine’s trip to Jamaica at the end of February.” Alison explained.

She’d been pissed to find out that she couldn’t get tickets that were written in braille. She’d really wanted Emily to read it for herself.

“Oh,” Emily said in surprise. “Wow.”

“I know it’s two months away, but the spaces were limited and I wanted to make sure you were with me.”

Emily played with the tickets in her hand. She looked like she wanted to say something, but then she just smiled. Alison didn’t miss the apprehension.

“Is something wrong? Do you already have plans or something?”

“No, I just…sometimes I get a little motion sick on boats with my equilibrium being a little off and all. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Emily bit her lip. “I think most of the time it’s just me worrying about falling in and not knowing which way the shore is.”

Only part of it was true. The rest had to do with another concern she had. One Alison didn’t know about.

“I’ll be with you the whole time, Em. And if you go in, I do too, remember?”

Emily smiled, leaning forward to kiss her.

“Thank you, Alison.”

“I’ve got one more for you.” She sat a box the size of a breadbox in her lap.

Emily pulled the wrapping paper off. She could feel something that felt like cardboard. She turned it around to try and get a feel for what it was and her palm landed on something soft. It felt like a stuffed animal.

“A teddy bear?” Emily ran her fingers along the soft faux fur.

“Your mom and dad helped me with it.” Alison reached over and guided Emily’s hand to a small flat button shaped like a heart. “You press the heart and he says things your dad recorded before he left.”

Emily didn’t say anything. She didn’t even move. She sat there thinking about it…how much organization went into it, about how much thought Alison had put into this...about how much this meant to her and how she couldn’t put it into words. She was speechless.

Alison glanced at what Emily had given her and she chewed on her lip. She looked at the teddy bear and shook her head. She felt so inferior. Emily had given her so much more than just a stupid stuffed animal. When Emily didn’t say anything Alison tensed up. She felt like apologizing for letting her down.

“It’s…I feel stupid now.” Heat rushed to Alison’s cheeks. Emily had gone all out and all Alison had gotten her was a stupid talking bear.

“Why?” Emily lifted her head up, tears in her eyes. “Alison, this is the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” She pressed the heart.

 _“Love you, baby girl.”_ She heard her dad’s voice.

Alison saw the tears in Emily’s eyes.

“I can’t even begin to explain…” She got choked up. “I don’t know how to tell you how much this means to me.”

“I just thought that maybe since your dad can’t _really_ be here with you on Christmas…at least you have a part of him.”

“Thank you.” Emily reached up, her palm landing against Alison’s neck. She leaned in to kiss her, a motion filled with a powerful kind of emotion Alison had never felt before.

“You’re welcome.” She moved her forehead down to meet Emily’s.

They moved in for another kiss at the same time. Alison stroked Emily’s cheek. Their bodies curved into one another. The kiss became more heated. There was flash of fingers grasping at exposed skin, hands traveling underneath shirts, lips smacking, and tongues clashing. Usually one of them had slowed their actions at this point, but after the day they’d had their hormones were out of control.

Alison moved her legs up on to the couch and Emily pressed to lie down on top of her as their sweaty bodies melded together. Emily’s movements were so passionate and raw. There was a driven purpose in her touch. This encounter felt different. Alison felt herself becoming breathless as she pressed a heated palm against Emily’s cheek and moved her other hand between them, her fingers lingering at the hem of her pants.

“You want to?” Alison huffed against her. Her body felt like it was igniting beneath Emily, like a fire was blooming in her belly.

“Yeah.” Emily responded, her body quivering, though Alison couldn’t tell if it was excitement, arousal, fear, or something else. “You?”

A devious smirk washed across Alison’s face. She’d been waiting for this moment since she’d seen Emily soaking in the sun at the park the day she met her. She’d seen her naked countless times in her mind.

“Do you even have to ask?” Alison moved swiftly between them to pull her shirt over her head.

She pushed her heated flesh against the fabric of Emily’s shirt. Emily could feel the difference without the added layer between them. Alison reached up and started to unbutton Emily’s shirt. Emily shrugged it off of her shoulders, leaving her in a black satin bra.

Alison grunted and bit her lip. Emily laid her flesh against Alison’s. The heat between them made them both shiver. Emily pulled her knees up to straddle her. Then she moved her head down and their lips met in another crashing kiss. Alison pushed up to meet the embrace, using one of her arms to hold herself up.

Alison grabbed the nape of Emily’s neck to pull her closer and she felt the raised blemish against her skin at the base of her neck. But for the first time, Emily didn’t react, didn’t tense up. Instead, she cupped Alison’s face with one hand and moved her other palm down against Alison’s right hip.

“Close your eyes,” Emily whispered.

Alison exhaled a heated breath and closed her eyes. Her lips curled into a smile. Emily brushed her fingers against Alison’s jaw. She gently pushed her lips against Alison’s. Alison pushed back, desperately nipping at her lips, breathing heavily through her nose.

“Tell me what you see.” Emily moved her fingers against Alison’s sides, her palms landing on her hips. She moved one hand up Alison’s torso, cupping her right breast in her hand. The lacy material of her bra felt soft against her fingertips. She could feel Alison’s swollen nipple through the fabric when she massaged her breast. “Tell me what you _feel._ ”

Alison cooed as Emily’s fingers slowly moved back to release the clasp on her bra. In the depths of her mind she could feel what Emily was doing in her soul.

“I…” Alison shuddered at her touch. “ _You_ , Em. Your…your fingers. Your touch…” She squirmed, “Your nails feel like feathers.” She pushed a harsh kiss against her, begging for more. She felt Emily undo the clasp of her bra and slip her fingers beneath the straps, pulling it out from in between them, giving Emily full access. “Keep going. Please. I want to feel more…”

She felt Emily squeeze her left breast and a soft sound of pleasure slipped out of her mouth.

“What do you feel, Ali?”

Emily dipped down, her lips finding the trail between her bust, kissing her way down, her hot tongue trailing across her left breast as she sucked gently. She massaged her right one, running her index finger over her nipple.

 _OhmyfuckingGod._ Alison uttered in thought. Though that wasn’t a feeling so much as an expression she used when she was highly aroused.

“You love me.” Alison hummed, eyes still closed. “I…I can feel it, Em. And... _God_ , your mouth feels like a hot whirlpool.” Her pelvis was already twitching. Fuck, the things Emily could do with her mouth. She arched her back, pushing her breast further against Emily’s swirling tongue. She felt Emily’s fingers all over her and it was sending her into overdrive. “Your fingers…they…Jesus, they’re so soft.” She felt like a bad softcore porn actress, but all she could do was huff and moan as she felt Emily cupping her. “It feels…” She moaned loudly. She’d never been so turned on in her life. “I feel like you’re sculpting me, like…like you’re leaving these hot indents on my body…”

Emily slowly kissed her way back up to Alison’s mouth. She felt Emily smile against her lips and she couldn’t help herself as she bit down. Emily jumped and huffed out a quiet laugh, pulling back long enough for both of them to catch their breath.

Alison couldn’t contain herself any longer. She opened her eyes and looked at her. Their swollen lips were just millimeters apart. Emily’s eyes were dark, her pupils large. Her face was teeming with love.

Alison moved up, pushing Emily into a sitting position. She moved her legs so that one knee was on either side of Emily’s thighs, pressing into the cushions of the couch. She caressed the sides of her neck as she gently moved her pelvis against Emily’s, Emily moving in rhythm with her, her body’s natural reaction.

“What do you see when I do this?” Alison placed a kiss on her exposed shoulder, her palm traveling up to unhook her bra.

“I see…” Emily quietly panted. Alison’s touch was exhilarating. She felt her nimble fingers moving against her thin bra straps, pulling them down. Alison kissed her jaw. “I see your swollen pink lips against my neck.” Emily hummed against her, her body trembling. “Your hands…mmm…Ali, you’re so soft…”

She felt Alison unhook the clasp of her bra and pull it forward and she shivered. Alison felt a slight tension in her stance. Normally she’d just dive right in, but Emily was different, and given everything she’d gone through she wanted to make sure she was comfortable.

“Is this still okay?” Alison asked, pausing before moving to touch her breasts.

They were full and round and perfectly shaped to fit Alison’s palms. The mounds on her chest looked like perfectly sculpted mountains, the tan perky nipples topping off the engorged peaks. They were every bit as beautiful as she’d imagined.

Emily nodded and then brought her hand up to Alison’s face. She pushed forward, capturing her lips. Seconds later Alison’s hands were palming her soft fleshy skin. It felt like fire. Her nipples were pointed and hard. She gently tweaked one, unable to help herself. Emily gasped into her mouth.

“Has anyone ever touched you like this?” Alison rolled her fingers over Emily’s left breast, her palm gently pushing the underside of it up. She rolled the tip of her index finger around her perky nipple before leaning down and gently taking it in her teeth.

“Not like you, Ali.” Emily smiled in bliss.

Alison alternated between nipping and sucking at her breasts and then moved back up to kiss her. Emily moved her fingers against Alison’s exposed stomach, the feeling of her warm skin sending an electric sort of feeling through her fingertips.

She felt Alison huff into her mouth. Seconds later Emily felt tiny little pinprick bumps rising up on Alison’s skin. She moved her hand up until her fingers hit the soft flesh of the underside of Alison’s breast. She moved her other hand against Alison’s side until she was cupping her other breast.

Emily felt around until she found the erect center of her breasts. She split her fingers open and ran them up and down along Alison’s small tender nipples, giving each one a gentle squeeze as she did so. Alison moaned and squeezed Emily’s bosom in her hands. It was clear Alison wanted more. Emily could feel Alison’s pelvis grinding against hers, and she could feel something damp and warm building up on their clothing between their legs.

Emily moved one of her hands down against Alison’s stomach, feeling her fast breathing underneath her palm. She felt Alison pull a hand away from her chest and move between them, her fingers fumbling with the clasp of her own pants, like Emily’s waiting hand was going to disappear if she didn’t give it somewhere to go.

She curved her hips and wiggled until her pants sank lower, giving Emily more room to work her way down. She sucked Emily’s lip into her mouth and gently chewed the tender flesh as she felt Emily’s fingers brush the top of her panties.

Emily dipped her fingers down just below the elastic band, her fingertips brushing against a soft patch of hair. The difference of the temperature of Alison’s skin felt like night and day the closer she got to the source of the radiating heat. She felt Alison curve towards her body, arching to try and get Emily’s fingers where she really wanted them. She _needed_ to be touched.

Emily stopped when she reached the edge of the soft hair between her legs. Her index and middle finger hit something soft and fleshy, and wet. Alison was beyond soaked for her. Emily felt a strange carnal feeling, her breathing suddenly turning into panting.

This was all she’d ever wanted. This entire day had been nothing but the love shared between them. And this act of love was huge. It meant something to both of them. Yet all Emily could think about was how much they had _yet_ to share with one another. They knew each other intimately in many ways, but they were still strangers in other ways.

Alison had opened the door in talking about Maya, and now Emily couldn’t get it to slam closed again. She loved Alison more than anything, possibly more than Maya. And a part of her felt like she was betraying them both by admitting that. And that she was betraying herself.

Her brain felt like it was overheating. Her thoughts were crashing through her brain at speeds she couldn’t process. Could she do this? It wasn’t a question of whether she _wanted_ to or not. She _definitely_ wanted to be with Alison. But there was no going back. Alison was clearly in love with her, and she was in love with Alison. Was it fair to do this without telling her the truth?

Alison’s fingers dared to descend lower down the front of Emily’s pelvis, wanting to make Emily feel the same exhilaration she felt. And suddenly, Emily’s mind shot from Maya to Ben. She tried not to think about his fingers against her, greedily grasping at her and cupping her roughly. Alison stopped when she reached the button of Emily’s pants.

“Can I?” Alison whispered against her mouth.

Emily felt a slew of emotions bubbling beneath the surface. Her heart rate nearly doubled in speed. She felt sweat rolling down the back of her neck. She tried not to think about the last person who had touched her. But her nerves weren’t just because of the flashes to Ben’s aggression. It was about the truth she was hiding from the girl she loved. Her stomach tensed. It felt like her insides were quivering. She just hoped Alison didn’t feel it. Tears burned her nose as she silently wished she could turn back time, to change everything. Then again, if she did that she never would have met Alison. She wouldn’t be experiencing _any_ of this. And God help her, she wanted to.

“Mmmhmm.” She managed to mutter out.

She was trembling. Hearing the slow sound of her zipper coming down didn’t help matters. She felt a dark shadow over her, memories she was trying to forget.

 _It’s Ali. It’s just Ali._ She told herself.

Alison gently tugged on Emily’s jeans, just enough to expose her underwear. Emily lifted her hips up so that Alison could work the clothing down. She felt Alison shift on top of her as she kicked her own jeans off and then threw Emily’s down on top of hers. The blonde played with the lacy elastic band of her panties with her index finger. Alison felt Emily take a shaky breath, like she wanted to tell her to stop, but at the same time she purred against Alison’s lips, like she liked the feel of Alison moving against her.

Emily felt the muscles in her neck starting to tense up, slowly spreading an uncomfortable tightness down her body. She swallowed hard. She tried to push through her discomfort.

Alison moved her hand into Emily’s underwear, slowly moving down to feel how wet and swollen she was. Emily’s hips bucked slightly. Alison smiled as she swiped her fingers through her folds. Emily felt a tightening feeling in her chest, the darkness growing. She was trying not to panic. She knew it wasn’t rational to freak out. She knew she was safe with Alison.

“Mmm, Jesus Emily…” Alison pulled her fingers out of Emily’s panties and moved her slick fingers across Emily’s torso until they were spread out against her abs, leaving a glistening wetness on her skin. _Her_ glistening wetness.

Alison captured her lips with a hard kiss. Her inner walls were pulsing, just begging for Emily’s intrusion. Yet Emily’s fingers simply hovered. Alison moved her pelvis further against Emily’s hand. It was like the brunette’s fingers were a magnet drawing her to her. Alison pulled her lips away from Emily’s and blew softly against her ear.

“No one has ever turned me on like this.” She whispered in a sultry voice.

And she meant it. No one she’d ever been with made her feel the way Emily made her feel, the burning passionate desire, the _love_ she had for her. She’d been turned on. She’d screwed around. She’d _fucked_. But she’d never made love before. And they weren’t even at that point yet and she could already feel the difference.

She moved her mouth back to Emily’s lips, pushing hard against her body. Emily still hadn’t moved her fingers from the tip of her clit, so she tried grinding against her again. She assumed Emily was teasing her. She didn’t realize the brunette was paralyzed, frozen, the same thought replaying over and over in her head,

_I want this. It’s Ali. It’s only Ali._

Alison put her hand softly against Emily’s stomach again, tracing the outline of her abs as she slowly moved down below her bellybutton. But something strange happened when she got to the edge of Emily’s underwear this time. She felt her completely tense up and choke back an odd noise.

“Em?” She started to disconnect their lips.

Emily pushed harder against Alison’s lips to try and encourage her to keep going despite her hesitations. But Alison’s movements had stopped. Her delicate fingers were resting below her bellybutton, her pinky against her pelvis and her thumb dipping just below the hem of Emily’s panties. She could feel Emily shivering.

Emily reached between their bodies and put her hand on top of Alison’s and encouraged her to start moving again. But Alison could sense her tension and uncertainty. It was something she’d never encountered before, with anyone. And it was _because_ Emily wasn’t just anyone to her that she knew they needed to stop.

“Emily…”

Emily shut her up with another kiss, tears leaking from her eyes. Alison felt her take a shaky breath and then her body started to tremble, but it was from far more than nerves. Alison could tell that the only reason Emily was pushing was because she wanted to give Alison what she wanted. But she knew, she _knew_ Emily wasn’t ready. Not so soon after the attack. Not after revisiting her old wounds about Maya. She could feel it in her touch.

“Babe, we don’t have to. It’s okay.” Alison pulled her hand away.

Emily felt Alison’s palm against her cheek. She sighed, a mixture of relief, disappointment, and frustration. Because she wanted to. She really did.

“I’m sorry. I just…” She flinched when she thought of Ben’s hands on her body, and for a second it felt like her skin was crawling.

Alison rubbed her thumb against her cheekbone, her fingers wiping away droplets of perspiration...or was it tears? Alison couldn’t tell. She placed a soft kiss against her jaw.

“Don’t apologize. You don’t have to explain. I understand. We’re not in any hurry.” She assured her.

Emily bit her lip and turned away, like she was hiding something…her embarrassment? Alison moved her cheek gently so they were facing again. She could see the tears in Emily’s eyes.

“Hey, we never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” Alison stroked her face and leaned in for another delicate kiss, pressing her lips against Emily’s. As she moved forward Emily could feel their breasts pushing together.

“I want to.” Emily hummed against her lips with a smile. _God_ she wanted to.

“I know.” Alison caressed her face.

Despite Emily’s persistence she could still feel her trembling underneath her touch. It bothered her. She wanted to fix it, to make it so that Emily wouldn’t have to feel the pain of what Ben had done to her or the weight of Maya’s death.

“We’ll get there,” Alison said.

Emily nodded slowly. She buried her face in Alison’s neck and placed a soft kiss near her jaw, her fingers starting to curl against Alison’s center.

“At least let me take care of you.” She moved her fingers down, but Alison stopped her from going any further.

Nothing turned her off faster than seeing Emily hurting.

“Not tonight.”

Emily had given her more than enough to last a lifetime. Besides, she wanted their first time to be when they were both ready, and they were _both_ together in the moment. And now that she had the clarity of being able to see past her sex drive she realized it didn’t need to be something sloppy on the living room couch. Emily deserved dresses and the comfort of a soft downy quilt.

“We can try again. I really want to give you everything you want for Christmas…”

“I have everything I want right in front of me.” Alison shifted, moving so that she was by Emily’s side. She took both her hands and kissed her knuckles.

Emily smiled at her, a smile that was like a direct line to Alison’s heart.

They heard a door slam outside and both of them snapped to attention. They fumbled to get their pants and shirts back on. Alison grabbed a blanket and threw it around them and reached for the remote. Jason walked in just as they were trying to settle on the couch. Alison saw her bra peeking out from underneath the couch and she subtly tried to kick it out of view. He looked at them, both of them flushed and sweaty. He glanced at Alison.

“You’re lucky it was me and not mom and dad.” He teased her.

“They don’t give a fuck.” Alison replied without hesitation. And they really didn’t. Their goal was to keep Alison off the pole and Jason out of jail.

“Hey, Jason.” Emily smiled, trying not to giggle like a school girl about the fact that she’d almost been caught in the act with her girlfriend. “We missed you at the karaoke party.”

“Ah, I would have killed your ears with my rendition of _Silent Night._ ” Jason laughed.

“It’s true. It really would have been a silent night after he’d deafened us all.” Alison added with a chuckle.

“Thanks. Love you, too, sis.” Jason shrugged. He started walking towards the stairs. “I’ll be in my room if you need anything.” He paused and then glanced at them. “Merry Christmas, Emily.”

“You too, Jason.”

He padded up the stairs. The girls sat in silence for a few seconds. Then they burst into laughter.

“Sorry about him.” Alison curled her fingers into Emily’s palm. Emily automatically tightened her grip on Alison’s fingers. “Now, where were we?”

Emily leaned forward and Alison mirrored her motions. The kiss was swift, but sweet and full of emotion.

“Merry Christmas, Alison.” Emily pulled back to smile at her.

Alison smiled, a warm feeling encompassing her body.

“Merry Christmas, Emily.” She snuggled up close to her, moving her legs up on the couch and curling against her.

Alison grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. She hit the ‘play’ button and a familiar underscore caught Emily’s attention.

“ _The Sound of Music._ ” Emily smiled. “This is one of my favorites.”

“Mmhmm.” Alison kissed her shoulder. “I know.”

She cuddled up to Emily, wrapping her arms around her waist. Alison inhaled deeply, memorizing the scent of her woman. Emily pulled her closer, thinking about the beautiful girl in her arms. They held one another, both of them relaxing into their embrace.

Emily sighed happily as the sounds of some of her favorite songs played softly and melodically in the air. Alison watched her, occasionally reaching out to brush her fingertips against the side of Emily’s soft hairline. When she felt Alison’s fingers against her scalp she would tilt her head and smile at her with an expression that made Alison melt.

Alison thought about how much Emily meant to her. She thought about everything Emily had done for her not just today, but every day since they’d met. She thought about how she’d never loved anyone like this. She’d been worried she wouldn’t be good at it. It was enough fear and doubt and insecurity to make her want to run away in terror. But she never could. She could never run away from Emily. Not now that she knew her. Not now that she _loved_ her.

It was later on in the movie when Christopher Plummer and Julie Andrews started singing _Something Good_ that something inside of her clicked. She listened to the lyrics, her throat clenched, her eyes burning.

_“Perhaps I had a wicked childhood. Perhaps I had a miserable youth. But somewhere in my wicked miserable past there must have been a moment of truth.”_

She looked at the sleepy brunette beside her.

“Em?” Her voice came out as a shaky whisper, because she’d never done this. It was new to her.

“Hmm?” Emily faced her.

_“For here you are, standing there, loving me, whether or not you should.”_

Alison choked at first, but there was a strange comfort that the underscore of the song was giving her.

_“Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good.”_

She finally found the courage to say what she’d been dreaming of saying for months,

“I’m in love with you, too.” It felt weird saying the words out loud for the first time. She’d never said them before. Not when she actually felt them.

Emily smiled in response and pulled Alison closer. She wrapped her arms around her, resting her chin on Alison’s head for a moment. Then she tilted her chin down and kissed the top of Alison’s soft blonde hair, the lingering scent of her shampoo swirling up Emily’s nose.

“I always knew you were.” Emily replied softly, knowing that this was terrifying for Alison.

Alison snuggled closer into her arms and they both sighed happily. Emily leaned back, picking her feet up and shifting Alison’s weight to the side. She pulled the blanket up over their legs.

Alison felt perfectly buried in between the back of the couch and against Emily’s body. She laid her cheek against Emily’s chest, her palm coming to rest against her stomach. Emily reached down and ran her fingers through Alison’s hair, lying her hand gently against the side of her head. She tilted her chin down to kiss the top of her head again. Alison smiled dreamily.

When Emily’s strokes through her hair slowed Alison realized that she was falling asleep. She gently lifted her head and looked up to see Emily’s head relaxed against the pillow underneath her neck. She moved her hand from Emily’s abdomen to her side. She carefully picked her head up just enough to kiss her parted lips. Emily smiled unconsciously at the motion.

 _Sleep, my sweet girl._ Alison thought to herself.

Her sweet perfect girl. Emily had gone all out for her today, despite having spent several hours on a plane last night. She had taken her hiking, ice skating, and shopping. She had planned their breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She had spent every waking moment making sure that Alison’s needs were fulfilled. She knew Emily had to be exhausted. But she’d powered through it.

She leaned against her elbow for a few minutes, just so she could watch her sleep. She watched the gentle rise and fall of Emily’s chest and found herself hypnotized by the comforting motion. She laid her head back down against Emily’s chest and she felt Emily curl her arm around her to pull her close. Alison reacted by pushing herself further against Emily’s body, gripping her tight. By the time the movie was over they were asleep in each other’s arms.

* * *

 **A/N:** _We got their first official “I love yous”, a dive into the M-rated territory (please be nice to me), Emily’s past slowly becoming more translucent. And lots of fluff. Next chapter shakes some shit up though (*hears someone shout ‘ABOUT TIME!’ from the audience*). I can hear people sharpening pitchforks in the distance._


	20. Into the Dark

**A/N:** _Now, buckle up. This chapter is going to throw you for all kinds of loops. I get the feeling there are going to be some f-bombs and “um…wtf, mate?” comments. But remember when you’re cursing at me that everything in the plot ties into a bigger picture._

* * *

  **Chapter 20:**

**Into the Dark**

Alison saw Emily twitching. Her breathing was uneven. When she touched her face she felt the sweat pouring from her pores. Her closed eyes were leaking tears. Alison could hear the crunching of her teeth as she gnashed them together.

“Em…” Alison whispered quietly.

“Please don’t.” Emily cried, her neck arching back so hard that the muscles tightened and her whole body tensed.

Alison could see the tendons in Emily’s neck as she absentmindedly pulled away from an invisible attacker. Alison had seen it before. Emily didn’t dream about the assault very often, but when she did Alison could see the panic on her face. She could feel the fear in her breathing pattern. She could feel her body shaking. Sometimes she clawed at the air and sometimes she threw wicked punches that Alison had to dodge.

It had been five weeks since they had almost slept together at Christmas. They hadn’t gone any further since, though they had gotten very close a few times. But Alison could see how deeply the lingering ramifications of Ben’s assault had stayed with Emily. And she was not going to push her into anything she wasn’t ready for. She loved her more than she loved sex. She had learned about the beauty of getting to know someone she loved intimately in ways that she never had before. She was just happy to be Emily’s girlfriend.

Emily had given Alison a safe place to go when her parents got to be too much for her to handle. Emily would drop everything for her in a heartbeat. Alison would be talking on the phone to her one minute and Emily would show up at her door ten minutes later to take her out. Sometimes Alison would call her because she didn’t want to be alone and Emily wouldn’t even hesitate to tell her to come over. She’d order them take-out or her mom would cook for them. They’d take walks or go to the movies or just hang out in Emily’s room and talk about life.

It was new and exciting for Alison to be able to talk without fear of ridicule or having to keep a certain façade up like she’d been expected to do in the past. She opened up to Emily about her fears and insecurities and the way that her family made her feel. Emily never judged her. She always reassured her and made her feel strong. She made her feel better about feeling vulnerable. She talked to Emily about her feelings for her, which she’d stumble and stutter through sometimes, because she couldn’t always find the words to explain how she felt. Most of the time she ended it with a kiss or a touch, because that’s the only way she knew how to show Emily what it was like through her eyes to be in love.

Emily had slowly started letting her walls down, too. She told Alison that she was struggling with her emotions with her dad being gone. She talked about how sometimes she felt like she was just sleepwalking through the day and admitted she didn’t feel like she was giving their relationship the attention it deserved, which Alison quickly shot down. Emily had been _more_ than attentive.

She also talked about how she was having problems in therapy because every time she went she was forced to relive Ben’s attack. She said that no matter how much she talked about it, it hurt every time. Because she didn’t like going to that vulnerable place. Her doctor had her doing immersion therapy with noises to help with some of her known triggers, which Alison was aware of. She’d seen her jump when she heard lockers slam at school. She’d seen her flinch at the sound of squeaky shoes. She’d watched her tense up when people touched her unexpectedly.

Alison had been helping her in strides with her PTSD. They had gotten closer than either of them thought was possible. Emily still had a hard time talking about certain things in her past. Most of the time she’d shy away or tell Alison she wasn’t ready to talk about it. Alison got frustrated sometimes, but she was careful not to overstep, because it wasn’t her right to push Emily back into that dark headspace just to satisfy her need for answers.

She knew they’d get there eventually. They were building up a foundation of communication. There was a certain bond, a trust that was being built between them. An emotional connection that they had both felt since the day they’d met.

They didn’t often get to stay together alone overnight. They’d had a few sleepovers with the girls and they’d spent a couple of nights just the two of them by playing their parents with lies about girls’ nights and study sessions. Otherwise Pam wouldn’t let Emily stay with Alison alone, because she knew their hormones were raging.

Pam had been hovering because of Emily’s nightmares. She’d woken up one night to a loud thud that came from Emily’s room and she’d found her on the floor squirming around muttering about the assault.

Ace had been standing over her, trying to keep her from bashing her head against the edge of her bed and the leg of her desk. The nightmare was so bad that at first Pam thought Emily was having a seizure. But when she’d turned the lamp on she’d seen tears streaming down her face and saw her muttering _“No, stop.”_

Pam had been unable to wake her, but she knew exactly what to do. Because Emily had been having night terrors for years. And her husband had them, too, especially after he’d just gotten back from a tour overseas. His nightmares were always fairly aggressive. Once, when Emily was little a storm had knocked over a tree and the loud crash jolted him out of his slumber. He’d grabbed a gun he kept in the bedside table. When Pam turned the lights on he was aiming furiously at nothing, his eyes dark. She hadn’t recognized the person staring back at her. It was one of the hardest aspects of being a military wife.

She had always been able to reach him though. And thankfully, she had reached him that night. It was only seconds after he’d lowered the gun and slipped it back into the drawer that Emily had come into their room rubbing her tired eyes. That was around the time they’d discussed putting all the guns in the house in a safe.

Wayne’s bad dreams had given Pam the experience needed to help their daughter when she’d started having night terrors. She’d been coaxing her out of them since she was six. So when Pam found Emily having a violent nightmare a few months after Ben’s assault she’d known exactly how to handle it. She’d crawled in between Emily and her bed and pulled her daughter into her lap until the nightmare passed, softly talking to her to bring her out of it.

The nightmares about the day in the locker room had been getting better, but every so often one would strike violently. Any time Alison was with her when it happened she tried to quiet her by speaking calmly and kindly to her, assuring her that she was okay.

But Alison was a little thrown by this particular nightmare. She’d awoken with a jolt, Emily’s hand flapping down against her stomach like something was wrong. Seconds later she’d started kicking. And now, Alison was helpless to do anything but be there.

Neither of their parents knew that Emily had spent the night at Alison’s house. Emily’s mom was out of town and Alison didn’t like the idea of Emily being home alone, even though she had Ace. The selfish part of her also wanted Emily to stay with her because _she_ didn’t want to be alone either. Her parents were both slated to be out at some work gathering. And usually those lasted until three or four in the morning. With Jason gone on a trip with his friends, the house had felt too empty. Too eerie. So she’d told Emily to come over.

They’d eaten dinner and had a movie marathon. Alison had painted Emily’s nails, and made fun of her for being so ticklish and squirming so much. Emily had retaliated by grasping Alison and pulling her down on top of her as she relentlessly tickled her.

The playful game had swiftly turned into a kiss, which had escalated into a sensual make-out session. Clothes were slowly peeled away until they were both in their undergarments. They had made out for nearly an hour, tasting one another, touching one another, kissing every inch of one another. It had been the first time in a long time where Emily didn’t have a memory of the day in the locker room. Even so, she’d slowed Alison down.

Alison had pulled back immediately, as she always did when Emily told her to stop. She’d rolled to the side and propped her head up on her elbow to look at Emily’s messy hair and flushed body. She’d placed a soft kiss on Emily’s heated cheek and brushed her fingers over her slippery bronze skin and then grabbed their nightgowns without further question. They’d spent the rest of the night talking. They had fallen asleep talking about what they dreamed of in the future.

But the morning was a stark contrast to the night they’d had. Emily’s body was flushed and sweaty for an entirely different reason. Emily jerked against the mattress as she gulped for air. Alison leaned over her and softly stroked her cheek.

“You’re having a bad dream, sweetie.”

She could feel perspiration coating her fingers. Alison could see the color draining from her face. It made her heart catch in her throat. She’d never seen her fall this deep before.

Emily had been doing very well in her recovery the past week. Everything had been going fine, but two days ago Ben had suddenly requested to speak to his lawyer, wanting to retract some of the things he’d said and call some evidence into question. They’d also heard that he was going to request a lighter sentence in lieu of good behavior. And his requests were being considered. The very fact that he might walk had set both Alison and Emily off. But while Alison raged outwardly, Emily had internalized.

“Nngg…” Emily’s jaw clenched. She looked like she was choking on her words. “Stop!” She threw a punch, nearly hitting Alison’s cheek.

Alison pulled away from the hit quickly and gently touched her wrist. _Touched_. Not grabbed. Because Ben had grabbed her and the last thing Alison wanted to do was make Emily more uncomfortable. She’d become very sensitive to Emily’s triggers.

“You’re safe. He can’t hurt you.” Alison assured her. “You’re safe.” She promised, lowering the volume of her voice, watching as Emily dropped her fist. “You’re safe.” She kissed her forehead. She could taste the salty sweat coating her skin.

She’d learned that not much could help Emily when she was dreaming about the assault. The important thing was being there for her afterwards.

Emily huffed under her breath and clutched Alison’s arm in her unconscious state. She drew in a sharp breath.

“Ali?”

“I’m right here. I’d never leave you. I’m right here for you, sweetie.”

Emily muttered a muffled cry and her head jerked to the right. Alison caressed her cheek. Her tension started to melt away. She sighed in her sleep.

“I should have told you,” she uttered.

“What?” Alison questioned in confusion. “Told me what?” She cautiously leaned closer to the brunette, watching her hands for any sudden movements in case she had to dodge another right hook.

Emily grasped Alison’s wrist in her unconsciousness and started panting, and Alison suddenly felt like she was invading Emily’s privacy. And she didn’t like it. She wanted anything that came from Emily to be when she was alert, awake, and in control. Anything else felt soiled and dirty and…

“I should have told you before I fell in love with you…”

 _She loves me._ Alison immediately softened.

She never got sick of hearing it. Emily loved her. She’d heard it several times when Emily was awake. But hearing it now…she’d heard that the unconscious mind was the purest form of truth that existed and she could _feel_ it when Emily said it. Emily _loved_ her. In her darkest hours Emily reached out to _her._ Emily trusted _her_. And that’s not something Alison took lightly.

“I love you, too,” Alison said softly. “You can tell me anything. Nothing is going to change that.”

“We…we should have…” She started muttering unintelligible words that Alison couldn’t understand. “I didn’t want to, but I…” She shuddered. “I’m sorry.” She sucked in a quiet gasp. “Don’t…don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.”

“You’re not alone. I’m here.” She continued to assure her. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. It’s you and me, Emily. Forever.”

She kissed the top of her head, trying to calm her nerves. Emily’s face scrunched up. She looked torn. Alison continued to talk to her, but Emily continued to get worse. Alison rubbed her cheeks in concern. She could feel Emily’s rapid heartbeat when she laid her palm against her neck. Normally by now Emily would have come to. But she was so lost in her nightmare that nothing was working. When Alison realized that she couldn’t bring her out of it she started to panic.

“Emily…”

“I don’t want to,” Emily thrashed.

“Emily, wake up.” Alison begged. “You’re starting to scare me.”

“I don’t want to die. Please just let me go.” Emily mumbled.

“Em, hey, it’s just a nightmare.” She was seconds away from screaming out for help, though there was no one around to hear it.

“Don’t take me.” Emily shivered.

“No one is going to take you. No one will hurt you. I won’t let them. Just…wake up.” She clutched her cheeks, her fingers splaying out against the sides of Emily’s neck.

“I can’t…I can’t do this. She should be here.” Emily muttered, biting into her tongue. “She should be here…it’s my fault she’s not…” Her jaw trembled. “It’s my fault.”

“Sweetie, you’re not making any sense.” Alison frowned.

“I…I don’t…” She jerked, and suddenly her tone changed. “Take care of Lily. Promise me you’ll take care of Lily.”

_Lily._

Alison froze. Her body stiffened. Emily had never talked to her about Lily. Though Alison had been curious about the card she’d found at Christmas, she hadn’t been able to find a way to bring it up. After she’d thought about it she’d come to the conclusion that it was one of her cousins. The little craft had the care that only family would have put into it.

“Promise me…” Emily pressed her lips together, her face rigid.

Before Alison could say anything else to comfort her Emily sucked in a gasp and her neck arched back against the pillow. A few seconds later her head jerked forward and her eyes shot open. Her head moved around, her eyes flickering. She was completely disoriented.

“Emily?” Alison asked softly.

“Alison?” Her face tightened in confusion.

“Hey.” Alison breathed a sigh of relief, rubbing her thumb against the wetness that had pooled underneath her eyes. She couldn’t tell if it was sweat or tears.

“I…” Emily tried to get her bearings. “Where am I?”

“You stayed with me last night. We fell asleep. You were having a nightmare.”

“I was?” Emily sat up, rubbing the sweat from her face.

“It seemed pretty bad.”

She’d heard stories about the nightmares Emily had when she was younger. She’d seen Emily have a few mild nightmares, but this one felt like it was on a different level. She’d never seen one this bad. Emily told her that after she’d gone blind her nightmares took on an entirely different form and sometimes the vivid things she saw in her mind when she was asleep made her feel like she was on an out of control merry-go-round with no way to get out, like her subconscious had closed the door to her consciousness and she was being left there to rot.

But she was awake now, and she seemed a bit more at ease. She yawned, relaxing against Alison’s shoulder, rubbing her cheek against Alison’s collar bone.

“I don’t remember it.”

Alison felt relieved to hear it. It was better for Emily to not have to go through it again.

“It’s over.” Alison assured her, though her mind was spinning. There was so much she wanted to ask her. She opened her mouth to question what she’d heard, but stopped the second she realized that Emily was still shaking. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Though she didn’t sound very confident in her response. “Sometimes it takes a minute for my body to settle after a really bad one. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. My nightmares can be kind of…um…” She was still a little disoriented and she couldn’t quite think of what she wanted to say, “…intense.” She clenched her right hand into a fist and ran her tongue over her dry lips. She tasted blood in her mouth from where she’d bitten her tongue. “Did I say anything?”

Alison’s voice caught in her throat. All she could think about was how Emily kept talking about something she had to tell her, and it sounded important. She sounded like she felt guilty for something. She sounded afraid for her life. And scared for Lily. And Alison was unnerved by it. She wanted to know the truth. But when she opened her mouth to ask her who Lily was all that came out was a sigh, because she’d seen the look of terror on Emily’s face. She’d seen the grief and the pain of her memories.

“You mumbled a little bit,” she said. She moved to sit up. “But nothing much. You were really freaked out about something.” Her face tightened in concern. “I couldn’t wake you.”

Emily could hear Alison’s tone wavering. She felt a strange nervous energy. She suddenly felt the need to make it up to her.

“Well, that settles it.” Emily moved to the edge of the bed, feeling around for her clothes. “I owe you an apology breakfast in bed.”

She felt Ace nudge her leg and push the fabric of something against her bare feet. She realized it was her jeans. One of the very first things Ace had learned was Emily’s cues in the morning. It made getting dressed easier. She grabbed her clothes and climbed to her feet, gripping the end table next to the bed for support as she changed out of her nightgown.

“I’d rather have _you_ in bed.” Alison moved behind her, the bed frame creaking beneath her.

“Ohh, with whipped cream?” Emily lifted her brow suggestively, turning around to face Alison.

“Don’t you tease me.” Alison pouted.

“How about some chocolate syrup and a cherry on top?” She playfully stuck her tongue out and sank her teeth into it.

“ _Your_ cherry?” _Fuuuuck my fucking hormones. I really just went there._ She buried her face in her hands in embarrassment. She heard Emily laugh. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” Alison challenged.

“Maybe I will.” Emily slowly turned her back to her and felt around for her cane.

“Hey!” Alison laughed, moving to sit up on the bed behind her. “Get back here.” She wrapped her arms loosely around Emily’s neck, pulling her back just enough to sneak in a kiss to her cheek.

The motion caused Emily to lose her balance. She moved backwards, stumbling back on to the bed.

“Oh, that’s how we’re going to play it?” Emily pushed her feet against the floor and moved so that she was back up on the mattress by Alison’s side.

She rolled so that she was propped up on her elbow. Alison was lying back against her pillow again. She reached out to touch Emily’s face, which was still damp with sweat.

“How else am I supposed to get you to slow the hell down?” She moved her hand down against the side of Emily’s neck.

“Ali, I’m fine.”

“I thought the nightmares were getting better.”

“They are. They’re fewer and far between.” Emily took Alison’s hand and squeezed it, letting her know that she was truly okay. “And I don’t have nearly as many flashes to that day as I used to.”

Alison did. She thought about it every single day. She thought about what could have happened to her girl and it made her so fucking mad. She still had a mental hit out on Ben Coogan. If she had the means she would pay someone on the inside to get rid of him forever, because he’d hurt the most precious thing in the world to her. And it was an offense punishable by death. Painful death. If he got out it would be a crime against humanity, and she’d go to war over it.

“Is therapy helping at all?” Alison asked.

She felt Emily shift uncomfortably. Emily hated therapy. Alison knew it. But Pam forced her to go.

“I wouldn’t say that. I only go to appease my mom.” Emily admitted. “What’s really been helping has been you and the girls. And Toby, Ezra, and Caleb. Having you all around has been a huge comfort to me. Just knowing you are all there for me…it helps…”

There was a pause, a lull between them. Then Alison sighed.

“It’s just a bunch of legal bullshit, Em,” Alison said. “There’s no way it’ll go anywhere. He’s just being an asshole because he can. My Aunt Veronica says they’re just grasping at straws because his sentencing trial is coming up. They’re looking for every out that they possibly can because they know he’s guilty as hell.”

Emily chewed on her lip, barely hearing a word that Alison was saying.

“You know he won’t get anywhere with the appeals, right?” Alison asked.

“Hmm?” Emily seemed dazed. It took her a minute to register what Alison had just said. She wasn’t even thinking about Ben. “Yeah. I know.”

She reached up and pushed her fingertips over some hair that had gone astray, moving it behind her ear. She left her curled fingers against the side of her jaw. Alison watched curiously. It wasn’t like Emily to be so withdrawn, not even after a bad dream. She usually shook it off. But something was lingering in her mind.

Alison thought about the way she’d been crying out in her sleep, and about how it had clearly been more than just Ben’s attack. Maybe her nightmares were twisting together. Maybe Ben wasn’t the first person in her life who had attacked her. She’d asked her numerous times if someone else had hurt her and she always shut it down, but maybe there was more to it.

“Something else on your mind?” Alison moved her hand to where Emily’s palm was resting against the side of her jaw.

Emily turned to face her, a gentle smile on to her face. She shook her head.

“I’m just bummed we’re not going to get to hang out this weekend.”

Alison had all but forgotten that Emily was going out of town for a few days to see her cousins in Delaware. Or at least, that’s what Emily had told her. That was only part of her trip. She would be making a pit stop in Baltimore first that no one knew about, except Hanna. But after Baltimore she really was going to see her mom’s side of the family. Pam was already there.

“Don’t go,” Alison whined, pulling Emily towards her.

“It’s a family thing, Ali. I can’t bail. My mom would kill me.”

“No she wouldn’t. You’re her only child. She’s contractually obligated to want you to stay alive.” Alison curled against her chest and laid her cheek against Emily’s shoulder.

Emily chuckled, but it almost sounded forced. Alison could feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She lifted her head just enough to glance at Emily’s face. Her expression was still rigid. Maybe she _did_ remember her dream. But why would she lie about it?

“Em,” Alison said, reaching down to trace the outline of her fingers, wrapping them until their fingers were laced together, “What’s going on with you? You seem off.”

“I don’t know,” she muttered. “I’m just tired, I guess. It’s been a long couple of months.” Emily mindlessly played with Alison’s hair.

Alison smiled and hummed. She loved the feel of Emily’s fingers in her hair.

“What about you? Have things been okay with your family? I know things have been tense between your mom and dad since their fight at Christmas.”

“It’ll blow over. It always does.” Alison sighed.

Her parents had come home from their trip angrier at one another than usual. They’d been sniping about some huge fight they’d had at the vacation house. Things had been tense between them for weeks, each of them throwing low verbal blows at one another about their affairs. Then they’d get drunk and disappear into the bedroom.

Alison usually left when she heard their bedroom door slam. Sometimes she went to Emily’s house. Sometimes she went for a walk. Two days ago she’d gotten out on to the porch and found Jason shooting hoops in the driveway. She’d silently walked over and leaned against the railing and watched him take a shot. After he sank the basket he’d walked over to his gym bag that he had sitting on the porch stairs. He’d pulled out a towel and wiped the sweat from his face. He’d glanced at the house and then at his little sister.

 _“They at it again?”_ He’d tossed the towel down.

 _“I just hope they’re using birth control.”_ Alison couldn’t imagine another poor child being dragged into her family.

 _“Nah, don’t worry about that. Mom had her tubes tied after you.”_ Jason had taken a seat on the steps.

That was news to her. She hadn’t known that.

 _“I was that bad, huh?”_ Alison sat next to him.

_“She was just done, I think. She also made dad get a vasectomy.”_

_“Why?”_ That sounded extreme given that her mom couldn’t get pregnant anyway. Then again, her mother could be extremely petty. Maybe she just wanted to cut her dad’s nuts off to spite his face.

_“He was screwing his secretary while mom was pregnant with you. She said she would not have any of his mistresses carrying his little bastard seed while they had a baby that needed to be cared for under their roof.”_

_“Lot of good that ‘caring’ did.”_ She’d huffed. She’d paused in thought and then looked at her brother. _“Why did they stay together, Jason? It makes the whole family miserable.”_

 _“Dunno.”_ He’d popped his water bottle open and taken several swigs. Then he’d pulled his shirt out and slipped it on over his head. _“Come on. Let’s go grab a bite to eat.”_

_“You’re seriously going to go out in public looking like a sweaty ungroomed ballsac? What will mom and dad think?”_

_“Fuck ‘em. It’s just been you and me since I was five.”_ He’d pretty much disowned his parents. _“Come on. I’m buying.”_

Alison thought about the fact that her brother had known about their parents’ affairs and troubles at _five years old_. It was no wonder the two of them couldn’t keep their shit together. It was no wonder it had taken her so long to understand what it meant to be in love.

She looked at her fingers intertwined with Emily’s. How had she gotten so lucky?

She hated that she didn’t have a normal family sometimes. But she was so glad she had someone like Emily, someone who didn’t judge her, someone who just let her talk about it without making her feel weird. As if on cue, Emily gently squeezed her hand,

“Wanna talk about it?” she asked, her finger gently trailing against Alison’s cheek.

Alison smiled at her touch. She shook her head.

“We only have a few hours before you have to leave. I don’t want to spend it talking about my screwed up family. I just want to be with you.”

“That I can do.” Emily lifted Alison’s chin until their lips met.

Alison reached up to cup her cheek as she moved in to the kiss. She kept their lips connected as she slowly wrapped her body around Emily’s. Emily put her arm around the small of Alison’s back and pulled her so that she was on top of her. Alison steadied herself on her knees, her lacy nightgown flapping open near her thighs as she straddled her girlfriend’s pelvis. She could feel the wet spot on her underwear catching on Emily’s pants.

Emily moved the arm against her back down slowly, her hand coming to rest on Alison’s hip. She pushed the flimsy nightgown up as her hand landed on the hot skin of her thigh. Alison moved down against her body to meet her kisses, keeping her arm propped up next to Emily’s side as their hips moved together. Emily moved her hand up to the nape of Alison’s neck.

There was a nervousness in her touch that Alison didn’t recognize. She seemed jittery. Alison assumed it was from her nightmare. But Emily had other things on her mind.

After a few minutes, Emily settled and they relaxed into their encounter. Alison moved her free hand underneath Emily’s shirt, running her fingers along her tender skin. She’d lost some weight over the holidays from all the stress of the attack and her father’s deployment, so her bones were a bit more defined, but she was still toned. She did yoga and rode a stationary bike to stay in shape. And it showed.

Emily curled her fingers against Alison’s neck and Alison shuddered. She rubbed her thumb against a soft spot near her ear and Alison huffed happily against Emily’s lips. Alison slid her hand against Emily’s side and leaned down, their chests flushing together.

They heard a door open and close.

 _This fucking family, I swear._ Alison had had it with being interrupted.

She sat up, her knees still on either side of Emily, her inner thighs against Emily’s hips. Emily felt Alison sit back against her upper thighs.

“Alison?” Her mother’s sharp voice rang out from downstairs.

Alison grumbled and dropped her head, a frustrated noise rumbling in her throat. Emily heard her aggravated tone. She laughed softly and put her palm against Alison’s cheek.

“I thought she was at work.” She muttered in irritation. “This world is too populated.”

“You’re cute when you’re grumpy.” Emily couldn’t help but laugh.

“Shut up.” Alison tried not to smile. “You’re lucky I love you or else when I unleashed my wrath on the world you’d be doomed.”

Emily chuckled at the image of Alison as an evil mastermind trying to take over the world like a cute little minion in heels.

“Is that so?” Emily reached up, her fingers pressing against Alison’s sides where she was ticklish.

“Emily Fields, don’t you dare.” Alison warned.

But it was too late. Emily dug her fingertips in and Alison squealed out a laugh just as Emily flipped them over to straddle her. Alison was still giggling softly. As she looked at the smiling brunette above her the strain of laughter turned into a quiet hum of adoration. She was so beautiful. She took a moment to appreciate her. Her eyes were dark and full of love and a flicker of mischief, the dark shade of brown nearly overshadowed by her hair falling over her cheeks like a soft satin curtain. Her lips were curled into a smirk, round and large, and still glistening and swollen from their kiss.

She had never fallen this far this fast. Alison reached up with a happy sigh and moved her palm underneath Emily’s long locks.

“I really do love you, you know,” she said softly.

She saw Emily’s cheeks redden immensely as she smiled back. Watching her face flush made Alison laugh. It was cute that the unflappable Emily Fields turned into a dork in love in moments like these.

“I love you, too.”

“Alison!” Her mother called again.

“Maybe if we ignore it it will go away.” Alison whispered.

“Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I know you’re home!” Her tone was curt and angry.

“Uh oh. She’s using your full name. She means business…” Emily teased.

“Upstairs!” Alison yelled back, her annoyance still very palpable in her tone.

Emily moved her weight off of Alison and sat up against the headboard. Alison smoothed her nightgown out and straightened her hair. She reached for her phone and glanced at the screen, trying her best to look inconspicuous. Seconds later her door opened.

“Alison, I’ve been calling, and…” She saw Emily and her bitchy tone suddenly changed into a sugary smile.

“Hey, Mrs. DiLaurentis.” Emily lifted her hand in a small wave.

“Oh, hello, Emily dear.” Jessica replied, like she hadn’t just been ready to yell at her daughter for ignoring her. “What are you girls up to?” She asked, a hint of suspicion in her voice.

“Just looking up the menu for _The Brew_ to try and decide what we want this morning.” The lie was smooth and flawless. It was the kind of tone that only someone who had been lying to their parents for years could have.

“I didn’t realize you were going for breakfast this morning.”

“It’s kind of what people do in the mornings.” Alison shrugged indifferently.

Jessica shot her a look of disapproval that let her know that even though she was eighteen, she still lived under _her_ roof and there would be no sassing her in her house.

“I thought you were at work.” Alison tested her boundaries, because she could.

“I forgot my wallet.” She held up her billfold. “I’m missing $40. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?” She asked incredulously.

“Dad took some cash for groceries for the party tomorrow night.” _You’d know that if you had bothered to ask him instead of pretending he’s not on the couch sleeping off his hangover._

“Oh, yes. That’s right.” Jessica nodded.

She didn’t apologize for accusing her daughter. She simply shrugged and smiled like the entire conversation had never even happened. Before she walked off she glanced at the girls. She hadn’t missed that their appearance was a little messy.

“Doors stay open at all times, girls,” Jessica said.

 _Eighteen years of being a mother and she chooses NOW to start parenting me?_ Alison glared at her mother. _I should dry hump Emily right now. Right in front of her. Have a nice big orgasm. Just to prove a point._

Emily could feel Alison shifting in the bed and she could tell by the way she was breathing that she was about to say something she might regret.

“Sorry. That was my fault.” Emily quickly piped in. “I didn’t want Ace to wander.”

Alison glanced at Emily and had to resist shaking her head with laugh. They had a really good little fibbing duo going on. But Emily’s approach was much smarter. Of course she’d take the blame. And of course she’d come up with something that not even her bitchy mother could argue with. Because Jessica didn’t know much about Emily’s seeing eye dog. Just that he was a dog. She didn’t know that he was trained not to leave Emily’s side unless she commanded him to do something.

“Right. Okay then. Well, if you need anything your father is right downstairs.” She said it so they’d know they weren’t alone in the house, so they better not try anything funny in the bedroom.

Jessica was spiteful enough that she’d probably wake her husband, though she’d have better luck waking the dead. He could sleep through an apocalypse when he’d had enough to drink. She left the girls, leaving the door open a crack.

“God, I’m so sorry about her.” Alison groaned in embarrassment. She buried her face in her hands.

Emily felt the motion. She put her hand against Alison’s arm.

“Hey, it’s not your fault.”

“She’s just _such_ a bitch sometimes.” Alison dropped her hands and faced her girlfriend. “That was quick thinking about keeping the door closed because of Ace. I’m impressed.” She smiled.

“No one questions the dog.” Emily nodded coolly. “Just be glad it wasn’t my mom. Not only would that line not have worked on her, but she probably would have separated us with a fire hose.”

Alison smiled thinking about Emily drenched from head to toe. When she got quiet Emily laughed.

“You’re thinking about me in a wet T-shirt aren’t you?”

“How did you know?” Alison didn’t deny it.

“Because I’m picturing you in the same wet T-shirt.”

“Mmm, great minds think alike.” Alison sank back into the bed, taking her place against Emily, lying her head against her chest and gently taking her hand again. “So, what do you want for breakfast?”

“What are my options?”

Alison glanced through the menu for _The Brew_ for real this time. She went through describing what their breakfast specials were. They mulled it over for almost twenty minutes before they both decided.

“What time is it?” Emily asked, yawning.

“Uh, eight thirty. What time did you say your bus left?”

“Eleven.” Emily stirred underneath Alison. “Let’s go ahead and head out. I’ve got to run home and pack a bag.”

“You haven’t packed yet?”

“Hey, I got distracted by a pretty girl last night. Not my fault.”

“Who is this pretty girl? I will destroy her.” Alison grinned.

“I dunno. She’s kinda feisty. She has plans to destroy the world because people annoy her.”

Alison laughed.

“Let me just change out of my nightgown.”

“I’m going to freshen up.” Emily grabbed her cane and her purse. “Ace, stay.”

She’d been in Alison’s house enough now that she knew her way around. She found her way to the bathroom and shut the door. As soon as she was behind closed doors she let out a shaky breath. She’d been holding it in since she’d woken up.

She put her bag down against the sinktop. She put her cane against the side of the sink and rubbed the back of her neck. She felt the heat radiating off of it. She took a breath, hoping Alison hadn’t noticed her weirdness after her nightmare. She was still seeing some of the images from it in her mind. She told herself to pull it together and turned the faucet on and let the water warm up.

She cupped her hands under the running water and then splashed it on her face, her eyes tightly screwed shut. She tried to calm her mind.

Today was a huge day for her. And no one aside from Hanna knew about it, because she was too fucking stubborn to tell her girlfriend for fear of losing her.

She dried her face off and then reached into her purse for her eye drops. She had a little trouble putting the drops in because her hands were shaking. She managed to settle down and get the drops in and then put them back in their compartment in her bag. Then she reached in and felt around for her prescription bottle, her hands tremoring. She popped the top and took her meds, chasing them with a small bottle of water from her purse.

“Hey, I’m thinking about calling our order in. That way we can just swing by and pick it up and eat at your place.” Alison knocked lightly on the door before opening it. “I’ll help you pack, since it _is_ my fault that you’re unprepared.”

“Sounds good.” Emily nodded, putting her things up. She reached into her purse and grabbed her chapstick, but it slipped from her fingers.

Alison bent down to pick it up for her. She noticed how badly her hands were shaking when she gave it back to her. She put her hands on top of Emily’s.

“You sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just need to get something to eat.” Emily replied, putting the chapstick on before grabbing her cane and her purse and walking out of the bathroom.

Alison followed her, her eyes narrowing in both confusion and suspicion, because she was _definitely_ not herself. She kept a close eye on her during breakfast and while they were packing. She’d offered to take her to the bus station, but Emily told her Hanna had already volunteered. When Alison had balked at that Emily assured her that while Hanna was her best friend, _she_ was her girlfriend.

“You don’t have to compete for my love.” Emily said as she was walking her out. “There’s plenty of it to go around.”

“You like her better than me.” Alison mumbled.

All Emily could do was laugh.

“Not true. I don’t feel her up every chance I get.” Emily smiled, putting her hand on Alison’s hip, which made Alison feel a little better. “At least not anymore.” She teased.

“You’re not funny, Emily Fields.” Alison glared at her.

“Then why are you laughing?” Emily squeezed her side, tickling her until she started to giggle.

“See, these are the things you can’t do with Hanna.” Alison tried one last time. “You know you’d have more fun with me.”

“I’m going to have to stick you two in a ring and let you duke it out one of these days, I swear.”

“Who would you bet on? Me or her?”

“ _You_ are my number one, Alison.” She leaned forward, Alison’s lips meeting hers. “But Hanna is pretty wiry.” She smiled against her mouth.

“I hate you.” Alison pushed her mouth out in a pout.

“No, you don’t.” Emily pecked her lips. “Enjoy your three day weekend.” Emily delicately pulled her hand away from Alison’s.

“I won’t without you.”

“Hey, it’s not very often we get a Friday off. Let’s just be thankful for the teacher in-service. They get to be on the other end of the learning for once.”

“I wonder if they shoot spitballs at the trainers and text in class.”

“Aria says last year her mother got in trouble for trying to correct something in one of their pamphlets. She staged a protest and they walked out five minutes early.”

Alison snorted out a loud laugh.

“Of course she did.” Alison wasn’t surprised. “Did she burn her bra as a demonstration against _the man_?” She imagined Aria’s mother being one of those hippie women in the 70s who went nuts at Woodstock.

“No, I think they went for margaritas instead.”

_Hmm, maybe I misjudged Mrs. Montgomery._

“I’ll call you when I get there, okay?” Emily smiled.

“You’d better.”

They kissed goodbye and then Alison begrudgingly walked out to her car. A few minutes later Emily heard Alison’s car pull out of the driveway. She moved over towards her porch swing and sat down. Ace sat next to her, in between the swing and her bag.

Hanna showed up ten minutes later. She could visibly see the tension Emily was carrying when she walked up on to her porch to grab her things.

“Ready?” Hanna asked.

 _As I’ll ever be_. But instead of saying what was in her mind she just nodded,

“Yeah.”

Emily didn’t say much on the way to the bus stop. Hanna could tell she wasn’t really listening to her, so she just put on some of their favorite music and drove. When they pulled up to the bus station Hanna turned to her, turning the music off.

“Emily, just say the word and I’ll go with you.”

She didn’t like the idea of Emily going to Baltimore by herself, even if it was only for one night.

“No. I know you have plans with Caleb. I don’t want to come between you two.”

“You come first. You’ve been my best friend much longer than I’ve been going out with Caleb. He knows I love him, but he also knows how important you are to me. You don’t have to go through this alone if you don’t want to.”

“Did you tell him?”

“I would never betray your trust like that.” Hanna put her palm on Emily’s arm. “Look, I know you like to handle your own shit, but this is…it’s different. You have to be honest with me. Are you _really_ okay? Because you haven’t stopped shaking since I picked you up and you look like you’re going to hurl. I mean, how freaked out are you?”

Emily sighed, her shoulders slumping, relaxing. Hanna _always_ called her on her bullshit. She was partially annoyed, but partially grateful. But she also felt incredibly guilty, because this was a conversation she needed to be having with her girlfriend.

“Everything is so different now. I want to do the right thing. But I don’t even know what that is. I just…I have so much to lose.” She swallowed hard, trying to clear her throat. “And I’m afraid everything is going to come flooding back to me when I get there and that I’m going to lose my shit or something…”

“Alright. It’s settled then. I’m driving you. If something happens I don’t want you there alone.” Hanna had heard enough.

“Wait, Hanna, no.” But the wheels were already spinning in Hanna’s mind, so it didn’t matter what Emily said, “…don’t overreact. I’m just saying…”

“Nope. I’ve made up my mind.”

“I already bought a bus ticket.”

“Whatever. We’ll get a refund.”

“It’s non-refundable.”

“Trust me, there’s never been an item in my life that I haven’t been able to return.”

Emily made a deal with her. If she could get the bus station to refund her money for the ticket then she’d let her drive her, knowing there was no way Hanna would be able to follow through.

She should have known better.

Twenty minutes later they were on the road to Baltimore in Hanna’s car, Hanna grinning smugly while Emily muttered under her breath.

“I can’t _believe_ they bought that I was an underage runaway on her way to meet up with some 40-year-old creep online and that you threatened to call the cops and said you’d sue them if they helped me.”

“You underestimate me, Emily Fields.” She fiddled with the heating and air knob. “Did your mom already book the motel?”

There was a pause before Emily answered, because Hanna was going to give her shit for what she was about to tell her.

“No,” Emily said. “She doesn’t know about this.”

Hanna froze. It was unlike Emily to keep her parents out of the loop. After all, this affected them, too.

“Where exactly does she think you’re going?”

“Nowhere. As far as she knows I’m at home tonight and taking the bus out to Delaware tomorrow.”

“God, you’re lying to her now, too? What’s next? You gonna try and pull a fast one over on me?”

Like that would ever happen.

“I’m not lying to her. I’m going to tell her when I get back. But this is something I need to do on my own.”

“I didn’t think you were allowed to do this without their supervision.” Hanna frowned in confusion.

“I worked something out with him,” she said. “I’ll be eighteen in a few months and this is the kind of stuff I need to start stepping up and handling without my mom and dad.”

“And you still haven’t told Alison yet?”

“No.”

“This shit is getting out of hand, Emily. You need to come clean to your girlfriend. She deserves to know.”

“What am I going to tell her? I don’t know anything yet. Everything is still at a standstill.”

“Are you sleeping with her?” Hanna asked bluntly.

“Hanna.” Emily growled. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I haven’t been able to…uh…” She rubbed the back of her neck nervously. “I…I’ve been… _seeing_ the locker room a lot when we…”

“She’s not pushing you is she?” Hanna bristled up defensively.

“Of course not.”

“And she’s treating you right? It’s not some weird form of masochism where she’s controlling you and walking all over you?”

Emily thought about how fun that could be. High heels and a whip. She smiled when she realized her Halloween costume had come with a whip.

“No.” _At least not yet…_

“Okay, just checking.”

“She’s actually been…” Emily sighed. “She’s really been great with the whole thing. She said she’s not in any hurry.”

“Really? _Alison_ said that?” That contradicted everything Hanna knew about her. It was just another reminder that Alison DiLaurentis was head-over-heels for her best friend. She frowned. “You know, she was asking me about Maya.”

“What? When?”

“It was right after we decorated your place at Christmas. She wanted to know what happened to her. She just seemed really curious, but I didn’t tell her anything. I thought maybe she’d asked you by this point.”

“I mean, we’ve talked a little about it. I told her about the depression. But she knows it’s a tender spot for me.” Emily’s voice softened tremendously. Her girlfriend was so sweet, so thoughtful.

“Did you tell her about the pills?” Hanna asked.

“That…that wasn’t intentional.” Emily started picking at her fingernails. “It wasn’t relevant. I did a lot of stupid shit after Maya died.”

“No shit.” Hanna rolled her eyes.

“I’ve started to tell her everything a few times, but…then I…I just can’t stop thinking about that night. About…seeing her like that. And then I turn into a huge fucking baby about it.”

“Hey, you’re allowed to grieve. I mean, Christ…you saw it happen. That’s enough to screw with anyone’s head.”

“It’s been three years.”

“There’s no timeline on grief, trust me. I still miss my Grandpa every day.” She reached over and rubbed Emily’s hand.

Hanna could feel the tension in her muscles. She knew exactly what her best friend was thinking. It was the same thought she always had about Maya. That it was her fault. That it should have been her. That Maya was supposed to be alive.

“Emily, don’t go there,” Hanna said. “You fought so hard to get out of that place…”

“I know.” Emily managed a weak smile.

They didn’t talk much more. Instead, they spent two hours trying to out-carpool karaoke each other with their favorite songs. It was the mood-booster that Emily needed. When Hanna pulled into the parking lot of the motel Emily was feeling a lot better about her coming along.

“I’ll get us checked in.” Hanna opened her door.

Emily pulled her phone out of her pocket and hit the accessible text feature. She said Alison’s name and when she heard the chime she said,

“I just wanted to let you know that I made it here safe. Didn’t want you worrying. Getting settled. I’ll call you later.”

Seconds later she heard the automated response,

“Me? Worry? Since when?”

Emily laughed at Alison poking fun at herself. But then she remembered where she was and why she was here and her smile faded. She suddenly felt the nerves return. She put her phone away.

When Hanna came back with their room keys they grabbed their things and made their way to the room. Hanna went to go get some lunch, leaving Emily alone with her thoughts.

She only lasted about ten minutes before she started to get antsy. She couldn’t just sit around the motel and wait, so she took Ace out for a walk and then grabbed a sandwich at a local café. She took the food back to the room, but every time she tried to take a bite she gagged. Her nerves were shot. Her fears about being back in the city where her first love had died combined with _why_ she was back was too much for her. She ended up puking up her lunch.

She took a few minutes to calm herself with breathing techniques she’d once considered bullshit. She still thought they were bullshit, but they were all she had. She splashed her face with some cool water and then went out to get some air. She texted Hanna to let her know she was going to be gone and that Ace was in the room. Then she made her way towards her destination, her doubt and guilt eating away at her.

An hour later a pair of arms had her in an embrace. A soft pair of hands were on her face. Hands that did not belong to Alison. Hands that Emily was very familiar with. Hands that she’d known for years. She smiled timidly.

“It’s been too long, Emily,” he said, leading her to sit down.

He was probably still as attractive as the day they’d first met. His touch was certainly still as delicate. And he smelled really good. He smelled like Maya. God how she missed her.

“I’m sorry I haven’t called.” Emily sputtered nervously.

After all the time they’d known each other, after everything they’d been through together...he _still_ made her nervous. Her heart was fluttering in her chest.

“How’ve you been?” She could feel his thumb tracing against her cheekbone.

Her instincts were telling her to pull away. But she couldn’t. Not from him. He was safe. He was familiar. He was the only person who understood everything she’d gone through. Because he’d gone through it with her. They’d gone through it together.

“I’m good,” she said.

“Where’s Ace?” he asked.

“Uh, I’m bunking with Hanna. She’s taking care of him. I knew I could make it here and back without a problem.”

“You walked here alone?” He sounded annoyed.

“I have two working legs.” She shrugged.

“I would have come to get you, you know.”

“I just figured you were busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you, Em.”

“I know,” she said softly. “How is Lily?”

“She’s good. She had a big day today, so she’s taking a nap right now. She’s beyond excited to see you though.” His fingers felt warm against her skin. “How is Rosewood?”

“It’s good. I’m doing pretty well keeping up in school and it’s…I…I’m…good.”

Emily bit her lip, thinking of Alison. She was rigid underneath his touch. He noticed the reservation on her face. He pulled back with a frown, dropping his hands to his sides.

“You’re not having second thoughts, are you? Because if you are I need to know…”

“No.” She said it so quickly, but she had all kinds of alarm bells going off in her head. It sounded like a damn _Kill Bill_ movie happening in her brain. “I’m just nervous. But I’m not having any doubts. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. And I know I’m putting you in the middle and I’m sorry about that, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“It’s fine,” he said, but he sounded uncertain.

“Are _you_ having doubts?” Emily questioned. “I know you could get in trouble for this…”

“We skated past trouble years ago,” he replied. “Neither one of us was ever one to play by the rules.” He paused in thought. “I was surprised to get your call, though. I thought everything was going well for you.”

“I’ve never been happier.” She smiled weakly. She felt guilty admitting that to him.

But he didn’t falter. In fact, he was glad to hear it. He rubbed her arm. His fingers were smooth like silk, just like she remembered.

“Your friends and family?” He asked.

“They still don’t know.”

“You know I’ve never been one to tell you what to do, but I really think you should talk to your mom and dad.”

“They have enough going on in their lives right now.” She thought about her mom’s fragile state with her dad being overseas. “I need some time.”

“Alright,” he said. “I can respect that.”

“Thank you.” She knew he’d understand.

He always understood.

“Of course.” He put his hand on top of hers. “So, we’ve got a little time to kill before Little Miss Thing graces us with her presence.”

She could practically hear him smiling. He was always so warm and kind. He’d always had a soft comforting smile. She could still see it in her mind.

“Then I guess we’re taking a trip down memory lane.” Emily lifted her head. She could feel her blood rushing in her ears.

“Just like old times.” He nodded.

She smiled. It was always the same with him. Every time they were together she felt like everything was going to be okay. He could sense Emily was incredibly anxious, so he used his natural charm to calm her down.

They talked for a little while. Small talk about how their lives were going. He talked to her about his trip to Haiti and she told him about Alison. He saw her face light up in ways he’d never seen before.

“She got us tickets to go on a cruise next month.” Emily smiled.

“Oh?” He replied curiously, though his tone suggested he wanted to say more.

“You think it’s a bad idea, don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that.” He shook his head, his face tense and tight.

“You’re making a face. I know you’re making a face.”

He laughed. She’d always been able to read him like a book, and it seemed that she’d only gotten better at it since she lost her vision.

“I have no comment.” He threw his hands up defensively.

She heard the motion and she moved to shove him playfully.

“You’re such an asshole.” She chuckled.

“So, tell me more about her,” he said with a quiet laugh.

So she opened up to him about everything. She told him all about Rosewood, about Ben, about Alison. The only time she faltered was when she told him that she still hadn’t told Alison the truth about her past.

“What are you so afraid of?” he questioned.

Emily couldn’t answer that. How could she? She felt like she was betraying Alison by being there. With him. But it’s not like she could undo their history. A wave of panic seized her. Her breathing came out jagged and fast. She felt a massive amount of pressure and he could see what it was doing to her.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. Calm down.”

She shook her head, tears in her eyes.

“I don’t deserve her.” She started to hyperventilate.

“Take it easy.” He gently touched her shoulder. “Here, lie down.”

Emily didn’t fight him. He told her take deep breaths. She felt like she was falling through the darkness. She reached out for his hand, snatching it as soon as she found it. It felt wrong...holding a hand that wasn’t her girlfriend’s. But at the same time, it was familiar. He gently laid his other hand on top of their joined fingers. His touch felt so much like Maya’s that it hurt. It opened something inside of her that she couldn’t control. She reached out for a lifeline. And he was there.

She blacked out. It was only forty minutes later when she was sitting up against the edge of the bed, her skin hot, but covered in a cold sweat, that she realized it wasn’t one of her dreams. She was in Baltimore. It was real. She suddenly felt cold.

“Everything okay?” He asked, reaching out to put his hand on her shoulder.

“Uh…I need to use the restroom.” She stumbled to her feet, fumbling until she found her cane.

“You remember where it…”

“Yeah.” She didn’t let him finish as she bolted out the door.

She walked down the hallway and found her way into the bathroom. Her hands were trembling again. She felt like crawling into a hole and dying. She splashed some water on her face. She gripped the edge of the sink and took several slow deep breaths. All she could see in her mind was Alison. She found herself wishing that she was back in Rosewood, that Alison was in her arms. She wished she’d never met him. She wished…

But wishes were for dreamers. And though she liked to dream she’d learned a long time ago that dreams didn’t always come true. Maya was dead because of her. And Maya’s brother, who should _hate_ her actually _cared_ about her. He cared more than he should have. He knew things that no one else knew. They’d shared things that not even their parents knew about. It was just the way it had always worked with them.

It took her a little bit of time to get it together, but she finally managed to get her emotions under control. That’s what she had to do. She had to be cool, calm, and collected. She had no other choice.

She walked back into the room, which was unsurprisingly empty. He knew when she needed space. She felt her way around to a chair she knew very well. It was a chair that she and Maya had once dubbed ‘the dare chair’. And whoever was sitting in it had to do whatever the other person dared.

They’d come up with all kinds of silly games back then. She trailed her finger along the worn fabric, smiling when she thought about Maya and all the games they’d played together. She sat down in the chair and leaned back. Something about it was a comfort to her. She felt herself starting to relax.

She heard footsteps approaching.

“Emily?” She heard his voice, drawing her back into reality. “I have someone who wants to see you.”

She heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet and she smiled.

“Emmy!” The little girl shrieked in excitement.

Most toddlers sounded the same to people. They spoke in gibberish and fumbled over their words. But Emily would know that voice anywhere in a crowd.

She felt her little bitty hands pushing up against her thigh. The last time she’d seen her, when she’d _actually_ seen her she had been a baby. She’d been a beautiful child. Thick dark hair, coiled curls on top of her head, adorable dimples when she smiled, and soft brown eyes full of curiosity and wonder.

She was three now. Emily had visited with her several times since she’d lost her vision, but she could only imagine what she looked like now. She’d heard descriptions, but it didn’t really do her justice.

“Hey, Lil.”

She felt the little girl climbing up against her legs until she was in her lap. She sat up against her knees and reached for Emily’s sunglasses. She dropped them into Emily’s lap and leaned up and kissed the top of one of Emily’s eyes, and then the other. It was something she did every time she saw her. Lily grasped Emily’s cheeks, her tiny hands warm and sticky and smelling faintly of pancake syrup.

“I missed you, Emmy.”

“I missed you, too, Lily.”

Lily moved so that she was almost standing in Emily’s lap. Emily felt her shift and she automatically reached out and put a protective arm around the small of her back to keep her from falling. Lily wrapped her small arms around Emily’s neck and hugged her tightly.

“You’ve gotten so big and strong.” Emily laughed. “I think you’re superhero and you haven’t told me yet.” She whispered playfully.

“I’m wearing my Supergirl shirt! I like Supergirl. She’s really brave and strong. She reminds me of you, Emmy. I think _you’re_ Supergirl.”

“How is that possible? I thought _you_ were Supergirl?”

Emily laughed and booped her nose and Lily erupted in giggles. Emily cherished that sound. There was nothing better than baby giggles.

“Ohhh, ohhh, guess what I got from Santa?”

“What?” Emily asked in excitement, selling her over-enthusiasm well.

“He brought me _three_ my little ponies! I only asked for one, but I got _three_! I named them. Come on, I’ll show you.” Lily grabbed Emily by the hand and started tugging on it. “And then can you tell me a story?” She loved Emily’s stories. Emily told the _best_ stories.

“Of course. But remember the rules. You have to ask for permission first…”

“Ohhh, can we?” She raced over to him, begging. “Please? Please?”

“Go ahead,” he leaned down to the little girl’s level. “But don’t keep her all to yourself. I want to spend a little time with Emily, too, okay? Besides, you’ve had a long day…”

“Just one story!” Lily nodded back enthusiastically. She tapped her chin and then smiled. “Maybe three or four.” She quickly changed her mind. “Come on, Emmy!”

Before Emily could object they were moving again. She let Lily lead her back to her room. She handed Emily a silicone plastic toy pony and told her all about Princess Sparkle. Then she told similar stories for Cinnamon Buttercup and Rainbow Starlight. They played for almost an hour with the ponies and then Lily insisted on a tea party.

When they were finished with tea time Lily begged Emily to tell her story, so she pulled Lily into her lap and started telling her about two fair maidens in a faraway land who met in the most unusual of circumstances. She told her about how the two maidens slayed an evil dragon together and then fell in love.

“Emmy?” Lily yawned as Emily moved Lily into her bed to tuck her in.

The little girl was nearly asleep. She’d had a long day.

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna stay a little while?”

“I…” Emily felt herself getting choked up. “Not this time, Lily. I have to go back home.” She had a fair maiden waiting for her.

Lily sighed heavily, pushing her lips out in a pout.

“You’ll come back and visit, right?”

“Of course, Lil.” Emily leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you really soon, okay?”

“You’re my favorite, Emmy.”

“You’re mine, too, kiddo.” She said, tears burning her eyes.

She heard him walking into the room. He cleared his throat.

“Hey, Emily…we should talk.”

“Later.” Emily shrugged. “I’m visiting with my favorite munchkin right now.”

He relented, waiting for _later_. But later didn’t come, because the second the little girl was asleep Emily was desperate for some air. She felt like she was suffocating. Everything was rushing back to her. Her head was spinning. So instead of staying she slipped out into the cool evening air.

At first she had every intention of getting her shit together and going back inside. But then she started pacing. And pacing turned into walking. And then she was walking back to the motel, trying to get some clarity on the way.

Ace was waiting for her at the door when she pushed inside the room covered in sweat and breathing heavily. She quickly found the bed and plopped down. She tapped her foot impatiently against the floor. She felt Ace nudge her knee and she reached down and stroked his head.

“Emily?” She heard Hanna’s voice from the bathroom. She could barely hear her over the shower running. “Is that you?”

“Yeah!”

She heard heavy footfalls and the bathroom door whooshed open. Hanna had bundled herself up in a towel to come and yell at her stupid best friend.

“Damn it, Em.” Hanna growled. “You were supposed to call me to come pick you up.”

“I needed some air.” She had to get out of there. She couldn’t face him.

“It’s freezing out there. Not to mention, Baltimore isn’t exactly a place you want to be trouncing around in after dark…”

“It’s always dark to me.” Emily shrugged and sat back against the bed.

“You are fucking infuriating.” Hanna grumbled. She looked at her friend, who seemed shaken. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fine.”

Hanna looked at her skeptically, then sighed.

“I’ll be out in a few. I ordered us some dinner. It’s already paid for. Just listen for the knock at the door.”

“Got it.”

Though the last thing on her mind right now was food. She leaned down, running her fingers through her hair. She fell back on the bed. She pulled her sunglasses off and rubbed her throbbing temples.

“Fuck,” she muttered under her breath. “What the hell am I doing?”

She couldn’t keep doing this. She sat up, reaching for her phone in her pocket. She held it in her hands like it was an explosive device. Like at any minute she was going to get a call that she wasn’t sure how she was going to handle.

After a few seconds of fretting she pulled up the voice to call feature and said her girlfriend’s name. Because Alison was the only thing that made sense to her in her life. And she felt like she was spiraling. And she needed to hear her voice. She didn’t deserve her, she was sure of that. But she needed her.

Alison practically dived for her phone when she saw it was Emily calling. She mentally counted to three so she wouldn’t sound too desperate, then she answered,

“Hey you.”

Hearing Alison’s voice filled Emily with a plethora of emotions. Guilt. Relief. Grief. Love. Pain.

“Hey you.” Emily replied with a shaky breath.

“Everything okay?” Alison didn’t miss her downtrodden tone.

“I…um…”

Hanna was right. The longer she kept this from Alison the worse it would be when she found out. She felt the truth nipping at her heels, slowly taking over her body. She tried to build up the courage to do it. But the thought of losing her now…it terrified her. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach.

“Just tired. Long day.” Emily rubbed her eyes.

“Same here.” Alison sighed. There was a pause and then she added. “I miss you.” She hated herself for sounding every bit like that clingy high school loser she would have made fun of months ago.

“I miss you, too.”

“How’s Delaware?”

Emily bit down on her lip so hard she tasted blood. She was lying to her about so much. What kind of monster did that to someone she loved?

“There’s not nearly enough you.” Emily replied.

“Of course not. I’m one of a kind. I’m a trademark, baby.” Alison teased.

“That you are. A rare diamond-studded pearl necklace.” Emily laughed softly. “So, how has the rest of your day been?”

“The weather is dreadful. Cloudy with 100 percent chance of no Emily.” She pouted.

“So, you’ve just been moping around since I left?”

“Hey, there was some sulking and brooding, too. I brood at a college level.” Alison tried to sound impressive.

“Which means what, exactly?” Emily chuckled.

“Sighing dramatically with a bottle of _Jameson_ in one hand and a Shakespearean novel in the other.”

“You’ve been taking lessons from Ezra, I see.”

Alison’s laugh reverberated through the line and Emily felt it in her bones. She listened with a soft smile on her face as Alison talked about her day. Everything that was eating away at her dissipated. At least, for a little while. But the more she listened to Alison talk the more she felt the truth creeping up her spine. She ran her tongue over her lip, feeling where it was swollen from where she’d been biting on it.

“You’re being awfully quiet.” Alison called her out. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well...” Emily scratched her head, scrunching her eyebrows. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about…” But then she stopped herself. She couldn’t do this over the phone. Alison deserved better than that.

“Yeah?” Alison sounded anxious.

“I…uh…” The words felt like a burning liquid that had accidentally been inhaled into her lungs. In her mind the words were flowing so freely. But there was a disconnect between her brain and her mouth. “About this morning.” She shuddered when she remembered her nightmare. It had been all of her fears attacking her at once. She wanted to share those fears with Alison, but once she did she knew things would change. Alison would never look at her the same way again. “I just wanted to apologize…”

“Apologize?” Alison asked in confusion.

“That whole thing with your mom. I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.”

“Oh, that.” Alison blew it off. “Don’t worry about it. She’d forgotten about it when she got two drinks in when she got home tonight. Have you seriously been worried about that?” Alison thought it was kind of cute that Emily cared what her parents thought.

“I just didn’t want you taking the blame for something that wasn’t your fault.”

“Oh, sweetie, it was _all_ on me. I was sneaking you over one way or another.” Alison laughed.

“Fair enough.” Emily smiled.

“I’m glad you were here.” Alison admitted. “After that nightmare…”

“About that…”

Alison perked up. Had she remembered what it was about?

“I never got the chance to thank you. For keeping me calm and getting me out of it. My mom and dad have told me my nightmares have been pretty violent in the past, so I’m glad I didn’t hurt you. I just hope I didn’t frighten you too badly. They seem worse than they are.”

Alison found herself a little irritated at Emily for downplaying what seemed to be a full blown night terror. Her body could have gone into shock or she could have had a stroke or something.

“How often are they that bad?” Alison questioned curiously.

She’d only witnessed a few, but none as severe as the one she’d seen this morning. It had been like someone was physically torturing her.

“It used to be a few times a week.” Emily didn’t lie about it. “I mean, when I was little they were full blown kicking and hitting and screaming and hiding next to my dresser while my parents tried to talk me down from them. But over the years they’ve gotten much better. I did have a setback when I lost my vision…”

Alison cringed, she’d never _not_ feel guilty about that.

“…and after Ben.” She gnawed on her lip again. “But I’m on the upswing of them.”

After what she’d witnessed this morning, Alison wasn’t so sure.

“Can I ask…what sparked them?” Alison questioned.

“No one is really sure.” The answer came out very quickly, like it was a reflex, something she had an answer to before someone had even asked the question.

Emily hoped it didn’t sound too much like a lie. She remembered her first night terror in vivid detail. She’d been six when it happened.

“Don’t put too much thought into them, Ali. I know they’re scary, but it’s not the end of the world.”

“Right.” Alison sounded like she was in thought. “Do you remember _anything_ about it?”

Emily fidgeted uncomfortably. The phone line crackled with static.

“Just a lot of discomfort.” Emily bit her lip again. “I just felt…disoriented and confused.” She furrowed her brow. “And trapped.”

“Trapped…like under something or in a building or…” She swallowed, “…in the garage the night of the explosion?”

“No. Just…trapped.” Emily ran her fingers through her hair nervously. “I don’t…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s fuzzy and weird.” Though the truth was that she remembered exactly what it had been about. “Look, my nightmares are random and they rarely make any sense. It’s just the stress of everything I can’t see and the burden of things I do remember.”

Alison couldn’t even begin to imagine what had happened to her that had burdened her with demons so dark that she writhed around like she was in physical agony. Or were they just regular nightmares that were heightened because of her visual impairment? Before Alison could ask to clarify, Emily explained,

“You remember how I told you that when you live in darkness the possibilities of what the light looks like are endless? That I get to imagine the beauty in the world?”

“Yeah.” Alison wanted to swoon thinking about their time getting to know one another at the park. That’s where she’d really fallen in love with her.

“It doesn’t always work that way when I’m asleep. Because I don’t have control over what I see or hear or experience there.” She sighed. “The nightmares that I have…they’re very real to me. There is a blurry line between fiction and reality.”

“I wish I knew what I could do to make them go away,” Alison said quietly. “I wish I could help.”

Emily smiled at her thoughtfulness.

“You do,” Emily assured her. “By being with me.”

Alison felt her cheeks get hot in response. She thought about how helpless she’d felt watching Emily suffer. Being there didn’t seem like enough at the time. She’d had to sit there and watch her relive her worst memories, and the terror she’d felt…

“Em, who’s Lily?” Alison blurted out.

It had been on her mind all day. Hell, it had been on her mind since Christmas. She just had an excuse to ask her about it now.

Emily felt her blood run cold, but she kept a cool and even tone, despite the fact that her entire body was shaking.

“Lily?” She asked.

“You cried out for her during your nightmare.”

Emily thought about Lily, so little and vulnerable. Even in her dreams she’d fight to protect her, fight to make sure nothing could ever hurt her. She loved that little girl. Maya had loved her. Of course she’d been dreaming about her. Of course all of her fears and the dark clouds that hovered over her past had manifested into the night terror she’d had this morning. How the hell did she explain Lily without telling her everything? She felt her stomach churning, because she was getting ready to lie to the love of her life. And she felt sick about it.

“Lily…” Emily said again, this time softer and less questioning. She sounded like she was thinking the name over. “I used to babysit.” The lie felt bitter, but it was partially based in truth. “She was my absolute favorite baby. Cute as a button. Smart as hell. And the most determined child in the world.”

“Well, no wonder you liked her. She sounds exactly like you.” Alison breathed out something between a sigh and a laugh.

The tension between them melted away and they shifted the topic of conversation to more upbeat things. They talked about their plans for the cruise and what they wanted to do on the ship.

A couple of minutes later Emily heard a knock at the door, so she told Alison it was dinner time and that she’d call her later. She hung up just as Hanna was coming out of the bathroom in her pajamas.

“I got it.” She told Emily as she walked towards the door.

She opened the door, smiling at the guy delivering the food. He handed her their dinner and then told them to have a good night.

“Hey, was that Ali I heard you talking to?”

“Yeah.” Emily answered.

“Did you finally nut up and tell her?”

“Um, not exactly. I’m still trying to get my head on straight.”

“So, what happened today?” She asked, walking over towards the twin beds with the food in her hands.

“Nothing.”

Hanna stared at her. The way she was holding herself told her otherwise. Her shoulders were squared back. Her neck was tense. Her hands were curled into fists, probably subconsciously.

“Bullshit.” Hanna scoffed. “You’re totally tweaking. What happened? Was it bad? What did he say to you?” The growl in her voice was that of someone ready to kill anyone who had done anything to upset her best friend.

“Nothing…he…we talked…”

“You _talked_?” Hanna lifted her brow suspiciously. “And?”

“Can we just turn on the TV or something? I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“And I really don’t care. Because you _clearly_ need to talk about it.” She handed Emily a bucket of fried rice and eggrolls. “So I’m going to repeat the question.”

“Hanna…”

“Hey, we’re sharing a room. I can do this all night.” She popped the top off of her Miso soup. “So unless you want me poking you at 3 AM like a toddler asking ‘are we there yet?’ you’re going to answer my question.”

“It was…” Emily flinched. “It went fine. Everything is fine.”

“Really?” Hanna’s tone implied the highest of skepticism. “Does he know about you and Alison?”

“I told him.” She nodded. “He seemed…” He’d seemed apprehensive at first, but then he’d just told her he hoped she was happy. “He was happy for me. I told him what’s been going on. The bad dreams, the guilt, the anxiety, the flashes…”

“So you’ll talk with him about it, but not Alison?”

“He already _knows_ , Hanna,” Emily said. “It’s different with him. He’s been there since the beginning…”

She could feel Hanna glaring at her, judging her.

“Shut up.” Emily threatened before she could say a word.

“This isn’t right, Em,” Hanna put her hand on top of Emily’s. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this isn’t fair to her.”

And that was a lot for Hanna to say, because she hadn’t always seen eye to eye with Alison.

“Yeah, like anything about life is fair?” Emily motioned towards her eyes. “Just stay out of it.” She warned. “For the first time in my life I’m doing what _I_ want to do, not what anyone else wants me to.”

“You fell in love with her, didn’t you?”

Emily made a face like it was the stupidest question in the world, because of course it only had one answer.

“The moment we met.” Emily sighed.

“You are making things very complicated.” Hanna grumbled.

“I’m a complicated person.” Emily reached into her pocket, pulling her earbuds out.

She didn’t feel like listening to Hanna bitch at her for the next twelve hours. She just wanted to enjoy her dinner in peace.

She shoved her earbuds in her ears. The music she ultimately ended up choosing to go with was the sultry blues, which soothed her. All she knew was that she couldn’t hear Hanna sniping at her.

That still didn’t soothe the aching feeling in her heart. She’d never felt so torn in her life. She’d woken up this morning with the girl of her dreams in her arms. And now, she was lying in a motel room two hours away in a bed that felt colder without her. Her girlfriend had no idea who she really was, nor what the future had in store for her…for _them_. Because her visit to Baltimore was just the beginning of new chapter. And she knew that there weren’t many pages left before the climax hit.

* * *

 **A/N:** _Uh oh, I feel a pitchfork on my ass right now. Given what is going on in PLL: TP with Emison this is probably the WORST timed chapter in the world. But before you yell at me take into account that there is always more than meets the eye. Also, I don’t often play the “dead mom” card, but her birthday was a few days ago and I’ve been all kinds of fucked up this week. So if you do yell at me, throw in some random pleasantry somewhere. And know that you’re getting some pretty great fluff next chapter._


	21. Ocean View

**A/N:** _I know you guys are probably ready to murder me horribly for the pace. *I* wanted to kill me when I was writing it. But it’s a long haul. I truly appreciate those of you still with me. Just wanted to say that._

* * *

  **Chapter 21:**

**Ocean View**

Everyone around Emily noticed the subtle changes in her attitude the next few weeks. When they asked if she was okay she was quick to dismiss it, telling everyone she was just really missing her father, which was the truth. Things were always harder without her dad around. It was a huge part of her distance and mood. But that wasn’t the only reason for the changes in her behavior.

Hanna and Toby were the only people who knew what was going on in her mind. And she hadn’t been able to hide her visit to Baltimore from her mother either. And just like Emily expected, she’d overreacted. Then again, it wasn’t really an overreaction from a parent’s point of view. She tried to remember that her mother always acted out of a place of love.

Emily found a way to press forward, despite everything that was eating away at her. She was pretty good at masking her emotions, but not good enough to fool those closest to her. Alison had voiced her concerns several times, but since she’d never been around Emily while her dad was deployed she didn’t know to suspect anything different.

Emily had tried to bring up the truth to her several times, but she always lost her nerve. Because when she was around her girlfriend she just couldn’t think straight. And she didn’t even know how to begin to explain it to her. So instead she let her guilt gnaw at her like a batch of termites destroying her from the inside.

Fortunately, she had the cruise that her class was going on to take her mind off of all of the thoughts swirling through her mind. At least, she thought it would do her some good to get away and relax in the sun. But her vacation had started off rocky.

The night before they were set to fly out she was unsettled for a lot of reasons. Her tension was only exacerbated when her mother came in to talk to her. At first Emily thought she was just going to yell at her again for running off to Baltimore without telling her. Pam had been on her ass about that since Emily had told her about it. Emily had convinced her that the trip was just something she needed to do for closure. She’d stuck to partial truths, evading her mother’s barrage of questions with a cushioned version of what she’d really gone there for.

Her mother walked in and sat down against the edge of her bed. Emily could feel the motion of her wringing her fingers together.

“You’re not changing your mind about letting me go, are you?” Emily blurted out nervously. “I mean, I know I screwed up lying to you about Maryland, but I really have a lot riding on this.”

“Hmm?” She seemed distracted. “Oh. No. No, this isn’t about that. I mean, your father and I certainly aren’t happy that you went out there without our permission.” Pam stopped her nervous fiddling. “We don’t want you making those judgement calls. You’re not even eighteen yet, Em.”

“I don’t understand why that makes a difference,” she muttered. “It’s only a few months away.”

“Listen, your dad and I want to support you. But we can’t do that if you don’t talk to us. We want to be included.”

“Okay.” Emily nodded.

“No more lying.”

“I got it.” Emily shrugged uncomfortably. There was a period of strange tension. “Look on the bright side. It could be worse. I could be a prostitute selling my body for cash, or even worse…dealing gluten and processed sugars to the children of society. The _horror_.”

“Don’t push your luck.” Pam warned her not to sass her, but she had to fight back a smile. Because her child was every bit a smart-ass as her father.

“So, if you’re not here to ban me from the trip last minute, what did you need to talk to me about?”

Pam was silent for a few seconds. She shifted her weight, moving the bed. She sighed heavily.

“Well, I just got off the phone with Veronica Hastings…”

“Spencer’s mom?” Emily questioned. It took a second to dawn on her that there would only be one reason that she’d be talking to Spencer’s mom. “Why…why were you talking to Spencer’s mom?” Her eyes widened. “Oh my God…is he out? Did they let him out?”

“No.” Pam interrupted her, quickly putting her hands on top of Emily’s to reassure her. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

But Emily could hear the concern in her tone. She could hear her feet shuffling nervously.

“They _are_ looking at a reduced sentence though. Because he’s a minor and he’s been a model inmate…” Whatever the hell that was, “…and he doesn’t have any violent priors. And since they couldn’t find the knife…”

“He’s only been locked up for four fucking months.” Emily couldn’t stop herself from cursing.

Usually her mother gave her shit for her language, but she didn’t in this instance, probably because she was thinking the exact same thing. They’d gone easy on the bastard because of the way he’d pleaded, and because it was _attempted_ rape charges and not regular rape charges. With attempted rape it had to be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the intentions for the act were actually there. It was basically Emily’s word against his, and even though he’d pleaded guilty and they’d not gone to trial, the sentencing had been a lot lighter for him. It’s one of the reasons he’d pled the way he had.

“And in order to _keep_ him behind bars we can contest his appeals and his request for early parole. Veronica thinks it would be a good idea for you to write a letter to the parole board about what you…” Her face scrunched up, “…what you experienced that day.”

“They have my statement.”

“They have the facts,” Pam said. “This would be your emotional appeal, as well as your opinions on how it would disrupt your life…your healing process.”

Basically they wanted her to pick at her scabs until she was bleeding all over the damn court.

“Why do I have to keep proving how messed up what he did was?” Emily grumbled in irritation.

“I know it’s frustrating.” Pam rubbed her arm. “It’s just all the red tape. We have to keep cutting through it. Eventually, his legal team will run out of options.”

Emily sighed.

“I’ll get something drafted up after I get back.” Emily rubbed the back of her neck. She could feel her muscles completely jammed up from the base of her skull all the way down to her shoulder blades.

Pam took a moment to take in her appearance. She could tell that she was stressed out and that she didn’t feel well.

“Honey, are you sure you want to go on this trip?”

“I think now more than ever is the right time to get away from this town.” Especially if Ben was going to start causing trouble again. “I need this, mom.” She rubbed her eyes.

Pam nodded silently.

“Alright.” She brushed Emily’s cheek with her fingertips, wincing when she saw the bags under her daughter’s eyes. “Get some sleep.”

Sleep was a concept that had been eluding her for weeks, and everything she had weighing on her mind was not helping.

That night she had a nightmare about Ben getting out. She dreamed that he’d come after her. She heard the sounds of gunshots as she ran through the darkness. Then she’d heard the cries of the people she loved falling by his hand. She heard Maya telling her to run. She felt Alison grab her protectively and tell her she would never let him hurt her. Then she heard the tiny voice of a child. Lily was crying and begging the bad man not to hurt her. It sent a course of adrenaline through Emily. Her pulse spiked. She heard a loud bang and then saw a flash.

She could see bits and pieces of a past memory. Holding Lily in her lap, bouncing her on her knee. She’d been crying, but the second Emily started moving and singing to her she’d settled. Emily’s voice was a comfort to her. The little girl’s eyes were still glistening with tears. Her cheeks were red and streaked with wetness, but now she had a serene look on her face. She looked at Emily, an innocent expression in her eyes. She reached out for Emily’s hand, taking her finger and grasping it firmly. She stared at her, her large brown eyes watery, and she smiled.

Emily leaned over and kissed her soft fine hair. She inhaled the scent of her baby shampoo. She smelled fresh...sweet and sugary. Emily glanced up, looking around the dull bluish gray room, which from the looks of it had once been a powdery baby blue, but had faded over the years. Lily shifted in her lap, grasping for her shirt, wanting to be picked up. Emily obliged, pulling her closer, letting the infant rest her cheek against her shoulder. Lily sucked her fingers and cooed. Emily rubbed her back in between her shoulder blades and whispered soothingly to her. She almost had her asleep, but a loud noise outside startled them. The sounds of sirens. Then a loud crash and several footsteps.

_“We’re losing her…”_

_“That’s not a fucking option!”_

Another loud noise. The room went black. All Emily could hear was the cries of a baby.

The noise jolted Emily out of her dream. She felt like she was burning up. She kicked the covers off of her and sat up, taking deep breaths, just like Dr. Sullivan had taught her to do. It didn’t help. It never helped.

She fell back against the bed, her face wet with sweat. She felt sick to her stomach. Her body was tight and tense and achy from her nightmare. She clutched the sheets the same way that Lily had clutched her shirt in her dream. She felt the bed move and seconds later Ace was next to her. He gently laid beside her. She moved closer to him, burying her face in his fur. She felt her heart rate settling, but her muscles were still aching.

She woke up early the next morning with a migraine to end all migraines. There was an intense pressure behind her eyes and a pain shooting down her neck. She felt like her brains were being squeezed out of her ears. She trudged out of bed and took something for the pain. She hadn’t slept well, but she figured she could just sleep on the flight to Florida. Maybe by the time the ship left the dock in Miami the headache would be a distant memory.

“Em?” A soft voice cascaded down the hallway.

Of course her mother was already up at o’dark-o-clock.

“Morning.” Emily yawned sleepily.

“I made breakfast.”

Had she gotten up at 2 AM or something? Though Emily’s stomach was gurgling, her pounding head was making her nauseous. She was so anxious that she could barely function.

“I’m not hungry.”

“It’s not an option. Kitchen. Five minutes.”

She heard her mother walking away. She changed out of her pajamas, though she really just wanted to go to the airport decked out in sleepwear, because at least she’d be comfortable. She walked into the kitchen. The smell of grease and eggs made her stomach do flips. She fought back a gag. But she sat down at the table with her mother.

She ate her toast and also managed to choke down some scrambled eggs. She left the bacon untouched, which her father would have called a sin. She had just finished eating when she heard the knock at the door. Pam went to go grab Emily’s things for her while Emily answered the door.

Alison barely let her finish opening the door before she let out an excited squeal, a squeal that she hated herself for, because it was _so girly_. But she didn’t care, because she couldn’t wait to get away from Rosewood and have some time in the tropics with her girlfriend. She almost bowled Emily over like a child as she gave her a kiss on the lips. It brightened Emily’s mood significantly. Hanna walked in behind her and shut the door.

“Good morning to you, too.” Emily laughed.

“Jamaica here we come!” She flipped her hair, feeling particularly fabulous, despite the early hour.

Emily smiled hearing the excitement in Alison’s voice. She was so upbeat and happy that all Emily could feel was her happiness, which in turn made her happy.

“It is way too early in the morning for you to be this perky.” Hanna grumbled. “I don’t like it.”

“Oh, don’t be such a crab just because Caleb isn’t coming.” Alison scowled at her. She _dared_ her to ruin the joy she felt.

“Who skips the tropics for a college interview?” Hanna muttered. “Like getting into college is hard? All you have to do is graduate high school and have enough money to pay tuition or be smart enough to get a scholarship.”

“And which are you, exactly? How were _your_ SAT scores?” Alison questioned.

Hanna shot her a glare that clearly said ‘fuck you’ and then continued complaining. Alison cut her off, reminding her that they were lucky they got to go and that they shouldn’t dwell on who _wasn’t_ going.

“You don’t see Ace complaining.” Alison motioned to the dog sitting by the couch.

He could always sense when Emily was going on a trip without him. He usually moped. Alison had actually tried to convince Emily to bring him along because she thought it might make her feel more secure…and she was a little worried she might sleepwalk off of the ship or something and that somehow bringing him along would keep that from happening. But Emily didn’t see the need to go through all the red tape just for a few days. There was a lot that went into traveling with Ace, and sometimes it was easier to give him a few days off instead.

“Are you seriously equating my boyfriend to a dog?” Hanna looked at Ace and immediately addressed him. “No offense, Ace.”

He didn’t look bothered one way or the other.

“Insatiable appetite, territorial, long hair, sheds a lot…” Alison shrugged.

“Would you two knock it off? We have a very long trip ahead of us and I won’t have you sniping at each other the whole time.” Emily interjected, her voice teetering between authoritative and playfulness.

It was just enough to get the two screeching cats to stop yowling at one another. Alison smirked at her. She liked when Emily took control of the room. Emily felt her squeeze her bicep, her touch very much a _“that was hot, babe”_ vibe.

“Is your car unlocked, Hanna?” Pam questioned as she walked into the living room with two bags.

“Yes, ma’am. I can grab those if…”

“I got it.” Pam chuckled. “I may be old, but I’m not quite feeble yet.”

“Are you kidding? You’re in better shape than everyone in this room.” Emily laughed.

Pam lovingly ran her fingers through her daughter’s hair before she went to load Hanna’s car.

“It was nice of her to offer to go with us to the airport so we don’t have to pay to park.” Alison nodded.

“Nice had nothing to do with it. She’s been all over my ass lately. It’s just another way for her to hover.” Emily smiled.

Hanna shot her a knowing look, but Alison didn’t catch it, because she was too busy staring at her girlfriend. She looked so sexy with bedhead.

“You’re lucky you have parents who hover. Mine are so far out they’re in space,” Alison said. She glanced down the hallway. “I need to use the restroom before we head to the airport. I’ve been doing espresso shots all morning.”

“Describes the perkiness.” Emily nodded.

“What? I can’t just be happy to see my girl?” Alison grabbed her hand.

“Not at five thirty in the morning.” Emily smiled back at her before leaning in for a kiss.

Alison disappeared down the hallway towards the bathroom.

“You two really are cute together.” Hanna couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve never seen her so _affectionate_.” She almost shuddered at the word. “It’s really weird.”

The Alison that she knew was calculated and cold. But with Emily she was so different.

“It’s like she’s been replaced by her non-evil twin.”

“An evil twin, Hanna?” Emily scoffed. “You and your imagination.” She shook her head with a half-hearted laugh.

“Oh, maybe she’s the nice one.” Hanna drew in an overly dramatic shocked gasp. “What if there is another one out there just like her, but _worse_?”

“You watch way too much daytime TV.” Emily shook her aching head, wincing at the movement. “And don’t talk about my girlfriend like that.”

“You feeling okay?” Hanna asked, her forehead pinched in thought.

“Fine.” Emily bit through her teeth, warning Hanna not to draw attention to her odd behavior.

“Mmhmm.” Hanna didn’t buy it. She reached up and put her hand against the armband of Emily’s sunglasses. “You plan on hiding behind these glasses the entire trip?”

She gently pulled the glasses off her face. She was not surprised to find sunken dark circles under her eyes.

“Hey, personal space much?” Emily grasped her glasses and fumbled to put them back on.

“Please, like we’ve ever had personal space?” Hanna scoffed. “How long has it been since you actually slept?”

“I’m trying to beat my personal record of nights gone without it, thank you very much.” Emily quipped back.

“How long, Emily?” Hanna asked with a serious inflection in her tone. She was in no mood for banter.

“Just a couple of weeks. Since I got back. But it’s no big deal…”

“Nightmares?”

“No. Not really. No worse than usual.”

“Then what the hell is up with you? Did something more happen in Baltimore that you’re not telling me about?” Hanna scrutinized her.

This whole situation seemed really familiar to Hanna. It had been almost four years since Hanna had seen Emily like this. But Emily had been very hush-hush about her visit to Maya’s brother. And Hanna knew a thing or two about what happened when the two of them were together.

“No. It’s not…it’s just…the stress of everything, of going back…being there. It was hard, and I’ve just been a little off-balance for a few weeks. Nothing to freak out about. I’m trying to regulate a sleep pattern again. But it’s not a big deal. I mean, half the kids in our class exist solely on exhaust fumes and caffeine.”

“Yeah, but half the kids in our class don’t have _your_ history,” Hanna said. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Hanna glared at her, not saying a word. She knew that Emily could feel the ‘don’t bullshit me’ anger radiating from her. Emily rubbed her temples. She forced a smile on her face that she knew wasn’t fooling Hanna, but she did it anyway.

“I’m looking forward to it.” Emily assured her. “This is just what I need, Han. Me and Alison. It’ll just…it’ll help me get my head on straight…figure things out.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Hanna muttered.

“Please don’t be weird about this.” Emily begged.

“I just want to make sure you’re not heading for a crash.” She glanced at her friend. “Have you heard from him?”

“Keep it down.” She hissed in a warning tone. “No. Not since the last thirty times you asked. Nothing has changed.”

“ _Everything_ has changed. Why else would your mom be hovering? Did you tell her _everything_ about the trip?”

“For the most part.” Emily indulged her.

“And she’s still letting you go?”

“She couldn’t exactly say no. Alison already paid for it and it’s nonrefundable. Plus she knows my whole plan kind of depends on it.”

Seconds before Hanna could reply Pam walked through the front door.

“Come on girls. We need to get a move on. Let’s hustle.”

“It’s a cruise, Mom. Not a meeting on the base.” Emily gave her a hard time.

“Which you will not get to go on if you don’t get through security in time for your flight.” Pam pointed out.

“We’re just waiting on Alison,” Emily said.

“Hanna, keys? I’ll go ahead and start the car.”

Hanna handed Emily’s mom her car keys and then she was out the door.

“She is _wound up_ this morning.” Hanna noticed. She paused and thought about something. “You ever realize how similar Alison and your mom are in the morning?”

“Shut up, Hanna.”

They heard the bathroom door open and a few minutes later Alison came back into the living room.

“We ready?” Alison asked, walking up next to Emily.

Hanna glanced at the blonde. She had touched up her make-up. They were getting on a red-eye. Emily couldn’t see her. Who exactly was she touched up for? She didn’t understand Alison sometimes.

“Let’s roll.” Emily nodded.

“Did you already eat or do we need to stop to get something on the way?” Alison questioned.

“Like my mom would let me leave this house without feeding me?”

“Right.” Alison walked out the front door. “Great minds think alike.”

Emily could practically _hear_ Hanna grinning.

“Shut _up_ , Hanna.” Emily warned quietly.

Hanna snickered. Luckily, Alison’s caffeine high had shorted out by the time they were boarding the plane, so she was so wiped that she couldn’t tell that Emily still had the remnants of her headache, which the cabin pressure of the plane did not help.

Emily hoped that by the time they landed things would start to look up for her. She really needed this cruise to go well, not just for her, but for Alison. Alison deserved to be happy.

Unfortunately, as always, life had other plans for her. She spent the first night on the cruise seasick and puking until she had nothing left inside her stomach, despite having taken medications that were supposed to help with the motion sickness. Her anxiety did nothing to help.

Alison, who had pulled several strings to make sure they were bunking together, refused to leave her side, even though Emily told her not to waste the cruise. She wanted Alison to enjoy the sights and the activities.

Instead, Alison spent her time looking for the best ginger ale and finest crackers she could find. She put on some meditation music and sat with Emily in their room that first day, completely disregarding the fact that she was missing fun in the sun. She’d come on the cruise not only to work on her tan, but to spend time with her girlfriend, even if that came in the form of playing a dutiful nurse.

Emily had felt like crap the second day, because she’d spent the first night curled in various positions on the bathroom floor. Her migraine from the day before had worsened from her dehydration, but she forced herself to go to the pool, because she knew Alison wouldn’t go out unless she did.

She spent about an hour floating around in the water, but the heat of the sunlight and all the loud noises just made her feel worse. She heard Alison laughing and having a great time and it eased some of her tension.

Alison was so happy. Emily didn’t want to ruin that, so instead of telling her the truth about how she was feeling she swam over to where Alison had just dived in and put her arms around her shoulders, smiling through her pain. She tried not to clench her teeth.

“Hey, I’m going to go explore the lower deck a little bit.”

Alison had a cheeky response about how she wanted to explore _her_ lower deck, but she didn’t get the chance to say anything. Before she could voice her concerns about her going alone or volunteer to go with her Emily kissed her forehead and quickly added,

“Don’t worry. There are railings and I know how to find my way around. I won’t be gone long. I just need some air.”

Emily’s voice seemed different somehow. Alison’s forehead wrinkled as she tried to put her finger on it. But then she felt Emily’s fingers graze her side and she forgot all of her senses, a move purposely calculated by Emily because she knew that Alison was a sucker for her touch. All she had to do was say the right words, look at her the right way, put her hand in the right place…and Alison was putty in her hands.

“Okay, but don’t pull a Kate Winslet _Titanic_ move on me and fall in love with a ruffian.” Alison leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Emily’s.

“Not possible.” Emily laughed. “ _I’m_ the ruffian.”

Alison grinned picturing Emily in a messy blouse and suspenders and wearing a cute little black beret to top it off.

“You’re _something_ , alright.” Alison snorted. “If you find any abandoned cars below deck that need heating up, let me know.”

“You want me to draw you like one of my French girls?” Emily threw a quote from the movie at her.

“You better not have any hot French girls on the side, or I swear to God…”

“I’ll never let go…” Emily playfully pulled her hand away and backed towards the ladder.

“Hey!” Alison shouted after her. “That’s my line!”

Alison watched as she felt her way towards the pool ladder and climb out of the water. Spencer, who was sitting next to the pool chatting with Toby reached for Emily’s cane as Toby helped her out. He noticed that her grip wasn’t very tight, which was odd her for.

“You good?” Toby questioned, handing her a towel and her cover shirt.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, feeling against the edge of the chair for her bag with her sunglasses. “Just need a little break from the sun.”

“Em…” He said under his breath.

She shook her head, cutting him off. She put her sunglasses on and dropped her arms to her sides, trying to hide her trembling hands. Spencer noticed.

“Are you staying hydrated?” Spencer asked.

She sounded like such a mom. Alison had texted her almost all night worried about Emily’s seasickness. Spencer had been telling her what she needed to do to help her.

“I’m not the one who conned several daiquiris out of the cruise line last night with a fake ID and forgot to drink water or eat anything.”

“Narc.” Hanna grumbled from a built in step near the edge of the pool.

“How’s the hangover?” Aria questioned. She’d been buddied up to Hanna since they’d gotten on the plane.

The two of them had promised to band together as the ‘our-boyfriends-couldn’t-come’ clan, which meant they spent most of their time complaining to one another about their absent partners.

“Brutal.” Hanna leaned her elbows back against the edge of the pool.

Emily sat down against the edge of her chair and pulled her shirt on over her head, then slipped her flip-flops on.

After she left the pool she went straight back to her room to take some pain killers and put an icepack on her face. Her plan was to just take a little bit of time to let the meds kick in and rest before rejoining her friends.

Half an hour later Alison showed up with more pain killers and a bland meal. She’d seen Emily’s tremoring hands and the look on her face at the pool and she knew she’d been lying through her teeth.

“You’re a bad liar, Emily,” Alison said as she quietly shut the door behind her, trying to keep the noise to a minimum.

Emily snorted, trying not to laugh at the irony. The laughter made her head throb and her stomach flip. She hadn’t had a lasting migraine this bad in years. She’d forgotten how much they sucked. Stress didn’t help. She also wasn’t used to her sea-legs. The bad combination made her feel like crawling into a hole and dying.

Alison walked to the end table next to her bed and put the tray of food down. When she got closer to her she saw she was still in her bathing suit and her clothes were soaked. She could see her trembling. She touched Emily’s arm. It felt like ice. She looked down and saw that her fingernails were blue. The icepack and air conditioning probably weren’t helping, though to Emily the cool air felt good. It was helping her head.

“Jesus, Em, you’re freezing. You need to get out of these wet clothes.” Alison put her warm hand on top of Emily’s cold one.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Emily smiled.

Alison’s lips curved into a smirk.

 _Damn her._ She was too fucking cute sometimes.

“No, I’m serious.” _Though if you really want to warm up I have a few ideas…_ “You’re going to get hypothermia sitting in here like this. We are _not_ re-enacting _that_ part of _Titanic_. Come on.” Alison gently grabbed Emily’s hands and pulled her until she was sitting up.

“There’s a pair of sweats in my bag.” Emily stood up, a little uneasy on her feet. “Would you mind grabbing them for me?”

Alison got her a change of clothes while Emily made her way towards the bathroom. She made it through getting changed without hurling, which was a win for her. When she climbed back into bed Alison sat down next to her.

“I brought you a banana, some applesauce, and some rice. Spencer says they’re all good for a sensitive stomach.”

Emily groaned at the mention of it.

“I don’t think I can eat right now.”

“You need to eat something. Your blood sugar has probably totally bottomed out. It’s probably why you feel like shit.”

“Who said I felt like shit?” Emily questioned with a smile. “It’s more like…gurgling in my stomach, so a step backwards from shit. Not quite shit. _Almost_ shit.”

“Oh, jokes? You’re making jokes?” But Alison wasn’t surprised. It’s one of the reasons she loved her so much.

“See? I’m still functioning just fine.”

“Well, let’s feed that brain, shall we?” Alison pulled the lid off of the applesauce.

Emily could smell a sweet mixture blended with a tangy smell. She sighed. She didn’t have the energy to argue. She felt Alison carefully moving against the mattress to get the food she’d put down next to the bed. She reached out to take the cup of pureed apples. She ate to appease her, but it turned out she was right. Emily did start to feel a little better after getting some nutrients.

By the third day when they had docked at the resort her stomach had settled and her head was better. She finally felt well enough to go explore the ship and the island with Alison. Emily suggested they go zip-lining, but Alison wanted her to take it easy so they went parasailing instead. Emily felt like they were floating in the air. The breeze was like nothing else she’d ever felt. And when the drivers lowered the two of them to dip their feet into the water she could feel the ocean breeze against her face. She could taste the salt in the air.

Afterwards they took in an afternoon at the spa. Emily was tense during her massage, because she still had a thing about being touched, especially by people she didn’t know. But the massage helped work some of the tightness out of her muscles. They got facials and then seaweed wraps. They left the spa feeling really good.

They moseyed all around the beach, Alison talking to her about everything she saw. She described the sand, the water, and the lush green trees. They took a dip in the ocean and ended up swimming with dolphins. It hadn’t been part of the cruise. The animals just happened to find them.

Emily was drifting on a pool noodle, lazily going along with the current. Alison wasn’t far behind her. Emily heard Alison shriek and she spun towards the noise.

“What’s wrong?”

“Something brushed my leg!” She freaked out, sure it was sharks getting ready to shred her to pieces.

Emily reached underwater just as something swam by and she smiled. She recognized the texture of the sea mammal. She’d been swimming with dolphins before. Seconds later a trio of dolphins popped up. One was within inches of Emily’s face. It made a squeaking noise and opened its mouth like it was smiling at her. Another one curiously floated along beside her. Emily reached out and her fingers grazed the rubbery texture of its skin. The third dolphin came up to her hand and nudged it.

Alison took in the sight of her mermaid communing with the animals. It was something she’d never forget. The animals were drawn to her. Alison knew exactly how they felt...being caught in her orbit. Any other person would have been jealous of Emily, being within such close proximity to such amazing creatures. But not Alison. She was jealous of the dolphins, because they were nosing up and nudging, _touching_ , the most perfect human in existence. And Emily was so gentle with them.

“Ali, come here,” Emily said.

Alison slowly swam towards them, thinking the animals would scatter when she got near, but they stayed close. Emily took Alison’s hand and guided her towards the side of the friendly animal’s head right above the snout. Alison was surprised by how soft they were.

“Wow.” Alison’s eyes lit up.

She watched as the dolphin pushed up out of the water, its long bottlenose close to Emily’s face. She slowly reached out and touched the tip of the snout. The dolphin prompted her to rub more, so she did.

After a few minutes they swam off, one lingering, occasionally coming back to playfully nudge Emily. It was the youngest of the trio, probably a baby. It flittered off after mommy and daddy. Alison reached around Emily’s shoulder, pulling her in to kiss her temple.

“That was so cool. How did you know they were dolphins?”

“I could feel it in their moods and the way they were swimming. Also, none of them tried to rip off any of my limbs.”

“Solid scientific method,” Alison replied sarcastically, “and what would you have done had it been an angry family of JAWS?”

“I knew it wasn’t. There was no eerie music.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“So I’ve been told.”

After swimming for a while they went back to the ship, settling in for dinner and a comedy show before walking the decks again that night, listening to the sounds around them. Alison always enjoyed walking in silence with Emily because she could see so much better when she allowed her other senses to take control. She saw things she never saw before she met Emily.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” Alison pushed her arm against Emily’s, intertwining them.

Emily took in a relaxing breath through her nose and smiled.

“Thank you so much for this, Alison.” She closed her eyes, feeling a mist of water against her face.

“Hey, you’re the one who introduced me to _Flipper_ and family.”

They stopped at the edge of a railing to listen to the sounds of the ocean below them. Emily reached out and wrapped her arm around Alison and pulled her against her body, Alison automatically following her motions. Alison looked at her girl. Emily always seemed so serene and at peace. She had no idea there was a turbulent storm swirling beneath the surface.

The next morning Emily woke up feeling nauseated again, though she only threw up once. She took some anti-nausea meds and something for motion sickness and then ordered breakfast for the two of them. After she’d eaten a little bit she started feeling better.

They met the girls and Toby out at the pool. Toby and Spencer were playing chicken with a couple of other kids from school. Hanna and Aria were lounging in a built in hot tub near the far end of the pool. Alison waved and they waved back. She pulled her shorts off. She hadn’t bothered to wear a shirt over her suit. She knew she had something sexy and she loved to flaunt it.

“I’m going to grab us some drinks.” Alison put her things down next to two empty chairs. “You want ginger ale or water?”

“Either is fine.”

“Both it is.” Alison shrugged as she smiled and walked off.

She walked across the deck to the little cabana that was set up with food and drinks. Regular drinks and some of the breakfast items were part of the package for their trip. After she put in their order she turned back to look at Emily. She’d peeled her shorts and tank top off, leaving her in a blood red bikini that showed off her curves. Her hair glistened in the sun as she moved around the chair. She laid a towel against it. Alison watched her with a smile on her face. The morning sun was hitting her just right.

 _How did I get so lucky?_ Alison smiled to herself. Beautiful, kind, and funny.

By the time Alison got their order Emily had settled into the beach chair. She looked so hot lazily propped up, her face angled towards the sky, the light reflecting off of her sunglasses. It reminded Alison of the day she’d first met her at the park. The brunette breathed in every moment, and Alison adored that about her.

“Hey, I got you some scrambled eggs and toast.” Alison put the to-go cartons down at the tip of her chair as she juggled the drinks in the carton.

Emily had only had half a banana after she got seasick that morning. So far she’d kept it down.

“Thanks.” Emily smiled, sitting up. “I’m going to give it a little more time, but I’ll eat it in a little bit.” She reached for her drink, which Alison put in her hand.

Emily took a few sips of the water and then put it down against the ground. She reached into her bag, searching for her sunscreen. Alison watched as she popped the bottle open and squeezed a generous amount into her hands. She smeared it into her arms and legs and then rubbed it in.

“Want me to get your back for you?” Emily offered.

Alison didn’t have to be asked twice. She nearly tripped over her feet so she could squeeze on to Emily’s lounge chair with her. Seconds later she felt Emily’s fingers pressing against her shoulders and gliding down her back. She carefully moved Alison’s hair aside as she rubbed the liquid into Alison’s skin. Emily loved the feel of Alison’s warm body underneath her palms. She couldn’t help herself as she leaned forward and pressed an innocent kiss against her shoulder. She smelled like coconuts and bananas. She kept her face close to Alison’s neck and Alison reached up with a smile, touching her cheek.

“Your turn, sweetie.” Alison brushed her fingers against her delicate face.

They switched positions and Alison started to rub the sunscreen against Emily’s body. She made sure her back was covered and then she splayed her fingers out against her side and across the front of her stomach. She pulled Emily back against her for a hug.

“You are so gorgeous.” Alison kissed the tip of her ear, knowing it would make Emily laugh because it was one of her sensitive spots.

“Bet you say that to all the girls you’re in love with.” Emily teased.

“Just the crazy ones who get me hot.” Alison laughed. “I’ve always had this thing about you in a bathing suit.” She thought about the time she’d stumbled upon Emily in the locker room during her first month at school.

“Oh, yeah? Do tell.”

“No. You’ll think I’m weird.”

“Alison…” Emily turned to face her, her sunglasses showing Alison’s reflection to her. For a second Alison thought she was going to kiss her. Instead, she grinned, “I already know you’re weird.”

“Shut up.” Alison shoved her playfully. She bit her bottom lip, still grinning. “It’s just…you look so sexy in a bathing suit.”

“Hmm, so I’m not sexy when I’m _not_ wearing one?” Emily egged her on.

“Quit being a smart-ass.” Alison warned.

“Or what? You going to punish me?”

“Maybe I will.” Alison ran her fingernail along Emily’s spine, stopping right above her ass.

After a few seconds they both snorted out in laughter. Alison leaned forward, putting her chin against Emily’s shoulder.

“The first time we met was when you were wearing a bathing suit.” Alison reminded her. “At the pool when we were kids.” She smiled at the memory. “I remember thinking that you were a mermaid even then.” She sighed. “I thought about you a lot, Emily. I didn’t even know your name and you were on my mind constantly. No one who came along after you could ever compare to what I felt back then.”

“You knew when you were five?” Emily asked in surprise.

“I knew the moment I met you.”

She’d had fantasies about finding her mermaid again one day. She’d even told Jason that she wanted to marry her after they got home from the pool that day. They’d been out on their swing set and Jason was pumping his legs to try and go as high as he could. Alison had been sitting on top of the slide with a dreamy look on her face. When he’d asked her if she was scared of sliding down she’d replied,

_“No! I’m just thinkin…”_

_“About what?”_

_“I met a mermaid today. She was really pretty and I liked her a lot. We’re going to get married one day.”_

_“Cool. Can I be your best man?”_

_“As long as you don’t burp on our wedding cake.”_

Jason had responded with a gnarly gross _boy_ -burp and a snarky grin. She’d started her wedding planning that day, with her first decision being that Jason and his nasty germs and smelly armpits would not be allowed anywhere near her wedding cake.

Alison smiled thinking about how far back her love for this girl went. She hadn’t really known she’d meant it at the time. But here they were, thirteen years later. And being with Emily was everything she’d ever dreamed of.

“Ali, where’d you go?” Emily questioned. She knew when Alison lost herself in her mind.

“Nowhere.” Alison hugged her, pulling Emily’s back closer to her front, their body heat scorching underneath the sun.

She inhaled Emily’s aroma and sighed softly. She reached up and played with the string of her bikini strap. She placed a delicate kiss against the side of her neck. Emily smiled. She was getting ready to turn her neck to meet Alison’s lips, but she felt a spray of water and then heard a mischievous giggle.

“Gotcha!” A childish voice called out.

Alison glanced over Emily’s shoulder at the little boy. He was probably around four or five. The same age Alison and Emily had been when they’d first met. He had shaggy dark brown hair. He was wearing a crooked smile on his face. He was aiming a water pistol at the two of them from the side of the pool, water splashing around him as he kicked his feet until he was up against the wall next to their chairs.

“Luke!” A woman paddled up behind the mussy-haired little boy. “So sorry.” She grabbed the water gun from him. “It’s my nephew’s first cruise. And he’s still learning how to not behave like a little monkey in public.” She poked him with a laugh and he erupted in giggles. “Luke, say you’re sorry to the nice girls.”

“Sorry,” he said quickly, but excitedly. “I shoulda asked you first. Wanna play army women with me? My mommy is playing it in real life. She’s all the way across the world saving people and stopping bad guys.” He pulled himself up by his arms and kicked his feet behind him, sending several splashes of water into his aunt’s face.

“Oh yeah?” Emily moved closer to the edge of her seat, her feet slipping along the rubbery flooring next to the pool.

She moved cautiously until she was down on his level, dipping her legs into the water next to him. She straightened her legs out, locking her knees and Luke instinctively grabbed on to them and held them like they were balancing bars at the park. Emily lifted her legs up, lifting him partially out of the water. She moved her legs up and down, sending him on a little mini water ride.

He laughed.

“You’re fun.” He grinned up at her. “I like you. You remind me of my mommy.”

Alison watched her curiously. Emily never met a stranger. And it really warmed her heart to see her soft spot for kids.

“Yeah?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded enthusiastically. But his enthusiasm slowly started to waver and he sighed. “I miss her sometimes. And sometimes I get worried because I don’t get to talk to her all the time like I did when she was home. And sometimes I wonder if she misses me and worries about me, too.”

“You want to know a secret?” Emily asked.

“Yeah!” He exclaimed.

“You have to swear you won’t tell anyone.”

“I promise!”

“My dad is out there doing the same thing as your mom.” Emily told him with a proud smile.

“Do you miss him, too?” Luke asked.

“Every day.” Emily nodded. “But it’s okay, because you know what? I bet they’re friends. And I bet they keep each other company and talk about us all the time. And they are stronger together.”

“Really?” His eyes sparkled in delight. He glanced at Alison, like he was waiting for her confirmation.

She just nodded silently, moving down next to Emily and dipping her legs into the water, her thigh brushing against Emily’s. Emily moved her hand over until she found Alison’s knuckles. She put her palm on top of her hand and smiled.

“That’s so cool!” Luke was impressed.

Seconds later he was distracted by something and he swam away, but not before turning around and waving and loudly shouting goodbye to his new friends. His aunt laughed.

“He’s always on the move.” She followed him.

“Aren’t they all at that age?” Emily chuckled.

“Thank you for that.” The woman smiled at her. Then she quickly went after her nephew before he could splash another unsuspecting person.

Alison leaned against Emily and flipped her hand over, their wet warm palms meeting as their fingers curled together.

“You were really good with him.” Alison glanced at her. It didn’t surprise her at all. “You must have really liked babysitting.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, though there was a strange inflection in her tone. “I’ve always liked kids.” She smiled timidly. “There is something so innocent about seeing the world through their eyes.” She paused. “What about you? What do you think about them?”

“Well, once you get past the sticky hands and the snotty noses I guess they’re okay.” Alison shrugged indifferently. “I don’t really have much experience with them though. The last time I was around them was when my tenth grade English class did this reading program for preschoolers. I only went one time. One of the kids puked on me while I was reading _Hop on Pop_ and it kind of soured me on the whole thing. I haven’t been able to read Dr. Seuss since.”

“I can understand that.” Emily chuckled. “At least I’ve managed to get most of my vomit into the toilet bowl.”

“Speaking of, how are you feeling?”

“My stomach has settled. I think I’m going to take a dip over by the falls and then brave the toast and eggs. Want to join me?”

_No fucking duh._

“Don’t ask stupid questions, Emily.” Alison teased.

They slipped into the pool and swam around for a few minutes before they drifted towards an open waterfall that mimicked a real cove in nature. Emily moved them back until her back was against the barrier on the side of the falls. She used her feet to guide her, tapping her toes against the bottom. There was a small crevice with just enough room for two people. Emily moved against the side of the barrier until she could feel the water splashing next to her face, pulling Alison along with her. She maneuvered them around the small waterfall with the open cove until they were completely behind it, sheltered from the rest of the pool.

“Did you know this was back here?” Emily asked.

“No.” Alison looked around at the intimate setting. “How did you?”

“Hanna told me.”

Alison made a mental note to thank Hanna later. They were secluded from everyone else in the small cove. Alison moved Emily until her back was against another rubber barrier that doubled as a gray rock wall. Emily surprised her by moving her around until she was the one trapped against the edge.

Emily put her hands up against the siding, her strong arms on either side of Alison, trapping her in place. She grinned at her, but didn’t say a word. Alison wrapped her weightless legs around Emily and put her arms over her shoulders. Their bodies moved together in the water, Emily curving against Alison’s motions. Alison pushed her lips against Emily’s. Emily pushed back. The soft pressure of her lips was enough to make Alison shudder. She sighed happily against Emily’s mouth. She tasted like cocoa and mint.

“You brushed your teeth.” Alison grinned against her mouth, letting her legs drop slightly, but they were weightless in the water and they curved around Emily’s calves effortlessly.

“Numerous times.” Emily laughed. She moved one of her hands down to the front of Alison’s bare stomach in the water.

Alison felt herself twitch between her thighs.

“I had a fantasy like this once.” Alison admitted, running her fingers through Emily’s hair.

“Yeah?” Emily whispered against her neck. “Tell me about it.”

“It was right before Spring Cove.” She kissed Emily’s jaw near her right ear. “I was trying to work up the courage to talk to you, tell you how I felt…”

Emily listened with a smile as Alison placed gentle kisses against her neck, her cheek, her lips. The more they moved together the more she could feel the motion of the ship, even though the large boat didn’t get much motion from the waves way down below them.

“I saw you in the locker room after one of your swim lessons.” She quickly realized how weird and stalkery that felt, “I mean, I didn’t like…spy on you or anything. I was coming from field hockey practice to shower. You were changing. I…I didn’t watch.”

Emily just continued to smile at her. She adored it when Alison turned into a stuttering nerd.

“Maybe you should have.” Emily bit her lip seductively. “Maybe I could have given you a good show.”

“It didn’t feel right.” Alison pressed her lips together in a smirk. This girl did all sorts of things to her. She felt the water getting warmer around her thighs. “I turned away, but that didn’t stop my imagination.”

She touched Emily’s hip. Her fingers gently dug into the sensitive skin there. She felt a ripple wash over them as Emily shivered in delight. Emily dropped one of her arms and placed her hand on Alison’s neck. Their eyes were level with one another.

“Tell me more.” Emily implored her.

“It was you and me…just like this.” Her fingers created gentle waves between them as she moved down to place her palm against Emily’s breast.

Her bikini top felt like satin in the water, but she could feel the small weaves of cross-stitching on the elastic fabric.

“I touched you…” She moved closer, her lips hovering over Emily’s, “…tasted you…” She teasingly kissed her before pulling away.

Emily followed her motions, captivated by her touch.

“I made you feel _really_ good.” Alison moved one of her hands around the back of Emily’s thigh and slid two of her fingers between her legs. “And then you held me down…” She dipped down to kiss Emily’s bicep, “…with your big strong arms…” She moved up and kissed her lips. “…and you made me feel like I was floating.”

“What if we made that fantasy a reality?” Emily moved her palm down against the front of Alison’s bikini bottom.

Alison’s heart rate spiked.

“Do you want me to?” Emily stopped before she got to the fabric between her legs.

“God yes.” She sputtered it out before Emily had even finished asking the question.

Her response made Emily smirk. Emily cupped her cheek and their lips met, first gently, then exceedingly more harsh. Their lips parted, their tongues clashed. Emily pressed her chest against Alison’s as she meticulously moved her fingertips against Alison’s center through her bathing suit.

It didn’t take Alison long to get worked up. She started huffing into Emily’s mouth and clinging to the back of her neck. Emily stopped long enough to hold pressure against her aching bud and then she rolled her fingers in circles. Alison dug her teeth into Emily’s shoulder, biting at her skin softly. She moved, her back arching against the side of the faux wall.

Alison pulled back, gasping in a breath of air, Emily’s name slipping through her lips. She tightened her fingers in Emily’s wet tangled hair and tugged on it softly. Alison dug her feet into the bottom of the pool, certain that if they were out of the water she would have collapsed on to the floor. How was it possible to feel this good without having sex? Was it the public part of it? Was it because they were in the water?

She’d only ever done something like this once before and it hadn’t gotten this far. Cece had ruined it for her when she told her that having any kind of orgasm in the water was an open invite for bacterial infections. But that probably wasn’t true. That’s what chlorine was for. And even if it was true, fuck it…because it was glorious. Her body was trembling, her thighs were clenched together. She felt Emily gently peck her lips.

She opened her eyes.

She hadn’t even realized she’d _closed_ them. Emily had taken her out of herself.

“You okay?” Emily gave her another gentle kiss.

Alison smiled, her hands slipping down against Emily’s back.

“My turn.” She dragged her index finger along Emily’s exposed spine.

She saw Emily’s elbow buckle next to her and she took the opportunity to move out from the little trap Emily had her in. She moved around her in the water, forcing Emily to turn around, their bodies doing a weightless dance, their feet grazing the bottom of the pool. Alison backed her against the wall, her hands moving under the current to grasp her hips.

Alison moved down to kiss the small bite mark she’d left on her shoulder. She soothed it with her tongue as her fingers traced the tattoo over her scarred collar bone.

“You’re beautiful,” Alison murmured against her skin. “Mmm, my mermaid.”

Emily slid her hand underneath the back of Alison’s bikini bottom, firmly gripping her ass. It felt more buoyant in the water. Alison moved the hand in between them lower, stopping when she got to Emily’s bikini bottom.

She waited for Emily to prompt her. Emily nodded through their kiss to let her know she was fine. Alison slipped her fingers over the front of her bottoms and then started drawing gentle circles between her thighs.

Emily moved against her motions, her subtle thrusts creating gentle waves around them. Like Alison, it didn’t take her long to reach her high. The friction of Alison’s fingers pressing the texture of her bathing suit against her overstimulated her to the point where she thought she was going to scream in ecstasy. Instead, she pushed her mouth hard against Alison’s. She felt something warm wash over her, a tingling tightness releasing. Her heart felt like it had seized in her chest. Her mouth fell open.

“Let go.” Alison whispered against her ear.

Alison’s words sent her over the edge. Alison watched the expression on her face, taking note of every wrinkle and curve. She never got enough of seeing Emily in bliss. Over the past several weeks they’d done a lot of touching like this and it felt new and beautiful every time. And Alison always had to fight her inner desire to just plunge into her and feel every inch of her. But she was waiting for the right time.

Alison watched as Emily’s heaving chest slowed back into its normal rhythm. She waited for her to say something. Emily was too dizzy to respond. Her body felt out of her control. She could feel the motion of the ship. She could feel _everything_. Alison noticed the strange look on her face.

“Emily?” Alison touched her cheek.

“Hmm?” Emily felt like the world was spinning too fast.

“Are you okay? Was it…did we go too far?”

“No.” Emily pulled her closer. “I’m just…” There was no space between them. She could feel Alison’s body heat against hers. The water was making her feel off-balance. “I need a minute…”

“That good, huh?” Alison smiled cheekily.

Emily smiled at her and moved in to kiss her. Alison happily kissed back. Emily waited for the feeling to pass. Her body felt weightless. Her mind started spinning. For a few seconds she assumed it was just from her high. But then she realized it was more.

Her equilibrium could just _feel_ something off. She tried to concentrate on the gentle splashing of the water around them. Normally, the water was her safe place. But nothing had been right with her since she’d gotten back from Maryland.

Alison felt Emily stiffen and rip her lips away. At first she thought it was a flashback, but then she saw the queasy look on her face. Emily felt around for the edge of the pool and quickly guided herself around the falls, pawing at the ledge and looking for the steps. She found the handle leading out of the water and stumbled up the steps.

Alison followed. When they reached the side of the pool Alison grabbed a bag from a station that had them stocked for these very instances. Seconds after she handed it to Emily she threw up in it. She could taste the banana and the one bite of blueberry oatmeal she’d had at breakfast.

“Well, that’s one way to tell me you don’t like my kissing.” Alison rubbed her back. It was still slick from the water and the oil from the sunscreen she’d applied.

Emily laughed.

“Maybe I don’t have this seasickness thing completely licked.”

“That’s okay. We’ll be back on land soon enough.”

They spent the rest of the day relaxing. Emily was finally able to eat a few hours later. To make up for the snafu that morning, she set up a little intimate picnic for them that night. With Spencer’s help she’d found a little corner of the ship near the bow that had a perfect view of the stars.

She’d come out of their shared bathroom that night looking as beautiful as ever. She had no idea what Alison was wearing, but she knew she looked regal. Emily did a proper bow and Alison laughed, eating it up.

“ _Where to, Miss_?” Emily questioned, holding her free hand out so she could properly escort her where she wanted to go.

Alison smiled at the motion. She felt the love that Rose felt for Jack in _Titanic_. It was deep and magnetic.

“ _To the stars_.” She took Emily’s hand, just as dainty as ever. She felt like she was in a fancy movie.

Emily led her exactly where she wanted to go. She had set up a few blankets for them to lie out and enjoy their last night on the water. They settled in next to one another.

Emily was leaning back on one of her arms, appreciating the mist of the water around them. Alison’s head was in her lap. She had ahold of Emily’s other hand, their fingers intertwined. She had the entire ocean and the sky above them to look at, but all she was looking at was Emily.

“Tell me what you see.” Emily’s chin tilted towards the sky.

Alison glanced up into the dark night. All different sizes of stars were painting the evening canvas. Stars were so simple, but so complex. It was a lot like her feelings for Emily. She took a moment to really appreciate the vastness of the universe. She got lost in the constellations. Her hand tightened around Emily’s. There were an infinite number of galaxies, and Alison was sure she’d love Emily in every single one of them.

“You know the Vincent Van Gogh painting? _Starry Night_?”

“One of my favorites.” Emily smiled. “Isn’t that the theme for this year’s prom?”

“Yeah. But not even that coupled with the original work could compare to this,” Alison said in awe.

Because while that classic painting was a beauty, experiencing something like it with Emily made it that much more amazing.

“The sky is this really dark shade of evening blue. It looks like someone dusted it with golden flecks of glitter. And all the stars…they all look so different. They’re all different sizes. Some are small and symmetrical and others look like they are closer, larger, and that they’re burning brighter.”

The stars stretched as far as she could see, reflecting off of the water, making it look like they were completely surrounded.

“I can see where the sky meets the ocean, and…” She was so captivated she had to take a moment to breathe and smile. “It looks like this never-ending horizon of twinkling lights. It’s like we’re inside of a snowglobe, completely encased in the universe.”

She felt Emily take a deep breath and let out a sigh. She looked up at her face. She had her eyes closed and she was smiling. She leaned back, lying against the blanket, Alison following her motions. She snuggled up closer to the brunette. Emily wrapped her arm around her and pulled her into her chest. Alison melted into her figure. She was always so warm and welcoming.

She tilted her chin up to peer at Emily’s face. She could see the beauty of the stars’ reflection in her eyes. It was like there was an entire galaxy swirling around in them. She was beautiful because she saw the beauty in the world. Looking at her took Alison’s breath away every time. What she felt was more than love. It was an aching need. It was everything she needed to live. It was fate. Destiny. It was happiness.

Emily listened to the sounds around them. She could hear the gentle rush of the water several decks down. She could hear the distant thrumming of a soft melody drifting from somewhere on the ship. She heard a sniffle from Alison.

“Hey…” Emily reached down to touch her cheek. “Are you crying?” She rubbed her thumb underneath Alison’s right eye and felt a tear.

“I’ve just never been this happy.” Alison smiled through her tears. She’d given up on happiness years ago. She’d never dreamed that someone like Emily would come along and open her heart…and show her what she was missing, and that she was worthy of love. “Promise me this is forever.”

Emily pulled her close, wrapping her arms around her tightly. She inhaled a deep breath. She could feel the joy Alison was emitting through her body. And it was in that exact moment that Emily knew that she had to do everything in her power to protect what they had…to protect their love.

“As long as we’re alive,” Emily whispered against her ear quietly. She kissed the side of her jaw.

Alison moved up her body, connecting her lips with Emily’s. Alison’s thigh fell between Emily’s legs. They twisted their upper bodies together to deepen the kiss. Alison left her palm flat against Emily’s chest. She felt Emily’s arm tighten around her back, her fingers gently digging into her shoulder. When they pulled away Alison could see Emily smiling in the moonlight.

“I am so in love with you,” Alison said, touching her cheek.

Emily smiled at her, answering her with a chaste kiss.

“I think you might have saved my life.” Alison rubbed her thumb near her temple, just staring at her and appreciating her.

“What?” Emily asked curiously, a confused smile on her face.

“Meeting you changed everything.” Alison sighed happily. “ _You_ changed me, Em. I’m so thankful for you.”

“You,” Emily said, gently searching for her chin. She cupped her face gently with her fingers and moved it up, “are extraordinary, Alison DiLaurentis. And I love you. Never forget that.”

Alison hummed happily and then laid her face back against Emily’s warm body. Neither one of them said anything else. They just laid out underneath the stars enjoying each other’s company. After a while Emily could tell by Alison’s soft breathing pattern that she was sleep. She kissed the top of her head and pulled her into a tighter embrace. She never wanted to let her go.

It was only when they were on their way back to Florida that Emily’s seasickness had completely subsided. And it was just in time, too. Because there was something Emily had to do, and being seasick was not part of her plan.

When Alison woke up the next morning she rolled over to kiss Emily good morning. They’d fallen asleep in the twin bed together after their evening under the stars. But when she rolled over she found the bed empty.

“Em?” She sat up, looking around the room, listening for any indication that Emily was still there.

Maybe she’d gotten sick again and was in the bathroom. But when she looked around the corner she saw that the door was open and the light was off. There was no sign of her girlfriend anywhere.

Alison felt herself starting to panic, not only because they were on a ship in the middle of the ocean, but because the last time she’d woken up to find Emily gone Emily had been savagely attacked by Ben. Ben was locked up, but that didn’t mean that the world wasn’t still full of danger.

And… _shit_ , what if the appeals had gone through and what if he was strutting free without them knowing? What if he’d ditched his ankle monitor and had run off to get revenge on Emily for putting him behind bars? That was the kind of person he was. He was a fucking nutjob. What if he’d somehow snuck aboard the ship and had been waiting for the right moment to kidnap her? Hurt her? Kill her?

All she could think about was that cold look he’d given her the last time she’d seen him at the courthouse. He’d had this weird spark of determination in his gaze. The smile on his face had been eerie and empty. The light behind his eyes was dark. It’s like she’d been staring into a void. Surely they wouldn’t let an attempted rapist out of prison mere months after he’d committed a felony? Surely the justice system wasn’t that fucked up.

But what if it was? Jesus, she should have strangled him with his own entrails when she had the chance.

 _You’re being paranoid._ She told herself.

But was she? _Really_?

She fumbled around for her phone, but then she remembered that Emily’s cell had been off for most of the trip to avoid roaming charges.

“Shit.” She mumbled, rolling out of bed.

She rushed to the door of their room, pulling it open with such force she was surprised she hadn’t pulled it off of its hinges. She glanced down the hallway and saw a few people moseying around, but no Emily. She closed the door and then started pacing the room. She knew that she was overreacting, but she couldn’t help it. It was something new to her…to love someone so much that the thought of losing that person was enough to shut down all common sense.

She was seconds away from a full blown panic attack when she saw the blinking green light on their cabin phone. She walked over to it, picked it up, and pressed the green triangle to retrieve the voice message. Relief surged through her when she heard Emily’s voice,

_“Good morning, beautiful. I have a surprise for you. So whenever you get this, put on something pretty and meet me over by the Captain’s Quarters.”_

Never one to disappoint her girl, Alison did exactly as the message instructed, stopping only for a few seconds to pause and laugh at herself…because she had totally become Emily’s bitch somewhere along the way.

She chose a relaxed, yet chic outfit. Though Emily wouldn’t be seeing what she was wearing, the rest of the people on the ship would. And she couldn’t deal with any judgmental stares today, especially given that it was her last few hours with her girlfriend to enjoy their vacation.

She made her way out towards the Captain’s Quarters, which for the most part was off-limits to the passengers. There were a few people littered about, some drinking mimosas. She heard a woman laugh and say, “Hair of the dog that bit you!” as she titled her glass full of orange juice and champagne mixture up to her lips.

A couple of kids were sleepily dragging behind their parents. Some people were moving their luggage through the halls and towards the exit where they would be docking within an hour. But Alison didn’t see Emily anywhere.

The worry started to creep into her veins again. Maybe Emily had come out to surprise her, but something had happened and she’d fallen overboard or maybe someone abducted her. But someone would have seen her, right? The hall was pretty busy now, but who knows when Emily had left their room? Perhaps it had still been dark out.

Just as her thoughts started to run wild she saw her friends. Aria waved at her and Spencer shouted her name. She walked over to join them.

“Hey, have you seen Emily?” Alison asked.

The girls shook their heads. She glanced at Hanna immediately, because if anyone would know whether or not to be concerned it would be Emily’s best friend. She was leaning back against the railing watching all the people go by, her tired sunken eyes hidden behind her large overly priced sunglasses. Next, Alison looked around for Toby, but didn’t see him anywhere. She faced Spencer.

“Where’s Toby?” Alison asked.

“Not sure. He’s probably still sleeping. He was out gambling with some of the guys on the wrestling team last night.” Spencer shrugged.

So then where the fuck was her girlfriend?

A loud ping echoed throughout the ship. They’d heard announcements here and there during the cruise, so they’d gotten used to it.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. If I could have your attention please? We are about an hour out from docking at our sunny destination in Florida. The weather is projected to be a beautiful 88 degrees. We hope you’ve enjoyed your stay with us. We know you have a choice in sea travel and we thank you for choosing our cruise line.” The Captain said over the loudspeaker. “Now everyone just relax and enjoy the rest of the trip.” There was a pause and then something that sounded like hushed whispering and the voice added, “One last thing. Would Alison DiLaurentis please report to The Bridge? We have a situation that needs to be rectified ASAP.”

Everyone who knew her faced her with inquisitive expressions.

“What did you do?” Spencer asked quietly.

“Nothing.” Alison felt queasy.

“Come on. We’ll all go.” Aria suggested.

A gnawing feeling returned to the pit of Alison’s stomach, but the second she got to the door and reached out a shaky hand to knock the sound of a ukulele filled the air. Alison spun around to find a string quartet looking directly at her and playing Jason Mraz’s _I’m Yours_.

She shot a look over at her friends. All worry had vanished from their faces and they were smiling at her now. Several men and women wearing sea-related gear started dancing. People started whipping their phones out, and they were all trained on Alison.

“What the hell is happening?” Alison asked the girls.

“Just enjoy the ride, Ali.” Spencer smiled.

The loudspeaker came back on, but instead of The Captain’s voice she heard a smooth familiar tone.

“Alison, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the best way to do this. You are constantly going above and beyond for me, for _us_. I wanted to do this in the biggest way possible, because I wanted it to be unforgettable. I wanted to make you feel the same way you make me feel every day that we are together. Special. Important.” She paused. “Loved.”

The message cut off as the song continued. Alison looked throughout the crowd of growing dancers and listened to the song.

_“This is our fate, I’m yours…”_

She felt woozy. This couldn’t be real life. This shit didn’t really happen in real life. Only in nonsensical fairytales and on attention-seeking social media sites.

The door to The Bridge opened just as Alison’s back had been turned by two of the dancers. She watched the ukulele singer start the ending chorus while smiling at her. She felt a feminine hand against her shoulder and when she turned around Emily was standing there in a suit and tie that fit her body perfectly. Where had she gotten that? That hadn’t been in her luggage.

“May I have this dance?” Emily had her hand held out.

Alison was speechless. All she could do was nod and take Emily’s hand. As they walked out on to the deck Toby came out from behind her with a video camera. Of course, he’d had to have helped her plan this. She looked at her friends and they were grinning from ear-to-ear. It was all starting to come together. Hanna must have helped her pick out the suit. Toby probably brought it on with his luggage. And Aria and Spencer must have helped them put the whole band together. But how had she managed to get the Captain of the cruise ship to help?

Alison wrapped her arms around Emily and felt her taking over the lead, which tended to happen naturally when they were dancing. Once the song was near its end Emily pulled back and took Alison’s shaking hands into her own.

“Go to prom with me,” Emily said.

“I…” Alison was still completely flabbergasted. “I can’t believe you planned this.”

“I’m a military brat. We plan everything.” Emily smiled at her. “So, what do you say?”

“Yes! Of course!” She all but leaped into her arms and planted a kiss on Emily’s lips.

The song ended and a slower song started. The dancers dispersed and let Alison and Emily have their moment in the sun. Alison laid her arms over Emily’s shoulders and their faces drifted closer together.

“How did you pull this off, Emily?”

“I have my ways.” Emily grinned.

“Emily Fields, don’t make me beat it out of you.”

“Like you’d have a shot against me? I’ve been in martial arts training since I was three.” Emily chuckled. She moved her fingers against Alison’s cheek, finding a stray hair and pushing it behind her ear. “The Captain is an old buddy of my dad’s. Retired Navy. My dad called in a favor.” She heard the whirring noise of a plane above them. “A couple of favors, actually.” She pressed her lips against Alison’s and then pulled back and smiled at her and quietly said, “Look up.”

Amidst the cheering and clapping Alison could pick Emily’s voice out of anywhere. She glanced up and saw a plane swirling in the air, leaving behind a trail of white cloudy dust in its wake. After a few seconds Alison saw that the plane was spelling something out.

After the skywriter was finished there was a clear message for them:

 _EF & AD_ inside of a heart. It was almost identical to the writing on the kissing rock.

“How…” Alison’s jaw dropped.

“He’s got retired buddies in the Air Force, too.”

“You did all of this for me?” Alison questioned in surprise. No one had ever done anything like this for her before. Emily was constantly surprising her.

“You’re the reason we’re on this trip.” Emily smiled. She paused, getting choked up. “You’re the reason for everything good in my life.”

Alison smiled, leaning her cheek against Emily’s shoulder as they swayed on the deck. After the song ended Alison looked up at Emily with tears in her eyes. She laughed and then playfully struck Emily in the arm with a punch.

“I’m really pissed at you.” Though her light tone suggested she wasn’t really angry.

“Why?” Emily asked with a laugh.

“When I couldn’t find you I was freaked. And you were out here this whole time doing something _nice_ for me when I was threatening to kill you for disappearing like that.”

Emily chuckled.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You also ruined my plans to ask you. I had this whole big promposal thing in the works for you.”

“Liar.” Emily knew there was nothing in the works. She’d made sure by checking with Spencer first.

“Okay, but you still made me look bad.”

“If you want you can still ask me. I’ll even act surprised and everything.”

“Well, now you’re just pitying me.” Alison frowned with a laugh.

Emily shook her head. The girl was such an enigma sometimes, but she loved her so much. She did the one thing she knew how to do to get her to stop rambling: she kissed her. Alison immediately fell in to it, pressing her palm against Emily’s cheek. When they pulled away both of them were smiling.

“I love you, Alison.”

“I love you more, Emily.”

Alison took a moment to memorize everything about the scene. It felt like a fever dream. Picture perfect moments like this rarely happened in life. She wanted to remember everything about it. She wanted to tell their children about it one day. She wanted to be able to look back and remember her fondest memories of Emily with the same clarity of emotions that she felt in the moment. She wanted these moments to be the ones she never forgot. She had no idea at the time just how precious they would be one day.


	22. Shadows of the Past

**A/N:** _This chapter answers the BURNING question...of why Spencer’s middle name is Jane and not Jill. Kidding aside, it’ll give everyone a ton of insight and starts to unravel a lot of Emily’s past. It’s kind of heavy, just FYI._

* * *

  **Chapter 22:**

**Shadows of the Past**

Two weeks after they’d gotten back to Rosewood Emily was still having problems adjusting to her “land legs”. The last day of the cruise she’d been able to get her bearings. Now she was having trouble adjusting to being back on solid ground.

She heard a decent chunk of her breakfast swirl down the bowl as she pushed down on the handle to flush. She lowered the toilet lid and sat down against it, rubbing her sweaty face with her hands.

She wasn’t an idiot. She knew it wasn’t _all_ because of her equilibrium being off-balance. She knew what it was, deep down. And she cursed herself…and her luck. It was happening _again_. Emily rubbed her eyes. She sighed, her hands trembling.

It was time to go back to Baltimore. She bit her tongue so hard that it drew tears to her eyes, but she reached for her phone on the counter and said his name and it automatically dialed him.

“Emily?” She heard his voice on the other end. Her stomach twisted into knots. “Hey, how was Jamaica?”

“Good.” Emily replied. She gripped her nose between her thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry to be calling you so early.”

“No worries. You know I get up with the birds. Besides, I’ve been trying to reach you.”

“Yeah. I know.” Emily admitted.

“Ah ha, so you _have_ been screening my calls.” But he didn’t sound angry. He was doing that sweet charming act that ran in his family. Maya had been really good at it, too. “So, what’s up?”

“First of all let me just tell you what a piece of human garbage I am for bailing on you and leaving things the way I did.”

“Ah, you’re not garbage, Em.” He blew it off. “You were dealing with a lot. I get it. It was too much…”

“Still, I am _really_ sorry I pulled you into this. I’m the one who asked to come out there. I put you in this impossible situation and then I turned around and I…” She shook her head. “I’m such an asshole. I shouldn’t have run out on you. I owe you more than that. You’ve never been anything but good to me.” Even when she didn’t deserve it. “I panicked.” She admitted. “I knew where it was going and I panicked. And I know that’s not a good enough reason but I…”

“Emily, slow down,” he said. “What is it you’re trying to say?”

“I’ve had some time to straighten some things out. And I…I…need to see you.” She tensed up. “I’m ready…to talk.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and then a concerned sigh.

“Are you okay? Has something changed? Is it the flashes? Are they getting worse? Or something else?”

“Let’s just talk about it in person in a few weeks.”

“I’m hurt.” He feigned being upset. “That’s the best you can do? You get a fancy girlfriend and a new town and all you can do is pencil me in in a few weeks? What, are you too busy partying with your girlfriend to come see me on the weekend?” He teased with a soft laugh.

She couldn’t help but smile. He was just as much a smart-ass as Maya.

“I’ve got spring break coming up. I just figured that would be the best time to come and see you.” She could feel the tears burning her eyes. “And Lily, of course. I promised her I’d be back to see her soon. I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure. Of course. She’d love that. She asks about you every day. And I never see her happier than after you’ve called or video-chatted with her.”

“How is she doing?”

“Uh…feisty.” He laughed. “She bit me yesterday when I tried to get her settled into her bed. Then she threw a plastic pony at my face and called me a meanie-head because I wouldn’t let her play with a dirty needle as a sword for her pocket doll.”

“Which pony? Princess Sparkle or Cinnamon Buttercup?”

“Rainbow Starlight,” he said with a laugh. “But she did follow up with Buttercup.”

“Sounds like her. She’s going to accidentally give some unsuspecting child a concussion with a lampshade one day.” Emily laughed.

It was short lived. A sigh escaped her lips.

He didn’t miss it.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound like yourself.”

“I’m better than okay.” Emily ran her fingers over a bracelet that Alison had gotten her on the cruise. “I’m dating the most wonderful girl in the world.” A beep interrupted their conversation. “Hey, I’ve got to run. Hanna is giving me a ride to school. Pretty sure she’s calling to bitch at me and tell me she’s in my driveway waiting for me.”

“Oh, best not to get on her bad side,” he replied. “We’ll catch up soon, okay?”

They said their goodbyes and Emily picked up the other line. Sure enough, it was Hanna. Emily quickly gathered her things and walked outside with Ace by her side. She got Ace situated and then climbed in the front seat next to Hanna.

Emily didn’t say much on their ride to school. It was only when she felt Hanna’s car ease into a parking spot that she reached out and found Hanna’s arm with her palm. Hanna nearly jumped out of her skin. Because she _knew_. Emily didn’t even have to say anything for Hanna to realize it. She’d seen the same behavior changes in her the last time.

“Hanna?” She bit her lip. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Hanna instinctively took her hand.

“It’s not just anxiety, is it?” Hanna asked. Emily shook her head and Hanna sighed, “I fucking knew it.” Her hands tightened on the wheel. “ _Again_ , Em?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?” Hanna sighed.

“Positive.”

“You _lied_ to me. You said you two _talked_ …”

“We did,” she replied. “We just…didn’t finish the conversation.” She could hear Hanna’s disappointment, could _feel_ it. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to flip your shit.”

As if to prove that she wouldn’t freak out, Hanna sighed and put her stiff hands against the steering wheel of her car. She inhaled deeply and nodded, though to nothing in particular.

“Hanna…” Emily was worried about her silence.

“When did you find out?” Hanna turned to her.

“I suspected it before we left for the cruise. Found out for sure a week after we got back.”

“Have you made a decision yet?” Hanna chewed on the inside of her cheek.

“I think so. But I want to see him first. I called him this morning. I’m going out to Maryland during spring break.”

“I thought you and Alison were spending the week together.”

“We are, but not the whole week. I’m planning on going out on Friday and spending the weekend out there again.” She bit her lip. “Can you take me? I was going to ask my mom, but she’s still… _weird_ about dad being gone. I think it might be overkill to drop this on her. And I thought about asking Alison, but I don’t…I don’t want to drag her into this. This is my mess. Not hers.”

“Emily, being honest with me about it is one thing…”

“Don’t.” Emily interrupted her, her voice breaking. “I can’t. I already lost Maya. I can’t lose her, too. I know it’s selfish, but I just want a little more time with her before I tell her.” Her lips were trembling. “I’m sorry. I know I’m putting you in a really shitty position…”

“Yeah.” Hanna replied curtly. “You are.”

Emily nodded, taking the heat without fighting back. Then she felt it. Hanna’s fingers against hers.

“Of course I’ll take you. You don’t need to deal with this alone.” Hanna gently put pressure on her hand. “What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t go with you?” She asked. “Besides, Caleb will be out of town visiting Travis.”

“He’s home from overseas?” Emily smiled.

“Yeah, for a little while. Caleb was hesitant to go see him at first because he felt like he was excluding me on our spring break. But I told him to go. Guess everything happens for a reason.”

“Thank you, Han.”

“Don’t mention it.” Hanna squeezed her fingers.

There was a pause and then a heavy sigh.

“I _will_ tell her. I’m going to,” Emily said softly. “It’s just…she deserves a normal senior year. I want her to have that. We’re so close. She’s so happy. I can’t just drop this on her with everything going on. I mean, we have finals coming up and I don’t want to distract her. Once we graduate she’ll have options for college and I just…I want her to have a shot at a normal life.” Emily was shaking so much Hanna could feel the car moving because of it.

“Em, you _are_ her life, don’t you get that?”

“I know.” Came her soft response. “That’s what makes this so hard.”

She wanted Alison to have everything she wanted and more. She had so many decisions she had to make. And she felt like she was making all the wrong ones. A tear slipped out from underneath her sunglasses, but she reached for the door handle to try and climb out before Hanna could see.

“Hey.” Hanna reached over, blocking her from getting out of the car. “Emily, you need to take a minute to breathe. You go into school looking like you do right now and Alison and _everyone_ else will take one look at you and they’re gonna know something is up.”

Emily nodded.

“Can we uh…” Emily cleared her throat. “Do we have enough time to go get coffee?”

“Bitch, please. There’s _always_ time for coffee.” Hanna smiled. “Though I’m thinking more along the lines of herbal tea for you. You don’t need the caffeine. You’re jumping out of your skin without it.”

Emily laughed. By the time they’d gone to the coffee shop and got back to school Emily had managed to collect her thoughts, and compartmentalize her emotions. When she walked into school no one could tell anything was up.

It was an act she perfected over the following days and weeks. Luckily, she had an adoring public who worshipped her, and more importantly, they worshipped her relationship with Alison. They were the talk of the town for weeks. Their relationship had blown up after Emily went all out to ask Alison to prom on the cruise. It had inspired a lot of lovers to do the same. The halls of Rosewood were filled with adoration instead of snark for once.

They’d become the “it” couple in just a few months time. Alison loved the attention. She liked showing off that she was with the hottest girl in town. Emily seemed indifferent to their newfound fame, and at certain times even shied away from it. But she didn’t shy away from holding and touching and kissing her girlfriend every chance she got. She appreciated Alison more than anyone could ever know.

A couple of kids asked Emily for advice on how to ask their partners to prom, and she was happy to help them. Some were even brave enough to ask Alison for advice. Toby asked Alison if it would be okay for him to ask Spencer to go with him. He said he was trying to do the honorable thing, but really he just needed to know that Alison and Jason weren’t going to give him shit for it, namely Jason and his heated temper.

“Thought you weren’t a ‘dance’ kind of dude. Weren’t you just bitching about conforming to high school traditions to me like last month?” Emily grasped his wrist and laughed.

“Whatever, cynic. It’s different when you have something invested in it.” Toby flipped his hand over with a smile and squeezed Emily’s fingers. “So, Alison, what do you think?”

“You can try,” Alison said apathetically. “But Spencer _hates_ dances.”

“No.” Toby held his finger up, ready to correct her. “She hates conforming to societal norms. But she _loves_ judging people who do.”

 _Guess we aren’t too far apart on the family tree after all._ Alison glanced at her cousin in the cafeteria breakfast line.

“So your plan is to dress up in formal-wear and mock others who do the same?” Alison made sure she understood him.

“Exactly.”

There was a moment of silence, and a look of approval from Alison. He wasn’t conforming to societal norms. He was being true to himself. And he was doing things his way. She respected that.

“I approve. Ask away.”

That meant more to Toby than he would ever admit. He pretended not to care what Alison thought, but deep down inside he did care about getting Spencer’s family on board with their relationship.

“Wish me luck.” Toby smiled at the girls as he pushed his chair out away from the table. He nervously ran his fingers through his hair and checked his breath before walking towards Spencer.

Aria and Hanna glanced at one another and giggled.

“What do you think she’ll do?” Hanna asked curiously.

“I don’t know.” Aria squinted her eyes. “Spence is a wild card. She may cry. But she may also hit him in the face with a tray for making it a public spectacle.”

“Ten bucks says he chickens out.” Hanna watched.

“Hey! You’re betting against my cousin?” Emily snapped with a playful smile. There was a pause and then Emily added. “Make it twenty.”

The girls had been watching Toby and Spencer play their delicate dance for months. They had yet to officially declare that they were dating, but it was obvious by the amount of time they spent together that they were destined to end up together. They’d both just been too stubborn to make a move.

They watched in amusement as Toby pulled up his big boy pants, walked up to Spencer…and then darted away at the last minute. It felt very reminiscent of Alison being so afraid to talk to Emily a few days after they’d met.

“Did he just duck behind that taco stand?” Aria laughed.

“Called it.” Hanna snorted.

“Maybe he doesn’t want to _taco_ ‘bout it.” Aria elbowed Hanna.

Hanna just groaned at the pun.

“You’re better than that, Aria.”

“I bet he’s practicing his _salsa_ moves.” Aria giggled. She knew her terrible puns annoyed the shit out of her friends, which is why she made them.

“Pay up, Fields.” Hanna nudged Emily.

“Just give it a day or two. Double or nothing.” Emily suggested.

She knew her cousin, and she knew that he would rise to the occasion. He just had to have the right plan in motion first. It was like when she was planning her promposal to Alison. She’d called Toby every other day trying to make sure everything would go off without a hitch. She’d wanted it to be perfect. Unforgettable. Because her girlfriend deserved nothing less. She knew she only had one opportunity to ask her to senior prom. And according to everyone around her, she’d nailed it.

So for the next two days Emily helped Toby devise a plan that they both knew Spencer wouldn’t be able to say no to. The girls gathered around a table in the library before school started. Spencer and Aria were on their way with breakfast and coffee. Emily sat down next to Alison after having taken Ace for his morning walk.

“Hey, babe.” Alison leaned in for a kiss.

Emily pecked her lips and then sat back against her chair. Alison reached into her bag and pulled out some of her foundation, taking a moment to neatly cover a fading hickey on her neck.

“Run into a doorknob there, Alison?” Hanna teased.

Alison heard Emily laughing softly. The girl was constantly leaving marks on her, which was usually fine, but it gave everyone around them fuel to add to the fire.

“Wonder where they are.” Hanna glanced up, looking for their friends. “I need my coffee fix if I’m going to make it through my Poly-Sci test today.”

“It’s political science. How hard is it to remember that the government is a corrupt piece of garbage and that people fight wars over the stupidest things?” Caleb scoffed.

“You _would_ think that, Mr. Anarchy.” Hanna scoffed.

“Is that so?” Caleb questioned. “Take this prom queen bid for instance.” He pointed to a bulletin board with a fancy poster about who would be the reigning prom queen this year. Alison glanced at it indifferently. “Two girls shaved each other’s eyebrows and heads to try and knock each other out of the running. For what? A little power? A shiny hat?”

“It’s called a crown.” Emily pointed out with a teasing smile.

“Yeah, and it comes with a scepter.” Hanna added.

“I really do not understand your species.” Caleb laughed.

“I hear Bridget Wu and Prudence Finn are both canvasing for the coveted spot.” Hanna motioned to the poster.

Alison seemed unbothered.

“They won’t beat me.” Alison applied some of her lipstick while looking in her compact mirror.

“I didn’t even know you were in the running,” Caleb said.

“Oh, please. My parents own like half this school. I’m always in the running. Everyone knows I’m a shoo-in.” Alison shrugged.

“You’re so very humble, m’Lady.” Emily gave her a hard time.

“I don’t make the rules,” Alison said coolly. “I just know it’s inevitable. Especially given my date is the most beautiful girl in Rosewood.”

“Who is this girl? I will fight her.” Emily smirked.

“You dork.” Alison laughed and shook her head.

“So, what about you, Tobes?” Emily questioned.

“ _Tobes_?” Toby snickered. “That’s new.”

“When are you going to ask her?” Emily egged him on.

“I’m…” He seemed flustered. His face turned red. “I’m working my way up to it.”

He reached into his gym bag and pulled a long box out. It was old and faded and falling apart around some of the edges, but it gave the cover of the box a feeling of nostalgia.

“Scrabble?” Alison asked in confusion. “ _That’s_ your big idea?”

Emily had helped him with the idea, telling Toby to let Spencer pick for him by following her lead and doing it in a way that was unique to them and by doing something he knew Spencer would love. He’d mentioned that they played Scrabble a few times a week at breakfast in the cafeteria and that he never saw her happier than when she was kicking his ass. He wasn’t that unworthy of an opponent. Sometimes he lost just to see her smile.

“I’m going to let her beat me.” He grinned. “See, I’ve rigged the letters so that I’ll get everything I need to ask it. I’m going to ask her, word for word.”

“You plan on winning someone over with words?” Alison asked in confusion. She had a look on her face like she couldn’t comprehend that.

“You should try it sometime.” Toby shrugged, a cockiness to his tone.

“Good luck. When she says ‘no’ you can take Ace as your date.” She suggested.

“He’s a better dancer than you think.” Emily smiled at her cousin.

“Okay, ha ha. Enough from the peanut gallery. This is going to work. You know how competitive she can be. She’ll be so caught up in the game that she won’t even realize what I’m doing until it’s too late.”

Alison had to give him points for creativity. And points for knowing that the weird gesture would be right up Spencer’s alley. So when Spencer walked over to their table and saw the game out she kept her mouth shut. Toby was starting to set up the board just as she was setting her tray down.

“Someone is feeling like getting the posterior side of his gluteus maximus calcitrated.” Spencer boasted.

“Those aren’t real words.” Hanna scoffed. “You just made them up.”

“Read a dictionary, Marin,” Spencer said, reaching for the game.

Toby doled out the letters, which he’d previously separated by giving her specific letters that would help her form the most complicated words for the highest points. The girls watched them play, trying not to giggle and give anything away.

Spencer played “Equalize” to start, which gave Toby the opening to play “Will”. Spencer’s next word was “Wheezily” and then Toby added “You”. Her next word was “Quaking”, which the girls were certain she would be doing shortly. She was looking at her letters so intently and keeping score and concentrating so hard that she didn’t see the sentence being formed.

When Toby played “Go” he shrugged and told her he had shit letters. She gloated about how she was whipping him. She played “Quantum” and he rubbed his fingers through his hair and played it off with an “aww shucks” kind of expression and muttered about how he only had two letters he could use, and so “To” was born. They kept playing until the last of Toby’s letters were on the board.

Spencer looked up at her friends with a look of confusion on her face. Everyone had their phones out and they were smirking.

“I didn’t realize this was a televised event.” Spencer stared at her friends, none of them being discreet about their emotions.

“Oh, yes, this competition is more nail-biting than the Superbowl.” Hanna snorted.

Spencer looked at Hanna like she’d lost her mind. Toby made his move, pointing to the board, kneeling down in front of her.

“You may have won in Scrabble, but I want to win in life. Spencer Jane Hastings, will you go to prom with me?”

Spencer sputtered incoherently for a few seconds. The wordsmith, completely without words.

“But…you…I thought…you always say dances are lame. You hate dances.”

“I do.” Toby shrugged. “But I like you.”

“Well, in that case…Tobias Austen Cavanaugh, I’d be delighted to go to prom with you.” She played another word on the board. _Elated._

A goofy smile formed on Spencer’s face. Her cheeks reddened and she actually giggled. It’s like she was a love-struck five-year-old. Everyone at the table saw her fawning and they couldn’t help but smile. They were like old-timey lovers in a sickly sweet 18th century romance novel, which fit since their middle names were Jane and Austen. It’s like they were destined to be together.

Hanna looked at Caleb with a frown.

“How come you weren’t that romantic when you asked me?” She playfully slapped his shoulder.

“I literally hacked into the school’s mainframe, played your favorite song on the stereo while I walked up to you with flowers and pointed you towards the school’s marquee where I’d written that I loved you and asked you to go to prom with me. There was confetti and everything.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t play Scrabble.” She muttered.

“You hate Scrabble!” Caleb shook his head in confusion. “You say words give you a headache.”

Emily and Alison laughed at their friends. Alison reached out and took Emily’s hand, grateful to have her, grateful that she’d gotten the most unforgettable promposal she could have ever imagined. Their friend’s promposals had been cute. But _theirs_ had been epic.

Emily’s phone buzzed and she reached for it. She answered and a strange expression crossed her face. Alison felt her tense up, Emily’s fingers squeezing hers.

“Everything okay?” Alison asked quietly, trying not to call attention away from Toby’s and Spencer’s moment.

“I’ve got to take this.” Emily pushed her chair out, throwing her bag over her shoulder and grabbing Ace’s leash.

“It’s not about your dad, is it?” Alison asked in concern.

Emily shook her head and then started walking away. She walked outside and sat down on a bench. Alison watched through the window for a few seconds and then she quietly slipped away from the table to follow her.

She overheard part of the conversation, but nothing concrete. It was full of “yeahs” and “nos” and “thanks”. Emily ended the call and sat there in silence for a few minutes. Alison walked outside to sit down next to her just as the bell signaling that they needed to get to homeroom chirped.

Before Alison had the opportunity to ask her what was up Emily stood up, reaching for her hand, knowing she was there. She could just feel her.

“I need to get to class.” She pulled Alison into an embrace and rubbed her cheek before kissing her. “I’ll catch you at lunch, okay?” She dropped Alison’s hand and started walking off.

“Em, wait…” Alison’s senses were going haywire. Something was seriously wrong.

“I can’t be late, Ali. I’m starting to fall behind in Trig.”

Alison was halfway to her locker when she realized…Emily didn’t have Trig until after lunch. Her first class of the day was History. She went looking for Emily after first period, but couldn’t find her. She texted her to see if she wanted to switch Trig and History notes, but Emily texted back that she couldn’t because she was staying a late in her Economics class to follow up with something she didn’t grasp the concept of.

Emily had been losing focus lately, especially in school. She managed to keep up, but Alison could tell that it was a struggle for her. And who could blame her? She really did have a lot on her mind. They had been stressing about colleges, where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do.

They’d been worried about finals coming up and how they were going to adjust to life after high school. Plus, with Emily’s dad gone and her mom trying to deal with all the legalities from the assault and Ben’s appeals in court, it left Emily feeling spread too thin, which she’d admitted to Alison. She had been moody for a while, but every time she felt like she snapped at someone she quickly apologized.

 _“Things are just intense right now. Be patient with me. I promise it’ll get better,”_ she’d said a few days ago when they were studying.

She’d looked like she was fighting a terrible headache at the time, but she hadn’t said a word about it to Alison. Alison didn’t have to touch her to know she was having a hot flash. When Alison had called attention to her rosy cheeks, Emily had countered with an excuse about how the rising temperatures were playing with her internal thermometer. Then she’d cheekily asked Alison about checking her temperature manually.

They still hadn’t slept together, but neither one of them were in a rush to take that step. They were enjoying the time they had together. They were both looking forward to their spring break in a few days. Everyone certainly needed the break. Emily was going to spend half of it with Alison and the other half with her mother’s family in Delaware. At least, that’s what she told Alison. And Alison had no reason to suspect otherwise.

She seemed tense about the trip, though she’d never said anything negative about her mom’s side of the family. Alison started to wonder if there was something she could do to take her mind off of her stress.

Being together was a natural calming agent for both of them. Sometimes they cuddled and listened to their favorite music. Sometimes they walked at the park and talked about life. Sometimes they studied. Most of the time their encounters ended up with them making out somewhere…the couch, in the woods, in an empty school classroom, once in a bathroom at a speak-easy. They could barely keep their hands off of one another. Emily had been especially needy about being touched lately.

Alison was lost in thought, digging around in her locker for her notes for her last class before lunch when she overheard two girls talking. She heard Emily’s name come up, and she didn’t like what they were saying one bit.

“…can’t imagine what Emily must be thinking. After hearing that Coogan is up for early release…”

Alison whipped her head around to face the girls walking by, her eyes locking in on their target. Her nostrils flared. Had she heard that right?

“What did you say?” Alison snapped.

The girls physically retracted away from her in fear. One girl was taller than Alison and a bit more stocky, but she looked absolutely petrified. The shorter one, a little redhead with freckles twitched, her eyes turning into wrinkled slits of fear.

“Um…I just…I…I just heard that boy Ben Coogan might get out on good behavior in a few weeks.”

_Are you fucking kidding me, America? Oh my God. Poor Em._

“How could you possibly know that?” And was it true? Because if it was…

“My dad is a correctional officer at the facility where he’s being housed,” the girl replied. “I overheard him talking to my mom after dinner last night. He’s apparently got all kinds of appeals and requests for time served and is asking for the court to take his good faith as a gesture that he regrets his actions and is ready to be a productive member of society…”

“Good faith?” Alison snorted angrily. “You do know what he did, right?”

“Uh…” The girl gripped her friend’s arm and then looked around the hall nervously, because Alison DiLaurentis was _not_ someone you wanted pissed off at you. “I…I…”

Had that been what the phone call Emily had received was about? Jesus, no wonder she was acting so weird. She waited for the girl to elaborate, but it seemed as though she’d stunned her into submission. She relaxed her stance and sighed, trying a different approach.

“I didn’t mean to freak you out,” she said. “But Emily is my girlfriend, and I was there that day and I _saw_ what he did to her…” Her fists tightened and the girls shared a nervous glance.

“We know.” Her friend replied. “We heard you and Toby Cavanaugh really messed him up.”

“He totally deserved it.” The redhead quickly blurted out. “Coogan has always been a freak. He tried to touch me when we were at church camp one year when we were kids.”

So his psychopathic behavior tracked back even when he was a heathen in the God-squad. Those fuckers probably just thought it was cute that he was chasing girls and pulling their hair on the playground.

 _Fucking zealots using a fictional book to justify their shitty behavior…_ Alison growled angrily in thought.

She was beyond pissed, but she tried to hold it together. She smiled through a clenched jaw at the girls. They were probably still religious little things, so she kept her thoughts to herself.

“Did you ever tell anyone?” Alison asked.

“I mean, I thought it was just a _boy_ thing. We were like ten. Everyone was goofing off. I never thought he’d do something so…” She cringed, “…horrible. Besides, everyone was fooling around on that trip…”

“Not that it was okay.” The friend quickly added. “He was clearly more dangerous than anyone ever realized. He deserved… _deserves_ ,” She quickly changed the past participle, “to be locked up. We totally don’t agree with his appeals. It’s complete bullshit.”

“What else do you know?” Alison asked, no hint of anger in her voice, though she was certainly fired up on the inside.

“Well, his lawyer has been trying to prove that he feels remorse for what he’s done. And since he’s a first time offender they’re considering early parole.”

“I see.” _I’m going to shove a bomb up his ass and detonate it and then watch him turn into tiny pink particles of dust._

The warning bell clanged and the girls quickly skittered away before Alison could interrogate them any further. She slammed her locker in frustration. She grabbed her phone and did a quick Google search on the girls she’d been talking to. They were telling the truth. She glanced around the hallway looking for Emily, but she didn’t see her. But she did see a familiar face coming towards her.

“Spencer!” Alison caught her cousin’s arm before she could walk by her. She put an immense amount of pressure on her wrist.

“Oh, hey. Ali, what’s…”

Before she could finish her statement Alison yanked her towards the language lab, knowing it would be empty. Spencer jerked her arm away and looked accusingly at Alison.

“What the hell are you…”

The door slammed behind them and Alison let her go. She paced the room.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer questioned, rubbing her wrist.

Alison stopped moving around and looked directly at her cousin.

“Has your mom said anything to you about Ben getting out early?” Alison’s gaze was like a fire blazing, picking up steam.

“What?” Spencer exclaimed. “No! Where did you hear that?”

“Some tenth grader who says her father works at the jail.”

“You’re trusting the word of a little fetus?”

“I googled her. Her dad _does_ work at the jail. She’s not lying.”

“But that can’t be right. Mom would have said something…”

“Would she though? Her client was _us_ , not him. If the D.A for Ben decided something for _his_ client why would your mom know?”

“That’s not how it works. They would have had to alert her if anything related to the case came up.”

“But that’s what I’m saying. It’s not about the case. The case was over once he was sentenced.” A sentence he _should_ have served out in full. “The law doesn’t have protections against victims once the sentence of the perpetrator is filled in the eyes of the court.”

“No. No, victims have rights…”

“Please. Like they enforce it?” Alison scoffed.

“There’s no way…”

“It happens all the time, Spencer. Rich little whiteboy bitch gets a slap on the wrist when he should be getting the electric chair.” She cried out in frustration. “God, I’m going to kill him. If he gets out…”

“He won’t. If it _is_ true then it’s only a matter of time before the court alerts my mom. And she can fight it on Emily’s behalf.”

Alison felt her panic settling a little bit. Spencer had a point. They could certainly testify that he didn’t deserve early release. But thinking of Emily having to relive that entire ordeal was giving her what felt like a stomach ulcer. Before she could say anything else the bell rang.

“We should go.” Spencer looked at the clock.

“Call your mom for me if you have a chance.” Alison bit her lip, her anger turning into fear. “Please?”

Spencer nodded.

“This is like the _worst_ way to start out spring break.” Alison mumbled.

They walked out of the language lab and then went their separate ways. Alison was completely zoned out in class, though she was no different than any other student in that respect. Everyone else was already mentally on their spring break. But all Alison could think about was Ben and his stupid face. She incessantly tapped her pencil against her book while watching the ticking of the clock.

By the time lunch rolled around she was a complete nervous wreck. She quickly sat down next to Emily, not really sure what to say…or if it was the right venue to say it, because they were surrounded by all of their friends. So instead she just reached for her hand, a gesture that Emily appreciated. The brunette smiled at her girlfriend and brushed her thumb over Alison’s knuckles.

Alison didn’t miss that Emily was on the quiet side during lunch. Alison kept glancing at Spencer, trying to see if she’d talked to her mother. Spencer subtly shook her head, but Alison wasn’t sure if that meant she’d talked to her and didn’t get any information or if she hadn’t talked to her and still didn’t know anything.

It wasn’t until she met up with Emily after school that she had a chance find out what the hell was going on. She caught up with her after her swim lesson with Coach Fulton. The rest of the student body had bailed the second school was over, but Alison and the rest of the field hockey team had to stay for practice. The basketball team was still around, too. But otherwise, the school was quiet.

Alison had just changed and showered when she ran into Emily at her locker. Ace was sitting next to her. He turned around when he saw Alison approaching.

“Hey.” Alison walked up behind her. “You’re still here.”

“Yeah, just got changed out of my suit.” Emily nodded, shutting her locker door. “How was practice?”

“I was a little off my game.” Alison admitted.

“Something wrong?” Emily questioned.

Alison opened her mouth to say something, but saw a couple of girls from the team chatting down the hallway. Alison gently took Emily’s hand.

“Come with me,” she said quietly.

Emily felt her heart start to race. Had she said anything on the phone this morning that Alison could have overheard? Had she figured it out? Was that why she had been so strange at lunch? Alison walked down the hallway, pulling Emily along by her hand, Ace walking by her side. She walked into the language lab and shut the door. Then she looked around the room to make sure no one was using it as a make-out spot.

“Guess it’s so nice out that people are back to macking under the bleachers.” Alison uttered to herself.

“Ohh, is that why you dragged me here?” Emily couldn’t help but smile. She pulled Alison close to her. She’d had a really shitty day, but maybe she could change that.

Alison had to shut her sex drive up, because she knew they had important matters to discuss. It was hard to ignore something that was screaming at her though. Her libido was loud as fuck. And it only intensified when she felt Emily’s palm slide under her shirt and land on her ribs.

“Emily, hold on.” Alison stopped her. _We have the worst goddamn timing, I swear_. She was really pissed at herself. She really wanted Emily to have her way with her. “There’s something we need to talk about.”

Emily could hear the uncertain breaks in her tone. She felt her gut cinching so tight that a wave of nausea hit her. She _did_ know.

“Ali…” _Let me explain. Please don’t hate me._

“I just found out a few hours ago.” Alison blurted out nervously. She sounded exasperated, frustrated. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“How…how did you find out?”

“I heard two underclassmen talking about it in the hallway. At first I thought it was just bullshit gossip, but then I looked into it and it turns out her dad is a correctional officer where Ben is serving his sentence. She apparently overheard her parents talking about him possibly getting early release…”

“What?” Emily drew back in surprise, nearly tripping over her feet. Fortunately, Ace was behind her to steady her and seconds later she felt Alison’s hand on her arm. Emily pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth and took a heaving breath. “Ben is getting out?” Even _after_ she’d written the court?

Alison froze in surprise. She was certain that was why Emily had been acting weird and distant all day. She definitely wouldn’t have sprung it on her had she known Emily didn’t know.

“Was that not…” Alison stuttered. “Did you not know?”

“No!”

“Well, I mean, it’s just some stupid kids talking. I don’t know how much of it is true. I just assumed…” Alison felt like an asshole. She hadn’t meant for her to find out like this. “After that phone call this morning you were acting really sketchy. I thought that might be why.”

Emily felt like someone had physically reached in and was squeezing her heart inside her chest. With every breath she took there was a pressure against her ribcage that felt like a boulder pressing down against her lungs. This wasn’t a complication she needed right now. She had enough to worry about without wondering whether or not Ben was waiting in the shadows for her. She felt herself starting to lose control. She felt like she was spinning. She choked out something between a gasp and a sob. She made a face that Alison had never seen before.

“Em…breathe.” Alison reached out, one hand grasping her hip and the other against the side of her neck. “It…it’s probably nothing. Even if it is the truth he’ll never make it past the parole board.”

“I…” Emily uttered in shock. “I don’t understand. How could this happen? I did everything I was supposed to. I told my story. I wrote to the court to tell them how detrimental it would be for me…” Had they just thrown it in the shredder?

“I’m not sure of anything yet. I don’t know how much truth there is to it. I probably shouldn’t have said anything until I knew something for sure. I asked Spencer to call her mom to find out about it. But listen, even if it’s true we won’t let it happen.”

“How are we supposed to stop it?” Emily questioned. “It’s the _law_.”

“Well, the law is stupid.” Alison frowned.

Emily muttered something under her breath about shitty timing and then shook her head.

“This is so fucked up.” Emily moved to take her sunglasses off.

When she lowered her glasses Alison saw that the rims of her eyes were red and swollen and that the whites of her eyes were bloodshot. She looked stressed. And Alison suddenly realized…if she didn’t know about Ben, then why had she been avoiding her all day? Had she been crying? Why?

Emily rubbed her face, but before she could put her sunglasses back on Alison reached out and gently put her palm against Emily’s wrist. She moved her other hand underneath Emily’s right eye, tracing her thumb underneath her lower lid.

“If that phone call wasn’t about this…who was it?” Alison questioned.

“Uh…” Emily’s jaw tensed. She was still reeling. This was like the worst day ever, “…just an old friend of mine.”

“A _friend_?” Alison asked in frustration. She was trying to be patient. She really was. “I’m gonna need more than that, Emily. Because you’re acting really weird. And if it’s not about Ben…”

“We knew each other through Maya.” Emily interrupted her. Sort of, it was kind of the other way around. She’d only met Maya after she’d met him.

“Oh,” Alison said, shrinking down, feeling guilty for assuming it was something different.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spaz on you.” Emily took her hand. “It’s just…talking to him drudged some things up.”

Things she wasn’t ready to deal with. Things she didn’t want Alison to have to deal with.

 _Him_. Alison relaxed. At least it wasn’t an ex-girlfriend or something more nefarious.

“I’m sorry.” Alison stroked her cheek.

Emily didn’t say anything in response. She just smiled against her touch. After a few seconds of silence Alison dropped her hand, taking Emily’s in hers.

“No, _I’m_ sorry.” Emily replied. “I should have told you what was up. I didn’t mean to freak you out. But when it comes to Maya…” She clicked her tongue and nibbled her lip, “…she’s just this…blind spot for me.” She laughed softly at the irony. “I shut down. I don’t realize it at the time, but I know I do. And I’m sorry for that. I’m going to try to be better. It’s just…when her brother called me this morning I pushed the real world away and…I got lost in it.”

“Her brother?”

“Yeah. Her older brother and I still talk.” She nodded. She sighed. “We check in with each other a lot.”

“You’ve never mentioned that before.”

“I know.”

There was a shaky pause, then a beat of silence. The quiet tension in the room was too much for Alison to bear.

“Please don’t keep me locked out. Please talk to me.” Alison begged.

“I _can’t_.” Emily tensed up. “I can’t talk about her, about… _us_.” Her jaw twitched. “Not with you.”

“Why not?” She realized she was starting to sound snotty, so she tried to rein it in. “Em, I tell you _everything_.” Alison fought back with an attitude.

“Really?” She didn’t say it in an accusatory manner, but it still made Alison feel guilty, because she hadn’t and was never going to tell her about the fire. They’d come too far for her to lose Emily.

“I just don’t understand why you can talk to Hanna and Maya’s brother and your parents…”

“I don’t talk to my parents about this.” Emily interrupted her.

“Whatever. You _are_ talking to people about it. People who _aren’t_ your soulmate.”

Emily froze at Alison’s choice of words. It sent a warm feeling flowing through her.

“Hey…” Emily reached up to touch her cheek, “I love you, Alison. More than anything. I do. But there are some parts of my life that I don’t know how to address. Maya is one of them.”

“Is it me? Do you not want to talk to me specifically?” Alison asked curiously. “Is it because we’re dating and you think it’ll upset me?” _Is it because you’re still in love with her?_ She wanted to ask.

“No. Of course not. You know it has nothing to do with you. I just don’t like to go back to that particular part of my past.” The wounds still felt fresh.

“Why? What horrible heinous thing could you possibly have done that you think I’d judge you for it?” When Emily turned away, Alison held her face firmly. She wanted her to know that she could see behind her eyes. And she wanted to be a safe place for her. “You know, you _can_ talk to me.” Alison assured her. “In fact I _want_ you to. That’s…that’s what girlfriends do, right?”

Emily chuckled. It still made her so happy to hear Alison call them ‘girlfriends’. They’d really gone through a lot to get to this point in their relationship.

“For someone who claims to be really bad at relationships and not knowing how to be a girlfriend you certainly know what you’re doing.” Emily squeezed her hand.

Her smile slowly faded. She leaned against the edge of a desk. She nervously drummed her fingers against the wood, trying to decide what she wanted to do. She could hear Maya in her head telling her to stop being such a wuss. And she smiled. She reached for Alison’s hand again and the blonde took it.

“The thing about Maya is…it’s not that I _don’t_ want to talk about her…about _us_ , but I _can’t_. There are so many complications I don’t even know where I would start. And her brother…he gets that. Because we went through the same thing, losing her, I mean. It’s just…it’s a part of my life I try to keep separate from everything else.” She admitted. “Talking to him…it…it makes me feel like she’s somehow still alive. But it also makes it real. Knowing that she’s really dead. And I lose my mind over it sometimes.”

Alison rubbed Emily’s arm, letting her know that she was there. She’d gotten past the wall Emily had up. She’d always been very elusive about certain things in her history, so any time Alison could get her to open up she took it as a win. And she usually shut up and let Emily talk.

“We both loved her, and we both…” Emily curled her nails into her palm.

She felt Alison’s index and ring finger push in between the fist she’d made, trying to keep her from drawing blood with her nails. She loosened her hand and shot Alison an appreciative smile.

“And _what_ , Em?” She could see the crescent shaped indents on Emily’s palm where she’d nearly broken the skin.

 _We both let her down._ Emily thought to herself.

“We were both there…when she died.”

Alison felt a jolt of pain seize her. Emily had _watched_ her girlfriend die? Her jaw went slack in shock. _That’s_ what Emily had been carrying around inside all of this time?

“I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t…no one could…” She bit into her lip until she tasted blood. “It changes something inside of you, Alison. Seeing someone you love…watching the light disappear from their eyes.” She bit her tongue. “It’s the one time in my life I wished I _was_ blind. Because I’ll never forget the look on her face.”

Alison had no idea what to say to that. It was probably triggering as hell for Emily to talk about, and given what they’d learned about Ben today she was likely at a breaking point. She saw Emily flinch and then start to shut down again. Emily absentmindedly reached up and rubbed her palm against the back of her neck, like she was wiping away sweat. Alison didn’t miss the subconscious movement. She was rubbing her scar.

“Had it not been for her brother…” She gnawed on her lip. “I don’t think either one of us would have made it through without each other.” It was a bond that no one wanted, but that many people shared. “It’s just really complicated, Ali.”

“I understand complicated. Trust me.”

 _Not like this._ The brunette thought to herself.

“I know. I just didn’t want to drag you into it.” She moved her chin down, feeling defeated. But then she felt Alison’s fingers on her face.

“Hey.” Alison cupped her cheek. “You told me once that I never had to hide from you.” She looked at Emily’s eyes and her soft pointed facial features. “It goes both ways, sweetheart.” She placed an innocent kiss on her lips. “If you can’t talk about it right now, I understand. I just want you to know that when you’re ready to talk, I’ll listen. Because I love you and I’m here for you.”

Emily didn’t say anything at first. She felt like she was caught between two worlds. She had a perplexed look on her face. And just when the silence started to become too overwhelming for Alison and she started to say something, Emily bit her lip and sighed.

“After she died I took a bunch of pills.” Emily furrowed her brow, trying to let herself open up to her girlfriend. “I wasn’t trying to…” She winced. “I just wanted the pain to stop.”

“You OD’d?” Alison asked in surprise. She couldn’t help but think of all the close calls her brother had over the years, how close she’d come to losing him.

“Not intentionally. No.” Emily shook her head. “But they were so sure…” She licked her lips nervously. “ _Acute adolescent depression with suicidal tendencies._ ” She said with a tone a doctor might have.

“That’s why you wound up in a psych hold.” Alison realized, staring at Emily. How had she missed it? “Are you an addict?” She’d certainly never seen Emily exhibit the same behaviors that she saw in her addiction-riddled family.

“No.” Emily shook her head. “I don’t even like taking my prescriptions for my eyes and motion sickness. It was just one time. It was stupid and impulsive. And I just…I thought if I could numb it just enough it wouldn’t hurt for a little while. But I misjudged the dose.” She swallowed hard. “It stopped my heart.”

“You _died_?”

“No, they got me back after 30 seconds. I was out just long enough to terrorize everyone who loved me,” she said, her tone heavy with regret. She paused thoughtfully. “I saw her that night. Maya. Just briefly. A flash. She called me a stubborn idiot and told me to get my ass back home.”

Alison smiled. The more she learned about Maya the more she liked her. No wonder Emily had a thing for her.

“I woke up in a hospital room with doctors running around and my parents crying and just…complete chaos. But I didn’t do it on purpose. I would never do that to the people I love. You have to believe that. It was an accident.”

“I believe you.” Alison assured her. She paused and then added respectfully, “But I want you to promise me that if you _ever_ feel like that, you’ll come to me.”

“You sound just like Nate.” Emily shook her head with a sheepish laugh. “Maya’s brother.” She elaborated. “He…” She tried to dance around it, tried to find the right words, “…helps me when I’m struggling.”

“I had no idea you were dealing with this…” Alison sighed sadly.

“I’m not.” She replied nervously. “I mean, I don’t…not much anymore.”

The door to her past was opening more and more each day and she was on the verge of spilling it all. The overdose was just the tip of the iceberg. Alison might not be so understanding if she knew everything else. The guilt that had driven her to the overdose...

“Sweetie, you could have told me.” She touched Emily’s face. She saw her flinch and she blinked in surprise. Emily had never pulled away from her touch. She could tell that she felt exposed and vulnerable. “You can always tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s not that simple.” Emily admitted. “People who hold that kind of stuff inside…it’s not…it’s not exactly a conversation starter. Besides, it’s not like I planned it. I just made _one_ stupid decision. It was so hard to lose her.”

“I know.” Alison tried to relate, tried to understand.

“You know, I used to have these dreams about her.” Emily’s voice was quiet and shaky. It was hard for her to relive it. “And everything would be going fine. It was…it felt normal. Like normal life. We would be talking, grabbing a bite to eat, hanging out, and it felt real. But that’s the problem. It felt _real_. So I knew…even in my dreams I knew she was dead. And there would be this disconnect. And I would suddenly feel this overwhelming sadness. And then she was gone, and I’d spend the rest of my dream trying to find her, or begging to wake up.”

“That’s terrible.” Alison could feel her heartache.

“How fucked up is it that I can’t even see her in my dreams without realizing she’s dead? My subconscious couldn’t even let me have _that_ part of her alive.” Emily had tears burning her eyes. “Dreams are supposed to be a flight of fancy, but not for me…not when it comes to her. Every time I close my eyes I lose her all over again. Imagine what it feels like to be in the dark like that.”

Alison had no clue what to say. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what that had to feel like. Emily was holding so much inside.

“I spend the entire time I’m asleep searching for someone I know is dead. And I always feel so…” Emily nibbled her lip. “…lost. I _am_ lost.”

Alison took a thoughtful breath.

“But you’re not lost, Emily.” She took her hand while keeping her free palm on her cheek, so Emily could feel the closeness. She needed her to feel grounded. “You’re right here. You’re with me. And with Ace as our GPS I’m sure we’ll be found in no time.”

Emily marveled at Alison’s determination to keep her from going over the edge. Sometimes she forgot how much they meant to each other. It was easy to lose sight of the good things in life when you felt like you were drowning in the bad.

Emily moved forward and pushed a kiss against Alison’s lips, moving her hand to the nape of her neck. Alison pushed her body between Emily’s open legs, moving Emily further back against the desk. Her pelvis met Emily’s center as their lips moved together delicately. Her palms slipped underneath Emily’s shirt, gripping her sides. Her fingers splayed out against her stomach. She’d started to fill back out from her weight loss over the holidays. She felt Emily smile against her mouth. Alison pulled back just a few centimeters and breathed heavily against her face.

“You feel that, right?” Alison asked. “I _love_ you. There is nothing on Earth that could possibly change my mind about that. No matter what happens we will figure it out _together._ ”

Emily smiled back at her, taking a moment to catch her breath. She was truly lucky to have found Alison when she did. She couldn’t imagine her life without her now.

“I am so lucky to have you.” Emily ran her palm down over Alison’s hip.

“I’d argue it’s the other way around.” Alison shrugged.

Had Emily not come into her life Alison would probably still be the terrible human she’d been, cutting people down, making them feel little. There was no telling how many people she would have continued to hurt. She wouldn’t have known love. She wouldn’t have made friends. _Actual_ friends. Emily had changed her life in the best possible way.

“You pulled me out of the darkest part of my life,” Alison said with teary eyes. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” She ran her fingers through Emily’s hair. “It’s okay to feel broken.” She’d spent her entire life feeling like her existence was nothing more than fractured fragments. Emily had been the person who had pulled her out of it. She’d put her back together. And Alison was forever in her debt for it. “Acknowledging your pain doesn’t make you weak. It shows your soul.” Alison tried not to cry as she cupped her cheek with a smile. “And you have a beautiful soul, Em.”

Emily smiled. She hadn’t been expecting that reaction. She moved her hand up to touch Alison’s face. Something about touching her made her feel more grounded in reality.

“It’s only beautiful because you see the good in it.” Emily replied.

“Like I could see anything else?” Alison asked. Everything about her really was beautiful. “I didn’t know what that word even meant until I met you.”

“Stop.” Emily flushed in embarrassment.

“No, I mean it. Do you even realize what you mean to me? How important you are?”

Emily’s tears of pain and frustration morphed into a softer and more gentle feeling of comfort and joy. Alison rubbed her arm, carefully laying her palm against the back of Emily’s hand and taking it in hers.

“I had no idea you were hurting this much. You hide it so well.” Alison felt tears biting her eyes.

“I’m not hiding it.” Emily quickly replied, almost manically. “I’m moving past it. And that…it’s hard for me sometimes. Because I feel like I’m starting to forget her.”

“You said you dream about her?”

“Not as often as I used to, but yes.”

“Can I ask you something? A-about your dreams?”

“As long as you’re not going to ask me if I have sex dreams about her.” Emily lifted her brow teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

“You’re terrible, Emily Fields.” Alison bit her lip and laughed.

They laced their fingers together and the room fell silent again as Alison tried to work up the courage to ask Emily her question. She squeezed Emily’s hand before opening her mouth.

“Do you have nightmares about her dying?”

Emily sucked in a cold burst of air through her teeth and bit down. But she didn’t shy away from the question.

“I have.”

“Is that why…” Alison tried to figure out how she wanted to phrase the question. “The nightmares that you have…her death…is that why you can’t pull yourself out of them?”

Was she punishing herself?

“I mean, I guess that’s part of it.” Emily nodded.

“You had a nightmare a few weeks before we went on the cruise. At first, I thought it was about Ben…” They both stiffened at the mention of him. How the fuck was it possible that he might go free? “…but you were saying things. Things that didn’t make sense. You cried out for that little girl you used to babysit and you were mumbling about something you should or shouldn’t have done and how someone should be there…”

Emily knew exactly what she was talking about. It was right before she’d gone out to Baltimore the first time. She had been so emotionally messed up that day.

“It’s like something was hurting you. _Killing_ you.” Alison cringed at the thought of it, her fingers rolling over the scar on her neck. “You were afraid. _Really_ afraid. In a way I’ve never seen before.” She’d seen Emily shaken and she’d seen her vulnerable. But that nightmare had been on a different level. “I know I already asked you, but do you remember more of what happened in that nightmare? What were you so afraid of? Did someone do something to Maya? Did you see someone hurt her…kill her?”

Emily thought about it for a minute, but then she shook her head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t…I have so many different variations of bad dreams that they all kind of run together. And sometimes I don’t remember anything other than what it made me feel.”

And it was the truth. Her past and her present collided in many dark and twisted scenarios in her head.

“Everything about the night Maya died...it’s foggy. It’s like...looking through a shattered windshield.” She cringed. “And after the OD I really started to get things mixed up. I...I don’t remember.”

“When you were dreaming you kept saying that you needed to tell me something.”

Emily tried to keep a solid poker face. Inside she felt her stomach churning.

“Was it something about Maya, or…”

“I don’t know, Ali.” Her tone was sharp, but not angry.

Alison didn’t let up. She was determined to find out what was haunting her girlfriend, though she had a sneaking suspicion she knew what it was.

“You mentioned something else, too. You said something about it being your fault.”

 _“She blamed herself. I think she still does to some extent.”_ Hanna had said at Christmas. That hadn’t made sense until today. Emily was carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders.

_Survivor’s Guilt._

“You don’t…you don’t blame yourself for Maya’s death, do you?”

Emily lowered her head, sighing.

“Some days…” She paused thoughtfully, deciding not to lie. “Look, any time someone you love dies, it’s hard not to ask yourself what more you could have done. Or what you could have done differently. Or how someone’s life would be completely different if they’d never met you. The butterfly effect, I guess. Like, would that person be at the exact same spot in the exact same moment at a certain point in time if your paths hadn’t crossed?”

Emily struggled to figure out how to tell her how she felt without telling her _everything_. Though maybe she needed to just get it over with. She felt Alison squeeze her hand and she squeezed back.

“The theory of infinite universes,” Emily said.

“Huh?”

“Think of the world as kind of like a bubble. And each time someone makes a choice another bubble forms, and each time someone makes a choice in that _new_ bubble more bubbles form. It just keeps expanding. And outcomes are different in every single universe. For all we know, you and I could be queens in one of those universes.”

“We’re queens in this one,” Alison didn’t miss a beat.

Emily laughed unexpectedly.

“The point is, sometimes there are days I feel like she’d still be alive if I’d never come into the picture,” Emily admitted.

“Never think that. I can’t imagine anyone whose life hasn’t been made better because you were in it.”

Emily had changed her life completely. She was a better person since she’d come along. Alison couldn’t picture a life without her.

A ringing noise filled the air. Emily straightened up when she heard the ringtone.

“That’s my mom,” she said quietly. “I have to go. I have an ophthalmology appointment this afternoon.”

“Call me when you get home?”

“I promise.” Emily nodded, standing up, moving Alison back with her motions. “Will you let me know if you hear anything else about Ben?”

“Spencer and I are on it.” Alison assured her. “If there is even the slightest chance that they take the shackles off I’ll mow him down with my car.”

“Aw, you’d commit vehicular homicide for me?” Emily cooed. That was so sweet.

“Duh, Emily.” Alison laughed. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Alison walked Emily out to the parking lot, where Pam was waiting. She waved to Alison when she saw the girls approaching. But she seemed tense. More tense than normal. Then again, Alison knew that Pam hated going to Emily’s eye appointments more than Emily did. Plus, if what they’d found out about Ben was true she had an entirely different reason to look so uptight.

Alison watched Emily walk out to the car and climb into the back seat with Ace. She shut the door and then turned to say something to her mother. Pam smiled and waved at Alison before driving off.

Alison felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. There was a strange energy in the air. She didn’t used to be attuned to the world around her, but ever since she’d started going out with Emily she picked up on more. She was more vulnerable to feeling things on an otherworldly level. And she had a terrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. Soon.

And Ben getting out of prison was the worst thing she could think of. She grabbed her phone to call Spencer for what had to be the thirtieth time that day. She’d been pestering her at practice, but Spencer insisted she still hadn’t heard back from her mom.

They didn’t find out anything for sure until they were two days into their spring break. Ben’s lawyer had officially asked to appeal to the court on Ben’s behalf, citing good behavior in prison. His attorney was really nailing home that this was his first offense. Even worse, the judge was considering early release. It made Alison irate. His _first_ offense should have been his last, yet they were considering letting the monster back into the world.

When Emily found out she was oddly calm about it, so much so that her friends worried that she was in denial. Of course, they didn’t know she had bigger things on her plate. Hanna was the only one she’d confided in.

Alison was angry enough for the both of them. Emily couldn’t let her concerns about Ben interfere with her plans to go back to Baltimore. She had to have her head on straight when she saw Nate again. So she spent her days with Alison looking at the positive things they had in their lives.

They went swimming at Spring Cove. They went out to eat at the French Restaurant that Alison had brought to Emily at their first lunch. They went to the park. They went hiking. They cuddled on the couch and watched movies. They spent every waking moment together, and that was enough to settle both of their nerves. They balanced each other perfectly.

Sometimes when the two of them were together it felt like time was at a standstill. Like the universe existed for only them. They were perfectly happy seeing where the days took them. They could be cliff-diving one day and then laid out lazily on a picnic blanket in the park two hours later.

The day before Emily planned to leave town she was sitting out on a bench at the park listening to an audio book for a paper she had to do for her English class. Alison was lying down, her head in Emily’s lap, eyes closed, listening to the sounds of the birds. Sometimes she wanted to see the world like Emily saw it. She saw things with her heart, and it was eye-opening.

Emily pulled one of her earbuds out of her ear and paused the recorder. She sat silently in thought for a few seconds and then addressed Alison.

“Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people?”

“What?” Alison asked in surprise. She shot up out of Emily’s lap. Her face crinkled in confusion and concern. “What brought that on? Are you not happy with me?”

Had she pushed too hard asking about Maya and her past? Emily had been weird all week, but she’d hoped it was just because of Ben’s potential release.

“Oh, God no.” Emily shook her head. “No, Ali. It’s for this opinion piece I have to write. It’s worth half my grade.”

“Oh,” Alison said in relief.

“How could you possibly think I don’t love you?” Emily laughed.

“I don’t know.” Alison shrugged. “I guess I’m a little insecure.” She admitted. “You’re so gorgeous.” She moved a strand of Emily’s hair away from her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. “And I know plenty of people who would want to be with you if you weren’t with me. I mean, I would eviscerate them before they got the chance, but…”

“I only see you, Alison.” Emily assured her. “Well, figuratively.”

“Why are you even doing homework? Didn’t anyone tell you we’re on vacation from school this week?” Alison teased her.

“I’m behind,” she explained. “Plus it’s a good distraction for me to keep me from thinking about what Ben and his lawyer are trying to pull.”

Alison’s cheeks burned in anger. That the psycho-boy might get released was everything that was wrong with the justice system and more. While Emily had taken the passive approach, turning inward, Alison had been more…vocal. Violent thoughts crossed her mind almost every morning when she woke up. How she could make him suffer. How she could pay people to make him disappear. How she could have him kidnapped and held in a tiny little hole somewhere way far away from her girl. Or how she could murder him and get away with it.

“What’s the topic?” Alison questioned, looking at Emily’s reading device.

“ _The Great Gatsby_.” She held up the tablet with the audio book cover on her screen. “I’ve never read it before. I really can’t stand any of the characters.”

“Yeah, they’re all really vapid and I mean…I didn’t hate them, but I didn’t care about them either. And the love triangle? Don’t even get me started.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Daisy didn’t really love Tom. And Tom didn’t really love her either, otherwise he wouldn’t have had a woman on the side. Tom was a consolation prize because Daisy didn’t know how to be with Gatsby. She was in love with the idea of wealth and _maybe_ the idea of being in love with love. She was kind of a gold-digging whore.”

Emily snorted out a laugh.

“I don’t think I can characterize her in _quite_ those terms in this report.”

“I’ve just never understood how people get so caught up in these stupid love triangles. Because how can you have two choices in love and not know which one you truly want? It’s like…having two choices on a menu and closing your eyes and pointing randomly because you can’t decide. And then you end up disliking what you randomly picked and trading it for the thing you wanted all along. Why not just cut to the chase? Pick what you want in the first place.”

“You really think love is that simple?”

Alison had had people throwing themselves at her feet, groveling for her affection since she was practically a child. But now that she had Emily she would throw all those groveling suitors away in a heartbeat. There was no other option for her.

“I do. There is never a choice when you’re truly in love with someone.”

Emily knew that was going to be her response. And she loved her for it.

“All this talk about literature while we’re supposed to be on vacation from using our brains is annoying. If we _have_ to do something related to school let’s go dress shopping for the prom instead.” Alison suggested.

“I already told you, the girls are all planning to go next week.”

“But that’s so far away.” Alison whined. “Can’t we just go peek in the windows?”

“You sound like such a child right now.” Emily laughed.

“Whatever, you know you love me.” Alison curled into her body, Emily’s arm automatically wrapping around her to pull her closer.

“You’re so warm.” Emily smiled. Soaking in the sun had really made Alison’s skin sizzle.

“Because I’m sitting next to the hottest girl on the planet.”

“Suck up.” Emily kissed her. “Still not taking you dress shopping. We promised the girls we’d go together.”

“It can be our little secret?” She was just dying to see Emily all dressed up.

“How about instead we go back to my place for a while? My mom isn’t supposed to be home until five…”

Before Emily could finish, Alison was yanking her to her feet and practically dragging her towards her car. The dog could barely even keep up.

She ran two red-lights and a stop sign before pulling into Emily’s driveway. They’d barely gotten through the front door before Alison grabbed Emily’s face and pulled her in for a kiss, their mouths slipping open, their tongues clashing. Emily backed into the house with Alison pushing her forward. Emily dropped Ace’s leash. Alison kicked the door closed behind them. She felt a tension in her muscles and grumbled under her breath.

“You okay?” Emily asked through their heated pecks.

“Mmhmm, must have pulled something on our hike the other day. Couch or bedroom?” Alison pulled her tank top off, leaving her in her thin pink lacy sports bra.

“Bedroom.” Emily grinned. “Don’t ask stupid questions, Alison.” She teased.

“Yes, ma’am.” Alison giggled, tossing her tank top aside.

It landed on Ace’s head. He looked less than amused. They all but tumbled into the bedroom, Alison pushing Emily towards the bed. Emily felt her knees hit the back of her mattress. Alison sprang off of the floor, wrapping her arms around Emily’s neck and her legs around Emily’s hips. She heard Emily grunt and she broke their kiss.

“Too much?” Alison questioned.

Emily just grinned smugly at her and turned around so that Alison’s back was facing the bed.

“Not at all.” She managed to toss Alison backwards on to the bed. The blonde couldn’t help but huff out a laugh.

Emily pulled her top off and crawled on top of Alison. Alison slid her palms against her sides until her thumbs hit the underside of Emily’s bra. Their lips met again in another crashing kiss as their legs tangled together, their thighs brushing each other in a rhythmic motion.

Alison moved her pelvis into Emily’s movements, moaning into her mouth. Emily did things to her when they touched. Unexplainable otherworldly things. Emily moved to the side of her neck, nipping against her skin, making Alison jump. Alison ran her fingers through Emily’s thick hair, moving her palm around to the nape of her neck. She felt Emily playfully bite down on her skin.

 _Two can play that game._ Alison thought to herself. She wrapped an arm around Emily’s lower back and then pushed forward, moving them so that she was on top. Emily laughed when her back hit the mattress.

“You are too easy, Alison.” Emily teased.

“We’ll see about that.” Alison moved down to kiss her, pushing her tongue in between Emily’s lips.

She moved her hand down in between their thighs and squeezed on Emily’s inner thigh, which always made Emily melt. Emily pulled on Alison’s lip and smiled in approval. Alison pecked a line of light feathery kisses down along her jaw and pressed her lips against her throat just as a little noise rumbled in Emily’s throat. Alison could feel the vibration reverberating off of her lips. It was one of the hottest things she’d ever felt.

Alison moved down to kiss Emily’s tattoo, lingering over it with her lips. Then she kissed her bare stomach. She saw Emily’s abdominal muscles twitch, and felt them move underneath her mouth.

Just as she was moving back up to meet Emily’s lips she felt a tightness in her back, like a spasm. She grunted and then muttered uncomfortably. Emily noticed immediately. Alison cringed and rotated her shoulder.

“Hey, are you sure everything is okay?” Emily sat up, taking Alison with her with the motion.

“I’m just feeling a little stiff. I think I was sprawled out on that bench too long.” Alison rubbed her neck.

“Here, let me.” Emily wiggled out from underneath her and moved her to turn around.

She ran her fingers along Alison’s back. She could feel the tension in her muscles. She slowly started working out the knots and kinks.

“Mmm, that feels good, Em.” Alison leaned back so that her head was resting against Emily’s shoulder.

Emily moved to her arms. Strangely, they were just as tense. Emily frowned. She was starting to think the tension was more than just sitting on an old bench.

When Alison fell asleep in the middle of the massage Emily knew immediately it was more. She was getting sick with something. Her body felt warmer than usual. Emily sighed. How was she supposed to leave town when Alison was sick and needed her? What kind of horrible girlfriend was she?

Alison shifted in her arms, rubbing her face against her exposed flesh. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire. Emily delicately moved her palm up to Alison’s forehead, trying to gauge if she had a fever. Alison moved in her unconsciousness, wrapping her arm lazily around Emily and snuggling against her. Emily dipped down to kiss her head. As much as she loved spending time with her, she wasn’t going to wake her. She knew Alison needed the rest. So she let her sleep for a little while, holding her…holding on to the serenity while she could.

* * *

 **A/N:** _I know the anticipation is killer. We’re very close (like 2-3 chapters away, depending on how I split them) to getting EVERYTHING out in the open. Thank you for hanging in there with me. And as far as depression/suicide/OD’ing goes, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say...if you are someone who struggles with the darkest part of their mind, and you feel lost I am always here. And there are resources out there and people who care. I know it’s hard, but reach out. Keep your beautiful ass in this world, okay?_


	23. See It Through

**A/N:** _I struggled with this chapter a little bit because I often feel like I get too wordy and the chapters get too long winded. This was initially two chapters, but we’re getting down to the wire here and there is a lot going on in terms of balancing the plot. There is a lot that’s about to go down in just a few short chapters. The pace is going to vary. And I apologize for that._

* * *

  **Chapter 23:**

**See it Through**

Emily laid perfectly still, just listening to the sounds of Alison’s breaths. She could feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slept. She ran her palm over Alison’s forehead and moved her fingers down against her cheeks. She could feel her fever. Her face tightened in concern.

Half an hour before her mom got home she knew she had to wake her sleeping girlfriend. When Emily gently jostled her and told her that her mother would be home soon Alison shot up immediately. She groaned. Her bones felt stiff.

“Oh my God. I fell asleep?” Alison rubbed her face.

She regretted it. She regretted every second she wasn’t awake and spending time with Emily. Then again, sleeping in her arms felt nice.

“It’s okay.” Emily assured her. “You needed the rest. I think you might be coming down with something.”

“Doubtful. I haven’t been sick since I was in diapers. Something in my genes has to offset all the drugs and alcohol that run through my family’s veins.” She snorted sarcastically.

But later that night, she was eating her words. Because Emily had been right. She felt like shit. She’d barely even had it in her to verbally spar with Jason. When Emily called to check on her and say goodnight Alison answered the phone with a pitiful,

_“You were right.”_

The fever hit its peak in the middle of the night. She was sweaty and uncomfortable and everything ached.

The next morning she was certain she was dying. She hadn’t been sick in a long time, so she felt extremely whiny about everything in life. Trivial things bothered her. Birds chirping. Car doors slamming. The sounds of construction. She hated life and everything about it.

At the Fields house, Emily was up and making her a simple homemade soup her mother always made for her when she wasn’t feeling well. She had gathered some of Alison’s favorite movies and had gone by the market to pick up a bouquet of Alison’s favorite flowers.

Alison had told her last night she didn’t want Emily fawning over her. She made it sound like she was asserting her independence, but they both knew it was because she was afraid she’d give Emily whatever illness was plaguing her. But Emily didn’t care. She had to see her before leaving town.

She was packing up the soup to go in a spill-proof container and loading it up with all the other gifts when she heard approaching footsteps.

“Hey, you’re up early.” Pam walked into the kitchen to start the coffee-maker.

She’d heard Emily making breakfast and made the assumption that she was just getting an early start to her day. But when she saw that the breakfast foods were severely lacking and that her crockpot was in the sink to be washed she realized that Emily hadn’t cooked an ordinary meal. She did see a plate of eggs, toast, and sausage in the microwave, covered by a warming sleeve.

“You whipped all of this up?” Pam opened the microwave.

“Well, I wasn’t going to make something for my best girl and forget about my best mom.” Emily smiled.

The truth is, she’d done it out of guilt. Doing nice things always made her feel less crappy about laying big hard truths on them.

“Something wrong with Alison?” Pam asked curiously as she looked at the container of what looked like her grandmother’s signature soup. She’d been making it with Emily since she was a toddler.

“She’s not feeling well. She had a fever last night. Hanna and I are going to swing by her place so I can drop off a few things for her.”

“Oh, honey, that’s so sweet. And I know you want to be there for her, but if she has something contagious you should keep your distance.”

“We’re just dropping a few things off,” Emily assured her. “It’s not like we’re going to hang around and share her toothbrush or something. She’ll probably kick us out after all of ten seconds. She hates it when she doesn’t look her best.”

Pam had to laugh. It was cute that Alison wanted to look her best for Emily even though Emily didn’t care, and couldn’t see, what she looked like.

“Besides, Hanna and I have that appointment across town with that spa she’s been dying to try.”

“That’s right.” Pam nodded her head absentmindedly. “I forgot about your girls day today. Ashley says Hanna has been looking forward to it for weeks.”

Emily smiled, trying to keep a solid expression on her face. She felt sick to her stomach about how much planning had gone into keeping her mom from finding out. She planned on talking to her parents after her trip to see Nate.

“I’m glad you’re doing something for yourself. With everything that’s happened you deserve some relaxation. Especially with _that boy_ …” She refused to call Ben by his name, “getting off so easy.”

He was getting out at the end of the month and she was furious. She had half a mind to have Wayne call up one of his military friends to take care of him the second he got out. She shook her head, her face red in anger.

“Five months.” She scoffed. “As if that’s going to change who he is. This early parole…it’s a damn joke.” She fumed. “If he even steps one foot within the boundaries of the restraining order I’ll take care of him myself.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, mom. I really do. But I can fight my own battles.”

“I don’t like this ruling one bit.” Pam frowned.

“Well, there’s nothing we can do.” Emily shrugged uncomfortably. She had a lot on her plate and thinking about Ben just made it worse.

Pam smiled softly at her daughter, reaching out to touch her cheek. Her little girl was all grown up. And she was so proud of who she’d become.

“You need any money for the spa?” She asked.

“No. We’re good.” Emily felt guilty enough. She didn’t need to take her mother’s money, too.

“You’ll have to let me know how it is. Ashley and I were talking about making an appointment for ourselves one day.”

“Just go easy on the wine or you might end up swan-diving naked into a mud pool or something.” Emily teased her.

“You’re a rotten child.” Pam kissed the top of her head, making sure to mess up some of her hair. Emily laughed.

“You raised me.”

“Well, then I should give myself a talking to.” Pam walked back over to the coffee machine.

“Hey, did you talk to Mrs. Hastings yet?” Emily questioned.

Pam made a face that thankfully her daughter couldn’t see.

“I went by her office yesterday at lunch.”

“Did she notarize it?” Emily asked.

Her mother sighed.

“She did.” Pam replied.

There was a beat of silence and then Emily bit her lip,

“You don’t think there’s a chance she’d let it slip to Spencer…” Who would tell Alison before Emily was ready to tell her…

“No. One thing I’ve learned about Veronica Hastings since getting to know her is that she’s very professional. She’ll be discreet.” Pam promised. Her expression tightened. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

What she wanted was for people to stop asking her if it’s what she wanted.

“It is.”

“Well, your father and I trust your judgment. You know that.”

Emily had to bite down on her tongue to keep from making a face and saying, _“well, you shouldn’t.”_

“You know it’s all just a formality.” Emily assured her. “I’m not going to run off and start making wild choices without you.”

Except the one she was making today. But after that, she was going to open the floor up for debate.

“Of course.” Pam said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “We did raise you after all.”

“Yeah, don’t forget to lecture yourself for that.” Emily smiled. “I’m going to go take a quick shower and then get changed. You enjoy your breakfast. And just leave your dish in the sink. I’ll clean up before I leave.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll clean up.”

Emily laughed softly. Of course she would. Pam Fields couldn’t stand the sight of a dirty kitchen. She would probably clean up _before_ she ate the breakfast Emily had prepared for her.

Emily got ready to go see Alison and then grabbed her things. She’d already packed an overnight bag earlier in the week. It was in Hanna’s car. Her mother thought she was staying the night with her friends. It wasn’t _entirely_ a lie. She _would_ be with Hanna. They just wouldn’t be at Hanna’s house…or in the state.

But before she left she had to make sure her girlfriend was going to be okay. She already felt terrible for keeping the truth about her trip from her. The fact that she was sick was weighing heavily on her conscience. Despite her mother’s warnings to keep her distance, she wanted nothing more than to spoon-feed Alison soup and hold her while she slept off her chills.

“Where is she?” Emily asked after Jason let her in.

“She’s quarantined herself in her room.” He waited on Ace to guide her inside before he closed the door. “She’s convinced she’s turning into a zombie.” He scoffed, taking the soup, movies, and flowers out of Emily’s hands.

“Can I see her?”

“Go for it. But enter at your own risk. She might throw something at your head.”

That was a risk she was willing to take. She slowly made her way up the stairs and into Alison’s room. She knocked lightly before entering.

“Jason, I told you, no more ginger ale.” Alison mumbled when she heard her door creaking open.

“How about a cup of your girlfriend instead?” Emily asked.

Alison rolled over and looked at her.

“Hey.” Emily walked in, Ace leading her. “How are you feeling?”

“Em?” At first she thought she was hallucinating her, but then she felt the bed move when Emily sat down against the edge. “Em, you shouldn’t be here.”

“I brought you some soup. Jason is heating it up for you.” Emily reached out, her hand grazing Alison’s forehead.

“Don’t,” Alison pushed her hand away, “you’ll get sick.”

“I was already exposed to it yesterday. Or did you forget about our little make-out session?”

“Could you be more specific? I make out with a lot of hot girls.” Alison smirked.

“Jackass.” Emily shook her head with a laugh.

“Mmm, I thought I dreamed yesterday.” Alison smiled. “That’s what you are to me. A dream.”

Emily smiled and put her hand back on Alison’s forehead.

“Hmm.” Emily frowned. “You still have a fever?”

“It’s coming down. But I feel like a used sweat sock in a sauna.” Alison grimaced. “I look hideous.” She could feel the sticky sweat drenching her clothes.

“I’m sure that’s not true.” Emily stroked her cheek.

Alison didn’t want her to get sick, but she didn’t have it in her to pull away from Emily’s touch.

“No. Seriously. You’d probably run away screaming if you saw me right now.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing I can’t see.” Emily smiled.

“Being sick sucks.” Alison groaned.

“Yeah. It does.” Emily pushed her sweat-soaked hair aside, a worried frown on her face. She honestly didn’t care if she got sick. “I think I’m going to cancel my trip and hang out with you instead.”

Though Nate would have a lot to say about that. So would Hanna. And her mother would be livid.

“No.” Alison shook her head. “Don’t do that. I’ll be fine. Jason will be here.”

“Still.” Emily’s brow creased in concern.

“I wouldn’t be good company.” Alison tried to give her a smile, but it came out as a grimace.

“I doubt I was good company when I was seasick on our cruise, but you stayed with me.”

Alison hadn’t left her side. She’d held her hair while she puked. If that wasn’t love, Emily wasn’t sure what was.

“That was different,” Alison mumbled.

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“Because…” Alison drifted off. She stared at Emily’s face. The dizzying disillusion of the fever created a bright humming glow around her. She looked like an angel. “You’re so gorgeous.”

“Not exactly your strongest argument.” Emily took her hand. Alison squeezed it. “I’m not leaving you while you need me.” She smiled sweetly at her. “I can be just as stubborn you are.”

“On the cruise…you weren’t contagious. I _am_. I don’t want you to get sick. You just got to feeling better. It took you forever to readjust to being back on land. You should go.” Alison yawned, pulling away from Emily’s touch. “I’m fine. I promise. Go do your family thing.”

“Maybe _you’re_ my family thing.” Emily replied.

“No, I’m being serious. I’m at the tail end of this fever. I’ll be up and moving around later.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No buts. Don’t make me have Jason throw you out.”

“Like he stands a chance against me?” Emily teased.

“Emily…”

Emily knew that tone. She knew that Alison was being serious with her. She wanted more than anything to stay by her side. If not just to be there for her, but to avoid what she didn’t want to do.

“Okay. Okay.” She relented.

She knew Alison was right. There wasn’t much she could do other than get herself sick.

“I’ll call you. We can spend time together on the phone instead. That way I’m not getting my germs all over you.”

“Okay.” Emily nodded. “I’ll be back soon.” She leaned forward, her lips touching Alison’s overheated forehead.

“Emily Fields, do you have a death wish?” Alison frowned. “Make sure you wash those lips with soap and water.”

Emily chuckled. She started to stand up.

“Em?” She reached out and touched her arm.

“I’m here.”

“Thank you for checking on me.” She pat Emily’s forearm. “You’re a good girlfriend.”

Emily tried to hide her guilty expression.

“Go bathe yourself in bleach,” Alison suggested. “And have a safe trip. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Feel better, okay?”

It felt like hell prying herself away from her sick girlfriend, but she somehow managed to get downstairs. She heard Jason walking out of the kitchen.

“She kick you out?” He asked.

“What do you think?” Emily laughed.

Jason glanced at the heated bowl of soup in his hands and then back at Emily.

“This was really thoughtful of you,” he said.

“What can I say? I love her.” Emily shrugged sheepishly.

“You know, I’ve never seen her happier than I have with you. I’m glad she has you, Emily.”

“I’m glad she has you, too.” Emily felt a genuine rush of appreciation for his words.

She and Jason didn’t talk much. She suspected it had to do with the fact that he looked at her and couldn’t help but think of Jenna, which she understood. But he’d always been nothing but nice to her, despite what her cousin had done to him.

“Need a ride home?” He asked.

“No. Hanna is waiting outside for me.”

“Let me guess, Hanna thought she’d catch Alison’s cooties?” Jason chuckled.

He wasn’t entirely wrong, but that wasn’t the only reason…

“Alison would have killed me if I let anyone see her without her face painted on.”

“Wise move.” Jason nodded.

Emily moved towards the door. She paused when she reached for the doorknob.

“Take care of her, Jason.” _She’s precious cargo._

“Always have.” Jason assured her.

“You can call me if she needs anything.”

They said their goodbyes and Emily and Ace walked outside. Hanna was talking on her phone. She saw Emily coming and got out and opened the back door to help her get Ace situated for their road trip. Emily climbed in the front seat and Hanna got in the driver’s seat.

“How is she?” Hanna asked, putting her seat belt on.

“Looking a little rough, but still as sassy as ever.” Emily buckled her belt. “So, where are we on the parental front? You good to go?”

“The round robin worked,” Hanna said, putting the car into gear. “My mom and your mom both think we’re having a girls spa day and then staying at Aria’s place tonight. And since Aria’s parents are out of town she’s going to cover for us.”

“I hate lying to my parents.” Emily clenched her jaw. “They’re going to freak.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “God, how is this happening again?”

Hanna could see how jittery Emily was. She reached across the console and put her hand on Emily’s shaking fingers. Emily smiled appreciatively at her.

They didn’t talk much on the drive to Baltimore. It was only when Emily was getting ready to meet up with him that she started to freak out. She damn near had a panic attack when they were leaving the motel.

“This feels wrong. I should have stayed with Alison. She’s sick. She needs me. We should go back to Rosewood.” She clenched the door handle of the car. “I want to go home.”

“You can’t avoid this, Emily. And besides, the last thing you need right now is the flu.” She saw Emily mindlessly picking at her nails, and she stopped her. “Hey, you can do this. You’ve done it before. You managed last time.”

She squeezed Hanna’s hand, but she was trying too hard to get her breathing under control to respond.

“You’re not alone. You’ve got me.” Hanna assured her. “And Nate. And your parents and Alison will come around as soon as they find out. You’ve got this, Em.”

That’s all she needed to hear to settle her fears. So when she met up with Maya’s brother half an hour later she found the courage to get through everything without completely breaking down.

After they’d both gathered their thoughts he gently put his hand on top of Emily’s.

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know. Last time was…” She swallowed hard and fought back tears.

“I know,” he said in understanding. “I remember.” He paused thoughtfully. “Do you regret it?”

“No.” Emily didn’t even hesitate before answering.

“Well, I’m not going to force you into anything. Whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”

“Always the diplomat.” Emily laughed softly. “You have a say in this, too, you know.”

“I don’t. Not really. It’s your call. All I can do is offer my advice.”

“Which is what, exactly?”

He took another thoughtful pause.

“Emily, you’re so young…”

“Sounds suspiciously like the last time we had this conversation.” Emily’s lips curved into a slight smile. “The only thing missing is Maya kicking me in the shins and bossing me around.”

“You got off lucky. She threw a bottle of hand sanitizer at my head and berated me.” They both laughed. His face relaxed. He had a strange serene expression in his eyes. “If it helps, I know exactly what Maya would say.”

“Same thing as before.” Emily nodded. “Second verse as same as the first.” She sighed. “God, she would be so pissed at me for screwing this up.”

“Hey, you didn’t screw anything up. This is not your fault,” he squeezed her fingers. “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine.”

“Excuse me, there’s only room for one person and their self-sacrificial bullshit in this, and that’s me.” Emily gave him a hard time.

“No. This one is on me. I let you both down.”

“That’s not true.” Emily squeezed his hand back. “This isn’t your fault either. And as far as Maya goes…your sister worshipped the ground you walked on. Trust me, I heard about it enough. Even when she was pissed at you she adored you.”

She heard him clear his throat, fighting back his tears.

“It’s so weird that we’re back where we started,” she said, lost in thought.

“ _There But For The Grace of God…_ ”

“Didn’t Maya throw a bible at your head when you said that to her once?”

“She threw a lot at my head. It’s how she showed love.”

“I still can’t believe she’s gone.” Emily bit down on her lip. “And I ran off and fell in love with someone else.” A girl she’d been lying to since day one.

“You deserve happiness, Emily,” he said. “How is Alison?”

“On my ass about buying a dress.” Emily laughed. “I asked her to prom.”

“Oh, did you do one of those fancy promposal things?”

“No. I just asked her like a normal person,” Emily said sarcastically. “Of course I went all out for her.” She smiled just thinking about her.

“Have you talked to her yet?”

“I told her about the overdose. And she knows about the anxiety and the nightmares.”

“Does she know about me? About Maya?”

“I mentioned that you and I stay in touch…”

“Em, it’s a little more than that…”

“I know. It’s been hard letting myself open up about it. I told her a little about Maya, but not how she died or…or that I…” She sighed. “I know I have to tell her.” She tried to starve off her tears. “But how do I explain this to her without her hating me?”

She’d kept it from her for so long. Emily knew that Alison had given her her heart. And she’d screwed up so badly by not being honest from the start. Alison hadn’t asked for this life. Emily might not have a choice, but Alison certainly did.

“Just be honest with her. You’re not going to be able live with yourself if you don’t lay it out there and you lose her because of it.”

Emily was starting to wonder if Alison’s life would be better off without her in it.

“Besides, Maya would want you to move on and live your life,” he said.

That hit a soft spot in Emily.

“We don’t get to know that for sure, because she’s gone.” She swallowed hard. “If it hadn’t been for me…”

“Don’t.” He stopped her. “Emily, what happened to her is not on you. And I’m tired of you blaming yourself for it. It was _my_ job to protect you both. I made a decision that day. And I still stand by it. And you and I…we may not be related by blood, but we’re family. And I saw you…and I saw her…” He sighed. “I made a judgment call. And she died. And it hurts. And it sucks. But I don’t regret it. And neither should you. We’re alive. It has nothing to do with anything _you_ did. It’s just the luck of the draw. If anyone should feel guilty here, it’s me.”

“Oh, so we’re back to blaming you again?”

“Yes.”

“Marvelous.” She smarted back. She sighed. “I’m sorry. I feel like every time we get together it becomes a game of self-destruction of who can hate themselves the most. I need to be better about that.”

“It’s an unending journey,” he said quietly. He was guilty of doing the same thing.

“Well, the start of the journey really fucking sucked.” Emily laughed darkly. “But…I’m glad I’m on that road with you.”

“Me too.” He nodded.

There was a beat of silence.

“I miss her.” Emily sighed.

“I know,” he replied softly. “I do, too.”

She reached out for the glass of water he’d grabbed for her when she got there. She sipped it. She could hear the ice clinking against the cup. She had just put the cup down when she heard her phone jingling. It was Alison’s ringtone.

“That’s Alison. She’s home sick.” Emily frowned. She shouldn’t have left her. She should have stayed with her. Alison wouldn’t have left her by herself.

“Nothing serious, is it?”

“I think it’s the flu.” She grabbed the phone from her pocket. “God, I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is so hard. If it was just me…”

He could see how tired she was and how much she was struggling.

“Hey, just take some time to think it over,” he said. “Why don’t you have Hanna come pick you up and take you back to the motel to get some rest? We’ll meet up in a little while and come up with a plan. Then afterwards we can have dinner with Lily. It’s tater-tot night, so she’s already excited. If you showed up I think she’d be over the moon.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “I’d like that.” She moved her fingers over the answer button protruding on the side of her phone. “I need to get this.”

“Take your time.”

She heard him standing up to walk away.

“Hey you.” Emily answered. “Everything okay? How do you feel?”

“Fever broke a few hours ago.” She sounded tired, but otherwise like she was starting to bounce back. “I’m starting to feel a little better. What about you? Was your trip okay?”

“Yeah.”

“The news says it’s raining there,” Alison said.

Emily paused before she answered, because it wasn’t raining in Baltimore. It was raining in Delaware, which is where Alison thought she was.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.” _Alison, there is so much I need to tell you._ But she didn’t. Instead she piled more lies on top of the growing heap. “Hey, we’re just getting settled at the motel. Let me get situated and then I’ll give you a call back.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Alison said. “For reference though, picture me in a really hot cocktail dress with an old fashioned telephone holding a glass of wine in my hand sitting on my couch and _not_ me sitting in my bed with an empty can of ginger ale sweating in two day old fuzzy pajamas with bunnies on them.”

“What?” Emily huffed out a laugh.

She couldn’t imagine Alison wearing anything that would lower her social status, and bunny pajamas would _definitely_ lower her social status.

“Are you sure the fever broke? You’re not delusional, are you?”

“Tell anyone and die. I won’t even let Jason in.” Alison laughed. “Just call me when you get situated. I’ll be here.”

“Love you.” She really did. She loved her so much. She had to wonder if Alison would still love her after she found out everything she’d been keeping from her.

“Love you, too.”

After she hung up she called Hanna to come pick her up. The motel wasn’t far, so it didn’t take Hanna long to get there.

“That was a quick visit,” Hanna said in uncertainty when she opened the door to put Ace in the back.

“I’m coming back later.” Emily explained.

“I’m kind of hungry. Want to grab something for lunch? That Thai place a few blocks away looked good.”

“I actually kind of just want to have a little bit of time to myself to think.” Emily shook her head.

“Say no more.”

She didn’t. Neither one of them did. Hanna knew when Emily needed her space. A few minutes later they pulled into the motel parking lot.

“Want me to pick something up for you?” Hanna questioned.

“No, I’ve got some leftovers in the room.”

“Stale two year old cheese crackers from the vending machine does not count as a meal.” Hanna scowled at her.

Emily laughed as she opened the door.

“No, I brought a peanut butter sandwich and some pretzels from home.” She climbed out.

Hanna leaned back and unhooked Ace’s harness just as Emily opened the door for him. He hopped out.

“Call me if you need anything,” Hanna said.

“Thanks.”

She made her way to their room and then collapsed on to one of the twin beds. She leaned up against the pillows and crossed her feet at her ankles and sat in silence for a few minutes. She took several meditation breaths, which is something her therapist had been teaching her to do for when she felt overwhelmed.

She felt like she was wandering aimlessly in the same circle, like an old senile dog past her prime. She was almost eighteen, and she felt like she was a hundred. She had so much weighing her down that she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to pull herself back up.

After she’d gotten her thoughts in order she reached for her phone. And she called her girlfriend.

They had only been talking for a few minutes when Alison called attention to the fact that something wasn’t right.

“You sound tired, Em.”

“You sound sexy.” Emily tried to change the subject, trying not to giggle picturing her in fuzzy bunny pajamas.

“Yeah?” Alison questioned with intrigue. She smirked, an idea in mind. “ _How_ sexy?”

“Huh?”

“How badly do wish we could be in the same room right now?”

For a fraction of a second Emily’s mind went into a panic. What if Alison had done some crazy romantic grand gesture and driven out to Delaware to surprise her? She’d find out that she wasn’t there. But then Alison added,

“What if I told you that I was sitting in my bed, my hand in my pajama bottoms…”

“In your fuzzy bunny pajamas?”

“I changed just for you,” Alison said, her voice sounding husky from a mixture of her seductive tone and her stuffy nose. “I showered and put on my favorite candy apple red lace teddy nightgown and I’m just waiting for you.”

“You’re joking, right?” Emily felt her chest starting to heave at the image.

“Tell me what you see right now, Emily.”

Alison had painted a pretty fucking clear picture for her. She could imagine her splayed out against the bed in her lingerie beckoning Emily to come forward with her index finger.

Emily still didn’t respond. They’d never done this before. They’d had quirky conversations and sent suggestive texts, but nothing this involved. She was too stunned to respond, but she could feel her insides pulsing.

“What are you waiting for? This body is not going to touch itself.” Alison teased.

“Are you being for real right now?” Emily asked, her breath coming out in a strange hushed tone.

“You tell me.” And Emily could _hear_ the sultry nuance in her tone. And she could _see_ Alison dipping her fingers into her panties. “What. Do. You. See?” Alison repeated, slower this time.

Emily bit her lip. They were really doing this?

“You…” Emily answered.

_There’s my girl._ Alison thought to herself.

“…giving me a seductive look and lowering a strap on your nightgown, teasing me…”

“Oh, yeah? Is it working?”

“Uh...uh huh.”

“Do you see me running the fingers of my other hand down my stomach and lifting my nightgown up?”

“Mmm.” Emily bit back a groan. She felt a little stupid, but aroused at the same time. “Touch yourself for me.”

“I’m thinking of you, Em. Your fingers working their magic…” Her fingers were already tracing patterns that she knew Emily would follow. “Touching me. So slow. So gentle.” Because that’s who Emily was. She was a kind and chivalrous lover.

“I’ve always enjoyed taking my time with you. The way your body responds to me…” Emily closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath.

Every time they’d been intimate it had felt so natural, like they didn’t have to think. Their bodies just _knew_ one another. This was no different.

“No one has ever done the things to my body that you do.” Alison’s breathing started to come out heavier. “I can feel you slowly circling, your index finger dipping into me.”

Emily shuddered at the thought. How hot and perfectly sculpted Alison would feel against her fingers. She sucked in an erotic breath.

Alison grinned on the other end of the phone as she moved her fingers against herself, closing her eyes, picturing Emily in the room with her.

“I can feel your lips against mine, moving with each shared breath…arousing me by teasing me with a second finger as you move your pelvis against my thigh, moving with my body…”

Emily heard Alison moan into the phone and it sent a wave of desire shooting through her body.

“I know you’re turned on.” Alison whispered. “I can hear it in your breathing. Don’t be shy, sweetie.”

Before Emily knew what she was doing she was slowly slipping her own fingers underneath her panty line. She listened carefully for the sounds footsteps. There was an added danger of knowing Hanna could walk in at any moment, but that sent a spike of adrenaline coursing through her. It made it hotter.

“Are you touching yourself?” Alison asked.

“Mmhmm.” Emily replied, moving her fingers against the small aroused bundle of flesh between her legs.

“Tell me what you feel,” Alison uttered, completely turned on at the image of Emily rubbing her fingers between her legs.

“I can feel your fingertips drawing circles against me. I can feel you…you kissing my left breast, nipping my skin…” She moved her other hand up her shirt and underneath her bra. She rolled her fingertip over her nipple before pinching it slightly. “I can feel your thumb holding pressure against me, against…” She huffed out as she rolled her fingers over her tight bud and then groaned. “There. Ali, there.”

_So. Fucking. Hot._ Alison had to keep herself from letting go at that very moment.

“I love how wet you are,” Alison said suggestively.

“Close your eyes, Alison. I want to know what you see when I…when I…” She was slowly starting to lose the functionality of her brain as a wave of pleasure rolled over her.

“You’re always gorgeous like this. Eyes closed, mouth open in ecstasy. I can see you arching your neck and moving down against my hand. I can feel your wetness against my fingers. Mmm.” Alison smiled. “Can you feel it?”

“Keep going.” Emily huffed as she added more pressure against the growing bundle of nerves between her legs. “I need you with me. I can feel that you’re almost there. I feel…” She felt her muscles tensing up. “I’m hovering over you, pressing kisses against your neck, your collar bone, down to your chest, massaging one side as I work the other with my mouth.”

“The things you do with your tongue, Emily…” Alison played with her breasts. “I can feel you on top of me, moving with me…in…in me…” Alison bit her lip.

“I can see you biting your lip…” Emily smirked.

_Shit, she’s good._ Alison thought to herself.

She almost came unraveled at the thought of seeing Emily looking back at her. She closed her eyes as she felt a heat rising in her body.

“I can see your eyes screwing closed and then opening back up and looking directly into mine.” Emily pictured Alison’s deep-set blue eyes filled with lust and desire as her mouth dropped open as she yelled her name.

For a few seconds the only sound either one of them heard was the other’s breaths of delight.

“Em?” Alison panted.

“Yeah?” Emily uttered back.

“Are you close?”

“Just waiting on you, Ali.” Emily’s breathing started to become uneven, her hips thrusting against her touch, begging for more friction.

There was a period of silence on the phone line, the noises of them panting and breathing heavily in tandem echoing all around them.

“Are you…” Alison asked.

“Yeah.” Emily replied shakily, her fingers drenched. “You?”

“ _So_ much…” Alison relaxed against her bed. “I’m going to have to wash my sheets.”

The lines went quiet again as the two of them rode out their highs together. Emily smiled. They sat in silence for a few seconds. The exhilaration had made them both feel dizzy. The exciting new ways they were constantly finding to make each other feel good were thrilling.

“Mmm, Doctor, Doctor, give me the cure,” Alison said cheekily.

Emily chuckled. That was what she loved about this girl so much. She was just so perfectly _Alison_.

“You know what I see right now?” Emily asked.

“What?”

“Me…holding you, kissing your forehead, our hot bodies cuddled together… _without_ the fever.”

“Mmm, that’s exactly what I see, too.” Alison smiled. “I always feel so at home in your arms.”

“That was nice and spontaneous.” Emily sighed happily, pulling her fingers out of her underwear, wiping them against her pants. “What brought that on?”

“I just thought that since I’m patient zero right now and since I know you’re not entirely ready for the real thing yet that this was a way of giving you control.”

“That was incredibly sweet and thoughtful.”

“You take that back.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It was nothing but…horniness and lust?” Emily laughed questioningly, trying to sound sincere, but she was too happy to play that game. “Screw it. That wasn’t a play for dominance and control. That was a play for love and devotion.”

“Psh, whatever. Alison DiLaurentis doesn’t _do_ that sappy stuff.”

“Oh, really?” Emily lifted a single brow with an inquisitive look on her face. “So…taking me to the kissing rock, writing our initials out there, showing up in an airport to stalk me, making me and my mom pot stickers on Christmas, and crying underneath the stars about being happy were all…power moves?”

“Okay, fine. Shut up.” Alison laughed. “You win. But don’t get used to it. _I’m_ the HBIC, baby. I’m steering this ship.”

“That fever has you delusional. I say jump and you say, “okay” right off of the cliff after me.” Emily smirked.

“You tricked me that day!” Alison whined.

The words hit Emily in an unexpected way. She’d been tricking her every day since then. Emily felt herself sinking into the mattress. What kind of person lied to the girl she loved?

“Em, you still there?” Alison didn’t miss her silence.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “Yeah, I’m still here. Sorry, I just…spaced. Still coming down from it, I think.”

“I was that good, huh?” Alison laughed. More silence. “Everything okay?”

“Everything is fine.” Emily lied. And it came out smooth. Too smooth. Emily hated herself for it. “I just…I miss you.”

At least that wasn’t a lie.

“Well, that I can understand. I’m a-fucking-dorable.”

“ _Fucking_ being the operative word?” Emily teased.

“I really miss holding you and touching you.” Alison complained.

“It’s only been a few hours.” Emily chuckled, completely forgetting where she was at the moment.

“I know.” Alison sat up against her headboard. “But I love you so much.” She paused. “I mean it, Emily. I know I’ve been saying it for months. But…I love you.”

And there it was. Everything came crashing back into reality for Emily. Alison _loved_ her. Emily shook her head and bit back tears. How had she let this happen?

“I…” _Fuck, what have you done to this girl? What are you GOING to do to her?_ “I love you, too, Ali.”

Emily’s feeling of euphoria was suddenly overshadowed by her guilt. She managed to fake her way through a conversation with Alison for a little while. But then she started trying to pull away.

“I’ve got to go.” Emily chewed on her thumbnail.

“Are you sure everything is okay? You really do sound kind of out of it.”

“Well, we did just have mind-blowing sex.” Emily reminded her.

“You don’t think you’re getting sick, do you?”

“Maybe love sick.”

“I can’t wait to give you a proper kiss again,” she said. “And don’t think that just because I’m out of commission that you’re going to get out of going dress shopping. The second I’m able stand in heels again without getting dizzy we’re shopping for formal wear.”

“Deal.” Emily laughed.

At the very least, the one consistent in life was her girlfriend. She started to wonder if she’d been wrong about her doubts the whole time. Maybe she could have everything she’d ever wanted and more.

She convinced herself that things were going to work out. It was a dream, but it was possible. There had to be some way. She was destined to spend the rest of her life with Alison. And she knew it. She just had to figure out the rest of her life.

They were saying their goodbyes just as Emily heard the electronic beeping of the keypad.

“Bye, Ali.”

“ _Au revoir_ , Emily.”

They hung up. Hanna walked in and the door closed automatically behind her.

“Hey,” Hanna said, tossing her purse down on her bed.

“Hey, how was lunch?” Emily questioned.

“Not bad. I grabbed Ace’s food from the car. It’s about time for him to eat, right?”

“What time is it?”

“Two thirty.”

“Oh, yeah, I should have fed him at two. My alarm didn’t go off.” Because she’d been on the phone _doing things_ with Alison.

“Hey, I don’t blame you for being a little distracted.” Hanna grabbed the travel bowl they’d brought for the dog.

Ace lifted his head in curiosity and sniffed the air. Hanna filled another travel bowl up with water and put them both down beside him. Emily told him it was okay and he started chowing down.

“I think I’ve figured it out, Han.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She sat up against the edge of the mattress, her hands reaching out for her cane. “I mean, not entirely, but I know enough…I’ve thought it over enough…” Her fingers tightened around the walking stick. She took a shaky breath. “I think I want to do this.” She swallowed hard. “I mean, I can’t say that I’m not scared, but I’ve never let fear determine how I live my life.”

“So, are you ready to go back?” Hanna questioned.

“I’ll give him a call and let him know I’m coming.”

“Yeah, you certainly were earlier.” Hanna muttered.

Emily froze, her face flushing red in embarrassment.

“Oh my God, you heard?”

“Yeah, I was going to dine in, but when I got back…well…the walls of this place are paper thin. I walked away. Sounded like you two needed the privacy.” Hanna couldn’t help but snicker as she plopped down next to Emily. “So, how’s fuzzy bunny pajama girl?”

“You tell her you know about that and I’ll kill you.” Emily threatened.

“Obvs.” Hanna shrugged. “I’ll only use that information against her if she ever hurts you. So…how was it? Tell me everything! Dish, girl!” Hanna shoved her playfully.

“I hate you so much.” Her face was a deep shade of crimson. She could feel the heat in her cheeks from her humiliation.

“Oh, come on. How many times have you walked in on me and Caleb?” Hanna scoffed. “Besides, it looks like it cleared your mind. A little stress relief now and then isn’t a bad thing.”

“You know Ali and I haven’t _actually_ slept together yet, right?”

“No. But you’re totally going to,” Hanna said it so casually, so _assuredly_ , like Emily’s world wasn’t being flipped on its axis. “Look, I’ve known you for a long time. You are so in love with her that you can’t see anything else. You made up your mind the moment you met her. She’s yours. And you’re hers. Regardless of what you do, you’re never going to be able to leave her. Your only choice is to hope she doesn’t leave you.”

“If I ask her to stay she will,” Emily said, no doubt in her mind. “But that would be completely selfish of me after everything…”

“So?” Hanna asked. “You’ve earned the right to be a little selfish.”

“It’s not about me. It’s about her. She has to come first. I can’t put what I want before her needs.”

“Don’t pull that self-sacrificing bullshit martyr crap. Not now.” Hanna put her hand on top of Emily’s. “You don’t know what she needs. Only _she_ knows what she needs. And the only way you’re going to find that out for sure is to ask her.” She sighed. “This is why I wanted you to tell her when you first started going out.”

“Was that an _I told you so_?” Emily questioned, lifting her brow curiously.

“No.” Hanna put her hand on Emily’s arm. “It’s an _I’m sorry_. It’s not like I don’t get it. I get why you kept it from everyone. I know you were afraid. I understand. I really do. And I understand wanting to wait until after all the heavy decisions have been made about her future. But I knew from the beginning it was going to come to this. And I knew what it was going to do to you.”

“Yeah,” Emily said softly. “I did, too. But I still did it.” She shook her head. “I should add “official idiot” to my resumé.”

“Look, you made some mistakes in this, but you never had a _choice_. You did the best you could under the circumstances.”

“I could have done better.”

“Always with the stupid perfection.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you are very wise?”

“No.” Hanna laughed. “Like no one. _Ever_.”

“Well, you are.”

“Just one thing I’ve learned from you being my best friend all these years.” Hanna bumped up against her. “So, all things considered…what are we doing here? What’s the plan?”

Emily paused to think about it.

“I need to talk to him before I lose my nerve,” she said.

She went back to see Nate and they talked it through. Her mood improved drastically when she heard Lily squeal out her name when Emily surprised her with her tater tots.

“EMMY!” She looked right past the food and ran over and latched on to her leg. “I missed you! SOOOOO much!”

Emily carefully leaned down and opened her arms and Lily jumped into her open embrace. She hogged Emily the entire night. By the time dinner was almost over everyone was exhausted. Lily pat Emily’s hand before declaring that she was done.

“Emmy, I want you to have the rest of my tater tots, cuz I love you.”

“Whoa, that’s a big deal,” Emily said, over-enthusiastically. “Are you sure?”

Lily answered with a hug.

“You can have _all_ my tater tots. I like tater tots, but I like my Emmy more.”

_This sweet innocent little baby…_ Emily felt her heart melting.

“Okay, how about you get ready for bed and I’ll tell you a bedtime story?” Emily suggested.

“Is this REAL LIFE?” Lily danced around on her toes. “Yes, but okay…okay, I have to brush my teeth first.” She zoomed into the bathroom.

“That was really sweet of you to offer. I know you must be exhausted…”

“I’ll never be too tired for her,” Emily said. She licked her lips. “Does she know?” She asked. “Why I’m really here, I mean?”

“No. When and how you tell her is up to you, Em.” Nate shook his head.

Before Emily could reply Lily was rushing back over to her and grabbing her hand and pulling her away from Nate.

Spending time with Lily always reminded Emily of the true testament to strength in life. The little girl had more spunk and life in her than anyone else in Emily’s life. She was so innocent. And so pure. And so full of life. The little girl made her feel better about everything.

By the time the weekend had ended and she’d gotten back to Rosewood Emily was wiped out. She was exhausted on all accounts. But the first thing she’d done when she’d gotten back to town was swing by Alison’s house to see how she was feeling.

After she was berated for exposing herself to “mutant mega germs” as Alison had aptly called it, Emily had gone home. She’d barely gotten through the front door before her mother noticed something was wrong. Emily had crumbled into her arms and told her everything.

Telling her mom had gone as about as well as she’d envisioned. Telling her dad was worse. Because she wasn’t in the same room with him. She couldn’t hug him and tell him she was sorry. The phone line was silent for a good solid two minutes before he’d been able to muster up a response. The second he hung up he was finding out what he needed to do to get back home.

Alison was back to her formidable self a few days after school started again. Of course, she didn’t care about her academics as much as she cared about holding and kissing her girlfriend again.

Emily had been more than willing to cuddle with her when she had the plague, but Alison had insisted that she stay away. With prom coming up, they certainly couldn’t risk either of them becoming the walking dead. She had no idea that the walking dead was _exactly_ what Emily felt like. She was spreading herself too thin. She had been lacking in self-care lately. And as hard as she tried to hide it, the people around her were starting to notice.

Emily was sitting in the cafeteria at breakfast waiting on her friends to join her and listening to a recording of her English class. Hanna was thumbing through a magazine. Aria and Spencer sat down to join them.

“How’s the English coming along?” Spencer questioned, her tone lighter than usual.

“Well, I speak it. So…I’ve got that going for me.” Emily smiled, but it almost felt forced.

Her friends knew she had a lot on her mind. They didn’t know what Hanna knew, but they knew about everything else going on in her life, including Ben’s release.

“How are you holding up?” Aria asked, setting her things down on the table. “With…Ben getting out and everything?”

“Life goes on.” Emily absentmindedly scratched at her arm.

“You know if he shows his face in _any_ part of this town we’ll tear him apart.” Spencer puffed up defensively.

“I don’t think he’s dumb enough to risk it.”

She didn’t know that he most certainly _was_.

“Do they have a set date yet?” Hanna questioned. “Asking for a friend who wants to go joy riding, and if she’s feeling particularly cute, maybe commit some vehicular homicide.”

“You guys are cute.” Emily laughed. “I don’t know when exactly. Just sometime after prom, I think.” She heard footsteps approaching. “Now, can we kill this conversation please? If Alison hears us talking about it she’ll go off on one of her tangents and then she’ll go out and buy rocket-launchers and sit outside the prison.”

“And we’re not letting her do this because?” Hanna asked.

“Yeah, seriously, I’d pay to see that.” Aria agreed.

“Pay to see what?” Alison walked up behind them.

“Spencer in a ballgown.” Emily thought quickly on her feet, though it earned a disapproving groan from Alison’s cousin.

“Ohhh, today’s the day!” Alison was so excited about dress shopping. She sat down next to Emily. “I brought bagels.”

She leaned over the table, finding Emily’s lips and pressed an innocent kiss against them.

“That was really thoughtful of you.” Emily smiled, though she didn’t reach for the free food.

Hanna was the first one to dive in. Spencer and Aria each grabbed a bagel. Emily just sipped her tea.

“You’re not hungry, Em?” Aria asked in surprise.

“I ate earlier. Oatmeal and a banana. The breakfast of champions.”

“Two weeks ago you ate like a half a leftover pizza and breadsticks for breakfast in one sitting. And now all of a sudden you’re turning your nose up at food? If I didn’t know you were gay I’d be worried that you were pregnant.” Aria teased her.

Emily didn’t laugh, which alerted some concerns in Alison. The brunette seemed lost in thought. And truth be told, she was. Her conscience was eating away at her. She had moved to Rosewood for one reason, and one reason only. And then things had changed. She’d fallen in love with the girl sitting in front of her, sweetly cupping her hand.

Alison DiLaurentis, a guarded enigma. A beautiful mind hidden behind a mask of bitchiness. She didn’t let her walls down for just anyone. But she’d let Emily in.

“You still wiped from your trip?” Alison questioned.

All Emily could do was muster up a weak nod and a smile. Hanna flinched from the other side of the table, but no one caught it.

“How are you doing? Feeling better?” Emily asked, leaning her temple against Alison’s.

“I kicked that cold’s ass, with my high heels still intact.” Alison assured her.

“I expected nothing less from you.” Emily moved her cheek against Alison’s and then turned so that their lips were touching.

“Get a room.” Spencer teased them.

Hanna snickered for some unknown reason to everyone but Emily. Emily kicked her under the table to get her to knock it off. She didn’t need everyone at the table to know about her phone sexcapades with Alison, though Alison would probably own it like the star that she was.

“I don’t know if you heard, but I’m coming back from the brink of death,” Alison said dramatically, “so if I want to snuggle my girlfriend I will do so whenever and wherever I want.” Alison quipped. She looked at the girls. “Cancel your plans this afternoon. I got us booked at _Botique De La Ville_ for dress fittings.”

“Oh, darn. I already have a root canal scheduled.” Spencer shrugged.

“You’re going, Spencer. No cousin of mine is going to the prom with Toby Cavanaugh in some business attire get-up.”

“I was gonna wear a formal jacket over the pantsuit.” She muttered.

“Why was I cursed with family with such terrible fashion sense?” Alison groaned. “Help me out here, Hanna. Out of everyone surely _you_ understand the importance of the dresses we wear to our last high school dance?”

“Uh…” Hanna said with her mouth full of bagel and cream cheese, diet be damned. She was always still so shocked when Alison included her in things. “Yeah. Duh. And _Botique De La Ville_ is _only_ the hottest place to get formal wear.”

“Em?” Alison ran her palm up Emily’s arm.

“Hmm?” Emily had barely been paying any attention to their conversation. She was still so exhausted. She felt like she’d been swimming laps. “Uh, yeah, I don’t have any plans. My mom flew out for a business conference this morning.” Though it was less of a business trip and more of a personal one. “I was just planning on vegging out this afternoon. But I can work the catwalk a little.” She nodded, though her tone was less than enthusiastic.

“I can’t wait to see that.” Alison’s voice dropped an octave.

She could just imagine Emily strutting the catwalk in knee-high boots and a beautiful little red number. Ace could even wear a little tuxedo. He stared up at the two of them like he was just ready for them to be married already.

“I don’t want you to see me in my dress before the prom. It’s bad luck.” Emily blushed.

“It’s prom, not our wedding.”

Alison’s heart leaped into her chest when she realized what she’d just said. _Our wedding_. Oh, God, was it too soon to be talking like that? What if that scared Emily? But instead of calling attention to it or freaking out…Emily smiled. She freaking _smiled._ And Alison sighed and then giggled. Her girlfriend was the cutest thing on the planet.

“I always pictured it as more of a low-key affair…” Emily said.

She _thought_ about their wedding?

_Oh my God, don’t hyperventilate._ Alison warned herself.

“…maybe us just chillin at the altar in our pajamas? With bunnies on them?”

Hanna choked on her bagel and then snorted. Alison huffed out a surprised laugh.

_Bold of you, Fields._ She couldn’t be pissed, because she was too impressed.

“You are never allowed to be in charge of shopping for any important event. Ever.” Alison teased her.

“I usually just let Hanna pick things out for me. It’s not like I can look at myself in the mirror.”

“Well, I trust that she’ll make the right call.” Alison shot a glance at Hanna.

Hanna felt like cowering, not because of the dress situation, but because she felt like she’d somehow been betraying Alison by helping Emily keep her secrets. She felt like she owed it to Alison to pick out the right dress. She knew Emily wouldn’t care what it looked like, as long as she was comfortable in it.

So Hanna went a little overboard when they went to the boutique. Emily was in and out of at least a dozen dresses before Hanna walked into the full sized dressing room and exclaimed in a giddy tone,

“This is the one.”

“Definitely.” Aria smiled, on Hanna’s heels.

“Thank _God_.” Emily was so tired of trying on clothes that she had considered just going to the prom in her sweats.

“You look beautiful, Em.” Aria grabbed a pile of dresses that Hanna had vetoed.

“It feels a little tight.” Emily ran her fingers across the sides and over her stomach.

“It’s perfect.” Hanna disagreed. “Trust me.”

“The last time you told me to trust you we ended up driving through the desert with boxes of stolen knock-off purses that your _insider_ had acquired from a very pissed off drug cartel.” Emily frowned.

“Oh, yeah. Texas with my Grandma.” Hanna smiled. “That was a fun trip.”

“Jesus. What kind of life do you two lead when I’m not around to keep you in check?” Aria scoffed.

“Uh…nothing. We’re certainly not _wanted_ in seven states.” Hanna grinned.

“You two are worse than my brother’s floozy frasshole friends.” Aria shook her head, slapping her face with her palm.

“Say that three times fast.” Hanna laughed.

Emily left the two of them to bicker as she changed out of her dress, wondering if Alison and Spencer were close to finding their dresses. They were on the other side of the boutique. Alison had been doing for Spencer what Hanna was doing for her: finding the perfect dress for someone who could not care less about what she was wearing.

Emily made her way out of the dressing room just as her phone started jingling from her bag.

“That’s my mom.” She recognized the ringtone as she pulled it out. “I should…uh…”

“Yeah, go ahead.” Hanna nodded, handing her Ace’s leash. She watched her walk outside the store to take the call.

“Come on, let’s go see if Alison is done torturing Spencer yet.” Hanna waved to Aria.

They walked down a narrow hallway that led to another open area in the boutique with more changing areas and more racks of dresses. Spencer had two dresses draped over her arm. Alison was digging in her purse for something.

“Hey, Mary Kate, Ashley, you about done here?” Hanna questioned.

Alison looked up from her purse, grabbing her wallet.

“Ah, no. See, that would imply that we _both_ have fashion sense.” She motioned to Spencer. “This one would be happy wearing a tweed jacket and knock-off hotpants.”

“Love you, too.” Spencer rolled her eyes.

“Hey, where’s Em?” Alison glanced behind them, looking for Emily and Ace.

“She just stepped out to take a phone call. We’re done.”

“Yeah, us too.” She pulled a credit card out and glanced at one of the roaming attendants and waved her over. “We’re ready.”

“Ah, excellent.” The overly-enthusiastic woman smiled. “Follow me.”

“Hey, can you get mine rung out for me?” She handed Spencer her card. “I’m going to see if Emily is still on the phone.”

“Sure.” Spencer nodded. She grinned. “Trip to Vegas on Ali’s trust fund.” She smirked.

Alison rolled her eyes and walked down the hallway that led to the front of the store. Through the mannequins at the front window she could see Emily sitting on a bench. She didn’t have her phone up to her ear.

Alison walked out. Emily heard the bell of the shop door jingling, but she didn’t turn around. She was just sitting on the bench, her phone in her hand. There was a mixed look of shock and disbelief on her face.

“Emily? Is everything okay?” Alison questioned, sitting down beside her.

“Yeah.” She nodded with a smile. “My dad is coming home.”

There seemed to be more to it than that, but Emily didn’t let on anything past her excitement.

“To stay?” Alison asked eagerly and optimistically.

“I don’t know for how long.” Emily moved to put her phone away. “My mom just told me he’s coming to visit.”

“That’s great news, Em!” She reached to hug her. She felt her trembling, but she mistook it for excitement. “Just in time for prom.” She paused and thought about something. “And your birthday!”

Emily’s birthday was a few days after the prom. Alison had been trying to plan the best birthday present for months. But she certainly couldn’t compete with her dad coming back.

“Maybe that’s why he’s coming back. You think your mom set it up? I bet she planned this.” Alison grinned. “God, those homecoming videos of soldiers always get me.” She got choked up. “Never thought I’d get to see a happy reunion like that in real life.”

Emily had mixed emotions. She was beyond excited to have her dad coming home. But she also knew why he was coming home. And she hated herself for it. She hated upsetting people’s lives. She tried to be low-key about it, but Alison was more than excited for the both of them. Because Alison knew that Emily missed her dad, and she knew it would make her happy to have him home. All she wanted was for her girlfriend to be happy. And Emily felt it.

Emily thought about how fortunate she was to have someone like Alison in her life. Emily turned to face her with a dopey smile on her face. Alison crinkled her brow in confusion.

“What?” Alison asked.

“You’re just really cute when you’re sappy.”

“Pfft, I’m not _sappy_.” Alison tried to put on a gruff voice. “ _You’re_ sappy. Little Miss _I don’t want you to see me in my prom dress._ ” She mocked her.

“Is that so Little Miss _I wear fuzzy bunny pajamas_?”

“Emily Fields.” Alison hissed, putting her index finger up against her lips. “Not another word.”

Emily smirked and then kissed her fingertip. Alison furrowed her brow again and laughed softly. She never knew what to expect with her girlfriend. It was exhilarating.

“Why don’t you bring Peter Cottontail to my place tonight? You game for dinner and a movie?” Emily reached for Alison’s hand. “My mom left enough food to feed an army.”

Her mother stress-cooked. She was constantly in her kitchen when she needed to blow off steam. And before she’d left she’d basically stocked the entire fridge and freezer.

“What’s on the menu?” _Is it you?_ Her voice suggested.

“You name it, we’ve got it.”

“Is that so?” Alison put her hand on Emily’s thigh.

Emily replied by gently putting her palm on Alison’s cheek and moving forward to kiss her. After a few seconds she pulled away.

“Preview of coming attractions.” She smiled seductively at Alison.

Alison knew exactly what she wanted for her _coming attraction_. The brunette looked beautiful in the light of the sun. Technically, she looked beautiful in any light. But when the rays of the sunlight hit her just right she was glistening, glowing like an angel.

They spent the rest of the day with their friends and then Alison went home to grab a few things. Emily’s invitation had come at the perfect time. Because Jason was out of town and her parents were in the middle of one of their huge arguments. She grabbed her things, told her mother she was going to a sleepover, and then scurried out the door.

Emily had dinner ready by the time Alison got to her house. She’d heated up her mother’s vegetarian-lover’s baked ziti. The house smelled like a rustic Italian villa. When she walked into the kitchen she saw the dish on the table, which was already set.

“It smells delicious, Em.” Alison glanced at the food. “Looks delicious, too. God, I want to eat that whole thing. Is your plan to make me too fat to fit into my prom dress?”

Emily chuckled.

“You can put your things in my room. We’re having issues with the sound on the TV in the living room.”

_Oh, darn._ Alison thought sarcastically. _How will I ever survive cuddling with you in your bed instead?_

Alison dropped her things in Emily’s room and then walked back into the kitchen. Emily was waiting with her chair pulled out for her. Alison’s face flushed, a sweet smile showcasing her dimples. No one was ever this chivalrous with her. She’d been dating Emily for almost six months and she still wasn’t used to it.

They ate their dinner, which was delicious. Alison made a mental note to see if Pam would share the recipe. After they were done Emily started to clean up, but Alison insisted that she let her do the dishes. She knew that Emily was worn out from their busy day. She had been dragging since she’d come back in to town and Alison suspected she was trying to do too much at once. So Emily went out to walk Ace while Alison took care of the dishes.

When they were finished they went to Emily’s bedroom to watch _Mamma Mia_. They changed into their pajamas, Emily wearing a loose fitting tank top and cut off pair of pajama shorts. Alison had brought her light pink silky spaghetti-strap nightgown. She crawled into Emily’s bed, right into her open arms. She snuggled up close to her warm body. Her skin felt like a hot coat of fleece. And she smelled sweet, like a cinnamon bun.

“Mmm.” Alison smiled. “You smell good.” She pecked her cheek. “I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” Emily admitted.

She felt Alison curl against her body and she smiled. She hit the play button and heard the _Universal_ theme song thumping out of the bass of her television. Seconds later _I Have a Dream_ started.

Alison watched curiously. She’d only heard the soundtrack, thanks to Emily constantly singing it. But she’d never seen the movie. And she kind of hated herself for it, because she had seen _everything_ with Meryl Streep. The woman was a queen.

But as entertaining as Meryl was, Alison found her attention shifting to Emily halfway through the movie. She curled her foot around Emily’s ankle as she shuffled to get closer to her. She nuzzled her cheek against Emily’s chest.

Emily coiled her arm tighter around her, their fingers laced together against her stomach. She felt Alison playing with her fingers. She could feel her touch in every nerve-ending she had. She’d hoped Alison hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t singing along like she normally did. She was so tired and achy. She was fighting to stay awake.

“Movie snack?” Emily questioned, moving to pause the movie.

She reached out over Ace’s head towards the nightstand where she’d brought up a small bowl of fruit. Instead of popcorn they’d opted for blueberries and strawberries for dessert to offset their not so healthy dinner. She picked up the bowl and held it up for Alison. Alison grabbed a strawberry and Emily popped a couple of blueberries in her mouth, hoping they’d give her some energy. Alison hummed when she bit into the strawberry.

“Oh my God, Em, these strawberries are delicious. Have you tried one yet?”

“No. I just picked them up from the farmer’s market today.”

“Here.” Alison picked one up. One of her hands moved to the side of Emily’s neck. “You have to try one.”

Emily parted her mouth and Alison slipped the strawberry against her moist lips. Alison gently pushed the strawberry into her mouth and Emily sucked the piece of fruit, curling her tongue against it, and the tips Alison’s fingers. Alison’s jaw nearly dropped when she felt Emily’s scorching lips enclosed around her fingertips. After a few seconds she released her suction against them.

Alison was beyond turned on. She’d barely waited until Emily had finished the strawberry before her thumb was rubbing against the side of her lips. Emily smiled at her, bringing her hand up on top of Alison’s, holding it in place as she kissed her thumb sweetly. Alison quickly put the bowl down and then moved over to kiss her.

She could still taste the strawberry on Emily’s lips. And more importantly she could still taste the hint of the aftertaste of her fingers in Emily’s mouth. She wanted more of that. The kiss slowly became more heated. Emily grasped Alison’s body, moving her down against the mattress. She rolled on top of her as her palms gripped Alison’s cheeks. Her body moved against Alison’s, dominating the kiss. Normally, Alison would playfully fight back, but she didn’t care in the moment. After feeling Emily’s lips around her fingers she _wanted_ Emily to have her way with her.

Alison wound her ankles around Emily’s calves, pushing their heated pelvises closer together. Emily pushed further into their kiss. Alison moved her palm to the back of Emily’s neck. Her skin was already hot and damp. It felt fifty degrees hotter than Alison’s palm.

Emily’s body felt like a roaring fire on top of hers. They rolled slightly to the right and Emily’s elbow hit the remote, unpausing the movie. The volume had increased tremendously since they’d been lying on the remote. Suddenly, they were listening to Pierce Brosnan singing his heart out at full blast.

It startled both of them. They almost rolled right off of the bed, but Emily threw her arm up against the nightstand and grasped the headboard to stop them from tumbling to the floor. The bowl of fruit clanked against her carpet and spilled everywhere.

Seconds later they both burst into laughter. Alison sighed happily when she saw Emily smile. Her cheeks were bursting with color. And they were so warm underneath Alison’s palms. She drew her face in for another lengthy kiss. Their lips pulled away from each other with an audible smack. Alison stared at her with a smile on her face, just appreciating her presence. She had a beautiful glow to her.

“I should get that.” Emily moved to sit up. “Ace has excellent self-control, but I don’t know if even he can resist temptation.”

_I sure as hell can’t._ Alison thought to herself.

She put her palm on Emily’s arm.

“I’ll get it.”

She moved off of the bed to clean up their mess. Emily thanked her and then excused herself to go to the bathroom. Alison quickly cleaned up the spilled fruit and then went to take the bowl and leftover fruit to the kitchen. She could hear Emily rustling around in the restroom. The door was slightly ajar. She looked like she was brushing her teeth. Alison grinned, because she knew what that meant. Minty-fresh kisses.

On her way back to Emily’s room she happened to catch a glimpse of something that concerned her. Emily had a cup of water in one hand and a vial of pills in the other. It usually wasn’t a cause for concern. Emily had to take pills for motion sickness and medications for her eyes pretty regularly. But she’d seen her take those earlier. And knowing what she knew about her overdose, she couldn’t help but be a little worried.

She stopped and peered into the bathroom through the crack in the door. Emily tossed whatever was in her hand back and then took a swig of water to follow it down. Then she turned and started walking towards the door.

Alison scurried back towards the kitchen so Emily wouldn’t think she was spying on her. She didn’t want to give her a complex. She waited a few minutes until she heard Emily thumping around in the bedroom crawling back into bed.

Alison followed suit. She slid back in next to Emily. They sat together for a few seconds. They moved up against the pillows to get comfortable, Emily wrapping her arms around Alison. As always, the blonde melted into her touch.

They snuggled up to finish the movie, but they didn’t make it to the end because they both fell asleep.

Alison slept soundly for a while. But she woke up around 11:30 when she felt Emily squirming uncomfortably.

“You okay?” Alison asked.

“Mmmhmm.” Emily nodded. “Just kind of hot.”

Alison smiled. She was _hot_ for her. She reached out to stroke her cheek and drew back immediately when she felt how heated her skin was. She wasn’t just warm. She was burning up. She pressed her palm against Emily’s forehead and frowned.

_Of fucking course. Perfect timing, as usual._

She’d caught the fucking flu, just like Alison was afraid of.

“Em, you feel like you have a fever.”

“I’m fine,” she muttered, but it sounded more like a reflex than a response.

Alison touched her forehead again.

“Bullshit _you’re fine_.” Her thumb brushed against the part in her hair. “Where do your parents keep the thermometer?”

Emily didn’t answer at first. She seemed to be drifting off to sleep again. But then she yawned.

“Guest bathroom. Medicine cabinet.”

She disappeared to get the thermometer. She rustled around in the bathroom. When she got back she laid her hand across Emily’s forehead and then slipped the thermometer in between the very lips that hours ago had been suckling her fingers.

She knew before the thermometer beeped. She tried not to freak out at the numbers on the screen.

“103. You’re pretty high up there, honey.”

Even when she’d been sick last week her fever had never gone above 100. Alison heaved out an exasperated sigh. Because this was something else that was her fault.

“Goddammit, Em. I told you you’d get sick.” Alison frowned. “I knew this would happen.”

“I don’t think I got this from you.” Emily murmured. “I probably picked something up in Baltimore.”

“Baltimore?” Alison blinked in confusion. “Sweetie, you went to Delaware.”

She was delusional, which was worrisome. Alison had heard that fevers could melt brains and shit. She watched as Emily’s face scrunched in confusion.

“Right.” She closed her eyes and muttered out a sigh. “Where am I now? Am I back in Texas?”

“No, babe, you’re in Pennsylvania. You’re back in Rosewood.”

“Oh.” Emily smiled dumbly. “I like Rosewood. It’s where my girlfriend lives. Do you know her? Her name is Alison. She’s gorgeous.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” She stroked her sweaty cheek.

Emily didn’t respond to her touch, which was disturbing to Alison. She felt the brunette shudder and then groan. This wasn’t like the fever she’d had last week. Alison had never been this out of it. And even when Emily was seasick on the cruise she’d never looked this bad.

She went to get a cool washcloth from the bathroom. She dug a soft cloth out of the cabinet, stopping to stare at some of the pill bottles in the medicine cabinet. A lot of them were just over the counter meds. They all had braille labels that had been printed and put on them. There were a few prescriptions that just had braille lettering and nothing else.

Alison picked up the one closest to the front and popped the top. She saw several off-white tablets. She pulled her phone out and tried Googling “oblong white pill” but got too many results to sort through. She heard something hit the floor in Emily’s room and quickly rushed back to make sure everything was okay. She saw Emily moving to get out of the bed to try and pick up a lamp and a glass of water she’d knocked over. She put the vial of pills down and moved towards her.

“Hey…I’ll get that,” Alison said. “You just lie back down.” She walked over next to her to help her get situated in the bed again.

“I don’t…” Emily seemed disoriented. “I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here. With you.”

“You think I’d be anywhere else but by your side? I’m right here.” She assured her.

She touched Emily’s face and the brunette smiled. She sank back into the mattress.

“We could get in a lot of trouble if we get caught.”

“I think we’re past that point.” Alison chuckled, a nervous tinge to it. “I think we’ll get a pass if your mom comes home and finds me slathering you in Vicks-VapoRub.”

“The drugs, Maya…” Emily mumbled.

Alison felt her muscles tense. It’s like every tendon in her body seized and contracted at the same time.

“What did you say?” Alison leaned over her. She could feel the heat radiating off of her body. Emily started drifting off. “Hey, Emily…I need you to focus, sweetie. Did you take something?”

“Take…what?” She frowned, a confused expression washing across her face.

She gently put the bottle in Emily’s hand, moving her fingers over the braille lettering.

“I need to know what this is. I need to know what you took.” She held Emily’s face in her hands. Emily closed her eyes and her head started to droop. “Hey, hey…listen to me. I need you to listen to me.” She moved her thumbs in a soothing rhythmic fashion against her cheeks.

It seemed to reach her, even in her state of delirium.

“Ali? What are…what’s wrong?” She moved to sit up, but Alison stopped her.

“You need to tell me what this is. You need to tell me what you took. I saw you in the bathroom earlier. I think you’re having a reaction or…”

“No.” Emily assured her. “No. I’ve had them before. It’s…it’s just a prescription for when my headaches get really bad. I thought…” She squinted, trying to focus. “I thought it was just a headache. I didn’t know…” She trailed off. “I didn’t know I was getting sick.” She mumbled something in her discomfort and then reached out for Alison’s hand. “I’m sorry, Nate. I was wrong. I can’t. I can’t do it. I thought I could, but...” She moved her hand underneath Alison’s, flipping her palm over to meet Alison’s. She traced her thumb along Alison’s wrist and her face tightened in confusion. She reached up with her other hand in search of her face. When she touched her cheek she blinked several times and then sighed. “Ali?” The tension in her face melted away and she smiled. “You’re here.”

Alison stared at their interlocked fingers and then glanced at Emily’s eyes. They were roaming, searching for something in the darkness.

“Emily, I think we should take you to the hospital.” Alison bit her lip.

That seemed to snap Emily out of her delusional state.

“No.” Inside her mind Emily was vigorously shaking her head. But outwardly, she was barely moving it. Her eyes darkened. “I can’t…” Her lips parted. Her mouth felt dry. “I don’t like hospitals. I’ve spent way too much time in them.” She reached up to touch her eyes, her fingers tracing below them.

“You’re _really_ sick, sweetie. You’re clammy and pale and hallucinating. 103 is like…brain damage high.”

“No.” Emily disagreed. “That doesn’t happen until 105. It’s just a fever. Just…let me sleep it off. I’ll be fine.”

“You could go into a coma or something…”

“Don’t overreact. You’re starting to sound like my mother…”

_Not a bad idea._ Alison thought to herself.

Emily’s mother would know what to do. She’d tell her if she needed to whisk Emily to the hospital.

Alison waited for more inevitable hallucinations or a horrible night terror. But Emily was basically dead to the world. She fell into a state of unconsciousness. Alison carefully slipped out of her arms, only realizing how much heat Emily’s body was generating when she crawled out of the bed.

How hadn’t she sensed it sooner? Emily had known right away when she was sick. How had Alison missed all the symptoms today? She had been hot and flushed all day. Tired, exhausted, lethargic. How long had she had this fever?

She took a quick look at her. Her dark hair was wet and tangled from her sweat. Her cheeks were a fire-engine red that stood out against her skin tone. Alison could see beads of sweat all over her face. She rubbed Emily’s cheek and then grabbed Emily’s phone and stepped out of the room. Because Emily would never let her live the phone call down…

She was worried she might be calling too late. And she was worried she might get Emily in trouble for having her over. But her concern for Emily far out-weighed anything else.

Pam picked up almost immediately, expecting her daughter on the other end.

“Hey, sweetheart. Everything okay?”

Emily rarely called her this late.

“Um…hey, Mrs. Fields? It’s Alison.” Alison wasn’t really sure how to talk to her. She wasn’t sure how to create a dialogue with _any_ adult, much less Emily’s straight-laced mother.

“Is everything alright?” Pam questioned, a nervous inflection in her tone.

“I don’t know.” Alison replied. “Emily hasn’t been feeling well today.”

“What’s wrong with her?” There was an edge in Pam’s voice.

“I don’t know. We were watching a movie earlier and she fell asleep. And when she woke up she was shivering. I made her check her temperature and she has a fever. And I know it’s usually one of those things you’re supposed to just wait out, but…um, her fever is really high and I’m worried and she already refused to let me take her to the doctor and I’m probably overreacting, but I didn’t know what else to do.” Alison blathered nervously as she peered in Emily’s room. Emily was still a lump in her bed. “I’m sorry if I’m bothering you…”

“No. Of course not, dear,” Pam said, her voice shaky. A mother worried about her baby. Because despite the fact that Emily was on the cusp of being an adult, she would always be Pam’s baby.

“I’m kinda freaked.” Alison realized how vulnerable she sounded and it made her feel like a lost child. How had Emily been able to keep her cool when she was sick? “I don’t know if I…should I take her to the hospital anyway or call an ambulance or something?”

“How high is her fever?” Pam asked.

“103. Well, 103.2 to be exact. That’s really high, right?”

Pam tried to stay calm, because it’s not like panicking could make a difference.

“It’s high, but it could be worse. Other than the fever does she have any other symptoms?”

“She seems a little disoriented.”

“Disoriented how?”

“She was confused about where she was. She kept muttering about Baltimore.” Alison ran her fingers nervously through her hair. “You guys used to live there, right?”

Pam got quiet on the other end of the line for a split second, but then she curbed her thoughts and replied with a quick hushed, “we did.”

“She took something earlier, too. For a headache. But I couldn’t get her to tell me what it is. It’s this odd shaped off-white tablet.”

“Yeah, she’s got a couple of different prescriptions for her migraines. They used to be really bad. She hasn’t used that one in a while though. She must have really been hurting.”

_She sure as hell didn’t tell me…_ And she hadn’t sensed it either. Alison was kicking herself.

“What do I do?” Alison asked.

Pam thought it over. She could hear how upset Alison was, and she knew she had to stay calm for her sake.

“There should be some Acetaminophen in the guest bathroom. It should help with the fever. Just have her take a dose. Just one though. She has to be careful about what she takes.” Pam sounded like she was thinking something over. “She has a sensitive stomach and taking meds makes her queasy sometimes. She has anti-nausea meds in her bag for motion sickness. The label is tricky, because it’s in braille. It’s a white dissolvable tablet. The first letter starts with an O, so on the label it will start off with three raised dots kind of in the shape of a sideways V with the mouth facing left.”

Alison started digging through Emily’s things until she found what Emily’s mom was talking about.

“Okay, I found them,” Alison said.

“Good. After you get her to take something for the fever have her take a lukewarm bath and then get her situated in my bedroom. It’s cooler in there…and closer to the bathroom in case the meds make her sick. If the fever hasn’t broken by morning or if she starts to get worse then take her in to the ER.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Fields. I know I’m probably overreacting, but…”

“No, I’m glad you called. Emily has a very stubborn personality.”

_No shit._

“Oftentimes she refuses to do what’s best for her. I’m glad that she has you,” Pam replied. “I’ll be home by tomorrow afternoon, but call me if you have any questions. It doesn’t matter what time it is. Just call.”

“I will.”

“Thank you, Alison.”

Alison did everything Pam told her, except the lukewarm bath, which Emily resisted. Her entire body was aching and she just wanted to lie in the bed and not move. And it’s not like Alison could drag her to the bathroom with her being dead weight. So instead she grabbed a few washcloths and gave her a sponge bath to try and bring the fever down.

She obsessively checked her temperature, making sure it wasn’t getting any worse. As the hours wore on it slowly started to come down. Alison knew she wasn’t going to get any sleep, but she settled in next to her girlfriend anyway, hoping that maybe her presence would somehow help.

Emily had the shakes on and off all night, but by morning the fever had come down. When she woke up, she found Alison by her side, sound asleep.

Emily could hear the soft pattern of her breathing. It sounded like she was on her side, facing her. She could feel Alison’s delicate fingers on her forearm, gripping it like she was afraid to let go, even when she was asleep.

Emily still felt a little warm, but there was one particular part of her body that felt like it was on fire.

Her soul.

Her heart felt complete with Alison. She thought about what Hanna had said about how she hadn’t had a choice in falling in love. And she was right. Because despite everything, they belonged together. Everything always came full circle with the two of them. They shared everything, for better or worse.

She didn’t want to wake her, so she stayed still, moving only slightly to gently kiss the top of Alison’s messy morning hair. She felt Alison nuzzle against her and quietly mewl in her sleep.

Her sweet girl, who pretended to be this hard-ass about everything in life, her sweet soft girlfriend had been so loving and thoughtful lately. She’d cared more about Emily’s well-being than her own when she was sick. She’d given Emily a way to experience sex without her feeling out of control or having flashbacks to the assault. She’d been a total snugglebug when Emily got back to town. She’d been going out of her way to make sure they were going to have the most unforgettable prom ever. And she’d nursed her back to health.

Emily’s memories from last night were hazy. She vaguely recalled Alison taking care of her, much like she did when they were on the cruise. Emily hated that Alison had been put in that position again. But Alison didn’t seem to mind. Emily teased her about being a softie, and Alison always gave her pushback, but deep down she was more pure than she let people believe.

Alison moved in her sleep, wrapping her arms around Emily’s waist. Emily gently put her hand on top of Alison’s hand and sighed with a smile, just enjoying the moment.

Because in a few weeks everything was going to change. She was going to tell her as soon as they graduated. She’d already waited too long. But Alison deserved a perfect senior year, and the last thing Emily wanted to do was undo all of the positive experiences they’d had with one another.

When they’d met, Alison had asked Emily what kind of senior year she was looking to have. Emily had told her she wanted it to be memorable. And Alison had done more than made it memorable. She had made it unforgettable. Emily wanted that for Alison, too. But she wanted it to be memorable for the _right_ reasons.

* * *

**A/N:** _A lot to_ _digest with this one. Bouncing back between Rosewood and Baltimore_ _was a feat, though we’re pretty much at the point where it’s obvious these two worlds are about to collide. I know it’s a long one. I ALMOST cut the phone sex shenanigans, but upon the final edit decided to keep it. There’s some super fluffy stuff coming up (D’aaaaaaw, Prom!) that you’re really going to enjoy. There’s also some stuff coming up for which you are going to be piiiissssed at me. Soooo pissed. Like it earned an “I will fucking kill you” from the bestie kind of pissed. It’s going to be rough. Fair warning._

_Side-note: I’m aware of the pace of this story. I’ve made many notes about it. I’m also aware of how torturous it is to wait. However, I’ve done that for a reason. For everyone wondering: The next two chapters have everything people want and more._


	24. Dancing in the Dark

**A/N:** _This one is a biggie. I was nervous as hell posting it, not only because of my insecurities about fluff and sexcapades, but because some shit is about to go down. Soon. And I’ve seen so much backlash over PLL: TP lately that I’m more nervous than ever._

* * *

  **Chapter 24:**

**Dancing in the Dark**

The next two weeks flew by. Emily’s dad came home, so that took up quite a bit of her time. Alison was happy to see Mr. Fields back, even if that meant she got to spend a significant less amount of time with her girlfriend. Of course, the Fields family had her over for dinner once Wayne had gotten settled.

Despite the fact that Emily’s parents known they’d been dating for quite some time, Alison was nervous sitting at their dinner table with them. She reached for Emily’s hand beneath the table. She squeezed her fingers so hard that Emily could feel her tension in her whole body. Emily reassuringly brushed her knuckles with her thumb and curled her foot against Alison’s ankle.

Wayne was gentle with the conversation, smiling as he talked about their “covert” operation to set up Emily’s and Pam’s Christmas presents. He called Alison the Maverick to his Goose, which she didn’t get, but she smiled and took the compliment anyway.

“Sweetie, they’re too young to know what that is,” Pam said with a teasing smile.

“Aw, come on. Everyone knows “I feel the need…the need for speed”.” Wayne disagreed.

“It’s a _Top Gun_ reference,” Emily whispered to Alison.

Alison nodded, her face light with clarity. She knew it sounded familiar.

“Yeah, they don’t make them like that anymore.” Wayne took a bite of his steak.

Even though Wayne was going out of his way to be friendly, Alison could see the weight of war in his eyes. Even so, he made her comfortable and brought her out of her shell. His little Emmy loved her and that’s all that mattered. It was more than clear to Alison where Emily had gotten her natural charm and her perseverance from.

They had a lovely dinner. Pam and Wayne were nothing but kind to her, even though she could tell they were both exhausted. It had to be an adjustment to go through what they went through, no matter how many times they experienced it. Their lives were disrupted and thrown into chaos and then they were teased with a little normalcy before everything crumbled again. It was enough to give Alison whiplash. She couldn’t even imagine what was going on through their minds.

Emily seemed as poised and as strong as ever as she walked her out that night. And Alison was so lost in the idea of finding some semblance of a family with Emily and her parents that she didn’t see Emily’s trembling hands before she moved to lean against the banister of the porch to try and hide it. Alison didn’t pick up on her nervous energy. She moved next to her, pulling her purse strap over her shoulder and setting her purse down on the other side against the railing. She moved closer to Emily.

“Tonight really meant a lot to me.” Alison reached out and put her hand on top of Emily’s.

She saw Emily smile and it melted her. It always made her feel stupidly soft inside.

“It meant a lot to me, too.” Emily turned to face her. “My parents adore you.”

“Well, _I_ adore their daughter.” She reached up with her other hand and curled a strand of Emily’s hair, pushing it behind her ear. “Sometimes I look at you and I just…I can’t believe this is real.”

“Me too.” Emily replied softly, a warm look on her face.

Alison thought about something, her eyes darting to her purse. She moved over and picked it up. She had something very special for Emily that she’d been holding on to for a few weeks. She was planning on surprising her at graduation, which was two days before her birthday. But something about the mood was striking her tonight.

“What are you doing?” Emily asked curiously.

Alison opened her purse, pulling out an envelope.

“So, I know we’re still a couple of weeks out from your birthday, but…” She moved Emily’s hands, opening her palms and gently pushing the envelope into her hands.

Emily felt around for the opening and then pulled out two thick slips of paper. She felt the braille lettering. Plane tickets. When she read the destination her jaw dropped.

“Ali, you didn’t…”

“ _Vive la France_. There’s no time like the present.” Alison smiled. “My family has a ton of miles. Might as well use them.”

Emily took a shocked shaky breath.

“I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say _Oui, mon amour_. You, me, sweet Par-ee, summer in the Riviera.”

“This is incredible,” Emily said with a smile, her eyes glistening with tears in the moonlight. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“You bring out the best in me.” Alison played it off modestly. She moved forward and gently pecked her lips. “Happy birthday, sweetie.”

She could feel Emily trembling underneath the surface.

“Em, you’re shaking.”

“I’m just so happy I have you,” Emily said softly. There was an affection in her tone that made Alison feel so full. “You’re the light that I needed right now. I know I’ve been really weird these past few weeks…with Ben getting out, and graduation, and my dad coming home…there’s just a lot going on. But you…you’re my constant.”

“Always.” Alison nodded.

“No. I need you to hear me, to _understand_. I am more in love with you than you could ever know. Nothing will ever change that.” She put her hand on top of Alison’s. “I might be a little…” Emily struggled to find the right words. She drew her arms up close to her midsection, “…absent for a while. Mom and I…we never really know what to expect when dad comes home. And I know it’s only been a few months, but a lot can happen over there in a few months…”

“I get it.” Alison put her palms against Emily’s arms, which were folded across her chest, as if she was trying to keep out some winter storm. “It means the world to me that you included me in his homecoming.”

“Of course.” Emily loosened up with a smile. “You’re a part of our lives, Alison. A part of _my_ life. And they know how important you are to me.”

“Your mom said she wanted to be sure we got to spend some time together before you go see her family next week?”

“Did she?” Emily questioned.

Of course she did. Her instinct was to protect her child. Now her mother was lying for her.

“Yeah. Are you going to miss school?” Alison asked, her voice trying to stay even as she added, “The prom?”

“Oh, no, of course not.” Emily reached out in search of Alison’s cheek. Alison took her fingers and guided them to her face. Emily smiled when she felt her warmth. “I wouldn’t miss our prom for the world. We’ll only be there a day or two. I’m not going to be in class on Monday, but I’ve already got all of my assignments.”

“Do me a favor and stay away from germs while you’re there. Wrap yourself in a protective bubble or something if you have to. The last thing either one of us needs is a relapse of the flu right before the prom.”

“Technically, if you’ve had a virus once you can’t get it again.” Emily smiled, trying to reassure her. “We’re immune now.”

“So, we’d survive the zombie apocalypse or what?”

“Yes, Alison.” Emily chuckled. “We would be the last ones standing.”

All Alison could picture was Emily standing in a heated desert in her sunglasses and decked out in a stylish Lara Croft outfit, a dark tightly fitted tank top covering her sexy sweaty body and pair of tactical pants. She could just imagine Emily using her cane as a whip to knock zombies off of their feet and then putting a combat boot on the undead’s chest and firing a shot into its head without even having to aim. Because Emily would just know.

“Paris would be all ours.” Her tone was verging between devious and dreamy. She saw Emily smile softly, but she could tell she was weary. She had to be feeling so many things having her dad home. “Hey, how are you doing? Like you said, this is a lot for you…”

“It is.” Emily nodded. “We’re still working some things out as a family.”

“What’s it like to have a family who actually works through stuff together?” Alison scoffed.

“It can be intense at times. But at the end of the day we love each other. It’s what families do.”

“You’re lucky.”

“Some days,” Emily said, her voice drifting off in a weird way.

“Am I missing something?” Alison questioned.

“No.” Emily shook her head with a reassuring smile. “Just a lot going through my head right now. There’s a lot I want to fill you in on. But I need to straighten it all out first.”

Alison’s face tightened in scrutiny, but after a few seconds she lightened up. Emily’s dad had been in a war zone the past several months. Of course she needed time to adjust.

“Okay,” Alison said in uncertainty. “You know I’m just a phone call away if you need me.” She took Emily’s hands, linking their fingers together and curving them up until their palms met in between them. She stared at their joined fingers. Their hands fit together perfectly. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She pecked Alison’s lips.

They leaned in for a kiss, not caring whether or not Emily’s parents were watching. Emily relished everything about the kiss. Alison’s soft plump lips. The way she moved her fingers up to her cheeks. The taste of her lip gloss. She imagined it to be a shade of candy apple red. When they pulled away their foreheads automatically fell together.

“Drive safe.” Emily massaged the side of Alison’s neck.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Alison’s voice had a cheeky mischievous inflection in her tone.

Emily listened to her footsteps as she walked down the driveway. The girl even _walked_ seductively these days. She couldn’t get Alison off of her mind, which provided a pretty good distraction.

That night, instead of bad dreams or restless sleep Emily had a sex dream about her girlfriend. It wasn’t like she hadn’t had them before, but with her emotions being heightened it was the most realistic dream she’d ever had.

They had taken their time, slowly and sensually building up to it. Alison had been kind and soft, but also commanding, though it had been Emily who had initiated it. They had been in the midst of a passionate make-out session when they’d started shedding their clothes without speaking. Emily had grabbed Alison’s wrist with one hand, leading it down to her wet panties and slipped the fingers of her other hand into Alison’s underwear. When she touched Alison’s center Alison had rolled forward quite forcefully, pushing so she could straddle Emily. She’d cupped Emily’s cheek and caressed her face while their fingers slowly started to move in tandem with their bodies. Up and down. Up and down.

Emily had rolled them to the side and pushed forward, trying to get Alison flat against her back as their legs twirled together, their curves meshing together like they were meant to fit. She kissed the side of Alison’s neck, nipping occasionally, making her squeal quietly beneath her.

She could feel Alison’s hips thrusting harder against hers and she moved down to kiss her stomach. She felt the wetness growing between Alison’s legs, so she moved down, scraping her teeth along Alison’s panty line, pulling them down slowly. She’d added her tongue to the mix and Alison started writhing and grabbing at her hair.

She’d begged for Emily to kiss her, to feel her lips against hers. When Emily moved up, Alison was already sitting up, ready to meet her in a crashing kiss. She moved them again, rolling Emily back against the pillows. In a flash, Alison had Emily’s underwear off. She quickly moved to her breasts and started sucking on her nipple as she slowly started circling Emily’s entrance.

That’s when Emily had first started whimpering in her sleep. But it was when she felt Alison picking up her hips for Emily to enter her that the noises increased in volume. Her walls were thick and wet and lined with an outer coating that felt like silk. She felt like her fingers were being sucked into a warm cocoon.

When Alison was in the midst of her orgasm she’d lowered herself against Emily’s body and snaked her nimble fingers between Emily’s center and dipped them inside of her. Emily had thrust back against her and let out a heated sigh. Alison, still shaking from her peak had lowered her face into Emily’s neck and nibbled against her ear and whispered,

_“Let go, sweetheart. Let me feel you let go.”_

Seconds later she’d felt something burst inside of her body. She felt like her nerve endings were on fire. Her jaw went slack, her lips parted, and she felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria. She cried out in ecstasy in her sleep. She’d moaned so loud that her mother had run into her room in alarm.

Emily was startled out of her dream when she heard her door swinging open. She heard quick footsteps and Ace getting to his feet from the side of her bed. She sat up against her headboard. Like most of the time when she had nightmares, she was sweating.

When her mom sat down at the edge of the bed she could feel her trembling, though she had no idea that it wasn’t from fear, but elation.

“Em? Are you okay?” Pam ran her palm over Emily’s forehead.

Emily tried to keep a straight face. She tried not to grin like an idiot. Because her mother would think she was losing her mind, or she’d figure out what the dream had _really_ been about.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, her breath sharp and quick, because _holy shit_ , she was still feeling it.

She clenched her thighs together because she could feel something slick between them. Even in her dreams Alison had made her soaking wet.

“You feel a little warm.” Pam pushed her hand against her daughter’s cheek.

 _More like on fucking fire._ Everywhere. Every part of her body. Inside and out.

“I just had a hot flash. I’m good, mom. I promise.”

“I’m going to make you some tea.” Pam gently rubbed her arm.

“Thanks.” Emily smiled.

She listened to her mother pad out of the room and then she fell back against her pillows with a soft sigh, a dreamy grin on her lips.

It was a nice break from the normal stress dreams she’d been having since she got back from Baltimore. She was trying to juggle so many things. She felt like she was a pot of boiling water threatening to spill over the edges and burn everything around her. But like always, Alison centered her. Even in her dreams. She just made her forget everything else.

She heard another set of footfalls. Slower and more even than her mother’s. Seconds later her dad walked in.

“Everything okay?” He stopped at the doorway.

“You two worry entirely too much.” Emily laughed nervously.

“Well, Emmy…” He took a step forward. He sounded tired. “Some of it is warranted.”

“I guess that’s true.” Emily sat up, making sure to keep the covers around her waist. She had no idea if her wetness had soaked through her pajama shorts and she felt awkward as fuck sitting there not knowing for sure. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I was already awake.” He waved it off. “Your Ma and I were talking.”

Emily nodded absentmindedly. She didn’t have to ask about what.

“Not exactly what you wanted to come home to, huh?”

She heard him sigh.

“When your mother first told me that she was afraid you were keeping secrets I just assumed it was because of everything that happened before I left.” He sat down against the edge of her bed. “And when she told me you snuck off to Baltimore, I never would have dreamed…” Another sigh. “I thought we were past all of this.”

“I’m sorry.” Emily felt tears biting her eyes. She hated feeling like she’d let her parents down.

“Don’t apologize,” he said. “I just wish you would have been honest from the start. How long have you known?”

“A while,” she said softly.

“And Hanna knows?”

“Yeah. I think she knew before I did.” She scoffed.

“And you haven’t told Alison?”

“The last thing I want to do is throw her off track at the end of our senior year.”

“Baby, why didn’t you think you could tell us?”

“It’s not that I didn’t think I couldn’t tell you.” Emily interrupted him, putting her hand on top of his. She felt a scab on his knuckle. He’d clearly been working the heavy bag. “It’s just…I didn’t want to disrupt your lives again. I mean, I’m almost eighteen, so I thought…”

“That doesn’t mean you’re on your own here. We’re you’re parents. That doesn’t stop just because you become an adult. We’ll _always_ be there for you.” He cupped her hands in his. He felt so warm. Emily had missed this. She had missed her dad.

“I know.” Her voice came out broken and quiet. “I’ve missed you.”

He pulled her in for a hug. Emily tensed up, remembering the damp spot between her legs. But the second she was in her father’s arms she forgot about everything, including her embarrassment. She wrapped her arms around his neck. When they pulled away Wayne put his palm on her cheek.

“Hey, your mom and I are going to help you see this through. But you have to be honest with us. No more hiding. No more sneaking off. No more lies.”

Emily nodded, tears of gratitude in her eyes. There was a lingering silence in the air between them. Wayne looked around his daughter’s room. It looked so different, despite the fact that it hadn’t changed since he left. He always felt like he missed so much when he was away. His eyes stopped on a miniature figurine of the Eiffel Tower. Alison had gotten it for her on their first date.

“You and Alison seem to have gotten pretty close.”

Emily blushed. They had gotten more than close.

“I never got a chance to thank you for helping her surprise me with my Christmas gift.”

“It was her idea.” He smiled. “I really like her.”

“Yeah. She really went all out for me.” Emily nodded. “Made me want to up my game in asking her to prom.”

“That’s right. You never told me how that went. I mean, obviously she said yes, because no one turns down that face.” He squeezed her cheeks like she was a little kid. Emily laughed and then swatted his hands away. “Did my guys come through?”

“Don’t they always?” Emily chuckled. “She was…” Emily had to stop to think about the pure joy she’d heard in Alison’s voice. “It was amazing. I don’t think anyone has ever done anything like that for her.”

“Then it’s a good thing she has you.”

There was another pause, another quiet silence.

“I love her, dad.”

“I know you do, Emmy.” He squeezed her hand. “But you shouldn’t hide this from her.”

“I don’t want to lose her.”

“The way that girl looks at you?” Wayne shook his head with a laugh. “She’s not going anywhere. You really think that after everything you two have been through she won’t stand by you?”

Emily smiled. She really wanted her dad to be right. He had been right about a lot in her life. So she tried to follow his lead. Having him home was like being wrapped up in a warm blanket of security.

Her dad’s reassurance gave her the affirmation she needed. And it made her reevaluate everything that was weighing on her mind. After that night she started focusing less on the future and more on the present.

She spent time with Alison at school, having a newfound appreciation for her girlfriend. Luckily, Alison was so wrapped up in decorating for the prom that she didn’t really notice Emily’s odd behavior. And while Alison was directing people on where to hang up streamers and banners Emily was spending time with her parents, trying to get into a normal groove of things. She was somewhat relieved that Alison was giving her time with her family, because she didn’t have to pretend with her parents.

The life she thought she’d left behind in Baltimore and her life in Rosewood were clashing and she felt like she was spinning out of control. It was exhausting, and it started to take its toll on her. The only thing that kept her mind occupied was the fact that soon she would be dancing with her girlfriend at the prom.

When the big night finally arrived she had butterflies in her stomach. Emily’s mother had helped her get dressed. Hanna did her hair and make-up. Emily warned her it better be perfect for Alison, or she’d have to suffer an angry wrath like nothing else.

“Yours or hers?” Hanna asked.

“Does it really matter?”

“Point taken.”

She didn’t make it easy on her best friend. She fidgeted the entire time. Emily wasn’t used to wearing make-up. She hadn’t worn it much before she went blind, and she’d lost the incentive to paint her face afterwards for fear that she’d come out looking like an uncultured Picasso painting. Hanna had been doing her make-up for special occasions since. They’d grown up together playing beauty parlor, so Emily was used to Hanna practicing on her.

Ace was lying on the bed, his head resting on his outstretched paws, watching them in curiosity. Much to his delight Emily wasn’t forcing him to put on a little doggy tuxedo and making him go to a dance full of teenagers and their hormones.

“Is Alison here yet?” Emily questioned as she tilted her head back so Hanna could put the finishing touches on her eyes.

“She’s down the hall sweet talking your parents right now.” Hanna gently dabbed some fresh mascara on her lower lashes. “Now stop moving.”

“I sincerely hope you haven’t made me up to look like a harlot.”

“Nah, I was going for more of a hot femme fetale brothel look.” Hanna teased.

Hanna took a step back to look at her best friend and smiled.

“Some of my best work.” Hanna nodded in approval. She reached out to take Emily’s hand to help her stand up in her heels.

“Thank you, Han.” Emily squeezed her hand. “For everything.”

“Don’t mention it.” Hanna shrugged. “You ready to go get the girl?”

“I’ve been ready since the day I met her.”

Hanna looped her arm into Emily’s and then they walked out of her room. They could hear Alison chatting with Wayne in the living room. Alison was so busy laughing that she didn’t hear them coming. When they walked into the room Hanna cleared her throat to get the blonde’s attention.

Alison looked up and saw her girlfriend entering the room. She had on a long royal blue party dress that hugged her curves. There was a slit going up the side of it to give her more room to move her legs. The thin sleeves hung loosely on her tone arms, her collar bone exposed. She walked carefully in a pair of strappy blue and black heels that twisted around her ankles and showed off her long legs.

She had on a delicate touch of make-up. Not too much, but not too little. It accentuated her best features. Hanna had chosen dark blue and black hues to make her eyes really pop with the dress. Alison’s jaw nearly hit the floor. She’d never seen her with make-up on, not that she needed it. She looked beautiful without it. But with it she looked like royalty. Her beauty was effortless. She didn’t even have to try.

“Em,” Alison said breathlessly. She stood up. “You look…” She walked over to her, unable to form words. Her thoughts were too dirty for her to say in front of Emily’s parents. “Wow.”

Hanna had done very well in picking things out for her. Alison glanced at Hanna and gave her a nod of approval, which Hanna was thrilled to get.

“So, I’m going to leave you ladies to it.” Hanna smiled. “I’ve got to put the finishing touches on myself and get back to my place. Caleb is going to be there in about an hour and if my mom doesn’t get pictures of us I’ll never hear the end of it.” Hanna walked past Alison and Emily. “I’ll see you there, okay?”

“Thanks again, Hanna.” Emily smiled at her.

“What are friends for?”

“Ah…not so fast.” Wayne stopped Hanna with a smile. “You didn’t think you were going to get out of here photo-free, did you?” He motioned to Pam, who was holding the camera.

Hanna laughed. The girls squeezed in together for a few photos and then Hanna was on her way. Alison and Emily went through the motions of Emily’s parents telling them how beautiful they looked and Pam taking pictures. Alison ate it up, because her parents didn’t even know it was prom season, much less did they care about making memories. At least not real memories. They weren’t even home. It felt good to be cared for. She really liked Emily’s mom and dad.

Alison drove them to the school. She had wanted to get a limo, but Emily told her not to blow any more money on her. Alison had argued that they only had senior prom once, but Emily had countered that their dresses cost more than a weekend getaway to the Poconos. Emily had then told her to save it for something else. Of course, she had meant something like college. But Alison was planning to spend it on Emily somehow. It was her trust fund, after all. She could do what she wanted with it.

They pulled into the school parking lot, choosing to show up fashionably late, because Alison DiLaurentis loved making an entrance. They climbed out of the car, Alison all but tripping over her feet to try and get to Emily’s door to open it for her. Emily had left her cane and Ace at home, because she knew Alison wouldn’t be leaving her side all night. Emily was already stepping out of the car before she could reach in to help her. She reached for Alison’s hand, Alison taking it with a smile and then closing her door behind her.

“You really do look beautiful, Emily.” Alison played with her long flowing hair. It was soft and buoyant. She moved to stand a little bit on her toes so she could press her lips against Emily’s. _The things I want to do to you…_

“Tell me about what you’re wearing,” Emily said with a smile when Alison pulled back.

“I went with a black dress with icy blue trimming.”

“Mmm, matches your eyes.” Emily smiled imagining it.

Alison could tell what she was thinking, so she pulled Emily’s hand towards her hip, slowly lowering it so she could feel the fabric. She kept moving her fingers lower. And lower. Until she hit the flesh on her thigh.

“Cuts off right above my knees.” _For easy access._ She thought to herself.

Emily was thinking the exact same thing, though she hid it well behind a cool smile. The only thing running through her mind was the vivid dreams she’d been having about her girlfriend.

They heard a group of students laughing and talking loudly walking towards them. Emily squeezed Alison’s thigh, earning a playful “yip” from her and then she moved her arm up and snaked it around her back.

“Your public awaits, Miss DiLaurentis.”

“ _Our_ public, Miss Fields.”

They walked into the gym, which had been transformed into Van Gogh’s _Starry Night_. The walkways were winding and dark and led to a gym twinkling with various forms of stars in motion on the ceiling, backlit by several different hues of blues and blacks and a few pastels. There was a blue disco ball revolving making it seem like they were living in the actual painting.

The lights twinkled off of Emily’s sunglasses, mesmerizing Alison.

A black castle with wispy white drapes hanging over the sides loomed in the background behind the stage where the DJ was playing, and where announcements about Prom Queen would be made. There were white and blue balloons strategically placed all around the room. As they walked in Alison was describing everything she saw, Emily listening intently, imagining what it must look like.

When they walked in together there were several hushed whispers and people glancing their way. Emily heard the noise in the room shift.

“I feel a lot of eyes on us,” Emily said quietly. “People are staring, aren’t they?”

“They’re all looking at you, honey,” Alison said, helping her maneuver the dance floor. _And rightfully so._

They made the rounds and said hello to everyone and then they were out on the dance floor, changing their tempo with the beat of each song.

Alison loved the way Emily danced. She moved with the beat of the music in an erotic and rhythmic fashion. She imagined she’d be the same way in bed. As the night wore on, that’s _all_ she could think about. Emily was putting off a vibe that Alison couldn’t ignore.

They were in the midst of an upbeat song with a fast salsa-like tempo when she felt Emily gripping her from behind, her strong arms around Alison’s waist, her fingers dangerously close to where Alison had been aching for her all night. Emily had her face buried in Alison’s neck, placing kisses against the soft skin behind her ear as she was grinding against her back.

“Careful, Em.” Alison reached up and put her hand against the back of Emily’s neck, pulling her forward until Emily’s chin was against her shoulder. “You’re dangerously close to making me want to ravish you.”

“Maybe that’s what I want.” Emily whispered in her ear.

Alison loved it when she was sultry and sexy. It made her want to pin her against the wall, lick her neck and fuck her senseless. Alison imagined letting Emily feel the pulse of the music as she held her against the wall and pumped in and out with the beat of the music. She imagined what her face would look like as she peaked.

“What are you thinking right now?” Emily grinned. She had a pretty good idea.

Before Alison could answer, a bunch of dramatic fanfare interrupted her. It was time to announce the prom queen and king. Emily and Alison were barely paying attention to anything other than one another. But then they heard,

_“And your prom QUEENS are Emily Fields and Alison DiLaurentis.”_

Emily froze, but Alison wasn’t surprised in the least.

“I didn’t even know I was in the running.” Emily laughed.

“Of course you were. You’re with me, sweetheart.”

Or perhaps it was the other way around. Everyone loved Emily. Maybe they’d picked her and Alison was the other choice by default. Either way, Alison didn’t care. Because she got to see her Queen with her rightful crown.

Nine months ago Alison would have flaunted her new title and popularity in front of the entire school. But that was before she met Emily. She didn’t care about anyone else’s approval anymore. They were leaving it all behind in a few weeks anyway.

She helped Emily up the stairs to the stage and watched with a sparkle in her eyes as the crown was placed on Emily’s head. It was a perfect fit. Next, they crowned Alison the second queen. Everyone in the audience was chanting for them to kiss.

Emily smiled at Alison like, _“it’s what the adoring public wants”_ and Alison wasted no time in pressing her lips against Emily’s. It lingered long enough that the principal had to put the mic down and tell them to cool it. They both giggled and pushed their foreheads together, their crowns clinking as they hit one another.

Alison led Emily back out to the dance floor where they could share the official first dance as prom queens. Emily knew that all eyes were on them, but all she could focus on was Alison. She felt Alison pulling her glasses down. Seconds later the music started. They both recognized the track after the first five seconds.

 _Stay_.

The first time they’d ever truly connected had been dancing to the Rihanna tune. Both of them smiled. They were transported back to the first time they’d danced together. It was like fate.

“It’s our song.” Emily whispered. “Did you tell them to play this?”

“It’s destiny.” Alison moved one of Emily’s arms out to their sides, their fingers lacing together, pointing towards the ceiling.

Emily reached out with her other hand and pulled Alison closer, wrapping her arm around the small of her back, her fingers coming to rest on Alison’s hip. Alison snaked her other hand up Emily’s arm and their chests fell flush together as they moved around the dance floor. It’s like they were the only two people in the world.

Alison sighed and laid her cheek against Emily’s shoulder. It was just like Halloween. Emily naturally took the lead, Alison happy to follow.

They didn’t stop when the song ended. Other couples joined them on the dance floor. They stayed in their embrace for several more songs. Alison gripped Emily’s waist with one hand and slid her other hand beneath her arm and slipped it up against her back. She closed her eyes and inhaled the aroma of Emily’s perfume. She felt Emily resting her cheek against her temple.

“Emily, I am so glad I have you.” She hugged her.

Alison lifted her head off of Emily’s shoulder. She looked into her eyes...her beautiful flawless eyes. She moved her hands away from Emily’s back and moved them down to her hips, pulling Emily into her.

They moved closer. Emily could feel Alison’s hot breath against her face. Their lips met in a tender kiss. Their feet kept moving to the slow beat. Emily’s hand slipped up the curves of Alison’s body and her palm found the side of Alison’s neck. Her other hand slid down until it was against Alison’s hip. Their foreheads met, both of them smiling at the other. Alison couldn’t stop looking at her lips.

“You realize what tonight is, right?” Emily questioned.

Alison thought about it. Her mind drew a blank.

“Uh…prom.” She looked around them.

“Not just that.” Emily reached into a small side pocket on her dress. “It’s been exactly six months since you asked me to be your girlfriend at Thanksgiving.”

“Oh my God.” Alison realized, her feet nearly freezing in place. Time had been flying so fast that she’d completely let it slip her mind. “I didn’t…I wasn’t even thinking…I’m sorry. I…”

“It’s okay. I mean, Jesus, you got us a trip to France.” Emily smiled. “It’s my turn to give you something without getting anything in return.”

She opened her palm to reveal a threaded blue and white bracelet with the words _Joie de vivre_ on it. It was the exact same bracelet Alison had picked out for Emily for their first meal together. She’d had Hanna help her find it. She’d never gotten her bracelet back after it had been taken into evidence after the assault. But that didn’t mean the memory of it wasn’t constantly on Emily’s mind.

 _“It means joy of life. You like sunshine, right?”_ Alison had asked.

_“This was really nice. Thank you, Alison.”_

_“De rien.”_

“Em.” Alison took the bracelet and held it, tears of joy in her eyes. “It’s perfect. This was really nice. Thank you.”

“ _De rien_.” Emily leaned in to kiss her forehead.

When she pulled back Alison noticed she was squinting. She’d completely forgotten to give her back her sunglasses. She’d been so wrapped up in looking into her eyes that she’d let it slip her mind that flashing lights hurt Emily’s sensitive retinas. She hadn’t said anything, of course, because she wanted Alison to enjoy every moment of tonight.

“Hey,” Alison said softly, rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs. “You want to get out of here?”

“You want to bail on our kingdom? But the coronation ceremony just ended. What will people think?” Emily teased.

“That I’ve taken you to my quarters to have my way with you, my queen.”

“Well, when you put it that way…” Emily smiled. “Lead the way, darling.”

No one really noticed them leaving. Half the student body was buzzed from the spiked punch, compliments of Noel and his buddies. The other half were too invested in their own dates to see their prom queens slipping away. That was the thing about high school. Everyone was self-involved. It just varied to what extent.

When they climbed in Alison’s car, Emily reached for her purse and grabbed her eye drops. She put the drops in and then put her sunglasses back on and leaned her head back against the head rest.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Alison questioned as she pulled out of the parking lot, one hand on Emily’s.

“About what?” Emily turned towards her in confusion.

“About your eyes hurting.”

Alison was fairly sensitive to when Emily was hurting. Because the extension of her pain came from what she had done to her on the Fourth of July.

Emily pulled her sunglasses off again. She wanted Alison to be able to see her eyes, to see _her_.

“Because dancing with you made me forget about everything else.” She flipped her palm over and laced their fingers together.

She’d barely noticed the discomfort because she was riding high from their evening. Alison was, too. By the time they got to her place the sexual tension between them was pouring out of them. Emily was ready to make her dreams a reality.

They’d barely made it through the front door before Emily backed her against the wall and pushed her lips against Alison’s. She firmly held Alison’s frame in place. Alison met her actions steadily, their mouths crashing together. Both of their lips parted and their tongues began dancing together.

Alison slipped the fingers of one hand along Emily’s spine and moved her hand up until it was cupping the back of her neck. She pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. Emily felt Alison tug against her bottom lip with her teeth and gently bite down and she felt a warm prickling feeling growing in her stomach.

They pushed their bodies together, neither one of them giving in to the control of the other. Their chests heaved together as they moved in between their kisses to try and draw in breaths through their noses. Emily reached up with her palm and cupped Alison’s cheek, drawing the lines of her cheekbones lightly with her fingers, tracing her facial curves, memorizing her features. Her motions changed something in their embrace. The passion of the lust was dissipating, and there was a soft warm tone in their movements as their lips met again in a tender kiss.

Alison drew back to look into Emily’s eyes and she saw a fire burning in them. She could see so much love behind her eyes. They stood there for a few seconds, their noses brushing each other, hard heated breaths flowing between them. Alison kissed her lips, lingering only for a second before she slowly moved down her jaw line leaving a trail of kisses across her neck. She buried her face against Emily’s neck, her knees getting weak when she inhaled the scent of her shampoo and perfume.

_Fuck, she’ll be the death of me._

She moved her lips down to Emily’s jaw, nuzzling her nose against her cheek. She loved her more than she could put into words.

“Emily, I want you…” Alison whispered against her ear, her heated breath sending a pulsing feeling shooting through Emily’s veins. _So bad. So fucking bad._

She moved back to look at Emily’s face. There was a beat. A moment of regret on Alison’s part. Because how fucking cliché was it to want to sleep with your prom date? But before she could berate herself, Emily responded with a sly smirk,

“I want you, too,” she replied, placing a soft kiss underneath Alison’s earlobe. “ _All_ of you.”

Alison felt her body seize up when she heard her say it, pangs of desire shooting straight to her core. She shuddered. Was she serious?

“Yeah?” Alison asked.

Emily nodded, kissing Alison’s jaw, tasting her perfume. She lowered her voice and it came out as a husky whisper.

“I want to feel you.” She kissed Alison’s jaw. Alison felt herself throbbing. “And I want you to feel me.” Another kiss, another pang of desire shooting through Alison’s core. Emily’s lips lingered, pulling on Alison’s lip, her breath coming out raspy and warm, “I want you, Alison.”

There was no hesitation. No doubt. Emily was ready. And Alison was _beyond_ ready.

Alison felt a hot pool of liquid burning her between her legs. Emily Fields. Emily fucking Fields asking her to fuck her. She had to put a lid on her hormones. Because Emily deserved more than just a sloppy lay. She deserved to be coveted, held, treasured. She deserved for Alison to make love to her. But hell, did she even know how to love a woman? _Truly_ love? She knew how to fuck someone. But would she be able to _love_ her? She felt Emily peck her lips.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Emily encouraged her, bringing Alison out of her thoughts.

Alison softly took her hand, guiding her towards the stairs. Emily had no trouble finding her way with Alison helping her. When they got to Alison’s room Alison kicked off her shoes. With Emily still in her heels, Alison had to stand on the tips of her toes to reach Emily’s lips. She grasped at her full cheeks and Emily curved her arm around the small of Alison’s back to bring her closer. Her fingers were already searching for the zipper on the back of Alison’s dress.

Alison moved one of her hands along the side of Emily’s neck, curving her fingers into the tresses of her hair near the nape of her neck. She felt Emily shudder in delight. She rolled her middle finger against the scar there, and she could feel the tiny hairs around it standing on end.

For a second, Emily froze, because it was a reminder of her past. A reminder of everything she was hiding from the love of her life. And how could they sleep together before Emily told her the truth? Alison sensed her hesitation. She stopped and cupped Emily’s cheek.

“Hey, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Alison said. “If you’ve changed your mind...”

“It’s not that…”

Emily still did get shaken up from time to time when she thought about the locker room and how close Ben had come to raping her. But that’s not what was stopping her. She couldn’t keep lying to Alison. She knew she had to tell her the truth about Baltimore. About _everything_. There were ways they knew each other intimately, but in some respects they still had so much to learn about each other.

“Is something wrong?” Alison asked, drawing Emily out of her thoughts.

When Emily felt Alison’s touch she forgot everything else. Nothing about her past mattered. And she wasn’t thinking about the future. She was in the present. With her girlfriend, whom she loved very much. She smiled and her body relaxed.

“Everything is fine.” Emily pushed her lips against Alison’s, her tongue slipping into Alison’s mouth.

That was all Alison needed to hear. She grasped the zipper of Emily’s dress and started to unzip it, her fingers traipsing along her spine. She placed light kisses along her shoulder as the sleeves slowly started to fall slack down her arms.

As she worked the zipper of Emily’s dress down, Emily mirrored her motions. She’d gotten the slit of Alison’s dress open down to the bony part of her tailbone. Alison felt Emily’s warm hands slide underneath the fabric and grip her ass cheeks and she groaned against the skin near the dip in Emily’s breasts.

Seconds later Alison felt her dress slipping down her body. The garment had built in support for her chest, so she wasn’t wearing a bra. She stepped forward, pushing Emily back towards the bed as she moved Emily’s dress down around her. It fell to the floor next to Alison’s clothing. Alison peered at the matching black lace strapless bra and panties she was wearing. The sight nearly took her breath away.

_Did she fucking plan this? Oh my God..._

“God, Em. You’re so beautiful.” She stroked her face.

She could feel the heat flushing to Emily’s cheeks underneath her fingertips. She pushed up against Emily’s nearly nude body, her nipples brushing against the underside of her bra. Emily could feel them against her skin. She could feel their hot flesh melding together.

Their lips met in another passionate kiss as they moved closer to the bed. Emily felt the backs of her knees hit the mattress. She almost stumbled over her heels, but Alison helped her sit down against the edge of the bed.

Emily felt Alison’s hands against her side, her lips kissing the dip in her neck, the scar on her collar bone, the top of her chest. She felt Alison slowly moving her fingers down as her kisses drifted lower. Alison’s fingers stopped near her outer thighs. Emily’s legs automatically fell open.

_She’s a Goddess. She’s a literal fucking Goddess._

Alison squeezed her thighs gently, staring at the open legs before her and she felt a jolt in her own center. This was happening. This was really happening. Her eyes flickered to the unmistakable wet spot on Emily’s underwear. Then she glanced down at the heels snaking up around Emily’s ankles.

She slid one of her hands behind Emily’s thigh, moving it down to the back of her knee to pull her leg out. Her nimble fingers worked the tiny buckle on her heel to loosen the strap. She gently tugged until it came off. She did the same with Emily’s other shoe. She kissed her calf and then her thigh. She pressed her lips against the crease in her inner thigh and pelvis, lingering as she took in the scent of her arousal. It awakened a primal need inside of her. It took all of her self-control to keep from ripping her underwear off and diving in with her tongue. After a few seconds she moved up to kiss her lips again.

Emily slowly backed up against the bed on her elbows. Alison followed, crawling on top of her to keep their bodies connected. Emily reached up, one palm finding Alison’s exposed breast, her perky nipple just waiting for her touch. She heard Alison sigh in pleasure when she touched her. She moved her other hand in between their joined bodies, her fingers slipping below Alison’s underwear.

Alison felt Emily’s fingers sliding in between her legs and she moaned into Emily’s mouth. She reached for the clasp on the front of Emily’s bra and popped it and the thin material slid off of her, her chest springing free. She pressed her bosom against Emily’s and they both let out a content sigh.

They got lost in another kiss for several minutes, the intensity of their body heat slowly drawing perspiration between them. Alison pulled her lips away and shuffled on top of her, moving to sit up to appreciate the sight of Emily beneath her. She propped herself up on her knees on either side of Emily. She watched as Emily’s chest rose and fell, her respiratory rate heavy.

Alison slid her fingers against Emily’s sweaty abs, moving up to grasp her breasts with her palms. She rolled her fingertips over her nipples and she saw her chest heave out a shaky exhale. Alison smirked and then leaned down, taking Emily’s left breast in her mouth as she gently tweaked the nipple on her right one.

Emily shuddered, getting lost in her touch. She felt an aching feeling in between her legs. And suddenly she felt her hips rising into Alison’s pelvis, begging for friction.

“Ali…” Emily panted. She moved to sit up, grasping at her face.

The movement caused their centers to connect through the thin fabric of their undergarments. Alison saw a burst of stars behind her eyes. She nearly toppled over on top of Emily, catching herself with her arm. She slid her legs against Emily’s and their cores met again. Emily’s legs locked around Alison’s.

Alison reached down between them and grasped at Emily’s underwear. She didn’t want anything between them anymore. Emily lifted her hips to help Alison slide them off, kicking them to the floor when they reached her ankles. She felt Alison move to sit up. She quickly wiggled out of her underwear.

Alison moved one of her thighs over the top of Emily’s and lowered herself until their cores finally met. Emily could feel the burning heat between them, the slick wetness. She could smell the scent of their bodies mixing together. Alison’s core was swollen and soft and felt like hot slippery silk against her delicate center. She had never felt anything like it before.

Alison noticed the inquisitive look on her face and she smiled. Because everything Emily did had a direct line to her heart. And seeing her with messy hair and rosy red cheeks was really turning her on.

Alison moved down to kiss her as they continued grinding together. She felt Alison’s moist lips against hers as they found a rhythm, both of them panting against the other. Alison moved to nibble on her neck, burying her face against Emily’s cheek.

Emily grasped at the back of Alison’s neck, pulling her closer. Her other hand moved down to the back of Alison’s thigh. She clutched the firm muscles there and pulled her towards her to help get more momentum going between their thrusts.

Alison moved her hand between them, stopping when she got to the soft patch of groomed hair between her legs.

“Can I?” She huffed against Emily’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Emily replied breathlessly.

Alison ran her fingers between Emily’s folds. As she started to slip a finger inside and met resistance she realized something. She pulled back slightly, stopping her motions.

“Em, why didn’t you tell me?” She gasped, feeling that her hymen was still intact. They’d never gotten this far. Alison had just assumed… “You’ve never done this before?” Alison asked, her forehead pressed firmly against Emily’s.

She could feel Emily’s chest rising and falling rapidly against hers. The closeness of their damp flesh together was almost enough to make her burst.

“No.” Almost two years at an all-girl’s school and plenty of opportunities, but she never had sex with any of the girls, because she’d never found anyone who she felt connected to on this level. After Maya, she wasn’t sure she’d ever love again. “What about you?” Though, she knew the answer. And Alison knew she knew, but she loved her for assuming otherwise.

“I have.” Alison didn’t lie. “A few times with my first girlfriend sophomore year and then once with a girl I met at a party that broke us up. We both cheated on each other that night.” Alison turned away in embarrassment.

She moved to sit up. Emily felt the bed shift and she reached out to find Alison’s face. She turned her cheek so Alison was facing her again, pulling her back towards their embrace.

“We’ve all done things we regret,” she said. “It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“I _cheated_ on my girlfriend.”

“It just means you two weren’t right for one another. After all, you just said she cheated on you, too. Does that sound like a relationship that was meant to be?”

God, why was she so perfect?

“That’s not all…” She glanced at her eyes. Her beautiful eyes that she’d stolen sight from. She almost started to tell her about the Fourth of July, but stopped herself. Instead, she nervously blathered on, “I also fooled around with Cece a few times, too.” Alison held her hand, their fingers laced together. “But Emily, none of that compares to what I feel with you. I swear. You aren’t just…” She tried to find the words. It wasn’t meaningless sex, “…this means something. _You_ mean something to me. And I’ve never had that before. I _love_ you.”

“I know.” Emily assured her with a sweet smile. “I love you, too. I want this. I want _you_.”

“I…I’ve never done anything like this before.” Alison huffed nervously. “Not…I mean, not sex. But…love. What if I’m not good at it?”

“You’ll be fine.” Emily smiled, caressing her face. She pecked her lips. “I’ll tell you what I need.” Or her body would.

Alison answered her with a kiss. She pulled back to look into her eyes. She still couldn’t believe this was real. She glanced at her dark bronze skin and her perfect curves. Her exposed body was every bit as beautiful as Alison had imagined. Emily could feel her hovering over her. She couldn’t stand the anticipation.

“Touch me, Alison. Please.” Emily begged.

Alison shuddered. The girl of her dreams was underneath her, begging for her. All she could do was comply with her wishes. She moved her mouth down to tease her, dusting her lips across the divot between her breasts, slowly moving down to press kisses against her bellybutton, her taut pelvic region, against her thighs. She watched Emily’s muscles twitch and dance beneath her lips. She moved up to kiss her chest. She watched her nipples harden and smiled in satisfaction. She kissed one side and then the other. She heard Emily sigh.

“Alison, _please_ ,” she said again, more demanding this time.

Alison grinned against Emily’s skin. Hearing Emily beg for it was sexier than she could have ever imagined. She wanted this. She _truly_ wanted her. And Alison _wanted_ her. She wanted to give everything she was to Emily. Alison’s fingers trailed down along her toned body, stopping when she reached Emily’s center.

She ran her finger through her slick folds several times and Emily bucked into her, needing more. But Alison wanted to make sure she had enough wetness coating her fingers to make the intrusion less intense.

“Tell me if I hurt you,” Alison kissed the underside of her ear, slowly kissing her way down Emily’s jaw.

She stopped to press a finger against her tight bundle of nerves. Emily moaned. Her hips bucked into Alison’s hand again. She’d touched herself, but never gotten this kind of response. Alison had an electricity to her touch. Alison slowly ran her fingers through Emily’s folds again. She leaned over Emily, her hair falling like a curtain around Emily’s face. Emily could smell her shampoo, her body wash, could feel her slippery wet skin against hers.

Alison ran her fingers through her wetness one more time, making sure her finger was nice and slick and then she pressed the tip at Emily’s entrance. She slowly circled her clit with her thumb. Before going any further she lowered herself until her cheek was pressed against Emily’s, placing a soft kiss next to her ear.

“Are you sure?” she asked quietly.

“You talk too much.” Emily grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her in for a ferocious kiss. “You are the one thing in my life I _am_ sure about.” Emily assured her. “I’m ready.”

The second she said it she felt a slow intrusion between her legs. It was uncomfortable at first, almost painful, but she trusted Alison. Emily gripped the sheets, knotting them up between her fingers. She clenched her jaw. As Alison moved forward her body started to get used to it. Alison stopped when she reached Emily’s barrier.

“It’s going to hurt at first,” she said, remembering her first time. There had been a lot of fumbling around and awkward touches. She was thankful that she had the experience though, because she could make Emily’s first time more pleasurable. “You can tell me to stop at any time, okay?” She placed a kiss on Emily’s plump quivering lips.

She gave Emily a second to mentally prepare and then she kissed her again. Emily nodded, encouraging her to continue.

“Just take a breath.” She uttered against Emily’s mouth as she started moving again. “I love you.” She nipped her lips.

“I love you, too,” Emily smiled back, her eyes full of joyful tears, her mind focused on Alison’s thumb pressing against her clit.

The dual sensations of Alison circling her clit while inching forward made the discomfort more bearable. Alison kept her lips on top of Emily’s as she moved forward in her, breaking through her barrier and entering her completely.

She felt Emily jump and cry out and she pushed her mouth harder against Emily’s to try and distract her. It worked. Emily slowly started moving her mouth against Alison’s, their tongues rolling together as Alison left her finger in place to let Emily adjust.

She was tight, tighter than Alison was expecting. It was because of her tension. She went slow, knowing how much it burned at first. She didn’t want to hurt her. She played with Emily’s sensitive bundle of nerves to try and shift her focus as Emily got used to the feeling of her inside of her, but was being met with some resistance.

“Relax, sweetie.” Alison uttered against her lips.

She could feel Emily’s walls clenching her finger, but the muscles were slowly loosening. Emily had never felt anything like it before. She felt so incredibly full. It was a weird feeling, having someone inside of her. The sensation was slowly changing from a burning pain into a tingling pleasure. Emily curved her hips slowly, trying to get used to the feeling of the pressure. She felt a pinch of pain and her body tensed up. Alison stopped, waiting on Emily’s cues.

Emily moved her mouth against Alison’s lips, pushing hard, trying to distract herself from the feeling of discomfort. She held the kiss, breathing heavily through her nose. Droplets of sweat were forming on her forehead. She felt Alison swipe some sweat away from her cheek with her free hand. Alison’s warm palm landed gently against her face, cupping her cheek. She grunted and then huffed out against Alison’s mouth.

“I’m okay,” she assured the blonde. “You can move.”

Alison slowly pulled out and then slid back in. Emily felt her body moving with her. Her face contorted as she tried to get used to the feeling. She felt the fingers of Alison’s free hand against her face, lovingly caressing her cheek.

“Are you still okay?” Alison asked, half of her concentration on Emily’s face and the other half on the movement of her wrist and fingers between Emily’s legs.

“Keep going.” Emily nodded, panting out a heaving breath as she reached behind Alison and dug her fingernails into her back.

So Alison pulled back and then pushed back in, this time curling her finger inside of her. Emily whispered out a surprised gasp, her mouth dropping open. Alison leaned down and pecked the side of her jaw, her lips slowly moving over Emily’s mouth. Emily’s mouth automatically responded to her motion, and their kisses met the rhythm of their love making.

Alison could taste Emily’s sweet heated breath against the back of her mouth. Their tongues were in a fight for dominance as their lips smacked together. Their bodies were slick and slapping together as they moved in sync.

Alison started out slow to let Emily get used to the rhythm. She paid special attention to Emily’s clit, noticing the way Emily’s eyes popped when she hit it. Alison felt her mewl into her mouth and it was the sexiest noise she’d ever heard. She wanted to feel the vibration of Emily’s moans forever.

Emily felt a warm sensation shoot up her spine every time Alison touched the tight hard spot between her legs. Before too soon she could feel a coiling sensation building in her stomach, slowly spreading to the rest of her body.

Alison pressed a delicate kiss on her lips as she thrusted against her with just the right amount of pressure, using her hips and pelvis for force. Emily’s thighs tightened around Alison’s hand. Alison knew she was close, and she wanted to make it the best experience for her. She pulled back and placed a wet kiss against Emily’s jaw.

“Em, do you think you can handle more?” Alison asked, her tongue grazing the brunette’s ear.

“Yeah.” Emily breathed out heavily, turning her face to capture Alison’s lips.

Seconds later Emily felt herself being stretched further and she nearly lurched up off of the bed. She curled up, trying not to recoil, because she _wanted_ to feel it. It was tight and intrusive at first, but then she felt Alison suckling on her neck and she loosened up, allowing Alison to move more freely.

Alison curled her fingers, reaching places inside of Emily the brunette didn’t even know existed. Alison’s tongue worked downward, circling her nipple, playing with the tight bud. Emily’s body jerked and she pushed her pelvis forward against Alison’s hand. Alison moved to sit up, using the momentum of her hip’s force to push further into her girlfriend.

The friction between their moving bodies was building Alison up, too. She rubbed herself against Emily’s thigh and shuddered. She was almost at her own peak, but she wanted to bring Emily with her, so she picked up the pace. Emily felt Alison curl her fingers again, hitting something inside of her at the same time as her thumb landed against her clit, and that was all it took.

Emily felt her body seize. She reached between them and grabbed Alison’s forearm and she could feel Alison’s movements, in and out, in and out. Alison used her wrist to press her thumb and roll circles against Emily’s clit. Being able to actually feel what Alison’s hand was doing heightened the feeling of Emily’s pleasure.

“Ali…” She gasped, closing her eyes, her hand falling away from Alison’s wrist, going limp on the bed next to her. Her normally dark world exploded in bursts of colors, colors she thought she’d never see again. “God,” she shuddered, beginning to grip the sheets.

“Just _feel_ it, honey.” Alison pressed a soft kiss on her lips. “Feel it and let go.”

Emily trembled. It was just like her dream. She could feel every hair on her body standing on end. Her thighs started to quiver. Her jaw dropped and she arched her back and moaned as her body jerked and writhed out of her control. She could feel Alison inside of her and she never wanted it to end.

As her world flooded with pleasure she could feel herself letting go. She could feel the passion in Alison’s soul. She could feel the love in her heart. They weren’t just having sex. They were making love. And she could feel…everything. The world was bright again.

Emily mindlessly reached up, not sure what she was searching for. Seconds later she felt the palm of Alison’s free hand grasp hers mid-air. Their fingers laced together. Emily twisted the fingers of her other hand into Alison’s sheets. Her back arched, bucking against Alison above her. She felt Alison squeezing her hand every time she curled her fingers inside of her. It was a slow pulsing, like the beat of a heart. Emily felt something inside of her snap, in the best possible way. A roaring fire in her veins. She cried out as her body froze in ecstasy.

She felt Alison’s fingers cease their movements as she rode it out. Alison was still gently moving herself against Emily’s thigh, her slick center swollen sensitive to the motion, her thighs pulsing. Emily could barely think straight, but she sensed that she needed help, so she moved her thigh against Alison’s motions. She heard Alison’s breathing starting to quicken and so she put more pressure against Alison’s center.

Emily could feel the trails of her wetness along her leg. She kept going. She wanted Alison to feel the way she felt. Alison pushed against her harder, rode her motions harder. She started moving in Emily again and Emily’s neck curved back as she felt a second wave of pleasure building up inside of her chest. Alison pulled her fingers out and traced the outline of Emily’s sensitive entrance and she saw her body start to tremble.

Alison could feel herself getting ready to let go. She looked down and saw that Emily was close again, too. She dipped her fingers back inside of her girlfriend and Emily moaned and closed her eyes, her hips arching off of the bed, pushing Alison’s fingers further into her body. Her eyes were clamped shut.

“I need to…I need to see your eyes, Emily.” Alison could feel her own orgasm at its peak. “Please…” She touched Emily’s face, only adding to Emily’s bliss.

Emily’s eyelids flipped opened as her body tensed and Alison swore she saw her looking at her, and truly seeing her. As soon as Alison saw her eyes she felt her body shuddering. Keeping her fingers in place, she moved herself up against Emily’s thigh until her center was up against Emily’s. She connected their cores, using the motion to drive her fingers into the brunette with more force.

Emily whimpered, but it turned into a sigh as she exhaled in ecstasy. She felt Alison go rigid on top of her, her back arching into the air as she whispered, then _screamed_ Emily’s name. She felt something warm flow between them. They both started quivering against one another until they came undone at the same moment.

This time, Emily’s orgasm was more intense than the last. Her body was burning, a ball of heat spreading from her stomach all the way across her body into her limbs. She felt a prickling sensation in her fingers and toes and she lost feeling in them for a few seconds as her body let go.

A flash of heat rolled over her body. She could feel the sweat rolling down her back. She felt like she had slipped underwater in a hot tub. Her chest was heaving as she gasped for air. It was the most extreme feeling she’d ever felt. Her entire body was pulsing in time with the beat of her heart.

She slowly started to come down from it. She struggled to catch her breath. She felt Alison brushing her sweat covered hair aside and kissing her neck. Alison touched her face and then moved her mouth over Emily’s.

“Are you okay?” She pecked her lips.

Emily opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was a quiet whimper. Her mouth stayed parted. She felt dizzy.

“Oh, sweetie, was it too much?” Alison asked.

“No,” Emily abruptly said, a smile forming on her face. “No, it was…you’re sensational, Alison. It was perfect.” She was still buzzing from her high. “It feels like…” She took a breath, “…it feels like a dream.” She paused. “Is this a dream?” Emily whispered.

“Oh, you’ve dreamed about this, have you?” Alison lifted her brows. _That’s so goddamn sexy._ She cupped Emily’s face. “Does _this_ feel like a dream?” She slowly and sensually kissed her. She moved her palm down to the side of her neck and then kissed her jaw, nipping at her ear. “Or _this_?” She ran her fingers down the front of Emily’s body.

“Mmm.” Emily sighed in pleasure, reaching up and grasping the sides of Alison’s neck. She could feel the warm perspiration rolling down her body.

“So, you dream about me?” Her lips hovered over Emily’s. “About _us_?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Tell me about it.” She kissed the tattoo on her collar bone and then moved to sit up, straddling her girlfriend.

“How about I show you instead?” Emily smirked.

Emily’s hands traveled down against her curves until she felt her hips underneath her fingertips. She leaned up in search of Alison’s lips. Alison put her palms against Emily’s neck and their mouths crashed together. Emily caressed Alison’s outer thigh, which was wet and flush against her thigh. Alison had made Emily feel things she’d never felt before with her fingers. Emily wanted to do the same for her.

She slowly moved her hand in between their joined bodies. She paused when she reached Alison’s arousal. She’d never felt anything like it, not even when she’d touched herself. She could feel her wet puffy lips, still dripping from their encounter. She ran her fingers up and down her center to familiarize herself with what Alison felt like. Her touch was gentle and apprehensive. Alison could sense her nerves.

“You don’t have to.” Alison ran her fingers through Emily’s hair. She was happy just watching Emily bathe in the afterglow of their passion.

“Oh, but I’m going to.” There was a hint of a devious look on her face.

She didn’t hesitate as she pushed two fingers into Alison’s already sensitive entrance. Her nerves all but dissipated when she felt Alison’s walls pulsing against her. It was everything she’d imagined in her dreams and more. The warm slippery sensation of the pressure against her fingers made her core twitch. Everything about it felt right, warm and soft, like a jet of hot water streaming against her. She slowly moved in and out. She heard a whimper of pleasure slip from Alison’s mouth.

Hearing the noises Alison was making coupled with feeling her heat sparked something inside of her. She went from gentle to controlling. It was the sexiest thing Alison had ever seen, and _felt_. The blonde rolled her pelvis against Emily’s hand, forcing her to go deeper, rougher.

“Right there, Em.” She let her know exactly what she wanted, and Emily did what she asked.

She bounced on top of her, barely even noticing when Emily reached up with her other hand and slipped it up her taut stomach. She palmed her right breast. Emily ran her fingertips against the erect bud there. Instinctively, she rolled it in between her thumb and forefinger.

For someone who had never done anything this advanced Emily was perfectly skilled. Alison bucked her pelvis against Emily’s fingers and started panting as she felt another climax coming. Emily felt her tighten around her fingers. It was the strangest sensation. She could feel Alison’s warmth engulfing her, squeezing her, a warm wet pulse as steady as a heartbeat. And then she felt a hot liquid flowing down her fingers on to her wrist.

“Oh, God Emily…”

Alison pushed her palms down against Emily’s breasts, groping them, needing something to hold on to, because otherwise she was afraid she might just float away. One of her hands moved up against Emily’s slippery skin until it slid against her cheek.

Emily could hear her pants of pleasure. She could only imagine what she looked like in the midst of her orgasm. She felt connected to her in a way that she’d never felt connected to anyone else. Still, she felt the need to be closer to her…to experience what she was feeling.

“Ali, can I…” She slid her free hand away from Alison’s chest and up towards her face.

Alison could see her cheeks flushing. It’s like she was afraid to ask something. Her hand crept up Alison’s neck and Alison could tell what she wanted. She pulled her palm away from Emily’s cheek and then gently placed it on top of Emily’s hand, guiding it to her face, kissing her fingertips between pants. She pressed the heel of Emily’s hand against her lips as her mouth fell open in pleasure.

Emily could feel Alison peaking with one hand and could feel the pleasure on her face with her other. The fingers of one hand explored the depths of Alison’s tight wet heat while the fingers of her other explored the movement of the contours of her face as she came undone. She felt Alison gently kiss the tip of her thumb and then she let out a cry of pleasure.

Alison’s body was jolted by the most powerful orgasm she’d ever had. Her body was out of her control. It was pure unadulterated bliss. She lost all sense of her balance, falling forward. She caught herself on her arm, but her face was so close to Emily’s that she could feel the heat from her breath against her face. Emily leaned up and immediately found Alison’s lips. Alison couldn’t reciprocate. The state of euphoria that she was in only allowed her to _feel_ , not act. So Emily swallowed her moans of pleasure.

“I love you, Alison,” she kissed her, running her soft hand against her cheek and threading her fingers through her hair.

“Em…I…” was all she was able to moan out.

She wanted to tell her she loved her. She wanted to tell her she meant the world to her. Her stomach coiled and she felt a hot rush of air come over her as she felt her release. Emily’s movements were perfect. She knew exactly where to touch her. She was precise and amazing, and God, how was she so good, and how did she know exactly where to go and what to do and how to hit all the right spots? How was it possible she was _this_ good her first time? She surpassed _anything_ Alison had ever done with anyone else. There was something about Emily’s touch that took Alison to a new world.

She moved up again, sitting on top of Emily, wanting to see her as she let go. She felt the tension growing in her stomach, expanding down as Emily kept moving against her, in her. The fire inside grew to insurmountable heights. She could feel her peak hitting her with such force that she couldn’t breathe.

“I love you, Emily. I love…I love you so much.” Alison finally found her voice again. God, she loved her. She’d said the words before, but she’d never _felt_ them. She could feel them now. She could feel Emily in ways she’d never felt her before.

Love was fantastic. Love was amazing. Fuck, it was incredible.

Emily felt her clench around her fingers and she slowed her motions, trailing her fingertips gently against her inner walls, just as Alison had done to her. She felt Alison’s weight shift as her back arched sharply, her head falling back, her eyes closing in a state of bliss. No one, _no one_ Alison had ever been with had made her feel like this.

She’d had a fuck or two. But she’d never actually experienced the special passion that came with making love. And despite Emily never having done it before, that’s exactly what she was doing. It was about the love. Not the sex. And Alison could feel the difference. All the bullshit she’d heard about being in love making sex better was true.

She reached out and grabbed Emily’s free hand, lacing their sweaty fingers together. She ran the fingers of her other hand in between their tangled thighs to feel the wetness between their joined bodies mixing together. She could feel Emily’s center throbbing.

The second she felt herself let go she slipped her index finger into Emily and curled it inside of her and they both shuddered uncontrollably against each other. Their fingers curled together, their bodies thrashed and crashed together, their pleasures rolling over each other at the same time. Alison moaned out Emily’s name, loudly.

Emily kept her fingers in place as Alison slowed her movements. She waited until she felt Alison’s walls completely relax around her and then she pulled out. Alison’s body twitched. She grasped the sheets in between her fingers.

“Holy shit.” She huffed, her chest still heaving. “Fuck. God, that was amazing, Em.”

Alison collapsed on top of her and rolled slightly until she was halfway off of her body, her cheek pressed against her collar bone, her arm draped over her stomach. She could feel Emily’s heavy breaths underneath her face. She puffed hot air against her sweaty skin.

The room was silent for several minutes as they both tried to gather their emotions. Emily curled one arm around the small of Alison’s back and brought her other arm up flush against Alison’s, sliding her fingertips over Alison’s knuckles. She drew light feathery patterns on the back of Alison’s hand.

“You are so beautiful.” Emily played with her fingers.

“How can you tell?” Alison questioned, moving her head against her pillow until they were nose to nose.

“I just know.” Emily hummed happily. She kissed Alison’s forehead. “I know everything about you, Ali. You’re smart. And kind. Fearless. Beautiful…”

As Emily listed everything she loved about her, Alison’s eyes flickered from the brunette’s dark brown eyes down to the scar on her collar bone. She traced the tattoo with her fingernail. It was a reminder to her of everything Emily had been through. And yet she was still so perfect and pure. She looked back into her eyes and she felt tears burning her nose. She loved her with all of her heart, and the experience that Emily had just given her was one she never thought she’d have. Tears pooled at the corners of Alison’s eyes and before she could stop herself, she was crying. Emily felt Alison’s body jerk and she heard her fight back a sob.

“Oh, my God, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” Emily brushed her fingers against Alison’s cheek, finding the tears there.

That just made Alison feel worse. How could Emily ever possibly hurt her? _She’s_ the one who had hurt Emily. And Emily didn’t even know. Something inside of her had been opened up, a vulnerability. Her nagging conscience.

“No.” Alison cried. “No, Emily, sweetie, you didn’t do anything.” _You’re perfect_. “I love you so much. I’ve never…” _I’ve never loved anyone else. I never will._ She choked back another whimper.

“What is it? Are you okay? Tell me what I can do…”

It was the worst possible time for it to come up, but after what they’d just shared Alison could feel her guilt eating away at her like a poison and she couldn’t hold on to it any longer.

“Emily,” she said between cries. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?” Emily was taken aback. She hadn’t been expecting that. “For what?”

“It’s my fault…” Alison put her palm on Emily’s cheek, her thumb lightly brushing up underneath Emily’s right eye.

“What are you talking about?” Emily asked in confusion.

“I have to tell you something. But when I do you’re never going to want to be with me again.”

“That’s impossible. I love you.”

“You shouldn’t,” she sighed. She took a deep breath, trying to be brave. “Em, I’m the reason you’re blind.”

There was a long silence. Emily didn’t react. She just stared into space. After a few seconds she furrowed her brow.

“What?”

“I never meant for it to happen. It was just a stupid prank.” Alison cried, moving to sit up against the headboard.

“What are you talking about?”

“Toby…he…he didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Emily sat up next to her.

Shit. Maybe Toby _didn’t_ know that Alison had caused the fire that night. Had she been wrong all this time?

“The fireworks that went off that hurt you, Toby, and Jenna...I’m the one who threw them.” Her voice was shivering, overwhelmed with emotion. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m so sorry for all of it. I was mad at Jenna for what she did to Jason. I just…I wanted to scare her. I didn’t know anyone was going to get hurt. I didn’t even know you all were inside…”

“Oh.” Emily tried to take the information in. Her face twisted into a confused expression. “That…” She blinked and opened her mouth to say something, but then completely lost her train of thought.

“Em, please don’t hate me.”

“I don’t. I don’t hate you.” She assured her. Her expression of confusion still hadn’t changed. “I don’t…I could never…” She looked conflicted. “That was you?”

“I will go to my grave regretting it. It was an accident. You have to believe me.”

“I do. But I…”

But Alison cut her off, rambling frantically.

“I know I’ve done some fucked up things in my life, but hurting you is the absolute worst. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I thought that if I could just pretend it never happened, that I…that I wouldn’t be that horrible person who did this to you…”

“You’re not…”

“I am. I did this to you, Emily.” She traced her thumbs underneath Emily’s eyes. She sighed and then moved to the edge of the bed, pulling the covers against her, wrapping them around her waist. “I don’t deserve you.”

Emily sighed, tears in her eyes. If anyone was undeserving, it was her of Alison.

“I’m a terrible person…”

“Ali, calm down.” Emily put her hands against Alison’s arms.

“You deserve so much better, Emily.” Alison hung her head and wept. “I should…I should take you home and then drive to the police station and turn myself in. I deserve to be in jail for what I did to you.”

“Hold on. Wait. Just…slow down.” Emily reached out until her hand bumped Alison’s arm. She latched on to it.

“I hurt you…”

“Hey, you didn’t hurt me.”

“How can you say that? You’re blind because of me.”

“No. I mean, the fire was…it was intense and…terrifying.” She didn’t lie. “And yeah, we got hurt. But…we got better.”

“But you…your vision…”

“It wasn’t the accident that blinded me.” Emily reached up, her palm finding Alison’s cheek. She could feel how damp it was from her tears.

Jesus, the guilt the girl must have been living with. Emily never would have let her believe she’d caused this if she knew…

Alison froze. She hadn’t hurt her?

“But Jenna and Toby told the cops…”

“Because they knew the truth. And I didn’t want anyone else to know.”

“Know what?”

Now it was Emily’s turn to be honest and she could feel her stomach churning nervously. She felt like she was going to throw up. Alison didn’t like the look she had on her face. After a few seconds Emily’s expression tightened.

“Emily…”

She hadn’t been planning to tell her until after graduation, but she couldn’t let Alison drown in the guilt. She couldn’t let her be in pain for something she had nothing to do with.

“I was already going blind when that night happened,” she bit her lip. “After the fireworks went off and we were all hurt, it was the perfect opportunity to use it as a scapegoat without anyone finding out. We figured whoever threw the fireworks was just some drifter coming through or someone who hightailed it out of town the second it turned into a blaze. We didn’t think anyone in town would…” She drifted off and shook her head.

Alison cocked her head in thought, realizing for the first time that Emily had _never_ specifically told her that she’d lost her sight in the fire. Alison had just assumed from the reports that it was true.

“I don’t…I don’t understand.” Alison’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“I had _no_ idea you were the one who threw those fireworks. Honey, if I did, I would have told you the truth.” She sighed. “I _should_ have told you sooner. Everyone kept telling me I needed to tell you…”

“Tell me _what_? What’s going on? If it wasn’t the fire, then what happened?”

Emily licked her lips nervously. She reached up and rubbed the back of her neck. Alison reached over and put her hand on Emily’s. Her heart was pumping heavily in her chest. She put her other hand on Emily’s cheek.

“Em?” Her voice was anxious.

Emily wasn’t sure if it was the sex or the way they’d opened themselves up to one another or Alison baring her own emotions. But whatever the reason, she felt the urge to tell her – to let her in on everything. She knew the timing was shit, but there was never going to be a good time to tell her. She’d put it off for far too long already. She exhaled heavily. She nodded, though it seemed to be a motion more for herself than for Alison.

“I have an Optic Nerve Glioma.”

“You…you what?” Alison blinked in confusion. “What is...I don’t understand…”

“It’s a tumor, Alison.”

* * *

 **A/N:** _Ah, yes, ye olden pitchforks. I have not seen thee in a while. Yep, I just went all John Greene “Fault in Our Stars” meets fetus “Matters of the Heart” up in here on you. Emily has got some ‘splainin to do. Like I said, some rough stuff ahead. If you hate me, I get it...but try to keep the hate to the same “I’m going to fucking kill you” energy my friend had when she read this. Like, she hated me, but she also gave me some cookies after the death threat because she knows how much I’ve been fretting over this. But I mean, silver lining? They DID just dance together and get crowned prom queens and have sex for the first time…_


	25. Hindsight

**A/N:** _I warned you you were going to be pissed at me. But hey, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have Emily facing certain death in all ages/carnations. I’ve officially now had her playing checkers with Death when she’s a kid, teen, early twenties, and in her thirties. I feel like she belongs on “Supernatural” at this point. This one is probably going to hit ALL the feels._

* * *

  **Chapter 25:**

**Hindsight**

Alison’s ears felt like they were buzzing and she couldn’t…or _wouldn’t_ hear what Emily was saying to her.

“…it’s rare, especially for girls…predominantly found in adult males…”

Cancer? She had fucking cancer? And she hadn’t told her? Her initial reaction was anger. All she could think about was how delicate she must truly be, and she’d been hiding it.

“…in children it’s usually benign, but a small percentage are malignant…”

Jesus. What if she’d gotten too rough with her? Hurt her? Made it worse? What if she’d gotten her sick? That’s how immunocompromised bodies worked, right? She could have gotten her sick. She _had_ gotten her sick. And it could have killed her. No wonder her fever shot up to 103. Alison was so mad that she couldn’t see straight.

But then the anger dissipated and the weight of the situation hit her and her fear became overwhelming. Emily was sick. People _died_ from cancer. What did this mean for the future? _Their_ future? Suddenly, all Alison could think about was what Emily had said about her dad at the hospital after Ben attacked her.

_“Only thing that would keep them from holding off on his orders would be if I was dead or dying.”_

Her dad was home.

Alison made a noise that was a mixture of a cry and a squeak.

_Ohgod. OhmyGod._

“Alison…” Emily reached out in search of her hand nervously. “Say something. Please.”

Alison couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. She certainly couldn’t form coherent thoughts. The only thing that came out was a surprised whimper.

“When…when did this…how…when did you find out?” And why hadn’t she told her?

Emily reached up and nervously ran her fingers through her hair. That was a loaded question with a very complicated answer. But she owed it to Alison to tell her everything.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Emily nodded, almost mindlessly. She’d gone over this in her head hundreds of times. She’d created an entire script of what she wanted to say, and how she wanted to tell her. She’d always known there was a possibility the cancer might start to grow again, but she’d been feeling so good since she’d moved back for her senior year.

Even when she found out it was starting to come back a part of her had hoped the experimental treatments she’d been on before would work again. She was certain she wouldn’t have to say anything. She thought she’d be able to spare Alison the pain.

Deep down she also knew she had to be prepared for this moment. But she hadn’t planned for this. She never imagined it would be like this, right after their first time together. She always imagined she would have told Alison before then. Or that she’d be better. She’d felt confident about her chances until her last PET scan in Baltimore two weeks ago.

“Emily…” Alison prompted her. She could see that she was getting lost in her head. “Just…talk to me.”

“You’re right.” Emily nodded. “I’m sorry. I owe you an explanation.” She rubbed Alison’s trembling hands. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for it to come out like this. I thought…I thought I would be better by now.”

“ _By now_?” Alison questioned. What did _that_ mean? How long had she known about this? “I don’t…I just…I’m having trouble understanding this. Why…why would you lie about this?”

“I never intended to lie,” Emily said. “I never wanted to hurt you…”

“Hurt _me_? You’re the one with a goddamn tumor.”

A tumor.

A fucking tumor.

“ _That’s_ why you…you’re blind because of it?”

“When I was twelve I had a CT scan that showed an abnormality.” Emily’s chest heaved as she took a deep breath. She still got anxious when she thought about it. She always felt so claustrophobic in those machines. “They…the doctors weren’t sure of anything at first. It was just…something on the optic nerve. I was steadily losing my vision. Literally saw it coming.” She laughed darkly. “My family and I talked about it. We knew we needed to be somewhere familiar, but also have access to a good school for the blind and be near an accredited hospital specializing in the treatment of juvenile oncology. We went to Baltimore to have a second scan, a PET scan, done a few weeks after the first one and they confirmed the mass wasn’t benign…”

“Baltimore…” Alison muttered to herself. That’s what Emily had spoken about in her sleep when she’d had her fever. “So, when you told me you were taking trips out to Delaware…” Alison started putting two and two together.

“I was really going to Baltimore.” Emily confirmed it. “Johns Hopkins Medical School and Hospital, to be specific.” She paused. “Except once I really did go to Delaware afterwards to see my mom’s family.” She wasn’t sure why it was relevant, but she blurted it out.

Alison tried to wrap her head around it. She knew people got sick. She remembered when Cece’s mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer when they were in elementary school. She hadn’t been close to Cece at the time, but they knew each other. And it was weird for Alison to have feelings about Cece’s mom dying, but she did. She felt sad for her.

And then she’d heard she’d died. The cancer had taken her quick. It wasn’t a complete shock to her because she knew people died. But it still felt like it was outside her realm of reality. She’d never really experienced grief, outside of her grandmother dying. But her grandmother had lived to a ripe old age. She’d lived her life. Emily still had her entire life ahead of her. Kids dying just…didn’t feel natural. _Emily_ dying didn’t feel natural. It wasn’t fair. The world deserved her. _They_ deserved each other.

Alison’s eyes burned, though she wasn’t sure whether they were tears of despair or anger. A little bit of both, maybe. Something inside of her cracked.

“What the fuck, Emily?” She snapped. “You…you’ve been living with cancer for _five_ years?”

Emily’s face scrunched into a ball of pain. She cringed.

“A little longer actually.” Emily admitted. “My first diagnosis was when I was seven.”

“Oh my God.” Alison croaked. “You’ve had this _before_?”

“Not the same kind. They caught it sooner. It was smaller and easier to treat.”

Alison shook her head. She tried to comprehend it. Her brain refused to process any of it. It didn’t make sense. Emily was healthy. She jumped off of cliffs and beat up boys and put together epic elaborate Christmases and promposals.

“But…no. That…that can’t be right. You…you’re sick?”

“I am.” Emily sighed. “I mean, I was. And then I wasn’t. I was fine for a while.” She grimaced. “I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s complicated. I was in remission when I came back last year. But I’ve been in and out of the hospital since I was six.”

Alison immediately thought about what Emily had told her in the hospital the day Ben had attacked her.

_“I don’t exactly have great memories when it comes to these places…I’ve just never been a fan of hospitals. I’ve had this thing about them since I was six.”_

Alison’s chest seized as she suddenly forgot how to breathe.

_Her fear of hospitals. Holy shit. Oh my God. It wasn’t just the psych hold. She grew up in them. This is real. She has nightmares about this. She has nightmares about dying in the hospital. She really has cancer. Oh fuck. Cancer. Oh God. Oh my God. She might die._

Alison trembled. Terrifying things were leaping out at her. Worse than any demon she’d ever faced in her nightmares. Words started swirling around in her brain. Words that didn’t seem to have meaning, but still scared the hell out of her.

_Benign. Malignant. Treatment. Radiation._

Alison’s head was spinning. She felt like her world was crumbling in on her. It felt like her lungs had quit working and that someone was sucking the air out of them with a vacuum. It took her a minute to realize she was hyperventilating. She was pushing herself into a panic attack. She’d never had a panic attack. She guessed it was a panic attack. She hoped it was. Because the other option was a heart attack.

“Ali, breathe.” Emily could hear and _feel_ her heaving breaths as she struggled to get air into her lungs.

She put her palm on Alison’s cheek and her other hand against her side. Alison felt her chest relax and she was able to take a breath.

“I can’t. Em, I can’t…”

This wasn’t real. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t happening to her…to _them._ It was like some next level Romeo and Juliet not communicating properly bullshit. They were fine. Emily was fine. She had to be.

“Easy. Just take a second to breathe.” Emily clutched her cheek.

Emily’s touch flowed freely through her. It was comforting and terrifying at the same time. Alison felt like her brain was misfiring. Emily was comforting her. But if Emily was sick, wasn’t she the one who was supposed to be receiving the comfort?

Of course, Alison hadn’t been given that opportunity, because Emily had been hiding it from her. A ball of anger solidified in the pit of her stomach again, overshadowing the panic. Because it was easier to be angry and frustrated than it was to let her fear win.

Reality hit. And it hit hard.

“You have fucking cancer…” Her breaths came out harsh and angry, but terrified and lost.

Emily felt a tear roll against her hand. She could feel how much Alison was trembling underneath her touch. The bone-crushing guilt she’d been carrying around for the past eight months hit her with a force that nearly knocked the wind out of her. But she held the panic at bay, because Alison needed her right now. She’d never wanted to hurt this girl, this sweet beautiful girl. She felt Alison’s breathing start to steady.

“Hey, just keep breathing.”

Alison nodded. She reached up to touch Emily’s chest, lying her palm flat against it, feeling her breathing pattern, trying to mimic it. God, she was so warm. So soft.

“I know it’s a lot…”

“All this time…” Alison shook her head. “You had _all_ of this hidden from me?” She was exasperated. “Why?”

“It’s not just you, Ali. No one knows…”

“You can’t compare me to everyone else, Emily! I’m your _girlfriend_!” It came out almost as a shriek. She took a breath to try and calm herself down. “What you and I have…” Her throat felt tight. “You’re the love of my life.”

“I wanted to tell you…”

“You should have.” Alison’s voice was hollow, though it was nothing but fear. “I could have hurt you…”

“That. That’s exactly why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.” Emily shook her head with a sigh. “Or…at least why I was scared to. When you have a disease…that’s all people tend to see. I didn’t want to be treated any differently. I’m not fragile. I’m not breakable. I’m still the same person I’ve always been…”

“Except you’re not!” Alison exclaimed angrily. “I mean…Christ, I took you on a boat in the middle of nowhere. What if you had crashed or had an aneurysm or something? You deliberately put yourself in danger rather than tell me…”

“I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. I know my limits. Besides, Hanna was there. She knew what to do if anything, though it _wasn’t_ likely, had come up…”

“She couldn’t have saved your dumb ass if you’d had a fucking brain bleed!”

“It’s not like that.” Emily sighed.

“Then what _is_ it like?” Alison hissed. She couldn’t believe this.

Emily paused to try and compose her thoughts in a way that Alison would understand. She furrowed her brow and pursed her lips.

“I spent my entire childhood being treated like a porcelain doll. Rosewood is the _only_ place I’m not _that_ person. I’m not sick. I’m not the girl with cancer. I’m just me.” She clenched her jaw. “I don’t know. I just thought…I thought I could be the same five-year-old I was when I lived here as a kid. I have _so_ many things about me that are abnormal. I just wanted to feel _normal_ in one way.”

For some reason that quelled Alison’s anger. _Normal._ She latched on to that. What did that word even mean? She sat in silence for a few seconds. Her face twisted in confusion. She had so many thoughts running through her head. But there was only one thing at the forefront of her mind.

“Who said you weren’t normal, Em?” she asked softly.

“It’s not what people say. It’s how they act,” Emily said. “Look, I don’t expect you to understand.” At least not right away. “When you spend your whole life under the microscope being stared at, being poked and prodded, and having people watch your every move you get to a point where you just want to blend in, to be invisible.”

Alison scoffed, but not because she didn’t understand. Because the thought of Emily being invisible or not standing out in a crowd was preposterous. Everything about her was exceptional. She could pick her out of a crowd of a million people. Easily.

“Well, you failed miserably at that.” Alison laughed darkly. “You’re anything but ordinary. I could see you with my eyes closed.”

“I swear that day at the park wasn’t…” She shook her head, “…I wasn’t trying to lead you on.”

Sometimes she wished she’d just kept her head down and kept to herself, because she always knew there was a possibility that her cancer could come back. And the last thing she wanted to do was bring someone into her life to have to deal with it if it did. But in other ways she was glad that Alison had seen her. She didn’t regret what they had.

“That doesn’t make this okay.” Alison glared at her.

Emily could _feel_ her glaring. She could hear her tension.

“I just wanted people to see me for me,” Emily said. “And you did.”

“You didn’t even give me a chance…” Alison huffed. “You don’t know _how_ I would have reacted because I never got that chance…”

Emily felt the bed shuffling. Alison wrapped the sheet around herself and moved towards the edge of the mattress. Emily followed her motions, really wanting to reach out to her, but she was unsure of whether or not she’d be reciprocal to her touch right now.

Alison hung her head and sighed. After a few seconds, she stood up, dropping the covers. She walked across her room and reached into her hamper and pulled out an oversized nightshirt.

“Ali?”

“Give me a goddamn minute, okay?” Alison snapped.

It wasn’t every day someone found out that their girlfriend had cancer. Or shit, maybe it was. What were the statistics? How many people were out there in the exact same situation? How many people died from it?

Alison grumbled under her breath. She knew _nothing_ about it. Nothing. And Emily hadn’t prepared her for it. She was so angry. But she was so scared.

She turned several small circles nearly burning a hole in her carpet as she tried to walk off all of the energy she was holding inside. Emily pulled the bed sheet up against her chest and started to move to the edge of the bed. She wanted to put her hands on Alison, comfort her, do _anything_ other than be a lump in the bed.

“Don’t.” Alison warned her, her voice a low growl. “Just _don’t_. I can’t right now.”

Emily nodded and moved back up against the headboard, letting Alison do what she needed to do. Alison balled her hands up into tightly wound fists and turned around, desperately looking for something to take a swing at, but all she was faced with was her reflection from her vanity mirror above her dresser. She angrily slammed her fists down against the top of the wood, knocking several things to the floor. A snowglobe fell next to her feet, narrowly missing her toes. Alison leaned down to pick it up.

The fall had created a whirlwind of snow around a happy couple ice skating outdoors. She stood up, staring at the tiny fake people inside. She hated them. She resented the smiles on their faces. They didn’t deserve to be happy. She let out a strangled yell and then turned around and hurled the snowglobe against the wall with all of her might.

Emily jumped, jostling the bed. The snowglobe shattered, the glass exploding into small fragments of shrapnel. The liquid inside splashed against the wall and spilled all over the carpet. Glitter went everywhere. But Alison didn’t care.

“Fuck.” Alison growled under her breath, tangling her fingers into her hair.

She pulled her hand away from her face so violently that she’d nearly pulled chunks of her hair out. She was losing it. She had to get out of the room. She had to catch her breath. Emily heard her pacing towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Emily asked, slightly alarmed, but not surprised. She had just dropped a huge bomb on her.

“I’m going to put on some coffee.” Alison replied, partly out of anger and partly out of not knowing how to handle the amount of energy coursing through her body. So, naturally, putting caffeine into her bloodstream seemed like a good idea. Or maybe she’d just throw it like she’d thrown the snowglobe. Because fuck logic. And fuck coffee. And fuck her walls and carpet. Fuck everything. “And then we’re going to talk about this.”

She looked at the mess on the floor and then at Emily’s bare body. The body of a stunning Goddess who had given herself to Alison fully tonight, and was probably still sore, though she’d clearly never admit it. After all, she’d been hiding her cancer for _years_.

“Just stay here.” Alison shook her head with a sigh. “There are shards of glass all over the floor. I don’t want you stepping on them. I’ll clean it up when I get back.”

Emily wanted to follow her, but her gut told her to give her a few minutes alone. She sounded hurt, vulnerable, and angry. And Emily was responsible for that. She knew she needed to let her breathe.

She wasn’t sure what to do. She felt awkward sitting naked in Alison’s bed without her. The room felt empty without her. _She_ felt empty without her. She could still feel the remnants of the physical touches from their love-making.

She moved, feeling a slight tension in her thigh muscles. She moved around to try and get comfortable. She could still feel a slick wetness in between her legs from their encounter. And she was still sensitive, her insides feeling like a rubber band that had been stretched to its limit.

The flesh between her legs burned, but not in the way she expected it to. It was like the stinging sensation of a bandaid being ripped off where for a split second it was sore, but then the fresh air hit it and nothing had ever felt more right. Alison had taken very special care of her. She didn’t feel any lingering pain or uncomfortable chaffing.

She was certain that Alison had been more nervous than she was. She’d been able to sense it. She’d been so loving, so afraid that she might hurt her. Emily had been more than ready. She had expected a wild intense romp, but it had been nothing but pure beauty. Ecstasy. Bliss. And all the other dumb cliché things she heard in love stories.

Alison had been so soft and kind, despite the fact that she walked around with a wild sexual prowess. Alison had a fierce electrifying fire within her, but Emily knew she’d probably held back since it was her first time. Emily wanted to explore the true depths of Alison’s most inner desires.

If she got the chance.

Did she even deserve the chance? And was it selfish of her to stay with Alison? Alison was right. She _hadn’t_ given her a chance to decide. How fair would it be to stay in her life only to cause her nothing but strife? Alison hadn’t signed up for “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”. She hadn’t _let_ her sign up for it. She kept thinking everything would be okay, until it wasn’t.

She had fucked it up. She had been so afraid of losing her that she hadn’t prepared Alison to lose _her_. She didn’t blame Alison for being angry. She was angry at herself. She wouldn’t blame her if she kicked her out and never talked to her again. But she knew that wasn’t her girlfriend’s style. She’d slap her and then kiss her. She’d tell her she hated her, but then in the same breath tell her that she loved her. And she did. She really did. But what did that mean for Alison?

 _“The way that girl looks at you? She’s not going anywhere.”_ Her dad had assured her.

That was part of the problem. Alison wasn’t going to be the one to leave. So how could Emily protect her from getting hurt any further? Did she really want to subject Alison to all the horrors she’d been through when Maya was dying? Watching her deteriorate and die had been what had driven her to her overdose. She’d already been so weak from her treatments, and she’d been recovering from a setback she’d had when she collapsed the night of Maya’s death.

Everything she’d been through had caused a deep depression, because she didn’t feel like herself anymore. She’d stopped eating and drinking and had started to give up. The pain from her heartache didn’t help. And the pills had just been right _there_. She hadn’t been thinking at the time. She hadn’t wanted to die. She just didn’t want to be her anymore.

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear Alison walking back into the room. She heard something that sounded like a heavy brush against the carpet and she realized that Alison was trying to sweep up the shrapnel on the floor. She heard a tinkering noise and realized it was the shards being poured into the small garbage can next to Alison’s make-up vanity.

Seconds later she heard Alison putting a cup down on the table next to her bed. She felt the bed shift. Alison ran her fingers down Emily’s arm and lifted her hand, gently pushing something warm against her palm.

“It’s French Vanilla. We didn’t have any Espresso, so I couldn’t make an Americano…”

“It’s fine. Thanks,” Emily said quietly. She took a sip and then reached out to put her coffee cup on the other end table. She reached up and rubbed her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Uh…” Alison looked at the light from her cell phone on the ground, “…two.”

“I’m two hours past my curfew. My parents are probably freaking out.”

Alison grabbed Emily’s cell phone from the end table. When she’d gone to make coffee she’d gotten it from Emily’s purse, which had been tossed on to her sofa the second they’d come through the door making out.

“I texted them pretending to be you. Told them you were running late because of an issue with my car.”

“They’re never going to buy that…”

“It doesn’t matter. Because you’re not leaving this fucking room until everything is out on the table.” Alison put Emily’s phone in her hand. “All the lying stops now, Emily,” she said, her voice firm, but still vulnerable in a way that Emily couldn’t put her finger on. “We need to be completely honest with each other. About _everything_.”

Emily nodded. She put her phone down.

“Okay.”

“I’ll start.” Alison sipped on her drink. “How much do you know about what happened between Jenna and Jason?”

“I know she cheated on him. And I know she made up a bunch of shit to humiliate him. Toby tried to get her to stop…”

“He did?” Alison asked in surprise.

“Yeah. We’d talk about it on the phone sometimes. I didn’t really know much about your family at the time. I mean, I knew _of_ you guys, but I didn’t put two and two together that he was your brother. But Toby told me she was being really vicious to her ex. He didn’t like it.”

“She cheated on him on Valentine’s Day. She hooked up with one of his friends. And they kept seeing each other behind his back. When he found out he confronted him and threw quite a few punches at his friend and then he confronted her. She twisted it around and made it all his fault. Called him a druggie and a burn-out loser and a bunch of other shit in front of all of his Ivy League friends. He went on a bender. Took a bunch of shit and he mixed it with alcohol and ended up in the hospital getting his stomach pumped.”

Emily’s eyes widened.

“No one ever told me that.”

“Because no one knew. My parents paid a lot of money to keep it under the radar. They didn’t need it getting out that their _perfect_ son was anything less than.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Sometimes I think they’re just as much to blame…” She drifted off.

“Look, what Jenna did…”

“It wasn’t just that, Emily.” Alison interrupted her. “She _kept_ digging at him. She continued to spread rumors…lies. She kept hurting him. For _months._ And I had to deal with the aftermath. My parents couldn’t be bothered to keep Jason on the straight and narrow. I was the one who dragged him off of the bathroom floor and cleaned up his vomit. I was the one who sat awake at 3 AM wondering if he had wrapped his car around a pole or if he would ever be coming home. I was the one who had to listen to him cry in his room, even though he swore up and down that he was fine. And it got to me. I let Jenna get to me. So I…I was _stupid_.”

She shook her head. What had she been _thinking_? Looking back she realized how reckless and dangerous it truly was.

“I just…I wanted to scare her. I wanted her to leave my brother alone. I thought breaking a few of her clay molds would do the trick. I waited until the Fourth of July, because I figured there would be fireworks going off everywhere and that even if Jenna heard them go off she wouldn’t know it was in the garage. The window was open. I didn’t know you three were in there. It was so quiet.”

“Yeah,” Emily said, nodding slightly. “It was quiet that night.” Her forehead scrunched up. “Jenna usually goes into this weird meditation mode when she’s working with her clay. And Toby and I were just going through my clothes. He was in this weird emo phase where he didn’t like to talk, so he jammed his earbuds in his ears and pretended to be some cool grunge rocker. And I was just tired from all the traveling. I’d just finished my last treatment like six months earlier. We were all kind of lost in our own world.”

“I really thought Toby knew. I thought that’s why he hated me.”

“Toby doesn’t _hate_ you. No one hates you, Ali.” Emily cupped Alison’s hands in hers.

“Not even Jenna?” Alison asked skeptically.

“Well, Jenna hates everyone and everything. I think I saw a butterfly frown at her once.” The devil would run from her cousin and Emily knew it. “She doesn’t count.”

Alison smiled. The warm feeling that Emily brought out in her gave her a brief reprieve from the reality of the situation. She couldn’t believe how calm and how patient the girl was. She truly was too good, too pure, for the world. But that didn’t mean that the world got to snuff her out. Alison wouldn’t let it.

Alison couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she’d nearly killed Emily after she’d survived cancer.

“You have no idea how much I regret hurting you all that night. What I did to you…even if it’s not my fault that you’re blind…you were still hurt. I put you three through that fire…through that trauma. You must have been so scared.” She bit her lip. All she could think about was what Emily had told her about not being able to breathe in the ambulance. She swallowed hard. “I…I need you to tell me about that night again.”

Emily frowned. She didn’t want to put her through that. The last time she’d talked about it had been when Alison was drunk and upset about Noel harassing her. She didn’t realize Alison actually remembered the conversation that well.

“I already told you, I don’t remember most of it. It’s this big blur. You pretty much know everything already.”

“Look, if you’re trying to protect me…don’t. I need to know the truth, Emily. I need…I need to know what I did.” So she could try to make amends or whatever she had to do to move past it.

“Um…” She looked like she was deep in concentration, like perhaps somewhere deep in her mind she _did_ remember it, like maybe she’d closed it behind a door somewhere. “I struggle with my memory sometimes, especially when it comes to that night, so it might not be exactly what happened. I just know that Toby and I were sorting through boxes and then there was an explosion and it all went to hell after that. I made him help Jenna, and I ended up trapped inside.”

“How? Did…you…why didn’t you just follow him out?”

“I was right behind him. But a beam fell and blocked my path. I remember…” She had to think really hard, because a lot of it was fuzzy. “I think I remember him yelling my name. He says he did. He told me later he thought that the beam had knocked me out. He was terrified it had killed me.”

“Were you scared?”

“At the time I was more determined to live than anything. I don’t remember feeling anything. Just…adrenaline, I think.”

“You said you got out through a side window?”

“Yeah. I remember collapsing right outside after I squeezed through.” Emily nodded.

“How long were you stuck before you found your way out?” How many agonizing minutes of terror had Alison added to her already stressful life?

“I don’t know. Three…four minutes, maybe? I don’t remember. All I know is that I knew I had to get out or I was going to die. But it wasn’t very long. I mean, it seemed like forever at the time, but when something like that is happening you don’t have time to stop and take a count of every second passing by.”

“It was long enough for you to pass out from smoke inhalation,” Alison muttered. “They had to put you on oxygen, right?”

“That’s standard procedure for anyone who has been in a fire.”

“You survived a fucking tumor twice and I almost killed you…”

“I know you didn’t mean for it to happen. I don’t blame you.”

“How are you not more pissed about this?” Alison frowned. Any normal person would be in a rage right now, if not for herself then for her cousins. “Do you really care that little about your life?” There was poison in her tone.

She expected Emily to get mad and snap back at her. She _wanted_ her to get mad at her, but Emily just sighed and shook her head.

“In my life I’ve learned that you have to pick and choose your battles.” She had a pensive look on her face. “I’m too tired to fight the past.”

Emily suddenly felt a chill in her body and she realized that what had once been warm sweat glistening on her skin was now cool and wet and she no longer had Alison’s body heat to keep her warm. Her teeth chattered and she reached down to pull the sheets up around her. Out of instinct, Alison pulled the heavy comforter over the both of them and moved against Emily’s body to warm her up.

Emily offered a timid smile. She tentatively reached for Alison’s hand, and when Alison didn’t pull away she curled her fingers around it.

“You didn’t set out to hurt us. I know that. Because I know _you_. It’s a lot to digest. I’m not going to lie. I’m…surprised.” She admitted. “But I’m not mad.” How could she be angry when she’d been sitting on her own secret? “I can’t speak for Toby and Jenna here, but that’s not the hill I want to die on.” She paused when she realized what she’d said. “Sorry. Poor choice of words.”

Alison cringed. Part of her wanted to grab Emily and hold her. The other part of her was terrified to do something that might hurt her. And the pissed off witch in her wanted to slap her and tell her to get out of her house, because how dare she hide something this huge?

“How did it start?” Alison reached up, touching the tattoo on her collar bone. She felt like she understood it now. She understood a lot of things now. And it hurt to understand. “Initially, I mean…how did it start?”

Emily took a beat before she answered. It had been a long time since she’d first been diagnosed and sometimes it felt like a hazy cloud of confusion.

“Headaches,” she said. “When I was a kid it started with headaches. I’ve had them for as long as I can remember, but they started getting _really_ nasty when I was six.”

Alison started grinding her teeth to fight back her tears. She didn’t want to cry. She was afraid that once the waterworks started they would never stop. She thought about all the times Emily had been fighting headaches. She’d been fighting so much more than that.

“I’d get them so bad that I would cry for hours. The doctors in Rosewood didn’t find anything on the initial exam. It wasn’t until the headaches started getting worse that they went looking for the source. They saw something on a scan. A tiny little blip. At first they thought it was just a benign cyst. They did a non-invasive procedure to biopsy it, and everything looked fine. And it _was_ fine…for a while. They put me on migraine medication and that was that. But then the headaches came back worse than before and I started having other problems. Nausea. Blurred vision. Trouble sleeping. Flashes of blinding light. Strange things floating in my field of vision.”

All of that sounded painfully familiar. She was going through that now.

“So all those times you…” Alison stuttered out, still trying to keep from crying. “The…the headaches, the upset stomachs, the shaky hands, the lack of appetite…that was all…because of…because…” She couldn’t say it. It hurt to even think it.

“Yeah.” Emily sighed. “I mean, I didn’t know it at first. I suspected, but I didn’t want to believe it. Because I was in remission when I got back last summer…”

“You never said a word.” Alison stared blankly at the wall. “You’ve been dealing with this for eleven years. And you never said a word. How could you deal with something that long and just _live_ with it?” Alison faced her, tears in her eyes. “My God, Em, you were just a baby.”

“What were my other options? I had no choice _but_ to live with it.” Emily shrugged. “When a six-year-old goes to the doctor with headaches they tend to think it’s either vision related or growing pains. Even when the headaches got worse and my symptoms started getting more severe we never expected it to be…” Emily stopped and took a thoughtful pause. “We just thought maybe the cyst was growing. They scanned me again and it…” She chewed on her swollen bottom lip. “It wasn’t a cyst. It was a malignant glibolastoma. We found out two days before my seventh birthday.”

“Jesus Christ.” Alison huffed.

Seven years old and facing death. What a horrible thing to have to go through as a child. Alison was angry that Emily had kept all of this from her, but at the same time she could only imagine her sweet Emily as a little girl and facing something like cancer.

“The doctors in Rosewood recommended that we go to a hospital that was better equipped to deal with it…more specialized. And so the bouncing around and moving started. Everyone thought we were moving because of my dad. Mom started homeschooling me, because she needed something to keep her mind off of the reality of the situation.” Her brow furrowed. “And I think it was her way of trying to make me feel normal…like I had a future.”

Good for Pam. Alison considered what it must be like for the parent of a sick child. No wonder the woman watched Emily like a hawk. She didn’t blame her for being a helicopter parent.

“She was right.” Alison gave her a watery smile. “And apparently a hell of a tutor. Look at you kicking ass on the SATs now.”

“She was great in some subjects. But my dad insisted on covering History and Engineering. He made some special requests to come home and be with me and mom while I was getting treatments. For the most part they sorted it out and stationed him at bases near the hospitals where I was being treated. I loved having him with us, but…it was weird.” She drifted off.

“Having him home?”

“Knowing that the reason he was home was because I might die.”

Hearing that sent a chill through Alison’s body. She seized up. That made it feel extremely real to her and she didn’t like it.

“I was at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta for a couple of years. I was in a couple of trials. I did a few rounds of chemo. Nothing super intense. They didn’t give the full dosage because they were using other experimental drugs. Drugs with less side effects. They found out pretty quickly that chemo wasn’t the best route for me. I didn’t do well on it. It actually made my symptoms worse and the cancer didn’t respond to it like they wanted. But it responded to the other treatments. I was in and out of the hospital for a while. But I got better.” She smiled. “And then once my doctor gave me the all clear we came back to Rosewood. Hanna was so excited.” She chuckled. “She kept talking about how sixth grade was going to be _our_ year.”

“I can’t believe I missed out on knowing you back then. I wish…I wish I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own world that I didn’t notice someone like _you_.” Maybe she would have gotten more time with her.

“It’s not like I was really around much. I was lucky if I could go out to the mailbox by myself. My mom was so overprotective back then…”

“You mean she’s chilled out since then?” Alison asked in astonishment.

“Hard to believe, right?” Emily smiled weakly.

It was the first smile that had broken across her face since she’d dropped this bomb on Alison. And it made Alison melt. It made her forget what they were talking about.

“I wasn’t here very long. About a year and a half after we moved back to town the cancer came back, so we moved to Texas for an experimental treatment in Houston. When that didn’t work they recommended Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I’d been there before during an earlier treatment the first time. Mom and dad really liked the team there. The medicine is constantly advancing. They’ve got so many great minds. I was there for…” She stopped to do the math in her head, “…eighteen, nineteen months. They did some non-invasive procedures and a trial of microblast radiation. Then when I was well enough they did an exploratory surgery.” She reached up, rubbing the back of her neck, her fingers pressing against her scar. “They got about eighty-five percent of it. And they submitted my case for another trial to eradicate the remaining fifteen percent. I was selected…”

Her throat felt like it was closing up. The memories swarmed her like dozens of moths circling her. They were fluttering around a door in her mind that she kept closed. She nervously rubbed her eyebrow.

Alison picked up on the nervous tic. She reached up and grasped her fingers, pulling them away from her face. She touched Emily’s cheek with her other hand and made her sit still, made her focus. She wasn’t going to let her shut down now.

“And?” Alison asked.

Emily exhaled heavily.

“It worked.” Emily shrugged.

Alison took note of the look on her face. Emily almost looked _conflicted_ that she had seemingly been cured. Like she felt guilty. Perhaps it was the fact that she’d kept it a secret for so long.

She had no idea that Emily was holding back. There was more to it than that. Emily had often felt like she didn’t deserve the trial that had saved her life.

“For the most part.” Emily added. “There were some minor complications, which we knew going into it. Because of the location and the type of treatment and the likelihood of scar tissue forming on my optical nerve there was a risk of visual impairment…and total blindness. But I was already going blind anyway.” She motioned to her eyes. “And it’s not like we had much of a choice. It was a _really_ aggressive tumor. My family and I rolled the dice on the trial.” There was a strange hesitation in her tone. “Or _they_ did, I guess.”

“Did you not want to?” Alison questioned, her face pensive and confused.

“It wasn’t just about me, Ali,” Emily sighed. She pursed her lips together. “It never is. It’s really hard to explain.”

It was her life, and even though she had been exhausted and had reservations about the trial she knew she had to think about the people she loved. Coincidentally, that’s also the reason she didn’t want to take a spot in the trial. Because her acceptance meant that someone else wouldn’t get the chance to live like she would.

Maya.

Emily started to tell her about her, and how they’d been up for the same trial. But mentioning her while they were in bed, after they’d just slept together…it didn’t seem right. Alison would find out everything about Maya soon enough. But tonight wasn’t the time or place.

“All that matters is that it was our better option. And it was the right one. It saved my life. I went into remission when I was fifteen, right after Christmas.” _Right after Maya died..._

Alison saw her clench her jaw and she didn’t quite understand it. That sounded like a good thing. Her thumb traced the pattern of her chiseled jaw line.

“Em, what am I missing?” Alison frowned. “How did we end up here?” She moved her thumb underneath Emily’s right eye.

“When you spend your entire childhood and adolescence in a bubble of medicine you learn not to get overeager about good news,” Emily said. She took a thoughtful breath. “I appreciate every single second of every single day. I do. I always have. But I also knew to be skeptical of any premature happiness. My parents knew that, too, but they’ve always relied heavily on the power of positive thinking. So even with the possibility of impending worsening visual impairment my family chose to look on the bright side, which ironically I was not going to be able to see in the future.”

“That must have been terrible. To lose your sight like that.”

“Not entirely. It was something I was glad to trade for my life. I’m not saying it was easy. It was hard at first. And frustrating. There was a lot to learn. I was fortunate that it was gradual. It wasn’t bad when I first started having problems. Nothing a few corrective lenses couldn’t help. But the doctors told us it would probably get progressively worse as the scar tissue hardened. But other than that everyone was optimistic. My parents were already thinking about our next steps the second they heard the good news. They were so excited. Dad talked to his sister and we made plans to move back to Rosewood, because it’s close to Baltimore and to mom’s family in Delaware. We came to visit the summer I was sixteen to look at houses.”

Which meant Spencer had been right about the fact that Emily had _just_ gotten back to town when the whole Fourth of July disaster had thrown Emily’s entire family for a loop. To think that she’d just been free and clear of cancer only to be thrown into that fire…it made Alison’s stomach ache.

“Mom wanted me to get back into a normal routine, so I ended up at this small private all-girl’s school for the blind for my sophomore year. I think my mom just liked it because the drive took 45 minutes, so we got to spend a lot of time in the car together.” Emily admitted. “And she was worried I’d get a little crazy with my newfound freedom and start sleeping around with a bunch of guys or something.”

Both of them laughed at the irony.

“I have a feeling if I’d come out then she would have turned that car around and insisted on home schooling me again,” Emily said. “The school for the blind really helped me. It gave me the confidence I needed to be ready for the loss of my sight. I was doing great in school and I was doing okay on my meds.” She smiled, though Alison could tell that her thoughts were distant. “After I started to get more comfortable with my cane and with Ace I talked to mom and dad about letting me finish up my senior year at Rosewood High. Between the doctor’s visits and the school for the blind I was just wiped. I just wanted to be at home. I wanted to be with my family and my friends. I just wanted a normal life.”

It killed Alison to hear Emily talk about herself like she _wasn’t_ normal. Because Emily didn’t realize that not being normal was what made her so special. It softened her anger briefly.

“You’re _not_ normal, Emily,” Alison said. “You’re so exceptionally not normal. That’s the girl I fell in love with. This…all of this…it doesn’t make you any less who you _are_. Because you’re right. You said you’re the same person you’ve always been.” She was _her_ Emily. She’d always be her Emily. “I fell in love with you because you are so perfectly unique. You’re the same person who caught me in her arms when I was running from a wasp…”

“It was a hornet.” Emily laughed with tears in her eyes.

“You caught me every time I fell.” Alison smiled through pained tears. “I just wish I had known.”

“I wish I had told you,” she admitted. “I knew there was a chance it could come back. But I thought I was done with it.” She bit her lip. “I _felt_ done with it. I thought for sure…” She clenched her jaw. “I was feeling fine when I first got back…when we…” She thought about the day they’d met, “…when we were first getting to know each other. But I…uh, I noticed the symptoms a few weeks before Halloween. It was right after our kiss at Spring Cove. I was feeling weak. Tired. My meds make me feel sluggish sometimes, so that wasn’t something that scared me.”

Alison tried to think back to see if she’d somehow missed it. _How_ had she not seen it? The fatigue? The lack of appetite? The constant headaches? The bad dreams? The forgetfulness? The weakness in her hands? The shakiness? She had chalked a lot of it up to Emily’s anxiety after the attack. After all, the symptoms lined up with the concussion and the following trauma. She had _never_ suspected anything like this.

“So…when did you find out?” Alison asked. “How?”

“After Ben attacked me, when we went to the ER and Doctor Gold did that CT she saw something.”

Everything was starting to make so much more sense about that day. Emily had begged them not to take her to the hospital and once they got there she’d fearfully tried to back out of it, downplaying her injuries. Had she subconsciously known the tumor was back?

“But I…I was with you the whole time. The doctor never said…”

“It was when you’d gone to get something to eat. When the doctor came back she was acting really strange. And I knew. I had just calmed my parents down about the assault. I had the phone muted. I told her not to say anything to them about the CT yet. I told her that I had an oncology team and that I’d appreciate it if she’d send them the scans for a second opinion, and since she was only technically treating me for the assault injuries she wasn’t legally obligated to tell them about the findings on the CT.”

“That’s why Toby wanted you to stay. Not because of the concussion.” It dawned on Alison.

 _“It’s not like this is the first time…”_ she’d said to Toby that day.

“It’s why he was so pissed.” Emily nodded. “He was so afraid that I was going to die if I didn’t stay.”

 _“I don’t think you realize how bad it is…”_ Toby had said.

“You…didn’t think to tell me then?”

“I was freaked out, Ali. I’d just been attacked and then found out that my cancer might be back for a third time. And I was…I was in _so_ much pain.” She admitted.

“I would have gotten you more pain meds if you were hurting…” She would have gone to the ends of the Earth for her girl.

“It wasn’t just physical.” Emily searched for her hand. “You have to understand that on top of what Ben did, I had a whole hell of a lot come flying back at me that night. When you’re in and out of remission you constantly wonder if _this_ is going to be what gets you. And I’ve watched so many other kids in the cancer ward die.” She bonded with kids like her very easily. She loved them, fell in love with them, and was loved in return. But that meant it hurt more when they said goodbye. “I always thought that when it was my time I’d be okay. But then I met you. And I fell in love. And it wasn’t _just_ me anymore.”

No wonder she’d shut down. No wonder she’d been acting so strange. She’d been carrying this with her since she was a child. And the complexity of love only made things more strenuous.

“I almost told you that night in the hospital. When I was drugged up.”

“That’s what you were trying to explain when you were talking about being in the hospital before?” Alison questioned.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “I tried, but it didn’t come out right. I knew it wouldn’t. And at the time I still didn’t know anything for sure and I didn’t want to scare you. I knew there was a small chance it was just scar tissue. I wanted to be sure before I said anything.”

“When…when did you know for sure?”

“I started getting headaches again. After the attack.”

All the times she’d seemed distant and tired. All the times she’d looked like she’d had sleepless nights. All those times she’d been suffering. In silence.

_God, my stupid stubborn little idiot…_

“I started getting these violently painful flashes in my field of vision, even though I can’t see. It was just like the last time.” She sighed. “I knew for sure around Christmas. And a few weeks later I went in to get a PET scan to confirm it.”

“When you took that first trip out to Baltimore.”

Alison remembered that she’d wanted Emily to skip the trip to what she’d thought had been to see her family at the time, but Emily had told her it was important that she go.

Emily nodded. She’d been so freaked out that day that she’d pretty much blacked out during the scan. She remembered cursing herself for telling Hanna she could just stay at the motel, that she’d be okay and she needed to talk to Nate on her own. But she’d been so petrified when she was going in for the scan that she’d latched on to Nate’s hand and refused to let go. He’d stayed with her the whole time. He’d taken her to a room afterwards to try and get her to calm down, but she’d felt trapped. She’d ended up making a beeline for the bathroom, thinking she was going to puke. Instead she’d just let a cold feeling of reality wash over her. And a calm resignation of her fate had seized her.

Seeing Lily had certainly helped. Cancer kids had special bonds. And that little girl was one of the most special children she’d ever met. The kid never faltered.

Emily hadn’t waited around for the results. Because in her gut she knew. So she’d bailed on Nate and told Hanna everything was fine when she’d gotten back to the motel.

“God, I am so stupid. I am so fucking stupid,” Alison said in disbelief.

She had never suspected a thing. She was the queen of manipulation. She lied professionally. And she’d been blindsided. But that’s not what pissed her off. What pissed her off is that all this time Emily had been facing this _alone_ , without her.

“No, Ali. This isn’t on you. I…”

“Four months.” Alison uttered, turning sharply to face her. “You found out _four_ months ago that you had cancer again?”

“I should have told you then. I tried. I really did. Several times. But every time I started to say something about it I panicked. I knew it was coming back. And I knew what that meant.” Her lips turned into a grimace. “It’s never just about me.” She squeezed Alison’s hand. “I thought of you every step of the way, Alison.”

“Then why the hell didn’t you say anything? Why wouldn’t you just talk to me about this?”

Emily lowered her head and huffed out a sigh.

“Was it all a lie?” Alison questioned. “Just some…get it out of your system, one-last-hurrah before you die thing?”

That garnered Emily’s attention. She reached out to touch Alison’s face. Because that’s the last thing in the world that this was. Emily felt so lucky to have fallen in love with her. It had given her so much to look forward to, to fight for. It gave her so much hope.

“No. God, no. Ali…no…” She clenched her jaw to fight back tears. “I love you. I’m _in_ love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the day you sat down next to me on our bench at the park.”

That’s why it had been so hard for her to tell her. Because she knew she was going to break her heart. And she couldn’t stand it.

“Falling in love with you wasn’t part of the plan.” Emily sucked her bottom lip into her mouth.

“So, what? You just thought lying to me was the better option?” Alison’s tone was laced with anger, but also with a heavy dose of fear.

She knew she was being a hypocrite. She’d been holding on to the secret about the Fourth of July since they met. She kept waiting for Emily to throw that back in her face. But she didn’t.

“I didn’t lie to you. I just…I thought I could get a handle on it…like before. I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t know how,” Emily said softly. “I came back to Rosewood to get my life back. I didn’t know that life was going to include you. I didn’t expect to fall in love. I didn’t…I didn’t know _you_ were going to fall in love with me. And when it came back I didn’t know how to feel.” Emily lowered her head and a tear slid down her cheek. “There was this weird disconnect, like despite everything I knew about the reality of the situation that maybe…maybe I could just do the exact same treatment and I’d go into remission again. But now I’m not so sure…” She sighed. “I’m sorry. I never would have let this happen if I had known…”

Alison had never seen her break like this before, not even after the assault. It was positively shattering. It was too much for Alison to bear. Her anger suddenly dissipated and she felt an instinct to reach out, to comfort her. She couldn’t stand to see her sweet mermaid upset. She reached up, cupping her face, pushing her forehead against Emily’s.

“Hey, don’t cry, sweetie.”

Another tear slid down Emily’s cheek. Alison brushed it away. She felt her eyes burning, her own tears threatening to spill over on to her face. Emily reached up to touch Alison’s face.

“I’m sorry, Alison. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” Emily cried softly. “I never wanted to hurt you.” She had blindsided her. She knew it was eventually going to come to this. “I was afraid that all you’d be able to see when you looked at me was the disease, that…that you’d think less of me. And I was afraid I’d lose you if you knew the truth. And I know that makes me selfish and a terrible person…”

“Em, stop.” Alison touched her arm. “Please don’t cry. Please…”

Because if Emily kept crying Alison was going to break down, too. Her heart couldn’t take it. It was terrifying to see her upset, because she knew now that it was coming from a deep place of fear. And that was horrifying. Because Emily Fields didn’t get scared. If Emily was scared that meant it had to be really bad.

 _Of course it’s bad. It’s fucking cancer._ She sniped at herself.

“God, this is just…so hard.” Emily tried to keep it together.

“They’ve treated it before, right?” Alison asked, a hint of desperation in her tone. “They can…you can just go through the treatment again? You…you can beat it?”

Emily sighed and bit the inside of her cheek.

“I don’t know.” She could feel her nose burning. Her eyes hurt. “I’ve been going to Johns Hopkins and seeing Maya’s brother. He specializes in pediatric and adolescent oncology. He’s on this research team that works on all kinds of trials. He’s the one who got me into the original trial when I was fourteen.”

At the expense of his sister. Because he couldn’t show favoritism, and when the committee took a vote he was the deciding factor. Emily cringed when she thought about it. Had she not been there Maya could have been the one who ended up in the trial.

“He’s the one who has been working my case. The meds that I’ve been taking, the ones everyone assumes are for my eyes, are for a targeted maintenance therapy. They were supposed to prevent the cancer from returning or slow the growth if it did return. But it’s not an exact science. Sometimes it fails.” She explained. “I was still going for my regular scans and everything was fine. But then Dr. Gold did that CT in the ER and everything just…went to shit.”

That day had changed everything. Sometimes Emily blamed Ben, just because it felt like it was his fault. It’s like when he’d slammed her head against the lockers he’d awoken all the cancer cells in her body. Even though she knew that wasn’t how it really worked. It just felt easier to blame him than to get angry at her own body.

“As soon as I found out I called Maya’s brother. I needed a loophole to keep Dr. Gold from talking to my parents. And he was it. I knew I could talk him into looking at my scans without involving them.”

She’d been hesitant about involving Nate at first, because she didn’t want to risk him losing his license for helping her. But he’d insisted. He wanted what was best for her.

“Your parents don’t know?” Alison’s eyes widened. _Holy shit, Emily. Seriously?_

“They do. Now.” Emily nodded. “I just…didn’t tell them everything when it first started. I didn’t want them to panic…”

“You didn’t want them to _panic_ about something that could _kill_ you?” Alison laughed darkly.

“You don’t understand. I have put them through _so_ much. I just couldn’t stand the thought of putting them through it again. So when my mom found out about my first trip to Baltimore I told her that I needed to talk to Nate about a change in my meds and to get routine bloodwork done. She was pissed, but she didn’t fall apart. And it wasn’t worth her falling apart at that point, because I still didn’t know anything _for sure_.” Because she’d dodged Nate’s calls. Because she had known exactly what that scan was going to show. And she just wanted to bury her head in the sand, like an idiot. “It was only after I went back the second time and sat down and talked to him about my options that I knew I had to tell them.”

“Who else knows about this?”

“Just Toby. And Hanna.”

Hanna fucking Marin knew about it, but not her? She tried to remember that Emily had a history with Hanna. They’d known each other since they were in diapers together. They were practically sisters. She had nothing to be jealous of, nothing to be angry about…except…Emily had fucking cancer and didn’t tell her.

“She’s known since we were kids,” Emily explained.

 _Are you fucking kidding me?_ She managed to keep from screaming it out loud.

“And Aria? Does she know, too?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “I love Aria and I trust her with my life, but I didn’t want anyone else finding out about it. Hanna was with me when my parents and I initially found out. It was just…it’s different. She was _there_. And we never told Aria. I just didn’t want her to know.” She paused, a strange noise in her throat. “Never thought I’d have to tell anyone.” She sighed. “It was so weird dealing with it without my mom and dad. But in a way it gave me this perspective of freedom I’d never had before. It gave me time to think. On my own.” She realized what that sounded like and quickly backtracked. “Not that I don’t appreciate their involvement. I never would have gotten through any of this without them. My mom, as overbearing as she can be…she’s been my rock. And my dad risked everything to be with us. His livelihood. His career. Everything. I’m lucky. His commanding officer has been more than understanding of our situation.”

Alison felt a lump forming in her throat. And she couldn’t help but think about how Emily had mentioned that the army didn’t dole out favors just because they were feeling generous.

“All this is why your dad really came back to Rosewood, isn’t it?”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t so he could discuss his daughter losing her virginity after prom. I don’t think they have a form for that in the military.” Emily cocked an eyebrow, a soft smile on her face.

Alison glared at her. She was so fucking hard to stay mad at when she smiled. It’s like the ice melted and left Alison in a warm hot spring in the sun.

“Stop doing that.” Alison frowned.

“What?” Emily asked innocently.

“Smiling at me.” She couldn’t be upset with her when she saw that smile.

“Would you rather I scowl? I’m told I look like my mother when I scowl.”

“Oh God, Emily, do _not_ mention your mother in bed right now. Or ever when we’re in bed.”

Emily’s lips twitched into a pensive smile. Because the way she’d said it suggested they would be in bed together again.

“Sorry, do you want to talk about my dad and his many weapons and his predisposition to be overprotective of his baby girl?”

“Okay, if anyone seduced anyone, _you_ seduced me, Little Miss Dirty Dancing.”

“That’s fair.”

“You were the most beautiful prom queen I’ve ever seen.” Alison threaded her fingers through Emily’s hair. _And the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen in the throes of passion._

“I’m sorry this is how it ended…” Emily’s head drooped, her chin pointed down. She’d ruined their prom night.

Alison could see the reservations she had written all over her face.

“It must be bad.” Alison bit her lip, gently tracing her finger along Emily’s temple. “With your dad being back and all.”

Emily nodded, the muscles right below her eyes twitching as she blinked.

“It’s slow-growing. And rare, especially for someone my age. There’s not a whole lot of research on it. And the treatments that were modified for it aren’t working anymore. My parents went with me to my last PET scan two weeks ago.”

Emily sat up against the headboard, pulling the covers up against her body. Just talking about it made her feel cold. Alison subconsciously followed her movements.

“Okay, so…what do you…” She stopped herself. It wasn’t just Emily in this, “… _we_ , what do _we_ do now? How do we fight this?”

When Emily didn’t respond Alison felt the blood in her veins run cold. She stared at her, horrified, in shock…because _no_ , she refused to let Emily give up. She refused to believe she could lose her when she’d _just_ gotten her.

“You _are_ going to fight this, aren’t you?”

“Ali, I have a lot to think about,” Emily said softly. “Things changed after my last scan. My doctors have put together another treatment protocol. But it…” She tried to think of the best way to describe it, “…it’s still in the _very_ early trials. They haven’t even finished testing it yet. It’s experimental and…dangerous in a way. I’ve talked it over with my parents already. With me being eighteen in a few weeks it’s completely up to me.” She left out the part where she’d made sure all the legal documentation was in order for whatever medical decisions she made, because that would just make Alison panic.

“You can’t seriously be considering just…” She stopped herself short. She was way out of her league and she knew it.

“What…giving up?” Emily knew that’s what she wanted to ask. And two weeks ago she would have told Alison she would never give up. But that scan. That fucking scan… “It’s more complex than that. I have to look at statistics and facts, and quality of life…”

“Fuck that. You’re a survivor…or else you wouldn’t still be here.”

“Look, I know how this goes…”

“So that’s it then? I don’t…I don’t get a say in this at all?” Alison’s voice cracked, raw emotion coupled with anger.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Emily reached out to touch her arm.

She felt Alison recoil, her mind unable to process any outcome other than Emily coming out the other side of this. Emily gently pulled back, giving Alison her space.

“You have more of a say than you’ll ever know. All I’ve been able to think about since I found out was how to beat this, if not for me…for you. For the people I love. Because I do love you, Alison. But I…” She grimaced and clenched her jaw.

“Just come right out and say it. Don’t string me along. Just fucking say it, Emily.” Alison folded her arms in front of her chest, her eyes fixed on the wall, too afraid to look at Emily’s face.

“I don’t know if I can survive this.” Emily sighed.

Alison moved her head back against the headboard and took a deep breath through her nose, hoping that if she kept her eyes squeezed shut the tears wouldn’t come.

_This can’t be real. This has to be a weird sex induced nightmare. She just banged me so hard that I’m in a sex coma…_

And though she knew it wasn’t logical, that’s what she held on to for several silent tense minutes. When she opened her eyes back up and faced Emily she saw her staring back at her, patiently waiting.

“So…what now?” Alison asked, terrified of the response.

“Now…” Emily said softly, thinking it over. “We just keep going. We go back to life. We finish our senior year.”

“You’re seriously going to parade around like nothing is wrong?” Alison frowned.

“Just until the end of the school year. I need some time to make this call, Ali…”

Alison bit down on her tongue.

“I spent my whole life playing the part of a perfect stepford child.” She shook her head. “I can’t do that again. Not with you. Because you’re the most real thing in my life, Emily. I can’t pretend with you. I can’t just go back to everything being normal…”

“I don’t want anyone to know.” She lowered her head. “People already look at me like I could shatter at any moment…”

“ _Nobody_ looks at you like that…” All Alison saw when she looked at her was a strong Amazonian warrior.

“No. _You_ don’t. But trust me, I’ve been that ‘fragile little girl’ for so long that I _know_. I may not be able to see it, but I can feel it.” Emily admitted.

Alison stared at the girl next to her. The curves of her body, still glistening with traces of sweat. The movement of her breasts as she inhaled and exhaled slowly, yet heavily. Her long dark locks that fell in waves against her body, some of it sticking to the dampness of her cheeks. And her cheeks. The flush color of her cheeks and the way it accentuated her defined jaw line. Her lips, still bruised and swollen from the sex. Her eyes, swirls of light that had been hiding such darkness in them. _God_ , her eyes. Her deep and mysterious eyes. All the little things she adored about her that added up to love. She was perfect and whole.

And she had cancer.

But that didn’t stop Alison from feeling the way she felt. In fact, she was determined now more than ever to reach Emily. She put her palm against the side of Emily’s neck, drawing her close enough that she could smell the sweetness of her breath. She curled her fingers against the side of Emily’s jaw, moving her thumb over her full lips. They were still plump and moist from their intense passion. She moved forward until her lips were hovering over Emily’s.

“Can you feel _this_?” She moved her thumb away and pressed a gentle kiss against Emily’s lips.

She pulled back and glanced at Emily.

“I know you love me,” Emily said softly. She felt it in the deepest part of her soul. “I _feel_ that…”

Against all odds, they had met and they had fallen in love. Emily knew there was a chance this might happen. And that was a problem. Because Alison stood to lose the most. Her heart. Her hope. Her love. Emily knew exactly how devastating it was to watch a loved one go through what she was facing. Because she’d been in Alison’s shoes when Maya was dying. That alone should have been enough to keep her from getting too serious with Alison. She’d felt that resistance since day one. She’d tried so hard to keep her feelings in check. But love didn’t care about logic. She’d fucked up. She’d fucked up dragging Alison into her mess. She’d fucked everything up.

Alison felt the shift in her emotions. She swallowed hard, gently putting her forehead against Emily’s. She peered into Emily’s eyes and then lowered her chin and kissed her again. When their lips separated Emily took a shaky breath.

“Ali, we should…”

Alison interrupted her with another domineering kiss. Something came over the blonde. A force of desperation. The sheer will of determination to hold on to her. Emily reached up, her fingertips lingering gently over Alison’s jaw. She made a strange noise that reverberated in her throat and she forced herself to pull back. She caught her breath.

“…we have to face this…”

Another kiss. Another heavy breath.

“…we can’t just…”

“Shut up. Just shut up.” Alison interrupted her again, kissing her again. _Please…just please let me have this._

She reached out and cupped Emily’s cheeks, gently guiding her face to meet her lips again. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to hear what Emily was going to say, because she had a feeling she knew where it was heading. She kept one hand on Emily’s face and gently laid the other against her stomach, her fingers tracing the outline of her sternum.

She felt Emily’s hand grasp the back of her neck as they both got lost in a sense of one another. They turned their bodies to face one another, both still halfway under the covers. Alison moved one of her legs over Emily’s left hip and pushed her thigh in between her pelvis. She felt Emily grunt into her mouth, no doubt she was still sensitive from earlier. Alison remembered feeling sore after her first time. So she was gentle in her movements.

Emily’s abdominal muscles tensed underneath Alison’s fingertips, but she reciprocated Alison’s motions, mirroring every frictional rub and thrust. She gripped Alison’s thigh, pulling her impossibly closer as their centers met, their pulsing bundles striking each other unabashedly. The slick heat between them increased as they continued in their desperate primal desire to connect, to love.

There was no talking, nor lust of desire. Their bodies were the ones conversing. Their passion was a warm ball igniting between their bodies. The actions of their hearts were easy, natural, as they were each consumed with the other’s body, mind, and soul.

The art of conversation had been overtaken by enthusiastic cries, erratic breathing, and the echoes of their pleasure filling the room. They moved and writhed together until both of them were dripping and shuddering and desperately grasping at skin to hold one another tighter. Their tight buds clashed just enough to send them both over the edge once more.

They both sank back into the mattress, legs still tangled together, arms still wrapped around one other. They slowed their kisses to catch their breath. Alison sweetly pet Emily’s cheek, pushing the sweat away from her dark caramel skin.

Alison took a moment to soak in the afterglow. She stayed curled up against her. The air around them was quiet. The heat from their bodies was lingering in the air and rolling off of the walls. Alison moved down to rest her cheek against Emily’s chest. She wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes and concentrated on Emily’s heartbeat. She relaxed into the motions of her chest rising and falling as her breath steadied.

Emily gently brushed her fingers through Alison’s hair. Alison stayed quiet, and Emily didn’t push her to talk. She knew there wasn’t much else to say. So instead of talking they laid there in silence, Emily stewing in her guilt, Alison swimming in uncharted waters.

It was Alison who finally cut through the tension. She had so much she wanted to say, but there was only one thing that mattered to her.

“I’m not ready to lose you,” Alison said quietly.

“I know.” Emily pulled her close.

It was followed by another blanket of silence. First it was seconds, then minutes, and then more than half an hour passed.

They laid in bed, holding each other without saying a word. Alison’s breathing pattern was calm and steady. For a while, Emily thought she was asleep. It was only when Alison lifted her head and moved one of her hands up to her face that Emily realized she was awake. Alison traced the outline of Emily’s jaw. Her fingers gently ghosted over her eyes. She stared at her for a few seconds and then sighed.

“You lied to me.” Alison accused her again, her thumb delicately moving beneath her left eye.

There was no spite in her tone this time. Emily reached up and put her hand on top of Alison’s fingers, curling her thumb into Alison’s hand in between her face and the palm of Alison’s hand. She gripped her hand and slowly pulled it down.

“I know.”

“I deserved to know…to be a part of this part of your life. I deserved the chance to be included. I deserved better than this.”

Emily swallowed hard. She did. She really did deserve better.

“I’m trying to protect you.” Emily didn’t try to talk her way out of it. She reached up and moved her fingers to the side of Alison’s neck.

 _Trying_. That meant still in present time. Alison’s heart sank. What did _that_ mean? She refused to let Emily shut her out when the brunette needed her the most.

“How?” Alison asked, a heavy bite in her tone. “How do you protect someone from this?”

She saw the look on Emily’s face and she immediately regretted asking it. Because she knew exactly what she would do to protect someone she loved from getting hurt if she was a bomb getting ready to explode. Make sure they weren’t around when the shrapnel went flying.

“Emily, don’t…”

But Emily was already moving to sit up against the edge of the bed. She let the sheets fall away from her body, exposing her bare back to Alison.

Emily moved her foot against the ground until she felt her toes hit the edge of the silky material of her dress. She leaned over to pick it up and then sat back up. In the low light of the room Alison could see the shadows of Emily’s muscles and bones. Was her spine sticking out more prominently? Had she lost weight? Why was she just now noticing this?

Emily pulled the dress up over her legs, moving her hips slightly up off the bed to pull it up her body. She felt a slight tension in between her legs and she held back a quiet pained shudder.

“Emily…” She felt Alison’s hand against her back where the dress was split open from the zipper.

“This isn’t fair to you.” Emily swallowed a knot in her throat. Her fingers were gripping the edge of the mattress.

“It’s not your call to make that choice for me. I’m not going to let you give up. On this. On _us_.”

“That’s not…that’s not what this is.” Emily shook her head. “I’m not saying that.”

“You’re not saying _anything_.” Alison frowned, her voice hitching from her emotion. “You don’t get to just walk into my life…perfect and beautiful and funny and act charming and smart and…and let me fall in love with you and then just…die and break my heart.”

The moment the words came out of her mouth she flashed back to the day they had finally admitted their feelings for one another. Emily had been very persistent in pursuing their love after she’d been attacked in the locker room. But the second it got real Alison had sensed a moment of hesitation on Emily’s part, something that Emily had been willing to overlook because…well, her hormones were raging and she was in love with her. But looking back on it the words were like a knife to the chest. Emily had told her that their relationship was a bad idea and when Alison had asked why Emily had responded,

_“Because I’m destined to break your heart.”_

“You’re right.” Emily didn’t argue. “You deserve better.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that. I still want to be with you. I just…I need to process. This…it doesn’t have to change anything…between us.”

“It changes everything.” Emily sighed.

All she could picture was watching Maya wither away and die. How traumatic that had been. How much it ate away at her every day. But who would she be without Maya? How could she make that decision _for_ Alison? Who was she without Alison? And who was Alison without her?

“It’s not fair to put this on you,” Emily said.

“I’ll fucking decide what I can handle,” Alison snapped.

“Not when it comes to this. You have no idea what you’re signing up for. And that’s on me.”

“But…” Alison’s voice faltered, her anger dissipating. Was this happening? Was this really happening? This was her nightmare, “But I love you…”

Emily felt the sting of those words. Loving someone meant all that much more pain when there was loss involved. She turned around to face Alison, her hand sliding against the mattress until she found her hand.

“I know. And I love you. _So_ much.” Her voice was shuddering. “But I can’t stop this from happening. And this is _a lot_ to take on.”

“I’m sorry I got so mad…”

“Don’t be.” Emily interrupted her. “You were right to get angry. You _should_ be angry. _I’m_ angry. At me. At the situation. I’m angry at _all_ of it. But the thing that makes me the most upset is knowing that I hurt you…I’m _hurting_ you.”

After a few seconds she pulled her hand away from Alison’s. She moved her arm across her chest and rubbed her palm against her arm.

“I…I should go.”

She carefully got to her feet.

“Go? Go where?” Alison felt a flutter of panic in her stomach. She grabbed the oversized nightshirt from the floor. If she had to chase her down the street looking like a whore she would. “Em, I don’t want you to leave. This…we’re…we aren’t done here.”

“I don’t know what else to say.” Emily bit back tears. “No matter what happens I’m only going to end up hurting you.”

“You’re worth every bit of that pain.”

“I can’t…” Her breath was shaky. “I can’t let you suffer the way I have.” She reached for her phone.

“You’re seriously walking out on me right now?”

“That’s not…I’m not…” Emily rubbed her face in frustration. Nothing she was saying was coming out right. She was mad at her brain for not saying what was in her heart. “This is the only way I can protect you. You said it yourself. You need to process. You really need to think about this. We both do.”

“What…what does that mean?” Alison moved swiftly to the other side of the bed.

She nearly jumped out of the bed and tackled Emily. She cut her off before she could move towards the door. She stopped short when she got within a few inches of her. Emily could feel her panicked breaths against her face. She knew that Alison loved her enough that she’d stay with her, but Emily loved her enough to tell her not to.

“What about Paris?” She cried helplessly.

“Alison…”

Alison cut her off with a scorching kiss. She clung to the sides of Emily’s neck as her lips took control of Emily’s. Emily gently broke it apart, but she didn’t push Alison away. Alison stared into her eyes. She knew Emily couldn’t see her, but she knew she could _feel_ her.

“You tell me you don’t feel the same way. You tell me you don’t love me.” Alison took a shaky breath.

Emily bit her lip, which was swollen and moist and bruised from everything they’d done tonight.

“I am doing this _because_ I love you.” She gently touched Alison’s face. She pressed her lips together to keep from crying. “You’ll be able to see that when you’ve had some time to think about this.”

For the next twenty minutes Alison went through an entire range of emotions from distraught to incredibly pissed off. She cried. She yelled. She pleaded. She cussed her out. She debated. She pulled her close. She pushed her away. She completely blew her top. And then, when she had nothing left, she settled. A strange wave of calmness washed over her. She helped Emily call an Uber and then helped her get her things together. Because what else could she do?

They sat out on the porch together. Neither one of them had any energy to speak. Emily reached out looking for Alison’s hand. After a few seconds she felt her nimble fingers on top of her knuckles. Her fingers curled against the side of Emily’s hand. Alison took a shaky breath.

“We have the worst goddamn timing.”

“The _worst_.” Emily reached up with her other hand and rubbed her eyes.

There was a beat of silence. Alison put her free hand against Emily’s thigh. She could still feel what Emily felt like clenching around her fingers. She had been so _magical_.

“Are you sore?” It felt a little ridiculous to her, to talk about sex after finding out about her cancer and all the fighting they’d done. She also felt stupid for asking, because the girl had been battling cancer her whole life. Her pain threshold was probably high. “I was…after my first time…”

Of course, her first time neither she nor the girl she was fucking knew what they were doing. There had been a lot of clumsy moments and then a mishap with a strap-on, which Cece had told her later was a terrible idea for a first time. She hadn’t been able to walk right for days. She had done her best to make sure Emily hadn’t felt the full force of that pain.

“I’m okay.” Emily smiled softly. “Are you?”

“Fine.” But she wasn’t fine. She was pained. Not her body. Her soul.

“I’m sorry…to drop all this on you like this. I wanted to wait…until after we graduated. I wanted you to have the best senior year you could possibly have.”

“I have.” Alison laced her fingers into Emily’s. “Because I’ve been with you.” She heard the sound of a car engine echoing down the street. She clutched Emily’s hand tighter. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” _Please stay._

“Even if I wanted to, I can’t. My parents are freaked out enough as it is. They worry even when I’m home. Me being out this late has probably given them both a heart attack.”

“I can imagine.” Alison stated, more to herself than Emily.

“I can’t keep putting them through the wringer. I’ve got to make a choice here. And I can’t do that unless my head is completely clear. And you…” She turned towards Alison, her eyes looking slightly past the side of her nose. She touched Alison’s cheek, “…you, Alison DiLaurentis, are in every part of my mind, soul, and body. You are my clarity. I want you to know that.”

“I love you, Emily.” Her voice quivered. She pressed her forehead against Emily’s. “I’m always going to love you. Every part of you. I love you because _you_ gave me the courage to love. And I’m never going to stop.”

“I know.” Emily smiled, a pained expression on her face. Alison couldn’t tell if it was emotional or if she had a headache. “And as much as I love you, you need to know it wasn’t just me. You were always capable of love. You were always deserving of it.” Emily heard a car pull into the driveway. She stood up.

“What happens now?” Alison followed her motions.

“We just need time.”

“I still don’t understand what that means.” Alison frowned in confusion.

“I don’t either.” Emily admitted.

“We don’t _have_ time. Not if you’re…” _Dying._ She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t give the power to the word.

Emily felt her pain. She felt everything. Her fingers traced across a lock of Alison’s hair. She pushed it behind her ear and then leaned in to gently peck her lips. Alison saw a tear threatening to spill out of the corner of Emily’s left eye.

“Emily, I…”

“Just think everything over.” Emily grasped Alison’s hips with her hands. “I didn’t give you a choice when we first met. That was wrong of me. I _never_ should have kept this from you. But now you know everything. And I want you to really consider what you want here.”

“I already told you. I want _you_. I thought…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I thought you believed in happy endings. Pip gets Estella, remember?”

Emily could feel the cracking of her heart. She could actually feel it breaking in her chest.

“Hey…” Emily touched Alison’s cheeks. It was moist from a mixture of her sweat and her tears. “This isn’t our end. I love you, Alison. More than anything. Do you understand that?”

Alison nodded. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. Or a fucking nightmare.

“I love you, too, Em.” Alison’s voice cracked.

Emily nodded as she gently pried her hand away from Alison’s so she could grab her things. That’s when the feeling of emptiness started running through her veins. It only got worse as she watched the car drive away with Emily in it.

She sat down on the porch stairs, pressing her bare feet against the finished wooden panel of the bottom step. She played with the sleeve of her nightgown, which she had changed into after she’d screamed at Emily and called her a liar and a quitter. She’d immediately regretted it.

She hadn’t meant all the harsh things she’d said. She was scared, and when she was scared she lashed out. And Emily understood that, which is why she hadn’t fought back. She had stood in front of her with a stoic look on her face. And in some ways that was worse than her fighting back. Because at least if she’d fought back they would have been on common ground. But instead she’d just taken Alison’s shit. Because Emily knew her well enough to know exactly how she’d react.

Because she loved her.

“Fuck.” Alison rubbed her eyes. Why wasn’t love enough? Why couldn’t love cure shit like cancer?

She stared at the moon for a while. She got lost in the stars, lost in the night they’d shared on the cruise. Lost in all of their nights. She wondered if Emily could see how wonderful she was through everyone else’s eyes. She wondered if Emily knew how much she meant to the world…how much she meant to Alison.

The romantic part of her heart was telling her to get in her car and speed over to Emily’s house and propose to her on her front stoop, because she wanted their forever. But the logical part of her knew that Emily had a point. She knew that what they had was special, but that they had to look at things realistically. She knew that Emily had a lot to think about, and truthfully, so did she.

She hadn’t even processed the fact that everything she thought about the Fourth of July was completely skewed. She had been living with the guilt of blinding Emily for almost an entire year. She definitely wasn’t innocent in her actions that night. She _had_ sent three people to the hospital…and ruined Toby’s reputation. But everything she thought she knew was unraveling. She couldn’t even imagine what was going on in Emily’s mind.

If she had ventured a guess she never would have thought that Emily was sitting in the back of her Uber worrying about how she’d let Alison down, how she’d hurt her in ways she couldn’t take back. When the driver had picked her up the girl had sensed Emily was in no mood to talk, so she’d been polite, but quiet.

It wasn’t until the car was pulling on to Emily’s street that the driver meekly asked her to verify the address once more to make sure she got the right house. Before Emily could verify it she heard the girl say something about a man sitting outside.

“Do you want me to drop you off somewhere else?” The driver asked.

“No. It’s okay.” She knew it was her father.

She climbed out of the car, her head pounding. Her thighs were still tense from her numerous passionate love-making sessions. She was sore, but in a good way. She could still feel Alison on her, in her. Her inner walls were tugging from the strange new elasticity. She carefully made her way to the porch. She could smell the medicated muscle cream her father put on every night before bed. She could hear him shuffling around. She felt for his arm and when she found it she sat down on the swing next to him.

“You’re late,” he said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Your mother and I have been worried.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” she said again.

“Emmy, you can’t keep pretending everything is fine. I know you want to be normal…”

She thought about Alison’s words to her earlier,

_“You’re not normal, Emily. You’re so exceptionally not normal.”_

“But I’m not. I know, dad.” Emily sighed. She bit her tongue to starve off her tears. Then she took a breath. “I told Alison.” She linked her hands and wrenched them together. “I told her everything.”

Her dad was silent.

“That’s why I’m late. She refused to let me leave until we talked things through.”

“And did you?”

“Kind of?” It came off more as a question than a statement. “I don’t know.”

“What did she say?” he asked curiously.

 _A lot._ Emily thought to herself.

“I don’t know if she understands what it means to be in love with someone like me.” Though that was on her, not Alison. “Everything that comes with it…”

“I hope you’re not denying her that opportunity because of fear.”

Emily swallowed hard, his words sinking in, as they always did. He was so wise. Emily couldn’t choke back her tears any more.

“I…I can’t do this to her, dad.”

“Em…” he said softly. “We don’t know _what’s_ going to happen.”

“Don’t we?” Emily wiped some of her tears away.

“Miracles happen every day, baby girl.”

“It’s not about miracles, and you know it. It’s about science.”

“It’s perfectly fine to believe in both.”

“Would you put my life in the hands of a priest over a doctor?”

He didn’t take offense. He knew she was hurting. She knew she was being a bitch. She was out of line. She’d just destroyed her girlfriend’s heart. This wasn’t his fault. This was no one’s fault but her own. She pulled back.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t snap at you. You’re just trying to help. I made a mess of everything. If I had just been honest from the start I could have saved everyone all of this grief. I don’t know why I had to make everything so complicated.”

Wayne sat silently in thought for a few seconds before he responded.

“You remember your first diagnosis?”

Emily nodded with a sad smile.

“I think mom cried more than I did.”

There was a pause and then her dad took her hand.

“You didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t cry. At all,” he said. “In fact, I think you picked up on how terrified we were and your initial reaction was to take care of us.” His fingers felt warm against her hand. “You took my face with your little hands…” He picked up her hands and clutched them and continued, his voice shaking, “…your impossibly little hands…and you told me not to worry. You said you weren’t scared and you told me to be brave.”

“I did?”

“You are every bit my child, down to your very nature. It’s in your blood to protect the people you love.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t protect anyone from anything. People still got hurt. Everyone is scared…” She bit her lip. “I…I wish I could be little again, when I was fearless and not afraid.”

“You are the most fearless person I know.”

“I’m not.” Emily drew in a stuffy breath through her nose. “I wasn’t scared then.” She took a shaky breath. “But I’m scared now,” she said quietly. “I’m scared every minute of the day.”

“I know, baby.”

“And I’m just…I’m so tired, dad.” She felt tears biting her eyes again. “It’s so unfair.”

She felt her dad stroke her face, brushing away her tears. She’d never been truly afraid of dying. Not until she met Alison. She had so much to lose now, and it was completely terrifying.

“It’s not fair,” she uttered again. “I don’t know what to do. This sucks.”

She started shaking, though she couldn’t tell if it was from rage or fear. It was overwhelming. It wasn’t very often that she crumbled under the pressure of her illness. She’d always faced it head on. The strong front that she put up around her parents was slowly disintegrating into shambles. But she couldn’t hold it in. She was more afraid of losing Alison and leaving her heartbroken than she was of dying. She finally let herself break down.

She fell into her father’s arms and wept until she couldn’t breathe. She was saying garbled words that made no sense. She sobbed and clutched him, afraid if she let go she was going to collapse.

Pam watched from inside. She wanted more than anything to rush out to help her husband and to be there for her child, but she knew it was too much for Emily. One thing they’d learned from numerous stays in the hospitals was where Emily’s limits were. So she waited. She watched the clock.

And finally, after what felt like forever, she heard the front door open. She heard Wayne huff out a quiet grunt and she raced into the entryway to meet them. She hadn’t expected to see him carrying her, but he had their daughter in his arms. He kicked his foot against the door to get it to close. It stopped a few inches short. Pam quickly shut it. She turned to face Wayne, biting her lip.

“She’s okay,” he whispered, cradling his grown little girl across his chest.

Her legs were dangling over one of his arms and he had his other arm up against her shoulder blades. Her head was slack against the front of his shoulder, her eyes closed. Pam reached up to touch her puffy cheeks.

“She just exhausted herself.” Wayne assured Pam.

Pam nodded and followed Wayne into Emily’s room. Wayne stepped out while Pam got her out of her prom clothes. She changed her into some pajamas. Emily barely reacted to being moved around. It scared her mother.

When Wayne walked back in Pam had her hand on Emily’s forehead, whispering to her to try and get her to respond. Emily just groaned and turned away from her. Pam sighed and stood up and met her husband at the door.

“Maybe we should take her in just in case. She feels warm and she doesn’t seem well…”

“Pam, she’ll be okay. She just needs rest,” he said. “We all do.” He could see the bags under his wife’s eyes, even in the darkness. “Why don’t you head to bed?”

“I’m not going anywhere.” She stared at her daughter. She sat down against the edge of the bed again and gently took Emily’s hand.

Emily wrapped her fingers around her mother’s hand in her unconsciousness and muttered _“mom”_. And just like she’d always done, Pam stroked her fingers through Emily’s hair and whispered,

“I’m here, baby.”

Emily had pulled away as she got older, and Pam understood that. But Pam also understood that there were some things that children always craved…no matter how old they got. It didn’t matter how old she was, when she was sick…she wanted her mother. Pam remembered the first time she’d fallen ill after her mother died. She’d been in her forties. Half the time Pam didn’t tell her mom when she was feeling sick, but a few months after she’d passed, Pam had gotten the flu. And all she’d wanted to do was pick up the phone and call her mother _._

Having a child of her own, a _sick_ child, had taught her about how hard it was to have the shoe on the other foot. But she was going to be on the other end of that call for Emily for as long as they both lived.

“I’m here…” She whispered again.

* * *

 **A/N:** _Important little soapbox message here. Be kind. Just in general. I’ve seen a lot of hate being thrown around lately (not specifically much to do with this fic). I just want people to be kind._

_It may take a little longer to get the next chapter out. Remember those bumps in the road and the suckerpunches I warned everyone about in the beginning of this story? The next chapter has a subject matter that will probably be triggering for a lot of people. It’s shocking and raw and painful. So just be on alert and read with caution._


	26. In the Blink of an Eye

**A/N:** _This chapter heavy on the emotional scale. There is some particularly sensitive material a little more than halfway into it. Go into it with the knowledge that it may hit a vein. It’s a scenario that is a little too real. I almost postponed it due to its nature. It is absolutely a trigger._

* * *

  **Chapter 26:**

**In the Blink of an Eye**

The next morning the sun was shining brightly, mocking Alison as she tried to live in the dark world in her mind. Last night hadn’t been real, right? It had been a nightmare. They’d gone to prom and then they’d come back to her house to make love, and that was it. Emily had bathed in the beauty of their throes of passion and then she’d gone home for her curfew.

All the other stuff…the explosion of secrets…that hadn’t happened, had it? She’d dreamed that because of her guilty conscience. The secret about the Fourth of July had reared its ugly head in her nightmare. To punish her for it her mind decided to play tricks on her…make her think that Emily was dying.

But then she looked up and saw the dent in the wall the snowglobe had made. Reality came crashing down. She looked at her dresser and saw that the snowglobe was gone. She saw one little shard of glass she’d missed when she was cleaning up. The sight of it made her so angry she wanted to throw something else. She stared at the glass for a few seconds, unnatural thoughts running through her mind…thoughts like how sharp it would be, would it slice through skin? Would that end her pain? She blinked, wondering if that’s how Emily felt before she’d overdosed.

A loud car horn sounded in the distance, followed by a loud eruption of laughter somewhere outside. Alison groaned.

_Fucking suburbs._

She glanced at the daylight peeking in. She rolled over, pissed off at the light beaming through the thin opening of her curtains. She growled something about natural light being annoying and then threw a pillow at the shades. Then she rolled over again until the window was to her back.

She stayed in bed, not caring that it was daylight hours. She never wanted to see daylight hours again. Her girlfriend might die. Daylight hours were stupid.

 _Fuck daylight hours_.

She heard her phone go off a few times, but she didn’t bother to check it. She hadn’t even looked to see what time it was. It was only when Jason knocked on her door to check on her that she saw that it was almost noon.

_Fuck time. Fuck everything._

“You alive in here?” Jason turned the doorknob, pausing just long enough to add, “I’m coming in, okay?”

“Go away.” Alison pulled the covers up over her head.

He swung the door open and stood in the doorway for a few seconds. He walked over to her and poked her, like he used to do when they were little. He knew it annoyed her.

“Stop it.” Alison whined, almost like a child.

“What are you doing?”

_Wallowing in self-pity. Lamenting about the fact that life is meaningless. It’s a vast nothing full of nothing._

“Meditating. What does it look like?” Alison snapped.

“You’re seriously still in bed?” Jason questioned, walking towards her dresser, looking for any indication of booze he could confiscate. “That’s usually my move. Oh, how the tides have, little sister.”

“Go away, Jason.” Alison kept her back turned to him.

“What has gotten in to you? Or rather…should I say _who_?”

“I _said_ leave me alone!” Alison huffed in frustration. She refused to let her brother see her crying over a girl.

“Ohhh, _somebody_ has a prom hangover.” Jason leaned against the door frame.

She grabbed a half empty bottle of an electrolyte drink sitting on her nightstand. She spun around, striking as quickly as a snake, hurling the bottle towards the door.

“Get the fuck out!”

She watched the bottle miss Jason and slam against the door frame. It spun out on the carpet and rolled into the hallway. She rolled back over just as Jason turned to face her again.

“Jesus, what the hell happened to you?” His playful tone was gone.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough shit.” He walked in and sat against the edge of the bed. “Alison, what’s wrong?”

He reached out to touch her shoulder, but she jerked away from him. She didn’t respond to him.

“Hey, come on…” He sighed. “Al, it’s me. Talk to me. Did someone hurt you?”

Alison laughed darkly at the irony of the statement. The world had massacred her heart.

“Give me a name and I’ll kick an ass.” Jason promised.

“That doesn’t solve everything, Jason.” She spit hatefully.

“Whoa, ease up. I’m just trying to help.”

“Maybe I don’t want your help. Maybe I don’t need it.”

“Since when have you not needed my help? You’re my little sister, Alison. All we have is each other. I’ve got your back. Always. So if some asshole at school said or did something…”

“It’s not like that.” Alison’s tone finally started to soften. “You can’t fix this, Jase.” That caught his attention. She’d dropped the anger and was being sincere. Her chin started to waver. “No one can fix it.”

No one, except maybe some brilliant doctor. Maybe Maya’s brother. She had to get in touch with him, convince him to convince Emily to fight, to survive.

Jason frowned down at his sister, trying to understand what could have possibly happened between yesterday and today to send her running to the darkness like this. He’d seen how happy she was getting ready for prom. He’d watched as Alison and Emily gleefully acted every bit as in love as he’d seen in every rom-com he’d been forced to watch. The two of them were attached at the hip. The fact that Alison wasn’t with her girlfriend set off alarm bells in his mind.

“Wait a second. Why aren’t you with her? Did something happen with you and Emily?”

Hearing her name shattered something inside of Alison. She turned over, revealing her puffy eyes and swollen cheeks. She felt like an illegitimate chipmunk. She started shaking. Jason could feel the bed moving as she trembled. She let out a sob and then wrapped her arms around him and started crying. He reached up and rubbed her back.

“Hey, whoa…” He hadn’t seen Alison this upset since she was eight years old when their dad had thrown her against a table. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”

He didn’t know much about life, but he knew love when he saw it. And Alison and Emily were absolutely meant to be. The love they had for one another outshined some of the brightest lights in the world. When Alison didn’t offer up what was going on he pried.

“Did you two have a fight or something?”

 _Or something_ was the appropriate answer. But it was a hell of a lot to explain. She still hadn’t swallowed all of the information. Besides, Emily didn’t want anyone to know. And as pissed as Alison was about it, she respected that.

“I think I’m going to lose her.” Alison’s voice was hoarse from crying.

“I thought you two were happy.” Jason had a look of confusion on his face.

“We are. _That’s_ the problem.”

It would be so much easier if this was happening to someone she hated, someone she wasn’t invested in…someone she didn’t love. Because it was easier being on the outside looking in. It wouldn’t have cut so deeply.

“Huh?” Jason frowned. “How is that a problem?”

“It’s…” Alison grumbled in frustration. “I…I can’t explain it.” She moved her hands up to wipe her face. She wiped her snot on her sleeve.

She sat up against her headboard, pulling her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and laid her chin against the top of her knees and sighed.

“Hey, how about I make us some breakfast?” He paused and glanced at his watch. “Or…brunch?”

“That is _such_ a rich white bitch thing to say.” Alison lifted her head weakly. She didn’t realize how tired she was, how much energy she’d drained.

“There she is.” He wiped away a tear with his thumb. “Come on, kid. Drag your ass to the kitchen and at least _try_ for your big brother.” He pat her arm and pushed off of her bed. “I promise I won’t make you talk about it. We’ll just eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Too bad. I’m making tiny unborn chickens and that shit you always say will kill me.”

“God, you and your bacon.” She rolled her eyes.

“Ten minutes. Don’t make me come and drag you by your toes.” He walked towards the door. “Because I will.”

She sank back into the mattress. She sighed. When she closed her eyes she could still see and feel Emily in the bed with her. She could see the look on her face as she felt the pleasure rolling over her. She rubbed her cheek against the pillow. She could still smell the aroma of her perfume, her lotion, her shampoo. Everything about their first time had been so perfect. Special. Why had it ended in such misery?

She heard Jason knocking shit around in the kitchen. She grumbled and grabbed a pillow and shoved it over her head to try and drown out the noise. Finally, when she couldn’t take it anymore she dragged herself out of bed and slunk into the kitchen. Jason was putting the plates down.

“Wow, you actually showed. Thought you were going to stand me up.”

“I’m in no mood for your witty banter.”

“Aw, you think I’m witty?”

Alison glared daggers at him. He just ate a piece of bacon and grinned at her. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he knew that she needed him.

“Come on.” He waved her over.

Alison wordlessly sauntered over to the table. She sat down and then stared at her plate. She heard Jason plop down in a chair, but she didn’t bother to look up at him. She grabbed her fork, but she didn’t eat anything. All she could do was stare at the food. She pushed the eggs around on her plate for a while.

She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt Jason put his hand on top of hers. He wrapped his warm fingers around her small delicate hand. She dropped her fork and looked up at him.

“Look, you might not want to talk to me. But you need to talk to someone.” Jason could see the devastation on her face. “I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, you’re not alone.”

Alison frowned. The one person she _wanted_ to talk to was Emily. Besides, even if she wanted to talk to someone else, they all lived in Rosewood _with_ Emily. For half a second she thought about talking to Hanna, but then found herself staring angrily at her knife wanting to jab it in Hanna’s thigh for not telling her. Hanna had known. This whole time she’d known, and she’d never said a word. She wanted to call her and ream her out.

Maybe she should call Emily and ream her out again, too. At least then she could hear her voice. What was all that bullshit about giving her a choice anyway? Emily had to be insane if she thought that she would change her mind about wanting to be with her just because she was sick.

Not sick.

_Dying._

Or maybe not. Emily still hadn’t made up her mind about anything yet. She’d said as much last night.

Alison still couldn’t believe it. When Emily had fallen asleep on her shoulder after Noel’s Halloween party she’d found it so sweet. Endearing. And it had been the fucking tumor. When she had started to open up to her in the language lab after they’d been in the fight with Noel and Ben she’d been trying to tell her about her previous diagnoses. When they were in the ER and Emily had admitted about her time in the hospital…it was for her treatments...and the inevitable psychological effects that came with being a cancer kid.

The terrible headaches she’d had were related to the tumor. The nightmares were her fears plaguing her, and side effects of the medications she was on. On Thanksgiving day, when she found Emily sitting outside staring off into space it had been about more than just feeling trapped in the church. She’d been drowning in uncertainty. She’d even tried to tell her then. Alison saw that now.

When she’d talked to her on the phone when Emily was in Baltimore – Alison thought she was in Delaware at the time – she’d been able to hear how worn down she was. Because she’d just had a scan to confirm her cancer was back. She’d been dealing with that.

Emily being sick the entire time they were on the cruise made so much sense. Her meds had been changed and her nerves were completely shot. Then when they got back she was always tired. And the flu…God, she’d gotten so ill. How had Pam not freaked out more? That fever Emily had scared the shit out of her. If she had only known how compromised her body really was to that infection…

Jesus. She could have died _then_.

Or maybe that’s not exactly how it worked. All she knew about cancer was what she’d seen in melodramatic TV shows and read in novels. Was it only when patients were getting chemo and radiation that their white blood cells couldn’t fight infections? Or was it something that lasted even after that? Emily had mentioned that the chemo wasn’t effective. How many times had she had it? When? And the radiation?

It was just so much information. She felt dizzy. She hadn’t slept at all. She wasn’t hungry. She had so much to think about. She tried to eat her breakfast, but after she shoveled a few forkfuls into her mouth she felt sick. She shoved her chair away from the table and made a beeline for the bathroom.

She spent half an hour puking and then dry-heaving, hugging the cool porcelain bowl. The water smelled like bleach and fluoride. And a little bit like wet dog, which made no sense, because Ace was the only dog that had ever been in the house and she doubted he’d ever shoved his head in the toilet. He never left Emily’s side. The scent reminded her of water from the hose. She could remember running through the sprinklers in the summertime and feeling like she smelled like stale bread afterwards.

She heard gentle rapping at the door.

“Ali, are you okay in there?”

Alison wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and stood up. She turned the water on and splashed her face. She glanced in the mirror, watching as the water cascaded down her cheeks, some from the tears and some from the sink. She stared at her reflection for the longest time. She looked so different. She felt like an entirely changed person. Emily had done something to her, made her into a better woman. She blinked a few times and then calmly walked over to the door and opened it.

“I’m fine.” Alison pushed past Jason. “Just give me some space, okay?”

Something about her quiet request unnerved him. But he didn’t push it. He watched as she trudged up the stairs. But she didn’t crawl back under the covers. Instead she sat at her make-up counter, staring at the desk. Her phone was sitting next to a bag full of eye shadow and blush. She reached for it. Her home screen was a picture of her and Emily. They were at the park. Alison was in front of the camera giving her best smirk for their selfie. Emily was behind her. Off-camera she had her arms wrapped around Alison’s waist. On camera her chin was hovering over Alison’s shoulder. Her sunglasses were occluding her eyes. Alison mindlessly scrolled through her texts. A lot of the ones from Emily were quirky and flirty, just like her. There was a group message from Aria and Spencer about the prom. She stopped when she got to Cece’s last text message.

_“Hot as always, babe. You two are on fire. I’d do you both.”_

It was a reply to a photo she’d sent to her of the two of them in their prom dresses. Alison cocked her head in thought. She could talk to Cece. Cece was close enough to help her through it, but wasn’t anywhere near Rosewood and didn’t know Emily so there was no chance of it getting back to Emily. She hit the little phone icon at the top of the text message thread and then put the phone up to her ear.

There was a split second where she thought it might be a mistake and she almost hung up, but then she heard the line click and Cece’s dark laugh.

“You’re calling me on the phone rather than texting?” Cece asked. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I…” Alison blinked. She watched herself blink in her mirror. How did she even begin? “I need you to talk me out of a crisis.”

“ _Bien sûr_.” She didn’t sound surprised. “What menial high school annoyance is plaguing you, my dear?”

“It’s not a joke, Cece. I…I’m losing my shit right now. And I’m thinking all kinds of crazy things and I need you to stop me from doing something stupid like jumping out of my window or holding my breath under water until I pass out, because I don’t want to feel this kind of pain, and I just…” She felt the panic starting to seize her again.

“Whoa.” Cece was startled by her outburst. “Take a breath, Ali. And Christ, don’t jump out of any windows. Nothing is worth all that melodramatic shit.”

“You have no idea.” She groaned. “I just found out something horrible and I don’t know what to do. Help me. Please.”

“Hey…slow down, what’s up?” Cece’s tone softened.

“It’s Emily…” She’d promised Emily she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, but Cece was on a completely different continent.

“Is this a love thing? Did she hurt you?” She gasped. “Did she break your heart? I’ll kill her…”

A sob tore from Alison’s throat. The words registered a lot harder than normal. Because Cece didn’t _have_ to kill her…

“She’s dying.”

“What?” Cece breathed heavily into the phone. She muttered to herself for a few seconds in confusion. “What do you mean? I don’t understand. You _just_ sent me your selfies from prom. Did something happen?” She gasped. “Oh, shit. Was it Ben? Those appeals went through, right? I knew that slimy little weasel was better off behind bars.”

Her death threats quickly shifted to Ben. Cece was like that in that way. She was fiercely protective and she almost always had a knee-jerk reaction in these instances.

“Did he come after her again? Did he hurt her? I’ll rip his fucking head off…”

“No. It’s…” Alison felt bile in her throat, which was still sore from her breakfast coming back up, “Nothing happened to her last night.”

Except Alison had taken her virginity, but that wasn’t even on her radar right now. Part of her wanted to keep the two things separate. Yes, she’d found out about Emily’s cancer last night. But they’d also made the most passionate _real_ love either one of them had ever experienced. She didn’t want that tainted. No matter what, the world couldn’t take that experience away from her.

“She has cancer.”

For the first time in her life, Cece was silent. It took Alison a second to remember that Cece’s mother had died from cancer. It probably hit her like a ton of bricks. Alison could hear her breathing, so she knew the call hadn’t been disconnected.

“She has…” It sounded like Cece was having trouble computing it. “What?”

“She’s been sick since she was six. On and off. She was in remission until a few months ago.”

“You’ve never mentioned this before.”

“Because I didn’t know.” Alison felt tears stinging her eyes again, but this time it was out of anger. She was so pissed she’d been in the dark about this for so long.

“She didn’t tell you?” Cece raised her voice, but it was hard to tell if it was shock or outrage.

“She was trying to protect me.”

“What an idiot.” Cece blurted out.

The outburst surprised Alison so much that she laughed unexpectedly.

“I mean, I know you love her. And she is wonderful from what I’ve heard. And she’s absolutely perfect for you in every way. But… _what an idiot_.” She repeated. “Showing weakness doesn’t mean you _are_ weak. Strength doesn’t mean you don’t need help. Strength means admitting when you _do_ need it.”

“I don’t think it runs that deep. She wasn’t thinking about herself. She was thinking about how it would affect me.”

“That’s bullshit, Alison. She should have said something.”

Whether or not Emily should have been straightforward about it was a moot point now, because Alison was in love with her regardless. And she had a feeling even if she had known, she still would have fallen in love with her.

“Yeah, I went over that already. Quite vocally, actually. With some…colorful language. But even after I blew my top she was calm and rational about the whole thing. It’s almost like she was…” _defeated?_ No, that couldn’t be it. Not her Emily, “…she was just calm. And she told me that I had a choice. Like…what kind of shit is that? She kept talking about what it meant for us, that I needed to _understand_ it.”

“I am so sorry, hon.”

“The thing is…” She paused. “I think I get it. I get where she was coming from. She was so afraid of losing me that she was willing to shield me from it. I’m no different. I did the same thing to her.”

She heard Cece gasp on the other end of the line.

“Jesus, what…what the hell do you mean? Are you sick, too? What is happening in that town?”

“No. It’s nothing like that.” Alison replied. “I thought I was the one who blinded her.”

There was a pause as Cece put two and two together.

“That was _you_ on the Fourth of July?”

“I’ve been lying to the whole town for two years. A lie by omission is still a lie. I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her because I knew it would destroy her if she knew. And the only thing worse than her in pain would be her knowing I was the one who caused that pain.”

“That’s different, Ali…”

“How?” Alison asked sharply.

“Well, it’s….” Cece stopped. She realized she didn’t have an argument prepared.

“It’s different because I’m the one in the hot seat, right? Because it’s your natural inclination to want to protect me?”

“You didn’t actually blind her.”

“But I could have.” Alison argued. “All this time I thought I had. And I sat on that information. I kept it to myself. Because I was afraid I would lose her. I _lied_ to her every day we were together. If I had just told her the truth…” She veered off for a few seconds. “If I had said something she might have done the same. I _know_ her. Her heart is so soft. If she’d known she wouldn’t have go on letting me believe that I was capable of hurting her. She would have told me there was more to the story. And I could have been there for her.”

“I refuse to let you blame yourself for this…”

“I’m not,” Alison said. “We’re both culpable.”

“A regular Romeo and Juliet.” Cece muttered.

“Don’t even.” Alison warned her. “Our story is _not_ going to end like that miserable piece of literature. Always hated Shakespeare,” she uttered. “Such a fucking hack.”

“With all due respect, sweets, you were just talking about doing a swan dive from your bay window two minutes ago. That’s classic Shakespearean.”

Alison sniffled. She reached up and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

“I am so pissed off at her. I mean… _so_ pissed.”

“You should be. You need to feel that. That comes from a place of love, Ali. You’re hurt because you love her. And that’s the important thing here.”

“I don’t know how to exist without her.” Her voice was quiet and meek.

“Oh, honey. You fell _hard_.”

“I didn’t fall.” Alison corrected her. “I _jumped_.”

“Listen…” Cece paused and considered something. “You really want my advice?”

“I called you, didn’t I?”

“Take some time…”

Cece was taking _Emily’s_ side? She could have reached through the phone and strangled her. This bitch was supposed to be her ride or die.

“She doesn’t _have_ time…”

“This isn’t just about her,” Cece said. “What she said…about needing to understand what this means, that’s true. This is dangerous territory. And I _know_ you.”

“Stop that. Stop acting like you know me.” Alison snapped back quickly. “I…I’m not the same person.”

“Feelings and emotions don’t change. I know what you feel. I know that you’re hurt and you’re angry. And you don’t have the best track record when it comes to those emotions.”

“I would never do anything to hurt her.” Alison bit back angrily.

“It’s not her that I’m worried about.” Cece’s tone remained even. She didn’t fight back. She didn’t snap. She didn’t even have a fully prepared quip or retort. “You have a habit of self-destructing, which was totally fine for the _old_ Ali. But you said it yourself. You’re not the same person. This girl has changed you in ways that only love can mold someone. You need to sort out your feelings. Because you’re going to go through the motions. The pain that you feel right now? It’s only going to get worse. And you have to get through the depths of hell before you can walk on land again.”

“So…what? I’m just supposed to walk away from it? From…from her?” Panic seized her chest. Who was she without Emily?

“Not necessarily.”

“I love her,” Alison said softly.

“I know you do.” Cece didn’t patronize her. “She knows that, too. That’s why she wants you to put yourself first in this. Believe me when I tell you that this ride is going to suck. Feel the fear. Accept the pain. Ride out the anger…”

“For how long?”

“Until the only thing you have left is love.”

What the fuck did that even mean? Alison huffed in irritation. This call had not been helpful at all.

“Ali, the future isn’t guaranteed…”

“You think I don’t fucking know that?”

“Don’t you snap at me, Alison DiLaurentis. I’m the only person in the world you’ve got right now. And you know it. And I know a little something about this,” Cece replied curtly. “I watched my mother’s breast cancer eat away at her until she was _nothing_.”

Losing her mother when she was young was part of the reason she’d felt the urge to grow up so fast, to have some control in her life. She’d gone straight past rebellion and into drastic attention-seeking behavior. And she’d never come out the other end of it.

Cece never talked about her mother’s death, not even when Alison tried to bring it up when they were intimate. For Cece it was all about the fuck, with none of the emotional attachment. It was stress relief. They had never been the “let’s talk about our feelings” kind of couple. They’d never really even been a couple at all. It’s why they still worked as friends.

Her mother dying when she was so young was just a part of her life. She had a dead mom and a gang-banger dad. The girl never had a chance at being normal. The closest she’d ever come was being Alison’s friend.

“I…I didn’t mean to be insensitive.” Alison quickly backtracked.

“Babe, I love you, but _insensitive_ is your middle name.” Cece scoffed. “I’m just trying to be real with you. You called me. For a reason. And you know what it is. So I’m going to talk. And you’re going to listen. You can give me all the shit in the world about not liking what I have to say, but you know it’s the truth.”

“You’re totally right.” Alison was out of her depth. On some subconscious level she’d called Cece not only because she was in a different country, but because she understood on a level that Alison didn’t. “What do I do?”

“First, you have to understand where Emily is coming from. You have to understand that ever since she was diagnosed she has been doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and _breathing_ the underlying fear, the notion that her cancer could kill her. She may put on a normal face, but she has _never_ felt normal.”

Alison felt her mouth getting dry. Emily had told her exactly that. It shouldn’t have surprised her that Cece would have insight into it, but she was caught off-guard.

“And not only that. She’s petrified, Ali.”

“I would be, too, if I was dying.”

“No. Not about dying. About you having to watch her die.”

Alison didn’t know what to say to that.

“My mom didn’t tell us either,” Cece said, a sad thoughtful tone in her voice. “She knew, but she kept it from us until one day she collapsed and ended up in the ICU. One day she was fine and then…” She drifted off. “It changes you. I’ve never told you that, but it does. It shapes you. Makes you…hard.”

There was a thoughtful pause on the other end of the line. Cece sighed before continuing.

“Or it does the opposite. You know…my dad, the asshole that he is…I saw a side of him I’d never seen before. He was all about his business. The bastard could kill a gang of men moving in on his product without blinking an eye. But when it came to my mom…he was as soft as they came. There is no doubt in my mind that the jackass loved my mother. She was the solid structure that held him in place.”

Another pause. Another sigh.

“I always thought she kept it from us because she was scared. But the truth is she was scared of what it would do to us. She wanted us to be normal…or as normal as we got.”

Alison blinked, her sight blurry from tears. She knew exactly how Cece felt. She’d never known how miserable it must have been for her.

“I was so angry.” She heard a break in Cece’s tone. Alison had witnessed that anger in outbursts over the years. “I still am. That’s important. It’s okay to be pissed at her. In fact, she probably prefers that over pity. So get mad. She needs to know that you’re not afraid to throw down with her.”

After last night that wouldn’t be a problem.

“I am.” Alison admitted. “Pissed at her…”

Unbelievably so. But she wasn’t sure if it was because Emily had been hiding the truth or if it was just a reaction that kept her from feeling the pain. It was easier to be angry than deal with heartache.

“But I love her. So much. I just…don’t know what I should do.”

“That’s why you need to do exactly what she suggested. You need to take the time to think it over. Because no matter how much you love someone, are you willing to risk everything? Your soul? Your sanity? Being someone’s support system is not the same as just _being there_. You have to go into this knowing that there is a gun pointed directly at your chest. And you have to be willing to stay in front of that gun and take that bullet.”

“She knows I’d do that in a heartbeat.”

That wasn’t even a question. She’d put herself between Ben and Emily that day in the locker room without so much as a second thought. She would _never_ let any harm come to Emily. But how was she supposed to protect her from something she couldn’t stop?

“Which is exactly why she didn’t ask you to.” Cece pointed out.

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Alison mumbled.

“I am. Like I said, you might not want to hear it, but I’m not going to lie to you,” Cece said. “Straight up, she shouldn’t have kept this from you. It was dumb and selfish. But look at things from her perspective. If the tables were turned, what would you have done?”

The line was silent.

“I thought so.” Cece nodded. “You’ve always prided yourself on your strength. You never let anyone see you at your weakest. It’s human nature. Survival of the fittest. And that instinct that leads us to protect everyone around us, that’s what makes us idiots.”

Another pause and then Alison grumbled.

“I hate you.”

“Love you, too, doll.”

“I guess I should go do some self-reflecting.”

“I find a little gin helps me get in the thinking mood.”

“Ugh, _gin_? Who _are_ you?”

“Someone who has a very impatient brunette waiting on me in her panties and bra. And who is scowling at me quite hard right now.”

Why had she even answered?

Alison gave herself a little nod, answering her silent question. She knew why.

Because she was Cece.

“Hmm, guess we both have a type.” Alison laughed.

“Call me if you have any more urges to jump off of a ledge.”

Alison promised her not to get too crazy and then hung up. She fell back against the bed. She stared at the wall for a while. Then she got restless and started pacing around her room. Then she was back in bed. No matter what she did, nothing made her feel any better. All she was doing was _thinking_.

The more she thought about it the angrier she got. Not just because Emily had kept it from her, but also because she knew Emily was right in some respects. She _would_ have treated her differently if she’d known. They probably wouldn’t have experienced half of what they’d experienced because Alison would have been too afraid for her.

Emily had jumped in, completely fearless. And now Alison had to figure out to be the person Emily needed, to be that fearless about things. She had to figure that balance out. She had to let Emily live the way she wanted.

She looked at her lock screen, unable to stop looking at Emily. Then she opened her photo gallery and scrolled through the endless selfies she was always taking of them. Emily had always been big about putting the phone down and living the life in front of them, and now Alison knew why. But at the same time she was grateful for every single photo. She was grateful for every single smile. Every single look. She was grateful for the memories.

“Ugh, stop doing that.” She told herself. “Stop acting like she’s already dead and gone.”

She needed to stop looking at the future and start living in the now. Emily was still here. The more she looked at Emily’s pictures, the more she softened. How was she supposed to stay mad at the person she loved?

Her anger shifted to the other people who knew. Hanna. Toby. She composed about a dozen different texts to Hanna, but ended up deleting every single one. She would have done the same to Toby if she had his number. She thought about texting Spencer to ask for his number, but her nosy cousin would just have a bunch of follow up questions, so she let it go.

She finally got so frustrated that she turned her phone off. It wasn’t something she did often…or _ever_. It was something that she would look back on and regret only 24 hours later.

Unplugging was actually a very _Emily_ thing to do. Emily was always talking about unplugging as a way to get her thoughts in order. How many times must Emily have done that? How many days did she try to escape all the beeping noises in the hospital?

She thought about it, and she decided that’s exactly what she needed to do: to get away from the noise. To find herself. She managed to get dressed. She decided on going to the park to think. She walked around the block first, enjoying the breeze, trying to let her emotions settle. Then she walked to the park.

She thought maybe she was subconsciously there trying to run into Emily. But after walking the entire span of the park she realized she wasn’t there. It felt heartbreaking somehow, because they were supposed to be together. Right? They were destined. Was this a sign?

She tried to find her inner-peace, but instead all she found was irritation at the population.

_The world needs a new plague. Look at all these stupid happy people. I hate them._

She should have known better than to come to the park on a Sunday in spring. It brought out all the pale pasty weirdos who hung out in dark basements and behind closed curtains. Like they had to get their required monthly dose of sunshine before they withered away and died.

She strolled the park for a while, not really paying attention to the things around her. She didn’t look beyond the surface, not like she did when she was with Emily. She thought about how when they’d first met Emily had opened her eyes…made her look at everything. She remembered the little boy riding his bike. She remembered the macho bird prancing around. She remembered the clouds, how they’d looked so full…so full of vibrancy. She looked up. There weren’t any hearts in the sky today. In fact, she was hard-pressed to find that the sky was even blue. It almost had a tint of gray to it. Was it supposed to rain?

Of course it would fucking rain when she needed the sun.

She looked at the people around her, but where she’d once seen the joy of childhood and the complexities of love, now all she saw was faceless strangers…cogs in a machine on this earth that would eventually break down or retire and be replaced by newer models.

She decided to give up on trying to make sense of things, but when she went to leave to go home fate intervened.

It wasn’t Emily. But it was someone who was supposed to be there. Because the two of them could have been _anywhere_ else in town, but instead…she ran right into him, because neither one of them were paying attention to where they were going. Alison was looking down at her feet thinking about how she needed a new pair of shoes. He was fiddling with his music player to change the song, his pace a slow jog. After they collided he quickly started to apologize.

“I’m so sorry. I was just…” Then he looked and saw that it was her. “Alison?”

She glanced up from her feet.

_Of all the people in the world…_

Toby. Fucking. Cavanaugh.

She felt a ball of rage in her stomach. She felt like a fiddle that had been played…but all of the strings were broken, and he was part of the reason why she couldn’t make beautiful music anymore.

He saw the look on her face, like a bull ready to charge. He could see that she’d been crying. She looked completely disheveled. He could tell just by looking at her. He’d seen how happy she’d been with Emily at the dance last night. He’d watched them sneak off, giggling and carefree. Only one thing could have changed between then and now. And he knew. At first, he didn’t know what to say.

“Ali…”

“You have no goddamn right.” Alison hissed. “Don’t you even fucking talk to me…”

“Listen, I…”

“How could you? How could you just _lie_ ….”

She raised her arms, her open fists making contact with his upper body. He was a lot more tone than she’d ever realized. Her palms slapped his muscled pecs until she slowly ran out of steam. And he let her wear herself out. And when she finally slowed down he did the only thing he could think of.

He hugged her.

She didn’t pull away. Instead, she fell into his open embrace and wrapped her arms around him, her fingers digging into his wet shirt. She didn’t care that he was covered in sweat. She didn’t care that she hated him right now. She didn’t care that he was Toby Cavanaugh and she was Alison DiLaurentis. He was the closest thing to Emily she had.

Toby was surprised by her reciprocation of his kindness. He moved one of his arms out, letting it linger a few inches behind her back for a minute, unsure of what to say or do. He pat her on the back, feeling a lot like he was comforting a timid puppy. He glanced up and saw that a few people were staring. He gently started to move her towards the parking lot. She followed blindly.

They ended up at his truck. He pulled the tailgate down and sat Alison down. He climbed in the back, where he’d stashed a cooler. He fished around for a couple of bottles of water. Alison finally looked up.

“When did you get a truck?”

It was an odd thing to recognize in the middle of a breakdown, but all she could think about was sitting in the back of his car holding Emily on the way to the hospital.

“It’s my dad’s.” He shrugged. “Car’s in the shop.” He sat down next to her, the motion jostling the tires of the lightweight vehicle.

He handed her a bottle of water. She took it, her eyes catching the sight of the scar on his arm. She sighed and looked at the burn.

“I did that to you,” she said quietly.

“Huh?” At first he didn’t realize she was looking at his scar.

“I threw the fireworks.” She wasn’t sure what made her blurt it out. She figured part of it was a residual need to get everything out in the open. Because secrets just left pain in their wake.

She flinched, expecting a huge blowout, him calling the cops, telling her what a terrible person she was. Instead, he just opened his bottle of chilled water and took a sip. She watched the condensation fall off of the plastic and on to his shorts.

“I know.” He lowered the bottle.

“Excuse me?” She gawked.

She wasn’t sure why she was surprised. She’d always suspected he knew, but then she’d doubted herself because she assumed he would have ratted her out and sabotaged her relationship with his cousin.

“You’re not as coy as you think. I have never once bought your little innocent act.”

“How long have you known?”

“I always thought it might have been you. Then I found one of your earrings a few weeks after the fire.”

“And you never told anyone?”

“Wouldn’t have done any good. The cops had made up their minds at that point.”

“But…you had proof.”

“I tossed it. Never told anyone. Not even Em or Jenna.”

Alison stared at him in shock.

“Why would you do that?”

He took another sip of water.

“Look, what you did was fucked up.” He made no excuses. “But I know what my step-sister did to your brother. And I also know what kind of parents you have, and what _one_ mistake can do to someone. That kind of fuck up can follow a person around forever. Some people can handle it.” He glanced at her. “And some can’t.”

On some level…he’d been _protecting_ her? He must have known her tough façade was an act.

“I know what kind of person you really are. Way deep down below that bitchy exterior. You put on a tough act. But that’s what it is. An _act_. You’ve been forced to wear a mask since you were a kid. Your parents didn’t give you much of a choice. I get that.”

Alison was stunned. All the years she’d spent hating his family, hating _him_. She’d always assumed he felt the same. She was starting to understand that hate really wasn’t a universal language. And Emily had a lot to do with that.

“I’ll never be okay with it.” He rubbed his arm. “You could have killed us. But I’ll also never fault you for standing up for your family.”

“I never meant to hurt anyone, you know.”

“I know,” he said. “We may have our problems, Ali. But…” He faced her, “…my cousin loves you. Very much. And I love her. She showed me what it means to love unconditionally. And…” He glanced at the burn on his arm, “…what it means to forgive someone.” He smiled. “You know, when we were kids she made me apologize to a tree for kicking it and knocking some of its bark off. She was constantly putting baby birds back in their nests and helping lost pets find their way back home. She was always on mine and Jenna’s asses about doing more. She’s a do-er. She’s always wanted to do the most with the life she was given. Even before she was sick.”

Alison flinched and physically cowered at the mention of it. She didn’t like saying it out loud. It gave it power.

“I should be there with her.” She shouldn’t let Emily go through the motions alone.

“She’s been through it before,” Toby said. “This is about you.”

“You’ve talked to her about this, haven’t you?”

“I knew you’d blow your top.” He stared at the parking lot. “And you have every right.” He nodded. “But I also knew you’d be in it with her no matter what.” He slowly turned to face her. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. Hell, everyone has. The question isn’t whether or not you love her. That’s a given. The question is whether or not you know how much loving her could hurt. She’s not terminal. Not yet. But she could be one day. Are you ready for that possibility?”

“She seems so tired. I don’t know if she wants the treatment. And I don’t want to force her…”

“She always has these peaks and valleys after a poor report. If she didn’t want the treatment she never would have even mentioned it to you. She just didn’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“What do we have if we don’t have hope?”

“God, she _really_ rubbed off on you.” He lowered his head and laughed. “You’ll have each other.”

Alison nodded. They sat in silence for a few seconds.

“I think this is the most you’ve ever talked to me.” Alison looked over at him.

“Felt like it was overdue.” He shrugged. “I mean, I love your cousin. You love mine…”

“Wait, did you just say you love Spencer?” Alison asked with a shocked smile on her face.

He rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously.

“Have you told _her_ that?” Alison pressed for more information.

“It…may have come out after we’d had a few drinks last night.”

“Did she throw wine in your face or did she kiss you?”

The women in her family usually did one or the other. Spencer’s sister Melissa had kissed her boyfriend when he’d said those three little words. Alison’s mother had thrown wine in her dad’s face. Alison had dumped a bag of wine over Noel’s head the one and only time he’d told her he loved her...when he was riding high after she’d given him a handjob at a party a few years ago.

“Both,” he said sheepishly.

Alison snickered. Of course Spencer went for both.

“But the wine was an accident. I just…kind of startled her with it, I think. She was spinning around so fast that the glass just tipped, and…I ended up wearing it.” He shrugged. “Either way, I think we’re family now. Family who tries to set one another on fire and shoots hateful gazes at one another in the school hallway, but family nonetheless.”

“Still better than my _actual_ family,” she uttered.

“You deserved better than your parents, Alison,” he said.

“Things would have been a lot different.” Alison nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, who knows? Maybe we could have actually been friends.”

Alison narrowed her eyes, still completely baffled by their whole exchange.

“I see what Spencer sees in you,” Alison said with a friendly smile. “She’s lucky to have you.”

She saw his face flush. It was almost kind of cute.

“You want a ride home?” he asked.

“In this death trap?” Alison scoffed, glancing at the old clunker. “Not a chance in hell.”

“You sure? It looks like it’s going to rain.”

“Well then, that’ll make the perfect montage for the sad little movie I’ve got going in my head while I think about things,” she replied with a dark laugh. She pushed herself off of the tailgate and turned to face him. “Thanks…” She glanced at the bottle of water in her hands, “…for the water.” She paused and then added, “And everything else.”

“Any time.” He smiled. “Hey, don’t hate her for too long, okay? She’s been through so much. Around a lot of death,” he said solemnly. “It fucked her up in a lot of ways. But it also made her into the person she is today.”

Alison nodded to acknowledge him. She waved as she walked away.

As she walked out of the parking lot she was more confused than when she’d come to the park. She felt like she understood what everyone was telling her, but she couldn’t come to terms with it.

It didn’t start to rain until she was almost home, but the sun was still shining. Rain and sun were such a weird combination. People got so used to consistently seeing one or the other that seeing the two of them together felt like a phenomenon.

The large fat droplets of water were glimmering in the sunlight. The pavement was shining like a misty mirage of jasper quartz. The rain looked like diamonds falling from the sky. She saw the hint of a rainbow across the road behind her neighbor’s house. She stared at it for a while until it became fully formed. Then she walked inside her house, completely soaked from head to toe.

Jason was in the living room with hot tea. She stared at him for a minute and then walked over and took the hot mug from his hand. She looked at the tea in her hand and then up at her big brother. He certainly hadn’t been the perfect brother, but her talk with Toby made her realize that she and Jason were the only ones in her family who looked out for one another, even when they hated each other. She smiled timidly at him and then hugged him. He put his arms up in surprise.

“What’s happening?” he asked in confusion.

“I’m loving you, you big dope. Just shut up and let me hug you.”

He laughed softly and hugged her back. She took her tea up to her room. She changed out of her wet clothes and then crawled back into her bed. She didn’t bother grabbing her phone or turning it back on. Instead, she grabbed her laptop and decided to escape _her_ reality by watching as many crappy reality shows about other people that she could. Jason brought her lunch and dinner, but she barely touched the food.

She tossed and turned that night, which meant she woke up incredibly grumpy the next morning. She hadn’t realized what this bombshell would do to her emotions. She was back to being pissed off. She was pissed at Emily for keeping it from her. She was pissed at cancer for existing. She was pissed at the doctors for not keeping her cancer away. She was pissed at God, who she didn’t even believe in. She rolled out of bed, grumbling to herself,

“Alright, Cece…I’m feeling my fucking feelings. Now what?”

She thought about a lot as she showered and got ready for school. She almost decided to skip. It was a decision that would have changed her life in drastic ways. Much like the theory of infinite universes that Emily had tried to explain to her, the butterfly effect…the being in an exact spot in an exact time…was going to change everything for her. It would give her clarity in the most horrifying way.

She left her house in a huff, not even stopping long enough to say good morning to Jason or grab a bite of breakfast. She’d left so quickly that she’d left her phone, off, on the end table next to her bed. The one time in her life she’d actually _need_ her phone it would be out of her reach.

Twenty minutes later, when Alison was getting breakfast in the school cafeteria Jason’s phone was ringing. He didn’t recognize the number, but he had an uneasy feeling, so he picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jason? We’ve got a problem.”

“Um…who is this?”

“It’s Toby.” He rattled off quickly. “Look, I’m not calling to start something…”

“How did you even get my number?”

“Spencer gave it to me a while ago for emergencies. I just found something out and I’m flipping my shit…”

“So? Talk to a psychologist like every other pill seeking druggie in this town.”

“Jason, it’s serious. Ben was released last night.”

Jason almost dropped the phone.

“What? How the hell is that even possible? Aren’t they supposed to do a press release or at least fucking warn the people he hurt?”

“I don’t know. The justice system is a piece of shit. Guys like Ben do a short six month stint and then get off for ‘good behavior’ while less affluent guys just trying to get by get life in prison for holding a dime bag. It’s a fucked up problem for another day. Right now the biggest thing is finding the piece of shit and keeping him far away from our girls. So, are you going to help me look for him or what?” Toby asked.

“Oh, I’m in.” Jason grabbed his keys from the counter. “But you might want to lay low. He might be out for your blood. You helped put him in lock up.”

“Fuck that. I’m not leaving the girls to fend for themselves.” Toby replied without skipping a beat.

Jason had to admire his loyalty. He’d clearly misjudged the guy.

“I’m on my way to the school. I’m running late because my dad’s piece of crap truck wouldn’t start.” More ripples of the butterfly effect. More fate. “I tried Spencer. She didn’t pick up. And neither did Emily. I don’t think Em’s family knows. Only reason I found out is because I still have friends in all the wrong places. One of them hit me up this morning and said word is Coogan was talking big shit before he was released. He’s going to be answering to a P.O, but he doesn’t have any other restrictions other than being unable to return to school. Pam and Wayne filed a restraining order against him that prohibits him from going anywhere near Emily, and the school expelled him. If they find him on school grounds he’ll get tossed out.”

“Wait, we’re going on the word of a jailbird here?” Jason questioned.

“He’s an _ex_ -con. And he was only in for drug charges. You should know better than anyone that one blemish on a guy’s record shouldn’t brand him for life. I trust my guys.” Toby sounded irritated. “But I confirmed it with the precinct this morning.”

“They just _gave_ you that information?” Jason asked.

“Of course not. I had Caleb hack into their records.”

“Did you run by the Coogan’s place to see if he was there?”

“No car out front. Lights were all out. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Toby huffed. “I’m not one to overreact, but I saw the look in his eyes in the locker room. And at every single court proceeding. He’s unhinged. And he’s definitely holding a grudge.”

“Alright. We’ll handle it. But be careful, Cavanaugh. Prison has a way of changing people. If you find him don’t hold back.”

“If I hadn’t held back in the first place this conversation wouldn’t be taking place. We’d be pissing on his grave instead.”

“One step at a time. Gotta go. I’m going to call my sister.” But he wouldn’t reach her. Because her phone was in her room.

“I’m going to try Emily again. They’re probably already at school.”

After they hung up, Jason quickly paced out of the house. Toby was halfway to school. He tried Emily’s phone again, but it went straight to voicemail. She had forgotten to charge it, so it was sitting in her bag, dead.

She had a headache, so she was in the library listening to one of her History lessons. She was avoiding the cafeteria because she knew Alison would be there and she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say to her…or if Alison even wanted to see her. She chewed on her lip as she thought about the blonde, unaware that the string holding their universe in line was about to snap.

In the cafeteria, Alison was casually checking out the crowds of students coming in, looking for Emily. She had some things she needed to say to her. After the conversations she’d had with Cece and Toby she had a bit more perspective. And they’d both told her it was okay to be angry. So she angrily stabbed her grapefruit with her cheap little plastic fork while cursing herself for not going to _The Brew_ for breakfast instead.

But she was meant to be at the school. She didn’t know it yet, but she was meant to be there.

She heard shuffling and when she looked up she saw Spencer, Hanna, and Aria approaching with their trays of various breakfast foods. All predictable. Spencer had gone for the protein. Aria went with greens that looked like rabbit food. Hanna had gone with granola and yogurt.

“Hey.” Aria sat her tray down. She looked around. “Where’s Em?”

“How should I know? What am I? Her fucking keeper?” Alison stabbed her grapefruit again so hard it shook the table.

Her behavior gained Hanna’s attention. She looked at Alison carefully. Her eyes were red. Her cheeks were puffy. She hadn’t even tried to cover it up.

“Whoa. What’s with the attitude? Did the two of you get into a lover’s quarrel?” Spencer asked.

“No.” Alison snapped. She glared at Spencer. “And knock it off. I’m not in the mood.”

“Jesus, who pissed in your cereal this morning?” Spencer muttered.

Aria and Spencer looked at her like she was nuts. But Hanna knew what was wrong. She didn’t say anything as they ate breakfast together. She waited until Aria and Spencer went to return their breakfast trays. Alison overheard them talking as they were leaving.

“Mona said she saw Emily in the library. I’m going to run by and give her the recordings from Trig.” Aria slung her bag over her shoulder.

Alison perked up when she heard her name, but she tried to remain indifferent in her reaction.

“I’ll go with you. I’ve got to check their reference books for something.” Spencer followed, moving past a kid curled up in a black hoodie, almost knocking his backpack off of his shoulder.

Spencer started to apologize, but the kid had already turned his back and was slinking away. Aria and Spencer went in the same direction, towards the library.

Alison watched them go, saying nothing. Hanna put her fork down.

“So she finally told you?” Hanna asked.

“Leave me alone, Hanna. I don’t want to talk about it.” Alison warned her.

“Well, you kinda have to.” Hanna bit back.

“No, I don’t. It’s not any of my business anymore.” Alison shrugged.

“What?” Hanna asked in confusion.

Alison grabbed her things and pushed her chair out, hastily walking away from the table. She didn’t expect Hanna to follow her, but she did. They moved out into the hallway, Alison making a beeline for her locker. The hallway was fairly empty. Most students had already gone to their first period class.

“So you’re just going to bail on her?” Hanna snapped, grabbing Alison’s arm.

Alison snatched her arm away and glared angrily at Hanna, because _how dare_ she touch her?

“That would make you happy, wouldn’t it?” Alison bit back.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I know you hate me. It would just make your day if I was out of her life for good.”

“Alison, I don’t…”

“And not that it’s any of your business, but _she_ bailed on me.”

“She _what_?” That wasn’t like Emily at all. Hanna felt a strange knot in her stomach.

Emily didn’t run away from her problems. Maybe the diagnosis was worse than she was letting on.

“She told me to think about it or some shit. I don’t know.” Alison threw her hands up in defeat. “But I’m _done_ thinking. I don’t _want_ to think. I spent my entire weekend thinking. And I’m just…done.”

“I know what you’re going through…”

“No.” She hissed. “You don’t. Because you knew.” Alison was furious that Hanna was trying to lecture her. “You knew this whole time and you just…”

“I tried to get her to tell you, _numerous_ times.” Hanna quickly interjected.

“Why didn’t _you_ say anything?” Alison glared hatefully at her.

“It wasn’t my place. Emily needed to come to the decision on her own…”

“How long have you known?” Her cheeks were red, full of fury, because _how dare_ this secret be kept from her? _How dare_ Hanna not say a word when Emily was withering away, when she was in pain? _How dare_ she act like she knew what it meant to be lied to about this?

“You already know the answer to that,” Hanna said coldly, not falling into her trap, “I’m sure Emily told you.”

“ _You’re_ the one she talks to. Not me.” Alison turned her nose up at Hanna.

“Growl at me all you want, DiLaurentis. But it doesn’t change anything. You’re not really mad at me.” Hanna pointed out. “Or at Emily for that matter. You’re pissed for the same reason I am.”

“You have no idea…”

“She is my _best_ friend, Alison. My _sister_. My _only_ sister. We’ve been together since we were three. And she’s sick. She could die. And that…whether you admit it or not, _that_ terrifies you. And when we get scared…we get angry. What we’re really pissed about…” Hanna paused thoughtfully, her voice shaking, “…what is the most infuriating is that we are powerless to do anything to stop it.”

Hanna’s outburst brought Alison back down to reality. Because it wasn’t just _her_ dealing with this. It was Hanna. It was Toby. It was Emily’s family. It was everyone who loved her.

“She won’t talk to me. What am I supposed to do?” Alison changed her tone.

“Emily is stubborn as hell. But you’re just as stubborn, if not more-so.”

Alison didn’t respond. She just nodded. They looked around the oddly empty halls. It almost felt unnerving. Alison wasn’t sure if it was her lack of sleep or something else, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

 _Maybe you’re going crazy. Is this what going crazy feels like? Should I commit myself to a nuthouse and make macaroni art for the rest of my life?_ She scratched at her arm absentmindedly.

“Hey, how are you _really_ holding up? Behind all…that.” Hanna motioned to her face, which was frozen in a scowl.

“I’m…I don’t know.” Alison tried to think it over. “Pissed. Terrified. Broken.” But she also felt determination, passion, and love. “You?”

“Nothing I haven’t been through before,” Hanna said quietly. She pursed her lips in thought. “I was with her when she found out.”

There was a flicker of pain behind her eyes. It shut Alison’s rage up very quickly. Because it had to hurt. It had to hurt to watch a loved one go through what Emily went through.

“Originally, I mean. She had this really bad headache one night during one of our sleepovers. It was for her birthday.” Hanna blinked rapidly, trying to stop the tears. “We had cake and played dress up. But then she started to feel sick. She said she wasn’t feeling well and then she puked and passed out. My mom took her to the ER because she wasn’t responding to anything we did. Her mom and dad met us there, but when my mom tried to take me home I ran away. I ran through the hospital until I found her. Got in a heap of trouble for slipping into the radiology area.”

They both laughed. Alison could see Hanna being a spirited little shit. A rebel. She’d always hated that about her, until she understood it.

“I fell asleep in her hospital room, and when I woke up the doctor was talking about her scan. I remember seeing her mom crying. My mom was hugging her, and Mr. Fields was trying to console them both.” She thought back to that day. It felt like a fever dream now. “He was the first one to notice I was awake. He could tell I was upset so he picked me up and took me out of the room. I knew something was wrong. And he knew I knew. So he took me down to the cafeteria to get some ice cream and then sat down and explained it to me.”

As if Alison didn’t respect Mr. Fields enough, she had a whole new appreciation for him now. The night he’d found out about his daughter’s cancer he’d not only been there for his wife and child...he’d taken Hanna under his wing. Hanna, whose own father couldn’t be bothered to even acknowledge she existed. Hanna was right. Emily _was_ her sister.

“I never saw Em cry. Not once.” Hanna admitted. “She was so tough about the whole thing. It made me less afraid. For a while, I started to believe that everything would be fine. But then one summer when she was visiting me at my Grandma’s she had a seizure…”

“ _Seizure_?”

That scared Alison. She’d seen them on TV, and she couldn’t imagine Emily going through one.

“She didn’t tell you about how she used to have them?”

“I…” Alison sighed. “I didn’t really give her the opportunity. We…we fought.”

“I’m not surprised. I’d be really fucking pissed if I was in your shoes.” She glanced down. “Not that I’d be caught dead in _those_ gaudy things.”

“These are Jimmy Chos, thank you very much.” Alison sniped back.

A soft smile broke across Hanna’s face. For two seconds they weren’t sworn enemies. For two seconds, they buried the hatchet. Alison chewed on her lip and then looked at the ground.

“What do we do, Hanna?” Her tone softened.

It was a tone Hanna had never heard before. She sounded weak, scared. She sounded vulnerable.

“We wait.” That had always been the hardest part. The waiting. The not knowing.

“How sick is she?” Alison’s voice was quiet.

“She has good days and bad days.” Hanna shifted her bookbag on her shoulder. “The past year has been more good than bad, I think. She had been doing really well.” She pursed her lips together and looked at Alison. “I think that might have to do with you. Ever since the two of you got together she is bright and happy and full of energy. Her headaches aren’t as bad. She rarely gets nauseated anymore, the cruise notwithstanding.”

“Is she going to die?”

Hanna saw tears in her eyes and despite their history, everything in her soul told her to reach out to her.

“She’s a fighter, Ali.” She gently touched her arm.

Normally Alison hated it when anyone other than Emily called her anything other than Alison, but coming from Hanna it felt comforting. So she didn’t scowl at her. Instead, she shot the sassy blonde an appreciative look.

“And she’s young. She has that going for her.” Hanna rubbed Alison’s hand. “And she beat it before. She’ll go at it again. She will.”

If for no other reason, she would fight it for Alison.

Alison took a deep breath, which seemed to echo in the hallway. She glanced at the clock.

“We should get to class…”

Her voice was cut off by a loud crack. Alison and Hanna both jumped. It sounded like an explosion of fireworks echoing in the hallway. There was another loud blast. It was hard to tell what direction the sound was coming from.

“What the hell…” Alison spun around.

Hanna knew immediately what it was. She’d been to the firing range with Emily’s family before. She yanked Alison across the hallway and dragged her into a supply closet. Hanna wrenched around faster than Alison had ever seen her move and turned the old bolted latch on the door. The closet space had once been a single changing room for the drama department. It was used for mostly storage now, but it latched from the inside. No one could get in.

The room was stale. And it smelled like ammonia and sweat. Hanna knew it well. It was where she and Caleb often hooked up during school hours.

 _Caleb._ Oh God, he was out there somewhere. Hanna tried not to panic. Caleb was very street smart. He’d been in dangerous situations before, so he would hopefully know what to do. But what about all of her other friends?

They heard shouts, loud footsteps, and then another gunshot and they both jumped. Alison let out an unintentional cry. Hanna slapped her hand over Alison’s mouth. Her instincts were to be completely silent.

“Shhh.” Hanna’s entire body was shaking, her hand trembling on Alison’s mouth.

They could hear the announcement over the intercom declaring the lockdown and all Hanna could think was _“no fucking duh”_.

They heard another loud crack echoing in the halls. Alison started to panic. All she could think about was her girlfriend. Because despite their current situation, there was no way in hell she was letting her go without a fight. But would she get the chance?

Alison reached for the door, tears in her eyes. She lost control of all of her senses. She chomped down on Hanna’s hand and Hanna pulled it back with a hiss.

“Ow, what the hell, Alison?” She growled under her breath as she shook her wrist.

“Emily is out there…”

“I fucking know that.” Hanna snapped. “Now shut the hell up.”

There was a chime from her bookbag. Hanna frantically searched for her phone. She needed to silence it as fast as possible. She grabbed her phone.

“Who is that? Is it Emily? Is she okay?” Alison reached for Hanna’s phone.

Hanna snatched it back, quickly silencing her ringer. She glanced at the screen, sighing in relief when she saw a message from Caleb.

_“You okay?”_

Her relief only lasted a brief moment, because she knew it could be the last time they talked. She didn’t want to believe it, but they’d all seen the stories on the news. They’d all done the drills once a month. They always thought, “it’ll never happen here”, but that’s what everyone thought. It was just a sad reality of their society that they’d had to adapt to.

Another message popped up from him.

_“Made it into the band room. Mona, Noel, Lucas, and about a dozen others are here. Door is blocked. I saw Toby hoofing it to get four freshmen into another classroom. He was trying to get back out there, but the teacher stopped him.”_

Hanna frowned in confusion. Toby was trying to get _out_ of the cover of safety? She shook it off and tried to focus.

_“Alison and I are in the supply closet. Didn’t see anything. Have you heard from anyone else?”_

_“You’re the first person I thought about. Needed to know you were okay. And tell you I love you. Just in case.”_

_“There will be no ‘just in case’, Caleb Rivers. But I love you, too.”_

_“A couple of kids saw the kid shooting. One of them swears it’s Ben Coogan. One of them is on the phone with 911.”_

_“I thought he was still in jail…”_

Suddenly, Toby’s heroics made sense to her. If it was Ben, he would be gunning for Emily. And Toby knew that.

_“He was released last night. Hadn’t had a chance to talk to you about it.”_

“Shit.” Hanna uttered. She quickly pulled up Emily’s contact information, but when she was composing the message she realized there was no way Emily would get it without her phone going off. She didn’t want to put her in danger. “Shit.” She growled this time.

“Hanna, what’s going on?” Alison begged.

Hanna pulled up a group message to Spencer and Aria, hoping that they’d had the sense to silence their phones.

 _“You two okay? Please tell me you’re with Em.”_ She sent the message and then quickly added, _“It’s Ben. Get yourselves and Emily somewhere safe.”_

“Hanna!” Alison was getting annoyed.

“Some kids are saying…” The look on Hanna’s face terrified Alison. “They…um…”

“They’re saying _what_? Spit it out.”

Hanna wavered on telling her. She knew exactly how she was going to react. Because she felt like doing the exact same thing Alison would try to do.

“People are saying it’s Ben.” Hanna cringed. “He got out of jail last night.”

“ _What_?” Alison’s face fell flat. She felt the blood leaving her cheeks. She reached for the door handle again, but Hanna grabbed her.

“We can’t go out there…”

“He’ll go straight for Emily!” Alison fought her, but Hanna held her down.

“He’ll be after you, too.”

Hanna was surprisingly strong. The adrenaline had given her the muscle strength of a damn _Avenger_.

“Let me go. Fucking let me go.”

But Hanna only held her tighter. Alison struggled against Hanna’s grasp, one hand reaching for the door, the other clawing at Hanna’s arm around her, drawing blood. Tears were streaming down her face. She had to get to her girlfriend.

“Ali…Alison,” Hanna said quietly. “She’s not alone. Aria and Spencer were going to the library to see her. They’ll make sure she’s safe. They’ll stick together.”

“Oh my God. The last thing we did was fight.” Alison cried. Technically it had been one-sided. Emily had just taken her shit. At the very least they’d told each other they loved one another. But that wasn’t comforting in the moment. “I can’t…that can’t be our last memory.”

She was working herself up into a panic. Hanna looked around the supply closet, not sure what to do to get her to snap out of it. She saw Alison move towards the door again, but she stopped her.

“Hey! Snap out of it!” Hanna pulled back, her palm flying across Alison’s face at lightning speed.

Alison’s jaw dropped and her hand shot up to the sting it had left on her face. She stared at Hanna in shock.

“Did you just fucking slap me?” She blinked in confusion.

“Gonna have a lot worse happen to you if you walk out that door into the line of fire.” Hanna warned her. “As Emily’s best friend, she’d kill me if I let that happen. You may not like it, but I’m not about to let you get yourself killed. You want to get out that door then you’re gonna have to go through me. And I bite.”

She expected Alison to lunge for her, but instead she just buried her face into her palms.

“This is not where we’re supposed to be.” Tears burned her eyes. “There has to be more to our story.”

“There is.” Hanna assured her. “Alison, look at me.” She gripped her arms. When Alison didn’t face her, Hanna moved her cheek, still red from where she’d hit her. She gripped her face with her fingertips. “Your lifetime with Emily is just beginning, okay?”

Alison nodded, unable to answer verbally.

“You’ve got to keep your shit together right now,” Hanna added.

That seemed to settle Alison. They sat in the closet, feeling lost…feeling helpless. Minutes ticked by. It felt like hours. The loud noises had stopped. There was an eerie silence in the air. There were no more footsteps. There were no more gunshots. It had just stopped. In a sense, that was more terrifying than the chaos. Because every second felt like they were going to be snatched from reality. Not knowing. It was the hardest part.

Alison thought about all the times she’d asked herself if Ben was capable of murder…of becoming a psychopathic school shooter. The more she learned about what kind of person he was the more she realized how much she’d missed.

She hated herself for not seeing it sooner. He’d had an unhealthy obsession with Emily for years. He’d always been dangerous. Deadly. He was angry, possessive, violent, and greedy. He was the kind of kid who shoved girls against walls and forced them to kiss him. He grew up taking everything he wanted in life. He spent time at the shooting range with Noel and with his abusive asshole of a father. She thought about the dead look behind his eyes, a cold expression that said he _would_ get his revenge. She thought about _everything_ that had led up to this moment.

She thought about Emily talking to her about the one weak moment she’d had in which she’d considered giving him a chance to show her he’d changed.

 _“He hadn’t changed. He’d just changed the game,”_ she’d said.

And he was changing it again. Evolving from the pushy little kid on the playground to the “churchgoing” boy who groped little girls in his bible study to the detached maniac who had assaulted an innocent girl in the locker rooms to… _this_. This one last sociopathic act to put the final nail in the coffin to prove that Ben Coogan was nothing more than a statistic with a gun in his hands. It made Alison realize that it didn’t matter what kind of influence she’d had on him. He’d always been a psycho.

 _“You didn’t make him who he is. He was always that person,”_ Emily had assured her after the assault.

Emily had seen it. Even before all of this. She had known. She had _sensed_ what kind of person he was. She’d been right.

They heard the sirens. Then they heard thundering footfalls, sounds of voices muttering and mumbling. They didn’t say a word. They just waited.

“Have they texted back yet? Are they okay?” Alison whispered.

Hanna bit her lip. The only texts she had were from Caleb, telling her to stay safe and that he loved her. She hadn’t heard from Spencer or Aria. It worried her, but she couldn’t let Alison see that.

“No, but if they took off they may have left their things,” she said.

More minutes passed. They waited. They listened. They sat in silence for nearly an hour. One hour became two.

They heard shuffling outside the door and they latched on to one another, hands tightening together, huddling, worried about their fate.

“Police! Is there anyone in there? We’re clearing the building. We need you to come with us.”

Alison and Hanna looked at one another. It certainly didn’t _sound_ like Ben, but what if it was a trap? At first they weren’t sure they should say anything. They’d practiced this, but the real thing was different. There were a ton of emotions coursing through them.

“This is Sergeant Holbrook with the Rosewood Police Department. Is there anyone in there that needs assistance?”

“I want to know your badge number,” Hanna said skeptically.

Alison looked at her with a blank stare on her face. How did she even know to ask that? The person on the other side of the door complied. She grabbed her phone and did a quick google search of their local PD.

“It’s legit.” Hanna nodded.

“How…how did you know to do that?” Alison asked in shock.

“My mom used to date a cop. Guy was a real asshole, but he did teach me a few useful things.” Hanna grimaced. “Never thought I’d actually _use_ the information.”

“I can’t believe you’re so calm.” Alison was still trembling.

“Are you kidding? I almost shit my panties.”

“We need you to unlock the door. Leave all of your personal effects…bags, purses, bookbags…where we can see them…and make sure your hands are visible at all times.”

Hanna slid her phone into her pocket and stood up. Alison followed. Any other day she would have bitched about having to leave her designer purse in a nasty old supply closet, but all she was thinking about now was getting to Emily’s side, wherever she was.

Hanna reached for the door handle, her heart hammering in her chest. She knew one wrong move could get them tackled or shot. The police were on high alert in these situations, though the fact that they were clearing the school meant they’d either caught or apprehended the gunman.

“I’m unlocking the door now.” She slowly turned the latch.

“How many of there are you?” Holbrook asked.

“Just two,” Hanna replied.

“I’m going to need you to move back and put your hands where I can see them.” He gave instructions.

Alison and Hanna did what they were told. The door slowly moved forward. The first thing they saw was the barrel of a gun, followed quickly by a man in uniform. They both breathed a sigh of relief when he lowered the weapon. Holbrook opened the door the rest of the way. There were two other officers with them. He waved them off to check other areas.

“I need you two to come with me. Are either of you injured?”

They both shook their heads. He waved for them to follow him, keeping his eyes on their hands at all times. One of the officers with Holbrook squiggled something on the door. Once they were out in the hallway he relaxed a little bit. They saw other kids with other officers being led out of the building.

Alison and Hanna shared another look. They hadn’t been sure what to expect when they left the supply closet it. Gore? Blood? Violence? But other than a few stray bags and books that had been dropped, the hallway looked the same as it always did. It didn’t feel the same though. There was an unsettling feeling about the eerie silence in the hallways that were usually filled with chatter and noise. Alison glanced at the doors, noticing marks on all of them.

She looked around in the sea of shocked ashen faces, looking for Emily. She glanced back towards the library, feeling the urge to turn away and sprint towards the area, but she knew she’d probably just get herself arrested…or shot. So she walked out to what the cops had deemed a “safe-zone” with everyone else.

Once they got outside they saw dozens of cop cars, ambulances, and fire trucks, along with a crowd of people who had gathered behind a barricade.

Alison recognized some of the parents of her fellow classmates. It was strange to see them, because every time they’d done a drill they’d been told they’d be loaded up on buses and taken to another location where they’d be questioned and then released to their parents. The police usually didn’t let parents through in instances like these, but something told her that half the parents had not taken ‘no’ for an answer. They’d probably bulldozed their way through. She didn’t see Emily, Spencer, or Aria. Her blood felt like ice.

“Hanna…” Alison whispered.

“I know.” Hanna cut her off.

“Where is she?”

“We’ll need to speak with all of you to get your statements, so don’t leave the premises.” Holbrook warned.

“Hanna!” Caleb’s voice cut through the crowd. She spun around and saw Caleb standing with her mother.

“Caleb!” She ran into his arms.

Ashley practically pulled her away from Caleb and embraced her, tears in her eyes.

Alison froze. She wasn’t sure whether to follow her or just wait. She turned a few anxious circles, like a cat pacing in the wild. She kept looking through the crowd, trying to find the _one_ face she wanted to see.

“Alison!” She heard a familiar voice. She spun around and saw her mother and Jason.

“Mom?” She blinked in a haze as she walked over to them. She was surprised to see her. “You came?”

Her mom didn’t answer her. She just tearfully pulled her in for a hug. She gripped Alison’s cheeks with her fingers.

“Your father is on a plane coming in from New York. We were so worried.”

 _Um…what?_ Her parents actually cared about her?

Her mom hugged her again. When she pulled away Jason grabbed her and gave her a bear hug, his hand landing delicately on the back of her head. She hugged him back. He could feel her shaking. It enraged him.

“I’ll fucking kill him for this,” Jason said quietly.

“Get in line.” Alison spit back.

When they pulled away she saw her Aunt Veronica and Uncle Peter walking towards them. Emily’s parents and Aria’s dad were with them. They had found each other in the crowd. Their children weren’t with them. Alison felt her heart sink. She could see the worried expressions on their faces. She looked at her Aunt Veronica.

“Have you heard anything from Spencer?” Alison asked.

“Nothing yet,” Veronica answered. She shook her head in disbelief. “I told his attorney it was a terrible idea.”

Alison swallowed a knot in her throat.

“So, it’s true then? It was him?”

“It hasn’t been confirmed yet, but it’s highly likely.”

“Alison, sweetheart, have you talked to Emily?” Pam asked hopefully. Alison saw her hands trembling.

Alison shook her head, tears in her eyes.

“I was…I was in the cafeteria with Aria and Spencer right before everything went to shit. I heard that Em was in the library, but I don’t know for sure. Aria and Spencer were on their way to find her. Hanna and I were walking to class. I don’t…I don’t know where they are.”

“I’m going to try Ella again.” Aria’s dad Byron gripped his phone. “Last time I talked to her she said they were still clearing some of the classrooms.” He walked a few paces away and dialed his wife’s number.

“I’m going to see if I can get one of the guys on the force to talk,” Wayne had a stoic look on his face, but his eyes told a different story. Emily had his eyes. They were very expressive. And _very_ worried.

Pam and Wayne walked off. Peter suggested to Veronica that they go, too, just in case Wayne did get a cop to talk. They followed Emily’s parents, disappearing into the crowd.

They watched as slowly, several other masses of students were led out to safety. Many of them were hounded by the press. Some were nearly bowled over by their loved ones. Alison watched the door, waiting.

“Come on, Em,” she muttered, biting her lip. “Where are you?”

Thirty agonizing minutes later she spotted two familiar faces in the crowd. Seeing Aria and Spencer gave her hope, but then it quickly dissipated. Because Emily wasn’t with them. Alison broke away from the crowds, away from her family and ran up to them. Spencer saw her coming.

“Ali, I’ve been trying to call you, but the lines are jammed. Are you okay?” Spencer asked.

“I forgot my phone at home.” She looked around for Emily. Surely she had to be right behind them.

“Hell of a day to do that.” Aria muttered darkly.

Spencer glanced at her in surprise. She was usually passive as hell. Then again, Spencer had seen another side to Aria when they’d heard the gunshots. The girl had gone straight past _flight_ and was ready to _fight._ She was looking for things to use as a weapon the second they went into hiding. She’d grabbed a pair of scissors and a stapler and then she’d shoved a heavy book and a fountain pen at Spencer and told her to “aim for his jugular” if he showed his face.

“Where is she?” Alison looked around frantically.

“Emily?” Spencer questioned.

“She’s not with you? Why isn’t she with you?” She felt panic rising in her chest. “You didn’t stay with her!” She flung her hands angrily at Spencer.

Spencer grabbed her wrists before she could make contact. She saw how terrified Alison was. Normally she’d lecture her about keeping her hands to herself, but under the circumstances, she let it go.

“Why didn’t you stay with her?” She felt like breaking down.

“We never made it to the library,” Spencer said. “We got sidetracked by a couple of the girls on the team. They had some questions about the line-up. We weren’t even near the library when the first shot went off.”

“So…she’s alone?” Alison asked, tears in her eyes.

“Hey, she’s smart. She’s resourceful.” Aria tried to make her feel better.

All Alison could think about was what had happened the last time Emily had been alone in the school. Ben had come back to finish what he’d started. Alison’s blood was boiling. She should have killed him when she had the chance.

Alison dropped her head. Her shoulders started shaking as she started to cry. All of the emotions she’d felt building up inside were flooding out of her. Spencer pulled her in for a hug and she curled into her embrace. Spencer held her, running her hand over the back of Alison’s head. Aria leaned forward and put her hand on Alison’s shoulder.

Alison saw movement from behind Spencer and she saw a man in uniform carrying out a huddled mass of fur. Her heart leaped into her throat.

 _Ace_.

She was too far away to see if he was hurt. But that wasn’t the most terrifying part. The most terrifying part was the fact that Emily wasn’t with her dog.

A sharp cool jolt shot down her spine. She felt like all of the blood had been drained from her body. She felt her legs going numb. She was seconds from passing out, but then she saw another officer walking out the door, assisting someone.

Emily stepped out into the light and Alison felt all of the energy return to her body. She pulled herself away from Spencer and pushed through a crowd of people that were barricading the front of the safe zone.

“Emily!” She cried out.

She saw Emily raise her head. A cop tried to grab Alison to pull her back, but she dodged him. She darted up the stairs. Emily felt the officer with her move in front of her protectively, but she told him to let Alison through.

“She’s my girlfriend.” Emily tried to maneuver around the police officer.

Alison whizzed right by him.

“Em, thank God.” She put her palms on Emily’s cheeks. She looked her over. She saw traces of blood on her, but couldn’t find the source. She looked closer and saw a gash on her arm.

“You’re bleeding…”

“I’m fine. I…I caught the edge of the table when I tried to make sure Ace was out of the way.”

Of course her first fucking instinct was to save the dog and not herself. Alison’s hands tightened on her face as she tried to contain her emotions.

“Ali, are you okay?” Emily moved her palm gently against the side of Alison’s neck.

“I’m okay,” she said. “You’re safe.” _She’s safe._ She had to tell herself to make it real. _She’s safe_. “You’re safe, so I’m okay.”

Alison dropped her hands to the side of Emily’s neck and pushed her forehead against Emily’s, breathing out a shaky exhalation against her face. Tears lined both of their faces. Neither of them said anything as Alison tilted her chin up. Their lips met in a comforting kiss.

“We need to keep it moving, ladies,” the police officer said.

Alison grabbed Emily’s arm to walk with her. The cop started to say something, but closed his mouth when he saw Alison staring at him. She _dared_ him to try and pry her away. They slowly started to walk forward, the cops walking with them.

“The shots spooked Ace.” Emily was still shaking. “I…” She swallowed a knot in her throat. “They were so close. I thought for sure one grazed him. But he’s okay. He’s just a little shell-shocked. I don’t think he was trained for something like this…”

“Emily, are _you_ okay?”

“It was Ben,” she said quietly. “He was looking for me.” She took a breath to try and calm down. “I told him to let everyone else go.”

“You _what_?” Alison wanted to kiss her and smack at the same time. It wasn’t surprising that she’d put others before herself. It’s just the way her mind worked.

“We’re all clear.” The cop escorting them spoke into his radio.

“10-4. Sweep is done. We’re all clear on this end, too. Area has been secured. No need for medical assist. No injuries. No fatalities. The suspect is in custody, and is admitting it was an isolated incident in which he acted alone. He had a target in mind.”

Alison glanced at Emily, knowing _she_ was the target. But there was a huge sense of relief in knowing that no one had been killed. And that they had Ben in custody again. There was no way he’d ever be free again. They’d lock him up for good for this.

“We’re going to need you to come to the station and go over your statement again.” The cop helped Emily down the last step.

“Yes, sir.” Emily nodded. “I gave the recording to the officer that was first on the scene.”

Alison cocked her head in confusion.

“He’s logging it as evidence as we speak.” The cop looked towards the press. Another uniformed officer was waving him over. “I’ve got to make a statement to the press. You should find your parents.”

Emily nodded and thanked him as he walked off.

“What is he talking about? What recording?” Alison asked. “What happened in there?”

“When Ben came after me I didn’t have enough time to get away, so I did the only other thing I could do…”

“You fought off a psychopath with a gun?”

Emily shook her head.

“I talked him down,” she said. “It’s all on tape. I had my recorder on me.”

 _How?_ How had she possibly been able to do that? Everything she’d ever seen about mass shootings indicated that reasoning _never_ worked. It was downright dangerous. What had happened at Rosewood High was an anomaly. It was an extreme outlier. Talking _never_ worked. Then again, maybe since Ben was only after Emily it was somehow different. Either way, what _could_ have happened terrified Alison.

“You could have died.” Alison grit her teeth together.

“Story of my life every day.” Emily shrugged.

Alison drew in a deep breath and moved to hold her face again. It felt so important to touch her, to love her, to be there for her in every way. They stood in silence for a few seconds. Not even the background noise of the hundreds of people surrounding the school distracted them. They were focused on each other. Alison cradled her cheeks, hot tears burning her eyes again. She pushed her lips against Emily’s again, so grateful she was holding her, touching her. She pulled back and looked into her eyes.

“I don’t give a shit whether you want me or not, Em.” Alison held her cheeks tightly. “Because you’ve got me. And I’m not going anywhere…”

Emily didn’t fight her. Instead, she leaned forward, capturing Alison’s lips with her own once again. After a few seconds they both pulled away.

“Are you sure?” Emily knew what that meant for her. For them.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Alison brushed her cheek with her fingers. “I’m with you in this. No matter what. Because I’m in love with you, Emily Fields. And there is nothing you can say or do to change that.”

Sitting in that closet with Hanna had been the longest two hours of her life. But it wasn’t the immediate danger or the fact that they could have been killed that was the hardest part. It was the terrifying thought that _Emily_ wouldn’t survive. That’s what she was being faced with in knowing about her health. But even going into it knowing death was a potential outcome, she still wanted to be with Emily. She wanted every precious moment with her.

“Our timing…” Alison nodded, tears in her eyes, “…it’s…”

“Terrible.” Emily finished her sentence for her.

“It is,” Alison said. But then she added, “But every second we’re together is time we’re meant to be. I don’t care how this ends. I only care that I’m with you. _Now_.”

The moment she’d met Emily Fields she knew that the girl was going to change her life. She never would have guessed it would be in this manner. She never thought they’d end up here, but she wouldn’t change a thing. She loved her with every cell in her body. And there was nothing she wouldn’t do for her. She couldn’t help but think about what Cece had said to her,

_“You have to go into this knowing that there is a gun pointed directly at your chest. And you have to be willing to stay in front of that gun and take that bullet.”_

She had quite literally been willing to do that today. She knew the road wasn’t going to be easy, but she also knew she wouldn’t survive the journey if she didn’t stand by Emily’s side.

* * *

 **A/N:** _Real talk, I struggled with whether or not to cut this plot. It was always in the cards as I built up Ben’s subplot in the outline. I’ve been foreshadowing it for a while. But I know the content is hard-hitting. Like the attempted rape, it was not something I took lightly. As someone who has been in a situation like this before, I know the lasting effects it has on people. I was fortunate enough that when this happened at my school (years ago) no one was injured or killed. That’s unfortunately not the case with a lot of other shootings. I went back and forth on whether or not to keep it in, and after recent events in Colorado and Virginia it really rattled me to the point of putting the story on hold for a while._

_I write a lot of dark content, and it very much reflects the real world. And sometimes those lines completely blur. Gun violence and mass shootings are extremely difficult to address in fiction. I want everyone to know that I take into consideration the horrific things that happen in real life, and because of this I know how easy it is to strike a nerve. I knew going into this chapter (and the next one, as you’ll get Emily’s POV in the next chapter) that it was going to be difficult for me to share that content, not only because of my experiences with gun violence, but also because of the frequency of mass shootings in my country._

_The events in Colorado, where a kid, a CHILD, lost his life in school protecting his classmates really upset me (it always does). It was enough to make me want to completely scrap the shooting in this story, even though the outcome is that there is no death from it in this fic. It's still traumatizing for anyone who has ever been in that situation._

_I am hyper-aware of these heinous acts. The recent mass shooting in Virginia Beach (where part of my family lives) has made me insanely anxious about this chapter and the following one. The people who were killed and those who have forever been affected are my family's family. This is the second mass shooting in a three year time span where I've been directly connected to people who lost friends/family._

_I know you all know that I take what I write very seriously. I also want you to know that when writing and sharing something like this I do my best to remain as realistic and respectful as I possibly can._

_I didn't know if I should put this chapter on hold. It was very hard for me to stomach the edit, as I'm still kind of reeling from what happened in Virginia. I have been on the phone non-stop the past several days talking to my family members, who are devastated (as am I). And the sad reality is that it's going to happen again. It always does. The sad reality is that even if I did postpone this chapter...there will be another shooting that will make me want to postpone it again. Because that's the world we live in._

_After wrestling with it I decided to publish it in its entirety. It was a defining moment for Alison, along with her conversations with Cece and Toby. It was something that pushed her into realizing exactly what her relationship to Emily truly is. I hope that’s the takeaway here._


	27. Hidden Depths

**A/N:** _This chapter has echos of what happened in the previous chapter, but in Emily’s point of view. So we’re once again dealing with something triggering. So just go into it knowing that the material might be hard to read._

* * *

  **Chapter 27:**

**Hidden Depths**

If Alison never saw the inside of a police precinct again she could die happy. She sat next to Emily, holding her hand as she spoke to the lead officer on the case.

It had been two weeks since the shooting. School had resumed. It was finals week. The teachers had been a little more lenient on the kids given the trauma they’d endured. Even though no one had been killed it had still rattled the entire student body. The school administrators had counselors readily available so no one would buckle under the pressure.

Emily and Alison had both finished their last finals and then Alison drove her out to the station to help the cops close the case. Ben wasn’t fighting any of the charges. He knew it was useless. Deep down, Emily believed he thought he belonged in prison, like he _needed_ to be there, because he didn’t belong in society. He didn’t know how to exist in the real world. Even his parents didn’t argue a case for him. They’d become shut-ins.

Alison thought Emily would have problems with her anxiety, but she was extremely calm about the entire ordeal. Something about accepting her diagnosis had shifted her priorities in life. It was actually the cancer that had saved her from Ben’s wrath. When Alison had asked her how she managed to talk Ben down she’d been floored to hear her response:

 _“I played the cancer card,”_ she’d replied with a weak smile.

The police officer sitting in the room was listening to the recording Emily had made. When Ben had cornered her in the library she’d had the sense to reach into her pocket and hit the record button on her recorder she used for her class lessons. She was taping over her History lecture, but she didn’t give a shit.

Veronica was at the head of the table taking notes. Pam and Wayne were seated on the other end. Emily had heard the recording dozens of times during her interviews with the police. No one else had heard it yet. Alison squeezed Emily’s hand as they listened to the events unfolding.

They’d heard Emily’s statement about how the school had turned into a madhouse when the first shots were fired. Emily said she’d heard several people in the library racing towards the exit. The school media specialist had helped Emily to her feet, but they’d been sidetracked when two kids from a special education group that met in the library twice a week had panicked.

Emily told her to get them to safety as she’d grabbed Ace’s leash and her cane. They’d heard another shot, closer this time, and Emily instinctively went to shield her dog, stumbling on her feet, her arm catching the sharp edge of a table. Her adrenaline had been pumping so hard that she’d barely felt it.

Most of the kids had made it out of the library by the time Ben had entered with the weapon, a gun he’d stolen from his father.

 _“FIELDS!”_ He’d called her out. _“Don’t you fucking move!”_

Emily had stopped moving immediately. She’d been able to hear someone a few feet in front of her crying and shivering. She’d assured whoever it was that everything was going to be okay before slowly turning towards the sound of his voice, her hand in her pocket on her recorder. That’s when she’d hit the record button.

_“Ben, this is between you and me. Let them go.”_

There was silence, then the loud sound of the gun firing. Emily had instinctively moved towards the crying student, worried that he’d shot her. But seconds later she heard what sounded like paper crumpling and books falling to the ground. The bullet had struck the edge of one of the stacks and had ricocheted. The busted spine of a book hit Ace’s nose and he yelped in surprise. Emily had then moved towards her dog, but Ben yelled loudly,

 _“Not another step, bitch!”_ There was a lapse of silence and then Ben huffed angrily. _“Get the fuck out before I change my mind.”_ He had told the remaining students in the library.

Emily felt a tender hand on her arm. The crying girl. She had no idea who it was, but from her touch she guessed someone young. A freshman probably.

 _“Go ahead. It’s okay,”_ she’d said.

She’d heard rapid footsteps and more crying. Then the library was eerily silent. She had no idea if there were still people hiding in the stacks or not, but she was hoping for their sake that they would stay hidden. Her heart had been beating wildly in her chest. She could hear her pulse in her head.

 _“You ruined my life.”_ Ben had growled. _“Six months. I spent six fucking months in a cell being hassled EVERY day.”_

Alison grit her teeth together angrily. That bitch was always playing the fucking victim. It pissed her off. But she was also wildly glad to hear that he’d gotten justice in prison.

_“And now I’m fucked. My record is going to follow me for life.”_

_“Ben, this doesn’t have to go down like this.”_ Emily’s voice was strangely calm. _“No one else has to die…”_

 _“You really think I’d waste my ammo on some assholes I don’t care about?”_ Ben had scoffed. _“I don’t give a shit about anyone else in this dump. All I want is you, DiLaurentis, Cavanaugh, and that fucking traitor Noel Kahn…”_ He’d waved the gun angrily. _“I haven’t killed anyone. I just fired off a few rounds to send everyone running. No point in wasting time going after people I couldn’t care less about.”_

_“We can still walk out of here without anyone getting hurt. You just need to put the gun down.”_

_“Not a chance in hell. You’re dead, Fields.”_

_“That may be true, but it doesn’t have to be you who pulls the trigger.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“You don’t have to kill me now in order for me to die. I’m ALREADY dying.”_

_“The fuck are you babbling about?”_

_“You hate me? You want me dead? Whatever. It doesn’t matter HOW. It’s going to happen…whether it’s a bullet in that gun or the cancer I have. I’m going to die.”_

_“What?”_ It had caused him to pause.

_“I have cancer. You want me to suffer, right? Trust me, I am. Believe me when I say that living is much worse than dying at this point.”_

Emily cringed hearing this part of the confrontation every time. Because she hadn’t meant it. And she knew that it would hurt her loved ones to hear her say it. But she knew she had to convince Ben that letting her live would be worse than killing her.

 _“You’re fuckin’ with me.”_ Ben didn’t believe her.

 _“I wish I was.”_ Emily had calmly replied.

_“You don’t look sick.”_

Emily had to refrain from telling him that he didn’t look like a fuckwad, but that he was.

_“I found out the day you sent me to the hospital.”_

_“I TOLD you to stop struggling. That was your fault.”_

Alison’s thoughts were murderous. Did he really think that way? What the hell was wrong with him? How the fuck had the corrupt-ass system let this monster back into society? Emily never should have had to face off with him again.

_“It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters. I have a fucking brain tumor, Ben. And I’m going to die. Believe what you want. I don’t really care.”_

_“Stop lying to me!”_ He’d screamed.

 _“I’m not.”_ She’d promised. _“I have an Optic Nerve Glioma.”_

_“Shut up. You’re just trying to save your ass. It’s not going to work!”_

_“We both know I can take you in a fair fight. I wouldn’t need to lie.”_ Emily’s voice was still strong and self-assured. _“If you don’t believe me look in my bag. There’s a manila envelope in there that has a notarized living will with the details.”_ The fact that she had put it in there for her trip to Baltimore had been the thing that saved her life.

 _“Don’t you move a muscle or I’ll put a bullet in you AND your stupid fucking dog.”_ Ben threatened.

His inflammatory remarks about Ace made Alison angrier than she already was. She looked at Emily’s loyal Labrador sitting next to her, peering up at her like she was the world. She’d come to love Ace as much as she loved Emily. And the fact that Ben threatened him really pissed her off. She saw Emily gently scratching the side of his neck with her free hand. He was leaning into her touch. Alison smiled at the wholesomeness of it.

There was shuffling on the recorder, a few minutes of silence as Ben pulled out the envelope. They could hear the sounds of him flipping through the pages.

_“Holy shit.”_

_“See?”_

There was a loud bang. Everyone at the table except for Emily and the officer jumped. Emily put a comforting hand on Alison’s knee.

Seconds later there were loud commands being shouted that the recorder picked up. Ben had barricaded the front entrance of the library and the cops were trying to get in.

He’d practically leaped over towards Emily and grabbed her. She’d held her hands up when she felt the muzzle of the gun against her temple. The recorder picked up her shaky exhale. It made Alison irate to hear it. She wanted to reach through the recorder and strangle the life out of him.

 _“Not a goddamn word, Fields.”_ His voice dropped to a whisper.

It was quiet for a minute, but then there was another loud clanging noise.

_“We have the building surrounded! We know you’re in there! Come out with your hands up!”_

Ben let out a sound of frustration.

_“Fuck off!”_

_“If you refuse to cooperate we’ll have no choice but to take you by force! Again, comply or we will be forced to make you comply!”_

_“You can suck my non-compliant dick! You come at me and I’ll put a bullet in this pretty little girl’s head, paint this fuckin’ room with her brains!”_

Alison squirmed. She hated Ben for so many reasons. The way he treated Emily…the way he looked at her and talked to her…it brought out a raw untapped rage in her. Emily could feel Alison tensing up. She gently caressed Alison’s hand to keep her from blowing her top.

 _“Suspect has a hostage. Repeat, suspect has a hostage.”_ They could hear the police chatter.

_“Goddamn right I do! And I’ll fucking kill her if you come in here!”_

_“We can talk this out. Just let her go, son…”_

_“I’m not your fucking son!”_ He’d jerked Emily back towards a corner where he could see everything, and no one could sneak up on him.

 _“There is no way out of this, Ben…”_ Emily had quietly warned him.

_“Shut up. Shut up. Just…let me fucking think.”_

_“Whatever you’re thinking about doing, just don’t. We can talk about this. What is it that you want?”_ The cop called to him.

 _“I want the last six months of my life back,”_ he’d muttered.

_“Hey, listen to me! If you kill her there’s no going back…”_

_“Listen to them, Ben.”_ Emily had been saying his name deliberately over and over again on tape as proof that it was him, but also because she was trying to reach whatever humanity he might have. _“Think about this. You said you haven’t hurt anybody else, right? It’s just me that you want? Do you REALLY want to go down for a murder when I’m going to die anyway? You can just let me go right now and I’ll be dead in six months. A LONG torturous six months. That’s what you want, right?”_

_“I told you it WASN’T just you. The others…”_

_“The fact that they’ll still be alive when I’m dead is worse than anything you could ever do to them.”_ Emily cut him off.

It stung Alison to hear it, because it was true. She felt Emily squeeze her fingers, a gentle reminder that she was still alive, that she was right next to her.

 _“If you kill me now what does that accomplish?”_ Emily asked.

 _“I’m going back to prison either way.”_ He’d shoved the gun against her head.

 _“Yeah, but this could mean the difference between a life sentence or the death penalty.”_ There was a pause.

_“Or I could just bypass all that and kill us both. Would still hurt your little family and I get what I want.”_

_“Do you really want to die?”_

_“If I means I get the pleasure of watching you die…”_ His finger had been shaking on the trigger.

Emily had been able to feel every single one of his movements. She’d been able to feel his hot smelly breath against her neck. She’d felt his bulging muscles against her throat. She’d smelled his sweat. She’d also felt his vulnerabilities…his insecurities.

 _“And what about your mom?”_ Emily didn’t skip a beat.

_“What does she have to do with this?”_

_“I know you hate your dad.”_ She hated his dad, too. She also knew that despite Ben being a psychopath, he still had a soft spot for his mom. _“But your mom never gave up on you, did she? What do you think it’ll do to her if you die?”_

_“She’ll get over it. Probably pop another little brat out after I’m gone.”_

_“Do you know what it’s like for parents to lose a child? Because I do. I’ve seen it. I saw it in my parents faces every day…”_

Pam turned away, trying to hide a quiet cry. Wayne wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.

 _“_ … _I’ve actually watched parents lose their children.”_

_“Those parents probably actually loved their kids.”_

_“Despite what you’ve done, your mother loves you, Ben.”_

She’d heard that Ben’s mom had visited him often and took him pastries and books and spent as much time with him as she could. She’d even gone as far as blaming Emily for getting Ben incarcerated. Because she was blinded for the love that she had for her son.

_“No. No, fuck her. She stood by and let my dad knock me around…”_

_“He beats her, too, doesn’t he?”_

_“Shut up!”_ Ben screamed. _“You don’t know my life! Shut up!”_

 _“You don’t want to do this.”_ There was a crack in her voice as she remembered saying the exact same thing to him the day he’d attacked her in the locker room. _“I KNOW you don’t want to do this.”_

 _“Don’t! Just…be quiet.”_ He muttered something that the recorder didn’t pick up, which Emily later told police was him arguing with himself about what he wanted to do. Through the garbled mess they could hear the words, _“…unbelievable…fucking cancer…”_ being mumbled.

 _“We have the whole building surrounded! There is no way out of this. It’s just a matter of time. Let’s talk this through. There’s always a way out!”_ The cop outside pleaded.

That had only made Ben tighten his hold on Emily and press the gun harder against her head. The tape picked up another shaky breath. But this time it wasn’t Emily. It was Ben. He was cracking.

There were several intense minutes of negotiation. The only time Emily was heard on tape was when the officer asked her to verify that she was okay. She said she was.

After a few more minutes, the cops told Ben they were coming in and he held Emily tighter against his body, hoping to keep any bullets from striking him in case they fired. There was a bunch of conversation happening between Ben and one particular officer.

_“Just put the gun down…”_

_“No!”_

_“_ … _don’t want to hurt you.”_

_“Back off!”_

_“_ … _take it easy…”_

 _“_ … _test me…I’ll do it! I’ll fucking do it! I’ll kill her!”_

 _“_ … _let her go.”_

There was a ton of police chatter on the policeman’s walkie.

 _“_ … _eyes on the target.”_

 _“_ … _hostage.”_

 _“_ … _no clear shot.”_

_“Put the gun down, son!”_

More negotiation. More chatter. And then finally, Ben had agreed to put the weapon down. There was an aggravated growl and then a shuffling noise. He’d moved them both down towards the ground.

He still had Emily in front of him, using her for a shield. He’d shoved his body weight against the back of her knees, forcing her to the ground. They heard a loud thunk and Emily huffing out a quiet gasp.

Alison had learned after the shooting that Emily had bruises on both of her knees from how hard she’d hit the floor. It was a miracle that she hadn’t shattered her kneecaps.

Seconds later there was a clicking noise and something bumping against the carpet. Ben sliding the gun towards the police. He fell on top of Emily, forcing them both to the floor.

The noises descended into chaos. There were loud footsteps and officers shouting and Ben breathing heavily.

_“Don’t move! DON’T MOVE! Hands where we can see them!”_

They heard shouting, directions, and orders. They’d cuffed him and yanked him off of Emily. The recorder picked up a heavy gasping breath she’d been trying to take, but had been unable to because of his weight on top of hers.

Emily hadn’t moved from the floor, even after they pulled Ben away from her. She had no idea how many guns were trained on them and she didn’t want to make the wrong move.

 _“We need you to come with us.”_ A voice could be heard on the recorder.

 _“O…okay.”_ Emily replied shakily. She still didn’t move. _“I…um…I’m blind. I need a little help. Where…where do I go?”_

The officer had helped her off of the ground and into a chair. Her hands had been shaking so much that her entire body was practically vibrating.

_“Just take a few deep breaths, sweetheart. Are you injured?”_

_“No.”_ Seconds went by. _“Can someone please check on my dog?”_

Ace. She’d asked about Ace after all of that. Alison closed her eyes to starve off tears.

_The purity of my girl…_

The police officer sitting at the table turned the recorder off. Veronica glanced at Emily and then at the police officer.

“It’s an open and shut case,” Veronica stated.

“We agree. The courts will rule on that, too. The suspect waived his right to an attorney and pled guilty. It’s only a matter of time until he’s transferred to a maximum federal security prison. This is simply a formality,” he glanced at Emily. “Had it not been for Miss Fields here, the ending result could have been catastrophic. Had she not engaged with the suspect the way that she did we don’t know what he would have gone on to do. It was a miracle in itself that no one was killed. In these cases, that rarely happens. She got him to a place where we could mentally reach him. This is typically not how these things end. You are a very special young lady.”

“I just followed my gut.” Emily replied sheepishly. She wasn’t looking for the commendation. She didn’t want the spotlight on her.

Alison knew she’d done more than follow her gut. She’d followed her heart. She’d let it guide her.

“Do you have any follow up questions for my client?” Veronica asked.

“No ma’am. We want this case closed as much as you do.” He looked at Emily again. “And for Miss Fields here to get back to her life.”

“Thank you,” Emily said. She felt Alison squeezing her fingers. “Can I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“Is anything going to happen to his dad?”

“He had an unregistered weapon and didn’t properly have it secured, so we suspect negligence charges will be filed…”

“Not about the gun. He beats his wife.” Emily frowned.

The room was silent. The cop considered how he wanted to answer. Technically, he wasn’t supposed to discuss hypotheticals.

“The mother has yet to come forward to confirm or deny what was on the recording,” the cop said. “And unfortunately, unless she reports it there’s nothing our department can do for her.”

Emily sighed. She hated Ben, and she didn’t like his parents either, but something about how quickly a switch had been flipped inside of Ben told her that she was right on the mark about his home life with his parents. She knew that statistically speaking Ben’s mother would probably end up broken or dead. She also knew there was nothing more she could do. She thanked the police officer for his honesty.

The cop escorted them out. Emily’s parents walked into the lobby, hanging back a few minutes to talk to Veronica. Alison and Emily walked outside with Ace.

“How are you holding up?” Alison asked.

“I’d be better if people stopped asking me that.” Emily smiled half-heartedly. “It’s a good thing I’m already in therapy. How about you?”

“My parents have got me in therapy, too.” Alison scoffed. “Like I wasn’t already fucked up from being their kid? Where was the therapy ten years ago?”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Emily didn’t miss her deflection. “How are you?”

“After that brutal Statistics final I had I was wishing I was back in that supply closet with Hanna. That lockdown was less painful.”

“Jesus Christ, Alison.” Emily snorted.

“Dark humor. It’s how I deal.” She shrugged with an innocent smile. “I’m okay. Really.”

“I’m so sorry he put you…that he put _everyone_ through that.”

“I’m just glad he’s going away for good.” She stroked Emily’s arm. “You’ve really handled this like a champ.” Not that she was surprised. Emily had always been incredibly resilient.

“You know, it’s weird. Everyone expects me to be completely incapacitated by it. But I’m telling you…facing your own mortality makes something like having a gun held to your head seem…” She tried to think of the right word.

“Trivial?” Alison guessed.

“No. Not trivial.” Never trivial. Something like that would never be trivial. “Just…accepted. It happened. Now it’s over. At least for me. The thing that bothers me the most is that he traumatized the entire school. And for what? To get at me? That’s not fair to them. He fucked up the lives of everyone in that place…changed their worldview all because he was a mad little boy throwing a tantrum about something _he_ caused in life. I don’t get it. I just don’t.”

“He uh…he sounded really unhinged in that recording.” She paused and then frowned. “I mean, I know we’ve been over what happened, but hearing it was…” She couldn’t find words to describe it.

Emily had told her in detail exactly what had happened, but hearing it today had been totally different. She chewed on her lip. Emily could feel the tension in her stance. She could always feel the nervousness in her hands. Her fingers twitched and her palm always had a thin sheen of sweat covering it. Emily could tell that it wasn’t just hearing Ben completely whacked out that had upset Alison. It was hearing what she’d said to him.

“Ali, all those things I said…”

“You were trying to stay alive.” Alison interrupted her. “I know you didn’t mean them, Em.”

“I wasn’t afraid to die,” she admitted quietly. “I should have been. I knew he was a loose cannon. But like I said…people don’t know how to act when they first find out. It was the only weapon I had. So, I used it. I knew I had to keep him with me long enough for the cops to get there and for everyone else to get somewhere safe. I knew he was after me. And I knew…” She licked her lips nervously. “I knew I couldn’t give him a chance to go after you or Toby…or anyone else.”

“It was valiant and brave…” Alison moved their linked hands up between their chests and smiled as she pecked Emily on the lips, “…and very stupid.”

“Well, you know me.”

“Always diving off of cliffs.” Alison shook her head with a soft laugh.

“Knowing what you know now, would you still have jumped in after me?”

“Without question.” Alison nodded. “You’ve always owned my heart.”

“Hmm, I just thought I was leasing it.” Emily kissed her forehead.

“Alison DiLaurentis is _not_ for rent. I’m a luxury estate top seller. Plenty of people would buy this in a heartbeat, okay?”

“Okay.” Emily laughed, feeling around for the bench. She sat down. “Might as well get comfortable. I’m sure my mom has about a billion questions for Mrs. Hastings.”

Ace took his spot at the end of the bench. Alison sat down next to her. Emily almost immediately pulled her against her body. Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder. She sighed, still trying to process everything she’d heard on the tape.

“So, _living will_ , huh?” she asked, playing with Emily’s fingers. “What exactly does that mean?”

“I had one drafted up a few months ago. It’s something I’d been talking to my parents about. Since I’m turning eighteen, we had to change a few things for my medical records. It’s…it’s not up to them anymore if something happens…”

Alison lifted her head and faced her, pulling her sunglasses down. The whites of her eyes were red and her pupils were dilated.

“But nothing is going to happen, right? That’s…that’s why you’re going to Baltimore? So you can start that new treatment your doctors are planning?”

“Yeah, that’s…uh…it’s the plan. I’m set up to go out there tomorrow, get settled in and everything.” Emily reached up and rubbed her eyes.

She still hadn’t told her friends yet, not with everything that had happened. Alison, Hanna, and Toby were the only ones who knew the truth. Alison told Emily that she’d mentioned it to Cece, too. She expected Emily to be mad, but Emily told her she understood. The people closest to her would know soon enough. She was having a dinner with all of her friends that night after everyone’s finals were over. She knew she couldn’t leave Rosewood without telling her friends.

“I want to go with you.” Alison touched her cheek gently.

“You’ll miss graduation.” Emily’s brow scrunched up.

“Screw graduation. It’s just a stupid ceremony where you get a piece of paper while wearing a hideous piece of fashion that looks like curtains in a very sad person’s house. I wasn’t going to go anyway.” She held her head up like she was _too cool_ for it. “That is…if I even passed my finals.”

“I’m sure you did great.” Emily tensed up. She felt bad that she’d caused such a huge distraction and derailed Alison’s academics by dropping everything on her about her cancer.

“I don’t know. I was so fed up with everything that on my math exam I wrote _two plus two equals foreskin_. I almost added, “because this test sucks dick” but I didn’t think that would be received very well.”

“Yet the foreskin would be?”

“Teachers love a little sass during finals week.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“What are they going to do? Fail us? Then they’d have to see us again next year and we all know they don’t want that.”

“Valid point.” Emily nodded.

“So, what time are we leaving?”

“Are you sure you want to go? I mean, like I’ve told you, the first couple of days they just run tests.”

“I don’t care. I want to be there.”

When Emily didn’t answer right away, Alison continued pushing,

“You might as well tell me. Otherwise I’m just going to show up at your motel and start knocking on doors until I find you…while wearing my lacy red teddy.” She said, her voice having a strange purr in it. “Might be kind of awkward if I get your parent’s room though…”

“Fine.” Emily laughed. She had a soft look on her face that made Alison’s insides feel like they were mush. “You are relentless.” She chuckled, her face flinching as she moved.

Alison saw her try to hide her discomfort. She slipped her sunglasses back on to help with the light intake.

“How bad is it?” Alison ran her index finger over Emily’s temple. She could always tell when Emily had a migraine.

“Not too bad. I took a pain killer a few hours ago.”

“It’s getting to be kind of a daily thing,” Alison sighed.

“It’s part of it. It’s one of those things that’s just constantly there.” Emily shrugged with a sad smile. “I’ve had worse.”

“I can’t even function if I have a normal headache. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I have you.” Emily didn’t hesitate in her response. She took Alison’s hand.

“And you always will.” Alison squeezed her fingers as she leaned over and placed an innocent kiss on her lips. When she pulled back Emily was smiling.

They heard shuffling across the parking lot. Alison looked up and saw three people, two dressed in professional attire and one wearing jeans and a T-shirt hauling a camera around with him.

Reporters.

They’d been unyielding in their pursuit of any kind of interview they could get since the shooting. There had only been a few kids eager to talk about it to get their fifteen minutes of fame, but for the most part people just brushed the reporters off. No one aside from Emily and her family knew the extent of what had happened in the library that day. Everyone involved was under a gag order. Not only that, but no one really wanted to talk about it, solely because they wanted to move on with their lives. Just because no one had been killed didn’t mean they weren’t thinking about how much worse it could have been. The circumstances of that day had changed the lives of everyone at that school. It was something they’d always carry with them.

The news had really latched on to it and was following it like it was still a hot topic. Mostly, it was because not much happened in Rosewood and the shooting was the first big newsworthy thing that had happened there in months.

They were constantly hanging outside of the school and the police station just hoping for a soundbite. They’d been kicked off of the school premises, and the cops had warned them to leave their station several times. But they still hung around. And any time they got near Emily it set something inside of Alison off. She was very protective of her privacy.

“Ugh, someone let the vultures out of their cages.” Alison looked at the reporters in disgust. “I’m so sick of these stupid leeches.”

“I’ll take care of it.” Emily put her hand on the edge of the bench and started to stand up.

“No. Let me handle it.” Alison gently put her hand on Emily’s arm to stop her. “I’ve got a lot of repressed anger. Might as well take it out on them.”

“Don’t kill anyone.” Emily warned her. “We _are_ in front of a police station, after all.”

Alison stood up and paced over towards the news van, her heels clacking against the pavement, a determined ferocity in her gait.

Emily heard Ace’s collar jingle and then felt his head against her knee. He grunted. She reached out and scratched him between his ears.

“That’s my girl.” She smiled as she pet her dog. “I think I picked a good one.”

She felt him exhale a breath through his nose, the heat from it blowing against her pants. Emily sat in the sun for a few minutes, soaking in the rays. She could smell the azaleas in bloom. She heard the door to the building open and close and the chatter of her parents as they walked down the steps. Emily heard them coming and stood up to meet them.

“Hey, where’s Alison?” Wayne questioned.

“Making a news reporter cry into a mug of coffee, probably.” Emily smiled. She heard confused murmurs from her parents and she clarified. “She’s ripping into the press.”

Pam and Wayne didn’t have to look very far to see the news van. They couldn’t hear what she was saying, but they could tell by her body language that she was berating the shit out of them. She was _pissed_.

“I really like her.” Wayne chuckled.

“She’s…something.” Pam watched Alison angrily wagging a finger at the news crew.

“I couldn’t be more in love with her if I tried.” Emily admitted. She grabbed Ace’s leash. “She’s coming with us to Baltimore.”

She waited on her parents to resist the idea or give her a hard time about it. Instead her dad just shrugged.

“I’ll book another room at the hotel,” Wayne said. “And she’ll need a parking pass for the lot that connects to the hospital.”

“Wait, we’re staying at the hotel next to the hospital?” Emily asked. “Dad, we can’t afford that…” She bit her lip.

“Hey, it’s taken care of. Don’t worry about it.” Wayne wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“But…”

“Emmy, we might be there a while. You let your Ma and me worry about the rates.”

“I don’t want to bankrupt you guys…”

“Hey, not another word.” Her mom warned.

“I’m going to go get the car,” Wayne said.

“I’d like to ride with Alison if that’s okay. We…we haven’t really had the chance to catch up since the shooting. It’s just been kind of crazy and I just…need some time with her.”

“Are you already packed?” Pam asked.

“I am.”

“Would she like to ride with us tomorrow or are you two riding up together?” Pam questioned.

“I haven’t had a chance to ask her yet.”

“Two cars might be best,” Wayne said. “That way she can escape your mom here if she needs to,” He prodded Pam playfully.

Pam rolled her eyes. She rebuffed Wayne’s playful antics.

“Maybe you two can meet up with Toby. He’s going out to his interview at the University of Maryland tomorrow for his internship.” Pam suggested.

“Maybe we could all grab dinner after my appointment.”

“Sure, if you’re up for it.” Pam couldn’t stop herself from reaching to gently place her palm on Emily’s face.

Emily smiled at her.

“Just…please don’t have the entire restaurant sing happy birthday.”

“I make no promises.” Pam smiled, kissing her forehead. She followed Wayne out to the car.

“See ya at home, kiddo,” Wayne said.

She heard them walking away just as Alison was getting back to her side. She was revved up from her confrontation with the news crew. Emily could tell that she was shaking just by the tone of her voice.

“That piss-poor excuse for a media circus is a waste of air. Normally, I’m all for a little close up, but those idiots could never afford me. Besides, what they’re doing is beyond vile. Someone needs to teach them some fucking manners.”

“Hey, calm down.” Emily reached out in search of her arm. Her palm landed on Alison’s forearm. Alison felt her tension melting away. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Good call. If I stay here I might punch someone.” Alison agreed, softly reaching out to take Emily’s hand.

She led her to where her car was parked and they got Ace situated in the back and then climbed up front. Alison sucked on her lip in thought on their way back to her house. She had so much swirling around in her mind. She made small talk with Emily on their drive, but Emily could tell there was something deeper brewing beneath the surface, so when they pulled into her driveway Emily reached out towards where she knew her hand would be on the steering wheel and put her hand on top of Alison’s.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that recording,” Emily said quietly.

“I’m the one who wanted to go with you for support.” Alison frowned, not wanting Emily to blame herself. Besides, Emily had done everything she possibly could to prepare her for it. “It’s not even about that.” She admitted.

“Ali, I…”

Alison opened her door before Emily could reply. She released Ace from his seat belt harness and then helped Emily out of the passenger’s seat. They walked into the empty house. Her parents were out. She wasn’t sure where her brother was. She glanced at Emily and saw her hands tremoring, which she knew was part of her migraine, one of her symptoms.

“You should sit down.” Alison looked towards the kitchen. “I’m going to make us some tea.”

Emily knew better than to object, so she walked over towards the couch. She pulled her sunglasses off and put them down on the end table. She put a gentle pressure against her eyes with her thumb and index finger and then lowered her head and pressed her fingers against either sides of her temples and drew small slow circles to help with the pressure she felt. She felt Ace nudge her leg.

“I’m okay, buddy,” she assured him.

After a few minutes she heard Alison walking back into the room. She took a seat beside Emily on the couch. She picked up Emily’s hand and put the warm mug in her hand, helping her grip it and making sure she had a hold of it before letting go.

“Thanks.” Emily took the drink. “Did yelling at the reporters help?” She asked, blowing gently against the hot tea.

“Little bit.” Alison nodded, taking a sip of her steaming beverage.

Emily put her tea down and moved closer to Alison, careful not to bump into her too hard so she wouldn’t spill her drink. She sighed and then put her hand against Alison’s arm.

“Listen, I know things have been kind of crazy and we haven’t really had a chance to talk…” She furrowed her brow, “About…everything. I…I know I’ve kept things hidden from you, but I want you to know that’s over now. If you have questions, just ask. No more lies. I promise.”

Alison considered her offer. She nodded and then put her tea down. She had so much she needed to know, but Emily didn’t have the answers, because she knew Emily didn’t know either.

Why did it happen to her? What did the future hold? What was going to happen next? All things that had no answer. She didn’t have the words to tell Emily what she was thinking. Instead, she reached out to touch her, moving her shirt aside to expose the scar on her collar bone. She traced the tattoo over the scar. Emily’s eyes slowly trained down towards Alison’s movements. She reached up and put her fingers on top of Alison’s, guiding them along the scar.

“Chemo…when I was seven,” she said. “It was very short-lived.” She moved Alison’s hand over towards the scar on her arm. Alison traced the ridges, tears in her eyes. “PICC line and IV port.” She let Alison’s fingers linger before delicately moving her hand towards her neck. Alison didn’t need guidance to know where she was going next. She put her fingers against the back of her neck, unable to stop a single tear from slipping down her cheek. “Exploratory surgery,” she said. “I was nine. They went in at the base of the skull and did this fairly new microblast radiation to shrink it.”

“Did it work?” Alison asked hopefully. Maybe they could do it again. Maybe they could blow it completely out of her.

“It did back then.”

“And now?”

Emily sighed with a shrug. Everything was still up in the air. Alison didn’t have the words. She felt emotionally overwhelmed, and there was only one thing that could center her.

Emily.

She leaned in, her forehead pressed against Emily’s. Emily could feel her silent cries coming out in bursts of hot air against her face.

“I should have told you sooner. Maybe I could have spared you…”

“It wouldn’t have changed a thing.” Except maybe the way she treated her, which was seemingly what Emily had feared the most…that somehow her cancer made her less than she was. “I still would have fallen in love with you. Emily, I loved you the day we met. I don’t…I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t understand…” What was the bigger plan? Was there one? “…I don’t understand why we’re here, but I do know that I’m supposed to be with you.”

Emily was her destiny. Her always. It wasn’t a coincidence that their paths had crossed. They were meant to be together. Why destiny was such an unbelievably cruel bitch was beyond her.

“I’m just so sorry that this is happening.” Alison tried to gather her emotions. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“So do you,” Emily replied. “Come here.” She pulled her in for a hug.

Alison closed her eyes and inhaled slowly though her nose, letting Emily’s scent wash over her. Being in Emily’s arms settled her. She was quiet for a few minutes, just appreciating Emily’s touch. She reached out and started tracing patterns on Emily’s arm in the shape of hearts.

“Maya had cancer, too, didn’t she?”

Emily knew the question was coming. She’d been bracing herself ever since she’d told Alison the truth. Alison had been in such a state of shock over everything that she hadn’t asked her yet. “That’s how you two met, right?”

It made so much sense to Alison now…why Emily blamed herself for Maya’s death. She knew Maya died when they were younger. Emily’s hesitation about the trial that had saved her life had been because Maya didn’t get into the trial.

“I’ve met a lot of kids in the cancer ward over the years.” Emily replied. “But Maya…she was special.”

Alison tilted her chin up to look at Emily’s face. Tears were brimming her eyes. Alison reached up with her palm and delicately swiped her cheek before cupping it.

“You’re special, too, Emily.” She held her face. “I look at you every day and I see how fucking special you are.” She stroked her cheek with her thumb. “I’m so sorry you lost her.”

Emily nodded, smiling at her touch. She put her hand on top of Alison’s, holding Alison’s palm in place on her cheek. Alison leaned up and kissed her. Emily pushed back into the kiss. Alison curved into her figure and moved on the couch to get closer to Emily’s body.

Alison’s fingers trailed across the back of her neck, touching her scar. And for the first time in a long time, Emily didn’t flinch or pull away from it. She barely reacted at all. The only thing she could focus on was Alison’s lips on hers. She moved her hand up to cup the back of Alison’s neck, keeping it in place even when Alison pulled her lips away and gently pushed her forehead against Emily’s.

“So what happens…when we go out there tomorrow?” Alison kept her eyes locked on Emily’s.

“They’ll run some bloodwork and do a few scans to determine how they want to proceed with the treatment. We’ll know more after that.”

“Do you have to stay in the hospital while you’re getting the treatment?”

“Yes, at least initially.”

“Can I stay with you?”

“In the hospital?” Emily made a face. “Ali, the chairs and cots there are _so_ uncomfortable…”

“I don’t care.”

Of course she didn’t. Emily caressed her cheek.

“The hotel isn’t that far…”

“I want to be with you.” She knew how much Emily despised being in a hospital bed. She wasn’t going to leave her to face that alone, no matter how insistent she was that she was okay.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be there. Depending on how my body responds to the treatment they may let me do something on an outpatient basis as long as I’m compliant with my doctor’s orders. I’ve done that in the past.”

“What happens then?”

Emily took Alison’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“I don’t know.” Emily waited for Alison to reply. When she didn’t respond, Emily traced the tip of her thumb against Alison’s and added, “If you want to run away screaming I understand.”

“It’s going to take a whole hell of a lot more than this to scare me away. I’m with you.”

“You need help packing your bags?” Emily asked.

“I was packed the second I heard you were going to Baltimore.” Alison ran her fingers through Emily’s hair.

“Of course you were.” Emily smiled. Her smile faded. “Sorry we’re not packing for Paris instead.”

“I can exchange the tickets for another time.” Alison assured her. “There’s always next summer.”

That made Emily feel like crying. Every time she thought about the future with Alison it reminded her of everything they stood to lose. She bit her lip.

“Hey…” She felt Alison’s hand against her cheek. “I’m not going to give up on you. I don’t care about statistics. I know you have it in you to get through this.”

Emily smiled warmly at her. Somewhere along the line Alison had started to believe in hope. And despite her knowing that hope was painful, she still wanted to hold on to it.

They spent the rest of their afternoon quietly relaxing with one another. They were at a point in their relationship where the comfortable silence just made them feel closer to each other.

They got physically closer, too. A simple kiss turned into a passionate make-out session with Emily firmly pressed against Alison’s body, their motions like a freely flowing river. Her lips were kind and delicate, but dedicated and determined.

She took her time in exploring Alison’s body with her hands as Alison held her tightly in place, both of them gripping the other in a sense of both comfort and love. They spoke without speaking.

Emily was effortless in her motions, and Alison was lost in her touch. It hadn’t taken much for Alison to reach a point where she was seeing stars. Emily knew all the right places to kiss, to tickle, to touch. She had no idea how much Emily’s head was throbbing, but the brunette didn’t want to stop. So she didn’t tell her.

Their encounter left them both breathless for different reasons. Alison could feel her heart beating hard, so hard that she could hear the blood rushing through her head. She clutched Emily and buried her head against her sweaty collar bone. They clung to one another, holding on to the moment by physically holding each other. Emily placed a soft kiss against Alison’s bruised lips and they both slowly pulled away.

When the moment was over, neither one of them said anything. They simply quietly cuddled, their fingers naturally finding one another. They spent the rest of their day talking, opening up about anything and everything.

Later that evening they called in a dinner delivery. Their friends were coming over to have pizza to celebrate the end of their senior year. Alison could tell that Emily was nervous about telling them. Emily took Ace outside to get some fresh air. Alison watched her through her kitchen window. It always amazed her to see Emily walking around with Ace so effortlessly. She trusted him implicitly. Dogs were truly incredible creatures.

Their friends arrived around the same time as their dinner. Emily had second thoughts about saying anything when she heard the house full of joy. But she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. She couldn’t leave tomorrow without laying everything out on the table.

Alison could sense her hesitation. She gripped her hand to remind her that she wasn’t alone. It was a reminder to Emily that half the people at the table already knew the truth. Hanna and Toby had kept it from Caleb and Spencer. And Aria and Ezra didn’t know either.

All of them could sense that something was wrong. They weren’t expecting the bombshell that Emily dropped on them.

It hit Aria the hardest. Her anxiety was palpable. She squeaked out a quiet cry and firmly grasped Ezra’s hand under the table and squeezed it so hard that he lost feeling in his fingers. The bookworm word-connoisseur was speechless, without the book of words stored in her brain. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

In a stunning turn of events, it was Caleb who broke the silence by reaching across the table and putting his hand on top of Emily’s.

“Hey, with you throwing the punches, you’re going to kick this thing in the ass,” he said.

“Yeah.” Spencer cut in, her voice a bit shaky. Alison shot a sad look in her cousin’s direction. Spencer _never_ got emotional. But she could hear it in her tone. “Knowing what I know, everything you’ve faced off with this past year…we know you can throwdown like no other.”

Aria was unusually quiet. It was awkward at first.

“Aria, are you okay?” Emily asked in uncertainty.

“I am trying to figure out whether I should hug you or slap you.” Aria had a look of confusion on her face.

“Hey, that’s supposed to be my line.” Hanna frowned.

There was a round of quiet laughter at the table, something they all sorely needed. Slowly, the familiar sense of comfort they gathered from one another started to encompass the room again. They gently asked questions about it, which Emily was ready for. They offered a strong solidarity of support, which Emily knew they would. And they treated her exactly like she wanted to be treated: normal.

“You know, Em, if you were going for a _last supper_ thing you really should have sprung for wings,” Toby said.

“Darn, I knew I was forgetting something.” Emily chuckled. “I’ll get you next time.”

Emily appreciated their efforts, though she knew that they were going to go home and weep over it. And she didn’t want them to feel alone in that. Hanna had been her rock through it all, and they’d leaned on each other a lot, but she’d had conversations with Ashley about making sure Hanna didn’t bottle everything up. Hanna leaned on her mother quite often. There had been times when Emily felt guilty that Caleb didn’t know, thinking that Hanna might need him, but at the same time…Caleb was always there for her without question.

She knew that Aria was breaking inside, and that the moment they were out of sight she would break down in Ezra’s arms. And she knew that Spencer wouldn’t be able to comprehend it at first, and that she’d start doing all kinds of research on it, which would only make things worse. Emily had asked Toby to keep an eye on Spencer, because despite the fact that she was the most put together of their group…Emily knew there was an instability she had that would surface when she was really rocked about something.

When dinner was winding down and the uplifting tone they’d set was starting to fade Emily felt the weight on her shoulders starting to return. Over the years she’d learned that it wasn’t just the person who was sick who suffered. She needed the people in her life to know that it was okay to come to her.

“Look, I know this doesn’t just affect me.” Emily cleared her throat. “Just because I have cancer doesn’t mean you guys can’t talk to me if you need me. About anything. We’ve all been through _a lot_ this year. And I’m still here for you all. No matter what. You guys are my family.”

“Some of us literally.” Toby interjected, putting his hand on top of Emily’s.

She smiled appreciatively at the motion. Toby had always had her back in everything they’d done, ever since childhood. And quite a few times it had ended up being the other way around. Emily _never_ let anyone give Toby any shit. One time a three-year-old bully had pushed him from the top of the slide and Toby had hurt his arm. Emily had tackled the boy and they’d both flopped down to the bottom of the slide, and she didn’t stop throwing punches there. She’d been a very sweet little girl, but when someone came after the people she loved she wasn’t afraid to make them bleed. She was her father’s daughter that way.

As the night wore on, Alison watched her girlfriend with deep affection and appreciation. How Emily managed to keep it together was a mystery. But it made Alison feel stronger. Though she still had her reservations. And looking around the table at her friends, she knew they had fears of their own. But Emily was putting them at ease. She was so good at being a calming influence. Alison tried to follow her lead, tried to be cool and collected, but she felt antsy.

After a while she started to feel overheated, trapped. She tugged at her shirt collar and took a shaky breath. She needed to get out. She needed to get some air. She glanced at the messy kitchen and was struck by an idea.

She jumped to her feet and started talking about needing to clean the kitchen before her parents got home, which was a huge red flag in itself. Because she didn’t care what her parents came home to.

No one stopped her. They all knew it was a part of her process. It wasn’t easy for them to watch. They could see her starting to crumble, and none of them were used to the unwavering Alison DiLaurentis wavering. When she went to take the trash out Emily wanted to go after her, but as she was reaching for her cane she felt a hand gently stopping her.

“I’ve got it,” Spencer said quietly, trying not to draw attention to their quiet conversation. Everyone else was talking about finals and graduation.

Emily nodded and moved her hand away from her cane. Spencer walked outside. She didn’t see Alison anywhere on the porch. She walked down the stairs and to the side of the house where Alison’s family kept their garbage cans. She found Alison standing by them staring off into space. It was clear she’d been losing sleep. Spencer was worried about her.

“Hey.” Spencer walked up next to her.

Alison jumped at the sound of her voice. Her thoughts were miles away.

“Jesus, don’t you know better than to sneak up on people in the dark?” Alison frowned.

“Don’t you know better than to disappear into an empty alley in the middle of the night?”

“It’s my front yard. And it’s only 11.” Alison quipped back.

“Well, your bitchy-button still works.” Spencer shrugged.

“What do you want, Spencer?” Alison wrapped her arms around the front of her chest.

“You know, just because our parents don’t give a shit about us most of the time doesn’t mean our entire family is complete shit. I’m checking in on you. Because I care about you, you dumbass.”

Alison dropped her hands and sighed.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit on the defensive side lately.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Spencer laughed. “My mom said you ripped into some reporters at the police station this morning.”

“They have been all over her since this started.” Alison glanced in the house. “She’s got enough going on without someone trying to shove a microphone and a camera in her face every ten seconds. It pisses me off. They have freedom of the press, but I have freedom of fucking speech and I intend to use every colorful word that exists to tell them exactly what I think of them.”

“I get it.” Spencer nodded. “Trust me, I do. I’ve had a few choice words with the media myself.”

“Do you think it was this bad for her, Toby, and Jenna after the Fourth of July?” Alison questioned.

“I think the fanfare died down pretty quickly then. This won’t be any different.” Spencer assured her. She glanced at her cousin. “Toby told me you told him the truth about what happened that night.”

“I didn’t blind her…”

“I know that now. I’m sorry if I made you feel…”

“I didn’t blind her, _but_ ,” she added, “I still hurt her. And I could have killed the three of them that night.” She sighed and looked in the window. “You know she didn’t even get mad at me when I told her?”

“I imagine she has more on her mind than the past.”

Alison got irritated hearing that, because it seemed like everyone around her had a better grasp on the situation than she did. And that made her mad. Because she didn’t like not being in control.

“She doesn’t deserve this,” Alison said quietly under her breath. “When I met her at the pool when we were little I could see…I could tell she was something special.”

“I remember. You wanted to marry her. If I recall correctly I gave you a diving ring and told you to propose.” Spencer nodded.

“I still want to,” Alison uttered. “I want everything with her. A life, a home, kids. I want it all. I never wanted that before I met her. But…she’s the one,” she said with certainty. “She’s the person I see spending the rest of my life with. I just…I don’t know how long that will be.”

Spencer pursed her lips together, carefully considering her thoughts.

“How are you holding up?” Spencer asked.

“Uh…” Alison frowned. “I…” She stopped to consider the question. “I don’t know.” Her face tightened. “Pissed off. Confused.” She paused. “Scared. But mostly pissed. Not at her anymore. I mean, I was…maybe I still am a little. But it’s just…it’s not her fault that she has this. So now I’m just pissed at the cancer. That probably sounds stupid.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all.” Spencer put her hand against Alison’s arm.

Alison silently stared at her cousin.

“Did you have any idea?”

Spencer exhaled heavily.

“Not a clue. She kept it pretty well hidden. Though I did get this feeling on the cruise…” She drifted off in thought. She remembered the way she’d seen Toby look at Emily when she’d gotten out of the pool one day. It was a look that had radiated deep concern. “But I shook it off, because I really thought she was seasick. I saw at least a dozen people puking the first day alone.” She sighed. “Maybe I didn’t want to see it.”

“Toby really didn’t let on?”

“You know…” Spencer thought about it, “…there were times I could see that he was…distant, kind of lost in thought. He had this deep sadness in his eyes. But I didn’t know he was shouldering a burden like _this._ ”

“Hey, she’s not a burden.” Alison snapped back defensively.

“That’s not at all what I meant.” Spencer quickly backed down. “I just meant that holding on to something like this must be incredibly exhausting.” Spencer looked through the window at their friends sitting at the table, smiling like nothing was wrong. And Emily was leading the conversation. “How is she?” Spencer kept her eyes on Emily. “ _Really_?”

“The strongest person I know.” Alison didn’t hesitate. Her face tightened. “I don’t know how she’s upright and walking. She _never_ talks about how bad it is. If she hadn’t told me I still wouldn’t even suspect it. I’m _that_ blinded by everything good she is in my life.”

“That’s good. Good attitudes go a long way in these situations.”

“But?” Alison looked at her skeptically. There was always a ‘but’ with Spencer.

“There’s no _but_. I want the same thing you want, Ali.”

“You better not be in love with my girl…”

They both chuckled.

“Come on, everyone is a _little_ in love with her.” Spencer laughed softly. She shook her head with a smile. “But no, that’s not what I meant.” Her tone softened. “I want to see everything you envision with her. I want to be front and center at your wedding.”

“Of course you want to make it all about you at _my_ wedding.” Alison shoved her playfully. “Listen, you can hog the field, cous, but when it comes to my wedding you’re going to be in the most _hideous_ dress I can find to make me look better.”

“I’ll take one for the team.” Spencer smiled, relenting. She motioned towards the house. “We should get back inside. Emily is worried about you.”

“Of course she is.” Alison rolled her eyes.

They walked towards the front door.

“You’ve got a keeper.” Spencer walked up the front steps.

“Yeah.” Alison opened the door. “So do you, by the way. Toby is not so bad.”

Spencer stared at her in shock.

“Are you drunk?”

Alison laughed and pushed her. They walked back inside and sat down next to their respective partners at the table. Emily reached out and took Alison’s hand without a word. Alison could tell she was getting weary, though Emily didn’t say anything.

Emily waited until everyone started to clean up their plates and then she slipped outside for a few moments of quiet reflection. Not long after she’d retreated to the porch swing she heard the front door open.

“Em?” It was Aria’s voice. “Did you want to be alone? I…I don’t want to intrude.”

Emily pat the empty spot on the porch swing next to her and Aria walked over and sat down beside her.

“So…Baltimore, huh?”

“We leave in the morning.” Emily nodded.

“I’ve always kinda wanted to see the city that brought _Hairspray_ to life.” Aria smiled timidly.

“Please don’t run around the city singing showtunes. You’re liable to get shot.”

“Sooo…I _shouldn’t_ tease my hair up, put on a poodle skirt, and climb on top of a garbage truck while belting out “Good Morning Baltimore”?”

“I would not advise it. No.”

They both laughed. Emily adored Aria. She was such a quirky little thing. And she was genuinely kind, which wasn’t always easy to find. She’d been a wonderful friend.

There was a quiet moment and then Aria sighed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aria held her hand.

Emily thought about everything she’d been through with her friends. Aria had always been extremely sensitive. Most artists were. And that’s who Aria was at her core. She was a creator, someone who loved the world so much that she wanted to add to it and make it better. Part of the reason Emily hadn’t told her is because she knew it would devastate her.

“Never mind, you don’t have to answer that. That was…it was your choice. And I…I understand…” Aria stuttered nervously.

The passive nature of her response warmed Emily’s heart. She’d always known that Aria would support her no matter what. That’s just who she was.

“It had nothing to do with you, Aria. I just wasn’t in a place where I wanted to talk about it. I did want to tell you, but I… _couldn’t_.”

“I get it. You were trying to protect me.”

“It’s not that I didn’t think that you and Ezra couldn’t handle it. In fact, I had a feeling he’d fill his course-load with scientific and medically-based classes so he could accumulate research on these kinds of tumors and dive into medical studies and try to learn how to treat them.” Emily admitted. “I felt strongly about you two having a life that you deserve...free and happy from worry, a life where you don’t get scared every time your phone rings with information from a medical director about a research study or a report you two are working on or worrying about me and what it means for me. I don’t want to be a point of stress for my loved ones.”

“We’re always going to worry about you, Em. You’re family.” Aria’s face tightened in thought. “You know, the night Hanna called me about your overdose…when I found out about Maya dying and Hanna told me that you were in the hospital I felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped out. I was so afraid you wouldn’t come back from it. I hear horror stories about ODs all the time. I had no idea how close you were to actually…” She got choked up. “I’m sorry…I’m trying not to cry…”

“Hey, you can cry. It’s okay to cry.” Emily assured her. “Believe me, I’ve done my fair share of it.”

“I don’t want you to die, Emily.” She gently wept.

Emily pulled the smaller girl into her arms and hugged her. She knew that Aria was going to have a difficult time with it. She let her get it out. After a few minutes, Aria was able to pull herself together.

“God, I’m a total mess.” She laughed at herself. “I got mascara on your shirt.”

“Doesn’t bother me. I can’t see it.” Emily shrugged.

Aria laughed through her sniffles.

“I can’t believe Hanna and her big mouth knew all this time. That girl couldn’t keep a secret if her life depended on it.” Aria wiped her face.

“I threatened her with imminent death if she blabbed.” Emily smiled.

“Like Hanna Marin is afraid of death threats?”

“They are if the imminent death threats are against me.” Emily explained.

It was so dark that Aria had to laugh. Emily’s sense of humor had gotten her through this far in life. Aria wasn’t about to question it. She gripped Emily’s hand again.

“I’m going to call you every day. I’m going to annoy the hell out of you. And I’m going to visit all the time.”

“Deal.” Emily nodded. “But no musical numbers.”

“I can’t promise anything.”

“You’re worse than my parents.” Emily rolled her eyes with a laugh.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes.

“Do you really have a poodle skirt?” Emily asked.

“Does anything in my wardrobe surprise you?”

“Touché.”

They spent another twenty minutes talking, then they went back in to rejoin their friends.

The rest of the evening went by without any more tears being shed. When their friends left, Emily and Alison settled on the couch for a while.

“How is Aria holding up?” Alison questioned, setting her phone down on the coffee table.

“She fell apart a little bit. But I think she’s going to be okay,” Emily said. “What about Spencer?”

“She’s already googling worst case scenarios. I told her not to.” Alison replied. “Did the guys say anything to you?”

“Ezra hugged me a little longer than normal when they left. And he told me to call him if I need anything. Caleb was…a little withdrawn. That’s normal for him though. He internalizes. But Toby has his back. They’ll sneak a few beers and Toby will get him to open up.” Emily had been watching them do that for years. It was a total ‘guy’ way to go about talking about their feelings, but it always worked. “How are you?”

“Tired. You?”

“Same.” Emily yawned. “We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us tomorrow…”

“Want to stay the night?” Alison asked.

“I’d love to, but my parents are expecting me home tonight. We usually have a discussion before a trip like this. Plus, I need to get Ace home and feed him. He’s probably already pissed at me for being late with his dinner.”

Alison glanced at the snoring dog on the floor. He hadn’t even noticed he’d missed his dinner.

“But my curfew isn’t until 12:30,” Emily added.

Alison looked at the clock. It was 11:55.

“My parents are at a Gala in New York. They’ll probably be home really late. Or not at all.”

“Hmm, so we have some time to kill?” Emily asked.

“Yeah, and I know exactly what I want to do.” Alison grabbed her phone. She opened an app and connected the Bluetooth to her stereo system.

Emily felt the couch move and seconds later a slow tune started wafting through the air. She felt Alison take her hand and urge her to stand.

“Dance with me, Emily Fields.”

She just wanted to hold her. She just wanted her near. They stepped away from the couch. Ace lifted his head curiously as he watched their movements. Emily pulled Alison close as the song started. She recognized the tune.

“Clapton, huh?” Emily was surprised. Her dad was a huge Eric Clapton fan, and she’d watched her parents dance around to _Wonderful Tonight_ when she was a little girl.

“Jason used to listen to him all the time when he was high. Can’t deny the guy has talent.”

“Jason or Eric Clapton?”

Alison chuckled as she grasped at the back of Emily’s neck to pull her forehead down to meet her own. She put her other hand against Emily’s neck.

_“And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight”.”_

Emily held Alison’s hips as they swayed around the living room. Alison’s hand slipped away from Emily’s neck down to her chest. Emily moved one of her arms up against Alison’s and cupped her hand. She wrapped her other arm around the small of Alison’s back to pull her closer.

_“I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes. And the wonder of it all…is that you just don’t realize how much I love you…”_

Alison smiled and leaned against Emily’s shoulder, moving to wrap her arms tightly around her girlfriend. She moved her arm up, pressing her palm against Emily’s shoulder. She rested her chin on her shoulder, her temple pressing against Emily’s cheek.

They got lost in the motions, only slightly aware when the song shuffled to a Billie Holiday song.

_“I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places…that this heart of mine embraces…”_

“Em?” Alison moved her lips softly against Emily’s earlobe, whispering, though her voice cut through the music.

“Yeah?”

“We’re going to be okay, right?”

Emily took a thoughtful breath, still moving with the slow beat of the song.

_“I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day.”_

She slowed their motions and pushed her forehead against Alison’s again, their noses brushing briefly before she moved down to kiss her. She pulled back and took a thoughtful breath.

“I promise that as long as I have air in my lungs I’ll fight for you.”

They kissed again, their feet still slowly moving with the beat.

_“I’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”_

They pushed closer as the song slowed at the end. Both of them were lost in the music, lost in each other. They spent another ten minutes dancing, Alison following her girl’s lead. They ended their evening laying out under the stars in Alison’s backyard talking about childhood dreams.

When Emily got home that night she was exhausted, but in a good way. Even though she was feeling crappy, she felt all that much better knowing that Alison was going to be by her side. She wanted more than anything for their love to be enough.


	28. Show and Tell

* * *

**Chapter 28:**

**Show and Tell**

When Alison went by to pick Emily up in the morning she was a completely different person. She was peppy and trying to smile, because she wanted to go into her appointment as positive as possible. She knew from experience that attitude was everything. It helped that Alison was going with her, and that she was going to see her favorite kid in the world.

“Where’s Ace?” Alison was surprised to see her sitting on the front porch sans her dog.

Emily reached for her overnight bag. Her parents were bringing the rest of her things down later.

“The little devil gets to sleep in today.” Emily stood up to greet her. “He’s coming with my parents later.”

Alison knew Emily’s dog well enough to know that he certainly wasn’t sleeping in. He was moping behind the door because he wasn’t with Emily.

“Did you get any rest last night?” Alison took Emily’s bag from her.

“Kind of.” Emily nodded. “I’m always antsy before going back to the hospital. I toss and turn.”

“Babe, you could have called me.” She had been checking her phone almost every 20 minutes because she was having trouble sleeping, too.

“I didn’t want to wake you up.” Emily felt her way down the stairs. “Besides, it wasn’t that bad.” Her cane tapped against the steps.

Alison watched nervously. She couldn’t help but worry about her when it came to stairs. She’d had too many nightmares where she’d missed a step and careened to her death. It made her feel like an overprotective asshole hovering near her in case that happened. It made her feel like she didn’t think Emily was capable of doing it herself. She often wondered if Emily picked up on it. If she did, she never said anything.

“I take it when you say it _wasn’t that bad_ you mean that it was worse than you’d ever admit.” Alison gave her a hard time.

“Fair enough. I deserve that.” She didn’t fight Alison’s scrutiny. “It’s usually really emotionally taxing. But this time it’s different.” She smiled. “This time I know I have you.”

“Stop being nice to me when I’m trying to scold you.” Alison helped her down the last step.

“Stop trying to scold me when I’m being nice to you.” Emily grinned.

Alison grumbled and glared at Emily. She had no retort. She sighed. She was so impossibly whipped.

“This is going to be a long car ride.” Alison shook her head with a laugh.

They climbed into the car and Alison started the engine. A few minutes later they were on their way to Maryland. There was a silent tension in the car. Emily knew she had to lighten the mood.

“Are we there yet?” She pried like a toddler.

Her icebreaker worked. She heard Alison laugh from beside her and they both felt a little more at ease. Alison stole a quick glance at her. Her smile was still a ray of light that drew her in like a moth to a flame.

“I bet you were a pro at playing the ‘are we there yet?’ game with your parents when you were younger,” Alison said.

“You have no idea. I’m a champion of car games.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You up for a round of ‘I Spy’?”

“ _Really_ , Emily?” Alison snorted with a laugh.

“I spy with my blind eyes...”

Alison rolled her eyes.

_This cheeky little shit…_

The ride up wasn’t as long and strenuous as Alison thought it was going to be. She knew that Emily was tired, but she managed not only to keep her own spirits up, but Alison’s as well.

For the first time in a long time, walking through the hospital doors didn’t give Emily terrible anxiety. She was leading Alison towards the oncology department when she heard a familiar voice.

“Emily Fields, back so soon?”

Alison turned and saw a young man in scrubs walking towards them. She recognized him from the photo she’d seen in Emily’s room at Christmas.

“Nate.” Emily smiled. “I thought you were off today.”

“Nah, I heard you were coming in for a few tests and I figured since I’m the best teacher in this place I’d be the most qualified.” He walked over to Emily. “Don’t tell the other doctors. They’ll get jealous.”

They leaned in for a hug. Normally, Alison hated it when other people touched Emily. It brought out the same instinct that a wolf might have to protect its mate. But she could sense the love between them, and she could sense that Nate held her in the same place in his heart where he held his sister.

“Alison, this is Dr. Nate St. Germain.” Emily felt around until her palm landed against Alison’s arm. “Nate, this is Alison. My girlfriend.”

Alison smiled at Nate. The picture of him didn’t do him justice. In the photo she’d only been able to see half of his face, because he’d been turned to the side and his face had been partially occluded by the shadows of the building, which she now realized was taken right outside of the hospital.

From the photo she had assumed he was young. In person he looked young, but his facial features were more distinguished. He had a five o’clock shadow, a little bit of fuzz on his chin. His eyes were soft and vibrant, but also aged in a way that only someone who dealt with death on a daily basis would have. He was tall and very handsome, and he looked exactly like his sister.

“You didn’t tell me you were dating a model.” Nate playfully tapped Emily’s shoulder.

“Oh, I really like him.” Alison grinned.

“So, you’re the girl who finally tamed this wild child?” Nate smiled back at her.

“It was actually the other way around,” Alison admitted.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Alison.” Nate extended his hand.

“You too, Dr. St. Germain.” Alison replied, her palm cupping his. He had a firm handshake.

“Please…call me Nate.”

“Nate.” She let go of his hand. “Thank you for taking care of my girl.”

“My sister would come back and haunt me if I didn’t,” he said. He faced Emily. “So, Emily, are your parents here, too?”

“They’re on their way. They were behind us and they got caught in some traffic.” Emily nodded. “And Toby is around somewhere, too. He had an interview this morning for an internship about half an hour away.”

“Yeah, he’s here actually. I ran into him in the cafeteria. Said he wanted to stop in and see Lily.”

Seconds later Alison saw a tiny head peeking out of a door down the hallway. She saw Emily and her entire face lit up.

“Emmy, Emmy!” The little girl exclaimed.

She popped out of the room, followed by a young man in scrubs chasing after her. He slowed his pace when he saw Emily and he realized that’s where the toddler was going.

“Hello, Emily.” The man called, a buttery English accent echoing in the halls.

“Hey, Wren.” Emily recognized his voice.

It threw Alison for a loop that everyone knew her. But of course they would know her. She’d spent almost two years in the hospital with them.

“I’m going to get you checked in, Em,” Nate said, smiling at Lily. “You behave, little lady.”

The toddler grinned at him. He’d been treating her since she was a baby. He’d seen her grow so much in the past three years, and she’d never once given up. Nothing could dull her shine.

“I’ll let you know when we’re ready.” Nate gently touched Emily’s shoulder.

“Thanks. Sounds good.” Emily nodded.

Alison watched their interaction curiously. Emily was usually jumpy when it came to people touching her, especially doctors. She wasn’t as tense around Nate, though there was still a stiffness in her stance. It seemed to be more nerves from being in the hospital than it was a personal boundary issue. She seemed comfortable with him. But she seemed insanely uncomfortable in the setting. Alison didn’t blame her. She hated hospitals, too.

Nate waved politely to Alison as he walked off.

“Emmy.” Lily giggled and wrapped her arms around Emily’s legs.

Lily was sporting a scarf on her head and wearing thick leggings and booties over her feet. She had on a white and pink top. She had a hospital bracelet that was almost too big for her wrist and tubes taped up on her arm.

“This little tiger is Lily.” Emily leaned down to pick her up. Lily wrapped her arms around Emily’s neck like she always did. “She’s a secret superhero battling the mean old Leukemia monster.” She rubbed her nose against Lily’s cheek, making the toddler explode into giggles. “Lily, this is Alison.” Emily introduced her.

Lily smiled shyly at Alison and laid her head against Emily’s shoulder. She put her thumb in her mouth. Emily could feel Lily turning her cheek away bashfully.

“Don’t you put on that shy-girl act.” Emily reached up and tickled her ribs. Lily giggled. “Say hello.”

“Hi. I’m Lily. I like your name. You’re my Emmy’s friend?”

“We’re…I’m her…” She stopped and then waited for a sign from Emily that it was okay to tell her the truth. Emily nodded when she sensed Alison’s hesitation. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Lily gasped with a smile.

“Her princess.” Lily whispered under her breath.

She hadn’t forgotten the story that Emily had told her about her fair maiden who was really a princess and how the two of them slayed dragons together.

“Princess?” Alison exclaimed enthusiastically, much to Lily’s delight.

“Is she the princess from your story, Emmy?” Lily pat her cheek.

Emily laughed and nodded. Alison’s face flushed, her cheeks bright red. Emily told _stories_ about her? That made her feel like the most important person in the world. She’d felt coveted before, but never quite like this. Because it _meant_ something that Emily cherished her.

“Of course. There’s never been anyone like her.” Emily smiled, a smile for Alison and Alison only.

Emily had never looked more attractive to Alison than she did at that very moment. She could see her heart. Her soul was like nothing Alison had ever known.

“You look like a princess.” Lily smiled at Alison.

Alison decided right then that she loved Lily. She knew why Emily loved her and she loved her, too.

“Are you a princess, too?” Alison asked.

“No. I have supa-powers.” Lily shook her head.

“You _do_?”

“Mmhmm. Emmy taught me how to be a hero.”

 _That is the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever heard._ Alison thought to herself.

Lily started squirming in Emily’s arms, so Emily put her down. Lily immediately walked over to Alison and took her hand, her tiny fingers latching on to Alison’s index and middle finger. Alison felt something warm coursing through her veins. This child had her by the heart already.

“Do you like tater tots?” Lily asked. “I get to have tater tots sometimes when I’m really good and take my medicine like a good girl. You can have some of mine if you want. We share here. We like to share.”

“I’d like that.” Alison smiled at her.

Lily smiled back at her…the most precious little grin that Alison had ever seen. She’d never been a “kid” person, but this one had something about her that spoke to her.

They heard shuffling coming up behind them. Alison turned around to find Toby walking towards them. She wasn’t surprised to see him. She didn’t doubt that he really had come to see Lily, but she also knew that he wanted to be there for Emily, too.

“You guys started the party without me?” Toby asked.

“TOOOOE-BEEEE!” Lily exclaimed in excitement. She ran towards him.

“Munchkin!” He exclaimed.

“She _loves_ Toby.” Emily laughed.

“Hey, squirt.” Toby leaned down to pick her up. He faked a grunt. “Man, what have they been feeding you? You’re so big I can barely pick you up anymore!”

Lily giggled and hugged his neck. Alison felt tears pooling in her eyes, though she wasn’t sure why.

“Seriously, you been working out? Let me see those muscles.” Toby carried her back towards her room. He waved to Alison and said a quick hello to Emily as he walked past them.

They heard Lily “rawr” and saw her flex like a wrestler would before a big weight-lifting championship.

“What a sweet kid.” Alison took Emily’s hand. “No wonder you love her.”

“Yeah, she’s tough,” Emily said with a sad smile. “She hasn’t had it easy. Her parents died in a wreck when she was three months old. Her infant seat was thrown from the wreckage, which ended up saving her life…” She thought about it. “In more than one way. It was insane that she survived. Her parents were killed on impact.”

“Oh my God. That’s horrible.”

“Yeah. The car went up in flames. She never would have made it if she’d been in the car with them. The first responders found her car seat a few hundred feet away from the wreckage. She was screaming her head off, but she wasn’t hurt. Then…when she got to the hospital and was being examined they found abnormalities in her bloodwork, which is how they discovered the Leukemia.”

Emily and Maya had marveled at her survival. They’d been convinced that as terrible as it was for Lily to have gone through that trauma, the fact that it happened the way it did had saved her life. It was like the universe was screaming that the baby was supposed to live. The fact that she’d survived that car wreck had been some kind of wild divine intervention.

“She’s been here since then?” Alison asked in surprise. “ _Alone_? Does she have any family or…”

Emily shook her head.

“Just us. Here. Her hospital family. But she’s anything but alone. She’s never known anything else. Her parents were in the process of moving to town the night of the wreck. They didn’t have much. What they did have was destroyed in the fire. The only thing the cops could find on them is that they were an older couple and both were only children.”

“So…no living relatives then?”

“No. No one ever came forward about her. Not much was known about her. _Baby Doe_.” Emily remembered what they’d initially called her before they had settled on the name Lily. “She’s in the system, but since she’s still getting treatment she spends all her time here.” Emily smiled. “Everyone loves her.”

“I can see why.” Alison ran her palm up against Emily’s arm. “She reminds me of you.”

“She’s more like Maya. She’s a little free spirit.” She bit her lip. “I wish she could see her now.”

She felt Alison curl her fingers against the top of her hand and laced them into hers. Alison put her other palm on top of their joined hands.

“What does Lily know about her past…her parents?” Alison asked.

“She understands they aren’t around, but that she was loved. I mean, I guess we assume they loved her. No one really knows. Every piece of her history was torched in that car. They found a couple of little rattles and a teddy bear that had been thrown from the car. The rattles were confiscated when she threw one at Nate and gave him a black eye.” She laughed. An infant had kicked his ass. It was a little funny. “They still have them for her in case she wants them when she gets older. And she still has the teddy. Calls it Bobo.”

“Bobo?”

“Yeah, she woke up one day and said she had a dream her mommy called it Bobo. So she started calling it Bobo.”

“You think she remembers them?”

“She was only three months old when it happened.” Emily shrugged in uncertainty. “Nate seems to think that it’s all the stories I’ve told her over the years. I used to make up these fairytales about her family. I never missed a chance to give her a bedtime story. Even after I was released. I’d call to video chat with her and make up all kinds of stories…just to hear her laugh.” Emily sighed with a soft smile on her face.

Alison saw something in Emily light up when she talked about Lily. It was no secret that she loved children. And she was very good with them, too. Alison thought about how kind she’d been on the cruise to that little boy who had shot them with his water pistol.

_“I’ve always liked kids. There is something so innocent about seeing the world through their eyes.”_

Alison understood that now. It had taken all of two minutes for her to fall in love with a kid she didn’t even know. She could see the passion and the enthusiasm that Lily had. And there really was something special about the way a child looked at the world. The little things still mattered to them. They were amazed by things as simple as bubbles and balloons. They were constantly surprised and excited by life. They still saw the good in the world. They _were_ the good in the world.

She smiled picturing Emily telling stories to the little girl. She couldn’t help but think about what a wonderful mother she’d be. She felt a crushing pain in her chest and a tightening sensation in her throat. Would she ever see a long enough future where that was a possibility?

“She obviously loves you,” Alison said, a prideful expression on her face, because _duh_ , who wouldn’t love her?

“She loves everyone. Never meets a stranger. She’s such a bubbly kid.”

“Emily?” Nate called her over towards the desk.

Alison felt Emily’s hand tighten around hers.

“Looks like I’m up.” She took a shaky breath.

“Hey, you’ve got this. It’s just a little blood draw and some tests, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You faced down a psychopath with a gun. A needle is nothing compared to that…”

“It’s not the needles that scare me.”

Alison wasn’t sure what to say to that, because how could she tell her not to be afraid of cancer? She walked silently by her side. They took Emily back to get her blood drawn. Emily handled it like a pro. She didn’t even flinch when the nurse stabbed her with the needle. In fact, she started humming _“You’re so vain”_.

“You’re still my favorite kind of _vein_ , Emily,” the nurse said with a quiet laugh.

“Nice stick.” Emily was impressed. Sometimes the nurses had trouble drawing blood from her. “I didn’t even feel it.”

“That’s because we’re both pros here.” The nurse gently pulled the needle back and placed a small cotton dressing on the site where the blood was drawn. She put a piece of surgical tape over it to hold it in place.

“I’m glad the blood draw wasn’t… _in vein_.” Emily teased back. All that was missing was the dramatic music from the intro to _CSI: Miami_.

 _I am in love with a nerd._ Alison wasn’t sure whether to laugh or roll her eyes.

“I’m going to run these to the lab. Stay out of trouble.”

Alison was intrigued by the comment. Something about the way the nurse had said it implied that Emily had been a reckless little daredevil even when she was in the hospital.

“Thanks, Amy.”

Alison watched her walk out of the room. Emily scratched at the tape on her arm.

“So, what does this do?” Alison asked.

“It’ll give us a baseline before we start.” Emily explained. “Checks my red blood cell count, white blood cell count. Makes sure all my organs are functioning okay. They also look for markers and therapeutic levels of the treatments I’ve been on in the past. They’re working on a targeted therapy.”

“Babe, you’re going to have to speak in layman’s terms with me. I don’t know what any of that means.”

“It means we don’t worry about it right now. We just wait to see what the results are and go from there.” Emily grabbed her cane. “I have to go down to radiology, but I shouldn’t be too long. Why don’t you go see what Toby and Lily are up to?”

“I’m going with you…”

“Ali, they don’t even let the radiologists in the room with me. This one is all me. I’ll be okay.”

Alison begrudgingly watched her go. She paced around anxiously for a few minutes. Then she found her way back to Lily’s room.

She stopped in the doorway when she heard Toby talking to the little girl. She peered in and saw the two of them playing with Lily’s ponies. It was a sight to behold. The same hands that had once been beating Ben Coogan bloody were moving a prancing pony with one hand and running a tiny little pink brush through that pony’s mane with the other hand.

Lily was hooked up to a few different machines, but Toby didn’t seem to notice them. He was probably as used to hospitals as Emily.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling fierce and fabulous and ready for an adventure.” Toby moved his pony around next to Lily’s pony.

Alison lifted her brows in shock. Big scary Toby Cavanaugh was a secret softie. A big brooding male, but a closeted brony. Toby Cavanaugh played with ponies. It just didn’t compute.

“Yay! I love adventures! Where are we going, Star-wight?” She moved her pony in excitement.

“To the mooooon and back.” Toby made it seem like his pony was floating around Lily’s head. “Oh…oh no, Buttercup. We seem to have something strange out here in space. I have to get a little closer to see what it is…” He moved the pony closer to her face. “It’s tiny and cute.” He gasped. “I think I know what it is!”

“What?”

“A Lilien. Half Lily, half alien.”

He moved the pony up next to Lily’s cheek and then jokingly pressed the tip of the snout against her jaw. She tilted her head to the side and exploded into laughter. It was one of the sweetest things Alison had ever heard.

Alison leaned against the door frame and smiled. She took her phone out and snapped a covert picture. She sent it to Spencer with a message.

_“I just thought that you should know that your boyfriend is cheating on you with an incredibly charming younger woman. She’s cute. She’s funny. And she’s smart. You better watch out. She might just steal his heart.”_

Spencer answered after a couple of seconds.

_“I stand zero chance against her. I should bow out now. The better little lady has won.”_

_“I know I was skeptical of him at first, but if you don’t marry him I will disown you.”_

_“Who are you and what have you done with my cousin? Is it ransom you want? What’ll it take? Five bucks? Ten?”_

_“Is that all I’m worth to you?”_

Spencer just sent back three emojis that were laughing with tears in their eyes.

Alison smiled and put her phone up. She watched Toby and Lily play for another minute before she timidly walked in the room. Lily’s entire face lit up in excitement. Toby waved to her.

“I ‘member you. You’re Emmy’s princess.” Lily giggled.

 _Emmy’s princess._ Alison could get used to that.

“I am.” Alison walked over next to her bed. “And Emmy is off on a quest to…” She trailed off, trying to make up some epic story. _Quest_ was the right word, wasn’t it? She was going to have to get used to fairytales, “…um…Rrradiology-land, where all kinds of…science fiction-y…things happen…”

Toby turned his head and snorted. Alison shot him a glare warning him to be quiet. She was new to this. She suddenly had a violent flashback to being hurled on while she read _Hop on Pop_. She reached up to run her fingers through her hair. Sometimes she could still feel the chunks of mushy half-digested goldfish crackers lumped in her hair from that day.

“You’re funny,” Lily said.

 _Not intentionally_. Alison thought to herself.

“So, Alison…what science fiction-y things are happening in Radiology-land?” Toby gave her a hard time.

“Shut up.” Alison laughed.

“Oooh, that’s a bad word.” Lily grinned and brought her hand up to her mouth to try and stop herself from laughing.

Alison bathed in the innocence of childhood. Oh, how adorable it was that ‘shut up’ was considered a bad word. She just knew that she was going to slip up one day and have to explain what the word ‘fuck’ meant to her.

“Wanna play ponies Princess Awi-son?” She had a hard time saying her name, but she certainly tried.

“I would love to.” Alison sat down next to her bed.

Lily quickly offered her a pony to play with. Alison gladly took the toy. Months ago, if someone had told her that she’d be sitting in a hospital room playing with ponies with Toby Cavanaugh she would have called that person delusional. Now, it felt like the most natural thing to do.

“Her name is Princess Sparkle.” Lily looked up at Alison and beamed. “She’s a princess like you.”

“Ah.” Alison held the pony up. “Well, royalty definitely needs to stick together. Does she have a crown?”

“No!” Lily shook her head with a laugh. “She’s a pony! Ponies don’t wear crowns. You’re silly.”

“Yeah, duh, how could you not know that?” Toby tickled Lily while looking at Alison.

“My mistake.” Alison nodded with a sincere face.

“Emmy played ponies with me last time,” she said. She looked at Alison with a curiosity that only a child could have. “You love Emmy?”

“I do. Very much.” Alison’s cheeks turned pink. She saw Toby smile at her.

“I love her, too,” Lily stated in a matter-of-fact manner.

Alison smiled at the toddler and then she looked up at Toby. He nodded. They both tried to hide their worries from Lily. She was off in her own little world telling the story of her three ponies and directing Alison and Toby how to act it out.

Emily found them after a while. She walked in to join them, telling Alison and Toby that she was done for the day. Lily was slowly running out of steam, but she had enough stamina to beg Emily to tell her a story.

“Yes.” Alison agreed. “Dazzle us with these fictional princesses I hear so much about.”

“On that note, this pony has a show he has to get ready for.” Toby stood up. “Dinner is still at 7, right?”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded.

“Cool. Hanna is coming up, too.”

“I literally just saw her yesterday.”

“You didn’t expect her to miss your birthday dinner, did you? Has she _ever_?”

“Wouldn’t be a party without her flinging cake at me like an eight-year-old.”

“Aw, she was that enthusiastic about it when you were little?” Alison asked.

“That was last year.” Emily tried not to burst into laughter.

Hanna had literally chased her around the house until she’d caught her and smeared her nose with icing. It was a very strange tradition that they’d had since they were little.

“Lily, you be good.” Toby waved.

“K, Toby. Thank you for playing ponies with me.”

“Any time m’lady.” He did a playful bow and then waved at Alison. “See you two crazy kids later.”

“Hey, you can tell my parents I’m fine. I know they hired you to spy on me.”

“Nonsense.” Toby guffawed. “I volunteered.”

Emily could hear the grin on his face. He chuckled when he walked out into the hallway.

“It is time for my story now?” Lily asked hopefully.

“Actually, Lily, I need to talk to you about something really important.” Emily felt around for the edge of Lily’s bed.

Alison tensed up. Was she going to tell Lily about her cancer? How did you even begin to tell a sick kid that you were sick, too?

“But then can I have a story?” Lily begged.

“Maybe a short one.” Emily nodded. “But first I want to talk to you about why I’m here.”

For a while she’d fretted over whether or not to say anything to the little girl. She wasn’t sure if Lily would really comprehend the severity of the situation. She knew that Emily had been sick before, but she had never _seen_ her sick. She’d been an infant when Emily was completing her last treatment. And after she was released Emily came to visit her frequently and talked to her on the phone, so Lily had really only seen her at her best.

“I’m going to be seeing a lot more of you,” Emily said.

“Are you gonna adopt me and be my mommy?” Lily asked, her little eyes bright with hope.

That simultaneously warmed and broke Alison’s heart.

“Oh, I _wish_.” Emily smiled sweetly at her. “But you’re _very_ popular. There are _lots_ of people who love you and would love to have you…”

“But I want _you_.”

Emily had never quite understood why Lily had latched on to her the way that she did. But it was something she didn’t take for granted. They were kindred spirits.

“I know. You know I would if I could. But no matter what happens, you’re always going to be my number one.” She gently squeezed Lily’s cheek. She leaned over Lily’s bed and gently kissed her forehead.

Lily reached up and delicately touched her eyes, her little fingers like a wisp of wind against her face. She sighed.

“Emmy…are you here ‘cause of the reason I’m here?”

She wasn’t very old, but she’d grown up in the hospital, and she knew another cancer kid when she saw one. She was extremely insightful for a youngster. Alison had to take a step out of the room because she couldn’t keep her emotions in check. But she could still hear their soft conversation.

“Yes, Lil. I’m here because I feel yucky. But this is the _best_ place to be to make that better. You know that better than anyone.”

“When I don’t feel good Nate and Wren…” She had a hard time saying Wren’s name, so it came out sounding more like _when_ , “…kiss it and make it better.” She reached for Emily’s hand and placed a gentle peck on her knuckles. “Is it better?” She asked hopefully.

“A little.” Emily smiled.

“I’m sorry you’re sick.”

“It’s not all bad. At least you and I can have storytime _every_ night in real life.” Emily tried to look on the bright side.

Alison brought her hand up to her face and sank her teeth into her knuckles to fight back a sob. Why did people like Emily and Lily get the short end of the stick? Why couldn’t Ben Coogan have brain cancer?

“I like my stories.” Lily smiled. “So, they’re going to make you better like they’re making me better?”

“Our knights in shining armor.” Emily nodded. “And don’t forget, we have an extra princess now, too.”

“She’s a pretty princess.” Lily sighed.

 _I will fucking destroy anyone who ever dares to hurt this child._ Alison vowed in thought. _Fuck the Leukemia monster. Princess Alison is going to slay the shit out of it._

She was going to have to work on making her stories more G-rated.

“The prettiest princess in the land.” Emily gently tickled her side. She felt around and found the edge of Lily’s blanket. She pulled it up over her body.

“Do you love your princess?” Lily asked.

“I do.” Emily replied. “With all of my heart.”

Alison wiped away tears.

“Can you tell me a story about her?”

“Only if you promise me you’re going to take your nap like a good girl.”

“I promise.”

“Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived a beautiful princess with the blondest hair and the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen…”

“How blue?”

“As blue as the sky and the ocean _combined_.”

“Whoa…”

“I know!” Emily said in excitement. “Well, one day the princess was in a boat in the clearest water in the land. It was the safest place for royalty. But deep in the darkest depths of the water there was a _scary_ sea monster.” She deepened her voice for emphasis.

Lily gasped.

“Oh no!”

Emily walked her fingers up Lily’s side, like a creepy crawly.

“The sea monster came out of nowhere, surprising the princess. It tried to drag her under the water.”

“Then what happened?” Lily asked in anticipation. “Was she okay? Did she get away?”

“I’m getting there.” Emily cupped her cheek with a laugh. “Just when the princess thought she’d never be able to get out of the deep end another princess came along. And the two of them battled the sea monster together. The scary sea monster was no match for the two princesses when they teamed up. Once they slayed the big bad monster they made it to safety. Then the two princesses looked at one another, and…”

“And that’s when they fell in love?” Lily asked eagerly.

“That’s _exactly_ when they fell in love.”

Alison felt her heart swelling in her chest. Their first meeting at the pool. It was the most pure thing she’d ever heard. She wondered if Emily had lied awake at night when she was little dreaming this story up. Her face softened as she put her hands over her chest. She tried not to cry.

“What happened next?” Lily asked.

 _Yeah, what happened next?_ Alison thought to herself.

Emily went into a side story about how the princesses were separated for a while, but that they fought their way through the darkest caves and meanest monsters to find their way back together. Lily fell asleep before Emily could finish. The fact that Lily had stopped interrupting her every five seconds was a dead giveaway. She heard the soft pattern of her breathing. She ran her hand over the little girl’s forehead and told her to be a good girl. She promised to finish the story later. She heard Alison shuffling in the doorway.

“So, how does it end?” Alison whispered quietly, eager to hear more. “Do the princesses conquer the world and get married and live happily ever after?”

“Well…”

Lily squirmed in her bed and made a noise, interrupting Emily. Emily turned her attention back to the little girl. She was stirring uncomfortably in her sleep. Emily quietly shushed her and rubbed her belly in a circular motion while singing a soft nursery rhyme. She waited until the toddler was settled and then she carefully got to her feet.

Emily walked out of the room and directly into Alison’s open arms in the hallway. She was surprised by the hug, but gladly took it.

“What was that for?” Emily asked.

“For being you.” Alison trailed her fingers along Emily’s jaw. “You are so incredible with her.”

“She makes it easy. She’s a good kid.”

“She really doesn’t have anyone?” How had she not been adopted yet? Alison didn’t even know her and she was ready to take her home.

“She’s a special case because of the circumstances that landed her here. There was no guardian that could be found…or really, anything about her that could be found. They didn’t even know her name, which points to a home birth. No birth certificate. No exact birth date. Nothing. Because of all that, the state got involved. And not many foster families want to take on the responsibility of a sick kid. Everyone here has her best interests at heart though.”

“She certainly couldn’t have landed a better family.”

Being in the hospital was tough enough, but seeing a child as pure as the one sleeping in the room in front of them had given Alison strength she didn’t know she had.

“That was a really good story,” Alison said.

“Inspired by true events.” Emily grinned. “Wait until you get to the part where the two princesses get some alone time in their castle.”

“Oh?” Alison lifted her eyebrows, intrigued. “ _That’s_ how the story ends?”

“Spoiler alert: they live happily ever after.”

“Well, now you’ve ruined it.” Alison joked.

“Oh, I keep the plot twists coming.” Emily pulled her close with a sly smile.

“Yeah?” Alison was impressed. “Well then I guess I’ll just have to saddle up for an adventure to the moon and back.”

She saw the perplexed look on Emily’s face, because the words that were coming out of Alison’s mouth weren’t something Emily was used to hearing.

“Sorry. I still have pony brain.” She shook her head with an embarrassed laugh. “I still can’t believe I played make-believe with Toby Cavanaugh with the pony likenesses of the vampires from _Twilight_.”

“The…what?” Emily was even more confused.

“Princess Sparkle. Isn’t that what the main vampire’s name was?”

“Oh my God.” Emily laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You better restrain yourself when talking to royalty, miss. I’ll have you know that the Queen of the Ponies herself dubbed me Princess Alison.”

“I hate to burst your bubble, but she dubbed a rubber glove that had been blown up like a balloon the King of the Children’s Ward two weeks ago.” Emily pushed her with a grin.

“This was different. I had a coronation ceremony and everything. Toby bared witness.”

“Is that so?” Emily asked teasingly.

“Mmhmm.” Alison leaned in for a kiss. Both of them were grinning. Alison pulled away and brushed some of Emily’s hair aside. “So, what did Nate say?”

“We’ll know where we stand tomorrow,” Emily replied. She paused in thought. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” Emily took her hand. “We’ll be spending enough time here soon enough.”

Alison expected that they’d go back to the hotel, but Emily told her she wanted to show her around town. They only stopped in at the hotel long enough to make sure her parents had made it to check in and to pick Ace up from them. Then Emily took her out to see the town.

Alison insisted that she didn’t need to chauffeur her around and play tour guide. Emily told her she just wanted her to be acquainted with all the restaurants and shops in case she got bored one day and wanted to explore. She wanted Alison to know her way around. She even offered for Ace to be her guide since the rules about Seeing Eye Dogs in the hospital were tricky.

At her birthday dinner that night no one mentioned anything about the hospital. Her parents and Toby and Hanna sang embarrassingly loud. Hanna wiped icing on Emily’s nose, something Emily didn’t fight her on.

Alison saw so much laughter that she forgot why they were in Baltimore. It was only when she saw Emily move a trembling hand beneath the table where no one could see it and casually reach up behind her sunglasses to put pressure against her aching eyes that Alison realized she’d probably overexerted herself.

Alison reached for her hand and squeezed it. She knew that Emily didn’t want everyone at the table to realize she was tired. Alison yawned and made a comment about going back to the hotel. Naturally, Emily told her she didn’t want her to go alone. She knew her parents were going on a wine tasting event near the shore. Her father had tried to find things to do to try and occupy her mother’s mind.

Hanna volunteered to take Ace out for a walk. Toby volunteered to go with her so she wouldn’t be walking around after dark by herself. Since Hanna was staying the night and they planned on grabbing breakfast together in the morning she volunteered to take Ace for the night. She knew the two of them needed some quality time together.

They said their goodbyes and then Emily and Alison went back to the hotel. Emily thanked Alison for giving her an out.

“Why don’t you just tell them how you feel?” Alison asked.

“Because it only gets harder from here.” Emily replied.

Alison pulled into the parking lot and something dawned on her.

“You didn’t finish your cake,” she said, her tone sad. “I forgot to ask them to box it up for you.”

It bothered her more than it should have. She’d told Emily she’d get it to go and she’d forgotten. How was she already screwing this up?

“It’s no big deal.” Emily waved it off. “I’m more of an ice cream person anyway. I can pick out flavors like a drug sniffing dog can pick out a cartel’s stash.”

An idea sprang to Alison’s mind. She told Emily she had to run a really quick errand and that she would meet her at their hotel room. Initially, Emily was sharing a room with her parents, but when they’d found out Alison was coming they didn’t want the girls to feel cramped and uncomfortable, so Wayne had sprung for an extra room.

Her parents knew that the two of them would find a way to be together no matter what, so instead of fighting it, they gave in to the situation. Because their baby girl wasn’t a baby anymore. And she was facing some really mortifying things in life. And they wanted her to feel safe and comfortable. And Alison made her feel safe and comfortable.

Emily had just finished changing into her pajamas when she heard the door open. She could hear the crinkling of what sounded like grocery bags.

“Doing a little late night shopping, are we?” Emily asked, sitting up against the edge of the bed.

“ _We_ are going to have an ice cream eating contest.” Alison grinned.

“Uh…Ali, brain freeze might not be the _best_ option for the girl with a brain tumor.”

“We can go at your speed. I just want to test your knowledge on the flavors. You told me that you were like a champion at knowing ice cream flavors. So here I have five very distinct distinguished flavors.”

“What happens if I guess all five?” Emily asked.

“You get an _extra special_ birthday treat. Something even more delicious than the ice cream.”

Emily’s face lit up in delight, because she knew exactly what Alison meant.

“Alright, so what are the rules?”

“You guess right and I have to remove an article of clothing.”

“And if I guess wrong?”

“Off come those pajamas. Personally I’m hoping you were lying about being a flavor-testing champ.”

“You don’t stand a chance, DiLaurentis.” Emily teased. “I eat, sleep, and _breathe_ with my heightened senses.”

“Okay, don’t get cocky.” Alison popped the top from the first pint. She scooped up the tiniest amount of ice cream, just enough to give Emily a taste.

Alison held the spoon out in front of Emily’s lips and watched as she parted them just enough to let the spoon through. She closed her mouth around the spoon and swirled her tongue. Alison watched the action. She could feel her body responding to Emily’s motions already. She wanted that tongue doing _other_ things. Emily smacked her lips together as it melted in her mouth. She smiled when she tasted the rich flavor of peanut butter.

“Peanut Butter Crunch.” Emily grinned. “Take off your pants.”

“Whoa, going right for the good stuff, huh?” Alison laughed, unzipping and shimmying out of her jeans.

“I told you, I’m going to dominate this.” Emily replied.

“ _This_ or me?”

“Give me my second flavor and find out for yourself.”

“Alright, I’ll give you the first one. It was easy.” She put the carton down. “But they’re going to get harder as we go along.”

“Bring it.”

Alison repeated her actions with another pint of ice cream. It only took Emily half a second before she smiled at her and said,

“Cookies and Cream.”

“Very good. So, what’s coming off? Jacket or scarf?”

“Jacket.”

Alison peeled her jacket off and tossed it over towards their suitcases.

“This next one might be tricky.” Alison switched out Cookies and Cream for the next flavor.

It took Emily a little bit longer to nail down the mixture of the flavors and the texture, but she was confident with her answer.

“Rocky road.” Emily smirked.

“Damn, you’re good.” Alison laughed. “Scarf or shirt?”

“God, only _you_ would be wearing layers upon layers when I’m trying to get you naked.” Emily reached up, feeling the soft fabric of material around her neck.

“You’re the idiot who gave me the hickey I needed to cover up.” Alison slowly pulled the scarf away. She reached for the fourth container.

Emily could taste a tangy sweetness, but also a soft hint of creamy vanilla. She let the flavors linger for a minute. Alison smiled, thinking she’d finally stumped her. She couldn’t wait to rip her pajama pants off.

“Tutti Fruity.”

“I call witchcraft.”

Emily reached out and felt the long sleeved shirt Alison had on. She mumbled something to herself about how she was wearing too much.

“So close.” Alison moved forward, letting Emily feel her strip the shirt off. She had a matching slip on underneath. “Last one.” Alison moved, grabbing the last pint of ice cream.

She took her time, teasing Emily, because she could see what her girlfriend _really_ wanted for her birthday. Emily took the spoon in her mouth, sucking on it…flipping the script to tease Alison. Alison exhaled a shaky breath. She was _so_ turned on. Emily licked her lips and smacked them together.

“Americone Dream.”

“Okay, how did you get that one? I’d never even heard of it before tonight.”

“Get your top off. _Now_.”

Alison’s eyes widened. It was a tone that made her want to jump her. She pulled the top off and was left in her bra and panties.

“Now what?” Alison asked.

Emily licked her lips, reaching out to touch Alison’s sides. Her fingers splayed out against her ribs.

“How about I take a bite and then you kiss me and try to figure out what it is?” Emily suggested.

“What do I win if I guess right?” Alison questioned with intrigue, moving against Emily’s body.

“Me.” Emily lifted her brows.

“I’ll bite.” Alison agreed.

“So will I,” Emily said suggestively. “Close your eyes. No peeking.”

“Okay.” Alison handed her the spoon.

Emily moved, reaching out until she found the containers of ice cream. She picked one at random, scooping a generous amount of it into the spoon. She moved close to Alison and then downed the ice cream. Seconds later Alison felt Emily’s cool lips against hers. The sensation of the different temperatures clashing together made Alison’s body tense up. She concentrated on the movement of Emily’s lips and the taste of her breath. She tried to pick up on the flavor.

“Rocky road.” Alison pulled back, breathing warmly against her face.

When she saw Emily’s smile she knew she was right.

“Best two out of three,” Emily suggested.

 _God, you’re killing me here, Em._ She thought to herself.

“Go for it,” Alison replied.

Emily reached for another flavor. Alison immediately called out the Peanut Butter Crunch. The third one ended up being Tutti Fruity. After their third cool sensual kiss Emily pulled away with a lighthearted smile.

“I have brain freeze,” she said.

“I have _everything_ freeze.” Alison admitted, though she hadn’t actually eaten any of the ice cream.

“I know something that will warm us up.” Emily smirked, grabbing Alison’s hand and moving it up underneath her pajama top.

Alison automatically cupped her breast, but she stopped her motions after a few seconds.

“Your parents…”

“…know about us.” Emily interrupted her.

“What?” That made Alison’s entire body blush.

“Look, they know how close we are. They’re not ignorant to the fact that we’re intimate.”

They certainly didn’t like to think about their little girl all grown up, but given what Emily was going through they sure as hell weren’t going to deny her the opportunity to be with the girl she loved while she could.

 _Intimate._ Alison liked that. It sounded just like Emily. And it was something she’d never had with anyone else before.

“Besides, they’re not in right now.” Emily pulled Alison down on top of her and grasped the back of her neck, bringing her in for another firm kiss.

Alison crawled on top of her, her toes digging into the mattress beside Emily’s legs. She unbuttoned Emily’s shirt without breaking their kiss. Her palms landed on the soft flesh underneath.

Emily surprised her when she rolled them over, keeping their lips connected. She shrugged out of her shirt. Alison reached up and groped her breasts and Emily grunted into their kiss. She unhooked Alison’s bra and slid it off.

Alison countered by putting her fingers against Emily’s pajama bottoms and started working them down over her hips. Emily moved her fingers into Alison’s underwear and felt her gasp into her mouth.

“You got to play your little game.” Emily whispered against her lips. “It’s time for you to play mine.” She grinned.

She could hear Alison’s unsteady breathing as she rubbed against her center, teasing her with a finger occasionally, but never fully entering her.

_Ohshit. Ohfuck. She’s good. She’s so fucking good. Jesus, I’m going to…fuuuck…_

Alison groaned. Her entire body was already starting to twitch. She had no idea what Emily had in store for her.

“Are you up for a little show and tell?” Emily moved down to kiss her chest.

Alison was too hypnotized by her motions to say anything. Emily knew she was spellbound, and she used it to her advantage. She moved her fingers out of Alison’s panties. Alison whimpered.

“Show me where you want me.” Emily wrapped her fingers around Alison’s wrist, guiding both of their hands down in between Alison’s legs.

She stopped moving their hands and Alison frowned and muttered out a disapproving noise.

“Show me, Ali,” Emily said.

Alison had never stripped out of underwear so fast in her life. She kicked them with such force that they got caught on the remote on the nightstand and knocked it to the ground. She kept one hand on Emily’s and started moving their joined hands down in between her thighs. Alison trailed her fingers over her dripping center, Emily’s hand moving with her motions.

Emily helped her along, her fingers on top of Alison’s as she slowly created the friction she so desperately needed. Alison had never felt so in control, yet out of control at the same time. It was invigorating. She knew exactly how to play her own clit, but she took her time building that up. She wanted to enjoy the pleasure she was getting from Emily’s guidance.

Alison rolled her head to the side, pressing her cheek against the pillow. She started panting. She felt her juices coating her fingers and she felt the increasing need to be penetrated. Her insides were begging for more. She moaned and pushed her pelvis up against her fingers. She started to slip the tips of her fingers into herself, but Emily stopped her. Alison groaned out a complaint.

“I need more. _Please_. I need to feel something inside of me.” Alison arched her back as she rubbed herself in between her folds.

“Let me.” Emily took control of Alison’s motions.

She pulled Alison’s fingers out from between her legs. Emily made sure she had Alison’s attention and then she slowly and seductively licked the juices from Alison’s arousal off of her fingers.

Alison’s eyes widened. It was the hottest fucking thing she’d ever seen. The girl was going to make her orgasm without even touching her.

Emily dipped down. She reached in between Alison’s legs and took over Alison’s fingers’ exploration with a hungry passion. The brunette was without a doubt the most dedicated lover Alison had ever been with. Her breathing hardened. Emily pushed her fingers into Alison with a force that Alison had never felt before. Alison’s jaw dropped in surprise and she moaned.

“Harder.” Alison huffed gruffly, her voice coming out deep and sultry.

Emily shoved back in harder, deeper, making Alison cry out in ecstasy.

“Like that?”

“Yes,” Alison said through her panting. “More.”

Emily increased her motions and movements, curling her fingers and exploring her inner walls. Alison felt her eyes starting to roll back into her head.

Emily reached out towards the bedside table with her free hand, finding one of the pints of ice cream. She scooped a portion of it on to her fingers. She stilled the fingers of her other hand inside of Alison. She could feel her warm walls clenching her tight. She was so close, but Emily wasn’t ready for her to let go yet.

Alison watched as Emily circled the nipple of her right breast with the rapidly melting ice cream. It felt like an icy tide against her heated flesh. And the sensation drove her wild. She jumped and grasped Emily’s hips and started arching her back and bucking into her wildly, begging Emily to let her orgasm.

She dug her fingernails into her bronze skin as Emily leaned down and circled her tongue around her swollen nipple. Every neuron in her body felt like it was on fire when Emily’s scorching mouth landed on her breast to lick the melted substance away. Emily started moving in her again. Alison started shaking uncontrollably.

“Emily…” She huffed out. “Oh my God, I…you…” She felt like her brain was misfiring, “…you make me feel…” She couldn’t describe it, “…everything.”

Emily moved down to kiss her bellybutton. She curled her fingers again and pressed her thumb lightly against Alison’s clit, not giving it nearly the amount of pressure Alison needed. Alison felt like she was blacking out.

“Is this where you want me to touch you?” Emily teased.

 _Yes. God, yes. Never stop._ She thought to herself.

“You have to tell me what you want, Alison,” Emily whispered huskily against her skin, pressing her mouth lower.

She kissed her pelvis as she pulled her fingers out, creating a vacuum of wet suction that reverberated against Alison’s thighs.

“I want…” Alison huffed, trying to concentrate on her words, because she was completely lost in Emily’s motions, “…please, I want…more.”

“Show me.” Emily moved lower, her lips tickling her pelvis, her fingers trailing along her inner thighs. “What do you want, Ali?”

Alison finally lost control of herself…or gained it, and reached down, pushing Emily’s head in between her legs.

“Please.”

Emily smiled and pressed her lips against Alison’s clit, making her jump in surprise. There was a split second of hesitation. Emily had never done anything like this before. She wanted to make it as pleasurable as possible, but she wasn’t sure exactly what she was supposed to do. She was worried she wouldn’t be good at it.

All that changed the second she smelled the scent of Alison’s arousal. She let the taste glaze her lips. It awakened something inside of her. Emily held her pelvis down as she sucked the tender flesh into her mouth and then pressed her tongue against her. She heard a quiet cry of satisfaction.

Emily _loved_ hearing her purr. She ran her tongue through Alison’s center, flattening it against her, making Alison groan.

“Em, I need you…” Alison could feel herself bucking into Emily’s mouth, her body begging for more of her touch. “God, fuck…please. I _need_ you. All of you.”

Emily didn’t have to be told twice. She kept her mouth against Alison’s bud and slipped her fingers back into her warm slick center. She started moving in a perfect rhythmic motion.

Alison’s stomach tightened and her body started shivering beyond her control. She threw her arm back over her head, her fingers gripping the headboard. She thrust back against Emily’s motions, almost violently. Emily pulled out and slipped her fingers through the wetness that had gathered between her legs and circled her entrance with it.

“Oh, God. Fuck.” Alison panted. She was almost there.

She felt Emily grin against her center, slowly moving her tongue up and down. Seconds later she felt Emily’s fingers again, a welcome intrusion in her body. Emily pressed her tongue hard against Alison’s swollen clit while her fingers curled up and against the front of her pelvic bone. Alison saw stars. She tangled her fingers into Emily’s hair and screamed her name when her climax hit her, hoping to God that Emily’s parents weren’t in the room next door…or in the hotel at all.

She felt Emily gently stroking her insides while cleaning up the stream of hot wet juices oozing down her legs with her tongue. Alison’s chest heaved heavily. Emily could still feel her body contracting and shaking with little bursts of tremors that were out of her control. When the tremors slowed Emily gently pulled away and kissed her bellybutton again. She kept her lips pressed against Alison’s skin, delicately moving along her stomach and placing a trail of light kisses against her belly, waiting for her to come down from it. She could still feel Alison’s thighs twitching and her chest heaving.

Alison’s body relaxed. She raked her fingernails across Emily’s back.

“Oh my God.” Alison breathed out quickly. “That is hands down the best sex I’ve ever had. Where the hell did you learn that?” Alison panted as Emily crawled next to her, placing a kiss on Alison’s lips.

There was something gratifying about tasting herself on her girlfriend’s lips.

“I asked Hanna for pointers.”

“What?” Alison nearly shot up out of the bed.

She saw Emily laughing.

“Relax. I got it from the internet.” Emily chuckled. “Though I kinda hope no one else in my house saw. I had my headphones on, so for all I know I had an audience.”

“Jesus, Emily.” Alison laughed. Was there anything she couldn’t do? “What’s next? You going to pull out a surprise strap on?”

“I’m told it’s purple and it glows in the dark.”

Alison snapped her head over to look at her and Emily giggled. She fucking _giggled_.

_God, she’s adorable as hell._

“Emily Fields, you are a freak. And I love you.” Alison laughed softly before pressing an innocent kiss against her forehead.

She looked her over, from head to toe. Emily had a beautiful glow from her coat of sweat. She moved closer to her. Her tone chiseled body felt like a piece of Alison’s life she didn’t even know she was missing until she met her.

“So how was your dessert?” Alison asked.

“Delicious.” Emily licked her lips with a seductive smile.

Alison felt herself twitch. She was so sweet, yet so dirty at the same time. And so skilled. _So_ fucking skilled.

“Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

Alison settled against her naked body, bathing in her warmth. She pressed a kiss against Emily’s collar bone and moved her palm down against Emily’s arm until their fingers naturally laced together. They laid together in silence for a few minutes. Alison looked up at Emily.

“You nervous about tomorrow?” Alison asked.

She felt Emily kiss the top of her head.

“Not really,” Emily admitted. “I used to be afraid, but I started to realize that I shouldn’t fear what I can’t control.” She sighed. She was more concerned about Alison. “What about you? How are you doing?”

Alison felt her eyes burning just thinking about it. If they hadn’t just slept together her emotions would be at an all-time high, but Emily had finally fucked her into an actual sex coma. She felt like she’d taken a bunch of mind-numbing drugs. Her entire body felt warm and fuzzy, like she was just going to disappear into the warmth of Emily’s body. She rolled closer to her.

“As long as you’re okay, I’m okay.” Alison smiled, kissing her neck. She nuzzled her nose against her jaw. “Are you in any pain?” she asked quietly.

“Not right now.” Emily had a serene look on her face.

“Took a pain killer?” Alison guessed.

“Took a dose of you.” Emily replied, kissing the top of her head again. She just loved smelling her hair.

“Mmm. The doctor says to take two more and call him in the morning.” She moved up to kiss her.

Their lips pecked together once, then twice. They both smiled.

“I better be careful.” Emily playfully lifted her eyebrows. “I think I might be getting addicted.”

“Me too. Just another junkie who needs a fix.” Alison ran her palm up the side of Emily’s neck, letting it linger there.

Her skin was sweltering. She was covered in sweat. Alison could tell she’d worn herself out. But she’d had a hell of a time doing it. Alison let her hand fall gently against the pillow. Emily yawned and then reached up to rub her eyes.

“You should get some rest.” Alison could see the red rims around her eyes.

“We should clean up…”

“I’ll take care of it.” Alison lovingly brushed her hair away from her face. “You just rest. It’s what you need.”

Emily nodded in response. She was completely wiped out. Between the trip, the visit to the hospital, the birthday dinner, and the sex with Alison she was exhausted. Her endorphins were the icing on the cake. She didn’t last very long before she fell asleep.

Alison watched her rhythmic breathing for a short while. She could never get enough of looking at her. She grabbed the pint of Americone Dream and scooped a spoonful in her mouth. Their activities had made her ravenous. What she really wanted was a taste of Emily, but the brunette was out cold. Alison watched her chest rise and fall as she snacked on the ice cream.

She finished half the pint and then very carefully slipped out of bed so she wouldn’t wake her. She cleaned up the ice cream, playing a game of real life Tetris as she shoved the remains into the tiny icebox that came with the hotel room.

She felt a chill roll over her before she climbed back into the bed. She couldn’t tell whether it was from eating the cold treat or her anxiety. When she climbed back into the bed Emily automatically rolled over and reached for her, pulling her into her arms.

“Sorry if I woke you,” Alison whispered.

“You didn’t.” Emily murmured. She was always in and out, tossing and turning the night before a big hospital visit. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just cleaning up.”

“Mmm.” Emily muttered in her sleep.

There was a long lingering silence in the air. Alison puffed out a breath.

“Em?”

“Hmm?”

“I lied,” Alison said. “I’m really scared about tomorrow.”

“It’s okay.” Emily tried to soothe her, still half asleep. “I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Alison grimaced, but it turned into an appreciative smile. Even when she wasn’t awake her natural instinct was to protect her.

_My ridiculously stubborn self-sacrificial idiot. Does she even know how much she means to me?_

“I love you.” Alison nuzzled against her.

“I love you, too.”

Alison closed her eyes and tried to get some shut eye. She had a hard time getting to sleep, and when she did fall asleep she had stress induced nightmares. Emily didn’t sleep much better, though it was better than her normal tossing and turning. She had Alison in her arms. She held her all night. And Alison was content to be held. It was around 5 AM when Alison finally fell asleep.

She woke up a few hours later. Emily was already up and out of bed. Alison could feel the empty presence even before she opened her eyes. Her warmth was gone. She opened her eyes. She felt cold.

She saw Emily feeling her way out of the bathroom with her cane. She was already dressed. Alison was surprised she’d slept through it. Emily was amazingly quiet sometimes.

“Morning.” Alison sat up in bed, rubbing her sleepy eyes.

Emily nearly melted hearing her gravelly morning voice. She loved that voice more than anything.

“Morning.” Emily walked over towards the bed. “How’d you sleep?”

Alison glanced at the clock. It was 6:30. What was she doing up so early?

“Fine.” Alison sat against the edge of the mattress, leaning up to meet her to give her a morning kiss. “What are you doing up? I didn’t think we were meeting Hanna for breakfast until nine.”

“We’re not.” Emily replied. “But there’s somewhere I’ve got to go first. There’s something I’ve got to do before we go to the hospital.”

“Alright, just give me a few minutes to shower and your chariot shall await.”

“It’s fine if you want to stay here and get a little more rest.” She reached out, her palm landing against Alison’s arm. Her expression was soft and concerned. “I know you didn’t sleep well. I felt you fidgeting.”

“I’m fine. Besides, like I’m letting you out of my sight?” Alison threw the covers off of her naked body.

A draft of cold air made her shiver. Her teeth started to chatter.

“Still feeling the _everything freeze_ from last night?” Emily questioned curiously.

“In all the best ways.” Alison reached up and grabbed her jacket lapels, pulling her down towards the bed until their lips met. It immediately warmed Alison up.

“I can grab a pint if you want to go for round two.” Emily suggested.

“I’d rather we skip that and go straight to warming each other up.” Alison climbed to her feet, pressing her nude body against Emily’s warm clothes.

Alison felt Emily shudder against her and expel a heavy breath. Alison was like a drug to her, and vice versa. They were drawn to the calling of desire and they _needed_ one another.

Emily ran her fingers along Alison’s curves, down her hips and around to her perfectly rounded buttocks. Her palms gripped her cheeks as she pulled Alison closer.

Seconds later the backs of Alison’s knees hit the mattress. Emily curved her fingers down around her thighs and gripped her legs, pulling them off of the ground and pulling them against her body. Alison automatically wrapped her legs around her waist.

Alison felt the denim of Emily’s jeans pressing against her center and it made her jump and huff out in pleasure. She grasped at the back of Emily’s head and buried her face into Emily’s neck, smelling the fresh scent of her newly washed hair.

Emily held Alison up for a few seconds, but found herself tiring out more quickly than she had last night. She pressed her knees against the mattress and climbed on the bed with Alison still firmly against her body. Her breathing had already become labored. She felt a bolt of pain in her head. A wave of dizziness surged over her. She gripped the knotted sheets underneath Alison with one hand and reached up to steady herself by gripping the headboard with her other hand. Alison saw her struggling.

“Did you take your meds this morning?” Alison reached up and touched her cheek.

“I’m supposed to hold off until we get to the hospital. It might alter my course of treatment. They may want to change things.”

“Sweetie, why didn’t you say so?”

“Because I wasn’t feeling it until now.” Emily rolled to the side.

She cinched her eyes closed and pressed her fingers against them. Sometimes they felt like they were being pulled out by a vacuum.

Alison put her palm gently against Emily’s wrist.

“What does it feel like?” she asked.

“It’s just pressure. It burns a little bit. It’s like my eyes are suddenly having bits of hot desert sand blown into them.”

“Can I do anything to help?” Alison asked.

“It’ll pass.” Emily shook her head. She pulled her fingers away from her eyes and blinked away the automatic tears that had accumulated in her eyes.

“Why don’t you just relax? I’ll take my shower and then if you still want to go out, I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

Emily nodded, squeezing her eyes shut again.

“Would you mind grabbing an icepack from the icebox? I put a cloth one in there last night.”

“Whatever you need.”

She’d go to the depths of the Atlantic Ocean and bring back a chunk of the iceberg that sank the _Titanic_ if Emily asked her to.

Alison climbed out of the bed, gripping one of the sheets around her body as she sauntered across the room. She pulled a soft blue cloth ice pack out from where it was smooshed underneath the ice cream from last night. She made sure Emily was comfortable. She reached for her travel bag. She rubbed Emily’s arm and smiled.

“Give me about ten minutes, okay? You just take it easy.”

“Alright.” Emily nodded.

Alison took an insanely quick shower, throwing her messy hair up into a bun when she was done. She hustled out of the bathroom in a towel, worried about how Emily was doing. She was surprised to find her up and out of bed. She’d brewed Alison a pot of coffee. Alison scowled at her, but she took the coffee.

“This is _not_ what ‘taking it easy’ looks like. You do not follow instructions well.”

“This is news to you?”

“I bet your nurses and doctors hate you.” Alison sipped her warm beverage.

“You’re welcome.” Emily replied dryly.

Alison rolled her eyes and then kissed her cheek. She got dressed and then they left the hotel. Emily gave her the directions as they were climbing in the car.

Alison was so tired that she didn’t even think to ask about where they were going. She was surprised when she took the last left and they ended up at a cemetery.

 _Holy shit. Little morbid…_ She glanced at her exhausted girlfriend in the passenger’s seat and sighed.

She was puzzled at first, but then her tired brain realized why they were there…who they were visiting. She didn’t say a word. She followed Emily’s cues.

When they got out of the car Alison followed Emily. Emily knew the exact number of steps…where to turn and where to go. Alison walked silently beside her until Emily stopped, her cane tapping against the side of a familiar headstone. Alison glanced at the name.

_Maya Anne St. Germain._

There were fresh flowers in a vase attached to the headstone. Nate came out twice a week to make sure her burial site was being well tended to. And his mother was constantly bringing fresh flowers from her garden.

“If it’s too weird for you, I can just catch up with you later…” Emily faced her girlfriend.

“I’m staying right here.” _By your side._

Alison slipped her hand into Emily’s. Emily reached out with her free hand until her fingers grazed the cool granite. She kept her palm on the grave. Alison comforted her by gently rubbing her arm. She drew in a breath of the cool morning air.

“You want to tell me about her?” Alison asked quietly.


	29. Brown Eyed Girl (Maya's Interlude)

* * *

 

 **A/N:** _This one is lengthy. And very different than the other chapters. It’s Emily-centric. It is Emily’s journey pre-Alison and should answer all of your questions._

* * *

  **Chapter 29:**

**Brown Eyed Girl**

**_(Maya’s Interlude)_ **

_***_

_“You want to tell me about her?” Alison asked._

_***_

They met on a Wednesday, which Maya later claimed was her favorite day of the week. It had only taken an instant for Emily and Maya to fall in love with one another. For Emily, it wasn’t the way Maya looked or anything she said or did. Though she was beautiful and her bright optimistic personality was contagious. But it wasn’t any of those things. It was her smile. Maya’s infectious smile was Emily’s favorite thing in the world. But Emily had been shy about her feelings. Maya was the first girl, really the first _person_ she’d had really strong feelings for. It was confusing for her. She wasn’t sure how to react.

Emily always felt different when she was growing up. She’d just always felt like she’d never fit in. Not in the typical sense. Everyone loved her. Adults and kids alike. Even when she was a baby, she’d always been a parent’s dream. Smart. Bubbly. Kind. She was always smiling and giggling. And she wasn’t afraid of anything. She dared to take risks. She loved to explore. Other kids loved her charm and whimsy. They flocked to her.

Every day at recess was a new adventure, and she had plenty of friends to go on them with.

Hanna would get a little possessive of her sometimes, something that would never change. She was loud about the fact that Emily was _her_ best friend and she wasn’t interested in sharing. Hanna didn’t like to share.

Toby acted like her big brother, but it was usually Emily getting Toby out of jams. She knew how to throw a punch. Her dad had taught her to defend herself at an early age. It made her more popular than she cared to be sometimes.

Sometimes she just wanted to disappear in the tunnels on the playground. Sometimes she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. Because despite being surrounded by people, sometimes she felt all alone. It wasn’t anything the others were doing. She just felt like an outcast and she didn’t understand why.

But then one day when all the kids in her kindergarten class were playing a game in which they’d sneak off behind the slide and kiss while playing pretend marriage she realized what was so different about her. Hanna had practically dragged a little boy named Sean to the “kissing spot”, which other kids could see from the bridge connecting two opposite parts of the playground. Kids would gather to watch their classmates peck one another on the cheek or on the lips and then the onlookers would cover their mouths and giggle. Sometimes some of them would chant their names and sing that they were _“…sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G_. _”_

One day a little boy in Emily’s class named Isaac asked her if she wanted to go play pretend marriage with him. He had shaggy brown hair and the greenest eyes she’d ever seen. He was sweet and cute and kind, and everything that girls really loved. But Emily didn’t feel anything. When boys talked to her she didn’t have butterflies like the other girls in her class.

Even so, she said okay and they found themselves playing house. They’d paraded around, laughing and pretending that he’d just come home from a long day of work. She’d eagerly exclaimed how excited she was to see him and then they ran into each other’s arms and hugged.

Isaac had asked her if it was okay if he kissed her, and Emily thought it was what was expected of her. All of her friends had done it.

So she did it. But when they kissed it felt wrong. It felt off. He’d blushed and giggled, and of course they’d called each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” for all of one day, like most 5-year-olds. But the next day everything was back to normal. At least for everyone else. But for Emily that little innocent kiss had sparked something inside of her that she couldn’t put out.

It wasn’t until one day at the pool when she saw a little fair-haired girl with bright blue eyes she realized what was so different about her.

The weekend after she and Isaac had kissed had changed everything. She’d been invited to a pool party by one of the girls in her class. She’d been so excited because she loved the water and she’d never been to the pool at the big clubhouse on the other side of town. Her mom had taken her shopping and she’d picked out a pink and white bathing suit.

When she’d seen the size of the pool and how fancy it was she felt like she’d died and gone to heaven. She was the first one in the water. Her dad had taught her how to swim when she was two.

She’d played with her friends that day, occasionally meeting new friends, some older, some younger. She remembered seeing a family over in a small cabana. There was a boy, about nine or ten, a girl who was probably seven, and a two little girls her age. There were four grown ups chatting with one another, paying attention to everything but their kids. The seven-year-old and one of the girls started fighting about something and the seven-year-old whined out a,

_“Mom! Make Spencer stop mocking me!”_

The mom waved her off. The little girl named Spencer gave the older girl a smarmy look and stuck her tongue out at who Emily presumed to be her sister.

The other little girl Emily’s age said something to the older boy, who favored her quite a bit. She skipped off towards the deep end. Emily had watched her, mesmerized by her beauty. The girl turned towards Emily and pulled her designer shades off of her face. Emily had never seen another five-year-old with designer sunglasses. She had to be a movie star or something. The little girl looked past Emily, but Emily could see the sun bouncing off of her icy blue eyes. And she started feeling things she’d never felt before.

She went back to playing with her friends, but she kept her eyes on the girl. And it was a good thing, too. Because ten minutes later she saw her fall into the deep end of the pool. The blonde had been reaching for her sunglasses, which had flopped into the water, and she’d tumbled in. Emily saw her struggling and she’d quickly cut away from her friends and jumped in after her.

She’d helped her to the side. The girl had grabbed the ladder and then turned around to face her. Their eyes met, and the minute Emily peered into those crystal blue pools of gratitude she’d _felt_ something. Things that all of her girl friends felt for boys.

 _“Thanks.”_ The blonde pretended to pick some lint off of her bathing suit, trying to play it cool.

Emily had smiled at her and shrugged. She felt her cheeks get hot, and it wasn’t just from being out in the sun.

 _“I can teach you how to swim if you want.”_ Emily had offered.

 _“I know how to swim.”_ She’d sounded defensive, but her face was soft. _“Just accidentally snorted water up my nose.”_

_“Oh, okay.”_

The little girl peered at Emily curiously. Emily didn’t know it at the time, but the blonde was admiring how pretty she looked. She was noticing everything about her. Her striking cocoa eyes. Her soft lips. Her glistening tousled hair sparkling in the water. She looked radiant in the sunlight. She wanted to take Emily’s hand and kiss her. She’d kissed some of the boys in her kindergarten class, and she’d seen her brother kiss his girlfriends. She’d always wanted to kiss a girl, and _this_ girl was perfect.

 _“You’re pretty. Are you a mermaid?”_ The girl looked at her long flowing hair.

Emily looked at her inquisitively. She’d never been asked anything like that before.

 _“I don’t think so.”_ She’d giggled.

 _“You’re a really good swimmer.”_ The girl had moved closer to her. She smelled like lavender, chlorine, and mint.

_“Thanks. My daddy taught me.”_

_“You have a good daddy?”_

_“The BEST.”_ Emily nodded enthusiastically. _“He’s really strong and funny and smart.”_

The girl had looked a little downtrodden at the mention of a good father. Emily looked over at the adults that the girl had come with and saw that not a single one of them was paying attention to her. It made her angry. Because something could have happened. She could have gotten hurt. She could have drowned. It made Emily want to climb out of the pool and march over to the adults and scold them and tell them that they had a beautiful daughter and that they should cherish and protect her. And if they wouldn’t then she would.

 _“I learned to swim when my brother pushed me in the pool one_ _day.”_ The girl pointed to the older boy she’d come with. He did a cannon ball at the other end of the pool. _“He can be a real butthead sometimes. He thought it would be funny. But it was scary.”_ She faced Emily. Their eyes met and Emily smiled bashfully. _“Were you scared when you learned how to swim?”_

_“Not really. My daddy said that being in the water makes us really strong, because water can get through everything on the planet. He says that even when the water gets stuck, it can find a new path.”_

_“Ohh…kay.”_

The blonde’s smile made something weird churn inside of Emily’s stomach.

 _“You’re different,”_ The girl said bluntly. And it made Emily cringe. Because she _was_ different, and was that a bad thing? Was something wrong with her? Her anxiety melted away when the blonde laughed and added, _“I like you.”_

_“I like you, too.”_

_“When grown ups like each other they get married.”_ The girl stated.

 _“You would look really pretty in a fancy dress, like the ones the princesses wear in the movies.”_ Emily chewed on her lip with an innocent smile.

_“You think I’m a princess?”_

Emily put the girl’s sunglasses back on her face and nodded.

_“I think you’re royalty.”_

_“The princess and the mermaid. That would be a cool story.”_ The girl suggested.

 _“Em!”_ Someone shouted from across the pool.

Alison looked over and saw a green-eyed sandy-haired boy. Emily turned to face him and waved. The blonde sneered at him. Who was _he_?

_“Come on! We’re going to play Marco-Polo!”_

_“Who is that?”_

_“My friend Isaac. He’s in my class at school. He’s really nice. Want to come play with us?”_

The little girl had a strange bubbling feeling in the pit of her stomach. There was a burning anger she didn’t quite understand. She didn’t even know the boy, but she didn’t like him. She didn’t like that he was looking at her mermaid like a stupid puppy. It made her mad. So instead of going to play with her new friend, she coolly declined.

_“No. I’m going to go play with my friends.”_

_“Okay. Well, have fun.”_ Emily smiled at her before swimming away.

She’d never gotten her name. She’d only find out years later that it was Alison DiLaurentis.

  ***** 7 years later *****

It was Alison who made her realize that she liked girls. And it made her feel a little more in control in her life. So when she met Maya seven years later and she felt a connection it didn’t scare her.

At thirteen, she hadn’t come out to her parents yet. She loved them and she trusted them. They’d been through so much together. But she also knew that they held certain values. And it made her nervous to consider how they’d react to finding out she was gay. Her mom more-so than her dad.

Emily had just gotten settled in her room at Johns Hopkins. She was comfortable there because she knew the doctor, Doctor St. Germain. He’d been in charge of one of her earlier treatments when she was younger. He’d already done his exam and had talked to her parents.

Emily really liked him. Out of all the doctors she’d ever had, he made her feel the most at ease. He was cool and relaxed and his attitude just made her feel like she was going to be okay. He’d even told her to call him ‘Nate’ and made a quip about how, “Dr. St. Germain is my father”. Then he’d whispered, _“He’s not really a doctor. He’s a professor. But we call him ‘doctor’ anyway to make him feel special.”_

She liked that Nate was so personable. She liked that he wasn’t treating her like someone who was dying. He treated her like a normal person. Even her mother commented on what amazing bedside manner he had. It’s why they felt even remotely comfortable leaving Emily in his hands.

After they got her checked in and filled out all of her paperwork her parents had gone to take their things to the apartment they’d rented. Emily didn’t mind being alone. Sometimes having her parents there made her feel more anxious. But when she was alone she could read and listen to her music and watch TV.

Sometimes she had some trouble seeing. Sometimes her vision was blurry, but other times she could see just fine. She never knew when a blinding flash would hit her, though over the years she’d slowly learned that depending on the severity of her headaches sometimes she could feel a blackout coming.

A few hours after her parents left, a nurse came by to take her vitals. She’d told her it was almost time for dinner and then left a menu with Emily. It was pretty slim pickings, but Emily wasn’t expecting anything fancy. She was so busy staring at her choices that she didn’t see the curious pair of eyes watching her from the hallway.

“Little tip, stay away from the meat and gravy,” a sweet bouncy voice startled her. “And anything with cheese. Their cheese tastes like a sweatsock. The best thing they have is the fries and baked potatoes. Anything with starch. Their mac and cheese is pretty good, because they use the fake cheese. Chocolate cake is dry and tastes like dirt. But they have a pretty good selection of pies.”

“Uh, thanks…” Emily smiled, looking up at the girl in the doorway.

She was beautiful by all standards. Dark voluptuous skin. Beautiful brown eyes. Her smile was what captivated her though. There was something so kind and so genuine about it. She looked like she could cause trouble one second and then sweet talk her way out of it the next.

The girl sauntered into the room. She flitted when she walked, like she was floating with ease. When she stepped into the light Emily saw the white bracelet around her wrist. The same bracelet Emily had on her wrist. She saw a bandaged up port on her inner-arm.

“So, where are you from, new girl?” The girl asked.

“A little of everywhere.” Emily answered. “I move around.”

“That’s all I get?” She questioned. “No details? No sordid history?” She walked closer.

Emily chuckled softly and sat up against the edge of the bed.

“Wait, don’t tell me. You’re…in the witness protection. Running from the mob.” Her eyes lit up. “No, you’re…secretly a criminal mastermind and you’re looking for a place to lie low. Oh, are you an undercover actress, method acting for a role? I think you look like an actress.”

“You talk a lot.”

“Motormouth Maya.” She stopped when she reached the edge of the bed. “That’s what my stupid brother used to call me when we were little. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Nope. Just me.” Emily felt a strange electricity between them.

“You got a name _me_?”

“Emily.”

“Like Emily Dickinson?”

“I’m more of a Brontë fan.”

“Oh, you rebel.” Maya smirked. “I’m a little bit of a LeBron-të fan mystelf. Master of the court. My dad and brother worship the guy. I don’t get it, but I love him by association.”

Emily laughed at her pun.

“So, what are you in for?” Maya asked.

“Huh?”

“What’s killing you?”

“Wow, you really don’t beat around the bush, do you?” Emily couldn’t help but laugh.

“Nothing like wasting time when you’re wasting away.”

“That’s morbid.”

“Is it? I didn’t mean for it to be. I just meant that we’ve got to make every second count.” Maya sat down against the edge of her bed. “So, what ails you, new girl?”

“Optic Nerve Glioma. Glioblastoma.”

“Ohh, that’s a toughie,” Maya said. “But I’ve got you beat.” She pat her leg. “Osteosarcoma.” She pulled her gown up to reveal a large thick scar on her lower leg extending from her ankle to her knee. “It does _not_ tickle the funny bone.”

“Ouch. Stage?”

“Two. But it’s localized.” Maya glanced up at her. “How about you? Is yours primary or secondary?”

“I’m that rare ten percent. Secondary. Slow growing.”

“Radiation?” Maya asked.

“Twice. You?”

“Four times. I’m going for the record of five. What about chemo?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” Emily looked at her, intrigued.

“How else am I supposed to get to know you?”

“There you go again. Another question.”

“Fine. Your turn. Ask me anything.” Maya smiled.

Emily thought long and hard about it, leaving Maya in suspense. She wiggled like an impatient toddler.

“If you could travel anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?” Emily questioned.

“Look at you with the hard hitting questions. Impressive, new girl.” Maya laughed.

“I have a name, you know…”

“Ooh, and _bite_ , too. I like it.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” Emily chuckled softly.

Maya didn’t even think about it before she replied.

“San Francisco.”

“Really?” Emily was surprised. “All the places in the world, all the things to see…The Great Barrier Reef, the Grand Canyon, The Pyramids, The Great Wall of China, Stonehenge…and you’re going with California?”

“I’m a simple person.” Maya shrugged.

“You _definitely_ don’t strike me as simple.” Emily disagreed. “There has to be a reason…”

Maya sighed, but her smile never faltered.

“My family is from San Jose,” Maya said.

“But you said San Francisco.”

“Jeeze, impatient, aren’t you?” Maya shook her head with a laugh. “Let me finish.”

“Sorry.”

“There’s a theater in San Francisco. _Castro Theatre._ It’s this amazing theater that plays classics. My dad used to take me and my brother once a month. It was a long car ride, but it was so worth it. The architecture is amazing. It was built in the 1920s and it’s got this really cool classic vibe that I jive with. It’s my happy place. I just love movie theaters. I miss them. It’s not the same watching from a hospital room with your lights out.”

“Half the time you don’t need the TV for entertainment. I’ve seen some wild stuff happen in the hospital after hours.” Emily glanced towards the door. “One time I saw this teenager in his boxers high as a kite running from the nursing staff. He was using a plaster mold as a light saber and shouting that he would not go quietly into the night and then started singing Black Sabbath at the top of his lungs. Then he started pelting the staff with spaghetti from a food cart.”

“That so did not happen!”

“It did.” Emily looked at her. “Atlanta is a weird city.”

“Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta?” Maya guessed.

“How did you know that?”

“I research hospitals when I get bored.” She put her palms flat against Emily’s mattress and then leaned back and looked at the ceiling. “I think it’s my turn to ask a question.”

“Okay.” Emily shrugged.

She looked at Emily for a few seconds before she continued.

“How bad is your vision?”

“It’s fine right now. Could change tomorrow. I don’t know. I get these flashes that come and go. I’ll probably eventually be totally blind though,” Emily replied. “Besides movies, what do you miss the most about being out in the world?”

“Hmm. The beach. I miss the beach. We moved here for my treatment years ago, and even though we’ve got the east coast beaches…it’s nothing like the beaches in California.” She sighed. “And I miss being out at the park from dawn until dusk…not having to worry about whether or not a grain of sand or a clump of dirt would send my body into sepsis.” Maya drifted off in thought. “How many rounds of chemo have you had?”

“I never had any full treatments.”

“How come?”

“Made me sicker. I had two short rounds when I was younger. The dosage they gave was just enough to make me puke all the time, but I didn’t lose my hair.”

Maya pulled the scarf off her head. It was unsurprising to Emily to see that she had very little hair, but she still looked beautiful.

“Eight rounds. Lost it a while ago. But I have some of the best wigs in the world. No joke. I’ve got one that makes me look just like Beyoncé.”

Emily smiled.

“How about surgeries? How many have you had?” Maya asked.

“Two. Both non-invasive and experimental. Not counting biopsies.”

“Yeah. I’ve had A LOT of those.” Maya nodded. “And four surgeries. No amputations yet. They keep hacking off bones and fusing them back together. I’m kind of the Frankenstein of the hospital.”

“Frankenstein was actually the doctor…”

“Oh, well… _someone_ here is a literary genius.” Maya scoffed. “That was a test. You passed.”

“Why are you testing me?”

“I like my friends to be smart.” She shrugged. “You in school?”

“I’ve been in and out of public school, but for the most part since I’ve been sick it’s been homeschool and private tutors. My parents don’t want me to fall behind. I guess they think I actually have a future or something.”

“Oof, that’s dark.” Maya whistled. “So, how long have you been sick?”

“Uh…” She had to stop to add up the years in her head. “Six years. On and off.”

“Got you beat in that respect, too. I was diagnosed when I was three. So, ten years, on and off, but mostly on.”

“You’re really competitive.”

“Oh, yeah. I take my cancer very seriously.” She made a faux hardened face. “So, what do you like to do for fun?”

“Well, I really love swimming. I was on a league back in Georgia.” A peewee league, but still a league.

“Ah, so, you’re a jock, huh? I bet you’re good.” Maya smirked. “You totally have the body for it.”

Emily was a little surprised by her forwardness. Was she flirting? How did she even know how to flirt? They were still awkward tweens. At least, that’s how Emily felt. She wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Do you have a favorite stroke?” Maya asked.

“The butterfly.”

“Of course. You _would_ like the swim move named after something so bright and happy. I wouldn’t expect anything else from you, Little Miss Sunshine.”

“Says the girl from California.” Emily bit back with a playful laugh.

“California isn’t the sunshine state. Florida is. Cali is the golden state. And the traffic state. Not exactly conducive to creating sunny attitudes.”

“Well, I was born in Pennsylvania. So wouldn’t that make me Little Miss Keystone?”

“Come on. A smile like that?” Maya motioned to her face. “You’re _all_ sun. You practically radiate rainbows and unicorns.”

“Maybe I have a dark side. You don’t know.”

“What would that even look like? A starry night filled with fluffy bunnies and kittens?”

“And butterflies.” Emily added, lifting her brows.

“I like butterflies.” Maya subtly moved her hand closer to Emily’s. Their fingers brushed against one another. Emily cleared her throat and pulled back shyly. It didn’t faze Maya. “They’re actually one of my favorite things in the world. I went to a butterfly sanctuary once and they were everywhere…” Her eyes glazed over with a bright affection. “There were so many. Different sizes, different colors. It was beautiful. They’re really an incredible species. They fight their whole lives to emerge from the shell of their past selves. And when they do they bring this gorgeous gift to the world. It’s rare to find something so amazing…so special.”

She faced Emily. Emily swallowed nervously. The way Maya looked at her made her feel something. She could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks.

They heard footsteps and they turned towards the door. Nate was walking into the room, his eyes glued to something on the chart in his hands.

“Okay, Emily, your bloodwork looks good, so…” He glanced up and saw the two girls sitting side by side. “Maya, you shouldn’t be out of bed.”

“I feel fine.” Maya shrugged.

“That’s not the point.” He frowned at her. “You know the rules.”

“My white cell count is fine.” She waved him off.

“Again, not the point. You know we have different treatment protocols for everyone. You know better than to jeopardize that.”

“God, you’re such a buzzkill.” Maya scoffed. She faced Emily, throwing her thumb up at Nate. “He can’t handle that I’m like an _uber_ mega big deal here.”

Nate shot her a look that looked like a lot more than a doctor scolding his patient.

“Behave.” Nate warned.

“You are _such_ a goody-two-shoes.” Maya stood up. “No wonder mom and dad like me better.”

Emily glanced at Nate, and then she peered at Maya. Then she looked at Nate again. Their likeness was uncanny. She whipped her head towards Maya.

“Wait, he’s…”

“Yeah, my big dumb brother.” Maya walked towards the door.

“Your big dumb brother who is working on trying to save his ungrateful little sister’s life.” He waved her towards the door.

“Catch you later, new girl.” Maya gave her a cheeky grin as she stopped at the door and glanced over her shoulder at Emily.

She gave her brother a defiant look as she disappeared. Nate walked over to Emily’s bedside and put down her chart. He closed the distance between them. Now that she’d met Maya, all she could see when she looked at Nate was her. He put his stethoscope in his ears and lifted the drum of it against her chest.

When he leaned over her she could smell the same scent his sister had. She found herself wondering where Maya had been the last time she’d been here for treatment. She waited until he moved the chest piece of the stethoscope and then she addressed her curiosity.

“I didn’t know you had a sister.”

“Don’t let her tough girl act fool you. She’s a total softie.” Nate put his palm against her shoulder and smiled, putting the stethoscope against her back. “Take a breath for me.”

Emily did as she was told. He nodded in approval. He pulled his stethoscope out of his ears and then faced Emily.

“I’m going to check your lymph nodes, okay?”

Emily nodded. She liked that he told her what was going on. Even though she knew the drill by now, she’d had so many doctors in the past just poke her and touch her without warning. He seemed to be so much more sensitive to her needs. Not to mention, he wasn’t _just_ a doctor anymore. He was Maya’s brother. And for some wild reason she trusted him implicitly.

“You know, my sister is actually the reason I went into medicine,” he massaged the side of her neck, his fingers making gentle circles as he felt for any swelling.

“She said she’s been sick since she was three,” Emily said.

“Never slowed her down a bit.” Nate chuckled.

He had a soft expression on his face. One that told Emily that despite their bickering and despite Maya giving him a hard time...they were close.

“She used to run circles around me when we were younger, even in the hospital. Even when she was tired.”

“So, you guys grew up around medicine?”

“To put it mildly.” He nodded. “Maya seems to think it was my destiny.”

“Looks like she was right.”

“She’s been pushing me since the day she was born.”

“How does a newborn have control over _anything_?”

“Well,” He leaned against the back of the chair next to her bed. “For one thing, she wasn’t breathing when she was born. My mom went into spontaneous labor when she was driving me to camp one day. My dad was at a continuing education seminar fifty miles away. So it was just me and my mom on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I called 911 like she told me to, but Maya was impatient. She didn’t want to wait on the ambulance. It was a difficult labor and mom was passing out, so the 911 operators talked me through what to do. And when she came out and she wasn’t making any noise or moving I realized she wasn’t breathing. They guided me through CPR and a few minutes later she was screaming and red-faced and angry. And she’s been a pain in my neck ever since.”

“Wow. You’d think she’d have a little more respect for you.” Emily laughed.

“You would think that.” Nate nodded with a smile. He stood up.

“So when you got older and she was sick you went to med school for her?”

“I did.”

“You really take your big brother duties seriously.”

“Everyone has a calling. At least that’s what Maya thinks.” He jotted something down in her chart. “You’re in good shape right now, kiddo. As soon as your mom and dad get back I’ll talk to them about our next step, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

“Stay out of trouble until then.” He smiled at her.

Emily nodded, but she had a smile on her face. Nate glanced at Emily and he saw the look in her eyes. He knew that Maya had wormed her way into Emily’s heart already. He knew the two of them were going to be heaps of trouble.

Over the course of the next two weeks the two of them found ways to ditch their families and doctors and sneak off to meet one another. They slowly started to form a friendship that would change their lives and the lives of everyone who knew them.

Sometimes there were days where one or both of them were too tired from their medications or treatments for adventures, so they’d text one another or send covert messages with the nurses, who loved playing along with their game.

Emily’s parents were with her a lot of the time, but she never really talked about Maya to them. It felt like she had something all to herself for once.

Maya knew all the ins and outs of the hospital. She showed Emily all of her favorite hiding places. She showed her the best places to spy on nurses and doctors taking their breaks. Sometimes they’d overhear really good gossip. She also gave Emily inside information on how to sneak into the kitchen in the cafeteria. They’d make off with some of their favorite treats and go to rarely used stairwells or the roof, which was one of Maya’s favorite places. It was supposed to be restricted access, but Maya knew how to bypass everything.

Maya loved everything outdoors. The sun. The sky. The stars. She liked to go out at all times of the day and night. And she took Emily with her sometimes. They’d hang out and eat pudding cups and talk about their favorite movies and what they wanted to do when they were cancer-free.

Maya was very optimistic about her future. She was certain she’d get to go on all kinds of grand adventures. The exploits they had in the hospital were just the beginning for her.

One day she stopped by Emily’s room when Emily’s parents were out to lunch.

“Hey, new girl, wanna have some fun?” Maya leaned against the doorframe.

That’s all she’d had to say to get Emily out of bed.

“You’re going to get me in all kinds of trouble, aren’t you?” Emily asked.

“Hope so.” She grinned.

“Where are your parents?” Emily laughed. “Do they know what a rogue child they have on their hands?”

“Do _yours_?” Maya questioned.

“Not a clue.”

“It’s because you’re an only child. I bet you could get away with murder.” Maya lifted her brows mischievously.

“That’s not what you have in mind, is it?”

“Only if you cross me,” Maya said playfully. She glanced at the clock. “I’ve got about two hours before my parents get back from dinner with my aunt and uncle.”

“What do you have in mind?” Emily questioned.

“I want to show you something.” Maya took her hand.

It startled Emily, because they didn’t often get too close. They weren’t supposed to, because they were both easily susceptible to illness. But Maya was a risk-taker. She pulled Emily along through the corridors of the hospital, careful to avoid the busy areas so they wouldn’t get caught.

They went through an area of the hospital that was closed for construction. Maya slowed down when they got to a cordoned off area. There was a little makeshift tent in the corner past a bunch of building materials and hospital equipment. Emily trailed behind her, a little uncertain.

“Is it safe to be here?” Emily ran her fingers across a film of dust on an old operating table.

“They haven’t worked on this area in months. I think they’re in the middle of a contract battle or something.” Maya walked over to a large sheet draped over a couple of chairs. She pulled the flap open. Inside there was a little LED lantern, a few books, and sketchpads with doodles on them.

“I come here to create.” Maya waved Emily over.

Emily followed her. She looked at some of the sketches. Most of them were of clothing. Maya wanted to be a fashion designer. But she also had journals with poetic phrases written on them. They crawled into the tent. When they settled in, Emily looked at their surroundings again.

“It nice. Quaint.”

“But?” Maya could sense her resistance.

“But…kinda dusty.” She shrugged. “What if this place has like…asbestos or something?”

“What? Are you afraid you’ll get cancer of the cancer?” Maya teased her.

“Good point.” Emily nodded. “Are we going to get in trouble for being here?”

“I swear, you spend way too much time thinking about things. That’s not how you’re supposed to live.” Maya laughed. “Lighten up a little, Fields.”

“Your brother is going to kill us.”

“We’re already dying.”

“Well, that’s inspired.” Emily huffed sarcastically.

“What? It’s true. Dying is a side effect of living. It’s not just us. Everyone has to meet their fate sooner or later. It’s why we should live while we’re alive.” Maya reached back for a small black fabric case. She looked at Emily before unzipping the side. “You mind if I smoke a little weed?”

“Now? _Here_?” Emily asked in surprise.

“Ohhh, is this new girl’s first time?” Maya laughed.

“No.” Emily said, almost defensively. An uneasy bashful smile crossed her face. “Maybe.”

“Am I corrupting you?” Maya asked in excitement.

“No. I just…didn’t know you were into pot.”

“We have cancer, Em. I mean, haven’t you tried it?”

“I was on an experimental trial with it a while back, but I never smoked it. How’d you get your hands on it? I’m guessing this isn’t prescription?”

“I’m from Cali. I know all the right people in the wrong places.” Maya tapped her fingers against the small case. “I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“No. It’s just…won’t we get in trouble for doing this here?”

“Please, there are far worse drugs that are prescribed here every day. Shit that’s worse for us than this. They literally inject us with poison to kill the bad cells. Besides, this is the only thing that even touches the pain in my bones and helps with my nausea. So if it doesn’t bother you…”

“Go ahead.”

She watched as Maya pulled out a long slender thing that looked like a cigarette. It was twisted at the end. Emily wasn’t completely ignorant. She knew what a blunt looked like. Maya pulled out a clear pink lighter. She put the blunt in between her lips and lit up the end. She sucked in a breath and pulled the blunt away from her lips. She held her breath for a few seconds.

“Want to try?” Maya blew some smoke out away from Emily, so as not to get it in her face. “It won’t mess up anything in your treatment or anything. The bloodwork they’re running is for antibodies and markers. They’re not looking for THC.”

Emily stared at it curiously. She’d had a headache for three days straight. It’s not like it could hurt. She surprised Maya when she reached for it.

“Little Miss Sunshine really _does_ have a dark side.” Maya laughed. Her smile faded. “You don’t really have to. I wasn’t trying to pressure you or anything…”

Emily couldn’t help but laugh and roll her eyes. Everyone assumed that just because she had an innocent face that she _was_ innocent. Emily wasted no time in taking a toke. She held her breath for a few seconds before she felt a strange tickling in her throat. She heaved out a cough and then went into a coughing fit. She felt her eyes watering and her throat and lungs burning. She found herself wondering how people did it while managing to look cool. Her coughing settled and she handed it back to Maya.

“You okay?” Maya questioned, a sincerity in her tone.

“Yeah.” Emily cleared her throat. The burning was gone. “I’m good.”

“That was a lot for your first try.” Maya glanced at the crafted cigarette in her hand. She reached over and pulled out a small bottle of water and handed it to Emily. “Drink this. It’ll help with the sore throat.”

Emily recognized the bottle from the cafeteria. She assumed Maya had boosted a bunch of them on a covert operation and now she had her own stash. Emily took several swigs and then put the bottle down. Maya took one more toke and then gently pressed her fingers against the twisted tip to put the embers out.

They stared at one another for a few minutes while they waited for the drugs to kick in. It was Maya who broke first. She peered at Emily and then snickered, laughing at some sort of inside joke that Emily wasn’t privy to.

“What?” Emily asked, her face getting hot in embarrassment. Or perhaps it was from the drugs.

“You’re Emily Blunt now.”

There was a beat of silence and then Emily snorted out a laugh. She didn’t feel anything at first. But then she felt a strange burning sensation in her ears. Her head felt like it was expanding. Her body felt tingly, lighter. Her brain felt relaxed. And the headache she’d been battling for days was nothing more than a tiny little blip on her radar.

She closed her eyes and it felt like she was sinking into the earth. She’d never been high before, not like this. She tilted her head up, her chin pointing towards the ceiling.

Maya watched her, completely entranced by her. Ever since Maya had met her she’d known there was something different about her. She saw the world in a way that Maya had never even thought about.

Maya put the blunt away and grabbed a small canister of hand sanitizer. She sprayed it into her hands, a foam bubble appearing in her palm. Emily opened her eyes and followed her lead. She put the hand sanitizer up and then sprayed a deodorizer around them and then on them, so the smell of the pot wouldn’t linger on them. The finishing touch was breath mints. She gave one to Emily and then popped one into her mouth.

“Thank you,” Emily said.

“No problem. I always have them on me, so if…”

“No. Not for that. For trusting me.” Emily smiled.

Maya smiled back at her.

“I know what I’m getting into with you.” Maya shrugged.

“Oh, really?”

“You’re going to break my heart, new girl. I just know it.” She dramatically threw the back of her hand up towards her forehead and used her other hand to fan herself like she was a dainty dandy girl from the 1920s. It made Emily giggle. “You’d better be worth it.”

“You’re insane.” Emily teased her.

“ _We all go a little mad sometimes._ ”

“Did you just quote Norman Bates at me?”

“ _Psycho_ is one of the most underrated movies of all time. The themes. The plot. The duality. Everything about it was fantastic. Even the set and the wardrobe.” Her eyes suddenly lit up. “That reminds me. I got something for you.” She reached behind a pile of pillows.

“I hope it’s not a knife and a shower curtain. I mean, I liked the movie, but I don’t really want to reenact it…”

Maya laughed and pulled a piece of folded fabric out.

“No murder. I promise. Just fashion.” She started to unfold the clothing. “I saw this and I thought it was the greatest color on the planet.” Maya reached forward and wrapped a red scarf around her neck. “And bright side? It can always double as a hair accessory, just in case.”

Emily looked down. The scarf was already starting to warm her neck up. She stroked it with her fingertips. It felt soft and silky. She couldn’t stop touching it. It took her a few minutes to realize it was the weed enhancing everything.

“It’s beautiful.” Emily smiled. “I feel like Audrey Hepburn.”

“Please.” Maya scoffed. “Audrey Hepburn has nothing on you.”

Emily felt her cheeks get hot again. Maya seemed to do that to her a lot. She knew she was flirting, but she’d yet to say anything back about it. Instead, she acted like a goof. She made several _vogue_ poses and pushed her lips out like someone in Hollywood might do.

“I’m ready for my close up.”

Maya laughed so hard that she snorted. She pushed Emily’s arm playfully.

“You’re such a dork, Emily.”

They fell back against a pile of pillows, both of them rolling on their sides to face one another. Emily was still laughing. Maya was giggling. Emily smiled warmly at her. Their laughter faded. Maya saw a strand of hair that had gone astray. She reached up to move it out of Emily’s face, but then hesitated and pulled back. Emily felt her mouth get dry, and she wasn’t sure if it was a side effect of smoking or if she was nervous. They stared at one another.

“So, when did you know you were in to girls?” Maya questioned curiously.

“What?” Emily asked, flustered by the outright assumption. “How did you…”

“It’s a sixth sense. You pinged my bi-fi the second I met you.”

“Oh, so you’re…”

“Pretty fluid.” Maya nodded. “But I prefer girls.” She smiled. “So, what’s your story?” She paused and then added, “…if you want to tell it. If you’re not comfortable we can talk about something else.” She gave her an out. “God, I totally didn’t mean to out you if you weren’t ready. Sometimes I really don’t think before I speak.”

“No, it’s okay.” Emily felt more than comfortable. “I…” She thought about it. She’d never said it out loud. She kind of knew though. “I think I might be gay.”

“You _think_?”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure. I’ve never had feelings for a boy. I look at them, and I see when someone is handsome or good looking, but it just doesn’t do anything for me. I feel awkward around them. And not that nervous kind of awkward that gives you butterflies in your stomach because you’re thinking about kissing them. It’s like I’m afraid they’re going to want more. And I don’t want to give it to them. Because I don’t like them like that. I figured that out when I was five when I kissed this little boy in my kindergarten class. He was really nice and cute and funny. But I couldn’t make myself feel the way I feel when I see a pretty girl.”

“Is that the only boy you’ve ever kissed?”

Emily cringed.

“No. There was this one boy in my class in middle school who forced me to kiss him. He forced me against the wall and tried to shove his tongue down my throat. I panicked. It made me physically sick to my stomach. I kicked him in the nuts and ran away. I went home sick that day because it made me feel so gross.”

“What an asshole.” Maya’s nostrils flared. “Give me a name and an address. I’ve spent enough time in a hospital to know how to murder someone and make it look like natural causes.”

“You’re terrifying.”

“All four feet of me.” Maya nodded. “What are the cops going to do? Give me a death sentence?”

Emily rolled her eyes with a laugh.

“So, what lucky girl caught the attention of the renowned Mrs. Hepburn?” She played with the scarf on Emily’s neck.

“I was at the pool one day and there was this…blonde girl.” She thought about the little blue-eyed blonde and she felt her cheeks burning. “I remember thinking that she was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen. I was drawn in by everything about her. The way she carried herself. The way the world seemed to revolve around her. And the way she didn’t seem to care what other people thought about her. I watched her all day. Not…not in a creepy way or anything. It was just hard to look anywhere else.”

“Ooh, love at first sight.” Maya twitched in excitement. “I dig that.”

“I mean, I don’t know. Not exactly. I don’t know if she even saw me. There were a lot of people there. The only reason we even talked is because she fell into the water and got in over her head. I jumped in after her and helped her get to the side.”

“Did she throw her arms around you and kiss you and call you her hero?”

“No.” Emily laughed. “We were only five.”

“Wait…hold up. You were giving this girl the puppy dog eyes when you were a fetus? _That_ is adorable.” Maya cooed. “What happened with your little siren of the sea?”

“I don’t know.” Emily sighed. “I think about her sometimes. Dream about her. Wonder where she is and what she’s up to.”

“Girl, that’s what social media is for. You can find out what _anyone_ is up to.”

“I’m not into social media,” Emily said.

“How do you keep up with friends?”

“My best friend Hanna and I talk on the phone all the time. And I go to visit her sometimes, and she comes to visit me. I’ve got some friends in Pennsylvania, but for the most part I’ve moved around so much that the only friends I’ve got are my family and the kids I meet in the hospital.”

“Like me.”

Emily smiled and nodded, a strange shy look on her face. Maya was trying to read her, trying to find out if she wanted more. It would be stupid and reckless, but Maya loved stupid and reckless. Maya inched closer to Emily’s face. Emily took a shaky breath. She got a whiff of Maya’s aroma. She smelled like bubblegum and minty pine. They peered into each other’s eyes.

“Have you ever met anyone who made you feel like that girl at the pool did?” Maya questioned curiously.

“I’ve met pretty girls who make me feel warm and safe. But she wasn’t like that. She was…” Emily tried to think of the right words to describe her. “I don’t just want _safe_. I want passion. And I want to feel my heart going so fast that it feels like there are a thousand butterflies swirling around in my chest.”

“You want a connection.” Maya understood.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “And it’s not easy to find, especially since my parents don’t know about me...being gay. Kinda keeps the romance aspect of my life impossible.”

“That and the cancer.” Maya pointed out.

“You have a way with words.”

“I’ve been told.” Maya finally found the courage to reach out and move the stray hair in Emily’s face.

“Have you ever been in love?” Emily questioned.

“I don’t know.” Maya pondered in thought. “Ask me again in a few weeks.”

Emily moved forward, closing the distance between them. Their lips were so close that they were practically touching.

“Emily, have you ever even kissed a girl?”

Emily smiled nervously.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever told,” she said softly.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Emily reached up to touch Maya’s cheek with her fingertips. They inched closer, but before anything could happen there was a loud clatter and then someone cursing under their breath. The girls shot up. There was another clanging noise around the corner.

“I thought you said no one ever comes in here.” Emily whispered.

“They don’t.” Maya grabbed a pillow, yanking the cheap stuffed pillow out of the case. She grabbed her books and journals and put them in the pillowcase.

“We should get out of here.” Emily reached for Maya’s hand.

“Someone in here?” A voice called out.

They scrambled out of the tent, both of them laughing and out of breath. Maya was gripping Emily’s fingers with one hand and the pillowcase with her other. Emily’s heart was pounding. She felt like she was moving through molasses because of her heightened senses. The walls looked like they were moving. Emily squinted and then blinked hard in the low lighting of the room. Maya took charge, pulling Emily away from her little hiding spot. They stumbled a few feet away, but Emily suddenly dug her heels against the floor.

“Wait. The drugs, Maya,” Emily said hastily.

“Don’t worry about it. I have more.”

“ _So_ not what I meant.”

“Hello?” The voice called.

“This way.” Maya guided Emily through some dated hospital equipment covered in thick plastic.

Emily felt like she was going through an obstacle course. Maya stopped when they reached a door that led to the stairwell. It was chained shut.

“That’s new.” She frowned.

They heard the footsteps getting closer. Emily spun around. She looked towards the unfinished windows and suddenly got an idea.

“Come on.” Emily pulled her towards the windows. “We can use the scaffolding to get over and then take the stairs down.”

“Whoa, this isn’t a circus act, Fields.” Maya pumped the brakes.

“It’s like three feet.” Emily pushed the unfinished window pane open just enough for them to squeeze through. She reached back and took Maya’s hand again. “Live while we’re alive, right?”

“Emily Fields, you are one buckle short of a straitjacket.” Maya shook her head.

But she followed her outside anyway. They got across the scaffolding with no problem. Minutes later they were dashing through the halls, laughing about their gravity-defying act. Maya stopped by her room to drop her things off and then they went back to Emily’s room.

Emily fell back on to the cot next to her bed with a satisfied sigh. She’d never felt more exhilarated in her life. Maya plopped in the chair next to her cot, the chair that Emily’s dad slept in almost every night. They were uncomfortable and not at all practical.

“Not bad for a day’s adventure, huh?” Maya reached up and put her hands underneath her head, her elbows flexing outward. She stared at the ceiling for a few seconds before she turned to face Emily.

“I could get used to it.” Emily nodded eagerly.

“Stick with me and life will never be boring. I’ve only got one stipulation. We don’t get attached. You’re not allowed to fall in love with me.” Maya smirked.

“You drive a hard bargain.” Emily tried to keep a poker face, but she burst into laughter.

Her laughter made Maya laugh. They hung out and talked for a little while, their highs wearing off. Emily was getting settled back into her bed and Maya was just getting ready to leave when they heard someone shuffling towards the room.

“Hey, sweetie, I got you some of that gelato you really like…” Pam stopped mid-sentence, surprised to see Maya in the room. “Oh, I didn’t realize you had company.”

She sounded nervous. But it was only because she knew that the hospital had rules about patients being around one another when they were being treated. Emily quickly tried to smooth it over.

“Mom, this is Maya St. Germain.”

Pam nodded slowly as the name registered.

“St. Germain…”

“My brother.” Maya helped her connect the dots.

“Of course.” Pam smiled. “He’s mentioned you before. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

She went in for a handshake, but Maya was a big hugger. She immediately bypassed Pam’s extended arm and wrapped her arms around her.

“Oh.” Pam uttered out a surprised laugh.

Maya pulled back and smiled at her.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Fields. I was just stopping in to give Emily a scarf I thought she’d like. I have so many of them already.” Maya gave her a charming smile.

Pam fell into her little sugary act. Emily watched as Maya smooth-talked her mother. It was the funniest thing she’d ever seen. And when Maya flittered away Pam watched her go with a curious expression.

“She’s a quirky little thing.” Pam sat down in the chair next to Emily’s bed.

She completely missed the smitten smile on Emily’s face. Emily didn’t even care that they’d probably get in trouble for what they’d done. She kept waiting for Nate to come in and call her out, but when he did finally drop in it was to check on her. He didn’t say anything about her misadventures with his sister.

Emily was exhausted that night, though she found the energy to eat the gelato her mother had brought for her. It was the first time in a long time that she’d been able to finish something that didn’t make her feel like barfing. Sometimes she couldn’t eat regular food. A lot of the time it was because she was nauseated. But she also had procedures where she had to be sedated and she couldn’t eat before them. So when she was actually able to eat something and enjoy it she was happy.

Emily and Maya both had their ups and downs, but they always found joy in being together. When things were rough for one of them, the other was there.

Two weeks after their misadventures, Emily had a seizure and hit her head and had to go in for a procedure to reduce the swelling in her brain. Maya was there with Emily’s parents when she woke up. Nate hadn’t even tried to get her out of the room, because he knew it was no use. Their parents didn’t see the way Maya and Emily looked at one another, but Nate certainly did.

Three weeks later when Maya had a reaction to her chemo and was put in a medically induced coma, Emily read to her every day and talked about all the things she was missing out on. And when Maya woke up the first thing she’d done was teased Emily about her hospital gown, which was covered in baby ducklings. Emily had grabbed it out of the children’s ward after one of the nurses had gotten blood on her favorite shirt.

When Emily had to undergo anesthesia for her biopsies or procedures, Maya would make her a mix tape to listen to when she was coming out of it. When Maya got a poor scan or had to have surgery to scrape the tumor growing on her tibia Emily decorated her room with butterfly décor.

As the weeks went by they played more “getting to know you” games. Maya found out that Emily loved Blues music. Emily found out that Maya was allergic to shellfish. Maya learned that Emily liked old TV shows and musicals because she bonded with her mom and her best friend over them. Emily learned that Maya had a fascination with food…particularly cooking. She dreamed of opening her own restaurant someday.

There was never a dull moment when the two of them were together. They became more than a support system, more than just friends.

Two days before Emily was set to have microblast radiation to shrink the tumor on her optical nerve Maya showed up to her room with the hospital’s therapy dog and a large bag of presents to boost her mood. One pact they’d made to each other was to always try to keep the other positive, because attitude was everything in their situation.

They played with the dog until the handler had to go to another appointment. The visit with the dog made Emily feel a million times better. But Maya didn’t stop there. She wanted to keep Emily company as long as she could.

She pulled out a few family-friendly board games and suggested they play a few rounds. Pam was hesitant at first, because she knew Maya needed to be in her room getting rest, and Emily need downtime, too. But Wayne told her to lighten up. He loved seeing his little girl smile.

Emily took it a step further when she suggested that her parents go take some time for themselves. It was equal parts looking out for her mom and dad _and_ wanting to be alone with Maya. Emily had stayed alone overnight before, but Pam didn’t like to leave her, so it was rare that it happened.

“You and dad should get some rest,” Emily said, taking her mom’s hand. “I’ll be fine. Maya and I can make a girl’s night of it.” She faced her friend. “What do you say, Maya? Do you have plans tonight?”

“Hmm, let me think.” Maya tapped on her chin like she was deep in thought. “If I cancel that trip to Scotland I was planning I think I’ll be in the area.”

Both girls laughed.

“I think it would be fun.” Maya looked at Emily’s parents and then back at Emily. “We could do mani-pedis and dish about the _best_ hospital gossip.”

“Okay.” Wayne spoke up before Pam could decline. “Under one condition.” His face was rigid and hard to read.

They looked at him in anticipation. Sometimes Emily wondered if her dad had figured out the truth about her sexuality.

Wayne’s face softened and he smiled,

“You share that gossip with us when we get back.”

“Deal.” Emily laughed.

An hour later her parents had packed up and left. Maya peered out the door and waved at them innocently as they were walking towards the elevator. The second they turned the corner she turned around and walked over to Emily. She grabbed the bag she’d brought, which had some movies and beauty supplies. She pulled some clothes out of the bottom of the bag and tossed an outfit on to Emily’s bed.

“Put these on. They should be your size.”

“Aren’t we a little old to play dress up?” Emily picked up the shirt.

“We’re going out.” Maya lifted her brows mischievously.

“Wait, like _out_ out?” Emily asked in confusion. “How are we going to pull that off?”

“Your last bed check was twenty minutes ago, right? You’re not due for anything else for another two hours. My next dosage of meds isn’t until ten.”

“You know, if you put half as much effort into your homework as you put into your schemes you could probably get into some place like Harvard or Yale…”

“Like I’m going to college?” Maya scoffed. “When I bust out of here I’m taking a sabbatical. I’m going to travel. Backpack through Europe. See the wonders of the world. Who needs college when you’ve got the world at your fingertips?”

Maya grabbed another outfit from the bag. She let her hospital gown go slack and she pulled a shirt on over her head. She was careful not to jostle her PICC line and her IV port. She put a stylish looking jacket on over her top. She used it to make sure she was fully covered. Then she slipped her hospital bracelet up the sleeve and folded the openings of the sleeves of the jacket up, keeping the bracelet in place. She pulled her jeans over her legs. She quickly fixed one of her wigs atop her head.

“You brought your party wig.” Emily smiled.

“Let’s get our party on.” Maya nodded.

Emily changed out of her hospital clothes and followed her lead. They waited until the coast was clear and then Maya led the way. Emily didn’t actually think they’d get very far, so when they made it out into the ambulance bay without being caught she felt her heart leaping into her chest.

“Where are we going?” Emily whispered.

“You’ll see. Come on.”

Of all the places that Emily thought they might end up, she did not expect it to be a college party. When she followed Maya through the door she was sure that everyone there would take one look at them and know how incredibly young they were. They were just kids. But everyone was too drunk and too stoned to notice.

They spent half an hour playing games and watching drunk college kids do wild flips into the pool and tap kegs.

They stayed away from the alcohol and the drugs and kept an eye on each other. For a while, they were in their own little bubble. But then a couple of bitchy sorority sisters singled them out.

“You’re not _our_ pledges.” A tall curly-haired brunette sneered at the smaller girls. “Who are you?”

“What’s it to you?” Maya asked defensively.

“Do you _hear_ this bitch?” The brunette asked the two girls flanking her. She stared at the wig atop Maya’s head. “What’s with the dead rat on your head? A fashion statement?”

“Looks a hundred times better than your face.” Maya clapped back.

“What did you say to me, you little shit?”

Emily put herself between Maya and the girls.

“We just came to have a good time.” Emily tried to play peacemaker.

“Oh, you want to have a good time?” She asked in a taunting manner. “I’ll show you a good time. Girls, grab the hot wax and the feathers.” She reached out and closed her hand around Maya’s wrist and pulled her forward.

Seeing Maya being manhandled unleashed something primal inside of Emily. She didn’t stand for _anyone_ hurting the people she cared about.

“Let her go!” Emily’s face flushed red in anger.

She reached over and grabbed a cup full of beer. When the girls turned around Emily showered them with the contents. The girl who had a grip on Maya let her go and Maya backed away from her.

“Ugh, what the fuck?” The dark-haired leader snarled. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

“That’s none of your business.” Emily stood in front of Maya protectively.

“How old are you?” One of the girl’s eyed them suspiciously. She had a bitchy façade, but unlike her Queen Bee, she looked like she was all talk.

“Let’s just say a number higher than your IQ.” Maya shrugged.

“Huh?” The blonde next to her slurred drunkenly.

Emily saw the girls closing in again. She quickly thought on her feet.

“Oh, crap, the cops are here.”

When the girls spun around, she grabbed Maya’s hand and they disappeared into the crowd. They went looking for a place to lie low for a few minutes, finding a quiet area with a photobooth.

“See, that’s why I don’t want to go to college. Makes people so entitled.” Maya shook her head. “Hey, thanks for having my back.”

“No problem.”

“I didn’t mean to put you in the line of fire. Normally I know how to handle them. They just caught me off-guard. Girls like that are always the same.”

“You deal with a lot of girls like that?” Emily asked.

“Uh, no. I usually run from those girls.”

“You seem like a person who wouldn’t run from anyone.” Emily was surprised.

Maya didn’t respond. She just pulled Emily behind the curtain of the photobooth. They sat down inside.

“So, what should we do?” Maya looked at the camera. “Silly faces?” She glanced at Emily and stuck her tongue out and winked at her. “Or _serious_ faces?” She stuck her lips out into a pout and gave her best sultry look.

“Let’s just wing it.” Emily pressed a button. It started counting down from 15, giving them time to think it over.

“If these turn out good I might slip it to the DMV when I get my license. I’m not exactly photogenic. In most of my pictures I skip scary and go straight to Snooki.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I hate the way I look in pictures. Kinda makes me glad I’m going to go blind.” She tried to brighten Maya’s spirits.

“Oh, please. You’ve probably never taken a bad photo in your life. You’re crazy beautiful.”

They glanced at one another as the ticker reached zero. Maya pulled Emily in close to her face and they both mugged for the camera. They snickered. The screen started counting down again. This time it was 7 seconds. They both stuck their tongues out and made the silliest faces they could think of. They posed like models in the third photo.

Emily looked at Maya as the clock started counting down again. She brushed the backs of her knuckles against Maya’s face. Maya reached up with the palm of her hand and cupped her cheek. Emily moved in to kiss her as the last flash went off, capturing their picture. Emily pulled back and saw Maya smiling.

“Let’s see how they turned out.” Maya moved towards the curtain and climbed out of the booth.

Emily’s whole face felt hot. She’d never done anything like that before. When she followed Maya out she saw her admiring the snapshots.

“Aww, we look cute.” Maya showed Emily before pocketing the strip.

Maya didn’t say anything about the kiss as they walked towards the large kitchen area. There were all kinds of dishes set out for people to pick and choose from. It was like a potluck dinner. Maya spotted something that looked good to her. She knew she’d probably be puking it up later, but she didn’t care. She was here to have a good time.

“Is that squid?” Emily noticed a dish that looked like onion rings.

“Seems like this place has some connections.” Maya was impressed.

They sat down on two empty bar stools. Neither one of them said anything for a few seconds. Emily felt a strange tension in the air.

“Hey, back in the photobooth…was I…was that too forward?” Emily frowned, worried that she’d screwed something up.

“Relax, Em. I wanted to. I’m not going to run away screaming or anything.” Maya smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She put her elbows down against the kitchen island. “I’m not leaving until I get my calamari.”

“So, I rank below seafood.” Emily pushed her playfully. “Good to know.”

“Took you long enough, new girl.” Maya smiled. “I thought you’d never make a move.”

Emily smiled back at her.

They topped off their evening by eating some of their favorite foods, which they both knew they were going to regret in the morning.

After that they made their way back to the hospital. Emily’s room was just as they’d left it. They changed out of their party gear. Emily had just gotten back into bed when her nurse came in with her evening meds.

Shortly after that Nate came in for his rounds. He could tell that the two of them had been up to something.

“Do I want to know?” he asked.

“Probably not.” Maya shook her head.

“What’s it going to take for you to get it through that thick skull of yours to stop being so reckless?” He sighed.

“It was my idea.” Emily piped in.

“Nice try.” Nate shook his head with a laugh. “But I know that guilty face.” He shook his finger disapprovingly at his little sister.

“Be nice to me. I have cancer.”

“Ah, no. You can’t pull that card with me.” Nate scolded her. “Get back to bed, Maya.”

“But we were gonna have a sleepover.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh, come on. Can’t you find it in your heart to let us have the movie marathon of our dreams?” Maya plucked some movies out of her bag. “ _Please_?” She stuck her lips out in a pout.

Nate frowned at her. They had a mini stare-off. Nate blinked first.

“Alright, _one_ movie.”

Emily and Maya both squealed in excitement. Nate checked Emily’s ocular pressure and did his exam. He told them he would be watching them and that they needed to be careful about getting too close. He didn’t want either one of them getting sick. He was most concerned about Emily since she had a radiation treatment coming up. He looked at them one last time before leaving them to their own devices.

Maya popped the movie in to the old beat up DVD player that Emily’s dad had set up for her.

“You really know how to work your brother.” Emily laughed.

“He’s a total sucker for the puppy dog eyes.” Maya smiled. “So, do you have a side?” She asked, sitting down on the hospital cot.

“What?”

“Of the bed.”

“I kind of sleep in the middle.” Emily swallowed nervously.

“What a coincidence. I kind of sleep in the middle, too.”

Maya wasn’t shy about climbing into bed next to her. Emily didn’t say anything. They watched a little bit of the movie.

“Maya?” Emily asked.

“Hmm?”

“What does tonight mean? I mean…for us?”

Maya turned to look at her, their faces close. For a few seconds she just stared at her, a soft expression on her face. Emily got lost in her mischievous brown eyes.

“I like to live my life in the gray area,” Maya said, reaching up to draw a pattern of swirls against Emily’s arm. “But the way I feel about you is crystal clear.” She smiled. “I’ve never had that before.”

“Neither have I.”

“Then I guess we’ll figure it out together.”

“What about your rule? We’re not supposed to fall in love.”

“You’re so impossibly naïve. I can’t believe you thought there was any other outcome.”

“Hey!” Emily cried playfully. She gently pushed Maya.

“Was that our first fight?” Maya teased.

“I don’t know, but I _am_ about to kick you out of bed.” She laughed.

“Guess it’s the couch for me then.”

But Emily didn’t kick her out. They cuddled up innocently and watched their movie.

That night changed everything. They were inseparable. As the weeks turned into months, they saw one another at their best and at their worst. And they lived with the knowledge that one day it could be their last time seeing one another.

  ***** 16 months later *****

Emily was having a tough time sleeping, because Maya had ended up in the ICU after she’d developed an infection after her latest procedure. So when Emily heard a commotion outside her room at 2 AM that Thursday morning she shot up in bed. She watched several doctors and nurses run by, towards the ICU.

Her first instinct was to climb out of bed. She grabbed her IV pole and started to get up. She felt a gentle pair of hands on her, carefully guiding her back to her bed.

“Emmy, go back to sleep.” She heard her dad in the darkness.

“What’s going on?” Emily asked. When she started to look towards the hallway again she saw the door to her room starting to block it. Her mother quietly closed it. “Is it Maya? Is she okay?”

“I’m sure she’s fine.” Pam tried to keep Emily from freaking out.

“Yeah.” Wayne rubbed Emily’s arm. “Someone probably just brought some doughnuts to the break room or something.”

Emily wasn’t stupid. She’d spent enough time in hospitals. She knew a crash code when she saw one. She knew the doctors were trying to save someone. She also knew that making a run for it was out of the question. Her parents would stop her before she could even get to the door.

She tried to argue with them, but she was too tired. So she ended up rolling over in her bed and grumbling under her breath. She didn’t get any sleep that night.

The next morning she gave her parents the slip. Her father had gone to grab breakfast and her mother was in the bathroom. Emily unhooked her IV and made a frantic dash down the hallways, breathing heavily the entire time. She had no idea how she was going to get into the ICU, but she knew she had to get there.

She slipped into the on-call room and rooted around in the lost and found until she found a badge. Maya had been the one who had told her about it. Doctors and nurses dropped their badges all the time. She used it to get into the ICU and made a beeline for Maya’s room.

She found it empty.

Her chest felt tight. She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She scurried out of the ICU and made it to a waiting room before she collapsed into a chair and started to hyperventilate. She sat there and cried for several minutes. She managed to pull herself together and slowly started making her way back to her room.

When she was halfway there she heard a familiar voice.

“Em?”

She spun around when she heard her. Maya was sitting in a wheelchair, her leg in a cast.

“Maya!” Emily exclaimed, rushing to her side. “Are you okay? I thought…” She shuddered, “I went to the ICU and I couldn’t find you…”

She moved forward and reached for her, but Maya held her hand up and shook her head. She was all for holding her hand, but even she knew that it wasn’t a good idea when they were both weak and vulnerable.

“Don’t. I might still be contagious.”

Emily could tell that she still didn’t feel well, and she could see that she was hurting. Sometimes in order to get at Maya’s aggressive cancer the orthopedic doctors had to break her bones and pin them back together. It left her with a lot of pain. But she carried it well.

“Then what are you doing out of bed?” Emily gave her a soft look.

“I wanted to see you,” Maya replied. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She glanced at the ground. “I heard that someone died. I was scared it was you.”

Emily sighed and sat down in a chair a few feet away from her. She nodded silently.

“I heard them come by my room last night.” She looked up at Maya. “I thought it was you.”

“Well, fret not, new girl. We live to see another day.” Maya smiled weakly.

But someone else didn’t get to live to see another day. Emily looked down at the floor with tears in her eyes. Sometimes she felt overwhelmed by her emotions. She was still shaky thinking about losing Maya. And about her own mortality. For the most part she looked on the bright side, but sometimes it was hard for her to contain her feelings.

“Em? What’s wrong?” Maya asked. She had to stop herself from moving closer to her.

“I don’t want to die,” Emily said softly.

“We all die.” Maya shrugged.

Emily huffed out a sad laugh. She couldn’t force herself to look at Maya. She didn’t want her to see the pain in her eyes. She cleared her throat and wiped her nose before taking a calming breath.

“Your brother is going to rip into you if you don’t get back to your room.”

“Psh, I’m not afraid of him.” She smiled weakly.

“Well, are you afraid of me?” Emily asked. “Because if you don’t get your butt back in bed and get some rest I’m going to beat you with an IV pole.”

“You’d have to catch me first.” Maya smirked. “And I’ve got wheels now.” She rubbed her fingers against the chair’s wheel. “I’ll come see you as soon as I get the all clear.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, pushing herself to stand up.

“We’ll be off on new adventures in no time.”

Emily smiled and nodded in agreement. But she knew that they were both getting sicker. Maya knew it, too. But neither one of them felt at liberty to say it.

They had an unspoken understanding. They didn’t talk about their possible demise, no matter how bad things looked. They tried to focus on the good things. Even when their cancer slowed them down they still found ways to be together.

  ***** 6 weeks later *****

New life was breathed into the children’s ward when Maya’s brother took on an unexpected new patient. A little girl. Three months old. She’d survived a terrible wreck that had killed her parents. When she was in the ER they’d flagged some of her bloodwork as abnormal.

Emily and Maya were curious about the baby. Nate had been pretty tight-lipped about the whole situation, just because he wasn’t allowed to talk about it. But that didn’t stop Emily and Maya from investigating it.

They waited until Nate was on call and then they slipped into the small nursery where the newest addition was being held for observation.

Nate was by the crib, listening to the little girl’s heart. She was in a standard white and pink onesie. She was kicking her legs and cooing under her breath. She had a rattle in one hand and was suckling her fingers with her other.

Nate glanced over and saw them. He wanted to tell them to go back to their rooms, but he knew they wouldn’t listen. Instead he waved them over, because he knew the sooner he introduced them to the baby the sooner they’d leave.

“Baby Doe?” Maya looked at the placecard at the front of the crib. “Oh, no. That will _not_ stand. She needs a better name than that.”

“She’s so cute.” Emily stepped up next to Nate.

The little girl turned to her. Emily waved and smiled and the little girl giggled.

“Looks like you’re not the new kid anymore, Em.” Maya walked to the other side of the crib. “How old is she?” She looked over at her brother.

“We’re estimating around 3 to 4 months. We don’t know much about her history.”

“She looks so happy.”

“She’s a very good baby.” Nate nodded. “Unlike _some_ babies.”

“Hey, it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t breathing, okay?” Maya rolled her eyes.

The baby looked at Emily and cooed. The infant was really fascinated by her.

“Hi.” Emily cooed back.

“She’s really adorable.” Maya smiled. “Can we keep her?”

“She’s not a puppy, Maya.” Nate shook his head and laughed at his little sister.

Emily rested her hand against the edge of the crib. The baby girl hadn’t missed the motion. She dropped the rattle and reached out and latched on to Emily. She gripped Emily’s fingers and babbled. And Emily felt an instant connection to her.

She let the baby squeeze her fingers as Nate continued his exam. The baby pulled her fingers out of her mouth and grabbed her rattle again. It took her a few tries, but she finally had a grip on it. She started moving it around, hitting Nate’s arm in the process. She dropped the rattle again and then started kicking her feet.

“She’s feisty.” Emily laughed.

“Like a little tiger.” Maya agreed.

“Like…Tiger Lily from Peter Pan!”

“We can call her Lily.” Maya’s eyes lit up in excitement.

“Again, girls, _not_ a puppy…”

“Of course not.” Maya picked up the rattle. “We dub you, honorary little sister, Lily the Lovebug.” Maya pretended to knight the little girl.

The baby’s mouth widened in a toothless grin.

“The fairest maiden in all the land.” Emily put on a pretend fairytale voice. It seemed to soothe her.

“Alright, you two have had your fun.” Nate eyeballed them both. “I need to get back to work here.”

“We’ll see you soon little Lily.” Maya handed her back her rattle.

“We are NOT calling her that…” Nate argued.

“Well we’re certainly not going to call her ‘ward of the state’.” Maya scoffed.

“Go back to your room, Maya.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“I have a hospital badge that says otherwise.” Nate ordered. “Just go. Wren is coming by to give you your treatment in twenty minutes. Don’t squirt him with the IV line again. I have to work with these people.”

“God, you’re no fun.” Maya snorted at her brother as they walked out of the room.

“Hey, wash and sanitize your hands!” He called out after them.

It had only taken them those few precious moments to fall in love with the little girl.

They checked in on her daily. When Emily’s vision wasn’t giving her problems she liked to read her bedtime stories. She was always very careful not to get too close, because she knew the baby’s immune system was compromised. But she didn’t like to let a day go by without seeing her.

Even when Emily and Maya were bedridden themselves they asked about her. That little baby had brought something special to the cancer ward. She brought a newfound form of hope.

It gave Emily the optimism she needed when the day came when she went in for surgery to try and excise the tumor on her optical nerve. She’d been hesitant about it, because she understood the risks, but she also knew it was her only shot.

She was steadily starting to lose her vision. Her headaches were incapacitating. She was having more frequent seizures. She was losing function of her hands and her coordination in general. And on top of it all she was having trouble with her memory. She could also see the way her parents looked at her, that fear of losing her. She knew that the surgery wouldn’t fix everything, but that it would give her a chance at life.

When the day came, Nate brought their favorite little baby by for good luck. And Maya walked with her to the surgery suite. She promised to be by her side when she woke up. Letting go of Maya’s hand was the hardest thing Emily had ever done. But they wouldn’t let her go into the surgery area with her. Emily reached up and played with Lily’s toes. She giggled. Nate passed the infant off to a nurse and went to talk to the rest of the doctors on Emily’s team.

Right before the anesthesiologist was getting ready to sedate her Nate came in to be by her side for moral support.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m fine. It’s not like this is brain surgery or anything.”

“That’a girl.” He smiled.

Emily tried to put on a brave face, but underneath it all she was shaking. Her brave façade slipped for a few moments.

“Nate…” She reached out for his hand. She felt his hand graze her fingers. “If I die…tell Maya…tell her I love her. And tell my parents how much I love and appreciate them. And take care of Lily. Promise me you’ll take care of Lily.”

“You’re not going to die,” he assured her. “And we still haven’t landed on a name for Baby Doe.” He tried to tease her a bit to lighten the mood.

“We’re training her to answer to the name, so you might as well go along with it.” Emily smiled at him.

“Dr. St. Germain?” Someone called for his attention.

“Hang in there, kid. I have to go get scrubbed up.” He let go of her hand. “But don’t be scared, okay? I’ll be here the whole time.”

Emily nodded. She watched him leave and minutes later she was breathing in a funny smelling gas that knocked her out.

The surgery was grueling and taxing for everyone, including Emily. The recovery had been hard. But she persisted.

Over the next several months she eventually started to regain control of her motor functions. Her memory was still very much intact. Her headaches and seizures decreased. Even her vision was stable. Not perfect, but stable. She was relieved to find out they’d gotten 85% of the tumor.

Nate talked about submitting her case for a trial that would eradicate the remaining 15%. Emily had been very excited about it at first. But then she found out that Maya was up for the same trial. And she didn’t feel right. She felt like she was taking it away from her. She was worried because she was stable, but Maya was getting sicker. She wanted Maya to have the same opportunity to get better.

When she was starting to feel a bit better she started questioning her medical plan going forward. Nate had gone over the qualifications for the trial. But Emily kept telling him she didn’t want to be in the trial.

“What about Maya?” Emily asked.

“There’s only room in the trial for one case…”

“So pick her.”

“It doesn’t work like that, Emily.” He put his hand on top of hers to steady her. He could see she was upset. “Look, the board chooses the person who they think has the best chance…”

“You just picked me because she’s your sister and you can’t pick her.”

“No, that’s not…”

“What happens if I say no?”

“Well, unfortunately, it’s not just up to you. I’ve already spoken with your parents. And they’re on board.”

“She’s been here longer. She’s sicker. She needs it more.”

“That’s not the criteria…”

“No, _I’m_ not the criteria.” She argued with tears in her eyes. “What makes me anymore special than she is? She’s your _sister_.”

“This wasn’t an easy decision…”

“Then go back and make the right one.”

“We did. I know we did.”

There was a tense silence in the room.

“It came down to you, didn’t it? You were the deciding vote?”

“It was a group effort.” Nate tried to play it off.

“You picked me because you were forced to.” That wasn’t fair to Maya. “Not because you wanted to…”

“No.” He shut down her self-hatred. “I had all of the data, all of the facts. I looked at it on paper. I saw you, and I saw her…and you were the one I needed to pick. I know it’s a lot to shoulder. I do. And I know how you feel, but you have to understand that this about more than just Maya. This is my job, Emily.”

“No, your job is to make sure your sister lives.”

“She’s not my only patient.” He sighed, trying to get her to understand his decision. He knew what it meant for Maya, but he stood by it. Emily had a better chance of survival. She was the better candidate for the trial. “You’re so young…”

“So is she.”

“Look, I’ll…I’m going to figure something else out for her. Trust me. I will.”

“You promise?” Emily asked.

Nate sighed heavily. The fact that he couldn’t guarantee anything made her feel nauseous. She knew the reality of the situation. But that didn’t stop her from hoping for a different outcome.

Later that afternoon when she was hanging out with Maya she told her the exact same thing she’d told Nate.

“I don’t want it, Maya. You should take the spot in the trial.”

And Maya responded in the exact same manner as her brother.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.”

“Well, if you’re not getting the treatment then neither am I. We’re in this together.”

“That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.” Maya gave her hell.

If she was within reach she would have smacked Emily. But they were keeping their distance because Maya was getting a treatment that made her susceptible to getting infections. Emily had to beg her way into Maya’s room. The nurse had made her put on a gown and gloves and a mask. Emily was happy to do it, because she needed to see Maya. Maya shifted in her bed, rolling slightly so she could keep eye contact with Emily.

“You’re scared. I get it.”

“No, it’s not about that.” Emily argued. “I can’t…I don’t want to take this chance away from you.”

She was watching the girl wither away before her very eyes. She’d seen it in cancer patients before, but with Maya it was different.

“Emily…” She sighed softly. “You are one of the kindest purest souls I have ever met. The world needs you.”

“The world is big enough for both of us.”

“Don’t you worry about me. I’ve got more lives than a cat. I’ve been worse than this before.”

It was the first time she’d ever lied to Emily. Since they’d met they’d been nothing but truthful with one another. But for the sake of Emily’s sanity, she needed her to believe she was going to get better.

Emily bit her lip. She wanted to fight her. She wanted to force her to take her spot in the trial. She wanted to scream and cry and make a scene. But she also knew that arguing with Maya St. Germain was no use. Even if Emily found way to bow out of the trial, Maya would find a way to force her to do it. She sighed and looked at the floor.

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Don’t go into it thinking like that.” Maya frowned. “You’ve kicked this thing in the ass before. You’ll do it again. Second verse as same as the first.” Her frown twisted into a smile. “You’re getting a third shot at life. Don’t screw it up.”

Emily sniffled, a tear tracing down her cheek.

“Nate says he’s going to figure something out for you.”

“If anyone can do it, he can.”

“If I wasn’t here this wouldn’t be happening.”

“No.” Maya cut her off. “My brother knows what he’s doing. Just trust him.”

“This coming from someone who called him a knock-off McDreamy with a McDouche face two days ago?” Emily laughed through her tears.

Maya nodded with a smile.

“He knows I said it with love.” She yawned. Emily could see that she was fading. “I think I’m going to take a nap.” Maya’s head sank further back into her pillow. “Why don’t you go check in on our favorite ward of the state? Read her a story for me.”

Emily nodded and reached out with her gloved hand, putting her fingers on top of Maya’s. Maya flipped her hand over and squeezed Emily’s palm.

“Everything will be okay, Em.”

Emily didn’t believe her, but she tried to be hopeful anyway. She went to visit little Baby Doe, whom Nate had stubbornly refused to name. They called her Lily anyway. One of the nurses was checking her vitals. When Lily saw Emily coming she started bouncing and flailing her arms excitedly.

“Em…em…em.” It was all she really knew how to say. She babbled sometimes, but she was very consistent with Emily’s name.

Emily was always in a good mood when she saw the baby. The little girl adored her, and Emily adored her, too. When the nurse was done she smiled at Emily and handed Lily over to her, who was reaching for her already.

It ended up being perfect timing because seconds after she’d passed the baby off there was a chiming noise and a code being called to the ICU. Emily flinched, sitting down with Lily in her lap.

“I really should…”

“I’ll watch her for a little while.” Emily quickly interrupted her.

She hated hearing the codes being called. She always felt the loss, even if she didn’t know the person. She’d seen a lot of them over the years. It was all hands on deck when someone was dying. The nurse told Emily to sit tight and then rushed out, closing the door behind her.

Emily could hear the sirens outside and she could hear footsteps rushing down the hall. It was times like these that reminded her she was in a hospital. The baby started to cry. She could sense it, too. Emily shushed her and sang to her.

It calmed both of them down. Lily was always happy with her. And Emily needed the magic of baby smiles.

She spent the next several days going between Maya’s room and Lily’s nursery. Her girls…they were the three musketeers. And Nate was the one who tied them all together. He’d really taken her under his wing. They gave her strength and a tight sense of family, at least her hospital family.

Over the course of her treatment Nate had come to see Emily as the little sister he never had. When Maya threw it out there that he _had_ a sister, he’d retorted, _“No, I believe she disowned me when she was seven.”_

 _“I said take-sies back-sies!”_ Maya had argued.

Emily loved watching them bicker. She’d gotten as close to Nate as she had to Maya, but not in the same way. She had never had a brother. She had a sister in her best friend Hanna, but it felt like Nate had stepped into the role of her brother quite naturally.

Emily confided a lot in Nate. She didn’t want Maya to see her scared or upset, so she talked to him about her fears. Nate didn’t mind. He’d gotten used to being a therapist on top of a doctor. A lot of his patients talked to him. He was easy to open up to.

The first treatment was hell on Emily. She was exhausted. She couldn’t walk from her bed to the bathroom without getting winded. She had frequent headaches, though none nearly as bad as they’d been before the surgery. And she was nauseated so often that they’d had to discuss putting in a feeding tube, though it fortunately didn’t come to that. She powered through.

Maya was her biggest supporter. When Emily was at her absolute worst Maya was in her corner telling her to keep going. And she did it all without even being in the same room with her. She’d begged Nate to let her and Emily share a room, but he told her no. So instead, the girls talked on the phone and texted all the time. Sometimes they’d pass notes to the nurses and send each other gifts.

The second she was allowed visitors, Maya was there. It took a bit of time before Emily was back to her old self, but Maya was patient with her.

Emily actually felt well enough at Thanksgiving to have a feast with her family and Maya’s family. Neither girl ate much, but they enjoyed each other’s company. Emily wanted to spend as much time as she could with Maya before she had to do her second treatment.

She was so busy smiling at Maya that she didn’t notice how odd their parents were acting. If she had, it would have been her first clue. Later, when the adults were talking, Maya and Emily went to Maya’s room. The fact that none of the adults objected to them being alone together should have been her second clue.

“Wanna go look at the stars?” Maya questioned as she put a robe on over her gown.

“While I still can, yes.” Emily took her hand.

They went out to the roof, Emily slowing a few times to let Maya catch up.

They sat outside quietly staring at the stars above them. Emily had to blink several times to see them clearly, but when she did she was in awe.

“Em?” Maya questioned.

Emily turned to face her and saw that she had a strange look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked. “Are you cold? We can go back in…”

“No. It’s not that.” Maya shook her head. She reached into the oversized pocket on the robe and pulled out a tiny notebook. One of her journals. She was always doodling something. “Can I read you something I wrote?”

“Sure.”

“It’s called _‘that night’_.” Maya glanced at the flowery paper in the small notepad. She couldn’t force herself to look at Emily.

That should have been her third clue.

“Dire moments, last goodbyes. Your kisses dance like fireflies.”

Emily blushed. Their first kiss. It had meant so much to her. It had been the first time she’d felt truly empowered by her sexuality.

“I’m gone tonight to a dark unseen. I wish to take your light with me. You were my first, but it won’t be our last.”

Emily felt a shift in the air. A cold wave washed over her.

“Time travels until it’s in the past. You’d think our love was some thickening plot. They don’t know it’s all we’ve got.”

Emily felt the words sinking deep into her heart. And she felt an ache in the pit of her stomach. She looked at Maya’s face. Her eyes, once bright and vibrant, were tired and dull and full of tears.

“Maya, what is this?” Emily frowned.

Maya sighed, putting her journal down. Emily felt her heart hammering against her chest.

“My treatments aren’t working anymore, Em.” She looked at the sky to keep her tears from falling. “I’ve got a couple of weeks at best.”

“But…there’s…there’s more. I’m proof of that.”

“It’s too late.” Maya shook her head. “My last scan…” She sighed. “It’s really bad. It’s in my lungs. My bones. Everywhere.” She frowned. “It kinda sucks.”

 _This can’t be happening._ Emily stared at her in shock.

But she could see it. She could see it on her face. In her eyes. She could see it.

They both broke down that night. Neither of them had any idea just how quickly she would decline. They didn’t know that Maya wouldn’t make it to Christmas, her favorite holiday.

  ***** 3 weeks later *****

Maya’s decline had made Emily’s second treatment so much harder. She didn’t have the same hope and optimism that she’d had when she was going into her first one. She didn’t get quite as sick with her second treatment. She’d felt well enough to visit Maya and decorate her room for the holiday.

They exchanged gifts and Emily rallied enough to sing some Christmas carols before she ran out of steam. She told Maya they were only a week and a half away from Christmas and that she had to hold on. That night, she laid beside Maya’s bed for hours.

It was the last night she had with her before she died. The next morning she found out that Maya had been moved to the ICU. She’d been having trouble breathing and her stats were crashing so they’d transferred her.

Emily’s parents were in the cafeteria getting breakfast when Nate came in to do his rounds. Emily saw the look on his face and the bags under his eyes and she knew something was wrong.

“Is she…” Emily was shaking so badly that her bed creaked beneath her.

“No. Not yet. But…it’s bad.” Nate clenched his jaw. “She’s not going to make it much longer.”

“I want to see her.”

“Emily, you’re still very susceptible to illnesses. Your body hasn’t fully recovered. With the meds you’re on and your low antibodies…”

“ _Please_.” Emily pleaded desperately.

It broke his heart to hear the desperation in her tone.

“I can’t go against hospital policy,” he said. Before Emily could blow up at him he pulled his badge off and laid it against the table next to her bedside. “I also can’t help it if a patient happens to find my keycard to the ICU after it falls out of my pocket.” He glanced at her.

Emily nodded.

“Thank you.”

“Wear a mask and gloves. Your immune system is still weak.” He glanced at the clock. “And don’t take too long. I can only cover for you for so long before the nurses wise up. Not to mention, my mom and dad will be here any minute, too.”

He’d never get over feeling guilty for sending them home to get some rest. Because they’d never see their little girl alive again.

“In and out, okay?” he said. “I mean it.”

She nodded. She waited a few minutes after Nate left and then she pushed herself out of bed and checked the hallway to make sure it was clear. She knew the back way to the ICU and since she had Nate’s keycard she could get through the locked door. She quietly slipped through the hallways, making sure to avoid the on-call nurses and doctors.

She made it into the ICU without being spotted. She tiptoed down the hallway, listening for the chatter of the staff at the nurses station. There was only one nurse because of the shift change. She quietly walked behind her and made her way towards Maya’s room.

She stopped when she got to the little whiteboard that had Maya’s name on it. She peered inside to make sure no one was there to catch her. The whole staff knew her and if they found her they’d haul her away before she had a chance to see Maya.

Emily had forgotten all about Nate’s safety and sterility talk. All she saw was Maya glistening with sweat and withering away. She rushed over to her bedside. Maya looked up at her in confusion.

“Emily?” Maya saw her. “You’re here? But they said…”

“Broke some rules.” Emily leaned next to her bed, taking her hand in hers and sweeping her other hand over her sweaty forehead.

“I’ve taught you well.” She was wheezing. She reached up to pull her oxygen mask off, but Emily stopped her.

“Maya, just…hold on, okay? Your parents are coming…”

“They won’t make it.” Maya cut her off.

Emily felt tears stinging her eyes.

“I screwed up.” Maya uttered.

“What?”

“I broke my own rule. I fell for you.” She rubbed Emily’s cheek. “I fell for you so hard.”

“I know.” Emily nodded, tears falling down her cheeks. “Me too.” She took a heavy breath. “I’m sorry, Maya. I’m so…”

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine.” She huffed. “I’m so damn irresistible. I should have known you’d fall in love with me, too.”

Emily laughed through her tears.

“I need you to promise me something…” Maya’s forehead scrunched up. Emily could tell she was in pain.

Emily was shaking. She couldn’t contain her emotions.

“I’m sorry. I can’t believe this is happening, Maya. I’m so sorry.”

“I need you to promise me you won’t blame him. I would have done the same thing. He knows you are something special, Emily Fields.” She had a strange serene smile on her face.

“I’m not.” She could taste snot dripping down the back of her throat. “I’m really not.” She wiped her nose. She looked around for help that she knew would never come. Because there was nothing anyone could do. They were alone. They were truly alone. Emily fought back a cry. “God, I never should have taken that spot in the stupid trial.”

“It’s okay.” Maya interrupted her.

Emily lowered her head. Her body was shaking. She was freezing. But then she felt Maya’s hand against her cheek. It was strangely warm.

“Tell him it’s okay. Tell him I love him. And please make sure he takes care of himself. Because he gets so caught up that he forgets sometimes. I need you to look out for him. God bless him, that fool needs someone to look out for him. I need you to promise me that.”

Emily let out a quiet cry and then nodded.

“I promise.”

“And promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” Her fingers grazed Emily’s cheek. “And Lily.”

“He vetoed Lily, remember?” Emily sniffled with a saddened laugh.

“He’ll come around.” She smiled. “He always does.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” Emily choked back a cry.

“You’re going to be incredible. You’re going to do incredible things.” She took a harsh breath. “Live a life not only you’ll remember, but one _others_ will remember,” Maya said. “Live for me, okay? Take risks. Jump into the deep end after blondes at the pool. Love…love hard.”

“I will.”

Maya had just enough strength to reach over and touch Emily’s side, her fingers curling against her ribs, her thumb brushing just to the left of her bellybutton. Emily felt the electricity from her touch. It lasted only seconds. She pulled away and groaned out a noise that didn’t sound even remotely normal.

“Maya?”

Maya’s eyes found Emily’s through the darkness.

“I’m scared, Em.” Her soft brown eyes were filled with tears.

Emily had never seen her cry. It gutted her. A sob ripped from Emily’s throat. Her fearless Maya. The girl who had never had a problem testing her limits, who had never been afraid of anything in life. She’d never known fear until today.

She’d always told Emily that people weren’t really afraid of the dark. They were scared of what was in it. Now that she was facing that darkness she truly understood that. How could someone not be afraid of what happened when their world went dark? How could someone not be afraid of the unknown? Maya started hyperventilating. Her lips trembled as she looked at Emily for help.

“Hey, don’t be scared.” Emily managed to choke out, holding back her sobs. “Just…just focus on me.” She tried to keep Maya’s mind off of the inevitable. “Remember…remember what you told me when we first met?”

Maya smiled.

“Every word, new girl.” Maya’s face tightened in thought. “We really made every second count, didn’t we?” She looked around and then glanced at Emily. “You should...you should get out of here. It’s not safe for you. You should go back to your room. You’re still sick.” Maya uttered, her words becoming lost in a slurred speech pattern.

“No. No, I’m not leaving you.”

Emily leaned down to kiss the side of her jaw. She felt Maya’s shaking hand on the back of her neck. Her lips brushed against Emily’s ear.

“I fell in love with you, Emily. And I’d do it all again,” she whispered. “I love you,” she exhaled a breath as her body went limp.

“Maya?” She pulled back and saw her eyes glazing over. “Maya!” She cried frantically. She dipped her forehead down and pressed it against Maya’s. “Maya, no…please no…”

She moved to put her arms around her and embrace her, but before she could lift her up and pull her close to her body she was yanked away from her.

The machines around Maya started going haywire. A nurse whisked her out of the room, running directly into Nate.

Everything happened so fast that she didn’t even register what was going on. But she knew exactly who was holding her…who was keeping her from her first love. She knew his touch far more than she ever thought she would. Far more than she cared to.

She whipped around and started pounding against his chest with her fists. She hit him until she exhausted herself. Then she tried to rip herself away, to get free. She couldn’t breathe. She was drowning. But a hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.

“Emily, look at me.”

The girl refused to tear her eyes away from her first love.

“Are you out of your mind? I told you to wear a mask…”

“Let go of me! I have to stay with her. I have to be there…”

“No, we have to get you out of here. It’s not safe for you to be exposed. Your immune system…”

“I don’t care!” She fought against him, throwing her fists into his chest. “She needs me, Nate. I promised I wouldn’t leave her!”

“Look at me.” He ordered again. And for some reason, this time, she heard him. She peered into his eyes. He had Maya’s eyes. It hurt. Unbelievably badly. “There is nothing you can do for her…”

There was an eerie silence, followed by a scream ripping from Emily’s lips.

“Why?” Emily cried, struggling against Nate. “You should have picked her. She deserves to live. She deserves…”

“Emily, stop!” Nate grasped her wrists, trying to get her to pay attention.

Emily only saw a flash of his face, the grief-stricken look cutting into her soul. He’d just lost her, too. He’d lost his sister. And he was with her instead. He had chosen her again.

“You need to settle down before…”

But it was too late. She’d worked herself into such a frenzy that her blood pressure spiked. She collapsed into his arms, her eyes rolling back into her head.

“Damn it.” Nate grabbed her, lifting her into his arms. He got her to a gurney just as the seizure started. “Hey!” Nate shouted. “I need some help here!”

He was torn, because he wanted to be in his sister’s room with her, but she was already gone. He knew it. But Emily was still alive. Emily was in front of him. And Maya would want him to take care of her. So he let his coworkers do their job.

He glanced in Maya’s room and saw the crowd of growing people. Through the crowd, his coworker and fellow doctor Wren Kingston broke through. He shouted orders at another physician down the hallway.

“What happened?”

“Pretty sure her blood pressure spiked. She might have thrown a clot.”

“She’s not on anticoagulants?”

“She hasn’t been ambulatory. Plus the trial doesn’t call for it.” He swallowed and glanced at Maya’s room. “Maya?” He asked.

“We can intubate and put her on machines until your parents get here...”

His parents had given him power of attorney, because they knew that he’d be able to make the right call if something like this happened.

It was the hardest decision of his life. Nate just shook his head. Maya had been through too much. Her poor little body was nothing but bones. Their parents didn’t want to prolong her suffering.

He turned his attention back to Emily. The doctor that Wren had called out to was rushing towards them with a bottle of something in his hand. He drew up the liquid into a syringe. He gave it to Nate, who quickly inserted it into Emily’s IV port. He flushed it through and her twitching started to cease. Nate breathed a sigh of relief.

“Let me take her.” Wren put his hand on Nate’s arm. “Take a minute, mate.”

He quietly passed Emily off to Wren and then went into his sister’s room. They had stopped trying to resuscitate her. He took her hand in his and watched the machines. Seconds later he was calling the time of death through his tears. He spent a few minutes with her, but then he broke down. He ended up outside trying to catch his breath. After a while he started wandering the hospital.

Of all the places he could have ended up, he ended up in Baby Doe’s room. The little girl was sound asleep, clutching her teddy bear. He watched her breathing for several minutes. It soothed him for some reason.

_Lily._

Maya had always had a fascination with naming things. He walked over to the whiteboard with the infant’s information on it. He erased the name “Baby Doe” and wrote “Lily” on it.

***** 24 Hours Later *****

Emily’s head was throbbing. The last thing she could remember was a horrific pain shooting up her spine. She faintly recalled Nate being there.

“Hey, there you are.” She heard her mom’s voice.

“Mom?” Emily blinked.

She felt like she’d had a horrible nightmare.

“Hey…baby.” Pam cupped Emily’s hands in her warm palms.

“Dad?” She uttered weakly. Her vision was blurry, but she could see them.

“You gave us a hell of a scare, kid.” Wayne rubbed the back of her hand.

“What happened?” She tried to sit up, but her dad stopped her.

“You had a bit of a setback. You had a hell of a seizure, so take it slow, baby girl.”

“Where’s Maya? Is she okay?”

Pam and Wayne shared a look. Emily felt an emptiness in her chest. It all came rushing back to her, and it hurt more than any physical pain she’d ever had. It was more agonizing than her migraines. It was more horrifying than any seizure she’d ever had. It made her feel sicker to her stomach than any of her treatments. She lowered her head and started to sob uncontrollably. Pam climbed in the bed with her and pulled her into her embrace. She held her as she cried.

The next few days were some of the darkest days in Emily’s life. Not only was she physically drained, she was emotionally exhausted. They had to postpone her last treatment because she was getting weaker. She didn’t want to eat or drink. She barely moved. It made her pain worse. She felt like a former shadow of herself.

Every day was the same. Every morning she woke up. She’d ignore the breakfast tray in front of her. She’d get up and go to the bathroom, puke, and then she’d stare at herself in the mirror for the longest time. Every night was the same, too. Bathroom. Puke. Stare.

Then one night, something changed. She went to the bathroom like she normally did. She puked. But then instead of looking at the mirror her eyes fell on a bottle of her pain meds. She hadn’t been taking them because she hadn’t been eating or taking anything orally. It really hadn’t crossed her mind that she could screw up the trial. She wasn’t thinking clearly.

She filled a cup up with water and took two of the pills. Then she took two more. Then another. She waited for it to take her pain away, but it didn’t. So she left the bathroom and told her parents she was going to see Lily and read her a bedtime story to brighten her spirits. She just wanted to get out of the room.

She’d gotten halfway to Lily’s room when she started to feel the effects of the medication. She made it to Lily’s doorway before she started to pass out. She saw a glimpse of the happy bubbly baby in her hospital crib. But then the room started spinning. She grabbed the doorjamb and huffed out a breath. Suddenly, she couldn’t get air into her lungs.

“Emily?” She heard Nate’s voice.

Her vision started to go blurry.

“I just want…” Emily struggled to take a breath, “…to see her.”

Her legs buckled. She fell against the floor. Lily started to cry. Nate and a nurse rushed to Emily’s side. Wren wasn’t far behind. He’d just written up his exam findings on Lily for the day.

“Another seizure?” Wren asked.

“No.” Nate put his palm against Emily’s cheek. Her skin was clammy.

“Did she hit her head?” Wren asked.

“Don’t think so.” Nate grabbed Emily’s wrist. Her pulse was weak.

“What were her last counts?”

“A little low. She hasn’t had much of an appetite. Could be low BG.”

He checked her pupils and immediately realized that wasn’t the case. He had a sudden hunch. She’d been depressed since Maya died. Her symptoms weren’t from anything physical.

“She took something.” Nate could have kicked himself for not paying closer attention. “Damn it.”

They quickly got her loaded up on a gurney and rushed to get her stomach pumped. By the time they got her into a room she was barely breathing. She was pale. Her heart wasn’t pumping enough blood to her body.

“She’s crashing. We’re losing her.” Wren glanced at the heart monitor.

“No. That’s not a fucking option.” Nate growled. “Not after my sister. I can’t…I _won’t_.”

They fought to keep her alive. They nearly lost her. Her heart stopped for a grueling 30 seconds, but they were able to revive her.

Four hours later she was in recovery with her parents by her side. When she woke up she had a hell of a hangover, and two very upset and pissed off parents. They were hovering. She’d barely gotten two words out when they breathed a sigh of relief.

“What were you thinking, Emily?” Her dad grasped her cheeks. “You could have died.”

Emily wanted to ask him how that was different than any other day of her life, but she refrained. Instead she just pitifully told them she missed Maya and that she was sorry.

Because of the overdose she was put on a mandatory psych hold. She spent three days cut off from everyone who cared about her. The hours felt like years. But she couldn’t muster up enough strength to care. About anything.

After her psych hold Nate tried to get her to talk to him, but she became withdrawn and combative. He persisted. He pushed. Because he knew that she wouldn’t survive otherwise. He finally got her body strong enough to handle the final treatment in the trial, but she fought every step of the way. When they came to get her she cried.

“I don’t want the stupid treatment! Please…don’t take me.” Emily looked at her parents helplessly. “Don’t let them take me.”

“Emmy, calm down, sweetie.” Her dad tried to soothe her.

“Please don’t make me do this. I can’t…I can’t do this. She should be here. She should…it’s my fault she’s not…” Her jaw trembled. “It’s my fault.”

“Hey, it is _not_ your fault.” Pam cupped her hands. “I’m so sorry about Maya. I am. I truly am.” She looked at Nate to let him know she was talking to him, too. She looked back at her daughter. “But sweetheart, you can’t give up. Not when you’re this close.”

Emily calmed down long enough to look at her parents. They seemed so broken. And she felt like it was because of her. She at least owed it to them to try. She owed it to Maya to try.

***** 6 Weeks Later *****

It was her promise to Maya that had turned everything around for her. She’d promised her that she’d live. She wanted to do everything she’d told Maya she would do. She wanted to love with all of her heart. She wanted to see the world and everything in it. She wanted to jump into life, because she understood how precious it was. She understood what living truly meant.

Six weeks later that’s exactly what she was setting out to do. Her parents had been loading up the car when Nate came in with her discharge papers. They had gotten much closer because of the hardships they’d both faced. He treated her like family. It didn’t surprise Emily. He did that with all of his patients. She watched him dote on Lily all the time.

The baby was sound asleep in Emily’s bed. She’d just had an epic story read to her. Emily cradled her little cheeks and quietly hoped that Lily would one day make it out of the hospital, too. She heard Nate walking into the room.

“It gives me great pleasure to be able to say this.” He smiled. He handed her the discharge papers in his hands. “You’re free and clear.”

“For now.” Emily nodded.

“For now.” Nate smiled timidly. “So, what’s next for you, Emily Fields? What grand adventures do you have in store?”

“My dad has family in Rosewood.”

“Back to your home state, huh?”

“Yeah. You remember my cousin Toby? We’re going to stay with his family. We’ll probably move there. I’m familiar with the area so that when the complete blindness sets in I’ll be ready.”

“I know we’ve talked about this before, but it’s different for everyone. It’s hard to know for certain how quickly that scar tissue will harden. It will more than likely be gradual, but there’s also a possibility that...”

“That I’ll go to bed one night with my vision and wake up without it.” Emily understood. She’d been briefed on the vision loss more than once. “Mom is already looking into schools for the blind.”

“We’re going to miss you around here.”

“Oh, I’ll be back to visit.” She looked at the sleeping child in the bed. “Promise me you’ll take care of Lily for me.”

“I always do.”

“And yourself.” Emily added.

“Likewise.”

“I’ll call you this weekend. I expect an update on our favorite little ward of the state.” She touched the baby’s cheek.

“You know, the name Lily doesn’t seem so bad.” Nate smiled. “I filed the paperwork to give her the official title of Lily the Lovebug. But for government purposes, Lilian Maya Doe.”

Emily had tears in her eyes. Maya had been right. The name had grown on him. _And_ she’d be the center of attention with a name like Lilian Maya.

“What’s going to happen to her?” Emily asked.

“We’re going to do our best…”

“No. Not the treatments. What’s going to happen to her after that?”

“Let’s just get her to ‘after’ first.”

“I promised her I’d come read to her and visit her.”

“Well, until you do I’ll take over the official title of storyteller.”

“Won’t be as good as me.” Emily gave him a hard time.

“You are _a lot_ to live up to.” Nate agreed.

There was a quiet look shared between them as they took in the fact that she was in remission. Emily moved in to hug him.

“Thank you,” she said, taking in his scent. He smelled like Maya. It hurt in all the worst ways. “For getting me out of here alive.”

“I’m always here for you, Em,” he replied, pulling back from the hug. “You call me if you need anything.”

Lily stirred on Emily’s bed. He walked over to pick her up. When he moved her from the bed to his arms she sleepily rubbed her eyes and then laid her cheek against his shoulder.

“Take care of yourself,” he said.

Emily nodded, watching him walk out.

She looked around the hospital room. It had been her home for almost two years. She had a lot of memories here, good and bad. But she was fine with leaving it behind, because it left her open to new adventures. She double-checked all the nooks and crannies, making sure she wasn’t leaving anything behind.

She was glad she’d decided to do so, because in a corner in the back of the room she found a red scarf that meant the world to her. Maya had given it to her. She picked it up and held it close to her face. And she cherished everything about it. She wrapped it around her neck before taking a final look at her room.

She met her parents outside, who quietly drove her out to say goodbye to one last person before they left town. Something that really struck her, that would always stay with her, is the fact that Maya held on just long enough for her to say goodbye. She didn’t imagine that doing it again would be so hard.

She stayed by Maya’s grave for nearly an hour.

Leaving was the hardest thing she’d ever done. But it was only in leaving Baltimore that she was able to start anew. It was saying goodbye to her first love that pushed her forward into a new world. Everything that had happened to her was fate leading her to her destiny. Her plan was to enjoy every minute of her life. She hadn’t expected to fall in love again. But as she quite literally watched the horizon disappear from her sights, her heart opened up in ways that only love could be let in. Her real life was getting ready to begin.

* * *

 **A/N:** _I know this is an Emison story, so I hope there’s not too much hate about this interlude. When I drafted this story up I knew the importance of shaping Emily’s character through her love and loss of Maya. I knew I needed to include it to give you all perspective on why she is who she is. She’s been shrouded in mystery (even with the little reveals) up until this point. Now there are no more secrets. All that is left is Alison and Emily. Then again, this all started with Alison and Emily, as you see from their little interaction when they were kids. It’s coming full circle._


	30. Reflection

**A/N:** _I know I write a lot. Like a metric shit-ton. If words give you a headache then I'm coming at ya like a bitch-ass migraine like you've never had before. It's just my style. Everyone is different. I grew up on writers like Stephen King and John Grisham. I tell stories without limiting myself or constricting myself to a word count. The beauty of fanfic is that you don't have to cap it or stifle your creativity. I know that my word counts are high. I make numerous notes about it. But for me, the release, and the freedom of expression, gives me the opportunity to tell the story I want to tell with endless boundaries. I write this way in fanfic because I love to do it. I write in general because I love to do it. I assume people read for the same reason._

_I am also aware that because I write so much material, sometimes it can be hard to remember what I've already written. I got some pushback for the Interlude, but I was expecting it. But it was an integral part of Emily's history. I wrote it to be a stand-alone chapter. I purposely didn’t tether the past and the present because it was Emily telling Alison Maya’s story. The future hadn’t happened yet. Think of it as “The First Secret” in PLL (prompted by the “Do you want to tell me about her?”). It was written as a complete flashback._

_However, it wasn’t entirely stand-alone. What the readers view as the present leading up to the interlude had dashes of Emily’s past intertwined in previous chapters. There are several moments from the interlude that had already been used in the story. And since I’m a dumbass who didn’t call more attention to the lines/scenes that had already been used (I didn’t like the way it was formatted when I had them in italics in the interlude) and yes, because it was longer, I’ll throw out a cliffnotes version:_

_Emily’s nightmare of Maya dying in Chapter 17 (“Blurred Lines”) is written word for word the exact same in the interlude (just with the blanks filled in). In fact, when writing “Blurred Lines” I pulled (copied and pasted) from the interlude. The second nightmare that Emily has in the story in Chapter 20 “Into the Dark” is also used verbatim in the interlude. In Chapter 21 “Ocean View” there is reference to the scene where Emily overdoses (“we’re losing her…”) and the reference to the scene of Emily and Lily in the hospital room in the interlude. There are also several one-liners referenced (“Second verse as same as the first” “You’re so young” “Don’t take me” “The drugs, Maya”). There were a lot of little Easter Eggs like Maya liking butterflies (Alison’s Christmas gift to Emily) and Emily telling Maya a boy (Ben) had forcefully kissed her, and other instances like those sprinkled in the story as foreshadowing._

_As far as the tie in, the chapter before the interlude ended with Emily and Alison in the graveyard together. The interlude ended with Emily at the graveyard alone. You’ll see the tie in here…as this chapter starts with Emily in the graveyard, but she’s not alone anymore. *cue “Circle of Life” from The Lion King*._

* * *

  **Chapter 30:**

**Reflection**

Emily’s hands were shaking, but Alison couldn’t tell if it was from her emotions or if she was in pain. Alison stared at Maya’s grave, trying to take everything in. She’d only known bits and pieces about Emily’s history before now. She had no idea what Emily and Maya had been through. Now she knew everything.

She put her arm around Emily and laid her head against her shoulder. It was quiet for a few minutes. Alison glanced up at her.

“She was your Emily.” Alison understood.

“She was so much better than me.” Emily sighed.

“Emily Fields…” Alison scolded her. “I don’t want to hear that kind of talk.”

“Sorry. I just…I miss her.” She reached up and rubbed her temple.

Alison frowned. So she _was_ in pain.

“I know.” She reached up and touched Emily’s face. “She sounds like she was an amazing person.”

The jealousy she’d once felt over the girl had completely dissipated. Now that she knew who she was…how she’d shaped Emily, how she’d been a huge part of her life…she couldn’t hate her. She couldn’t be envious of her. Maya had died so Emily could live, and Alison understood that. She was grateful to Maya, because without her…she never would have met Emily.

“I come out here every time I come to town,” Emily said. “After my last scan I walked around for a while, and I ended up here. I’ve felt guilty about that for a while…”

“For visiting someone you loved?”

“For keeping it from you.” Emily turned to face Alison. “I should have been talking to you about it. And the day that I had that scan done…when I knew…” She shuffled on her feet. “I came here and I just broke down. I sat out here for almost half an hour and just…talked. I needed someone who would listen…someone I wouldn’t destroy.” She rubbed her fingers against Alison’s knuckles. “Someone who…who has been through this before. And I feel like I betrayed you.”

“She was a huge part of your life. And what you two went through together…I can’t even imagine it.” Alison glanced at Maya’s headstone. “I get it, Em. I do. Maya was…she _is_ a part of you. And I love that part of you as much as I love you. I already told you, there is nothing you could say or do that could make me stop loving you.”

“You’re a rare gem, Alison DiLaurentis.”

“It’s because my coal heart was pressed into a diamond by the love that you gave me.” Alison gave her all the credit.

Emily was the one who had set their destiny on its course. She was the one who had been so fucking irresistible. She was the one who had charmed her way into Alison’s heart with just one look. One smile. One touch. She was unique and kind and perfect in every way possible.

“You taught me that looking at something and seeing something isn’t the same thing,” Alison said. “The way you navigate through life is just…it’s like you’re an angel.” _My_ _angel._ She thought. “You see the good in everything.”

She saw Emily flinch. She wasn’t sure if it was an oncoming migraine or something else. She looked like she felt nauseated.

“What’s wrong?” Alison asked.

“Nothing.” Emily frowned. “It’s just…I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You could _never_ disappoint me, Emily.”

“Not even if I admitted that I’m having a really hard time finding the light right now?” She pressed her lips together in a quiet pensive expression.

“I’d be worried about your sanity if you didn’t have a little doubt every now and then.” Alison tried to make her feel better. “It’s perfectly normal to feel aimless. But that’s why I’m here. You can’t hold everything inside. You’re the one who taught me that. You can always be honest with me about what you’re feeling.”

Emily nodded, smiling in appreciation.

“I try to look at the bright side.” Emily squeezed her hand. “I really do, but sometimes that’s hard to do when you find out when you’re little that the world is not kind. That it’s…” She shook her head and reached out to touch Maya’s headstone, “…that it’s ugly and unfair and people get hurt. And they die. And it doesn’t make sense…” She furrowed her brow in thought. “It doesn’t make sense how fleeting everything is and how the gift of life can just decide to skip all of your friends, take them one by one, and _you_ get to live.”

Alison had never realized how much guilt she’d been carrying. Now she understood why it was so hard for Emily to talk about Maya. Because she was watching her spiral faster than she knew how to stop it.

“Sorry. Just…bear with me.” Emily could sense her discomfort. “Coming out here…it’s always hard. But this…this is something I have to face or it’s going to keep eating away at me. I um…” Her words were lost on her. Her head was pounding.

“Em, maybe we should go somewhere and sit down. You look a little pale, sweetie.”

“I’m okay. They’ll give me something for the pain when they admit me.”

“Babe, you’re shaking.”

“That’s not from the pain,” Emily said solemnly. She didn’t have to add, _“not the physical pain”_ because it was clear she was struggling with her emotions. “I…I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s…being back here always reminds me that I watched her wither away.” Emily swallowed her tears. “I watched her die…because of me.”

“That’s not your fault. You were just a better candidate…”

“No.” Emily interrupted her. “I don’t care what anyone says. I know the truth. The _only_ reason he picked me over his sister is because he couldn’t show favoritism in the trial. They excluded her because she was part of his family. It would have been a ‘conflict of interest’,” she said bitterly. “But if I hadn’t been there she would have been the only candidate. He _had_ to pick me.”

“Maya was dying long before that trial…”

“We both were.” Emily pointed out. “I got lucky and she didn’t. And that’s just something I had to live with. I watched her become a shell of herself.” Her throat burned and she tried to clear it. “First I lost her. Then I lost my sanity. And little by little, she started slipping from my memories, too. It was so hard. And it hurt _so_ much. And I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want you to suffer through that…” She shuddered. “I didn’t…I didn’t know what else to do to protect you. I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

“Unsuccessfully.” Alison rubbed the small of her back. “I’m still here, aren’t I? Did you really think it was going to be that easy to get rid of me?”

Emily laughed, cringing at the motion. It was clear that she was hurting.

“You are…very persistent.” Emily didn’t disagree.

“So are you.” Alison replied. “That’s how I know you’re going to come out the other side of this.” Alison couldn’t see it any other way.

Emily was uncertain, but Alison was certain. She had to be. The only way they were going to get through this was by helping each other cope.

“When did you become the optimistic voice of reason here?” Emily laughed halfheartedly.

“Hey, you forced my hand.” Alison shrugged with a smile. “I could still turn around and kick the ass of a waitress for getting my order wrong in twenty minutes. You don’t know.”

“Please don’t actually do that.”

“Why? Because she might spit in our food?”

“No, because service people are overworked and underappreciated and they deserve compassion.”

“You are too nice sometimes.” Alison playfully bumped against her shoulder.

“Ah, so the balance of everything bright and happy has shifted back to me?”

“Feels like natural order has been restored, huh?” Alison asked. “Just as well. No one can do tough but kind like you do.”

“Maya used to call me Little Miss Sunshine.”

Alison laughed. She was _so_ going to use that.

“Well, you _are_ glowing, bright, and _hot_.” She ran her fingers up Emily’s arm.

“You think the sun wears sunglasses all the time, too?” Emily thought about it. “Kind of an oxymoron. That would be like a paradox in the time space continuum.” She had a bashful look on her face. “God, that sounded really nerdy.”

“No.” Alison was laughing. “I thought it was cute.” She resisted the _“talk nerdy to me”_ that was on the tip of her tongue out of respect for the dead.

She watched Emily’s nose crinkle in embarrassment, and her body flooded with admiration for her. She was adorable even when she wasn’t trying to be.

“Being out here like this…it probably seems really weird, doesn’t it?” Emily asked.

“Not at all.” Alison reassured her.

“It was important for me to see her. We were just…we propped one another up. When we were in the hospital she was my lifeline.”

“I’m grateful to her for that,” Alison said.

“As weird as it sounds, I think you and Maya would have gotten along great.”

“As weird as it sounds, I could see that.” Alison respected someone who knew exactly who they were, and it sounded like Maya knew exactly who she was. “I mean we both have the same taste in women. We both ignore boundaries. And we both like the color red.” She glanced at Emily’s neck and thought about the scarf Emily had taken off of her last night. “What happened to that scarf she gave you? The one you said you found before you left the hospital? I bet you look fabulous in it.”

Emily suddenly had a terse look on her face, like she didn’t want to answer, like it was an unpleasant memory.

“I think it got lost in the move.”

Something about the look on her face troubled Alison. She looked conflicted. She also saw her flinch just the slightest bit. Alison realized it was a lie, but she was trying to figure out why Emily would lie about something so small. Alison thought about how Emily told her they were unpacking boxes in the garage the night of the fire and it slowly registered in her brain.

“It was in the garage with your things on the Fourth of July, wasn’t it?” Alison felt a jolt of pain in her stomach.

She hadn’t taken Emily’s eyesight away from her, but she’d taken the last remnants of her first girlfriend.

“You couldn’t have known that was going to happen.” Emily squeezed her hand. She knew how guilty she felt about it. “Material things are just that in the end. They’re just things. What matters is the memories you make.”

Though Emily hadn’t always felt that way. Right after the fire she’d mourned the loss of her material things, especially those that connected her to Maya. She was grateful to have gotten out with her life, but she hated that she’d lost a lot of her irreplaceable memories. She would never tell Alison how devastated she’d been, because her girlfriend was already shouldering so much about that night.

They heard a chiming noise. Emily recognized the ringtone.

“That’s Hanna. She’s probably already at the diner.”

“Did you want a few minutes? I can go hang out in the car if you want to be alone…”

“Yeah, I’ll be right behind you.” Emily nodded.

“Take all the time you need.” _Hanna’s impatient ass can wait_. She leaned up and pecked Emily’s cheek. She stroked her fingers and then let go of her hand.

She started to walk off, but she stopped long enough to look back. She glanced at Maya’s headstone.

 _Thank you for being there for her…for taking care of her._ Alison thought quietly.

She had no idea what happened to someone after they died, but she liked to think that on some level…they could still hear the living.

Emily listened to the sounds of Alison shuffling away. She reached out and put her palm against Maya’s grave. She had a lot she wanted to say to her, but she didn’t have the words to say it.

“So…here we are again.”

She ran her fingertips against the granite. It made her feel closer to her. It gave her the strength she needed to face everything. Her fingers traced over the cemented rosebud her parents had chosen for her headstone. The sculpture was in partial bloom, a quiet reminder to anyone who passed by that it was a young soul who had been laid to rest in this spot, a life that was just beginning to blossom that had been cut short.

“I’m not really sure how it’s going to turn out this time. But I’m going to give it all I’ve got. And I’ve got good people by my side. _Really_ good people. You’d like Alison, Maya. She’s tough and bossy and she challenges me…every day. I have a type, I guess.” She laughed softly. “She loves me. I never thought I’d find that again. Not after you…” She smiled through her tears. “She’s a handful, but you taught me how to handle that. I am…so insanely in love with her.”

She sighed and closed her eyes. She thought maybe that would quell her tears. But it didn’t. Though it had been three years since Maya’s death, she still felt the weight of it every day. But it was a different kind of weight than it had once been. It was lighter. She could actually breathe again.

“Sorry, that’s probably weird to talk to you about, huh?” Emily frowned.

She could hear Maya in her head telling her not to overthink it. Even Nate had told Emily she deserved to be happy.

“I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re happy and causing mischief like the good days we had.” She was probably stealing dessert from the highest of heavens. “Don’t worry about me, Maya. I’m okay. I jumped in just like you said.”

She took a shallow breath through her nose.

“I got the girl. And that’s all thanks to you. I have Alison because of you. I have a _life_ because of you. I’ve spent so much time being angry over the fact that you died that I didn’t stop to appreciate how truly grateful I am to have this life. Because of you. So thank you, Maya. Thank you. You gave me something incredible.”

She took a quiet breath and listened to the sounds around her. She could hear the trees rustling in the wind. She took her sunglasses off to rub her eyes, clearing the tears from them. She could feel a building pressure behind her eye sockets, which wasn’t helping her head.

“You told me once that butterflies were one of your favorite things in the world, which isn’t so strange to hear, because I mean…who doesn’t love them? But what you said about _why_? I’ll never forget it. You told me that they go through all these struggles to shed the difficulties from their past and that they emerge with a newfound beauty that the whole world can enjoy. You said it was rare. And special. _That’s_ what you gave to me. You gave me the most gorgeous gift in the world. And I can never thank you enough for that.”

She reached out with her other hand and leaned over so she could rub her fingers across Maya’s name.

“We really made every second count, didn’t we?” She bit her lip with a smile. She paused thoughtfully. “I’ll keep living for the both of us for as long as I possibly can.”

She pulled her fingers away from the headstone.

“I’ve got to go. I’ve got a date with your big brother at the hospital today. He’s convinced he can figure it out. Just like last time. He’s okay, Maya. We’ve been looking out for each other, just like you wanted.” Like either one of them would have had it any other way. “And he’s taking really good care of Lily. She’s getting so big. She’s still as feisty as ever.” She chuckled. “We miss you. It’s definitely not the same without you. But we’re all okay.” At least for the moment. “I’ll…um…I’ll be back, okay? I’ll tell you about all the trouble I get into at the hospital this time. See you soon.”

She said her goodbyes and then found her way back to the parking lot. Alison was pacing beside her car. She didn’t like not being by her side. She knew that she was being co-dependent, but she didn’t care. She relaxed when she saw Emily walking down the path back to the car.

Emily seemed a little unsteady on her feet. When she got to the car Alison noticed that her hands were shaking and she had a sheen of sweat on her face. She opened the car and helped her get into the passenger’s seat.

Emily reached for the air conditioner knob as soon as Alison turned the car on. She seemed to relax once the air was blowing on her.

“You okay?” Alison reached over and put her hand on top of Emily’s.

“Yeah,” she said. “I think it’s just nerves. Being here screws with my emotions.”

“Wanna skip breakfast and just go to the hospital?” Alison questioned.

“Are you kidding? It’s my last chance as a free woman to get a non-hospital quality meal. I’m not about to skip that.”

“Okay.” Alison laughed.

Emily loved her laugh. She had such an adorable little laugh. She could imagine that her dimples lit up the entire world when she smiled.

Emily gently flipped her palm over and gripped Alison’s fingers in hers. She moved their hands up towards her lips and kissed Alison’s knuckles, which made Alison feel like melting.

“What was that for?” Alison questioned with a smile.

“No reason.”

Alison stared at Emily’s lips hovering against her knuckles and she felt a familiar twitch in her stomach. She almost hated herself for how quickly she got turned on when it came to Emily.

_How the hell can I be horny right now? We’re in a fucking cemetery. We just visited her dead ex. Why does she do this to me?_

“You wanna skip breakfast and enjoy a little _me_ instead?” Alison asked suggestively. _If she punches me in the tit I can’t say I didn’t deserve it…_

She waited for Emily to tell her that she was crossing the line, but she didn’t realize there was no line anymore. Emily was open to almost anything and everything at this point. Emily sat quietly in thought for a few seconds and then she grinned seductively.

“Leftovers for breakfast.” Emily lifted her brows, as if to say _bold choice_. “I like it.”

Alison almost doubled over in laughter. Emily cherished listening to her joy. She waited until Alison had caught her breath and then she leaned across the console, her palm running up Alison’s arm until it was against her neck. Then she leaned forward and their lips met.

When they connected Alison could feel everything Emily was holding inside. She could feel her shivering beneath the surface. She could also feel Emily’s exhaustion in her movements. Alison gently touched her knee with one hand and gripped her heated cheek with her other.

When Alison pulled away she took a minute to appreciate her. Even when she knew Emily was feeling her worst she still looked her best. Emily laid her hand against Alison’s again.

“Thank you for understanding why it was so important for me to come out here.” Emily squeezed her hand.

“Thank you for letting me come with you.”

Emily’s phone chimed at her. Hanna’s ringtone again. They both chuckled.

“You know, if we don’t get to that restaurant soon Hanna is going to call the police and file a missing persons report on us.” Alison warned her.

“Please.” Emily shook her head with a laugh. “Hanna would never do that.” She paused and then added with a smile. “She doesn’t trust the police. She’d come find us and bitch at us herself.”

“She’s really been a good friend to you, hasn’t she?” Alison asked.

“On paper we don’t make sense.” Emily admitted. “But we’ve been attached at the hip since preschool. And I know you two haven’t always gotten along. You both can be a little…” She stopped to consider what she wanted to say.

“Harsh?” Alison guessed.

“I was going to say ‘territorial’, but yeah, that works.” Emily laughed. “Neither one of you settles and that’s what I love about you both.”

“But you love me more, right?” Alison pushed in a teasing manner.

“I love you in a way where you get sex. What do you think?” Emily teased her back.

“I’m happy with that.” Alison beamed. “I’ll take comfort in the fact that you do things with me that you don’t with her.”

“Well, except that one time in Texas when we were drunk…”

“Emily Fields.” Alison warned her.

They both laughed. But Alison felt that _territorial_ thing creeping up her spine.

“That _was_ a joke, right?” Alison asked.

That just made Emily laugh harder. For a few seconds she didn’t feel the horrible tension in her head. Her laughter slowed and became a coy smile.

“Yes, Alison. I was only kidding.” Emily assured her. “I’m not allowed to drink with the meds I’m on. We were sober.” She lifted her brows.

“I’m starting to think you _want_ me to get pissed off,” Alison said dryly.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Me?” Alison couldn’t help but laugh.

Emily took a breath through her nose. She reached up and rubbed the side of her neck, massaging the base of her skull with her fingers, trying to get a handle on her physical tension.

“I know you and Hanna have your differences. She’s a handful. I know that. But this is going to get rough.” Emily wanted her to know the truth. “And you two are going to need each other.”

“Don’t worry about us,” Alison replied with a soft tone. She was more concerned about Emily. “I know we’ve had our problems in the past, but things have been…different ever since the shooting. We had a…a moment…”

“Did you two make out in that closet or something?”

Alison laughed and struck her shoulder playfully. Her laughter faded as she recalled that day.

“Honestly?” Alison asked. “I wouldn’t have gotten through it without her. I know we haven’t talked much about that day…”

“You don’t have to if you’re not ready, Ali. I know it was traumatic.”

While Emily had been completely open with her experiences, Alison hadn’t really said much about how she was coping. Other than being in therapy she didn’t mention it.

“No. I’ve just been so focused on your health that I didn’t even think to bring it up. But Hanna and I…we’re okay. She kept me from really losing it that day. As much as it pains me to admit it, she saved my ass.”

“Yeah, she’ll never let you live that down.” Emily nodded.

“If it wasn’t for her I probably would have tried to run in and play the hero and gotten us both shot. I should have known you’d know exactly what to do. From what it sounds like on that tape, you had it under control. But me? I was _totally_ out of my head. I don’t know how you were able to keep it together.”

“Because I knew that you were safe as long as he was focused on me.” Emily replied. “You probably had it a lot worse than I did. Because at least I _knew_ what was going on. I can’t imagine being completely cut off and not knowing if the people I cared about were okay. I hate that you had to go through that.”

“That’s really all you think about, isn’t it?”

“What?” Emily asked in confusion.

“Everyone else. You are _constantly_ putting everyone else’s needs before your own.”

“Just the people I love.”

“You were willing to take a bullet for your dog.”

“I love Ace.” She shrugged.

Alison brushed Emily’s cheek with her knuckles.

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. In fact, it’s one of the things I love most about you.” It had made Alison more open to doing the same. To think about others for a change. “But it can be a fatal flaw. Em, he held a _gun_ to your head…”

“What was he going to do? Shoot me in the tumor?” Emily asked.

Alison wasn’t sure whether or not to laugh, but Emily prompted her.

“Ali, if you can’t learn to laugh a little this is going to be really hard for you…”

“I already told you, it’s not _me_ I’m worried about.”

“Well, I am,” Emily said sincerely. “Worried about you, I mean. I already know what to expect. I know how to deal. I know how to keep my sanity. It’s the people around me…the people I love…it’s more painful for you guys than it is for me. And I’m telling you right now, if you don’t find an outlet…I’m worried about what it’s going to do to you. I’m not saying there is a right and wrong way to deal with this, because everyone is different. But…just…let me guide you a little bit.” She reached up to touch Alison’s cheek.

Alison put her hand on top of Emily’s, keeping her palm in place on her cheek. She nodded slowly, making sure Emily felt the motion.

“Okay.” Alison smiled. “The blind leading the blonde. I can get behind that.”

“Maybe you should still drive though.” Emily smiled. “For the sake of the other people on the road.”

She felt Alison puff out a little laugh and she breathed a sigh of relief. She knew how serious the situation was, and she knew that Alison knew it, too. But she also knew that there had to be a little give and take. Alison was going to have to get used to the not knowing. She was going to have to bend a little bit. And the only way she could do that is if she had Emily as her guide.

Emily’s phone went off yet again.

“Alright, she’s pissed. We should go.” Emily reached for her cell.

 _Jesus Christ, Hanna_ , was all Alison could think.

She expected by the time they got to the eatery that Hanna would ream them out in a rage. Instead, she just coolly reached out to scratch Ace’s head and said,

“About time,” and then mentioned that she was starving.

Emily and Alison joined her at the table. Ace walked away from Hanna and moved to Emily’s side. She felt him lean against her leg and she reached over to pet him.

Hanna glanced up from her menu. She took one look at the couple and noticed the glow of their skin and the way they were carrying themselves. She grinned at them as they were sitting down.

“You two totally had steamy hotel sex, didn’t you?” Hanna snorted.

“Shut up, Hanna.” Emily rolled her eyes.

But the smirks on their faces gave them away. Alison reached for Emily’s hand underneath the table and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Oh my God, you two can hold hands _above_ the table, you know. My innocent virgin eyes will survive somehow.” Hanna gave them a hard time.

“Pft.” Emily snorted. “There is nothing _innocent_ or _virginal_ about you.”

“You either, apparently.” Hanna nudged her teasingly.

“Okay, can we please just eat our breakfast?” Alison shook her head at the ridiculousness of Emily’s best friend.

“Is the unflappable Alison DiLaurentis flapped by this?” Hanna snickered.

“That’s not a word, not in that context.” Alison frowned. “How did you make it through high school?”

“Ah ha, so you _are_ flapped by this.” Hanna smirked.

“No. I’m just…hungry.” Though not for anything on the menu. She glanced at Emily.

 _God, I’ve become one of those thirsty bitches._ Alison scolded herself in thought.

Hanna didn’t miss the look she gave Emily. She snickered under her breath. Alison glared angrily in her direction. Hanna threw her hands up in submission, as if to tell her she was done, but she was biting back a grin.

Emily and Alison moved their hands up above the table, their fingers still curled together. Alison nudged Emily’s foot with her heel. They rubbed their feet together.

“Get a room.” Hanna couldn’t resist one last quip.

“We have one.”

“What’s left of one, anyway,” Emily muttered.

Alison turned towards her and laughed, her jaw dropping.

“You are _not_ helping.”

Emily smiled innocently at her. It made Alison want to simultaneously slap her and kiss her. She opted for the kiss. Hanna smiled at them. They were really cute. It made her happy to see her best friend happy.

They ordered their breakfast. When the food came Emily was too nervous to eat anything. She picked at her food, only eating tiny bites here and there. Alison and Hanna noticed. They shared a concerned look. They chalked it up to nerves and exhaustion.

When the check came Hanna and Alison both reached for it at the same time.

“I got it.” Hanna pulled the check towards her.

“I’ll take care of it.” Alison pulled it back towards her.

There was a very short tug-of-war and then Emily’s hand came down near the center of it. She pulled the check away from both of them.

“Either of you want to argue with me?” She questioned.

Alison and Hanna looked at one another and then they both shook their heads and uttered, “…no” at the same time. Emily felt around for some cash that her dad had given her. She slipped a bill into a small automatic reader that told her what kind of bill it was and made sure she had enough to cover the check.

“We should probably get going.” Emily suggested.

“I’m going to use the restroom before we head out.” Alison stood up.

She was just as nervous as Emily, but she was trying to hide it.

“How is she?” Hanna questioned as she watched Alison walk away.

“More distraught than she’s letting on.” Emily sighed. “She’s trying to curb her pain because she thinks it’ll add to mine.”

“Sounds familiar.” She poked Emily.

“I don’t…”

“You _so_ do.” Hanna cut her off.

“Okay, maybe a little.”

“It’s annoying, isn’t it?” Hanna asked.

“I’m not great when it comes to dealing with my own emotions when I have other people to think about. I’m working on it.”

“You are such a liar. You’ve been like this since you kicked your way out of your mother’s uterus.”

“What a pleasant birth story,” Emily said dryly.

“Have you _seen_ those birthing videos that circulate in Life Science? It’s like something out of a horror flick.” Hanna shuddered. “All blood and mucous and…bodily fluids.” She was completely clueless to the people around her staring at their food and slowly pushing it away. “And sooo much screaming.” She leaned forward and lowered her voice, though it was too late for the diners around them. “Did you know that a lot of women piss and shit all over the place when giving birth? It’s not as glamorous as the movies would have you believe.”

“Well, this is an appropriate place to be having this conversation.” The sarcasm was oozing out of her.

“Hey, but it took your mind off of everything else, didn’t it?” She reached for Emily’s hand.

“I can always count on you.” Emily laughed.

“Whatever you need. You know all you’ve got to do is ask.”

There was a moment of silence. Emily flipped her hand over and gripped Hanna’s hand. Sometimes she didn’t even have to ask. Hanna just had to be there. They were so close that they could practically read each other’s minds.

“Did you go see her?” Hanna questioned.

She knew Emily’s rituals when it came to coming to Baltimore. Every time she set foot in the city she went to see Maya.

“Yeah. Nate told me his mom has been switching out the flowers, making sure they’re fresh.” Emily smiled. “I could smell them. Lilies, orchids, and carnations. They smelled beautiful. Her family really takes good care of her. I could tell her mom had been there recently because the headstone felt so clean.”

“She’d be really proud of the life you’re living,” Hanna said.

“I wish she was able to see it.” Emily admitted. “I brought Alison with me. It felt kind of weird at first. Even though I love Alison, sometimes I feel like I’m somehow cheating on Maya.”

“She would smack you upside the head if she heard you talking like that.”

“Alison or Maya?”

“Yeah…” Hanna realized that was a good point. “You do have a type.”

“I know it’s not logical. That’s part of the reason I went out to see her this morning. I think that even though I’ve moved on in every respect…part of me…maybe emotionally…hadn’t. I’ve been holding on to so much for so long. I needed to let her go. So taking Alison with me _was_ weird…at first. But I told her everything. And after I told her everything I had a talk with Maya.”

“Did it help?”

“I think so.” Emily nodded. “I feel…clear headed, more than I have in a long time.”

“Please, you’ll never be clear-headed. You’re as in the clouds as anyone can get.”

“True. But I do keep one foot planted in reality at all times. That’s why I need to know that you’ll look out for her.” Emily reached up and touched their joined hands with her other hand.

“Like she needs me to?”

“This is different. This isn’t Rosewood High. She can’t just slap on a superior pretentious smile and pretend to be okay anymore. You and I both know that she is going to have a hard time with this. You’ve been through this before. She hasn’t. She has no idea how bad it’s going to get.”

“How bad is it going to get _exactly_?” Hanna questioned, a quiet nervousness in her tone.

“You know I can’t answer that.” Emily grimaced.

“I’ll make sure she’s taking care of herself.” Hanna promised.

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.”

“Who’s going to take care of you?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m scrappy. I have been at this for a long time. As long as you two are looking out for each other I’m good.”

“Yeah, well, thanks to that supply closet we’re pros at sticking together these days.”

“She told me that you really stepped up that day. She said that you saved her life.”

“I mean, she was there…I was there. It wasn’t a big thing.” Hanna brushed it off.

“Hanna…” Emily called her out. “It was _huge_. You protected her. You know what that means to me.”

“Well, I know you love her and everything. I was just doing my duty as your best friend.” Hanna smiled. “Besides, there were worse people I could have been stuck in that closet with.”

“How have you been holding up?” Emily questioned.

“I’m just glad the fucker is in jail for life. I hope someone shivs him in the dick.”

An older couple frowned at her and muttered something disapprovingly, saying something about how “kids these days have no respect”. They stared at Emily’s sunglasses, not realizing she was blind. Hanna saw the look they were giving Emily and it set her off.

“Finish your mashed oatmeal and bananas, _grandma_. Isn’t it almost your bedtime?” Hanna did not appreciate being judged, especially given that the unorthodox therapist she was seeing told her that there was no wrong way to deal with the trauma of a school shooting.

“Hanna!” Emily turned towards where Hanna had been projecting her anger. “So sorry. We didn’t mean to be insensitive.”

“Uh, maybe _we_ didn’t, but _I_ will say whatever I want about an active shooter who came to my school a few weeks ago and tried to kill my best friend…” She motioned towards Emily’s sunglasses, because it pissed her off that they were judging Emily, too, “My _blind_ best friend.”

Suddenly, their expressions softened. They quickly went back to eating their meals.

“That’s right, Helen and Hobert, mind ya bus’ness.”

“Jesus, Hanna.” Emily lowered her head with a pained laugh. Her cheeks were red. “Do you always have to make a scene?” She kicked her under the table. “Apologize.”

“What? No.” Hanna scoffed. She kept her voice low.

“Apologize or so help me God…”

“It’s not like we’re ever going to see them again.”

“We’re two miles from the hospital. For all you know they have a loved one there. We don’t know them anymore than they know us. Maybe they’re going through something, too. Now just…do the right thing please.”

“You and your fucking moral compass.” Hanna muttered under her breath. She turned to the older couple and sighed. “I’m sorry if we…” She paused when Emily kicked her again, “…if _I_ upset you. I’ve been under some…stress.”

The older couple looked at one another. The man smiled and lifted his brows, like he was teasing his wife. She rolled her eyes and lightly backhanded his shoulder, an “old married couple” sign for “shut up”. The older woman finally faced Hanna.

“My name _is_ actually Helen.” The woman smiled.

There was a beat of silence and then all four of them broke into laughter. The tension melted. The older couple thawed to their presence and they apologized for making them feel bad.

Helen and her husband ended up leaving just as Alison was getting back. A few minutes later when they went to take care of the check, the waitress told them it had already been paid.

“By who?” Emily was surprised.

“The old couple I insulted, apparently,” Hanna said.

“Good old Helen and Hobert.” Emily smiled.

“Who?” Alison frowned in confusion.

“I’ll tell you on the way to the hospital.” Emily stood up. She grabbed Ace’s leash. Alison stood on her other side.

She had her guide dog on one side and her girlfriend guiding her on her other. Hanna was a few paces behind them. They walked out of the building.

“I had to park a street over because I couldn’t find any spots,” Hanna said.

“Us too,” Alison said.

They started walking, but they didn’t get very far. When they rounded the corner of the strip mall beside the restaurant Ace started whining and slowed his pace. Emily stopped when her dog stopped. She gently pulled away from Alison. His whimpering got louder.

“Is he okay?” Alison asked.

“Ace, buddy…what’s wrong?” Emily reached out to him.

Hanna walked up next to them. Emily started to lean over him, but something felt off. Her body felt fuzzy. There was a moment of disconnect, where she felt like she was outside of her body. She suddenly felt like she had pins being pricked into her skin. She felt something like an electrical jolt and she knew seconds before it started. Her body went rigid.

“Em?” Alison asked in surprise.

Hanna saw her going down out of the corner of her eye and she quickly spun towards her, grabbing her arm so she wouldn’t fall back and smash her head against the pavement. She went down with her, her knee hitting the asphalt. She hissed a few swear words under her breath.

Emily’s body stiffened, and before Alison knew what was happening Emily was on the ground, jerking and twitching, her entire body spasming out of control. Hanna’s knee dragged across the ground and when she looked down she saw the bloody abrasion on her skin.

“Shit.” Hanna grumbled.

Ace desperately tried to stand over her like he’d been taught to do, but Hanna and Alison were in his way. He whined, unable to do anything.

“What’s going on?” Alison uttered in shock, leaning down next to the both of them.

“She’s having a seizure. Here, I need…I need your help.” She pulled Alison into her place. “Hold her head steady, at an angle on her side.” She directed. “We have to keep her airway clear in case she throws up.”

Alison felt sick at the thought of it. Emily had warned her about potential seizures. She’d told her what to expect and what to do. But it was different when it was happening in the moment. Luckily, Hanna knew exactly what to do. She grabbed her phone to call an ambulance.

Emily’s knuckles had scraped the ground and her hand was bleeding. Alison felt helpless. All she could do was hold her.

“Talk to her, Ali,” Hanna said. “Sometimes that helps bring her out of it.” She immediately turned her attention to the phone when she heard someone answer on the other end. “Yeah, my friend is having a seizure. I need an ambulance…”

“Emily, you’re…you’re okay, sweetie. You’re going to be fine. Hanna is getting help.” She could hear Hanna rattling off directions to whoever was on the phone.

The ambulance got there four minutes later. The seizure had stopped, but Emily was still out of it. She kept muttering under her breath about needing to make it to the hospital.

“Hey, we’re going there. That’s where they’re taking you.” Alison walked beside the gurney with her.

“You riding with us?” The EMT asked.

Alison nodded. She faced Hanna, terrified out of her mind. She’d never been in an ambulance before.

“Hey, it’s going to be fine.” Hanna assured her. “I’ll take Ace and meet you guys there. I called her parents to let them know what’s going on.”

“Wait, you’re not coming with us?” Alison asked, flustered.

“We can’t all fit in the rig.” Hanna shook her head.

“But…don’t they need her medical history? You…you know more than I do.”

“She has an optic nerve glioma and she doesn’t have any allergies.” Hanna glanced at the EMT.

“What if they need more?” Alison was concerned. She only wanted what was best for Emily.

“It’s a five minute ride to the hospital…”

“Three if we play our cards right.” The EMT interrupted Hanna.

“I’m calling Nate to let him know she’s on the way,” Hanna said. “I’ll be right behind you.”

Alison climbed into the ambulance. She took Emily’s hand. She watched as the EMTs put an IV catheter in her arm and hooked her up to a portable chest monitor. They hooked her up to oxygen with a nasal cannula.

Emily was awake, but she didn’t seem aware of what was going on, though they explained to her that she’d had a seizure and they were taking her to the hospital. She kept telling the EMTs that her head was hurting. Alison tried not to freak out. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was something she’d done. Had the sex been too much for her last night? Had she not gotten enough rest? Was it the stress of visiting Maya?

Emily mumbled something that none of them could hear. Alison leaned closer.

“What is it, Em?”

“Are my cousins okay?” she uttered. “They were…they were there…”

At first Alison didn’t know what she was talking about, but then Emily muttered something about smoke and Alison realized she was mixing up her seizure with the night of the fire.

“They’re fine, Emily,” Alison said softly. “You’re all fine.”

Emily’s face softened and she smiled.

“Ali?” She seemed confused, but also happy to hear her voice.

“Yeah, it’s me, sweetie…”

Emily’s face scrunched in confusion. She whispered something that Alison couldn’t hear over the sound of the siren and the noise of the EMTs talking to one another.

“We’re going to miss our flight.” Emily frowned.

Alison swallowed a knot in her throat. Emily had felt so bad about not being able to use the tickets to Paris, even though Alison had told her numerous times that it wasn’t a big deal. Alison reached out and stroked her fingers.

“We’ll take the next one.”

“I hear it’s beautiful…”

Before Alison could respond, Emily’s head lolled to the side and her eyes rolled back in her head. Her body jerked, though not nearly as badly as it had before. Alison felt her muscles tightening.

“It’s a petit mal…” The EMT glanced at his partner.

It stopped after a few seconds, but Emily didn’t open her eyes back up. Seconds after she lost consciousness they were at the hospital. Alison followed them in, never letting go of Emily’s hand. They had to pry her away from Emily to take her back for treatment.

To keep herself from panicking she grabbed her phone and called her cousin. It rang twice before Spencer picked up.

“Hey, cous. How’s Baltimore?”

“Emily had a seizure and now we’re at the hospital and I’m freaking the fuck out because I don’t know what this means…”

“Okay, first of all…take a breath.”

She waited for Alison to get her breathing under control.

“I don’t understand. She was fine yesterday and now all of a sudden she’s having seizures?” Alison asked.

“Ali…you _know_ she wasn’t fine yesterday. She’s been sick for months…”

“No, I know.” Alison paced the floor. “I just…I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but…I didn’t realize…” She bit her lip. “Tell me it’s not _that_ bad.”

“Uh…”

“Spencer!” Alison shrieked, unable to take the anticipation.

“What, do you want me to lie to you?” Spencer asked.

“Yes…” She uttered. “No.” She put her hand against her forehead. “I don’t know.” She took a breath to try and calm down. “How serious is it? I mean now that she’s having seizures? I know you’ve been researching it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. The medical journals I’ve been reading all have mixed reports. There’s not a lot of research on it. Because most patients…” She stopped herself because she didn’t want Alison to have a full blown panic attack.

But it was too late for that. Alison knew exactly what she was going to say.

“Because most patients die?” She guessed. She plopped down in a chair and let out a sigh.

“Look, it doesn’t mean anything. There are outliers in every case study. Most of the patients they look at in these studies are very young children and older males. It’s usually treatable in children…depending on the type of the tumor. It’s the adult males that it tends to be fatal in. The fact that they _don’t_ have many studies beyond that means it could go either way for her. She got this thing when she was a kid, right?”

“I think she said it was a different kind initially. I can’t…I can’t remember. It’s all blurring together. But the second time she was hospitalized when she was thirteen it was the glioma.”

“You said Maya’s brother has been treating her?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah. Nate. I met him. He seems like a decent guy. He’s really smart. Emily trusts him.”

“Then maybe you should, too. He’s been with her case since the beginning. He’ll have a plan.”

“Alison?” She heard a familiar voice.

She looked up and saw Hanna. Emily’s parents were right behind her. They were walking into the waiting area. Ace was trailing next to Hanna. Even the dog looked worried.

“I’ll have to call you back. Em’s parents are here.” Alison quickly said goodbye.

She rushed over to meet them.

“Did they already take her back?” Wayne asked.

“Yeah. They wouldn’t let me go. I would have stayed with her…”

“We know, sweetheart.” Pam smiled weakly at Alison. “It’s okay. She’s in good hands here.”

“I’ll go see if I can find anything out.” Wayne told the others. He walked towards the admin desk.

“It happened so fast.” Alison faced Pam. “I’m sorry. Maybe we should have stayed at the hotel…”

“Oh, honey…don’t blame yourself. It would have happened no matter where you were. They just…happen.” Pam rubbed her shoulder comfortingly, pulling her in for a side hug.

Alison bathed in the affection for a moment, partly because Pam reminded her of Emily, but also because she never got such things from her own mother.

They moved to sit down. Alison squirmed nervously. Pam didn’t miss it.

“Are you doing okay, Alison?” she asked.

“Huh?” Alison looked up, lost in thought. “Yeah. Just…worried.”

“That’s all part of it.” Hanna handed her a bottle of water and sat down next to her.

Pam saw Wayne talking to a nurse and she quietly excused herself to join him. Alison felt like going with her, but she didn’t want to overstep. Ace moved around until he was next to Alison’s side. He leaned against her. She mindlessly reached down and started petting his head. It calmed some of her nerves.

“She was okay this morning. How did it get this bad _this_ fast?” Alison frowned.

“It’s just a symptom.” Hanna assured her. “She’ll be okay.” She reached out and touched Alison’s hand. “There is no reason to panic.” She left the “yet” off of the end of her sentence.

Alison stared at Hanna’s fingers on top of hers and thought about how strange this whole thing was. A year ago she would have torn into Hanna for even looking at her, but now they were actually _kind of_ friends. She was okay with her touch. In fact, she flipped her hand over and squeezed Hanna’s fingers.

She was so scared. She didn’t want to lose Emily. And she knew Hanna understood that on a level that no one else did. They were bonded by the terrifying threat of loss.

“How often does this happen?” Alison asked.

“She hasn’t had one in two years,” Hanna said.

Which explained why Alison hadn’t ever seen her have one.

Hanna conveniently left out why she’d had the last one.

“It’s okay to be freaked, Ali,” Hanna said. “The first time I saw her have one it scared the shit out of me.”

“Yeah, but you were probably just a fetus.”

“I was. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less terrifying seeing one when you grow up. They still wig me out.”

Pam and Wayne walked back over to them. Alison tried to read their faces. Wayne gave her a comforting smile.

“Dr. Kingston will be out in a few minutes to give us an update.”

“Dr. Kingston?” Alison asked. “What happened to Nate?”

“Nate wasn’t here when I called.” Hanna explained to Alison. “But Wren knows her case just as well. And they called Nate. He’ll be here.”

Alison nodded, feeling a little bit better about the situation. Ten minutes later a young doctor walked over towards them. Alison recognized him as the man who had been chasing Lily yesterday.

“Dr. Kingston.” Wayne stood up to meet him, shaking his hand.

“Mr. Fields.” He said hello. “Mrs. Fields.” He greeted her. “Emily is stable.” Wren cut to the chase. “She’s resting comfortably. We’re going to compare her emergency scans and bloodwork to yesterday’s so we can establish if there have been any definitive changes. As you well know, her seizures aren’t necessarily an indicator in and of itself to be cause for concern. I know it gave you all a fright, but at this point the best thing we can do for Emily is keep our wits about us. We’ll know more after Dr. St. Germain and I have conferred.”

“Is she awake?” Pam asked.

“She’s still coming out of it, but yes. She’s alert and following directions.”

“When can we see her?” Alison couldn’t help but blurt it out. She looked at Emily’s parents and Hanna apologetically. She hadn’t meant to hijack the conversation. “Sorry. I’m just…”

“It’s alright.” Wayne smiled kindly at her. “She’ll want to see you, too.”

“It’s probably best if you don’t all go in at once. Don’t want to overwhelm her,” Wren said.

There was no argument about Pam and Wayne going back to see their daughter first. As antsy as Alison was, she knew that Emily’s parents had the right to check on her first. They were gone for what felt like hours, but it was only twenty minutes. When they came back Hanna glanced at Alison.

“Go ahead.” Hanna nodded.

Alison could have tackled Hanna and given her the biggest longest bear hug in the world. She opted for a really quick heartfelt ‘thank you’ before she walked off with the nurse.

“It’s not uncommon for someone who has had a seizure to be disoriented and confused. She may be a little out of it,” the nurse warned Alison.

Alison wasn’t sure what to expect. She’d seen Emily hooked up to the heart monitor and oxygen in the ambulance, but she wasn’t sure if there would be more.

The nurse drew the curtain that was around the door, pulling it back so they could walk into the room. The lighting was low, probably because Emily had been talking about her headache in the ambulance. Or maybe bright lights were bad for someone who’d had a seizure. But there was enough light for Alison to see her.

Emily recognized the sound of her heels.

“Hey, Ali,” she said quietly.

Alison wanted to rush across the room and dive into bed with her and wrap her arms around her and never let her go. She quickly moved to her bedside and took her hand.

“Hey.” Alison stroked her fingers. They had bandaged her knuckles where they had scraped the ground.

“First a graveyard, then a seizure. Worst date ever, huh?” Emily asked.

“I’ve had worse.” Alison teased.

“Liar.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.” Emily curled her hand up and took Alison’s fingers in her own. “How are you?”

“Still a little freaked to be honest.” Alison admitted.

Why hadn’t she just lied? Emily didn’t need anything else to worry about.

“They can be scary.” Emily nodded. “It’s okay to be afraid.”

Now she really felt like shit. Emily was the one sitting in a hospital bed and she was the one comforting Alison.

“You said you’ve had them for a while now?” Alison asked.

“Since I was six,” Emily said with a sigh. “The doctors diagnosed me with epilepsy back then. The tumor was so small at that point they didn’t know it was there. It was only when the headaches and seizures started to get worse that they found it. They started tapering off after my treatments. I still got them from time to time, but they were less frequent.”

“What’s it like?” Alison felt a little bit like a child asking, but she was curious. “I mean, can you tell when you’re about to have one or is it something that just comes out of nowhere?”

“I always feel a little off, like I’m being pulled out of my body.” Emily explained. “It’s kind of like being in this dark world and it holds on to you just long enough for you to think you’re never going to wake up. When I was younger I used to be able to feel one coming on. I’d get this strange sensation in my head, and everything around me felt amplified. But I haven’t had one in a while.”

“When was the last time you had one?”

“Uh…” Emily thought about it. “My first week back in Rosewood after my last treatment.”

Alison’s eyes widened.

“The Fourth of July?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh my God, Em…” Alison’s heart sank. “The night I nearly killed your family?”

She was horrible. She was a horrible person. She didn’t deserve the love Emily gave her.

Emily reached for her hand, knowing exactly where it was against the side of the bed. She had been able to feel her fingers shaking against the cot.

“The night you made a mistake…” Her other hand found Alison’s cheek. “No one is perfect, Alison.”

 _You are._ Alison thought to herself.

Her perfect girlfriend. Her beautifully perfect girlfriend. Why was this happening to her? To them? It wasn’t fair. Emily was beautiful and bright and the world deserved her, and she deserved the world.

Alison cowered. Emily heard the change in Alison’s breathing pattern.

“Remember what we talked about this morning. None of this is on you.”

“What happened?” Alison asked timidly. “Was it…was it the reason you got stuck in the garage?”

“No,” Emily said softly. “No. It was nothing like that. They had just gotten me into the hospital and I had one. I was where I needed to be, and they got it under control…”

“I wish it had been me.”

“Don’t you _ever_ say that again.” Emily’s tone came out on the edge of dangerous. Alison saw a glimpse of her she’d never seen before. She’d never been more serious in her life. She took a breath. “I would never wish any of my hardships on anyone else, especially someone I love. You are too important to me. It doesn’t matter how things happened. The point is they happened and now…we have each other because of everything we went through.”

“Em, you’re _such_ a good person. And I…”

“You are everything to me. I already told you once that I don’t care about the mistakes people make in life. We’re all stupid and flawed and ridiculous. That doesn’t make us any less important as individuals. You constantly tell me how special I am, but something I think you fail to realize is how special _you_ are…to me. I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Not my health. Not my eyesight. _Nothing_.”

And Alison knew she meant that, because it’s not like Emily could judge her based on her outward appearance. She was going by what she felt…what was _inside_. Emily saw something in her worth loving.

“You haven’t seen my bedhead.” Alison countered.

“I bet it’s sexy.” Emily lifted her brows.

“You really are blind if you believe that.”

“Love is blind.” Emily smiled.

“Then I must be blind, too. Because I don’t see one damn flaw in you.”

“Don’t.” Emily closed her mouth and took a breath through her nose. The pressure in her head was so intense that her ears were hurting. “Don’t put me on a pedestal, Ali. I’m far from perfect. You’ve only seen me at my best.”

“And you loved me at my worst.” Alison wasn’t sure that Emily knew how much that meant to her…that someone had taken her hardened outer shell and had chipped away at it until she could break free.

“I don’t think you see yourself the way I see you,” Emily said. “You aren’t defined by what you’ve done in life up to this point. You’re defined by what you choose to do in the future. It’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. It’s easier to see the good in other people than it is to see the good in ourselves.”

Emily reached up with her free hand and rubbed her eyes with her thumb and index finger. After a few seconds she dropped her hand away from her face. She looked conflicted. And tired. Trying to maintain the conversation was starting to take its toll on her. She’d lost her train of thought for a second, but she quickly regained it.

“People only see what we want them to see. They don’t see the demons from our past or parts of ourselves we might be hiding. When we look at others we only see a fraction of who they are. We look for the sun, but the truth is we all have a dark side. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve lied. I’ve done things I regret. I’ve hurt people. I’ve hurt _you_.”

“Em…you didn’t…”

“I did. I know I did. I felt it the night you found out I’d been lying to you. I felt your pain. Pain that _I_ caused.”

“But it wasn’t your fault.”

“You’re sweet.” Emily smiled weakly. “For not wanting to blame me, but I want you to know that it’s okay if you do. I want you to know that no one is perfect, least of all me.”

“You’re pretty fucking close…”

Emily shook her head.

“We spend our entire lives looking for perfection, but it just doesn’t exist. When you start looking at others in comparison to who you are you lose a part of you that makes you unique. Looking for joy in other people doesn’t mean you have to invalidate who you are as a person. That’s how people lose themselves. I don’t…I don’t want that for you. Promise me that you’re going to start looking for the good in yourself.”

“I…I don’t know if there was any good in me before I met you.”

“Well, _I_ see it. And I’m as blind as you can get.” Emily squeezed her hand. “You need to start loving yourself the way you love me.”

Alison considered Emily’s words, and she started to wonder if she’d ever truly loved herself. She’d boasted and flaunted her beauty and she’d always considered herself better than everyone she knew. But had she _ever_ really loved herself? It wasn’t until Emily had loved her that she realized that she was capable of feeling anything.

“Why do you love me?” Alison asked. It didn’t come out as self-centered, but rather…curiosity.

She saw Emily smile. The brunette reached up with her hand in search of Alison’s face. Alison helped her find it. Emily’s IV line brushed Alison’s arm as her palm grazed her cheek.

“Because when I’m with you I can see the whole world. In your touch. In your laugh. In your heart. In your eyes. I see it all. But the amazing thing is that of all the sights to see in the entire world, I know without a doubt that you are the most beautiful thing in it. And I only want to look at you.”

Alison felt a tear slip down her cheek. Emily swiped her thumb underneath her eye to catch it. Alison was amazed she’d been able to sense it. Alison stood motionless as she got lost in Emily’s touch. She never wanted it to end.

“I should probably stop hogging you,” Alison said quietly. “Hanna might smack me if I don’t let her see you.”

“Hanna came?”

“Of course. She’s waiting with Ace.”

“She came all the way from Rosewood?” Emily seemed puzzled.

Alison frowned. She could see the confusion on Emily’s face.

“We had breakfast with her. Don’t you…you don’t remember?” Alison stroked her cheek.

“I…um…I remember…” She squinted her face in thought. “We were…weren’t we…we talked, didn’t we? We…we talked about…” She struggled to remember, “…the stars.”

“We…what?” Alison asked in confusion.

“On the roof…” Emily’s thoughts were so jumbled that she couldn’t separate the past from the present. She slowly moved her hand away from Alison’s face. “I told you about her.” The harder she tried to concentrate the harder it was for her to think. “We met…we were at the pool.”

“I remember.” Alison smiled through her tears.

“I met her there…” Emily was starting to fade. Alison could see it. “She was beautiful. Her eyes were so blue…”

Alison bit her lip. The room was silent except for the low pulsing of the monitor bleating every few seconds.

“Maya?” Emily asked, her eyes searching for someone who wasn’t there.

Alison choked back her anguish. It was so hard to see Emily like this. And she knew it was only going to get worse.

“I think you’re confused, babe,” Alison said.

Emily blinked a few times. She reached out and gently touched Alison’s arm and it brought her out of the darkness. She waited for her muddled thoughts to subside.

“I’m sorry, Ali. I’m just tired.” Emily admitted.

“Just hold out for a few more minutes, okay? Hanna really wants to see you. I’m going to go get her.”

“Okay.” Emily nodded.

Alison kissed her on the forehead and then quietly padded out of the room to go get Hanna. She walked out into the waiting area. Hanna glanced up from a magazine she was reading. Ace saw her coming and he sat up, his hindquarters still against the ground, but his eyes on her. Alison looked around for Emily’s parents, but didn’t see them.

“How is she?” Hanna asked.

“She’s kind of out of it,” Alison sat down next to her. “She was okay at first, but she tired out pretty quickly.”

“That’s normal for her after a seizure,” Hanna said.

“Where are her mom and dad?”

“Nate’s here,” Hanna explained. “They’re talking to him.”

“Is that bad?” Alison grimaced.

“No, they’re just getting each other up to speed.” Hanna put the magazine down. “He said something about taking her to neurology for an EEG.”

“What’s that?”

“Measures electrical activity in the brain. It’s standard.” Hanna reached out to pet Ace.

“If I had one of those done right now my brainwaves would be off the charts.” Alison frowned.

That got a laugh out of Hanna.

“How does she stand it?” Alison sighed.

“She’s used to it.”

“How do _you_ stand it? How are you not a complete wreck right now?”

Hanna turned to face her.

“Because I’m really good at burying everything in the deepest parts of my mind and then revisiting those feelings by accident one day and snapping over something as stupid as forgetting to buy a jar of pickles at the store.” Hanna glanced at Alison. “Don’t use me as an example on how to handle this in a healthy manner. I’m the poster child for unhealthy coping mechanisms.”

Alison frowned and looked at the floor. She nervously wringed her hands together and bounced her right leg anxiously.

“Hospitals should have built in bars that serve drinks to people in our position.”

“There’s one down the street that doesn’t ID.” Hanna shrugged, watching Alison’s nervous body language. “Though, eleven in the morning is a little early to start.” She glanced at her watch. “Why don’t you take Ace out? Get some air?” She offered Alison the dog’s leash. “I’ll text you if anything comes up.”

“I promised her I wouldn’t leave…”

“It’s not like you’re hopping on a bus out of town.”

“Like I’d ever be caught dead on a bus?” Alison scoffed. Alison DiLaurentis didn’t _do_ public transportation.

“You’ll just be right outside. Trust me, fresh air is your friend. You’re going to be seeing a lot of dark hospital rooms in the coming days. Take the Vitamin D where you can get it.”

“You just want me to be a glorified dog-walker.” Alison rolled her eyes, taking Ace’s leash.

“ _Thank you for looking out for my well-being, Hanna._ ” Hanna mocked her.

“You promise you’ll text?”

“I’ll do you one better and stick my head out a window and wave at you like one of those wacky inflatable things you see on used car lots.”

Alison nodded with a weak laugh. She still didn’t understand how Hanna was being so rational. There was only so much someone could compartmentalize. She was sure Hanna had to be at her limit.

Alison took Hanna’s advice and walked outside. Ace stayed by her side as they walked around the building. He always did. It was part of his training. She wasn’t sure if she was walking him or if he was walking her. Either way, they walked together for almost thirty minutes.

She found a serenity garden that had a built in stream. She walked over to a bench by some flowers that were in bloom and she sat down to watch the water trickling through the little man-made riverbed. She looked around, surprised that no one else was around.

She felt relief that she was alone. Because she could cry without anyone seeing her. She lowered her head and let all of the emotions she was holding in flow out of her. Tears streamed below the rims of her sunglasses. The lenses started to become cloudy from the tears collecting on her eyelashes. After a few minutes, she felt completely cried out. She felt Ace nudge her hand with his nose.

“She’ll be okay, won’t she, Ace?” She looked over at him helplessly. She stared at him and he stared back. _Get a grip, Alison. You’re talking to a dog._

She reached over to pet him, deciding that she’d only officially admit that she’d lost it if the dog talked back to her. When she didn’t hear any voices she relaxed into the bench. Ace laid his big blocky head against her thigh. It made her feel more at ease.

She sat outside listening to the sounds of nature for another thirty minutes. She wasn’t usually a big fan of being outdoors unless it was at the beach or by the pool. But there was something strangely soothing about being in the garden.

She saw a few butterflies. She watched them in awe. No wonder Maya had loved them. They fluttered around like brightly colored foliage. She watched one land on a blood red rose. She stared at the multi-colored creature, getting lost in the blend of hues. And she started to think about the fact that Emily could no longer see, yet she still somehow saw the magic the world had to offer.

She heard footsteps approaching. She looked over and saw Wayne walking towards her. She smiled politely, grateful that her sunglasses were covering her puffy eyes.

“Mind if I join you?” Wayne asked.

Alison nodded absentmindedly. She still froze up around Emily’s parents sometimes. She wasn’t used to adults actually treating her with civility.

“I like to come here to think, too,” Wayne said, looking down at Ace. “I usually bring Ace with me. Or he brings me.”

“Huh.” Alison laughed, looking at the Retriever. “You totally led me out here, didn’t you?”

She felt his tail thump against the base of the bench.

“He does that a lot.” Wayne smiled. “Pretty sure he knows what we need better than we know what we need. He’s an _Ace_ of a detective.”

Alison was not expecting the cringeworthy dad joke, so it made her laugh harder than she was expecting.

“That sounds like something Emily would say.” Alison’s laughter slowly ceased.

“Well, she did get her impeccably timed wit from me.” He chuckled. “Thankfully she got her mother’s looks and not my brows and ears.”

Alison laughed again.

“She’s really lucky to have you and Mrs. Fields. Every kid should be so lucky.”

“She’s lucky to have you, too,” he replied. “I understand what she sees in you.”

Alison smiled bashfully, though he could see the pain she was trying to hide below the surface.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

She wanted to break down and sob and cry and hug him and hold him tight and let him comfort her, but she barely knew the man. She knew he’d comfort her, without a doubt. It’s just the kind of dad he was. But she felt guilty asking him to be there for her when she knew that his little girl was clinging to her life by a thread.

“It’s okay if you’re overwhelmed,” he said.

“I feel bad that I missed it.” How many times had Emily needed her, but had been too stubborn to say anything?

“Emily is remarkably good at presenting herself the way she wants to be seen. She’s not one to stand back and let life happen. She likes to be in every moment.”

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I…” She wanted to finish her sentence _“fell in love with her”_ but she felt awkward talking to Emily’s dad about it.

“I know you love my daughter, Alison,” he said with a kindhearted smile. “And I’m glad. I’ve never seen her happier.”

Alison shuffled her feet against the ground, uncertain of how to respond. If she told her mom and dad that she was in love with Emily they wouldn’t give her the time of day, and here she had someone she wasn’t even related to actually reaching out to her. It was weird for her. But it was also a welcome change she needed in her life.

Wayne sensed she was uneasy, so he let her think in peace for a few minutes. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and then looked over at Alison.

“You know, when Emily was a little girl her mother and I would take her on our hikes with us. Most kids insist on being carried, but not Emily. She wanted to be in front of us. She wanted to see everything. And we had to really keep an eye on her, because she had a habit of running off and getting into mischief.”

He played with the edge of a glossy piece of a corner that was sticking out of his wallet.

“Usually, she was pretty good about staying with us, but one day she ran ahead. Her mother was terrified she was going to get lost or that she was going to accidentally slip off of the path and fall off of a cliff, but when we caught up to her she was sitting on a downed tree trunk. She had a fawn eating some of her trail mix right out of the palm of her hand.”

He pulled out a photo from a side pocket in his wallet. It was faded and it was creased and ripped at the corners. Some of the colors had a yellow tinge to it and there were certain areas around the border where it was deteriorating. He handed the photo to Alison. She looked at it and smiled.

The picture had captured Emily, around five-years-old, the little girl Alison remembered from the pool. In the photo she had an innocent look on her face, an admiration for what was happening. Her soft brown eyes were focused on the baby deer. Her little hand was open and the curious creature was delicately plucking through the snacks being offered. Emily had the sweetest smile and the most awe-inspiring look of appreciation for the whole thing on her face.

“She’s always been a risk-taker,” Wayne said. “Drives her mother and me crazy. A lot of kids don’t want to let go of their parents’ hands. My wife and I had a hard time keeping Emily in our grasp. She was always taking big leaps. And she never let anything stop her, which as a parent can be a little bit nerve-wracking. There were times she fell down, and just as soon as I was getting ready to help her get up, she was already on her feet, dusting off the dirt. She’d look at me and smile and say _“I’m okay, daddy”_ and she kept going.”

“I didn’t know what the word _resilient_ meant until I met her.” Alison stared at the picture of little Emily. Even when she was a kid she radiated something that Alison had never seen before.

“She’s always been a fearless kid. Tackles everything life throws at her. She doesn’t always get what she wants. But she fights for what she _needs_.” Wayne smiled softly at her. “My daughter is not one to let life pass her by, and she certainly isn’t one to back down from a fight. And from what I’ve seen, you have given her an awful lot to fight for.”

Alison’s lips twitched as she tried to contain her emotions.

“I _really_ love your daughter, Mr. Fields,” she said quietly. She felt so weird talking to Emily’s dad about their relationship. Was this what a normal father-daughter relationship was like? “I do. More than anything in the world.”

“I knew that the second I met you at the park,” he said. “I had you pegged the minute you sat down next to her.”

“You saw that?” Alison glanced away with a bashful look.

“I’m special ops,” he replied with a cool smile. “I see everything.”

“You’re the reason she’s so observant.” Alison looked at the picture of Emily again.

She had been so tiny. So precious. She was grown now, but she was still just as precious.

“I’d love to take credit for that, but she’s been that way since she was a baby.” He had a thoughtful expression on his face. “She used to lie awake and just stare…look at things for hours. She didn’t cry. She just watched everything. It’s almost like she knew how much she needed to see, to appreciate.” His eyes narrowed. “Hardships often have the potential to destroy someone’s world view.” He drifted off in thought, and Alison could tell his mind was overseas. Emily’s illness wasn’t the only hardship in the Fields’ lives. “Difficult times have a way of shifting a positive life into a negative one. But through it all, she’s always been the same sweet baby she always was with the same heart.”

“I don’t know how she does it,” Alison sighed.

“I’m not saying it was easy. She’s had ups and downs. We all have. But she recognizes that this isn’t just about her. She knows the ramifications it has for the people around her. It’s why she shuts down. It’s why she kept it hidden from you…from all of us.”

“Were you mad at her for lying?” Alison asked curiously.

“At first,” Wayne admitted. “As a parent, your natural instinct is to call your kid an idiot when they do something dangerous or stupid.”

Alison laughed. She imagined Emily got called an idiot a lot when she was growing up, because she’d apparently done a lot of dangerous and stupid things. But when her parents got angry at her, it was out of love. It was different than the way Alison had grown up.

“But she didn’t do it out of malice. She genuinely thought we were better off in the dark. Especially you. She was so worried about what it would do to you. It was hard for her…keeping this part of herself from you,” he explained. And Alison knew he was being honest. Because he knew his little girl. “I imagine it hasn’t been easy for you either.”

Alison blinked in surprise and looked at him. His concern for her made her want to cry. She wasn’t used to this level of affection from anyone except for Emily. But of course her dad cared. That’s where Emily had learned it.

“I imagine you feel all kinds of things you’ve never felt before, like you’re struggling in quicksand. The more you fight against your pain, the worse it gets. Is that about right?” he asked.

Alison nodded.

“You’re afraid,” he said. “It’s okay to be afraid.” He echoed Emily’s sentiments.

Alison peered at him curiously. She couldn’t help but wonder if this is what he’d said to Hanna years ago when Emily was first diagnosed.

“I just feel…alone,” she admitted. “I’ve always felt…” She stopped herself. “I’ve just never really had…”

_Love. A support system. Someone who cared._

But she couldn’t force herself to say it. She had Jason. She’d always had her brother, but it wasn’t the same as having parents who truly cared. Wayne sensed what she was going to say.

“I don’t know much about your home life, Alison,” he said, almost timidly.

He wasn’t sure if he was overstepping. He’d made some assumptions based on things he’d heard about her parents, but he wasn’t sure how accurate the information was.

“Emily hasn’t told us much.” He faced her, and for a second Alison felt like he was looking past the wall she had up. The wall that no one except for Emily had been able to get past. “She feels like it isn’t her place. But I want you to know that you’ll always have family in us. This is one of the hardest things anyone could ever go through. You don’t have to fight that battle alone. I want you to know that my wife and I are here for you, too. You are a part of this family, too.”

Alison smiled weakly at him and managed to mutter out a thank you. She reached out and put her hand on Ace’s head and scratched between his ears, just to do something with her excess emotions. She heard her phone chime. She ripped it out of her pocket quickly. It was a text from Hanna.

“It’s Hanna,” she said.

_“Em’s scan is finished. I’m hanging with her. She’s okay. You okay?”_

Alison glanced at Wayne. She smiled as she sent her response.

_“I’m not okay. But Emily’s dad says that not being okay is totally normal. I’m in the serenity garden with him and Ace.”_

“She says they’re finished with Emily’s scan,” she said without looking away from her phone.

_“He means what he says, Alison. When you’re a part of the Fields family they take care of you.”_

_“I’m starting to understand that.”_ She replied. She added, _“Tell Emily I’ll be back in a few minutes.”_

_“Take your time. She’s not going anywhere.”_

_“Hanna I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Marin, was that a joke?”_

_“Depends. Did you find it…humerus?”_

Alison rolled her eyes at the pun.

_“Stop. Seriously.”_

_“That one was compliments of your girlfriend.”_

Hanna looked at the phone and laughed. Emily had been a little bit more coherent when Hanna had come into the room. She had been sitting with Emily for ten minutes. Hanna finished up her message to Alison and then put her phone up.

“I’d place bets on her knocking over every nurse and orderly she sees in the hallway just to get back here in record time,” Hanna said. “How is that headache treating you?”

“It’s not _great_ , but I’ve had worse.”

“I should have seen it coming.” Hanna clicked her tongue. “You looked a little off at breakfast.”

“I think Alison said something to me about me looking weird at the cemetery, too. It’s kind of a blur. But I remember her being concerned.”

“When _isn’t_ she concerned when it comes to you?”

“Fair point.” Emily nodded, rubbing her head. “I must have scared the hell out of her.”

“No, I’m fairly certain she still has hell ingrained into her cloven hooves.” Hanna jokingly poked Emily.

“You’re still on that whole _Sabrina the Teenage Bitch_ thing, huh?”

“That was a memory test. Congratulations. My superior humor is still somewhere swirling around in that brain of yours.” She pressed her index finger against Emily’s temple.

“So, I was spacey after the seizure?” Emily guessed.

“Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.”

“What did I say to her?” Emily questioned.

“I think you might have mistaken her for Maya.”

“Shit.” Emily lamented. “That’s almost as bad as saying the wrong name during sex.”

“Oh? Were you fantasizing about me again in the midst of your hotel _passions_?” Hanna teased her.

“Shut up, Hanna.”

“Well, you’re still you. That seizure didn’t affect your sharp intellect and your quick wit.”

Emily rubbed her eyes until they were watery. Her face felt hot. The medications did that to her sometimes.

“It has only been _one_ day and I’ve already traumatized her.”

“ _You_ didn’t do anything.” Hanna corrected her. “The tumor did. Give yourself a break.”

“I never should have agreed to let her come out here.”

Hanna snorted out a laugh.

“Maybe you _are_ brain damaged. This is Alison DiLaurentis we’re talking about here. If you had told her _no_ she would have said _fuck you, I’m doing it anyway._ ”

“It’s my job to protect her…”

“Uh, no.” Hanna sharply disagreed. “It’s your job to let us take care of you for once. Don’t push yourself so hard. Just get some rest. This is going to be a long road.”

Emily didn’t argue. She knew Hanna was right.

“I just hope I don’t drive her over a cliff.” Emily frowned.

“Bitch, please. _I’m_ driving shotgun on this roadtrip.”

She chuckled, but then cringed in pain. Her head still felt like she’d been smacked by a mallet.

“You’re going to have to go easy on the humor. You might just kill me before the cancer does.”

“Whatever. I’m putting money on you running around _the city of love_ with your little girlfriend in like two weeks. You’re going to Chuck Norris the shit out of this, Em.”

Emily smiled. Hanna wasn’t always subtle, but she always knew what to say when the chips were down.

They heard footsteps approaching. Hanna assumed Alison was rushing to be by Emily’s side, but Emily knew differently. She recognized his gait.

“Hey, Nate,” she said as he walked into the room.

“How the hell do you do that?” Hanna muttered. Emily never ceased to amaze her. She faced Nate. “Did the two of you take tap dancing classes or something together the last time she was here where she memorized your walk? Or is it like…a smell thing or…what?”

“Hello to you, too, Hanna.” Nate waved with a laugh. “You still running around getting my best patient into trouble?”

“Depends. Do you keep up with national news?”

“It’s always a pleasure to see you in my hospital,” he uttered sarcastically.

“Play nice you two.” Emily playfully warned them.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, walking next to her bed.

“Uh…like I got hit by a bus…full of bricks,” Emily replied. “But enough about me. How are you? Seen any good ballgames lately?”

Nate and Hanna both laughed. They saw Emily cringe when she laughed. Nate glanced at the bag of IV fluids. Then he looked at her chart.

“Your pain meds should have kicked in by now.”

“They have. It’s better than it was.”

“I’ll put in an order for an additional dose to keep you comfortable,” he said.

“Thanks,” she replied. “Do you have the results of my scans and my bloodwork?”

He didn’t answer at first. The look of hesitation on his face worried Hanna. They glanced at one another.

“You know, normally I’m all for a little anticipation when building up to something, but the suspense is killing me here. Literally.” Emily didn’t like the silence.

“We have some things we need to talk about.” Nate took a seat beside her bed.

Emily felt an aching numbness shoot down her spine. She hated the feeling of her stomach suddenly feeling one hundred pounds heavier when she had to have talks like these. Despite having gone through it for more than ten years, she never got used to it.

She took a breath to relax herself and then nodded.

“Lay it on me.”

* * *

 **A/N:** _WHAT? I’m going to leave it there, with THAT? I am THE WORST! I know. But you all know how I do. Thanks for your continued support. I know my updates are coming a little slower than usual. My inner critic becomes very loud when the end is near. Are we still all holding on tight with our seatbelts tightly fastened? I know this one was a little bumpy. Like Emily said...from graveyards to seizures to hospitals, what a lousy date. Hopefully the tender moments Alison had with Hanna and Wayne softened the blow a bit. I mean, who wouldn’t love baby Emily feeding a fawn? Also, the Helen and Hobert thing felt like classic Hanna Marin to me._


	31. In Contrast

**A/N:** _*taps mic* (nervously) “Is..is this thing on?” I know my updates are starting to slow down. I thank you for your resistance in using the pitchforks. I want to thank you for all the sweet support you give me. I get very much in my head when a story is nearing its end. It’s a fun little sideshow in my head between my heart, my brain, and my inner critic and all of them are just going all WWE on each other. I should sell tickets._

* * *

  **Chapter 31:**

**In Contrast**

Six weeks into Emily’s treatment Alison had adjusted to the new normal. It had been rocky at first. She slipped away to cry at least once a day. She had panic attacks out of nowhere. Her nightmares were unprecedented. She got nauseated every time Emily had a scan or any time one of the doctors came in with a progress report.

But watching Emily’s determination and tenacity inspired her. She somehow found strength she didn’t know she had. It got to the point where Emily’s seizures didn’t scare her anymore. She learned what to do for her headaches and how to pull her out of a bad memory.

Emily’s prognosis wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible either. She was stuck in a tug-of-war between life and death. She had lapses in her memory sometimes. Her meds made her sick, so she was losing weight. She had hand tremors and trouble gripping things on occasion. But through it all, she remained the same Emily she’d always been. She never lost hope.

Seeing Emily’s strength only made Alison fall even more in love with her. She had a newfound appreciation not only for Emily, but for her family. Toby was a frequent visitor. Spencer came with him quite a bit. Hanna and Caleb spent their weekends with them. Aria and Ezra called almost every day and came to visit as often as they could.

Alison got close to Emily’s friends, but she formed a bond with Emily’s parents that really made her feel like part of the family. And she absolutely fell in love with Lily. She played with her every chance that she got. That little girl taught her so much about life.

Alison was there every day, despite Emily trying to get her to go out and do things for herself. Sometimes Emily had to force Hanna or Toby to kidnap Alison and take her out for a day to have a nice dinner or get a mani-pedi.

Alison had taken to doing yoga in the mornings to try and help get herself centered for the day. A mere year before all of this had happened she would have mocked anyone who wore yoga pants and participated in the “hipster holistic version of lite voo-doo” as she’d once called it. Emily was the only person she’d ever seen in yoga pants who didn’t make her want to barf. Before she learned about Emily’s cancer, she thought yoga was dumb. But now she looked forward to it. And yoga pants had been life changing. They were part of her daily attire now.

For the most part she spent most of her time at the hospital. She got to know Nate and Wren and the other doctors and nurses.

She strolled the hospital hallways like she’d strolled every other place she’d ever been: like she owned the place. But she carried something with her that she hadn’t in her previous exploits: kindness. She developed a gentle ferocity with a caring nature. Their hardships had taught her extreme patience, or...as patient as Alison DiLaurentis could be.

She waved to the familiar faces as she walked by the front desk of the juvenile oncology department. She didn’t even need a visitor’s badge anymore. Everyone knew her.

She stopped long enough to drop off a dozen doughnuts. The way the staff lit up would have given the impression that she’d saved the world.

“You know you don’t have to bribe us to let you in,” one of the assistants at the desk teased her.

“Shh, be quiet. It’s free food.” Her coworker nudged her with a laugh.

The nursing assistant opened the double doors for her and told her to say hello to Emily and Lily. Alison walked in carrying a cup holder with several coffees.

The first thing she saw when she walked through the doors was Wren standing up behind a computer. He was furiously typing away with a tight look of concentration on his face.

“Morning, Wren.” Alison waved. “Tough morning?”

When he looked up and saw her his face softened. He smiled.

“Busy night.”

“Ah, Lily kept you up playing _The Adventures of Bobo Bear and Prince Ducky Scrubs._ ”

“That bloody bear sees more adventures than I do.” Wren chuckled.

She sat the cup holder down and pulled a cup out of it.

“Got you your regular. Cream. No sugar.”

“Ah, bless.” Wren smiled, taking the drink from her. “Thank you, Alison.”

She nodded back with a smile. She saw Nate coming out of a patient’s room down at the end of the hallway. He walked over towards the central desk.

“She brought petrol.” Wren sipped his coffee as he walked by Nate to go check on another one of his patients.

“Coffee. Black. Two sugars.” Alison handed Nate his regular order.

“You really have to stop spoiling my staff.” Nate smiled, taking the drink.

“Yeah, talk to Emily about that. She’s the one who forces me to go out and _do good_ in the world.” She put quotations around “do good” and rolled her eyes with a laugh. “Even got me into this stupid yoga shit for my “mental health”.” She threw up quotations with her fingers again.

“She gives me the same spiel. Even when she was younger. Sometimes there would be days where I’d be worn down about a patient or running on fumes. She always knew when I was not sleeping or skipping meals or not getting enough hydration. It was like she was the adult and I was the kid. She was always on me about taking care of myself. _‘You can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself,’_ she’d tell me.”

“It’s annoying.” Alison frowned. “I wish she’d think of herself for once.”

“It’s just her way. It makes her feel good knowing others feel good.”

Alison paused to think about it. She’d never really looked at it from that perspective. She rubbed her fingers through her hair and down across her face and huffed out a groan.

“Ugh, God. Why did I have to fall in love with a philanthropist?”

“The question is how could you _not_ fall in love with her?” Nate smiled. “Do you know how rare it is to find someone who doesn’t let the pain of life destroy their light?”

Alison considered his question, getting lost in her own thoughts. Life hadn’t hardened Emily, despite it doing nothing but torturing her. In fact, it had only made her resolve stronger.

“I…don’t know what I believe.” Alison broke the silence. “But if there is a higher power I think she probably broke the mold making Emily.”

“Without a doubt,” he agreed. “It’s hard holding on to hope and optimism doing what I do. But she makes me believe in a better world.”

He glanced at Alison, as he often did when he was trying to get a read on her. He’d spent a lot of time with her. He liked her. And he trusted her. But he was very protective of Emily.

“Which is why I feel the need to make sure you’ll never hurt her. Or I’ll be forced to use my medical skills for evil. I know over a dozen different ways to make death look like natural causes.” He lifted an eyebrow mischievously.

Alison laughed. She was used to his banter. It was just his way of trying to make her feel included in their little family unit. She’d been told that Maya had called Emily “new girl” for the longest time, and now, for all intents and purposes, Alison was “new girl”.

“You really did become like a big brother to her, didn’t you?” Alison smiled.

“Kids with no siblings tend to get adopted into the lives of those around them whether they want to be or not. She had like five different brothers and sisters within a week of her being here last time.”

“Have I ever thanked you for taking care of her?” Alison asked.

“I mean, I just kind of assumed the constant coffee and doughnuts was a token of your gratitude.” He shrugged. “I don’t know if you know this, but you can totally buy the love of a hospital with sugar and caffeine.”

“Can it buy Emily a cure?” she mumbled.

“If only.” Nate frowned.

“Is she any closer to an outpatient treatment option?” Alison questioned.

He had a conflicted look on his face. It worried her.

“I know you’re sick of the hospital,” he replied softly. “I’m sure she is, too. But I’m not comfortable releasing her given her symptoms. We’re worried about her neurological deficits. We really need to monitor her here to keep her from deteriorating further. Her increase in seizure activity alone is reason enough for us to keep an eye on her.”

“I could do that from anywhere. And her parents. She feels a precursor every time she’s about to have one. And I thought the medications were part of the reason she’s so mixed up all the time?”

“What have I told you about reading Doctor Google?” Nate teased.

“That was actually Doctor My-Cousin. She’s been nose deep in medical journals ever since she found out about Em.” Alison had been talking to Spencer almost daily about Emily’s prognosis. Spencer had quickly become an expert in the field. “Obviously, I know she’s still really sick, but I thought that cancer patients could be treated at home once they were on a stable treatment course. Unless...” Alison bit her lip. “Is she not stable?”

“Listen, I know this is tough, but with this particular treatment protocol she needs to be in a controlled environment. She needs to be _here_. If something happens, the faster we can get to her and treat her, the better.”

Alison lowered her head and sighed. She knew it was going to be exhausting being at the hospital all the time, but she’d only prepared herself for the lack of sleep. She hadn’t prepared herself for the emotional exhaustion that took root the second she walked through the doors.

“Is there any news on how the treatment is progressing?” she asked hopefully.

“No change.” He shook his head. “It’s no better. But it’s no worse either. We’re at a stalemate. In fact, I…” He stopped himself before finishing his thought.

He rescinded his eye contact and peered to his left. He was definitely sitting on something. He was being shifty, and Alison didn’t like it.

“You what?” Alison pushed.

“Nothing.” It was a flat out lie and Alison knew it. “I’m just at my wit’s end.” He seemed angry at himself.

“I know you’re doing everything you can,” she said.

“I just wish she was feeling better.” He sighed.

“How is she doing today?”

“She has a little more energy than yesterday. She’s in with Lily telling her a story.”

Alison felt her skin prickling. She knew Emily was exhausted, and yet she was still pushing herself.

“Isn’t she supposed to be resting?”

“I have never been able to keep her in one place.” Nate shrugged it off. “It’s who she is.”

“Well, you’re her doctor. Can’t you force her with the sheer power of your big PHD doctorly ways?”

“Not how it works.” Nate chuckled. “But I applaud your effort.” He drank some of his coffee. “Thanks for the coffee. I’ve got a patient I’ve got to look in on.”

“And I’ve got a patient I need to yell at for ignoring her doctor’s orders.”

“Boy, that yoga is really doing wonders for your mental health.” Nate teased her.

“She’s about to witness a mental breakdown if she keeps pushing herself. I’m going to come at her with something a lot stronger than doctor’s orders,” she grumbled.

“We work well together.” He lifted his cup to salute her.

Alison turned sharply on her feet to walk off, muttering about wringing Emily’s neck. But her frustration dissipated when she got to Lily’s room and saw Emily sitting in Lily’s bed with the toddler in her lap. Lily was curled up against Emily, her little face against Emily’s chest. She looked so calm and serene when she was with Emily. Emily was in the middle of telling her a story. Alison stopped to listen. She loved hearing Emily’s stories as much as Lily did.

“…but even though the cave of unknown was dark and scary, the princess and the mermaid knew they had to make their way through it. The princess used her magical crown, which lit up the darkness around them. They tiptoed quietly because they didn’t want to wake the sleeping dragon, because it breathed fire and liked to eat princesses and mermaids for snacks.”

“Mean old dragon.” Lily frowned, puffing her lips out in a frown.

“Even though they were _very_ careful and they protected one another, the dragon heard them. The princess and the mermaid were very quiet and very still.” She stiffened up in the bed to simulate what was happening in the story. “And then…” She lowered her voice, “…the cave suddenly started to…” She shook Lily gently, “SHAKE!”

Lily giggled and buried her face into Emily’s chest and hugged her.

“The princess and the mermaid were strong, and they tried to defeat the dragon. But they knew they needed help. So you know what they did?”

“What?”

“They called their favorite superhero.” She tickled Lily. “And she came flying in to help her friends. And with her help, the _mean old dragon_ …” She changed her voice to sound scary, “…surrendered. He knew he couldn’t defeat them. So he allowed them passage through his cave to safety.”

“That was nice of the mean dragon.”

“It was very nice. Because when the princess, the mermaid, and the superhero made it to the other side they found the most beautiful kingdom in all the land. It was filled with riches and beautiful flowers and the most delicious food you’ve ever tasted.”

“Did they have tater tots?”

“Oh, they had a whole BUILDING full of tater tots.” Emily nodded. “They called it “Tater Tot Tower’.”

“So cool!” Lily exclaimed in excitement. “Did they live in Tater Tot Tower forever and ever together?”

“They lived in Tater Tot Tower, _and_ they lived happily ever after.”

“I like that story, Emmy.” Lily delicately patted Emily’s arm.

The little girl carefully sat up. She knew that Emily hadn’t been feeling well, and she knew that she was weak. She was very mindful not to hurt her Emmy.

“Do we have time for another story?”

“Maybe later, sweet girl.”

“Is it time for your medicine?”

“Not quite yet.” Emily smiled at her. “But it is time for the little superhero to take her nap.”

Lily shuffled out of bed. Her little covered feet padded against the floor as she pushed her butt away from the edge of the mattress.

“You need to get back in this bed, little lady.” Emily moved her legs over the edge of the bed.

She was fully ready to chase the toddler down. Alison was getting ready to step in and stop her when Lily stopped. She grabbed Emily’s cane. She took Emily’s hand, closing her palm around two of Emily’s fingers. She pulled with all of her little three-year-old might to try and help her up.

“You’re really putting your super-strength to use, huh?” Emily rubbed her hand against Lily’s head.

She handed Emily her cane.

“I used my superpowers to make it into a magic wand to make you feel better.”

Alison and Emily both smiled.

“Thank you, munchkin,” Emily said with a laugh.

Lily climbed back into bed without having to be told to do so. Emily felt around for the covers and pulled them up over her legs and chest.

“You be good.”

“Will you sing me a song?” Lily asked.

Alison knew there was no way Emily would tell that sweet little baby no. And she kindly obliged to Lily’s request. Alison listened to her sing something she’d heard her croon to Lily a few times before.

“ _There’s always tomorrow for dreams to come true…_ ”

Alison watched her with a heart that was full of both love and pain. She wasn’t sure how it was possible, but she fell more in love with her with each passing minute.

“… _believe in your dreams come what may._ ”

Lily watched her with the sweetest adoring eyes that Alison had ever seen.

“ _There’s always tomorrow with so much to do, and so little time in a day._ ”

Lily snuggled against her pillow and yawned.

“ _We all pretend the rainbow has an end, and you’ll be there my friend some day._ ” Emily hummed quietly before continuing, “ _There’s always tomorrow for dreams to come true. Tomorrow is not far away._ ”

After she’d gotten Lily settled Emily told her she’d be back to see her soon and then moved towards the door. Alison moved out of the way to let her through. She could see that Emily was unsteady on her feet, and she was certain that she’d been pushing herself too hard.

Emily lifted her head. She could smell Alison’s perfume and body wash.

“Spying on me again?” Emily teased weakly.

“I wouldn’t have to if you stayed in one place.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Emily reached out with her free hand, gently asking for support to walk. Alison let her lean on her.

“You know, I should be scolding you.” Alison frowned as they took a few steps. “But that was a great story and a really amazing song. I’ve heard it before. Where is it from?”

“The _Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer_ movie _._ You remember that really old weird Claymation Christmas special? My mom apparently grew up watching those old things. She used to sing that song to me when I was in the hospital and couldn’t sleep.”

“That’s really sweet.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. They walked by a few rooms, but Emily started to get winded. “Hold on a second.” She paused in her stride. She had to stop and take a few breaths.

“Let me get a wheelchair…” Alison offered.

“No. I made it to her room without an issue. I can make it back to mine.”

“Emily Catherine Fields, I will not have you passing out in this hallway.” Alison frowned.

“You sound like my mom.” Emily scoffed.

“Honey, you’re exhausted. I can see it. You have got to start taking it easy.”

“If I slow down I think too much.” Emily admitted. “I don’t want to think. I just…I want to live while I’m still breathing.”

Alison understood her plight, and even though she wanted to argue with her, she let Emily have her way. She knew how important it was for her to maintain her independence while she had it. All the medications she was taking were wreaking havoc on her body. Sometimes she’d have trouble gripping things with her hands. Sometimes it was hard for her to walk. And she had periods of acute memory loss. Alison talked to her every day to try and keep her cognitive functions sharp.

“Did you get _any_ rest while I was out doing random acts of kindness that you insisted on?”

“Not really,” Emily admitted. “My dad fell asleep. And he makes noises that put a chainsaw to shame when he sleeps. I had to get out. I thought Lily might enjoy the company.”

Emily started walking again and Alison moved along with her.

“You remember what you told me you wanted me to do this morning?” Alison questioned, a part of her test that she used to keep Emily on her toes.

“Same thing you do every morning. Get breakfast and coffee for the staff.” Emily nodded. “Give me a harder one.”

Alison glanced forward and saw they were just a few paces away from Emily’s room.

“Let’s get you back to bed first.”

Emily didn’t argue. They walked into her room. It had been decorated with things Emily loved, including pictures of her friends. Even though she couldn’t see them, it was a comfort to have their presence around.

Alison closed the door behind them to shut out the noise of the hospital surrounding them. She started to help her get into the bed, but Emily waved her off. Alison glared at her. She didn’t like it when Emily wouldn’t accept her help. She made it back into her bed and laid her cane against the edge of her tray table.

She tried to hide the discomfort she was feeling. Her entire body was aching. Her head felt like it was crammed in the jaws of a vise that was slowly adding more and more pressure to her skull. All the movement had made her feel out of breath. It took her a few minutes to settle into the mattress.

“You need anything?” Alison asked.

“No.” Emily replied.

“Want some company?” Alison moved next to the bed.

“For you? I’ll always make room.” Emily said.

Emily moved as far over to the edge of the bed as she could, giving Alison a space to squeeze in next to her. It was a tight fit, because the bed was small. But they made it work. Alison nuzzled up closely to her. Emily wrapped her arms around the blonde. She’d lost a lot of weight over the past six weeks. Her bones were more prominent. But Alison still felt safe and secure in her arms. For a few minutes neither one of them said anything. They just melded into each other. Emily reached out and stroked her fingers through Alison’s hair.

“You doing okay, Ali?” she asked softly.

Alison couldn’t help but laugh. Emily was the one sicker than hell, but she wanted to know if _she_ was okay.

“I’m fine, Em.”

“Are you _really_ fine, or are you just telling me that because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

“I’m really fine.” Alison assured her, kissing the side of her neck, eliciting a sigh from Emily. “This princess will make it through whatever dark caves filled with dragons as long as she has her mermaid by her side.”

“Mmm.” Emily smiled. “You were paying attention.”

“I’m always paying attention to you.”

“Stalker.” Emily teased.

“I prefer to call it ‘intense research of an individual’.”

“So… _professional_ stalker.”

“Okay, little Miss Smarty Pants, are you feeling up to taking your daily quiz?”

“Bring it on.”

“Can you tell me the three objects Nate asked you to remember from yesterday?” Alison asked.

“Uh…” Emily squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus despite the pounding headache she had from overexerting herself. “A dog.” She reached up to rub her eyes. “A quarter.” She dropped her hands to her side. “A clock.”

Alison had to glance at the whiteboard, because even _she_ couldn’t remember for sure, but Emily had hit the nail on the head.

“And what’s today?”

“Tuesday.”

“Good. That’s good, baby. You’re doing great.” Alison smiled. “What about today’s alliteration?”

“The bouncing baby bear bought…” She frowned, “…no… _brought_ …brought…the bouncing baby bear brought….I think…baskets?”

Alison could tell she was getting frustrated with herself.

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“I don’t remember. Maybe after I get some rest…”

“Are you admitting I was right? That you need your beauty sleep?”

“Are you saying I am looking less than beautiful?” Emily quipped.

Alison marveled at the fact that Emily’s sense of humor was still intact.

“Never.” Alison put her hand against Emily’s shoulder.

It still scared her how much weight Emily had lost, but everyone told her it wasn’t nearly as much as she’d lost the last time she was sick.

“You are such a liar.”

“I’m not lying. You’re as beautiful as you ever were.”

“That’s sweet.” Emily smiled. “But it’s also bullshit. Unless your kink is me being surrounded by wires and things out of a science-fiction show.” She called her out. “I’m sure all the tubes make me a hundred times more attractive,” she said sarcastically.

“You…” Alison reached up and swept her fingers across Emily’s cheek, “…are drop-dead gorgeous.”

“Well, you got the ‘drop-dead’ part right.”

Alison didn’t reply. Emily joked about her mortality all the time, but Alison still wasn’t used to it.

“I can only assume you’re scowling angrily at me.” Emily guessed. “I was just kidding, Ali,” she said softly.

“How can you even joke about that?” Alison swallowed a lump in her throat.

“How can I not?” Emily asked. “It takes the power away from it. It…I’m in control when it comes to my words. I can’t…I can’t control anything else. But I can control how to react.”

Alison couldn’t argue with her. She’d watched as Emily’s body and mind slowly started to betray her, and she knew it had to be terrifying. But Emily never complained. She always took charge in the only way she knew how: with her inner strength.

“I saw Nate this morning.” Alison bit her lip.

“What a coincidence. So did I. Well, not literally.”

“Stop, Em. I’m being serious.” Alison frowned. “I’ve been worried about the fact that you’re not getting any better…”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It’s controlled. For now.”

“But you feel miserable. I know you do.” It killed Alison to see her hurting. “They’re not fixing the problem. They’re just putting a bandaid on it…”

“Because bandaids are all they have right now. We have to give the trial time to work.”

“I’ve read all the books. If everything was going according to plan you’d be on an outpatient basis by now. What if…”

“We don’t do the ‘what-ifs’, Ali. You know that.” Emily interrupted her. She’d told her on numerous occasions that thinking about the future didn’t mean they could change anything. She didn’t see the need to stress about it.

“I know.” Alison sighed. “I just…I hate this.” Her eyes were glossing over with tears.

“I know you do.” Emily sighed. “But it’s all we’ve got.”

“God, I’m shitty at being comforting.” Alison laughed through her tears. “I should be the one making stupid jokes to make you feel better.”

Even Lily, a _child_ , seemed to have a handle on what to say and do to make Emily smile. But Alison was so hell-bent on trying to do everything the right way that she didn’t realize that all she had to do to make Emily smile was to be there.

“Oh, my jokes are stupid, are they?” Emily pressed her fingers against Alison’s ribs, making her laugh in surprise. “I don’t hear you coming up with any new stand-up routines.”

“You know that’s not where I excel.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say that you can’t boss the cancer away.”

“Is that a challenge? Because I’ll do it. Those cancer cells don’t stand a chance against me.”

“My brave warrior princess.” Emily smiled.

“Fuck yeah.” Alison leaned up to kiss her cheek. “You want me to tell you a story and sing you a song?”

“I’d rather kiss your lips and feel your body against mine.” Emily suggested, wrapping her arms around Alison’s body.

“Oh my God, Em. You can’t say that kind of stuff…” Especially not when they were this close in bed together, facing one another, where she could see the lust in Emily’s expression.

“Why? You afraid the hospital might hear you scream my name?”

“Stop it. Seriously. You know I can’t resist you when you talk like that.”

“Hmm, I don’t want you to resist me.” Emily slipped her hand underneath Alison’s shirt, her fingers caressing Alison’s side. “I could practice my hand exercises…”

Alison closed her eyes and shuddered. The way her body responded to Emily’s touch with an automatic fiery passion drove her wild. She couldn’t help but lean into it.

“Emily…” She breathed out a sigh. She felt Emily’s lips against hers and she opened her eyes back up. She kissed back for a second, but then gently pulled away. “Sweetie, you got light-headed walking thirty feet down the hallway…”

“I got a second wind.” Emily replied.

But Alison knew she was lying. Emily could sense her resistance.

“Hey, you have to stop looking at me as the girl who has cancer and start looking at me as the woman who can make you feel every fiery cell in your body when you’re with me.” Her lips ghosted across Alison’s cheeks as her fingers danced along her side.

Alison felt herself trembling with desire. Emily was right. She knew all the right moves to make her a helpless mess.

Emily nuzzled against her cheek following her jaw bone until she found her earlobe. She blew a hot breath against it and then gently kissed the tender skin behind it. It almost made Alison give in.

 _Almost_.

It wasn’t until she felt Emily move her thigh up against her center that she _did_ actually give in. But she didn’t want Emily to pass out, so she gently took the control away from her. She was trying to keep her from over-doing it. She slipped her hand beneath Emily’s gown and caressed her stomach. She cringed when she felt her ribs. She was losing so much muscle mass.

Alison tried to hide her tension by burying her face into the crook of Emily’s neck and placing kisses along her collar bone and shoulder, careful to avoid the electrodes and bandaged ports on her body. She stopped her motions long enough to marvel in the fact that even though Emily felt like absolute shit she still wanted to feel their bodies moving together. She always seemed to feel better while they were holding each other.

 _Maybe I have a magic pussy._ Alison thought to herself. Maybe it held the cure that Emily needed. _My mermaid on a deep diving quest to find the magical pearl that will cure everything…_ She had to hold in the laugh she felt bubbling in her stomach. It was the first time in a while that she’d felt pure joy, and it couldn’t be a coincidence that it was while they were feeling one another up.

“What are you thinking right now?” Emily noticed that she was drifting away in thought.

“Huh?” Alison stuttered out. She felt like a kid who had been caught with her hand in a candy jar. “Uh…mmm…my…” _Don’t say magic pussy, you idiot._ “…you, my mermaid.”

“Yeah?” Emily moved her arm down, trying not to get any of her lines tangled as she slipped her fingers between their bodies.

She felt around, her fingertips gliding over the front of the thin material covering Alison’s pelvis. When Emily rolled her fingers against her center Alison gasped into their kiss. This was the first time since Emily had been admitted to the hospital that Alison had let it get this far.

The last time they’d had sex was at the hotel. They both missed it. But Alison had been careful about their urges and desires. The hospital wasn’t the most romantic setting, though Emily had taken her to a few places where they had some privacy. But there were other things on Alison’s mind. She was afraid she’d hurt her. Not to mention there were people around them all the time. Even when they were just making out Alison was always afraid that Emily’s parents would walk in on them. So they didn’t usually get this hot and heavy.

Before Alison could slow Emily down, the brunette effortlessly slid her hand down into Alison’s yoga pants and into her underwear.

“Em…wait…” Alison’s eyes widened. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to control herself if they went any further. She knew screaming in a hospital room usually drew attention to the staff.

“We have to take every opportunity we’ve got, Alison.” She laid her other palm against Alison’s cheek, holding her sensually. Her nose brushed against Alison’s. Alison thought she saw tears in her eyes. “I don’t know how many more chances we’re going to have.”

There was no fucking way in hell Alison was going to deny her that chance. She gingerly rubbed her palm against Emily’s neck and lightly kissed her lips.

“Don’t push yourself, okay?” Alison breathed against her mouth.

Emily nodded slowly. She appreciated Alison’s thoughtfulness. Their lips met again in a slow quiet kiss. Alison moved her hand against Emily’s side. Her fingers brushed against one of the electrodes from her detachable monitor.

She was glad that Emily wasn’t hooked up to her heart monitor, because there was no doubt it would be beeping erratically and it would send the entire hospital staff into the room while they were mid-fuck.

She kept her other palm against Emily’s cheek as she pushed to deepen the kiss. She felt Emily’s fingers slowly moving against her core and she knew without a doubt that she wasn’t going to last very long. Her body already felt like it was on fire.

Emily took her time with her. She was caring and gentle and had more passion than Alison had ever felt from her before, especially given how sick she was.

When Alison’s peak hit her she had to bite her tongue to keep from making any noise. She pressed her forehead against Emily’s shoulder and kissed her neck as her body shivered in ripples of pleasure. A meek shuddering breath slipped out of her mouth, but she was quiet as she rode it out. In the midst of it she moved her fingers between Emily’s thighs and circled her sensitive flesh with a gentle amount of pressure. She felt Emily quietly cry into their embrace. Her body tensed and then shook lightly.

Alison felt the loss of Emily’s fingers as she slowly pulled her hand out of Alison’s pants. Her hand was trembling, which had added to Alison’s high. It took her a few seconds to realize that it wasn’t the passion of desire that was causing her to shake.

“You okay, sweetie?” Alison asked.

“Sorry.” Emily held her hand slightly above Alison’s hip. She clamped her fingers down and pumped them a few times. “It’s…it’s just a tremor.”

“I think we should stop now.” Alison gently put her hand on top of Emily’s. “I know sex with me is good, but I don’t want to explain to Nate what we were doing if you fall out on the floor and have a seizure.”

Emily managed a weak laugh. Alison rolled back, giving Emily some room. She held Emily’s twitching hand in between her warm palms. She felt the shaking slowly starting to ease up. She was concentrating so hard on Emily’s hand that she didn’t see that Emily had closed her eyes and was trying to take long deep breaths, hoping that the wave of tremors would stop. After a few minutes, it ceased.

Emily pulled Alison back against her body and held her. Alison was happy to nuzzle against her warm body. She pecked Emily’s cheek and then lightly brushed her lips over Emily’s.

They were interrupted by a light knock at the door and they both straightened up and tried to look like they hadn’t just had a quickie, though if it was Hanna she would undoubtedly call them on their sexy encounter. The door slowly opened.

“Everyone decent?” They heard a familiar voice.

It was one of Emily’s frequent nurses, Amy. She had walked in on them in the middle of a heated make-out session the first week Emily was in the hospital, so she’d learned to give them time to prepare for company. If she had only arrived five minutes earlier…

“Hey, Amy. Is it time for my meds already?” Emily asked.

“No, I’m here to steal some of your blood. Nate wants to check your counts again since they were a little low last night.” She walked up beside Emily’s bed, on the opposite side of where Alison was lying next to her. “How are you feeling?”

“I got a little dizzy walking from Lily’s room earlier.” Emily admitted.

“She was being stubborn.” Alison poked Emily.

“ _She_ was being overprotective…”

“I was not…”

“And bossy.” Emily added.

“Well, excuse me for loving you.”

Amy chuckled and shook her head.

“You two are worse than my wife and I.”

“Oh, is she a nag, too?” Emily playfully gripped Alison’s side, forcing an unexpected laugh out of her. Alison felt her thighs twitching. Her body was still sensitive to Emily’s touch, and Emily knew it.

“It’s not nagging if you’re right.” Alison countered. “Just admit defeat and give in to the fact that I’m right and you’re wrong and you should always listen to what I say and never disagree with me, ever.”

“Yeah, like that is ever going to happen.” Emily knew she had Alison wrapped around her little finger.

“Alright, Em…ante up.” Amy tapped Emily’s wrist.

Emily lifted her arm up so Amy could reach her IV port to draw blood. Alison turned away. She still wasn’t used to the sight of blood. Amy laid Emily’s arm back down when she was finished.

“It’s safe to look now, Alison.” Amy laughed.

“Oh, no…I wasn’t…” Alison flustered defensively. “I was just…I had something…an eyelash or something I was trying to get out of my eye…”

“It’s okay. Your mermaid will protect you from the sea of blood.” Emily smiled.

Alison had to keep from saying something _really_ suggestive back to her about mermaids and deep diving adventures in the Puss-Sea.

“You two try to stay out of trouble,” she said.

“Never.” Emily replied.

“Emily, these new meds I’m giving you are a little bit heavier than the ones you’re used to. We’ve upped the dose of the pain control and we’re adding an antispasmodic for the muscle twitches. We’re going to be focusing a little more on your symptoms and backing off some of the other drugs targeted for the cancer. Dr. St. Germain changed the regimen a bit.”

“Why?” Alison asked before Emily had the chance to.

Amy reached up to the IV bag that was hanging by Emily’s bed. She grabbed it and popped a new line in before turning to face the girls again. She had a stoic look on her face. Alison felt a flutter of panic in her chest. Not that that was anything new. She always panicked when something new or different happened in the hospital.

“I’m not sure, actually. He’ll be in shortly to talk to you about the last scan.” She gently took Emily’s arm and flushed her IV port before hooking the new IV line up to it.

Alison stiffened up. Emily felt her fidgeting with her fingers and she put her hand on top of Alison’s. Alison gave her a soft warm look of appreciation. She felt her tension melting away.

“You want to give us a preview of that talk?” Alison looked at Amy hopefully.

“Sorry.” Amy shook her head. “I’m just the worker bee.”

Though her face told Alison she knew _something_. She wanted to pressure her on it, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to get her to talk.

“If you want answers you two princesses need to talk to the Queen Bee,” Amy said.

Emily huffed out a laugh. She squinted in pain, but shook it off. She was used to the pressure in her head, but sometimes a big enough jolt could cause a microsecond of a pain even she couldn’t contain.

“You okay?” Amy questioned.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just picturing Nate walking in here in a full _Givenchy_ dress and heels and wing-tipped eyeliner.”

Alison and Amy both burst into laughter.

“Maybe I’ll suggest to Lily that she do a makeover on him.” Amy smiled.

“This is why you’re my favorite nurse.” Emily approved Amy’s idea. Because she knew Nate wouldn’t say ‘no’ to everyone’s favorite baby.

“How is that nausea treating you today?”

“I haven’t really had anything to eat, so I haven’t had anything in my stomach to throw up.”

“You really need to try and eat, dear. Don’t want to go the route of having to put in a feeding tube, do you?” Amy asked.

“I’ll make sure she eats.” Alison looked at the untouched breakfast tray beside Emily’s bed.

“Yeah, you definitely remind me of my wife,” Amy muttered with a laugh. “You two would get along swimmingly.”

“I told you she was bossy.” Emily poked Alison. “You know, when you said you were coming here with me I never assumed you’d be more nitpicky than my actual doctors.”

“Please.” Alison scoffed. “You know who I am. You knew what you were getting in to.”

Amy smiled. She finished up her rounds and then told Emily she’d be back to check on her later. When Amy walked out Alison laid back against Emily’s body. She stared at the food.

“So, what’s it going to be? Applesauce or a banana?” Alison asked.

“I can’t, Ali. Not right now.” The meds were already making her nauseated. “Maybe later.”

“Then no dessert for you.”

“I already had my dessert.” She smiled.

“Fine. No _more_ dessert for you.”

“Are you seriously trying to bribe me with sex?”

“Is it working?”

“Maybe.” Emily smirked. “I’m always hungry for you.” She nuzzled her chin against the top of Alison’s head.

Before Alison could stop herself she automatically moved up and responded with a kiss. It was just her body’s natural reaction.

“You are so whipped.” Emily whispered against her lips, both of them smiling. “Where were we?” She questioned mischievously, moving her hand over Alison’s hip to pull her closer.

Something about the blonde’s warmth was like a natural pain reliever to her.

“You heard what Amy said. These drugs are stronger than what you’re used to. I’m not about to take advantage of you while you’re _inebriated_.” Alison scoffed with a teasing smile.

“I consent to whatever you want.” Emily yawned.

She could feel the cool fluids being pumped into her body, and the drugs were already starting to relax her muscles.

“Well, damn, and I forgot the whips and chains and sex swing back at the hotel.” Alison uttered sarcastically.

“You also forgot your sanity.” Emily fidgeted around the bed, trying to get comfortable.

Alison shuffled around, trying to help. She moved a pillow up underneath her and Emily smiled.

“Better?” Alison asked.

“Everything is better when I’m with you,” Emily said dreamily.

“I love you.” Alison lightly kissed her.

Emily still had a soft smile on her face as she quietly muttered back that she loved her, too. Minutes later the drugs had knocked her out. Alison knew she wouldn’t sleep for long. The pain meds wore off and then left her with the nausea from her other medications.

She started thinking quietly to herself. Maybe Nate had changed the regimen of meds to fix her nausea. She wanted to kick herself for being optimistic.

Her brain was working overtime thinking about Emily’s latest scan. When she’d seen Nate he’d said the treatment hadn’t really done much of anything, but she didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He also hadn’t mentioned anything about the scan. She assumed it was because he didn’t have the results yet, but what if he’d known something bad and didn’t want to tell her before talking to Emily?

Alison laid beside Emily, her arm aligning with Emily’s body, her hand cupping her cheek and stroking her face as she slept. Every time Emily fell asleep Alison was worried she wouldn’t wake up. So she watched her. She listened to the sounds of her breaths. She watched her chest rise and fall. She felt her pulse beating beneath her fingers.

She moved her other hand across Emily’s stomach, watching it move as Emily inhaled and exhaled. She was hypnotized by the motion. She was watching her breaths so intensely that she didn’t even realize that Emily was waking up.

“What are you doing?” Emily asked.

Alison jumped at the sound of her voice. She scooted closer to her.

“I like watching you sleep.”

“Creep.” Emily moved to sit up. “So, what were you really doing?” Her nose sounded stuffed up. “Watching me breathe?”

“No.” Alison replied defensively. She immediately softly added, “Maybe.”

“You’ve got to stop doing that, Ali. It can’t be healthy for you. I can’t imagine what it’s doing to your mental health.”

“Well, if you stop breathing that will be pretty bad for your _actual_ health.”

“They have monitors for that.”

“That you’re not hooked up to half the time since you insist on playing Marco Polo and exploring the hospital on a daily basis.”

“I am the champion of Marco Polo. A swimmer _and_ blind? I’ve prepared for it my whole life. Sign me up for the tournament.” She yawned.

“What’s this I hear about a tournament?” They heard a light rapping at the door.

“Nate, thank God. Maybe you can talk some sense into this stubborn idiot.”

“Been trying to do that for years.” Nate laughed softly.

He was carrying himself in a manner that worried Alison. He had a different expression on his face than he’d had this morning. That, and the change up of the medications they’d done for Emily sent Alison’s thoughts into overdrive.

“How are you feeling, Emily?” he asked.

“A little drowsy,” she said. “I had some hand tremors earlier, but they only lasted a few minutes.”

“And how does your head feel? Are you in any pain?”

“Less than usual.”

“Do you remember the three words of the day?”

Emily really had to think about it this time. She felt Alison squeezing her hand to encourage her.

“Dog,” she said. “I remember dog…” Her thoughts felt jumbled. “And…quarter, I think?”

“And the third word?”

Emily pressed her lips together as she tried to pick the word out of her brain. She frowned and shook her head.

“I’m sorry. I can’t remember.”

“She knew all of them a few hours ago. And most of the alliteration.” Alison said, a quiet desperation in her tone. “She’s probably still foggy from the medication.” And perhaps the sex.

“It’s okay,” Nate tried to keep Alison calm. “I’m not overly concerned about that at the moment.” He put his hand on Emily’s. “My main concern is how you’re feeling physically.”

“Well, for the first time in a long time I don’t feel like I want to hurl up everything I’ve ever eaten.”

“That’s actually because I’ve changed your treatment protocol. We’re going to be stopping some of your meds.”

Emily nodded slowly. She had a feeling she knew why.

“How bad was the scan?” Emily asked.

Alison felt a pang in her chest.

Nate huffed out a quiet sigh.

“It’s highly likely it’s going to metastasize if we don’t find a solution soon.”

Alison closed her eyes to fight back her emotions. She’d learned a lot about cancer the past few weeks, and she knew without a doubt that _metastasize_ was a bad word. It was going to spread, and it was going to kill her.

“The trial isn’t working, is it?” Emily wanted a straight answer.

Alison felt her heart seize in her chest. Nate sighed and sat down next to her.

“Not for you, I’m afraid.”

“And the other candidates?” Emily asked.

“They’re responding.” He nodded.

There was a beat of silence, a plethora of mixed emotions in the room. Emily was quick to bring the mood up.

“I’m glad some good has come of it,” she said softly.

It was that kind of sympathy that made Alison admire her. Of course, it also made her want to slap her into reality.

“I’m sorry, Emily. I wish I had better news.”

“I know you’re doing everything you can.”

“I am. This doesn’t mean it’s over.”

“So, what exactly does it mean?” Alison asked.

“It means we’re back to square one,” Nate explained.

“But…no.” Alison uttered. “That…can’t…” She couldn’t imagine watching Emily getting even sicker. And that’s exactly what it sounded like.

“Don’t panic.” Emily tried to calm her down.

“It’s just…you’ve been fighting so hard. This can’t be for nothing. This trial…it was supposed to help. Why didn’t it help?” Her voice came out sharp and accusatory, but Nate and Emily both knew it was because she was scared.

“These things are always a gamble. I told you that going into it.” Emily reminded her.

“Well, I don’t accept it.” Alison huffed. She faced Nate. “What do we do now?”

“I’m going to look into a different regimen of medicines or newer treatment options, but…” He trailed off, thinking to himself.

“But I’m pretty much screwed unless you find a neurosurgeon who can pull a miracle out of their ass?” Emily guessed. She knew how it went.

“I’m looking.” Nate promised. “We have some of the brightest and innovative minds working on this.”

“Then why isn’t she better yet?” Alison asked in exasperation.

“Alison.” Emily cut her off curtly. “Don’t snap at him. Don’t you dare.”

“I…” She looked at Nate blankly. She was trying to ignore her emotions. “I’m sorry, Nate.”

“I understand your frustration,” he assured her. “I’m angry, too. After everything…”

His voice cracked. Emily hadn’t heard him this emotional since Maya had died. And even then, he’d held it together for his patients. But he sounded irrevocably broken. Something inside of him snapped. He shook his head and made a gruff noise in his throat, clearly trying to fight back tears. The barrier he had up crumbled, and it wasn’t just doctor-patient anymore. It was brother-sister.

“I’m supposed to keep people alive. I’m supposed to keep _you_ alive. We haven’t worked this hard…we haven’t come this far just to lose this battle now,” Nate said.

“I’d say we’re way beyond the battle at this point. This is the war, and we’re outgunned and outmanned.” Emily mumbled.

“No,” Nate replied harshly. “My sister didn’t die for this.”

He saw Emily stiffen. Alison glared angrily at him for bringing Maya up, especially when he knew how much Emily blamed herself for Maya not getting into the trial.

Nate cleared his throat and ran his hand over his face in exhaustion. It was a reminder to Alison that she wasn’t the only one losing sleep over this.

“Sorry, Emily. That…came out wrong. I didn’t mean it that way.” He sounded frustrated. “Heat of the moment. It’s just…this was supposed to work.”

“It was a trial, Nate. I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t.”

“Worked on the other two patients.”

“Guess I’m an outlier.”

“No,” he said. “No, I’m going to figure this out. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Emily shook her head.

She wouldn’t take his promise to heart, but she knew Alison would. And if something happened, and she didn’t make it, Alison would blame Nate. Just like she’d blamed herself for Maya.

“It’s not just an empty promise.” He scratched his head, obviously deep in thought. He looked like he was wrestling with something.

“What is it?” Alison asked. She could tell he was holding back.

There was a beat of silence before he answered.

“Okay, don’t read too much into this. But I’ve got a call into a friend that Wren studied under in med school. Annette Sullivan. She’s the top neurosurgeon at The Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I’ve sent your case file to her.”

“You probably should have led with that.” Emily gave him a weak smile.

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up until I know anything for sure. She may take one look at it and laugh me out of the hospital. But I had to try. This is our Hail Mary, Em.” He held her hand.

Alison cocked her head. She still wasn’t used to Nate being so casual with Emily.

“We can continue to treat you, wait until the therapy drugs are out of your system and start aggressive chemo and radiation to try and shrink it, but that’s not going to leave you with any kind of quality of life. And I think you know that. Our only other option is surgery, _if_ , and that’s a very big _if_ , we can get Doctor Sullivan to take this on. None of the surgeons here believe it can be done, and a few of the specialists I’ve spoken with concur. The risks associated with it are too high for anyone to believe that it would be worth the reward.”

“The reward is life…” Alison said curtly. How could the surgeons argue with that? She wanted to have a word or two with them. And they were words she couldn’t say around children.

“It’s extremely dangerous and complicated,” Nate said.

“I kinda figured. It’s _brain surgery_ ,” Alison said with bite. She heard the bitchiness in her tone and before Emily could scold her, she reined it in. “I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m not. But isn’t doing surgery better than doing nothing?”

Emily fielded the question.

“The complications include paralysis, coma, and death. Even if we find a surgeon who will do the procedure…I have to consent to it knowing that I may never wake up from it.” She licked her lips nervously. “The likelihood of me dying on the table is pretty high, isn’t it?” She asked Nate.

“Let’s not jump the gun here,” Nate said. “Let’s wait to find out what Doctor Sullivan says.” He faced Alison, who looked terrified out of her mind. “She’s without a doubt the best neurosurgeon I can think of to give us our best chance here.” He touched Emily’s arm. “For now we’re just going to keep you comfortable. We’ll monitor you for seizure activity and neurological changes just like we’ve been doing. The only thing that’s different is the fact that we’ve stopped the targeted therapy. You’ll still be getting your pain meds, seizure meds, and nausea meds as needed. We should hear something from Doctor Sullivan in the next few days. And we’ll go from there.”

“Okay,” Emily said.

And that was it. She didn’t freak out. She didn’t cry. She didn’t panic. She just resigned to it. She knew there was nothing she could do to change the situation. If the trial wasn’t working, it wasn’t working. Alison opened her mouth to reply, but she was so stunned by Emily’s calm nature that all she could do was close her mouth and hold her hand tightly.

Nate checked Emily’s vitals and then went to check on his other patients. Emily waited on Alison to lose her shit, but she stayed relatively calm. Emily had no idea how much her quiet confidence inspired Alison. Alison laced her fingers in between Emily’s.

“What do you need from me?” Alison asked.

“You’re already giving it to me,” Emily said. “Just by being here.”

“This is…a lot.” Alison admitted. “To process.”

“Yeah.” Emily sighed.

“You want me to get your mom and dad?”

“No. Let them get some rest. Dad tossed and turned last night. And I know my mom is exhausted. I don’t want to call them up here just to tell them the news,” Emily said. “They’ll find out soon enough.”

“What do you think the neurosurgeon is going to say?”

“I don’t know,” Emily replied softly.

“What are _you_ going to say? About the surgery?”

“I…don’t know.” Emily thought about it. “I guess it depends on what they think my overall chances are. I mean, I’d rather have the time with you and my family if they think it’s going to kill me. I’m already dying. I don’t want to expedite it.”

Alison felt a twinge of pain in her heart.

“Hey, no. Listen to me. You’re not dying.” She lovingly cupped Emily’s cheek. “You’re not going to die, okay?”

Emily smiled softly at her and it broke Alison’s heart. Because she was _so_ fucking sweet. And so fucking brave. And strong. She was everything Alison aspired to be. For the longest time she’d pretended to be unbreakable, but she was just now discovering what that word meant. Emily. Emily was unbreakable.

“Is that your faith in medicine and science?” Emily questioned. “Or your faith in me?”

“You, Em.” _Always you._ Alison squeezed her hand. “You’ve already beat this thing, _two_ times, right?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Maybe the third time is the charm.” Alison didn’t let her finish her thought.

Emily smiled, gently squeezing Alison’s fingers with a soft pressure. It meant the world to her that Alison was still holding on to hope, gripping it like a lifeline.

“ _You’re_ my charm.”

Alison’s eyes fluttered and her cheeks reddened. She felt so lucky to have a girl like Emily Fields.

_She is so fucking soft, I swear to God._

She wanted to wrap her arms around her and hold her and love her with a force like nothing on the planet.

“And _you_ are charming.” Alison smiled at her girl.

“It’s all a ploy to get into your pants.” Emily teased.

“Is that so?”

_Jesus, the games she plays with my heart…she really has no fucking clue._

Emily could go from sweet to sexy without even batting an eye. Alison was almost envious of it. She couldn’t help herself as she reached out to touch her face. Emily leaned in to her touch.

“We can play this game for as long as you want. But something tells me you’re going to blink first.” Alison rubbed her thumb against Emily’s cheek.

“Of course I will. Statistically speaking, blind people blink more than people who can see.” Her jaw tightened slightly. “I just wish my eyes didn’t hurt so damn much.”

Alison could see her eyes so clearly, even with the poor overhead lighting. The whites of her eyes looked red. She looked beyond tired.

“I can see if Nate will get you more pain meds.”

“No. My stomach is kind of upset. Dumping more meds on top of it is just going to make me hurl.”

“Maybe your stomach is pissed at you because you refuse to feed it.” She rubbed Emily’s arm. “You need to eat something, Em.”

“I had toast and eggs.”

“That was yesterday morning.” Alison gently reminded her.

“It was?” Emily’s face tightened in thought. After a few seconds, her confusion faltered. “Right. Sometimes it’s hard to keep the days straight.”

“That’s because neither of us _are_ straight.” Alison chuckled softly.

“You need to work on your material.” Emily smiled.

“Wow.” Alison feigned being hurt by her comment. “That’s bold.”

“I guess you’re rubbing off on me.”

“In all the wrong ways.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Emily admitted. “So, you’re not going to stop harassing me until I eat something, are you?”

“Nope.”

“What are my choices?”

Alison reminded her of her sensitive stomach diet. Emily decided to eat the applesauce. Alison grabbed the small cup and the spoon that had come with her tray. Emily took the applesauce in one hand, but when Alison handed her the spoon she had trouble gripping it. Her hands were tremoring again. She tried to curl her fingers around it, but it slid right out of her hands and on to the bed. When she went to reach for it, she tipped the applesauce over and spilled some on both of them.

“Oh, I…I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Alison said. “I got it.” She reached for the napkin on her tray.

Emily tried to help her, but Alison pushed her hand away. She wiped up the spilled applesauce and then reached for the spoon again.

“Let’s see if take two is any better.” Alison took Emily’s hand and put the spoon in her palm.

Emily tried to close her fingers around it, but she was still having difficulties. Anyone else probably would have lost their temper or gotten emotional, but all Emily did was smile sheepishly.

“Well, clearly the only spoon I can control is you…in bed.”

Alison laughed. She tried to help Emily hold the spoon, but Emily rejected the help.

“I can’t.” She shook her head.

“I can get you a bigger spoon. It might be easier to hold…” She took the utensil out of Emily’s hand.

“No. Don’t. Don’t worry about it, Ali. I don’t want to bother anyone.”

“What, are you just going to drink it or…”

Before Alison had finished her sentence, Emily had already put the small container against her lips and tilted it forward and was sipping on it like it was a beverage.

“Smart ass.” Alison muttered to herself.

Emily took her time polishing off the applesauce. Alison tried to get her to eat the banana, too, but Emily told her that the applesauce wasn’t settling right.

Half an hour later Emily was scrambling for the puke basin next to her bed. Alison rubbed the back of her neck as Emily gagged and threw up not only the applesauce, but little chunks of things Alison didn’t even recognize. It almost looked like flecks of blood, but Emily assured her it was probably just bile. Alison had to fight not to gag. She still wasn’t used to watching Emily puke her guts out. Emily felt Alison trembling.

“You don’t have to stay,” Emily said softly, pulling back and lying her head against the pillow. “Not for this. Not if you don’t want to.”

He face was drenched in sweat. Her cheeks were hot and red.

“Emily, I would never leave you.” She moved Emily’s free hand up and kissed her knuckles. “Never. Do you understand me?” She reached up to wipe some sweat from Emily’s face.

Emily cringed and rolled her cheek on to her pillow. She felt a cool cloth against her face and she realized that Alison was trying to help soothe her and clean her face up.

“You don’t have to…”

“I want to.” Alison gently laid the cloth against her forehead.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Emily’s ears felt like they were buzzing. She felt like she was spinning out of control.

“Feeling any better?” Alison asked.

Emily squeezed her eyes closed in pain and took a breath through her nose. She was aware that someone was talking to her, but she felt like she was in a tiny soundproof room and none of the sound was getting through. It all sounded like a buzzing noise in her head. It made her nausea worse.

“This…feels wrong.” Emily shuddered.

“Is the cloth too much? I can…”

“No…not that.” She gripped the sheets. She felt like she was falling through a black hole. The whole world felt like it was moving around her.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Alison put her palm on top of Emily’s.

“Ali, I…I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

“No, Em.” Alison’s voice caught in her throat. “Don’t say that…”

“Mmm…” She groaned under her breath. “I…I’m hot. I think I’m dying.”

“You’re not, baby. It’s just the change in your meds. Your body is adjusting…”

“But the trial…”

“It was just the first step in your treatment. You heard Nate…”

“Nate wants me to take Maya’s place in the trial.”

Alison sighed and rubbed Emily’s face. When she had a memory lapse Alison had learned that all she could do was wait for her to come out of it. Most of the time her touch was enough to pull Emily back into reality. This time was no exception. She reached up and gently gripped Alison’s arm.

“Alison?” she asked timidly.

“I’m here.”

“Did I space out again?”

“Just a tiny bit. Not like full-on out of orbit. Just a little walk in zero gravity.” Alison laughed lightly.

Emily closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry I keep forgetting things,” she said quietly.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I promise…I promise I’ll never forget you. I might forget words and stupid rhymes, but I’ll never forget the way I feel about you.”

Alison was beyond flattered. She cupped Emily’s cheek and kissed her forehead. Emily smiled at her.

“I remember…the alliteration. I remember.” She smiled. “The beautiful blonde bathes boldly…by big beaches bedazzling babes beyond believability.”

It was an alliteration that Alison had never heard before. She had a feeling Emily had come up with it on her own. And she had a feeling Emily was picturing her by the beach.

“That’s great, Em,” Alison said.

“I’m tired.” Emily yawned.

“Why don’t you get some sleep?”

“Okay.” Emily said. “But only if you get out of this place for a while. Go get some air.”

“I don’t think you get the gist of me saying I’m not going anywhere…”

“I don’t want you sitting here staring at me. Go live for the both of us.” Emily ordered.

Alison knew she couldn’t argue with her, so she promised to go out and get some lunch somewhere just to shut her up. But she wasn’t leaving until she knew Emily was okay. She waited until she fell asleep.

Then she slipped out of her room to go cry. She’d made it a point never to cry in front of Emily. Sometimes she went to the serenity garden. Sometimes she went to a little private room in the waiting area they had specifically for grieving family members. She broke down and called Cece.

There had never been a time when she called and Cece didn’t answer. In fact, she’d answered in the middle of a funeral she was at a few weeks ago. There was no telling what she was interrupting today.

“Hey, kid. What’s up?”

“I’m on a ledge,” Alison sputtered out nervously. “I need you to talk me down.”

“Literal or…”

“Just fucking talk to me, Cece.” Alison whined.

There was a pause on the other end of the line and then Cece took a breath.

“You know, I heard this story. So…this woman goes to her gynecologist and after her exam the doctor tells her everything looks great. Compliments her on how clean she is and all that good stuff. The doctor then asks her what she does to keep herself so hygienic. And the woman just simply responds, ‘I have a woman in twice a week’.”

It took a few seconds for Alison to register what Cece had said. She opened her mouth, but was too shocked to reply. Though she shouldn’t have been surprised.

It _was_ Cece after all.

“What the fuck was that?” Alison huffed in surprise.

“Me distracting you so I can yank your ass away from the ledge.” Cece replied.

“And you thought vag jokes was the way to go?”

“Please, I know you. The way to your heart is through your vagina.”

“How sentimental.” Alison rolled her eyes. “God, I can’t believe I thought you were going somewhere meaningful with that story.”

“You know me. I’m all about the ass and titties.”

“ _So_ inappropriate.”

“Why? Who is going to hear me say that with all that wind on the ledge you’re standing on?” Cece asked.

Alison leaned against the wall in the little room.

“I’m a fucking wreck. I think Emily might be giving up.”

“Did she say those exact words?”

“Well, no, but…”

“Until she actually says ‘no more’ then you’ve got a shot. She’s going to have bad days, Alison. Cut her some damn slack.”

“Her trial failed.” Alison sighed.

“Shit fails all the time. That’s why there are fail-safes.”

“Well her fail-safe is a fucking brain surgery that would probably incapacitate her or kill her,” Alison frowned. “If she dies…” She felt her stomach tense at the _thought_ of it, “…I…I’ll kill myself…”

“Okay, don’t make me call the cops on you. I’ll have your ass hauled off to a mental institution for being a danger to yourself and then come back to town and personally beat your ass for even thinking about it.”

“This hurts so much.” Alison felt the tears bubbling in her eyes.

“Love always does, my dear.”

“I’m just so tired.” She wept. “I have had to watch her struggle. She hurts. She’s constantly in pain. You have no idea…”

“I remember.” Cece softly intervened. “My mom…”

“God, I’m so sorry. That was so selfish of me to imply…” Alison stuttered. “Of course you get it…”

“It’s okay, Alison.”

“I just don’t know what to do. I freak out every time my phone goes off. I can’t stop thinking about death. I…I haven’t slept in weeks.”

“So put your phone on silent. Talk to a doctor about going on anxiety medication. And take a few nights to yourself at the hotel.”

Alison wiped her face.

“You sound just like her. She’s always riding my ass about taking care of myself.”

“Even the sick blind girl can see it. You’re pushing yourself way too hard. This is a marathon. Not a sprint.”

“Do you know how much I fucking hate hearing that? People tell me that at least 20 times a day. It’s a meaningless fucking run with no finish line in sight. Call it what it is.”

“Sounds like a high school gym class from hell.”

“Exactly.” Alison laughed through her tears. “I’m just…running and running in this extreme heat and I feel like at any moment I’m just going to die of a heart attack, but nothing ever happens. I just keep running, like a hamster on a wheel.”

“I’m so sorry, Ali.”

It was weird for Alison to hear Cece be so sincere. She didn’t have much of a sensitivity chip…or one at all. The only soft spot she seemed to have was for her.

Alison thought about how different Cece might be if her mother was still in the picture. She was just a little girl when she passed away.

“When did you know your mom was going to die?” Alison asked curiously.

Cece took a respectful pause. Alison could tell the subject was hard for her.

“The second she was admitted to the hospital,” Cece replied. “The doctors…everyone kept telling us to have hope. But…kids know. They know when they’re saying goodbye to their parents. I walked into that hospital and I knew…I knew she was never coming home.” She cleared her throat. “It’s different for everyone. I’m not saying not to believe in hope. It sounds like you’ve got a tough road ahead with Emily. You have to be realistic. But don’t throw in the towel. Even if she does, you don’t. You be the only person who doesn’t. She’s going to need that.”

Alison nodded silently to herself. The bitch made a lot of sense when she pulled her mouth away from whatever body appendage she usually had her face stuffed in. Most people backpacked across Europe. Cece was fucking her way through it.

“Thank you, Cece,” she said.

“Any time.” She paused and then added. “Don’t fucking kill yourself, bitch. Or I’ll bring you back just to kill you myself.”

“No more ledges,” Alison said. “I’ll see if Nate can get me a referral for my anxiety.”

“That’a girl.” Cece encouraged her. “Listen, I’ve got to run. I’ve got these two beautiful girls waiting on me. Gorgeous babes. Twins. I call them Lick-a-likes.”

“Ugh, only you.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Whore.”

“I don’t know. I might keep them for a while. Last night we got freaky in a closet at their office. Wanna know what we called it?” There was an impish tone in her voice. “A lick-her cabinet.”

“Oh my God, I fucking hate you.”

“Then we settled down and pulled out some cards and played some poke-her…”

“These are really cringeworthy. You know that, right?”

“I live to make you squirm.” Cece laughed.

They both chuckled quietly.

“Seriously, don’t give up, Alison. She’s at her lowest point right now. And you’re allowed to feel that same fear. But she needs you. She won’t admit it, because she’s too proud. But she needs you. And I don’t just say that to feed you some bullshit cliché advice about love. I mean if you really break it down, when two people are in love it’s more than just wants and needs. It’s a combination of both. Want is desire because you’ve worked for it and you feel it was meant to be yours. Need is having to have something for a deeper reason beyond just want. It’s about feeling complete. It’s like having a piece of yourself missing your entire life, and when you find it…it makes you whole again.”

“Huh, so _that’s_ what love is?”

“Well it’s sure as shit not rainbows and kittens and butterflies. Love doesn’t work the way you see pandered to the world where it’s peddled through chocolates and candies and roses. It’s being there when there _is_ no bright side. _You_ are the bright side.” Cece reminded her.

“If my ‘doom and gloom’ ass is the bright side we’re all screwed.”

“Truly the end of days.” Cece snarked back.

Alison sighed.

“Go get your double trouble. Wouldn’t want to keep the twins waiting.” Alison smiled.

“I mean what I said. You call me. Any time. I’m always here.”

“Thanks.”

They said their goodbyes. Alison sat in the tiny private booth for a few minutes. When she left she took Emily’s advice to heart. She left the hospital. She thought about calling Emily’s parents to see if they wanted to go out to lunch, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep the secret about Emily’s trial to herself. So instead she took a walk around the city.

She didn’t know that Emily was back in her hospital room dreaming that they were walking the city together.

Emily knew it was a dream, because she could see. She paid special attention to the small details. Alison’s hand in hers. The feel of the warm summer breeze on her face. The way Alison’s eyes lit up in delight when she saw something that made her smile. Alison turned to her with a serene expression on her face.

“Isn’t this amazing?”

“I never want it to end.”

They moved in to kiss. Emily stared at her deep pink heart shaped lips. She pressed her mouth against Alison’s and she got so lost in the kiss the rest of the world faded away.

When she opened up her eyes the world was dark again. But she still felt the lingering effects of her embrace with Alison. She heard someone shuffling in the chair next to her.

“Finally.” Hanna’s voice cut through the room. “I was starting to think you were in a coma.”

“Hanna?” Emily uttered sleepily.

“Sorry, did I interrupt your sex dream about your _lover_?”

“No, we were just…” She stuttered in confusion. “Did I sleep through the week? Is it the weekend? What are you doing here?”

“What? A girl can’t come say hello to her best friend?”

“Did Alison call you?”

“No.” Hanna replied with a cautious tone. “I kept having bad dreams and I didn’t want to wait until this weekend to see you. Caleb drove me.”

“Poor Caleb. Stuck in the car with you sniping at him every five minutes.” Emily rubbed her temple.

“Hey, I gave him two minute breaks between every bitch session.”

“Where is he now? Did he get tired of you and decide to leave you?”

“As if.” Hanna scoffed. “I am that boy’s world. He’s getting us some coffee.” Hanna glanced at the whiteboard with Emily’s information on it. “So…why would Alison have called me? Is something up?”

“No.” Emily swallowed the lump in her throat. “No, you just…know how she worries…”

“Oh, please, Emily.” Hanna rolled her eyes. “That bullshit innocent act might fly with people who don’t know you, but you can’t fool friends. That’s what makes them friends.”

“The trial is a bust.” Emily sighed.

“Well, damn, what jury did you piss off to get that sentence?” Hanna tossed her magazine aside. She rubbed Emily’s hand.

“The meds weren’t working.”

“Is Alison flipping her shit?”

“She’s in denial.”

“Hmm.” Hanna nodded. “You told your parents yet?”

“No. Nate has a neurosurgeon he wants to speak to before he makes any calls.”

“What is your gut telling you?” Hanna asked.

“A whole bunch of shit that no one wants to hear.”

“Right. Well, put that bitch on ignore. Your life coach trainer says you still have some ass to kick.”

“My what?”

“I took the liberty of promoting myself from your best friend to the person in your life who tells you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.”

“How is that any different than what you already do?”

“I got business cards.” Hanna quipped back. “I’m official.”

“Don’t you also have business cards that say ‘Ruler of Shoes’ and ‘Mother of Drag Queens’.”

“So? I’m an equal opportunity entrepreneur.”

“Well, I do actually have a job for you, so you’re in luck.” Emily sat up.

“Name it.”

“You know that teddy bear thing my parents helped Alison put together for me at Christmas?” Emily asked.

“Yeah,” Hanna said.

“I want to do a couple of them for the people I love…”

Hanna bit the inside of her lip to keep the shock of the pain from overtaking her. She was used to Emily having ups and downs when she was sick, but there was something so passive about her tone.

“Can you get me a few of them?”

“Emily Fields, if you’re planning on telling me you love me and kissing me goodbye through some morbid talking teddy bear I will bitchslap you so hard the cancer will feel it.”

Emily laughed softly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Hanna.” Emily smiled. “A-and they’re not goodbye. They’re just…insurance. I want to be ready just in case.”

“Fine. But when you walk out of this hospital with your arms held up in victory we go straight to a bonfire and burn them.” Hanna said. “Talking stuffed animals creep me out. It’s like people have never seen _Chucky_.” She shuddered.

They talked for a few minutes, but Hanna could see that Emily was tired and didn’t feel well so she left to give her some time to rest. She ran into Alison and Caleb chatting in the waiting area. Alison had Ace with her. She’d gone by the hotel to change and Pam had asked if she’d mind bringing him up to be with Emily for a while. She quickly agreed and disappeared without saying much else. She was on the verge of telling Pam everything.

Caleb offered to take Hanna and Alison both out to eat, but Alison told him she’d already eaten. She wanted to spend time with her girlfriend, and they both understood that.

Ace almost broke his training protocol when he walked into Emily’s room with Alison. Every time he saw her he almost broke into a trot to get to her bedside. But he stopped himself and then waited for a command. Emily called him towards her and he walked over to the bed, his tail wagging. He plopped his big head against the edge of the mattress and waited for Emily to pet him.

“Have you been behaving yourself, buddy?” Emily leaned over and kissed his head.

“More-so than his human counterparts.” Alison nodded.

“What did you do?” Emily asked.

“I threw my shoe at a cab driver that almost clipped us outside. The only reason the car missed is because Ace pulled back at the last second.”

“He did his job.” Emily was proud of her dog.

“He certainly did. Otherwise I might be laid up in a bed next to you.” Alison walked over to Emily’s side. “You feeling a little better?”

“Nate gave me some drugs for the nausea. I was able to choke down some toast.”

“Did he say anything else about the neurosurgeon?”

“Not yet.” Emily sighed. “Did you see Hanna and Caleb?”

“Yeah. I ran into Caleb in the waiting room. He said Hanna’s been worried so they made the trip up. I swear that girl is psychic. Did you tell her?”

“No. She guessed.”

“Voo doo magic.” Alison uttered under her breath.

“Yes, the blue-eyed porcelain whiter than white valley girl voo doo queen.” Emily laughed at the absurdity.

Alison sat down on the bed next to Emily.

“I don’t understand how Caleb puts up with her.” Alison shook her head in disbelief.

“Because he’s just as stubborn and opinionated.” Emily pointed out. “One time they got into a fight about table cheeses.”

“I pity their future children.” Alison scoffed.

“How many babies do you think they’ll have?” Emily asked.

“That girl is going to have a whole litter.”

“Did you just call my best friend a bitch?”

Alison chuckled.

“If the diamond studded collar fits…” Alison played it off innocently. “Actually, I think she’d be a really good mom. Despite her being a controlling loudmouth know-it-all…”

“All perfect qualities of a mother…” Emily smiled. “She has a nurturing side that she doesn’t allow people to see. She’s taken care of me for years.” Emily trailed off in thought. “It’s so weird to think about the fact that a few years from now everything could be so different.”

“Yeah.” Alison nodded. “Do you think everyone will stay together?”

“Hanna and Caleb are a given. They’re definitely marriage material. They already act like an old married couple. I think Aria and Ezra will make it, too. I’ve always heard that high school relationships don’t usually stand the test of time, but I feel like those two have been dating since they were in diapers. I could see them traveling a bit, seeing the world before they think about settling down.”

“I could see them doing one of those hippie-dippie Shaman marriage things where they’re both barefoot in the middle of the jungle somewhere and they confirm the marriage by drinking some patchouli tea that will take them on some weird spiritual journey of the mind.”

“That is exactly how I imagine their wedding going.” Emily was impressed with the detail and thought Alison had put into it. “What do you think about Spencer and Toby?”

“I think they’ll probably do the whole white picket fence out in the country somewhere. Get a couple of dogs. _Maybe_ they’ll have a kid if Spencer can calm the fuck down long enough to embrace the quiet life.”

"I don’t know that they’ll ever get married. I do think they’ll be a family, but neither one of them believes in conforming to society’s norms. Spencer won’t let a piece of paper define her relationship with Toby.” Emily thought it over.

“Maybe he’ll propose to her with giant scrabble letters.” Alison laughed.

“I would kill to see that.” Emily had a mixed expression on her face. She looked happy, but at the same time there was a quiet undertone of sadness.

“Do you…” Alison paused and sighed. She reached for Emily’s hand. “Do you ever think about us…about our future?”

“Every minute of the day.” Emily gripped her hand.

“What do you see?”

“I dream about waking up to you every morning, the sound of the waves crashing outside along the beach.” Emily sighed. “I dream about us making breakfast and sitting at the table, getting distracted from our food because we can’t stop holding hands.” She smiled and put a little bit of pressure on Alison’s fingers. “I dream about us listening to the sound of little footfalls charging down the hallway and calling out for their mommies. I dream that we play with our babies…chase them around the house and tickle them and revel in the sound of their laughter.” She paused thoughtfully. “I dream that we walk the beach barefoot, listening to our kids splash in the water. I dream that we walk our beaches until we grow old together. We could just sit out on the porch as the sun sets, and we can just _be_ there…in the moment. Together. That’s all I want. I just want to be with you. No matter where we are.”

Alison let out a shaky exhalation. She’d been able to see it all in her mind. Emily always painted images so precisely. Alison thought about the way Emily had told her story. She hadn’t once mentioned her eyesight in her vision for the future.

“Was the mention of kids too much?” Emily questioned.

“No.” Alison smiled through her tears. “I want kids with you, too, Emily.”

It wasn’t the kids, or the lack of eyesight that unsettled Alison. What worried her was _how_ perfect it sounded. It sounded like a dream that Emily was afraid might never come true. It sounded like a fairytale she might tell Lily.

“I want everything you want.” Alison cleared her throat. She looked down at their hands. “I love you, Emily Fields.”

“I love you, too, Alison DiLaurentis.”

There was a beat of silence and then Alison gripped her hand and looked at her hopefully.

“Marry me.” Alison’s voice came out nearly breathless. She didn’t have a ring. And it wasn’t much of a proposal. Still, she wanted to take the shot while she had it.

Emily smiled sweetly at her and shook her head.

“No.” Emily said.

“Why not? There’s no time like the present.” Alison egged her on.

Emily sighed, taking a thoughtful pause.

“Because I’m not going to die and leave you a widow at eighteen, Alison.”

“You’re not dying.”

Emily just sighed again in response. This was her fault. For letting Alison get in with her this deep. She was going to break this girl’s heart. Emily took a shaky breath.

“Oh, sweetheart…we were doomed from the start.” She winced painfully.

“No.” Alison disagreed. “No, we weren’t. I am so blessed. I am so fucking blessed that I have you in my life. You have no idea. I…I was drowning.” Just like that little five-year-old in the pool. “I was drowning and you were my lifeline.” Alison moved up so she could bury her face against Emily’s collar bone. She felt a hot tear slip down her cheek and against Emily’s gown. “It’s not fair.” Alison complained. “It’s not fair that this is happening to you. Why do these things always happen to the best people? You deserve to live.”

“I have lived.” Emily thought about her life. “I have lived one hell of a lifetime.” She ran her fingers through Alison’s hair. “But before you I had never loved before.”

She’d had something special with Maya. She had loved her, in the first-love puppy-love kind of way. But what she had with Alison didn’t compare. She felt like she wouldn’t be able to breathe without Alison’s love in her life.

“I never will again.” Alison’s voice started to tremble.

“Alison,” Emily’s tone came out soft, and full of pity, “…promise me you won’t close yourself off to the possibility of love. Promise me you’ll find someone who loves you as much as I do, and someone you love just as much…” She didn’t want her to be alone.

“I can’t do that.” Alison shook her head. “I can’t promise that.”

“Ali…”

“This is so unfair.” Alison snapped. “We were supposed to have our whole lives. We were supposed to have this beautiful lifetime together. I want the beach. I want you and the kids and the front porch swing. I waited my entire life for you. It can’t be over like this. We’ve come too far for us to lose one another now.”

“Oh, honey…” Emily sighed, tears burning her eyes. “I told you I was going to break your heart.”

She’d warned her before they’d dived in together that she was going to break her heart, but neither one of them cared in the heat of the moment, and it had led them here. Alison laughed sadly.

“I told you that you couldn’t break what I didn’t have.” She remembered. “But the truth was, I was already broken. My heart was in pieces. You’re the one who put it back together.”

“And here I am shattering it again.” Emily mumbled. She sounded perturbed, and she was, at herself. She pressed her fingers against her right temple. “I’m such a fucking jackass. You deserve so much better…”

“Emily…” Alison uttered out in surprise.

“I’m sorry.” Emily clenched her jaw. “That…that came out wrong. Things are just hitting me.” She admitted. “God, I’m angry.” She bit through her teeth. “I swore I wouldn’t get angry. There’s no point in wasting emotions…” She paused and shook her head, “…but I’m pissed.” She clenched her fists. Her cheeks reddened as she fought back tears. “God…I’m pissed. We don’t deserve this. I am pissed that life led me to you too late, and that _this_ is where we are. I’m pissed that people like Ben fucking Coogan get three square meals a day without ever having to worry about whether or not a brain tumor is going to kill him. I’m pissed that Lily has never known a life without her Leukemia. I’m pissed that Maya died and that Nate had to suffer and that you and all of my friends are having to deal with the ramifications of my cancer. My _fucking_ cancer. Fuck it. Fuck this. Fuck cancer.”

“You don’t have to tell me to throw my middle fingers up at it.” Alison replied quietly. “They’re in that permanent position.”

“This is so fucking fucked. I’m only eighteen. I want to go to college. I want to graduate. I want a family, a life. I want…I want Lily. God, I want her. I want to be a mom.” Emily cried.

“I know…” Alison rubbed her arm. All she could do was listen to her.

“I want to be an adult, a _real_ adult…not an adulthood forced on me by having to make decisions related to my medical treatment. I want to bitch about student loans and complain about bills. I want to roll my eyes and call the government stupid. I want to get drunk and moan about the hangover. I just want to grow up. I want to see the future.” Emily’s jaw was shaking. She felt Alison’s fingertips gently graze it. “And I do want to marry you, Ali. I do. Someday I want to marry you and I want to see all of our friends get married and have kids. I want to see our future.”

Alison lowered her head and tried to contain her emotions. She forced herself to look at Emily. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Cece had told her about Emily needing her.

“Hey. You’re going to see it, Em.” Even if she didn’t _see_ it see it. Even if she didn’t _visually_ see it. “It’s not over. Nate said he’d figure it out. He promised…”

“There are no guarantees in medicine.” Emily’s face tightened. “Don’t hold on to things like promises. Until we know what the neurosurgeon thinks…”

“If she can’t fix it we’ll find someone who can. Money isn’t an object. My trust fund is enough to buy a bunch of tropical islands. It should be enough to find someone in the world who can help you.”

“Money can’t fix everything,” Emily said sadly.

“Money and determination certainly can.”

“Ali, you can’t _bribe_ the cancer away…”

“Watch me. I’ll fucking come up with a cure myself if I have to.” She laid her cheek against Emily’s body.

She couldn’t fathom a world in which her girlfriend didn’t exist. And Emily couldn’t fathom leaving her alone in the world. Neither one of them were ready for what the future held. As the hours passed Alison kept quietly assuring herself that some kind of miracle was going to come along. She hoped, and despite thinking that religion was a complete sham, she prayed.

All they had left was faith. Faith that it wasn’t over. Faith that medicine would prevail. And faith that even though the balance of Emily’s life was now in the hands of a neurosurgeon they had never even met who would need to perform a surgery that no one in the community thought was possible, that she’d somehow be able to perform a medical miracle.

After two days of agonizing, of waiting, of not knowing, Doctor Sullivan returned Nate’s phone call. Nate tried to remain professional, but he was shaking the entire time they were on the phone. Because this wasn’t just any patient. This was Emily.

When they hung up Nate had to take a few minutes to compose himself. Then he went to talk to Emily and her family.

* * *

 **A/N:** _Oh, goody. More cliffhangers. Sorry (not sorry). What do we think? What kind of doctor face is Nate wearing right now? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the same face he’d have if he’d caught Emily and Alison in the act (and Alison’s filthy mind about mermaids and deep diving *makes self blush*). Geeze, those two._

_I like writing emotional chapters like this one, because it gives a round look at all the characters and showcases their duality. The moments between Alison and Emily both breaking down were inevitable. But I also hope you enjoyed Alison’s budding friendship with Nate. Not to mention Emily’s chat with Hanna, and Alison reaching out to Cece (who couldn’t NOT be classic Cece in a moment like that, maybe I should write a short story about her sexploits in Europe). Even little moments with Lily are fun to write. I like to touch upon more than just Emison’s relationship and I hope it’s balanced enough for you._


	32. Eye of the Beholder

**A/N:** _*collects permission slips for feels trip* I am...sorry for a lot of things. It’s painful. And it’s long. As long as the Maya chapter. I had someone complain about a chapter that was too long exactly *one* time (not on this platform) so now I have a nice little complex about it (despite the bestie willing to pop off and threatening to cut a bitch). Honestly, people should know by now that I think I’m an idiot bitch. It’s like the inner critic sees any kind of criticism as a challenge, and she never backs down from a challenge. She’s the ULTIMATE “here, hold my beer” champion. But honestly? If all people are complaining about is the length, maybe I'm not doing so bad.  
_

* * *

  **Chapter 32:**

**Eye of the Beholder**

Nate went to find Wren first, to talk to him about Doctor Sullivan’s phone call. After he relayed the message to the thoughtful Brit, all he got was a quiet,

“Oh…” in response.

“Yeah.” Nate nodded. “I know.”

“Have you spoken with Emily and her family yet?”

His voice carried outside the cracked door of Wren’s office, where Alison was walking by with some herbal tea for Emily. She heard Emily’s name and almost dropped the drink. She felt like barging in and demanding to know what they were talking about.

“Not yet. I was on my way to do that, but I have one more phone call to make.”

“Listen, if Annette said…”

“I don’t doubt her.” Nate assured him. “I just want to follow up.”

Alison’s heart seized in her chest. This was it. This was Emily’s fate. She waited for more details, but unfortunately, she didn’t get them.

“Alright. Well, keep me informed.” Wren asked politely. “And find me when you go to speak with them. I’d like to be there.”

“Of course.” Nate nodded. “Do you have an update on Mara O’Malley?”

Alison felt like screaming. She didn’t care about Mara O’Malley. She wanted to know more about Emily. Of course, she knew they had other patients, but it was still hard for her to hear them talking about others when she knew that Emily was barely hanging on to life. And Emily was holding on for her. Alison knew that.

She sighed and walked away, knowing she wasn’t going to get any more information until Nate and Wren came to talk to them. She could bother them all she wanted, but they wouldn’t tell her a thing until they’d spoken with Emily.

She tried to put on a brave face before going into Emily’s room. Of course, faking a mask of stoicism wouldn’t help. Because Emily didn’t _see_ her emotions. She felt them. As luck would have it, Pam and Wayne were in the room. They were mid-discussion with Emily about something that was making them all smile. It wasn’t a surprise. Wayne had a gentle fun way about him that made everyone feel at ease. Ace was asleep at his feet. If it wasn’t for the hospital setting it would have looked like a Christmas card.

“Ah, Alison.” Wayne waved her in. “Come in and settle something for us.”

“Oh, we are not pulling her into this ridiculous drama.” Pam immediately cut in.

“I…I can come back if I’m interrupting something important.” Alison stopped at the door.

“No, you get your ass in here and save me from these two.” Emily ordered.

Alison smiled and quickly paced forward. She was not prepared for the question he asked.

“Okay, so my child has lost her mind and I need you to be the voice of reason here…”

The jittery nerves she felt slowly dissipated. She liked feeling included by Emily’s family, though they knew that she would automatically side with the girl she loved. But then she started to freak out again, worried that they were arguing about Emily’s health.

“…who do _you_ think is the best Batman?”

 _What the hell?_ She thought to herself.

“Uh…what?” Had she heard him right? They were in a hospital room…arguing about Batman?

“Adam West was a classic. But Emily and her mother seem to think Michael Keaton had something special.” He scoffed.

“Oh…you…you’re serious? This is what we’re doing?” Alison sat down next to Emily and took her hand. She put the tea down on the tray in front of her.

“Welcome to my life.” Emily smiled. She lowered her voice. “If the cancer doesn’t send you running away screaming my parents certainly will.”

“So, Alison, what do you say?” Wayne asked. “And please don’t break my heart and tell me Clooney…”

“Uh…well, I never actually saw any _Batman_ movies…” Alison shrugged, a sheepish look on her face.

“ _Never_ saw a _Batman_ movie?” Wayne clutched his chest dramatically. “Emmy, I think we’re going to have to reconsider you dating this otherwise lovely girl. Never seen a _Batman_ movie.” He scoffed to himself jokingly.

Alison couldn’t help but laugh.

“I mean, my brother used to watch that kind of stuff, but I don’t know much about the Avengers…”

“Oh my God, she doesn’t know the difference between Marvel and DC.” Wayne’s fake heart attack worsened. He threw his head back dramatically.

“Don’t be a dork, dad.” Emily flushed in embarrassment.

“This is very serious stuff. Having tasteful knowledge in Batman is right up there with what your significant other’s favorite kind of pizza is in determining whether you can get married.” Wayne gave her a hard time.

“Oh, leave them alone.” Pam pushed him. “You eat pineapple pizza and I still married you.”

“Pineapple on pizza is a staple, a revolutionary food that people hate for no reason. It gets a bad rap.”

“I like pesto and sun-dried tomatoes on my pizza,” Alison said. “And can I choose Lego Batman for my favorite Batman?”

“Alright, you have my permission to keep seeing my daughter. But I’ve got my eye on you.”

“You are exhausting.” Emily shook her head. Something dawned on her. She turned towards Alison. “Wait, Lego Batman? _You_ like Lego Batman? You’ve _seen_ Lego Batman?” She had a wide smile on her face.

Alison could tell that she was enjoying her pain medication. She always got a goofy look in her eyes when she was riding high on her meds.

“I watched the movie on a plane a while ago.”

Emily reached up towards her face, her palm searching for her cheek. When her fingers grazed Alison’s cheek bone she reached out with her index finger and gently booped her on the nose and laughed.

“You’re a nerd.” Emily grinned.

Alison was too stunned to reply. Emily Fields, the girl she had slept with numerous times, who had gotten completely risqué with her, Emily Fields was _booping_ her nose.

Emily’s face softened and she hummed under her breath as she put her hand back against Alison’s cheek.

“I love you.”

Alison felt the blood rush to her face. She tried not to make eye contact with Emily’s parents. It’s not like they hadn’t said it around them before, but Alison still felt weird about it. She thought they might be secretly judging her for corrupting their precious daughter and having “the sex” though neither Pam nor Wayne had ever said one word about their relationship.

Alison stared at her girlfriend, covered in tubes and wires and sitting in a hospital bed. And she was still fucking smiling. And that smile…her goddamn smile…it only generated one response in Alison.

“I love you, too.”

They spent another hour making small talk, Wayne doing his best to make everyone feel comfortable, despite the crippling emotional pain Alison knew he was in.

Hanna and Caleb came by with smoothies for everyone. The room got a little crowded, but they always made room. They were all family. Caleb jumped into the Batman debate with Wayne. Hanna just rolled her eyes and laughed.

Alison felt so much love being surrounded by Emily’s family. And while it made her feel part of something bigger…a family she’d never known, it also made her feel confined…trapped. Isolated. She couldn’t stop thinking about the future. She couldn’t stop obsessing over it.

Sitting in the room knowing that Nate was going to come in at any minute put Alison on edge. She was present in the conversation, but she wasn’t really _listening._

By the time Nate and Wren finally showed she was a nervous wreck. Everyone in the room was stunned by what they had to say at first, though they all knew there had been a possibility…

A _slight_ possibility, but even when Wren started talking about the surgery Alison didn’t believe it was real.

“…of course a craniotomy wouldn’t give us the access we need…” Wren explained. “These kinds of tumors are tricky because of the location. We’ve been trying to come at it in the traditional way. But Doctor Sullivan reminded us that there is another approach to it. It’s just an approach that is used less often. We were always looking at it from one angle. But think of the skull as…as a house. There’s more than one way in. And if we can’t get in the normal way…” Wren explained, tracing his finger towards Emily’s nose.

“Wait, so you’d go in through her eye?” Pam sounded nervous.

 _Go in?_ Alison thought to herself. It was real? They were considering the surgery? The neuro doctor was talking about actually proceeding with a surgery that was unprecedented? There really was _actual_ hope?

“No ma’am,” Wren said. “We’d use a microscopic camera and go in through the nasal passage. It’s a transnasal endoscopic skull-base surgery.”

Nate recognized the confusion on everyone’s faces.

“We’d use a tiny microscopic-guided camera and newer age technology to cut our way through the bone and tissue until we reached the tumor.” Nate tried to simplify it. “Once we have it localized we can use a direct one-time radiation that will break the tumor apart and make it easier to remove. And once we’ve completed the extraction we’ll reconstruct the nasal cavity with the help of an ENT specialist. It’s a complex surgery, but Doctor Sullivan believes it’s worth a shot. I called the ENT specialist to see if she agreed with Doctor Sullivan’s technique. She did.”

Alison felt like fainting. Were miracles real?

“Could this actually work?” Wayne asked skeptically.

“It has a proven success rate, but it has a moderate margin of error.” Nate nodded. “You have to understand that a surgery like this for glioblastomas is unprecedented. It’s usually used for pituitary tumors and there are risks associated with that alone. Modifying it for a glioblastoma increases the chances of major complications…”

“I’m already blind and dying.” Emily interrupted Nate. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Well, there are the common complications. Anosmia, which is…”

“Loss of smell,” Emily said. “So I’d be down another sense.”

“It doesn’t happen in all cases, but considering the extent of the surgery it is likely to occur. But even if it does happen, it could very well be short term,” Wren said. “We’d also be looking at potential nosebleeds in the future, sinus pressure issues. All standard post-operative complications. The post-surgical complications can also include damage to the pituitary system, cerebrospinal fluid leak, meningitis…and a number of other problematic side effects.”

“But…those don’t worry you as much as the major complications that could happen during the procedure.” Emily tried to draw it out of them.

It was uncomfortable to talk about, but Wren and Nate both knew Emily and her family deserved to know what could go wrong on a major scale. Nate sighed and nodded.

“Because of the location of the tumor and how aggressive it is, there are moderate risks for hemorrhaging, stroke, and brain death…”

The room was silent for a few seconds. No one knew what to say. No one except Emily.

“It’s my best chance?” Emily asked.

“It’s all we’ve got.” Nate replied, putting his hand on top of hers. “If left untreated…”

“I know.” Emily nodded in understanding.

“We need to decide fairly quickly. If we’re going to do this we need to get you started on the pre-operative medication regimen. It is a time sensitive thing here. Though, of course, we know you’ll want some time to think it over…”

“I’ve had enough time.” Emily disagreed with Wren. “Thinking is all I’ve been doing…for the past thirteen years. Thinking about whether or not I want to take one treatment in lieu of another one. Or whether I should do a trial or whether I should stick to a targeted therapy. Thinking about whether or not a surgery is going to give me more time…” She rubbed her eyes. “I’m sick of thinking. I just want it over with,” Emily said. “Live or die. I want to be done thinking. I can’t stand the waiting anymore.” She took a calculated breath.

Every eye in the room was on her. Her mom started to open her mouth to say something, but Emily took control of the conversation.

“Let’s do the surgery.”

“Emily…” Nate said cautiously.

He knew the only reason she was so quick to decide was because she was tired of waiting to die. But he wanted her to take the time to consider the risks, too.

“I want to do it, Nate,” Emily said.

“You’re certain?” Wren asked.

She could feel everyone’s concern radiating off of them. Alison’s fear was the most palpable. If Emily zeroed in on all of the noise in the room she could pick out where everyone was standing and sitting, and what they were doing. She heard her mother’s foot tapping impatiently against the floor. She heard her father’s heavy breath and a quiet message to Pam, and Pam alone. All he had to do was gently say her name and the tapping stopped. She could hear Ace’s breathing, because his breathing pattern was much different than that of the humans in the room. She could hear the slight jingle of his collar as Hanna…or Caleb, scratched his neck.

Wren and Nate were both shuffling their shoes against the floor. Emily didn’t doubt that they were sharing worried looks.

But through all the noise she heard the softest, tiniest whimper. And she knew it was her girlfriend. It made her sound young. And vulnerable. And it made Emily want to rush out of bed and pick her up in her arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t.

She wanted to tell her family that she felt like her bed had become a prison and her cancer felt like her death sentence. She was so antsy. But she tried to keep her frustration to a minimum for the sake of her family.

“I’d tell you to bring her in right now and perform the surgery today if I thought that was an option.” Emily sounded like she was at the end of her rope. She was sick of being in a hospital bed. “Lobotomize me. Maybe while you’re in there remove some of my less pleasant memories. I’ve got a first grade pageant I’d love to forget entirely.” She would have told them to kill the memory of Ben in the locker room, but that day involved Alison and she didn’t want to forget anything about her girlfriend. “Go nuts. I’m totally open minded here.” She paused and then added. “Literally.”

“Ease up, Em,” Hanna said quietly. She took Emily’s hand and gently spelled out ‘Ali’ against her palm so Emily would remember that Alison wasn’t used to the darkness of impending death.

Emily nodded to let Hanna know she got her message. She was thankful to have her looking out for Alison. She quietly settled back into her bed and then asked Nate to know more about the surgery.

Alison’s gaze drifted over towards Emily’s parents. They were looking at their daughter and then looking at each other. Pam had tears in her eyes. Alison noticed just how much of her facial structure looked like Emily’s.

Hanna was sitting in a chair across the room next to Caleb. Ace was in between them. Caleb had his hand against Hanna’s back. Hanna was mindlessly stroking Ace’s head. Hanna looked over at Alison with a blank look on her face.

Alison was struggling to tell if this was good news or bad news. Her ears were buzzing during most of the conversation. At some point she saw Hanna turn to Caleb and whisper something to him. He nodded and stood up to take Ace out for a walk.

Even without Caleb and Ace, the room still felt over-cramped. Alison felt an internal panic she’d never had before. She wasn’t claustrophobic, but as she looked around the room from Emily to Hanna to Emily’s parents, and then to Wren and Nate she felt like the walls were closing in on her.

She heard a loud crack in her mind. And suddenly, she was back in the supply closet at school with Hanna. She was back to fearing that Emily had been killed by Ben. She saw a terrifying life without her. It was too much.

“Alison?” Wayne was the first one to notice her squirming around.

“I…I’m fine. I just need to get some water.” She backed out of the room, breathing heavily.

Emily made a motion to try and push herself up to go after her. Nate put his hand against her shoulder to stop her.

“Hanna…” Emily begged her best friend.

She’d get up and chase after Alison if she had the stamina and strength, but she knew she’d collapse before she made it to the door. Even then, she would have crawled after her if she didn’t think her doctors and her parents would pull her back to bed. Nate knew that’s exactly what she was planning on doing, so he was holding her in place.

“I’m on it.” Hanna assured her, slowly walking after Alison, wanting to give her the space she needed. She knew exactly where Alison was going.

Minutes later Hanna found Alison curled up in a ball in the corner of the closest bathroom. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and was rocking back and forth and trying to catch her breath. Hanna kneeled down in front of her and stuck her hand out.

“Come on. Come with me.” Hanna helped her up.

“I can’t…I can’t go back there…I’m sorry…I know I should, but I can’t. It’s…it’s too much…”

“Ali, you’re having a panic attack,” Hanna said calmly. “I think I know something that might help.”

Alison craned her neck to look up at Hanna, a girl she’d once despised. But right now she was the only person in the world she trusted as much as Emily. The girl had saved her life during the school shooting. And she had been with her every step of the way as Emily battled her cancer.

Alison nodded and took Hanna’s hand. Hanna led her to the sink, where she made her splash her face with cool water and take a few deep breaths. When Alison got control of her breathing Hanna led her out into the hallway, walking slowly.

Ten minutes later they were in the maternity ward. For the most part, new mothers kept their newborns in their rooms with them, but there was still a nursery for when mothers had to be taken for procedures or they just needed a little bit of rest. There were a dozen cribs lined up. Half of them had babies in them. Some were squirming around, some were whining, some were wiggling and kicking and looking at their surroundings, and two of them were sleeping. One dark-haired dark-skinned newborn looked towards Hanna and Alison. Hanna smiled at the infant.

“Babies?” Alison asked in surprise.

“I come here to look at them when I’m overwhelmed.” Hanna admitted. “Reminds me of the good in the world.” She sighed. “It was actually Emily’s idea. A long time ago when she was in the hospital she told me that no one could be sad when they looked at babies.” She waved at the little girl who was staring at them through the window. “Look at them. They’re so little and ridiculous.”

Alison stared at the tiny creatures and she realized that Hanna was right. There was something about seeing new life that made her appreciate the life she had. Her eyes landed on an infant curled into a blue and white blanket. He opened his sleepy eyes long enough to look around and open his mouth, seemingly in awe, before yawning and falling back into a comfortable sleep, like the world wasn’t a big scary place. He was just a tired baby and he was doing what tired babies did.

Alison looked at Hanna. She looked so serene.

“You’ve been doing this a while, huh?” Alison asked.

“I’d like to lie to you and tell you that you get used to it, but you never do.” She looked away from the pink fuzzy bunny wallpaper. “She’s my best friend.” Hanna blinked, tears appearing in her eyes.

Alison reached out and took her hand. They stood in silence for several minutes. Hanna cleared her throat and rubbed her eyes.

“There’s no handbook on how to deal with it. Emily was always the handbook for me. She passed all the knowledge on to me, and I guess now it’s my turn to do that for you.”

“So…you’re like my Sherpa or something?” Alison asked.

“Or something.” Hanna shrugged. She frowned. “What’s a Sherpa?”

“Never mind.” Alison glanced at the infants again. “Look, I appreciate this and everything, but you don’t have to take care of me just because Emily asked you to. I’m fine.”

“I just pulled you off of the bathroom floor…”

“It was just…I had a moment. It doesn’t mean I’m an invalid who needs supervision.” Alison huffed back defensively.

“Are you still taking the anti-anxiety medication the therapist recommended?”

“The meds didn’t help.” Alison frowned, avoiding Hanna’s gaze.

“Your brother says that you stopped answering his calls.” Hanna pushed.

“Oh my God, he’s calling _you_ now?”

“No. Emily called him a few days ago. I overheard,” Hanna explained. “She’s worried about you. They both are.”

“Jason is just overreacting. I told him I was fine when he came up two weeks ago. He pushed the stupid drugs on me then, too.” It was ironic, an addict pushing prescription medications on someone. “They make me feel worse…like I’m empty.” She fidgeted uncomfortably. She didn’t want to talk about her emotions. “We should go back. Emily needs us…”

“Ali, right now what Emily needs is for us to be there for each other. So just…shut up and let me be your fucking friend.”

“Wow, such language in front of the little ears.” Alison pointed to the babies.

Hanna shook her head with a laugh. They watched the babies for a few more minutes. Alison couldn’t take her eyes off of a little one with a pink hat on her head. There was just a tiny bit of hair peeking out from underneath the cap. Her eyes were wide and watching everything around her. She reminded Alison a lot of Emily.

“Do you think she’s going to die?” Alison swallowed a lump in her throat.

Hanna’s face tightened. She mashed her lips together. Her brow furrowed.

“I’ve never seen it this bad.” Hanna admitted. “And the surgery…it’s not something she’s ever done before. It…it’s pretty risky. I don’t know what to tell you.”

There was a beat of silence and then Alison scoffed.

“You’re a shit Sherpa.” She teased Hanna.

“Well, you’re stuck with me, so get over it.”

Over the next few days, Alison did get over it. She slowly started to let Hanna in. She listened to her. She accepted her advice. And what’s more, she accepted her friendship.

The doctors started Emily on a new regimen of medication to get her ready for the surgery. It made her groggy most of the time, but she forced herself to stay awake as often as she could for her friends and family.

Toby, Spencer, Aria, and Ezra came up to see her a few days before she was scheduled for surgery. Aria brought a home-cooked meal for all of them to share. Emily wasn’t really hungry, but she forced herself to eat.

“You really outdid yourself, Aria,” Emily said. “This ratatouille is like a little trip to France.”

“I mean, I know it’s not Paris by the ocean, but we wanted to bring a little culture to you.” Aria said as everyone polished off the ratatouille.

Alison felt a wave of sadness, because what if Emily didn’t ever get to see the French Riviera? What if she never left the hospital?

 _Stop fucking thinking like that._ She snapped at herself.

But her mind was spiraling out of control. She didn’t like it. Not being able to grasp control drove her insane. She tried to push the bad thoughts away. She looked around the room at Emily’s friends, and she realized that she was touched by all of their kind gestures. She started to wonder if there was something more she could do to make Emily feel even the slightest bit better. She wanted to fly her out to Paris, but that clearly wasn’t happening any time soon.

“You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble,” Emily said with a sweet smile.

“Em, you’re lying in a hospital bed with a brain tumor.” Aria put her empty plate down. “Sitting in a dorm and making food is nothing compared to that.”

“Since when are you suzy home-maker?” Emily gave her a hard time.

“Actually, I’m the suzy home-maker.” Ezra replied with a quiet laugh. “She just supervised.”

“It’s true.” Aria nodded. “He put on an apron and I told him what to do while sipping on some sparkling cider and watching the Home and Garden network on his wifi.”

“Damn, Aria, you went from 18 to 35 overnight.” Spencer chuckled.

“This coming from the girl who puts on a fuzzy housecoat and slippers in the mornings and lounges on the porch watching birds.”

“Ornithology is proven to be a sign of high intelligence.” Spencer was unbothered.

“God, we get it, Spence. You don’t have to keep boasting about your high IQ.” Hanna rolled her eyes.

Emily smiled and laughed softly. She loved her friends.

“You’re a shoo-in for valedictorian,” Emily said. “Do you know what you’re going to say for your speech yet?”

The room fell silent. They knew that she’d been having problems with her memories, but none of them had really experienced it. Spencer glanced at Toby. There was a moment of quiet tension in the air. Spencer’s valedictorian speech had been nearly two months ago. For a minute, no one knew how to reply. Alison bit her tongue. She felt her heart shatter and crack just the slightest bit more every time Emily drifted away from her.

“I think we have a video of it on Toby’s phone.” Though Spencer’s IQ was high, her emotional intelligence on how to react to her friend’s memory lapse was swimming somewhere in the dark part of her brain.

“You…how?” Emily asked in confusion. “Oh, wait. It’s…is it a practice speech? Or…” She moved her hands away from her food. She gripped her right thumb with her fingers from her left hand. Alison had learned that meant she felt stressed, though Emily had never admitted it. “That’s not…it happened already, right?”

“Yeah.” Hanna replied, her voice soft.

Emily clenched her jaw in thought. Her head was hurting, which didn’t help her disorientation.

“Em?” Aria asked gently. “Are you alright?”

“I…I uh…I’m sorry. I don’t…I’m not sure…” She cinched her eyes shut and then opened them back up to try and relieve some of the pressure. “I don’t…I don’t want you to miss graduation because of me.”

She pulled her hand away from her face. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. They could tell her thoughts were distant.

“She um…she loses her train of thought sometimes.” Alison took Emily’s hand. She rubbed her thumb across Emily’s knuckles. She reached up with her other hand and touched her cheek. “It’s okay, sweetie. You’re just tired.”

Emily had a blank look on her face. She seemed apprehensive and unsure of Alison’s touch.

“Hey, it’s me, mermaid.” She tried to calm her down. “It’s your princess,” she said quietly. “You know me…” She moved one of Emily’s hands up to her face so she could feel her cheek.

Some of Emily’s tension faded.

“Ali,” she breathed a sigh of relief. Emily stroked her face. “We should go. Do you have the tickets?”

“The tickets?”

“Our flight. It’s going to leave soon.”

Alison could hear all of their friends shuddering out unsteady breaths, but she didn’t pry her eyes away from Emily.

“France will still be there tomorrow.” Alison replied, cupping Emily’s face. “We’ve got other plans today, remember? You…you know where we are, right?”

“I…” Emily scrunched her face in concentration. She sighed and laid her head back against her pillow. “I want to go home.”

Aria fought back a cry. Spencer turned her face to hide her tears, but Toby reached out and pulled his girlfriend into his embrace. It was hard for all of them to hear.

“What did we always say when we were little?” Toby leaned over and touched her leg. “Home is where your family is. And we’re all here. We’re all right here.” He squeezed her ankle through the covers.

“I’m sorry.” Emily bit back tears.

“Em, we’re going to let you get some rest, okay?” Alison squeezed her hand.

Emily looked confused at first, but the sound of Alison’s voice registered. She grimaced and then nodded in agreement.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was saying.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll come back to you,” Alison assured her. “It will.”

“I’ll just…I’ll get some rest so I’ll be more coherent when they get here. I don’t want them to worry…”

Aria and Ezra glanced at one another. Aria had tears in her eyes. Hanna grabbed Caleb’s hand and squeezed it. Spencer reached out and rubbed Toby’s shoulder. She knew how hard he was taking Emily’s illness. He’d been fairly inconsolable since she’d been admitted to the hospital. He’d barely said a word the entire ride up and he’d been quiet in her hospital room.

“Hanna?” Emily asked.

“Yeah, I’m here.” Hanna replied. “What do you need?”

“Take care of Ali for me. Make sure she gets something to eat and gets some sleep.”

“You got it, Em.”

Alison moved Emily’s knuckles up to her lips and delicately kissed them. Emily smiled at her and reached out until her free hand brushed against Alison’s side. Through her motions Alison could feel her love.

Alison leaned over and kissed her on the lips and then quietly pulled away to let Emily get some sleep. She lingered a little longer than their friends. When she walked out into the hallway she overheard Hanna talking to the others.

“…hopefully will get better after the surgery.”

 _If she survives the surgery._ Alison thought to herself. But she didn’t say it out loud. She wasn’t about to bring everyone else down.

Aria was huddled against Ezra crying so hard that they were both shaking. It was the first time Aria had seen Emily this bad. She’d visited Emily several times, but Emily had never been that out of it in front of her.

Alison couldn’t help but sympathize with Aria. With Hanna, it was one thing. Hanna had been with Emily in this since the beginning. But Aria had been in the dark, just like Alison. And she’d been friends with Emily since they were little. Understandably, it was hitting her hard.

The blonde reached out and touched Aria’s arm. It was a move that surprised both of them. Alison wasn’t exactly touchy-feely. Aria smiled appreciatively at her, her eyes glowing an olive colored green through her tears.

“Why don’t we go walk around a bit?” Ezra suggested, knowing that if Aria stayed outside Emily’s hospital room she was going to completely crack.

“I could go for some gelato.” Caleb suggested. He knew he needed to get Hanna out into the sunlight, too. She’d been spending way too much time in the dark. “Emily’s parents showed us this awesome little hidden spot about two miles from here.”

“Should we…” Spencer stopped herself and thought about what she wanted to say. “Should we really leave the hospital while she’s…”

“The doctors will make sure she’s okay.” Toby rubbed Spencer’s back.

“I think I’m going to stay.” Alison glanced back towards Emily’s room.

“Ali…” Hanna said with a frown, “…she said…”

“She’s not the boss of me.” Alison realized she sounded like a two-year-old the second she said it, but she stood her ground. “You guys go ahead. I’ll let you know if there is any change.”

“Are you sure?” Aria reached out to touch her arm.

It was strangely comforting to Alison. She nodded with a tight smile.

“Yeah.”

They reluctantly agreed, though Spencer wanted to push her and force her out the door, but Toby kept her in line. He knew Alison needed time to breathe, to think.

Alison watched them walk off with their significant others, and she felt a hole in her heart. Because they all had someone. They all had a sounding board, a voice of reason, a pair of arms to fall into and cry. But she refused to do that to Emily. She refused to be weak when Emily needed her to be strong. Emily had always been strong for her. Now it was her turn.

She walked the hallways of the hospital until she got to the maternity ward. There were only two babies in the nursery. She was hypnotized by them. Ever since Hanna had brought her here after her panic attack, she’d found solace in the babies. There was something powerful about knowing that everyone came into the world the same way. The innocence in their eyes was astounding. One of the maternity nurses walked in. She saw Alison and waved. Alison waved back. She heard someone shuffling up next to her. She saw a flash of blonde hair.

“You are a colossal pain in the ass, Alison DiLaurentis.”

“You stayed, too, huh?” Alison wasn’t the least bit surprised to see her.

“Caleb is just going to get my order for me.” Hanna shrugged. “Emily would ream my ass out if I left you by yourself. You heard her. She’s the boss.”

“And she calls _me_ whipped.” Alison shook her head.

“You’ve seen what she’s like when she’s pissed. That fucking cane is a deadly weapon. She scares me.” Hanna smiled lightheartedly.

“It was a _little_ fun watching her go all _Femme Fatale Daredevil_ on Noel and Ben. I thought she was going to break Noel’s nose for touching me.” She thought about the confrontation they’d had at the school. It seemed like so long ago. “She’s always protected me.” Alison sighed.

“She’s always protected everyone. She’s like a Pit Bull. Sweet. Kinda dopey.” Hanna smiled. “But she’s strong, too. And if someone goes after her loved ones all bets are off. She does more than protect her family. She guards them with her life.”

“I wish I could protect her from this,” Alison said meekly.

“You and me both.” Hanna agreed. “Too bad we can’t shrink ray ourselves and go into her bloodstream like _Braveheart_ and take out all the cancer cells.”

“We’d have to take Ace with us to be our GPS. With you as our Sherpa we’d end up taking a wrong turn and probably wind up at her spleen.”

“I’m flattered by your confidence in me,” Hanna said flatly.

“Am I wrong though?” Alison challenged her.

“Shut up.” Hanna rolled her eyes.

There was a beat of silence. They looked at the babies.

“I’m glad you’re here, Hanna,” Alison said, her eyes locked on the infant in the bassinet closest to the window. She couldn’t face Hanna and say that to her face. It was too weird.

“You liiiike me.” Hanna nudged her shoulder against Alison’s.

“I wouldn’t go _that_ far.” Alison glanced at her. “But I understand why Emily keeps you around.”

“Because she’s got damn fine taste.” Hanna didn’t skip a beat.

“She really does. In every respect. She has given me so much.”

She thought about their unforgettable Christmas that Emily had planned. She had gone to so much trouble to set up that picnic at their spot in the woods. And then there was the promposal. Alison still got a goofy smile on her face when she thought about the choreographed dance number that had happened on their cruise.

“I wish I could give her half of what she’s given me.”

“All she wants from you is your love, Ali. That’s all she’s ever wanted.”

“Damn, she’s trained you well.” Alison scoffed.

“It’s true.” Hanna shrugged.

“I know. But even so, I was thinking about something when we were eating lunch. I have this idea I want to run by you. I’d need your help to pull it off. You and everyone else.”

She’d been thinking about doing something big for Emily for a while now, but until Aria had showed up with French cuisine the idea had been dormant in her mind. She gave Hanna a general idea of the surprise she wanted to pull off for Emily.

“Oh, _hell yes_. I am _all_ in.” Hanna agreed.

“Think we can pull it off before the surgery?” Alison asked.

“You’re talking to the girl who pulled together a 40th birthday bash for her mother in 24 hours with almost no budget _and_ put a homecoming float together with almost zero notice. It will happen. Come hell or high water.” Hanna nodded.

The nurse in the maternity ward walked out with a baby in her arms. She walked by Alison and Hanna going towards the baby’s mother’s room.

“It has to be so strange to look at the world for the first time, not knowing anything about it.” Hanna watched the nurse turn a corner.

“I think it’s probably beautiful seeing everything for the first time.” Alison smiled.

Emily had really rubbed off on her. She’d never seen the world in light until Emily had come into her life.

“Seeing these tiny little humans reminds me that I haven’t seen my favorite wild child today,” Hanna said. “I’m going to go see Lily. You want to come?”

“No. I need a few minutes alone.”

“Are you going to be okay alone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m around if you need me.”

Hanna smiled weakly and then walked off. Alison watched her go. She watched the single baby in the nursery. It was a little girl. She was awake and alert, but she wasn’t crying. Her eyes drifted all around the room. She mashed her lips together and then cooed. Her little red face squinted up and her lips curled into a smile.

“You’re not thinking of replacing Lily with a younger model, are you?” She heard Nate’s voice.

She glanced up and saw him walking down the hallway towards her.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Alison shook her head with a laugh. She looked at the baby again. “She is cute though.” She looked over at Nate. “Did Hanna send you?”

“Emily did, actually,” Nate said.

Alison’s heart dropped into her stomach. She always worried he was going to have some horrible news. It was hard not to jump to the worst conclusion in the hospital.

“Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” he said. “I stopped in to check on her. She wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

“Is she resting? She’s supposed to be resting.”

“Are you backseat doctoring me?” Nate asked.

“I’m just checking. You know she pushes herself.”

“Yeah, she’s not the only one.” He glanced in the nursery and then looked at Alison. “When is the last time you saw daylight? You look like a vampire.”

“I’m naturally pale.” Alison spit back with a weak grin.

“Listen, Alison…you’ve been here every day…”

“So have you.” She cut him off.

“Because it’s my job to be here.”

“And it’s _my_ job to be with Emily.”

“Would she really be happy with you considering this a job?” Nate asked. “You know her better than that.” He frowned. “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you have. And I’ve seen what it can do to the loved ones. Hell, I’ve _lived_ what it can do to the loved ones.” He had a pained look on his face. Alison could see the loss of his sister in his eyes. “You have _got_ to get out…find some kind of outlet. If you’re not going to take the anti-anxiety drugs…”

“You read my file?” Alison huffed defensively.

“Of course not,” he said. “I know we hang out like normal people, but don’t forget…I’m a doctor. I can tell when patients aren’t doing what is recommended. I’ve seen your panic attacks. I’ve seen your tics. I see you pacing all the time. You’re either not taking your meds or you’re doing meth,” he said sarcastically. “So, which is it?”

“Oh, please.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Do I look like I’m a tweaker who would stand in an alley and then suck someone off for a hit? God, everyone here is so dramatic.”

Nate laughed a loud hearty laugh.

“You do realize the irony of that statement, don’t you? You threw a tantrum two days ago when the cafeteria brought Emily lime jello instead of strawberry.”

“Lime jello is a sin.” Alison stared straight at him with a serious look on her face. After a few seconds they both laughed. “I’m sorry I’ve been a little…on edge.”

“You’ve been throwing shit _over_ the edge at my staff.” Nate corrected her.

“Watching her go through this is harder than I ever could have imagined,” Alison admitted. “She warned me. She even tried to break up with me to protect me. She’s always…” She felt tears stinging her eyes. “That’s what she does. She protects me. And…I can’t imagine her not making it out of here. This surgery…it _has_ to work.”

Nate didn’t respond. She knew that he couldn’t. He couldn’t promise anything. Emily had told her several times there were no promises in medicine. After a few seconds he heaved out a sigh.

“It really is her best option,” he said. “But…”

“I don’t want to hear the rest.” Alison cut him off. “Don’t even put that negative energy out there.”

Nate looked at her sadly. He’d watched her slowly start to crumble. Ever since she’d come through the doors with Emily the day she’d had her seizure he’d seen her disintegrate, bit by bit. The hard hitting stuff was virtually impossible for her to stomach. He really felt for her. He’d watched the family of some of his other patients go through the same thing. No one person was different. But denial and grief left a hole in the soul that would always be a part of them.

“I was thinking about doing something for her…before the surgery. I could use your help with it. I’m going to need the hospital’s permission,” Alison said.

“It depends on what it is,” he replied.

Alison relayed the exact same idea she’d told Hanna. He seemed impressed by it, and he told her he’d help her make it happen. For Emily.

Alison thanked him before he left to check on one of his patients. She stayed with the babies for a little while and then meandered into the waiting room outside the oncology department.

She sat down, her entire body shaking with the repressed emotions she’d been holding inside. She knew that Hanna and Nate were right. She knew that she was pushing her feelings away, shelving them without dealing with them. But that’s only because she hadn’t found the right way to decompress.

She sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour, barely moving. She stared at the wall. She stared at the floor. She stared at her shoes, wondering how long it had been since she’d washed her feet. She couldn’t remember.

She couldn’t remember anything that didn’t have to do with Emily. She’d become completely consumed by the whole situation. She was treading water and barely getting air. She needed her mermaid to save her, but she knew she couldn’t ask that of her.

Still, Emily seemed to sense it. She seemed to know that Alison needed her. Even when Alison told her she was fine, Emily knew she was lying. She knew she was sinking, and she was _still_ trying to save her. She was hooked up to machines, barely alive, and she was still playing the hero.

She loved her heroic moron. She loved her so much that it hurt.

Her phone went off, startling her out of her trance. She looked at the caller ID in surprise.

“This is a change. Now _you’re_ calling me? Aww, you _do_ care.” Alison answered.

“Yes, well, when your best friend calls you and threatens some Romeo and Juliet level bullshit of suicide it tends to alert some concerns. How are you?” Cece asked.

“I…” Alison still hadn’t decided her feelings about the surgery. “I don’t really know. The neurosurgeon is going to perform the surgery in a few days.”

“That’s great!”

“It might kill her.”

“That is…less great.” Cece’s enthusiasm wavered.

“This yo-yoing is killing me. I’m losing it, Cece.” Alison tried not to cry. She lowered her head. “I’m losing it even though I have so many wonderful people around me. Hanna, of all people, helped me through a panic attack last week.”

“Hanna…Marin?” Cece was astonished. “The same Hanna Marin that called you a subservient monster in Miu Mius?”

“One in the same.” Alison laughed weakly. “She’s not so bad. You just have to get to know her. She’s been surprisingly helpful. Emily’s whole family has. And it’s nice to know they care. But sometimes…I just…I feel so alone. I feel like I need someone who _knows_ me. Someone…”

“Someone like me?” Cece questioned.

“I know you’re there for me, but it’s different. I wish I could do more than just talk to you. I wish I could see you…other than those crappy videochats…”

“How about in the flesh, my dear?” Cece asked.

“I can’t leave her to come traipsing all the way across Europe just to find you in some hostel brothel.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“Oh my God, you’re so dense, Ali.” Cece laughed. “Look up.”

“What?” Alison’s eyes drifted away from the floor. She saw a figure walking down the hall waving to her.

_No fucking way._

But seconds later she saw her in clear view. She dropped her phone in surprise. Cece looked like she always looked, tall sex in heels. Alison walked towards her.

Minutes later she had her arms wrapped around her best friend and she was crying in her embrace. Everything came pouring out of her. She felt all of her energy leave her body and she started sinking towards the floor. Cece pulled her towards a bench and sat down with her.

“Easy there, beauty queen. Wouldn’t want to ruin that mascara.” Cece pulled back.

Alison laughed through her tears.

“It’s waterproof.”

Cece wiped away one of her dirty tears.

“How you holding up, kid?”

“I fucking hate this,” Alison said.

“So about the same.” Cece nodded.

There was a pause. A strange beat. It almost didn’t feel real. Alison stared at her for a minute.

“What are you doing here?” Alison reached up and rubbed her face to wipe away her tears.

“Come on.” Cece gave her a slight smirk. “You are the only person in my life I give a shit about. I’d drop everything at a moment’s notice if you were in trouble. And…judging by our latest phone calls, you very much are.”

Alison nodded, not even trying to disagree.

“I still can’t believe you came all this way…”

“I know I talk big…act like this impenetrable fortress or whatever. But the truth is, I do care. And I care about _you_ ,” Cece said. “I should have come earlier. A good friend would have…”

“You’re here now.” Alison interrupted her. She looked at the older blonde. “I know this can’t be easy for you…being in a hospital after everything you’ve been through…”

“What? The whole cancer thing with my mom?” she asked. “That was a long time ago.”

It meant the world to her that Cece was sitting in a hospital hallway for her when she knew how much she hated them. Cece despised them as much as Emily did.

“Have you even been in a hospital since then?” Alison asked.

“Yeah, a couple of times. I spent some time in one about a month ago in Ireland.”

“What happened? You didn’t tell me you were in the hospital!” Alison glared disapprovingly.

“I wasn’t a patient.” Cece laughed. “I met this fiery redhead with an accent to _die_ for, so I pretended to do just that. _Die_. She was a doctor. I waited until I knew she was on call, went in with complaints of pelvic pain, and just waited for her exam. We spent some…time…in the on-call room.”

“That has got to be a violation on _so_ many accounts.”

“The only HIPAA they have there was her shuddering hip-as against my face.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Cece smiled.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Alison settled against the bench.

Her tension didn’t fade completely, but she felt less alone. Cece had always understood her on a level that no one else ever had, besides Emily. She didn’t even let her brother in half the time.

She’d always felt like she’d never be who her parents expected her to be. They’d groomed her from an early age to see emotions and failures as unacceptable. They’d made certain she would never be emotionally sound.

She spent most of her life being judged by her family. She never measured up. She was never good enough. She was never perfect enough. It built up callouses that no one could see. And a very select few were lucky enough to get beyond the barriers she’d built up.

She’d had her ups and downs with Cece, but the older girl had always been real with her. And it was because of her candor that she trusted her. She knew she could be herself around Cece, without judgment.

She opened up to her as they sat in the waiting room. She told her about the crippling depression she felt, the anxiety that flowed through her veins. She cried, _sobbed_ , in her arms. She soaked her shirt with tears and snot, but Cece didn’t say a word. She just let her cry it out.

After it was all said and done Alison sat up and cleared her throat. The pressure she felt was gone. The pain was still coursing through her, but it was bearable.

“You’ve been holding on to that for a while, huh?” Cece asked.

“I think it’s been building since she told me the night of our prom. I just refused to let it in.”

“Well, it’s all out…and on my shirt…now.” Cece looked down. “I think I’m going to go grab us a couple of waters. You have got to be dehydrated after that.”

She stood up.

“Try not to seduce any doctors along the way,” Alison said with a snarky smile.

“No promises.” Cece winked.

She walked over to the vending machine across the room. She pulled her credit card out and bought them each a bottle of water and then walked back over to where Alison was sitting. She handed her the water.

“Drink,” Cece ordered.

“So fucking bossy,” Alison uttered under her breath. But she listened to her friend.

“So…prom.” Cece took a sip of her water. “That must have been a hell of a night.” She had a smirk on her face.

“I am _not_ going to give you a play by play of our first time…”

“Okay, how about the last time? When was it? Was it here? Did you two get freaky in her hospital room?” She saw the look on Alison’s face and then shoved her with a laugh. “You horny little shit!” She exclaimed with a laugh.

“It wasn’t like _that_.”

“Like what?” Cece asked.

“ _Your_ sexcapades.” Alison pointed an accusatory finger at her. “It…with her it always…it means something.”

“Look at you catching feelings.” Cece snorted.

“It’s so…different than anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t just _want_ her. I _need_ her. And when she touches me…” She shuddered just thinking about it, “…when she kisses me…I can just feel it in my heart. I’m complete putty in her hands. And she knows it.”

“I never thought I’d see the day.” Cece marveled. “Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, _pussywhipped_.”

“Shut up.” Alison laughed.

They both paused to take another sip of water. Alison heard footsteps approaching and she turned around.

“Ali, hey, we’ve been looking for you…” Hanna stopped talking when she saw Cece sitting next to her.

She peered at her for a moment, as if she didn’t think she could really be there. Her face went from soft to rigid.

“Cece.” Hanna looked at the tall blonde with a look of utter disdain.

“Hanna.” Cece replied coolly.

“What fresh STD brings you here today?” Hanna asked.

“Who sharpened your tongue, Marin?” Cece laughed off her insult.

“Probably the same plastic surgeon who did your nose.” Hanna wasn’t intimidated. She faced Alison. “Em’s awake. I thought you’d want to know.”

“Are Aria and Spencer still around?” Alison asked.

“They went back to the hotel. They’re going to come back in a little while. I told them about your idea. They went to research it.”

“Thanks.” Alison smiled.

Hanna nodded and then looked at Cece again. They stared at one another, like two domineering wild cats ready to fight to the death. Hanna sized her up. Alison could tell she was trying to decide whether or not she wanted to hurl another zinger at Cece. After a few seconds, Hanna just gave Alison another little nod and then walked away.

“Okay.” Alison looked at her best friend. “I don’t know what the hell _that_ was, but I was definitely sensing some sexual tension. Did you two…”

“As if.” Cece snorted. “God no. She somehow got my number after the whole…Christmas kiss thing. Her stupid little hacker boyfriend probably stole phone records or something.” She rolled her eyes. “She called to ream me out. Apparently, even though Emily was cool with it…”

“She _wasn’t_ cool with it.” Alison disagreed, though Emily had definitely had a rational response. “She just understood.”

“Whatever. Hanna was very _not_ understanding. Said if I ever disrespected her best friend again that she’d cut me in my sleep. That bitch is nothing if not loyal.”

“No kidding. You better check your brake wires before you leave.”

Cece gripped Alison’s arm and laughed.

“Go see your girlfriend,” she said. “I won’t go anywhere. Not because I want to be here, but because I think you’re right about Hanna. She had those killer eyes.”

“You think I’m going to leave you unattended? Come on.” Alison stood up. “You’re coming with me.”

She pulled a begrudging Cece through the hallways of the hospital until they reached Emily’s room. She paused in the doorway, gesturing for Cece to stay put for a minute. She lightly rapped on Emily’s door as she opened it.

“I’m up.” Emily heard the noise.

She was alone, sitting up in her bed. She looked a little more alert than she had when Alison had last seen her.

“Ali, is that you?”

“How do you always know?” Alison smiled as she opened the door and walked in.

“I don’t. I just always hope it’s you.” Emily smiled back at her. She was always smiling, even when she felt like shit. “Hanna said you refused to leave the hospital.”

“She’s such a tattletale.” Alison mumbled. She walked over to the side of Emily’s bed and took her hand. “How are you?”

“Still a little fuzzy,” she said. “I didn’t mean to upset everyone…”

“Hey, how many times have I told you not to apologize?”

“I’m so good at it though.”

Alison chuckled softly. She massaged her knuckles.

“Are you feeling up for a new visitor?”

“Ohh, are we playing sexy nurse again?” Emily grinned suggestively.

Cece, impressed with the brunette’s stamina, snorted from outside the room. Emily heard her. Her cheeks immediately reddened.

“Oh, you meant…there really is someone there,” Emily said bashfully.

“I have someone I’d like for you to meet.” Alison waved Cece in. “It’s um…a little unconventional. But she came a really long way to be there for me…for us.” She corrected herself.

“In a _totally_ platonic way.” Cece added.

Emily had been out of it lately, but she was aware enough to register the reference. She knew there was only one person who would have Alison fumbling for words, and only one person Alison hadn’t been platonic with. It was the only person in Alison’s life she’d never met.

“So, you’re the infamous Cece Drake.” Emily nodded in realization.

“In the flesh.”

There was a period of silence. Then Emily cleared her throat.

“I owe you an ass whooping for kissing my girl.” Emily smiled weakly.

“Which time?”

“Cece.” Alison hissed.

“Kidding.” Cece laughed lightly. “So, she told you about Christmas, huh?” She looked at Alison. “Props for the honesty, blondie.” She looked at Emily again. “And sorry I moved in on your territory.”

“I am not a territory, bitch. I am an entire universe.” Alison snorted with a scoff.

“Ooh, you’ve got your hands full, Americano.” Cece laughed.

“Americano?” Emily asked.

“One of the first things she learned about you was your favorite coffee. I told her all about you…”

“ _Gushed_ about you is the more appropriate word.” Cece interjected.

Alison shot Cece a warning glance. She would not have Cece embarrass her in front of her girl.

“Aww, you gush about me to your friends?” Emily asked.

“All the damn time. It’s nice to finally meet the girl who tamed this stubborn brooding mare.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Emily said. “Still going to kick your ass.”

“And rightfully so.” Cece didn’t argue. “But…can I forfeit the fight? You’d clearly win. And I’d like to keep my dignity.”

“She’s funny.” Emily turned towards Alison.

“She’s a pain in the ass.” Alison uttered, glaring at Cece.

“Better than a pain in the head.” Emily looked on the bright side.

Cece’s smile faltered slightly. She knew how much Emily had been battling just by what Alison had told her. Actually hearing her bring it up was painful in a way Cece wasn’t used to. It brought back memories of her mother. She saw the determination in her eyes and the kindness in her smile. She saw the fierce stubbornness that was keeping her alive, but she also saw the soft kindness that Alison talked about. She could see why Alison was so tender with her. She watched the sharp edgy bitch she’d known for years completely fade and turn into a gentle bright soul next to the smiling girl in the hospital bed.

Emily had transformed Alison in a way that Cece didn’t recognize. And it was for the better. She always knew that Alison would have a shot at a normal life if the right person came along. She’d been able to discern that every time they were together. There was just a hint of vulnerability in Alison’s nature. She had always cared enough to ask her how she was doing. In her own Alison way, she cared about others, though she hadn’t always been great at showing it to people other than Cece and Jason.

She watched as Alison doted on Emily. And she watched as Emily told her to stop hovering. They bickered like they’d been together for years. But they also clearly would do anything for each other.

In fact, when Emily mentioned to Alison she had a bit of an appetite Alison quickly volunteered to go get her something to eat. Cece started to go with her, but Emily told her it was fine if she wanted to stay.

The room was awkward and quiet for a few minutes after Alison rushed off. Cece looked around the room and then her eyes slowly landed back on Emily.

“You’re not really going to kick my ass, are you?” Cece asked with a quiet laugh.

“I might throw a bedpan at your head.” Emily replied with a smile.

“You’re quick.” Cece nodded, impressed. “I like that about you.”

“The truth is, I’m not really hungry. I just wanted a few minutes alone with you.”

“Oh, I’m flattered, Americano.” Cece grinned. “But Alison would slice my throat open with her heel if she found us in bed together…”

“You couldn’t handle me.” Emily bit back. “Listen Cece, you and I are long overdue for a conversation.”

“You need to know that me kissing Alison wasn’t anything personal. And nothing would have come of it. But regardless, I’m sorry for kissing your girl. I was trying to prove a point.”

“Really?” Emily asked curiously. “Most people know how to communicate without shoving their tongue down someone else’s girlfriend’s throat.”

Her tone wasn’t bitchy, but there was enough edge in it to let Cece know she was serious about Alison. And that was a good thing. She wouldn’t stand for anyone less than true love for her best friend.

“She was telling the truth about pushing me away,” Cece replied calmly. “I’m honestly surprised she didn’t slap the shit out of me.”

“You knew we were together. So why did you do it?”

“Alison doesn’t learn in the most traditional sense.” Cece explained. “With her, you really have to get her attention. You can’t just talk to her. She only understands big gestures.”

“Not with me,” Emily said, almost smugly. In fact, her relationship with Alison was defined by the smaller more intimate moments they had together.

“You and I both know Alison has got some baggage…”

“Tread very carefully here.” Emily warned her.

“I’m not bad-mouthing her,” Cece said. She took a step back. She was actually afraid of her. She was afraid of the sick dying blind girl. “What I mean is that her insecurities have a way of closing so many doors before she has a chance to go through them. And when it comes to love…she was so lost.”

Cece remembered how terrified Alison had been in the beginning, but she wasn’t afraid of Emily. She was afraid of her own feelings. She had watched Alison go through some hardships, but nothing had cracked her like love.

“For Alison, the only kind of love she’s ever known was through manipulation. You know about her parents. You know what kind of people they are. And hell, Jason was so stoned that he couldn’t see that his little sister was shutting down. He was there in the big moments. He was there when her dad basically slammed her into a table. He was there when she was scared of the monsters in her closet. And he was there when she needed someone to protect her. But she didn’t have anyone there for her to show her what a healthy kind of love was. She never had anyone _love_ her the way you do. And that scared the hell out of her.”

Emily let Cece’s words sink in. She knew everything Cece was telling her was true. And she valued her honest opinion.

“When she met you she went on and on about everything she loved about you. She was so confused about her feelings. But not because she didn’t care about you. Because she didn’t think she was good enough for you. She’s always been very…healthy…” She tried to choose her words carefully, “…when it comes to loving herself. But that narcissism came from a place of needing to be loved, so she created the love she had for herself.”

And Cece knew she’d had a hand in that. She’d been the same way. The two of them together had fed the worst parts of each other.

“She didn’t know how to share love. Not until you came into her life. But by then she’d spent so much time building herself up that she didn’t know how to let anyone else in. She wasn’t sure about her feelings because she didn’t believe that she _deserved_ to be loved. She didn’t think she was capable of it. I needed to show her. I needed her to see that even though we’ve fooled around in the past it wasn’t the same. I needed her to feel the difference between everything she’s ever known, and what she feels when she’s with you. So I kissed her. And then I told her to stop being a dumbass. And that was it. That’s all it was. I wanted her to see that she _deserves_ you, that she _deserves_ your love. Because despite our differences, I do care about her. She’s my friend.” She paused to think something over. “Really, she’s my _only_ friend. Because I don’t really _do_ friends. But I care about that bitchy little shit.”

Emily laughed and let out a quiet breath.

“Thank you,” Emily replied.

Cece looked at her in confusion. That was the last response she’d expected. But Alison had warned her that Emily was unpredictable.

“I appreciate your honesty,” Emily continued. “I know you care about her. And that’s another reason I wanted to talk to you. I need to ask you something. It’s…a little unorthodox.”

“Sweetie, I’m the queen of unorthodox.” Cece laughed.

“Alison has been through a lot. This cancer isn’t just eating away at me. It’s eating away at every single person I love. I know I’m the one dying here, but it’s _killing_ her. And I need to know, that no matter what the outcome of this surgery…I need to know that there will be someone who will pick her up when she falls. Hanna has been doing what she can, but Alison doesn’t let people in the way she lets me and you in. So I’m asking you…will you please take care of my girlfriend? For me?”

Cece was at a loss for words.

“Of course.” Cece stuttered out. What else was she going to say to someone lying in a hospital bed? No?

“Just…don’t make a move on her unless I’ve been dead at least a year.” Emily added a stipulation.

They both laughed, but it faded fairly quickly.

“We’re not…it’s not like that with us. Not anymore. I don’t think it ever was, to be honest. She knows it. I know it. We’re toxic together like that. And that’s beside the point anyway. Because I see the way she is with you. I see her heart in a way I’ve never seen it before. And I can honestly say that I don’t think there is going to be _anyone_ after you.”

Emily smiled weakly.

“I used to think that, too. After I lost my first girlfriend. But then Alison came along. Love sneaks up on us when we least expect it.”

“Sweetheart, I’ve seen love,” Cece said. “This isn’t just love. You two are destiny.”

She watched a wave of emotions roll over Emily. Clearly the girl knew what she was saying was true. And it pained her to think about it. Because she knew how much it would devastate Alison if the surgery didn’t work.

“I’ll take care of her, Emily. You have my word.”

“Thank you.”

Minutes later Alison came shuffling back in the room.

“I didn’t know which flavor of pudding to get, so I got them all.” She was carrying a tray of six different kinds of pudding.

“Maybe we can play a taste testing game.” Emily lifted her brows.

Cece caught a glimpse of Alison blushing. She smirked. Clearly that meant more than just _actually_ taste testing.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Cece glanced at Alison.

“You’re leaving?”

“Just to grab a hotel room. I’ll still be in town.” She looked at Emily.

Emily nodded slightly, a motion that Alison didn’t catch. She had no idea that her girlfriend and best friend had made a pact.

“I’ll walk you out.” Alison put the tray with the pudding down. She put her hand on top of Emily’s. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Take your time.” Emily shrugged.

Alison walked Cece out. They walked towards the elevator. Alison waited until they were out of earshot of Emily’s room. Then she faced Cece.

“Jason texted me,” she said. “You didn’t tell me he called you.”

“He was worried,” Cece said, reaching for the elevator button. “He didn’t know how else to reach you. He knew I’d be able to drag it out of you.”

“Well, I’d appreciate it if in the future you didn’t conspire with my big brother to play some warped form of group therapy.”

“It was your girlfriend’s idea. She’s the one who mentioned it to Jason.”

Alison didn’t have a snappy comeback for that. Emily loved her so much that she brought Cece halfway across the world for her. Her _girlfriend_ brought the girl she’d essentially cheated on her with into their lives. For Alison.

The elevator dinged. The doors slowly opened.

“I get it,” Cece said.

“Get what?”

“I get why you gave her your heart. Hell, I only spent five minutes with her and I’m in love with her.”

“Don’t you even think about it.” Alison warned her.

Cece smiled at her as she stepped on the elevator.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got my fill of hot women here.” She watched a nurse down the hallway. “She is _definitely_ on our team.” She looked at Alison. “What do you call a deaf gynecologist?”

“What?”

“A lip reader.”

“Goodbye, Cece.”

“Ta, my love.” She waved as the elevator doors closed.

Alison rolled her eyes. Cece was so _extra_ sometimes. But she loved her anyway. She quickly made her way back to Emily’s room. Emily had moved out of the bed to the chair next to it. She was nibbling on some of the butterscotch pudding.

“Cece find her way out okay?” Emily asked.

“I’m more interested with how she found her way _in_. You asked my brother to call her?” Alison sat down in the chair next to Emily. She was irritated with her, but she still wanted to be close to her.

“I’m not the only one who needs a support system.” Emily laid her arm against Alison’s. “You know you can talk to me about how you’re feeling.”

“Emily, you have to stop focusing on me…”

“Why? Because I’m sick?” Emily scoffed. “I don’t care how many drugs they put me on or how many surgeries they do. I will never stop taking care of you.” She linked her fingers into Alison’s fingers. “I love you, Alison. I knew the second I met you that I’d just as soon die rather than let anything happen to you.” Emily insisted. “That’s just the way love works. It’s not just jumping in front of a bullet for someone. It’s being okay with the scars it leaves. And I’m here to tell you right now that through everything I’ve ever been through, nothing hurts me…or scares me more…than not knowing if you’re okay. All the cancer in the world can’t equate to knowing the amount of pain that you’re in. I know you’re holding back. And now I know just how much…”

“What did Cece say to you?” Alison asked defensively.

“She didn’t have to tell me anything, Ali. I can _feel_ it.” Emily squeezed Alison’s hand. “I can feel it in the way that you shake. I can hear it in the way you talk. I can…I can taste your tears when we kiss.” That made Alison want to weep. “You are sinking faster than I can pull you up. And I refuse to let you keep drowning.”

Alison wasn’t sure how to respond. She knew Emily wouldn’t give up. She would fight until her last breath. Alison closed her eyes and took several deep calming breaths. Her mind drifted back to the first time they’d gone to the kissing rock together. Emily had jumped off of the cliff with no hesitation. In a sense, she was doing the same thing here. She was jumping in, knowing what was at the bottom, knowing it was a scary drop…but she was doing it anyway.

“Do you remember jumping off of that cliff at the kissing rock?”

“Could you be more specific? I go to lots of kissing rocks with lots of pretty girls and jump off of lots of cliffs.” Emily smiled at her.

Alison couldn’t help but laugh.

“Shut up.” She playfully shoved her.

“I remember.” Emily nodded, giving her a gentle kiss on her temple. “I remember you being scared to death.”

“I was.” Alison admitted. “I never admitted it. But I really was. It took my breath away to think that I’d never see you again.” She leaned her head against Emily’s shoulder. “How do you just jump in like that?”

“Because in life your options are either to fall or jump. And I always choose to jump. You have more control when you do. But at the same time you’re letting go of control, and you’re letting fate happen. You’re _choosing_ to let fate happen.” An oxymoron. “It’s what happened the day I met you. Sometimes you just have to slow down and let life happen. It’s funny, we spend our whole lives looking towards the future. We don’t realize that our present is someone else’s future. And our future is someone else’s present. We’re all experiencing time as this construct, but it’s not.”

“You’re so incredible.” Alison kissed her bare shoulder. “The way you look at things really amazes me.”

“For a blind chick I see quite a bit.” Emily had a cheeky look on her face, and for a second…one split second she didn’t look like a girl in the hospital. She looked like the Emily that Alison had met in the park.

“And you open the eyes of those around you. You force people to see things that they’ve never seen before. I know you made my world view different. You made me see beauty that was never there before.” Alison kissed her knuckles.

“It was always there. You just needed to open your eyes.” Emily smiled at the motion of Alison’s lips against her fingers. “People forget sometimes that being able to see isn’t the same thing as living. We see things on the surface. But to really look beyond just the essential things, to go beyond the surface, we have to close our eyes and open our hearts.”

She stretched her fingers out, moving her hand away from Alison’s lips to touch her face. She felt her on a level that no amount of looking would ever do.

“It’s not my eyes that tell me you’re in pain.” She kept her hand against Alison’s cheek. “I can feel you swimming in your grief.”

“I’ll stay afloat. I’ll stay afloat for you. I promise.”

“You don’t have to. Because right now I’m here. I’m here. You can let go.”

Alison choked back a cry and nodded. She buried her face into Emily’s chest and heaved out a sigh. She had no tears left to cry. She’d left them all over Cece. But she did have a tremendous amount of pain, so much that she couldn’t see straight. Emily could feel her shaking. She reached up and delicately ran her fingers across the back of Alison’s head to try and soothe her.

That’s what their days and nights leading up to the surgery became. They let one another in. They held one another without false pretenses. Alison finally dropped her guard. She started to let Emily back in. She also found solace in a surprise she was putting together for Emily.

The surgeons came by the day before the surgery. Doctor Sullivan introduced herself. She was a tall shorthaired brunette with a solid determined personality. Emily imagined she hadn’t gotten where she was in her career without that wily stubborn nature. She introduced them to her associate, Doctor Yvonne Phillips, who was the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist who would be helping piece Emily’s internal nasal cartilage back together. They went over the risks of the procedure, which Emily already knew about. She signed all the waivers and they went to file the paperwork.

Pam got too emotional to stay in the room, so Wayne took her out to the serenity garden with Ace. It gave Alison and Emily a little time to themselves. Emily made room in the bed for Alison. The blonde moved her body to fit the shape of Emily’s body perfectly. She reached across her lap and took Emily’s free hand. The motion was filled with a quiet intimacy. Neither one of them spoke for several minutes. Alison nervously played with Emily’s fingers.

“Em?” Alison asked, looking up at her.

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure about the surgery?”

“I’m not sure about anything.” Emily replied. “Except how I feel about you.”

She started to take in a breath, but felt a shooting pain in her head. It passed. She struggled with her pain levels sometimes, yet despite what was going on in her body, she had a very strong outward appearance. She pulled in a heavy breath, which hurt her chest. Ever since she’d started losing weight sometimes she’d have problems with her lungs feeling like they were over-inflating.

Emily pressed her lips together, her face in a mask of stoicism. Alison glanced at the loud beeping machines monitoring her. It put her on edge. Emily wouldn’t always admit when she was in pain, but the monitors measuring her vital signs didn’t lie. Alison curled her fingers into Emily’s palm and dropped her quivering voice to a whisper.

“I’m scared.” Alison whimpered.

She hated admitting it. Their entire relationship, Emily had been the strong one. Alison didn’t like showing her weaknesses to her, but she couldn’t hide her fears and vulnerabilities.

“I know.” Emily’s voice was shaking. “I am, too.”

“What if you’re not you after?” Alison asked.

She knew one of the risks of brain surgery was memory problems. A lot of people went under the knife as one person and came out someone else entirely.

“I’ve always been me.” Emily assured her.

“I’ll love you either way. The important thing is that you’re alive. I’m just afraid you won’t make it…or…or if you do that you won’t remember me. That…that you won’t love me anymore.”

“If I’m breathing, I’m loving you. Never doubt my feelings for you.” Emily moved Alison’s hand towards her chest. “Feel that?” She asked, letting Alison feel her pulse. “It beats because of you, Ali.”

“Yeah, but what if you don’t remember that?” Alison peered up at Emily. “I’m scared you’ll forget me.”

“Something tells me that if that happens you’ll remind me of who you are _very_ quickly. You are Alison DiLaurentis. One of a kind…”

“Unforgettable?” Alison asked hopefully.

“Most definitely. You have made a lasting impression, Alison Lauren.”

Alison snorted when she heard Emily call her by her first and middle name. She never did that.

“You sound like my mom.”

“We have a rule about mentioning our moms in bed, don’t we?” Emily gave her a hard time.

“We do indeed, Emily Catherine.”

There was a pause and then Emily laughed.

“You’re right. It’s weird.” Emily’s nose crinkled.

Alison found her irresistibly adorable when she made faces. And she knew that Emily knew it. Alison moved up to kiss her lightly on the lips. When she pulled away Emily was smiling.

“We’ve had a memorable senior year, don’t you think?” Emily rubbed Alison’s forearm.

Alison wanted to tell her that was a stupid question because, yes, she’d met the girl of her dreams, and kissed her at the kissing rock. They had danced around their feelings until it drove them both crazy. She’d chased after her in an airport. They had been hiking and ice skating. She’d gone on a cruise with her, was crowned prom queen with her, made love to her, and was madly in love with her. It would be etched into her memory for the rest of her life.

“I just wish that we could be at the beach. I’m sorry we never made it to the French Riviera.” Emily sighed.

Alison smiled to herself. Emily was in for quite the surprise. She knew the girls were putting some finishing touches on something Emily would never forget.

Two hours later, Alison told Emily she was taking her on a trip, but wouldn’t tell her where. Aria came by with a wheelchair and they helped Emily into it. Emily poked Alison and asked her “are we there yet?” as they pushed her down the hallway to the elevator.

She had no idea what to expect. She was just along for the ride. Alison took her to the rooftop, where she had set up a French Riviera style beachfront for the two of them to enjoy in the sun. Spencer and Hanna were smoothing out the blankets they’d brought out to sit next to the sand that had been hauled out and formed into a sandbar with the hospital’s permission. Emily’s doctors made the specific request that the sand be clean so that it wouldn’t compromise Emily’s health since she was immunocompromised. Alison had gone out of her way to find a hardware store that sold sterilized beach sand.

They wheeled her out next to the sand. Emily could hear the sounds of the crashing shore courtesy of a sound machine that Alison had set up. She could smell the saltwater because a fountain that Alison had rented. She had set up speakers with surround sound to play a playlist of Emily’s favorite songs that she’d had a professional ukulele player record. She had spared no expense. Emily was worth every penny.

“The beach is all yours. We chased out the nudists.” Hanna quipped playfully.

“We’ll be right inside if you need anything,” Aria said.

They started to walk off. Alison leaned over Emily’s wheelchair and put her hands against the socks on Emily’s feet.

“I think you’ll want your feet bare for the full experience.”

“Ali, what did you do?” Emily slowly stood up, Alison holding her arm to help steady her.

“You couldn’t go to the French Riviera, so I brought the French Riviera to you.” Alison helped her take a step forward.

Emily’s toes hit the sand. She took a moment to marvel at it. It felt soft, warm, and feathery. Her feet slid into it like it was butter. Alison helped her keep her balance as they walked over to the blankets in the shade of a large umbrella. They sat down next to each other, listening to the soft sounds of the ukulele music and the wave machine.

“What do you think?” Alison asked, cozying up next to her.

“I think you topped my promposal is what I think.”

“Not even close.” Alison disagreed. “You hijacked a whole cruise. And you had a skywriter and a whole band.” She glanced at their little rooftop setting. “This is the best I could do on short notice…”

“It’s perfect.” Emily interrupted her. She reached over in search of her face.

Her palm landed on Alison’s neck and she leaned over to capture her lips. There was a lot more force behind her embrace than Alison was expecting. When Emily pulled away she had her hands against Alison’s face. She lowered her forehead to meet Alison’s.

“You’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me.” Emily smiled with tears in her eyes.

Alison felt her cheeks get hot. She moved her chin up until their lips met again. She moved one of her palms gently down Emily’s hip and laid her other hand against the side of Emily’s neck.

“You are my light in the darkness. Your eyes…” Alison moved her palm up against Emily’s cheek and rubbed her thumb underneath Emily’s right eye, “I can see the world in your eyes.”

Emily could feel Alison’s pain.

“I’m sorry, Ali.” Emily bit her bottom lip.

“Don’t.” Alison quickly cut her off. “I wouldn’t have changed one second, Emily.” She whispered. “Just tell me what you need.” She ran her fingers along Emily’s hip and against her outer thigh.

Emily moved forward to kiss Alison again. Her entire body ached, but she didn’t hurt when Alison touched her. In fact, it was the only thing that soothed her pain.

“I want you. Just you,” Emily whispered. “I don’t want to be at the hospital. I don’t want to be dying. Make me forget. Please.”

So she did. Alison gently laid her down. She caressed her, loved every inch of her frail body. She kissed her. She touched her. She loved her in the way she’d always wanted to love her. She was slow. Gentle. She cherished her. She felt her body shudder in pleasure, the warm sand beneath the blanket that they were lying on.

She watched Emily dig her toes into the sand as she peaked. She felt Emily’s hands clutching her arms as she whispered her name like a beautiful chant. She watched as Emily left the pain behind and got lost in the moment’s pleasure. She watched every moment. She savored it.

And when it was over, she held her. When Emily’s body relaxed she slowly brought her down from her high. She cradled her face and kissed her lips, slowly, sensually, helping her forget her pain.

Emily reached up and palmed Alison’s cheek, her fingers massaging her soft blonde hair. Her other hand trailed down to Alison’s hip. She hooked her fingers inside the hem of Alison’s pants and slowly moved towards her front. Emily wanted to reciprocate what Alison had done for her, but Alison could tell she was exhausted. So when Emily pushed up to try and roll them over, only to have to stop and catch her breath Alison moved one of her hands down to the nape of Emily’s neck and kissed her forehead.

“I just want to hold you, Em.” Alison pressed her lips against her warm moist skin. “Let me hold you.”

Alison rolled off to the side and Emily automatically followed, her cheek finding Alison’s collar bone. Alison wrapped her arms around Emily’s body. They laid in the sun bathing in the afterglow for a few minutes and then Emily moved up to put her lips against Alison’s.

They got lost in the fervent kiss for several seconds. Alison could tell she was out of breath, so she pulled away. Emily reached up, her palm finding Alison’s cheek. Alison smiled when she felt Emily’s warm hand against her skin.

“Thank you,” Emily said quietly.

“For what?” Alison questioned in confusion.

“For everything.”

“Everything we’ve experienced has been because of you, sweetie. You’re the one that pushed me to jump in.”

“I want you to keep doing that. Keep jumping in. In case I…” She licked her lips nervously. She cleared her throat, “I want you to promise me that you will live for me. For everyone who doesn’t get to.”

She could remember Maya making her promise the same thing. It had given her the courage to dive into uncharted waters. She wanted that for Alison. She didn’t have it in her heart to make it her last request. She couldn’t stomach saying the words “if I die”.

“We’ll do it together after your surgery.” Alison traced her jaw.

“Please, Alison. Please promise me.”

Alison couldn’t deny her girl. She nodded.

“Okay.” She cried. “I promise.”

“And I want you to know…you were _always_ good enough for me. You’re worthy of love. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world. You are _my_ princess. You always will be. No matter what happens, remember that. And…and if I forget just remind me.”

“You won’t forget.” Alison held her close. “I won’t let you.”

Emily smiled and kissed her again. She linked their fingers together and they laid in silence just enjoying the sounds of the ocean. After a while Alison noticed that Emily was drifting off to sleep. Alison touched her arm, tracing her fingers along the curve of her elbow.

“We should get you back to your room. You need your rest. Big day tomorrow.”

Emily agreed. They sat up. Alison had every intention of helping Emily up, but Emily got to her feet first and offered her hand to help Alison stand. They stood on their little beach for a few seconds.

Emily slid her hands down Alison’s forearms until her palms were touching Alison’s and her fingers were laced with Alison’s. She moved their arms out and brought their joined hands up and pressed her chest against Alison’s, her lips automatically finding Alison’s lips. Alison pressed her body against Emily’s. She felt her toes on her right foot curling up and she picked her leg up, bending her knee, moving further against Emily.

She lowered her foot and pulled back. Emily had her arm around the small of Alison’s back, holding their pelvises together. Alison didn’t say anything. She just looked into Emily’s smooth chocolate irises. Emily was slowly swaying with the melody of the ukulele music. She recognized their song. _Stay_.

“How about a dance before we go?” Emily started moving her feet and pulling Alison with her.

Alison immediately fell into following her lead. Emily held her close as they moved to the slow rhythm of the song. Emily smiled. She could smell Alison’s body wash. She could feel the warm sand between her toes. She could taste the salt in the air. She felt like they’d made it to their destination in France. When the music cut out Alison moved in for another kiss. Emily’s lips moved against hers.

“I love you,” Emily said quietly against her mouth.

“I love you, too.”

Emily dropped her arm away from Alison’s back, but their bodies stayed connected. Emily felt an odd sensation prickling against her skin. Her ears started buzzing and her head started pounding. She suddenly felt shooting pains stabbing down her neck and arms. Her lips were shaking against Alison’s.

“Emily?” Alison felt her body tense up.

When she moved back to give her some room Emily fell backwards. Alison lunged forward and grabbed her, trying to hold her body weight so she wouldn’t hit the ground too hard. Fortunately, her head fell against the sand. Her arm knocked over the saltwater set-up next to the fountain. The water flowed down against her wrist and down her elbow. At first Alison thought it was a seizure, but Emily’s body wasn’t convulsing. She was just lying there in a daze.

Alison leaned over her.

“Baby, what’s going on? Is it a seizure? Do...do you feel a seizure coming on?” She cupped her cheek.

Emily’s eyes were glazing over with a strange expression of bewilderment. Her thoughts were muddled, but she sensed that Alison was afraid. She reached up without saying anything and touched her face.

Alison didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the warm stream of water rushing down her face. A tear fell against Emily’s cheek.

“Is it raining?” Emily frowned, unaware that it was a tear from Alison’s eye.

Her face scrunched up in what seemed like confusion, but Alison recognized it as pain.

“Hey, what is it? What’s wrong, Em?”

“Nothing. I…” Her face tightened in thought. She listened to the sounds of the wave machine. She could smell the saltwater. Her face relaxed and she smiled. “I can feel the ocean.” Her head slowly moved from one side to the other, like she was surrounded by the beach. “Can you feel it, too?”

Her eyelids slowly closed.

“It’s beautiful.” She huffed out a breath and her body went slack.

“Emily.” Alison gently tried to shake her, careful not to get too rough with her. “Hey, no. You can’t…” She choked. “You’re supposed to have surgery tomorrow. You can’t do this now.”

It took a few seconds for her brain to kick on.

“Help!” Alison shouted as she spun back towards the door. She turned and leaned over Emily’s body again and softened her tone. Alison stroked her cheek. “Emily, can you hear me?”

She saw Emily’s fingers twitch, and at first she was terrified she was about to have a seizure. But then she realized Emily was trying to reach out to her in her unconsciousness. Alison cradled her cheek with one hand and then grabbed her hand with her other. She turned around and shouted for help again.

The door flew open. It was Amy, Emily’s nurse. She’d heard Alison’s plea when she was tending to a patient who had his window cracked.

“She passed out.” Alison glanced up at the nurse. “Maybe she got too hot. I tried to keep her out of the sun…”

Amy rushed next to her side and checked Emily’s pulse. She lifted Emily’s eyelids and checked her pupils. She sprang into action and less than two minutes later an entire team of people was getting Emily loaded on a gurney. Alison stayed with her as they sped through the hallways with her. They were on their way through the oncology department going towards the surgical suite when Alison ran into Hanna. She saw Emily unconscious and her eyes widened.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know.” Alison was breathing so fast she was nearly hyperventilating. “She just passed out. Where are her parents?”

“They went with Spencer, Aria, Ezra, and Toby to get something to eat,” Hanna said. “Hey, take a breath, Alison. You’re turning white. I’m going to call her mom…”

“Emmy?” They heard Lily’s voice. Seconds later she toddled out of her room.

Hanna was the first person to turn and block the little girl’s view. She knew Emily wouldn’t want Lily to see her like this.

“Hey, Lil, come here…” Hanna kneeled down in front of her.

She scooped her up in her arms as they wheeled Emily down the hallway. The little girl squirmed in Hanna’s arms, catching a glimpse of Emily on the gurney. Several broken cries squeaked out as Lily called her name.

“Emmy! _Emmy_!” She buried her face into Hanna’s coiled blonde locks and started to cry.

“Hey, shhh.” Hanna rubbed her back. “It’s okay. She’s going to be okay, Lily.”

The toddler muttered out a sad cry that sounded like, _“I want my Emmy”_ and then she sobbed into Hanna’s shoulder.

“Go.” Hanna motioned for Alison to follow Emily. “I’ll call her parents.”

Hanna walked back into Lily’s room with the screaming toddler.

Alison ran down the hallway after the doctors and nurses. They stopped her when they reached the surgical suite.

“This is as far as you can go.” Nate gently put his hand against Alison’s arm.

“Why? What’s happening? Is she dying? If she’s dying I…I need to be with her.” Her eyes burned with tears.

“Both of her pupils are blown. It’s likely that she has a ruptured blood vessel. We have to do a CT to confirm. Then we have to stabilize her. Doctor Sullivan and Doctor Phillips are still here. We’re going to do everything we can…”

“I don’t give a shit what her living will or whatever says. If her heart stops beating you get it started again. Don’t give up on her.” Alison begged.

He gave her a sympathetic look. She knew there were no promises in medicine, but she also knew that the expression he had on his face was a quiet agreement, a solidarity between just the two of them.

Moments later she was alone in the hallway. She stood outside the double doors for almost twenty minutes, not knowing where else to go or what else to do. She’d been pacing the floor the whole time. It was only when she stopped walking that she remembered Hanna and Lily. And she knew Emily would want her to make sure Lily was okay.

She was halfway back to the oncology department when she ran into Hanna.

“How is she?” Hanna questioned.

“They said something about a ruptured blood vessel. I don’t know anything else.” Alison peered down the hallway in shock. She slowly faced Hanna again. “Did you get in touch with her mom and dad?”

“Yeah, they’re on their way.”

“How is Lily?”

“The nurses got her settled, but she’s really upset. She won’t talk to anyone.”

“God, that poor baby.” Alison shook her head. “I can’t imagine the nightmares she has from being in this place. And to see Emily like that…”

“She’s stronger than you think.” Hanna tried to make Alison feel better. “You know, we all come into this world the same, but our experiences are vastly different. Some babies have it easy and some of them have to fight…they struggle from the moment they are born. But that doesn’t change the fact that once we’re here we all need the same thing to survive. We all start out vulnerable. Defenseless. We depend on the people around us to give us what we need. To provide strength when we need it.” Hanna stared off down the hallway. “And Emily was around Lily _a lot_. I see Emily’s strength in her every time I’m with her. She’ll be okay.”

Alison nodded slowly, her brain a jumbled mess of thoughts.

“Will we?” Alison asked. “Be okay? Will…will I?”

Hanna didn’t answer her. Instead, she grabbed Alison’s arm.

“Come on. We shouldn’t stand out here. It’s not going to change anything. We should get back to the waiting area. Nate will find us when they have an update.”

Alison followed Hanna’s lead. When they got back to the waiting area they saw that Emily’s parents had arrived. Toby was bringing Pam some water. Spencer was holding a crying Aria. Wayne and Ezra were mid-conversation about something, though Alison knew at this point it wasn’t who his favorite Batman was.

Alison sat down, her emotions numb. Hanna sat beside her. Seconds later Aria and Spencer joined them. Aria put her hand on top of Alison’s.

Alison barely noticed their presence. She knew they were there and that’s all that mattered. She stared at the clock absentmindedly.

It was exactly two hours and twelve minutes before Nate came out to talk to them. Alison stumbled to her feet and stood with Emily’s parents, staring at Nate hopefully. It was hard to read his face. He still had his surgical scrubs and scrub top on. A white mask hung from his left ear.

“She’s stable. The tumor was pressing against a vein, restricting blood flow to her brain.”

“It wasn’t an aneurysm was it?” Wayne questioned in concern.

“We caught it before it got to that point. But it is still a problem. Her blood vessels are starting to weaken. Doctor Sullivan believes that it’s in her best interest to go ahead and perform the transnasal endoscopic surgery. Emily has already signed all of the forms and waivers.”

“Is she strong enough for the surgery?” Pam’s voice was strained.

She reached up and clutched her arms against her chest, rubbing her palms against her biceps. She clearly was feeling the same mixture of shock and fear that Alison felt.

 _We were supposed to have more time._ Alison thought to herself.

She had planned to spend the night with her and reminisce about their favorite memories. They were going to plan their future. They were supposed to be holding each other tonight. This wasn’t supposed to be happening yet.

“If we don’t take the shot we have now it’s just going to happen again. She’s already at high risk for complications. We don’t know how her brain was affected yet. But if we don’t go ahead with the surgery we could lose what little chance she has.”

“I just…I don’t understand.” Pam lowered her head and pressed the tips of her fingers against her forehead like she was fighting a terrible migraine. “I don’t understand how this happened.”

Alison’s sight started to get blurry from her tears. Watching Emily’s mom crumble was hard. Pam and Wayne had both been very strong in the face of everything their family was going through. Alison hadn’t seen either one of them lose it…up until now. Pam had a helpless pained look in her eyes. There was no mistaking the expression on her face. It was a primal maternal pain that only a mother could have.

“We did everything right. This…this shouldn’t have happened.” Pam choked on her words.

“Pammy…” Wayne put his arm around her.

She shook her head and tried to pull out of his grasp in a sheer desperate attempt to push away anything that would remind her that her daughter was dying, even though they’d known it for years.

“I have to get back.” Nate clenched his jaw. Alison could tell he was having trouble holding it together, too.

Alison kept waiting for her breakdown. She kept waiting for her body to give out. Or to lunge past Nate and make a beeline towards the operating room. Or to scream and yell that the doctors better fix it. But all she felt was a steely cold wave that chilled her from the inside. She was completely shut down. Because it was the only way to keep the pain out.

She watched Nate walking away. She heard an agonizing noise come out of Pam’s mouth. Wayne moved to walk with her to try and take her somewhere more private, but Alison and the others could hear her blubbering cries. She kept saying, _“She’s my baby”_ over and over again. She looked up at Wayne through her tears and told him she wasn’t ready for this.

Alison watched Emily’s terrified parents and she willed herself to feel _something_ , but she couldn’t. She sat down without saying a word. She was aware that her friends were talking to her, but she didn’t respond. She didn’t react at all. She was completely catatonic.

After two hours of her not responding Spencer called Cece. But not even her best friend coming up to sit with her eased her tension. Cece took control, telling the others to give her space. They backed off and gave Alison room to breathe. She did everything she could think of to try and bring her out of it.

“This doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road,” Cece said quietly.

Alison just stared blankly at her. Cece didn’t know that it probably _was_ the end for Emily. Cece hadn’t been at the hospital every day for almost ten weeks. The doctors certainly weren’t optimistic. The only reason they were doing the surgery was because she would definitely die without medical intervention.

“Come on, Alison, you can’t disappear into yourself. You’re Alison DiLaurentis. You don’t run from _anything_.”

Alison still didn’t react. So Cece just sat with her, hoping that was enough. After a while, she turned to the heartbroken girl and sighed.

“I don’t know what to do here. Tell me what you need me to do.”

“Mind if I take a stab at it?” A voice from behind them asked.

Cece turned around and saw Emily’s father. He was a handsome man. Tall. Emily looked a lot like him.

“Is your wife okay?” Cece asked.

She’d only run into Emily’s parents once since she’d been in town. She’d taken specific care not to step on their toes. She didn’t know how much Emily’s mom and dad knew about her history with Alison. The last thing she wanted to do was cause a problem.

“My nephew is with her right now,” Wayne said. Toby was tending to Pam like she was his own mother. “I wanted to check on Lego Batman here.”

Cece wasn’t sure what that meant, but she nodded and stood up to let Wayne take a seat next to Alison. Cece walked across the waiting room and peered out the window, giving the two of them space.

After hours of no response, it was Wayne who finally got through to her. All he had to do was sit down next to her and say,

“C’mere, kid.” He embraced her in a hug and she fell apart. She started sobbing.

“You should be with your family,” she cried.

He didn’t skip a beat as he replied,

“I am.” He knew that his daughter would want him to take care of her.

His response made her cry harder.

She held him and cried and told him she was so sorry that she was crying. He did exactly what Emily would have done. He quieted her down and then calmed her down.

When she was finally coherent she excused herself, letting Wayne know that he could go back and be with his wife.

She aimlessly wandered the hallways until she ended up in Lily’s room. The little girl was facing away from the door, but when she heard Alison approaching she rolled over. Her eyes were glassy from her tears.

Alison walked over and sat down next to her bed. Lily’s little lip trembled as she looked up at Alison and uttered the first words she’d said since she’d seen Emily being rushed to surgery.

“I want Emmy.”

“I know,” Alison moved her palm to Lily’s cheek and wiped away a tear. “Me too.”

Lily sat up in her bed and moved to crawl into Alison’s lap. Alison didn’t stop her. The toddler buried her face into Alison’s body and cried so hard that she got the hiccups. Alison soothed her, singing to her the way Emily would have. She rubbed her back until she fell asleep.

That’s where Hanna found her three hours later when she went to give her the news.

“Wow,” Hanna said quietly. “You got further than anyone else. She threw a sippy cup at the nurse’s head earlier.”

Alison looked over and saw her in the doorway. Hanna motioned for her to come out in the hallway. Alison gently moved Lily to her bed without waking her. She pulled the covers up over the little girl and took a moment to appreciate the look of quiet serenity on her face. Then she quickly paced out of the room.

“She’s out of surgery. The doctors are coming to talk to us.”

Alison nodded and followed Hanna towards the waiting room. Pam and Wayne were standing at the door anxiously. Alison and Hanna joined them.

Doctor Sullivan walked in with Nate by her side. They both looked weary. Alison had the presence of mind to look at the clock. They’d been in surgery for almost six hours.

Doctor Sullivan apologized for not updating them sooner, but explained that they hadn’t been fully prepared for the surgery yet, so it had taken longer to get everything ready and actually perform the procedure.

“Doctor St. Germain informed me that he explained our reasoning for wanting to perform the surgery today, as well as the risks your daughter was facing.” She glanced at Emily’s parents. “We were able to resect the tumor, but as you very well know the risk of complications were high. The blood flow to her brain was a problem when we first started the surgery. And because of the complexity of the procedure there was some swelling. Because of the bleeding and the swelling we’ve placed her in a medically induced coma. We tend to grade patient outcomes in these cases on a scale of the severity of the bleeding. About 65 percent of patients do have severe side effects, but we won’t know the extent of the lasting effects until we bring her out of it. Now, she’s young, so we’ve graded her at a three, especially given that the coma is medically induced…”

“What…what does that mean?” Alison’s voice was shaking.

“We won’t know whether or not her brain activity is going to return to normal until we back her off of the sedation. But we don’t want to risk it right now because of the high risk of her having cluster seizures and other dangerous post-operative complications. There is a chance that her brain function won’t resume back to its normal state, and I’ve been informed that if that’s the case there is a living will that will need to be visited…”

Pam let out a guttural groan and fell into Wayne. She couldn’t stand the thought of having to pull her baby off of life support.

“When…when will we know something?” Wayne forced himself to ask.

“Hopefully within 48 hours. We’re going to keep her in the ICU tonight and we plan on very slowly trying to wean her off of the sedation tomorrow.”

“Can we see her?” Alison asked.

“Unfortunately, the protocol for post-surgical care in her case doesn’t allow for visitors. Not until after we’ve started the process of lowering her medication to see how she’ll respond.”

Alison didn’t hear anything after that. The only words that were flashing through her mind were words she didn’t want to think about.

_Brain dead. No visitors. Living Will._

Was the last time they’d been together _really_ the last time? She zoned out while Doctor Sullivan finished briefing them. The news did not go over well with any of them. Hanna was sitting in a chair crying so hard that she couldn’t breathe.

Pam had to be admitted to the hospital and sedated because she was so hysterical. Wayne told Alison she could stay in the room with them, but she felt like she was intruding, so she went out to the waiting room.

She refused to leave the hospital. She curled up in the waiting room and cried herself to sleep. A few hours later Nate came to get her. He moved her to a cot in his office. He knew Emily would never forgive him if he didn’t look out for her girlfriend.

Alison stayed in his office, tossing and turning. Nate checked on her periodically throughout the night.

She woke up around four in the morning. When she sat up and rubbed her eyes she noticed something on the end table next to the sleeper sofa.

Nate’s keycard for the ICU. She didn’t know he’d left it for her like he’d done for Emily three years ago. He knew exactly what she’d do when she found it. Alison leaped to her feet and grabbed the keycard. She peered around outside the door and then slowly made her way to the ICU. She swiped the card and slipped through the side door. It took her a while to get to Emily’s room. She had to sneak through the hallway while peeking into each room. She finally found a whiteboard with patient names and she found Emily’s name and corresponding room number.

When she got to Emily’s room she looked inside to make sure there wasn’t anyone in the room with her. The room was dark except for the lights on the monitor measuring Emily’s vital signs. There was a small light in the corner of the room, casting a shadow across her face, though it was hard to see through all the tubes and wires.

Alison slowly walked towards her bed. When she got closer she saw a brace over the bridge of her nose. There was bruising near her eye sockets and all along the side of her nose. Alison wanted to kiss her so badly, but she couldn’t without moving some of the tubing. She watched as the machine next to her bed pumped air into her, making a hissing sound each time it moved.

She took her girlfriend’s hand and held it, stroking her knuckles like she’d done so many times since they’d started their journey. She wasn’t sure what to say at first. It made her reminisce about the day they’d met at the park. She hadn’t known what to say to her then either.

“I’m not supposed to be here,” she said quietly. She reached up and pressed her fingers against Emily’s cheek. “But I had to see you.” She bit her lip to keep from crying. “Em, I need you to listen to me. Can you hear me, sweetie?”

Alison squeezed her hand. She was hoping for some kind of miracle, like all the stupid romance movies she’d seen would have people believe existed. She waited for Emily to respond by moving her fingers. But Emily didn’t move, at least not without the help of the machines.

“You already know that I love you. I know I don’t have to tell you that. But I need you to know…you’re the only person in my whole life who has ever believed in me. I am who I am because of you. You made me a better woman. You…you make my world bright. You just…you make the world better.” She felt her throat constricting. “I know it’s selfish of me, but I want more time.” She paused to try and collect her emotions. “Emily…please, I _need_ you.” Alison choked. “I need you to guide me. Because I don’t know who I’d be without you. So please be okay. Please…come back to me. Baby… _please_.”

* * *

 **A/N:** _Best friend called me a sadist for this one. She wasn’t lying. So much pain in one chapter. Does it help that they got a little mini Paris vacation? No? How much do you hate me? I know it was a lot. Alison’s panic, Emily’s talk with Cece, Wayne comforting both Pam and Alison, and that little Lily/Alison scene. At least we got some Cece/Hanna banter (good old Sherpa Hanna). I have been looking forward to posting that for a LONG time. Everyone take a deep breath. And yes, pitchforks are allowed._


	33. Dark Days

* * *

**Chapter 33:**

**Dark Days**

It was early. The crisp morning air was damp with humidity. Streetlights lined the winding paved path in the darkness. The sun would be up soon. Alison could see the morning dew starting to glisten on the grass and the trees. The air smelled different. Then again, she was so used to the smell of rubbing alcohol and bleach that her nose registered anything that didn’t have a strong cleanser to it as different.

She’d spent so much time in the hospital that she’d forgotten what fresh air smelled like. Not that the smog of the city smelled like a breezy summer day in Rosewood, but it still smelled better than stale ammonia.

Alison walked off of the path and into the grass. She peered at a bench, staring at it with a longing gaze. It had been over a year since she’d seen Emily sitting on a bench just like it back in Rosewood. The way the sun had hit her just right that day made her look like an angel. And now…

She shook her head and walked past the bench, yearning for the days she had with Emily back in Rosewood. It made her heart ache. Those memories were more than precious to her now. They were the only thing keeping her from completely going over the ledge. She obsessively thought about Emily’s smile. Her laugh. Her touch.

Emily would rip into her for walking around in the dark without someone to watch her back, but Alison was so exhausted that she didn’t care.

She looked down and saw that her shoes were starting to get damp from the mist on the grass. The lawn was well-cared for, groomed and manicured to perfection. It was strange for a graveyard. Then again, she hadn’t really spent a lot of time in them. She’d gone to a couple of Halloween bashes where the graveyards were made to look spooky, but the reality was that they didn’t look like the horror-infused weed-infested terrors the way the movies portrayed them. She weaved through the headstones. She remembered the way.

When she got to the headstone she was looking for she stopped. She stared in silence for several minutes. It felt so insanely morbid. And crazy. Then again, she’d lost her mind a while ago.

Alison looked around in the dim light. She could see shadows of headstones everywhere. It sent a shiver up her spine. She felt like she wasn’t alone. There were people in the ground beneath the beloved messages. But they weren’t really people anymore. Just vessels that used to carry a light.

Being around so much pain and suffering had really given her a lot of time to think about the way things worked. It had given her pause and challenged her beliefs about the afterlife.

She’d been to church a couple of times with her parents when she was growing up. It was all for show. They’d go thank Christ or whoever on holidays, but the second they got home her mother would disappear to drown in ‘the blood of the Lord’ until she was so drunk that she passed out on the sofa. And her father would scream at her and then put his fist through a wall.

How had she survived such a fucked up childhood? Especially without even realizing how fucked up it was at the time?

Alison peered at the headstone. The rosebud in partial bloom was a particularly haunting concept. It was a reminder that a life had been cut short before it had the chance to flourish. She touched the flower.

“I don’t believe in God,” she said. “I never have. I’ve never been able to grasp the concept of some invisible sky fairy being the almighty.” She chewed on her lip. “Religion is stupid.” She thought about how people fought wars over it and shook her head. “It’s just stupid. So I’m not going to stand here and pray to some tall tales that parents tell their kids to keep them in line. Because I don’t believe in all that stuff.” She paused. “But…I believe in you.”

She looked at Maya’s name. It still felt so weird to see her birthday and date of death and realize just how young she truly was when she died. And to know that she lived out most of her life in hospitals was hard to fathom. It made her want to cry. For Maya. For Lily. For Emily. For everyone who had faced hardships and illnesses.

Emily’s life had been one punch after another, but she was the strongest fucking person Alison had ever met.

“Emily believed in you. Emily loved you. And I know you loved her, too.” Alison felt her trickling tears dampening her cheeks. “I came here because I love her, too. And I’m begging you…please, _please_ don’t take her away from me. If you…if anyone can hear me, please don’t take Emily away. She’s all I have. She’s supposed to be my always.”

She reached up and brushed her fingertips against her cheek, swiping at a few of her tears.

“I was greedy in assuming we’d have more time, and I…I’m sorry if I didn’t appreciate her enough…if I…if I didn’t love her enough.” She took a shaky breath. “I love her with everything I have…every fiber of my being. I promise I’ll never take her for granted if you just…please let her live. I just…I want to see her again.” Alison cried. “I want her to see me.”

She moved her hand to her cheek to wipe away more tears.

“We…we’re not supposed to be done yet. We just started living. I don’t care how long it takes. I just want her back.”

She reached up and pressed her thumb and index finger against the bridge of her nose. She looked at the surrounding headstones. She didn’t really remember walking out to the graveyard. She wasn’t sure what had spawned her to leave the hospital. It’s not like she had anywhere to go after she’d left the ICU.

“I’m tired. I’m so tired,” she admitted. “But I’m not going to give up on her. Not now. I can’t.”

She lowered her head and tried to concentrate on her breathing so she wouldn’t hyperventilate.

“She’s the only person in my life who ever saw someone worth loving in me. She’s so important…so special. And I know I don’t have to tell you that. You know that. You saw it in her, too.”

She paused and blinked until her vision was clear.

“That’s why I’m here. Emily…she said that she always comes to talk to you when she’s here. And I know without a doubt that when Emily talks, people listen. So, I’m hoping…I’m _really_ hoping that you’re listening. That if there is some higher plane of existence or whatever…and she’s there in that weird in-between…that you’ll tell her this for me. Because I’m not just here for me. I’m here because Emily deserves it.”

She thought of all the wonderful things Emily did that contributed to the world. It was definitely a better place with her in it.

“I promise that if she comes back to me I will give her more than the world. I’ll give her the _universe_. Because she deserves it. And the universe deserves her.”

She tried to take a breath through her nose, but it was stopped up from all of the crying. She looked around the graveyard. She knew she needed to get back to the hospital, though there was nothing to do there but wait. Her eyes stopped on the bench again.

“I don’t think she’s done showing me how to love. She has so much more to give.” She paused and frowned. “I’m sorry. Does that make me selfish? That I want her to be here just for me? I…I didn’t mean it like that. Sometimes I don’t say things the right way. I just meant that…I’m pretty sure that there is no one like her…anywhere. She’s taught me so much. She taught me how to open my eyes.”

Her eyes were still stuck on the bench. She thought about how different she’d been the day they first met. She’d just been looking for another notch in her bedpost. But the second she saw Emily something inside of her came to light. And everything she’d ever believed about life had been flipped on its head. What she thought had been a physical need, the primal urge of intimacy, was actually something blooming inside of her heart…and not her loins. She’d heard about love at first sight, but she didn’t believe in it. She thought it was stupid and that it didn’t exist. She hadn’t understood the reality of what having feelings for another person truly meant until she met Emily.

“She’s the one who is blind, but I was the one who couldn’t see. Not until she showed me.” She looked at Maya’s grave again. “I want you to know what a wonderful beautiful human being she is. And I want to thank you…for loving her. For helping make her who she is. And for taking care of her…” She drifted off. “I know when that trial came up she tried to refuse it. And I know you wouldn’t let her. And she lived because of that. I got my girlfriend because of you. And I know that’s weird considering she was your girlfriend, too.”

But…fuck, they were beyond weird at this point. She was standing in front of Emily’s dead ex-girlfriend’s grave confessing her love for Emily and begging for her life.

“There will never be anything I can say that can explain the extent of my gratitude. Just know that she is more loved than she could ever possibly know. And I promise to take care of her, to cherish her, forever. And I will make sure she lives, _really_ lives…for you. That’s what you wanted for her, right?” She sighed. “It’s what I want for her, too. I just want her to get that chance. She deserves to live.”

Alison looked out over the horizon. The sun would be coming up soon. But she felt like she was never going to make it out of the darkness she felt inside. She glanced at Maya’s grave one last time and then she turned to walk away.

As she got closer to the paved path she saw a shadow looming. It was eerie. She paused in her stride. She had to blink a few times to see if it was really there.

All she could think about were all the horror movies where the dumb blondes kept walking towards the danger instead of running away. But all she _felt_ was her heart telling her that she might as well end it if there was no hope for Emily. Because she didn’t want to live in a world without her. As she stood there contemplating what to do, the shadow took a step towards her.

“You shouldn’t be out here.” Cece stepped into the glow of a streetlamp. “Not alone, at least.”

“Jesus Christ, Cece, you almost gave me a heart attack.” Alison breathed a sigh of relief as she took a step towards her. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Trying to make sure my best friend doesn’t become another murder statistic. Pretty young girl out for a stroll in the dark usually tends to end in kidnapping or death.”

Alison looked around the graveyard and thought about the irony of some serial killer or murderer lurking in the shadows and killing people where death came to rest.

“It would be the perfect crime. Killing someone and then burying them in a graveyard. It would throw the cadaver dogs off.”

“You have got to stop watching murder documentaries.” Cece shook her head. She looked around. She rubbed her bare arms. “You didn’t at least think to bring the dog?”

“Ace is with Emily’s parents.” She continued to stare into the distance. “Besides, he wouldn’t be much help in the face of an attacker. He’s trained to have a mild temperament.”

“I meant Hanna, but okay.” Cece shrugged.

“Hanna would definitely bite an attacker.”

“You should have called someone. You should have called _me_. Seriously. It’s not safe to be out in the dark alone.”

“Have you been following me?”

“Duh. You think I popped back into town just for the traffic and air pollution? I’ve been tailing you since I got here.” Cece picked at her manicure.

“That’s a little excessive.” Alison frowned.

“Ali, you threatened to jump off of the hospital’s roof.”

“ _Psh_.” She scoffed. “ _One_ time.”

“It’s not something I take lightly.” Cece softened her tone. “I’ve learned to listen to people when they say certain things. I read between the lines. I might not be very good at effectively communicating, but I am a _great_ listener. People say a lot more with their emotions than they do with their words.”

Alison nodded.

“Like when Ben threatened to assault Emily.” She wasn’t sure why that’s the first thing that came to mind.

“What?” Cece asked.

“The night before he tried to rape her he basically threatened her. But I was so caught up in my own feelings…of my own appearance and being embarrassed by looking weak in front of the school that I didn’t even catch it.”

“You and a dozen other people.” Cece pointed out. “The way I remember you telling it, you weren’t the only person in that locker room. Everyone just assumed he was being Ben…that he was being a dick.”

Alison frowned as her forehead creased in thought.

“I’ve never been able to protect her. It was all an illusion. She was dying this whole time and I was too blind to see it.”

“Hey, you got to her in time.” Cece reminded her. She reached out and touched her shoulder. “Ali, what happened that day has nothing to do with what’s happening now. You couldn’t have stopped this. You know that, right?”

“Maybe if I had gotten there sooner I could have stopped him before he smashed her head into the locker and stirred all of this up.”

“That’s not how it works.” Cece didn’t want Alison blaming herself. “In fact, as fucked up as it is it may have actually saved her life. Didn’t the doctors in the ER find this before it could progress?”

“She’s still suffering…”

“Babe…”

“What good am I?” Alison lifted her head, sharply meeting Cece’s gaze. “What good am I if I can’t even keep my own girlfriend safe?”

“Alison…” She gently said. She knew the younger blonde was exhausted. And fighting so many feelings.

“I feel so fucking helpless.” Alison admitted. “She’s dying and I’m out here in a stupid fucking graveyard acting like someone can actually hear my prayers…that someone actually gives a shit.” She shook her head. “To hell with that. No one ever gave a flying fuck about me before. Why would it be any different now?” She whipped her head up to look at the sky. “Fuck you!” She yelled at the top of her lungs. “You hear me? FUCK YOU!”

Cece moved to put her arm around Alison to lead her out of the grass.

“Come on, love.”

“Don’t.” Alison pulled away. It pained her to hear Cece call her pet names, though she’d done it for years. But lately, everything had been agitating her. “Just don’t. It hurts too much. It hurts too much to love someone.”

Alison peered back at Maya’s grave in the distance. From what she knew, the girl had leaped in fearlessly with no regrets. Emily had done the same. How did they do it? How did they love one another knowing what they knew?

She could recall some of the things that Emily had told her about Maya. And one thing Emily had mentioned was that Maya had wanted someone to take care of her loved ones when she was gone. She knew that she’d asked Emily to do that. And Emily was no different. Emily would want to make sure Alison was cared for. It was the reason Cece was standing in front of her.

“She asked you to take care of me, didn’t she?” She looked at Cece again. “Emily asked you to take care of me.”

It was just like Emily to worry about someone else on her deathbed.

“She didn’t have to ask me to do anything.” Cece shrugged. “It’s what friends do.”

Alison nodded slowly, not really registering Cece’s words.

“I saw her,” Alison said, fighting hard against breaking down completely.

Cece gave her a worried look.

“Like…in a dream? Or…”

“In the ICU.”

“What? How?”

“Nate left his keycard in his office.” She took a moment to think about it. “I think he meant for me to find it. I think…I think he knew what it meant to me to see her.” Her face grimaced in pain. “I don’t know what I was expecting. I thought…I thought maybe…because she believes in the impossible…I thought maybe some kind of miracle. But…” She shook her head. “She wasn’t there, Cece. I mean…her body was there. But…I didn’t feel her, and I can _always_ feel her.”

“Ali…”

“She’s going to die,” Alison said, point blank, no emotion in her tone. She dipped her head down and tried not to cry. “The love of my life is going to die.”

“We don’t know that…”

“Stop. The false hope is worse than her actually dying. I can’t do hope. I don’t have it in me.”

“Emily wouldn’t want you to give up hope. That girl loves you like the sky loves the moon. And she’s not dead yet.” Cece wrapped her arms around Alison and held her. “You hear me? She’s not gone.”

Alison moved her arms up and hugged Cece back, burying her face into her shoulder. She didn’t cry. She was too tired to shed any more tears.

They walked back to the hospital together.

The first thing Alison did was check on Pam. She knew Emily would be worried about her mother. Truth be told, Alison was worried about her. She’d never seen anyone so despondent.

Wayne was asleep in the hospital chair next to her bed with Ace snoozing at his feet. But Pam was awake. She was sitting up in her bed. She was staring at the TV screen, but it wasn’t even turned on.

Alison was tender on her feet as she tried to decide whether or not to walk into the room. She shuffled as she wavered back and forth between the door. Finally, she threw caution to the wind and walked towards her. She stopped when she reached the side of the bed.

Pam was in a daze, still drugged up. There was a blank look in her eyes. Alison couldn’t tell if it was grief or the sedatives. She looked how Alison felt inside. Seeing Pam break down had been hard.

It took a few seconds for Pam to register Alison’s presence. She looked at her, but Alison felt like she was looking through her. Alison wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hi, I…um…I didn’t want to bother you, but I wanted to see how you were doing.” Alison said, her voice strained with nerves. “Do…do you need anything?”

She felt stupid the second she asked it, because the only thing Pam wanted was for her little girl to be okay. And Alison couldn’t give that to her.

Pam finally blinked, and then moved and faced her to acknowledge her. Something about seeing the young vulnerable girl next to her drew her out of her drug-induced haze. Her first instinct was to reach out and take Alison’s shaking hand and comfort her.

“You’re very sweet to offer. But no,” she replied with a weak smile. “I’m so sorry you had to see me like this.”

Alison was surprised to hear her apologizing, though it shouldn’t have shocked her. Emily was the same way. Constantly apologizing for things that weren’t her fault. Now Alison knew where she got it from.

“No, it’s okay.” Though the raw image of Pam collapsing on to the floor and wallowing in despair and screaming wasn’t something Alison was going to forget any time soon. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I’m sorry this is happening to your family.”

It was hard enough for Alison to come to terms with what was happening to Emily. It had to be unfathomable for her parents. They were both in pain, but it was a different kind of pain. The impending loss of a loved one hit everyone in a different way. It was a different kind of loss for lovers and spouses than it was for parents. Parents losing children was unfair…and unnatural. Alison flinched, remembering Cece’s words to her.

_“She’s not gone.”_

She wasn’t. Not yet.

Pam saw the expression on her face.

“Have you been here all night?” Pam questioned in concern.

“I…I couldn’t force myself to go back to the hotel.” _…so I went to a graveyard instead to talk to dead people…_

Pam reached up with her other hand to cup Alison’s hand in between hers.

“Sweetheart, Emily wouldn’t want you to sit here torturing yourself. You should go get some rest.”

Alison’s lip quivered. She couldn’t stand the thought of walking out of the hospital doors only to get a call that something happened while she wasn’t here.

“I can’t.” Her voice trembled.

Pam saw her pain, and she did what any decent mother would do…she moved to comfort her. She reached up and laid her thumb against Alison’s cheek and swiped away a tear with her thumb. Everything about the motion reminded her of Emily. The kindness. The warmness. The way she emitted her emotions through her hands. It was almost too much. Alison felt herself cracking.

“I’m so scared.” Alison huffed out.

She wanted to kick herself for breaking down in front of someone who’d had a psychiatric break hours ago. But Pam maintained her composure. Alison realized that Emily hadn’t gotten her strength just from Wayne. Pam had a strong tenacity as well.

“Of course you are, dear. You love her.”

It was such a simple response. But it was enough to touch Alison’s heart.

“She’s so easy to love,” Alison replied without thinking.

“She is.” Pam nodded with a smile. “She was such a good baby. She never gave us any trouble. Even when she got a little older and started talking and sassing us, she was always such a sweet child. She never really got into much trouble or threw tantrums. And her hugs…” Pam closed her eyes and thought about all the times her baby girl had wrapped her arms around her and told her she loved her, “…she would just come up and hug us for no reason. She was always my sweet strong little baby.”

Pam looked over at Wayne, who was snoring in the chair across the room. Then she sighed and looked at Alison again.

“I wasn’t always the best mother,” Pam said quietly. “I was…less than thrilled when Emily came out to us. The way I was raised…and my generation…we had a…” She tried to choose the right words, “…different way of looking at things. I got so caught up in those old traditional values and beliefs that I made her feel so uncomfortable that she didn’t feel she could be honest with us. I pushed her away. And that was…” She got choked up. “I regret that. I always will. And it was worse for her, I think. Because after Maya died she felt so alone and she internalized her feelings. It wasn’t until she came home from the school for the blind that she told us.” She had a pensive look on her face. “Looking back, we should have known. The way she was with Maya…we were blind not to see it.”

“Emily is really good at hiding things.” Alison tried to make her feel better.

Pam puffed a breath out through her nose and laughed sadly.

“My child…” She drifted off. “Toby always said she’d make a killing in Vegas. That poker face.” She agreed. “Something changed in her when she told us. I knew it was because she had gotten it off of her chest and she could finally be herself. We watched her blossom and her heart just…grow.” She smiled. “And then she met you and I saw her in a way I had never seen her before. She never stopped smiling. In all her years, I have never seen her happier than she is when she’s with you.” She gripped Alison’s hand again. “My daughter gave you her heart. And you’ve protected it every step of the way. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to love her.”

Alison had tears in her eyes again, but for the first time in a long time they weren’t tears of sorrow. They were tears of joy. Of appreciation. She didn’t just have Emily in her life. She had Emily’s family.

“You’re a good mom, Mrs. Fields,” she said. “I…I wish I had been as lucky as Emily was.”

“Her father and I are the lucky ones.” Pam disagreed. “And sweetie, we’ve been through enough together that you can call me Pam.”

Alison nodded. She thanked her for giving her the pep talk she needed. She very rarely got them from her own parents. The last one she could remember getting was when she was eight and in a pageant. Her mother had told her she was more beautiful than all of the other girls combined. Then she’d gone on about the prize money. It was refreshing to have an adult in her life actually care.

Wayne stirred in the hospital chair. Ace sat up and Wayne opened his eyes. He saw Alison by Pam’s side and sat up and he moved over to join them. He quietly took Pam’s hand and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

“How you doing?”

“I’ve had better nights.” Pam gave him a soft pained smile.

“You just hang in there, mama bear. I’m going to take Ace out for a walk. Then I’m going to see if I can find someone to get us an update on our girl. You ladies need anything?”

Pam shook her head. He faced Alison.

“Alison?”

“No, thanks. I’m going to go see Lily. Would you mind coming to get me if there is any news?”

“Of course.” Wayne nodded.

Alison gave Pam an appreciative look and then walked back into the waiting room where Cece was waiting. She thanked Cece and told her to go back to the hotel and that she’d call her if she needed her.

Cece had simply replied, “Bitch, you better.”

Alison made her way to the juvenile oncology department. It wasn’t technically visiting hours, but since the staff knew her they didn’t say anything.

She expected Lily to be asleep, but she heard the little girl quietly singing to herself. It was a self-soothing habit she’d picked up over the years. Emily sang to her all the time. And Nate and Wren would sing to her, too.

“Hey, Lil,” Alison said quietly.

Lily rolled over. In her arms she had a teddy bear that had been tailor-made for her by Emily, with Hanna’s help. Hanna had given it to Lily before she’d gone to bed and Lily hadn’t let go of it since. She clutched the stuffed animal and nuzzled her face against it.

She looked at Alison, but she didn’t say anything. Her eyes were puffy from all of the crying she’d been doing. Her cheeks were a rosy shade of red that concerned Alison. She looked up at the monitor and saw that her temperature was normal and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Can I come sit with you for a little while?” Alison asked.

Lily nodded. Alison walked over and sat down next to her.

“I like your bear.” Alison smiled.

“It’s my Emmy Bear.” Lily replied, hugging the toy.

When she pushed in on the heart on the bear’s chest, Emily’s voice cut through the room.

_“I love you, munchkin.”_

Alison stiffened in her chair. Hearing her voice was both jarring and soothing at the same time. She’d known about the bears that Emily had made. Emily had gotten the idea from her Christmas present. Alison knew she’d made bears for a bunch of people with Hanna’s help. She hadn’t been able to stomach getting hers from Hanna.

“Is Emmy going to get better?” Lily asked quietly.

Alison reached out and rubbed her arm.

“I hope so.” She felt a lump in her throat so big she thought she was going to choke on it.

“She always kissed my boo-boos to make me feel better. Can we kiss her boo-boos and make her better?”

Alison had kissed more than Emily’s boo-boos, and it did seem to help with Emily’s emotional pain. But this was beyond her control. But how did she explain that to a three-year-old? And who was she to squash her hope?

“Maybe if we close our eyes and wish _really_ hard she’ll feel better.” Alison suggested.

Lily squeezed her eyes shut as tight as she could. After about a minute she opened them back up and looked at Alison.

“I wished and hoped all my wishes away. Is she better yet?”

“It may take some time.” Alison tried to reassure her.

“Okay,” Lily said sadly.

She clearly wasn’t happy that it wasn’t instantaneous. Alison wasn’t happy that it didn’t work either. Lily squeezed her bear again and they were listening to Emily singing sweetly. Alison smiled through her tears when she realized that Emily was singing the same song Lily was humming when she’d walked in. At the very end of the song there was a pause, and then they heard,

_“Be good, little lovebug.”_

Lily sighed and held the stuffed animal tighter. Alison felt like crawling in the bed with her and squeezing her as hard as she was squeezing her bear. Instead, she fell asleep in the chair next to Lily’s bed.

It had been days since she’d slept, so she crashed hard. She didn’t even wake up when the nurse came in to check on Lily, who was also asleep.

When she woke up, it was daylight outside. Lily was still in her bed clutching her bear. She had her thumb in her mouth, which is something Alison hadn’t ever seen her do.

“Morning, sleeping beauty. You hungry?” Alison whispered.

Lily shook her head.

“Thirsty?”

She shook her head again. Lily yawned and rolled over. Alison pulled her phone out of her pocket to see if she had any missed calls or texts. She had several from Cece and Spencer checking on her and a really sweet message from Aria telling her to hang in there. There was no news about Emily.

“Hey, Lily, you hang tight, okay? I’m going to run out for a little bit.”

“Okay,” came her subdued reply.

Alison went by Pam’s room and found it empty. She felt her stomach curling in on itself. Surely Wayne would have come to get her if something had happened. He said he would. She quickly found a nurse, who found Wren to give her an update.

There had been no change, so naturally there was no news one way or another. But Alison feared that it was bad news. She was sure that no change in the status quo was bad.

Wren told her that they had just started to back her off of her sedation, so there wouldn’t be any change for a while.

Being on life support was nothing like TV shows and movies depicted. It was a lot more chaotic than she’d seen in fiction. There was a lot of machinery involved, and a lot more drugs.

The first 24 hours had not been kind to Emily. When they’d lowered her sedation she’d immediately had a seizure because the swelling in her brain had yet to come down. They had to put her completely back on the sedative and move her to a more intensely monitored unit of the hospital, the critical care unit. It scared the shit out of Alison because all she heard was that she’d gone from “intensive” care to “critical” care, and those two words were not synonymous.

Once they got her stable, the waiting game began. They had to wait on the swelling to go down before they could determine whether or not she had any brain function. They wouldn’t know how her neurological activity would be functioning until they tried to wake her up.

Something Nate had explained before the surgery was that sometimes when someone was put on a ventilator, they had trouble getting them off of it, because their body got so used to letting the machines do the work.

Emily’s friends and family took turns sitting with her during the day, but they weren’t allowed to stay with her overnight. Alison felt more anxious outside of her hospital room than she was when she was sitting with her.

She felt out of control when she wasn’t with her. It was the fear of the unknown…fear of not knowing what exactly was happening, even though she knew that nothing was happening…because Emily was drugged up.

Once the cranial swelling started to come down the doctors tried to lower her sedation again. It was a slow tedious process that drove Alison insane. Every day they gave Emily a little bit less of the sedative to try and slowly wean her off of the vent.

It took nearly a week to safely pull her off of the sedatives. She didn’t have any other seizures, but she wasn’t responding either. They’d successfully gotten her off of the anesthetics, but she still couldn’t breathe on her own.

The doctors didn’t say much about her prognosis, because she’d yet to wake up. They’d done tests to monitor the function of her brain and the tests were inconclusive. The doctors always said the same thing.

_“Time.”_

Only time was going to tell them whether or not she would live.

Alison wasn’t sure which was worse: not having answers or getting answers she didn’t want. She sat with Emily all the time. She told her what was going on with their friends…how they were getting ready for college, and how they couldn’t wait for the two of them to join them.

She talked to her about her plan for college. She’d heard back from all the universities she’d applied to, but she couldn’t decide, because she still didn’t know what she wanted to major in. She planned to take her core classes and figure it out there, just like they’d talked about before Emily had gotten sick.

She’d been thinking about fashion or design. But after having spent so much time around hospitals she thought maybe she’d do something like becoming a biologist or someone who researched medical problems. Because had it not been for the doctors, she knew she would have lost Emily long before now.

Over the next several days Alison talked to her all the time, hoping that she could hear the sound of her voice. She read to her. A lot of Dickens. She read her passages from _Great Expectations_ , hoping to jog her memory and remind her that Pip got Estella in the end.

“ _I took her hand in mine_.” Alison peered at the page of the tattered book she’d read obsessively since she was twelve, “ _…and we went out of the ruined place; and, as the morning mists had risen long ago when I left the forge…_ ” She glanced at Emily, and reached out to stroke her arm, “ _…so the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her._ ”

She stared at the words on the page. They were jumping out at her like a love story coming to life. She envied Estella. Because even though Estella was cold, narcissistic, and vain she still got a dream ending. She was lucky enough to have someone as kind and determined and ambitious as Pip to love her. Alison could make the argument that Estella really hadn’t changed all that much by the end. Estella didn’t know sacrifice. Love was sacrifice. But even though Alison was angry that Estella got her happy end, while her own future with Emily hung in the balance, the story still struck her.

“That ending still gets me.” Alison put the book down on a small table next to her chair. She reached out to take Emily’s hand. “If it can happen in fiction it can happen in real life.”

It’s something she’d been telling herself for weeks. She wasn’t ready to face the possibility of life without Emily. She would never be ready for that. Because over the course of the past year Emily had _become_ her life. She never knew that love could consume someone’s very being.

Her phone flashed from the end table, next to where she’d put the book down. She kept it on silent when she was with Emily. She didn’t want the loud noises to trigger any negative responses. She maintained that Emily could hear everything that was going on around her.

It was Wayne, so Alison answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alison. How’s my baby girl?”

“We just read a little bit of _Great Expectations_.” She curled her fingers into Emily’s palm.

“Dickens. A classic,” Wayne replied. “It’s so sweet that you read to her. I know she loves it.”

“She’s a good listener.”

“Always has been.” Wayne agreed. “I’ll let you get back to your reading. I just wanted to let you know that Pam and I will be there in half an hour to take over. Give you a little relief and a chance to go get something for lunch. And before you tell me you’re not hungry, you should know that I’ve instructed Toby to drag you to one of our favorite Thai places just outside the city. And don’t worry about the bill. It’s on us.”

“You really don’t have to…”

“Enough of that _don’t have to_ nonsense. You sound like Emily.” Wayne cut her off. “We’ll see you when we get there.”

“Yes, sir.”

After she hung up she questioned herself.

_Did I just say ‘yes, sir’ to my girlfriend’s dad?_

When had she become afraid that Wayne would chase her off of his porch with a shotgun?

“Oh my God, Em, your dad is turning me into a military brat.” Alison put the phone down.

The room was quiet for several minutes. Sometimes the silence caused an aching pain she couldn’t relieve. She wanted to hear Emily’s voice…to see her smile.

Alison rubbed her arm and reached out to trace her jaw with her fingers.

“I really fucking miss you,” she said quietly. “Is it weird that sometimes I picture what you’d be saying back to me when I talk to you?”

More silence. More unbearable agonizing silence.

“Babe, you’ve got to start trying here. The doctors are talking about your living will.” It made her nauseated just to think about it. “Nate is trying to lobby for you. He wants to give it a little more time. But you have to start responding. Just…give us _something_. A sign. A sign that you’re not done yet.”

The only response she got was the whirring machinery breathing for Emily. Alison sighed.

“Tell you what…” She reached for her phone again. She opened her music app and searched until she found a playlist of Emily’s favorite songs. She stopped on Eric Clapton’s _Wonderful Tonight._ It had been the song they danced to the night before they’d made the trip to Baltimore. “Maybe if you can’t come to me, I should try and come to you. What do you think?”

She pressed play and the slow guitar riff and the drum beat of the song started playing. About twenty seconds into the music a raspy voice started singing.

“This song always makes me feel like the night of our prom. It was one of the songs they played before they had the coronation ceremony. Remember?”

All the high school bullshit felt petty and pointless to her now. It had meant so much to her at the time, but her priorities had been askew. She had been looking to take the world by storm with her beautiful and perfect girlfriend. She’d been so focused on their looks and their stature that she’d completely missed all of the signs of Emily’s illness.

“I remember thinking that I was living the song. Because you really did look so wonderful in your dress.” She smiled. “You always look wonderful. But that night you were just…shining. I think about it all the time. When we were dancing I was thinking about how gorgeous our wedding would be. Sunset on the beach. Just our friends and family. Me in my Vera Wang. And you in something perfect I know Hanna would pick out. I know that all eyes would be on you, because you just have that draw.”

She sighed as she listened to the lyrics.

_“And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?” And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight”.”_

“And once we’ve shared our vows…” She thought about it. “I imagine yours would be beautiful and make me sob,” she said with a quiet laugh. “Once the ceremony was over I can just see you taking my hand and leading me barefoot into the sand.” Just like their time on the hospital roof. Only this time, they’d actually be in Paris. “And you’d hold me and we would dance…” She closed her eyes. “I love the way you hold me when we dance. It feels like it’s just you and me in the world. Your touch is so gentle. And your moves are so fluid and they just feel like they have meaning, you know?”

She imagined being in the French Riviera with Emily dancing around with a beautiful fiery sunset beyond the waves of the ocean behind them.

“I can feel your hands pulling me closer. And I can smell the ocean. I can see it. I can see the reflection of the sun bouncing off of the water. But more than anything, I can see the light from it on your face casting this perfect glow on you. And I’m smiling at you and you’re smiling at me…” She hummed happily. For the moment, she was lost in her daydream. “All the sights around us…and I can’t stop looking at you.”

_“I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes. And the wonder of it all…is that you just don’t realize how much I love you…”_

“Picture it, Em. Can you see it?”

Alison kept her eyes closed as she let her hopes and dreams take control. She got lost in all the memories she had of the two of them moving around the dance floor together. Every time Emily had asked Alison to dance she had always eagerly accepted. It had all started the night of Noel’s party. Alison remembered being so pissed off at Noel for inviting Ben that she couldn’t think straight, but Emily was like a natural sedative who soothed her anger through the art of movement. She’d lost count of how long they’d twirled around the dance floor together. She only remembered the end.

 _“Just one more dance.”_ Emily had said, wanting more than anything to dance with Alison just a little while longer.

Neither one of them had wanted the night to come to an end. The love language of dance was something that was important to Alison. There were so many defining moments in their relationship where they had just let their bodies do the talking.

Emily’s promposal on the cruise was something else that stood out in her mind. She’d had no idea what to expect when the music started, but then Emily had walked up behind her looking like a classical movie star and asked Alison if she could take the lead.

 _“May I have this dance?”_ She’d questioned with her signature Emily smile.

Alison wasn’t sure how much higher the two of them could climb. She was afraid that day would max out her happiness, that she would never feel that much joy again, but then when they actually went to prom there had been something so magical about the way they connected. Looking back she knew that it was because Emily had been planning their special night…their first time. But before that they’d had the honor of being queens that night.

 _“It’s our song.”_ She had whispered the second their first dance as prom queens had started.

Neither one of them had told the DJ to play it. It had been a perfect twist of fate. The world wanted them to get their happily ever after. Alison had felt it that night. She never would have guessed that their last dance would truly be the last time. She was grateful for the last few moments she’d had with Emily before she collapsed on their hospital-made Paris rooftop villa.

 _“How about a dance before we go?”_ She’d suggested.

Those last few moments had been replaying in Alison’s head ever since Emily had gone in for emergency surgery. She kept telling herself that they would dance together again. It got her through some of the darker days.

Emily’s love for her radiated off of her when they were together. Alison would dance with her forever. She had always felt transported in Emily’s arms. She reminisced over all the times they’d shared their souls while dancing. She was so lost within herself that she almost missed it.

She felt something twitch against her palm. She snapped out of her daydream and looked down at Emily. What she saw sent a swell of relief through her. Emily’s eyes were open. Not all the way. Just slightly. They were somewhat rolled back, but Alison could see just enough of them to feel a burst of hope.

“Emily…” She leaned closer and held her hand tighter. “Emily, can you hear me?”

She felt a gentle pressure against her hand. She laughed through her tears. But her joy was short-lived. Emily’s eyes slipped closed again.

“No-no-no.” Alison gently palmed her cheek. _She was here. She was RIGHT HERE._ She felt like she was losing her all over again. “Don’t go back to sleep. Please don’t go back to sleep. Stay awake, Em. Please. Come on, baby. Come back…” Her voice came out louder than she intended for it to.

“Is everything okay in here?” A nurse shuffled into the room.

She’d heard Alison’s change in tone and had come rushing in. Alison still had Emily’s hand in hers. She stroked Emily’s forehead, careful not to hit the tubing around her face.

“She woke up. It…it was brief. But she opened her eyes.” Alison had tears of joy on her face. It was just the hope she needed.

She had asked Emily to give her a sign that she was still in there…still fighting. And Emily had managed to do that.

“Are you sure?” The nurse questioned. She reached down and gently pried Emily’s left eyelid back until she saw the white of her eye.

“She squeezed my hand. She heard me.”

“Emily?” The nurse questioned. “Emily, can you hear me? If you can hear me I want you to squeeze my finger.” She slipped her fingers into Emily’s palm.

Emily didn’t respond to her command. The nurse looked at the machine monitoring her brainwaves. It wasn’t recording anything abnormal. Alison wanted to kick herself for not looking at the machine to see if there had been a spike in activity when Emily was awake. She hadn’t been able to pry her eyes away from Emily. But at the very least, she knew it was recording the activity and they could look back at it to verify that Emily really had woken up.

“I swear she was just awake.” Alison knew she wasn’t losing her mind. “Check the machines.”

“I’ll get Dr. Kingston. He’s right next door.” The nurse walked out of the room.

“I heard you, Em,” Alison said quietly. “Just keep putting up a fight. You have so many people who love you. You can do this. You’ve made it this far.”

Ten minutes later Wren walked into the room. He had an IPad in his hands and was tapping on the screen.

“She woke up. Wren, she opened her eyes.” Alison still couldn’t believe it. “It was only for a few seconds, but…”

“Not to be the bearer of bad news…”

 _Fuuuuuck._ Alison groaned internally. _What POSSIBLE bad news could come because she woke up?_

Wren saw the panic written all over her face.

“No, I didn’t mean to alarm you,” he assured her. “I just took a look back at her EEG and the scan indicates there wasn’t as much mental activity as it might have appeared physically.”

“She opened her fucking eyes. She squeezed my hand. She was awake. I wouldn’t make that up.”

“I don’t doubt you.” Wren replied, his voice passive. “But what you experienced might have been a spontaneous reflex. It’s not always a conscious response.”

He walked over to Emily’s bed and gently lifted her eyelids. He moved a penlight over them slowly. He spoke soft directions to see if she’d respond, but she didn’t.

_Em, just open your eyes back up to show him I’m not crazy…_

“It’s not uncommon for coma patients to have random anomalies and spontaneous reflexes. It appears as though they’re awake, but they aren’t cognizant.”

“I’m telling you…she heard me. I was talking to her and she heard me.” Alison argued. “Your test is wrong.”

_Please…Emily…_

“This isn’t a cause for discouragement. In fact, she very well could be responding, but the tests don’t indicate it yet. We still have quite a few hurdles to jump here. I just want to give you a realistic expectation…”

“That’s all everyone has been telling me.” Alison cut him off. “Everyone thinks I’m going to have a mental breakdown if they don’t treat me with kid gloves. Take the gloves off and say what you really want to say. That I’m holding on to false hope. But this…this wasn’t just some spontaneous whatever you’re calling it. This wasn’t just a reflex.” She turned back towards Emily and rubbed her hand.

Wren stood in the room quietly for a few seconds. He knew there was no use in arguing with her, so he let her have her moment.

“She’s very strong-willed.” Wren nodded. “She has that going for her. Perhaps with some time…” He stopped himself. He didn’t want to promise anything. “We’re monitoring her very closely and doing everything we can.”

“I know.” Alison sighed. She’d heard the speech at least a hundred times, if not more.

He glanced at the book next to the chair.

“ _Great Expectations._ ” He smiled. “I was always a fan of Dickens.”

“I’m not surprised.” Alison laughed weakly.

“Why? Because I’m English?”

“Because doctors need to believe in happy endings, too. Because they see enough tragedy as it is.”

“Insightful.” Wren was impressed. “But I also had a bit of an acting bug when I was in primary school. I performed in _A Christmas Carol._ I was Tiny Tim.”

“You were not.”

“Godbless us, every one.” Wren smiled.

Alison chuckled lightly. But then she looked at Emily and felt guilty for being happy. Because how could she be happy when Emily was suffering?

“It’s alright to feel joy,” Wren said softly. “In fact, you know she’d want you to.”

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Alison bit her lip.

“Have you taken a break today?”

“It’s worse when I’m not with her.” Alison sighed. She glanced at the clock. “Her parents are coming to sit with her for a while.” She played with Emily’s finger. “I don’t want to leave her.”

Especially not now that she’d opened her eyes.

“Perhaps you’ll feel better after you’ve gotten some fresh air,” he suggested.

“Dr. Kingston?” The nurse poked her head in. “You’re needed for a consult.”

“Take care, Alison.” He waved. “You know we’re all rooting for her.”

Alison watched them walk out and then she turned her attention back to Emily. She stared at the ventilator.

_Spontaneous reflex, my ass._

“They may not believe me, but I know you’re still in there.” Alison spoke softly to her.

Two days later Emily started breathing over the ventilator, which proved that Alison’s hope wasn’t misguided. Her body was coming back, but the big question was whether or not her brain would.

After they pulled the tube out of her throat she started breathing on her own again. But she still wasn’t completely responsive. She rarely opened her eyes, and when she did her eyelids fluttered rapidly and her eyes rolled around without ever locking in on anything. Sometimes she made groaning noises that were strange and primal. Sometimes she moaned in pain.

It took all of Alison’s willpower to stay in the room with her when she cried out in her sleep. It was everything Emily had feared would happen and more. The unconscious pain was terrible. But Alison forced herself to stay.

She would try to do little things to alleviate Emily’s discomfort. She’d massage her hands and feet. She helped the nurses with her physiotherapy and her range of motion exercises, which was when they came in to move her around to try and prevent muscle loss and to reduce the likelihood of other physical problems.

Emily had a lot of setbacks and a lot of complications after being off of the ventilator for a few days. She developed an infection which led to her getting pneumonia. They had to put her back on high levels of oxygen, but they didn’t have to put her back on the vent. But because of her weak immune system, they had to stop her visitations for a few days.

It was hell on Alison. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. She would have lost it had it not been for Cece’s interference. She was with her almost every second of every day.

Cece felt responsible for her. Not only was Alison her best friend, but she’d made a promise to Emily. And she intended to keep it. One morning they were sitting in Alison’s hotel room and Cece was having trouble getting her to get out of the bed.

“Babe, I’m all for your wallowing, but can we do this somewhere less gloomy than in fluorescent lighting? This shit is _so_ bad for your eyes and your skin.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is my grief inconveniencing you?” Alison bit back sarcastically.

“You need sunlight to survive.”

“I’m not a goddamn flower.” Alison rolled over, turning away from her friend.

“Alright, you asked for it.” Cece shrugged.

She walked over to the ice bucket, which had some melted ice and a few ice chips still left inside. She walked over to the bed and flung the frigid water on top of her. Alison squealed and nearly tumbled out of the bed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She growled, her teeth chattering. “Why did you do that?”

“You can’t spend all day sulking in bed, Alison. It’s not healthy. Take a warm shower. Change out of your wet clothes. And put on some exercise gear. I’m getting your ass out of this city today.”

“I am _not_ …”

“…leaving your girlfriend. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah.” Cece rolled her eyes. “She’s quarantined right now. It makes no difference if you’re in a hotel room or outside breathing actual fresh air. They will call you if there are any changes. And it’s not like I’m taking you to the wild nomadic lands up in Canada. Now go. You look like a drowned cat.” A _pissed off_ drowned cat.

“You’re insane.” Alison muttered as she walked towards the bathroom.

“You’re the one who wanted to be best friends in the first place.”

“Um, if I recall correctly, _you_ pointed out how stylish my shoes were and asked me to sit with you at lunch.” Alison corrected her.

“Don’t you dare resort to facts while I’m trying to prove a point here. Go.” She pointed to the bathroom.

Alison did what she was told, and truthfully, she felt better after a hot shower. She still wasn’t keen on the idea of leaving the city, but she knew if she brought her claws out against Cece she’d get scratched right back. So she followed her lead.

They drove west of the city and spent almost an hour and a half on the road before they ended up at their destination. Alison was so drained that she barely noticed the landscape on the way up. She looked out and saw several trees and what looked like hiking paths.

“We’re going to sweat the pain away,” Cece said as she parked the car.

“I don’t want to.” Alison leaned back and folded her arms across her chest.

Just the fact that she’d left the hotel room was a miracle in itself. The fact that they were over an hour away and going up a mountain was something else entirely. She stubbornly put her foot down.

“It’s fresh air…” Cece opened her door and stepped out.

“I don’t like fresh air. The blood in my veins is bleach and rubbing alcohol now.” Alison frowned, a dark hint in her tone.

“Stop acting like a toddler, Alison. You’re being ridiculous. Come on.”

Her tone pissed Alison off. She turned to her with a scowl on her face.

“I shouldn’t be surprised that your first inclination is to bolt. You run away. It’s what you do.”

It was a direct hit. Her verbal punch landed rather strong. She saw an inkling of shock and pain on Cece’s face, but it quickly dissolved into anger.

“You watch your mouth, you little shit.” Cece gave her attitude right back to her.

Emily had told her to take care of Alison, but she hadn’t said anything about letting her get away with her shit. The fact that Cece didn’t back down only enraged Alison more. She was overly-sensitive because of everything going on with Emily, but instead of crying sometimes it felt better when she got angry. And Cece was irritating her because she wouldn’t leave her alone. So she lashed out.

“You’ve been running from your emotions all of your life. You ran from letting people in. You ran from your problems. You ran away to an entirely different country to fuck a bunch of random strangers rather than stay here and be _normal_.” Alison couldn’t stop herself. “Hell, you probably ran away when your mom was dying.”

A flash of rage flew across Cece’s face, but she refrained from slapping the hell out of Alison. Instead, she slammed the door and leaned up against the car. She reached for her vape pen, which Alison almost never saw her use. She puffed on it, trying to let herself calm down as she waited on Alison to come to her senses. It didn’t take very long.

“God, you fucking dumbass, Alison.” Alison mumbled to herself.

She buried her face in her hands. Why had she just gone off on the only person who had been able to soothe her pain?

She slowly opened her door and stepped out of the car.

“Cece?” she asked, hoping to get her to turn around.

Cece continued to stare at the surrounding trees, puffing on her vape pen like it was the oxygen she needed to breathe.

Alison walked over to her.

“I’m sorry.” Alison sighed. “I crossed the line.”

“It’s fine.” Cece kept her gaze fixed on the scenery.

“No. I had no right to say all that, especially not about your mom.” Alison leaned against the car next to her. “It’s just…sometimes I want to run. I do. But I promised her. And then I feel so guilty for wanting to leave. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. It was really bitchy of me.”

“It was.” Cece didn’t disagree. “But I understand.” She finally turned to face her. “We hurt the ones we love the most.”

“Well…we’re stupid.”

“It’s not stupid to know that when someone loves you they’re not going to stop loving you if you hurt them. We lash out at people who care because we know they’re still going to be there afterwards.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have that many people in my life who care. I really shouldn’t alienate those I do have.” She took Cece’s hand and squeezed it gently. “You’re my best friend, Cece. I couldn’t get through this without you. And sometimes I don’t stop to consider how hard this might be for you. Because you’re like this impenetrable fortress when it comes to your emotions. And I forget that you could be hurting, too.”

Cece’s face softened. Alison had her all figured out. It irked her. Because she worked very hard to keep her pain hidden behind a cold mask. It’s why she never let herself get attached to anyone. It’s why she jumped around from bed to bed.

“I’m not going to bullshit you. This is as hard for me as it is for you.” Cece’s expression tightened in thought. “Not only can I not stand to see you in pain…or Emily for that matter…” She didn’t know Emily very well, but she knew Alison loved her and she knew that Emily was a bright spot in a dark world. “But on top of all of that, I wake up every morning and I see my mom’s face.”

Alison squeezed her hand again. Cece cleared her throat and gathered her emotions. She’d known Alison for years, but she’d never really let her see past her superficial bullshit. Cece silently cursed at Emily in her head, because in a roundabout way, Emily had brought her closer than ever to Alison. And it was hard for her. Caring was exhausting.

“I’m not trying to be hard on you to hurt you, Ali. I’m only doing this because I know what compartmentalizing can do to you long term. And I don’t want you to end up like me. The way I am is not a healthy way to be.” Cece admitted.

“The way that you are makes you the best fucking friend I could have ever asked for.” Alison retorted.

“Don’t get all sappy on me.” Cece pushed off of the car. “Come on.” She waved for Alison to follow.

“Do you even know the way?” Alison stepped in line behind her.

“Honey, I’ve been traipsing through Europe for over a year. I don’t find the way. The way finds me.”

Alison didn’t say much on their hike. She mostly spent her time looking at the surroundings, imagining how she’d describe them to Emily. But she found that, once again, Cece was right. It was a release that she very much needed.

Being out in nature soothed her. It was a different kind of pressure release than the direct relief she felt when she was out on the field gunning to score the winning goal. Sometimes she missed playing Field Hockey. It had helped her channel her rage when she was having bad days.

“You know, the last time I went hiking like this I was with Emily.” She smiled fondly, thinking of their time back in Rosewood.

Their very first hike had led to their very first kiss. That kissing rock was sacred ground. Sometimes Alison felt like hiring someone to dig it up and put it in her backyard so she could take Emily there and kiss her any time she wanted. That day at Spring Cove had changed everything. Neither one of them knew it at the time, but that’s where their journey was destined to take a beautiful turn. It had been the catalyst that sparked the flame of their love.

Once they reached the end of the trail Cece turned to go up a steep incline. Alison walked with her until they reached the end of the path, which was an open clearing with a cliff overlooking the trees and ravine down below. Alison stared at the drop for a minute and then she faced Cece.

“You brought a suicidal trainwreck to a cliff.” Alison frowned. “You’re certifiable.”

Cece lifted her brow inquisitively.

“I didn’t realize you were still verging on suicidal.”

“Of course I am. My girlfriend is in a fucking hospital bed, dying.” She looked out over the cliff. “And I feel like she’s taking me with her. She’s taking my heart. If she dies…I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Step away from the ledge there, Sylvia Plath.”

“Plath didn’t jump. She stuck her head in an oven and gassed herself to death.”

“Fuck.” Cece uttered to herself. “That’s dark.” She frowned and shook her head. “I didn’t bring you out here to kill yourself.”

“Then what’s the point?” Alison asked.

Cece pulled her vape pen out and took a drag, holding it in before releasing the cloudy vapors into the air. It quickly dissipated. She handed it to Alison. Alison stared at it for a minute. She wasn’t a smoker. She’d tried a cigarette exactly one time. It had made her nauseated as hell. Looking back she realized it was because the smell reminded her of all the times her father came home smelling like an ashtray. He’d always try to spray a bunch of cologne to cover it, but she could smell it. And he would sneak cigarettes on their back porch occasionally.

“It’s flavored.” Cece shrugged. “And it might make you feel better.”

“I’ve heard about this. Peer pressure.” Alison gave her a hard time.

“Like anyone could pressure _you_ into anything? Didn’t you shove Noel down a flight of stairs for the mere suggestion that you kiss him?”

“It was two steps on the way up to the slide.” Alison rolled her eyes and reached for the vape pen. “The cement broke his fall.”

“Never understood the design of that playground. It was like a death trap for idiotic children.”

“Natural selection.”

“You were a spirited little shit.”

“Still am.” Alison took a drag out of the vape.

Cece pulled some chapstick out of her pocket and applied it to her lips. Alison huffed out a cough and the electronic smoke dissolved into the air.

“Ugh, what’s the flavor supposed to be? Ass?”

“How much ass have you tasted in your day?” Cece laughed, taking the device back from her.

“Shut up.”

Cece shrugged and put the vape pen away. They stared out at the trees below them again.

“So, are you going to tell me what we’re doing out here?” Alison asked.

Cece nodded. It was taking her a bit of courage to build up to it. Because she rarely talked about the things in her past.

“When I was a kid I knew my parents were fucked up…”

 _Excellent way to start a pep talk._ Alison thought sarcastically. She had no idea where Cece was going with her story, so she kept her mouth shut.

“I didn’t have anyone. And when my mom went into the hospital I just remember sitting in my room on my bed thinking that I wished I had someone to be there for me. My dad…he tried. My family is dysfunctional, but at the end of the day we were still a family. My dad is a really fucked up person in a lot of ways, but he was a good husband. And he did his best to be a good father. But he didn’t know anything about parenting. That had always been my mom’s domain. So he had no fucking clue what to do with me when she died.”

She glanced at the ground, trying to keep her composure. She hated being vulnerable. She dug the tip of her shoe into the dirt.

“After my mom died my dad and I went out to the mountains for about a week. It was some weird male form of grief where he felt the urge to turn into a nomad and prove that he was strong enough or some shit.” She took a quiet breath. “Her death really broke him. He wasn’t afraid of anything in the world. He faced every challenge thrown in his path. But my mom’s death rattled him. I’d never seen him like that before. I don’t think he really planned the trip. I think it was just him running…” She glanced at Alison. “He’s where I get it from.”

“You’re nothing like your dad, Cece,” Alison said softly.

“Actually, I am.” Cece replied thoughtfully. “In some ways, at least. I mean…you’re not going to find me starting an underground business or any shit like that. But…emotionally, I get a lot from him. And I realized that on that trip.”

She looked out at the view.

“Every day he’d get up and he’d take me out to this cliff overlooking trees and canyons that you could see for miles and miles. Sometimes I’d walk. Sometimes I’d get tired and he’d carry me. But we went out there every day for a week. And every time we went there he would hoot and howl and scream out so loud that we could hear his voice echoing. He’d hold my hand to make sure I didn’t get too close to the edge and then told me to yell and scream and say whatever I wanted. He just wanted me to let it out. And I did. I screamed until I was blue in the face. And honestly? It did make me feel better. It didn’t bring my mom back, but it helped.” She faced Alison. “We’re here.” Cece motioned to the cliff. “So…let it out.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Just try it.”

“We came all this way to…what? Scream into the void? I could have done that back at the hotel with a pillow over my face.” Alison scoffed.

“You used to do that for me in high school without the pillow.” Cece lifted her brows mischievously. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten how _vocal_ you are.”

“We are standing on a cliff. Don’t agitate me.” Alison warned her.

“Seriously, just give it a try. Think about everything you have bubbling inside. Think about all the pain and anger and fear you’re holding on to. Let it course through you and just…” Cece turned towards the cliff and growled out a loud scream.

It echoed out above them. Cece closed her eyes and took a deep breath and then let it out. She looked at Alison.

“Your turn.”

Alison thought it was crazy, but they had walked all the way out here. She assumed it couldn’t hurt. She took a deep breath, clutched her fists tightly, and closed her eyes and screamed as loud as she could.

She felt an odd sort of relief flow through her when she let it out. So she kicked a small pebble as hard as she could and screamed out a, “FUCK!” that was long and drawn out.

She let it go. She let all of it go. She screamed out her miserable youth. She screamed out her asshole father. She screamed out Noel and Ben in the locker room. She screamed out the terror she felt the day of the shooting. She screamed out the pain and fear of losing Emily. She just screamed.

Cece yelled again. Then Alison did. It was the oddest thing Alison had ever done to release her inner turmoil. But the longer they stayed on the cliff bitching about life…the better she felt.

They sat out on a boulder away from the edge and talked for a while. She took a few more puffs from Cece’s vape pen and then they started their walk back to the car.

Alison’s entire body felt warm. Her thoughts were fuzzy. The pressure that had been building in her chest that had been making her feel like it was impossible to breathe was gone. Her footsteps even felt lighter.

 _“Tell me what you see.”_ She could hear Emily’s voice in her head.

The world looked different. Alison stared at her shoes during their walk back to the car. She noticed every divot, every tree root, every rock. She noticed the tiny insects crawling along the ground and the dirt and leaves from the trees above.

When she looked up she saw a splash of colors she hadn’t noticed on the walk out. The trees looked like they were dancing in the breeze, their limbs like long arms waving in sync.

_“What do you feel, Ali?”_

“Everything is so green.” Alison stared in wonderment. She heard a chorus, a menagerie of different animals making noises. “Is it just me…or are the birds louder than usual? It all seems so…intense.” She gasped, thinking about all the stress she’d had lately and how little sleep she’d been getting. Her blood pressure had to be sky high. She was suddenly very aware of how hard her heart was beating. “Oh, shit. Am I having a stroke?”

“No. That would be the Kimbo Kush kicking in.” Cece smiled at Alison. “Fresh from Colorado.”

Alison stopped in her tracks and stared at Cece in shock.

“Wait a fucking second. That vape pen isn’t nicotine?”

“Hell, no. That shit will kill you.”

“You…you gave me _weed_?” Alison gawked. Her mind was suddenly flooded with insane random thoughts. “Oh my God, what if Emily needs one of my organs or something and it’s too broken and filled with pot?” _Wait, is it weird that my first thought was giving my organs to my sick girlfriend? Wait, did I say that out loud?_

“Relax.” Cece tried to calm her down. “All the trials she’s been in…she’s _definitely_ had pot before. At least some variation of it.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Oh.” Alison nodded mindlessly. “Yeah. That’s true.” She blinked rather forcefully and then started walking again.

She was completely at ease when they got back to the car. She’d never felt a high like this before. She’d been drunk. And she’d taken one hit of a blunt when she was in tenth grade, but she was very careful about her drug and alcohol use in high school because she didn’t want to get kicked off of the team.

She climbed back into the car without a word. She leaned back against the seat. She felt the car shift when Cece hopped in the driver’s seat.

“Wait, maybe we should call an Uber.” Alison frowned.

“We’re on top of a mountain.”

“And you’re high. All the more reason to call an Uber.”

“My high wore off before we even started the walk back. When you live the carefree life like I do, you build up a tolerance. Besides, I haven’t taken a toke in over an hour. Not like you little Miss Puff the Magic Vape Pen. Now, don’t be one of those neurotic potheads…”

Alison stifled a giggle.

“I’m a pothead.”

“Settle down, _Half Baked_. That wasn’t even my strongest strain. And this is _not_ going to become a regular occurrence. I just knew you needed it since you’re too stubborn to take the anti-anxiety drugs you’ve been prescribed.”

“So instead now I’m hooked on hydroponics,” Alison said with a dazed smile.

“Oh, sweetie. You’re lucky you’re pretty.” Cece playfully pat her cheek.

Alison nodded and closed her eyes. She felt the engine of the car vibrating against her seat. She felt the cool air from the vents blowing against her warm skin.

“This is the most peace I’ve felt since…” She quietly drifted off, trying to remember the last time she’d had any semblance of relaxation, “…I don’t even remember.” She’d been on edge since she found out the truth. “I was pretty psycho after Emily told me everything. I threw things…”

“I remember. You told me,” Cece said.

“I was caught so off-guard. I felt like a bad girlfriend for not knowing.”

“She hid it from you. What were you supposed to do? Read her mind?”

“No.” Alison rubbed her sleepy dry eyes. “You don’t understand. It was more than that. I knew…I knew something was off. I could feel it. But I was so in love with her that I didn’t care what kind of baggage she came with. So I looked the other way. Pretended everything was fine. It was building long before prom, before we were…” Her words tapered off.

“Intimate?” Cece guessed. “You can say it, Alison. It’s not a dirty word.”

Alison was surprised she hadn’t gone with the word ‘fucking’. She had _never_ heard Cece talk about intimacy.

“I think we were intimate before that to be honest. Like…emotionally. But something happened that night. There isn’t one aspect of ourselves that wasn’t exposed while we…” She thought of their first time fondly and smiled. “…it’s just…when we were together…we could feel each other…in more than just touching. I felt her soul. And I bared mine.”

Cece snorted.

“Whatever you say, Shakespeare.”

“Shut up.” Alison reached out to shove her.

“I’m just teasing you.” Cece laughed. “I’m not blind. I can see what the two of you have.”

“You know, it’s weird. I’ve slept with other people…”

“You don’t say.”

Alison shot her a warning look and Cece smirked. But she didn’t say anything else.

“With Emily, it’s not so much the physical things we did, but how we connected on every level. Afterwards, I felt more naked than I ever have. It made me realize I wanted her to know everything. I’m the one who opened the floodgates when I told her about the Fourth of July. When she realized I was blaming myself she immediately told me the truth. She did it because she loves me and didn’t want me to suffer. I don’t think I fully realized it that night. I was too shell-shocked by everything. But she told me because she loves me too much to see me hurt.”

She remembered exactly how she felt that night. The empty numbness and the paralyzing fear had been swirling together in her brain in a dark vortex of shock and pain.

“I thought I had come to terms with it after we’d talked that night. I was ready to walk through fire with her. But she didn’t want me jumping into the flames out of instinct. She wanted me to think about it. But I couldn’t. I _wasn’t_ thinking. There was this disconnect in my brain. Because I shut everything down. I shut down like I always do. I think it was a subconscious way of protecting myself from the reality. But all of that went out the window when Ben came into the school to use Emily for target practice.”

Her hands started to shake just at the thought of it. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get past it. Sometimes she closed her eyes and she was back in that hallway hearing gunshots.

“That forced me to face reality. I mean, I _faceplanted_ back into reality. Being trapped in that closet with Hanna made me realize just how little control we have over mortality, how little _I_ have control. I realized that I couldn’t protect her. And giving up control is hard for me.”

“No shit.” Cece muttered.

“We’re just passengers in our lives. We choose the road, but we don’t get to choose where it leads.” She rubbed her right thumb against her left thumbnail, looking at some chipped nail polish.

She hadn’t repainted her nails in a while. She’d spent most of her life paying other people to do her manicures and pedicures. It was only after Emily got sick that she started doing things for herself.

The last time she’d painted her nails had been weeks ago. She’d done Emily’s at the same time. She stared at her fingers for an unusually long time, thinking about how much she loved seeing them intertwined with Emily’s hands, and how much she loved seeing them caress Emily’s cheeks, trace the curve of her plump moist lips, explore the curves of her body. She missed touching Emily and getting a response.

“You okay over there or are you having a philosophical journey of the mind?” Cece asked. When Alison didn’t respond Cece snapped her fingers in front of her face. “Hello? Tripping much?”

“I’m fine.” Alison looked up. She realized they still hadn’t started driving. How long had she been talking? There was a quiet beat. “Do you have anything to eat and drink?”

Cece chuckled. She reached behind the passenger seat where a cooler was stashed. She pulled out a bottle of water and handed it to Alison. Then she pulled a chewy chocolate granola bar out of the center console. Alison ate it in three bites. Then she chugged half the water.

“I think all that screaming wore me out.” Alison stared at the water in her bottle.

“I told you it helped.”

“I hate to say you were right…but…you were right.” Alison yawned.

Cece hadn’t even gotten the car into drive before Alison was snoring. She slept on the way back to the hotel. She woke up long enough to eat lunch and then she slept most of the day. She woke up again for dinner and then crashed that night. Cece stayed by her side making sure she was okay.

Cece kept her occupied with more random trips the next few days while Emily rode out the infection. They had her in isolation because of the high risk of visitors making her sicker. When they finally got Emily over the respiratory issues she started having muscle tremors and seizure-like activity, though she didn’t have any full blown seizures.

After almost two weeks of nothing but complication after complication they finally got her stable. They were starting to see some indications of brain activity, but she still wasn’t completely responsive.

The second she could have visitors again, Alison was by her side. She didn’t expect any major changes. And there weren’t any. But Alison wasn’t discouraged. Because Emily had beat all the odds so far.

Alison knew, she just _knew_ that the mermaid and the princess would live happily ever after.

Alison had moved the bulky cushioned chair as close to the bed as she could get it. Before she sat down she moved the covers away from Emily’s feet and caressed them, rubbing some lotion on them. She couldn’t put anything above her ankles because of the compression braces they had on her legs that were supposed to help prevent the loss of muscle mass.

Alison touched the brace. They felt so weird, because there was air in them like a giant bubble. It supposedly helped with blood flow.

She massaged Emily’s feet for a few minutes and then pulled the covers back down. She moved into the chair next to her and started working on her hands. She rolled her fingers around and spread the lotion into her fingers.

“Sometimes I wonder if I could shock you out of the coma. Kind of like how you can scare the hiccups away.” She traced patterns on Emily’s arm. She leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “I smoked weed with Cece.”

She pulled back and watched Emily’s face, but there was no change.

“Nothing, huh? What if I told you I slept with Cece? Would you wake up and slap the shit out of me?”

Still nothing. Alison smiled and quickly added,

“That’s bullshit. You probably know it’s bullshit. You can call me on my lies even when you’re unconscious. You know you’re the only one I have eyes for.” She leaned over and pecked her cheek. “Cece has been there for me though. She pulls me out of my hotel room and makes me live like an actual person. We went to the harbor yesterday. The weather is really nice. I can’t wait to take you there.” Alison smiled with a sigh.

Her smile faded and turned into a loving expression.

“You’re going to get out of here. We’re going to get back what we had. Just imagine us, sitting on our bench back home. Just like the day we met. And we can walk around and listen to the kids playing and you can rescue me from big evil hornets. And I can follow you around like a stupid little love-sick puppy. Because, I mean, to everyone else in that town I’m the biggest bitch in the world. But when it comes to you, all you have to do is touch me and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We can go swimming and go on vacations. At this point it’s really too late to do anything about college this year. We could take a gap year. And we can do whatever you want. I just want to be with you.”

Alison slipped her fingers underneath Emily’s palm, which was down against the bed. She gently held her hand.

“I had a dream last night. About the first time we danced. It felt so right. You pulled me close and I could feel you asking me to stay. Just like the song.” She smiled. “You made me feel more myself than I have ever felt. You fed a part of my soul that I didn’t even realize was hungry. It was like I hadn’t breathed properly until you held me in your arms.” She closed her eyes and imagined their dance at Noel’s party. “What we have is poetry, Em. When we connect we put pen to paper and create words dancing in a beautiful way. The story of our love is written in a lyrical prose.”

She took in a breath through her nose and held it. When she had her eyes closed she could see her past with Emily. All their laughs, their smiles, their touches.

“And the thing about poetry is that it is messy and tragic and doesn’t make sense sometimes. But it breathes the very life of love into existence. It’s like our life together. And our love. I love you. I love you so much and I…”

She was interrupted by a gurgling sound. Emily groaned out a noise that was different from all of the other sounds Alison had heard her make.

Alison quickly opened her eyes.

“Emily?”

Emily mumbled something, her jaw falling slack. Her tongue grazed her chapped lips, which Alison had been putting chapstick on to keep from cracking.

“Em?” Alison leaped up, moving the chair away and stepping closer to her.

Her eyes were still closed, so Alison tried not to get too excited.

_Please don’t be another false alarm._

After a few seconds, Emily tried to say something again. She slowly opened her eyes. Her droopy gaze met Alison’s.

“Emily?” She had tears of joy in her eyes. “Hey.”

Emily’s face twisted into confusion. Alison touched her hand and she jerked. Alison felt a crippling sadness at Emily’s resistance to her touch. She was terrified that Emily wouldn’t remember her. She thought about her promise to her.

_“You won’t forget. I won’t let you.”_

“It’s okay,” Alison’s fingers hovered above her hand.

Emily loosened her jaw and furrowed her brows. She muttered out something that sounded almost like a word, but it wasn’t quite formed.

“Hey, easy. Just take your time.” She wanted to call for the doctors and nurses, but she didn’t want to startle Emily or cause her to panic.

Emily moved her mouth several times, but Alison couldn’t make out any of the words. After a few minutes the noises started to sound more like formed sentences.

“W-what…what’s h-happening?” Emily’s eyes darted around frantically.

Her voice was low and husky. Alison couldn’t believe she was hearing her speak again, but she didn’t have much time to process it because she could see that Emily was starting to freak out.

Alison thought about how disorienting it must be to come out of sedation, and for Emily it had to be much worse. Because if she didn’t remember who she was or what was happening then how terrifying it must be for her to wake up in the dark…

“I know you must be so scared…and so confused.” Alison choked back her own fear. It was her turn to be the solid foundation in their relationship. “I don’t…I don’t know what you remember. But you’re okay. You’re okay. Because you’re Emily Fields, the strongest person I know. You had a tumor and you lost your sight a few years ago. But they got the tumor, Em. You’re going to be okay. And I’ll be right with you the whole way.” She blathered nervously. “Do you…do you remember who I am?”

Emily just continued to stare at her blankly. It ripped into Alison.

“It’s…it’s me. It’s Alison.”

At first it didn’t register. Alison felt her heart sink. She’d been warned about memory loss, but she’d been hoping it wouldn’t come to fruition.

“You don’t remember?” Alison asked.

 _“You’ll remind me…”_ Emily had told her.

“We met in Rosewood,” Alison kept her voice soft. “At the park. And we kissed at the kissing rock. And danced at Noel Kahn’s party.” She tried to help her out of her memory lapse, praying that it wasn’t permanent. She rubbed her cheek. “Pip gets Estella in the end.”

She reached down and touched Emily’s fingers again. Emily didn’t pull away this time.

“It’s okay.” Alison assured her as she took her hand.

She guided Emily’s fingers towards her face. She placed Emily’s warm palm against her cheek.

“Just feel me, sweetheart.” _Please God…_

Emily’s expression softened as she gently stroked Alison’s face. Emily looked right at her, and Alison felt like she could truly see her. Emily smiled, a spark in her eyes.

“Ali,” she said under her breath. Tears filled her eyes.

“Hey,” Alison said again.

“Hi.”

Alison laughed through her tears and cupped Emily’s face as she leaned in to place a tender kiss on her lips.

“Oh my God. You’re awake. You’re really awake.” A tear slipped down her cheek and fell against Emily’s face.

Emily moved her hand slightly and ran her thumb underneath Alison’s right eye.

It felt like a dream to her.

It felt like a dream…because she could see her. Not in perfect clarity, but it was more than the darkness she was used to. She was in complete shock. Through all the fogginess and the haze of her medications, she could see Alison. And the blonde was every bit as beautiful as she’d imagined.

She’d touched Alison. She’d felt her beauty. But to actually see the image of that beauty was staggering. Emily wasn’t sure what to say. All she could do was stare. She was so in love with the goddess looking back at her.

Emily looked at her and she couldn’t see anything else. She knew she loved her. She’d known that since she met her. But seeing her…seeing the love in her girlfriend’s eyes, it was the most humbling and gratifying experience of her life.

She ran her fingers across Alison’s perfectly shaped heart lips. She pushed her palms against her milky smooth cheek and stroked her dimples.

They were both afraid to move, both afraid that the dream would end. That it wasn’t real. Because people didn’t just wake up from comas, much less people like Emily who had been through hell and back. Emily spent several minutes worrying that she’d died and gone to Heaven. Because Alison was her Heaven. But when she felt Alison’s lips against hers she knew it was real. Not even the most perfect afterlife could have angels like Alison DiLaurentis.

Alison didn’t miss her silence. It started to worry her.

“What is it?” Alison asked in concern. “Do you need something? Are you in pain?”

“No. I…uh…I’m f-fine.” Emily had to concentrate to speak coherently.

She rubbed her fingers against Alison’s cheek, watching as her fingertips traced an invisible line that was no longer invisible to her. Alison smiled. Emily felt her heart starting to race.

“Your eyes are so blue.”

Alison pulled back in astonishment. She wasn’t sure what to do or how to respond. She looked around the room, wondering if she was having some strange hospital induced fever dream. Then she looked down at Emily. The brunette’s soft brown eyes were focused on her, _looking_ at her.

“Em, you…can you…”

Emily nodded. She rubbed her fingers against Alison’s cheek, a perfect porcelain jawline that she’d imagined so many times as she’d held it, kissed it.

“You’re so…you’re absolutely beautiful.” She smiled. Her head felt tired and her words came out sluggish and slow, but she spoke clearly and concisely. “I dreamed up this perfect image of you in my mind,” Emily couldn’t take her eyes off of her. “And you’re even more…um…” She tried to think of the right word. It was taking a lot of effort for her to talk, but she knew she had to tell Alison how perfect she was, “…you’re more…stunning…” She remembered the word, “You’re more stunning than the picture I had in my head.”

Of all of the sights she could have seen when she roused from her coma…it was Alison. If that wasn’t a sign of things to come, she wasn’t sure what was.

Alison was speechless. All she could think about was the private conversation between her and a dead girl,

_“I just…I want to see her again. I want her to see me.”_

Perhaps Maya had heard her after all. Alison smiled through her tears. Emily noticed that beyond the joy in her eyes, Alison had a strange haunted look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked.

“Is this a dream?” Alison asked. “I’m afraid this is a dream. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and you’re going to be gone again.”

“I’m here.” Emily assured her. “Things are just…my head feels…jumbled.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. They felt incredibly dry. She opened her eyes back up slowly, afraid that the vision may have only been temporary. But she could still see her girlfriend leaning over her.

“I’m here,” she said again, with a little more confidence.

Alison didn’t move for several minutes. She held her hand and stroked her face, just reveling in seeing her again.

“How long have I been…um…” Emily lost her train of thought. “How long was I out?”

“You’ve been sedated for a few weeks,” Alison said. She thought about it. “Almost…” She tried to do the math in her head, but she was so overwhelmed. “…almost a month. You got sick and ended up in isolation for a while. You haven’t missed much. I’ll catch you up on all the good gossip.”

“Yeah?”

“Some of it is juicy.” Alison nodded. “Hanna and Caleb eloped.”

“Bullshit. Hanna…she would never.”

Alison smiled. Her girl was still sharp.

“You’re right. Not without her maid of honor next to her side.”

“She’d never miss the chance to go shopping for new things.” Emily closed her eyes and took a breath through her nose. When she opened them back up Alison was still right beside her. Being able to see was going to take some getting used to. She was starting to get dizzy from all the overstimulation. She had a hard time differentiating her thoughts. “Did I…did we miss graduation?”

Alison pressed her lips together and chewed on the inside of her cheek. She knew there were going to be things that Emily wouldn’t remember. She was just glad that she remembered her.

“I’ll tell you all about it. Spencer has showed me her speech so many times that I’ve practically got it memorized.”

Emily smiled and nodded.

“I’m going to get a nurse to get Nate,” Alison said quietly. “You promise to stay awake?”

“Mmhmm.” Emily replied.

Alison gently moved away from her, but Emily reached out for her at the last minute, her shaky hand latching on to Alison’s hand.

“Wait.” Emily gently squeezed her fingers. She didn’t have much hand strength. She knew she was going to have to go through some major rehabilitation.

“What? What’s wrong?” Alison asked.

“I just…I want to look at you a little bit longer.”

“I’ll stay as long as you want.”

Alison lost track of how long she stayed with her, the two of them looking into each other’s eyes for the first time since they were five. But it wasn’t very long before a nurse came in to check on her and saw that Emily was awake. She ran off to grab the doctors.

Finding her awake was one thing, but finding out that she could see was an added bonus. It was something that none of them had expected.

Nate spoke to Doctor Sullivan about it and she explained that when they were removing the tumor they also excised the scar tissue pressing against her optical nerve as well. They hadn’t assumed that it would restore her vision. They had only done it to try and decrease the frequency of her headaches.

Her sight was limited, but they were cautiously optimistic about it being long term. There was a high likelihood that her sight would start to deteriorate with age and that she might eventually be completely blind again, but they didn’t think it would happen for a long time.

On his initial post-coma exam Nate also found that her brain function wasn’t entirely back to normal, and it probably never would be. She blanked out once while he was in the room and had trouble identifying her surroundings, but she came out of it fairly quickly.

Her memory retention wasn’t great, but she was able to remember bits and pieces of what she was told. He explained that she’d probably have some short-term memory issues, but that it might get better over time.

Her reflexes were a little bit slow and she fumbled a lot with her hands, but he told her that rehabilitation would help with all of that.

Something that really seemed to encourage her was Alison’s presence. Looking at her gave her a focal point. She’d always been Emily’s focal point. Ever since they’d met. She’d given her something to concentrate on when she was having a breakdown in the bathroom at school over her dad leaving. She’d kept her centered after Ben attacked her. She’d helped her breathe through her PTSD nightmares. There had never been a time since the two of them got together that they weren’t fully there for one another.

Everyone reacted differently to the news of her recovery. Her mother cried and held her, nearly smothering her to death. Her dad turned away to hide his tears of joy before leaning down and kissing her forehead with a shaky, _“Welcome back, kid.”_

Lily was so excited that she couldn’t stay still in Nate’s arms, so he sat her on the bed next to Emily so she could hug her. The little girl was gentle, but Emily could feel her excitement. She’d giggled and then said,

“Hi, Emmy. I missed you,” before launching into a fairytale. She wanted to tell Emily the stories she’d been coming up with with help from her Emmy bear.

Hanna, as always, had a different reaction when she saw her best friend awake. Her disbelief came out in a very direct and brazen way.

“So, like, you can see again?” She asked skeptically. “Just like that?”

“She had brain surgery, Hanna.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“You never said anything about it restoring your vision,” Hanna said.

“No one knew it would.” Emily replied. “It was just…luck.”

A stroke of luck that she was _definitely_ due for.

“But you can see again?” Hanna asked.

“It’s not 20-20. I’m not going to be driving racecars or flying planes. But yeah,” Emily said with a nod. “I can see.”

“Can you see how many fingers I’m holding up?” Hanna waved two fingers close to her face.

The motion made Emily feel queasy. She was still getting used to seeing objects and things up close.

“Two. And they’re going to smell like puke if you don’t get them away.”

“Sorry.” Hanna replied sheepishly. “You know me.”

“You’re still obnoxious, vision or not.” Emily teased her best friend.

Alison’s phone buzzed and she glanced at the message. It was from Cece.

_“So, Sleeping Beauty woke up?”_

_“Happily ever after and all that bullshit.”_ She added a smiling emoji at the end of her sentence. _“You were right.”_

_“Damn, you’re finally admitting I’m smarter than you are?”_

_“Shut up. I’m being serious.”_ Alison typed as Hanna and Emily talked. _“Thank you for pulling me out of my spiral. I wouldn’t have made it through this without you. You drive me nuts, but I love you.”_

_“I love you, too, you little shit. You’ll always be my favorite bitch. See you in a little bit. I’m thinking about eating a little Italian to celebrate…”_

_“Italian sounds good.”_

_“Her name is Gia. I don’t know if you want my sloppy seconds.”_

_“You’re hopeless.”_

_“Seriously though, what kind of pizza do you want?”_

_“Emily’s dad likes pineapple.”_

_“Um, no. No. Just no. I refuse to let you join that cult…”_

They quipped for a few more minutes and then a phone call interrupted them. It was her brother. Alison felt bad about being on her phone so much, but she’d been telling everyone about Emily coming out of her coma so it had been ringing off the hook.

“I’m going to take this really quick.” Alison stood up and stepped towards the door. “I promise I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be here.” Emily replied.

Hanna watched her walk out and then she turned to Emily.

“You know…she was here,” Hanna said. “Every day. She sat by your side. She held your hand. She read to you. She kissed you every time she left the room. She said she wasn’t going to let a day go by where you two didn’t see each other, even if you couldn’t see her.”

“I know,” Emily said softly. “I felt her. I mean, I…I don’t remember her being here, but I know she was.” Her face hardened in concentration. She couldn’t find the words to tell Hanna exactly what she meant. “It’s hard to explain.”

“She swears you woke up once before. Do you remember that?”

“No.”

“Do you remember anything from when you were sedated?”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “The last thing I remember was being on a beach with Ali. We…we were dancing. And…something happened and I remember her being really scared. It’s a blank after that. Nate told me everything, but I don’t remember any of it.” Which was probably for the best, because it had been a hellacious few weeks. “He says people in comas don’t always have…they…they um…don’t usually dream or anything. It’s just like this…black out.”

“I’m not going to lie, you gave us a hell of a scare.” Hanna reached out to take her hand. “I had some major panic moments. Caleb has been a saint basically coddling me. I really thought we were going to lose you.”

“I’ve got more lives than a cat.”

“I think you’ve used up a fair amount of them. So, how about no more near-death experiences? I’ll Sherpa you through.” Hanna suggested.

“You’ll…what?”

“Nothing. Never mind. It was a whole thing with Ali. I’ll explain it later.” Hanna waved it off. “Your brain probably already feels like it’s on overload.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m just glad you still have a brain. We were all afraid it was mush.”

“Parts of it are.” Emily moved her index finger up to her temple and scratched it. “I don’t feel exactly like myself. I feel…scattered.”

“I know. But you’re still you.” Hanna smiled. “You’re still you, and we love you. Mush or no. Besides, you just came out of a freaking coma after emergency brain surgery. You’re not going to know the entire periodic table or Einstein’s theory of relativity.”

“I don’t even know if I knew those before.” Emily smiled.

“Good point.” Hanna chuckled. She smiled at her friend. “I’m so glad you are okay.” She rubbed Emily’s hand. “I didn’t get the chance to tell you before your surgery, but I love you, Em.”

“Love you, too, Han.”

They shared a quiet moment, both of them thankful to be in each other’s company again. Alison walked back in. She had a look on her face that was a mixture of happiness and annoyance.

“Jason is on his way. He’s already in his car getting on the highway. I told him he didn’t need to. He is so stubborn.”

“It runs in the family.” Emily reminded her.

“I am not…”

“How often did you have to be physically dragged out of the hospital?” Emily asked.

Alison’s jaw snapped closed and her cheeks reddened, which told Emily all she needed to know. Alison couldn’t deny it. And she wasn’t going to. Because her girlfriend was giving her shit. And she had missed that so much. She had missed Emily calling her out on her crap.

“Okay.” Alison walked over next to her with a smile. “Okay, you got me.” She looked into Emily’s eyes. “But the next time…I’m dragging you out of here with me. When you’re all healed up, we’re leaving… _together_.”

Which is all they had both wished for. They knew they had a long way to go, but now that she was awake it was going to be one step at a time.

She had a long road to recovery. She had a lot of physical therapy to complete. She had to relearn some of her basic motor functions. But she persisted. She not only met expectations, she exceeded them.

Three months after she started her physical therapy, she was walking out the hospital doors with Alison by her side. She looked at the sunlight for the first time in nearly two years. Even with her sunglasses on, the light was still bleeding through to her eyes at a high contrast. It was bright and beautiful. But the light from the sky wasn’t what she was looking at. Because it wasn’t half as radiant as the girl next to her.

* * *

**A/N:** _We’re almost at the end of this journey. I’ve got it where it can go two different ways, and depending on which way I go we’ll either have one chapter, plus an epilogue or a twisted alternate route that concludes the story in one chapter. Either way, even if I don’t go the alternate route, it will be posted after the story is finished. I can’t really even call it an alternate ending, because it flows with the story and could be considered the way it ends even if I post it after the epilogue. I’m sorry, none of this probably makes any sense to you guys. It will after everything is posted though._


	34. The Heart's Eye

**A/N:** _Fun random fact: this story’s working title was “She Sees Who You Really Are” but I felt that it was too long, which is ironic considering the chapters themselves were the length of Shakespeare’s entire life work._

_Also ironically, as much as I write, I don’t have the words to tell everyone just how thankful I am to have found this niche and this little online community that keeps on keeping on. Many of you have seen me through some very hard times without even realizing it. Though this story is coming to a close (we still have an epilogue and one more follow up afterwards), I hope to keep the friendships I made here._

_*ends author’s note before getting too sappy and crying like a bitchbaby*_

* * *

**Chapter 34:**

**The Heart’s Eye**

Emily knew when she left the hospital that her recovery was just beginning. She had no idea how hard it was going to be to do the little things in her daily routine. It took time for her to get her range of motion back and to build up her muscles again.

The first month had been the hardest. Her balance was still off and she was still weak. She had to walk with a cane and she got easily winded. Sometimes just standing up in the shower was a challenge for her.

She still had help in all forms. Ace was still by her side. Even though she had her sight back she still had trouble focusing on things and sometimes she still needed his assistance.

He also provided a sense of comfort to her. He’d always been more than just her seeing-eye-dog. He was family. He’d been trained as more than just her eyes. He was able to detect her emotional needs, too. He could sense when she was overwhelmed and needed something safe to latch on to.

Emily had adored her dog before she could see. But now that she’d actually looked into his big brown puppy dog eyes she loved him even more. The large Chocolate Labrador looked like pure happiness in dog form. The first time he’d come to see her in her hospital room after she woke up he’d wagged his tail when she said his name. She’d cried tears of joy.

Since being released she’d cried tears of frustration more times than she could count, but she never let her family and friends see her cry. Ace was the only one who had watched her break down over certain things she couldn’t do or moments she felt different…unlike herself.

Her brain chemistry felt off, which Nate warned her was going to happen. She was beyond grateful for her life and couldn’t put into words what it felt like to see again, but she felt like there was a part of her missing. And as much as it didn’t make sense, she cried for that missing piece.

She always felt better after she buried her face into Ace’s fur and cried it out. Sometimes she tried to talk to Alison about it, but the words never came out right. So she put on a brave face.

It was a full six weeks before Emily could walk without fumbling over her feet or without using a cane for support. The first time she walked unassisted her mother acted like it was her first steps as a baby.

Her parents were around her a lot. Sometimes she felt smothered, but she knew they were hovering out of love. It took a lot for her to convince them to start living their own lives again.

One night her mom and dad were having a date night before her dad had to go back overseas. It had been Emily’s idea. She wanted them to have some time together that didn’t revolve around her. She’d been fine on her own during short durations, and she had Ace. So she convinced them to go out. She’d been okay for the first hour, but when she went to wash up she’d taken a tumble.

Just minutes after she’d fallen in the bathroom, she heard the front door open. Alison had come over with take-out. Emily heard Alison call out her name, but she was in a fog. She tried to answer, but couldn’t.

When Emily didn’t answer Alison panicked and ran around until she found her sitting in a daze on the bathroom floor in her underwear. Ace was up against her side, keeping her upright. Her back was against the wall. It took a few seconds for Emily to recognize that she was there.

Emily looked up at Alison, exposing a small cut oozing blood on her cheek. The look on Emily’s face made Alison feel like she was in physical pain. Alison tensed up at the sight of the blood. She had a deep-seated fear every time Emily was on her own. She had a hard time relinquishing control, because of instances like this. She was terrified something bad would happen to her. Alison leaned down in front of her and ghosted her fingers over the cut.

“Em…what happened?”

“I’m fine.” Emily assured her. “I came in to take a shower. I tripped over the rug and lost my balance. Ace kept me from falling full force. I just caught the edge of the sink before I steadied myself. I should probably wear a helmet at all times, huh?” Emily smiled weakly.

“You joke, but I’m seriously considering it.” Alison rubbed her thumb against Emily’s uninjured cheek. “You survived brain surgery. The last thing you need is a concussion. We need to protect this precious cargo at all costs.” She tapped her index finger against Emily’s temple.

Her kindness prompted another smile out of Emily. She reached up and touched Alison’s face. It was still so surreal that she was looking at her, that she could see her. Every night before she went to bed she worried she’d wake up and her vision would be gone again. So every moment she had while she was awake, especially the time spent with Alison, meant more to her than anything.

She’d always been in tune with Alison’s emotions. But now she could not only feel them…she could see them. And she could see Alison’s fear. The blonde wasn’t used to seeing her so weak and vulnerable. And it made Emily feel bad. She didn’t want to scare her.

“You look worried,” Emily said softly. “Don’t worry, Ali. This is all part of it. I’m going to get a few bumps and bruises.”

Alison frowned. Her forehead creased in concern.

“Don’t,” Emily said. “You’ll get worry lines and wrinkles.”

“Would you love me less if I looked like an old hag?” Alison questioned curiously.

“You will always be beautiful in my eyes.” Emily brushed some of Alison’s hair away from her face, moving it behind her ear.

Alison took a moment to appreciate that Emily had come back to her. It hadn’t been an easy road, but they were together. Her girlfriend had come back to her, against all odds.

“Come on.” Alison took her hand. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Emily didn’t move. She looked at Alison’s outstretched arm. Alison’s hand was clamped around hers, tugging gently against it.

There was a beat of silence and then Emily admitted,

“I…I’m having trouble getting up.”

It’s why she had still been on the floor when Alison came rushing in. Her legs felt like jello beneath her and her muscles were aching. She peered away, her pride wounded. She felt embarrassed. It was hard for her to admit that she was struggling. Alison quickly reassured her.

“It’s fine. It’s okay.” She moved down next to her again. “Like you said, this is part of it.” She moved Emily’s cheek, pushing her to face her. “I’ve got you, okay?”

Emily looked down at the floor for a few seconds and then looked back up at Alison again.

“Please don’t tell my parents,” she whispered. She was worried they’d never leave her alone again.

Alison sighed. She had a hard time saying no to that sweet face.

“Under one condition.” Alison replied. “You call me if you ever feel like you can’t do something, or even if you just don’t feel well.”

Emily seemed hesitant and Alison knew why.

“I know how hard it is for you to ask for help,” Alison added. “But you have to, Em. You’ve gone through too much to backslide now.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded in agreement. “Yeah, okay.”

Alison helped her to her feet. They moved into the open shower stall with a built in seat. Alison grabbed a washcloth and some antiseptic and gently cleaned the cut on her face. Then she helped her get out of her underwear. Alison kicked her shoes off and stripped down to her own bare essentials before cutting the moveable showerhead on.

She delicately lathered Emily’s body with soap and then let the warm water rinse it away. She gently shampooed and conditioned her thinning hair. She was careful not to get too rough with her. Emily hadn’t done extensive chemo, so she hadn’t lost a lot of it in the treatments, and what she lost was coming back.

After the shower she helped Emily get her clothes on and helped her into bed. She brought her an icepack for her cheek and then crawled into bed next to her.

“Thank you.” Emily laid the cloth icepack across the cut, still fazed from the whole evening.

“You know your mom and dad don’t miss a beat. They’re probably going to notice the cut.” Alison told her.

“I’ll think of something…”

“Like what? You joined a fight club?”

“I’ll just tell them you’re rough in the sack.”

Alison huffed out a laugh. She hadn’t expected that.

“Oh my God, don’t you dare!” Alison smiled. “I would never be able to look your dad in the eyes again.”

“I’m actually kind of having a hard time with that myself,” Emily said, her tone shaky.

“I think it’s shitty that they’re already calling him back to duty.” Alison frowned. She was mad at the military for pulling Emily’s dad away again, though technically that’s how it worked. “When does he leave?”

“He still has two weeks.” Emily replied. “But that’s not really what I was talking about. Things have been weird since we came home from the hospital. I’ve been through some major stuff before, but nothing like this. And I feel like they’re different…and they’re treating me differently…”

“I mean, you were in a coma for almost a month. What normal parent wouldn’t be hovering?”

“I guess.” Emily agreed. “But I also know they didn’t handle my hospitalization well. I know my mom had a breakdown.”

Emily knew all too well what it felt like to lose yourself in the illness or death of a loved one. She’d been committed to the psych ward after Maya died. She didn’t like to think of her mom going through that kind of pain.

“How did you find out about that?” Alison questioned.

“I asked,” she said. “I noticed that my mom is still taking meds for her anxiety. So I asked my dad how bad it was. He just told me she had a hard time and left it at that. He didn’t want me to worry. I know she was admitted to the hospital for shock, though. I dragged that out of Hanna. But she wouldn’t tell me anything else.” Everyone around her was trying to protect her from the truth, that Pam had been inconsolable. She faced Alison. “How bad was it?”

Alison wanted to keep the brunt of it from her, but when Emily looked at her she couldn’t find it in herself to lie to her.

_Ugh, fuck those sweet puppy dog eyes._

“Honestly, it’s all a blur.”

It wasn’t technically a lie. So much had happened that Alison couldn’t remember everything. She did remember Pam falling to the floor and screaming about her baby, but that’s something she would never tell Emily.

“We were all in shock after you collapsed. And then after the surgery it was like this huge tidal wave of grief to hear that you weren’t breathing on your own. They admitted your mom and gave her some stuff for her anxiety and depression. I didn’t see her until the next morning. And by that time she was awake and talking.”

“What did she say?” Emily asked.

“She asked me to call her ‘Pam’.”

“She must have been delusional.” Emily laughed.

Alison took Emily’s hand. She pressed a kiss against her temple.

“She talked about you.” She watched as Emily’s eyes met hers and her heart started to race. “She talked about your childhood. And about how much she loves you. It’s something I can totally relate to.” Because she loved her against hope and reason, too. “She gave me a glimpse into your life.”

Pam had actually given her a lot more than that. She’d given her the kindness and the approval her own parents had never given her. Pam had reassured her that her love was real. Alison would never forget Pam’s words to her,

_“I couldn’t have asked for a better person to love her.”_

In a way, Alison felt like she knew Emily even more intimately now that she knew her family. Emily had never told her about how hard it was for her to come out to her parents. There was a lot Alison was still learning about her.

“Oh God. She didn’t tell you the potty training story, did she?” Emily grimaced.

Alison was amused at the idea of a little diaper-less Emily running around the house. Pam hadn’t mentioned it. She thought maybe she could trick Emily into telling her.

“She did. But I want to hear it from _your_ perspective.” Alison smirked.

“Nice try. But I’m not falling for it.” Emily shook her head. “My brain isn’t _that_ damaged.”

“Oh, come on.” Alison begged. “You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.”

Alison was certain hers was worse than Emily’s. When she was three Jason had convinced her she could pee standing up if she stood on the edge of the toilet. Then he’d pushed her and she’d slipped and gotten her foot stuck in the drain. She’d thrown a plunger and a toothbrush at his face. He’d cried.

“Not going to happen.” Emily smiled.

“I’ll just ask your dad then.” Alison shrugged.

“Good luck getting him to talk. He’s like a steel trap. He’s had extensive military training, you know.”

“He may be a big bad army man, but he’s no match for Alison DiLaurentis and her cunning smarts and sweet talk. He’s a sucker for his daughter’s girlfriend. A big ole softy.”

“I’m really glad you all had one another. It gives me peace of mind to know that if…” She stopped herself because she didn’t like to think about what would have happened if she hadn’t made it, “…that if something had gone really wrong you would have had one another.”

Alison cringed thinking about it, but she tried to push it away. It was often in the forefront of her mind though. Because she thought about the future and she worried about Emily’s health going forward. She worried that the cancer would come back or that something would go wrong in her body and she might suddenly pass away. Every time Emily fell asleep Alison checked to make sure she was breathing.

Emily had finally convinced her to take her anxiety medication, because she’d been a neurotic mess. Alison was doing fairly well on it. Initially, it had been hard for her to admit that her anxiety was a real thing. There had always been such a stigma about mental health, especially in her family. But she’d finally come to the realization that it wasn’t something she needed to hide…thanks to Emily’s help.

Alison knew she’d probably had something stewing for a long time. She’d had bouts of depression and obsessive thoughts long before she’d met Emily. A lot of her issues stemmed from the way her parents treated her. She’d never realized how much she was keeping bottled inside until she’d been forced to deal with her emotions when Emily was in the hospital. Then it had all come pouring out of her and she hadn’t been able to stop it. It had been her conversation with Emily’s dad in the serenity garden that made her realize it was okay to not be okay.

“Your parents are amazing,” Alison said with a soft smile.

“Yeah, I think I’ll keep them.” Emily nodded. She reached out and took Alison’s hand. “How are you doing? I know this hasn’t been easy for you. Are you still doing your breathing exercises?”

“I haven’t had any panic attacks since you came out of the coma, but yeah, I still do meditation.” She got a sour look on her face when she thought about the last time she’d tried to calm her mind down after a nightmare she’d had. “At least, when the stupid asshole neighbors aren’t mowing their grass at seven in the fucking morning. Makes me want to shove their faces into the blades to get some peace and quiet.”

“I feel like that’s the opposite of what yoga is supposed to do for the tranquil mind.” Emily pressed her lips together into a smirk.

“What about you? How are you?” Alison asked.

“I still feel a little off…” Emily admitted. “Sometimes I don’t feel like me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I…I mean, not visually…” Though that was taking some getting used to as well. “It’s like…I feel like a passenger in my own body, like just part of my brain works. And I feel…I don’t know…disconnected. Like I don’t belong.”

“You do though. You belong.” Alison touched her arm. “You belong with me. I know it’s hard. But Nate said it was going to get better. This is all going to get better.”

“I know. It’s just irritating.” Emily pulled the ice pack off of her face and moved her other hand up to the cut and ran her fingertip across it. She faced Alison. “How does it look?”

“Like you got into a fight with the bathroom sink.” Alison traced her fingers below the tiny cut. It was bruised, but not badly.

“I can’t believe that I’m _more_ clumsy _with_ my sight.” Emily had a sheepish look on her face.

“You weren’t dizzy or anything, were you?” Alison asked.

“No. I just didn’t have the best control over my footing and I don’t have all my muscle strength back yet, so when I slipped I just kind of lost control of everything. I didn’t even realize I’d hit my face until I was on the bathroom floor.”

“How does it feel?” Alison asked.

“I’ve had worse.”

Without saying a word Alison leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the cut, which was still cool from the icepack. Emily smiled sweetly at her. Alison cherished the smile. She cherished everything about her. Before everything had come to a head with Emily’s cancer, she didn’t know it was possible to love her any more than she already did. But after everything they’d been through she found that her heart grew more for Emily each day. And Emily didn’t miss it.

“Have you always looked at me like that?” Emily asked.

“Like what?”

Emily smiled at her again. Alison looked at her with such love, like she was looking at her for the first time, every time.

“I could always feel it, but seeing it is so different.”

“What do you mean?” Alison asked.

“Before…when I couldn’t see…I could always tell when you were looking at me. It’s hard to explain. I just felt…warm. I always knew. You have this energy.” She closed her eyes and she could still feel Alison looking at her. “Everything felt brighter when you looked at me.” She moved her hand up to Alison’s cheek and moved closer to her face before she opened her eyes. It took her breath away every time she saw Alison’s sparkling crystal colored eyes looking back at her with such warmth and affection. “You always looked at me so sincerely and so full of love. You looked at me like I was your heart.”

“Because you are.” She traced Emily’s jaw line with one hand. “I look at you and I see our future.” Alison laced the fingers of her other hand in between Emily’s fingers. “I see you smiling…laughing. Or humming. Or just…breathing. Just you being you. It doesn’t really matter what you’re doing. Because I look at you and I just think ‘God, I love her. I love her so much’. I didn’t know a love like this was possible.”

Emily’s cheeks flushed and she looked at Alison bashfully. Alison treasured her modesty. There was something so innocent and genuine about it. This was a girl she’d seen naked and she _still_ flushed when Alison gushed about her.

 _She is so cute._ _Does she know how cute she is? Does she know how much I love her? How much I cherish her?_

“What?” Emily didn’t miss Alison staring at her.

“Marry me.” Alison blurted out before she could stop herself.

Emily shook her head and laughed.

“I can barely walk to the bathroom. You expect me to walk down the aisle?” she asked.

“We can bring the ceremony to you.”

“Ali, we’re only 18.”

“So what? In olden times we’d be considered old spinsters if we weren’t married by now.”

“In olden times we would have been stoned to death for even looking at one another suggestively. Besides, people in olden times didn’t live to be 18.”

“All the more reason to get married now. I’ll be nineteen in a few weeks. I might die of old age soon.”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, but no.” Emily declined.

“You know I’m going to keep asking you, right?”

“Ask to your heart’s content.” Emily shrugged.

Alison rolled her eyes at Emily’s obstinacy.

“Fine. Be stubborn. But I hope you know that I can be just as determined as you are.”

“I look forward to it.”

Alison smiled. There was that cool nature that made her feel weak in the knees. That indifference that had drawn her in like a force of gravity. When she first met her it had left her with a feeling of desperation…to know more, to find out everything about her. She’d been obsessed with Emily Fields, not understanding what the girl was doing to her heart. Now she had her, heart and all.

She ran her index finger against Emily’s jaw and then placed a soft kiss where she’d traced her fingernail.

Emily’s phone went off, interrupting the moment. Alison was used to it. She recognized the tone. It was the reminder feature, something Emily had been using a lot lately. She still had trouble keeping things straight sometimes. Emily looked at the phone.

“I’ve got to call the hospital…” Emily sat up.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just promised Nate I’d call him so I could facetime with Lily.”

“How is she doing?” Alison asked.

“The last treatment didn’t take, so they’re starting again from scratch. But she’s still Lily.” She held the phone in her hand.

Her fingers were shaking and her grip on the phone was loose. Alison reached out to help steady it. She let Emily hit the “call” button. Nate said a quick hello before Lily grabbed the phone from him.

“Hi, Emmy!”

“Hi, Lovebug!” Emily smiled.

“I miss you.”

“I know. I miss you, too.”

“Will you tell me the story about the two princesses and the superhero?”

Emily felt her body tense up, because she didn’t remember it. Alison noticed her discomfort.

“Remind me how that one goes…” Emily tried to get Lily to start to see if it might jog her memory.

“Um…I don’t a’member…” She chewed on her lip.

“I do.” Alison interjected.

She glanced at Emily to make sure it was okay for her to take over. Emily nodded. Alison immediately launched into the story. Emily jumped in a few times and the two of them weaved a tale together that made Lily giggle uncontrollably.

They spent almost half an hour on the phone with her before they had to say goodbye. Emily was exhausted afterwards. She wouldn’t say it out loud, but she was still really sore from her fall.

“I love that little goofball.” Emily yawned.

“She seems to be in really good spirits.”

“She always is.”

“She gets it from you.” Alison rubbed Emily’s arm.

Alison didn’t remember much about what was said in the whirlwind in the hospital, but she remembered Hanna telling her how resilient Lily was, because of Emily.

“Actually, I think it might be the other way around.” Emily replied. “She’s been nothing but determined since the day she was brought into the ER. She gave Nate a black eye with a rattle once.” She chuckled. Alison watched her light up as she talked about the little girl. “She reminded me that we aren’t born knowing about good and bad in our lives.” She peered at Alison. “If we don’t know what fear is, we don’t have anything to be afraid of. If all we know is love, that’s what we’ll put back into the world.”

“I’m just thankful my world has you in it.” Alison laid her head against Emily’s shoulder. She felt Emily lean over to kiss the top of her head.

They both smiled. Emily didn’t say much else. Her head was throbbing from the fall. After a while, Alison glanced at the clock.

“Are you hungry? I brought Chinese.”

“No. Not really.” Emily shook her head. “My mouth is really dry though.”

Alison quickly rushed off to get her something to drink. By the time she got back with her water Emily was asleep. Alison sighed and put the water down before climbing under the covers with her.

As she watched her slow rhythmic breathing she thought about how thankful she was to have Emily. She knew that her recovery was going to be an ongoing thing, but she was more than willing to be a part of it. Because she had her girlfriend back, and that’s all that she could ask for.

The next several weeks were rocky, especially given that Emily’s father was being shipped back to his base overseas. His leave of absence had expired.

Emily was upset, but she understood. Alison and Hanna were both devastated to see him go. He’d been the rock when Emily was sick. When he was leaving for the airport Hanna shed tears and hugged him. She cried harder than Emily did.

“I don’t want you to go.” Hanna rubbed her eyes, smearing her mascara.

“I know. But it’s the army, kid.”

“What if we just hid out from them for a while? Maybe they would forget about you.” Hanna suggested.

“That would be considered desertion. It rarely works out.” Emily reminded her friend.

Hanna sighed. She hugged Wayne again.

“Watch your six out there.”

“You do the same.” Wayne replied.

He moved in front of Alison. He knew she wasn’t overly-affectionate and shied away from physical contact sometimes, so he let her make the first move. Alison didn’t hesitate. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. In just a few short months she’d gotten closer to Wayne than she’d ever been to her own father.

“Thank you,” Alison said. Weeks ago she would have felt weird being this close to Emily’s dad, but now it felt like the most natural thing in the world. “For everything.”

She pulled back and smiled at him. He smiled back. His warm nature was exactly like Emily’s.

“You take care of my baby girl.”

“I will. I promise.”

“And take care of yourself, too,” he reminded her. He’d seen how frantic and manic she’d become when Emily was hospitalized. He leaned in for another hug and lowered his voice so it could just be between the two of them. “Remember, it’s okay if you’re not okay. No shame in it.”

“I know.”

“You know, I always wanted another daughter.” He smiled. “You’re part of the family. I hope you know that.”

Alison smiled. She was hoping to make it official one day. If she could get her stubborn girlfriend to say yes to her proposal.

“Em?” Wayne looked at his daughter.

“Yeah.” She nodded, knowing exactly what he was asking of her.

They’d always communicated quietly. Even when she couldn’t see. They’d read one another well since Emily was a little girl. He didn’t have to say anything else. She followed him out on to the porch so they could have a few minutes alone.

“I’m really going miss you, dad.”

“Me too.” He reached up and straightened a stray hair. “I know it’s been a tough couple of months. But you’ve handled it like a champ. I’m proud of you. You’ve got more strength and courage than I could ever pretend to have.” He lovingly swiped her cheek with his index finger.

“Daaad…” Emily turned away sheepishly.

“I mean it. You’re like your old man. You don’t quit. And normally, that’s a trait that comes in handy in life. But you just went through some major trauma. It’s okay to go slow. Don’t push yourself, baby. Take your time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s my girl.” He smiled.

“I love you.” She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him.

When she pulled back she had tears in her eyes. He reached up and placed both of his thumbs underneath her eyes to catch the tears before they fell. He cupped her cheeks in his hands.

“I love you, too, Emmy.” He kissed her forehead and then smiled at her. “You take care of your Ma. And let her take care of you, too.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it, Emily,” he said. “Don’t try to do this on your own. I don’t want to hear anything about any more secrets. If something happens…or even if you’re just having a tough time, don’t keep us in the dark. Your mother and I are here for you. And we’re not the only ones.” He glanced towards the front window, where he was certain a pair of curious eyes were watching from behind the blinds. “Don’t be afraid to let Alison in.”

“She tells me that you and mom were her saving grace when I was in the coma.”

“I haven’t seen someone love anyone that much since I fell in love with your Ma. You hold on to her. The love that the two of you have doesn’t come twice in a lifetime.”

Emily smiled. She had come a long way with her parents. For the longest time she’d hidden who she really was, because she was afraid they wouldn’t love her anymore. But they had accepted her…and they had fallen in love with her girlfriend.

Saying goodbye to her dad wasn’t easy, but she understood that he had a job to do. She was used to the goodbyes, but it still hurt to see him go. She was more than appreciative that his commanding officer had let him be with her in the hospital.

Emily took her dad’s advice. She took things slowly. It was hard for her. She hated not having complete control of her body. It had been one thing when she’d lost her vision. That was something completely out of her control, but it was something she had been prepared for, so she _felt_ in control.

But she couldn’t predict how she was going to do from a day to day basis with her post-surgical complications.

Sometimes she tired out easily. Alison would give her sponge baths on the days that she was particularly weak and winded. She had multiple daily exercises she had to do, physical and mental. Some of the physical tasks were painful. Some of the mental tasks were tedious. But she did everything she was supposed to do and more, day after day and week after week. And she started to improve.

It was by no means easy, though her family and friends did everything they could to help. She was fortunate to be surrounded by a loving and supportive family. Her road to recovery was grueling and tiresome.

The seizures were the hardest for Alison to get used to. Fortunately, they weren’t like her previous seizures where she lost all control and spasmed uncontrollably. Her seizures were absence seizures. Sometimes she would black out in the middle of something and just stare blankly without responding to anything. She never remembered them and it didn’t hinder her from doing whatever she was doing before the seizure started.

She also had blackouts where she’d get confused about her surroundings. Oftentimes she wouldn’t remember who she was or what she was doing. But they usually lasted less than a minute. One time she had one when they were at lunch with their friends.

Aria had been in the middle of entertaining everyone about her first year at Hollis University with Ezra.

“Needless to say, I did _not_ get my mom’s kitchen savvy. Apparently putting water on a grease fire makes it worse. I almost blew the dorm up trying to make pancakes with that hot plate.”

“Careful Aria. They’re going to revoke your visitation rights. You don’t want to be blacklisted from Hollis before you’ve even had the chance to apply.” Emily chuckled.

Emily realized right after she said it that something didn’t feel right about it, but she couldn’t tell why. Her eyes narrowed in confusion.

Everyone at the table glanced at one another. Spencer opened her mouth to correct her, but Aria nudged her and shook her head. The last thing they wanted to do was make her feel ostracized or ashamed.

Ace sat up and started to whine. Alison braced herself for a blackout. Alison gently put her hand on top of Emily’s and snaked her fingers in between hers. Emily stared blankly at their hands for a few seconds. For a brief moment she didn’t recognize Alison’s hand…or her own.

Emily watched as Alison rolled circles against the side of her hand with her thumb. Something about the motion sparked a memory in her. She’d felt it before. It was a gentle reminder that they’d been through hell and back and were still standing. It brought her back to reality. She looked up at her friends.

“What?” Emily noticed the tension. After a few seconds she recognized the looks on their faces. “Oh,” she said quietly. “I…I did it again, didn’t I?” Her jaw tightened. “Sorry. My memory is still…fuzzy sometimes.”

“It’s fine, Em.” Toby put his hand on top of his cousin’s hand. “I mean, I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.”

“Yeah.” Hanna agreed. “In some ways I _wish_ I could forget certain things. Like…” Her brain needled her desperately for a memory, “A certain long distance motel phone _conversation_ between a girl and her bunny flannel-wearing girlfriend.”

“Hanna!” Emily completely forgot her embarrassment. “You swore you’d never tell!”

The awkward break in the conversation from Emily’s lapse was officially over. Spencer laughed so loud her cackling echoed throughout the restaurant.

“And who was this some _bunny_?” Ezra questioned with a laugh, eyeing Alison.

“Dude.” Caleb frowned, getting secondhand embarrassment just _hearing_ the pun. “I’m revoking your man card for that.”

“Worth it.” Ezra shrugged and tossed a bite-sized pizza bagel into his mouth.

“Dude bakes muffins and brings flan to frat parties. Like he had a man card to begin with?” Toby teased.

“You’re just mad that I won’t give you the recipe for my salted caramel cheesecake.” Ezra grinned.

“Whatever, _Golden Girl_.” Caleb couldn’t help but continue to bust his balls.

“I would be so lucky to be in their company.” Ezra refused to be offended. “I consider myself to be a Sophia.”

“A wise-ass who bakes.” Hanna nodded. “Yeah, it fits.”

“No way. If _anyone_ is the Sophia, it’s me.” Toby disagreed.

“You’re way too tall. And surly.” Caleb shook his head. “You’re a total Dorothy.”

There was a beat of silence and then Toby looked at Ezra.

“I am _not_ calling you ‘Ma’.” Toby made a face.

They all chuckled.

“So, are we just going to ignore this thing about Alison and her Peter Cottontail pjs?” Aria giggled.

“I wear my bunnies with pride, thank you very much.” Alison flipped her hair with a confident look on her face.

Hanna reached over and subtly rubbed Emily’s arm. Emily smiled appreciatively at her. She could always count on Hanna to kill anything awkward. The rest of their lunch went by fine, but Emily stayed quiet. She watched her friends interacting and talking about what they were up to.

She couldn’t stop thinking about their friends and where they were all at in life. Aria and Ezra were buckling down in college. Hanna and Caleb had been traveling in his old foster brother’s RV. Hanna had a part time job as an online fashion assistant to a consultant. It worked out perfectly, because she could travel with her boyfriend, but she also felt fulfilled doing something she loved.

Spencer was interning for a huge political campaign in Harrisburg. She was on a fast-track in her freshman year. The internship was something that was usually reserved for juniors, but she’d really killed it the interview.

Toby was auditing a class in Public Health at the University of Maryland being taught by one of the guys running his internship. He had an interest in health and science because of everything Emily had gone through. The distance was a little hard on Spencer and Toby, but they made it work. They were very laid back and casual in their relationship.

When Alison and Emily got back to Emily’s house they sat down on her living room couch. Emily’s head was still spinning from all of the activity. She loved catching up with her friends, but it was bittersweet. Because she knew that Alison had put her life on hold for her. She reached out and took Alison’s hand.

“I’m sorry we’re not in school.” Emily bit her lip.

“What?” Alison questioned in confusion. _Where did THAT come from?_

“I’m sorry we’re not out living our lives yet. I thought…I mean, I just assumed by now we’d be in school or…or traveling, or working. Or doing normal things like everyone else…”

“We’re not like everyone else.” Alison didn’t skip a beat. “Besides, I don’t care what I’m doing, as long as I’m with you. I know we’ll get there.” Alison kissed her cheek. “Baby steps.”

“I know.” Emily sighed. “But I still feel guilty. All I wanted for you was a normal life. It’s why I waited so long to tell you. I didn’t want you to miss out because of me. I know you wanted to travel and see the world and get crazy in college.”

“I wanted to do all of that with _you_.” Alison reminded her. “I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere.”

“It might be a while.”

“Love doesn’t have an expiration date.” Alison shrugged.

Her response filled Emily’s heart with a passion that pumped through her veins like a warm sunny day. She moved her hand up to Alison’s face and cupped her cheek and smiled at her before moving in for a kiss. Their lips met softly, but moved into a more heated embrace.

Emily closed her eyes and she could feel every kiss they’d ever had pulsing through her. She concentrated on the feel of Alison’s soft plump lips against hers. Alison laid her palm against the side of Emily’s neck and melted into the motion, their lips dancing together like they were sculpted to be entwined forever.

Then she opened her eyes and found Alison’s eyes peering right at her. And she could feel it in her soul. Alison felt Emily’s lips curl into a smile when their eyes met. Emily could never get enough of seeing her girlfriend. And Alison couldn’t get enough of Emily seeing her.

It was strange. Before Alison met Emily she had dreams about seeing the world. But now she realized that she didn’t have to go anywhere to see the world. Because the world was the girl right in front of her. And she could see her any time she wanted.

“You’re so pretty.” Alison grinned like an idiot.

Emily shook her head and started laughing.

“I’m serious.” Alison moved forward, pressing her body against Emily’s and gripping her side.

Alison poked one of her ticklish spots between her ribs and made Emily laugh harder. They fell into another kiss, this one with less urgency. When they pulled away Alison pressed her forehead against Emily’s and looked directly into her eyes.

“Marry me.”

Emily rolled her eyes with an amused smile still on her face and then she kissed Alison again.

“You’re relentless.” Emily hummed against her lips.

“I’m Alison DiLaurentis. I always get what I want.”

“You have me, Ali.” Emily threaded her fingers through Alison’s soft blonde hair. “You had me the second you sat down on that park bench.”

“God, I was so nervous.” Alison laughed.

“I could tell.” Emily admitted. “I wasn’t sure you were the same Alison DiLaurentis that made Rosewood High quake in fear. It was cute the way you kept getting tongue-tied.”

“You still make me nervous.” Alison leaned against her. “You still make me feel like that bumbling mess. I’d never felt that before the day I met you. But I look at you…I see you and I _still_ get butterflies.”

“ _I_ give the unshakable Alison ‘relentless’ DiLaurentis butterflies?”

“Every time.” Alison smiled.

“Even right now?” Emily wrapped her arms around Alison.

“ _Especially_ right now.”

“Yeah?” Emily gripped Alison’s side and tickled her.

“Yeah.” Alison laughed. “Your grip feels like it’s getting stronger.” She looked up at Emily. “You doing your exercises?”

“Mmhmm. But I can think of a few more exercises that could use some practice.” Emily lifted her brows mischievously.

“Oh, well…let me help you.” Alison grinned suggestively.

She curled her knees up on to the couch and moved to straddle Emily. She grabbed one of Emily’s hands and moved it up her shirt, smiling at her. Emily glanced down and then looked back up at Alison with a look of passion in her eyes. Alison watched as her pupils slowly started to dilate.

“You are so beautiful.” Emily leaned up to kiss her.

She could see the desire in Alison’s eyes. It was moments like this that made Emily forget everything she’d been through. Just looking into Alison’s eyes made her feel like everything was going to be okay.

“And you…” Alison pecked her lips, “…are perfect.” She kissed her again.

“So, this is what the rest of our life is going to be like, huh?” Emily asked.

“Just wait until you’re fully recovered.” Alison pressed a kiss against the underside of her right ear. “The things I’m going to do to you…”

Emily gently nuzzled her nose against Alison’s cheek and breathed a burst of hot air against her ear as she whispered,

“Tell me.”

Alison grinned and bit her lip, her face flushing. It made Emily’s heart tighten in her chest.

“You’re so cute when you’re frazzled.” Emily teased her. “Is it those butterflies again?”

“More like giant directionally-challenged birds.” Alison pushed her forehead against Emily’s. “It still doesn’t feel real sometimes.”

“I know.” Emily nodded in understanding. “Every time I wake up and see the sunlight on your face I feel like it’s a dream.”

“I never thought I could be this happy. I…I never thought I deserved to be this happy. But here we are, together. _Alive_. And we have the rest of our lives to enjoy it.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. Her thoughts seemed a little distant. She was quiet for a few seconds as she ran her fingers through Alison’s hair. “What do you want to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…what’s next? Where do you want to go from here?”

“Well, we could…”

“Not _we_. _You_. What do _you_ want? You’ve put yourself aside for so long. And I want you to do the things _you_ want to do. I mean, I kinda screwed up your first year of college…”

“You didn’t screw up anything.” Alison quickly cut her off. “I think maybe things were supposed to work out like this. I had a lot of time to think in the hospital. And I realized that college isn’t the _only_ thing in the world.”

“You don’t want to go to school?”

“No. I do,” Alison said. “I just have some things I want to do first. I’d actually like to travel. Get out of town for a while. See the world. I’ve got enough money to burn for the both of us. What about you?”

“I don’t know.” Emily replied. “Honestly, I’m just trying to take it a day at a time.”

Which is exactly what she’d promised her father she’d do. She didn’t want to push herself, but at the same time she was starting to get cabin fever. Sometimes she felt like she’d never get back to normal.

It took six months for her to get to a point where she was getting around without an issue and where she was starting to feel like herself again.

When she felt well enough she took Alison’s ideas about traveling to heart. She suggested that they take a trip to Europe. Getting the “all clear” from Nate had actually been a lot easier than getting the “all clear” from her mother.

Pam knew that Emily was going to do what she wanted, but she had some concerns about her traveling, especially so far away from home. Emily assured her she would be fine. And Alison promised she wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

True to her word, Alison was very attentive to Emily’s needs. They hadn’t even boarded the plane before Alison was asking if she needed anything. By the time they had boarded Alison was nearly bouncing off of the walls. She was jittery in her seat.

Emily reached out and touched her knee, stilling her motions.

“You nervous?” Emily asked.

“No.” Alison sounded insulted. “I’ve flown before.”

“Babe, we’re not even in the air and we’re already experiencing turbulence because you’re rocking the whole plane.”

“It’s just…it’s a long flight…”

“Aww, someone is cranky. You want me to get you some apple juice and some cookies?”

“Shut up.” Alison laughed and pushed her shoulder.

“Maybe a coloring book?”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

Alison rolled her eyes, but then her face softened and she smiled. Emily touched her arm gently.

“Seriously, what’s up?” Emily asked. “You’re not usually this nervous. You’ve been taking your anxiety meds, right?”

“Yeah. It’s not…I’m not…I’m not nervous about the flight. I’m just worried about you…” She put her hand on top of Emily’s. “Are you doing okay? It’s a long trip. And I just…don’t want anything to happen while we’re 30,000 feet in the air. Have you been doing okay? Have you had any headaches or flashes?”

“I’m good.”

“Your nausea meds?”

“Took them before we got on the plane.” She squeezed Alison’s hand.

“I still think we should have arranged for Ace to come.”

Ace knew Emily’s triggers and he always alerted others to when Emily was about to have a problem. Alison had seen him do it the first time she’d had a seizure. And since she’d been released from the hospital he had been in tune to her micro-seizures and her memory lapses.

“Relax, Ali. Nate wouldn’t have cleared me for travel if he thought it was dangerous.”

“I guess you’re right…”

“No. I _am_ right. He has the medical degree, remember?” Emily asked.

“Yeah, well…he also has someone who has him under her thumb. He loves you and doesn’t want to disappoint you.”

“His medicine has always come first. He’d never jeopardize my health. No matter how much I bribed him…” She smiled jokingly. “Which reminds me…we owe him a vintage Italian hot rod, by the way.”

“You’re not funny.” Alison scowled at her.

“I’m a little funny.”

Emily leaned over and kissed Alison, which calmed some of the blonde’s nerves. It didn’t take much to make her putty in Emily’s hands. A look here. A kiss there. She was head over heels.

Alison settled into her seat and the flight took off without any problems. Emily peered out the window, her shaded prescription glasses taking in the light so the sunlight wouldn’t damage her eyes.

She watched the ground getting smaller and smaller. It had been a long time since she’d seen the view of the sky above the clouds. Alison watched her with a smile on her face. She’d given Emily the window seat because she wanted her to see everything.

It was only when the flight attendant came by with the food and drink cart that Emily looked away from the window. The flight attendant handed Alison a tiny square napkin.

“Can I get you something to drink?” The woman asked. “We have water, ginger ale, and apple juice.”

Emily looked at Alison. She knew Alison didn’t want water and she didn’t like ginger ale. That only left one option. After a beat Alison mumbled,

“Apple juice.”

“Sorry, hon, you’re going to have to speak up. What was that?” The flight attendant asked.

“I want apple juice,” she said loudly.

Emily chuckled. Alison turned and frowned at her girlfriend.

“Not one word.” Alison warned her.

Emily smiled at her and leaned over the armrest to kiss her.

“Don’t forget the cookies,” Emily replied.

“You little smart-ass.” But she couldn’t be mad at her.

The first stop on their trip was Italy.

A familiar face met them at the airport. Alison squealed when she saw her best friend standing in the lobby coolly examining her nails while looking completely bored with her surroundings.

“Cece!” Alison called out across the lobby.

Cece looked up and waved. They walked over to meet one another. Cece and Alison hugged. Over Alison’s shoulder, Cece saw Emily lower her glasses and peer at them with a tight expression on her face. The last time she’d seen Emily she’d been in a hospital bed. She’d talked to Alison a bit about her recovery, but to actually see Emily up and getting around was something else entirely.

“Cece.” Emily smiled politely, but she didn’t make any moves to shake her hand or say hello otherwise. She kept her eyes on the blonde.

Alison didn’t miss it. She found it incredibly hot. Emily was usually fairly laid back. Emily’s bravado gave her a layer of sex appeal in Alison’s eyes. She found it really appealing to know that Emily felt the need to protect their relationship.

“Emily.” Cece waved. “Good to see you up and moving.”

“Yeah, I’ve been working on getting my strength back up.” Emily held the stoic expression on her face.

“Not going to make good on that ass-kicking, are you?” Cece asked.

“It wouldn’t be a very good tactic to tell you when I’m going to strike.” Emily smiled.

“You two play nice.” Alison warned. Though internally she secretly loved seeing the two of them vying for her affection. “Or at least wait until we’re by a body of water so I can shove you in and watch you splash around in wet t-shirts.”

“You’ll find plenty of water here.” Cece moved to take the lead, slowly walking towards the door. She faced Alison. “But if you push me into _any_ water and ruin _this_ work of art…” She motioned to her hair, “I will sell you to the mafia.”

Alison didn’t snipe back at her, because she was quite sure that with her connections Cece probably actually did know someone in the mafia.

“Thank you for helping us put this trip together.” Emily reached out and took Alison’s hand.

Alison looked down at their hands and smiled. She leaned against Emily.

“ _Prego._ ” Cece shrugged like it was no big deal.

“Isn’t that a spaghetti sauce?” Alison asked.

“I see French is still the only language in your repertoire. _Prego_ means ‘you’re welcome’ you uncultured royal pain.” Cece rolled her eyes and put her sunglasses on.

“I guess I need to take another look at that tour guide booklet.” There were a few phrases she’d been meaning to learn.

“Sweetie, life is your tour guide.” Cece opened the doors. “You learn as you go.”

They walked out into the parking lot. Emily took her time looking at all of their surroundings. Alison had learned to slow down and smell the roses thanks to Emily. She appreciated the little things.

Cece took them to one of her favorite eateries for a light lunch. They spent most of the day on the water, touring the city. Then she took them back to a charming little condo overlooking The Grand Canal in Venice. Alison took one look at the view out the window and turned to her best friend in shock. _This_ was the life Cece was living overseas while she wilted away in dingy little Rosewood?

“Holy shit. Who did you kill to make this happen?”

“If I told you that I’d have to kill you, too.” Cece winked.

“You sound like a bad walking cliche.” Alison gave her a hard time.

“Are you sure you don’t mind us crashing with you?” Emily asked.

“Mi villa is su villa, though I’m going to be in and out, so it’ll mostly be su villa.”

“Wait a second. You’re giving us free rein?” Alison asked in surprise. “What’s the catch? Need us to deliver a package or…cover something up or…”

“Chill. You two are here to have fun. Let me take care of the logistics.” Cece held her hands up, palms forward. “It’s the least I can do for moving in on you when you were hot for Emily. Just let loose and enjoy the ride.”

Alison couldn’t stop looking at the view of the large open river below them. It almost looked like she could just dive right in, though every single sign and tour book advised against it.

The sun was setting, leaving a trail of bright vivid colors along the water. The sky was a mixture of a deep orange and purple, but the sun was casting a pink hue on the river. She turned around and looked at Cece.

“Seriously, how did you land this place?” Alison questioned.

“I have my ways.”

“What’s her name?” Emily asked dryly.

“Now, now, I don’t kiss and tell.” Cece grabbed her coat off of the rack.

“As long as the kissing you’re doing isn’t with _my_ girl.” Emily put her arm around Alison and pulled her close.

It was a subliminal sign…that outright told Cece that Alison was off-limits. Cece found it amusing. And a little intimidating considering she wasn’t in a hospital bed anymore.

“I _like_ the new you.” Cece teased Emily. “So sassy.” She laughed. “I’m going to leave you to it. I’ve got places to go and people to…see.” She’d almost slipped up and said “screw”. Alison and Emily both knew what she really meant. “You two make yourselves at home. There is food in the fridge. There’s some chilled wine in there, too. Drinking age here is sixteen.” She flashed a smile at them. “Ta, girls.”

Emily and Alison waved to her as she walked out the door. Emily grabbed their bags.

“I’m going to put our things in the bedroom.” Emily tipped the bags on their rollers.

“I’ll see what’s on the menu for tonight.” Alison walked towards the fridge.

“Spoiler alert, it’s you.” Emily lifted her brows mischievously as she disappeared around the corner.

Alison heard her laughing and she smiled. She walked over to the fridge. She opened the door and glanced inside. The first place her eyes landed was on the chilled wine. She grabbed the bottle. She thought it was nice of Cece to go to the trouble for them, but she knew neither one of them were going to drink it.

“Hey, Em?” Alison called out. “I forgot to tell Cece something. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay.”

She grabbed the wine and scurried out the door, hoping she could catch Cece before she was out of the building. She caught her near the front door.

“Cece! Wait up!” Alison exclaimed.

Cece spun around on her heels.

“Hey, what’s up? You find the cameras I’m using to spy on you already?” Cece teased.

“Very funny.” Alison rolled her eyes.

She paused and thought about it. It would be just like her best friend to do something like that. Then again, that would require work. And Cece hated work.

“You’re kidding, right?” Alison eyed her suspiciously.

“Who knows?” Cece threw her hands up with a smile. She saw the wine in Alison’s hand. “So, is the wine not good enough, your Majesty?”

“Oh, no. It’s not that. I just wanted you to take it with you. It shouldn’t go to waste.” Alison held the bottle out to Cece. “Emily isn’t supposed to drink with her meds…at least not for a while…”

“Oh, shit. I forgot. I’m sorry.” Cece frowned. “You could still drink it.”

“I’d feel bad drinking in front of her. Emily would say I’m being ridiculous.”

“You _are_ being ridiculous,” Cece replied. “But that’s nothing new.” She glanced at the wine bottle. “Oh, well. More for me, I suppose.”

“It was a nice gesture.”

“I have my moments.” Cece shrugged. “There’s some sparkling cider in the mini fridge in the bedroom if you want to feel fancy.”

“Thanks.” Alison smiled. “And thanks again for helping us plan this.”

“It’s no big. I’m glad she’s doing better. She’s come a really long way.” Cece glanced at the door. “I thought for sure that she was a goner.”

“What?” Alison was surprised to hear it. “That’s not what you said back at the hospital.”

“Sometimes you have to fake it to make it. I told you what you needed to hear at the time.”

“So…you lied?”

“More like…I _hoped_. For you. For her.”

“ _You_? Hope?” Alison asked in shock.

“Hope is what you have when you’ve got nothing else,” Cece explained. “I had to believe in something better. For you. You didn’t see you from my perspective, Alison. I was really worried about you. You were _so_ far gone.”

“I guess I never really thought about that.” Alison realized.

“Yeah. It was intense. How are you holding up, kid?”

“Better.” Alison smiled. “Emily makes sure I’m not skipping my anxiety medications and she gets on me if I go into a spiral.”

“As she should.” Cece nodded in approval.

There was a lull in the conversation. Alison glanced at her feet for a few seconds and then faced Cece again.

“Listen, I know I don’t really throw this term around a lot, but after everything that happened in Baltimore I realized I need to say it more to the people I care about…” She looked at Cece and gnawed on her lip nervously. “I love you. And I know you have an aversion to that word and I…”

“I love you, too, Ali.” Cece cut her off.

Alison was stunned by what she would consider an emotion coming from her apathetic best friend.

“Oh, don’t look so shocked. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have your needy ass in my life.” Cece teased. “You’re a pain, but you keep life interesting.”

Alison moved forward to give her a hug. Cece tensed up at first, but then she leaned into it. She pat Alison’s back.

“Don’t get used to this… _sentimental_ shit.” Cece pulled away. “I only have enough energy to say that maybe once every ten years. So I’ll catch you in another decade or so.”

“You’re such an asshole.” Alison shook her head with a laugh.

“And you’re a pussy.”

“You are what you eat.” Alison bit back with a smile.

Cece couldn’t help but grin in pride. Her sassy little foul-mouthed bestie had bested her. She rolled her eyes.

“Go do dirty things with your girlfriend.” Cece waved her away.

They said their goodbyes and Alison walked back to the condo. When she stepped back inside she heard water running. At first she thought Emily was in the shower, but then she heard rustling around in the kitchen. She walked into the kitchen and saw Emily bent over staring into the refrigerator.

“What are you doing?” Alison asked curiously.

“I think I’m going to make us some risotto for dinner. It looks like we have everything we need…”

“It’s been a long day. Why don’t we just order a pizza?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Emily looked over her shoulder at Alison with a smile.

“What’s that noise?” Alison questioned.

“I’m drawing you a hot bath.” Emily shut the refrigerator and walked over to Alison. She pulled her in for a kiss.

“Em, you know you don’t have to do all this for me.”

“You spent months taking care of me. It’s my turn to take care of you.” She kissed Alison’s forehead.

“You’re sweet. But I don’t want you to overdo it.”

“I’m fine, Alison.” Emily smiled. “Now go. Relax. I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”

Alison wasn’t going to argue with her. When she walked into the bathroom she could smell the lavender bath salts Emily had packed. There was a glass of sparkling cider sitting on a tray next to the bathtub. There was a single rose in a vase next to the cider. There were a few cheeses laid out as well. It was everything Alison could have asked for in a dream vacation.

For the next two days, Emily spoiled her every chance she got. She gave her massages. She cooked their meals. And she tended to her every need.

The third night Alison convinced her to join her in the bath. Emily found a sweet little romantic set-up when she walked into the bathroom. Alison had lined the tub with rose petals and placed several candles around the bathroom to give them mood lighting. She had two glasses of sparkling cider and a glass bowl filled with strawberries sitting next to the lavender scented water.

Emily smiled at Alison and took her robe off. Emily caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her eyes unable to avoid the scars from all of her hospital visits. She moved to shield some of her scars. Alison stopped her. She ran her thumb across the tattooed blemish on her collar bone, making Emily feel less self-conscious.

Emily lifted Alison’s chin and lightly kissed her lips before climbing into the warm bath. Alison took her robe off to join her. She sat in Emily’s lap, her back pressed against Emily’s front. Emily blew a hot breath against her ear and then kissed the tip of her earlobe while she gently started to massage her shoulders.

They could see the steam of the water rising up around them. Alison curved her neck and turned her head, her eyes meeting Emily’s from the corner of her face. Emily moved forward and captured her lips. When they pulled apart Alison sighed and laid her head against Emily’s shoulder.

Emily reached for a strawberry. She dipped it into some melted chocolate and then curled her arm around Alison and offered it to her. Alison moved slightly to the side so she could watch Emily’s face as she placed her lips against the tip of the strawberry and started sucking on it. She bit into it, keeping her eyes locked on Emily’s as she did so.

She pulled Emily’s fingers into her mouth as she finished off the strawberry. She watched as Emily’s eyes darkened in lust. Emily pulled her back into her lap and moved her hair aside to kiss the back of her neck. Her hands traced Alison’s sides and her fingers splayed out against her hips under the water. She continued to press delicate kisses against the back of Alison’s neck as her fingers rolled over the front of her pelvis.

Alison could feel the scorching heat of Emily’s skin against hers even in the hot water. Emily drew circles against her inner thighs before slowly moving her fingers between her legs. Alison tilted her head back and closed her eyes and huffed out a sigh of pleasure. She turned her cheek and Emily leaned over to meet her for a kiss. Alison moved her arm up over her head at an angle, grasping at the back of Emily’s neck as she tried to concentrate on her heart fluttering in her chest.

Emily reached for another strawberry and held it against her lips and Alison automatically took it in her mouth, sucking until she tasted the the rich delectable juice. She enclosed her lips around Emily’s fingers, her hot tongue swirling against Emily’s fingertips as she got lost in their motions.

After she finished the strawberry she turned until she was facing Emily, straddling her legs in the water. She pressed her chest against Emily’s and moved her pelvis down roughly. Emily bit her lip and closed her eyes when she felt their bodies connect. Seconds later she felt Alison’s lips against hers. Alison gently nibbled her bottom lip. Emily grabbed Alison’s hips and helped her move as they slowly found a rhythm.

It wasn’t long before the heat from the water was replaced by the heat of their two bodies moving together, creating a gentle wave that spilled over on to the bathmats on the floor. Their kisses became quick and frenzied as they tried to outlast one another. It was Alison who caved first. She would have slipped underneath the water had Emily not been holding her up. Her neck arched and she gripped the back of Emily’s head, tangling her fingers into her hair. She moved forward and pressed her forehead against the curve of Emily’s neck, breathing rapidly and heavily against her body. As she came down from it she kissed Emily’s sweaty shoulder.

“God, I _really_ love you,” she uttered against her skin, tasting the salt from her perspiration.

She felt Emily pull her closer and she melted into the shape of her body. She had half a mind to ask Emily to marry her, but her brain wouldn’t form the words. It was too busy soaring on endorphins.

It was only an hour later when they were cuddling on the sofa watching a romance movie with subtitles that Alison’s brain started to become coherent again. She mindlessly watched as Emily traced her right hip bone where her mermaid tattoo was. Emily’s long fingers danced like feathers on her skin as she drew the outline of the tattoo over and over again. Her other hand was lazily laid across Alison’s midriff below her tank top, just centimeters from the trim of her underwear. Alison imagined them slipping down to where she needed her. She felt her thighs pulse. It made her feel like ripping her tank top off and throwing herself down to let Emily ravish her again. She felt Emily pull away and when she looked up she saw her reaching for an empty glass.

“I’m going to get us a refill.” Emily stood up.

Alison paused the movie and peered at her girlfriend, who looked glowingly hot in her matching black bra and panties. Emily took a few steps and Alison stood up to follow her. She watched her lounge around in the kitchen and was entranced by every move she made. How was it possible to love someone doing every day menial tasks?

 _It should be a crime to be that fucking sexy._ Alison smiled as she watched Emily dig around in the refrigerator.

Emily stood up and ran her fingers through her hair and Alison felt all kinds of feelings running through her mind.

“Emily, marry me,” she blurted out.

“No.” Emily shut the refrigerator door.

“I always ask and you always say no.” Alison complained.

“Babe, I’m in my underwear.” Emily laughed.

“All the more reason for us to be spontaneously romantic.” Alison moved over to snuggle against her. She couldn’t get enough of her touch…of her smell.

“You just want to have sex again.” Emily wrapped her arms around Alison.

“Always.” Alison nodded eagerly. “But let’s make it _special_ sex.”

“Every time with you is special.” Emily countered.

“Don’t give me that sappy bullshit. Come on! We’re in Italy.” Alison puffed her lip out in a pout. She gripped Emily’s hands. “ _Sposami_.”

“Asking me in Italian is not going to change my mind.” Emily smiled. She brought Alison’s fingers up to her lips and kissed them. “We used up the last of the sparkling cider. Why don’t you go grab the second bottle from the mini fridge? I’ll get us some tiramisu.” She turned back towards the refrigerator.

“You’re going to say ‘yes’ one day. Even if I have to slip it in mid-orgasm when you’re calling out a chorus of ‘yeses’.” Alison smirked at her as she walked towards the hallway. “ _Oh, YES! Alison, YES!_ ” Alison called out enthusiastically.

Emily giggled so loud that Alison heard it as she was walking into the bedroom. Alison opened the mini-fridge. There were two bottles of sparkling cider left. One was grape and the other was apple.

“You want grape or apple?” Alison asked, reaching for the apple flavored beverage.

“Apple.”

Alison smiled. She knew her so well.

“You sure?” Alison grabbed the bottle.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. Girl who wants to marry me says what?” Alison tried to sneak it in.

“Nice try.” Emily shook her head and chuckled. She grabbed their dessert from the fridge. “I can’t believe you learned how to ask me how to marry you in Italian.”

“I’m committed!” Alison exclaimed from the hallway.

Emily smiled as she put the tiramisu down. She picked up one of the wine glasses, aiming to have it ready for Alison to pour their drinks.

She felt a strange numbness shoot through her spine as Alison was rounding the corner to come back into the kitchen. Her hand started to tremor and the glass slipped through her fingers. It shattered against the ground and Emily jumped at the noise. She jerked, knocking over a plate that was on the counter for the tiramisu.

The loud noises triggered something in her mind. It was the sound of being ripped away from Maya as chaos descended in the hospital. It was the crash of being thrown around in the locker room. It was the gunshots in the library. Her head felt like it was on fire. She saw Alison peering at her. Then everything went black.

Alison noticed the expression on her face. She saw the blackout coming, so she rushed to her side. Emily’s hands were shaking, but the rest of her body was completely still. Her eyes were frozen, looking at nothing in particular. Alison often wondered where her mind went when she zoned out, but Emily always told her she couldn’t remember her blackouts. This one lasted a little longer than usual.

“Em?” She touched her hand.

It was a few seconds before she reacted.

“Hmm?” Emily questioned.

“You okay?”

There was a timid expression in her eyes as she looked around.

“I…I don’t remember what I was doing.” Emily’s face was rigid in confusion.

“It’s okay.” Alison gently reached out to touch her face.

Emily looked around at the unfamiliar setting, her heart pounding. She felt like she should know what was going on, but there was a disconnect in her mind. She looked at Alison. She looked in her eyes, and she felt at home. Her chest was moving up and down rapidly as she tried to keep her panic at bay. She finally settled down, but she still felt lost.

“Where are we?” Emily asked softly.

“Together.” Alison answered. “That’s all that matters.”

Emily nodded. She reached up to touch Alison’s cheek. When the blonde smiled at her, Emily moved in to kiss her. She could still taste the cider on Alison’s lips. Alison breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the passion in Emily’s embrace.

Emily closed her eyes and her memories slowly started flooding her mind, which is usually what happened after an absence seizure. It was slow at first, like she’d never get to the end of the story, but the whole process of coming out of a blackout didn’t last longer than a few seconds.

Everything about their night came trickling back into her mind. She could feel the warmth of the steamy bathwater and softness of Alison’s skin against hers. She remembered Alison shuddering against her and trailing kisses along her neck.

Her racing heart slowed. When she opened her eyes she found Alison looking back at her, patiently waiting. Alison was cradling her cheek with one hand and had the palm of her other hand against Emily’s chest, feeling her pulse.

Even though Emily didn’t really experience anything in the blackouts and she didn’t remember them, she still worried sometimes that one day she’d just get stuck in one. Nate told her it was normal to feel that way, but that absence seizures didn’t work like that. It was just a neurological tic. He’d assured her that plenty of people lived normal lives with them. But she still had irrational fears about having them.

She concentrated on Alison, letting her touch flow freely through her.

“Don’t let me forget, Ali,” Emily said quietly.

“I won’t.” Alison promised.

Emily closed her eyes again and leaned down to let her forehead rest against Alison’s. Smelling the scent of her body helped center her. She opened her eyes again.

“How bad was it?” Emily curled her fingers against Alison’s cheek.

“It was a little longer than normal,” Alison replied. “The glass shattering probably made it worse.” She looked at the mess on the floor.

“I’ll clean it up.” Emily moved back, for the first time realizing that there was broken glass on the floor and they were both barefoot.

“No. I’ll grab a broom and take care of it. You need to sit for a few minutes.” Alison disagreed.

“I feel fine.”

Alison tightened her grip on Emily’s hands.

“Your hands are still shaking, Em. You might have another one and I don’t want you around broken glass if you do.”

“Oh.” Emily realized, looking down. She didn’t realize that her hands were tremoring.

They carefully maneuvered around the glass and over to the small two-person table. Emily sat down and Alison pulled the other chair out and moved it in front of Emily, taking her hands again. They’d stopped shaking.

“Did you take your meds tonight?” Alison asked.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. She rubbed her temples. Though her head didn’t hurt after blacking out, sometimes it felt odd. “I think it was just a freak breakthrough. I haven’t had one in a while.”

“I was starting to think that maybe they were gone for good.” Alison looked disappointed.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.” Emily gripped her fingers softly.

“Nate said it wasn’t impossible…”

“He said it wasn’t impossible for them to become less frequent. He didn’t say anything about them going away completely.”

“Should we call him?” Alison questioned. “Just to make sure it’s normal or…”

“I’m okay, Alison. Really.” Emily smiled. “You know this is just part of it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Alison sighed.

There was a beat of silence. Emily could practically feel Alison’s discomfort.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Emily licked her lips nervously.

“You didn’t.” Alison assured her.

What scared Alison the most wasn’t when Emily disappeared within herself, but the fear that one day she wouldn’t come back. The fact that Emily always remembered made Alison feel better about her blackouts.

She’d had some time to adjust to them over the past several months. But this one had caught her off-guard. Emily had been doing so well and Alison had gotten so comfortable that she almost forgot all of the turmoil they’d been through.

Sometimes she had to remind herself that she couldn’t just forget the past. She knew she needed it to help her navigate the future.

The two of them carried it with them as the days, weeks, and months went on. And even though there were moments that were a little rough, they were happy. It didn’t affect their love at all. They made adjustments in life and…life went on, just like they wanted. They appreciated every day.

They took their time in life, because nothing was more precious to the two of them than spending time together. They traveled, experiencing the beautiful wonder of the world. From Italy, they went to Vienna, Prague, Frankfurt, and then Paris.

Seeing the Eiffel Tower couldn’t compare to what Emily had imagined. The last time she’d been in France with her family when she was a little girl she’d been too sick to visit the city. She’d always had the figurine her dad got her as a souvenir. But this time she got to see it all in person. On their last night there she set a picnic up on a small garden overlooking the tower and they watched the sunset.

They had a few more stops before their trip was finished. They visited Spain, Ireland, England, and then Norway and Sweden before their trip came to an end.

When they got back to Rosewood they talked about getting jobs versus going to school. Alison had an aversion to the idea of working for minimum wage. She’d never had to work for a dime in her life because of her trust fund. She didn’t want Emily to work, because she wanted her to take it easy. Emily argued that Alison’s money wasn’t her money, to which Alison countered,

“It would be if you married me.”

Still, Emily was determined to prove she could make it on her own. She’d never really been able to hold down a job before since she’d been constantly in and out of hospitals. She’d volunteered in the hospital doing odd jobs when she was younger, but her doctors only let her do so much.

Alison didn’t fully understand why Emily wanted to work.

“I told you I can take care of us if you just want to focus on school.” Alison curled against her one night when they were watching a movie.

If she had it her way, Emily would never work a day in her life.

“It’s not just about school, Ali,” Emily said. “I need to build a resume. And establish credit.”

“Why? We don’t need credit. I have more credit cards than the world has people.”

“I know.” Emily kissed her head. And she was thankful for Alison. But she had an inner desire to be normal. “And I appreciate that. I really do. But I have my own goals. And I have things I want to save for…”

“Like what?” She’d go out and buy two of whatever Emily wanted.

Emily laughed. She knew exactly what Alison was thinking. But Alison couldn’t buy the things on her list. Integrity. A work ethic. A feeling of serving the community. Independence to her meant something entirely different than it did to Alison.

“Look, my parents sacrificed everything for me. They gave up so much. And I just…I need to do this. I want to pay them back for everything…”

“Em, I already told you, money isn’t an object.”

“It’s not the money,” Emily sighed. “It’s…” She tried to put it into words. “They raised me to be a certain way. I just want to make them proud.”

Alison smiled at her.

“You have no idea how proud they are of you.” All the conversations she’d had with Emily’s parents in the hospital had proven that time and time again. “You are their world.”

“And I’m trying to build on that world,” Emily said. “I’m trying to build our future.”

She had something in store for Alison that she couldn’t tell her about yet. Because she wasn’t ready.

“Well, you know I’ll support you in whatever you do.” Alison kissed her cheek. “But just so you know, if you get a shitty customer or something I can’t be held accountable for my actions.”

“Understood.” Emily laughed.

Emily searched for a job for a while and she finally managed to land a gig at a community college coffee shop. She planned to enroll in the college to take her core classes. Alison did the same, though she jokingly told Emily she was only enrolling to see her hot barista girlfriend.

Her first day on the job Alison snuck behind the counter and wrote “Marry Me” on a cup with Emily’s name on it. It nearly backfired when Emily almost gave the cup to a customer. She noticed it at the last minute. Alison watched the whole thing unfold and nearly fell out of her chair laughing.

…until the customer caught wind of the message on the cup and slipped Emily her number. Alison quickly pushed her way through the line and walked up to the counter where she loudly called Emily “babe” and leaned over to kiss her before taking the cup with the message on it and turning to the customer and coolly saying,

“This one is mine.”

Emily could have died of embarrassment. Fortunately, she had really cool coworkers and an understanding boss. The best part about the job was the fact that her manager, Samara, was such a dog lover that she brought a bed in for Ace and he had his own little spot near Emily’s station.

Adulthood really started to sink in for the two of them when they leased a small apartment just a few miles from campus. It had been Alison’s idea. She was ready to get away from home. She’d been in that toxic environment far too long.

She had the option of moving in with Emily and her mom, but she didn’t want to crowd Emily’s mom. Of course, Emily knew the real reason she wanted it to be just the two of them…

“You just want to be able to see me naked all the time.” Emily had teased her when she heard Alison was looking at apartments.

“Duh.” Alison didn’t deny it.

Emily thought it was a good idea that they branch out and try to establish some independence. She went with Alison to look at the apartment.

Two weeks later they had moved in together. It was small, but cozy. Their very first night consisted of a take-out meal and a horror movie. Feeling inspired by the messages she saw written on walls and mirrors in the scary movie, Alison set out to write her own message to Emily…but with less horror and more love.

She knew that Emily still had a hard time looking at her reflection, not because she didn’t like how she looked, but because she still hadn’t completely adjusted to her sight being back. And she didn’t like her scars. So Alison wrote encouraging little notes on the vanity mirror in candy apple red lipstick.

The first one was _“I love looking at you.”_

Unfortunately, Emily saw it in the middle of the night when she was half asleep and the horror movie was still fresh in her mind, so what she saw was _“I’m looking at you.”_

She’d grabbed a toilet brush and swung it through the bathroom out of instinct, knocking a bunch of their toiletries to the floor. Alison had come rushing in and Emily nearly took her head off with the toilet brush.

They’d laughed about it after Emily realized what was going on. Alison tried to make her messages less menacing after that night.

Things like _“You’re beautiful”_ and _“You make me happy”._

At least twice a week she wrote the same thing,

_“Marry me.”_

Sometimes she changed it up to be playful.

 _“You’re a sexy beast”_ and _“Let’s get sexy in the sheets.”_

One time Hanna and Caleb came for a visit and Alison forgot that she’d written _“I wanna see you naked”_ on the mirror. Hanna had come out of the bathroom howling in laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Caleb asked.

“Their bathroom mirror just came on to me.” Hanna snorted.

“Your own reflection hit on you?” He questioned in confusion.

“Why? Are you jealous?” Hanna asked.

Emily had then explained their little game. Hanna had proceeded to smack Caleb’s shoulder and ask him why he never did anything that romantic for her. He sarcastically thanked Alison and Emily for making him look bad.

Emily had her own way of sending little love notes to Alison. She’d write little things on her coffee cups.

 _“I love your face”_ and _“Your eyes are brighter than the stars.”_

Sometimes she’d go for corny,

 _“You mocha me smile”_ or _“I love you a latte.”_

And _“You look brew-tiful in the mornings.”_

Sometimes she would write regular things to mix it up,

_“We’re out of milk. Can you pick some up?”_

They were constantly leaving love notes for each other. There was never a day that went by that they didn’t say “I love you.”

Living on their own was a great experience for both of them. Their place wasn’t very far from Rosewood, so they could drop in and see Emily’s mom any time they wanted. Emily worried about her mom being alone with her dad overseas. Pam insisted she was doing fine. She kept herself busy with work and a craft club held weekly by their local library.

They also made time for Lily and Nate. They went to Baltimore nearly every weekend. Sometimes that meant cramming and pulling all-nighters, but it was important to both of them to be in Lily’s life.

They also had to make time for Emily’s follow up appointments, which they always did. Her health was Alison’s highest priority. It worked both ways, because Emily made sure that Alison had time for herself to unwind and that she went to counseling sessions to help with her post traumatic stress.

Emily worked during the day and took classes as night. Alison usually lounged around with her for a few hours in between her own day classes. The first few weeks of adjusting to not being with her all the time was hard, but they finally found a routine.

The semesters flew by. Before they knew it, they were finishing their core classes and applying to accredited universities.

To celebrate the milestone, and the upcoming milestone of their four year anniversary, they had a celebratory lunch with Emily’s mom and Jason.

Alison noticed Pam acting strange throughout the meal. At one point the older woman pulled Emily aside to talk about something.

“What are they saying? I can’t hear.” Alison frowned, looking at her brother.

“Dunno. Maybe your cotillion skills are rusty and they’re judging you from afar.” Jason ate a bite of his food.

“Thanks. You’re such a prince.” Alison growled at him caustically.

“I hear if someone kisses me I’ll turn back into a frog.” Jason wasn’t fazed by her attitude. He never was.

Alison stuck her tongue out at him. He just smiled at her. It was a look that she’d known since he was a kid. His smile was hiding that he knew something. He was acting weird, too.

“What’s going on? What do you know?” Alison swallowed a knot in her throat.

She started to panic thinking that Emily might be sick again. Then again, how would Jason have found that out before her?

Maybe they’d told him so he could be there to soften the blow when they told her. She shook her head, trying to stay calm.

“Is there something wrong? Are they hiding something?” Alison kept her voice low.

“Beats me.” It was a lie. And Alison knew it was a lie.

“Oh my God, what if she’s sick again?” Alison huffed. “I can’t watch her go through that again. I just can’t…”

“You worry too much.” Jason shoved a roll at her face, catching her mouth open, so she was forced to take a bite. “I’m sure she’s fine.”

She pulled the bread out of her teeth and scowled at him as she chewed what she’d been forced to eat.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Alison nodded. Emily had been very honest with her ever since her last hospital stay. “What if it’s her dad? What if something happened…”

“Al.” Jason reached out, putting his hand on top of hers. “Everything is fine. You’re going to that dark place in your head. Close your eyes,” he instructed. Alison did what she was told. “Now, take a few deep breaths.”

She listened to the sounds of her brother coaching her through it and she felt herself physically relax. When Emily and her mom returned to the table they both had smiles on their faces. The rest of the lunch went by without a problem. No one was acting out of the ordinary, so Alison’s panic died down.

But the truth was that she was right to be suspicious. Her instincts were needling her for a reason. But Emily didn’t let on.

With the summer almost being over, and with their lives about to change again in the fall they decided they wanted to take in the sights of their hometown for nostalgia’s sake.

They took a stroll around Rosewood and then went to the park. They stopped occasionally to make sure Ace wasn’t getting dehydrated in the heat of the summer evening.

Alison watched as Emily lovingly kneeled next to him and told him what a good boy he was and kiss his head. His tail would wag and then she would pull out a collapsible travel bowl and pour some of her own bottled water into it and he’d lap it up and be ready to go two seconds later. Alison loved how sweet she was with her dog. Emily often made sure he was taken care of before herself.

They sat in the shade for a few minutes to cool off and then Emily took Alison’s hand with a smile.

“You ready to call it a night?” Alison asked.

“Not quite yet.” Emily glanced at the sun getting low in the sky. “There’s one more thing I want to do. But we need to go now or we won’t make it before the sun sets. Are you up for it?”

“If it’s with you, I’m up for anything.” Alison kissed her.

Emily smiled at her.

“There’s a catch.” Emily reached into her back pocket. She pulled a blindfold and a music player out.

Alison cocked her head in confusion.

“How do you feel about the blind leading the blonde?” Emily questioned.

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing ever since we met?” Alison quipped back.

Emily chuckled. She had Alison put the earbuds in, explaining that she wasn’t going to have the volume up very high. She just wanted Alison to enjoy the sounds of their lives together, the music that made them fall deeply in love to pass the time. Alison couldn’t argue with that.

Emily lightly put the blindfold on over Alison’s eyes. She made sure it wasn’t too tight and then they started walking. They cut through the park, Emily carefully guiding Alison as they walked. Alison could still hear her over the music.

They walked for a while. Alison lost track of time. She was certain sunset was looming. When they finally stopped, Emily cut the music off and pulled the earbuds out.

“Can I take this damn thing off now?” Alison was itching to see again.

“Just a few more seconds.” Emily moved a strand of Alison’s hair behind her ear.

For the first time since the music had stopped Alison was able to hear the quiet sounds of nature. She felt Emily’s hot breath against her neck, her lips tickling her ears. She felt Emily’s fingers against the side of the blindfold.

“Do you trust me?” Emily whispered, gently pecking her ear.

“With my life.”

She felt Emily’s hands travel down her arms and stop when she reached her wrists. For a split second Alison thought she was going to tie her up and have some kinky woodsy sex with her, but then she felt Emily pull her hands away. She frowned at the loss of contact.

“Emily, I’m getting impatient…”

Emily didn’t reply, and it sparked an internal panic, because… _Jesus_ …what if she’d spaced out and was walking towards certain death?

“Em?”

She reached up and pulled the blindfold off, her heart hammering wildly in her chest. Her pulse spiked when she saw that she was facing the trail in the woods. Ace was sitting in front of her, but Emily was nowhere in sight.

“Emily?” She spun around, her tone anxious.

What she saw behind her made her heart momentarily feel like it had stopped. Emily was out on the cliff with Spring Cove below her and the sunset behind her. She was down on one knee, smiling at her.

It took a second for Alison’s brain to register what was happening. She smiled so wide that her face felt like it was burning. Tears pooled her in her eyes. Her heart did somersaults in her chest.

“Alison…” Emily took her hand. “I have spent every day since I met you trying to plan the perfect way to ask you this.” Her voice came out strong and sure, though she was trembling on the inside. “I’ve thought about it. I’ve dreamed about it. And I always felt like I’d fall short, because you deserve nothing less than amazing, and meaningful. Because you are _so_ meaningful to me.” Her voice cracked, but she managed to hold back her tears. “Like our relationship, this place…”

She motioned towards the kissing rock below them, which had been decorated with a white lace cloth and LED candles. Next to the rock there was a basket with a chilled bottle of wine and two glasses. There were lanterns surrounding the cove, creating a glow across the surface of the water.

“This place holds meaning to me…to us. Because it’s where we had our first kiss. That rock down there will forever be a symbol of what our love means to me. It’s the foundation upon which we first started to build our relationship. Like our love, it’s strong and natural and beautiful, and it weathers the storm. And while storms might chip away at it, it takes new shape. It’s never broken. That’s what our love is to me.”

She held Alison’s shaking hands in hers. She cleared her throat and clicked her tongue and Ace stood up and trotted over to her. He sat down next to her. She reached towards his collar…where the ring had been hidden amidst his dog tags all along.

“Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I used to see you in my dreams, but now my dreams are what I see. And I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life, however long it may be, with you by my side…as my partner, my wife. So…would you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Alison paused to take it in. Because it didn’t feel real. Emily Fields. Emily fucking Fields on her knee, proposing. The girl of her dreams, alive and well, asking her to spend the rest of their lives together. Alison’s brain finally kicked back on and her excitement took over.

“Oh my God.” She grabbed Emily’s cheeks and pulled her to her feet. “Fucking _finally_!” She kissed her, hard. “It’s about time.”

Emily laughed.

“So?” She asked, taking Alison’s hand in hers again. “Is that a yes?”

“Yes! Duh, Emily, don’t ask stupid questions.”

Emily kissed her again and then held her ring finger gently as she slipped the ring on. It was a perfect fit. Alison brought the ring up to her eye level to admire it. She only looked at it for a few seconds before her sight was drawn back to Emily again. She gripped her face again in excitement.

Their lips met in another crashing kiss. Emily could feel Alison’s body vibrating. The energy she was exuding was palpable. When they pulled away to catch their breath Alison reached up and smacked Emily on the shoulder.

“You scared the shit out of me… _again_!” Alison breathed heavily. She looked at the cliff. “At least you didn’t jump this time.”

Emily had a twinkle in her eye. She moved towards the ledge, kicking her shoes off.

“No. No, don’t you dare.” Alison warned. She would have to jump in after her if she went. “Emily, I swear to God…”

“Swear to whoever you want.” Emily shrugged. She grabbed the rope.

“You better stop right now…”

Emily didn’t say a word as she took a swinging leap away from the cliff.

“Don’t you dare let go of that rope! As your fiancé I forbid you…”

Emily winked and then waved as she let go. Alison grumbled and walked to the edge of the cliff just in time to see Emily come up for air.

“You’re really going to make me get this beautiful ring all wet?” Alison complained.

“Are you coming in after me or not, Ali?” Emily called from below.

_Always._

Alison sighed. She kicked off her shoes and glanced down. She felt a ball in the pit of her stomach, the fear before the drop. But then she let go.

She leaped away from the face of the cliff and plunged down into the water. She sank below the surface, her hair wafting out in waves all around her. Then she kicked her way to the surface and found Emily right next to her. She looked every bit like the mermaid of Alison’s dreams. Her skin was glowing. Her hair was slicked back and glistening in the ambiance of the sunset. And to top it all off, she had a huge grin on her face. She was proud of herself and she was silently gloating.

“Still worried there might be piranhas?” Emily joked.

“Shut up. It was a legitimate concern. I still maintain that we could have been killed.”

“You and your drama.” The brunette reached underneath the water and squeezed her side, making Alison laugh.

“I can’t fucking believe you.” Alison shook her head, burying her face in Emily’s neck. “Why did you make me do that?”

“I didn’t _make_ you do anything…”

“You are insane.” Alison pulled back and peered into her eyes.

“Partially.” Emily nodded. “But aren’t we all?” She laid her forehead against Alison’s and they pecked each other’s lips.

They heard rustling from above them and they looked up to see Ace pacing against the edge of the cliff. He was whining and staring at them.

“Hey, come on, buddy.” Emily called for him.

Ace paused at the edge and stared at the drop like _“you’re out of your fuckin’ mind...”_

“Yeah, I know how you feel.” Alison called out to the dog.

“You can do it, Ace. Come on.” Emily coaxed him.

Seconds later he took a running leap and landed in the water, splashing them both. He paddled over to them. They both cooed and laughed. After a few seconds of swimming he paddled over to the shore and walked on to the grass. He shook his coat out, his collar jingling.

Alison and Emily swam until the sun had completely disappeared. Then they made their way over to the kissing rock, which was still surprisingly well-lit. Emily grabbed two large towels that were sitting behind the rock. Alison wrapped herself up in one while Emily poured them each a glass of wine.

“How did you manage all of this?” Alison took the wine glass from her fiancé. She smiled. _Fiancé_. She couldn’t wait to tell people she was engaged to the most perfect woman in the world. She couldn’t wait to call Emily her wife.

“Jason set it up.” Emily moved next to Alison. “I talked to him about it a few weeks ago when I asked your parents for their permission…”

“You _asked_ my parents for my hand in marriage? How very retro.” Alison teased. She glanced at Emily. “How did they take it?”

“Your mom seemed happy. She started talking about venues and centerpieces. I told my mom about your mom’s ideas. I figure we can just let the two of them go nuts with the planning.”

“God, don’t subject your poor mother to that.” Alison cringed. “My mom will lose interest in a few weeks. She always does.”

“Oh, you’ve planned a wedding before?” Emily gave her a hard time.

“I just meant in general. She pretends to be enthused, but then some big donor comes along and flashes a big fancy check her way and she forgets she even has children.” Alison shrugged. “So, what did my dad say?”

“Not much.”

“If he was an asshole, you can say he was an asshole.”

“No, he really didn’t say much of anything. He just nodded and sipped his bourbon and asked if we were ready for this step.”

“So he was an asshole. Got it.” Alison frowned. Of course her dad was an asshole to the girl of her dreams…

“I get it, Ali. I mean, we _are_ young.”

“That’s not why he was asking. He was asking because he thinks marriage is a prison and he feels like he’s serving a life sentence. He just likes other people to be miserable so he can feel better about himself.” She sighed. “I’m sorry about my parents.”

“It’s fine. Honestly, all I really cared about was getting Jason’s permission.”

“What did he say?” Alison asked eagerly.

“He asked me if I knew what I was getting into. He told me all the reasons it was a bad idea…that you’d be a horrible nag of a wife and that he loved me and wanted the best for me.”

“That dickhead.” Alison laughed.

“No. He was really happy. He actually wants to officiate.” Emily snickered.

“He’d have to be high to think I’d let him do that.” Alison rolled her eyes.

“I’m considering it.”

“Considering we just jumped off of a cliff during our engagement, I’d thank you to leave the wedding decisions to me.” Alison countered.

“Be honest. This will stick with us for the rest of our lives. Even with all of my memory issues I knew this would be something that would always stand out.” She sighed and looked at the peaceful surrounding. She listened to the waterfall. “This is a memory I’ll never forget.”

“Same here.” Alison snuggled against her.

She was so warm. So inviting. She just had a gravitational pull to her that Alison couldn’t ignore. She tilted her chin up and their lips met tenderly. She felt Emily’s hand land softly against her side. Her fingertips felt like an electrical current. Alison put her palm against Emily’s neck and pulled her closer, held her tighter.

“I love you, my fiancé.” Alison pulled away to look at her gorgeous face.

“Say it again.” Emily grinned.

“ _Fiancé_.” Alison growled out in a sexy voice.

Emily felt tingles shooting down her spine. She pulled her in for another kiss, leading their motions with a gentle but forceful nature. When they finally parted Alison felt like her entire body was on fire.

“Mmm.” Alison hummed with a smile. “Marry me.”

“I asked you first.” Emily replied jokingly.

Alison swatted her with a laugh.

“Like I haven’t been asking you for the past two years?” Alison asked. She looked at their surroundings, suddenly curious about the timing. “I get creating suspense, but you certainly took your time.” She poked her playfully.

“I know.” Emily nodded. “The truth is I would have let the hospital Chaplin marry us the second I woke up, but I knew you deserved better. I wanted…I wanted to do it right. And it was so hard to say no every time you asked me. You have no idea.” Emily chuckled. “But I wanted to do something special for you. And I wanted to save up for the ring.”

“Oh, Em…” Alison held her hand up to look at the ring again.

“But…” Emily added quickly. “It didn’t exactly work out the way I planned. I told my mom my plans around the time I started saving my money. She got really quiet. And at first I thought she was going to tell me that I was being rash or rushing into it. But instead she disappeared for a few minutes and then came back with a small ring box.” She took Alison’s hand and looked at the ring on her finger. “This was my grandmother’s.” She kissed Alison’s knuckles and then looked up at her with a smile. “Mom told me to save for something else. She wanted me to have her mother’s ring.”

“Are you serious?” Alison gawked.

Emily nodded.

“I looked at it and I just…I knew it was right for us. I immediately pictured it on your finger. And I wanted to run right out and propose to you then.”

“So…why didn’t you?” Alison asked, her voice soft.

Emily sighed, looking down.

“Truthfully?” She nervously started wringing her hands together. “I wanted to wait…to make sure I…” She reached up and rubbed the scar on the back of her neck. “I…I was afraid I’d get sick again. And I know you’ve told me a million times that you’re with me in this, but I still have this…fear, I guess, of being a burden. And I wanted to make sure I was healthy and…and that the cancer was really gone. I didn’t want you to marry someone who was dying. I love you, and the last thing I wanted was to drop dead and leave you with broken promises and a broken heart.”

Alison felt tears burning her eyes. She wasn’t surprised at all. Because that was just true to Emily’s nature.

“But I realized that I was obsessing so much about the future that I wasn’t living in the _now_. I can’t change what’s going to happen inside my body any more than I can change the way I feel about you. And I can’t control the world. Even if I never got cancer again, who is to say that I wouldn’t step outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow?”

“You better not…”

Emily smiled and held Alison’s hands.

“The point is…I don’t want to be afraid to live because I might die. Because we all die. And it’s not about how we die. It’s about what we leave behind when we do. I want to be a part of something that lives forever. I want our story to be more than memorable. I want it to be epic.”

“Rest assured, it’s one for the books.” Alison brushed her fingers against Emily’s cheeks. “I have never met anyone who sees the world the way you do.” She stared into her eyes. “You see with your heart. You always have.”

“I’ve always known that there are no certainties in life.” Emily smiled sweetly at her. “Except the way I feel about you. _You_ are the only thing I am sure about.”

“You’ve said that before.” Alison could remember the love behind the words. She could remember the kindness in her touch.

“And I meant it. Ali, I look at you, and even when I’m _not_ seeing you…I’m seeing you. If…if that makes sense. I know that I’m…not there…when I have a blackout. But even in the dark, I feel like I can see the light because you’re there.”

She closed her eyes.

“I can still see you.”

She moved her hand up against Alison’s arm, her fingers leaving goosebumps their wake. She let her hand effortlessly glide up until it landed against the side of her neck, then her cheek. She reached up with her other hand, eyes still closed, and her palm landed directly on Alison’s heart. She could feel the rhythmic thumping against her hand.

“I can _feel_ you,” Emily whispered.

She moved forward, her eyes still shut. Her lips automatically found Alison’s. The motion was deep, and intimate. Alison always felt her heart swell when Emily kissed her, but the meaning behind this particular embrace made her feel complete in a way that she never had before. Emily made her feel whole.

Alison was so entranced that she almost forgot to breathe. It was only when she felt Emily gently pull away and touch her cheek that she realized in the midst of it that she’d closed her own eyes. Emily was a part of her. They could see one another with their eyes closed. Their souls were connected. Alison opened her eyes and blinked. She was constantly surprised by the way Emily made her fall in love all over again.

Emily trailed her thumb across the edge of Alison’s lips. Her other hand was against her cheek, her fingers near Alison’s temple. She opened her eyes, and their gaze met.

“I was dreaming in the dark. But because of you, I was living in the light,” Emily explained. “And that is how I want to live the rest of my life.”

“Me too.” Alison replied tearfully.

Emily moved forward again, her lips ghosting over Alison’s.

“Close your eyes, Alison,” she said.

Alison smiled and closed her eyes. Emily had once told her that people could see more with their eyes closed…that the possibilities were endless when it came to imagining the world.

“Tell me what you see.” Emily cupped her face gently.

Alison sighed. She could see everything. She could see it, and it was wonderful.

“The rest of our lives.”

She felt Emily’s velvety lips on hers once again. She leaned into the kiss, thinking about how lucky they were. Despite the hardships, they were lucky. Because they got a second chance. They were together. They were in love. And they had the rest of their lives to figure out how to live it.

Emily would get her epic story. The love they had for one another…the lengths they had gone to in order to be together…it wasn’t something the world would ever forget. Alison had lived her life as a legend, assuming she’d live on in infamy. But the second she met Emily she realized that her legacy would never be complete without the cool mysterious girl in the sunglasses relaxing on a park bench, just waiting for someone to come along and see her.

Once upon a time there had been a girl who was trapped in the dark. Though her eyes were wide open, she couldn’t see. It had taken love to get her to see the beauty around her with wide-eyed wonder and an open heart. Emily Fields was a beautiful, sometimes painful, fairytale that Alison DiLaurentis was lucky enough to experience. When she looked into the warm inviting expression on her fiancé’s face she could see the world in her eyes.

* * *

 **A/N:** _*Almost* happily ever after. But in true “me” fashion, I knew it couldn’t all be rainbows and kittens and butterflies. It felt important to show the realities of the imperfections after major trauma and the ups and downs that come with relationships. Everyone matures differently. Quite the journey these two crazy kids have been on. From their first meeting in the park to multiple sporadic marriage proposals. It’s been a crazy ride. Not quite over yet (stay tuned!), but it’s starting to sink in that it’s ending. Going from this to the dark short story (some of you have been asking about it, and yes, it’s still happening) is going to be a strange transition._


	35. Epilogue: Into the Light

**A/N:** _For those of you who stuck with me even when you felt like stabbing me and throwing things at me for the content, for the pace, for the cliffhangers…for everyone who felt like cussing me out for any reason (which will continue well into this chapter)…thank you for being my audience. This fandom has treated me better than I ever deserved (and honestly better than I treat myself). It’s been real, you guys. The support has been amazing. I know I told you it could go one of two ways. Don’t know how you’re going to feel about this, but I imagine I’ll be the cause of a lot of heart attacks. And there is still one more chapter to go (though it’s unofficial and not what I would consider to be canon at this point. You’ll see more notes on it in the end)._

_Saddle up, this is a long ride._

* * *

  **Epilogue:**

**Into the Light**

The cold winter air was biting at Alison’s skin. She wanted nothing more than to be at home in bed, snuggling up to her wife. She wanted it so badly that it hurt. Nothing would ever feel as good as Emily’s long strong arms wrapped protectively around her. She always felt so secure in her embrace. She was lost without it.

The hard frozen ground crunched beneath the heels she had picked out that morning. She’d spent an ungodly amount of time staring at her clothes, because she wanted to look perfect and presentable. It also took her mind off of the pain.

As she followed the group of people, decked out in their finest black attire, it finally hit her. Her stomach twisted in knots. She felt a sharp aching sensation behind her eyes. She couldn’t feel her legs anymore, but when she looked down they were still moving. Everything felt like it was happening against her will. She felt like she was being controlled by outside forces. It was easier than accepting the reality.

She watched as a large plump snowflake fell against her bulky winter coat, which wasn’t doing much to keep out the chill. Of course the chill she felt was internal, and it couldn’t be quelled. The snowflake’s form stood out against the dark shading of her coat. The small intricate piece of nature reminded her of Emily. The pattern was beautiful and unique, even as it melted away. It reminded her of all the Christmas lights she’d once described to Emily. Emily loved Christmas.

This year Alison had woken up in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Unable to sleep, she’d slipped out of bed to make them some hot chocolate. She’d paused to look at the beautiful woman in her bed, sleeping soundly. They had a big day with Emily’s mother planned. She’d leaned over to kiss her before leaving the room.

It had been the last kiss they’d ever shared.

The aneurysm had happened suddenly, quietly. Even if she’d been with her, there was nothing she could have done. She knew that, yet still…

_What if I could have stopped it? What if she woke up? What if she was scared because I wasn’t there?_

Doubt plagued her mind.

The crowd had stopped at the open ground, freshly broken and waiting to be the tomb that held her love forever. Alison was still mindlessly wandering forward.

Toby reached out to keep her from walking directly into the casket. He put a gentle pressure on her arm. Alison looked up through her tears and saw Spencer standing next to him peering at her sympathetically. Her cousin put her hand on her shoulder. Alison looked away. She could barely handle her own pain. She couldn’t handle Spencer’s, too.

She stared at her jacket. The snowflake was gone, melted away…evaporated into nothing. It was gone. Emily was gone.

Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. The cold air was like a vise, squeezing her lungs. She felt like she was falling, spiraling into a dark abyss. She reached up and clawed desperately at her throat, but her windpipe felt like it had been crushed. Her eyes darted around in a panic. She was choking. She was dying.

 _Help!_ _Someone help!_

She tried to cry out, but nothing came out. Everyone around her was just as distraught. She could see the devastation on the faces around her. Aria and Hanna were sobbing, gripping each other tightly while Caleb and Ezra stood by helplessly, unable to comfort them as they drowned in their own grief.

_Jason? Where’s Jason? Where’s my brother?_

She was a frantic mess. She didn’t know he was standing right next to her until she heard him quietly tell her to breathe.

She heard Wayne say something, but couldn’t comprehend the words. She could hear the unabashed sobs of Emily’s mother as she fell forward near her daughter’s casket and clung to it like a lifeline.

_This isn’t real. This is a nightmare._

The pressure in her chest intensified. She reached out and latched on to Spencer’s hand, her nails digging into her skin until she drew blood. Her sight was blurry with tears, but she could see them lowering the casket. It gutted her.

“No,” she uttered out.

It didn’t stop.

“No!” She cried out louder this time.

But no one heard her. No one was listening.

“No! Stop!”

She let go of Spencer and lunged forward. She weaved through the mourners. She was in such a state of grief that she couldn’t even make out their faces. She didn’t recognize any of the people. All she could see was the girl of her dreams being ripped away from her for good. She raced towards the casket, unable to bear the thought of it disappearing forever…and taking Emily with it.

She was ready to all out fling herself on to it and latch on. All the onlookers could do was gaze in shock. But then several people quickly moved to get to her side.

It was her brother who reached her first. He wrapped his big burly arms around her. She fought him and tried to pull away. She reached her arms out desperately towards the casket, wild loud cries erupting from her throat. She felt like a tantruming child being pulled away from a toy in a store.

The casket was right in front of her. Her fingers were just inches away. She grabbed at the air around it, her fingers so close to her love. Her face was flooded with tears and her sobs filled the air. She was choking on her cries. She stuttered out several words which no one could understand.

 _Why isn’t anyone listening? I can’t breathe._ She stared at the casket as it slowly sank down into the ground. _I can’t…SHE can’t breathe. Emily can’t breathe. She’s suffocating. Can’t they feel it? Can’t they hear it?_

She could hear Emily’s gasping wheezing breaths coming from the closed casket. She could hear Emily begging for someone to let her out.

“Emily!” She screamed.

She watched helplessly as the casket disappeared from her sight. Her body suddenly felt heavy. She went limp and she started slipping down towards the ground, Jason slowly going with her. Her legs splayed out on the cold hard surface. She felt like it should have hurt her, but she couldn’t feel anything. Jason was rocking her back and forth as she stared at the empty void in front of her. Her chest was pulsing as her breathing quickened. She was hyperventilating.

Spencer leaned down in front of her cousins, looking at Jason first. He had a steely expression on his face as he leaned forward and tried to shush Alison. His chin was against her shoulder and he was whispering in her ear to try and settle her. Spencer looked at Alison, whose eyes were glazing over. She was passing out. Spencer reached her palm out towards Alison’s cheek.

“Breathe, Ali.”

Alison made eye contact with her for a brief second. She saw the pity in her eyes. The pity and the pain. Then everything faded. She was in a black hole, her body being ripped apart, tiny molecules and atoms floating around her. She didn’t exist. She didn’t want to exist.

“Give her some space…”

“Is she breathing?”

“We should get her out of this cold air.”

“Ali…”

People were talking to her, but she couldn’t make out their voices. There was only one voice she wanted to hear. And she’d never hear it again.

She fell deep, searching her mind. Searching her memory. She wanted Emily. She needed her. And she knew that somewhere in her mind…

“Alison…”

The voice was so clear and precise that Alison felt like she was standing right in front of her. She felt something warm on her face. There was a blinding flash in her field of vision. And she wasn’t at the cemetery anymore.

She was in bed. She was doused in sweat and squirming in Emily’s arms. When she opened her eyes she saw her. Emily touched her hot sticky cheek.

“Hey. It’s okay.”

It took Alison a minute to get her bearings. They weren’t in their home…in their bed. It was the hotel in Baltimore. She felt Emily’s comforting embrace. There was something heavy against her ankles.

She glanced down and saw Ace’s big blocky head weighing her feet down. He lifted his head and looked at her like he was concerned. She heard a whine and then he moved, standing up and shaking the whole bed. He took a few steps and then stood next to her for a few seconds before he plopped back down, his hot furry body inching as close as he could get to her. He pressed his cool wet nose against her arm and then looked at Emily as if he was waiting on a command.

“She’s okay, buddy.” Emily assured her dog. “Ali?” She stroked her cheek again.

“I…I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine. I was already awake.” She sighed. “You were crying. Did you have the dream again?”

Alison was shivering. She curled into Emily’s warm embrace. It wasn’t the first time she’d had nightmares about losing her. In fact, any time Emily had to have a scan done Alison had horrific dreams. Sometimes Emily died in front of her. Sometimes it was long and drawn out. But it was always real and visceral. She could touch her and feel her cold clammy skin. She’d even had nightmares about Emily collapsing at the wedding.

“It always feels so real.” Alison felt her eyes burning. “It hurts. Losing you hurts.”

Emily hugged her and pulled her close. She kissed the top of her head.

“I’m right here.”

“I know. But it scares me,” Alison said, burying her face in her fiancé’s warm body.

They both knew it was a possibility. Though there was nothing to indicate that she had any problems, she was at a higher risk for developing issues down the line. Her eyesight was starting to decline again and she had light sensitivity, but her doctors weren’t overly concerned about it. They thought it was more to do with age-related changes. But they still kept an eye on her. They couldn’t rule out the risks of aneurysms, strokes, and even a recurrence of the cancer. But that’s why they were careful and they watched her health very closely.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could take away all your worries and your pain.” Emily didn’t like knowing that her health was the main source of her pain.

“You do that just by being here.” Alison reached down and slid her palm over the back of Emily’s hand and pushed her fingers into Emily’s. “You know I would always choose you…and do it all over again. It’s just that being back here drudges up a bunch of things.”

“I know what you mean.” It’s not like they were back for a social visit.

Alison saw a flash of pain on Emily’s face.

“I should be the one comforting you.” Alison sat up to look Emily in the eyes. “I know this must be really hard for you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through…or…or what’s going through your mind.”

“I’m trying not to think about it.” Emily admitted. She sat up against the headboard. “It’s why I’ve been burying myself in my classes.”

Emily shifted in the bed. Ace stood up and moved to the end of the bed. He hopped down and then moved over to Emily’s side. She reached down to pet him and he wagged his tail.

“I don’t know how you manage to concentrate. I can’t even focus on a good day.” Alison admitted.

“I just exhaust my brain to the point that I don’t have the energy to think.” Emily rubbed her right eye brow.

Alison reached up and pulled her hand away from her face. She could see how stressed Emily was.

“And how is that working out for you?”

“I have to drink a lot of caffeine to survive.” Emily shrugged.

“God, no wonder you haven’t been sleeping.” Alison scoffed. “I thought it was just wedding jitters.”

“Why would I be anxious about marrying you?” Emily smiled at her. “If anything, you’re the one thing in my life that makes me feel steady. You know, with school and work and this internship…”

“Babe, I told you that you were doing too much.”

“I know. But I can’t slow down. I can’t…”

“Allow yourself to think?” Alison interrupted her.

“I know it’s not the healthiest thing to do.” Emily frowned.

“Yeah, and it’s not like you have health to spare.”

“Don’t need the reminder,” Emily said sourly.

Alison’s expression softened. Emily knew her limits when it came to her health. She was reminded every time she had a blackout. Or every time she struggled to remember a common word or phrase that was just on the tip of her tongue. Or every time she looked in the mirror, which she didn’t do very often. Her reflection didn’t give her nearly as much joy as seeing a butterfly land on a flower or watching kids playing outside.

She preferred to look at the beauty in the world while she could. She preferred going outside and bathing in the sun with her eyes closed, imagining the warmth of the colors it radiated. She preferred letting her other senses take the lead. It’s not that she didn’t enjoy her eyesight. She just knew how to live without it.

She wore her scars with pride, but she was not very fond of remembering why she had them. And every time Alison said something that implied that her health might hold her back from something it made Emily feel inferior. So she pushed back, though she knew that Alison only had her best interest at heart.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Alison shook her head. She gently touched Emily’s face. “I just worry about you.”

“I know.” Emily sighed. “And it’s bad enough that you’re having nightmares about it. I don’t want to cause you stress.”

“To be fair _you_ don’t cause the stress.”

“My health does. I hate being the broken thing people obsess about…”

“Emily, be real. I’m going to obsess about you no matter what. It’s what I do.” She kissed her nose. “And you’re not broken. You’re unique.”

“God, you’re such a sap.” Emily laughed.

“Only with you. Everyone else can suck it,” Alison said unapologetically.

“What if _I_ want to suck it?” Emily questioned, moving down to kiss the dip in Alison’s nightgown.

“Then my nightmare would be a thing of the past.” Alison encouraged her.

Emily moved back up and placed a soft kiss on her lips. She could still taste her sweat. Alison slid her hand against Emily’s thigh and gripped her supple skin with her fingertips. Emily smiled into their kiss. She ran her fingers against the dimples in Alison’s cheeks. She could get lost in her fiancé forever.

Emily’s phone chimed. Alison felt like throwing it across the room and continuing their encounter. But they had come to Baltimore for a reason. Emily sighed and pulled back and glanced at the screen.

“It’s Nate.” Emily furrowed her brow trying to make out the text message. Sometimes it took a while for her eyes to focus.

“What time is the funeral?” Alison asked.

“Noon.”

“I thought it was at two.” Alison looked at the clock.

“They moved it up.” Emily put the phone down. She had a distant look on her face.

Alison moved close to her again. She could see the anticipation in Emily’s eyes.

“If it’s too much for you…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I wish it wasn’t so morbid. For once I’d like to go somewhere and not have the topic of death come up.”

“It’s not like the universe operates on a timeline that’s convenient for us.” Emily shrugged.

“It’s not like the universe likes to give us any favors at all.”

“Mmm, little miss morose.”

“What? It’s true! I’m not on speaking terms with the universe. She’s a bitch,” Alison said. She played with Emily’s hair. “It’s why I could never do what you’re doing. Social work is reserved for people with good hearts. Those future kids in need don’t know it yet, but they’re about to meet the best thing that could have ever happened to them. You’re going to help so many people.”

“I hope so,” Emily said. “If the classes don’t kill me first.” She yawned. “I know it won’t be easy by any means. But I want to make a difference.”

“You already have. So much more than you’ll ever know.” Alison touched her hand. “Do you have any idea how loved you are? And I don’t mean just by me. I don’t know if you realize how many lives you’ve impacted. You make the world a better place because you saw the good in it…even when you couldn’t see. You even saw the good in me, which…” She laughed, a dark undertone in her voice, “…that’s a miracle in itself.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. You have a big heart. Not many people would have stuck around with a cancer kid the way you did.”

“I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else,” Alison said. “Because I don’t love anyone the way that I love you.”

Emily smiled. She loved hearing Alison say that to her. For the longest time Alison had been so afraid of her feelings. She had been so afraid she wouldn’t be able to love. She didn’t realize that she had been showing Emily she loved her since the day they’d met. All their little interactions, all the thought Alison put into showing her that she cared.

Emily cherished the memory of the first time Alison had told her she loved her. It had been the first Christmas they had spent together. She had been so meek about it. Emily had been able to tell she was terrified to say it, because it made it real. But considering they’d just had a hot and heavy make-out session that had almost turned into sex, they knew at that point it _was_ real.

Emily cupped her cheek and leaned in for a kiss. Alison eagerly returned it. When Emily pulled away she had a melancholic look on her face.

“We should get dressed and get out there. Don’t want to be late.”

Alison nodded in agreement. They got ready in a blanket of awkward silence. Neither one of them fared well with their emotions.

When they got to the hospital Emily got her blood drawn first. Then she went for her follow-up scan. Alison hated it when they took her away for her scan, because she had to sit and wait. And it brought back memories of Emily fighting her cancer. Alison never wanted to go through that again, and more importantly, she never wanted Emily to go through that again.

Once Emily was finished with her scan Nate did her exam.

“How are you, Em?” he asked as he placed his palms against the side of her neck, feeling her lymph nodes.

“I’ve been keeping myself busy.” Emily replied. “What about you?”

“Same.” Nate smiled politely. “I wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances. This hospital is so dreary.”

“Maybe one day we can go out to eat like normal friends.” Emily suggested. “Though I’m not really sure what normal is anymore.”

“I know how you feel.” Nate nodded, pulling out his opthalmascope to look in her eyes. “I often wonder what regular people do in their lives. But then I remember that it’s being abnormal that led me to meet people like you.”

“I’m more trouble than I’m worth.” Emily replied jokingly. “It’s always something with me. If I’m not dying I’m lamenting about dying.”

“Well, people who spend a lot of time in the hospital tend to develop a…different kind of humor.”

“I work to find the good.”

“You always find it. Even at your darkest you found it…”

“Because I had Maya. And you.” She smiled warmly.

“And now you have Alison.”

Emily smiled when she heard her fiancé’s name. All the shit she’d gone through in life had led her directly to her soulmate.

“I wouldn’t trade her for anything.”

“That’s good…considering you’re marrying her,” Nate said with a laugh. “Blink for me.”

Emily did what she was told and when she opened her eyes Nate had a frown on his face.

“Trouble sleeping?” Nate gently prodded her lower lids to check for redness and swelling.

“A little bit. But no more than normal. I mean, exams time means crunch time.”

“You really need to watch your stress levels. We not only need to worry about your blood pressure, but anxiety can make the absence seizures worse.”

“You sound like Alison.” Emily scoffed.

“Oh? I didn’t realize she got her doctorate degree.” Nate teased.

“She hovers. The seizures freak her out more than she’s willing to admit.”

“When was the last time you had one?”

“About three weeks ago. I was at work. Ace started freaking out, so I sat down. I lost a few minutes. When I came to my coworker was staring at me and asking me if I remembered who the president was. And I had a weird one in my sleep last month, too. Alison says I woke up disoriented and confused. She says I didn’t know who she was or where I was. It scared the hell out of her. I always feel kind of guilty after I have one, you know? I’m just hoping I don’t space out and forget my vows at the altar.”

“When is the big day?”

“Uh, we’re looking at the fall after we graduate. We want to get all the stressors out of our lives before we dive into married life.”

“Speaking of, how is the wedding planning going?” Nate asked.

“We ate like 50 cakes in one tasting.” Emily cut her eyes at him. “I never want to eat cake again.”

He laughed.

Emily broke into a smile and added,

“Seriously though, it’s going well. Hanna is my maid of honor. She’s doing most of the shopping. Toby is going to be my best man. Alison was torn between picking Spencer and Cece as her maid of honor. Spencer tried to make it easier when she said she’d rather rip her eyeballs out of her sockets than deal with lace and frills. But that just made Alison determined to torture her. So she’s going with a non-traditional dual maids of honor thing. Which has been fun. Because Cece annoys the shit out of Spencer.” Emily laughed. “Jason is officiating. He insisted that we let him get ordained for it. And Ezra and Aria are going to cater it.”

“Sounds like everyone was roped into it, except…”

“Caleb isn’t getting out of work that easily.” Emily shook her head. “Hanna is making him be the official photographer. Apparently he’s gotten insanely good at it since they’ve been traveling. He has an eye for detail.”

“It’s all coming together for you.” Nate smiled in approval. “Maya would be really proud of you. You’re doing everything you set out to do. You’re out there living your life.”

“Yeah. Thanks to you. You never gave up on me.” Emily grabbed his hand. She squeezed it. “Thank you. I don’t…I don’t think I could say it enough…”

“No thanks necessary. I was just doing my job.”

“Don’t pull that modesty shit with me. You saved my life. _Twice_.” Three times if she counted her overdose. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be learning dances for my wedding or listening to Alison recite poetry and passages aloud for her World Literature final.”

“You know, it’s funny…I never would have pegged her an English major.”

“She loves reading. She’s obsessed with Dickens and Twain. She told me that our story was one for the books. I think she wants to be the next Jane Austen.”

“You really do have a hell of a story to tell.”

“And I don’t doubt she’ll tell it beautifully.” Emily smiled. “She has such a unique heart. I’ve never quite met anyone like her who voices things the way she does. Her spirit is like a special kind of poetry.”

Nate gently touched her shoulder and smiled.

“So is yours.” It was his way of saying that she belonged with Alison. Despite her history with Maya, despite her love for Maya…Alison was always her ending. “Choosing social work… _that_ takes a special someone.”

“It’s a lot of work, but I can’t imagine anything more rewarding than giving back, especially in areas where it’s truly needed.”

“You still want to work with special needs cases?”

“I do. In fact, I was hoping I could get a letter of recommendation from you.”

“Consider it done. You certainly spent enough time with Lily…” He stopped talking, as if saying her name triggered something. He looked at the clock. “Speaking of…”

“Yeah. It’s almost noon.” Emily hopped off of the exam table.

“You remember the way?” Nate questioned.

“Yeah. I’m going to grab Alison.” Who was probably jumping out of her skin in anticipation. “We’ll meet you there.”

Emily waved to Nate and then went to find Alison. She wasn’t the least bit surprised to see Alison circling the waiting room, trying to distract herself by doing something on her phone. Ace was calmly pacing along beside her.

When Alison looked up she saw Emily coming. She didn’t wait for the brunette to get to her. She ran over to meet her halfway.

“So?” Alison put her palm on Emily’s arm. “How did it go?” She asked warily.

“We’ll get the results tomorrow.”

“Oh my God. All this medical technology and we can’t get same day results?” She complained.

“Alison, we’ve done this dozens of times before. You know how this works.” Emily tried to calm her down.

“And I still maintain that it’s stupid we have to wait.”

“Well, you can bitch later.” Emily looked at the clock. “We need to get going.”

Alison didn’t argue. She took Emily’s hand and they walked down the hall. They paused at Lily’s room. It had been completely cleaned out. Emily stopped and stared. It was so weird to see it empty. Even when she was blind she’d been able to sense the vibrant energy. Now it was just another hospital room. No toys in sight. The only remnants of the little girl was the faded crayon on the wall where she’d once gone nuts with the arts and crafts box.

“Em?” Alison squeezed her hand.

Emily nodded and they started walking again. Emily looked around the hallways of the building she’d once called home. She always had mixed emotions coming back. There was a sense of familiarity, but at the same time it felt like a monster just waiting to swallow her whole.

She’d told Lily so many stories about heroes and monsters over the years. She knew the little girl had been able to relate because they shared the common factor of battling their own monsters.

Lily’s battle was over. She’d fought for nearly seven years. She’d been the bravest little hero that Emily had ever met.

They stepped on to the elevator. Emily stared at the buttons as they slowly descended between floors. Her vision started to glaze over and things looked hazy. She reached up and pressed her fingers against her eyes until she saw spots. Then she rubbed the tears away. She saw Alison pull out her phone and check the time. It was almost noon.

It had been a long time since Emily had been to a funeral. The last time she’d gone to one she was a little girl. It had been her great-grandmother’s funeral. She remembered her mother choking back sobs. She’d been around a lot of death in her life, but not a lot of memorial services. She hadn’t been able to go to Maya’s funeral since she was sedated in the psych ward.

Of course, today was different. The circumstances were unusual and the service was going to be unconventional at best. But Lily had told Nate exactly what she wanted.

There was a crowd of people already gathered when they got there. It was nice outside. It was still early so it wasn’t too hot out. One of Lily’s nurses was talking about how she’d declared one day that she didn’t want to be a human and decided she was going to be a unicorn instead.

Emily saw Wren and waved. He smiled and waved back. The nurse glanced at him to say a few words, but before he got the chance to open his mouth a loud squeal erupted from the crowd.

“Emmy!” The little girl broke through all the adults and nearly barreled Emily over. She wrapped her arms around Emily and squeezed tightly.

The crowd of doctors and nurses laughed. Some of the other kids from the ward smiled.

“Hi, kiddo. Sorry we’re late.” Emily bent down in front of her.

“You’re not late, silly.” Lily shook her head with a laugh. She threw her arms around Emily’s neck and hugged her again. “I told them we couldn’t have the cake until you got here.”

That showed some amazing restraint on her part. Because the kid _loved_ cake.

“Hi, Lily.” Alison smiled at Lily.

“Hi, Ali.”

Alison only tolerated being called _Ali_ by a few people. Lily was one of them. The little girl could call her whatever she wanted. Lily had Alison wrapped around her little finger.

Lily moved over to give Alison a hug. Alison couldn’t help but feel that everything was right with the world when Lily hugged her. A kid’s hug was a cure-all.

“Guess what?” Lily looked up at Alison. “I’m all better.”

“I know. We’re so excited!” Alison nodded enthusiastically.

After they’d heard that her treatments had worked they had been beyond thrilled. But in true Lily fashion, she’d wanted to do something wild and outrageous to celebrate.

A funeral for her cancer. She said that even monsters deserved to be buried.

It had started out as a little idea, but spawned into a bigger gathering when all of the people who had treated her over the years had heard about it. Everyone had chipped in and they ended up making a spread of some of Lily’s favorite foods and a cake to top it off.

“My cancer is dead forever.”

Emily smiled. She hoped it was gone forever. She never wanted Lily to set foot in the cancer ward again.

“Oh, we should let the funeral be over before we talk.” She suddenly lowered her voice. Seconds later she reached out to pet Ace. He licked her hand and she giggled. “You’re a good doggy, Ace,” she whispered.

The staff finished up their speeches so they could get back to their patients. Then Lily hopscotched her way over to a bell and rang it so everyone would know she was cancer-free.

There were a few party games that some of the kids got to play with her. Alison and Emily watched her dance around in excitement. She’d always been a free and liberated kid, but now that she didn’t have the weight of illness holding her down she was all over the place.

Lily looked over at Alison and Emily and gave them a huge smile. Then she noticed that Alison didn’t have any cake, so she ran over and grabbed her hand and dragged her to the small table they had set up. Emily watched, her heart feeling full.

“So…” Nate walked up behind Emily. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Let’s just hope it’s the last funeral we’re ever going to attend.”

“I can get behind that.” Nate chuckled. “It’s definitely unorthodox to be celebrating death at a hospital, but considering it’s the cancer cells we’re saying bon voyage to, I’m all for it.”

“She thinks outside the box. I’ll give her that.”

“And yet, it’s still not the weirdest funeral I’ve ever been to. That one belongs to my uncle. There were Stormtroopers and a piñata filled with tequila involved.”

Emily turned to face him, lifting her brow with intrigue.

“Don’t ask.” He shook his head.

They heard Lily laugh loudly and when they looked over they saw Alison smearing a dab of cake frosting on her nose.

“She is such a good kid.” Emily watched as Lily chased after Alison to try and get her back.

Alison made a dramatic show of it. It amazed Emily how much Alison had come around to being around kids. Or at the very least, being around Lily.

“What’s happening with her home situation?” Emily questioned curiously.

“I’ve got her tonight,” Nate said. “I’ve talked to her caseworker. I’ve told the state department numerous times that I would be happy to take her, but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. To be honest I don’t know how good my chances are.”

“Why wouldn’t they let you take her? You’ve known her since she was a baby and she adores you.”

“That’s not the only criteria they look at,” Nate said. “They look at everything. I work long hours and other than my parents I don’t really have much in the way of a support system in town. Besides, they like to make sure kids aren’t just passed off to babysitters, and with my schedule I don’t know what other options I would have. They know I would do anything for her. But they also know the reality of my job. That’s going to factor into it.”

“She would be so lucky to have you. I mean, you’re practically already family. You named her.”

“You and Maya named her.” Nate corrected her. “And she’s _still_ not a puppy, Em.”

“Are you sure?” Emily motioned towards Lily. She was sitting on all fours in front of Ace. “She’s adorable. She uses the puppy-dog eyes like a pro. She eats things she shouldn’t. And we’re talking about adoption here…”

“Emmy! Come play!” Lily exclaimed.

“I’m being summoned.” Emily laughed. “She has me very well trained.”

“Sounds like _you’re_ the puppy.”

“Come on, Em! You’re missing all the fun!” Alison encouraged her.

“Your master is calling.” Nate gave her a hard time.

“Laugh all you want, but when it’s time to spice things up in bed _she’s_ the one eager to get down on all fours and…”

“Okay, I’m walking away now.”

Emily laughed as Nate threw his hands up and backed away. She went over to join her fiancé.

“There you are.” Alison smiled and reached out to her. “Guess who wrote her very own fairytale?” She lifted a small stack of papers that had been bound together with staples at the edges.

“It’s called _The Super-Princess and her Best Princess Friends._ ” Lily twirled around on one foot.

Alison handed it to Emily with a huge smile on her face. When Emily saw the title page she understood why Alison was smiling. Lily had drawn three little blob looking figures that had capes on and were holding hands. One of the figures had dark hair and sunglasses drawn on her face and the other had yellow hair and big blue dots for eyes. In the middle, the smaller one was holding the two taller girls’ hands.

“Do you like it?” Lily asked eagerly.

“I love it.”

“I made it myself.”

Emily flipped through the pages and read some of Lily’s broken writing. She ran her fingers over the bumps that the crayons made. It made her think about the Christmas card Lily made for her years ago. Nate had translated it for her in braille. Emily still had it. And sometimes she’d close her eyes and slip her fingers over the bumps. She felt the same essence of love in Lily’s book that she’d felt in her card. Her little Lovebug had such a big heart.

Spending time with Lily always put things in perspective for Emily. The fact that they were sending off her cancer with a fitting funeral reminded her that no matter how bleak things seemed, there was so much good in the world. No matter what her scans showed, she knew that she was getting the best out of life.

The only downside was that life came at a cost. And that cost was knowing that at some point it would end.

Emily laid in bed that night thinking about everything she’d gone through, thinking about how far she’d come. And she thought about how when she was Lily’s age she was just beginning her journey in the hospital. Lily’s new cancer-free life was just beginning. She couldn’t wait to see what she did in the world…given she had the chance.

She couldn’t sleep. She never could after she had a follow up scan. As she sat in bed holding Alison she took every second to breathe in the fact that she was in love and she was happy. And for the moment she was healthy. She combed her fingers through Alison’s hair, her fingertips delicately caressing her cheek. Alison smiled and nuzzled closer to her chest.

“Love you, Em,” she muttered in her sleep.

“I love you, too.”

She spent the night just appreciating her future wife. She closed her eyes and imagined what their future would entail.

The next morning Alison had gone out for a walk and to get coffee. She knew that Emily would want to visit Maya, and she wanted to give her some privacy. Emily was on her way out the door going to the cemetery when her phone rang.

She recognized Nate’s ringtone and scrambled to grab it from her pocket.

“Hey,” Emily answered.

“Hey, is this a bad time?” Nate asked.

“No such thing.”

“You have a few minutes? I’d like for you to come by the hospital…” Nate sounded hurried and hushed. And it scared the hell out of her.

 _Oh fuck_. Emily felt her heart plummeting in her chest.

“Yeah. I was just taking Ace out. I can be there in ten minutes.”

“Awesome. I’ll…” There was rustling on the other end of the phone, but before Emily could ask if everything was okay, Nate told her they had an emergency and he had to go.

Emily calmly put her phone up and leaned back against the wall. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes. Her chest started heaving. She slid down to the floor. Ace shoved his way between her arms and she clutched him tightly. She fought back her panic.

After she got her breathing back to normal she crawled to her feet and grabbed her things. She clipped Ace’s leash on and they walked out. She was in such a rush to get to the hospital that she completely forgot to call Alison.

Nate found her in the lobby shortly after she arrived. He waved her over and she followed him to his office.

“Thanks for coming down. Sorry that I cut you off earlier. I had a kid having a reaction to one of his treatments…” He walked over to his desk and started digging through some paperwork.

“Is he going to be okay?” She followed him. Ace trailed next to her.

“Yeah. He’s okay. He’s a tough kid.”

“He’s lucky to have you as a doctor.” She felt herself getting choked up.

He heard her voice crack. He looked at her in concern.

“Emily, what’s…”

“Please…” She had tears in her eyes. “Please don’t tell me it’s back.”

“Oh. Christ.” Nate’s eyes widened. “Jesus, Em…the neuro doctor didn’t call you?”

Emily stared at him in confusion.

“No.”

“I am going ream his ass out.” He shook his head. “Your scans are fine. You’re okay.”

Emily felt her shoulders fall forward and she let out a huge sigh of relief. She buried her face into her shaking hands. She was breathing so fast that she was hyperventilating.

“Hey, easy.” He put his hand on her shoulder.

“You scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m so sorry. The radiology department was supposed to call you this morning. I was going to call you myself, but I was in a meeting.”

“I’m really okay?” Emily asked.

“No signs of recurrence,” he assured her. “This has nothing to do with your health. And I never would have asked you to come down here if I knew that you thought…” He heaved out a breath. He felt horrible. “I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s just…I’m glad it’s not bad news.” Emily wiped her tears away. “So, what is this about?”

Nate grabbed a small stack of papers from his desk and handed them to Emily. Clipped to the top of the file was a picture of Lily playing with her favorite toy trucks. She looked closer and she realized she was holding an adoption form. But it wasn’t filled out.

“The meeting that I had this morning was with child services about adopting her.”

“And?” Emily ran her fingers over the picture.

“They weren’t really receptive to the idea.”

Emily moved her head so fast she got whiplash. She saw the melancholic look on his face.

“They’re out of their fucking minds. She would be so loved and cared for, and stability for her care wouldn’t be a problem…”

“I know. But they were concerned that it wasn’t a two person household and that my demanding work hours wouldn’t be conducive to raising a child.” He frowned. “And I don’t disagree. I have the money and the housing. But this job…it’s very time consuming. But I thought I might have a shot. I just…I didn’t want her going to someone she didn’t know.”

“What happens now?”

“Well…” Nate chewed on his lip. “That’s the reason I wanted to talk to you.” There was a pause as Nate considered what he wanted to say. “You and Alison have an incredible bond with her. And I don’t want to put you on the spot here…”

“Wait. You think _we_ should adopt her?” She put the form down and looked at Nate in surprise.

“I know it’s a lot to think about, but I think she would love to be with you. And to be quite frank, she’s always been more attached to you than anyone else. I see something in the two of you. It’s like you just…belong. And I know she has bonded with Alison, too. I think you would both be amazing mothers.”

“I would love nothing more. But do you really think the court would consider us? If they didn’t give you the motion to adopt her, what makes you think they’ll give her to two college students?”

“You’re both getting ready to graduate. They’ll take that into consideration, especially given that you’ll be in social work. Not to mention you’ve been working steadily since you recovered. And with you two getting married and already having your own place, at the very least they’d give you the option to foster to adopt. They may also give you the option to just adopt her. I know it’s daunting to think about…”

“No.” Emily interrupted him. “Not at all. I love her. I would do anything for her, and I would…I would love to be her mother. I’m just…I’m trying to figure out the logistics of everything. It’s…a lot to wrap my head around. I mean, legal fees, the adoption fees. Cost of living…”

“Let me stop you right there. Money would never be an issue. Lily is just as much mine as she is yours. Maya would never forgive me if I didn’t take some responsibility here. Anything you need, I’d be glad to chip in. Given I get to see her, of course.” He smiled.

“But would the courts be okay with all of that?”

“It doesn’t matter. I know that Alison is fairly well off with her trust fund. Of course, I wouldn’t ever assume what she wants to do with her inheritance. But an independently wealthy couple isn’t someone they are going to turn their noses up at. And once the papers are signed, it doesn’t matter.”

“And my health?”

“I don’t foresee that being an issue. In fact, they may consider it a good match since you know Lily and she knows you, and you can empathize with her in ways that people who have never had cancer can’t. And you both need to come see me for follow ups anyway.”

“What about us being gay?”

“I hate that you even have to ask that.” He sighed. “I’ve never quite understood how anyone can keep a child from a loving family just because of who the prospective parents love. Fortunately the court systems aren’t what they used to be. We’re seeing a more progressive turn.” He reached out for the adoption papers. “Look, I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. I just want you to know that if you’re interested, you do have a shot at adopting her…if you want.”

Emily stopped him from taking the paperwork away. She stared at Lily’s picture. Then she faced Nate again.

“I’ll talk to Alison.”

There was a light knock at the door. Nate called for them to come in. It was a nurse.

“Nolan Brizy’s parents have a few questions,” she said.

“I’ll be right there.”

The nurse disappeared, leaving the door cracked. Ace cocked his head and looked out into the hallway, listening to the sounds of her footsteps as they faded.

“I’ll let you get back to work.” Emily made a motion towards the door.

“Give me a call if you need anything.”

“I will.” She reached for the door handle.

She felt Nate’s hand on her shoulder and she stopped. She turned around to face him.

“Emily…whatever you decide, it will be okay with me.”

“Thank you.” She smiled. “For trusting me with her.”

“There’s no one I trust more when it comes to her.”

They said their goodbyes and then Emily went to the cemetery. She was battling a flurry of mixed emotions. Seeing Maya’s name etched in stone was always hard, but there was a certain tranquility that came over her when she was talking to her. She felt like she was listening. She didn’t know it, but Alison felt the same way.

Alison had never told Emily about her visit to Maya. Emily didn’t know that Alison had begged Maya for her survival. Emily had no idea how good of a listener Maya was. She could only imagine what she would say if she found out about Lily’s adoption.

Other than being Alison’s wife, Emily had never wanted anything more than to be Lily’s mom. And it was because she was putting so much of her heart into it that she was anxious about talking to Alison about it. She didn’t want her to opt in just because she felt obligated. This was a decision they needed to make together. She knew that Alison would do anything to make her happy. But this was different. This meant bringing a child into their lives. It would change things, especially considering they were still so young.

She met up with Alison at a coffee shop near the hotel. She saw her sitting outside on a bench waiting for her. The blonde looked beautiful without even trying. She was staring at her phone and swiping the screen. Alison heard Ace’s collar jingling and she looked up and saw them walking towards her.

“Hey.” Emily walked up next to the bench. She leaned over and kissed her and Alison smiled at her.

“Hey, I was just texting you.”

“Well, now you have to say it in person.” Emily sat down next to her.

“I can’t say what I want to do to you in public.” Alison scoffed and put her phone away.

“You can and have, actually.” Emily reminded her.

“Name _one_ time.”

“You asked for cream of Emily the first day of my coffee shop job. You told the waiter at the pancake house that there was only one cherry you were interested in while staring directly at me. Oh, and there was the time in the doughnut shop where you licked the glaze off of your doughnut and…”

“I said _one_ time.” Alison pushed her playfully. “I can’t help it if it’s all that I think about. You do things to me.”

“I love you, too.” Emily linked her fingers into Alison’s.

There was a quiet lull. Emily was trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of Lily with her. She knew she was making it harder than it needed to be. She knew she could talk to Alison about anything.

“So…I went to see Nate before I went to the cemetery.”

Alison snapped to attention. All her sexual prowess was replaced with a quiet concern.

“How did it go?”

“Well…um…”

Alison’s eyes widened in fear and she squeezed Emily’s hand.

“Is…is it…”

“No.” Emily shook her head. “The scans were fine.”

Alison breathed a sigh of relief, but then her face twisted in confusion.

“So, then why do you look so…hesitant? Is something else wrong? Is it Lily?”

Emily bit her lip, a reaction that usually generated a fiery passion in Alison, but all she felt at the moment was a soft need to comfort the brunette.

“It’s nothing bad.” Emily assured her. “In fact, it’s actually something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while now, but I wasn’t sure what it would mean for us.” She looked at Alison through the dark lenses of her sunglasses.

“Em…” Alison reached for her sunglasses to pull them down so she could see her eyes. “Why don’t we just skip the part where I try to figure out what’s going on and you just tell me?”

“Nate didn’t call me in to talk about my scans. He called me in to talk about Lily. He was looking into adopting her…”

“That’s great!”

“But family services told him they were concerned about how he’d balance having a seven-year-old and working his heavy schedule.”

“So, he wants us to babysit? I’m so down for that.”

“Actually…” She smiled timidly, “…what would you think about her coming to live with us…permanently?”

“Huh?”

“Nate thinks it might be a good idea if _we_ adopt her.”

Alison’s mouth dropped open to reply, but then closed just as quickly. She had a perplexed look on her face, like it hadn’t fully sunk in yet. Emily felt like she must have looked like that when Nate was talking to her about it. Alison stuttered over her words.

“I know it’s a huge responsibility. But…it’s _Lily_. And I love her. I love her so much. I can’t explain it, but the second she came into the hospital…I knew she was supposed to be a part of my life. I knew there was something bigger in our future. I just looked into her big brown eyes and I knew. I’ve never felt an urge to love and protect anything more, other than you. But our love aside, I can’t think of a point to anything I went through if it wasn’t to bring her into my life. She’s family.”

And she couldn’t imagine not having her in her life. That baby girl had her heart the second she’d grabbed her fingers in the hospital.

“I want her, Ali,” Emily said, tears in her eyes. “I know we’re young and it’s a huge decision, but…”

“I want her, too.” Alison interrupted her.

“Really?” Emily laughed tearfully.

“Of course I do.” Alison smiled.

“I don’t…I don’t want you to feel pressured or feel the need to do this because I want to. This affects your life, too.”

“Lily had my heart the second I met her. So, we’ll do whatever we need to do…file whatever we need to file. Let’s bring that little girl home.”

“You’re sure?”

Alison paused for a minute. All she could think about was Emily telling her how much she wanted to be a mom. She’d broken down and cried about it before her surgery.

_“I want Lily. God, I want her. I want to be a mom.”_

Alison had come to realize that she wanted the same thing. She’d had a lot of time to think when she was in the hospital. And she saw kids in her future. She saw _Lily_ in her future.

“I don’t know if you remember much from before the surgery. We were talking…about the future. And I asked you what you pictured. Do you remember that?” Alison asked.

Emily struggled to recall her broken memories.

“Kind of. It’s like…it’s like I’m looking in a mirror that’s cracked and splintered. I remember talking about where our friends would end up. And I remember you asking me where I saw us in the future.”

“You said you saw us as moms. You told me you wanted her.” She took Emily’s hands. Emily smiled at her. “You wanted this to be our future. You wanted _her_ in it. And I haven’t been able to stop picturing it since.”

“So…we’re doing this.” Emily couldn’t believe it.

“We’re doing this.” Alison smiled in excitement.

They both laughed and shared a swift kiss. Alison made a noise under her breath that sounded like an excited mewling cat. It caused Ace to lift his ears and look at her.

“Have you talked to Ace about this development?” Alison asked.

“Don’t kill me, but he was with me in the meeting. He found out before you did.”

“And what do you think about this, Ace?” Alison questioned.

He stared at her for a minute and then laid down and turned away from her.

“Fine. Be that way. Lily will probably love me more than you do. And she sheds less.”

Emily chuckled.

They spent their day talking about the adoption. They went through the paperwork together. Emily already knew most of the process since she was in school for social work. She knew it would take time and that they would need home-studies done and would have to take preparation classes.

They got started on the process as soon as they could. Lily was temporarily placed with Nate’s parents, who had agreed to foster her while Alison and Emily worked on the adoption. They waited to tell Lily, because they didn’t want to get her hopes up and then have something go wrong with the process. It also gave them time to finish up their classes and get their diplomas.

They weren’t anticipating any problems with the adoption. They knew there would be no challenge for parental rights. No one would contest anything…because she had no living relatives, at least none that had come up in the investigation after the crash. And they had glowing recommendations from everyone who knew them.

Emily was worried how her parents would react, but neither one of them were surprised to find out that they planned to make Lily a DiLaurentis-Fields. Alison’s parents reacted less than enthusiastically, but Jason said he couldn’t wait to play the fun uncle. He already had plans to pump the kid up on pixie sticks, take her to the zoo, let her drink caffeine all day, and then take her home to her moms…who would then have to deal with the bouncy little sugar-gremlin.

They moved their wedding date, because they wanted their daughter to be their flower girl, and they were willing to wait however long that took.

It took almost six months for everything to be finalized. But the day they finally got the call they drove out to the St. Germain’s house. They were regular visitors. Maya’s mom and dad welcomed them with open arms. And Lily was always excited to see them. The day they went to tell her about the adoption was no different.

They’d barely gotten through the door before she was pulling them towards her playroom to show them her new toy trucks. Her ponies were sitting on top of the trucks. Alison and Emily sat down on the floor with her and listened as she rambled excitedly. She talked about how exciting homeschool was and how cool it was to be able to go to the library and participate in all their fun programs. She was just enjoying every aspect of life.

Alison took one look at her and thought about how she couldn’t wait to take their little girl home.

“And _this_ one is really cool, because look…” She moved the dumpster truck around and flipped the back end of it up.

“That is awesome.” Emily smiled.

“You wanna see it?” Lily held the toy out to her.

Emily took it. She admired it, whistling in appreciation.

“Very cool.” She handed it back to Lily. “So, listen, Lovebug, we have something we need to talk to you about.”

Lily put her truck down and gave them her attention. She looked worried.

“Are you sick again?” Lily’s bottom lip quivered.

“No.” Emily took her little hands.

“Am _I_?”

“No, sweetheart. It’s nothing bad. I promise. You’re going to love it.” Emily looked at Alison, who had a small flat box in her bag. She motioned for Alison to hand the box over. “You know we’re getting married…”

“Just like you said in all my stories.” Lily interrupted Emily with a smile.

“ _Exactly_ like your stories. Do you remember the story you wrote about the family of princesses?” Emily handed the box to Lily.

“They beat the dragon and lived happily ever after.” Lily looked at the box.

“Go ahead. Open it.” Alison encouraged her.

Lily carefully pulled the box open. Inside she saw a thin paperback book. She lifted it up and saw the title.

_The Super-Princess and Her Best Princess Friends._

“Oh my gosh! It’s a real book!”

They had turned her story into an actual book that included her original illustrations. Lily ran her fingers over the front cover. Alison and Emily looked at one another with a knowing smile. Their hands automatically found one another.

“What does it say, Lil?” Emily asked.

“ _The Super-Princess and Her Best Princess Friends_ by Lilian Maya Di-DiLa…” She tried to sound it out, “DiLau-ren-tis Fields.” She cocked her head. “Hey, my name is different.”

She looked at Emily and Alison inquisitively.

“Why don’t you open it up?” Alison asked. “And read us a little bit of it.”

Lily flipped the cover open and started to read the dedication page.

“Based on the story of Lily…” Lily stopped and stared at the next few words, “and her moms.” She read it again quietly, trying to make sense of it. Then she looked up at Emily and Alison for an explanation. “This is about us.”

“Uh huh.” Alison nodded with a smile.

It slowly started to sink in for the little girl.

“Lily, how would you feel about coming to live with us?” Emily asked. “Forever?”

Lily’s eyes lit up in excitement. She started to cry.

“You’re going to adopt me?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“You…you would you be my mommies?”

“Would you like that?” Emily asked.

Lily, the little blabbermouth that she was, was speechless. She sat in front of them for a few seconds, completely motionless. Then she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around both of them, crying in joy.

“Yeah!” She wailed out through her joyous sobbing.

The St. Germains were in the doorway, recording the whole interaction. Lily cried loudly into Emily’s shoulder, broken sentences occasionally breaking through. They were able to make out “I love you” and “I can’t believe you’re really my mommy.”

They sat there with her for almost ten minutes while she went back and forth from hugging Alison to Emily and then back to Alison before Emily pulled them all into a big group hug.

In a sense, they had always been a family. Now it was official. Lily didn’t want to let go of her moms. And the second she did she was already asking what she could bring and was ready to pack up. She loved the St. Germains, but she was ready to go home. Alison and Emily explained that they were staying in town for a few days so they could get everything finalized.

When they took her home Pam, Toby, and Jason were waiting. Alison’s parents couldn’t be bothered to be there for their granddaughter’s homecoming. Alison was a little disappointed, but she was also somewhat relieved because she didn’t want her parents to be a big part of Lily’s life. She didn’t want them to ruin their innocent little girl like they’d ruined her and Jason. Alison wanted to do better than her parents. Pam and Wayne certainly provided a good example of what parents should be. And she knew that with Toby and Jason in her life she’d be the most protected little girl on the planet.

As soon as she walked through the front door Lily ran over to Toby, her pink backpack bouncing as she bolted towards him calling his name. She’d known Toby since she was a tiny little baby, so she was completely comfortable around him. She’d met Jason a few times and she loved him, too. Alison was confident that her big brother would love her and spoil her.

He didn’t wait long. The second Lily saw him Jason grinned and said he had a present for her. At first she was more excited about her new family.

“Get over here and see your Uncle Jason, squirt.” He kneeled down.

“Oh my Gosh, you’re my _uncle_?” Lily ran into Jason’s arms.

He picked her up and twirled her around and she squealed in laughter. She wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed him tight. Emily and Alison watched the loving exchange. Alison slipped her hand over Emily’s and gently squeezed it. She didn’t have to say anything for Emily to know what she was thinking.

 _“Look at our family_. _”_

Emily smiled and squeezed back. A silent response,

_“I love them. I love YOU.”_

“You’ve gotten bigger since the last time I saw you.” Jason laughed as he put Lily down. “How old are you now? Seventeen? Eighteen?” He asked with a smile.

“No!” She snorted in laughter. “I’m seven and a half! Almost eight.”

“What?” Jason exclaimed. “No way! We’re going to have to have a party.”

“I like parties. Can we have a cake?” She asked.

“We can have as many cakes as you want.” Jason promised. “I know someone who would be happy to bake them.” He looked at Pam and then back at Lily. “Talk to your new grandmother about that.” He motioned.

Pam had a weird look on her face when he called her a grandmother. Not because she didn’t adore Lily, but because she didn’t like feeling that old. She was slowly coming around to the idea of being called Grandma.

“For real and for true?” Lily cooed happily.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Pam nodded.

Lily moved over and threw her arms around Pam’s waist and hugged her and sighed happily. Then she ran over and gave Toby another hug.

“I’m so happy you’re my family.”

“We were always your family, sweetheart.” Pam replied without skipping a beat.

Emily smiled at her mother. They exchanged a quiet glance. Emily had always suspected that Pam knew that Lily would become part of their lives in this big of a way.

“Where is my grandpa?” Lily asked, looking around the room.

There was a lull of silence as everyone in the room looked at one another. Emily felt herself get teary-eyed. She missed her dad. Emily put her palm against the little girl’s shoulder and moved her to sit down on the sofa. Emily settled next to her.

“You remember how we talked about my dad…uh… _your_ grandpa’s job and how he can’t always be home with us because he’s trying to keep people safe?”

“Uh huh.”

“His job is very important, and as hard as it is for him to be away from us we have to learn to share him with the other people who need him. But I want you to know that he really wanted to be here. He loves you very much.”

“I understand.” Lily nodded. She looked a little sad. “Does that mean I won’t get to see him?” Her voice was soft and tentative.

“We’ll still get to see him. He gets to visit sometimes. And we can talk to him on the phone and Facetime him.” She glanced at the clock. “In fact, he’s supposed to be calling us any minute now. He’s on a little bit of a different clock than we are.”

Pam walked over to her daughter and her new grandbaby. Alison watched quietly. She loved seeing all three of them together. It made her feel so complete as a family. Jason noticed her smiling in pride and he threw his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a side hug. She played it off like she was annoyed, but then she looked at him and laughed.

Pam looked towards the DiLaurentis kids and smiled at them. Then she looked at Lily again. She gestured for Jason to do something. He nodded in understanding. He walked out of the living room and a few seconds later he came walking back in rolling a pink and white bike with a big bow on it towards Lily.

“So, about that present…” Jason interrupted them.

“What?” Lily leaped off of the couch. “Is that for me?” She stared in shock. “A _bike_? Wow! Oh my gosh, wow!”

She rushed over to it and circled it in excitement. Alison, Emily, and Pam followed Lily. Emily took Alison’s hand.

“Did you know he was doing this?” Emily whispered.

“Not a clue.” Alison was just as surprised as Emily.

“It’s so cool!” Lily ran her fingers across the handles and played with the multi-colored party-streamers attached to the rubber handle grips. “Oh, but I don’t know how to ride a bike.”

“It’s okay. We’ll teach you.” Jason nodded.

“You better have gotten her a helmet, too.” Alison glanced at her brother.

“Told you.” Toby nudged Jason with a laugh.

Jason laughed at her over-protection, but then he walked out of the room again and came back carrying a matching helmet with ponies on it. Lily got just as excited about the helmet as she had the bike.

She babbled excitedly over her new bike for a few minutes, but was interrupted by a chiming noise on Pam’s phone. When Lily realized it was Wayne she quickly turned her attention to the call.

Pam sat down on the sofa with her and pulled her into her lap so Wayne could see her. He made a quip about how she had grown at least a foot since he’d last seen her and that soon she’d be taller than he was.

They chatted for a little while about her new bike. The conversation wasn’t long, because he had to go. But before he hung up he asked to speak to Emily. She took the phone. Alison picked Lily up and walked into the kitchen to get her something to eat so Emily could have a few minutes alone with her dad.

“How are you feeling?” Wayne asked.

“I’m good. My last check was clear.”

“Good.” The video stream started to lag and Emily knew that he was losing signal. “Hey, listen, I’m really proud of you, kid. Lily is so lucky to have you and Alison.”

“And I’m lucky to have you and mom.”

“You know you can always come to us. About anything.”

“I know, dad.”

She looked around her living room at the pictures of her family from over the years. There were already a few of her and Alison up. And there was one of Alison and Jason. Pam and Wayne had welcomed Alison’s older brother with open arms.

She stopped and looked at a picture of her and Alison and Lily at the park. They were walking hand in hand with Lily in the middle. They were lifting her by her hands and swinging her. Pam had captured Lily kicking her feet mid-air with a huge smile on her face.

The photos of her family meant more to Emily than she could put into words, especially given that for years she hadn’t been able to see them. She didn’t take any memories with her family for granted. She couldn’t wait to add one from her wedding day.

“Have you heard anything more about being able to come back for the wedding?” Emily asked hopefully.

Wayne sighed.

“I don’t know, baby. I’ve exhausted more than my fair share of favors…” The video cut out for a few seconds, but then the picture was clear again, “…but I’m going to try my best.”

That’s all Emily could ask for. She told her dad she loved him and then went to join the rest of her family in the kitchen, pausing only long enough to look at the framed wedding invitation her mother had placed on the mantle next to a picture of their engagement announcement.

She picked up the photo and ran her fingers over it. She closed her eyes and placed it against her chest. She thought about how incredibly lucky she was. She pictured their wedding day. She knew that because she was marrying Alison, their wedding day would be perfectly flawless.

They had talked about a destination wedding, but didn’t want anything too extravagant. Emily suggested that they keep it low-key. It was also important to her for it to be close to home because she wanted their friends and family to be able to attend. So they’d decided on a small wedding in Cape May.

When the big day finally arrived their friends and family gathered for the occasion. Alison and Emily were staying in a beach house near the ocean. Emily loved hearing the sound of the waves gently rolling over the shore. She’d spent so many nights when she couldn’t sleep listening to the sounds of the beach and imagining what it looked like. She never dreamed she’d wake up and be able to see a beautiful sunrise with the girl of her dreams in her arms.

The morning of their wedding she was the first to wake up. Alison had turned in her sleep and was facing the window. Emily was snuggled against her, her front touching Alison’s back. She was resting her chin against Alison’s shoulder. She watched the sun slowly rising over the water.

She felt Alison stir and mumble something. Emily moved her chin and pressed a kiss against her shoulder.

“Morning.”

“Mmm.” Alison smiled as she rolled over. “We’re going to a wedding today.”

“Really? Whose?” Emily teased.

Alison rolled her eyes and laughed. She playfully kissed Emily’s nose. Emily stared at her with a smile on her face. She reached up to push a strand of hair out of Alison’s face.

“You’re so beautiful in the morning.” Emily sighed.

Alison didn’t know what to say to that, so she just kissed her. Of course, once she got a taste of her, she couldn’t stop herself. So just a few minutes later she was pushing for more. She ran her fingers underneath Emily’s oversized nightshirt. She pressed against her, moving her thigh between Emily’s legs. Alison smiled into their kiss when she realized that Emily had gone commando overnight.

Emily gently pulled away. She pressed her forehead against Alison’s and cupped her cheek.

“We should save it for tonight.”

“I don’t _want_ to save it for tonight. I would like very much to touch you _now_.”

“After the wedding.” Emily grinned. She could see the frustration on Alison’s face.

“Em, we’ve already slept together. _Numerous_ times.” _Hell, we already have a kid together._

“Yeah, and we will again. As wives.”

“God, you’re absolutely killing me.” Alison grunted.

“Patience.” Emily kissed her forehead.

Alison pulled away dramatically and slammed her head against her pillow. Emily leaned up on her elbow and stared down at her. All she had to do was smile at her and Alison’s frosty façade faded.

“Come on. We need to get up anyway. We’ve got to get ready. The girls will be here soon.”

Alison watched her climb out of bed. She frowned and made an audible noise of disapproval at the loss of contact.

“We should have skipped the wedding and gone straight to the honeymoon,” she muttered.

Alison heard Emily laughing as she walked out of the room. She picked up a pillow and hurled it at her. It hit the wall right beside the door. Emily peeked her head back in and grinned.

“Missed me.” She stuck her tongue out and disappeared again.

That was enough to prompt Alison to chase after her. She caught her in the living room. She leaped on her back and wrapped her legs around Emily’s waist. Somehow, Emily managed to stay upright.

“Oh my God, you are an actual five-year-old.” Emily grabbed the back of the couch for support.

Alison draped her arms around Emily’s shoulders and leaned her face over her shoulder. She pressed her cheek against Emily’s. Emily chuckled.

“You want something to eat?” Emily questioned. “And I swear if you say ‘you’ I will carry you bridal style out to the ocean and toss you in and let the fishes chew you to pieces.”

“You know me so well.”

“I should hope so, considering we’re going to be spending the rest of our lives together.”

Alison smiled. She caught a glimpse of their reflection in a mirror. They looked picture perfect. She couldn’t wait to make it official.

Not long after they’d finished up their breakfast the cavalry arrived. Pam was the first to arrive. Lily came barreling through the door and nearly bowled her moms over. She hadn’t spent a night alone without them since she’d come home with them. She’d missed them. Ace had also been less than enthused that he’d had to spend the night away from Emily.

Emily thanked her mother profusely for being both babysitter and dogsitter for the evening. Pam had been doing a lot to help them as they got ready for the wedding. Emily had hoped that maybe her dad would be able to talk his way into coming, but he’d run into some problems with the leave request. She tried not to let it slip to her mother how upset she was about it. Instead, she focused on Lily and Alison. That’s what her life was about. Her family.

Pam took Lily to get dressed in her flower girl attire and to put Ace in a little tuxedo they’d picked out for him. He was going to be the ring bearer.

Cece and Spencer were the next to arrive. Spencer started carting in all of Alison’s things. Alison trailed after her, bossing her around.

“Don’t let that get carpet fibers on it!” She ordered.

“Alison, if you don’t shut up I am going to shove your face into the carpet fibers.” Spencer threatened as they turned the corner.

“Family squabbles are my favorite.” Cece looked entertained.

“There are _plenty_ of those.” Emily laughed.

“You know, most people would bet on Spencer, but Alison fights dirty. I’d bet the house on her.”

“Oh, no doubt.”

The room was quiet for a few seconds. Cece turned to face Emily. Emily seemed tense, but it was not for the reason that Cece was thinking.

“You nervous, hon?” Cece asked.

“No. Not at all.”

“Well, you look like you’ve got something weighing on your mind. Is it me? If you’re worried that I’m going to pull a romantic comedy move and object when the pastor calls for objections, don’t. I’ve got my own hot dates for this event. Met this amazing poly couple last weekend. I’ll probably be off in a clubhouse somewhere getting to know them better while you’re saying ‘I do’.”

“You’re such a romantic,” Emily said flatly.

“I want to try all 101 flavors and then some.”

“I think you’re well past 101 at this point.”

They both laughed. Emily finally made eye contact with the blonde.

“Look, Cece, I wanted to thank you…”

“Oh, that’s totally not necessary. Shopping and make-up are my forte. This whole ‘maid of honor’ thing has been a breeze.”

“Not for that.” Emily smiled. “I don’t think I ever told you how much I appreciate you taking care of Alison…for being there for her when I couldn’t.”

Cece nodded. Her normally mischievous expression faded. There was a quiet serious undertone of sincerity in her eyes.

“I would have done it regardless. I hope you know that.” She paused and looked towards where Alison and Spencer had gone. “She’s my best friend.”

“I know.” She smiled at Cece. “She’s lucky to have you.”

“It’s actually the other way around,” Cece admitted. “God knows what kind of trouble I’d be in right now if I didn’t have her to keep me straight.” She thought about something and then added with a quip, “Well, figuratively speaking.”

They heard something fall to the floor in the other room, followed promptly by Alison bitching at her cousin.

“Damn it, Spencer, I told you it was too close to the edge! Why do you _refuse_ to listen to me?”

“Because statistically speaking you are wrong most of the time.”

“I am going to strangle you.”

“Jesus, calm down. This is supposed to be low-key…”

“I’m going to _high-key_ kill you.”

“I should probably go make sure they don’t murder one another. Blood is a bitch to get out of white lace.” Cece made a face.

“How would you know that?”

“Don’t ask.” Cece started walking towards the confrontation.

Emily heard the door to the beach house open and footsteps approaching. Hanna and Aria walked in. They had Emily’s things. Aria was brimming with energy. She was so excited. She squealed.

“You’re getting married!” She ran over and hugged Emily. She sniffled a little bit and tried to hold in her tears. She grabbed Emily’s hands. “I’m so happy for you.”

“She’s been like this all morning.” Hanna walked past the two of them without even saying hello to her best friend. “She’s your perky emotional mess now. I’m going to drop this stuff off in the bedroom.”

“She’s pleasant this morning,” Emily said sarcastically.

“She was up all night making sure everything was just the way she wants it,” Aria explained. “I think her blood is mostly caffeine at this point.”

“I told her it wasn’t _that_ big of a deal.”

“Are you kidding? You’re getting _married_ ,” Aria said again. She squealed in excitement. “I can’t believe it.” She lifted her shoulders and let out a happy sigh.

Hanna walked back in empty handed. She yawned and waved at Emily and then walked past her into the kitchen and grabbed a coffee cup.

“The boys are at the beach making sure the tent canopy is set-up the way Alison wants it.” Hanna grabbed the coffee pot.

“Good morning, Hanna. Yes, by all means, make yourself at home.” Emily gave her a hard time.

“Don’t test me. I _will_ put you in a headlock and smash you over the head with a table lamp, wedding day or not.” Hanna glared at her as she sipped on her coffee.

Aria and Emily looked at one another and giggled.

After Hanna downed her drink she pulled Emily into the bedroom to help her get ready. By the time she was finished Aria was in tears again.

“You look absolutely gorgeous.” She hugged her.

“Aria, don’t you dare smear your make-up on her dress.” Hanna poked her head out of the adjoining bathroom where she was putting on her own make-up.

“Han, the dress is going to be covered in sand before this day is over.” Emily reminded her.

“Hey, who is the maid of honor here?” She disappeared back into the bathroom.

“Alison is right. We should have just gone straight to the honeymoon,” Emily uttered.

But she changed her tune when she stepped outside on to the deck that led down to the little private beach where the ceremony was being held. Her friends and family had gathered in chairs underneath a canopy. There was a large flowery archway where they’d be saying their vows. The path to the archway was lined with LED candles.

Alison was going to walk down the aisle first. Her father was out of town, more than likely chasing down a new affair, so Jason was walking her down the aisle. Emily was going to come next with Toby as her usher. She’d asked him after she found out her father couldn’t make it, despite his best efforts. Toby was more than willing to step up.

Emily closed her eyes and inhaled the smell of the ocean. She listened to the seagulls in the distance. She could feel the ocean breeze.

She heard footsteps approaching and when she opened her eyes she saw her cousin standing in the doorway. He was in a pressed tuxedo with a small flower pinned to his lapel. Emily smiled. He’d always looked good in formal-wear, even though he hated it.

“Hey, Em.” Toby smiled.

“Hey. You look great.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Thanks.” She blushed.

They looked out at the wedding setting.

“You nervous?” He asked.

“No.” She put her hands against the railing. “Just wish my dad could be here.” She faced Toby. “Thank you so much for stepping in for him.”

“That’s actually what I came to talk to you about.” Toby stepped out on to the deck. “There’s been a slight change of plans.”

Emily felt her stomach seize. All the worst case scenarios ran through her mind. She turned around to face him. He had a smile on his face.

“Turns out, there’s a better man for the job.”

Emily saw a shadow move from inside the house and then she saw someone step up behind Toby. Toby moved aside and Emily was face to face with her dad. He had on his dress blues, his military uniform pressed to perfection.

Her jaw dropped. She stared at him, afraid that she was dreaming. But then he smiled at her and said,

“Hey, baby girl.”

“Dad.” She closed the space between them and ran into his arms. She hugged him tight. “You made it.”

“You know I would move heaven and earth for you.” He held her. He could feel her shaking. “I wasn’t going to let any amount of red tape stop me.” He pulled back and gently grabbed her cheeks. Her eyes were dangerously close to swelling with tears. “Hey, don’t cry. Wouldn’t want you to ruin your make-up on my account. Hanna would kill us both.”

Emily laughed. She saw Toby drifting back inside to give them their privacy. She mouthed a silent ‘I love you’ to him and he nodded and mouthed back ‘You too’.

“Does mom know you’re here? And Alison and Lily?” Emily asked.

“I called your Ma yesterday morning. Took a red eye. We wanted to surprise you. Toby picked me up from the airport about an hour ago. I wanted to see you first. After all, it’s your day.”

Emily hugged him again.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Let me get a good look at you.” He took her hand and pulled back. He smiled. “You look so grown up.”

“Wait until you see Lily. She’s about a foot taller than she was the last time you saw her in the hospital.”

“Can’t wait.” He laughed. “Where is the other beautiful bride?”

“I think she’s still in her room getting ready.” Emily motioned for Wayne to follow her.

They walked through the house until they got to where Alison was putting the finishing touches on her make-up. Emily tapped on the door lightly and called out her name.

“Ali, I’m going to come in. I’ve got something for you.”

“No! Are you insane? Just have someone else bring it. It’s bad luck for us to see each other in our dresses before the wedding!”

“You don’t believe those silly superstitions.” Emily put her hand on the door. “Let’s break tradition. Just this once.” She turned the knob.

“Emily, no, what are you…”

Alison stopped mid-sentence when she saw Wayne standing in the doorway.

“Oh my God.” Alison broke out into a smile. Her face was frozen in shock. All at once she forgot about everything else. “Mr. Fields!”

“I believe after today the correct term is ‘dad’.” He walked over to her. “You look absolutely stunning, Alison.”

“It’s so good to see you.” She gave him a hug. “I…” She was so stunned that she could barely speak. “How did…what…”

“Like I told Emmy, there was no way I was missing this.”

Alison let out a giddy laugh. She could only imagine how Emily felt. She took a moment to appreciate how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress. Emily did the same.

“Mommies?” They heard Lily’s voice calling out for them.

“In here, Lil!”

They heard her little feet pitter-pattering against the ground. Seconds later Lily appeared in the doorway. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Wayne. Emily saw the excitement on her face. Pam was right behind her.

“GRANDPA!” Lily ran towards him.

He kneeled down just as she reached him and picked her up and spun her around. Pam walked over and embraced them both in a hug. Wayne reached over and pulled Emily and Alison into it, too.

“I’ve missed you girls,” he said. “My girls…” He loved having all of his girls in his arms again.

Emily and Alison didn’t think the day could get more perfect. But when the wedding started they were so overjoyed. Wayne asked Alison if he thought it would be okay if he escorted her with Jason down the aisle before he went back and walked with Emily. When Alison jumped at the chance Wayne asked Jason if he was okay with it. Jason shook his hand and told him he’d be honored.

The moment Alison heard the live music start she felt butterflies in her stomach. She watched the line-up from the small sandy hill she was waiting to walk down. Wayne walked Pam down to the altar first. Then he pivoted out of the small crowd and walked back towards where Alison was waiting.

“This is it, Al.” Jason linked his arm with his little sister’s. “You ready?”

“Since the day I met her.”

“Yeah, I remember you told me you were going to marry her that day after we got home from the pool. And look at you now.”

“I can’t believe it’s been almost 20 years since then. I still remember it like it was yesterday.”

“Me too. I tried to drown you that day. Best day of my life.” He nodded.

“You’re a jerk, big brother.”

“You’re a mess, little sister.”

They bumped each other lovingly and turned their attention back to the ceremony. Aria and Spencer walked down the aisle next. Toby was in the middle of them escorting them. When they got to the altar they split off to opposite sides. Aria stood on Emily’s side next to Pam. Spencer stood on Alison’s side next to her Aunt Jessica. Toby walked over next to Pam.

Cece walked down the aisle next, taking her place near the front next to Spencer and Alison’s mom. It had been a surprise to Alison that her mother had actually showed. She hadn’t expected either one of her parents to be at the wedding.

Lily came next. She was decked out in a light rose colored dress and carrying a white basket filled with rose petals. She danced and twirled as she walked. Ace was beside her in a custom-made tuxedo that had a ring-holder attached to it with both wedding rings neatly tied into it to keep them from falling out. Lily ran over to her grandmother when she finished tossing the rose petals. Ace calmly followed and sat down next to Lily.

“I did it.” Lily grinned widely.

“You did great.” Pam smiled.

“High five, munchkin.” Toby put his hand out for her to slap.

Lily smacked his palm so audibly that the crowd could hear it. She hugged Toby tightly. She stayed attached to his side for the duration of the song.

The official wedding march started as Alison walked down the marked pathway with Jason on her right and Wayne on her left. She saw Caleb snap a photo from the side.

“Mommy, you look pretty!” Lily called out to her.

The crowd ate it up.

Once they got to the altar Jason stepped in the middle so he could prepare to officiate.

Wayne turned and walked back one final time to get his daughter. Emily teared up when she saw him coming, because it was suddenly starting to feel real.

“Deep breaths, kid,” her dad said quietly as he offered her his arm to loop around hers.

Emily nodded and smiled and then they started their walk to the altar. She saw all of her loved ones smiling back at her as she made her way down the path. Ezra nodded and smiled at her. She saw Aria’s brother Mike and Mike’s date Mona standing with him. Nate and his parents were there. In a strange way, it felt like Maya was there, too…cheering her on. Because that’s what she’d always done.

Even Jenna had showed up, though she had a hatred for Alison and Jason that had enough energy to power the sun for a millennia. But she did care about her cousin. Given her rocky history with Jason, Emily didn’t think she’d come. It had come as a surprise to her when Jenna sent back the RSVP checked ‘yes’. They had a few other friends from school and a couple of relatives that had made it in, but the wedding party was relatively small.

Alison almost forgot to breathe when she saw Emily walking towards her with her father. Emily always looked like she was glowing, but she looked breathtaking walking down the aisle. She kept her sights fixed on Alison the whole time.

Emily couldn’t believe that they’d finally made it. After everything they’d gone through, they had made it. She’d made Alison feel safe enough to come out of her shell, and in turn…Alison had gotten her through her darkest times. Ben’s attack. Her dad’s deployments. She’d been there through it all. Together, they had wavered the school shooting and Emily’s cancer. They’d been through enough turmoil to last a lifetime. They were ready to put it all behind them and begin again.

Emily could see the love in Alison’s eyes when she stepped in front of her. There was no question that they were made for one another. Everyone who saw them together could see the connection they had. It was hard for either one of them to focus on anything Jason was saying because they were lost in each other. Jason had to physically reach out and tap his sister on the shoulder to get her to start her vows.

“Hey, I know she’s pretty, but you need to stop making googly-eyes long enough to tell her why you want to marry her.” Jason smiled.

That got a lot of laughter from the people watching the ceremony. Alison glared at him, but she was so happy that she was still smiling from ear to ear. She took Emily’s hands in hers and cleared her throat. She could hear her pulse in her ears. And suddenly, her mind was a blank.

_Oh, fuck. I forgot it. I forgot it all._

She looked at Emily, half in a panic, half mesmerized by the love in her eyes. She saw Emily nod at her and gently encourage her. It was a reminder that she’d always been there for her, showing her that anything in life was possible. When she looked at her soft brown eyes she felt at peace. She listened to the ocean in the background and her vows came rushing back to her.

“Emily, I spent my whole life searching for a world that had meaning, a world where I would feel complete and whole. I looked fruitlessly for something I couldn’t find. I was an unfinished story without an ending. But then I met you, and I realized that the ending that I was looking for was my beginning with you. And while I was looking for the world, the world was coming to me. I fell in love with you the day I laid eyes on you. Nothing had ever felt so real. So right. And I wanted to protect that with every fiber of my being. I don’t think it would come as a surprise to anyone here that I would kill anyone who dared to hurt you.”

They had to pause because everyone started chuckling. They all knew Alison’s history. She’d made it very public what she’d done to Ben after he’d hurt Emily, and what she’d _wanted_ to do to him.

“The funny thing is that even though I always had this notion that I needed to protect you, in the end _you_ are the one who protected me. Not just from the outside world, but from myself. No one has ever done that for me before. You opened your heart to me. You cared. I saw just how pure and sweet you are. And I fell. I fell hard, but you were a soft landing. You are so smart and kind and funny. And my God, the way you see things is just…your perspective is everything. Most people look, but they don’t _see_. But the moment we met you saw beyond what was on the surface.”

She stopped to catch her breath, because she felt like her heart was expanding her chest. She saw Emily’s encouraging smile and she was able to settle down.

“You saw the real me.” Alison held her hands tightly. Her voice trembled as she spoke. “You see who I really am. I know…I know I’m not perfect, but you look at me and I feel that way. I look into your eyes, and I…I want to be worth the effort. I want to be the person you see. Because you see the beauty in the world even when it’s dark. I want to see things the way you do. I want to have the passion that you have. You changed me. You made me want to be a better person. Because you saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. You fell in love with my soul.”

She smiled through her cries.

“When we met I wasn’t looking for a forever. You made me believe in a forever. I saw it. I saw our story unfolding. You took an unfinished lost soul and you gave her this beautiful ending. We have what we have because of your unselfish desire to make everything better. And I…”

She choked back a sob. She lowered her head to try and get her bearings, internally telling herself not to cry like a little bitch.

“I once told you that you were the most normal person I ever met. But that’s not true. The truth is that you’re extraordinary. You’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my always.”

She huffed out a joyful cry at the end of her vows. Emily moved Alison’s right hand up to her lips and kissed her knuckles. She nodded in approval. Her pride for Alison was beaming off of her. Alison was impressed by her composure. She was so cool and collected.

“Emily?” Jason prompted her for her vows.

Emily took a deep breath. She’d been a little worried that she might have trouble remembering her vows or that she might have an absence seizure brought on by stress. But all she had to do was look at Alison and she knew it was going to be okay.

“Alison, when I met you all those years ago when we were kids I felt something I’d never felt before. You had a pull on my heart that I didn’t understand at the time. But I knew it was something special. I knew _you_ were something special. That day at the pool I could see that there was something about your eyes. They told a hidden story. Even then you had a unique beauty, inside and out. And even though we only met that one time and there was a world of distance between us, you never strayed far from my thoughts.”

She took a shaky breath and squeezed Alison’s hands. She’d never felt such immense joy in her life. She loved Alison more than anything else in the world.

“When we first got together I promised you that I would never let you dive into life alone again. I wanted you beside me despite both of our fears. You are constantly telling me how fearless I am, how much I breathe in every second of the day. But the truth is there are times in life that I’ve been afraid. There are times where I felt as though I couldn’t breathe without you next to me. You don’t realize the courage you give me. You don’t realize what a pillar of strength you are. And the fact that you don’t see that is what makes you so amazing.”

Alison huffed out a cry, but she tried to keep it together so Emily could finish her vows. Emily reached up and wiped away one of Alison’s tears. Alison moved to put her hand on top of Emily’s, keeping her warm palm against her face. She held it in place for a few seconds so she could feel her warmth, her sincerity, her love. Emily moved closer to Alison.

“My life has been filled with uncertainties. But not you. Never you. I have always seen you in perfect clarity. And I have always _always_ been certain about you. And one thing I’ve come to realize is that we work so well together because we’re so perfectly imperfect. Alone, we were incomplete in a way. Life has a way of chipping away at us and fracturing our souls. But the beauty of love is how much it can heal. It’s the broken parts of each of us that fit together like an intricate puzzle that makes us whole…makes us perfect. It makes us… _us_.”

Emily took another breath. Her brain felt like it was on overload. Thoughts were firing off so rapidly that she was having trouble keeping her train of thought. Then she saw Alison smile at her, and everything was quiet again.

“You are the most authentic person I’ve ever met. I love that you don’t apologize for who you are. I love that you are true to yourself. And I love that you fight for the things worth fighting for. It’s because of that that I have always loved you against reason, against promise…” Emily stroked her face before dropping her hand, “…against peace, against hope, against happiness. Against _all_ discouragement that could be.”

Alison was barely holding it together. A few people in the crowd were also blubbering messes.

“Alison, Pip didn’t just get Estella in the end. The truth is, Estella had Pip all along.” She smiled. “You’ve had me sweetheart. You’ve always had me. I wanted…” She paused and then cleared her throat and changed the wording, “…I _needed_ you more than I’ve ever needed anything else in my life. You are the air in my lungs. You are the blood in my veins. You are the key to my heart. I once told you that you are in every part of my mind, my soul, and my body. You don’t just _give_ me clarity. You _are_ my clarity. I don’t know how long our forever is going to be, but I know that however long it is, I want to spend it with you. All I can promise is for now. But for now is our forever… _you_ are my forever.”

 _Always and Forever_.

She cleared her throat and then glanced at Jason to let him know she was done. She wasn’t surprised to see that the big softie had tears in his eyes, too. He tried to play it off. He gave her a brotherly nod and then went back to the ceremony.

Emily motioned for Ace to come stand next to her and Jason so he could reach the rings. He handed Emily Alison’s ring and directed her to put it on her finger. Emily delicately slid it on Alison’s ring finger, never breaking eye contact with her.

When it was Alison’s turn she was a mess. Her hands were shaking so badly that she had trouble holding Emily’s hand still to get the ring on her. Emily reached up with her free hand and held Alison’s hand steady to help her. When the rings were officially on and Jason pronounced them married as wives everyone cheered.

“What are you waiting for?” Jason looked at Alison. “Kiss your bride!”

Their lips met softly, both of them smiling, both of them crying.

“Yay!” Lily exclaimed.

Seconds later Emily felt a tiny pair of arms wrap around her backside. She didn’t even hesitate as she turned around and picked Lily up. She brought the little girl up in between her and Alison and they snuggled against her, each of them kissing one of her cheeks. Caleb captured the perfect family snapshot of the two of them loving on her with Lily mid-laugh. It was an image that would one day be the centerpiece of their living room.

The rest of the wedding was a blur. It was only later when things had settled down that both of them were truly able to relax and be in the moment again. They watched their loved ones talking and laughing, toasting them, and congratulating them. They celebrated. They ate. They danced. They enjoyed every moment.

Later, when their wedding night rolled around they pulled away from their loved ones to go back to the beach house for the evening. They were both riding high on endorphins and buzzed on wine.

The beach house had been decorated with flowers and ambient lighting. Emily poured them each another glass of wine and then gently pulled her wife towards the bedroom. There were fresh rose petals sprinkled around the room and on the bed. Soft music was playing from a set of speakers. It was a playlist Emily had put together for Alison.

Alison paused for a moment to take it all in. She closed her eyes and listened to the familiar sound of their song from years ago.

_“Round and around and around and around we go…”_

She looked at Emily, who was setting the glasses of wine down on the end table.

_“Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know…”_

Alison walked over to her and took her hand. She pulled Emily close, pressing a kiss against her jaw.

“Dance with me, Emily DiLaurentis-Fields.” She whispered.

Emily wrapped her arm around the small of Alison’s back and they moved to the slow beat of the song.

_“Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move…makes me feel like I can’t live without you.”_

They moved in to share a kiss.

_“It takes me all the way…”_

Their lips moved together for several seconds, but then something in the embrace changed. Alison felt Emily stiffen just the slightest bit. She gently pulled away to check on her and she saw a strange look on her face.

There was a moment of disconnect. Emily cocked her head in confusion.

Alison knew it wouldn’t last. She quietly reassured her by keeping eye contact. Alison stroked her cheek and moved Emily’s hand up to her face with her other hand, trying to keep her grounded in reality.

_“I want you to stay…”_

“You remember who I am, Emily?” she asked quietly.

Emily stared at her, her palm clutching Alison’s face. After a few seconds Emily blinked and the spark returned to her eyes. She smiled at Alison.

“My wife.” Emily leaned forward and captured her lips again. “My beautiful wife. I could never forget you, Ali.”

“I’ll always remind you.” Alison pressed her forehead against Emily’s.

They danced for nearly twenty minutes while slowly undressing each other. They took their time appreciating every inch of each other’s body. Alison kissed a ticklish spot on Emily’s shoulder. Emily shuddered and then dipped down to press a kiss against her bride’s cleavage. They moved together to the sound of the music. Their warm sweaty bodies glistened in the candlelight.

It was Alison who moved them towards the bed first. She felt her hormones from the morning returning with gusto. She pushed until the backs of Emily’s legs were against the mattress. Then she gently pushed her back until she voluntarily fell back against the comforter, sending rose petals all over the place.

Alison smiled at the beautiful woman laid out on the bed, nearly nude. She loved every inch of her. She crawled on the bed, straddling Emily. She pushed her knees on either side of Emily’s hips and then leaned over to kiss her. She moved down against her and both of them felt their primal urges taking over.

The next several minutes were a blur of undergarments being ripped off and skin pressing against skin while the two of them rolled over and fought for dominance. Emily won out in the end. She held Alison’s wrists above her head with one hand while slowly kissing her way down her body.

Alison felt the fingers of Emily’s free hand touching her everywhere she wanted to be touched. They were soft, yet firm. Commanding, yet loving. She felt them in between her legs and her body jerked, her thighs twitching as her insides yearned for her wife.

Emily pressed a kiss against Alison’s bellybutton and then loosened her grip on her wrists. Alison’s hands immediately landed on the top of Emily’s head as she pushed her lower, where she really wanted her.

Emily’s lips left hot trails that sparked desire in Alison. Emily took her time, loving every inch of her wife’s exposed skin. She stopped when she got to the tattoo of the mermaid on Alison’s pelvis. She loved being able to see it. She remembered the day that Alison had described it to her. The dark-haired sun-kissed siren of the sea was just above the water arching her back. Waves of dark hair flowed behind her. Every time Emily saw it she felt like she was looking in a mirror. It’s like Alison had gotten it for her. To be closer to her. It’s like she’d known they were destiny. And now they were married.

Emily smiled and kissed the tattoo. The way she moved her lips against the blonde’s skin ignited something inside of Alison. Emily felt Alison gently pushing her down again.

“Em…” Alison uttered.

She was close to begging, and Emily knew it. So she complied.

Seconds later Alison was speechless. Emily knew just how to love her, to touch her. Alison arched her head back until she felt like she was disappearing into her pillow. She curled her fingers in Emily’s hair and closed her eyes until she felt like she was going to float away.

She felt like she was engulfed in a warm cocoon. She knew it had only been minutes, but it felt like hours. The music had stopped and the only sounds they could hear were the uneven pants and breaths in the room. Alison could hear the ocean through the blinds of the open windows. She wanted to stay in the state of bliss she was in forever.

But she wanted to feel Emily just as badly.

“I need you,” she managed to get out between her heavy breaths.

She felt Emily move up against her body, kissing her along the way. When she reached Alison’s lips she looked into her eyes.

“You have me,” she replied, kissing her as their bodies moved together.

Alison felt Emily’s center against hers and her legs fell open. She pushed up and moved her legs out so she could wrap them around Emily’s body. When their bodies met again Alison shuddered and moaned against Emily’s neck.

Alison reached down between them, her fingers dancing lightly between Emily’s legs. She saw Emily’s eyes flicker. The brunette’s body loosened. Alison took the opportunity to roll over, flipping them over. Emily’s back slapped against the mattress. She pulled Alison down on top of her, their pace never slowing for a moment.

Emily gripped Alison’s thighs tightly, pulling her impossibly close as they moved together. She held her tight as their lips and bodies once again battled for dominance. Emily pushed up just enough to roll Alison back against the mattress. Both of them were pushing to get the other to their highs. They moved in time together, like the beat of a heart.

Alison’s fingers met Emily’s pace, and vice versa. The motions of their movements was set by the sound of the ocean outside, their bodies ebbing and flowing. If the ocean ever came to life it would be the pulse of their two bodies as one, rolling gently, cresting in ways that were both gentle and wild at the same time.

Emily peered into Alison’s eyes as she peaked, watching her, marveling at the sight of her. There had always been something special about Alison when they were in the midst of love-making, and Emily had always been able to feel that. When she felt the contours of Alison’s face the first time they’d been together she’d been able to paint a picture in her mind. It was even more mesmerizing being able to _see_ her in ecstasy.

“You’re beautiful,” Emily whispered.

Alison couldn’t respond with words. She was so lost in Emily’s touch that she couldn’t speak. Instead she reached up and put her hand against the back of Emily’s neck, pulling her closer, needing to see her eyes, needing for Emily to look into her eyes as she let go. Seconds later they both hit their peaks. Alison pulled Emily down until their foreheads were touching. Their eyes were centimeters apart.

“I love you so much.” Emily dipped down long enough for her lips to meet Alison’s and then pulled back so Alison could breathe through her ecstasy.

Alison traced her fingers along Emily’s jaw line. It was such a perfect jaw line. She loved looking at it. She loved touching it. She loved kissing it.

“I love you, too,” Alison hummed happily.

Emily rolled off to the side and pulled Alison into her arms. She held her while they both came down from their highs. She kissed the top of her head, her lips lingering on her soft blonde hair. She closed her eyes and inhaled through her nose, letting the scent of her wife flow through her senses.

“Are you sniffing my hair?” Alison laughed. She turned her head and looked up at her. “You’re so weird.”

“Says the girl who invited me to the language lab to make out when we first met.”

“Okay, to be fair…I didn’t _intend_ to invite you to the language lab to make out. I was trying to invite you to eat lunch with me.” Alison blushed. “If it had turned into making out I wouldn’t have objected.”

“You’re so handsy.” Emily chuckled.

“Of course I am. Have you _seen_ you?” Alison snuggled against her. “I just can’t keep my hands to myself when I’m with you.” She ran her fingers against Emily’s bare stomach. “Which, as you can imagine, is why I was so annoyed with you this morning.”

“Was it worth the wait?”

“Mmhmm. Always.” Alison nodded.

She rolled back against her pillow. She laid on her side, her cheek against her pillow. Emily was looking back at her with the sweetest smile on her face that Alison had ever seen. Sometimes Alison looked at her and she saw that same adorable little innocent kid hand-feeding a baby deer she’d seen in pictures. She looked at her and saw the same five-year-old who had bravely jumped into the pool to save her when she was in over her head. She saw the cool seventeen-year-old sitting on the park bench just enjoying nature. She saw the fierce protector who valiantly fought for her honor against rabid teenage boys. She saw the patient and loving role model that their daughter looked up to. She saw it all.

But what she didn’t realize was that Emily saw every bit of that in her as well. She didn’t realize that Emily was looking right back at her with the same thoughts. Emily saw the determined little girl in the pool brazenly taking control of what she wanted. She saw the love-struck eighteen-year-old opening up her heart and soul. She saw the take-no-prisoners fighter who squared up against anyone who ever even thought about hurting the people she loved. And she saw the determination and perseverance and bravery that she’d pass along to their child. Emily saw all of that and so much more in her wife.

Sometimes she wasn’t sure Alison knew how wonderful she truly was. Emily leaned up against her elbow so she could look down upon her wife. She ran her fingers through Alison’s hair and looked into her sharp blue eyes, which were teeming with emotion. Emily held her breath for a few seconds, afraid that she was having a dream. She never wanted it to end. She was afraid she’d never actually come out of the coma…and that this was her afterlife. And she didn’t want to lose it.

But Alison qualmed those fears by simply reaching out and cupping her cheek. She looked up at the brunette with a sleepy smile on her face. She noticed that Emily’s gaze was honed in on her with an intense passion. It made Alison feel so loved.

“Em, you’re staring.” Alison smiled, nervously chewing her lip. Her cheeks were red. Normally she bathed in the attention, but Emily had a way of making her feel exposed, but in such a way that it felt like love.

Emily leaned forward to place a kiss on Alison’s forehead. She let her lips linger for a few seconds before pulling away to look at her wife again.

“I’m never going to take my eyes off of you.”

Emily knew the importance of not only looking at her wife, but truly _seeing_ her. Because the truth was that it wasn’t the way Alison looked that made her beautiful. It was what people couldn’t see. It was what she held inside. It was what she only let Emily see. Her heart. Her mind. Her soul. Emily could close her eyes to the rest of the world forever, but no matter what...she would always be able to see Alison.

* * *

 **A/N:** _I’m sure I scared the hell out of you at the beginning of this chapter. Looking back through the editing process I realized there were a lot of ‘oh, shit’ moments. Alison’s nightmare about Emily’s death and the hospital funeral were pretty mean. I’m hoping that the adoption and the wedding (complete with Wayne’s cameo) made the temporary pain worth it. These last two chapters have been a mixed bag for me, because of the final (not really “official”) next chapter. I would potentially call it an alternate epilogue. This epilogue is the *official* end, but the following can also be read as the end as well (it’s written so that it could tie into the story at a certain point), but it’s a mind-fuck. Scared yet?_


End file.
